Original subtitles

L'hal l'nai shall pass over,

And may senor l. Ron hubbard watch over us all.

Amen.

Amen!

[sniffs] ooh, gross!

What the hell is that smell?

[sniffs]

That, my friends, is the sweet pungent aroma of doo-doo feces.

Hi, guys. What's going on?

Wooldoor, what the hell are you hiding?

Um, nothing.

Ahem.

Ooh!

Live action poo.

Wooldoor, have you been sneaking off

To the live action forest again?

I, uh, well, uh, brought it home

'cause I thought they'd make nice slippers.

[squish]

It's an honest mistake.

Wooldoor, you best stay away from the live action forest.

It's dangerous.

Now, clean up this crap.

[door closes]

They almost found out about you.

I don't know what I'd do if I lost you.

You understand me better than anyone,

Even the fire fairy.

But what about all those cool fires

We started together, wooldoor?

Ooh, you got trouble.

Uh, guys, I need a favor.

My ten-year camp reunion is coming up.

What kind of camp? Fat camp?

Yes.

It's not funny.

Fat camp was the saddest, darkest chapter

In the tragic cookbook that is my life.

Even at fat camp, I didn't fit it.

I wasn't fat enough.

Then one day the coolest and fattest girls in camp

Spoke to me.

They actually spoke to me.

You're toot, right?

Yes.

You seem pretty cool,

And we thought maybe we could get your hopes up

By inviting you to our table and then giving you a devastating wedgie,

Embarrassing you in front of the entire camp.

What do you think?

Really? Me? I'd love to.

Toot's voice: no one could have predicted what happened next.

Ah!

Ahh!

[all laughing]

I had to be rushed to the hospital,

But by the time I got there, it was too late.

There's nothing else we can do. We have to amputate.

Oh, my god! Aah!

I wasn't confusing this memory with a tom cruise movie.

I returned to camp disgraced.

Baby killer!

I didn't die that summer in fat camp.

[all laughing]

But some days, I wish I'd had.

So which one of you guys will go to my reunion with me

And pretend to be my doctor husband?

Uh... Uh-oh. Oh.

Is that how you treat a veteran?

[sobbing]

Goddamn it!

Hey, buddy!

Whee!

I put some peanut butter on my balls

So you'll have more incentive to chase after them

When I put them on my ass. [squish]

Uh, buddy? Where did you go?

[crashing]

Sacre bleu!

Uh, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy. Uh-oh.

Wooldoor, is this your live action cow?

[moos]

He followed me home.

And now he's my best friend.

You can't keep a live action cow in the house.

Look at the mess he made.

[moos]

[farts]

And everybody know live action and animation don't mix.

Just look at my feet...

Or my teeth...

Or xandir's ass.

But live action cow is my best friend in the whole wide world.

Aren't you, whiskers?

[farts]

Oh, I love it when he does that.

I'm sorry, wooldoor,

But we's taking that live action cow back where he belong--

The live action forest.

No! Please.

Now that he's got my stink on him,

The others won't take him back.

He's got my stink!

[sobbing]

My life sucks.

None of the guys will go to my reunion with me

'cause I'm too fat.

I was so upset that I locked myself in the attic

And gorged on cotton candy.

But then I discovered something.

Wow! A book of cheat codes.

I can make video game characters do anything!

Like super jump.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, b, a, start.

Oh, hi, toot.

Whoa. Or super jump with big head.

Oh, hey, what's up, toot?

Or newborn xandir with super jump and soft spot on head.

Waah!

Or what about...Ooh!

Escort a fatty to her 10-year reunion.

With super jump.

My lady, I would like to escort you

To your camp reunion.

What kind of camp? A fat camp?

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha ha hee hee!

Oh. Sure.

[sobbing]

Wooldoor's voice: I tried to forget live action cow,

But it seemed everywhere I turned,

There was something there to remind me of her.

And now to perform the celebratory truffle shuffle.

[humming]

I realized I couldn't live without live action cow.

I'm coming!

Live action cow!

Live action cow!

[squeaking]

Live action cow, is that you?

[squeaking] oh, my god!

The most feared of all live action creatures--

A live action squirrel with big balls!

Wooldoor, stay still.

We's all in grave danger. Don't move.

[snaps] uh-oh.

Live action squirrel with big balls

Is about to attack!

And there's no way to fight back.

It clearly has no vulnerable areas on his whole body.

I can't outrun a squirrel.

But it won't matter as long as I can outrun you.

Ah!

Save yourselves. Aah-aah-aah-aah!

Here it comes!

All: aah!

[moos]

Look, guys. It's live action cow.

¶ da da da da, da da da-da-da ¶

Live action cow is springing into action.

Look out for those big balls!

Careful, girl. You don't know where those balls have been.

I've never seen 2 animals fight so ferociously.

Oh, no. Live action cow is hurt.

But live action cow isn't giving up.

He's fighting back...

And winning.

Look. Live action squirrel with the big balls

Is running away.

[pattering]

More like live action pussy

With big balls.

Live action cow help saved the day.

Yippee! [cheering]

Thank god I'm in the other story.

[sighs] this sure brings back a lot of memories,

Like the time I won that trophy.

Well, well, well, if it isn't toot brown stain.

Oh, toot.

There you are, honey.

Jelly doughnut babes, meet my husband,

Dr. Xandir.

[all gasp]

You bagged yourself a one-chin?

No fucking way.

There you are. My loving wife.

Mmm.

[grunting]

I can't believe it.

That toot is up to something,

And nothing is gonna stop me from finding out what that--

Crumb!

[all shouting]

Captain hero's voice: live action cow had saved all our lives

And everyone loved her,

Especially me.

I've always dreamed of meeting a woman with 6 penises.

You're such a pretty cow.

We love you. Nice horsey.

There you go, girl. Girl?

Guys, live action cow's acting really weird.

Let me see.

Red eyes, foaming mouth.

Zikes! Live action cow has rabbis!

It's pronounced "rabies,"

Although they're both incurable diseases.

She must have gotten rabies

From live action squirrel with big balls.

Wooldoor, I'm sorry, baby,

But once they start foaming at the mouth, there's no saving 'em.

The only thing you can do is take 'em out behind the woodshed

And put a bullet through they skull.

Oh, little timmy.

Mommy misses you.

You mean we have to k-k-kill live action cow?

No. You have to k-k-kill live action cow.

[clicks]

I'd aim between them sweet brown eyes and cover its mouth

So he can't say, "mama, please, I ain't got no rabies.

I was just brushing my teeth like you says."

Uhhh! [gulps]

Man: hey, hey, hey.

Dinner is now served.

Oh, xandir.

Like a bowl of plain ol' salad bowl,

You've turned a nightmare into a dream.

I don't know why I decided to come here,

But I'm glad I did.

Oh, you have a little piece of goat on your cheek.

Is it gone?

Here. Let me get it.

There. Now you're perfect.

Mm. Mmm.

Mmm!

"the legend of xandir cheat book."

Oh. I knew it.

[gunshot]

Huh?

Hmm.

All: aah!

Can I have your attention, please?

It's time to crown this year's king and queen fatty.

And the winners are...

Xandir and toot.

In your face you fat fuckers!

I crown thee king and queen fatty--

Huh? Oh, no!

[gasps]

Eh, honey, is something wrong?

Oh. Ah.

Ohh!

My fellow fatties,

Before you bow down to your new king and queen, know this.

She's been controlling this so-called doctor husband of hers

With this video game cheat book.

[all gasp]

Observe.

Man: how does that help with video games?

Toot, how could you manipulate me like that?

I thought you were my friend. My fat friend.

Xandir, no. Wait!

[all laughing]

I did it! I shot live action cow.

And now she's dead!

[sobbing] dead!

So tell me. Did you... [whispering]

What? No. Why would I do that?

She was my friend.

So she's out there dead in the woods,

Her milky, white supple udder

Just lying in some remote forest clearing?

Dibs!

Ah!

We interrupt this scene with an important plot twist update.

A rabid live action cow is on a killing spree

Throughout the cartoon universe.

We take you live to springfield, connecticut.

Aah! Aah-aah!

Thank you, tom.

Our police sketch artist has come up with this composite of the mad cow.

I'm so sorry. I couldn't do it.

If you didn't do it, then why are you covered in blood?

Funny story, actually.

I had the shotgun at the live action cow's face,

But I loved her too much to pull the trigger.

So I just shot off into the woods.

And it turned out I hit a guy who was driving a truck,

A truck filled with birds.

I tried to help the poor schmuck, but it was too late.

Tell my wife and kids

I love 'em.

Ahh!

I couldn't ignore the man's dying wish,

So I did what anyone would do.

I gutted the dead trucker and wore his body as a suit.

Honey, thank god you're home.

We thought something had happened to you.

Where are the birds?

I love you, honey.

I love you, kids.

Uh-oh.

Aah! Aah!

Any kindhearted christian would have done the same.

Be that as it may,

Your live action cow is on a rabies-induced killing spree,

And we got to stop her.

All right, gang, let's go.

Wait!

¶ but I love her ¶

[sobbing]

Please, please don't be mad at me.

I have never felt so used.

I'm sorry.

I know. I'm the worst. I had to use a cheat book

Just to get someone to come to fat camp with me.

I suck.

Nobody loves me.

Well, that's not entirely true, toot.

I mean, jesus probably loves you.

What about our kiss at the dance?

That was because of the cheat book.

But, toot, you didn't have the cheat book then.

[sniffles]

Oh, my god. You're right.

So you're actually attracted to me?

Um...

Yeah. I guess.

Really?

So you would actually stick it in me?

Um...

Yeah. I guess.

Oh, xandir.

Prove it!

Foxxy's voice: live action cow was on a rabies-induced killing spree,

And it was up to us to try and stop her.

Clara: well, that's what they get

For constantly having a gay ol' time.

Oh, damn it. We have to stop this crazy thing.

Where are we?

Foxxy: child, this is south park.

Now, this place is funny.

I bet if we lived here, more people would watch.

Eventually, the trail led us

To the one place we never expected.

Moo!

He came home.

[clicking]

Take aim, men.

Wait. You mustn't.

She's my friend.

Now, son, step aside.

We're gonna kill that cow if we have to shoot right through you.

Fine. Go ahead.

Fine. We will.

Then do it.

I am. - go on.

We're going.

Then do it.

I'm doing it. - no you're not.

Watch me. - I am watching.

Ok. - I'm waiting.

Here it is.

More like here it isn't. That was lame.

You're lame.

Fire! Uh-oh.

Guys, look.

Live action cow is jumping in front of wooldoor in slow motion.

[slowly] aahhhhhh!

Live action cow!

Oh! [sniffles]

I love you.

I'll always love you

And all the things you gave me--

Live action milk, live action cheese,

And live action love.

Good-bye--oh, and live action yogurt.

Good-bye.

¶ do you like how ¶

¶ I sing a love song?

¶ do you like vincent van gogh? ¶

¶ I like to walk ¶

¶ the streets at midnight ¶

¶ I wanted you ¶

¶ to know ¶

¶ that I'm really not like this ¶

¶ so lost and in question ¶

¶ so much is then left unsaid ¶

Oh, wooldoor, I'm so sorry.

But I hope you learned a valuable lesson.

I sure have.

Loving someone sometimes means saying good-bye

And that helping fat cows only brings misery.

Ahhhhh.

You felt almost as good inside me

As I did inside you.

Please don't talk right now.

So does this mean we're a couple?

No. Hello. I'm gay.

But if you weren't?

Oh, toot, of course not.

But I'm your friend and I care about you,

So I tossed you a mercy fuck.

I'll take that.

[grunting]

Hey hey hey guys, toot's gettin' laid.

Toot found a thin mint who will bang double stuffs?

Charge!!

Aahhh!

¶ some people wait a lifetime ¶

¶ for a moment like this ¶

¶ some people wait forever ¶

¶ for one special kiss ¶

Don't put that in there!

Just one finger! Just one!

Ouch! Ow! Oh!

I'm dirty!

Dirty! Never to be clean again!

¶ for a moment like this ¶

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--