Original subtitles

[godzilla roars]

Man: now, it--

[click, click, click]

Ooh, look! It's super nanny!

[music playing]

Did you ssuper nanny?

Who is this so-called "super nanny"?

It's nobody, captain hero.

Don't worry about it.

Why has no one informed me of this super nanny?

Oh, lord. Here go captain tardo again.

Every time he hears about something else being super,

He goes a little bit nuts,

Like when he first heard of a supermarket.

You're not so super now! Hah!

[people screaming]

And super glue.

Damn you, super glue! Hyah! Hyah!

And of course, that incident with the soup or salad.

Show yourself, super salad! Hyah! Wah!

Sir, I was just asking you if you want soor salad.

I'm giving you a choice between the tw--

Uhh! Hyah!

Super nanny is just a tv show

About some unruly kids in need of a good ass-beating.

That is exactly what she wants you to think.

Hyah!

[crash]

Ah, this ought to be entertaining.

Hey, ling-ling, get us some beer!

[speaking japanese]

You don't have a driver's license?

Spanky: since the dawn of time,

I've dreamed of escorting an asian to the dmv

To watch him take a driver's test.

Finally, that day has come!

Saddle up, my lo mein man!

We goin' on a field trip! Yee-haw!

Captain hero: just the thought of this super nanny made me sick.

I needed to confront her and find out how super she really was.

Computer, where is this super nanny?

[silence]

Computer, where is this super nanny?

[silence]

Cuisinart, why isn't computer talking to me?

Oh, god! Why isn't anybody answering me?

Plug-in air freshener?

3-prong to 2-prong adapter?

You, too?

Noooooo!

And then I realized that there was one way

I could make super nanny come to me.

I want chocolate milk! I want chocolate milk!

What the heck?

Just give him some chocolate milk, for christmas' sake!

We don't have any more!

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

[wailing]

Don't leave me again!

Quick! What are we gonna do?

We need a professional.

We're going to have to call super nanny.

Oh, yes. Call your super nanny.

[chatter]

[silence]

I'm here to help my little friend get himself a driver's license.

Are you trying to get us killed?

Don't you realize he's--

Asian? Yeah. I know.

Now let's get to it.

Spanky: naturally, ling-ling aced the written test,

And coincidentally,

So did all the retarded white people sitting around him.

And he narrowly passed the eye exam.

"r," "r,"

"r," "r."

Martin luther king had a dream, and so did I.

But unlike martin luther king, my dream was about to come true.

All right. Fasten your seat belt and--

Holy fucking crap!

[speaking japanese]

[engine starts]

[horns blaring]

[spanky laughing]

[ling-ling crying]

Spanky: ling-ling? Uh-oh.

Rrrr! Crrrssssh!

Please stop.

[knocks]

Oh! Thank jesus you're here, super nanny!

Captain hero: my plan to lure the super nanny to me had worked!

At last we meet, super nanny!

So, what you got, toots?

A little x-ray vision, heat vision,

Or like our president, no vision at all?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's super satire.

This kind of backtalk is totally unacceptable.

You don't have any powers, do you poopie-head?

Pbbbt!

All right, captain hero.

You're going to sit on this naughty stool

Till I tell you to get off.

You don't actually expect me to get--

I said naughty stool! [gasps]

Oh, she's good. A little too good.

Can I get off now?

Come on! I don't want to be on the naughty stool.

No, no, no!

Now apologize, and you can get off the naughty stool.

Oh, fine. I'm sorry.

Captain hero: I had totally underestimated the super nanny.

I'm not eating this crap!

Unacceptable. Naughty stool.

Ohhhh.

[slurping]

I said, give me the remote!

[rip]

Unacceptable. Naughty stool.

Ohhhh.

[gasps] unacceptable. Naughty stool.

Ohhhh.

Something had to be done. I had to find a way

To defeat her and her naughty stool.

But how?

But...How?

You know, if you just keep the camera rolling,

It's not nearly as dramatic.

Aw, jerkoff assholes.

[moans]

I got ling-ling's test results back.

[snap]

He has suffered a mild concussion.

The best thing for him now is to get some rest...

In bed. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Simpler time. Ahh!

Spanky, this is all your fault!

It's not spanky's fault ling-ling was injured.

There is a simple biological reason

Why he can't drive no good. Observe!

[whir]

This helmet simulates the way asians see the world.

Step in!

Wooldoor, this is some retarded racist crap!

Asians don't see the world any differently than we do.

[whir]

[speaking japanese]

Clara, tell me what you see.

Hmm... Beef and broccoli.

2 guys who look completely different.

7.

Now take a look at this.

[gasps] [horns blaring]

Aah! Watch out!

Turn without signaling!

Hit the brakes suddenly!

Drive in the wrong lane!

Uhh!

Uhh!

Still think being asian is cool?

Wooldoor, if you could fix my arm,

I'm sure you could fix ling-ling's vision, right?

[tweet tweet]

[hollow thud]

Hmm...

Wooldoor: this expression means I am thinking.

That british nanny has really shaken me up.

I must find a way to defeat her and her stupid naughty stool.

It's just not fair!

Um...If you don't want to be sent to the naughty stool,

Why don't you just behave yourself?

How dare you! Why, I'll show you...

How monkeys groom each other.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Good, captain hero. That is acceptable.

Here. Have a lolly.

Hah! See that? I told you so!

[monkey screeches]

Hmm. No naughty stool.

Maybe, just maybe, if I play along,

Eat my veggies, go to bed on time,

And stop hunting male prostitutes with a crossbow,

I will render super nanny powerless!

Wooldoor: I had accepted my roommate's challenge

To give ling-ling a round eye for the asian guy.

To help ling-ling, I've used the most sophisticated technology

That modern medicine can provide.

Household tape. ¶ alleluia ¶

Easy ling-ling, easy.

Behold!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[thud]

Oh, my god! Everything look different!

What?! I speak english now, too?

Wooldoor fixed your eyes.

Now you're just like the rest of us.

It's true. You're finally seeing things the way we see them.

Normal people.

Whoa. This a lot to handle.

Everything be ok as long as ling-ling still have humongous penis.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ling-ling want old eyes back or I kill you all!

Relax, ling-ling, and take a look at this.

Ooh. That look like a road, but much calmer.

I bet I can drive on that.

Ling-ling have chance to redeem himself.

Honorable pig demon, we must return to the place of shame.

Oh, you mean the shower at the y?

No. The department of motor vehicles.

Captain hero: so I started acting like a good boy,

Which rendered super nanny and the naughty stool

As powerless as a midget in a getting-stuff-off- a-high-shelf contest.

Ooh, lookie-lookie, all gone-gone.

Peas go bye-bye into my tummy.

See? Ahhhhhhhhh.

Shall I bring me dishes to the sink before I go off to me bed, milady?

You may.

Captain hero: and that's when I realized

That since super nanny was here,

I was well-rested, less grumpy,

And I hadn't made oopsy-daisies in my bed for 3 nights in a row.

2 more nights, and it's hello, big-boy pants.

Good night, captain hero.

Uh, super nanny, I just wanted to say,

Well, you know, at first, I thought you were, like,

Trying to be more super than me and stuff.

Now I realize you were just trying to help and junk.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you.

Captain hero, you are acceptable. Mwah!

Oh! Could you please check under the bed for monster-monsters?

No monsters, honey.

Just some wadded up tissues

And a book of crime scene photos.

[click]

Aah!

Not today.

[engine starts]

Aah! Aaaaaah!

Oh! We're alive!

¶ who's that guy? ¶

¶ where did he come from? ¶

¶ who's that guy? ¶

¶ where can I get one? ¶

¶ seems to me that he can really ¶

¶ drive ¶ ¶ drive ¶ ¶ drive ¶

¶ won't somebody tell me? ¶

Who's that guy?

Who's that guy?

Who's that guy? Who's that guy?

Why don't I let him tell you?

[tires squeal]

[cheering]

[flashbulbs popping]

[maniac playing on tv]

Hey, is that my barrette?

No, it is not!

Let me see! Let me see!

What's going on here?

Oh, nothing. Captain "shero" was just trying to take my barrette!

It's pronounced captain hero,

The "s" is silent, you hit-head.

Captain hero, enough! To the naughty stool with you!

But--but I--I--

I said, naughty stool! Oh!

Super nanny had always been so fair, but now, she was being super not-fair!

Why would she--wait!

Oh, no! No! I'm out of quarters!

I've got more to say!

[clank]

Aw, jerkoff assholes!

[cheering]

[flashbulbs popping]

There he goes-- the greatest asian ever.

[flashbulb pops]

Spanky: word quickly spread about ling-ling and his new eyes.

Soon, he was the shrimp toast of the town.

Across the globe, asians everywhere wanted to be like ling-ling

And had the wide-eye procedure.

Oh, no wonder I get robbed all the time!

I open store in terrible part of the city.

Thank you, ling-ling!

Oh, wow! My pants have a zipper!

No need to have pants and underwear down around ankles to make pee-pee.

Thank you, ling-ling!

Wait a minute.

That not a sore shoulder muscle hanging between your leg.

I not touch that for all the tea in china.

Thank you, ling-ling!

Oh, this all we got? That not so much tea.

Thank you, ling-ling!

[cheering and flashbulbs popping]

Ling-ling, you got mail.

It's from the naayp.

Holy egg roll-y!

I am being awarded the prestigious asian image award!

What am I going to wear,

Now that I can see hawaiian shirt not appropriate for formal event?

¶ you got in trouble, you got in trouble ¶

Aw, zip your fudge-hole, orca!

Aw, sucks to be you!

Hey, hero, want to go in the hot tub?

Oh, I forgot! You can't!

You're on the naughty stool. Hee hee hee!

Hey, hero, want to watch tv?

Oops! I forgot. You can't.

You're on the naughty stool!

I knew what was going on. Toot wasn't forgetting I was on the naughty stool.

She was trying to make me jealous.

Toot: ¶ I'm watching tv ¶

God damn it! Stupid breaking news!

[gasps] breaking news?

A scary scene took place today in front of the white house.

It's unclear what the mini-troopers want

Or if the president is still alive.

Captain hero, where are you?

Jesús cristo!

Super nanny! Super nanny, where are you?

You've got to let me off the naughty stool so I can save the day!

Super nanny!

Ling-ling: ling-ling arrived to accept great honor,

But some huge asshole decide to be buzz-kill.

What the hell?!

[roaring]

What? Shut up, godzilla.

You're just jealous.

[roaring]

You so full of hot air, you breathe fire.

Ling-ling pretty proud of that one.

This was madness! The white house was under attack,

And I was powerless to help.

I needed to call my super friends to cover for me

And save the day!

Hey, batman, dude, listen.

The white house is under attack.

Can you get over there and--what?

You're on the naughty stool, too?

But why?

Well, that's not a very nice joke to play on alfred.

He needs those pills to live.

Hey, spidey, brougham, could you do me a solid?

What? The naughty stool? You, too?

It turned out all my super friends

Had been sent to the naughty stool.

Green lantern, the hulk, even ethan hawkman!

It didn't make any sense at all until...

[alarm]

Super nanny! My god! She's done this to all the superheroes

So she can take over the world.

Oh, she's super, all right.

[clatter]

Super evil!

Super evil!

[music playing]

Ling-ling: ling-ling was excited about receiving award,

But something in the back of his head kept nagging him.

[roars]

Godzilla was all wrong!

Ling-ling not stripping asians of our culture!

My people would never become fat, lazy, and bad at math.

And you're on in 5, 7, p--ah, forget it.

Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, ling-ling!

[cheering and applause]

Ling-ling thank you all for award.

This...Great...Honor.

[sighs]

But ling-ling no deserve this honor.

He turn his back on culture, and for that,

Ling-ling is so very sorry.

[crowd murmuring]

[speaking japanese]

[roars]

[crash]

[crash] [crash]

[crash]

Get off the damn stool, fool!

You need to save the world!

I can't get off the naughty stool.

I'm not allowed.

Well, what if you just take the fucking naughty stool with you?

Oh, don't be crazy!

I can't carry a stool and flap my arms at the same time!

Oh, yeah. That is a pretty good point.

Shut up, xandir! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Well, that's what you get for trying to take my barrette!

Hold it. If this is your barrette,

Then why do it have the captain hero symbol on it?

Told you it was mine.

Everyone thinks I'm a liar!

Well, I'm a lot of things. I'm an astronaut,

I'm a basketball player,

I'm the president of the universe with a 14-inch cock,

But I'm not a liar.

Now, toot, give me my barrette.

It's my favorite.

No offense, rhinestone kitty.

Fine, ok?! I stole it from hero's room, ok?

See, hero, you have no business being on that stool.

It was your barrette all along.

Now get off the stool and say the word!

You're right. I'm off! Hyah!

[panting]

America, allow me to introduce myself.

I am super nanny, and I am your new leader.

[splat]

Not today, super nanny! [gasps]

Captain hero?!

Time to send your ass back to méxico.

Auf wiedersehen, frenchie!

I don't know how you got off that bloody stool,

But you're too late to stop me!

My army of super-disciplined children obey my every command!

Isn't that true, billy?

Go ahead. Show mr. Hero the power of british discipline.

[crack]

Ooh! There's nothing you can do to stop me.

Oh, really?

[crunch] [gasps]

Holy mother fucking shit! That hurts!

Oops. Sorry.

Do you think you can stop me by stomping on my foot?

Well, unless I'm mistaken,

Naughty language like that will get a certain potty-mouth

Some serious time on the naughty stool.

Oh, wait! Wait! You can't!

To the naughty stool!

Ohhh!

[power down]

Kids: we're free, we're free!

Super nanny used us! Get her!

Take that! And that!

Captain hero: as the mini-troopers tore super nanny limb from limb,

I couldn't help but think that there was very little point to this nonsense,

But if there's any semblance of a lesson here,

It's that just because someone has the word "super" in front of their name,

That doesn't make them super.

On the other hand, if you put "le" in front of a word,

It does make it classy.

Like lesbian, the classiest women of them all.

Looks like you kids have this under control.

Hyah!

[crash]

I'm off to defeat the evil supercuts!

You win this time, supercuts!

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--