Original subtitles

Oh, yeah, of course, sweetie.

Can't wait to see you, too.

Oh, and you know that sexy push-up bra I like?

Yeah, the one with the lace and leather.

I'll be wearing that when you get here.

Bye, baby.

Who is that, mr. Hero?

Ah, this chick I used to bang in superhero school.

She's coming for a visit.

Are you her boyfriend?

Well, I'm more of her backrub buddy.

Hey, kids, captain hero here with getting laid tip 213...

The backrub buddy.

Find a chick who's just been dumped, and comfort her

By massaging her shoulders, and soon...

She'll be massaging your prostate.

Observe.

Oh, wooldoor, I'm so sorry

Your boyfriend chip dumped your ass.

I don't have a boyfriend.

Exactly.

Chip never existed.

Ahh. How does that feel?

Ohh.

Captain hero?

Yes, wooldoor.

I want you inside me.

Class dismissed.

[ling-ling speaking japanese]

[gasps] that is my old band the foxxy 5!

Announcer: welcome back to...

From 1984 to 3 weeks later,

The foxxy 5's funk-basted grooves

Led them to the top of the charts.

But their backstage cat fighting

Ultimately led to the band's demise.

Today, these one-hit nobodies

Are on the "no one cares" train to nowheresville.

What the--

Foxxy ain't no washed-up star!

Um, sorry to break the news, foxxy,

But you've been washed, dried, and lightly starched.

Ah ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

[speaking japanese]

Foxxy: I couldn't believe everybody thought I was yesterday's news.

Sure the foxxy 5 ain't had a hit in 20 years

But our message is still fresh.

Have lots of unprotected sex, and defeat the soviet union.

Screw you guys!

Foxxy's gonna' prove to y'all she ain't no has-been!

She is an is-be!

[both laughing]

What's up, momma?

Oh! Captain hero!

Oh, baby!

I missed you more than a retard misses the point.

What do you mean?

I sure could use one of your infamous backrubs.

I just got dumped.

Hard.

Well, wooldoor, duty calls.

Uh, wait, are you going to sleep with her,

Or are you going to make a poopy?

If all goes well...

Both.

Foxxy: to get back on top,

I had to reunite the band.

Foxxy had to swallow the saltiest thing of all--

Her pride.

Gir-- gir--

Gir-- gir--

Gir-- gir--

Gir-- girl!

Man, I miss you guys.

I don't know why we ever broke up.

Ohh! How you doing, player?

He ain't looking at you, love!

He wasn't looking at your fat ass.

What did you call me? Step off!

Bring it! Gir--

Drop it like it's hot! Can I get a witness?

Holla! Hey, hey, hey!

Hold up!

Foxxies, ain't y'all tired of people

Thinking we has-beens?

Now, I know things were said, feelings was hurt,

Kidneys were shived, boyfriends was anal,

Brakes was cut, and fetuses were abducted.

But if we put aside our differences and work together,

We can make it back to the top.

Foxxy's right.

I don't want to be a has-been.

Hey, hey, hey!

Let's have a toast, sisters,

To the foxxy 5 getting back together.

[clank]

Now, let's get this party started!

[dance music playing]

Now, doesn't that feel better?

Mm-hmm.

My god! Look at you in this light!

You're absolutely stunning!

My back isn't the only part of my body

That's got knots.

Well, I know how to take care of that.

[both moaning]

Ooh, you like that, huh?

Then you're going to love this!

[moaning]

Oh, yeah, right there.

You like that, too, don't you? Yeah!

Yeah. Then you're going to go ga-ga over this!

[spank]

Oh! Yeah.

Oh, god, hero!

Do you remember when we were back in superhero u. Together?

Oh, yeah. Oh, god!

And remember how we made that pact

That if we were still single when we turned 30,

We promised to marry each other?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, god! Well, happy birthday to me!

I'm 30 years old today!

And the pact still stands!

Oh, god! We're getting married!

We're getting married!

[deflating]

[crowing]

Oh, could you turn down that tv, y'all.

Foxxy partied a little too hard last night.

Ooh, I can't believe I can hold that much beer.

[groaning]

[bottles clinking]

[yelling and grunting]

[clinking]

[grunting]

When I left the club,

My sisters were still partying their asses off!

Looks like the foxxy 5 is back!

Announcer: we now interrupt the president's speech with an important--

Now where they at?

News flash.

If there's a heaven for losers and has-beens,

Then move over mozart.

The foxxy 5 is finally home--

What the hell did that mean?

Meaning 4 band members were mowed down

Outside a club early this morning in a tragic hit-and-run.

Oh, lordy!

Foxxy love, who was not present,

Is presumed to still be alive and still be black.

Therefore, she is considered armed and dangerous.

You racist asshole.

Hmm...

I wasn't sure if unusually flexible girl

Was serious about getting married.

But then I saw something

That, like, totally freaked me out.

[gasps] what?

"I'm marrying her--"

"ro!"

That's the most disgustingly clever tattoo

I've ever seen!

There's no way I was marrying that crazy chick.

The only thing this superhero is married to is his work.

And possibly a filipino transvestite in albany.

Oh! That was one crazy yom kippur.

It was my idea to get the band back together.

And now they's dead.

Dead.

Spanky: poor has-been.

I know firsthand what it's like to lose a friend.

I lose 2 or 3 of them everyday.

[ taps playing]

But through my personal form of self-expression,

The scent of their memory lives on.

Yeah. I'm gonna miss those guys.

Listen, babe, I know how you feel.

But your friends' memories can live on

Through your music.

Don't nobody care about my music no more.

Ah, come on, that's the champelle talking, foxxy!

Some of the greatest songs

Have been born from tragic deaths.

Think candle in the wind.

Think tears in heaven.

Think, grandma got run over by a reindeer.

[plays rim shot]

Maybe you're right, spanky. Thank you.

Now, I just hope I still remember

How to play the jingle frisbee.

[random noises]

[jingles]

Choir: ¶ hallelujah ¶

Oh, wooldoor, you charming little simpleton,

Tell that crazy girl I am not marrying her.

I'm not comfortable doing that.

Would you be more comfortable

If I broke your arm in 3 places

And wrapped then it in $100 bills?

Are you threatening me...

Or bribing me?

What an insulting accusation!

Take that back before I pull out your spleen

And then drive you to the hospital

In your brand new car.

Why?!

Why doesn't captain hero want to marry me?

Why doesn't anyone love me?

I'm so alone.

You're not alone. You've got me.

I don't want to end up like nana.

She spent her final years alone

In a dank, smelly nursing home

With nobody around to say, "I love you."

By the time I got back from spring break 2003

Daytona beach mtv monster party jam week,

She was dead!

That's horrible.

I don't want to die alone.

I don't want to die alone either.

We have no choice!

We have to do something! Like what?

Like get married!

I do!

You hear that everyone?

I'm marrying...

What was your name again?

[whispering]

I'm marrying wooldoor!

[laser beam fires and man gulps]

Everybody, wooldoor and I

Have something very important to announce.

We're getting married!

I can't believe you're marrying another.

How will I ever go on?

I am so sorry, captain,

I hope we can still be friends.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

This is so wonderful!

Now everybody's happy!

[chopin's funeral March plays]

[ling-ling speaking japanese]

Oh, I can't do this.

I been working on these lyrics all night,

And I gots nothing.

Foxxy! Put down the notebook.

Let the lyrics bloom forth

Like blossoms from your broken soul.

Ok, spanky.

I's is ready now.

¶ sally popped the hood, bloody guts and pain ¶

¶ squishy, squishy. My, oh, my ¶

¶ compound fracture, punctured lung, bashed in brains ¶

¶ squishy, squishy, yeah, yeah, yeah ¶

Free from the suffocating grip

Of unusually flexible girl,

I was able to sit back, relax,

And enjoy watching wooldoor ruin the rest of his life.

Uh, you're so annoying!

Hey, captain hero,

What would you do if we were getting married

And my parents were paying for everything.

Would we have to put your parents' name on the invitation?

If it were me?

Yaa!

[beeps]

Unusually flexible girl: captain hero, hello!

Oh, well, it's not me, thank god.

But if it were me,

I would want my parents' name on there.

Because they'd be so proud.

Had I made a terrible mistake?

Should I be the one picking out wedding invitations?

Should I be the one choosing floral arrangements?

Should I be the one alienating her parents

Because I don't want to be married in their church of lies?!

You two make a beautiful couple.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a previous engagement.

[groans]

[whimpers]

You made it!

Oh, my god, I'm on the picture square!

¶ sally popped the hood, bloody guts and pain ¶

¶ squishy, squishy, my, oh, my ¶

¶ compound fracture, punctured lung, bashed in brains ¶

¶ squishy, squishy, yeah, yeah, yeah. ¶

¶ crunchy, cracky, smacky, wacky, all that's left ¶

¶ his best friend couldn't top an asphalt death ¶

¶ hey, crashy, smashy ¶

¶ crash and die ¶

¶ my, oh, my ¶

¶ crash and die ¶

¶ yeah, yeah, yeah ¶

¶ crash and die ¶

¶ my, oh, my ¶

¶ crash and die ¶

Foxxy: yeah, baby, a star is reborn!

Oh, come on, let's go out and celebrate.

And I will drive.

You know I ain't been out of this house

Since the night those has-beens got run over?

Number one, fool! Number one!

Oh! Aah!

Foxxy. Why you do this to us?

Why you run us over? Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, lordy!

Oh, ho, ho. You black people

And your gaudy hood ornaments.

Foxxy. Why you do this to us?

Why you run us over? Hey, hey, hey.

I need to call an ambulance!

[gasps]

Oh, girls, I am so sorry. I never shoulda been drinking and driving.

That is the last time I mix liquor and beer

And cough syrup and kool aid and grape kool aid and lemon pledge.

And this time I mean it.

Woman: 911 emergency dispatch.

Yes, um, I need a-- [beep]

Uh, hold on. That's the other line.

Yello!

[gasps] oh, shark bear,

President of lock down records?

What's that?

A record deal?

Oh, my god!

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!

Foxxy...

Why you do this to us?

Please, help us.

Hey, hey, hey!

Foxxy found herself in a pickle,

Instead of the other way around.

If the world finds out my girls were still alive,

There'd be no tragedy...

Which mean no album.

But foxxy had to do the right thing.

Hello, 911?

I'm calling to report a hit.

A number one hit by foxxy love!

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, why oh why did I break it off with unusually flexible girl?

This was the biggest mistake of my life.

Even bigger than that unfortunate incident

With that trick-or-treating kid.

Why would you dress like aqua man if you can't breathe under water?

Oh, you poor baby.

Ahh.

She was the best thing in my life.

And now she's marrying wooldoor.

Oh, that feels great, xandir.

I'm so relaxed.

[soothing music playing]

Well, now see, didn't that movie cheer you up?

I'm afraid not,

But thanks for trying, buddy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, maybe you should just tell her how you feel.

Wait, I have an even better idea.

I'm not sure how putting deaf people in zoos will help you get your girl back.

Damn it you're right!

Ooh, but I know what will.

[reedy voice] hello there, unusually flexible girl,

It is I, wooldoor sockbat here

To say hello to you, my soon-to-be wife.

Wooldoor, you're not supposed to see me

In my dress before the wedding.

Are you sure you should be wearing a white dress?

I mean, you are a huge slut.

Wooldoor, you shouldn't speak to me like that.

But that is how I, wooldoor sockbat,

Believe a husband should speak to his wife.

And, of course, he should pee on her.

Looks more like a yellow wedding. Ha ha ha!

Stop it this instant! Gross! Stop it!

Foxxy had finally made it back to the top.

And like those assholes who died on mt. Everest,

I intended to stay there.

Spanky, I just cut my next single.

Listen to this.

[foxxy's song plays]

[farting sounds]

What the hell is that?

I sampled your farts, spanky!

[farting sounds]

And now people are going to think it's like a brand new song!

How dare you!

Aah!

Those farts are meant to keep the personal memory

Of my fallen brethren alive,

Not to be packaged and sold for fame and fortune.

That's not how spanky do!

[gasps]

Hmm.

Yes, any minute now,

Unusually flexible girl was going to dump wooldoor.

There you are, wooldoor jebediah sockbat.

Holy shit, what happened?

[moaning]

Oh, baby.

Last night was so hot!

Wh--how do you mean?

Yeah.

Wooldoor drowned me in a yellow fountain of passion

The likes of which I've never felt.

And he cured my athlete's foot.

I have never been so turned on in my life!

Let's go upstairs, stud.

Wooldoor: okie dokie.

Captain hero: this was the biggest mistake of my life.

Xandir: well, maybe you should just tell her how you feel.

Foxxy: hey, hey, hey.

Unusually flexible girl, wait.

I am the one you should be marrying,

Not wooldoor.

It was you, wasn't it?

You're the one who showered me

With golden affection.

That's right, baby.

I've always loved ya.

Captain hero! How could you?

[crying]

After the wedding, we can move in

With my mother, unusually jewish woman,

And you can go into my father's business.

[deflating]

[fart song playing]

I thought a lot about what spanky said.

Maybe I was no better than that asshole elton john.

I had to apologize to my girls

And set them free.

Aah!

[crying]

Get out!

I hate you! I hate you!

Listen, brougham, I've thought it over,

And you can totally have her back.

Really?

Yeah, I just wanted her because I couldn't have her.

And now that I have her, I don't want her.

It's just like the time

I was all excited to catch herpes.

Really? Whoo!

¶ la la la la ¶

¶ la la la la ¶

¶ la la la la ¶

¶ la la la la ¶

Whoo! Whoo!

Wait. Now that I can have her,

I don't want her.

Guess I'm just like you.

That means I can fly!

Whee!

I still don't want her.

Oh, come on. You're the one

Who promised to marry her.

You're the one who promised to marry her first.

And third.

Don't make me kick your ass.

Don't make me suck your dick.

Don't make me cuddle you like a baby.

Don't make me suck your dick.

Oh! Oh!

All I wanted was someone to grow old with.

Now, because of you two assholes,

I'm gonna die alone!

Just like nana!

[sobbing]

Why doesn't anyone love me?

[sobbing]

Spanky, the girls is gone!

Everybody gonna know what I did!

I'm ruined!

Yeah, no kidding? Look.

Announcer: in a now where they at? Update,

Foxxy love has been bounced from the top spot

To make room for the realest act you've ever seen.

Here they are with their newest single,

The foxxy 4.

¶ the drunken fish ran us down with her hoopty ¶

¶ hey, hey, hey ¶

Guess I'm all washed up again.

I can't be too upset.

I deserve this.

Sorry, babe.

But look on the bright side.

At least you invested your money wisely

Instead of wasting it all on flashy tooth jewelry.

Right, foxxy?

Unusually flexible girl: get off me!

We're sorry, unusually flexible girl.

Come on. Let's go inside

And talk about this.

No. You guys are so mean to me.

Oh, come on, you crazy bitch.

You know we both love you.

Really?

Both of you love me?

Have you noticed that we haven't been getting

Any screen time this week?

Well, uh, duh!

That's because we've been in the basement all week

Making this awesome potato gun!

Are you sure this is safe?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Ooh!

I'm so happy you--

Wooldoor: uh-oh. Ooh.

Hmm.

[stretching]

[siren]

[french music plays]

[african music plays]

[slavic music plays]

[chinese music plays]

Oh, my god!

This is terrible!

She's dead!

And it's all our fault!

Hold on, little fella.

Huh?

While we can't be proud

Of the way we passed her back and forth

Like a used condom,

We can be proud of one thing.

We gave her a potato instead of a face?

No.

We saved her from the one thing she feared most.

We didn't let her...

Die alone.

Aw, and look.

She's smiling.

We are good people.

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

[somber music playing]