Original subtitles

{One way or another}

{I'm gonna find ya}

{I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya}

{One way or another}

{I'm gonna win ya}

{I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha}

{One way or another}

{I'm gonna see ya}

{I wanna meet ya, meet ya, meet ya, meet ya}

{One day, maybe next week}

{I'm gonna meet ya}

{I'm gonna meet ya, I'll meet ya}

{I will drive past your house}

{I'll see who's around}

OK, so it's the 21st century.

A 15-year-old using a toothbrush to masturbate about her best friend

really shouldn't be that big a deal.

You'll go blind.

Afterall this is... Brighton.

Sin City. The capital of sleaze.

We moved here last week so we could escape the filth and excesses of London...

and "spend more time together as a family".

That's it!

- For fuck's sake, Nathan! - Pillock!

Bitch!

It was a fucked-up idea from the beginning.

This is my dad, Nathan. Half man, half pinny.

And this is my mother. Only I call her Stella.

She doesn't like to be reminded of her parental responsibility.

And this is Matt, my little brother.

Freak.

And here are our identikit gay neighbours, Dave and David.

- We're getting a man in. - l am a man.

A professional. David?

- Dave. - David.

- Oh. - Our handyman Dale is a darling.

A real gem. Done all our friends.

Mm.

And me?

I haven't been the same since I met Sugar.

Maria Sweet.

Kiss ass, baby.

Kiss ass.

The girl I'm sexually obsessed with.

She'll do anything, say anything, have anything.

Well, anything with a dick, that's the problem.

She's not gay. And I don't want to be.

It was a twisted relationship from the moment we met.

Shit!

Hey!

Hold these, will ya?

Fuck! Go on, chase me, you fat git!

I don't think you've paid for those.

I had to put an end to this.

Let me stop staring at her tits.

You know, if we're gonna hang out,

you could at least try and make it less obvious.

You're such a fucking virgin.

Sugar was right. I was a virgin.

How did I know I was gay if I hadn't had sex?

If I slept with a boy, I might Iike it.

You've gotta lose it to prove it.

Hi.

- Nice tits. - Die.

Dyke!

Oh, fuck off! l'm changing.

I want to have sex.

- With a man. - Well, yeah.

Here, hold this.

It's good, innit? Jesus swiped it for me.

From Topshop. Little prick.

- Jesus? - Yeah, Jesus. My brother, Jesus.

My mum's a Catholic.

Got a problem?

So...who's the lucky guy then?

The lucky guy?

Deciding to sleep with a man's one thing,

but finding one who doesn't make you feel sick...

The problem with men...

is that the reality never lives up to the promise.

Hi.

Hi.

Kim, this is Dale, the handyman Dave recommended.

Excuse me.

Right. Um...

Better...go. OK.

Told you he was good.

- Trained as an actor. - Mm.

Fancy all that talent going to waste.

Having explained to Sugar about...

Dale, oh, delicious Dale!

Fill me with your divine...

..she'd invited me round to her place to give me tips on pulling men.

Sugar's room was paradise.

Go on, then. Strip.

- What? - You won't pull him looking like that.

Not unless he's the schoolgirl type, in which case, stay well clear.

Come on. Bra and everything.

Or should l say...corset?

Do you know what you need?

- Surgery? - To get pissed.

Come on!

Down it!

- Again! - I can't, I'm wasted!

Like this!

Roll...your...hips.

Let me see you move, baby.

- Oy! - Oh, you...

- Pull me. - What?

Go on. Pull me. Pretend l'm him. Pretend I'm Duane.

- Dale. - Dale with the delicious...

Stop it!

I'd better go.

It's amazing how what can seem like a good idea one minute...

...is a crap one the next.

Roll...your...hips.

By the time I got back...

pulling Dale was the last thing I had on my mind.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Kim!

Oh!

And anyway, it was Stella who'd got the decorator in.

Kim!

Kim!

Kim, wait, please!

How could you?

Nobody's perfect.

Well...I hate to say it...

..but he's done a good job.

Yeah, nice and straight.

Well hung.

He's gone into all the nooks and crannies.

When he's finished in here, he can start on the lounge.

Right. Toad-in-the-hole.

- I'm gonna be sick. - Kim?

- Leave her. - Your dinner.

- Nathan, it's called growing up. - She didn't have any breakfast.

Bowl!

Which is worse,

knowing your mum's screwing around or being too chicken to tell your dad?

There was only one person I wanted to see right now.

- Hi. - Unfortunately, it was Tom.

The son of our gay neighbours, Dave and David.

And my brand-new stalker.

Is this a bad time?

Cool. Cool poster.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Che!

I mean, cool.

Cool. Revolutionary.

What a man.

And not... No, no... I don't mean I...

I mean, he's not...

Not that I am...

Sometimes with my dad...

and my...dad...

I'm not queer.

Would you excuse me for a minute?

Erm... Sorry.

God help me.

Shit.

Oh, shit.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Oh!

Oh, shit!

I desperately needed a Sugar fix.

Not like she was a great shoulder to cry on.

Look on the bright side. At least your mum's got good taste - you said he was fit.

But the breasts offered some comfort.

I know what'll cheer you up.

Donkey-riding.

You know Daz.

Sugar's boyfriend.

The worst DJ in Brighton, which considering how many there are here,

is something of an achievement.

And this...

This is the Donkey.

- The Donkey? - All right?

OK, so he could have had a funny laugh.

- May l? - Yeah.

Then again...

Mm...

Mmm.

It's not like her. It's strange.

Don't you think it's strange?

She's definitely been acting strangely lately.

I know it's an upheaval, changing schools, settling in, making new friends...

But Matt seems to be managing.

She's always loved...

...toad-in-the-hole.

She's stopped calling me Dad.

She never did. It's Stella and Nathan, always has been.

Maybe that's wrong. Maybe it's time we started acting like a family.

When was the last time we all went for a walk?

- Nathan... - Or went to the cinema or watched TV?

She's 15. You're meant to hate your parents when you're 15.

You think she hates us?

So this was meant to take my mind off things.

Watching the girl of my dreams with a man

who spends weekends spinning Justin Timberlake for the Ladies Rotary.

I had nothing else to distract me.

The Donkey was hardly a great conversationalist.

Drink?

Evidently the blood destined for his brain had been diverted to greedier organs.

Kim? Kiz!

Kim? Are you in here?

Kiz?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Well, either you're having a crap or you're throwing a strop.

Either way, something ain't right cos you've been in there for half an hour.

- What are you doing? - Coming over.

ls it your mum?

Shouldn't you be with Darren?

No, he talks too much.

My dad used to shag around.

His wife lived in Hove.

You're better off just...

having a laugh, getting pissed, and forgetting all about it.

You're sweet, Kiz.

You're all fucked up.

If it's any consolation,

all the stuff l said before about losing it...

What?

I've always been too pissed to remember.

Why is everyone so fucked up about sex?

Kim?

Kim, I brought you some dinner.

I, erm...

Dad?

It's... There's no toad, it's just, er...hole.

Er, I thought you might be off the meat again, so...

Corrections by Allenmcbeal

Tracklist : "One Way Or Another", Blondie (title music) "No Sleep Tonight", The Faders

"Praise You", Fatboy Slim "Dance Bitch", Estelle "Teenage Kicks", Nouvelle Vague

"The Big Jump", The Chemical Brothers "Like A Virgin", Papkasseshow "That�s entertainment", Morrissey

"Chicken Payback", The Bees "Get On Your Life", The Black Velvet "Bingo Bango", Basement Jaxx

"Sweet song", Blur "Today Has Been OK", Emiliana Torrini