All language subtitles for Witless.Protection.2008.720p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

Congratulations on your purchase

of the Spartan Police
digital training course,

guaranteed to turn you into a lean, mean

- crime-fighting machine!
- Here we go.

Ah! Damn!

Son of a...

Take that! Like that!

Take it!

The Gyro Spartan 3000, sold separately,

is the ultimate tool for developing agility,

catlike reflexes,

and total body control.

For just 99 payments of $99,

the Gyro Spartan will be

the best investment
you'll ever make!

One more.

You are well on your way

to becoming the super-cop
of your most cherished dream.

Larry here.

Bo here. I'm at Elmer's.

Better get down here.
We got us a situation.

All right, Sheriff, I'm on my way.

What's up, Boodles?

Let's go do some good.

What's going on?

Uh, Elmer's in the barn.

He's armed, and he's got a hostage,

somebody named Buttercup.

We figure it's either his girlfriend
or his horse.

With Elmer, it's the same thing.

Hold that.

Oh, you.

Elmer! It's Larry!

Don't shoot.

I'm coming in!

Where you at, bud?

Right here.

Tell me your troubles.

It's over, Larry.

That damn mare's thrown me
for the last time.

I'm gonna put her down.

Stay here.

Put down that damn gun.

Hey, sugar.

Hey. Need a buttercup
for Buttercup. Huh?

Buttercup for Buttercup?

These is delicious.

There you go.

See what we got here.

What the...

Oh, for Pete's sake.

You big retard!

Hey, Elmer!

Next time, clean the burrs
off the saddle

before you put it on her.

Sorry, Larry.

Don't tell me, tell her.

Well, I ain't going to apologize
to no dumb animal.

You know, that's probably
why you're getting thrown.

You don't know how to treat a lady.

Here.

Go on, give it to her.

Good girl.

I'm sorry.

That's a girl.

Ah, jeez.

Smoot just saved the free world, Larry.

Where the hell were you?

Staking out the Krispy Kreme.

Putting up his profile
on IntimateCousins. com.

Laugh it up, you sorry
sons of bitches.

I closed that deal.

I made you a malt, Larry.

Drown your sorrows.

What sorrows? I saved Buttercup
and kept Elmer out of jail.

Then it's a celebration!

Ah. Boy, Connie,
you know what your malts do to me?

Countin' on it, darlin'

I get off in an hour.

Ain't gonna take that long.

I got Crisco at my house.

Hey, I thought that lure
is supposed to catch the big fish.

You playing a minnow,
there, Connie.

Gus, if Larry's a minnow,
you must be a shrimp.

Boy, big-titted and quick-witted.

That's how I like 'em.

She's the onliest reason

I stay around this two-mule town.

I thought it was for the free rent.

Or the fishing.

The unbreakable bond of friendship
that dates back to our formative years.

Yeah, I do dream of bigger things.

Although, Connie's ain't small.

I mean, big enough
for most fellers, but...

Nope, what this town lacks

is law enforcement opportunities
that equal my cap-a-cicity.

You ain't gonna find a town
with less crime than this one.

Smoot wants to shuffle off
to the raisin ranch.

How does Sheriff Larry sound?

Hey, better yet,

how does Special Agent Larry sound?

Federal Bureau of...

Guys who show their butt cracks!

FBI, Gus.

That's right,
I'm ready for the big-time.

'Cause I know a criminal
when I see one,

a rat when I smell one,

and a bad moon when it rises.

Bring her in.

Tell me she ain't hotter
than an electric prod on a hog's ass.

Did you see them fellers?

Them bulges?

They either got elephant mumps
or they're packin' heat.

Oh, you've been watching
way too many cop shows.

They try to go in there with me,
I'm going to scream.

Did she just say something
about screaming?

You think she's in trouble, huh?

Yeah, I do.

Oh, happy prunes!

Especially since Dotter and Marge
just dropped a deuce in there!

Four coffees to go, honey.

Black, honey?

There's a black
Suburban out there.

You know who drives
black Suburbans?

Drug dealers,

smugglers,

I'm telling you.

Keep your hands off me.

See, look.

Calm down. Don't make a scene.

What'd I tell you?

Did you see that rude jerk?

Yes, I did.

Not only is he a rude jerk,

I think he's a kidnapper.

Have you lost your marbles?

Come on, men in black,
high-class babe.

Babe? You think she's a babe?

She looked like
a different B-word to me.

"Furtervious," sneaky attitude,

security procedurals...

If this ain't a kidnapping,
I ain't a lawman.

Now that you mention it...

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna rescue me
a damsel in deestress.

If you're gonna rescue a damsel,
I get off in 48 minutes.

Connie, this could
be my chance at the big time here.

You're blowing your chance
for a big time with me.

Sweetheart, you're
gonna be proud of me.

I don't want to be proud.
I want to get some.

Some help cleaning my garage.

Well, I guess big time can wait
a minute and 37 seconds.

Forget it.

You'd rather chase that other woman.

I wouldn't touch you now
if you put on your Billy Ray Cyrus wig.

She's kidding.

I ain't got no such like wig.

Con, come on, I really
need to do this.

Well, what if you're wrong?

Like the time I shot
that masked gunman

at Coleman's jewelry store

and it turned out
to be Old Man Coleman?

Yes, on Halloween.

Or that time I thought I cracked
that major illegal immigrant ring,

and it turned out to be the Sanchez
family reunion?

Yeah, Mayor Sanchez
was pretty upset about that.

All right, so I made
some minor mistakes,

but you can't make an omelet
without cracking a few walnuts.

Con, this is gonna be different.

Next time you see me,
that badge is gonna say FBI.

You'll see.

I don't love your job, Larry.

I love you.

Then trust me,
I'm doing the right thing,

Larry, please.

Darlin', a man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.

I know. I just don't
want my man to get hurt.

Then your love will be
my bulletproof vest.

Oh, Larry.

Women.

Who can possibly unravulate
their mysteries?

Then again, who gives a shit?

I'm just kidding.
I didn't mean that, Con.

Norm's Last Chance. This is Norm.

Oh, toothless son of a godless whore!

I got teeth.

And for the last time,
Mama was a dancer.

You got my money, cuz? A bet's a bet.

You gotta be kidding me.

That girl had more scars on her chest
than Frankenstein.

That's because she
was mauled by a bear.

But her boobs were real.

All right, I'll pay you. Shit.

But listen, at presently,

I'm involved in a high-level
law enforcement pursuit

and have reason to believe
that the subject in question

may attempt to regress
at your peril, man.

Speak American, Larry.

Got bad dudes
headed your way, Norm.

No, I am quite sure
that no men-in-black kidnappers

driving Suburbans
with beautiful hostages

has been by here today.

Well, burn the tick off my butt.

Hold 'em there, keep 'em there.
I'm on the way.

With my money?

We must be going through
a bad cell area, Norm.

I'll see you in a minute.

The oil's fine.

Hell, I'm sure it is,
but I have to check it.

It's part of the full service.

Consider it checked.

Well, I can't do that.
It's company policy.

All right, all right. just make it snappy.

The oil is fine, isn't it?

Yes, sir. Yes, it is.

What's that?

Oh, it's gas. It's gas.

You got a fuel leak.

Here, it's split.

See, GM gets these
chintzy hoses from Red China,

and they're not worth turd pie.

Shut up. Just fix it.

Yes, sir. Yes.

How much longer
is this going to take?

Well, I don't have
this exact hose in stock,

so I'm gonna have to improvise.

There's no smoking in here, ma'am.

How nice. A gentleman.

That's me.

"Swayve" and "deboner."

Listen, I'm here to help you.

Help me what?

Escape.

From the clutches of evil.

How, by impeaching Bush?

Listen, just act natural
and get in my truck over there.

I'd rather get in a hearse
for my own funeral.

You need to speed it up.

I'm trying to execute
a flawless ejaculation.

I beg your pardon!

- Hey!
- Oh, shit. We've been nailed.

Get away from me, you pervert.

- Hold it!
- Blue 47! Break!

- Put me down!
- Hold my head!

Start the car.

Aah! No! Put me down,
you crazy grizzly bear.

Get in the car!

Ah! No!

Boy, those are real.

I didn't get the clip on!

Are you insane?

No, I'm Larry.

You haven't the slightest idea
of what you're doing.

Sweet potato, I know
exactly what I'm doing.

Brilliant.

Mobsters or terrorists?

I don't know. Are you
a mobster or a terrorist?

Not me, them.

They're FBI agents, you cretin.

I ain't cree.

So why'd the FBI kidnap you?

They didn't kidnap me.
They were protecting me.

You're kidnapping me.

- Brainwashed you, huh?
- What?

They do the Patty Hearst on ya?

A little stockyard syndrome?

Frickin' evil bastards.

Hey.

If I want you to play with my shifter,
I'll let you know.

Well, are you at least
going to excuse yourself?

Liberal, huh?

What?

That's what liberals do.

Always trying to
accuse everybody else

of doing the same thing they're doing.

Are you trying to imply
that you didn't just break wind?

That little squeak?
That was all you, sugar.

Believe me, if I let one fly,
they'll pick that up on the Doppler.

Well, at least roll down my window.

Oh, for the love of Mike.

Looks like you've
inflicted collateral damage

upon my finest mallard caller.

I want you to stop this truck
and let me out immediately.

- Aah!
- What the...

Stop this truck!

Sweet potato, I got a policy.

If somebody's shooting at me, I run.

Watch this.

Floor it!

What's happening?

It's the hose, sir.

He didn't get the clip attached.

He didn't get the clip attached.

Are we slowing down?

Are they getting away?

Does a compass point north?

It does, sir.

That a girl.

Boy, I love this truck.

What is that god-awful racket?

You need to download
a decent ringtone.

- Hello.
- What the hell is going on?

That's what I'd like to know.

Toby Keith's a good one.
Charlie Daniels.

Are you all right?

As if you care. You were shooting at me.

Waylon. Willie's always good.

Not at you, at the psycho.

You were never in any danger.

Oh, what a relief.

I was never in any danger.

He was shooting at the psycho.

Them son of a bitches almost
made a mistake and got me.

Give me that phone.

This is Deputy Larry Stalder
of the Amicus County Sheriff's Department.

Identify yourself.

Special Agent Ricardo Bodi, FBI,

Witness Protection Program.

I thought the FBI was supposed to
rescue hostages, not take 'em.

You seem to be laboring under some
misconception, Deputy.

We were in the process of escorting
a valuable witness

when you intervened.

Boy, I love that government lingo.

What's that mean?

I'm impressed, Deputy.

You're a smooth talker.

Your truck has deceptive speed.

Yeah, it's pretty fast, too.

Now, I want my witness back.

Let me ask you something,

how long you been
with the Bureau?

19 wonderful years,

during which, mostly said,
I have compiled

a unblemished record
of impeccable service,

which I'd like to keep intact.

19 years?

Shoot, you oughta be SAC by now.

Indeed, I am.

Scratch my nuts and call me shorty,

I'm talking to a special agent in charge.

You know, that was
always one of my not so secret dreams

to wanna be a G-man myself.

You don't say.

I do say, and in spades.

Nothing racialistic intended.

You think you could
write me a letter of recommendation?

It'd be my pleasure.
Now what about my witness?

Heck, if that's all that's holding us up,
let's go to the swap meet.

I'll call you back.

Standin' by!

Get your little book out.

Write down the name Larry.

Now draw a line through it.

I didn't think it was possible.

What's that?

For you to be dumber than you look.

Guess again, Longshanks.

You know, I didn't think it was possible

for somebody's ass to be
tighter than a bull's during fly season.

You don't even know
where you're going.

I know exactly where I'm going.

Shoot, I know these
back roads like I do

the ingrown hair pimples
on my ex-girlfriend's front bud.

I see.

You wanna step
out of the car, please, ma'am?

Just don't ask me to get back in.

Beautiful, isn't it?

If you like insects,
animal excrement, and dysentery.

Look, we ain't been
formally introduced.

My name's Larry.

I know, although
I profoundly wish I did not.

And who are you?

I'm Madeleine Dimkowski.

Pleasure to meet your acquaintance,
Madeleine.

Just have a couple of
questions I need to ask you.

Such as...

just what is the FBI
protecting you from?

None of your business.

So you won't talk.

Not a chance.

Is that your final answer?

Hey, you heard her, Skinny.
She don't wanna talk.

What's that?

No, we can't force her.

Shoot, this ain't Abu Grub.

Okay, I'll talk. I'll talk.

Just... Just... Just...
Just get that thing...

I was a senior accountant
at GiantCom.

I worked for Arthur Grimsley.

I know that case...

I know that case.
I seen it on Court TV.

Operation Looker Cooker.

Yeah, that Grimsley was
skimming six ways from Sunday,

had that good-looking babe cooking the books
and cuffing his pork.

Hey, why'd you beef?

You lost me in the meat section.

Grimsley dumped you.

He most certainly did not dump me.

I was just fed up with the venality
and the chicanery.

Well, that vecanery,
that chaps my ass, too.

But his goons will try
to keep me from testifying.

The FBI was escorting me
to the trial in Chicago

until you decided
to play the Lone Ranger.

Clint Eastwood.
I was playing Clint Eastwood.

Whomever.

Lone Ranger.

Them little powder blue duds? Shoot.

Them things would ride up my crack.

I'll answer it.

First get rid of that thing.

Shoot. Skinny?
He's just a little old rat snake.

He ain't gonna hurt nobody.

Let me see that phone.

Yeah?

You know Tutweilers
Pig Farm off route 45?

I do.

Follow the smell. I'll meet you there.

I'll be there.

Heh. Now we'll see who's
stupid, Miss I.P. Perfume.

It stinks out here.

Is it also humid?
Are we on planet Earth?

Hello, Larry.

You got my letter?

Right here.

Well, now.

What about my witness?

She's fine.

Say, where's your backup at?

What backup?

Section 17. It's in the manual.

Proper procedural
for a hostage transfer.

We don't always go by the book, Larry.

Go on! Get on out, everybody!

Now!

Enough. Enough.

This is silly. Get in the car.

Slide over. What you trying to do,
get me killed?

Jesus.

Just... go.

God damn.

You crazy son of a bitch!

What'd you do back there?

Found out Bodi's dirty.

Dirtier than Larry Flynt's diary.

- That's idiotic!
- He ain't followin' procedure.

Oh, as if you would know.

1, he opened fire
in dangerous close proximification

to a protected witness.

That's a violation.

2, he agreed
to my proposed location

for a little teet-a-teet,

and didn't have
the escape routes covered.

That's a violation.

And 3, he didn't call for backup.

- That's a setup.
- Is that all?

Ain't that enough?

You held up four fingers, Larry.

Oh, yeah.
My letter of recommendation.

Oh. He could just be indignant.

On a government salary
with benefits?

You kidding me?

Indignant, as in offended.

Not indigent, as in penniless.

Oh, forgot it.
Why do I bother with a man

who keeps a possum
in his glove compartment?

Wally's in the glove box?
Wally! Wally!

Don't!

What are you gonna do with me?

Pretty soon we'll be
in Chicago, there, Slim Jim,

and when I turn you over
to the United States Attorney,

I think you'll be singing
a different tune.

Quite possibly
"Achy Breaky Heart".

We only give free refills
to nice customers,

and y'all weren't that nice.

We're looking for Larry.

He ain't in my bra.

Yes, ma'am.

Who are you guys?

You look like that movie.

Is Larry an alien?

'Cause that would
explain a lot of things.

Nice beaver.

Crabs.

No, I mean...

He was attacked by land crabs.

Cut him up pretty bad
with their claws.

If, uh, Larry
wanted to get away

because he was in trouble,
where would he hide out?

His cousin's, probably.

- Who's that?
- He's got about 60,

spread across five states.

Hey, where's the chick
with all the jewels?

He has her. He has her
or he's had her?

He has her! I don't know
if he's had her.

'Cause if he's had her, he's had it!

No, I've had it!

This is a top priority case.

I don't have time
to play games with you.

Where's your warrant
to bust in here?

I can tell you in two words:

national security.

I can tell you back in two words:

bull... shit.

Okay, um, all right, all right,
gentlemen, let's...

What now?

Let's go see the sheriff.

I only stay at five-star hotels.

Well, you're in luck
'cause this is the Six Star Inn.

Shoot, you're worth four stars
all by yourself.

Is that a compliment?

You're quicker
than a mule gettin' nut kicked.

What is that god-awful racket?

It's my phone.

Hello.

The FBI just paid me a visit.

Con, you okay?

Do you even care?

Course I do. Where you at?

Your place, feedin' the critters.

Hey, where's Wally?

Oh, he's with me.

Those men in black busted in here.

But I chased 'em off with your shotgun.

Girl of my dreams.

Hey, we'd better get off the phone.

They might be tappin' it.

Hey, you better not be tappin' anything.

I wouldn't touch this
Big Bird-lookin' beanpole

with a stolen pecker.

Don't you try to sweet talk me, Larry.

Just keep your hands to yourself

and watch out for those G-men.

All right. Bye, Con.

Bye, darlin'.

If I could understand
what you were saying,

I'd be insulted.

Aw, nothing but compliments.

Come on in.

Cozy.

Got any cash on you?

Cash?

I don't think I got enough money.

Can't use plastic.

Big Brother will trace that.

Check in?

Oh, no, unless it's barbecued.
I'm a steak kind of guy.

Checking. In you're checking.

Oh, checkin' in.

Yeah, right, uh,

Mr. and Mrs. Earnhardt.

Nights, how many?

Oh, just one.

Hold on there, cupcake.

She got to go to the toilet.

You know, female bladders,
like thimbles.

I can see why, though.
We've been driving

all the way, uh, from Miami.

Bed king?

Well, you have to ask her.
I'm pretty good,

but I wouldn't say I'm a bed king.

- What would you think?
- You're not.

You know, maybe a duke or prince.

Size bed. King?

Two twin beds
would be fine, thank you.

As far apart as possible.

Card credit you have?

Credit card? You got
a problem with cash?

The almighty U.S. dollar?

La, la. It's policy.

Policy.

You know what? In America,
the world's freest society...

this note is legal tender
for all debts, public and private.

Can you read English,
there, pamper-head?

Pissing me off you are.

Card credit?

We just been
through that, Mohammed!

- Omar!
- Omar Mohammed

or Mohammed Omar?

Omar Bensaladine Sharif Al Rashan.

Well, son of a bitch,
ain't got to cuss me out.

At least throw in an infidel
or something I can understand.

Go burn a flag,
throw rocks at my embassy.

No card, no key.

Well, that's how
it's gonna be, huh? Looky here.

Oh, boy.

Out of jurisdiction you are.

You forced my hand.

That is what?

There, Johnny Quest,
this here's a swab.

And what it does is test
for explosive "resininity."

Which in case, if I find,

I will tell my friends at the Department
of Homeland Security

and you'll be sitting at Club Gitmo

quicker than you can
say Islamic Jihad,

using your holy book here
for toilet paper.

Credit card no.

Key yes.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Okay, thank you. God bless you.

You're such a nice man.
I love you so much.

You're a funny little feller.

Trash white.

Oh, nice.

What a dump.

I'm famished, and I have to pee.

Well, let me make you
nice and comfortable.

So you see, Sheriff, absolute secrecy

and immediate action
are necessary.

I understand, yes.

This... This Lady X,

if she has vital information
about al-Qeada in America...

Oh, that damn Larry.

I wanted him to take over for me.

The poor simpleton
couldn't catch fish

in a trout pond with dynamite.

Do you think he'll call you?

Me? No.

Then who?

Well, if Connie can't
tell you where he is,

then your best bet would be
Bo, Gus, and Tater.

His law firm?

No, his drinking buddies.

You're a fine officer of the law.

Well, thank you, sir.

Six Star Inn near Brownsville.

Suspicious clerk called it in.

Omar Bensaladine Sharif Al Rashan.

Omar Bensaladine
Sharif Al Rashan, huh.

Sounds like a good American.

Honey, I'm home!

You doing all right in there?

What, are you thinkin' about me
in a pair of little shorty-shorts?

I'm coming in.

Sorry I took so long.

Aw, don't give me that look.

I'm trying to save your life.

Don't do that again.

Ever!

Well, as soon as you trust me,

I can trust you.

Madame.

Ch�teau Screw Cap '08?

No, thanks.

All right, well, suit yourself.

What's that?

Wheatgrass with spirulina.

Best stuff in the world for you.

Whew.

Smells like a hot tub
in an old folks home.

Let's eat!

For the lady.

Spinach salad...

with a side of your tofuie.

That ought to taste real good
with that pond scum of yours.

I have a headache.

Probably starvation.

Is that citronella?

I know you don't like bugs, so...

Outdoor use only, Larry.

The fumes are poisonous.

Only thing poisonous
around here is your attitude.

Oh, well, put yourself in my position.

Oh, wait. First you'd have to have
an I.Q. above room temperature.

The last female I was with
that was as warm and cuddly as you

was a porcupine.

And what's that?

Aw, a little present.

I got you some PJs.

Stop trying to be romantic, Shrek.

Romantic?

What, are you trying
to make me blow chunks?

Stuck-up women like you
put a rash on my nuts.

What's so funny?

I, um, owe you an apology.

You owe me about a hundred.

I actually thought

this was some warped stump-jumper's
idea of a seduction.

No, I never jumped
no stumps before.

But I did get a blue ribbon
at the Fair in clog kickin'.

Really? I didn't think
you people actually...

We don't.

Look, you misunderstood
my interior motives.

Typical womanly thing to do.

They all think men think like they do,

when in fact...

Their minds are much simpler
and less developed?

Yeah.

Can we eat now?

I guess that's a yes.

Is that really necessary?

Well...

you believe Bodi is dirty?

Yes.

Heh, nice try.

You get some sleep.

Larry.

Whoa.

They almost busted my rod.

I'll bet that's a 40-pound catfish.

Uh, what the hell?

I can't sleep like this.

Well, we could put the beds together.

I'll find a way to cope. Good night.

Good night, Madeleine.

Betty Jean,

I didn't know you had feelings for me.

Give us a kiss.

Oh, I do have feelings for you.

Didn't I show you that all night?

Ya did?

Yeah, but a girl
needs a rest.

And so do you,
handsome.

You know, I mighta
let you get away with it

if it wasn't
for that last remark.

But even I know
I ain't handsome.

Give me the key.

- Give the key!
- No!

Way to go, chick from Alias.

You done made me swallow the key.

One car, again.

No backup, again.

Still don't think he's dirty?

I think we can make it.

They might shoot at us.

You do have feelings for me.

- They might hit me.
- Well,

then both our troubles will be over.

Come on!

Hold it!

Cease fire, or your witness
will be a Sloppy Joe!

Cease fire!

It's a dud, sir.

Now what?

Now I must do what we were
trying to avoid.

Call Grimsley.

How's that?

No, put somethin' else on.

Man, forget it.

- Gimme some of that sludge.
- What?

Some of that algae juice you drink,
whatever the hell it is.

Yeah, here.

So good for you.

Hey, it ain't too bad.

I know.

Well, that was some good eatin'.

Where the hell is it?

Bingo.

You believe me now?

Maybe.

All right, we're making progress.

Now I'm gonna prove it.

I'm starving how about you?

I thought we couldn't use plastic.

Paper trail? Big Brother?

That was before I was sure

that Bodi and the Three Dwarves
was working alone.

Nail clippers.

What?

Oh, God!

Sir, I strongly suggest
you remove your boots.

You strongly suggest?

That's right.

Well, I'm going to have to firmly decline
your strong suggestion.

Sir, please do not attempt
to enter this area

without removing your boots.

Well, what happened to suggestion?

Your attitude is uncooperative.

Your attitude is snottier
than a teething toddler with a head cold.

Sir?

you are behaving
in a disruptive manner

that may violate federal law.

All right, I'll take off my boots.

But if I do, I got to warn you...

Don't warn me!

Warning a federal official
may constitute a threat

under the Patriot Act.

Well, then I firmly suggest

that you get gas masks
for everybody in this vicinity

'cause to be honest,
last time I took these off in public,

I had skunks coming out
waving white flags.

There is nothing funny
about homeland security!

- You're shoutin'.
- I'm not shouting!

Yeah, you are.
Why are you shouting?

Because I am a deeply insecure,

petty bureaucrat
with a domineering wife!

- And you have a gun.
- You have a gun?

No, I don't have a gun,
you have a gun.

Gun!

Get down!

Bitch!

Don't touch that!

- Hey!
- I got him!

Somebody call the police!

Bad mistake.

Way to go, Michael Vick.

What is that?

I don't know, and I don't want to.

It's disgusting.

Is that hair?

Send in the expert.

Oh, my God.

What is that?

Is it a fuse?

No.

I mean the lumps.

There.

I don't know.

You're the expert.

I'm going in.

Better clear the area.

Let's get out of here.

Sir, I'm going to do
a body cavity search.

I wouldn't if I was you.

It's procedure.

Officer down!

Officer down!

That's how it's done.

Sorry.

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa.

Oh, man.

Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap!

What's with him?

- Hey, it's Grimsley, you know?
- Gentlemen,

I've seen better horsemanship
on the merry-go-round.

I suggest you work on your game.

Otherwise, it's work

you'll be looking for.

Cheerio!

- Okay.
- Okay.

Any calls I should know about?

A man named Bodi.

Get him.

Yes, sir, Mr. Grimsley.

That's him.

No question.

I understand why you
put it on the grid.

But why did you let him go?

If you'd have smelled those feet,
you'd have let him go, too.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'm not surprised

this man's feet caused an incident.

They reek of fear.

But I will follow that...

They were on the 8:30
to Chicago O'Hare.

They did not get on that flight.

I can assure you of that.

Arthur Grimsley.

Oh, yes. Mr. Grimsley.

I trust everything is in order.

Uh, no, um,

everything is not in order.

I couldn't care less about details.

Just get her back!

Under no circumstances
must that woman appear in court.

Reach out for Wilford Duvall.

Look, if Bodi wasn't dirty,

I'd be on the no-fly list by now,

and that little ruckus
would've landed me in jail.

Chocolate praline?

We need to find out
who else is dirty.

Other than your mind?

Who was your prosecutor
on the case?

Mark somebody, I think.

- Mark somebody.
- Yeah.

Come, my precious,

I got you.

Dagnabbit.

Keep your seats, girls, I got it.

Clubhouse.

Hey, quit lighting farts
and listen to me.

Yo, Larry!

Put the smart one on.

Hey, Bo.

Larry wants to speak at ya.

- Yo.
- Do me a favor.

Go on that computer
and punch in the DOJ website.

"Dyno-mite Jugs?"

Department of Justice.

Here's what I need. I need the name

of the U. S. attorney,
Northern Illinois district

and the name of the first
and second chair.

Bean bag and Barcalounger.

Call me back.

What?

How is that possible?

I mean, even in Chicago.

Hang on.

Mark Bedell.

Yeah, Mark, listen.

Uh, this here is the deputy director
of, uh, operations,

uh, FBI Regionalized Field Office

in the, uh, South Central Division

here in the southern area
uh, of the South.

Uh, yes, sir.

Uh, just one moment, please.

I got the Bureau on the other line.

I'll call you back.

How can I help you, Director?

Oh, just call me Larry.

Uh, this is about
Operation Looker Cooker.

Uh, news travels fast, Larry.

Faster than Angelina Jolie
adopting jungle pygmies.

What news?

I thought you were calling...

Uh, never mind, it can wait.

Why did you call?

Well, just to tell you

that Special Agent Bodi
is no longer involved

in the protection of our key witness,

and that I have put myself
personally in charge.

What do you think of that?

I think it's better late than never.

The disk has vanished
from the evidence locker.

The disk has vanished
from the evidence locker?

The disk has vanished
from the evidence locker?

Yes.

You know what that means.

Uh, yes, I know exactly
what that means.

And that knowledge sits heavy,

heavier than Michael Moore
after a Las Vegas buffet.

Could be catastrophic.

And real bad, too.

Protect that witness, Larry.

Oh, you can count on me.

Her testimony is now
more vital than ever.

Hey, listen, Mark. From now on,

just so we can prevent
any more catastrophics,

I think you and I ought to speak

on a secure line, one-on-one.

Good idea, sir.

All right, I'm gonna call you back

- with some more particulars.
- Yes, sir.

10-4.

Ten...

Good-bye, Larry.

What disk?

Well done, Mr. Duvall.

So what about Madeleine?

Oh, Bodi fumbled the cow hide.

You mean pig skin, sir.

Don't correct my use of idiom.

Just secure my witness.

Roger that.

No, don't roger it.

- Sir?
- "Roger"...

is a British idiom for sexual intercourse.

I knew that.

I was just testing you.

Now you're testing my patience.

Get out.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Hearty.

They didn't have
any of that rabbit food you like to eat,

but I did get you some parsley
and some hot sauce.

Strangely,
my appetite has vanished.

Hey, traveling with you
is better than the South Beach Diet.

Oops.

Sorry.

I didn't know it was loaded.

Hey, let me see if I can do it again.

Try it.

And I'll tell them that you consider
facial hair an aphrodisiac.

If them fellers is African,

I'm watching the wrong
Discovery Channel.

Your attempts at humor are feeble,
juvenile, and bigoted.

A trifecta.

Let me ask you something.
If you ever laughed,

will that nullificate
your inheritance?

I laughed.

About those
flannel pajamas, I laughed a lot.

That wasn't fun laughter.

That was to scorn me,

to make me believe I'm beneath you...

when in fact, you're beneath me.

Or anyway, you could be
after four beers.

What inheritance?

A little garlic, some paprika,

genuine casing,

Dimkowski smoked sausage.

Unless I'm mistaken.

How long have you known?

Dimkowski of Chicago?

I mean, that's one
of America's favorite meats!

I grew up in a smokehouse.

Did your little boyfriends
try and kiss you

or lube you up with condiments?

I wouldn't eat another kielbasa
if it meant world peace.

Yeah, the missing disk
contains information

on the money Grimsley stole.

Oh, no, I'm starting
to understand what you say.

What else is on the disk?

Access codes to numbered
accounts in Sweden?

Switzerland, yeah.

And they're after you,
because the codes have codes,

and you have the key.

You are a surprising
individual, Larry.

That, however, was
entirely predictable.

Hey, don't tell anybody.

That ringtone is really
starting to grow on me.

Your secret's safe with me.

Hello.

Madeleine. Wilford Duvall here.

Wilford, this is a surprise.

You all right?

I can't imagine you're being concerned.

Who is it?

You'd be surprised.

Arthur's head of security.

- Give me the phone.
- No.

Who is that? Are you alone?

Uh, yes, I am alone for a minute.

Can you talk?

I'll do my talking on the witness stand.

Tell that to your boss.

He doesn't know
I'm reaching out for you.

Madeleine, let's talk, please.

- About what?
- Me keeping you alive,

and you keeping me
out of the penitentiary.

What kind of trouble are you in?

Arthur's panicking.

He wants to toss me overboard
and sail off into the sunset.

I'm going to need more information.

What kind of leverage
does he have on you, Wilford?

I don't want to say
any more on the phone.

Come on, Madeleine, it's me.

I'll call you back.

On my cell.

Bye.

Well, it does laugh.

Yes, when something's actually funny.

Well played.

Larry?

Yes, Madeleine?

You smell like my childhood.

Well, now who's gettin' romantic?

It's not a turn-on, remember?

Well, I'm spoken for.

Run the trace with NSA SatNet.

The call was made from here.

They're staying
off the interstates and toll roads.

Which is a complete waste of time

because wherever they
use their cell phones,

it's like sending up a flare.

And we're in a pancake house,

Barry Bonds takes steroids,

and the Pope wears a funny hat.

I'm going to kill you,
Agent Orange.

As soon as this is all over,

I'm going to kill you.

So just how well
do you know this Duvall feller?

Ex-military.

Very thorough.

I shook his hand once.

It was like being grabbed
by a steel lobster.

Ooh, what's going on?

Hey, it's a parade!

Lemonade? It's only 25 cents.

Larry, give me some money.

Here you go. Keep the change.

God bless you, ma'am.

God bless you.

Oh, thank you, gorgeous.
Thank you.

Lemonade.

Perfect.

Hey, what's your plan?

If Duvall's with us, let's find out.

If he's against us...

Let's find out.

Hey, we're a team.

T-double E-M.

I don't know, it's like Michael Jackson
trying to run a day care center.

- It don't make no sense.
- What?

A fella buyin' Pamprin. It just don't...

I comprehend the crude similes,

but what they're intended
to illustrate eludes me.

Look, if this Duvall
fella's on the up and up,

then how come he
contacted you personally

and not the FBI?

I mean, come on,
he's a military man.

These fellas gotta
go through channels.

Do you think
he's attempting subterfuge?

Plus he's trying to fool us.

Look, wait here.

Alone?

If I get killed or captured

or knocked in the head
with a ball peen-hammer, call Doc Savage.

On my two-way wrist TV?

That's Dick Tracy. Rondog Savage.

My brother-in-law.

He's the medical examiner
around this area.

Black sheep of the family.

He married my sister Bernice.

Boy, she is a big'un.

We went to the Daytona 500,

and she wore a Goodyear T-shirt,

and some pilot crawled up her ass
and tried to fly her.

Anyway...

Doc's in the book.
You get in trouble, call him.

He'll help you.

Who are you?

I'm Larry.

Man, my hand ain't been this sore
since the first episode of Baywatch.

Where's Madeleine?

Don't worry, she's safer
than Anna Cornucopia at a gay bar.

I'm her handler, and believe me,
she's a lot to handle.

What the hell'd you do that for?

I'm under a lot of stress.
I don't have time for bullshit.

Stress? Ha!

Try driving around
with Leona Helmsley for about two days

with crooked FBI agents
shooting at ya.

You didn't see me sucker-punchin' people
that are trying to help me.

What do you mean,
crooked FBI agents?

Hold on there,
Mr. Cage Deathmatch.

You called the meeting.

That's why I ask the questions.

Such as...

If you don't even know that Ricardo Bodi's
working with Arthur Grimsley,

how do you expect
to keep Madeleine alive?

I knew that. I was just testing you.

How can I trust you?

- Trust me?
- Yeah, trust ya.

Trust this.

Oh. That was a fear fart.

Sorry.

Go, go.

Go!

I'm in! Go! Go! Go!

What are we gonna do now?

Hell if I know.

Man, this sucks.

You know, I always
wanted to be a G-man.

Seems like the higher up I get,
the more crookeder it gets.

I know. That's what I found out
working for Arthur.

I am sick and tired of running for my life.

I thought that was your policy.

When folks is shootin' at me, run.

Who said this?

I'd rather get into
a hearse for my own funeral.

I did.

You know, the only way
to get them folks to back off

is if you give them
the key to the access codes.

Or if I'm dead.

Wait a minute. Sure, I can kill ya.

Then I'd have a lot
of explaining to do.

No, I don't mean really kill me.

Go, Wally.

Yup.

Well...

I'm gonna miss you, Cocoa Brown.

Been through a lot together.

You know all my secrets,

my moves.

I don't know how
I'm ever gonna replace you.

I'm gonna regret this.

Whoa.

Damn.

Man.

That was the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.

The truck was a piece of shit, Larry.

Yeah, well, maybe to you,
Miss Lamborganini.

Born with a silver
hotlink in your hoo-ha.

Have a little class.

You're lecturing me about class,

with your skid-mark underwear

and your family tree
out of Deliverance?

Look, having money ain't
the same thing thing as having class.

I mean, ain't you ever
had a prized possession?

One-eyed teddy bear

or a piece of glass
polished by the sea?

Of course not.

When you can buy everything,

sacrificing something
don't mean nothing.

I haven't even gotten
your malapropisms yet.

Malaprop... You liberals.

Oh, you got an "ism" for everything.

Stop being such a baby.

Okay, so you had to
give up your truck.

I have to trust my life to a backwoods
physician named Doc Savage.

Well, that's true,
but I also had to give up my possum.

Oh. Wally.

Stop it, you gonna make me cry.

I thought Botox was just for them
over-the-hill actresses.

It is.

In small doses,
it smoothes out wrinkles.

What about large doses?

It can be fatal.

What did you say?

What is that?

My wife.

Bernice, my sister.

Remember the one
I was telling you about.

Cute.

Oh, it's okay.
She's just taking a pee.

Now, this here
is my own special formula.

I call it Botox elite.

The trick is to use just the right amount
so that she look dead,

but that she can be revived
easily with the anec-a-dote.

Ronald! Ronald!

Oh, I'm coming, Bernice.

sometimes she needs
help with the, uh...

I really don't wanna know.

Thank you.

Get up here!

This may take a while.

Nitrous.

It's hot.

Hurry up. They're coming.

No.

Yes.

Hey, Larry! Larry! Get up!

You sure she's gonna come out of this?

Uh, pretty sure.

Say what?

Well, Botox ain't exactly
my field of expertise.

I've been working on
a fat dissolver for Bernice.

Welcome, gentlemen.

Would you care to sign
the guest register?

Oh, it won't be necessary.

We'd prefer to pay
our respects anonymously.

As you wish.

How did it happen?

Well, it was a vehicular mishap.

She hit the nitrous
switch instead of the cigarette lighter.

Was she alone?

There were no other bodies.

Where are her personal effects?

Uh, there are no personal effects
that I know of.

She sure looks good.

And so young.

Must be that joy juice
she always drank.

Not even a wrinkle.

Not even a worry line to be found.

Not even a scratch.

Let's make sure
she's really dead.

All right, you bastards.

Look what you've done!

She's dead. She's dead.

You want proof?

You want proof?
You want proof?

There!

How's that?

Dead enough?

Larry, control yourself.

My little innocent lamb.

What do you think?

He's nuts.

And monkeys throw shit at the zoo.

She was so young.

I need that key.

Forget the key. It's perfect.
Don't you see?

She's dead,
and we had nothing to do with it.

He's right.

With her dead, the key is worthless
without the disk.

The whole case will collapse.

Governor.

We were never here.

Who was never here?

Good man.

All right, let's bring her back now.

Okay.

This better work, or I'll tell Bernice

you've been hiding
the Ding-Dongs on her.

Oh, Jesus, Larry.
Don't even joke like that.

Sweet potato.

Come out of it.

It's Larry.

Talk to me!

Come out of it. This is Larry.

Speak to me, Madeleine.

Oh, that's not Christian.

That's for slapping me around.

That didn't hurt.

You hit like a girl.

Why can't we just call Mark Bedell?

Oh, yeah, that'll work.
He already lost the disk

and turned you over
to a bunch of crooked G-men.

I think we can do better than that.

But Larry, why go this way?

Because you're dead,
and I'm out of cash.

No.

No, absolutely not.

Aw, come on. This'll be fun.

I can't believe
I'm actually going to do this.

I'll go first.

Forget it, forget it.

Although you're certainly driving me
to the edge of suicide,

I'm not ready to actually jump.

Well, have it your way.

You okay?

We look like a couple chicken-fried steaks!

This is Chicago, huh?

Wow.

Yeah. Wow.

Boy, I sure wish Connie
was here to see this.

Who?

Connie, my girl.

The waitress.

Yeah.

Boy, she is all woman.

Well, here it is.

Look at this, "The winning team

"automatically gets invited
to the Summer Solstice Ball,

which is inside the mansion!"

When I win that game,
I'll be right in the belly of the beast.

Do you know how to play polo?

Well, no.

But I know horses, and I know balls.

- I mean, how hard could it be?
- Right.

I'm coming with you.

When Hillary bakes a batch
of cookies, you are.

Well, you can't do it alone, Larry.

Why? 'Cause I'm, as you say,
dumber than a barrel of hair?

Well, now that you mention it.

Look, you're dead.

They might get suspicious.

Oh, come on. I'll go incognito.

You got to wear underwear.

I mean, I'll wear a disguise.

You in disguise?
That ain't gonna happen.

What, you don't think I can pull it off?

Look, why don't you
leave the law enforcement

to the professionals?

Why don't you?

I'm sorry, Larry. I didn't mean that.

Hey, smell this.

What do you think you're doing?

This ain't the rodeo?

Here we go!

Hyah, now.

Oh, hey!

Velma Hanes, New Orleans.

- Morgana Grimsley.
- Oh!

Lilian Grimoire, Duchess of Darbish.

Enchant�.

Who is that?

That's my cousin Larry!

Aw, damn!

Here we go!

Damn.

Oh, one for the Queen!

You're playing dirty, Grimsley.

Piss off.

What the...

Real nice.

Polo, they call it.

Yep. Real civilized, like.

Yeah, to me it's more like
demolition derby with horses.

And that's how I'm gonna play.

Get off me.

Grimsley, get your stick off me.

There you go. Get the ball!

Grimsley.

Whoo-hoo! Larry!

- Whoo-hoo!
- No breeding.

Plenty of class, though.

All of it low!

You know, having class

ain't the same thing
as having money.

Get off me.

All right? Come on.

Hey!

Yes!

Well played, for a hillbilly.

Hey, I won.

That means I get to go
to your big hoedown tonight.

- In your dreams.
- No,

I dream about
getting a nut rub

from Scarlett Johansson.

That ain't gonna happen.

Nor will you be
attending the ball.

Not even if I have the key to get in?

Darling,

don't get too close
to this diseased rabble.

Oh, beaten by a farmhand.

Pathetic!

Come now, ladies, let's be gracious.

Larry was victorious today.

Therefore, we will have
the pleasure of his company

tonight at the ball.

What the hell are you doing here?

You're gonna blow everything.

No, I told you I could pull it off.

Just shut up and act natural.

So it's a date, then, tonight.

Yeah, will do it. Thank you.

Oh, I need a drink.

He is falling right into my trap.

That girl looks familiar.

No.

She just has
one of those familiar... asses.

Man, I hate wearing
these uppity clothes.

Hoo, boy! Don't you look finer
than box seats at the Monster Truck?

And you clean up pretty nice...

yourself.

Well, we all have our assets.

You know, I really don't think
you ought to come.

Yeah, well, somebody's got
to distract Grimsley

while you're looking for the disk.

Yeah, but it could be dangerous.

Unlike being chased, shot at,
and jumping off bridges?

Larry, you and I,

we're a team.

T-double E-M, "teem."

Let me get my hat.

You're gonna love this.

I don't like it.

Maybe I won't wear a hat.

There's a lot of people not...

- Now that I like.
- Better.

- Let's go do some good.
- Yes.

Team activate.

One last question.

Where's the key?

Welcome, Larry!

Oh, Miss Hanes,
you look ravishing tonight.

Thank you.

Tell you what, your decorators
must've been busier

than a blow-up doll at a frat party.

Boy, tell you what,

that beef jerky
and marmalade ain't sittin' too good.

Hey, you got a crapper?

I gotta go pinch out a grumpy.

Oh, down the hallway,
second to the left.

Hope it's got a plunger.

Let's adjourn to the ballroom,

shall we?

May I?

Don't touch a thing, Doughboy.

This stuff is priceless.

I want that disk.

I want that key.

Why don't you come and get it?

Crouching tiger.

Winded walrus.

May I have this dance?

Yes!

Madeleine.

Let me shake your hand.

I'm gonna shove that BlackBerry
up where it's gonna be a BrownBerry.

Good save.

Good save.

How long have you known?

I suspected from the start.

But I wasn't sure
until I got close enough to smell you.

Funny, all I smell
is the stench of your corruption.

Oh, you used to love my smell.

That was before you dumped me.

Oh, that was a horrible mistake.

You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Do come back, Madeleine.

I've changed, Arthur.

I have to do the right thing.

Then do the right thing.

You can say anything
you want on the stand.

I have the disk.

And without physical evidence,

no jury in Cook County
will take your word over mine.

I have the key.

Oh, do give it to me,
and I will give you half of everything.

Forget it.

Oh, whoa!

Hold on, hold on.

Is this really 4th century?

Yes, it is. Roman.

Why, it's a beautiful piece.

Where's that disk?

Go to hell.

Is that your final answer?

If you won't talk, maybe this will.

Complicated, huh?

No way.

That is cool.

Bingo.

Well, we can have a shoot-out.

And I surely will die.

But so will you.

Make me an offer.

Why don't you come back
from the dark side?

Help me put Grimsley in the big house,

and I'll tell everybody
you and I was in this together.

The dark side's more fun.

So is shooting out a window
with a potato gun.

I've got a better idea, Larry.

Wait in the car.

You let me go,

clear out the safe,

say there wasn't nothin' in it.

I can do all that after I kill you.

Yeah, but my way's better.

That way, nobody
hears the gunshots,

and you ain't got to worry about

disposing of a two hundred and six...

eighteen-pound law man.

Deal...

or no deal?

Would you like to call a friend?

- Wrong show.
- No, it ain't. Regis host...

Never mind.

Deal?

Yeah.

Good luck to you.

- Take care of yourself, Larry.
- I'll do it.

Hey, Enron,

you trying to diddle my cousin?

Get lost, white trash.

Who you calling white trash,
you phony sack of shit?

Get out,

or I'll break Madeleine's
pretty little neck.

Go ahead, I got a whole
passel of cousins.

Did you say Madeleine?

He knows, Larry.

Does he know the lighter's the key, too?

He does now.

Oh, damn.

Now I'm madder than
a two-fingered cripple

trying to return a text message.

Let's go to the swap meet.

What do you want?

The key?

Or the girl?

That's a tough question.

Larry!

I'll take the lady.

Oh, you're not as stupid as you look.

Larry.

I'm impressed.
You chose me over your duty.

Well,

not really.

What did you give Arthur?

Don't tell my heart

My achy breaky heart

I just don't think he'd understand

And if you tell my heart

My achy breaky heart

I might blow up and kill this man

- Here they come!
- There they are!

- Good job, Larry.
- Thanks.

Hey, but Grimsley has the key.

No problem, we got a copy.

We kept it separate
from the evidence locker.

Well, I guess
you wouldn't fall in a barrel of titties

and come out sucking your thumb.

Mr. Grimsley, do you have a statement?

How do you feel about Madeleine
turning her back on you?

Larry,

you're better than any FBI agent
I've ever worked with.

Why not make it official?

I appreciate the offer, Mark.

Once upon a time,
I'd have took you up on that.

Nope, I'm just
a small-town boy at heart.

Good luck then, Larry.

Thank you. Madeleine?

- In a minute.
- Okay.

Well?

You sure you don't
want to stick around?

No, I did my job.

Tell you what, I'm gonna miss
that pond sludge of yours.

I'm gonna miss your bodily functions.

Really?

No!

Bye, Larry.

I'll see you around,

Longshanks.

I would've retired years ago

but I didn't think you could handle the job.

But I was wrong.

Thanks, Sheriff.

Ex-Sheriff.

Not so fast, boys.

Thanks, Con.

I didn't think I'd ever see you again,
except maybe on Cops.

Well, guess I had to take
the long way around

to figure out what I really wanted
was just to be with you.

Subtitles by LeapinLar