All language subtitles for Cheaper.by.the.Dozen.2.2005.WEBRip.iTunes

(funky bass line plays)

(full band plays lively funk music)

(brakes squeak)

TOM: Okay, pile on out.
Pile on out. Let's go.

(kids playfully shouting)

KATE: They say that starting
a family is an act of optimism.

Well, Tom and I were clearly

very, very, very optimistic.

Of course, there are always
good times and difficult ones

along the way,
and with 12 kids,

you learn a lot of lessons.

But the one that you never
get used to is that moment

when you look your child
in the eye and find yourself

having to say the most
difficult word of all:

Good-bye.

TOM: Come on, everybody.
Stay together.

Come on, stay together.

(indistinct conversations)

WOMAN: Richard Andrews.

MAN: Maurice Angel.

Oh, there she is!

WOMAN: Sergio Archer.

-She's right there.
-MAN: Kimberly Arman.

-Excuse me. Sorry.
-Robert Armstrong.

MAN: Peter Bailey.

Hi.

Lorraine Baker.

(cheering, whooping)

Yay, Lorraine!

(whooping)

(cheering)

Congratulations.

(cheering)

(band playing funky melody)

-He's really gotten good.
-Yeah.

(laughing)

Oh, my gosh.
Kicking, kicking.

(groaning)

(spitting)

(song ends)

TOM: All right, all right...

It is time to toast
the graduate.

(cheering and applause)

Lorraine,

we are all so proud of you...

for keeping your chin up
and charging the mountain.

(cheering and applause)

And for being a truly unique
and wonderful person.

And for getting that internship
at Allure magazine.

Did you know about that?

-(giggles)
-TOM: Yes.

TOM: Even though I'm going to
spend the entire summer

trying to convince you
that staying here in Chicago

is a much better choice
for your future

than moving to dirty, expensive,
crime-ridden New York City,

but here's to Lorraine!

(cheering and applause)

Okay, uh, my daughter Nora,

and her husband Bud, you
want to say something?

And our future
linebacker.

-Do we stay up here?
-Nope, we go. Let's go.

(feedback whines)

Uh, first of all,
congratulations, Lorraine.

Bud and I hope that
our baby will be

as cool and
accomplished as you.

And second of all,
I don't mean to make

this toast all
about Bud and I,

but we have some
kind of big news.

You know about this?

I've, um, just been offered
the vice-presidency

of a new advertising firm.

(cheering and applause)

Hey, congratulations. Yes!

In Houston.

Oh.

We're moving in September.
Thank you.

Come on.

Great. Oh, wow.

(funk music playing)

Does this mean we're not
gonna be uncles anymore?

You're gonna be uncles
no matter where we live.

Maybe they thought it was
the best way to break it to us.

-Still, quite a surprise.
-I'll say.

Can I get a beer
and a white wine?

-Hey, you guys.
-BOTH: Hey.

I feel like I'm losing
two daughters in one day.

You're not
losing us, Dad.

Well, I hope you have
some help lined up,

because, you know,
with no family there,

and you being
a first-time mom and,

Bud, you know, you're gonna be
at work all day, you're gonna...

No, I'm not gonna be
at work all the time.

We're gonna be fine.

And whatever
house we get

is gonna have a room
reserved for you guys in it.

Okay, well, at least
you're gonna stay

for the touch
football game.

We can't.
We have Lamaze.

Well, this'll help
your breathing.

-Thanks.
-We're gonna see you soon.

-Okay, bye.
-You're driving, right?

-Mm-hmm.
-All right.

Thanks. Hey. See you.

-Bye, sweetheart.
-See you.

-Bye.
-Here you go, sir.

Thank you.

That's...

They seem so casual
and cavalier.

Well, time for me
to get my hands dirty.

What, you're working?
What about the game?

It's a rematch against
the cousins, come on.

I got student loans
to pay off, Dad.

-Okay, see you.
-All right.

-Be safe, honey.
-Did everybody forget

that touch football is
a time-honored tradition

-here at the Baker family events?
-Honey...

you got ten other kids
to draft.

Huh, I forgot.

-You forgot?
-Lorraine. Yeah.

You're staying for
the game, right?

Oh, no. Didn't Mom
tell you that

I'm spending the
weekend at Beth's?

I'm leaving in,
like, five minutes.

-Oh... Okay. Bye.
-Bye. Love you.

Hey, guys.
Ready for some touch?

Mike and me are competing
at the skate park.

And I volunteer
at the animal shelter.

Bye, Dad.

Hey!

-(grunting)
-Nigel. Kyle. Football.

-(playfully growls)
-Blech.

-Oh, right.
-Ow, you hurt my eye.

I'm here, Coach.

You just made the varsity,
little lady.

(laughs)

Come on. There you go.

Yeah. Good. Go.
I'll block for you.

-Here we go. Go. Go. Good.
-GIRLS: Athletes.

-KATE: You okay?
-Oh, yeah.

Somehow I thought
it'd get easier.

Ten minutes ago,
they were all over us,

now they don't want to be
seen with us in public.

What's that doing here?

I bet Lorraine was
looking through this.

Oh, that's sweet.

Mm...

-Oh, gosh...
-Cutest...

-Look at her.
-Mm...

She looks just like my mom.

A lot of memories.

All those summers
in Wisconsin.

Swimming, all of us
camping out.

Everyone together.

-Yeah.
-That's sweet.

That had to be the last
time we were there.

What was that,
three, four years ago?

Yeah. Look at Sarah.
No teeth.

We were one tight unit
back then.

Even if we never did
beat the Murtaughs

for the Labor Day Cup.

Lookit--

Jimmy Murtaugh--
Mr. Competitive.

He was so desperate to win

he would, you know, he would,
you know, he would win.

All the time, even
when we were kids.

This guy was like a...

All right, honey,
let's not go there.

-Oh...
-You know what?

That's exactly what
we should do.

What?

Go back to the lake.

The whole family on vacation,
just like we used to.

I could call Mike Romanow

and see if the house
is available over Labor Day.

Oh, honey,
it's such a great idea,

but the kids are enrolled in summer
school, and Nora's pregnant, it's...

That's exactly why
we should do it, Kate.

We said it: life's blazing by.

Let's go back to the lake
one last time.

Mm... we did have such good
times there, huh, honey?

And you and I had alone
time, which was nice.

-There's the proof.
- Mhmm.

-Hey, Gunner. Gunner-Gunner.
-Hey, Gunner.

Let's call
Mike Romanow, honey.

Okay, Charlie. You're conferenced in
with all of us and Lorraine.

-ALL: Hi, Charlie.
-Hey, guys, what's up?

-Yeah, I'm here. It's Lorraine.
-We've got a surprise.

Your mom and I rented the big
house up in Lake Winnetka.

Winnetka?
That's my middle name.

And Lake is mine.

And it's where
we're gonna spend Labor Day,

-just like in the old days.
-Huh?

(groans)

Dad, I'm gonna be
very pregnant then.

Yeah, and I'm gonna be apartment hunting
in New York in August.

And I want to hang out with
my friends this summer, dude.

How come Nigel and me are
named after a house?

Good question.
Your middle name is Winnetka,

and Nigel, your middle name is Lake,

because you two were conceived
in that house.

-What does "conceived" mean?
-It means Mom and Dad...

Had a conversation that we would discuss

it much later when everybody
can understand it.

Kyle and me will go anyplace
that has our name on it.

-Bingo! Come on.
-Yeah, well I love the lake, I'm in.

-Whoa!
-I guess I can cancel a couple of gigs.

-Bingo!
-Okay. Okay, we're in.

-All right.
-BOTH: We agree to participate.

Whoo!

Come on, dudes. We'll bring the
wakeboards.

-We'll totally dominate.
-Okay, we're in.

All right.

And that leaves Lorraine.

-Come on, you'll have fun.
-Come on Lorraine!

-We promise.
-Just come.

All right, you guys,
here's the deal.

I'll go to the lake if Dad

stops nagging me about not going
to New York anymore.

Deal. That's a dozen.
We're going to the lake.

♪ What if we
could stay like this? ♪

♪ Sun coming down
Everything's perfect ♪

♪ What if we never miss ♪

♪ Another day
that time forgets ♪

♪ What if we
What if we stay like this? ♪

-KYLE: Who cut the cheese?
-Gunner farted.

-Gunner's laying on me.
-Yeah.

LORRAINE: So Charlie and I are
gonna drive up tomorrow, okay?

Uh-huh.

-LORRAINE: I love you.
-You missed.

I love you, too. Bye. Lorraine's
got a line on a place,

so she and Charlie will come up
in a couple days and join us.

-How great is that?
-A couple of days?

The whole point of the vacation
is the whole family's together.

-Hey!
-KATE: Honey, relax.

TOM: All right. Remember this?
Look at the lake.

-It looks fantastic, huh?
-KATE: Wow.

-TOM: Does it look great or what?
-KATE: Come on, kids.

-All right, let's all get out.
-Let's go. Come on.

(overlapping conversations)

It's a dump. Look at it!

-This is it?
-Remember this?

It looks smaller.

And more disgusting.

Yeah, why can't we
rent that place?

Oh, well, that,
that place is new.

This place is...

Older, but still nice.

Yeah, and that might
have a water slide,

but, but, uh, our place
has, uh...

There are stairs
that are fun.

Yeah, so, unload,
camper dudes!

Girls in the north bunk room,
boys in the south.

-Bud and Nora in the loft! Come on!
-KATE: Wow, careful.

Hey, Bud, give the phone
a rest. We're on vacation.

Hey, how'd Mad Dog
like the trip?

Maybe the baby's not gonna
be a Mad Dog, Tom.

Well, that's a classic
linebacker name.

Okay, okay, how 'bout,
uh, Dick Butkus McNulty?

Well, maybe it's gonna
be a girl, Dad.

-(horn honking)
-Donna Butkus McNulty.

Hey, we got the whole vacation
to figure out a name.

-KIM: Hey, Dad, someone's here.
-Hey, Mike Romanow.

-Good to see ya.
-Good to see you.

So, you're finding
everything okay?

Shouldn't be too
disorganized.

Only two renters
this season.

The lake's a lot more
upscale now.

You can thank Jimmy Murtaugh
for that one.

-Remember him?
-Yeah.

He owns most
of the lake now.

That's his place
over there.

TOM: Oh, well... good for Jimmy.

Hey, remember Kate?

Oh, hey, Mike.
How are you?

-Good to see ya.
-Good to see you.

So, listen, if you folks
don't feel like cooking tonight,

there's a big clambake
up at the Lake Club,

-you can come as my guests.
-Guests?

Oh, yeah,
club's private now.

And renovated.
Whoo-hoo.

Homeowners only.

-Wow.
-Put you on the list?

-Okay.
-(screaming)

-What's going on?
-Stop.

-ALL: Shh!
-The Chiseler.

Tell me those aren't my keys.

KATE: Get him outside, okay?

I remember
how to handle this guy.

I can't believe he's still alive.

You know that thing?

Hey...

Don't-Don't hurt him.

-I got him. I got him.
-Nice and easy.

It's a snap. Here you go.
Hold still.

Yeah.

-Yah!
-(dog barking)

BOTH (shrieking)

-Get him!
-Leave him alone!

-Oh, no!
-KIM: Gunner!

-Gunner, stay!
-Stay, Gunner!

Get him!

ALL: (shouting)

-JESSICA: Mom, watch out!
-Oh, icky, icky...

-(grunts)
-(shrieking)

(shouting)

-HENRY: Don't light the fireworks.
-No, don't light it!

(shouting)

No explosives in the house!

(shouting) Nigel! Kyle!

-ALL: (screaming)
-GUNNER (barking)

-(shrieking)
-Gunner, come back!

(shouting)

(sniffing)

NIGEL: What was that beast?

The Chiseler? He's a pack rat.
He steals stuff and hides it in his hole.

-I'll get a trap in the morning.
-A humane trap, right, Dad?

Absolutely.
Hey, you know what?

We got a fantastic
first day going here.

So let's clean up
and unpack,

'cause we got a clambake
to go to!

Clambake! Huh?

Hey, here we go.
What is all this stuff?

-I'm going as fast as I can.
-All right, come on.

Remind me to put more sugar
in your diets, get you moving.

Oh, my gosh. Honey, you
actually bought that shirt?

Hey, every dad is entitled to one
hideous shirt and one horrible sweater.

-It's part of the Dad Code.
-(chuckles)

Mark, you're on fireworks detail.

-Okay.
-What's all that?

-Uh, nothing.
-Uh-huh.

Seat belts.

TOM: Okay, kids,
you know the rules.

I'm underdressed.

I thought this was
supposed to be a clambake.

Excuse me,
I'll be right back.

Hey, guys, so glad
you could come.

-Hi, Mike.
-Good to see you.

So, listen, kids,
food's downstairs.

-I'm hungry. Let's go eat!
-Mom, Dad, the bar's right over there.

-Have a great time.
-Best behavior.

All right, stick together.
You'll keep an eye... Of course.

-Food.
-See you later.

-(playing softly)
-(man snoring)

-Lloyd, how are you?
-Good to see you, Jimmy.

(gasps)
There's Jimmy Murtaugh.

Just engage me in conversation.

-Just look...
-We are talking.

I know, but more intense,
so he won't come up.

-(laughing)
-Ah-ah...

-Okay, honey.
-Hide your face. Hide your face.

Well, that's
a little obvious.

Look at that.
Look at... Oh, God.

-You just got to turn. Turn, turn, turn.
-Tom.

Oh, my goodness.

Look what the wind
blew in, huh?

-Hey!
-Jimmy!

(laughing)

Tom. Look at you.

How are you?

-You're looking good.
-Hi.

Little wrinkled
around the edges there,

but, uh, not bad
for an old man, huh?

-And, uh, you...
-Kate.

-Kate.
-Uh-huh.

Still looking very hot
for a mother of 12.

Oh, thank you.

What brings you guys back to
my lake, huh?

Your lake?
Your lake now?

Well, you know, I just have
to buy, uh, Romanow's place

and one or two other properties

and, uh, then I keep the riffraff
like you out of here, huh?

(laughing)

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Tom and Kate, this
is Sarina, my new bride.

-Hi, nice to meet you Sarina.
-Nice to meet you.

Hi, nice to meet you.

This is the parents of that,
uh, family of pranksters

-I was telling you about.
-Jimmy's always been jealous

'cause we have 12 kids
and he only has eight.

It's kind of
a manhood thing.

Well, your 12 never beat
my eight for the Cup,

now did they, Tom?

Well, no, no, they didn't.

Is that why you
came back, huh?

No.

Trying to knock my family
off the wall, huh?

No, we actually just
came for a vacation.

Come on. Buy me a drink.

-Buy you a drink? Mr. Lake.
-I could use one.

Jake Baker?

Eliot Murtaugh.

No way. Dude,
it's Eliot Murtaugh.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-That's Mike.
-Hey, Mike.

That's such a cool stick.

Can you bang any tricks?

Yeah. Check it.

Awesome.

I'll have clams, please.

Oh, sorry, there's no clams.

But we have some clam fritters.

So this clambake is clam-less?

Then why not just
call it a buffet?

You know, sometimes I feel
like a stranger on this planet.

I couldn't agree with you more.

JIMMY: So, Tom,
I read a while back

you quit the head coaching gig
at Illinois Poly.

What was that all about?

Well, that job was
taking up a lot of hours,

and I wanted to spend
more time with the family.

-Kudos!
-Thank you.

That's my word for the day.

Oh, how fun-- it's
fun to have a word.

So, Katy, I guess with Tom
at home changing diapers,

you're kind of, uh,
tearing up the bestseller list.

Oh, well,
I only had the one book,

-but I would love to...
-Excuse me.

-Waiter.
-Yes, sir?

Another scotch,
por favor?

-Anybody else?
-I'm fine.

Hey, what about Charlie?
Still playing ball?

No, he's living downtown,
and he's working in a garage

to help pay for tuition to
the University of Chicago.

I did a guest spot
on Monster Garage

back when I was acting,
and I just love

the whole engine and cars thing.

So, you're an actress.
That's-that's great.

Oh, thank you, Tom.

You're welcome, Sarina.

Kudos.

How long have you two
been married?

Six amazing months.

-Oh...
-Right, honey?

-Yeah.
-Happy anniversary.

Hey, there's Mike,
Jake and Sarah.

They compete in skating
contests on a regular basis.

-See ya! (laughs)
-Hey! Sarah!

JIMMY: Well, that's good.

Got to start
with the small steps

-before you take the big ones.
-Yeah.

BOY: Mark Baker?

MARK: Kenny the Maniac!

Well, if it isn't
my partner in crime.

You're gonna get
in trouble, Murtaugh.

Only if I get caught, Baker.

Come here. I want
to show you something.

MARK: Please don't get me in
trouble like you did last time.

KENNY: You worry too much.

And how are your kids?

Well, I've got three
at a private school

for gifted children in Lake Forest.

Two at Andover, one at Exeter.

Calvin's at Yale finishing
up a field study

in particle physics-- generating
a lot of interest there.

Eliot was featured in
Sports Illustrated.

Just won the snowboarding
junior nationals.

-Slope style.
-Well, that was no surprise.

But I got to say,
Anne's still my superstar.

When she finishes Harvard
after getting her MBA,

she's gonna come work for me
at Murtaugh Enterprises.

She is definitely corporate material.

BOTH (sniffing)

Something reeks.

-(gasps)
-Whoa...

(people gasping, yelling)

(yells)

Down! Make way!

(gasps, grunts)

Watch out! Get down!

Watch out!

(popping)

Look out! She's gonna blow!

(explosion)

(whistling)

(whistling continues)

Whoa!

(gasping)

Cool!

KATE: Okay, listen, mister,
accident or not,

you're gonna be taking
the garbage out for a month

or something you don't
want to do for 30 days.

So sit down. Please.

Everyone, quiet, for me.

Parenting comes down
to one word, Tom: "push."

If you don't push,
they don't do anything.

Well, I think it's a little more
complicated than that.

Oh. Is it.

Most of them went through
periods in their life

when they worried about
making their car payments.

-OTHERS: Ooh...
-NIGEL: Hey, gotcha!

Ah, yeah!

(whispers)
Hey,Nigel! Leave Kyle's pants alone!

(stammers, yells)

Look, no one was hurt.
It's fine.

In fact, why don't you and your family
come over to the Boulders sometime?

-The Boulders?
-Yeah, our cottage.

We would love to do that,
you know, sometime, in the future...

Hey, kids?

Why don't you leave
the fireworks at home.

You're all welcome
at our place anytime.

We've got Sea-Doos, lasers,
wireless Internet,

plasma-screen satellite TVs,

all the toys and whistles.

-(all talking excitedly)
-TOM: Hey, you know what,

actually, we're here for
quality time with the kids.

KATE: Yeah.

And, come on, kids,
it's time to go.

-We've done enough damage here.
-Up and at 'em.

So we'll probably see you
on the lake or something.

-Oh, sure, another time.
-Nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you, too.

JIMMY: Good seeing you
again, Tom.

-You, too, uh...
-Bye.

Kate.

Kate.

Whoo-hoo!

JIMMY: Boy, you know,
when we were kids,

I used to be so envious
of Tom Baker.

He just had it all.

Well, I guess the Gucci loafer's
on the other foot now, isn't it?

KATE: Everyone straight to bed.

What a moron.

Honey, he's our son.

Not Mark, he's a kid.
Murtaugh.

"Seems like you could
use the word 'push.'"

KATE: Well, next time we see him,
let's just agree to completely ignore him.

TOM: There's not gonna
be a next time.

Oh, I don't know if the kids
will agree with that.

You think that water
slide can compete

with the tire swing
I'm gonna put up?

(scoffs)

TOM: Rise and shine!
Daylight's burning!

It is breakfast
at the Bakers, day one!

-Let's go!
-KATE: Come on, sleepyheads.

Is there a particular reason

-that we're eating breakfast outside?
-Yes.

'Cause it's a beautiful day
here at Lake Winnetka.

-(horn honks)
-KATE: It's vacation, sweetheart.

Hey, guys!

Hey, there's the rest of the clan!
Come on!

Hey, guys!
Hey, guys, look! Come on!

Hey! Welcome to
the land o' plenty!

Still smells the same here.

Like dead leaves
and unwashed animals

and murky lake water.

That's called fresh air,
sweetheart.

-Oh, watch the hat, Dad.
-Sorry.

-Hey, you guys!
-Come on. Let's go eat!

Uh, guys,
we're gonna need a forklift

to get Lorraine's suitcase
out of here.

What, have I been here
30 seconds,

and you're already
making fun of me?

-(thud)
-Yeah, that was my foot.

(exasperated groan)

SARAH: Is that suitcase
just for makeup?

LORRAINE: Whatever, Butch.

Okay, big breakfast,
everybody,

so you have enough room
for family activities.

Family activities?

TOM: Absolutely-- apple shmear,

fishing off the dock
for big daddy,

hanging up the tire swing,
getting out the diving board.

-I was gonna go boating with Eliot.
-And Kenneth has video games.

Jessica and I were gonna use the
Murtaughs' Internet hookup,

so that we could research
for the Academic Decathlon.

Precisely. We need the extra hours.

Well, you got all-all vacation
to go over to that... place.

Well, we have all vacation to
do the family activities, too.

Well, Sarah,
hey, what about you?

You want to hang out
with Dad today?

Um... actually, I was gonna
go boarding with Jake.

A-And Eliot.

Well, you know, I guess we could
do lake stuff another day.

Here we go. Scones.

Henry. Jake.

All right, don't...

Ah. Leave it there.
The dog'll get it.

GUNNER (barks)

♪ Someday ♪

♪ When my life has
passed me by ♪

♪ I'll lay around
and wonder why ♪

♪ You were always
there for me ♪

-Whoa!
-(barks)

(whimpers)

(gasps)

(loudly): Did you
nail down an apartment?

Um, I'm just waiting to hear.

You know, I'll bet you could get a
place in Chicago for half the rent.

Dad... I thought we made a deal.

(coughs):
That dock needs work.

Ugh!

(Sea-Doos zooming)

(shouting excitedly)

Oh. Where you going?

I'm going to the hardware store.
I'm gonna fix this place up.

You got a crazy look in your eye.
What are you gonna get there?

Tools!

(upbeat pop intro playing)

(gasps)

♪ Express yourself ♪

(drill whirring)

♪ Express yourself ♪

♪ You don't ever need help ♪

♪ From nobody else ♪

♪'Cause all you got
to do, now, ha ♪

Honey?

♪ Is express yourself ♪

Okay, do not stand up.
Do you hear me?

NIGEL: Dad! Dad!

♪ Whatever you do ♪

-NIGEL: Dad...
-KYLE: Dad?

♪ Do it good, ha ♪

Hey, kids, tire swing ready!
(whoops)

♪ Whatever you do,
do, do, do, do ♪

Tire swing not ready!

♪ Do it good ♪

♪ All right ♪

(all gasp)

♪ But it's not
what you look like ♪

♪ When you're doing
what you're doing ♪

♪ But what you're doing
when you're doing ♪

♪ What you look like
you're doing ♪

♪ Express yourself ♪

♪ Express yourself ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ They're doing it
on the moon, y'all ♪

♪ And in the jungle, too... ♪

-And the trampoline!
-The trampoline...

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, get bored over
at the Murtaughs?

No. It was cool. We're going
back after study time.

Hey, you guys are making time
for your studies.

I'm really proud of you.

Not us, Dad. Them.

Mr. Murtaugh forces
all of the kids

to read and write two hours
every single day.

Lame, I know.

Who are these guys?

What?

There's no way
I'm camping out.

Oh, yes, honey, you can do it
one night for Daddy.

-Come on. Right?
-This doesn't sit well with me.

I know what you mean.

KIM: Lorraine,
are you serious?

JESSICA: What is she doing?
Is she kidding?

That's not gonna fit
in your tent, Lorraine.

Oh, I'm gonna make it fit, Dad.

(grunting)

(exhales)

Hey, come on. Making s'mores.

-S'mores!
-I'll help you.

Oh, actually, we're trying
to eat only organic food.

Right? Here.

We're trying to eat
only organic food.

-Is that for the baby?
-Yeah.

Come on, baby'll love a s'more
party in your tummy. Let's go.

Cool! The Bakers are
having a camp-out.

Can I go over?

Why have a camp-out
when you can have

a full-on fondue party
right here, huh?

-Sweet.
-Yeah. (chuckles)

(indistinct conversation)

(conversation quiets)

(laughs)

Babe... that's
your fourth s'more.

My parents never
let me have these.

They're amazing!

(laughter)

Do you ever think we should
be more strict with the kids?

KATE: No, honey,
we give them love and

guidance, and that's, you know,
what else is there, really?

Yeah, but every time
we turn around,

they're either in trouble,
about to get into trouble

or laying out a long-term
plan to create trouble.

Dad, how come those guys
know how to camp so good?

(cheering)

Hey, hey, what if we
sing a camp song, huh?

KIDS (agreeing)

♪ There once was a man
named Michael Finnegan ♪

♪ He had some whiskers
on his chin-egan ♪

♪ The wind blew them off
and they grew in again ♪

♪ Poor old Michael Finnegan
Begin again ♪

♪ There once was a man named
Michael Finnegan

♪ He had whiskers
on his chin-egan ♪

What do you say we give 'em
a run for their money, huh?

♪ Finnegan, begin again,
There once was man... ♪

(in distance):
♪ Circle being broken ♪

♪ By and by, Lord ♪

♪ By and by ♪

("Michael Finnegan" continues)
♪ There's a better ♪

-♪ Home a-waiting ♪
-♪ On his chin-egan... ♪

(both songs continue)

TOM: Stand up!

♪ There once was a man
named Michael Finnegan ♪

♪ He had some whiskers
on his chin-egan ♪

(both songs continue)

♪ Poor old Michael Finnegan
Begin again ♪

(jazzy):
♪ My Lord, by and by ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, well ♪

-♪ There's a better ♪
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪

-♪ Home a-waiting ♪
-♪ Home a-waiting ♪

♪ In the sky, Lord, in the sky ♪

This guy is so competitive!

♪ There once was a man
named Michael Finnegan ♪

(both songs continue)

(groans)

Oh, boy, I love camping.

(quietly): Yeah, this is fun.

(coughs)

Good times, good times.

Good times, yeah.
(groans)

Hey, kids, didn't you love

blowing Murtaugh off
the lake last night, huh?

Kids? Huh?

Uh, honey...

they're all in the house.

-Nah.
-Yeah.

Nah. Hey.

Hello?

You happy?

They can't spend
one night in the tent?

JIMMY: Hey, Tom!

Now, what does
that show-off want?

Oh, what a day! Hey, Tom.

Boy, you have got
this place looking...

Anyway, I see the, uh...

troops are sleeping in.

Oh, no,
they're already up.

They're, uh, they're out cutting
wood and, uh, making biscuits

and, uh, blazing a new trail
out back.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Yeah. Really impressive.

Listen, the missus
and I are thinking

of putting on a little
spread today, okay?

Now, since the kids are
getting along so well,

why don't you
and the, uh, gang

come over to The
Boulders for brunch?

-Oh, you know, actually, we have to...
-Cool! What time?

Mimosas at noon, on the dot.

-Yeah!
-ALL (cheer)

("Why Can't We
Be Friends" playing)

That-a-girl!

Take it away, honey.

♪ Do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do ♪

Whoa!

♪ Do, do, do ♪

Adios, amigo!

Isn't he, like,
the coolest dad ever?

Oh, yeah, cool.

You guys, we're here!

♪ Why can't we be friends ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends ♪

Whoa! Dude!

♪ Why can't we be friends ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends ♪

Awesome, dude!

♪ I seen ya around
for a long, long time ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

KATE: Kids, we stay right here.
Over here.

♪ Why can't we... ♪

Welcome to The Boulders!

Uh-huh.

-Hey, come on and say hello.
-Hi!

-Hey. Thanks for having us.
-Hey, Tom.

Where's the gift shop?
(chuckles)

Oh-ho, you brought your dog!

-Oh! Oh!
-KATE: Sorry. Yeah, you just say sit.

-Down, down.
-Whoa! (laughing)

-JIMMY: Tom! Baker!
-Whoo!

Don't look!

Okay! Cut it out!

(excited chatter)

-I'm fine. I'm fine.
-Sorry.

It's called obedience
school, Baker!

-Are you all right, honey?
-I'm fine.

How about tying him up
for five minutes?

Honey, he's fine.
Just let him play.

Honey, we don't want that
animal near the dining set.

It was a gift from
the King of Thailand.

Mark, there's a leash
in the car, get it.

Why don't we all
go inside?

Good idea, honey.

-Everybody inside.
-I'll be right back.

Sarah.

You want to go on the Sea-Doo
with me and Jake before we eat?

Yeah. Sure.

Cool. Let's go.

Y-You coming or not, dude?

Yeah. (hawks, spits)

Jimmy... almost forgot.

Oh, Tom, for heaven's sake,
you didn't have to do this.

"Sparkling Cheesehead"?

-Wisconsin's finest bubbly.
-Oh, I'm sure it is.

Might have to let this baby
age about 200, 300 years, Tom.

(both chuckling)

Superstar, do me a favor,
take this down to the cellar

and bring us up a nice
bottle of Taittinger.

-Sure.
-I'll give you a hand.

It's a fantastic place.

Oh, it's not much, but
I call it a second home.

SARINA: How come you guys haven't
built your own house up here?

Oh, well, with 12 kids,
you know,

you got to use the money
for... food and water.

I bet if Tom had kept that job
at Illinois Poly,

he could've built
a place like this.

Oh, well,
life's full of choices,

some good, some...
not so good.

Honey, why don't you take Kate
and show her the, uh,

dining set that the
King of Thailand gave us.

Okay, honey.

Oh, love to look at
the plates from a king.

Don't get lost, honey.

Come on, Tom, I want
to show you something.

Oh, feast your eyes
on these honeys, Tom.

Albino ironwood, right out
of the Peruvian rain forest.

Mmm! You can still smell
the jungle on 'em.

-Go ahead, take a whiff.
-(sniffs)

Come on, rest your honker

on the log and take a whiff.

Mm-hmm, smells like
global warming.

That's moss.

That's moss, Tom.

Well... this is
the trophy room.

("Ride of the Valkyries"
playing)

Are those your kids?

Yeah, that's the Murtaugh
Victory Reel.

It's on a loop.

Hm. It's a good room.

I'll tell you why
I love this room so much, Tom.

All the trophies, the ribbons,

the prizes, past,
present and, uh,

future, it's proof that children
can be groomed to reflect

the best aspects
of any given gene pool.

You just have to keep them
on a short leash.

(chuckles):
I couldn't agree more.

My Anne's proof of that.

You're looking a lot more put together
than you did a few years ago.

Thanks.

Well, remember your nose was
a little too big for your face?

And that skin irritation
you had on your hand?

It just kept working its way
up your arm and into your neck

and over your...
side of...

It's... Glad that
it's gone, though.

It looks good.

(fake chuckle)

Well, if I remember correctly,
you weren't so hot yourself.

(barking)

That mutt could use
a shorter leash, too.

She's so cool.

Yeah, the kids and I
spent a weekend

putting that dock together.

Nothing like a little
manual labor to keep you humble.

Sit down, Tom.

So, Jimmy has matching pants
to that shirt.

Yeah. Boy, this place wasn't
put together overnight.

Does Daddy know
about your tattoo?

(gasp): No!

-(gasps)
-I'm sorry, Mom.

ANNE: I'm so sorry!

-Mom, Mom...
-It's okay. Yeah, I'm fine.

(gasps)

It's like spring break.
Hope I win the contest.

I've got a shirt
you can borrow.

-A shirt? Okay.
-Yeah.

-Mom...
-I'm sorry...

-You okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.

If my dad finds out
before I tell him...

You'll get grounded?

Please! Just don't
say anything.

Nice hands.

Hey, guys, look at this!
Watch me!

That's awesome!

-Hey, Sarah.
-Hey, Dad!

You should see
Mr. Murtaugh's new Sea-Doo.

-It's so awesome!
-That's terrific.

(not moving lips): Now, turn around and
pretend to be looking at the view.

Why?

Turn around... and pretend
to be looking at the view.

Are you still in touch
with your "dark gifts":

punking, practical jokes,

-soaking underwear in...
-Meat.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Classic.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm in touch. Why?

I, uh, I have a
mission for you.

Who's the target?

(groaning): Murtaugh.

Hmm... I can help you.

Hi!

As long as I don't
do time for the crime.

Hey, guys! Hi!

Done.

No grounding.

-Huh-uh.
-No allowance dockage.

-Uh-uh.
-No boring spiel about the difference

-between right and wrong.
-No...

And you have no problem with
the methods that I choose?

Hey!

It's your contract.
Do with it what you will.

Agreed?

Agreed.

Hey, give Daddy a hug.

Nail him.

Guys, guys, guys.

I have a mission for you.

It's top secret
and it's high priority.

Yeah? What is it?

Come on, I'll show you.

(whimpering)

SARAH: Positions.

BOTH: Check.

(sinister laughter)

(squishing)

NORA: Thank you.
Thank you.

Oh, my gosh!
It's a purple Bigfoot!

-What?
-ALL: Huh?

-A purple Bigfoot!
-(sniffs)

-A what?
-I don't see anything.

Ha-ha! Made you look!
Made you look!

-Made you look! Hey, made you look!
-KIM: You are so stupid.

Did I mention the dining set
was a gift from the...

King of Thailand.
Yeah, you did, yeah, yeah.

NIGEL: Hey, butt-head,
give me that roll!

JIMMY: Oh, I see your kids
can't wait to get started.

Oh, well, that's just
the way they are.

TOM (chuckling)

KATE: Hey, you guys, no eating
until everyone's seated.

KATE: Okay...

Wow...

Eyes up here, honey.

Doesn't she look hot?

JIMMY: Doesn't hold a candle
to you, honey.

Come on.
Let's sit down.

-Where you been all my life?
-All right.

Mm-hmm. My dear. Tom,
right over... right over here.

-Thank you.
-Oh, ignore the placecard, Tom.

Sit next to your wife.

JIMMY: Fine, fine,
if you want chaos.

-Right here, Tom.
-Believe me, I don't mind.

Dad, don't--
Don't...!

-(squishing)
-Whoa! That seat cushion is soft!

JIMMY: So, you two,
uh, play tennis?

-KATE: Yeah, we play tennis.
-You're in the meat seat.

-What?
-(sniffing)

GUNNER (barks, growls)

KIDS (screaming)

Whoa... whoa!

GUNNER (growling)

I knew that dog
was gonna be trouble.

-Whoa!
-JIMMY: Hey!

-Whoa!
-(clattering)

-(gasps)
-Sit! Oh...!

-(kids screaming)
-(plates shattering)

My china.

("Jaws" theme playing)

Where is he?

I don't know.

You don't know?

(continues)

-(barking)
-BOTH (screaming)

(whimpering)

SARINA: It's okay.
It happens all the time.

Oh, no it doesn't.

I'm so sorry.
I'm really embarrassed.

-Oh, no...
-And thank you for the lovely shirt.

Jimmy, I insist that
you send me a bill for this.

Oh, don't even think
about it, Tom.

What's a few thousand
dollars here or there?

The main thing is
you had a good time.

Well, we'll talk about it later,
but, meanwhile,

I'll see you
on the tennis court.

Yeah. And bring your "A" game.

Bye.

-What was that?
-Nothing.

No, no, no, that
was not nothing.

This was not nothing.
That was, uh, something.

That was-- all right,
in the house.

TOM: Yeah, I know.
I'm a horrible father.

Well, honey, you know,
you broke your promise.

What promise?

You said you weren't
going to get involved

in this whole competitive
thing with Jimmy,

and that you were over it, and
it's just all so infantile.

Well, he tried to tell us
how we should raise the kids.

Meaning what?

Yeah, he thinks
the kids are, you know...

Did he say the kids are...?

No, he didn't say the kids were,
but you could tell he implied--

that's what he thought--
the kids were, you know...

-Oh... Uh-uh.
-You know...

"Uh-uh" is right.

Mm-hmm.

BOTH: "I do not like
green eggs and ham,

I do not like them,
Sam I Am."

You're a little old for
that book, aren't you, Bud?

She's reading
to the baby, Tom.

Reading to the baby?!

Yeah, unborn babies,
they're comforted

by the sound of their...
their mother's voice.

Yeah, just don't spoil
my linebacker.

The baby's gonna be
what it wants to be.

Just let us be
the parents, okay, Dad?

Come on, Bud,
I'm hungry.

Yeah, me, too.

-Hi, Mr. Baker!
-Hi, Eliot. What's up?

-I was looking for Sarah.
-You mean Jake.

No, Sarah and I and Calvin are going
boarding again this afternoon.

Oh. Well, well, uh...
she'll be back soon.

Okay. I'll just
wait on the dock.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait...

Sit down.

Okay.

Yeah...

So, uh...

(groans)

What do you do
for a living, Eliot?

Um... I'm in eighth grade.

Oh, yeah, right, right, right.

And, uh, how's that
going for you?

-Fine.
-You, uh... on any teams?

Football, boarding
and baseball.

All that focus on sports,

that must impact your grades
quite a bit, huh?

No, actually, you know,
I'm an honor student.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You, uh...
play any instruments?

-Drums.
-Ooh!

Yeah, you're probably in one
of those punk bands, right?

Hmm-mm. Timpani. You know...
school orchestra.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Hey, Eliot.

Oh, see you, Mr. Baker.

Later, dude-- Dad.

Ho, guys!

Oh, what now?

Mind if I go
waterboarding with you?

It's kneeboarding,

and I'm pretty sure
that you can't do it.

Hey, if Jimmy can do it, I can
do it. You must be Calvin, huh?

Yeah. Nice to meet you.
I just got back from Yale.

Oh! Congratulations!

I'll just squeeze in over here.
There we go.

-Everybody ready?
-Yeah!

-Okay.
-Fun, huh?

Yeah, why don't
you go first?

CALVIN: You guys keep an eye
on him, all right?

You ready, Mr. Baker?

Okay, I'm... (yelling)

Whoa, oh, oh!

(grunting)

Sorry he interrogated you.

It's okay, my dad would've
done the same thing.

(yelling)

(groaning)

Really?

Yeah, you should come to my
house sometime.

Whoa, Nell...

Whoa-oh-oh!

(gibbering)

Hey, hey, hey!

(gibbering)

Aah, aah, aah...

-(shouting)
-It's really easy.

-He's really nice...
-Really?

Whoa...

Do you have a
favorite subject?

Probably math.

(screaming) Oh, God...

(burbling screams)

(screams)

(burbling)
Help... Oh, God!

BOTH:
Stop!

(gurgling)

You'll do better next time,
Mr. Baker, it's okay.

You sure he'll be okay?

SARAH: Yeah, he'll be fine.

-(wood breaks, Tom yells)
-(water splashes)

Dad! Are you okay?

It's all good.

Well... I'll go put on
a little perfume.

So, Sarah,
Eliot seems, uh, okay.

I see why you like him.

-Somebody's turning red.
-Shut up!

You know, thanks a lot, Dad.

What'd I say?

Men can be so clueless.

Honey, men aren't clueless.

(clucks tongue, huffs)

(sighing):
I'll go talk to her.

Mom, let me do this, okay?

Trust me, I've got
a little experience

in the area
of parental harassment.

-(rock splashes)
-(heavy sigh)

Hey... I totally know
how you feel.

How are you?

Dad can be pretty hands-on,
in-your-face sometimes, huh.

Just leave me alone!

A: I'm never trying
to help her again,

and B: I cannot wait
to move to New York.

(quietly)
Oh, geez.

(panting)

(sniffs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(gasps, shouts)

What are you doing here?

This is where I run.

What are you doing here?

I like to get out of the house.

Oh. Take a break from the
perfect daughter bit? Huh?

Hey... I'm not the only one

who's putting on an act
for Daddy around here.

You've hated the city
since we were kids.

Why'd you go to school there?

Seemed like the right thing
to do at the time.

Did it seem like
the right thing to do

because your parents said it
was the right thing to do?

No, because my parents wanted me
closer to home, that's why.

Are you gonna live
at home forever?

No. I just gotta figure out
my next move, and do it.

How about you, superstar?

What's the master plan, huh?

Somehow I gotta figure out
how to tell my dad

that I'm not built
for the corporate life.

Good luck.

So, for now,
I'm just gonna draw.

What do you draw?

Stay still, Baker.

Ho-ho-ho, yeah, right.

You're not drawing me,
'cause I'm gonna...

Okay, right here?
Is this good?

If I stay right here...

I think it might be better...

Stop smiling.

JESSICA: Sarah, come on!
Hurry up!

O-Okay, uh, okay.

Has anybody seen
my other tennis shoe?

-KIDS: No.
-No, I... I haven't.

Have you seen
my other tennis shoe?

-BOTH: No.
-Chisler!

(squeaking)

Chiseling little...

GUNNER (barking)

TOM (sighs heavily)

Great.

Hey, how ya doin'?

JIMMY: Hey, guys.

TOM: Good to see ya.

-Hi, Sarina.
-Hi.

Nice shoes. Kidding.
Let's warm up.

-Okay, let's do it, huh?
-Let's do it.

-SARINA: Mmm.
-TOM: Come on, Murtaugh!

KATE: Got it.

I don't remember you
out here when we were kids.

Dad didn't allow us to
come out into the woods.

Okay, I'm done.

That's Charlie Baker
figuring out his next move.

-You're good.
-(laughs)

Tell my dad.

Maybe he'll let me transfer

from Harvard
to Madison Art School.

You want to live up here
and go to school?

This lake is, like, my favorite
place on the planet Earth.

Why?

I've just always fantasized
about moving up here.

I don't know, maybe open up
a garage or something.

Looks like you figured out
your next move.

Think you're right.

Hey, you want to go for a walk
or something?

Is Charlie Baker asking me
out on a date?

Well, I'm not sure our fathers
would approve, but...

-Let's go.
-Yeah.

Yours...
Nice... nice!

-This is mine.
-Uh... oh...

(laughing)

-It's these shoes.
-Okay. All right.

A poor workman
blames his tools, Tom.

Just serve it.

This is payback for the china.

Come on, give me your best, Jimmy.
Give me your best!

(grunts)

Ha!

I got it!

I got it...

I got it. I got it.
I got it!

-I got it... Oh!
-Got it! Got it!

Mine!

-Got it!
-Mine! I got it!

-JIMMY (grunting)
-TOM (growling)

-Mine!
-Whoa!

-It's turbo.
-Dude, I'm in so much trouble

from the other night,
there's no way.

-Don't be a wimp.
-I'm not a wimp!

Come on, get in.

Okay, just one little cruise.

Come on, Baker.

I'm gettin' old here.

Just... be careful.

(engine revving)

MARK: Whoa! Slow down!

(chattering)

Mr. and Mrs. Baker, excuse me.

There's a call from security
over at the gift shop.

-TOM: What's this about?
-Just follow me.

Slow down! Stop!

-(shouting, whooping)
-Flip!

(gasps)

(clattering)

MAN: Okay, we're willing
to let it slide this time

if you promise to keep
your kids under control.

I really appreciate that,
and we'll take care of it.

There you go. Thanks, Skippy.

Thank you, Mr. Murtaugh.

You just gonna talk to her, Tom?

How I discipline my kids
is none of your business.

You know, I've been trying
to say this in a nice way,

but, uh, well, there's a reason
your kids are screwups.

My kids screwed up.

They are not screwups.

You're not strict enough.

Parenting isn't
a popularity contest, Tom.

But I guess if you knew that,

your kids wouldn't be
so undisciplined.

The only problem with my kids

is that they're hanging
out with your kids.

It wasn't my daughter
who got caught stealing.

And it wasn't my son
who trashed a tennis court!

Do you actually think I'm
screwing up my kids, Baker?

Yeah. And one day,
they're gonna crack.

Well, why don't
we test that theory?

On Labor Day:
Murtaughs versus Bakers.

For the Cup.

You're on.

We'll see ya there.

Let's go.

Honey, did you just agree to that
competition thing and the Cup and...?

Yeah.

(sighs heavily)

Okay, missy, let's go
walk and talk.

Now tell me what
this is all about

because it's so not you.

I was embarrassed.

Look at me, honey.

Embarrassed about what?

Makeup.

Oh, honey...

you know you can come to me
anytime with anything.

You know that, right?

-Mm-hmm.
-Okay.

And I know why you wanted the
makeup: it was for Eliot, right?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, well...

I'm just not pretty
like Nora or Lorraine.

I thought maybe
the makeup would... help.

You're beautiful.

And I want you to remember
something else,

and it's really important--

That, when you like a boy,

never be anybody but yourself.

Eliot liked you
without makeup, didn't he?

Do you think he really likes me?

Oh! How could he not?

No more felonies.

-Deal?
-Deal.

Deal. Good.

I guess the Labor Day Cup's
gonna be a bloodbath.

Oh... got that right.

All right, from now on,
no seeing the Murtaughs,

no talking to the Murtaughs,
no thinking about the Murtaughs.

Can't we compete and
still, like, see them?

No!

Right now, I am not a father,
I am a coach,

and we're gonna be training
twice a day, every day,

starting outside, in ten minutes.

ALL (groaning)

(rock song)

Jumping jacks, jumping jacks!
Good, good, good!

Lorraine, come on!

Push-ups! One, two!

Now back up to
jumping jacks!

Lorraine! Come on!

Okay!

(continues)

And, toss.

Toss...

Toss.

-Toss...
-Dad!

-Just toss.
-Dad, lay off!

-Toss!
-I'm tossing!

No crying!

Step back!

That's it! I can't handle
this pressure, Dad!

Eggs cost money!

(squeaking)

Okay, it's a three-legged race,
but run as if you had two.

On your mark, get set, go!

-Go!
-Let go!

Go! Aw...!

-It was your fault!
-Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

CHARLIE: Come on,
come on, get in!

Come on!

Murtaugh! Murtaugh!
Murtaugh! Murtaugh!

JESSICA: Dad! Dad!
We're not Murtaugh!

(squeaking)

Take a deep swing and boom,
just like that.

Wind up... No...

Oh! Aw...

Oop...

Oops.

Nice.

Give it a good one.
Come on.

One more.

That's a zero.

♪ Under pressure ♪

(rat squeaks)

♪ Pressure ♪

(slurping)

I really love having
a family dinner

where all you can hear
is forks hitting the plates.

You know, this could be
our last chance to be together,

and you're totally ruining it.

I'm glad we're moving
to Houston,

and so is Iron Mike
or Donna Baker Butkus McNulty.

(door slams)

(door slams)

Bulk up.

You're burning a hole in my face.

Tom...

you got to stop this
whole training camp thing.

This is not some little
fence line squabble, Kate.

This is an epic battle
between two families.

(chuckles)

No. No, no, honey.

I think this
is Tom versus Jimmy.

And I'm sorry, General,

but you're starting to lose
the respect of your troops,

and that's dangerous.
Give the kids some space.

Are you asking me to back
out of the competition?

No, honey, it's just,
especially with Sarah,

this is her first crush, come on.

What, with Eliot?

Yes.

She needs to know that we trust her.

She couldn't even come to me

and tell me she wanted
to wear makeup.

Is that the kind of relationship

you want her to have with us?

WOMAN (on P.A., indistinct)

-Oh, hey, Sarina.
-Hi!

-Oh, wow.
-(glass shattering)

Let's run.

(laughing)

Just leave it.
They'll-They'll get somebody.

-Okay.
-The kids drop stuff all the time

and then run away, leave me
standing there.

-Can I ask you a question?
-Sure.

How do you manage
12 kids?

Oh, with great difficulty,
trust me.

Good, 'cause I have no
idea what I'm doing.

Oh.

Well, you got a lot
of fruit in the cart.

I'd get some
of this refined sugar.

It's great for negotiating
purposes or whatever.

Jimmy's gone overboard with
this whole tough love thing.

I mean, the kids are miserable
and he doesn't even see it.

Well, he and Tom bring out
the best in each other, don't they?

I'm actually getting a kick out of it.

It's been very entertaining.

(chuckles)

-And exhausting.
-Mm. This is good.

ELIOT: Ask him and
I'll ask my dad.

-So hopefully tonight will work.
-Yeah.

Okay, see you.

(kisses)

Not my little girl.

Hey, Dad.

Um, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

I just need you to help me,
uh, pace out, uh,

25 yards for the, uh, egg race,
starting here, okay?

There we go.

-Yeah.
-Okay. Go ahead.

Hey, Dad, I was...

Those steps are too small.

(sighs)

Those steps are...

Can I go to the movies with
Eliot Murtaugh tonight?

...are too big.

I guess so.

Sarah!

Sarah, Nora has to urinate,

and a full bladder
puts inordinate strain

on the amniotic sac,
which in turn...

Kim, thank you. We could
just go with "hurry up."

BOTH: Hurry up!

I need... Lorraine.

You get Lorraine,
I'll pee outside.

(knocking)

Hey, it's me.

How's it going?

Eliot asked me out, and, um...

I'm kinda new to the whole
dating thing, so...

Are you going to make me beg?

I was thinking about it.

Come on.

Let's start with your makeup.

Um, Lorraine...

-thanks.
-Don't worry about it.

-Pink?
-Come on.

Can't we do, like, a skin color?

Come on. There you go.

-It looks good.
-Uh-huh.

(chattering)

Hey, guys. Guys!

I need everybody's
attention.

Sarah's about to come downstairs

and she's going
on her date tonight.

She looks
a little different, okay?

So I would really appreciate it

if you guys could
give her the respect

that you never gave me,
all right?

And not ridicule her style choices

before she enters the world
of multi-gender interaction.

Okay, so go about
your little chores

and act completely natural.

Lorraine.

I think you're gonna do
just fine in New York.

Thank you.

(whimpers)

Hubba-hubba.

You look very pretty, honey.
You always do.

Thank you.

Well, I'm going to the movies.

Sounds good.
Uh, you need some money?

No, I have some
from lawn mowing.

-(grunts)
-Limo's here!

There's Mr. Murtaugh.

Okay. Well, have fun.

And, uh, I'll pick you up
outside the theater at 9:00.

Okay. Bye.

-Bye.
-KATE: Bye, cutie.

And I'll save a spot
for you on the varsity.

LORRAINE:
Have fun.

-How cute was she, huh?
-Yeah.

Seems like yesterday
that was you, missy.

You're not gonna start crying,
are you, Dad?

Hey, I'm a football coach, remember?

-Right.
-BUD: And I like Henrietta.

You are not gonna name
that baby Henrietta.

All right, what do we got to eat?

(metallic scraping)

-(heart beating)
-(clock ticking)

SARAH: Can I go to the movies
with Eliot Murtaugh tonight?

Can I go to the movies
with Eliot Murtaugh tonight?

Can I go to the movies with
Eliot Murtaugh tonight?

KATE: Honey, you want
something to eat?

-(ticking)
-(heart beating)

-Tom, sweetie?
-Huh?

-Do you want something to eat?
-Oh, no.

You know what, actually?

I should go get Sarah.

It's 7:30. The movie just started.

Well, I'm not going directly there.

I'm just gonna stop
and get gas first.

Oh, okay.

Oh, there's bound to be traffic,
you know,

'cause it's Labor Day weekend
and everything, and, uh...

-Sure there is.
-I'll get going.

And I don't trust those fish clocks.

(laughing)

They're notoriously slow.

I love you, sweetheart.

Thank you.

One, please.

(growling)

(whispering)
What are you doing here?

Well, if you must know,
I'm still here to make sure

this movie is appropriate
for our children.

It's rated G.

Shh.

-Shh.
-Mom.

Sir, could you please sit down?

What are you doing
here so early?

Father of the daughter always
arrives early for pickup duty.

Everybody knows that.

USHER: Excuse me.

Is there a problem here?

Yes, this man's harassing me.

This man's guilty of overparenting.

If you two can't keep it down,

I'm gonna throw both of you out.

(neck cracks)

Oh, my God. Look at this.

JIMMY: What?
He's stretching.

He's doing the move.

-WOMAN: Shh!
-What move?

You're sitting in the theater.

You fake a yawn...

Oh, boy, am I tired.

Hand comes over...

then a little while later,
head comes over,

giving extra reach here, right?

Mom, look.
Those two down there.

-See what I mean?
-WOMAN: Oh, that's disgusting.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

(clears throat)

-Warning number two.
-He was showing me the move.

Do you mind?

You don't know the move?

No, I don't know the move, okay?

I wasn't a hormone-crazed Romeo
when I was a kid.

I had self-control.
I had social sophistication,

-just like my son.
-Psst! Be quiet down there.

Your son has raging hormones,
like every other male teenager.

Meaning what?

Meaning on the sophistication scale,

he's one step above ape.

Are you calling my son an ape?

He's an ape like
every other male teenager.

Take it back.

I'm not gonna take it back.

Take it...

Take it back.

Were you gonna poke me?

JIMMY: No, I was not
gonna poke you.

TOM: You were gonna
poke me.

-Because you were asking for it.
-WOMAN: Shh!

-Well, if I'm asking for it...
-MAN: Hey!

...why don't you give it to me?
Give me a poke.

-Shh!
-Oh, you want a poke?

-What's going on down there?
-Yeah, give me your best poke.

-Hey, sit down!
-You call that a poke?

-JIMMY: I call that a practice.
-Give me your best poke.

-JIMMY: You don't want my best poke.
-I want your best poke.

-JIMMY: Oh, you're asking for it.
-(gasps)

(screams)

-(gasping)
-AUDIENCE: (screaming)

MAN: Hey, call somebody.

Need help!

Hi.

-MAN #2: Pull him up.
-MAN #3: You okay, sir?

Hey, honey, how'd it go?

Dad was totally spying on me.

You ruined everything.

There's no way
that I'm competing for you

in that stupid Cup tomorrow.

I can't believe you did that.

Really, Dad, that is so Big Brother.

Yeah, let's go.

NORA: Come on, Bud,
let's put this baby to bed.

Not cool, Dad.

HENRY: You know, you and Jimmy
aren't so different, Dad.

Different styles, yeah,
but... same result.

Let's go, guys.

(sighs)
Oh, honey.

Honey, we talked
about this, didn't we?

The tighter you hang on, the more
they're going to pull away, right?

(sighs)
Oh, God. I'll go talk to her.

-Well...
-Hey.

We're gonna go
compete for the Cup.

Couldn't get any more
volunteers, huh?

You gonna come and watch us
kick some heinie?

Oh, well, maybe I will, honey.

If I can get
everybody fed and...

I'm sorry.

Okay, guys.
Come on, let's go.

-NIGEL: Come on, Dad.
-KYLE: Yeah.

-And I'm sorry, too.
-(sighs)

Did Dad go?

Yep.

With Kyle and Nigel.

(squeaking)

(squeaking)

Hey, the Chiseler's got my wallet.

Whoa... check it out.

HENRY: Yeah, must have
an escape hatch.

Look at all this stuff.

That's mine, from,
like, the '80s.

Oh, my goodness.

Careful. Careful.

Ooh, honey, let me see that.

Look at this.

It's our old team flag.

From that year we lost to
the Murtaughs by two points.

Yeah, 'cause Mom fell
in the sack race.

Daddy carried me
all the way home.

A lot of memories.
And you know your father.

He wants to be a part
of every single one of them.

That's why he's having such
a hard time letting go.

But you know one
thing for sure.

No matter what Daddy says,

if he's in a good mood
or a bad mood,

you're his favorite team, right?

And left.

And right.

And left. And right.

-And left...
-The Bakers.

What gives, Tom?
Couldn't rally your team?

Well, it's all I got, but it's enough
to take you down, Murtaugh.

(laughs)
Are you kidding me?

You'll be lucky
to beat the Doobners.

Come on, Big Daddy.
Shake it out, shake it out.

We'll see.
Come on, guys.

We'll see.

MAN: Okay, ladies and
gentlemen, here we go.

Welcome, everyone, to the, uh, 46th annual
Lake Winnetka Labor Day Cup.

(cheering)

Now, we have seven families
competing in ten events today.

And the family winning the most
events will win the Cup.

Simple enough, so let's get to it,
all right? Contestants, here we go.

Okay, guys, let's do this, huh?

-(car horns honking)
-ALL (cheering)

MIKE: Dad, we're here.

Dad! Hi, Dad.

(grunts)

There's a team.
There's a team.

You can't keep the varsity down.

And I promise never
to go on a date

with you and Eliot again.

Hey, Murtaugh!

This is our year!
Huddle up. Huddle up. Come on.

Let's see what you got, Tom.

Okay, Murtaughs.

Huddling. Okay.

I know I've been a jerk all
week, but that's old news.

-ALL: Yeah!
-Okay, now look.

You got to get loose.
Don't let them intimidate you.

ALL: Yes!

Now you each have a special
talent, I want you to use it!

I don't care if we win or lose,

I just want you
to do your best.

Okay. Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing?

Stop with the nicey-nice.

Here's the game plan.

We're going to step
on their throats

and press down until
they stop breathing.

KIDS: Yeah!

And finally, get focused
and stay with the game plan.

-KATE: What would that be?
-What's the game plan, Dad?

Okay, well, we don't have
a game plan, but you just, in general...

Chin up.
Charge the mountain!

-Exactly!
-ALL: Yeah!

Okay, break on three.

ALL: One, two, three!

-(up-tempo pop song)
-(whistle blows)

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Come on, go!
Come on, go!

-Yeah, Mark!
-(giggles)

-(whistle)
-JIMMY: Go, go...

Charge it, charge it, charge it!

(cheering)

(shouting)

Good job.

-Ew!
-Okay, that's okay.

♪ Holiday ♪

-Bull's-eye!
-Another one for the Bakers!

♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Celebrate ♪

(yells)

♪ If we took a holiday ♪

Come on, Charlie.

That's it. That's it.

Go, Charlie! Go!

(groaning)

JIMMY: Go, superstar!

(cheering)

♪ It would be so nice ♪

Got to be tough, Baker.

Got to be tough, huh?

What is this?

♪ We're gonna have
a celebration ♪

(cheering)

♪ All across the world ♪

Out.

♪ In every nation ♪

What was that?

(cheering)

♪ Forget about the bad times ♪

(cheering)

♪ To release the pressure ♪

-(whistle blows)
-Here we go, Tom.

I'm okay, Murtaugh.

-Look out.
-Yeah, yeah...

-Whoa...
-Not your sport?

Let's go for a jog.

Come on, keep up.

Reverse.

Couldn't have asked
for a better day, huh?

Whoa! Whoa!

(laughs)

-(yelling)
-Look out.

(yells)

(crowd gasping)

Ouch.

(groans)

Well, folks, for the first
time since 1961,

our Labor Day Cup
has ended in a tie.

-(cheering and applause)
-Okay, okay.

-(squealing)
-Yeah!

The Miller family is going
to be taking third place,

and to determine second place
and our champion,

the Bakers and the Murtaughs
are going to have a canoe race

from here to the state forest
end of the park and back.

All right? And all family
members must participate.

Mike, Mike, uh...

I got a daughter who's due in
a week. She-She can't do that.

Gee, Tom, maybe you can

work something out
with Jimmy here, okay?

Looks like you're going
to have to forfeit, Tom.

(stammering)

Look, uh...

uh... she can't do it.

So... we're done.

And... congratulations.

-Okay.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm going, Dad.

(chuckles)

You just pissed off a severely-hormonal
pregnant woman.

Let's do this!

-(cheering)
-What? No.

-TOM: You sure?
-Okay, I need a life jacket.

-A big one. Bud?
-Let's go, Bakers.

-WOMAN: Come on, Bakers!
-SARAH: Whoo! Bakers!

-MAN: Go get 'em!
-Lorraine, lose those shoes.

-They're fancy and brand-new.
-What? Yours are the same.

No, I'm a mom.
I need the height.

Come on, look at Jimmy's wife--
take those off.

Mom, mine tie
my whole outfit together.

What?

Stay on the north side
of the lake.

There's less wind there.

Thanks, Murtaugh.

You're welcome, Baker.

Let's go, superstar.

It's supposed to be fun.

(dramatic military
march playing)

Ooh!

(sighs) You ready?

-Ready.
-Come on.

On your marks...

Mur-taugh!

-Get set!
-Mur-taugh!

(gasping)

CROWD (cheering)

MURTAUGHS:
Stroke, stroke, stroke...

Go, Bakers. Go, Bakers.

Stroke, stroke!

-Come on.
-We're gaining on them!

-Stroke, stroke...
-Let's go!

JIMMY: We're gonna win this, Murtaughs.

MURTAUGHS:
Stroke...

Come on, put some muscle in it,
Bakers.

-Stroke...
-Stroke...

-Stroke... stroke...
-Row.

JIMMY: Come on, superstar.
Come on, Kenneth.

Not this time, Murtaugh.

That's what you think.

MURTAUGHS: Stroke! Stroke!

BAKERS: Stroke! Stroke!

Row, row, come on!

I think we're taking on water.

It's me.

-It's okay.
-Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
Nora's water just broke!

ALL (gasping, squealing)

-Jimmy!
-Jimmy!

-Stroke, stroke...
-Jimmy!

-Stroke...
-Something's wrong, Jimmy.

He's trying to pull
a fast one. Now paddle.

I don't believe it.

What if somebody's hurt?

Honey, we have
a substantial lead.

-It's a trick.
-How can you be sure?

I don't want to lose, Annie.
Now paddle. Stroke!

-Okay, everyone.
-(screaming)

-Calm down. it's fine.
-If we cut through the woods here,

-the road's not that far.
-Can you get us there?

-Hello! Nature Boy, remember?
-Let's go.

KATE: Okay, Nora, just hold on.
Sit tight.

Row faster.

-No, Bud, stay with...
-Row!

Annie, what are you doing?

What are you doing,
superstar? Paddle.

I'm not a superstar, Dad.

I'm just a person who's
trying to have her own life.

And this is not my idea
of living, it's yours.

Like my tattoo?

(splash)

Annie, get back in this boat.

You're gonna have to win it
without me, too, Dad.

Eliot, don't you dare.
Don't you... don't you...

-I'm outta here.
-Kenneth!

-BECKY: Not cool, Dad.
-Becky!

Don't you...

-You've got to lighten up.
-Daniel...

-(splash)
-We like the Bakers.

-Yeah, Dad.
-Lisa? Robin?

Okay, okay, that's it.

You know what?
You kids are gonna be cut off

if you don't... You know...
No more charge accounts.

-(splash)
-Think about that.

What is wrong with you?

I want to win.

You don't get it, Sarina.
It's not me.

It's him, it's Tom.

He was always the popular one.

He was the one everybody liked--
everybody.

All the girls liked him,
all the parents liked him.

My own father even
liked him better.

That was 18 years before
I was born. Get over it.

Look, your kids are trying
to tell you something.

And unless you want to start
looking for wife number four,

you'd better listen.

Now paddle!

JESSICA: Watch out.
She's coming through!

-NORA (groaning)
-SARAH: Nora, you okay?

50 cents says it's a girl.

-I'll take that bet.
-I'm in.

-Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!
-Whoa, whoa, okay, okay.

I'm all right.
I'm all right.

-I got you. I got you.
-That's okay.

Oh, Mom, Mom.
Oh, geez. I'm okay.

All right, how you
feeling, sweetie?

-Cramping a little.
-Okay, how often?

-Try to breathe.
-Just a couple times so far.

-All right, okay.
-Okay.

BOTH: (rhythmic breathing)

I think I'm gonna be sick. Ow!

Pay attention to her.

(panting): Is she okay?

Yeah, she's delivering
lakeside, but yeah.

Did you swim
all the way over here?

JIMMY: Hey, Baker,
what's going on?

Nora's having her baby. We got
to get her to the hospital.

What can I do to help?

Oh, honey, you can help with Nora.
Mark's on point, right, Mark?

I know the area really well.

My dad forced me to use the topographical
maps of this area for no apparent reason.

Hey, that's my boy.

Lead the way,
Kenneth Murtaugh.

Well, it just so happens
that my dad has let me have

almost every animal
in the world,

which makes me an expert
at scouting scat trails.

-That's my boy.
-Point us in the right direction,

and I'll find us
a scat trail to follow.

-What's scat?
-Animal poop.

Cool! We're following poop.

KIDS (clamor excitedly)

Okay, I'm a little competitive.

-I know.
-Go, go!

Come on, guys. This way.

Yeah, there's a road up ahead.

-ELIOT: Come on.
-SARAH: Okay, okay.

(excited clamoring)

-NORA: Whoa...
-BUD: You okay?

KATE: Slow down, slow down.

Honey, slow down.

Honey, honey?
Sorry, slow down.

KENNETH: Yeah, we did it!

Come on, guys, hurry up.

-Come on!
-Come on, guys, this way. Come on.

-TOM: We'll make it.
-(kids shouting)

-Keep breathing.
-Come on, hurry up!

TOM: Okay.

KATE: This isn't a trail.
That's a trail.

I'll take it from here.
I got it.

-Let me... I can do it.
-NORA (groaning)

SARAH: Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Hi, I've got a daughter who's
about to deliver any second,

and I need you to get her in
right now.

I don't want her to feel any pain.
I don't care if she remembers a thing,

and I want the baby to be healthy.
You got it? Get it? Good.

If I could just get you
to fill out this...

I don't think so.

I wouldn't mess with her
if I were you, okay?

-KATE: Yeah, what she said.
-ALL (wailing)

-Oh, wow! Shh!
-She's having a baby!

-ALL (wailing)
-Stay calm.

Get over here!

Get me in a wheelchair.

All right,
it's all right.

-Get in the chair!
-Get a wheelchair!

(clamoring)

-You got it.
-Oh, my God.

Good luck.

(clamoring)

(voices fade)

-(clamoring)
-Must be this way.

No, that way. All right. Family
only in the delivery room.

-TOM: Okay, family.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-You're all family?
-ALL: Yeah.

-Help me out here.
-I'm her mother, so...

-Of course.
-Yes, thank you.

-Oh, my God. Let's go. Please?
-TOM: Kate?

Do your thing.

-(sighs)
-Okay, come on, let's go.

Tom, actually, um...

We'd like Lorraine to come with us.

We want you
to be the godmother.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-Bud, I'm having a baby here.
-Wow.

We'll try to get you
a linebacker, Tom.

Come on,
everybody, come on.

-Let's go.
-Come on.

Now, this is a hospital.
You guys have to be quiet.

-Got it?
-Tom?

You mind if we wait with you?

-That'd be great.
-Okay.

(quiet, indistinct conversation)

They're good kids, Jimmy--
all of 'em.

And you're saying we have
nothing to do with it?

They're born hard-wired.

-Dad, look what we found.
-Look.

-Dad, check it out.
-Hey, hey, hey,

just-just be sure and,
uh, disinfect 'em.

Yeah. That's a bedpan, Kenny.
Take it off.

So, your kid gets my kid to
wear a bedpan, and you're saying

-we have no impact?
-I didn't tell him to do it.

You look in the face
of a six-month-old,

-and that's the way they are.
-We're invisible in the house?

-Is that...?
-That is the way...

-Hey.
-Hey.

You, uh, look like you
have something to say.

I'm done with the city, Dad.

I'm going to open
up my own garage,

and I'm moving up here
this fall.

And I want to audit
art classes at Madison.

Pardon me?

Dad, I want to be an artist.

Oh, I don't think
that's gonna happen.

-Dod-doo-doo-doo-doo...
-Jimmy?

Although, it does sound
pretty exciting.

Sweetheart, is this
what you really want?

(sighs)
I'm sure.

You know, Annie, I-I was just
trying to be a good father.

(whispers)
I know.

So, Dad, what do you think?

Sounds like you've got
your mind made up.

I do. You okay with that?

Yeah. I think I am.

Excuse me, Tom?

You want to meet your grandson?

Yeah.

(sighs)

You did a good job, honey.
A really good job.

That's a big boy.

Too bad he wasn't there
to help us win the Cup.

He'll get a chance.

Mike Romanow gave me a deal.

Now we own the big house
at the lake.

It'll be nice having you
in the neighborhood, Bud.

You Murtaughs better start cranking out
grandkids, if you want to compete.

ALL (laughing)

Shh! You guys...

my godchild's trying to snooze.

KATE: So...

any ideas on names?

I think we're gonna go with Tom.

'Cause you taught us that there's
no way to be a perfect parent...

but a million ways
to be a really good one.

And you're about
as good as they get.

Say hi to Grandpa.

Go on.

Okay.

Baby...

(whispers)
Hey.

-(cooing)
-Oh, you're so beautiful.

Okay.

Hey. Tom...

Hey, Tom.

(coos)

Yeah. Hey.

Welcome to family.

(triumphant musical theme playing)

(soft rock playing)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh ♪

ALL: Bye, Nora. See ya.

Bye, Bud.
Bye, Nora.

♪ Sunday morning
rain is falling ♪

-Bye, guys.
-Bye-bye.

KATE: Letting go is the hardest
thing you can do as a parent.

You have to settle with the past,

engage in the present
and believe in the future.

That vacation at Lake Winnetka
reminded Tom and me

that we're always learning as parents

and that the bond is forever.

Even as the kids grow up
and venture out on their own,

we'll always be with them and
they'll always be with us

because life is a voyage
that's homeward-bound.

♪ Someday, it will lead me
back to you ♪

♪ That someday it will
lead me back to you ♪

♪ That maybe
you're all I need ♪

♪ That she is all I see ♪

Oh, my God...

♪ Come and rest
your bones with me ♪

♪ Driving slow
on Sunday morning ♪

♪ Now I never want to leave ♪

♪ My fingers chase
your every outline, yeah ♪♪

(funky soul music plays)

♪ Express yourself ♪

(laughing)

♪ Express yourself ♪

Oh, oh, oh, hey...

♪ You don't ever need help ♪

(chuckling)

♪ From nobody else ♪

♪ 'Cause all
you got to do now ♪

Is this my normal face?

Yay! Yay!

♪ Is express yourself ♪

-(barks)
-Hi, Booboo. You want a treat?

-(growls)
-(screams)

(gasping)

(laughing)

Can I redo that?

♪ Everybody on the floor now ♪

What are we gonna do?

♪ Jumping like a kangaroo ♪

KATE: She'll never walk again,
I'll tell you that.

♪ Now let the horns toot
and do their thing-- ha ♪

Subtitled by: Axium Digital, Inc.

(horn solo plays)

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

(chuckles)

♪ Hey, now ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Watch it, y'all ♪

♪ Some people have everything
and then other people don't ♪

♪ But everything
don't mean a thing ♪

♪ Well, if it ain't
the thing you want ♪

♪ Express yourself ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Express yourself ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Oh, do it, do it, do it,
do it, yeah ♪

♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do it now ♪

♪ You can do it, you know ♪

♪ Put your mind to it
Everybody wants to do it now ♪

♪ Express yourself, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Express yourself, all right ♪

♪ Do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do ♪

♪ You can ♪

♪ Express yourself,
now, ha-ha ♪

♪ Uh, express yourself ♪

♪ Don't settle
for nothin' less, y'all ♪

♪ Express yourself ♪

♪ Come on, yeah,
get it on, oh ♪

♪ Express yourself ♪

♪ Ha! That's right, oh ♪

(chuckles)

♪ Well, express yourself ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Well, express yourself ♪

♪ Do-do, do-do ♪

♪ Oh, express yourself, yeah ♪♪

(acoustic guitar strumming)

♪ La-la-la La-la ♪

♪ Hey, it's funny how ♪

♪ Everything's changing ♪

♪ Trying to figure it out ♪

♪ Saw these paths in a daze ♪

♪ You and me together ♪

♪ Going separate ways ♪

♪ And everything I see is a blur ♪

♪ What if we could stay like this? ♪

♪ Sun coming down ♪

♪ Everything's perfect Perfect ♪

♪ What if we never miss ♪

♪ Another day and a time for a kiss? ♪

♪ What if we ♪

♪ What if we stay like this? ♪

♪ What if we stay like this? ♪

♪ La-la-la La-la ♪

♪ La-la-la ♪

♪ I know as time passes ♪

♪ We'll get stronger ♪

♪ What if we could stay
like this? ♪

♪ Sun coming down
Everything's perfect, perfect ♪

♪ What if we never miss ♪

♪ Another day
and a time for a kiss? ♪

♪ What if we ♪

♪ What if we stay like this? ♪

♪ What if we stay like this? ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ La, la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ La, la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪

Subtitled by:
Axium Digital, Inc.