Original subtitles

Previously on Two and a Half Men...

FedEx just dropped off a box addressed to Charlie.

Looks like the knife he used to chase you around the house with.

"I'’m coming home, and you'’re going to pay."

I'’m telling you, Charlie'’s alive.

ROSE: Oh, good.

Then I don'’t have to tell you.

♪ Men, men, men.♪

♪ Men.♪

Charlie is still alive?

Yeah, kinda.

What do you mean, "kinda"?

'’Cause she "kinda" drank when she was pregnant with me,

and now I "kinda" can'’t do math.

Hey.

What are you still doing here?

Oh, I accidentally fell asleep in Zippy'’s room.

How do you accidentally fall asleep?

You accidentally wash down your pain pills with scotch.

What'’s Fatal Attraction doing here?

She says that Charlie is still alive.

I knew it.

Alan,

if you move out

and Charlie stays here with Walden,

I believe that we can keep this going

for another five years.

Yeah, I don'’t think so.

So, uh...

what exactly happened to Charlie?

Yeah, start from the beginning.

You mean from the pilot?

No, what happened to my brother after you married him?

Oh.

Well, we had a wonderful wedding,

and then we flew to Paris for our honeymoon.

We were so happy. So animated.

[both sigh]

[chuckles]

We went up on the Eiffel Tower...

and went down on the Champs-EÉlysées.

[zipper unzips, Charlie sighs]

Ooh!

Afterwards, we celebrated our love

with a romantic candlelit dinner at the Ritz.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

[sighs, sniffs]

Of course, I'’ve always known Charlie was no saint,

but I thought marriage would change him.

Huh?

I was wrong.

So wrong.

Huh?

Disturbingly wrong.

[bleats]

I ran from the room, determined to never see him again.

[bleating]: Charlie...

He finally caught up with me at the train station,

but all I could think about was...

[train whistle blowing] revenge.

But at the last second, fate intervened.

So I booked us a cruise home.

[muffled grunting]

We moved into a brand-new house in Sherman Oaks--

the good part, south of the boulevard--

where we could live as a happy couple.

WALDEN: Wait a minute.

You bought a house with a dungeon?

And a pit?

Of course not.

I had it remodeled.

The permit process was just a nightmare.

Next time, use my pit guy.

He'’s the best.

Continue.

ROSE: For the next four years,

we were the happiest we'’d ever been.

I'’d feed him...

bathe him...

and, of course, there was endless

magical lovemaking.

Then, a few days ago, the unthinkable happened.

Somehow, he managed to make a rope

out of his bowling shirts and ran away,

disappearing into the darkness.

[cartoony music playing]

Th-Th-Th-That'’s all, folks.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men.

♪ Men.♪Charlie escaped?

Uh, no. Prisoners escape.

Lovers run away because they'’re afraid of commitment.

Any-who, I just thought I should tell you.

You know, in case he drops by and guts you all like fish.

Why me? He doesn'’t even know me.

Oh, I told him all about you--

how you'’re richer than him, prettier than him,

and moved into his house and carried on

like he never existed.

Thank you.

Hold on, Rose.

If Charlie is alive, who'’s in the urn?

Oh. That'’s Billy.

Who'’s Billy?

The bisexual goat

who gave his life that your son might live.

So... so, what are we supposed to do now?

Wait a second.

Are we really not gonna talk about the fact

that Charlie was having sex with a goat?

Well, you didn'’t know Charlie.

It would have been weirder if he hadn'’t.

Well, now that you'’re all caught up,

I'’ll say my good-byes.

You'’re leaving?

Yeah. I'’m not gonna stick around to find out

what he'’s going to do to me just because I loved him too much.

Toodles.

Nah. That'’s just stupid.

No... no, no, no, no, this is ridiculous.

He'’s not gonna hurt anybody.

Oh, of course not.

Rose, wait up!

What, you'’re leaving, too?

Alan, your brother wasn'’t very pleasant

if he missed his morning coffee.

How do you think he'’s going to be

after four years in a pit?

So you'’re just gonna bail?

Uh... yep.

Berta, good-bye.

I never really cared for you.

Right back at you, Red.

Walden...

I loved you like a son.

Alan...

good luck.

Well, I-I guess we should go, too.

Hold on!

We'’re not really gonna run

'’cause of some crazy woman'’s story

and some vague text threats.

[cell phone chimes]

Okay, this one'’s a little more specific.

What does it say?

"You despicable troll.

"You thought you could replace my ninja awesomeness,

"you lame clown?

"I will deploy my army of assassins to destroy you.

"I will bring my bayonets of truth

"to the hexagon of death,

"where I will carve my initials into your reptilian skull

and cover you in tiger'’s blood."

Hard to believe he wrote children'’s songs, isn'’t it?

Yeah, we'’re gonna need some help.

Yeah, we'’re gonna need a lot of help.

Here, try these.

They won'’t keep him from hurting you,

but they will keep you from feeling it.

♪ Men.♪

Uh, thank you for meeting with us

on such short notice, Lieutenant.

[Austrian accent]: Anything for you, my friend.

How can I help?

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪So, uh, that'’s about it,

uh, uh, Lieutenant...

Wagner.Uh, Wagner.

No, not Wagner; Wagner.

Uh, W-A-G-N-E-R. Wagner.

"Vhatever."

All right, now, let me see if I got this straight.

12 years ago, your wife kicked you out,

and then you and your dumb son moved in with your brother.

Uh, uh, he wasn'’t dumb at the beginning.

Uh, he got dumb later on.

What happened?

Uh, well, turned out it was funnier.

All right.

So your brother then let you stay there

eight and a half years rent-free,

even though you claim that he never liked you.

Ah. Ah, you'’re not the only one to point out the illogic.

And this brother of yours supposedly died in Paris

under mysterious circumstances.

It wasn'’t all that mysterious.

I mean, he was taking a lot of drugs

and pissed off almost everybody.

And then you tried to drown yourself,

but you changed your mind because the water was too cold.

And then you got into his house and offered to buy it.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

And then you let him and his son stay there for four more years.

Right.

Rent-free.

Well, when you say it like that,

it sounds ridiculous.

And then your dead brother'’s

previously unknown lesbian daughter shows up,

and then you let her move in.

[chuckles] You can'’t write this stuff, huh?

And then the two of you got married to each other.

Yes.

But you'’re not gay.

Well, I'’m not.

And then you adopted a black child.

Ah, ah, he'’s, uh... he'’s more Eurasian.

Uh...

Oh, what a sweetie pie.

And the two of you are now divorced?

Mmm.But you'’re living together.

If I leave, the whole thing falls apart.

Yeah, of course.

Uh, and now the woman who stalked your brother

and then married him

all of a sudden shows up and she says

that he'’s not dead after all, that she has been keeping him

in a dungeon pit in the San Fernando Valley.

Ah, uh, Sherman Oaks.

Uh, but the good part-- uh, south of the boulevard.

And then he escaped,

and he sent you cigars and whiskey.

Oh, and don'’t forget the chasin'’ knife.

Oh, and the threatening text.

He said, uh, "I'’m coming home,

and you'’re gonna pay."

I'’m confused.

'’Cause you said he doesn'’t pay for anything.

I think the point is,

is that we need you to find him becau...

This guy has some serious rage issues.

Has he tried anger management?

Yeah, but it didn'’t work.

Okay.

Well, I have this inscription now,

and so if we find him, I'’ll let you know.

Uh, well... Thank you.

Uh, really appreciate it.

No problem.

Now, if I can, uh,

offer you a word of advice...

Mm-hmm?

I would consider wrapping this whole thing up.

Uh, what do you mean?

I mean the whole living arrangement.

The kids, the girls, the beach house.

I mean, this whole thing has been going on way too long.

Yeah, a lot of people been saying that.

Haters gonna hate.

♪ Men.♪

We should get out of town for a couple of days.

You know, go to a nice resort,

uh, get some facials, mani-pedis.

You know, a guys'’ weekend.

No... we'’re not going anywhere.

We got a state-of-the-art security system.

Nobody gets in unless we let them in.

[both screaming]

What the hell?!

"We got a state-of-the-art security system.

No one gets in unless we let them in."

Shut up.No, you shut up.

Hey. [both scream]

Jake? Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

[laughing]

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Yeah, I thought you were in the Army.

Come on. Look at me.

Do I look like someone who'’s in the Army?

Not on our side.

Come in.

Hey. These are pretty cool. Where'’d you get them? Target?

[laughs]

You get it? '’Cause of the... there'’s the circles...

Yeah, no, no, I got it. I got it. No.

Here'’s the thing.

It turns out that your Uncle Charlie

might still be alive.

Oh.

That would explain why I got a check for $250,000

and a note that said, "I'’m alive."

You have $250,000?

Not anymore. I stopped in in Vegas on the way here.

Oh, God. How much do you have left?

Two and a half million.

[whimpers]

Oh!

You won $2.5 million?

Oh, yeah. It'’s not that hard.

I kept playing craps because, you know, "crap."

Oh, and I kept betting on come, because...

[laughing]

Wow. That'’s... amazing that you made so much money

with such stupid jokes.

Taterhead!

Hey, Berta.

Oh, look at you!

You look like a grown man.

Really? Which one?

I'’ve missed you.

Berta, what are you still doing here?

No idea.

By the way, you'’re out of pot.

Where'’d these things come from? Target?

Ah. Too late.

I already did that joke.Ah...

No, somebody left them here.

You didn'’t hear anything?

I heard colors.

No, I-I am telling you,

Charlie is planning on killing us all.

Okay. It was good to see you guys.

Wait, th-that'’s it? You'’re leaving?

Oh, nothing personal-- I just got to get back to Japan

and tell my wife and kids that we'’re rich.

You'’re... you'’re married?

Yeah. Didn'’t I mention that?

No.

Wh-Wh-Wh-Whoa. You have kids?

Well, they'’re hers.

She'’s a dancer.

Uh, let me guess-- a pole dancer?

No, she'’s Japanese.

Well, see you.

All right, all right, we-we got to close these shades.

Anybody on the beach will have a clear shot at us.

Right.

Do this...

Man, it sucks to be you guys.

♪ Men.♪

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Judith, it'’s me.

Oh, hey, Alan.

Isn'’t it wonderful about Jake?

Uh, yeah, wonderful. Listen...

Did he give you $100,000, too?

He gave you $100,000?

No. What do you want?

Uh, uh, okay, long story short--

it turns out my brother is alive and he'’s out for revenge.

Revenge? For what?

Well, he didn'’t think I could go on without him.

He thought I was more of

a supporting character in his life,

but it turns out I-I was sort of a co-lead.

Um, a-anyway, I just wanted you to know

that if anything were to happen to me,

you were the love of my life.

Oh, Alan, that is so sweet.

Hang on, honey. I'’m getting another call.

She'’s not coming back.

♪ Men.♪

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Bridget, hi.

It'’s Walden.

Hey, Walden. What'’s up?

I can'’t go into detail, but I just...

I wanted to say that I wish I'’d been a better husband.

[chuckles softly]

Well, thank you.

And I just want to say that...

I'’m having sex with John Stamos.

I'’m not lying.

Go for Stamos.

Stamos, you'’re just a handsome guy

who got lucky on a sitcom.

Listen, um, I'’m just gonna set the phone down

so you can listen to me shish-kebab your old lady, okay?

Bye-bye.

♪ Men.♪

[photographers clamoring]

[phone ringing]Hold on, fellas.

Hello.

Uh, Kandi, it'’s Alan.

Oh, hi, Alan!

I just wanted you to know that,

even though we were only married for a short time,

you were the love of my life.

Oh, how sweet.

And you were the first guy I had tushy sex with.

You guys didn'’t hear that.

♪ Men.♪

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Zoey.

Hi. It'’s Walden.

Oh, Walden.

How are you, darling?

Uh, not so good.

Uh... that'’s why I'’m calling.

I... I just wanted to tell you that...

I'’ve been thinking about you lately, and...

I'’m sorry about the way things ended.

Oh, well... water under the bridge.

Listen, I'’d love to chat,

but I'’m in the middle of a coronation.

Of a what?

A coronation.

I married King Rupert of Moldavia,

and I'’m being crowned queen, so...

You'’re the queen of Moldavia?

What can I say?

Thank you, JDate.

[sighs] Shalom.

Darling, you still breathing?

♪ Men.♪

Hello?

Lyndsey, it'’s Alan.

Hi, Alan. I was just showing off

the beautiful engagement ring you gave me.

Great. Listen, I-I just wanted you to know

that if anything were to happen to me,

you were the love of my life.

Oh, baby.

You'’re the love of my life.

[quietly]: So, how much?

♪ Men.♪

Okay, I will say it one more time.

Resort hotel till the cops find him.

We can be in Vegas in two hours.

Styx is playing Mandalay Bay.

No, if I let Charlie drive me out of this house,

I reward his bad behavior.

Yeah. That'’s only supposed to happen in show business.

Which we are not in.

Not anymore.

[cell phone ringing]

Oh. Hello?

Walden?Walden.

That'’s what I said.

Look, I have good news.

We found your boy.

They found Charlie.

Are-are they sure?

Uh, uh, are... are you sure it'’s him?

Well, he matches the description.

Bowling shirt, cargo shorts,

and he'’s babbling away incoherently.

That sounds like him.

Wh-Where'’d you find him?

In a trashed hotel room

with a hooker in the closet.

That'’s absolutely him.

Oh, my... Thank you so much.

This is a huge relief.

Oh, you'’re welcome.

Uh, see you in the gym.

Okay. Hasta la vista.

I'’m telling you, I'’m not Charlie Harper.

Then who are you?

My name is Christian Slater.

I'’m an actor, all right?

I was in a bar, and this guy hands me a drink.

Next thing I know, I wake up in a hotel room

dressed like a 12-year-old,

with a screaming woman in the closet.

Yeah, right.

And I'’m the governor of California.

That bitch stole my watch!

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

What do you think Charlie will do

when he gets out of jail?

Well, if the past is any indication,

he'’ll sober up and reflect on his past mistakes,

apologize to everyone,

and then do something even worse.

See, I'’m not so pessimistic.

I'’m hoping someday he and I can be buddies.

[all laughing]

Good one.

By the way,

when this cigar is done, so am I.

Yeah, you calling it a day?

Calling it a career.You'’re quitting?

I didn'’t want to rub your nose in it,

but Charlie sent me a big-ass check,

so I'’m out of here.

Where you gonna go?

Don'’t know.

Somewhere the sun is bright,

the pot is strong and the men are stupid.

That'’s here.

You'’re right.

I'’m staying.

[helicopter approaching]

Wow.

Look at that.

Someone'’s having a piano delivered by helicopter.

Mmm. That'’s the kind of extravagant thing

Charlie would do.

Oh, uh, he had a baby grand just like that.

It'’s coming right this way.

You don'’t think that it'’s possible

that the cops got the wrong guy, do you?

Nah. Nah.

[doorbell rings]

[helicopter whirring overhead]

Winning.

♪ Men, men, men.♪