All language subtitles for Wayne.S01E05.1080p.RED.WEB-DL.AAC5.1.H.264-RTN

What the fuck are you doing?

All right, now you try.

I can't do it!

- Mom, come on. Yes, you can.
- No!

Come on!

- Okay.
- You ready?

- All right.
- Yeah.

- One...
- Two...

- Okay.
- Okay, one, two...

Ow! Oh, I can't do it.

I can't do it.

The water...

gets up my nose and I...

I start drowning.

I'm not meant to be upside down.

Not unless your
father's behind me.

Oh, Jesus, Ma.
Don't be disgusting.

How do you think you got here?

Oh, my God. Will you stop?

I think he goes in my school.

Well, if he goes to your school,

then you should be the one
flirting with him.

I'm good.

Come on, he's half decent.

Good job, maybe he's got a car.

I said, I'm good.

What is it, another boy?
Another girl?

Jesus, Ma!

I don't give a shit.
As long as you're happy

and she's got a car.

I just don't really want a
boyfriend right now, that's all.

What kind of 14-year-old girl
doesn't want a boyfriend?

I'm busy.

- Busy with what?
- With stuff.

I'm thinking of running
for Class President.

Oh wait, for real?

Yeah. I mean, maybe.
I just... I don't know.

I don't know if I'm the type of
person that people would vote for.

Not really.
Even like or whatever, so.

Why wouldn't they like ya?

You're smart,
you're kind, you're pretty.

You can do a frigging
underwater handstand!

- Ma...
- I'm just saying, I would vote for ya.

Hey, you know what?

I never actually graduated.

Maybe I can go back and finish the
tenth grade just so I can vote for ya.

Oh, yeah, thanks.
I'm sure your one vote

would really just
send me over the top.

Maybe.

I don't know. I'm just not the type
of person that people notice, so.

Well, how are they gonna notice ya
if your nose is always in a book?

Okay, well, college admissions
officers will notice me, so...

Here. It's my turn
to teach you something.

If you want something, you
gotta go out and get it.

And you can get anything
you want if people like ya.

It's all about accentuating
what you already got.

Now, I'd like to tell you the
titties are coming, but they're not.

From both sides of the family,

you come from a long line of
tit-less women. So turn up the charm.

Hey, handsome.

Uh, two pinas coladas, please.

Uh, make one of 'em
virgin for her,

or half-virgin. I'm not sure.

Ma...

And can you just, uh, add it to
the tab you got going from 219?

And the name?

Graciella Campos.

- Thank you, Ms. Campos.
- Thank you.

What?

It's just a teeny
tiny little lie.

The real Graciella would dispute
the charges, victimless crime.

Okay. Well, you just named
the victim and the crime.

Plus, you literally
just said if people like you,

you can get whatever you want.

Well, sometimes,

to get people to like you,
you gotta not be you at all.

I gotta piss wicked.

Okay, now remember, you're the
daughter of Graciella Campos,

we're visiting from Philly for
the medical supply convention.

Just give 'em some details
that sound like you're the kid

of someone
that sells doctor shit.

Well, gee, thanks, Ma. You're really
giving me a lot to work with here.

Will you please flirt
with that lifeguard?

- Have him rub some of this on you, okay?
- Stop! Jesus!

Hey. Hi. That's my daughter.

Could be a possum.

It's fuckin' meowin'.

Possums don't fuckin' meow.

All of a sudden, you got a
fucking PhD in possums now?

A Possum hD?
What the fuck do you know?

It's a fucking cat, you idiot.

Maybe we can keep 'em.
Name him Drake.

We're not keepin'
that fuckin' cat.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, what the fuck
are you doing? Hey!

I'm just scaring 'em out of the wall.
They hate this shit.

You know who else
hates this fucking shit? Huh?

Me. Cut it out.

I fucking told you.
Meowing possums.

What'd I tell you about
hitting in this household, huh?

Now, where's your mother
and your sister?

Your ma's not
answerin' her texts.

I don't know. Ma mentioned something
about goin' on a girls' day or some shit.

She said what?
When'd she say that?

When I asked her
if I could come.

Get out. You're killing me.

Hey, how come we
never do a boys' day?

Because I can't stand
you two. Fuck!

- What the fuck is your deal?
- I got you good.

I have told you...

- Take it, take it...
- We got the cat. Boom!

Excuse me.

Can I ask who it was
you were staying with again?

Uh, I'm, uh...

Graciella's kid.

Um, Campos.

We're here with the, um,
the medical supply convention.

Well, you know, she is. My mom.

She's a doctor. You know,

heart monitors.

And, uh, she's my mom.

Hey.

What the hell's
going on over here?

Someone's been charging items
to Graciella Campos' account

without Graciella's permission.

Yeah? Well, I'm Graciella.

And did you get to the bottom
of the particular situation?

I'm terribly sorry, ma'am.

Perhaps there was
a mix-up at the register.

Uh, I'm sorry,
There's no mix-up.

I'm Graciella Campos.

And that must be the other bathing
suit that was charged to my room.

Where'd you get
the bathing suit, miss?

Oh, I got this at, um...

Uh...

She's speechless. As am I.

I mean,
this is a goddamn outrage.

I don't know who this hag is,

this swindler,
but I'm Graciella Campos.

Oh! Okay, okay,
is this for real?

If she's the real Graciella, then prove it.
You got ID on you?

- I'm wearing a friggin' tankini!
- Oh, yeah?

Well, I do.

You motherfucker!

That's Mrs. Campos
to you, bitch!

All right. We wanna do everything we
can to avoid causing a scene here.

Oh, you do not wanna
fuck with me!

I will sully the name Courtyard
Park Hotel on TripAdvisor.

They'll be callin' it
Prisonyard Park Hotel!

Uh, you will hear
from my fucking lawyer.

I will Erin Brockovich
this bitch.

- Oh!
- Hey!

That's my fucking purse!

Hey!

No running!

- That lifeguard noticed ya!
- Yeah, I bet he did.

Oh.

Thanks!

Dang!

- Graciella is quite the party girl.
- Oh, God!

Kinda like this bitch now, huh?

Hmm.

What is it, kid?

I feel bad.

You feel bad? For what?

'Cause I messed up.
Completely forgot the lie.

- I fucking panicked.
- Hey! Hey...

Don't you ever apologize
for bein' better than me.

Ever.

You hear me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, I saw a sign at the hotel
that said, "Murphy Family Reunion."

Maybe go back tomorrow
and be Murphys.

I don't think we can go back
to the Courtyard Park Hotel

for a very long time.
Probably ever.

Fuck the Courtyard Park Hotel.
DoubleTree's got free cookies.

I hate those cookies.

Yeah. So does my ass, but that
don't stop me. Get that, will you?

Hey, don't tell
your father you drove.

Hey. Where the fuck
were you two, huh?

At the library. At the library?
Really?

Come here.

Ah, your breath
don't smell like books.

Well? Where?

Courtyard Park Hotel.

What? Again with the pool-hoppin'
shit, Donna? Come on!

Hey, build me a pool, and I don't have
to drive to the west side to find one.

You're in construction
for Christ's sake.

Just build a hole in the
ground and fill it with a hose.

- I'm gonna dig a hole back there, right?
- Yeah.

- And I'm gonna jump the fuck in, right?
- Finally!

So I don't have to deal with
you twos anymore, all right?

- Get in there.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- Okay, okay. Sorry, Daddy.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Get inside, will you?
- I'm gonna wash up for supper.

Hey, what is this? I don't remember
buying you a goddamn bathin' suit.

You didn't. Graciella did.

Wait, who the fuck is Graciella?

She paid for your daughter's
bathin' suit, so quit your bitchin'.

Hey. No, no. Come here.

Don't be draggin' our daughter
into your schemin' shit.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I've been a bad girl.
- Yeah.

I know, but I don't want
Delilah bein' a bad girl.

Hey, Delilah's a good kid, okay?

All right, look, baby,
one Donna's trouble enough.

The world don't
need another one.

- I got you something.
- What did you get me?

No, you didn't! Oh, my
God, you got me clams!

Do they come with the bellies?

Because I am not paying
for a box of breadcrumbs.

Oh, come on, who loves you?

You do.

Oh, you're disgusting,
you know that?

What's that smell?

Tuna. Tryin' to get a cat
from the wall.

Supposedly a cat.

It's a fuckin' cat. When I find
it, I'm gonna strangle this thing.

Hey! You better not be
wastin' my goddamn tuna.

You fucking open it, you eat it.

Hey! Sit down. We're sittin' at
the table like proper people!

- God. Geez.
- Stop kidding around.

Your sister has
an announcement to make.

- I do?
- Yeah. Tell 'em about the school thing.

Tell 'em.

I'm running for Class President.

What? No, that shit's
just a popularity contest.

- No.
- Yeah, so what?

What, are you popular
all of a sudden now, Dee, huh?

Not really.

She thinks she's better than
people 'cause she reads books.

You're just jealous 'cause
you can't even read.

- I can read.
- Okay, Carl,

spell "restaurant".

I'm eatin' right now. What is
this, fucking Harvard school?

Because you can't.

- I can. You know what I can spell? "Fuck you!"
- Try it then.

- Fuck you!
- Hey, hey! Shut up, already!

Hey, hey, hey. Shut the fuck up!

I think this election
thing will be good for her.

You know, get her
out of her shell.

I mean, she'd be popular.
She's just quieter.

Why does she care if people
fucking like her or not?

I mean, fuck them.

If people aren't assholes now,
they're gonna become assholes later.

Mark my fucking words, Del.

Yeah, well, you got
a big head start.

All right, thanks for the pep
talk, everybody. I gotta study.

Nerd!

Del! Hey, hey, hey! Come here!

Come here, come here.

Come on. I'll take you
to the store tomorrow

and we'll get some
poster boards and sequins

and glitter, and Puffy
paint and all that.

You can't win a campaign
without campaign posters, huh?

Who's gonna pay for all
this, your friend Graciollo?

Because I ain't paying
for fucking shit.

Yeah, you are. She's gonna win this thing.
Mark my words.

Well, it's a waste of time and
it's a waste of goddamn money.

Hey, eat your clam bellies,
you goddamned Gloomy Gus.

I saw his head!

Shit. You okay?

I swear to Christ, I'm gonna put him
in the wall with that goddamn cat.

You and I are raising a couple
of fucking morons, you know that?

And one future
fuckin' President!

- Go study!
- Go get 'em, kid.

Would you get your elbows
off the goddamn table?

Hey, I'm fucking fine.

It's okay, Ted.

Hey, excuse me, do you have a minute
to talk about the blood drive?

Hey, we need volunteers
to pour the orange juice.

I'm gonna punch someone in the
face till they need a blood drive.

Chill, we'll just
go table to table.

You know, meet the people.

No, I hate the people.

Well, I need
the people to like me,

so smile for once in your life.

You're in an oddly upbeat mood.

My mom's helpin' me
run for Class President.

Damn.

Your mom? For real?

Hey, be nice.

I don't know what's
more surprising,

you putting yourself
out there like this...

Or your fuckin' mom
bein' helpful.

All right. Give her a break.
You know she tries.

Sometimes.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hi, I'm Del. This is Natalie.

This a gay-straight
alliance thing? Or...

I hate the people.

Well, we're holdin'
a blood drive next week.

It's for our hockey team.

You know, our goalie
got hurt pretty bad.

Dude took a blade
to the jugular.

Vein just ripped open,

and blood was spurtin'
everywhere like a fuckin' faucet.

He almost bled to death
right on the ice,

and then, when the
paramedics finally came,

they were slippin' and
slidin' in all this blood

and one of 'em
actually threw up.

That was a fuckin' shit show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, you
know, they was able to save him,

thanks to people chipping
in and donating their blood,

much like you guys.
So, what do you think?

What's in it for me?

Uh, the satisfaction
of helpin' others?

Do we get out of class?

Yes.

Should've just opened with that.

Hey, uh, while I'm here, I'm
also running for Class President,

so, you know, maybe if you
like, you could vote for me.

I'll let you copy
my English homework.

Oh, yeah. She's a
fuckin' English savant.

I don't know what that means.
Y eah, exactly.

But with her doing your
homework, you won't have to, so.

Works for me.

Hey, uh, didn't you and
your dumpster-fire of a mom

get thrown out the Courtyard
Park Hotel the other day?

It's Oxy, right? Not crack.

- Or is it both?
- Hey, Ugly Betty, eat a dick.

You know what?

I'm thinking' I'll run
for Class President.

Maybe my campaign platform
could be "Crack is Whack."

Yeah, I heard Eric Powers
liked your crack.

By the way, just because
you take it in the ass

doesn't mean
you're still a virgin.

So, yeah. Fuck you!

Thanks. I'm sure that'll
help me get elected.

Oh, fuck 'em.

Hey, why do you care what
those bitches think, anyway?

I don't. Fuck those hoes.

I gotta go.
My ma's picking me up.

I'll see ya tomorrow.

Where's Ma?

She don't feel so good.

Just get in.

Come on, get in.

Mmm.

Hey, Del.

This shit's expensive.

Yeah, well,
this shit's necessary.

How are people supposed to vote
for me if they don't know who I am?

Well, I'll tell you what. You
don't need a fucking poster board.

All you need's
a black sharpie, right?

You want to remind
people to vote for you,

you could write your name
on the bathroom walls.

That's how I got
your mom's number.

Ma promised puffy paint.

Hey, what are you doing'? Hmm?

I like the pink, but I think the
green might be more gender-neutral.

Gender what? The fuck
is gender-neutral?

Hey, look. Look at me.

I ain't buying you both, okay?

So just pick one, so we could
please get the fuck outta here.

This would have been
more fun with Ma.

Yeah, well, clearly,
your mother's not here.

I know.

Hey, kid. What are
you, what are you...

What are you doing
all this for, huh?

- What?
- All this shit.

You know, this goddamn
popularity contest.

Doing all this fake shit
for votes? Come on.

I don't know, I like helpin' people.
That so bad?

There's a cheaper way
of helping people.

By doing nothing and staying
out of the fucking way.

You know, it's better
than begging for attention

from a bunch of
fucking jack-wagons

who ain't worth
your weight in spit.

Maybe I wanna be
noticed for once.

For something good. Okay?

I notice you. And you know,
your ma, she notices you.

Yeah, well, people don't always
say nice things about me.

Well, not me,
but you know what I mean.

About your ma, you mean?

Go with the green.

You know, green
reminds people of money

'cause people
are fucking greedy.

- You think?
- Yeah, no doubt.

We don't need the puffy paint.

Fuck that. We're getting
the fuckin' puffy paint,

we're getting
the scented markers.

You and me,
we're gonna have a party.

Come on.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

What the fuck are you
two bozos doin' now?

Trying to smoke out the cat.

Smoking out the...

What are you, fucking crazy? You're
gonna burn down my goddamn house.

Give me that. Come on, come on.
Chop-chop.

Smoke out a cat, huh? Stop it.

My kids...

Del, can you do me a favor?

Can you, uh, paint on this,

just, uh, so you don't make a mess
and don't fuck up my table, please?

Table's already fucked up.

Yeah, 'cause, uh, somebody...

Doesn't know how
to use a fucking coaster.

"Coastas," he says! All the
sudden, this guy's pushin' coastas.

Martha Stewart over here.

Come on, darling, You can use
anything as a frigging coaster.

Here, why don't you use
one of Del's books, huh?

- Come on, now! Donna!
- Shit!

- It's okay. It's okay.
- No, it's not!

Hey, hey, hey, relax. I'll
help her make another one.

Do you know how much
this shit costs, huh?

No.

No, you wouldn't, because you
didn't show up at the craft store

like you were
supposed to, did you?

God, quit being fucking cheap.

It's not about me
being cheap, all right?

You're a fuckin' embarrassment.

- Daddy, don't...
- No!

Your daughter here
is bustin' her ass

tryin' to become
school president

and you're not helping her.

All of her friends snickering,

- gossiping about your...
- My what?

What are they saying'? Hmm?

I'm going' outside for a beer.

Alone.

Dad, that is a great idea.
I'm coming with you.

Hey, dummy, what the
fuck I just say, huh?

I didn't say nothing' about you.

You know, he's just,
he's being...

I'm sorry.

What'd I tell you about apologizing
for being better than me?

Stop it.

He'll calm down.

He can call me
whatever he wants.

He says things,
that's what he does.

What about...

"What the Hell, Vote for Del?"

Kinda love that.

That's 'cause it's fuckin' good.

Wow, you should've been
an artist or something.

I dabbled back in the day.

You dabbled?

Graffiti mostly.

- It's perfect.
- Hmm.

All right, now let me hear
that speech of yours.

- No, it's not ready yet.
- Hey...

They're gonna
fuckin' love you, kid.

How do you know that?

Because I fuckin' love ya.

So they have
to at least like ya.

Or I'll kill 'em.

- Come on.
- Okay.

Okay.

Good morning, Hagler.

My name's Del Luccetti and I'm
running for Class President.

That's my daughter!

If elected, I promise to
not make any stupid promises

that I can't keep.

Because when I decide
to do something,

I always follow through

because I like helpin' people.

So that's why we're finally gonna
wash those rancid P.E. pinnies.

We're gonna put free tampons
in all the girls' bathrooms

and we're gonna spackle
over that peephole.

Coach Porter left in
the boys' locker room

before his "early retirement."

Whoo!

Del's a crack baby!

Uh...

Uh, listen, you can... You
can call me whatever you want.

You don't have to like me,

but you should know
that I like you

and I wanna do good stuff.

Like this blood drive
we're having for Gordie.

Um...

So I... I hope you'll
let me help you.

So...

What the hell, Vote for Del.

Peace.

I liked your speech.

Oh.

I mean, they called me a crack baby,
but at least they knew my name.

Um, for real, though,

Gordie is, like,
one of my best friends.

I'm on the team, too.

- Oh, no shit.
- Yeah.

That blood drive thing,
that's a dope idea.

Thanks for giving a shit
and doing something.

- Most people don't.
- Yeah. Thanks.

So your mom, she's a...
She's riot, huh?

Yeah, yeah. She's a maniac,
but she's pretty fun.

You should come over to our game sometime.
You know, watch us play.

You can bring your mom.

Um, or, uh... Or no.
I mean, just you can come.

- Whatever's good.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'll come.

Okay.

I'll see you around.

Ma!

Hey. Where's Ma?
I gotta tell her something.

Ah, Delilah.

My speech, it went...
She's gotta hear this.

- Hey. Delilah, Delilah.
- One second. I gotta go tell Ma.

Delilah, please just come here.

What's wrong?

Look, I, um...

I gotta tell you
something, okay?

But you got to...

You gotta swear to me.

You gotta promise me
that you're not gonna cry.

Okay?

Look, your, um...

Your mother,
she did something...

She did something really stupid.

And she's, uh...

Delilah, she's not...
She's not coming back.

Your ma is gone.

They said it was, uh...

They said it was an accident.

Hey, you promised me
you weren't gonna cry.

Don't cry.

I'm not gonna cry.

Hey. Why are you avoiding me?

I'm not.

How are you?

What do you think?

Sorry, that was a stupid
fucking question. I...

Uh...

Hey, you know, the
election's in two days.

Maybe I could help you hand
out buttons or somethin'.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

You know, you wanted
everyone to like you,

so maybe people are gonna vote
for you 'cause they feel bad.

No offense, though.

Uh, you gonna do
that blood drive?

- It might be a good distraction from the...
- Yeah.

Hey, pizza boats at lunch!

Someone's gonna need to be the
fucking captain of that boat!

Miss, are you all right?

What's your name?

My name's Julie Campos.

I'm the daughter
of Graciella Campos.

We're here for the
Medical Supply convention.

The convention was last week.

Del, are you gonna be all right?

Hey.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear
about what happened and everything.

It's super sad, and...

You know, I'm just sorry and
everything for you and your family.

Del, what the fuck
are you doing?

Del! You're okay?

Del. Hey, what happened?

Which one of you suffered, huh?

- You take him yet?
- Of course.

- Oh, shit.
- The fuck is this?

What the fuck?

I found the cat.

Next on Wayne...

Hey! Give me that back!

The fuck? Put me down!

I'll go to fucking school!

Hey!

Stop, stop, stop!

This is Vice Principal
Walt from Alabaster High.

- Your daughter got detention today...
- Oh...

You got two options.

Come up with a speech that inspire
people to donate to our school

or half-ass
like you done your whole life.

I'm gonna go with B.

I just think if you wanna
stay, you should stay.

So where the fuck are you going?

You're gonna have
more fun without me.

So you're just gonna
fucking leave? Dick.