All language subtitles for Corporate.S01E05.Corporate.Retreat.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-CtrlHD

Oh, I'll have a Bloody Mary. Thanks.

Oh, I wonder if the hotel has a pool.

Matt, no. I forbid you to go swimming.

This is the corporate retreat,
not MTV's Spring Break.

Jake, this is the closest
I've had to a vacation in years.

All I wanna do is have some fun

and maybe drunkenly say something

way too personal to a coworker
that I'll always regret.

Matt, look. This weekend
is about one thing:

forming superficial
relationships with people

you can exploit in the future.
It's called networking.

"Shirley Moser, SVP Marketing.

"Son banned from Wal-Mart

after Sudafed incident"? What is this?

It's everyone I met at
last year's retreat.

Names, emails, and one
dark secret per person

for possible future blackmailing.

Well, you're a well-organized sociopath.

If you're over 30 and
don't have a spreadsheet

of everyone you've ever met,
you're behind in life.

I'm so bad with names. And faces.

I have close friends
whose names I don't know.

Oh, my God!

I knew it! I knew our pilot sucked.

He was too folksy on the PA.

Jake, I just want you
to know that you're

my best friend... at work.
You're my best work friend.

Oh, my God! I've wasted my whole life!

I forgive you.

Are we... okay?

Good news.

That crash you just experienced

was just a simulation.

Surprise! And our apologies
if you were traumatized.

Fun fact: Coworkers who have co-survived

a near-death experience are more bonded

than coworkers who have
not almost co-died together.

So, congrats! Oh,
and if your final thoughts

weren't of Hampton DeVille,
then you've got a lot

of work to do this weekend.
Happy retreat!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Hello, and welcome,
Hampton DeVillionaires...

To the first day of the rest

of your corporate lives.

Now, go ahead, put your hands together

for "Inside Trader" magazine's

most motivating motivational speakers

of 2012, 2013, and 2K-16...

Jeff and Gretchen Palmer!

Re-certivity!

Re-turbulation.

Acrownting.

Analystix.

- Constanceuance.
- Inter-trans-deviation.

Sporg.

None of those words
made any sense, right?

But you listened to them. Why?

Because we said them with confidence.

That's not funny.

Just laugh. If you
pretend to be brainwashed,

they can't brainwash you.

"Team." That's a real word,
isn't it, Jeff?

That's right, Gretch.
In fact, every corporation

is kind of like a team, right?

Hell, every marriage
is like a team, right, hon?

And my husband Jeff and I
are the ultimate team.

Do you wanna know why?

Do you want to know why?

Because we are total...

AHOLEs!

That's right!

"Alphas Who Only Like Excellence."

That's what we are,
and that's what you can be.

Who out there, Hampton DeVille,
wants to be an AHOLE?

Come on! Anybody?

What are you doing? Never participate.

Hey, how about you? All right, this guy!

All right, look at
this big, tall giraffe.

Okay?

Tell everyone your name,
you big, tall giraffe.

Uh, it's Matt.

Human being, not a giraffe.

All right. Hey, took a lot of courage

to volunteer like that, Matt.

Oh, yeah, no. I mean,
all I did was raise my hand.

It's not rocket science, right?

Okay, Matt. Um, let's go ahead,

and let's do a little hypothetical.

Let's say you're at
a restaurant, and you find

a little hair inside of your food.

How do you handle that situation?

Oh, I mean, I'd probably
just take the hair out

and still eat the food.

I don't sweat the small stuff.

- Oh.
- Wow.

Wow. That truly is amazing.

Let's applaud for that. That's amazing.

Yeah, yeah. That's amazing.
You know why it's amazing?

'Cause I've never seen
raw human dog shit talk.

- What?
- Whoa, he keeps making noises!

This is some talkative dog shit.

Seriously, Matt.

I mean, you must really
think of yourself as

unflushed toilet water
to think that you deserve

to eat food with hair in it.

I think that it is clear to me,

to my baby Jeff,
to everyone in this room,

that you are a very weak person.

Would you agree with that statement?

No, I don't think so.

Wrong answer, toilet giraffe.

But guess what? We are gonna mold you

from a weak pile of dog shit into an...

- AHOLE!
- Yeah!

Yeah! Come on, guys.

Am I a weak person?

Well, you're definitely weak.

I don't know if you're a person.

I just always thought
of myself as confident.

You think I'm confident, right, Jake?

- No.
- Okay, that's fair.

Now let's get dressed.

We're going to the networking mixer.

I'm not really in a networking mood.

The whole company thinks
I'm a toilet giraffe.

I think I'm just gonna go to the pool.

Nobody's ever in a networking mood.

It's just something we do to survive,

like lying to your therapist.

Now let's go trick
some people into liking us.

Oh... Okay.

And how's that lovely
girlfriend of yours, Seth?

And how's that adorable son
of yours, Connie?

And how's your prostate, Jerry?

And how's that adorable little
daughter of yours, Melanie?

Dead. And my name is Julie.

Do you guys like politics, or...

Do you wanna network with me?

- Great.
- You know what, never mind.

I'm sorry, I don't know
why I'm apologizing so much,

but I've been saying sorry
to a lot of people tonight.

Hopefully we can be
business partners, or...

We can stay in touch.
We'll stay in touch.

I'll put you in an Excel spreadsheet.

Nice talking to you, Tim,

and good luck with your worm farm!

Hey, my contacts!

Pssh. Bill Patterson?
He'll give his card

- to the bathroom attendant.
- Well, I have a comprehensive

Excel spreadsheet
with over 500 names, emails,

and personal details, so
I think I know how to network.

Excel, huh? That's cute.
I use Google Docs myself

'cause I'm actually serious
about networking.

"Jake Levinson, Junior
Executive in Training."

Pleasure to meet you.

"Natasha Riggs, Junior VP
of HD Analytics." Same.

I'd love to keep in touch, Natasha.

Are you trying to network with me?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

I didn't know you laugh.

I do. Hey, I'll have
another piña colada.

- Make it two.
- You know, John, it has

been great to get to know you
outside the office,

- get to know the real you, et cetera.
- Yeah.

Along those lines, here's an idea...

and I'm open to discussion on it.

- Okay.
- What if we fucked?

Huh. Well, that's interesting.

I'm definitely open to the idea.

Should we maybe make a list
of pros and cons?

Oh, yeah. Excellent suggestion.

- Great.
- Okay, here's a pro.

Retreat sex is the best sex.

True. Pro: Sex between us could be

- a team-building exercise.
- True.

Now here's a con.

Sex could be the biggest mistake

- of our lives.
- Oh, for sure.

Excuse me, bartender? Excuse me.

Bartender! Bourbon, neat,

and a vodka soda with two limes
for my lady. Thank you, sir.

Oh, hey, Matt.
Didn't see you there at all.

Do you want something from the bar?

I've got the bartender's attention.

Guess I'll take a whiskey.

Whiskey, please. For my friend.

Hey. Sorry for singling you
out back there before.

I know that can feel
pretty embarrassing,

but it really is a good thing.

First step to being
a fully confident human being

is to be truly ashamed of yourself.

We're actually throwing
a seminar tomorrow

for the highers-up.

If you want to join,
there's an open slot.

Why? So you can call me
"dog shit giraffe" again?

Uh, no, probably not.

Look, there is something
truly great in you.

You just gotta tap that potential.

Seminar's tomorrow at
9:00 a.m. by the swimming pond.

Let's pretend this is a safe space.

Sharing intimate secrets
with coworkers can

bond us together
and increase communication

in the workplace.

Now, who wants to share first?

I never admitted this before, but...

I hate my grandkids. They just suck.

One time I hit a deer with my car...

because I wanted to.

Look, I am just gonna
say this: I am a cutter,

and that works for me.

And that's when I realized

I had inadvertently helped do 9/11.

- Beautiful.
- So, so great. Gorgeous.

Let's all give Ted
a big round of applause

and help him feel supported.

Support Ted.

Okay, seems like everyone has shared.

Except for you, Matt.

Matt, why so shy?

Oh, yeah, I-I don't
really know if this is for me.

I might just go for a swim.

Come on, Matt. We've all shared

with each other, except for you.

Just tell us something simple.
Be confident.

Like, how did you lose your virginity?

Oh. Uh...

Okay. Well, I was in college,

and it was Halloween night,
and we were watching a movie.

Spooky. What movie?

I'd rather not say.

Come on, come on.

It was "Hocus Pocus."

Excellent film.

Anyway, I got distracted by the movie,

and it lasted way too long,

and that's the end of that story.

No, no, no, no. It's not, Matt.

We gotta go way, way deeper.

Way deeper.

I fully trust you with my heart and mind

to close-shave me
with a straight-edge razor.

I accept and honor your trust

and wish you the very best of luck.

Well, look who's here.

Ow, my face.

Oh, sorry, Cliff, but you moved.

Didn't think you were the trust-shave,

team-building type.

Oh, so you were thinking about me.

Now I have a personal tidbit
to put about you in

my Excel spreadsheet:
"Thinks about Jake... A lot."

And I have something to put
about you in my Google Doc:

"Suffers from narcissistic
personality disorder."

Wanna get out of here?

Fine. Twist my arm.

Jake?

I fully trust you
with my heart and mind.

And then Bette Midler
sang a Broadway rendition

of "I Put a Spell on You,"
and then I, uh...

- Give it to us, Matt.
- Share, Matt.

I camed.

Good work, Matt. Good work.

Give Matt a hug. Show him some support.

Everybody touch his body.

Wrap your arms around his neck
and love him.

So, yeah, basically, I analyze data,

and I put it into graphs and whatever.

I'm extremely good at it,

and I wake up every morning
wanting to die.

You wanna die? I wanna die.

- We have so much in common.
- Mm-hmm.

I bet we're missing some
great seminars right now.

Oh, yeah. I had my eyes
on the "How to Embezzle Money

While Still Looking
Really Awesome" seminar,

but I already kind of
know how to do that.

Ooh, we're not
the only ones playing hooky.

See that redheaded guy about to dive in?

- Mm-hmm.
- Greg Wilkins, chief of

product development, HD San Francisco.

And he cheats on his wife
with Julie Powell,

VP Hampton DeVille, west Oregon.

Hmm.

You're not married, are you?

No, I'm not, which severely decreases

the chances that we'll
have sex on this retreat.

Wait, Mark Cuban, Condoleezza Rice,

and the Barefoot Contessa
are all AHOLEs?

Mm-hmm, and her husband Jeffrey.

Really, you're no different
from any of them, Matt.

We think you're special, Matt.

I can feel your confidence growing.

Just a few more exercises
and you'll be a full AHOLE.

Oh yeah. Big-time AHOLE.

Come on, let's pray.

Heavenly Father, thank you
for giving me the confidence

to purchase this food
with my hard-earned money,

which I got without any of your help,

because you don't exist. Amen.

- Amen!
- Amen.

Let's eat.

Ew, gross. There's a hair in my food.

Oh. Yeah, gross.

I guess mistakes happen, huh?

Look, why don't you just throw it out

and move on with your life,
like you said, right?

N... no. I deserve better than this.

I'm gonna say something.
Excuse me, waitress?

There's a problem with my food,
when you get a second.

Can I help you, sir?

I certainly hope you can help me.

Look at this hair. My dinner is ruined.

Stronger, Matt.

I mean, you ruined it.

You ruined my dinner.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I'll get you a new Cobb salad.

No, let me finish. I'm a human being

and essentially an executive,
and I deserve respect.

Of course, sir.
I'll comp the salad and then...

- Get her, Matt.
- I'll go get you another one.

Fuck you! I hope you die.

Easy, easy. Good, but...

Ruin her day, not her life.

Good, though. Good stuff.

So I've just been
going to parties lately

- and stealing things.
- I think that's smart.

- Thanks.
- So... This is me.

Well, I... I would invite myself in,

but I never mix sex and networking.

Probably for the best.

Having sex with me is like
having sex on ecstasy.

You'll be depressed
for six months afterwards.

I really gotta thank you guys.

Without you, I never would have had

the confidence to stand up for myself.

You should thank yourself, Matt.

You're the one
who made that waitress cry.

Well, thanks, me.

Man, I feel like a whole new person.

You know, that's great, Matt.

But right behind this door
is the final test.

Whoa, wait. I'm sorry. What's going on?

I thought you two were married.

Well, exactly. We're a team.

I'm gonna watch.

Oh! Oh...

I'm so happy we're doing this, finally.

- You're doing great.
- Thank you.

You're doing so well.

Oh! Yes.

I was a virgin until we had sex.

- Oh my God.
- Yeah.

I hated it. I'm never gonna do it again.

So you're in love with me now?

Uh, Matt? Could you give us
a minute or go away forever?

Do whatever you're gonna do.

Nothing can shock me anymore.

I'm confident now.

- Well, we fucked.
- Yes! Yes, we did.

It was a pleasure sleeping with you.

- You as well.
- Mm.

Nice, firm handshake, there.

- Yeah.
- Never noticed

quite how firm your handshake was.

It's firm.

- Shall we, uh...
- Yeah, let's go do some...

- Get those emails?
- ...on my email, so...

So you were used as a sex toy

by a couple of cult leaders.

Some people would pay for that.

- I'm a human dildo.
- Sure, but,

someday you'll connect with someone.

Or maybe you won't.
Some people never do.

I just don't wanna see

Jeff and Gretchen
at the closing ceremony.

It's gonna be so awkward.

I'm actually really looking
forward to the closing ceremony.

Natasha's gonna be there.

I have this weird, warm feeling

where I actually wanna see her again.

Isn't that Natasha over there?

- Oh, my God.
- Sorry.

He's got a great butt.

Your eyes are beautiful with this...

Hey, what is this?

Hey, Jake Levinson.

Excuse me, I'll be right back

to sort out all these crazy cards.

Jake, why are you acting
like some jealous boyfriend

all of a sudden?

Well, because...

Didn't yesterday mean anything to you?

Oh. Hey, Jake, I'm sorry.

It was just networking.

Yeah... Yeah, me too.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah, I'm just gonna
go give my cat a quick call.

Ah, damn it.

Oh, you're the waitress from last night.

I'm not a waitress anymore.

After you yelled at me,

the resort demoted me to janitorial.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I-I never yell like that.

Here, let me help you.

No! Just, please...

Leave me alone.

Some executive puked on the pool deck,

and I gotta go mop it up
before it dries.

My wife and I fuck animals and men.

- Yeah...
- Hey, I need to

- talk to you two.
- Ooh!

- Oh, hey!
- Matt, how are you?

- Hey, buddy boy.
- Touching you.

- Look at these little nips...
- Stop!

- Whoa!
- Stop touching me.

- Okay, okay.
- You know that waitress

got demoted because of us?

What, do you feel guilty?
Don't feel guilty.

No, no, no. Guilt?

Guilt is just insecurity
leaving the body.

Besides, we're the ones who
planted the hair in your food,

so you shouldn't
feel guilty about anything.

What?

Oh! We gotta go, that's our cue.

- This was great.
- Yeah, it was.

All right, team Hampton DeVille,

give it up for yourselves!

Yeah! We learned a lot this weekend.

Learned a lot about teamwork,

learned a lot about management,

and we learned a lot about each other.

Ted? Your secret's safe with us.

Whoopsie!

Now, step forward if you are ready

to be baptized and reborn an AHOLE!

- Yeah! Come up here, AHOLE.
- Look at this AHOLE.

Come on up here, you fucking nerd.

All right, hold your breath.

AHOLE, AHOLE.

- All right!
- Yeah.

Whoo! I love this company!

All right, who's next?
Get up here, lady!

Here we go!

AHOLE, AHOLE!

Oh, yeah, come on, big boy.

AHOLE, AHOLE!

Yeah! Look at this wet hamster.

Come on up here.

Fucking whatever, just do it.

We will!

All right, see ya later, sad guy.

What a miserable AHOLE.
Oh, Matt's coming up here.

All right, Matt.
Come on, let us baptize you.

You know what? I'm not gonna do this.

Yay! My turn!

Shut up, Ted! Don't you guys see?

Jeff and Gretchen are full of shit.

This whole AHOLE program
is full of shit.

Also, this isn't a baptism.
This is waterboarding.

Uh, great share, Matt.
That was really...

It's not a fucking share.

Okay. Everyone, look at Matt.

On the first day, he was
half giraffe, half dog shit.

And now look at him.
He is a total AHOLE.

Congratulations, Matt.

Fuck this. I'm going to the pool.

- You're welcome, Matt.
- Come on, Teddy, let's do it!

All right, Ted's weird. He likes it.

He wants it too much.

Oh, come on.

God, really? I'm not
falling for this again.

Did you arrange for another...

No, did you?

- No.
- No?

Everyone stay calm!

Jesus, what do they do to you
on that retreat?

I'm sorry. What... what was that?

- Oh.
- Oh.

That... that's what I was gonna say too.

Oh. Ohh...

- That's great. Yeah.
- Okay.

- Any critici...
- No.

- Okay.
- None right now.

Okay, great.