Original subtitles

Get the birthday candle ready because...

...here comes Chestnut's carrot cake.

I know we want this to be special, but Chestnut is a horse.

Any day he's not being made into an IKEA meatball is a birthday.

And remember, even though it's his 10th birthday...

...we have to pretend he's 6 or he'll be in a bad mood all week.

Surprise.

-Happy birthday, Chestnut. -Happy birthday, Chestnut.

Max. He was supposed to do that.

What? I know what he wished for.

That one day, he and I live in a world where our love is recognized...

...and we have the same rights as gay couples.

There you go, baby.

Hey, look, his shoe just fell off.

Or maybe he kicked it off because he's getting ready to party.

What are we gonna do? We don't have any money.

I wanted a massage, so I just sat next to someone on the bus...

...who looked like he'd touch me.

I may have an idea how we can get them.

A guy I picked up at Oktoberfest is a blacksmith. At least I think he was.

I remember a leather apron and something being heated in a fire.

Well, I found my blacksmith.

He now shares an artisan barn with a lady who makes clothing out of bees.

That's why our cupcake shop didn't work.

We weren't providing a service that everyone needs.

He looked at our boy, and not only does Chestnut need four new shoes...

...he has a hoof fungus.

A hoof fungus? That's so ghetto.

I'm pretty sure he got it from me because we shower together.

And the cost of new shoes and vet fee, $1400.

Ugh, Max, I feel awful. I'm a bad mother.

You're not a bad mother. I know bad mothers. I came out of one.

Ladies, what's happening over there?

You know a gathering of more than two white people makes me nervous.

-Earl, one of them's Asian. -Ah, same thing.

Who would I talk to about the diner?

We're interested in renting this location to film a TV show.

We think your diner would be a great place to kill someone.

I get it. Because every time I come in here, I die a little.

Here's my card. Tom Woo, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

Shut your face, Tom Woo.

I love all the Law & Orders, especially SVU.

Their stories are ripped from the headlines.

And I don't read the newspaper, so that's where I get all my news.

Cool. Let me go get the director. That's him.

Look how cute the director is.

He's my rugged-guy type. Not really rugged at all...

...but buys expensive rugged-looking clothing from Saks Fifth Avenue.

Hi, D.J. Kingsley.

Nice beard. You grow out that stubble, or just set your razor to "Jason Statham"?

Heh. Excuse me, sir.

You've got a great face. Have you ever done any extra work?

Well, I was in the 1973 classic, Scream, Blackula, Scream.

Pam Grier kicked me in the nuts and called me a jive turkey.

I'd love to have your look in the episode.

What about me? You can shave my head, drag me behind a car...

...or anything else I've already done for free.

Sure. And you must be an actress. You're way too pretty to just be a waitress.

Thank you, heh. In fact, I have done a little acting.

In high school, I portrayed Fantine in Les Misérables.

Just hearing you say that makes me miserable.

How about it? You wanna hang with me and be an extra on Special Victims Unit?

It pays 112 a day plus whatever you normally make in tips.

Oh, so about 115? I'm in. Mama needs a new pair of horse shoes.

So where's the boss?

I'm the boss. But I'll get the guy who owns the place.

Oleg, they're shooting a TV show here...

...and the back of my head or the side of my boob is gonna be in it.

Good for you, Max.

I was on Ukraine's version of Big Brother once...

...better known as "just living in Ukraine."

Han, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit wants to shoot in the diner...

...and if you don't say yes, you'll be my special victim when I cut your unit off.

Please say yes, Han. They're gonna pay us to be in the background.

But do you know how to act?

Actually we do.

My acting's Method, whereas hers is more meth head.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey, come in. And remember, if he says no, he doesn't mean it.

He just wants you to flirt with him a little bit.

Not so fast, Max.

Hello, I'm Han Lee, the owner and proprietor.

Oh, proprietor? That word's bigger than you are.

-What kind of compensation do you want? -Whoa, whoa, my Asian brother.

-Slow down. Let's enjoy the dance. -We'd like to shoot here.

-It's got the right amount of funk and skank. -Ah! If we do real good and get a spin-off...

...that'll be the name of our show, Funk and Skank.

Okay, but I don't wanna be Skank.

Oh, clearly I'm Skank.

And may I say I'm honored I have such a worthy opponent to barter with.

(SPEAKS IN KOREAN)

Dude, I'm from Pasadena.

I never thought I'd be on a TV show...

...where no one was yelling, "You are not the father."

MAN: Let's go. Bring in the waitress extras.

Ooh, I love these uniforms.

I feel like Brenda from 90210...

...when she was dressed as that '50s waitress at the Peach Pit.

Well, when we're the big stars of Funk And Skank...

...we won't have to wear any uniforms.

But wait, aren't Funk and Skank cops?

Uh, no, they're hookers.

How about a compromise? Cops by day, prostitutes by night.

You know, "cops-titutes."

Either way, we're New York's finest.

Okay, everybody, ready. Here we go.

(MAX GASPS)

-Look at Earl over there. CAROLINE: Good luck, Earl.

-Camera on the door. MAN: Scene eight, take one.

D.J.: And action. The shooter comes in.

And cut. You're in. Reset.

Earl, that was inspiring.

I hope everyone who sees you goes out and ignores a crime.

It was like that scene was about the cash register guy.

You really brought something extra. I smell an Emmy.

Oh, that's weed.

Hi. Sorry we haven't gotten to you guys yet.

Why don't you hang out in the office? I hear there's good sushi. You look pretty.

I think the director kind of likes me.

Well, I don't know about him, but his penis does.

Okay. Camera on the door.

MAN: Scene eight, take two.

D.J.: And action. The shooter comes in.

Bang, bang!

D.J.: Cut.

Excuse me. How did you get through?

Oh, please. I once got through the Berlin Wall.

You think two kids with walkie-talkies could stop me?

(LAUGHS)

Damn, this room's got a sweet spread.

Free sushi? Uh, yes.

Free dessert? Uh, duh.

This is great. We've gotta figure a way to get paid...

...to sit around, eat free food, and do nothing more often.

Oh, I think you cracked that code a long time ago.

Would it be tacky if I packed some sushi in my purse for later?

Already packed mine, already packed yours.

This is the VIP lounge.

See? The shrimp have already been de-turded.

Oh, hi, girls.

Oh, you finally got new uniforms. You look stupid.

These are from the Costume Department of a little show called...

...Law & Order: SVU that Max and I are co-starring in.

Co-stars? Honey, please. You two are just extras.

Um, extra paid and full of purse sushi.

They're ready for you two.

Oh. Be right there. Just gonna put my purse in the fridge.

-Thomas, Tom, T-Pain. Can we chat? -What is it, dude?

Your crew got soy sauce all over my computer.

And according to our agreement, you must pay all the damages.

-How much do you want? -Three hundred dollars.

-But it's a piece of crap. -But it was a gift from my father.

And you know how important family is in our culture.

Again, I don't. I was raised by two white women.

Oh, hey, hey.

Yes. Uh, who do I talk to about becoming a star?

This is so exciting.

God, that woman keeps pushing my head down.

I feel like I'm on a date with her.

You guys are behind the counter, doing your waitress thing.

Shooter aims for the cook but hits her, our featured waitress.

Hey, didn't I already see you on SVU? Oh, yeah, I remember.

They found your head in a mini-fridge in the Hudson. I knew I recognized you.

Wait, we've already killed you? Sorry, babe, you're out.

Aw. Well, you gave great head.

Tom, bump someone up to the featured waitress.

Pays a thousand more bucks.

That could be the money we need for Chestnut.

Could one of us do it?

Can you act like you've been hit with a bullet?

Uh, heh, well, it just so happens, I have been hit by a bullet twice.

Once in a 7-Eleven and once running away in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven.

So, yeah, I think I got this.

I'm thinking maybe a blond would be better. Caroline?

Well, I did have a pretty convincing death scene as Fantine.

And I died, like-- Well, should I just show you?

You are such a nerd.

That's great, Caroline. Special Effects, put the blood device on Caroline.

-She's our special victim. -Really? I got it?

Yes. But a little less French Revolution and a lot more "face down on the floor."

You can't take a shot. You can't even do a shot.

Don't be mad, Max. I'm doing this for Chestnut.

It's not my fault he liked my death scene.

He liked your death scene with his penis.

Wow, Max, show business really brings out the worst in you.

You haven't seen me at a wedding.

Hello? You just put your hand down a woman's blouse without asking?

Every day.

Well, um, here, can I help you?

No. It's a union thing.

-Aren't you in there a little long? -Yeah.

Caroline, that special-effects rig is very sensitive.

-Don't let anything near your chest. -Except me.

And don't be nervous.

The camera's gonna love you. How could it not?

D.J., stop flirting with me.

I'm gonna die soon and you'll never get over me.

Promise you'll die soon?

Max, I'm about to be shot and I can't die with bad blood between us.

We're good. You're living my dream, girl. Do me proud.

-I will. -No. Don't hug with it.

D.J.: Caroline, you set the thing off.

-We weren't rolling. -Really?

That's too bad, because that was gold.

That's a wrap, everybody. We'll pick it up tomorrow.

I'm so sorry, it just went off.

-Prettiest screwup all day. -Heh.

After you get cleaned up, why don't we have dinner?

-Dinner? Yeah, I'd like that. -Let's say 8.

My assistant will give you the address and my room number.

You know, this is exactly how you look in all my dreams where I shoot you.

The director just invited me to dinner at his hotel but it's in his room.

-Do you think he--? Is that why he--? -Yes. Yes.

-Will you come? -Yes.

-Maybe he thought my audition was really-- -No.

Uh, Caroline, next time, maybe a little less.

Remember, if this director slips you anything that looks like a SweeTart...

...it's that drug that knocks you out and distorts your memory.

At least that's what it does to the guys I give it to.

It's never gonna get to that. I have my own date rape drug.

I talk about myself incessantly till guys get bored and pass out.

If that doesn't work, what are your limits? Over sweater, under sweater?

A little front door, back door, a little secret staircase?

I don't know what that is but no one goes up my staircase.

Not even for Chestnut.

At the most, I'll do kissing.

You are thinking like an extra. You need to think like a star...

...if you're gonna buy Chestnut shoes, therapy, then a way out of Scientology.

Oh. Hi. You brought company.

Yes, she's my ride. We share a subway card.

She uses the card. I jump the turnstile...

...and she pretends to chase me, yelling, "Don't worry, I'll get her."

Well, come on in. Stay for a glass of champagne, Max.

Don't worry about taking the subway home. My driver can take you.

Now I'm torn. As much as I don't want you to have sex against your will...

...I do wanna roll up to the McDonald's in a limo.

There's no rush. Come, let's sit down and hang out.

It was really nice of you to invite me up here to have a casual, work-related dinner.

Max, there, Caroline, there, and me, well, here.

-Can't turn it off. Still directing. -Heh.

Oh. You know, I love this hotel. I came here once to do a photo shoot...

...for a "20 under-20 teen millionaires" spread...

...and I remember I had just gotten my hair cut...

...which was a big decision because I was kind of known for my long hair.

He wanted to take an inch, which doesn't sound big...

...but when you're known for your long hair...

...people are expecting to see you with long hair.

So was that okay?

Oh, heh, yeah, sure.

It's just Max is here and I don't want her to feel left out.

Sorry. Got it.

That was nice.

You're a good kisser. Ahem.

Are you eating a cinnamon Altoid?

I'm eating a cinnamon Altoid.

Well, then I just tasted you.

Look, D.J., I think you have the wrong idea.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Oh, hold that thought.

I would never interrupt this for a work call...

...but it's my wife and I wanna say good night to the kids.

That guy's a player.

I'm not talking my way out of this. We're screwed.

Yeah. He's got a high tolerance. Your "long hair" speech almost roofied me.

What do we do, Max? I don't want to offend him.

We need that extra money for Chestnut. This is the oldest tale in the book.

A woman forced to trade her body to get her child shoes.

It's Shakespearean, it's Dickensian, it's Kardashian.

Look at the bright side. You already thought he was sexy...

...so you were gonna sleep with him.

He's married. You know he won't cheat on you with somebody else...

...because you're that somebody else. You a side bitch.

No, Max. I can tell him how I feel. Besides, he probably already got it.

You heard me tell him he read the signs wrong.

Apparently the sign he read said, "Three-way up ahead."

Pretty good, right?

Hit show, wife, kids, I still find time to get to the gym.

So you guys need to drink a little more before we do this? Because I don't.

I'm just gonna say this before that towel comes off.

I think you've misread the signals here.

Really? That sucks.

I'm sorry. These things happen. It reminds me of that time I had tea...

...with that prince in Dubai and he thought he bought me.

Turns out, he bought a different blond.

Oh, men.

-Morning, D.J. -Morning.

See, Max? No hard feelings. I told you it was gonna work out.

Hi. I'm ready for my fake blood pouch.

Uh, I think you got the wrong breasts.

-But for a rough guy you got a soft touch. -Yup.

There's been a change.

Uh, Max is now getting featured and you're in the BG.

Background.

-These are real? -Yup.

Nice job.

You hear that, Max? Now I'm in the BG.

I didn't do D.J., so I'm in the BG.

Max, we have time for one full take before lunch...

...then we'll come back and do your coverage.

Hey, maybe you and I can have lunch in my trailer?

Well, I do love a trailer.

Okay, let's stay on schedule, people.

My kid's reading a poem at school.

By the way, your rack looks fantastic.

You seem like a great dad.

D.J., is this about last night, because I wouldn't wear a towel?

No, no, we're good.

I don't wanna see that. Bury her deep.

"Bury her deep"? Did he just say "bury her deep"?

Caroline, you need to work back there.

-Is this how Hollywood treats women? -This is how Hollywood treats everyone.

D.J.: Everybody ready.

Max, if you do this, you'll be getting paid for sex.

Well, it's about time.

Places, everyone.

CAROLINE: You don't have to do this. Chestnut is my horse.

D.J.: And action. Max, you're wiping the counter.

The killer comes in, you look up.

(MUMBLES) Don't do it. We can find the money somewhere else.

Cut. Tom, I don't want to see her.

TOM: Caroline. -Here they come.

TOM: Come on, everybody. Back to one.

And action. Max, you're wiping the counter.

The killer comes in, you look up.

Pickup.

(BELL RINGS)

Max, seriously, it's not worth it.

Cut. Get her out of there. Reset. Reset.

Sorry about all that, people.

Now let's give me the bullet I've been waiting for my whole life.

I haven't felt this unwanted...

...since I tried to teach those inner-city school kids how to knit.

You have to stay here away from the shot or neither of you is gonna be paid.

Hey, Tom, you know what this scene needs?

A little more cashier.

Boy, that crew is doing a lot of damage to this diner.

Well, I'm doing some damage to this fancy French water.

Hundred-fifty for the floor, 20 for the napkins they used, and....

And 55 bucks for that gorgeous picture of the city.

Well, this is ridiculous.

How much longer do I have to wait to be discovered?

Do what every other American would do. Skip the hard work and put out a sex tape.

No, I'm gonna go out there. Where's my lipstick?

Here, hold my Shake Weight.

And my Fresca.

Oh, hi.

Uh, who do I talk to about getting a part in this thing?

I mean, I already let the guy who puts out the cookies touch my boobs.

We don't have a guy who puts out cookies.

Yo.

Okay, everybody ready. Camera up.

Oh, he looks important.

-No. Stop. -No. Let go.

Not the blood switch.

(WAILS)

Someone shot Max!

Cut. Tom, get rid of Max too.

Get me another girl.

Typical.

Shoot on my chest and you're done with me.

Hi. You looking for a new girl?

Last time I looked like this...

...I was coming out of an acid trip and my friend Daniel was missing.

I gotta admit, getting shot felt kind of gangster waitress.

I'm like Notorious BLT.

So here's the deal. We'll pay you for yesterday...

...but not for today or for the featured extra.

-Say what? -Not so fast, my brother.

Here is the latest tally for my diner damage.

What's this last $1000 charge?

That is for the damage done to Max and Caroline.

According to crew scuttlebutt, the director tried some funny business last night.

This is not cool, dude.

It is most decidedly not cool, pal.

So maybe there is someone in a union I can talk to about this particular damage?

Not to mention the child labor laws you violated by working with Han.

Don't talk to anyone. I'll get them paid.

This sucks. I knew we should have shot at a Denny's.

Han, that is the sweetest, coolest thing you just did for us.

It is. And Caroline is totally gonna put out for you tonight.

That's kind of her thing now.

Well, I don't want anyone to take advantage of you two.

You're my girls.

And tonight on a very special episode of Funk and Skank...

...the cute tiny Asian guy turns out to be the girls' pimp.

And the cops-titutes are able to buy new horse shoes.

English - US - SDH