All language subtitles for Horrible.Bosses.2.2014.Theatrical.Cut.DVDRip.x264-EXViD

Hey, hey. If you're coming in
for the morning grind...

...it's another brutal Monday out there
traffic-wise.

The 2 is slow-and-go to the 5.
A Sig Alert is bogging down the l-1D.

And if you're on the 405 freeway,
you're probably already late for work.

If your boss gives you a hard time about it,
have him come down here and talk to...

...Rachel.
MIKE: Oh, no.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Zing! Ha, ha. Thanks, Skip.

But, hey, speaking of bosses,
after the break...

...we get to meet three guys who are chasing
their dream of becoming their own bosses.

Stay with us.

And, we're out. Very good, guys.
We're back in 9D seconds.

[CHATTERING]

Jesus Christ.
Dale, you gotta stop sweating, pal.

- Oh, wow, you are wet.
-"Stop sweating." How do I stop sweating?

This is a big deal.
We got everything riding on this.

We've quit ourjobs, I have three children
to think about now. How about that?

Think about this. You do a good job now,
you're gonna make your boys very proud.

- Girls. I have three girls, dude.
-Hmm? Right. You can't even tell at that age.

- They basically look like potatoes with arms.
-Don't call my kids potatoes.

- He's freaking out.
-lt's unbelievable.

DALE: Can you go on without me?
-Why don't you wait in the car?

Calm down.
You're making him more nervous.

It's gonna be real easy. You just talk
about you and Stacy having triplets.

People eat that shit up. You are the heart.

- All we have to do is be ourselves.
-Let's not. Ourselves is a Dumpster fire.

- Let's be better. Let's try to elevate a little.
-That's a good note. Nobody be themselves.

And we're back in five, four...

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Gel up, gel up, gel up, and gel oul

Ha, ha! And we're back.
You know, every week we like to highlight...

...local inventors and entrepreneurs
in our Big Idea Spotlight.

That's right, Mike.

And today we have
three modern-day Edisons...

...who 've created a new shower gadget
they hope to really clean up with.

[ALL CHUCKLE]
[DALE LAUGHS FORCEFULLY]

Please, welcome Nick, Kurt and Dale.

- Pleasure to be here.
- Before we gel to the product, can you tell us...

...whal is it that inspired three regular Joes
to go into business for yourselves?

We were all working at pretty terrible jobs
for some awful bosses.

And thought if we got a chance to be
our own bosses, we'd do things difierenlly.

This might be our shot.

We didn't think we'd gel the chance,
but Dale had an amazing idea.

Don't go to Dale.

And, uh, we started meeting together
to talk about the invention...

minslead of complaining about our jobs.

Hey, I think that's exciting.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Dale, you know, I just wanna know,
where did the idea come from...

-...for a new showerhead?
- I have three kids.

[KURT sums]

NICK:
Uh, Iel me answer the question.

Dale, uh, had just gotten back
from one of those self-service ca! washes...

-...wilh the wand with the soap.
-ll's got everything in one thing.

He thought, "Why don't they make
one of these for your body?"

After we had a few beers,
we came up with the, uh, Shower Buddy.

- The Shower Buddy?
- I'm sorry, that name's not oflicial yet.

- No, he's wrong. It is oflicial.
- I wanted the "Shower Daddy."

-"Shower Daddy" is worse on every level.
- I have to agree with Nick.

Better than having
some strange dude with you.

It's not some strange dude,
as I've said many times. It's your buddy.

- Why would your buddy be in the shower?
-[SHOUTS] Why would your dad?

- Uh-oh.
- Don't scream on television.

You know what? How about you fellas
show us how this gizmo works?

- Righl? Let's gel it going. Ha, ha.
- Yes. Make it rain. Yes. Work it, work it.

Oh, this is awesome.

Kurt's gonna turn on the shower.
You're gonna see the water come out.

After a bit, the shampoo's gonna automatically
be triggered out of the showerhead--

- No water pressure.
- The blue handle.

- No water pressure.
- There's a pump on the back.

- I could pump it manually.
- Dale's gonna help out. Thank you, buddy.

- Pump.
-You got it?

DALE: I got it.
-Yeah?

Water comes out,
the shampoo mixes with the water...

...Ihen shortly after that, conditioner.

You shower in half the time
with the Shower Buddy.

The average American" I don't know if you
know this. --spends 50 hours a week working.

- Hand's cramping up.
-Here, let me help.

"Commuting.
If we can save you just five minutes...

- The whole rod's too dry, right?
KURT: Yeah, spit on it.

- Better?
-See, yeah. If you lube it up, it's better.

Oh, no, absolutely.

I'm sorry. There's a hole in the back.
I'm gonna slick my finger in it.

We don'l really care how you gel il done.
Jusl gel il done. Gel il finished.

- Whalever it lakes.
- Live TV, right?

Live TV. What are you gonna do?

DALE: Yeah. Here we go.
- Oh, here it comes.

ALL:
Hey!

KURT: I told you.
DALE: Works just as promised, okay?

- Now, go ahead and shut it ofl'.
-ll's so cool. I want one.

You can't have this one. It's the prototype.
But we're looking for partners.

I'll tell you right now. I'm sold.
I wanna invest.

We got one. All right, Mike.

Now, how would I gel in touch
with you guys?

- You go straight to Nickkurtdale.
- I'm sorry, what?

It's our website. Nickkundalemom.

I'm positive I'm not hearing that right.

It's our names: Nick, Kurt, Dale.

[IN UNISON]
Nickkundale.

Y'all gotta change that name.

Cannot believe
we never said it out loud before.

It looked so good on paper.

It was a nice dream while it lasted, but I think
it's time we all go beg for ourjobs back.

Maybe just accept the fact
that we'll always be cogs in the machine.

Wait. Cocks in the machine. What is that?

"Cogs." Guh.

You know what? You're right.
We're not boss material.

We're worker bees. We're grunts.

[KATY PERRY'S "ROAR"
PLAYING ON CELL PHONE]

Oh, boy. That song. I can't hear that now.
Just put it on vibrate.

- Will you stop?
-Please?

- I picked this song to inspire us.
-lt's not inspiring me.

Look at this. Unknown caller.

- Just answer it.
KURT: Hello?

Yup, this is one of the Shower Buddy guys.
Mm-hm.

Really? Yes. No, of course.
I know exactly who you are.

Look up "Boulder Stream." Boulder Stream.

Uh-huh. Thank you.
We're very proud of the product.

- E-mail us the details, that'll be fine.
-ls that a real thing?

- Yeah, my e-mail?
-Not yours.

Yeah, it's phatballllz@hotmail.com.

It's P-H-A-T-B-A-L-L...

...L-L-Z...

...@hotmail.com.

Yeah. All right. Thank you. Yeah.

- See you tomorrow.
-Wow.

Holy shit.
Boulder Stream loves the Shower Buddy.

Who the fuck is Boulder Stream?

Only one of the largest catalog retailers
in North America.

You're gonna hear me roar

Nice.

When you're in a good mood,
it's a good song. Bad mood, bad song.

That's art. That's good art.

DALE: Man, this place is legit.
KURT: Yeah, it's nice.

- Did you see the free cookies?
-Yeah, you clearly have. That's four of those.

- You're gonna have chocolate on your face.
KURT: When we meet this guy...

...when you shake his hand,
use your other hand and touch his elbow.

- It's a classy move.
-I don't know this move. Let me see.

- Like that.
-Please, both sit down.

- That's nice.
-How about that? Not bad.

- That's really good.
-You got chocolate on your fingers.

Now it's on myjacket.

- Put water on it.
-I don't need water. That will set it.

- Get the cookie away from me.
DALE: No, it's like a fire-on-fire thing.

No, the water will set it.

Ha! There they are.
There are my shower buddies.

How are you? In the flesh.

It's just like on that morning show.
You're always fighting. I love it.

- Yeah, it's a...
-Rex Hanson.

- Oh, hey. Kurt Buckman.
-Good to see you.

KURT: Nice to see you.
-Classy handshake.

- Nick Hendricks.
-Nick, pleasure.

Hey. uh, DHIE Arb-- Uh..

- Shoot. ljust learned it.
-We can do it whichever way you want.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Why don't we grab the refreshments, coffee?
Grab some cookies.

Let's head upstairs. Let's talk about this
product. ls that corduroy?

Step inside. Dreams do come true.

You guys want something to drink?

KURT: I'll take one.
DALE: Sure.

- No. It's very early.
-No for us. Sorry.

I'm gonna cut right to it, gentlemen.
The Shower Buddy: a home run.

Well, Mr. Hanson, we couldn't be happier--

Mr. Hanson is my father. It's "Rex."

Please, sit down. Get comfortable.
Take a seat.

We want you to know that we are a company
you can be very proud to be in business with.

- Our workers are all gonna have health care--
-I don't really give a shit about that.

Do you see this?
This is Jimi Hendrix's actual guitar.

Heh, yeah. The one he did the fire and fingers
thing with. You like cool shit like this?

- We love cool shit.
-l'm into cool shit.

I knew you did. Get into business with me,
you're gonna have fucking loads of it.

- So you are offering to carry our product-J?
-Wait a minute. Check this out.

Miss Lang, will you come in here a moment?

Now what?

Jesus fucking Christ.

Sweetheart, we were racking our brains.
What's a beer can made out of?

Do you mean aluminum?

- That'll be all, Miss Lang. Thank you.
-Okay.

And where does she go now?

Now, that is the kind of cool shit
you have to look forward to.

Best part about this deal:
you're not gonna have to lift a finger.

My company will assume
all future product development...

moutsource manufacturing to China...

...and you receive a handsome one-time
development fee.

- I wanna dig in on the one-time fee because--
-You see this football?

This is the one Peyton Manning threw
and the guy caught it in his helmet. Keep it.

You know, Rex, the one-time fee thing, we're
not looking to give up control of the company.

Right. We wanna handle all the manufacturing
and you guys do distribution.

What, you manufacture? Here, in America?

- That's the plan.
-The American-dream thing.

Boys, I hate to break it to you,
but the American dream, it's made in China.

Now, look, I respect your naivet?, uh...

...but I'm afraid that this deal
only happens one way.

I did say "handsome fee," right?

Can I have one minute?
Just love to talk to my partners.

You got it. Take your time. I'll be over here.

- Oh, boy.
DALE: Man.

- What do you think?
-I didn't wanna say anything...

...but he means Eli Manning
not Peyton Manning.

- Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Kurt.
-I think she has an amazing fucking body...

...but that accent puts her over the top.
It's insane. That dress.

Agreed on both points. How about the deal?

- The deal. Gotta take it.
-We should take it.

- Take the money and get out.
-He's got cool shit.

- Imagine having your own cool shit.
-But look at this place.

I mean, these guys make loads of money
selling stuff...

...and he just called our Shower Buddy
a home run.

- Why sell a home run for a one-time fee?
-That's a good point.

I don't know.
I could use the money for Stacy and the girls.

That's a good point. That's true.
I could use money.

I get that.
But maybe it's notjust about the money.

That's a good point.

Maybe it's about never having to work
for anybody ever again.

KURT: That's right.
-Right? Being our own bosses.

- I say we bet on ourselves.
-Me too.

- You're right.
-l'm in.

I'm in. Let's do it.

Okay. Rex. Ahem.

- Uh, no deal.
DALE: Sorry.

- We're, uh, betting on ourselves.
-ls that right?

Yeah. And no hard feelings.
Honestly, we really appreciate the offer.

NICK: Sorry.
-Yeah. I can respect that.

Takes some serious balls to walk away
from 3 million bucks.

Hang on. Three million dollars?
We'll take that.

Sorry. Offer's off the table.

We'll take half. Half is fine.
Can we have half?

Ship's sailed.
Thank you so much for coming in.

Dale, I'm gonna need that ball back.
Good luck building something in America.

[noon OPENS]

BERT:
You know...

...l built this company from the bottom up
here in America.

- Dad, I didn't know you were back.
-What'd I tell you about using my office?

REX: I know, ljust thought, you know...
-Bert Hanson.

You're the Shower Buddy guys?

- Yes, sir.
-Yeah. We are, sir.

I respect you gentlemen for wanting
to roll up your sleeves and build something...

...stake your claim.

Now, I came to this country with nothing.

And through risk and hard work,
I made my own American dream come true.

[CHUCKLES]

- Good for you.
-Well, here's what I'm gonna do.

I'll refer you to my contact
at Pacific Shore National.

- That's a bank.
-They won't balk at giving you a loan...

...once they hear that Bert Hanson
just has placed an initial order of, say, um...

...1DD,DDD units?

- A hundred-thousand Shower Buddies?
-Whoa. Ha!

You're gonna make
100,000 Shower Buddies?

[DALE E KURT LAUGH]

Dad, what are you talking about?
We never make this kind of deal.

I'm sorry, sir.

But Boulder Stream needs to be
your exclusive retailer.

- Uh, let's think it over. Of course.
-We won't pick up the phone if anyone calls.

- We have a deal?
-Yeah, you got a fucking deal.

- Hey, all right. There it is.
-I got his elbow. Yeah.

- I got some chocolate on you there.
-lt doesn't matter.

That's great. That is good news.

So it's 20,000 square feet,
but it's a minimum five-year lease.

Twenty thousand.
That sounds like a lot more than we need.

But we want something
we can grow into, right?

- And we have a really big order, Nick.
-Damn straight. Come on, Nick.

- Nick. Nick.
-I don't know.

- You know, I say we take it. I say we take it.
-Yes.

- Yes, we do.
-Excellent.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

You've got no work experience at all.

Is that bad?

Are you kidding? It's great.

- You're enthusiastic and you're unjaded.
-And unqualified.

- You know what? You're hired.
DALE: Oops.

- Really?
-That was unexpected and, uh, undeserving.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

You're hired.

That's a yes. That's an obvious yes.

[LUPE LAUGHS AND CONTINUES
SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

DALE: Well, again, uh...
-No r?sum? at all.

Don't need it. Your eyes speak.
You seem honest.

Hold on, pal.

- Um, you're hired.
WOMAN: Really?

- I mean, if you'll have us.
-Thank you.

- Says here you've been convicted of a felony.
-That was bullshit.

Word up, though, I get that, man.
Like, pfft, I had a similar thing.

They tried to peg me as a child sex offender.
It was total bullshit.

Oh, yo, yo, yo.
I ain't down with no kid-fuckers.

- L'm not down with kid shit either.
KURT: Yeah, none of us are.

N-to-the-O, brother.

NICK:
We do not support that at all.

But, you know, let's just give the guy ajob.
Just... Yeah. I don't wanna upset this guy.

Well, tell you what, Tiffany. You're hired.

- L'm hired?
KURT: Yeah, you are.

- There you go. There you go.
TIFFANY: Oh, thank you.

We'll see you later. See you Monday.
Get out of here.

Kurt, you gotta stop hiring
hot unqualified women.

What's the point of being boss
if you can't stock the pond?

You realize you can't sleep
with these women?

- What?
-You're the boss. It's sexual harassment.

Remember sexual harassment?
I tried to kill my boss. Ring a bell?

I gotta fire them all now? We just hired them.

You can't fire them because you're not
allowed to sleep with them.

Also sexual harassment.

Why are we even doing this, then?

Oh, boy. This is it.

Here we go. Here we go.

- We did it. We're at 100,000.
-We did it?

- Yeah.
-Let me see.

KURT:
Woo-hoo-hoo!

DALE: This is a great idea.
KURT: How do you think they mow this?

NICK: Sure we shouldn't have called ahead?
DALE: No. He's gonna love it.

Cake and balloons.
Don't think that's overdoing it?

No. I think he's gonna be psyched
the order's done three days early.

I think he's gonna be flipping out
to see us out on his course.

I wouldn't be surprised
if he gives us a membership.

DALE: Are you serious?
-Yeah.

DALE:
Oh, my God. I want that.

MAN:
Yeah!

DALE:
Surprise. Ha, ha.

Sir, we finished your order
and it is ready to be shipped.

Excellent news.

We got you a little cake that says,
"Thanks for believing in us!"

- And some balloons of course.
-We're the "us."

Congratulations, boys.
What an accomplishment.

- Thank you.
-Thanks.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to cancel that order.

What'd he say?

- Sounded like he said "cancel the order."
-What?

DALE: Cancel what?
-Cancel the order.

Don't need it.

- Wait, no. That doesn't work.
-You can't do that.

- We went 50D grand in the hole.
DALE: We were in business.

-[\NHISPERS] If you don't buy, we are ruined.
-lt's a $500,000 order.

KURT: The American dream and all that.
DALE: He's gonna putt. He's just gonna putt.

- He makes the putt.
DALE: Can you explain what's happening?

- And why you're doing this?
-Yeah, sure. Fair question.

You see, boys, in one week
your bridge loan comes due...

...and you won't be able to pay it.

And your loan officer has assured me
no extension will be granted.

At that moment,
your company will go into foreclosure...

...and I will buy all of those units at auction
for pennies on the dollar.

Cheaper than I could have gotten them
from the Chinese.

- Oh, my fucking God.
-I can't believe this.

Anyway, as an added bonus,
I will also own your patent...

...and these gentlemen here will take over
manufacturing of our new product:

The Shower Pal.

- It's a better name too.
-It is.

- Goddamn it.
-Fucking hell.

Oh, Dad, that is a hell of a fucking play.

We should fit these guys for crowns
because they just got fucked royally.

[GRUNTS]

Rex. No call for this MTV showboating.
They're aware of their defeat.

In these moments,
it's more impactful to be still.

What about that stuff about hard work
and starting a company in America?

- The American dream and hard work.
-All bullshit?

You honestly think
hard work creates wealth?

[CHUCKLES]

The only thing that creates wealth is wealth.

And we have it. You don't.

Okay. Okay. You know what?

[KURT CLEARS THROAT]

- Take it easy. Take it easy.
-I got it. Hey.

Listen, bucko. You don't wanna
make enemies out of us, okay?

[REX CHUCKLES]

Whoa, easy. I didn't walk all up on you.

I make new enemies every day.
It's called business.

Thank you, gentlemen, for stopping by.
Have a lovely day.

Rex, get the cake.

Ow.

Rich motherfucking, overprivileged,
fucking assholes.

What happened to decency?

- L'm gonna lose my house.
-Yeah.

Stacy's gonna divorce me.
She's gonna marry some dude.

- I'll have supervised visits at McDonald's.
-Fucking McDonald's.

What were we thinking? Who bets
on themselves? Why did we do that?

- What?
-You're the one who talked me into it.

I was on the fence.

We're fucked! Our employees are fucked.
What about them? What about Lupe?

This is just a problem. That means
all we gotta do is come up with a solution.

We'll put some ideas up on the board.

That's what I'm talking about.
Here we go. Let's go.

- No idea's a bad idea.
-No idea's a bad idea.

- Who's gonna start us off?
-I got it.

- Kurt.
-Kill these motherfuckers.

- No, no.
-Murder! Yes.

- You don't need to write that down.
-Kill them.

- Let's fucking kill them! I want them dead!
-Kill them.

- No.
-Neck snap. Neck snap.

Enough. If we've learned one thing about
ourselves, it's that we're not murderers.

- How does killing them get us our money?
-What do you mean?

You harvest their organs,
sell them on the black market.

Be fucking serious. Come on.
This is not helpful. Think seriously.

You're right. There's other
things people have done.

- There's plots.
-For money.

- The plot of the movie Speed.
-Yes, there you go. Put a bomb on a bus.

So we'll rig a bus so that when
it goes below 5D miles an hour, it blows up.

- What the fuck is that?
-You said no idea was a bad idea.

I was wrong. That idea sucks,
the movie sucks and so do you.

That movie introduced us to Sandy Bullock.

Fuck you! I love Sandra Bullock!
I'm running hot.

I'm sorry. I'm running hot.
The whole fucking thing's got me upset.

Give me the marker,
I'll get a better idea.

Want the marker?
Give me $500,000, that's what we need.

- Gonna hold the marker ransom?
NICK: Call it what you want.

I need a half a million dollars.
I don't need shit ideas and a bunch of hot air.

Come on.

Dale.

- Boom. Marker drop.
-"Kidnaping."

- That's "kidnapping."
-With one more P it is. That's "kidnaping."

However the fuck you spell it. You know what
I'm talking about. Kidnapping. Come on.

Wait a second. That's a fucking great idea.
Think about it. First of all, we kidnap Rex.

- We get money from Bert.
-Ransom money.

We save the business.

What do you know
about executing a kidnapping?

- What do you mean? You just...
-You get zip ties.

You don't know shit about kidnapping.

Okay, we don't know a ton.
But I bet we know someone that does.

- Who?
-Motherfucker Jones.

- Oh, Jesus.
-Wouldn't it be good to see him?

We're not gonna go see Motherfucker Jones
because we're not gonna "kidnape" anyone.

Come on, this guy's a master business prick.

He's at the top of his game.
We need to figure out--

Boy, look what we got.

Is that a Sharpie?

- Hang on. What was a Sharpie doing there?
-You put it there.

- I did put it on there.
-Permanently on the board now.

This illustrates my point, idiots.
We need to find somebody who's legitimate.

We need to find someone
who can get us our company back.

Hello, Nick...

...guy who saved my life...

...guy who fucked my wife.

It was a blowjob. It was a blowjob, only.
Didn't fuck her.

You got my e-mail?

I did. And I was very amused by it.

I know Bert Hanson. I like the cut of his jib.

And I admire the way he bent you three idiots
over a barrel and showed you the 5D states.

- Ah. See? Told you it was a saying.
-Wow.

Now, Nick, just tell me something.

Why would you start production...

...without at least a guarantee
of 35 percent down...

...to cover manufacturing costs?

[CHUCKLING]
I mean, why would you do that?

- Is he telling ajoke?
-ls something funny?

Uh, we assumed that we were dealing
with somebody who was ethical--

No, that's the wrong answer.
The right answer is because...

...you're all fucking morons.

Boy, he shined a light on that, didn't he?
That's true. You're absolutely right.

You thought I was such a bad boss.

But, I don't know, I think running
your own company into the ground...

...ruining the livelihood of your employees
is maybe a bit worse. What do you think?

- That's fair.
-Should I be on the phone if I'm taking notes?

- L'm not getting any of what he's saying.
-lt's just a lot of rhetorical questions.

So, what do you want from me, Nick?

With all due respect,
you know what makes a guy like that tick.

So if you could give us some advice
on how to get our money back...

...l will play real nice at your next
parole hearing. How does that sound?

-[WHISPERING] You would do that for me?
-Yes, I would.

Okay. I think I can help you.

He's gonna help? Okay, I got a notepad.
I got a notepad.

From a legal standpoint...

"Legal standpoint."

...your options are...

-"Options are..."
-Legal options.

...jack fucking shit.

I heard "Jack Leibowitz." ls that an attorney?

- I'll write that down.
-Can we get his contact info?

Even if you had the money
to fight him in the courts...

...his lawyers are just gonna file motions
and continuances...

...long after you three pissant little fuckups...

...have blown your tiny little brains out.

You saying nothing can be done?

No, I said there's nothing you can do.

There's plenty that could be done,
but you won't do it.

- And do you wanna know why?
-No, not really.

- Because you have no balls.
-I see.

And your fathers had no balls.

You are all a product of generations
of ball-less men...

...who were too weak or too frightened
to stand up and take what was theirs.

And one day, you will pass on...

...your empty, shriveled sacs
to your own pitiful offspring.

- I can't hear. What is he talking about?
-Our nut sacs, mostly.

How'd that come up?

- Why don't you pitch him the kidnapping?
-Let the kidnapping go.

DALE: Pitch him the kidnapping.
-Show some balls, all right?

Wanna see balls? Kidnap someone.

You'll end up in here.
You'll see plenty of balls on your forehead.

KURT: Mm.
-Why are they on my forehead?

- Was the dick on top of my head?
KURT: Makes no sense.

- Oh, I'm upside down.
-You sure are. Your face is getting fucked.

Motherfucker.

Mm-hm. So y'all plan to use the ransom
to save your business.

- Exactly, yeah. That's it.
-That's what we're hoping.

Will you tell these idiots
how stupid that is, please?

Ah. I like it.

- Nice. See?
-I knew he'd like it.

You're doing what you need to
to keep your business going.

I had a dream for a long time
to get my own business.

- Yeah.
-I wanted to open my own Pinkberry.

DALE: Ha, ha.
-What the fuck is the chuckles about?

Oh, I thought you were joking.

See how many crackers line up to get
that Captain Crunch-covered freezing shit?

- I eat it three times a week. I love Pinkberry.
-Hey, that's awesome.

If somebody took my Pinkberry,
I wouldn't take that sitting down.

- You would fight.
-I will cut a motherfucker in half.

You wouldn't kidnap someone
because you can't successfully pull it off.

Name me a kidnapping movie...

...where the kidnappers weren't dead
or incarcerated at the end.

-9 to 5, asshole.
-9 to 5.

- Name me two movies, then.
-You said name one.

- I nailed one right on you.
-9 to 5was this movie--

I know what the fuck 9 to 5 is.
It's about the white bitch with the big titties.

- Yeah.
JONES: She got old, the titties stayed young.

I'm not gonna kidnap someone
based on 9 to 5.

- That's because you Jane Fonda.
-You're the scaredy-cat one.

You're always the last to man up.
You're dragging your feet.

Can I pose a question to you colonizers?

Happened a long time ago.

How do you kidnap somebody
without them knowing...

...they've been kidnapped?

- Okay.
-You smarten up, and you don't even do it.

- He's a black sphinx. I like it.
-He threw a riddle our way.

- How do you--?
-I can give you the answers.

- Fifty thousand.
-No.

- We can't.
-Six hundred?

You should not run a Pinkberry. Sorry.

- The weirdest negotiating style.
-We don't have money.

You know, we're here because
we have zero dollars. We're broke.

Fuck it. Give me the watch.

- Nope.
-Give him your watch.

- L'm not giving him this. This is a Tag Heuer.
-This is a wrist without a watch.

Come on. It's just material things.
Can't take it with you.

You can borrow it
while you tell us a shitty plan.

All right.

[JONES CLEARS THROAT]

Slip him a mickey.

Give me the watch back.

You sneak into his crib at night.

Find out whatever his beverage of choice is
before he goes to bed.

You slip the mickey in the beverage.
Knock him out nice and easy.

And you keep that bitch sedated
until Daddy pays up.

- That could work.
-Hmm. That's great. That makes total sense.

- He doesn't see our faces.
KURT: We're ghosts. We don't even exist.

- When you say "mickey-J"?
-A date-rape drug. Where do you get those?

- Where do I get them?
-Uh-- Yeah.

Because of the hue of my skin
I know where to get date-rape drugs?

- You brought up the date-raping.
-You got N word in your eyes.

- Why are your eyes saying the N word?
-Klan eyes.

- You've got Klan eyes.
JONES: You ever take a eye test?

- Yes.
-All you pick out is the K.

- I see every letter.
-He does have Klan eyes.

You can see them poking out
behind that sheet.

- It's just ridic-- I can't-- It's so upsetting.
-Let me ask you a question.

When you got raped by Julia, what did she
use to knock you out? Laughing gas?

- Oh, right.
-That'll work.

NICK: That's interesting.
-You have keys to the office?

- No, but I know the code.
-Yes.

DALE:
Okay. You did it again.

- For the record, I am not racist.
-You're the best. Thanks.

- Let's go. See you.
-Good to see you.

Surprisingly helpful.
Any way I can get the watch back?

Fuck out of here, Jane Fonda.

KURT: That's a tough one.
And you can't fuck all three, right?

NICK: You cannot.
-Not the game. Okay.

Well, then lwould marry Peter,
kill Bobby, and fuck Greg.

- That's what I'd do too.
-Yeah?

- I think that's the only way to play it.
-lt makes sense.

- How'd you do?
-I did great.

I got extra supplies.
I think we gotta be more careful this time.

- Absolutely. So smart.
-I got a magazine to cut up the ransom note.

- Can't be writing it by hand.
-Smart.

Bride Again Magazine?

To throw the cops off if they start snooping
to figure out where the letters came from.

- Dora the Explorer walkie-talkies?
KURT: Awesome.

- It's not a spy store. It's a convenience store.
-Didn't wannajust use our phones?

Let's use our phones. They make a record
of everything that we say and do.

- Do you watch the news?
-My apologies.

Hey, Obama. I'm breaking into my old office.

It's just the three of us doing this,
not us and the NSA.

- L'm trying to help us out.
KURT: Heh.

- Did you get scissors?
DALE: I got some scissors.

- I don't see any latex gloves in here.
-They're, like, super expensive.

- How much?
-Nine bucks a pair.

- That's ridiculous.
-Right?

- It's the only thing you went in there to buy.
-She's got a ton of gloves in her office.

We'll just use those.

You need them to get inside,
so we don't leave fingerprints.

That's right. You dummy.
Don't you know that?

Know what we can do?
We can use my golf gloves in my bag.

He's got gloves in his golf bag.

Don't poke holes in everything.
I'm trying to help out.

- Guys, the team's back together.
DALE: Ha, ha! Whoa!

I call lookout.

And lwill let you know ifl see Swiper.

[LOCK cucxs]

Nice. Let's go.

NICK [OVER RADIO]:
How we doing in there, guys?

I got it. I got it. I got it.

All good. How are things out there, Nick?

Things are good. Hey, can you not say
my name over the radio, please?

KURT: Why not?
-Could be somebody on the frequency.

KURT:
Oh, yeah. It's a good point. Very smart.

There you go.
That's using the old Hendricks brain.

And there's the last name.

- We should come up with code names.
-Absolutely.

- Nick, where you landing on code names?
-I'd love it if you'd stop saying my name.

- Just get the gas and get out here.
DALE: Roger that.

The Blade has acquired the target.

- Was that "The Blade"?
KURT: Mm-hm. That's my code name, Nick.

We don't need code names.
Everybody knows who's talking.

DALE: They're sounding pretty cool,
so let's try to land on a couple.

I'm gonna think up one real quick
and lay it on you.

Uh, I'm coming in at you with The Majestic
Lion. I'm gonna be The Majestic Lion.

K U RT :
Now we're talking.

Not gonna call you that.

DALE: That's a bummer there.
I'm gonna need a reason as to why.

Because you're not ajungle cat,
and it's stupid as shit.

- Fair point.
-Good catch.

Uh, we should come up with one for him.

KURT: How about SI. Nick?
- You've said my name four fucking times.

If you could come back out to the car,
we can go home.

DALE: You know what?
What if I drop the "Lion"?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Somebody's here. Somebody's here.
DALE: Just The Majestic?

I love that. I like that.

Shut up about the code names. A bunch
of people just pulled up into the parking lot.

Hello. Get your thumb off the butt--

Oh, my God.

Real hot chickjust pulled into
Julia's parking spot.

I think Julia's headed into the building.

If you'd get your thumb
off the fucking button and--

Ah, fuck. Fucking idiots.

Well, you know what? It's not my fault.
It's not my goddamn fault.

I haven't done a thing illegal.
I can just drive out of here.

I can just drive right home.

No, I can't do that. I can't do that.

They'll just fucking tell on me.

All right, we're on our way to you.
Chickens have left the pot. My God, my God.

- The coop, I think.
-What?

The "my God, my God"
does sounds like a thing.

KURT:
Oh, shit.

[CHATTERING]

Why don't you set the food up over there?
And we'll circle these chairs around.

Dale?

Kurt.

[MIMICS BIRD CAWING]

ALL:
God, grant us...

Oh, shit. It's a cult. It's a fucking cult.

ALL: --about our sex addiction
that we cannot change...

- Sex addiction.
-lt's a sex addiction. Yeah.

Neat.

So proud of you, every one of you,
for being here today.

Shit.

[SIGHS]

How's it Quins?

Hi. It's going, uh...

Whew, you know.

I'm in trouble.

- Save it.
-Okay.

--Something that happened to them
this week.

[noon OPENS]

Found this gentleman loitering
out in your hall.

Oh, shit. Nick got busted.

COP:
Says he knows he's in trouble.

- Yeah.
-We're all in trouble.

You don't have to be afraid. You're safe here.

Okay.

Sorry I'm late. What's up, brother?

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

Toby, why don't you grab a chair and bring
it in so this young man can join us?

Yeah, um...

- Boy, uh...
-What's your name, honey?

Iam, URL...

lam Blanston.

ALL: Hi, Blanston.
-Hi.

- It's nice to have fresh blood in the group.
-Appreciate it.

- Fresh, cute blood.
-Hey.

Easy, Julia. Blanston, would you like to share
with us what's led you into recovery?

Ah. Well, okay. I do have a very big problem.

Just been hitting it hard.
I've been hitting it hard.

He thinks he's in an AA meeting.

[KURT CHUCKLES]

Getting together with the guys.

Oftentimes, ending up just face down.

[CHUCKLING]

Chugging one after the other.
Sometimes double-fisted, just:

Gah, gah, gah. You know?
You know what I'm talking about.

So your sexual addiction,
it's homosexual in nature?

My sex addiction? My sex addiction is, um...

And then what did you say?

- You like to fuck guys.
-No. My sex addiction is to ladies.

- Oh.
NICK: You know. I'm addicted to women.

Boring.

[METAL CLANGS]

- What is--?
-Shit. She's coming. Hide.

But there was once, though.
There was once--

Oh, boy. If this is safe in here,
I'd love to shake this out and share it.

Something must've happened.
Don't fall on me.

KURT: Don't worry. I took a parkour class
at the community center.

Oh, he got her to go back.

- Uh, I was a boy.
-How old were you?

- I don't know. Young.
-Fourteen?

I think we were.
Two 14-year-old boys at camp...

...and not knowing what we're doing...

...and just wrestling.

Ooh. Wrestling camp. Fourteen.

Nice.

- Is he telling the truth?
-l-- I don't know. But, I mean, if he is--

- Good for him, right?
-Absolutely. That's great.

- Did you guys wear those tight little onesies?
-Singlets?

- Is that what they're called?
-That's right. Singlets.

Tight little spandex offering a clear little
outline of, say, a circumcised helmet?

- Oh, boy.
-Am I getting warm?

Okay, uh, maybe someone else
should share.

- No, no, no. Let's go to the unit.
-Sorry?

What was the unit like on this little b--?
Was it veiny? Smooth?

Little turtleneck? Anteater?

Ijust-- I don't know. Pretty normal.

It's good to have a gay friend
in your group too, you know?

- It makes us more colorful.
-Yeah.

Now, did this penis ever, at any point,
find its way into your mouth?

Jesus.
-Julia, no.

- You're not gonna pull this stunt again.
-What stunt?

Stopping a meeting early
so she can try to flip another gay.

- Really?
-She always wants what she can't have.

Listen, relax, okay? He's not even gay.

He had one cock at 14
and it hasn't made its way to his mouth yet.

- Well, if you'd let me finish--
-So you did eat that cock.

- You're asking ifl sucked it?
-I know you sucked it.

I just wanna hear you say it.

- Blanston, you don't have to say it.
-Shut your mouth.

- Shut up and let him share. You ate it?
-Please say yes.

You wanna know if I ate that dick?

Did you suck that cock like a Bomb Pop
down to the blue?

- You want the answer?
-Give it to me.

Iate that dick, balls,
and licked that kid's sweaty asshole.

Damn right you did
because you are awesomely gay.

I'm super gay. Never been straight.
Know what else I've never been?

- Inside a woman.
-Meeting adjourned.

- Everybody out.
-Son of a bitch.

Come on. Hurry it up. Hurry it up. Come on.

- See you later. Bye-bye. That's it.
-Okay, Julia, you are letting the addiction win.

Oh, fuck you, Roz. No one likes you anyway.

Okay.

- Mm. Let's get you prepped for a fill-n-drill.
-Let's do it.

- Ever done it in a dentist's chair?
-I always wanted to nail my dentist.

- He's a man.
-I'll make you forget all about him.

Why don't you go get the chair ready?
I'm gonna visit the men's room real quick.

Oh, you can do that on me.

Oh. Uh, well, it's a...

And...?

Hmm. Well, uh, first time on the slopes,
so I'm gonna stay off the black diamond.

Either way.

- You guys are so noisy. Let's go.
KURT: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Congrats. I'm so proud of you
for coming out.

- L'm not gay. I'll be right out, okay?
-Come on.

I think it'll be a little suspicious ifl disappear.
Gonna complete the diversion.

- We gotta go.
-Thought you were gay.

I'm not gay. Go on, go on. I'll be right out.

Oh. I get it. You're bi.

I'm not bi.

Not hi?

DALE: Do you have, uh, an S? I need an S.
KURT: S, yes.

- How's that?
-Uh, do you have a scarier S than that?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, here.
This is from an article about bridezillas.

Yeah, that'll do it.
Okay, can I read you what I got right now?

- Yeah. Yeah, sure.
-Okay.

[IN SINISTER VOICE]
"Give us the �500,000...

...or the little boy dies.

[KURT CHUCKLES]

You have 24 hours."

I wish you were there to read it.
Sounds scary in that voice.

That's why I wanted scary letters.

Hopefully he's hearing a voice
like that when he reads.

God, I tell you what.

I hope this doesn't sound cocky.
I think we're really good at this.

We're extremely good at it.

I didn't wanna say anything,
but way better than murder.

- A lot better than murder.
-We found our groove.

- This is fun.
-It is kind offun.

[noon OPENS]

- Nobody gets hurt.
-I always wanted to make a ransom note.

- All here. Let's go.
-Ah!

Son of a bitch. I knew I should've been
gluing them as I went along.

NICK: Ah.
KURT: Oy, oy, oy.

Hey. Hey. Talk to me. How was it?

It was like something
I've just never encountered.

What, uh, a woman?

[KURT CHUCKLES]

I mean, she's so free.
She's so eloquent with her body.

I mean, all of that sexual energy...

...it flows from this place of deep tenderness,
you know?

- It's called her vagina, Nick.
-Please don't talk like that. Come on, let's go.

Listen. He's being so protective.

You're talking like you fell in love with her.
What, are you in love with her, Nick?

No, Dale.

- That was a real long pause right there.
-That was a moment of silence.

I'm not in love with her. That's ridiculous.

She gave me a very rich
and positive experience.

KURT:
Oh, yeah? Better than wrestling camp?

NICK:
Oh, boy. Nice house.

Well, he's doing well.

Good for him.

- All right, let's discuss our options.
-Breathe, and go.

Hey, whoa. Guys, you can'tjust park
right in front of the guy's house.

You wanna carry an unconscious dude
down the street?

He's gonna be way too heavy.
Let's move.

That's a good point. Good point.

Wait, whoa. You can'tjust walk up
to the guy's front door.

- Will you calm down? We have a plan.
-We have a plan. Just relax.

NICK: Oh, do you? That's great.
That makes me feel a lot better.

- Okay, you ready?
KURT: Yeah, I'm ready.

Watch this. Go.

- Ah, fuck.
-Fuck.

- It's a bust.
-lt's locked.

- The plan did not account for a locked door?
-Fifty-fifty chance it's gonna be open.

- How do you figure that?
-Either locked or unlocked.

- Fifty-fifty, yeah.
-lt's basic math. What's up with you tonight?

- Give me your credit card.
-Good.

- Plan B's got a credit card in it?
DALE: Come on.

- Your plan sucks.
DALE: Your math sucks.

That's what's going on.

- Wait. What if he's in there?
-Oh, yeah.

- How do we make sure?
-Why don't you ring the doorbell?

- I love it. Smart.
-Don't. Kurt.

Oh, shit. Are you kidding?

[DOORBELL RINGS MUSICAL TUNE]

- It's dark. Don't think anybody's here.
-Don't hit it again.

[DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING]

KURT: You hear that?
-I know that song.

DALE: What is that?
-lt's a song, right? ls it:

[SINGING]
No matter what you do

NO, HO.

BOTH:
Iwill always be with you

- Who sings that?
-Badfinger.

Doesn't matter what you do, girl

Quiet.

Ooh, girl, with you

You nailed it.

Knock down the old gray wall

Shut the fuck up.

- Hey, you're yelling.
-Shh! Shh! You're yelling.

Do me a favor. Hurry up.

Fail to open up the front door
so we can get the fuck out of here.

- Ah, fuck.
DALE: Ooh.

- What's "fuck"? What happened?
-We got a problem.

- Yeah, see? Right there?
-Goddamn it.

KURT: There it is. Staring back at us.
NICK: Okay, what now?

I guess we follow your idea
and we get out of here.

- Yeah, we gotta go.
-No. Hey. My credit card's in there.

- Call them and cancel.
-They'll send you a new one overnight.

When they find the card,
they'll know we were here. It's pretty simple.

- Oh, shit.
-They're gonna know you were here.

Go, go. Car. Car.

Is that his wife?

No, that's a '93 Civic
and she's carrying dry cleaning.

I'm gonna go with a maid.

He married his maid?

Nice.

Mr. Rex, are you home?

It me, Kim Song.

I pick up your dry cleaning.

[SIGHS]

NICK: Okay, I got it.
-Wow.

He's got good taste.

It's bent, goddamn it.

- Nice, clean lines, little pops of color.
-Let's go.

- Go?
-What?

We just got inside. Let's stay.

- So did she. Let's get the fuck out of here.
-Are you quitting on the plan?

[CAR APPROACHING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER
SPEAKERS]

- Back in. Back in. He's here.
-Why? Who's here?

- Mr. Rex.
-Oh, shit.

[noon OPENS]

REX:
Kim? You here?

Hey, Kim. You got my shirts?

- Yes, Mr. Rex. I go hang up now.
-Great.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kim. Kimbo.

- Take a look at this. Tell me what you see.
KIM: Uh...

Are you gonna leave this mess
in the bottom of my sink?

The water?

Yes, the little water droplets
all over the bottom of my sink.

I don't know what thatched hut
you grew up in, but this is disgusting.

But itjust water.

Okay. Okay.

[IN KOREAN ACCENT]
Then you just fire.

You lose yourjob. Too bad for you.

Bye-bye.

Ha, ha! Look at you. I got you again.

Look at that little chubby face.

You think I was gonna fire you
on your fucking birthday?

Are you out of your mind, Mrs. Miyagi?
Get over here.

Come here, you. Happy birthday.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hold on one sec. Hey.

Yeah, no, I'm, uh, just trying to make
my maid's day. It's her birthday. Huh?

Hey, Kim, seriously, though.
Can we keep a dry sink from here on in?

Yes, Mr. Rex.

What's up?

No, fuck that, man.

Kim.

Oh.

Dude, I'm trying.
My dad is being a total dick about the money.

NICK:
What's she doing?

DALE: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
NICK: What is she doing?

- Kurt. Kurt. Kurt.
-What? What? What?

Oh, shit. That's my thing.
She's doing my thing.

NICK: I can't believe she's fucking doing that.
-She's not going in deep enough.

What a rookie.

Okay, there she goes. Okay. All right.

Kimchi.

NICK: There he is.
KURT: Okay. Shh.

NICK: Oh, no. He's gonna brush his teeth.
KURT: He is.

- He's gonna do it.
-Here he goes.

DALE: D0 it.
NICK: D0 it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, get them nice and clean,
you son of a bitch.

So satisfying.

Wait, guys. Okay. Now what, though?
What are we doing? What do we do now?

We wait for him to go to bed.
Dale starts the gas. I've got the ransom note.

[GAS russnus]

- Not now.
-He said, "Dale, start the gas."

I said, "Dale starts the gas."

Later, you idiot. Turn that off.
We can't have the gas in here.

Okay. I'll put this on the--

- Turn it off.
-l'm trying to. It's broken or something.

Are you kidding me? Turn it the other way.

We dropped it like a million times.
I think we broke it. No, see?

- It's not doing anything.
-Let's get out.

- What? He's right outside.
NICK: Shh.

Shit. He's right there.
Then get the can out of here.

[KURT LAUGHING]

Don't start laughing.
What is funny about this?

Look at your face. Look at his face.
Ha, ha.

- Oh, no.
-Dude, your face...

The gas. ls this the gas?

No: "o: "o: "o: "o: "o: "o: no-

Hey. Listen. Keep it together.

Yes, it's the gas.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- It's pretty good.
-You keep it together.

I was trying to hit him.

- Guys.
-No, no, no.

Okay. I'm good. I'm good. Let's--

[KATY PERRY'S "ROAR"
PLAYING ON CELL PHONE]

Shit. Kurt. Kurt, your phone.

Your phone. Answer your phone.

- I got it. I got it. I got it.
-Where are we?

- Shut it off.
-Why is your wife calling me?

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. She's probably freaking out.
I didn't come home last night.

NICK:
Quiet.

Dude, get your fucking head
out of my crotch.

Will you look at this fucking view
during the daytime? You kidding me?

- He seems gone.
-Unbelievable.

- Bed's made.
-I can't believe this.

We should maybe just check.

'Hey! Rex!
-Hey.

Rex! Rex!

Dale.

Did you have a plan if he responded?

- I didn't think that far ahead.
-You get even dumber in the mornings.

You know, Stacy's just gonna
completely flip out when I get home.

- What kind of dad doesn't come home?
-Shut that down.

If the worst thing that happens from this
clusterfuck is your domestic problems...

...we can consider ourselves lucky.
We just dodged a huge bullet back there.

We almost made
the worst decision of our lives.

That's true. Know why? If he opens that
closet and sees us, we're in prison right now.

That's right. So we're very, very lucky.
What the fuck is the matter with us?

I tell you what. If a couple tiny things
went our way, we could've pulled that off.

We're not criminals. We suck at crime.
We're nice, normal guys.

- I like baseball. I wear pants.
KURT: Yup.

- Back to being cogs in the machine.
-Cogs. Cogs, dude.

KURT:
Cogs are good.

DALE:
It's a relief, you know?

It's like a weight lifted off your--
What is it, shoulders?

- It's a fresh start where everything's--
-I'll call you guys later.

- Please don't kill me.
-Fuck!

- Oh, fuck.
-What the fuck is that?

What the fuck is that? What did we do?
We kidnap him while we're high on nitrous?

Then went back into the closet
and went to sleep?

- Why would we do that?
-Shh. Shh. What?

[REX CRYING]

Is he crying?

[REX LAUGHING]

Oh, my God. The best.

That was so good.

Help me out.

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

The look on your-- Look at this.

[KURT CHUCKLES THEN LAUGHS]

I really couldn't-- Your fucking face.

- Oh, my God.
-Hey, man. Yeah. Whoa-whee.

Ah! You had us.

[ALL LAUGHING]

DALE:
Oh! Oh!

- What's happening?
-I don't know.

- What's happening?
-Oh, boy.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my God, you guys.
I completely underestimated you.

You fuckers have some low-hanging balls.
I mean it. I'm impressed.

I mean, I wake up,
I find you three in my closet...

...along with a ransom note,
a big old bottle of nitrous.

I'm like, "Holy shit.
These fuckers were gonna gas me."

I'm about to call the cops when I think,
"Hold up a sec.

These guys may be onto something."

I wanna partner up on this thing.

- What thing? What are you talking about?
-l'm not sure what you mean.

- This thing. My kidnapping.
KURT: Oh.

Truth be told, Pop and l...

...we've hit a rough patch.
He's refusing to cover some of my expenses.

Long story. Anyway, your timing could not
have been better. ls this a fucking marlin?

Rex, this is, uh, cool and all,
but we decided, like, we're out.

- We're not doing crime.
-Not ourthing.

Yeah, no, he's right.
No, the kidnapping is off, actually.

- Huh? No, no, no, it's on.
-No, it's off.

No, it's totally on.
I sent the ransom note to my dad.

- You what?
-You did what?

I was a little insulted you only asked for
$500,000 for me. ls that all I'm worth? Hmm?

No sweat. I tacked on another zero.

Jive-hundred million?
-Wow, that's a ton.

- Five million, guys.
-Five million.

- Five million.
-Five. Right.

Yeah, 5 million. One million dollars for you
guys, and 4 for me.

Why don't we make that ransom call?

Yeah, Rex, let's not.

We appreciate the offer, and thank you for
not calling the cops, but we're gonna pass.

- No.
KURT: Yeah.

Guys. Guys, how's this anything
but great news?

All I'm asking you to do is finish your
own plan but for double the money.

Plus, it got a thousand times easier
because now I'm your inside man.

I can make sure Dad pays up.

And then when you, uh, "set me free"...

...l tell the cops it was three other morons
that went that way.

Oh. Wow.
That's not the worst idea I've ever heard.

- It's better than our original idea.
KURT: A lot better.

Give us one second.

Fucking what?

- We can't trust this guy.
-You can trust me.

No, you're right. They burned us once already.
We're not gonna get burned again.

- Nice try.
DALE: Thanks but no thanks.

- That's a Nick-Kurt-Dale no from us.
-Nick, Kurt and Dale.

- So, uh, thank you, but adios.
-Yeah. Heh.

- Okay.
NICK: You need a ride?

No. I think I'll hang out here.

You know, escape from your clutches...

...and call the police.

Go ahead. Call them.
We never kidnapped you.

- Yeah, you did.
-We didn't.

- Yeah, you abducted me.
-We did not.

Yeah, you brought me back here.

- There was a struggle.
-Oh, shit. Come on, man.

Things got broken.

DALE:
What the--?

And then, you assaulted me.

- Oh, shit.
-What?

This guy's fucking nuts.

Hey, Rex? It's off, pal.

Oh, and then you beat me. Mercilessly.

[GRUNTING]

Holy shit. He's Fight Clubbing himself.
We got a Fight Clubber.

And then I found my way up here
and I found this phone.

- I picked up the receiver...
-Oh, no.

...and I dialed 9...

- Don't, don't, don't.
-Come on. Jake's over.

-...1...
-Don't you hit the second 1.

- Don't do it. Aah!
-Don't hit it.

I don't know where I'm going.
I don't know where you find pay phones.

- There's some pay phones at the park here.
-Okay.

Boys, we are doing this.
The adventure begins. Who's fired up?

KURT:
Hmm.

Such a negative energy.
This is killing me. Guys, come on.

- Can you scoot overjust a smidge?
-Huh? No, I sit in the middle.

- That's his seat.
-lt's a whole thing, Rex.

REX: I know. Just you're crowding me.
-l'm crowding this guy now?

He's forcing us to kidnap him,
and I'm crowding him?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. Simmer down.
Kidnapping was your idea, remember?

- But then we had the idea to not do it.
-Yeah, exactly.

- I sit in the middle!
-Hey, hey.

KURT: Dale, just do what he says.
-Ah, for chrissake.

Oh, God. That is nice.

This is way better.

This is bullshit, by the way.

Excuse me, Dr. Harris.
Was someone in the office last night?

Uh, my sex-addiction group met here at 8.

Oh. Yes. But, doctor,
the keypad logged an earlier entrance.

Really?

Let's check our fancy new camera system.

[JULIA LAUGHS]

That's a gay guy. It's so weird.
He didn't bone me like a gay guy.

He only cried, like, a little bit.

And he was oddly squeamish
about his own asshole, which is weird.

- It's so weird.
JULIA: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Is that Dale?

What's he doing with Kurt and Blanston?

- Should we call the police?
JULIA: No.

NO.

I'll take care of them.

Enjoy.

It's good stuff. Learn something.

[PHONE DIALING]

All right, it's ringing.

Remember, you guys hold all the cards.
Game faces. You are going to crush this.

Hold on. He knows what we sound like.
We gotta use an accent.

- No accents. That's ridiculous.
-That's a great idea, Kurty.

Boulder Stream.

- Who is this? The secretary?
REX: Accent. Yeah.

[IN LATINO ACCENT] Hey, homey.
Let me speak to Mr. Bert Hanson.

No, I don't mind holding. ljust barely even
called you right now already.

- That's incredibly racist.
-Super racist.

Just do a Southern accent.

Southern? Southern I got.
Southern. No problem.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hanson.

[IN OLD SOUTH ACCENT]
Well, howdy there, partner.

Uh, this here's the gents
what got your young'un and all.

And, well, we got some talking to do and--

- Southern, not old prospector.
-I thought that was pretty good.

Listen, you lowlife bottom-feeder,
I don't have time for this little fuck-around.

Either this ends right now,
or it ends with bullets in your skulls.

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Now, you hush.
You don't scare us one bit. We got your boy.

- I be! that tears you up something fierce.
-How do I know you really have my boy?

Dad.

Dad, is that you? Please. They're crazy.

They told me if you call the police,
they'd kill me.

[WHIMPERING] Please. Please,
do whatever they say. I don't wanna die, Dad.

No police. Aah!

- God!
-Rex? Rex? Where are you?

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Now, you listen.
Y'all gonna have to rassle up...

...that 5 million bucks in cash.

We're looking at all 100s.

NICK: Unmarked.
-Unmarked.

NICK: No tracers.
-No tracers and no dye packs neither.

Otherwise, we gonna take your boy...

...and string him up by his pretty little neck...

...with the roughest,
coarsest piece of rope we got...

...in our rope inventory.

You understand?
You got 24 hours before he dead.

- Yes.
-That is how it's done.

Let's go. All right.

Guys, that was great.

That was so much fun.

- Absolutely.
REX: You were incredible.

- Thanks for getting us snacks, dude.
-You earned it.

So now what? What do we do?

- Okay.
-What's the plan?

- I say we go back to the office.
KURT: Mm-hm.

Okay? Lay low for a little while.

And we wait for that money train to roll in.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- Choo-choo!
-Choo-choo, baby!

[KATY PERRY'S "ROAR"
PLAYING ON RADIO]

- Oh! Turn up this song. I love this one.
-We're doing this thing.

I hate to break up the car party, but, Rex,
you don't have a plan for the ransom drop...

...and that is the part
where people get caught.

Wow. The ransom drop is only hard
if the police are involved.

Yeah. But what if he does call the police?
Because that wouldn't be good.

He's a billionaire.
He's not gonna risk my life over $5 million.

After Kurt's little performance,
there's no way he's gonna call the cops.

My performance? What about yours?
You were so in the moment.

- You think so?
-You were great! And you were!

Get your mouths off his dick, okay?

- Everyone was doing pretty good.
-Whoa. Take it down a notch.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Wait. Shut up, shut up, shut up.
This is Stacy.

Oh, my God. I forgot to call her.
Uh, hi, honey.

- Where have you been all night?
DALE: Here's what happened.

I fell asleep at the office, and--

Really? Because Find My iPhone
said you weren't at the office.

Heh. What, are you cheating on me, Dale?

- Look, you're upset and--
-Oh, shit.

NICK: Oh, God. Goddamn it.
-He called the cops.

- Oh, we're busted.
-Busted? Oh, my God.

- L'm not busted.
-Drive.

DALE:
No one is busted in a bad sense of the word.

- Too late. Lupe's got us. Pull in.
DALE: Put your head in my lap.

Honey, no one's head's going in my lap. It's
something guys are saying now. I can't talk.

NICK: Hide, hide, hide.
DALE: I am fucked.

- Let's just go in. Be calm and be cool.
NICK: Shit.

- Hi.
-Gentlemen.

- You own this establishment?
NICK: This place here?

I don't know. Do you really
own anything in this lifetime?

- We're currently renting.
-lt's all just material. Electrons, protons.

- Yeah. We do.
-Technically.

Let me ask you, has your company done
business recently with a Mr. Bert Hanson?

- Barb Fanson? Doesn't ring a bell.
NICK: Not really ringing a bell.

- I don't think that we have.
-Not our guy.

That's interesting.
The way I hear it, you're working with him.

And things didn't shake out
too well for you boys.

- Oh, Bert.
-Oh. Bert Hanson.

- Yeah.
-ls that what he said?

KURT: Bert Hanson? Oh, yeah. We know him.
NICK: That guy.

DALE:
We had a business disagreement.

KURT: Big whoop.
DALE: No big deal.

We like the guy. Definitely don't think
his son deserves to be kidnapped.

HATCHER:
Kidnapped?

Who said anything about kidnapping?

DALE:
Uh...

- I wanna say you did.
-I didn't.

- I heard you say it.
-I didn't.

- I feel like you did.
-l'm sure I did.

You said "kidnapping."
I was like, "What a weird word."

- Should be more "kidnabbing."
-No, I did not. Did I say that?

- I think you might have, sir.
-You sure?

Well, I got a little lost with
all their yammering, but pretty sure.

All right, maybe I did.

- Hey.
HATCHER: It's been along week.

We'll be in touch.

Yeah. Anytime you want. Don't worry,
because the main thing is that you said it--

Stop talking. Stop talking.

You've done plenty, plenty of talking.

Where you going? Come back here.
Come over here. We're going this way.

[KURT WHISTLES]

NICK: I don't want you to thank me.
Just go home and enjoy your family.

Enjoy the rest of the day off, everyone.
You've earned it.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Mcx:
Ah. Ugh.

The police were just checking.
Making sure we're locking up at night.

You know, they're keeping
the neighborhood safe. They're heroes.

- Okay, all taken care of.
-Shh.

- No, everyone's gone.
-No, no, he--

He's spinning out.

I was really clear my life was in danger.

He called the police anyway.

Yeah, and since he did...

...it's pretty clear that we're not gonna
be able to continue with the scam--

Five million dollars is nothing to him.

But I guess it's worth more to him
than my life.

KURT: Ooh.
DALE: Aw.

-[SOBBING] I'm his son, for chrissake.
-Oh, boy. We got a crier.

- Look how blue his eyes get when he's crying.
-l'm sorry. This is so fucking embarrassing.

- Oh, no. No, no, no.
-No.

Toilet paper here. You can blow your nose.

Just because your dad called the cops
doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

No, of course not. Oh, my gosh.
I'm sure it was just his first reaction.

- He's scared, confused.
-lt's natural. I mean, Dale's a dad.

I'm a dad.

Can you imagine if someone stole
one of them?

- I can't imagine.
-You would call the cops.

No, I don't think I'd call the cops.
I couldn't take that risk.

[soaanus]

- Different situation. Bad example.
-Shit, I'm sorry.

Maybe some alone time would be helpful.

Why don't we step outside,
give him a minute?

- We'll come back, and don't do anything rash.
NICK: Can I talk to you outside, please?

KURT: Oh, boy.
-Man, I feel terrible for that guy.

I know. Are you kidding me?
Poor, poor guy.

- I mean, that is rough. Rough.
-Are you guys shitting me in there?

His dad sold him out for--
It was probably nothing to him.

KURT: Pennies to him.
DALE: The guy's rich.

That would rock me to my core.
Have a little empathy. Please?

What are you talking about? You're acting
like you have Stockholm Syndrome.

What is that?

- What, like jet lag?
-No.

DALE: Do I look tired to you?
-You don't. No.

- You don't look tired.
-l'm fine.

Stockholm Syndrome's when
you bond with your captors.

Oh, okay. Well, then hold on a second.
He's the hostage.

So this would be reverse
Stockholm Syndrome.

Yeah, and we don't have that, okay?

He's just a really, really, really, likable guy.
I like him a lot.

- He's really likable.
-The guy's a winner.

It's nice to be around a winner.

- Oh, boy. It feels right, Nick. Come on.
-Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go in,
tell him cops were never part of this plan...

...and the shit ends now. Let's do it.

Come on.

It was a wonderful idea. Didn't work out.

So I think the best thing to do
isjust to pull the plug...

...and you tell the police that the guys
who got you chickened out...

...let you go, they're long gone.

- They didn't all chicken out.
-Now's not the time to back off, boys.

I say we chop off a toe,
mail it to him and double the ransom.

- Now you're talking. Chop, chop, chop.
-Yes! Wait, whose toe?

- Not it. Not it. Not my toe.
NICK: No lane's toe.

Keep your toes. Time to call it off.

Nick. Nick. Come on.

- Nick, look at me.
NICK: Oy.

Look, man, if we give up now,
I'll bejust fine, you know?

But you guys, your employees,
for God's sake.

- Dale's little boys.
-Girls, Kurt.

- Hey, thanks. Yes.
-Yeah. You're all fucked.

DALE: Nick, come on.
KURT: Come on.

You can't roll over and die
when your bank's against the wall.

- Don't roll over and die.
-You gotta be careful.

- You have to take what's yours.
DALE: Take it!

Put your name on it. Write your name on it
and say, "That's mine."

And take it.

I think I'll take it from here, okay?

- He's got it.
-He's got it. Listen right here.

- This is where you want it to come from.
DALE: Not us.

- I got it!
-Sorry, Rex. Sorry.

- He's got it.
REX: Come on, man.

Help me help you get revenge
on my asshole dad...

...and get you paid a million bucks cash.
-Yes.

Boy, it sounds awesome,
but there's no way to get it done.

That's not true. How about this?

How about if we just put our heads together?
We brainstorm a little.

If we don't come up with a ransom plan
that you love, we pull the plug.

- Then you'd let us walk?
-You have my word.

But if we do come up
with something really inspired...

...then we're in it to win it.

Well, I can't stop anybody
from brainstorming.

[REX CHUCKLES]

REX:
You're the best.

- All right.
-I'll see you upstairs, man.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Is "vagina" with a G or a J?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

All right.

Let's run it down from the top.

Okay. First we tie up Rex in one of those
abandoned warehouses off 3rd.

Then we call Bert on a dark phone.
It's prepaid and untraceable.

Go to the bench on the 4th Street Bridge
to make the drop.

Not long enough to trace the call.

Goddamn it.

These guys are pros.

I want a tracer put in that bag.

The police are sending everyone they've got
to watch the bridge.

SWAT 1:
Weapons tight. Eyes on.

SWAT 2 [OVER RADIO]:
All right, tactical command, red team.

[BEEPING]

Here we go.

[HORNS HONKING]

KURT:
Bu! when he gels there...

...he finds the dark phone
that I planted ahead of time.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

DALE: Then we call him from the second dark
phone, and tell him to proceed downtown.

Hello.

You'll wanna pull into the garage under
the Mandrake Hotel and park in Space 4421.

There, you will find a red bag.

You will transfer the money into this bag, then
drive out and await the location of the drop.

And we tell him if anyone follows him in,
his son's a fucking corpse.

[MIMICS GUNSHOT]

DALE: And when Ben
drives that far underground...

...the police will lose the signal from his wire.

REX: Bu! when he arrives,
instead of finding a bag he finds you three.

Disguised. Armed. Dangerous.

- Yeah, but the gun's not loaded, right?
-Of course not. Nobody gets hurt, come on.

I then tell him to give me his jacket and tie.

So just as the cops are starting to sweat...

...Dad pulls out with the new red bag,
just as he was instructed.

- Sir, we have the signal back.
-Thank God.

REX: Only it won't be my father driving.
It'll be our ringer.

- We're back on him, sir.
-How do you know it's him?

BERT [ON RECORDING]: I still have the cash
and I'm heading to the drop.

I guess it's him. Stay with him.

KURT:
So I drive to the Staples Center.

Kings have Vancouver. Great malchup.
Place will be packed.

REX: Cops will stay with the money,
wail for the kidnappers to receive the drop.

Hanson made the drop, stay on the money.

We got our man. Take him down.

[MAN GRUNTS AND PEOPLE GASP]

COP:
Stay down.

Son of a bitch.

REX: By the time the cops know
they've been had...

...Kun's a ghost.

K U RT :
And Nick and Dale disappear with the cash.

[MUMBLING]

REX: And, finally, lam rescued
from my hellish captivity.

Thank you. Where's my dad?

Dad!

KURT: A week later, once the smoke clears,
we'll be sitting poolside, splitting up the cash.

It's raining. Who wants it?
There's enough to share.

[ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Look what came. Who wants some tequila?

- It's cash.
-Thanks, babe.

KURT:
Hey, whoa, Dale.

Get your goddamn kids out of the fantasy.

Let them enjoy the pool,
let me enjoy the money.

- They're not even allowed at this pool.
-I can't turn my mind off.

- Guys. Guys. Guys.
NICK: Will you stop it?

Come on. Let's not argue, okay?
We came up with an awesome plan.

It is smart. It is mad creative.

You know, you boys continue to impress me.

- L'm proud of you.
-Thanks, man.

- You came up with most of it, though.
REX: I did not.

- You did.
-That is a lie. It was a team effort.

You came up with going into the garage,
losing the signal.

That was brilliant. Kurty came up
with the dark-phone business.

- That's from "Grand Theft Auto." I took it.
-Genius. Dale, uh...

I had the thing where you go on the zip line
to the trampoline to the skateboard.

- Nick shot that down, if you remember.
-Yeah. lt wasn't a good idea.

It was a bad idea, it really was.

You had a lot of bad ideas though
that led to good ideas. And that is value.

Thanks, man.

All right, Nick. Look, my word is still good.

You know, if you don't think it can work,
we call it off.

It's up to you, buddy.

Where do we get untraceable phones?

ALL: Ha, ha!
DALE: There we go. That's our guy.

- This guy.
-There we go.

Prepaid with bitcoins.

Jailbroken.

A hundred percent untraceable.

- We got it.
-Thanks. Solid. Thank you, Motherfucker.

Good luck out there, boys.

[CHUCKLES]

- What's that laugh about?
-I just said good luck.

- That was a sinister giggle.
-You said it with a sinister giggle.

I'm just saying that maybe you guys
might want a little advice.

- Boy, that was predictable. No, thanks.
-We're good.

- You know what, then? Get the fuck on.
-That's what I said. Get the fuck on.

- Wait a minute.
-I don't like this.

- I wanna hear what he has to say.
-Now you wanna hear?

- You got one on the hook.
-lt'll cost 51 percent share of your company.

You're out of your fucking mind.

It's gonna cost you 2 percent share
of your company.

- So weird how you negotiate.
-lt won't be in existence. You can have that.

- There's a middle ground.
-Here's the advice, young men.

Y'all criminals.

- It's never good advice.
-I can't find the advice.

It's not even true, actually.
We're not criminals. All right?

DALE: We got dicked into this.
-Shut up.

See, you can't have this both ways.

Every time you guys come here, you're like,
"We're a bunch of happy-go-lucky guys.

Through no fault of our own,
we found ourselves in another pickle.

We can't get our fingers out of our asses."
Fuck that.

You're fucking criminals.
You've tried to kill your bosses.

One of them ended up dead. And now you
want to perpetrate a kidnapping?

You three are the craziest motherfucking
criminals I've ever seen in my life.

You wanna pull this shit off?

You gotta act like it.

Word.

Oh. That was embarrassing.

We're trying to do a super cool
slow-mo walk.

- Come on, man.
-[lN SLOW VOICE] Easy.

- It's over. Let's go.
-Where you going?

- Moronic idea. I am mortified.
-Come on, man. Let's do the walk.

You gotta stick with it.

What do you think?
Should I beat myself up more?

No, you don't need to hit yourself anymore.
I think we should just make the call.

Hold on. Before we kick this thing off,
can I just say something?

I'm not really, ugh, good at this kind of thing,
you know? Um...

My mom died when I was 4, and, um...

You know, when you're raised
by Bert Hanson...

...most of your friends are shitheads.

Um...

Yeah. I know I dragged you guys into this,
but I'm not sorry.

Because...

...l'm really glad I met you guys.

Anyway, I want you guys to have this.

- What is it?
-lt's an actual fang from Predator.

- Predalor the movie?
REX: Yep.

I want you to have it.

DALE: For real?
-Swear to God.

REX:
Do you like Predator?

Yeah, I like Predator.

REX: Kurty?
-Yeah. Yeah, I like Predator too.

I mean "also," not the sequel.

- Nick?
-Oh, well...

...l didn't like Predalorwhen I first saw it...

...but it grew on me quite a bit.

I like Predator a great deal.

Are we talking about him or Predator?
I'm terrible with metaphors.

- Let's make the phone call.
-It was lost on me.

Most things are.

[CHATTERING ON RADIOS]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Yeah.

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
You got that cash?

- Yeah, I got it.
NICK: Yeah.

Now, I want you to sashay up
to the 4th Street Bridge.

You're gonna find a bench about halfway up,
take a load off.

And you bring the amount that we
agreed upon and you come alone.

And if you do, you will find your son
returned home lickety-splickety.

Fourth Street Bridge,
he's gonna have him drop it over the side.

Now, I want every inch covered,
but everyone holds a safe distance.

Yeah, but not too safe a distance.
Understand?

This bag is your number fucking one
priority.

No, actually, your son's life
is our number one priority.

Yeah, you know whatl mean.

Yeah, I think I do.

Does anybody have a visual?

Bridge is still clear, chief.

Hanson approaching. ETA, two minutes.

The Blade is in position.

Majestic, in position.

Iam lll...

Kill Shot is in position.

- Whoa, "Kill Shot"?
-Yeah, I wanna be Kill Shot.

- Then you are Kill Shot. I love it.
-Pretty sweet name there, Nick.

Ooh. We don't wanna use real names
if we're using code names, Dale.

- Don't say my name, Kurt.
- Mine was an accident. Yours was on purpose.

- I don't think yours was an accident.
-What?

Why are we on walkie-talkies
in the same room?

We're checking the equipment.

We don't need to.
He's on a TV remote control.

I was trying to participate.
I didn't have anything to--

KURT: Hey. Hold up. The Blade's got a visual.
He's here. He's here.

DALE: Here we go.
NICK: Oh, shit.

- All right. Kill Shot, make the call.
-l'm dialing. Here we go.

DALE:
Oh, my God.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hey, what's that? Who's calling you?

- I don't know. It's blocked.
-Oh, no.

- Hello.
-Hi.

- Who is this?
-lt's me, dickless.

You're supposed to call the dark phone.

It's in your hand.
You were to tape that under the bench.

No, that's not-- Oh, wait.

KURT:
Oh.

Oh, shit. So, what phone does he have?

Bert has Kurt's phone
with our contact information on it.

And the pictures of us
from when we used to be friends?

Knock it off. Look, this is no big deal.

We'll do it tomorrow.
As long as we don't call, he'll never find it.

NICK:
He found it.

- He what? How?
-We are screwed.

- Shit.
-Wait, wait, wait. I got an idea. I got an idea.

Call your phone. If he's talking, he's not
gonna look through it and see the contacts.

- Here we go. Okay. All right. Ahem.
-Right, okay.

[KATY PERRY'S "ROAR"
PLAYING ON CELL PHONE]

Call coming in. "Roar" by Katy Perry.

These guys are confident.

BERT:
Yeah, hello.

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Look like the grasshopper found himself...

...a blade of grass to sit upon.
-Too much.

-[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Hello.
-Let's get this over with, pretend cowboy.

Now, listen, I need you to proceed
to the Mandrake Hotel.

I need you to go underground into parking.
I need you to get to Spot 4421.

You're gonna see a big old bag there.
Fill it up.

And then I need you to proceed north
onto Figueroa and await further instructions.

Wait, wait.

And don't think we don't know you got the law
with you. That's something we do know.

All right? So if any of them cavalry
follow you down in the garage...

...l'm personally gonna stick a hot poker
so far up your son's ass...

...l'm gonna pop his teeth like popcorn!

See? We're back on track.

With game-time traffic, he could be here
in less than 1D minutes. How we doing?

KURT: Almost done.
-Where are the bellhop costumes?

NICK: What?
-Bellhop costumes.

Aren't we dressed as bellhops
when we escape with the money?

This place doesn't have bellhops.

- It doesn't?
-No.

I thought there was supposed to be
some sweet-ass--

- What the fuck are these?
-lt's not Halloween.

- Best I could do on short notice.
-lt's not scary.

- Hey, how do I look?
-Who the hell are you?

- It's me, Kurt.
-I know that part.

Terrible. You don't look like Bert,
you look like Mark Twain.

None of this is like I pictured when we were
planning it. Everything was cooler.

He just has to look good from a distance.

- Here we go. Let's do it.
-Let's roll.

Let's just do what we gotta do,
do it confidently and, uh, we should be fine.

- Here we go.
DALE: Oh.

- Hi, boys.
-Oh, hi.

You staying at the hotel, or is this your hotel?
You staying here?

I've been keeping my eye on you
since you broke into my office.

I don't know what's going on here,
and I don't give a shit.

- Why are you here? What do you want?
-I think you know what I want.

No, I'm not gonna sleep with you.

Why can't this crazy bitch
get it through her head?

- Keep it respectful. Sorry.
-Are you kidding me?

NICK: Don't call her that.
-l'm gonna make this simple.

I'm gonna call the police
and send you to jail.

- Don't do that.
-Come on.

Unless Dale plows me.

Why? Why me?
What is so special about me?

That's a fair question.
Everybody's wondering.

- I am.
-Did you ever collect anything, Dale?

- Don't get him going on this.
-What do I collect?

- Tons of stuff.
- Encyclopedia Brown?

- New Beanie Babies, makes no sense.
-Batlleslar Galaclica.

- Fine. I collect some stuff. Why?
-Okay, well, I collect cocks.

- Cogs?
-Julia.

-"Cocks."
-Oh, yeah. Well...

Mm-hm. Right up here.

I've got quite an impressive trophy room
filled with cocks.

- We're in there.
-Don't.

JULIA:
And at night, when I close my eyes...

...l reflect on them...

...l alphabetize them...

...l dust them.

Why are they dusty?

But there's one little problem, Dale.

See that space?
That empty space above the fireplace?

- See that?
-You got a cock missing?

That's reserved
for the only man who's ever said no to this.

That's you, Dale.

My white whale.

We all know this is just the addiction talking.
lf you're looking for more than a quick fix...

...l can provide you something
that's very meaningful, long-lasting.

- What? What are you talking about?
-l'm talking about us.

- Us? All of us?
-No.

- That's even better.
-No.

More the merrier. I love this idea.
You got a lot of stuff sticking out.

I got a lot of holes going in.

At one point of the night, you'd better
make sure that, that one is in this one.

- Thank you.
-That's not whatl meant. You misunderstood.

I'm gonna go freshen up. Why don't you guys
suck each other off to get ready?

- Here we go.
-What are you doing?

What? She's making us fuck her.

- L'm not gonna fuck anyone.
-Thank you.

I'm willing to make love to her,
if that's required.

DALE: Are you serious?
-Uh, can I borrow this razor?

Yeah. Go nuts.

Any requests? Landing strip? Dinner roll?

Uh, whatever's there.
We're in a rush. Thanks.

JULIA: Hmm.
-I don't wanna commit adultery on my wife.

No, it's not adultery if you're doing it
to save your family. Okay?

You think Stacy and your girls
are gonna wait for you...

...while you're in prison for 3D years?
-They're not.

Can't we just come up
with some kind of plan, though?

Oh, yes. Absolutely.
I got a plan. Okay, here we go. Um, areas.

I'll go butt, face, puss.

I cannot go in the puss.
That'll make me the most guilty.

- Good call. How about this? Butt, face, puss.
-That's where I should be.

I'm talking about a way where--
That's good.

If we're switching positions,
she'll lose track of who's where.

- Like the shell game.
-Three-card Monte. Exactly.

I can motorboat her boobies
and then smack on her butt.

So long as nothing is done
in a cheap or degrading way.

- We'll be as sensitive as Dr. Phil.
-I don't know if I can fuck this woman.

- Think about your wife and girls.
-I'll think about my girls. I can get it done.

STACY: Ha.
-All right?

- Stacy.
-Oh, no.

- How did you find me?
-Been there a while?

Find My iPhone.

- I knew you were cheating on me.
DALE: No, I'm not.

- He's not. We're trying to stay out of prison.
-Prison?

No lane's going to prison.

- Because we were gonna kidnap someone.
-Kidnapping?

- No. First, the man kidnapped himself.
-That's right.

DALE: He forced us--
-Dale wouldn't even do puss.

- I didn't even wanna do the puss.
-I chose ass both times.

I said puss will make me the most guilty.
You're not helping me! Shut up!

Look, uh, this is such a stupid thing, honey.

And easy, and nothing sexual
is even happening here.

Come on, Dale,
this pussy isn't gonna eat itself.

- J u I ia?
-Stacy.

- Listen to me.
-You are sick.

DALE: I'm not sick. Please. Can ljust--?
-Do not follow me. Do not follow me.

You fucking bitch.

Sorry. Really didn't mean for that to happen.

Okay, Julia. You wanna fuck?

Yeah. Heh.

Why not, right? My marriage is over.
It's basically ruined.

So how about I ruin that pussy?
That sound good?

- No, no, no. You're face.
-l'm puss.

- Yeah.
-No, no, no. This lane's all mine.

What?

- Let's do it. Let's do it in the shower.
JULIA: Attaboy.

Is that what you want?
Nice and wet in here.

[JULIA SHRIEKS]

[BANGING ON DOOR]

- I can't save my marriage from prison.
-No, you can't.

- G reat, Dale.
-Let's roll.

- We lost the wire.
-Shit.

Should we send in an unmarked?

We can't risk it. We'll hold here.

NICK [IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]:
Hello. Howdy-do.

DALE: You go on this side.
KURT: Stop.

NICK:
Hey.

What the fuck is this?

I do not need that sass-mouth. What I need
is that sack of cash. Now, get it over here.

Don't you throw it at me. You slide it.
Do it again.

- No, we'll keep it here.
KURT: Check it.

DALE: Holy shit.
KURT: Lookie there.

DALE: We did it.
NICK: There's a pretty bag.

Okay. All right. Hey. I'll also take that phone
you took from the bottom of that bench.

What?

- The cell phone. Give me the cell phone.
NICK: Throw the phone to him.

Now that fancy jacket and that snappy tie.

- Get them off. Get them over.
-No.

- He say "no"?
DALE: I think he said no.

But we got this.

- Don't make me use this six-shooter.
DALE: Man's got a shooter.

You make me sick.

You're what's wrong with America.
Everyone just wants a handout.

Take, take, take from the people
who earn their money honestly.

DALE: All right, let's not chitchat now.
The man does have a gun.

NICK: You got a real lip on you.
I will shoot you in the chest.

Well, go ahead. Shoot me.

- You don't have the balls.
-Yeah, he does. He got big old balls.

Big mouth. Nothing behind it.

DALE: Dude.
NICK: Oh, my God.

- What the fuck?
-Oh, my God.

What did you do?

- You shot him.
-No, I didn't.

- You did.
-That was not supposed to be loaded.

KURT: What do you mean?
NICK: That's not my fault.

- Oh, my God.
-Wait, hold--

[REX LAUGHING]

Man. You should've seen
your faces right now...

...when you started blaming each other.

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

What's happening right now?

I'm fucking you over.

- No, no. But we're all friends now.
-We are, but what a great twist, right?

At first I was just gonna take all the money
and throw you guys under the bus.

I mean, come on. Duh.

But then when Dad called the cops
and proved he doesn't give a fuck about me...

...l realized, why take a few of his millions...

...when I can inherit all of them
and you guys can take the fall?

In minutes, the police will be down here and
discover that you killed my poor father...

...with a gun you stole from my room
when you abducted me.

That is a lie!

- He knows.
-He knows. He knows.

Don't worry, guys-

I'll take it from here.

Sorry, Rex.

But we got you.

REX [ON RECORDING]:
Why lake a few of his millions...

...when I can inherit all of them
and you guys can lake the fall?

Ooh. Checkmate, bitch.

[KURT E DALE CHUCKLING]

- All right, here. Let's have that.
-Yeah. Yeah.

- No, l-- Right. Sorry.
REX: Thanks, man.

Didn't wanna hold onto that
for two more minutes?

KURT:
No, that was a gift.

- Did you park the Prius in the back alley?
-I sure did.

- Do you have the keys?
-Here you go.

[SIGHS]

I'm really proud of you guys.

Seriously. You pulled together.
You worked like a team. Just like we planned.

[CHUCKLES]

L'm-- I'm gonna miss you guys.

Okay.

Bye.

Catch.

- Don't--
-Goddamn it.

Sorry. ljust have good hands.
Fuck. Hang on a second.

Hey, freeze. Freeze.

Ha, ha. Dale, come on.
You think I'd give you a loaded gun?

[sun cucxs]

Ah, shit.

I gotta get going. Gotta wait to be saved
at the warehouse by the cops. See you.

Oh, shit. Good luck talking to the cops.
You have your dad's blood all over-- Oh!

- Can we not keep anything to ourselves?
-Fuck me. I'm so sorry.

- That's worse than what I did. What did I do?
-You're friends with him. You introduced me.

We're not gonna be afraid of
an unloaded gun, Rex, you dipshit.

DALE: He's got bullets. He's got bullets.
KURT: He's got bullets? Fucking hell.

Kurt, what are you? A 32 waist?

- Oh, dear God. He's gonna rape us.
-No.

- Oh, you just want my--
-He just wants the pants.

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

All-time shittiest idea you guys ever had.
Can't believe you talked me into this.

- This guy's dead now.
DALE: I know that.

- He's dead.
-We should've stayed cogs.

This is taking too damn long.

Shit.

This isn't about the bag.

This is the goddamn drop.

Move in. Everybody move in now.

[SIRENS WAILING]

- Take off the incriminating pants.
-Run around in my underwear?

Why not throw the body in the trunk?
We got 5 million bucks.

There's police everywhere.
We're not gonna get away.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Oh, shit.

- Grab the bag. Get the fuck in.
-Why?

Lead the cops to that warehouse
before your boy gets there.

If they see him out walking free,
theyjust might believe your ass. Let's go.

Get the money.

[ALL YELLING]

Hey. Hey, guys.

Goddamn it. It's those idiots.

- Come on. Let's go.
-Following us is already a part of their plan.

KURT: You never know. Wanna make sure.
DALE: What is the seat-belt situation?

- I got mine.
-We should put them on.

- Can I get under yours?
-Hold on to the dashboard.

DALE: Shit.
-This is the wrong way.

This is the wrong way. Turn around.
Stop the car.

- Who you texting?
-My lady.

NICK: Put it down.
-If I don't check in, she goes crazy.

By the way, what the hell were you doing
back there in that garage in the first place?

What's that, now?

- Holy shit.
-What's going on?

You were down there
to steal the ransom money.

Listen, I hustle, I don't steal.

What the fuck does that--?
What were you doing in the garage?

[TIRES SCREECH]

JONES:
I was thinking there was a chance...

...the drop might go south,
and that guy would kill y'all.

And in such a scenario,
you'd rather me have the cash than him.

- He was betting against us.
-You motherfucker.

- I was honoring your potential death.
DALE: Honoring us?

What are we, samurai?

Wait, hold on. Oh, hey. Train.

- Train! Train! Train!
-Train!

[TRAIN HORN WAILING]

DALE: Nice! Woo-hon!
NICK: Damn it.

That's how you lose the cops.

- We're not supposed to lose the cops.
-Don't lose the cops.

DALE:
That's the whole idea.

- It was a good thought.
-Going back. This is great.

NICK: I wish you'd slow down.
You wouldn't make mistakes.

DALE: Don't criticize the man.
He's doing the best he can.

Here, I'll let them know. Hold on.

Hey. We're back. We'll stay here...

...till all this shit goes by.

Then we'll all roll.

What the fuck are these assholes doing?

- They get that?
-Yeah, I think so.

- What's that you're carrying around?
KURT: What is that?

It's for my kitties.

- You got kittens?
-Surprising.

- I can't have kittens?
-Why you always jumping on everything?

- It's weird you're hauling around a cat stand.
-I love pussy.

- Hey, can I hop out and piss?
-No. We're in a car chase.

- Super long train. I feel I could get it done.
-It is a lot of freight.

[CROSSING BELL RINGING]

[TOTO'S "HOLD THE LINE"
PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]

Hold the line

It probably needs...

Love isn't always on time

[GRUNTING]

[COUGHS THEN LAUGHS]

Hold the line

It's just too goddamn easy.

- I feel like I could have pissed by now.
-Let him go. Open the door.

- Caboose coming.
-Ah, sh it.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Oh, shit. Cops.

- Cops. Cops.
-Shit.

JONES: What happened?
-You lost your stuff.

- What? Damn it.
-Yeah, you lost your cat stuff.

NICK: Okay, there's a man there.
Watch out for him.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

- Hey, we're boxed in here.
-Not for long.

NICK: No, no, no.
-l've always wanted to do this.

[OMD'S "lF YOU LEAVE"
PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]

Gotta make it last

[SINGING]
I touch you once

I touch you twice

Shit.

What?

So where is this place?

It's up here. Under the bridge.

NICK: What are you doing?
-You're supposed to go under the bridge.

JONES:
Relax.

- The wheels are locked.
NICK: Pump the brakes.

DALE: Shift down.
-Put it in park.

JONES:
I can't think.

[ALL SHOUTING AND YELLING]

DALE:
Oh, fuck.

KURT:
I'm gonna puke.

NICK: Well, what's the next part of the plan,
Motherfucker?

[KURT GRUNTS]

NICK:
Ow.

[SIRENS WAILING NEARBY]

There. There. There.

[ALL GROAN]

- Hey. Hey, he's not here. We beat him.
KURT: What?

- We beat him.
-Hey.

DALE: Ha, ha!
-Hey, nice job--

- Where's Motherfucker?
-I don't know.

NICK:
Cops. Cops.

HEY-

- Get out of the car.
KURT: Easy.

HATCHER: Hands up.
NICK: Relax. Please, put your guns down.

We didn't kill anybody. I swear to God.

- I don't give a goddamn. Tell it to the judge.
-We didn't kidnap anybody.

He kidnapped himself.
He'll sneak in any second.

- He was supposed to be tied up to that chair.
-Right behind you.

Who? Him?

DALE:
Yeah.

Aw, that looks bad. That looks bad.

- This fucking guy.
KURT: You gotta believe us.

That's them. Those three, they tortured rne,
then said they were gonna kill my dad.

- Oh, don't listen to that.
-That's garbage.

Tell me he's okay. Please.

- L'm sorry, son.
-[\NHIMPERING] No.

- No.
DALE: He killed his father.

- He's a very strong actor. Bravo.
-Don't buy it.

HATCHER: Get on the ground.
-We're getting down.

I can't believe you're buying that acting.
I mean, it's good, but--

You have the right to remain silent, assholes.

You have the right to an attorney, asshole.
You have--

[KATY PERRY'S "ROAR"
PLAYING ON CELL PHONE]

Hey. Hey, that's my phone. He has my phone.

- The phone Bert had on the bench.
NICK: Check that phone.

If he was tied up here the whole time,
how could Rex have the same phone?

- They switched pants!
-Yeah. They got it.

- Check it.
-lt's the same ringtone, sir.

Yeah. That's my phone.

I have the same ringtone.
It's an inspiring ringtone.

You were here this whole time
with a cell phone...

...and didn't bother to call the police?

DALE: Ah! Ah, ha, ha!
-Yes.

Shut the fuck up.

Let me see it.

I said let me see it.

Okay.

- Everybody move the fuck off.
-Yeah, he looks pretty guilty now, right?

He's definitely suspect.

Drop your fucking guns.

You shoot this prick.
You shoot this prick right now.

You drop your guns or I'll blow
his fucking head off. You hear me? Move.

Move.

He's gonna get away with this.

- This guy doesn't quit.
-He's incredibly resilient.

- You. Keys in the car?
-Keys are in the car.

- This fucking guy.
-Calm down.

This fucking guy took everything from me.
"Calm down, Dale"? No.

- Fuck this fucking guy. He took my wife.
REX: All right, step away.

- He took my kids. I'm gonna do something.
-Easy. What are you gonna do?

- Look who's the predator now, bitch.
-Wait, Dale. What are you doing?

[YELLING]

- Dale.
-Oh, I'm shot.

COP:
Get in there. Get him.

Cuff this crazy asshole. And beat the shit
out of him while you're at it.

- Oh, shit.
NICK: Dale, buddy, you okay? Hey.

- Oh, my God.
-Oh, wow.

- Oh, shit.
KURT: What was that?

Dale, let's put this down.
What was the plan here, buddy?

- I overreacted. It's not even sharp.
-Adrenaline.

Did itjust graze me, or...?

No, you got hit right in the square
of the fucking chest.

- Went straight through.
-You're gonna be fine.

No, I don't know about that.
That's a lot of blood.

- Don't listen to him. You're gonna make it.
-Ah, fuck.

Hey, if you want hope, listen to him.

If you want the truth, I'm your fucking guy,
all right? This is bad news.

- Can we get some help here?
-Don't worry. We're gonna get you fixed up.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.
DALE: ls it bad? ls it bad?

- That's a big fucking hole.
-Yeah.

- L'm gonna go to this light right here.
KURT: If you've gotta go, you gotta go.

- Please don't let me die with him talking.
KURT: I'll take care of Stacy and your boys.

[EKG BEEPING
THEN FLATLINING]

[KURT MIMICKING EKG FLATLINING]

- That couldn't be more annoying.
-l'm not trying to be annoying.

- L'm trying to have fun.
-lt's annoying.

- It worked though. Look at that.
NICK: Look who's talking. You okay?

You've been drifting in and out.
Nice to hear you talking.

So, what do the doctors say?
Am I gonna die?

- Yes.
-Yes?

- No.
-We're all gonna die.

It's been touch-and-go,
but you're gonna be fine.

- Doctors are gonna let you out.
-How long was I out?

- Two years.
-Really?

- Four days.
-That's better.

Why didn't you play?
Thought we were gonna say two years.

We've got a woman president.

[ALL CHUCKLE THEN DALE COUGHS]

Shit.

NICK: Look who's here.
-Oh, my gosh. He's talking.

- You're talking. Hi.
-We'll leave you alone.

Please. Let rne explain everything to you,
there are so many misunderstandings.

- It's okay. Julia explained everything.
-Don't talk to her. She's crazy.

She told me everything she put you through
because of her affliction.

"Her affliction"?

It's heartbreaking
what she's been through.

- Hi.
-She also told me that my husband...

...is the only one that ever resisted her.

- Okay.
-Dale, you are one lucky man.

Your wife is so understanding and caring.

- Right.
-So beautiful.

She has been so supportive with the babies.
And helpful.

Oh. Please, it's the least I can do
to make amends for my bad behavior.

- Okay.
-Gonna find Dr. Mike, tell him you're talking.

Okay, good. Go get the doctor
because I'm feeling a little--

What is going on here?

What's up? I'm off the hook? No more
white-whale business? Or any of that?

- Mm-hm. No more. You're off the hook.
-Really?

Did you know that when men are in a coma
they can still get an erection?

It's true, Dale. Coma boners.

"Coma boner"? What?

Lots and lots of coma boners.

Think about it.

- Oh, shit.
-All right, well, I better go.

I'm booking a spa day for me and Stacy.

- L'm gonna fuck your wife, Dale.
-No, no.

No. Uh, no, you're not.
Hang on. Hang on. No.

NICK: Hey, there she is.
-Boys.

You look fantastic. You know, I've been
sending you a lot of unanswered texts.

- That's not how you catch them.
-I think she said she's gonna fuck my wife.

- Thought she already did.
-That horse may have left the barn.

I figured those guys
have been bumping tacos.

NICK: Super touchy-feely lately.
-I can't process this. This is too much.

Anyway, so, what's even going on?

- Did we get in trouble with the police, or...?
-We did, yeah.

- Yeah. A lot.
-We got arrested for along list of felonies.

But because you took a bullet for
the detective, DA got rid of the biggies.

Ha, ha. Pretty sweet. All right,
so I'm guessing we saved the business.

- Nope. We did not.
-We did not.

NICK:
The bank foreclosed a couple days ago.

Going once, going twice, sold.
To D.H. Commercial Trust.

KURT: Bu! there's good news. The guy who
bought the company is keeping us on to run it.

- If we bring that down to $300, you've got--
-Lupe. All right.

Hola, Lupe.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- Uh, SkyMall?
- Sl', SkyMall.

Great. That's great news.

- Uh, SkyMall order is ready to ship.
-The boss is gonna love that.

Yes. Let's go show him
these great numbers too.

Are we happy with these numbers?

They're pretty good.

- Room for improvement.
DALE: We can do better.

Oh, my God.

I just realized. You actually thought
you were bringing rne good news.

The three of you walked in with smiles
on your fucking pathetic faces.

Why were you born?
Why were the three of you born?

Looking at you is like looking out
over the Grand Canyon of ineptitude.

It's a wonder your parents
didn't smother you--

- Where you going?
DALE: See you next week.

I have an idea.
Why don't you try a suicide pact?

And I'm not talking about throwing yourself
off a building or some sleeping-pills shit.

I'm talking about,
you fuck each other to death.

Where the fuck do you think you're going?
I own you!

Well, we have several franchise opportunities
available in your area.

But, uh, purchasing a store requires...

...a significant up-front investment.

Well, in that case...

...start me off with three locations.

I'm sure that we can accommodate you,
Mr. Jones.

[JONES CHUCKLES]

Please. Mr. Jones? That's my daddy.

Call me Motherfucker.

Every-- This guy.

Okay. First we tie up Rex in one of those
abandoned warehouses off 3rd.

[ALL LAUGHING]

First we're gonna tie up Rex--

First we're gonna tie up Rex--
Fuck off, everyone.

As soon as Bart's car is underground, heh,
the police lose--

Bart's car goes underground, right?

Police lose the signal from the wire.

Do you guys validate parking? Not you
personally, obviously, that'd be racist.

[LAUGHING]

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
You're gonna pull into Space 4421--

I gotta call you back.

[ALL LAUGHING]

The bank foreclosed two days ago.

[DALE sums]

- Hey, but there is good news.
-Really?

[ALL LAUGHING]

"Really?"

We need to talk to somebody legitimate.

We need to find someone
who can get us our company back.

I can't take you to the next scene
any better than that. I can't.

[CREW LAUGHS]

Well, then lwould marry Daniel Craig...

...l'd fuck Sean Connery
and kill Timothy Dalton.

I would marry Ed Helms, fuck Bradley
Cooper and kill Zach Galifianakis.

Marry Crackle, fuck Snap, kill Pop. Right?

Oh, my God.
Do you know what this looks like?

What?

It looks like we don't know what we're doing.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Boy, I'd love it if you'd stop saying my name.

[LAUGHING]

Hang on a second. Hey, freeze.

Guess who's got the gun now.

ME.

[CHUCKLING]

Where do you think she learned it?

Maybe from the first movie.

- Get that chair ready. I'm gonna take a tinkle.
-Oh, but I'm thirsty.

Save me a shake.

[SNICKERS]

I just can't say it.

So you wanna use the ransom...

What is it?

WOMAN: "Y'all plan to use the ransom
to save y'all business."

I just like to hear you say it.

[CREW LAUGHING]

Come on, man.

Help me help you get revenge
on my asshole...

[KURT MUMBLING]

- My assholem.
-Asshole dad.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

You have to take what's yours in this--
In this...

[LAUGHS]

- I mean, you have to...
-You have to--

-...take what's yours in this life.
-Take it.

Grab it!

You will pass your empty,
sac-less ball sacs--

[CHUCKLING]
No, that's...

[ALL CHUCKLING]

"Empty shriveled sacs." They're shriveled.
I should know thatjust looking at you.

[CREW CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

MAN:
That's your credit picture right there.

[CREW LAUGHING]

- Here comes the heavy.
-I smell dog shit.

- Do you really?
-Yeah.

It might be your acting.

[LAUGHING]

[English - US - SDH]