Original subtitles

Berg: hey, shar.

Hey, guys. I need 4 large Pizzas with everything,

And, uh, 2 double cheese.

Oh, good. You get a Complimentary muu muu with that.

No, johnny's sisters are In town for mother's day,

And all 4 are meeting Me here for lunch.

Oh, my god.

Where's the pizza?

4 sisters... Who Just can't say no.

I swear, berg, I don't Know any of them.

Sharon? Yeah.

This is joni, wendy, Linda, and patty.

What a precious little flower.

I bet there's not a Stretch mark on that body.

Why don't we, uh, Grab a booth here?

You expect me to Squeeze into a booth?

I can barely squeeze onto a bus.

A table's nice. Right here.

Excuse me. Where's Your ladies' room?

Berg: oh, yeah, it's Right over there.

Hey, slim. Food.

Hey, tinkerbelle. It's coming.

Come on, berg, ease Up. She's pregnant.

You know, I'll bet she'd like A cannoli while she waits.

And you, pencil-neck,

Hustle me up a root beer.

Right away, ma'am.

Anything for your alien host?

Why didn't you tell me that 3 Of your sisters are pregnant?

I don't know.

They're always Pregnant. I mean...

Everybody in my Family loves kids.

Patty has 7, wendy Has 5, and linda has 3.

And joni, none Yet, but, you know,

She's only been married a year.

Hey, everyone, I just threw up!

Yay!

Well, it's about time!

Hi, shar. You want some coffee?

Coffee? You're just Now having coffee?

Johnny and I have already Taken 2 of his nephews

On a seashell hunt

And stopped for Pancakes on the way back.

Here's your paper.

Saved you the trip.

Well, that blows my Plan for this morning.

You know, at first

I thought I was Making a huge mistake

When I volunteered To help patty out.

But those kids are so adorable.

So alive, so curious. They Give me so much energy.

They're like little 2-foot-high ginseng.

Hey, sharon, if You're going to rob us,

Have the decency to tie me up.

Hey!

No, we're going to the park.

Ok, I got your golf club And your boomerang.

Ohh! Where's that thing

That berg gave you For your birthday?

Oh, my super-deluxe Turbo water blaster? Yeah!

That's not for kids.

We're waiting, aunt sharon.

Ha ha. Did you hear that, Pete? I'm an aunt sharon.

I need a nap.

Oh, ho ho ho ho.

Where... Where you going?

This is dr. Staretski.

He's amazing. I Have to meet him.

Excuse me. Um, dr. Staretski?

I'm ashley walker.

Enchanted.

And I'm her boyfriend Michael bergen.

Really?

We're the top 2 Students in the class.

One, two.

Buckle my shoe Buckle my shoe. Oh!

Brilliant and... And funny.

Lovely and perceptive.

Oh, professor.

Nauseous and sick.

Come on, honey, the Back row's filling up.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait.

Professor staretski,

I... I really enjoyed your Journal article on hydrotherapy

And the regeneration Of muscles after trauma.

Well, thank you. I've Written more on the subject.

You'd probably devour My entire body of work.

Oh, I'm sure I would.

You should apply to be My new research assistant.

It would be a pleasure To have you on my staff.

Oh, well... Time for class.

It's been nice Meeting you... Both.

Perhaps we can Talk about it later.

Devour his body of work?

What's the problem?

Oh, nothing. I just couldn't tell If we were in a med school lecture

Or a med school porno film.

Good morning. I Am dr. Staretski.

I became professor of Anatomy because I am...

In awe of the human form.

The body's capacity For terrifying violence

And tender passion

Has aroused man's fascination Since the beginning of time.

I will teach you to love The human body as I do.

I'm dr. Staretski,

And I became a professor of...

Anatomy so I could Be... A dirty old man.

Boy: pizza!

Wait! Hold it!

You see that there table, men?

We're gonna take that table And ain't no one's gonna stop us.

I'm scared, sarge.

We're all scared.

Now move out!

Aah! Yay!

Charge!

Shoot me, please.

Sharon, they look like They're having a great time.

Of course they're Having a good time.

They're so full of Energy, and if they run out,

They just suck up all of mine.

They're like little Energy vampires.

Why do I smell peanut butter?

Oh, oh, oh. I used it to get The chewing gum out of my hair.

I swear I'm going To strangle... Shh.

He's so cute.

How does patty Handle those kids?

It's very easy. She Gives them to you.

Here is it. Here's the pizza.

Oh. Yay! Yay!

Come on, shar. We'll race you home.

Come on, you guys. Last One home's a rotten egg!

Yay, ok.

I lose.

Hi, berg.

Hi.

I got some really exciting news.

I've got an interview With dr. Staretski tonight.

What about dinner tonight?

Oh, don't worry. I Canceled at the restaurant.

What?!

Well, I think I really Have a shot at this job.

I mean, with my Qualifications and all.

No, no. He's not interested In your qualifications, ashley.

He's interested in Your... Qualifications.

Oh. Oh, gosh, That's right, berg.

It couldn't possibly be because I'm the number one med student

In the class.

How many times a day Does she point that out?

Ashley, I'm sorry. I'm Putting my foot down.

You are not...

Going to that interview With dr. Staretski.

Oh, ok, berg.

I didn't... I guess I just Didn't really realize

It was going to Upset you this much.

Well, it does.

Ok. Well, whatever You want me to do.

Well, that was a fun Trip back to the fifties.

Now get out of my face.

Unh!

I see you.

Hey, sharon.

Hey, patty.

You went to the Gym to escape, huh?

Oh, no, no, no. I just Really needed to work out.

Grab a chair, honey.

I'd work out, too, you know,

But I don't want to Ruin this girlish figure.

Oh, no, no, no. I think Pregnant women are beautiful.

Yeah, between the bloating And the constipation,

The beauty just Shines right through.

Patty, can I ask you something?

Sure.

How the hell do you do it?

I... I mean, no offense, your Kids are great and everything...

Whoa, oh. You must be hanging Out with the wrong kids.

My kids are holy terrors.

Well, if it's so hard, why Do you keep on having them?

What can I say? I tried to quit Smoking, and the patch didn't work.

My kids really scared the Hell out of you, didn't they?

No, no, not really.

Sort of.

A lot.

I understand. I Know you're scared.

But it's a beautiful thing That we women can do.

To carry a baby.

To bring life into this world.

And don't worry. You Wouldn't be doing it alone.

You've got johnny. And we raised him good.

So... Johnny definitely Wants to have kids?

Wants 'em? He's gotta have 'em.

He's the only boy.

He's gotta carry On the family name.

So from the entire donnelly Family to you, sharon,

Happy mother's day.

Hey, ashley. It's, Uh, berg calling,

Seeing how the interview went.

Just being a supportive Boyfriend of the nineties.

Call me.

Am I being crazy?

Of course you are.

I mean, it's not like ashley has a History of falling for her professors.

Oh, wait a minute. Her ex-boyfriend Was a professor. My bad.

You're enjoying This, aren't you?

Like christmas in may.

You know what?

I'm fine with this.

A-ashley and I are Fine with this, ok?

I'm just... I'm overreacting.

Not from what I heard.

Well, lookie lookie.

The rat has come For his cheese fix.

Fine. I won't tell You what I know.

It'll probably make you upset.

Oh, wait! That's Why I came. Ha ha.

Well, whatever it is, Kamen, I'm not interested.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah?

It's about ashley. Spill it.

Wouldn't you say ashley Idolizes dr. Staretski?

I mean, I've never seen her Act like that around anyone.

You've never seen the Way she worships me.

Like I said.

Anyway, the guy's Quite an operator.

He works from his house.

Hires only women, And get this...

Paints nudes.

And a person who Paints nudes needs...

A person without her clothes?

Exactly.

Ashley would never do that.

Yeah, she might just Skip the strip tease

And jump right in The sack with him.

Kamen, that's my girlfriend You're talking about there.

Yes, I know.

Unpleasant, isn 't it?

Actually, no.

No, you've been... You've been very helpful.

Thank you.

No, no, no, don't thank me.

You should be mortally wounded.

I've been suspicious Of this guy,

And this gives me just the ammo I need to go in there and nail him.

This is all wrong.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Here's the stuff I borrowed.

Two-iron's a little bent.

Oh, and your boomerang, It doesn't come back.

I don't ever want to have kids.

Oh, come on, shar. They'll Be gone in a few days.

No, I mean ever.

Ha. What are you talking about?

There are certain people That shouldn't be allowed

To be parents and... I am their queen.

Come on, sharon.

It's going to be different When you have your own kids.

No, no, no, no, no.

This body ain't havin' kids.

There's... Pulling And... And stretching...

And... And... And Your feet grow!

I mean, I'm already a size 9.

I'm going to look like bozo.

Bozo's a lot of fun.

Aah!

18 hours of grueling pain.

Not the hair. Not the hair.

Followed by a Lifetime of torment.

I mean, the contractions Stop, but the labor never ends.

Ahh! Thank you, epilady.

Come on, shar.

What's really going on?

Pete...

If a woman doesn't Want to have kids,

Does that make her Less of a woman?

Does it make her a bad person?

Of course not.

It might make her A bad baby-sitter.

Shar, you know what?

I think you're a Wonderful person

Whether you want kids or not.

Well, I don't think Johnny's going to think so.

He wants kids.

Well, then you'll deal with it.

Yeah, because if I was The one in love with you,

I can't think of anyone Else I'd rather have...

Be afraid to have my children.

Why do you always know The right thing to say?

Why are you the only One that tells me that?

Johnny: hey, pete, you in there?

I need to borrow some super Glue before sharon gets home.

Go talk to him.

Ohh.

Hi.

Hey.

This wasn't expensive, was it?

Ha!

There you are.

Why, yes, you Caught me red-handed

At home in my office.

I'm sorry, mr. Bergen.

If you're here for an interview,

The job is already taken.

Let me guess. Uh, you've Already given the job to ashley.

Yes, she came in, and she Performed marvelously.

Oh, my god.

I'm too late, aren't I?

I'm afraid so. Now If you'll excuse me...

Why? Why? Is ashley On her way back here?

No.

Where is she?

Not here. Now will you go away?

I have some finishing touches To do on my latest painting.

Oh, you mean your Latest nude painting.

Yes.

You make me sick.

I'm sorry if it makes you Feel so uncomfortable.

But that's your Hang-up, not mine.

Great artists of the Renaissance, through their work,

Were the first Teachers of anatomy.

Oh, oh, you and your high And mighty mumbo jumbo.

You know... It's People like you...

It's people like you that...

Uh... Hey... Hey... Hey... Hey... Whatcha doin'?

The naked body is A beautiful thing,

And what better and more Available subject than myself?

That's why I do Nude self-portraits.

Nude self-portraits?

Oh, oh!

Uh... Lovely. Um...

I love the way You've captured the...

With the... Uh... Whoo! So, uh...

You don't paint, like, Research assistants.

Of course not. That Would be obscene.

Right.

Wow, one of us is really... Really embarrassed, and, uh...

Oddly enough, it's the Guy wearing clothes.

I'm just gonna leave.

Mr. Bergen, would You do me a favor?

Ashley is doing research For me in the medical library.

On your way home, would You swing by and let her know

That her paranoid, insecure, and, I might add, irritating boyfriend

Has just got her fired.

Sure thing.

Ok, ok, I know I wasn't Especially right.

Ok, I was blatantly wrong.

But... But staretski should have Taken it out on me and not you.

We are a couple. Everything You do reflects on me,

And you can't be acting like a Crazy, jealous, irrational idiot.

I'm sorry. It's who I am.

Well, who you are Is unacceptable.

Come on, kids, quiet down.

I'm trying to time your Mother's contractions.

This is unusual.

Thank god you're here. We have a situation.

What's going on?

I... I came over to pick the Kids up and my water broke.

We need a new welcome mat.

Arrrggghhh!

Aaaaah!

Sharon, what are you doing?

Chopping. Just chopping.

Ok, we-we-we've got to Get you to the hospital now.

Yeah.

No, my... Johnny's gettin' my Sister wendy on the phone.

She's my midwife. She Delivered the last 4.

Ok, I just talked to Wendy. She's on her way.

She'll be here in half an hour.

Oh, oh, no. Too late.

Agggghhhh! It's Comin'. It's comin'.

Who's got the biggest hands?

How can it becoming? You just went into labor.

Honey, I've had 7 kids.

My birth canal is Like a water slide.

You're in med School. Do something.

You're right. You're Right. I'm gonna... I'm gonna...

Go home and get my notes.

I'll give you a ride on my bike.

Handlebars!

Ashley: no, you can't Call handlebars inside.

Ok, all right. Everyone calm down.

Ok? Everything is under control.

All right, sharon, Get some towels.

I don't want to get the towels.

Get some towels. I don't Want to get the towels.

Get some towels!

Call your family, johnny. Look, I need your help.

No, berg, we don't Know what we're doing.

Yes, yes, we can.

Ok, we're just going to Take her into the bedroom.

Come on. Here we go.

Berg, berg, your Bedroom's on the left.

I know.

Ok. Ok, the head is crowning.

Just push. You're doing fine.

I know I'm doing fine. I Do this every 10 months.

Ok, don't... Don't Forget to breathe.

I... I am.

I was talking to sharon.

Ohh!

Hey, let's lay down Some newspaper.

Come on. It's very sterile.

Hey, miracle oh, Oh, oh, cooties!

Shouldn't I be doing something?

We got a big enough crowd here.

Why don't you start Selling peanuts?

Ok, ok, patty. Give me one More push. Here we go.

Unnnhh!

Ok, all right, I can See the whole face.

Rest. Rest a second. Give You some rest, all right.

Ok, now, I'm going to Rotate the shoulders

And I'm going to ask you To give one last push.

Berg, you're doing A fantastic job.

Whoa! That's beautiful!

You know what we need?

A camera. A camera! I'm Going to go out and buy one.

Sharon, I got a knot in my shoe.

Oh, andy, now's not a good time.

Give it here, andy.

Ok, push!

Arrrggghhh.

There you go, sweetie.

Thanks, mom.

Arrrggghhh.

Ok, all right. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

It's a... It's a Girl. It's a girl.

Oh, and it only took me 8 tries.

Whoo! Johnny, I can Sure use some ice chips.

Oh, my god. Who do you Want to cut the cord?

Oh, is the mayor here?

Could I?

Yeah.

Sharon, will you Grab that blanket?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey. That's My grandmother's.

You hold her.

No, I don't think so.

I said hold her.

Come on, sharon. You can do it.

Support the head.

Oh, gosh!

Hello.

Look at you.

So little.

I'm your uncle johnny.

You like the zoo?

Oh, look at the Little finger nails.

Hi. I'm your aunt sharon.

Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

Oh, pete, look.

All right, I said you could Hold her not adopt her.

Bye, sweet thing.

Ohh.

So that's where they come from.

Berg, you were incredible.

You were so calm, So professional,

So wonderful.

Well, that's also who I am.

Think they'll let us baby-sit?

Sure you know what you're Getting yourself into?

Yeah.

And now for an encore,

I'm gonna breast-feed.

Happy mother's day.

So that's where they come from.

Oh, oh, oh, cooties.

Hey!

Man: in front!