Original subtitles

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

(GATE CREAKING)

(SCREECHING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

(CACKLING)

(CRYPTKEPER SPEAKING)

(BELL TOLLING)

Greetings, traveI fiends.

It's so exciting being here in London.

I'm aIready feeIing right at tomb.

Care to join me for a IittIe fright-seeing?

Or maybe we couId find a nice ub and tuck into some authentic fIesh and chips.

(CHUCKLING)

Or we couId go check out my EngIish scare-itage.

I bet you didn't know your paI, the Crypt Keeper,

was one of the crowned ghouIs, did you, creeps?

I've got aII kinds of skeIetons in my cIoset,

which is kind of Iike the famiIy in tonight's taIe.

you couId caII it, ''father Knows Beast,''

but I prefer, ''fataI Caper.''

My God, what have I done?

(GUNSHOT)

MyCROfT: Retiring? you? REDMOND: I didn't say today.

And I don't mean tomorrow, but, soon, Mycroft.

you're a young man stiII.

young men don't retire, unIess of course they're my sons.

TaIk to Miss Havisham. Just Iisten to what she's got to say.

I do not want some oId trout rooting through my affairs.

It's a smaII change. you're never too oId to change.

I am. I'm dying.

I'm for the worms, oId boy.

AII these years, I've given you a bIoody good Iiving.

And now that I reaIIy need you, you want to hand me over to some ghastIy dragon

who knows nothing about me.

My Iast wiII and testament has to be handIed properIy!

And because I appreciate that, I brought in Miss Havisham.

In matters Iike this, she's a speciaIist. She's the best.

(MyCROfT EXCLAIMING)

WeII, I suppose, Redmond,

if you feeI that strongIy about her...

Why don't we start at the beginning, Lord Amberson?

you want to change your wiII. Why?

As I'm sure Redmond's aIready toId you, Miss Havisham,

my Iife's in a bit of a muddIe just now.

I'm not weII. No, weak hearts

run in the famiIy.

With the time I've got Ieft, I want to get things in order.

PIease, do go on.

WeII, I've got three sons, you know.

About 15 years ago,

one of them Ieft.

MYCROFT:' COme On:

I don't want your sort in my house!

Come on. Get out.

Get out!

MyCROfT: frank, he was caIIed.

Haven't heard from him since.

I've begun to see now that he was the smart one.

HAVISHAM: TeII me about your other sons.

(CHANTING)

(INDIAN DEVOTIONAL MUSIC PLAyING ON STEREO)

-Can you feeI anything? -yes.

Can you?

God, this tantric sex stuff is briIIiant.

(CHANTING)

I suppose I was the same way in my time.

TeII me about your other son.

EveIyn.

I know these enveIopes were the staff's Christmas bonuses, father.

I'm not stupid, you know.

When you hear why I took them, I think you'II be quite pIeased with me.

£50 each?

ReaIIy, father, I think you've taught me better than that.

you shouId give them £10 and teII them to keep up the good work.

Then give me the £40.

yes, I see the probIem.

I've raised a coupIe of monsters.

The thought of Ieaving them my house,

my money, my titIe...

And was frank so very different?

-That's why I disowned him. -And now you regret it?

Right. This is going to be tricky.

The first thing you have to do is teII them.

What, EveIyn, Justin?

-you must. -They'd kiII me.

WouIdn't take much. I'm not a weII man.

you must, Lord Amberson. ReaIIy, you must.

EVELyN: I'm sure you've given this a great deaI of consideration, father,

being the cIever man you are, but...

What exactIy does the new wiII say?

It says quite simpIy that the two of you must Iocate your younger brother

within six months of your father's demise if you are to receive your inheritance.

What?

Nobody's heard from frank in 15 years.

What if we can't find him?

Then it aII goes to charity, the house, the money, everything.

Charity!

And the titIe?

Oh, weII, the titIe is yours.

you're the eIdest, you can't exactIy give it away.

WeII, that's not so bad.

Righty-ho, then. Everyone gets what they deserve.

you get titIed, you get dead.

-And I get nothing. -Maybe that's what you deserve.

Shut up!

And as for you, you meddIing bitch...

That's enough!

Get off me, you crazy oId man!

If you think I'm going to stand for this after a Iifetime of fiIiaI devotion...

So that's what you caII devotion, is it?

Keeping his arsehoIe warm with your face?

I toId you to shut up!

The whoIe idea is grossIy unfair. I refuse to accept it.

It doesn't matter whether you accept it or not.

There's nothing you can do about it.

That's what you think, girIie. There's pIenty I can do.

I'II have the oId bastard committed.

ActuaIIy, I think father's right, changing his wiII.

fine. I'II have you both committed.

Maybe they'II even Iet me throw the switch for your shock therapy.

What's the matter with you? Miss your morning feeding, did you?

Stop it! for God's sake.

PIease, I wanted to bring you aII together, not give you cause to fight.

(GRUNTING)

My heart...

(GASPING)

(GROANING)

for God's sake, caII an ambuIance!

OId man, either you change your wiII back to the way it was, or I swear to God, I'II...

father?

He's faking it.

HAVISHAM: I feeI awfuI about this. It's aII my fauIt. I forced him to teII them.

He knew it was a mistake.

The important thing is the wiII was redrawn on time.

Just make sure Mycroft's wishes are carried out.

-Where's Justin? -He doesn't Iike funeraIs.

He's inside. Meditating.

(JUSTIN SOBBING)

(SNIffLING)

Oh, that's incredibIe.

I'm going back to the office. CaII me.

My God, you're disgusting.

It's not what you think.

Morning, sir.

AII right, then, maybe it is, but I didn't do it for me, I did it for father.

you know why he's happy just to have the titIe, don't you?

-He thinks it's another way to get women. -BoIIocks!

I don't need a titIe to get women. I'II show you.

Are you coming up, darIing? Bed's stiII warm.

What about if I did have a titIe? WouId that heIp?

Sorry, I find you even more disgusting than he does.

PIease yourseIf.

Makes your skin crawI, doesn't it?

your brother frank, what was he Iike?

WeII, he was

sensitive, I suppose.

I remember when he was IittIe,

he wouId Iook up at me with these wide, admiring eyes.

Drove me out of my fucking mind.

God, I hated the IittIe bastard.

And you reaIIy haven't seen him for 15 years?

Not a peep. We're weII rid of each other.

Good, I hope so, because I'd hate to cheat him out of anything.

Cheat him?

What I'm about to say is wrong.

Even thinking about it vioIates the trust your father pIaced in me.

you see, there's a codiciI in his wiII.

And it stipuIates

that if onIy one of his descendants remains before the deadIine runs out,

then that person gets everything, house, money.

I'd be wiIIing to make that happen for you.

for a price, of course.

Miss Havisham,

are you suggesting that we kiII my brother?

-How much exactIy did you want? -first thing's first.

''Return to sender.'' ''Not known at this address.'' ''Return to sender.''

We've sent Ietters to every address we couId think of. The boy's vanished.

WouId it be possibIe, before time runs out, to have frank decIared IegaIIy dead?

But we've onIy just begun to search for him.

If you want your money,

and for aII we know that's your soIe reason for Iiving,

you'd better find him.

fiona.

What did it say in father's wiII, the part about finding frank?

It said, ''OnIy after using aII means at your disposaI...''

AII means at our disposaI.

We haven't done that yet, have we?

We couId hire a detective.

Detectives cost money.

Does it say anything about cost in the wiII?

-WeII, actuaIIy... -Right. Of course.

for a moment there, I forgot who I was deaIing with.

I have an idea that wiII teII us if frank is aIive or dead.

And it won't cost us a bIeeding thing. A séance.

I want to communicate with father's spirit.

Now, if frank is dead, I'm sure father wiII know aII about it.

If frank's aIive, weII, then, we'II have to continue the search.

God, I hate you.

Now, fiona, I'm sure that a consummate professionaI such as yourseIf

couId not rest assured knowing she hadn't done her job to the very best of her abiIity.

UnIess, of course, there was some...hidden agenda.

WeII, I don't see what harm there wouId be in it.

(WHIRRING)

MarveIous.

Do you reaIIy think he's up to something?

I know he is.

your brother may be a sex maniac and a cad but I hardIy think he's maIicious.

Oh.

(PANTING)

(SNICKERS)

MYCROFT:' Evelyn, I'm warning yOu, heedmy desires:

YOur brOther is aIive:

AndifyOu want yOur mOney, yOu'dbetter get yOur fat arse mOving:

-Pathetic. -It's ridicuIous.

-I mean, why wouId he go to such Iengths? -for your benefit, I'm sure.

How Iong wiII it take to have frank decIared IegaIIy dead?

I'II start the paperwork today.

So, what are you going to do?

I'm going to bring father back from the dead.

(EXCLAIMS)

(JUSTIN SPEAKING IN fOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Gatekeeper of the spirit worId,

permit us mortaIs a moment's transgression onto your pIane.

The gates have opened for us.

This is crap.

(JUSTIN SHUSHING)

father,

those you have Ieft behind seek counciI with you.

Are you there?

MYCROFT:' justin:::

father? Is that you?

We have Iooked for frank. We cannot find him.

Have you seen him there, in the afterIife?

for Christ's sake...

Evelyn, I'm warning yOu, heedmy desires:

YOur brOther is aIive:

-JUSTIN: frank's aIive! -AndifyOu want yOur mOney

-yOu'dbetter get yOur fat arse::: -EVELyN: I've had enough.

you're breaking the connection!

Evelyn, heed yOur brOther!I I've gOt mOre tO say!I

YOur brOther justin mOCKs me:

EVELyN: Oh, my God!

What the heII is going on?

(SHUDDERING)

(GASPING)

Chest hurts, does it?

Good.

I hope it stays Iike that for the rest of eternity.

-fuck you. -No. fuck you.

-Hurry up. -I am. I am.

(EVELyN SIGHING)

So, tomorrow, we make reservations

at some secIuded hoteI up north

using Justin's credit card.

-Isn't that the pIan? -Right.

And, if anyone asks,

we just say that he's gone to a hoteI to meet someone.

you reaIIy have thought of everything.

I just wanted to make sure you got your money's worth.

Right. Let's get this over with.

I'm afraid you're going to have to heIp me.

-Justin? -Surprise!

-But you were dead. -Tantric sexuaI breathing exercise.

Heightens orgasm

and gets fat, greedy sibIing to waIk into trap.

If you're trying to scare me, it's working.

you have no reason to be angry at me.

Miss Havisham, pIease, pIease!

-you can't Iet him do this to me! -I'm afraid I can.

He offered me a Iot more money.

No. No!

(GROANING)

-I aIways said he was hard-hearted. -Come on. Let's get this over with.

(GRUNTING)

you know, you and I, we make a pretty good team.

How about once this IittIe nastiness is over

we do a spot of horizontaI teamwork?

Justin, I wouIdn't have sex with you if the survivaI of the species depended on it.

Not even if you had a titIe.

(SNICKERS)

you don't know what you're missing, darIing.

-you couId heIp, you know. -I think I'd rather not.

I'm going to spend my inheritance getting this bIoody hernia fixed!

Can I heIp you?

(GROANING)

What a terribIe way to go.

Weak heart.

Runs in the famiIy.

(SNICKERS)

I spoke with frank this morning, Lord Amberson.

He's reaIIy Iooking forward to seeing you.

Mycroft. PIease.

I'm Iooking forward to seeing him.

WeII done, fiona, if I may be so famiIiar.

you know, I may be a bit oIder,

but I stiII know a thing or two about pIeasuring a woman.

-you have beautifuI breasts. -Thank you.

The truth is, I've had them done.

In fact, there is another piece of surgery that you shouId know about.

I've been waiting, you see, for the money I'm about to inherit.

Oh, God!

you're a feIIa.

HeIIo, Daddy.

(STUTTERING) frank?

you said you wanted to put your affairs in order.

MyCROfT: My God, what have I done?

ExactIy what you wanted to do.

Sorry, we can't stay for a chat. The poIice wiII be here in a minute.

(GUNSHOT)

Come on. Let's go.

He's right, you know. you do have a beautifuI body.

If I wasn't so set in my ways, I'd think about having a go at you myseIf.

you're never too oId to change.

(REDMOND LAUGHING)

In the end Mycroft just didn't make the cut.

Then again, neither had frank.

(SNICKERING)

I bet that's one son-rise Mycroft wishes he'd never seen.

(CACKLING)

WeII, kiddies, Iooks Iike I'II be staying in EngIand for a whiIe.

I think we'II aII enjoy the trip.

And when we finaIIy do go home

I'm sure we'II have Iots of souven-ears.

(CACKLING)

(LAUGHING)