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[CHEERY MUSIC]
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Don't you just love the holidays?
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The only holiday
I respect is Mother's Day,
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00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:09,376
'cause I feel directly responsible
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00:00:09,409 --> 00:00:11,545
- for my mother's pain.
- You do have a huge head.
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00:00:11,578 --> 00:00:14,281
I'll bet your birthday
causes your mom PTSD.
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00:00:14,314 --> 00:00:16,316
Maybe I'll just get
Kate and John gift cards.
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00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,751
You're asking for a promotion.
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00:00:17,784 --> 00:00:19,419
You gotta get 'em something
better than a gift card.
10
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:21,088
No way. Gift cards are the perfect way
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00:00:21,121 --> 00:00:22,322
to show someone you don't care about
12
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,924
that you really care about them.
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00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,359
Wait, you're getting reimbursed
14
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:26,760
for the decorations
for the office party, right?
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00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:27,895
No, but it's fine.
16
00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:30,964
Okay, that'll be $837.98.
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Jesus! Fucking. Fuck you.
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00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,468
What! Whoa!
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- Okay.
- [ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS]
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00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:38,505
Sir, if you're not gonna
buy that, please put it down.
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00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,375
Wow, just some more casual
anti-Semitism thrown in my face.
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00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:43,010
I don't like him, either.
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00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,379
Holiday gift giving
is bullshit forced generosity.
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00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:46,613
If I get gifts for people,
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00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:47,948
I'm just doing what I'm supposed to.
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00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,583
If I don't get gifts for people,
I'm an asshole
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00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,552
for not participating in
a made-up corporate holiday.
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00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,086
It's a trap, and I'm a victim.
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No, holidays are good.
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They're your one chance
to make up for being
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a huge disappointment
the rest of the year.
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Make this a September to remember
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00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:02,362
by getting twin touch screen Obelisks
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00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,064
for the price of one.
35
00:01:04,097 --> 00:01:05,454
The Obelisk 5.0.
36
00:01:05,546 --> 00:01:07,665
On sale this Remember Day.
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I don't know.
Something about Remember Day
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just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
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[ROCK MUSIC]
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♪
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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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[SOLEMN MUSIC]
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Yesterday will always be remembered
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as a somber day in American history.
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Now more than ever,
Americans need to shop
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at Hampton Deville affiliated stores.
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We have a moral duty as a company
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to monetize this tragedy,
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because if we don't,
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the terrorists win.
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♪
52
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:01,321
Excuse me, Christian?
53
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:03,023
We have an idea.
54
00:02:04,224 --> 00:02:05,592
[CLEARS THROAT]
55
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:09,096
Why do people celebrate Christmas?
56
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,664
Trauma.
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00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:13,100
Americans fight through hell all year,
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and to reward themselves
at the end of it,
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they buy gifts.
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00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:19,173
Hallmark invented Valentine's Day;
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00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:21,175
Walmart invented the Fourth of July;
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00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:22,976
and Harbor Day, as we all know,
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- was invented by Carl's Jr.
- Carl's Jr.
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So we think it's time
for Hampton DeVille
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to create its own holiday.
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[STIRRING MUSIC]
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What are your names?
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- Kate.
- Shawn.
69
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:41,395
Kate and John...
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00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:42,629
Oh...
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That's...
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an excellent idea.
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[BOTH EXHALE EXCITEDLY]
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00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:51,038
2000 years ago,
Jesus Christ was crucified,
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and now every Easter, people buy
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00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,576
millions of dollars
worth of chocolate bunnies.
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Starting today,
we are going to plant the seeds
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00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:59,079
for a new holiday.
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We just have to wait
until the time is right.
80
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,883
This can't feel opportunistic.
81
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:04,718
It has to come straight from the heart.
82
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I'm thinking...
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♪
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20 years seems appropriate.
85
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[DRAMATIC DRUM BEAT]
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BOTH: It's Remember Day!
87
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[GEESE SQUAWKING]
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In studio with us today,
we have Hampton DeVille CEO,
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Christian DeVille.
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00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:24,738
- BOTH: Hey, Christian.
- It's great to be here.
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00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:26,206
You know, I'm a big fan of the show.
92
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- Ooh!
- Cheers.
93
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:28,976
- Ch-ching, ch-ching.
- Yay.
94
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:32,012
Fun fact: Hampton DeVille
actually coined the phrase,
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"Remember Day,"
so I guess that kinda makes you
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the Santa Clause of this holiday.
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- [LAUGHS] I like that.
- So Hampton DeVille
98
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:43,156
cares about all Americans,
and wants to give back.
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That's why you'll find great deals
100
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,894
on all Hampton DeVille products today.
101
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,195
And with every purchase,
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you'll receive
a red Remember Day string,
103
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and we suggest you tie it
around your finger
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to help you to remember.
105
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:57,938
If I have any more white wine,
I won't remember anything.
106
00:03:57,971 --> 00:03:59,806
- [LAUGHS]
- I might black out.
107
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Okay, let's go
a pinch more to the right.
108
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,510
No, to the right.
109
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:05,512
- And...
- Whoops.
110
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:07,981
- Grace...
- Matt, chill out.
111
00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,216
This is an office holiday party
112
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,884
for a bunch of bosses and employees
113
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,986
who make fun of you in email
threads behind your back.
114
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My coworkers are my family.
115
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I know that, because
they constantly mistreat me,
116
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,358
and I desperately need their approval.
117
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,194
Hey, so what's the deal
with the elephant?
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It's the Remember Day Memory Elephant.
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It helps you never forget.
120
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But wait, it's supposed to be
red, white, and blue.
121
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:27,601
Uh, the store only had grey elephants,
122
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:29,469
because that's the color
that elephants are.
123
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,538
Okay, well, I don't have time
for your excuses.
124
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:32,940
The party starts in two hours,
125
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:34,641
so I need you to go get
some art supplies
126
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and paint that elephant American.
127
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,812
Jeez, why is this so important to you?
128
00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:41,481
Why is this so important to you?
129
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:44,651
Because, Roger, you forgot to
buy the Christmas ham.
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That was our Christmas dinner.
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Without it, we don't have
Christmas, so good job!
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Oh, don't go blaming this on me.
133
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Would you keep your voice down?
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I don't want Matt to hear you.
135
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,328
I want him to hear us.
136
00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:55,929
Ever since he's moved back in here,
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our marriage has been falling apart!
138
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Well, you know what I want
for Christmas? A divorce!
139
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,636
Well, ho, ho, ho,
and call me Santa Clause,
140
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:04,238
because I'm giving you your wish.
141
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:06,073
Matt?
142
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What were you just thinking about?
143
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Nothing. All I know is that
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00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:12,412
holidays hold the potential
to ruin lives,
145
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,214
and I won't let that happen today.
146
00:05:14,248 --> 00:05:18,385
Okay, whatever,
I'll go paint the elephant.
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[EXHALES SHARPLY] Thank you, Paige.
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[CHEERY MUSIC]
149
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:24,858
Grace, higher.
150
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:26,827
Matt, I'm short, you tall monster.
151
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,228
Okay, I'll do it then.
152
00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:29,796
Coming up after the break,
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we've got a celebrity chef,
Theresa Marticinni.
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She's gonna be making us
traditional Remember Day goose.
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[GEESE SQUAWKING]
156
00:05:37,604 --> 00:05:38,572
- Thank you, Christian!
- Toodles.
157
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:39,873
My pleasure.
158
00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:44,745
Let me just get this mic
off of you real quick.
159
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:46,413
And while I got you here,
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00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:50,551
I just want you know, I think
you're a sick piece of shit.
161
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,119
Excuse me?
162
00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:53,620
Do you know who you're speaking to?
163
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:55,789
Yeah, a sick piece of shit,
who's totally comfortable
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exploiting emotionally vulnerable people
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to get a quick buck.
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Fuck you, Santa Clause.
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How do you live with yourself?
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[SOLEMN MUSIC]
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♪
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[WHISPERS] Kate...
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- Hey, Kate.
- I'm right here.
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[CHEERY MUSIC]
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Did you get your Remember Day bonus yet?
174
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No. Did you?
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You don't think he's forgotten
176
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that this holiday was our idea, do you?
177
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- On Remember Day?
- [SHARP EXHALES]
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00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,828
Okay, Jake, you're gonna go in there,
179
00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:37,264
and be confident and direct,
and exude raw sexual energy,
180
00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:39,566
which nobody can deny. Let's go.
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♪
182
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Oh, my God, perfect. You're both here.
183
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First of all, Happy Remember Day.
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- Aww, thank you, Jake.
- Aww.
185
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I'll get straight to the point.
186
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:54,081
Listen, I've been
a Junior Executive in Training
187
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:55,382
for about five years now,
188
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,351
and it's technically a one-year program,
189
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so wow.
190
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Anyway, I am all trained up,
191
00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:02,789
and I'm ready to be a Junior Executive.
192
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,258
As my mentors,
193
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:07,027
promoting me would be
a huge win for both of you.
194
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,363
I'm your Shamu, you're my SeaWorld,
195
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:11,198
and let's just pretend
Blackfish never happened.
196
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,933
Who cares about whales? I don't.
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00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,468
First of all, Jake,
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we're surprised it took you
this long to ask.
199
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:20,974
Unfortunately,
the answer is no. [ECHOES]
200
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:22,276
Jake, here are the reasons
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00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:23,744
you will not be getting this promotion.
202
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,279
You come into work
with cat hair on your suit.
203
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:26,680
So much cat hair
that I'm sometimes like,
204
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:28,048
- "What's going on here?"
- What's going on?
205
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,149
What's happening? [INDISTINCT]
206
00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:31,785
Unfortunately, the answer is no.
207
00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:33,787
We're not gonna sign you
to our record label.
208
00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:35,856
And can I give you some advice?
209
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,958
No. I'm here to rock.
210
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,693
The music industry has gone corporate.
211
00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:41,828
Fuck corporate America.
212
00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:43,964
Two, three, four.
213
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:46,867
♪ America is a corporation ♪
214
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♪ And I hate my supportive parents ♪
215
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,840
♪ North Korea is better than America ♪
216
00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:55,843
♪ And I can't pay my student loans ♪
217
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:58,679
And Baron showed us
a video of your rap rock band,
218
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,347
- so there's that.
- Yikes.
219
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:02,649
Quite frankly,
you're lucky to even have a job.
220
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:04,952
- [GASPS] ♪ Gift card ♪
- Wow.
221
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,053
How much is on it?
222
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,240
All right, just wanna
double-check we have everything.
223
00:08:09,295 --> 00:08:10,873
We've got Remember Nog;
224
00:08:10,928 --> 00:08:13,030
Paige painted the elephant;
225
00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:16,360
- and you got the Remember...
- Grace, I got it, okay?
226
00:08:16,393 --> 00:08:18,996
- I'm not gonna screw this up.
- I'm gonna screw you up!
227
00:08:19,029 --> 00:08:20,631
I hate this bullshit holiday...
228
00:08:20,664 --> 00:08:24,134
[CROONS NERVOUSLY]
229
00:08:24,168 --> 00:08:25,803
Be careful up there.
230
00:08:29,306 --> 00:08:31,976
Hi, Dad... I mean, Mr. DeVille.
231
00:08:32,009 --> 00:08:35,446
- Happy Remember Day.
- Thank you.
232
00:08:35,479 --> 00:08:37,615
Can I ask you a question, uh...
233
00:08:37,648 --> 00:08:39,783
- Matt.
- Pat...
234
00:08:39,817 --> 00:08:42,519
what do you think about this holiday?
235
00:08:42,553 --> 00:08:43,921
I love it.
236
00:08:43,954 --> 00:08:45,789
Christmas kinda got ruined for me,
237
00:08:45,823 --> 00:08:48,125
so this holiday means a lot to me.
238
00:08:48,158 --> 00:08:51,358
[LAUGHS] I mean, I went
into a $1,000 credit card debt,
239
00:08:51,405 --> 00:08:53,063
buying all the decorations
for this party,
240
00:08:53,097 --> 00:08:55,399
but that's what it's all about, right?
241
00:08:55,432 --> 00:08:57,434
Honestly, Pat,
242
00:08:57,468 --> 00:08:59,937
I don't know
what it's all about anymore.
243
00:08:59,970 --> 00:09:02,406
This morning, someone made me
think about this holiday
244
00:09:02,439 --> 00:09:04,942
a little differently, and now...
245
00:09:04,975 --> 00:09:08,245
[EXHALES SLOWLY] Quite frankly...
246
00:09:08,279 --> 00:09:10,648
I'm spinning out of control...
247
00:09:10,681 --> 00:09:12,316
emotionally.
248
00:09:12,349 --> 00:09:14,852
Oh, well,
249
00:09:14,885 --> 00:09:16,420
you should come to the party later.
250
00:09:16,453 --> 00:09:19,523
I planned the whole thing.
We're gonna have Remember Nog.
251
00:09:19,557 --> 00:09:21,659
Maybe I'll stop by.
252
00:09:21,692 --> 00:09:23,327
[CHEERY MUSIC]
253
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:24,762
Oh, and we're cooking
254
00:09:24,795 --> 00:09:26,864
a traditional Remember Day goose, so...
255
00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:31,235
Goose...
256
00:09:32,303 --> 00:09:35,506
[TENSE STRING MUSIC BUILDS]
257
00:09:35,539 --> 00:09:36,907
[GROANS]
258
00:09:36,941 --> 00:09:40,311
Oh, holy Christ in heaven,
I forgot the goose.
259
00:09:40,344 --> 00:09:43,380
[PHONES RINGING DISTANTLY]
260
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,884
So I asked for that promotion,
and guess what?
261
00:09:46,917 --> 00:09:48,385
Jake, I don't have time
for you right now, okay?
262
00:09:48,419 --> 00:09:50,554
I have to redeem my father...
I mean, Christian.
263
00:09:50,588 --> 00:09:52,990
Listen, stop questioning me
right now, okay?
264
00:09:53,023 --> 00:09:55,526
All I know is I need to get a goose.
265
00:10:00,130 --> 00:10:02,233
[SLOW STRING MUSIC]
266
00:10:02,266 --> 00:10:05,736
This Remember Day,
show her you really care
267
00:10:05,769 --> 00:10:08,138
by giving her the gift
she'll always remember
268
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:09,673
and never forget,
269
00:10:09,707 --> 00:10:12,343
because she won't be able
to stop remembering.
270
00:10:12,376 --> 00:10:15,079
Here you go. Next!
271
00:10:15,112 --> 00:10:16,647
Listen, I know it's last minute,
272
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,048
but I need a goose.
273
00:10:18,082 --> 00:10:20,317
You gotta be a real fucking idiot
274
00:10:20,351 --> 00:10:22,920
not to order a goose
before Remember Day.
275
00:10:22,953 --> 00:10:25,923
[IMITATES TRUMPET]
What are you? A grade-A bozo?
276
00:10:25,956 --> 00:10:28,158
You got spaghetti
and meatballs for brains?
277
00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:30,494
Did you get dropped as a child?
278
00:10:30,527 --> 00:10:32,229
Or did God just think it would be funny
279
00:10:32,263 --> 00:10:36,333
to put mashed fucking potatoes
in your skull?
280
00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:38,502
- What's happening right now?
- Doesn't matter.
281
00:10:38,535 --> 00:10:41,338
That old lady got the last goose.
282
00:10:41,372 --> 00:10:43,240
You fucking idiot!
283
00:10:43,274 --> 00:10:46,310
- Get a life, you fucking moron!
- Excuse me...
284
00:10:46,343 --> 00:10:48,245
Excuse me, miss,
I'm sorry to bother you,
285
00:10:48,279 --> 00:10:51,315
and this is gonna sound crazy,
but I need that goose.
286
00:10:51,348 --> 00:10:52,816
I've got a Taser.
287
00:10:52,850 --> 00:10:55,619
Okay, uh, well, uh, listen,
I'll... I'll buy it off you.
288
00:10:55,653 --> 00:10:57,154
I'll... I'll give you $200.
289
00:10:57,187 --> 00:10:58,722
Fuck you. Go to rehab.
290
00:10:58,756 --> 00:11:00,791
Okay, hey... hey, excuse me.
Listen to me.
291
00:11:00,824 --> 00:11:01,859
Listen to me, I'm sorry,
292
00:11:01,892 --> 00:11:04,295
but this is really important to me.
293
00:11:04,328 --> 00:11:05,963
It's Remember Day,
294
00:11:05,996 --> 00:11:08,165
and as Americans, we need to
learn to come together more...
295
00:11:08,198 --> 00:11:10,200
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
- And just really... hey!
296
00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:12,236
Hold on! Ow!
297
00:11:12,269 --> 00:11:14,471
[GROANS] God, you didn't have to do...
298
00:11:14,505 --> 00:11:18,142
- [TASER BUZZING]
- [YELLING]
299
00:11:18,175 --> 00:11:20,644
I'll never forget where I was
when I found out.
300
00:11:20,678 --> 00:11:24,214
I was eating a bacon, egg,
and cheese croissant in my car.
301
00:11:24,248 --> 00:11:26,150
I was so upset,
I couldn't even finish it.
302
00:11:26,183 --> 00:11:28,052
Hm.
303
00:11:28,085 --> 00:11:29,453
I lied.
304
00:11:29,486 --> 00:11:31,255
I totally finished it.
305
00:11:31,288 --> 00:11:33,157
But I felt bad.
306
00:11:33,190 --> 00:11:35,426
I think the mayo was expired.
307
00:11:35,459 --> 00:11:37,861
I was actually, like,
308
00:11:37,895 --> 00:11:40,631
dead in the middle
of losing my virginity
309
00:11:40,664 --> 00:11:42,032
when it all happened.
310
00:11:42,066 --> 00:11:43,434
Yeah, the news came on the TV,
311
00:11:43,467 --> 00:11:45,202
and, well, long story short,
312
00:11:45,236 --> 00:11:50,040
uh, I've had a lot of
sexual problems ever since...
313
00:11:50,074 --> 00:11:52,409
- Hm.
- So...
314
00:11:52,443 --> 00:11:54,044
What about you, Paige?
315
00:11:54,078 --> 00:11:57,047
Oh, I actually can't remember
where I was that day.
316
00:11:57,081 --> 00:12:00,150
- How's that possible?
- I was six years old.
317
00:12:00,184 --> 00:12:02,494
- Fuck you.
- Hm.
318
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:04,455
[PIANO KEY PLAYS]
319
00:12:04,488 --> 00:12:05,789
Hey, Jake, what's wrong?
320
00:12:05,823 --> 00:12:08,325
Besides everything
that's happening around us.
321
00:12:08,359 --> 00:12:10,427
Oh, I don't know, let's see.
322
00:12:10,461 --> 00:12:13,130
I've worked here for five years,
can't get a promotion.
323
00:12:13,163 --> 00:12:15,366
- [PIANO KEY PLAYS]
- Nobody here cares about me,
324
00:12:15,399 --> 00:12:17,434
- not even Matt.
- [PIANO KEY PLAYS]
325
00:12:17,468 --> 00:12:18,936
My cat stopped sleeping in bed with me,
326
00:12:18,969 --> 00:12:21,438
and I can't figure out why,
and it's destroying me!
327
00:12:21,472 --> 00:12:23,274
[PIANO KEYS PLAY]
328
00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:26,143
So in summary, I think I'm gonna quit.
329
00:12:26,176 --> 00:12:29,346
[LOUNGING PIANO MUSIC]
330
00:12:29,380 --> 00:12:30,881
Whoops.
331
00:12:30,915 --> 00:12:33,117
Totally should've said something there.
332
00:12:33,150 --> 00:12:36,120
["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PIANO COVER PLAYS]
333
00:12:36,153 --> 00:12:43,193
♪
334
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,901
You forgot to buy the Christmas ham.
335
00:12:50,935 --> 00:12:52,903
Oh, don't go blaming this on me.
336
00:12:52,937 --> 00:12:55,839
You know what I want
for Christmas? A divorce!
337
00:12:55,873 --> 00:12:58,742
Well, ho, ho, ho,
and call me Santa Clause,
338
00:12:58,776 --> 00:13:00,411
because I'm giving you your wish.
339
00:13:00,444 --> 00:13:03,347
[GEESE SQUAWKING CHAOTICALLY]
340
00:13:03,380 --> 00:13:06,350
[JAUNTY BRASS MUSIC]
341
00:13:06,383 --> 00:13:08,285
♪
342
00:13:08,319 --> 00:13:10,821
BOTH: Happy Remember Day!
343
00:13:10,854 --> 00:13:12,323
Well, it's taken 16 years,
344
00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:14,225
but I think our little holiday
is finally taking off.
345
00:13:14,258 --> 00:13:16,694
Interest on store-bought credit
cards is through the roof.
346
00:13:16,727 --> 00:13:19,530
Next year, I think we can
go ahead with the parade.
347
00:13:19,563 --> 00:13:21,432
- That's great news.
- Quick side note-slash-
348
00:13:21,465 --> 00:13:22,600
awkwardly straightforward question,
349
00:13:22,633 --> 00:13:23,968
John and I were wondering
350
00:13:24,001 --> 00:13:27,037
when we can expect
our Remember Day bonuses.
351
00:13:27,071 --> 00:13:29,240
Is money all you can think about?
352
00:13:29,273 --> 00:13:30,374
♪
353
00:13:30,407 --> 00:13:33,344
It's fucking Remember Day.
354
00:13:33,377 --> 00:13:35,813
♪
355
00:13:35,846 --> 00:13:37,648
[SCOFFS]
356
00:13:37,681 --> 00:13:40,684
♪
357
00:13:40,718 --> 00:13:42,453
I got the goose.
358
00:13:42,486 --> 00:13:45,289
♪
359
00:13:45,322 --> 00:13:48,025
[ALL GASP, GROAN]
360
00:13:48,058 --> 00:13:50,394
- [GROANS]
- I brought the goose, okay?
361
00:13:50,427 --> 00:13:52,396
I didn't forget. There it is.
362
00:13:52,429 --> 00:13:54,899
So now we can all have fun
and enjoy ourselves.
363
00:13:54,932 --> 00:13:57,101
Remember Day isn't ruined.
364
00:13:57,134 --> 00:13:59,536
- That's a swan.
- Did you kill that swan?
365
00:13:59,570 --> 00:14:01,138
Oh, don't go blaming this on me!
366
00:14:01,171 --> 00:14:04,875
I did unforgivable things
to bring you people this goose,
367
00:14:04,909 --> 00:14:07,778
so somebody's gonna cook it,
and we're gonna eat it,
368
00:14:07,811 --> 00:14:10,381
because Hampton DeVille
is a family, God damn it.
369
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:11,815
[TENSE STRING MUSIC]
370
00:14:11,849 --> 00:14:15,653
My parents got divorced
on Christmas last year.
371
00:14:15,686 --> 00:14:18,856
Nobody touch the dead swan.
It looks diseased.
372
00:14:19,543 --> 00:14:23,230
I think what I learned is that
I have some repressed trauma,
373
00:14:23,308 --> 00:14:26,692
and I really tapped into that today.
374
00:14:26,736 --> 00:14:28,805
Matt, I want you to know that
375
00:14:28,856 --> 00:14:32,260
there is nothing you can do
to make this right,
376
00:14:32,340 --> 00:14:35,121
and you will go to your grave
a swan murderer.
377
00:14:35,196 --> 00:14:36,631
That's fair.
378
00:14:36,664 --> 00:14:38,433
But there's someone
who needs you right now.
379
00:14:38,466 --> 00:14:39,801
Jake didn't get the promotion,
380
00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:41,803
and he's thinking about
leaving the company.
381
00:14:41,836 --> 00:14:44,605
Oh, no, he tried to
talk to me earlier, but I was...
382
00:14:44,639 --> 00:14:46,841
Premeditating a swan murder.
383
00:14:46,874 --> 00:14:48,643
But let's not retread the past.
384
00:14:48,676 --> 00:14:51,712
Jake needs you, and I can't help him,
385
00:14:51,746 --> 00:14:54,949
because I just don't feel like it.
386
00:14:54,982 --> 00:14:57,952
[CHEERY STRING MUSIC]
387
00:14:57,985 --> 00:14:59,887
♪
388
00:14:59,921 --> 00:15:02,957
[TENSE STRING MUSIC BUILDS]
389
00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:04,892
♪
390
00:15:04,926 --> 00:15:07,128
You're in my chair.
391
00:15:07,161 --> 00:15:09,363
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I-I will leave.
392
00:15:11,866 --> 00:15:13,768
Sit back down.
393
00:15:13,801 --> 00:15:15,737
[RELIEVED EXHALE]
394
00:15:20,708 --> 00:15:23,644
[GROANS]
395
00:15:23,678 --> 00:15:26,214
- What's your name again?
- Jake.
396
00:15:26,247 --> 00:15:28,983
- Cake.
- Um...
397
00:15:29,016 --> 00:15:31,519
You wanna sit at
the big table, don't you, Cake?
398
00:15:31,552 --> 00:15:33,354
More than I've ever wanted anything.
399
00:15:33,388 --> 00:15:35,523
Let me ask you a question.
400
00:15:35,556 --> 00:15:38,760
Do you think Santa Clause is happy?
401
00:15:38,793 --> 00:15:40,862
I'm pretty Jewish, so...
402
00:15:40,895 --> 00:15:42,830
I don't think Santa's happy.
403
00:15:42,864 --> 00:15:46,734
I mean, maybe he started out happy,
404
00:15:46,768 --> 00:15:49,771
but he wanted to bring joy to the world,
405
00:15:49,804 --> 00:15:52,306
so he created Christmas.
406
00:15:52,340 --> 00:15:54,208
But after he went down enough chimneys,
407
00:15:54,242 --> 00:15:56,944
he found out
not everyone likes Christmas,
408
00:15:56,978 --> 00:16:01,649
that some people are
Jewish or Democrats,
409
00:16:01,682 --> 00:16:05,253
or they think Christmas
shouldn't be about gifts.
410
00:16:05,286 --> 00:16:09,757
So now Santa lives all alone
at the North Pole,
411
00:16:09,791 --> 00:16:14,762
surrounded by elves and reindeer
he underpays and doesn't trust,
412
00:16:14,796 --> 00:16:21,335
and he can't tell anymore
if Christmas is good or bad.
413
00:16:21,369 --> 00:16:22,904
[SIGHS]
414
00:16:22,937 --> 00:16:25,139
Trust me,
415
00:16:25,173 --> 00:16:28,810
Santa Clause isn't happy.
416
00:16:28,843 --> 00:16:32,280
You're better off being
a dirty fucking elf.
417
00:16:32,313 --> 00:16:33,867
[SOLEMN MUSIC]
418
00:16:33,938 --> 00:16:36,007
Is that cat hair on your suit?
419
00:16:36,517 --> 00:16:38,419
♪
420
00:16:38,453 --> 00:16:41,089
- Yes.
- I love cats.
421
00:16:41,122 --> 00:16:42,523
Me, too.
422
00:16:42,557 --> 00:16:45,460
- Now I'd like you to leave.
- Got it.
423
00:16:45,493 --> 00:16:51,866
♪
424
00:16:51,899 --> 00:16:54,209
Jesus! Fuck! Sorry.
425
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,938
Uh, I've had a bit of an emotional day.
426
00:16:56,971 --> 00:17:00,775
Oh, well, I understand.
427
00:17:00,808 --> 00:17:02,744
Say, what have you got there?
428
00:17:02,777 --> 00:17:06,047
Oh, well, there's one person
in this office
429
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:07,382
who had a worst day than me,
430
00:17:07,415 --> 00:17:09,951
and I thought this would cheer him up.
431
00:17:09,984 --> 00:17:11,686
You... you mean me?
432
00:17:11,719 --> 00:17:17,358
♪
433
00:17:17,392 --> 00:17:18,826
[GASPS]
434
00:17:18,860 --> 00:17:24,499
♪
435
00:17:24,532 --> 00:17:26,401
A guitar.
436
00:17:26,434 --> 00:17:29,170
- But I don't play.
- Oh.
437
00:17:29,203 --> 00:17:32,974
Why would you do
such a nice thing for me?
438
00:17:33,007 --> 00:17:37,478
Because it's Remember Day?
439
00:17:37,512 --> 00:17:40,882
- Thank you, Pat.
- Yeah, okay.
440
00:17:40,915 --> 00:17:43,885
[CHEERY MUSIC]
441
00:17:43,918 --> 00:17:45,353
♪♪
442
00:17:45,386 --> 00:17:46,821
- No, you... you are such
- Shawn, the way you fired that guy
443
00:17:46,854 --> 00:17:48,890
- a good...
- that one time was so...
444
00:17:48,923 --> 00:17:50,525
Hey, hey.
445
00:17:50,558 --> 00:17:52,560
Christian... [CLEARS THROAT]
446
00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:54,495
- We have something to say to you.
- Yeah.
447
00:17:54,529 --> 00:17:57,565
And what she says may or may not
reflect my own viewpoint.
448
00:17:57,598 --> 00:18:00,668
Wait, before you do,
I have something to say.
449
00:18:00,701 --> 00:18:02,136
Up until a few moments ago,
450
00:18:02,170 --> 00:18:04,472
I had forgotten the true meaning
of Remember Day.
451
00:18:04,505 --> 00:18:05,740
- Huh?
- Hm?
452
00:18:05,773 --> 00:18:07,275
Appreciating the people in your life
453
00:18:07,308 --> 00:18:09,343
by giving them
what they care about most.
454
00:18:09,377 --> 00:18:13,347
♪
455
00:18:13,381 --> 00:18:14,882
- [GASPS]
- [BOTH LAUGH EXCITEDLY]
456
00:18:14,916 --> 00:18:18,820
I will never forget that
Remember Day was your idea.
457
00:18:18,853 --> 00:18:20,388
- Yeah?
- Yes.
458
00:18:20,421 --> 00:18:21,589
- Yeah?
- Aw!
459
00:18:21,622 --> 00:18:24,092
[LAUGHTER]
460
00:18:24,125 --> 00:18:26,419
- This feels good, doesn't it?
- BOTH: Yeah.
461
00:18:27,261 --> 00:18:30,364
[SLOW PIANO MUSIC]
462
00:18:30,398 --> 00:18:32,066
Hey, Jake.
463
00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:33,468
Hey, Matt.
464
00:18:33,501 --> 00:18:35,570
Grace told me
you didn't get the promotion.
465
00:18:35,603 --> 00:18:37,572
I'm sorry I wasn't there
for you earlier,
466
00:18:37,605 --> 00:18:39,741
but you're my best friend,
467
00:18:39,774 --> 00:18:42,210
or best work friend,
468
00:18:42,243 --> 00:18:45,546
- and I'm here for you now.
- Honestly, man,
469
00:18:45,580 --> 00:18:47,382
I know I'm kind of a nightmare
to be around in general,
470
00:18:47,415 --> 00:18:50,084
so don't worry about it.
471
00:18:50,118 --> 00:18:52,086
- So you're gonna quit?
- [SIGHS]
472
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,856
I was thinking about it,
but I kinda realized that
473
00:18:54,889 --> 00:18:56,290
I'd rather be miserable at my job
474
00:18:56,324 --> 00:18:58,359
and be able to afford
a one-bedroom apartment
475
00:18:58,393 --> 00:19:01,195
than follow my dreams
and live in a studio apartment.
476
00:19:01,229 --> 00:19:02,930
Capitalism is a prison.
477
00:19:02,964 --> 00:19:05,166
So should we hug now?
478
00:19:05,199 --> 00:19:06,300
I would like to hug.
479
00:19:06,334 --> 00:19:09,303
[STIRRING MUSIC]
480
00:19:09,337 --> 00:19:11,906
♪
481
00:19:11,939 --> 00:19:13,775
Why do you feel wet
and smell like death?
482
00:19:13,808 --> 00:19:14,946
I don't wanna talk about it.
483
00:19:15,483 --> 00:19:17,938
I am so glad that
I will spend this night
484
00:19:17,978 --> 00:19:19,923
with the people I care about the most.
485
00:19:19,954 --> 00:19:21,351
[CHUCKLES]
486
00:19:21,376 --> 00:19:23,511
Oh, I have to go meet them in a minute,
487
00:19:23,544 --> 00:19:27,472
but first, I wanna play something.
488
00:19:27,815 --> 00:19:30,785
["TRY TO REMEMBER" PLAYS ON THE PIANO]
489
00:19:30,818 --> 00:19:33,588
♪
490
00:19:33,621 --> 00:19:39,427
♪ Try to remember
the kind of September ♪
491
00:19:39,460 --> 00:19:45,767
♪ When life was slow and oh, so mellow ♪
492
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:51,773
♪ Try to remember
the kind of September ♪
493
00:19:51,806 --> 00:19:56,590
♪ When grass was green
and grain was yellow ♪
494
00:19:56,615 --> 00:19:59,981
- I'm never gonna forget this.
- ♪ Try to remember... ♪
495
00:20:00,014 --> 00:20:01,683
Well, Harold,
496
00:20:01,716 --> 00:20:06,521
today I beat up a drug addict
who tried to steal our dinner.
497
00:20:06,554 --> 00:20:09,957
♪♪
498
00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:15,463
♪ Try to remember and if you remember ♪
499
00:20:15,496 --> 00:20:17,632
♪ Then follow ♪
500
00:20:17,665 --> 00:20:20,702
BOTH: ♪ Follow, follow, follow,
follow, follow, follow ♪
501
00:20:20,735 --> 00:20:22,370
BOTH: ♪ Follow, follow ♪
502
00:20:22,403 --> 00:20:25,506
♪
503
00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:28,910
[TOGETHER] And that's
what Remember Day's all about.
504
00:20:28,943 --> 00:20:33,481
♪
505
00:20:33,514 --> 00:20:34,816
Broke into Kate and John's offices,
506
00:20:34,849 --> 00:20:36,451
stole my gift cards back.
507
00:20:36,484 --> 00:20:39,187
Oh, well, I mean, this is
an utterly meaningless gesture,
508
00:20:39,220 --> 00:20:41,022
but I appreciate that it comes from you.
509
00:20:41,055 --> 00:20:42,457
Hypothetical question,
510
00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:43,858
you get invited to Osama Bin Laden's
511
00:20:43,891 --> 00:20:45,693
birthday party, what do you get the guy?
512
00:20:45,727 --> 00:20:47,362
- Gift card.
- Absolutely.
513
00:20:47,395 --> 00:20:50,431
Okay, hypothetical question,
Osama Bin Laden is alive,
514
00:20:50,465 --> 00:20:52,033
and he wants to have sex with you.
515
00:20:52,066 --> 00:20:54,273
- What do you do?
- I don't know, he's gotta woo me first.
516
00:20:54,298 --> 00:20:55,390
I'm not just gonna open up for him
517
00:20:55,415 --> 00:20:56,570
just 'cause it's Osama, but...
518
00:20:56,595 --> 00:20:57,606
You wanna be taken out to dinner.
519
00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:59,919
Yeah, I wanna be taken out to dinner...
520
00:21:01,271 --> 00:21:03,173
- [SWAN SQUAWKING]
- [GRUNTING]
521
00:21:04,466 --> 00:21:06,468
Mommy, why is that man doing that?
522
00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:09,938
Because 16 years ago,
terrorists attacked our nation.
523
00:21:09,971 --> 00:21:13,008
- [SWAN SQUAWKING]
- [GRUNTING]
524
00:21:14,175 --> 00:21:16,111
Mm, mm, mm.38304
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