All language subtitles for Lock.Stock.and.Two.Smoking.Barrels.1998.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC

Right, let's
sort the buyers
from the spyers,

the needy
from the greedy,

and those who trust me
from the ones who don't.

Because if you can't
see value here today,

you're not up here shopping,
you're up here shoplifting.

You see these goods?

Never seen daylight,
moonlight, lsraelite

or Fanny
by the gaslight.

Take a bag.
Come on, take a bag.

l took a bag
home last night,

and it cost me a
lot more than £10,
l can tell you.

Anyone Iike jeweIry?

Look at that one there.
Handmade in ltaly,
hand stolen in Stepney.

lt's as long as my arm.
l wish it was as long
as something else.

Don't think 'cause these boxes
are seaIed up they're empty.

The only man who
sells empty boxes
is the undertaker.

And by the look
of some of you
lot here today,

l'd make more money
with me measuring tape.
Here, one price.

£10.
Did you
say £10?

BACON: Are you deaf?

That's a bargain.
l'll take one.

Squeeze in if you can.
Left leg, right leg,
your body will follow.

They call it walking.
You want one
as well, darling?

You do. That's it,
they're waking up.

Treat the wife,
treat somebody
else's wife.

lt's a lot more fun
if you don't get caught.

Hold on, you
want one as well?

Okay, darling, show
me a bit of life then.

lt's no good
standing out there
like 1:00 half struck.

Buy them, you better buy them!

These are not stolen,
they just haven't
been paid for.

And we can't get them
again, they've changed
the bloody locks.

Here, one for you.
lt's no good
coming back later

when l've sold out.

"Too late,
too late!"
will be the cry

when the man with
the bargains has
passed you by.

And if you've got
no money on you now,

you'll be crying
tears as big as
October cabbages.

Bacon, cozzers.

BACON: Shit.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

ALAN: Ed can hustIe
a few quid here and there,

but his reaI taIent
Iies in cards
and gambIing with cards.

Bacon couId see
that his days of seIIing

moody goods
on street corners
are numbered.

It's time to move on
and he knows it.

TOM: And l'm 6'1 ",
that's perfect for
my height, all right?

NlCK: All right, you take
a photo. You're catching
up with me, you are.

Look, what are you
talking about? l'm
bloody skinny, pal.

Yeah, yeah, of
course you are.
All right?

Nick the Greek,
always a pleasure.

Tom, what have
you been eating?

l've been
telling him this. . .
Enough already.

You two, join
me in my office.

So, how much
is it then, Tom?

You know how
much it is, Nick.

And that includes
the amp, yeah?

No, that does
not include the amp.

Shit, Tom, I thought
it included the amp.

Well, it
doesn't.

l'll throw in one
of these telephones
if you like,

but it does not
include the amp.

Very nice.

l hope it includes
the speakers.

lt doesn't include
the speakers,

it doesn't
include the amp,

and it's not
supposed to
include me

getting the hump
with your
stupid questions.

Now you want it,
Nick, you buy it.

What else
do I get
with it?

You get a
gold-plated
Rolls-Royce,

as long as
you pay for it.

Don't know, Tom.
Seems expensive.

Seems? Well, this
seems to be a
waste of my time.

That is 900 nicker in
any shop you're lucky
enough to find one in,

and you're
complaining
about 200?

What school of
finance did
you study?

lt's a deal, it's a steal.
lt's the sale of the
fucking century.

ln fact, fuck it,
Nick, I think
l'll keep it.

All right, all right,
keep your Alans on.

Here's a ton.

Jesus Christ.
You could choke a
dozen donkeys on that.

And you're
haggling over £100?

What do you do
when you're not buying
stereos, Nick?

Finance revolutions?

£100 is
still £100.

Not when
the price is
£200, it's not.

And certainly not when
you got Liberia's deficit
in your sky rocket.

Tighter than a duck's
butt you are.
Now come on,

let me feel
the fiber of
your fabric.

ALAN: The skinny one is Tom,

and he's the entrepreneur
of the bunch.

He's got a coupIe of dirty
IittIe fingers in a coupIe
of dirty IittIe pies.

Nick, here, however,
has made it his business

to have aII 20 fat
IittIe fingers and toes

in every dirty bent
and stoIen pie in London.

Between the two of them,
there ain't much
you can't get ahoId of.

(SNlFFS)

That's my 25
grand, it's all there.

lt took me a long time
to earn that, so you
treat it with respect.

What about the chef?

TOM: What have
you come as?

Cupid, stupid.

That's the last time
l'm getting any more
fruit off of you, Tom.

Do you call
that fresh?

There was more
small, hairy
armored things

in your fruit
than there
was fruit.

You should
open a butcher's,
not a grocer's.

Well, if you
will order stuff
from Katmandu,

don't be surprised
if it picks up a
few tourists en route.

Anyway, enough
about that.

Where's the money?

Oi !

Keep your fingers
out of my soup.

ALAN: Soap is caIIed Soap
because he Iikes to keep
his hands cIean

of any unIawfuI behavior.

He's proud of his job
and even more
proud that it's IegaI.

He represents the more
sensibIe side of the four.

You sure you
can afford 25?

That depends on
how you look at it.

l can afford it as long as
l see it again, if that's
what you mean.

Got the rest
from the fat man
and Bacon?

Fat man, Bacon
and myself.

Looks like it's
time to make
that call to Harry.

Who's this
fat man
then, eh?

Eh?

Do you want
a sandwich, Bacon?

(TELEPHONE RlNGlNG)

ALAN: It's not easy
to take a seat at
this card tabIe.

The amount of money invoIved
has to be 100 grand upwards,

and there's no
shortage of punters.

The man who decides whether
you can pIay or not
is this man, Harry.

Or as some, incIuding himseIf,
like to call him,
Hatchet Harry.

You got it all?

100 grand.

Well, if you got it,
you got it.

Now, if you
don't mind. . .

What's this
Eddie like, then?

He's a fucking thief.

ALAN: Harry has a coIIeague,
a monster of a man,
Barry the Baptist.

The Baptist got his
name by drowning
peopIe for Hatchet.

Are you gonna
fucking pay?
Yeah, I'll pay!

How are you gonna
fucking pay?
l'm gonna pay it.

ALAN: Barry makes sure the
administrative side of the
business runs harmoniousIy.

The boy's got
a rare ability.

He seems to make
cards transparent.

He's got. . .

All right, all right,
so we can say
he's good.

Oh, no, he's
better than good.

He's a fucking
liability.

Here, hold on.
What do you think
of these?

We're selling
hundreds.

Very nice, Harry.

What's it for?

Oh, don't play
innocent with me,
Bazza. Spanking.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

There's 25 from me,
Tom, Soap and yourself.

That's 100 grand
to the pound.

So why the fuck
are you counting it?

Because I like to.

So, a reasonable return
should be in the
region of 120 grand.

That's for 25 grand
invested, going on
previous experience.

Going on
optimism.

Whatever it's going on,
it should be enough to send
you on a cooking course.

You're not funny, Tom.
You're fat.

And look as though
you should be,
but you're not.

Fat? Who are you
calling. . . Jesus!

lt's good in
here, isn't it?

Handy for the tube,
great electrics.

l can see
why you
moved in.

Don't knock it,
it's cheap
like the budgie.

And nobody wants
to live next to the
people we live next to.

(CHUCKLlNG)
A bit anti-social
to say the least.

What do
you mean?

He means
they're thieving
bastards.

l mean, when they're
not picking peanuts
out of poop,

they rip off unfortunate
souls of their
hard-earned drugs.

Not exactly thick,
these walls.

MAN: Nice work, John.
Get yourself a drink.

ls that it?

How many times
do I have to
tell you, Plank?

You find us a job
worth doing, you'll find
your share improving.

Now, have you
got a problem
with that?

(REGGAE MUSlC PLAYlNG)

You know, Charles,
this gear is
getting heavier.

(COUGHS)

l have a strong suspicion
we should've been
rocket scientists

or Nobel Peace Prize
winners

or something.

Peace Prize?

Be lucky to find your
penis for a piss the
amount you keep smoking.

(DOORBELL BUZZlNG)

Who the hell's that?

All right,
Willie?

Does it look
like l'm all right?

Take this.

l'm in danger of
breaking sweat
at any second.

WlNSTON: Charles, why
have we got that cage?

Security?

That's right.

That's right,
security.

So what's the point in
having it if we're not
gonna fucking use it?

Well, I would have
used it, Winston,
but this is Willie.

And Willie
lives here.

Yes, Charles,
but you didn't
know it was Willie

until you opened
the door, did you?

Chill, Winston.

lt's me.
Charlie knows
it's me.

What's the
problem?

The problem is,
Willie,

that Charles and
yourself are not the
quickest of cats

at the best of times.
So just do as I say

and keep the
fucking cage locked !

What is that?

That's Gloria.
Yes, I know
that's Gloria.

What's that?

Fertilizer.

You went out six
hours ago to buy
a money counter,

and you come back with
a semi-conscious Gloria
and a bag of fertilizer?

Alarm bells
are ringing, Willie.

We need fertilizer,
Winston.

We also need
a money counter.

This money's
gotta be out
by Thursday.

l'm buggered if
l'm gonna count it.

And if you do
have to buy
sodding fertilizer,

could you just
be a little more
subtle?

What do
you mean?

We grow copious
amounts of ganja,
yeah?

Yeah.

And you're carrying
a wasted girl and
a bag of fertilizer.

You don't look like
your average
horti-fucking-culturalist.

That's what
l mean, Willie.

(JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG)

How long's
he been in
there, Son?

About 20
minutes.

He's on
his own?

Yeah, just
carrying a bag.

All right, let's pay
him a little visit
then, shall we?

ALAN: Big Chris settIes
debts for Harry.

The onIy thing he cares
more about than
an unsettled debt,

is his son and heir,
LittIe Chris.

(JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Shh !

This is one of them
high-powered
jobs, isn't it?

(GROANlNG)

Got some bad
news for you, John.

What the fuck. . .

You mind your language
in front of the boy.

Jesus Christ.

That includes
blasphemy as well.

Now tell me, John,
how can you
be concentrating

and it is a lovely
tan by the way,

when you've got
more pressing
priorities at hand?

Tell Harry. . .

l mean Mr. Harry,

l've been busy.
l'm nearly there.

Check his
locker, Son.

JOHN: I don't suppose
there's any chance

of you lifting this
sun bed up, Chris,
is there?

He's not poor.

He's got over
a monkey here,

and that's just
in his wallet.

Fucking hell, John,

you always walk around
with that in your pocket?

Oi !

You use language like
that again, Son, you'll
wish you hadn't.

Sorry, Dad.

Right, well, put the
rest of the stuff
in that.

You can go home
in a plastic bag
tonight, John.

You owe
what you owe,

and by the time
this tan's faded,

you wanna
have paid.

You never would
have paid.

Who would
pay for shit?

Yeah, exactly.
l mean we ain't
too certain. . .

Well, what the
hell are you
doing here?

Why, what's up?

Let me guess.
My foot in
your arse.

Game of cards?
Hatchet Harry?

You're supposed
to be getting your
rest in, boy.

You playing
cards tonight, Son?

With Harry?

Don't be
silly, Dad.

l wouldn't have
anything to do
with that.

HARRY: Where did he
get 100 grand?

He's got some
adhesive mates.

l mean they're
like brothers.

They've tossed up
between them.

And JD is his
dad and owns the
whole property?

No mortgage,
no debts.

Lock, stock,
the fucking lot.

Don't you worry, Harry.
l've got it under control.

Good. You can get this
under control now.

lt seems that
Lord Appleton Smythe
has run out of money.

And these little
beauties are up
for auction.

But l'm not paying
a quarter of a
million quid for them,

if you know
what I mean, Barry.

Make sure we get
everything from inside
the gun cabinet.

l don't wanna know
who you use,

as long as they're
not complete muppets.

And don't tell
them what they're
worth, Barry.

(JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Right, where
was we?

Shotguns? What,
like guns that
fire shot?

You must be
the brains, then.

That's right, guns
that fire shots.

Make sure you bring
everything from inside
the gun cabinet.

There'll be a load
of old guns.
That's all I want.

Everything else
outside the cabinet,

you can keep.
lt's yours.

Thank you very much.

There'd better
be something
there for us.

lt's a fucking
stately home.

Of course there'll
be something there.

DEAN: Like what?

Like fucking antiques.

Antiques?
What the fuck do we
know about antiques?

We rob
post offices.
And steal cars.

What the fuck do we know
about antiques, mate?

lf it looks old,
it's worth money.
Simple.

So stop fucking moaning
and rob the place.

So who's the guv?
Who are we
doing this for?

You're doing it for me,
is all you need to know.

You know because
you need to know.

l see.

One of those
on-a-need-to-know-basis
things, is it?

Like one of those
James Bond films.

Careful, remember
who's giving you
this job.

Right, l'm off.

Call me when
you're done.
Ta-ta.

Fucking Northern monkeys!

l hate these fucking
Southern fairies.

ALAN: Ed has been
pIaying cards since
he couId Iift them up,

and he soon discovered
that he had
a big advantage.

It's not that he's good
with cards or even
good at counting them.

It's that he's good with
reading peopIe's reactions,
no matter how subtIe.

And everybody has reactions,

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
especiaIIy when
it comes to money.

lnvitations.

lnvitations?

Yeah,
invitations.

You know, four pretty
white pieces of paper
with your names on them?

Well, we've
got 100,000
bits of paper

with the Queen's
head on them.

Will that do?

All right,
just you.

The others, they can
wait next door
in Samoan Jo's.

Samoan Jo's?
You mean the pub?

Hold on. . .
Hold on to your
fucking tongue,

and I will hold
onto my patience,
okay, sonny?

No one in here tonight
but card players,
and I do mean no one.

Evening, Frazer.
Don, Phil.

lt's a bit dramatic,
isn't it?

ls this supposed
to be symbolic?

Apparently, it's
for security.

Yeah? l'd have
brought me gloves
if l'd have known.

You must be Eddie,
JD's son.

You must be Harry.

Sorry, didn't know
your father.

Never mind, son.

You just might meet
him if you carry
on like that.

Evening, Tanya,
been a while.

All right, Ed?

(SCREAMlNG)

Right, we call
each other Kenny,
okay, Gary?

All right,
Kenny.

You gonna put
your stocking on,
or what?

l've just spent
220 quid on
me hair.

lf you think l'm
pulling a stocking
over it,

you're very
much mistaken.

You're gonna
have to put
something on.

This is three
card brag,
gentlemen.

That means three
three's are
the highest,

then three aces,
then running down
accordingly.

Then it's a running
flush, a run, a flush
and then a pair.

An open man can't
see a blind man,

and it will cost you
twice the ante to
see your opponent.

Now don't fuck around,
fellas. You all know
the rules,

and you know
l won't stand for it.

(CLOCK CHlMlNG)

(SOFTLY) What are you doing?
Put that back.

We're here
to rob the guns.

Put it back.
lt's crap anyway.

Come on.
Come in.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

What sort of
pub is this, then?

lt's a Samoan pub.

What's that?

lt's a cocktail.
You asked for
a cocktail.

No, I asked you
to give me a
refreshing drink.

l wasn't expecting
a fucking rain forest.

You could fall
in love with an
orangutan in that.

You want a pint,
go to the pub.

l thought this
was a pub.

lt's a Samoan pub.

Well, whatever it is,
can you get your man
to turn the TV down?

You can ask him if you like.
lf I was you, l'd leave
him well alone.

Here, get rid
of that. Bring
us a Diet Coke.

Excuse me, can you
turn that TV down?

No.

(ALL WHOOPlNG)

(GROANlNG)

DEAN:
Whoa, whoa, Kenny!

What are you doing?

l am trying to find
out where they keep
their money!

You twat, can't you
see these people
have got no money?

They can't even
afford new furniture.

We've got the guns.
What's the matter
with you?

Every time we do a job,
you have to go
burning people's feet.

What's wrong with you?

You wanna be
more careful,
old fella.

You very nearly took
my man's head
clean off with that.

You all right,
Kenny?

Kenny?

10 grand, blind.

20 grand, open.

Deep end, eh?

Fold.

BARRY: Gotcha.

20 grand, open.

l'll fold.

Don't go spending
that all at once, boy.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)
Oh, bloody hell.

What?

l thought you said
there'd be no staff,
Barry.

Did you get
those guns?

You wanna see
what they did to
poor Gary?

Gary. Gary.

l said, did you
get those guns?

Yes! We got them !

Good. I'll speak
to you later.

Gary, if you can hear
me, get back in the car
now, mate, okay?

Barry. Barry.

Fucking Southern
shandy-drinking
bastard ! Gary!

(ROCK AND ROLL MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Give me my money!

Give me back my money,
you fucking snake!

You give me
my money!

Give me back
my money!
Give it back!

Wankers!

Come on, you.
Not now, please.
Not now.

Oh, you fucking
bastard.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

You bastard.

Oh, my good God.

We'll take you
to the cleaners.

20 grand, open.

£30,000.

Back to you
already, Eddie.

50 grand.

80 grand.

100 grand.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Look, fellas, I know. . .

l know you're not in.

Which means
no one cares
what you know.

250.

That's quite a raise.

That's 150 on my 100.

Yeah, and is there
anything else
you wanna say?

As you know,
this puts us in an
awkward position.

l don't have enough
to continue.

We will have to see
both your cards

if no one loans Eddie
the money to continue.

lt's a loan or we
see both your cards.

l will.

You will what?

l will loan you
the money.

No, I think l'd rather
just turn them over.

l'm not interested
in what you
would rather.

l wanna keep going.

l'm also offering
you the money.

So we don't have to
turn them over, because
you can borrow.

l need 250 grand.

No, you need
500 grand to
see me.

That's if l
want to see you.

Well, you're gonna
have a problem
carrying on, ain't you?

l'll see you.

Okay, before
l loan you this

l expect,
if you lose,
of course,

my money back
within a week.
Crystal?

That's Sunday,
okay?

ls that it?

Now let's see
his fucking cards.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(RETCHlNG)

Hello, boy.
Feeling a bit
poorly?

l know your friends
are responsible

for most
of the cash.

So, l'm gonna
give you one
week to find it.

Otherwise, I will
take a finger

off each of you
and your friends'
hands

for every day
that passes
without payment.

And then when
you run out
of digits,

your dad's bar,
and who knows
what then.

All right, my son?

This doesn't
look good.

ALAN: He then
proceeded to expIain

the unfortunate position
they were in.

Harry was going to start
sizing up aII their
fingers in a week,

because he knew there was
no way Ed couId settIe
that debt on his own.

Harry saw it as their money
on the table, so it was also
their debt off the tabIe.

Ed would hate admit it,

but he couId have kissed
the oId bastard for that.

If he said he wanted to
settle the debt on his own,
it wouId have been a Iie.

Now, I wish to Christ he
would have let me settle
the debt on my own.

l'm gonna
kill him !

Stop fucking
about, Tom,

and think about what
we're gonna do.
Now sit down.

What's all the
fuss about Harry?

Why don't we just
boycott the payment?

Let me tell you
about Hatchet Harry.

BACON: Once there was
this geezer caIIed
Smithy Robinson

who worked for Harry,

but it was rumored
that he was on the take.

Harry's invited
Smithy round for
an explanation.

Smithy didn't do
a very good job.
Within a minute,

Harry's lost his rag,
reached out for the
nearest thing at hand,

which happened to
be a 15-inch
black rubber cock.

He then proceeded to
batter poor Smithy
to death with it.

Now that was seen
as a pleasant way to go.

Hence, Hatchet Harry
is a man you pay
if you owe.

Don't worry,
l'll think of
something.

(UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYlNG)

"Golf. The best
way to spoil a
good walk."

Winston Churchill
said that.

l say it's a
dog-eat-dog world,

and l've got bigger
teeth than you two.

(GORDON GRUNTlNG)

l think our friend
is trying to tell
us something.

Perhaps not. Perhaps l
should take another swing
just to make sure.

Give me a
five iron,
John.

Certainly,
Dog.

Now, keep still.

Yes, Gordon, is there
something you'd
like to tell us?

lt's in
the fireplace.

Shut it,
you idiot!

Yes, Gordon,
you were saying?

lt's in the fireplace.
Just pull it out.
lt's in the bottom.

lt's in the fireplace,
Plank. Just pull it out.
lt's in the bottom.

Oh, Dog, I think
you want to have
a look at this.

You gonna
let me down
now?

DOG: No.

l'm not finished
with you yet.

Steel.

Help, help,
help!

Oh, Dog.

WOMAN ON TV: It's aII up
to you, audience.

You have to decide,
yes, you have to decide

(DOORBELL BUZZlNG)
who the winner is going to be.

Who the hell's that?
lt's only 12:00.

Use the cage,
that's what it's
there for.

Who is it?

We have got
security for a
reason, Willie.

Chill, Winston.
lt's only Plank.

This weed's getting
quite a rep,
you know, fellas.

All right?
Easy. Jesus!

Never saw you there.

Hello, love.
Enjoying yourself?

ls she compos?

What do you think?

Boo!

PLANK: Fuck me.

Clean that up,
Charles.

Sod you. You
clean it up.

Sorry, fellas, but that
stupid cow scared the
fucking life out of me!

Never mind.
Can you just
sit down?

Stay out
of the way?

Look, how much
is it you want?

l'm after a
half weight.

Right, well,
that's £1,500
then.

Pass the scales,
Willie.

Give us
some gear, J.

Any chance of
actually seeing
the money?

The odds
are 100-to-one.

All as we
need is 5 grand.

l'd rather put my money
on a three-legged
rocking horse.

The odds are 100-to-one
for a good reason,
Bacon.

You won't win.

Where's Eddie?

Where do
you think?

The bottom of a
bottle. And has
been for two days.

lt's hit
him hard.

Yeah, it's
hit us
all hard.

Yeah, but he's got
to tell his dad he's
about to lose his bar.

Listen to this one.
You open up a company

called Arse Ticklers
Faggots Fan Club.
You what?

You take out an advert
in the back page
of some gay mag,

advertising
the latest in
arse-intruding dildos.

You sell it with,
l don't know,

"Does what no other
dildo can do until now.

"The latest and
greatest in
sexual technology.

"Guaranteed results
or your money back."
All that bollocks.

Now these dills
cost 25 quid a pop.

That's a snip for the
amount of pleasure they're
gonna give the recipients.

But they send their
checks to the
other company name,

nothing offensive,
Bobbie's Bits, or
something, for 25 quid.

You take that 25 quid,
you stick it in the
bank until it clears.

Now this is
the smart bit.

You send back
the check for £25 from
the other company name,

Arse Ticklers
Faggots Fan Club,
saying,

"We're sorry, and we
couldn't get the
supplies from America,

"because they've
run out of stock."

Now you see how
many people
cash that check.

Not a single soul.

Because who wants
their bank manager
to know

they tickle arse
when they're not
paying in checks?

So how long do you
have to wait till
you see the return?

Probably no more
than four weeks.

A month?

So what fucking good
is that if we
need it in six. . .

No, five days.

Well, it's still
a good idea.

He may know
we smoke a lot and
burn a bit of profit,

but he can't have any
idea how much hard
currency we've accumulated.

l don't know.
Do you know?

We can just slice
it off the top.

WlNSTON: You guys
gotta realize who
this chap is.

He might look
a bit silly, but he's
a fucking lunatic.

And if he gets the
slightest inkling we're
not throwing straight dice,

then you and me are gonna
know what the sharp side
of a kebab knife feels like.

So you know
these geezers well?

PLANK: Well enough.

l've been buying gear
off one of them for
a couple of years.

So, what are
they like then?

Poofs. Nothing heavy.
Four public schoolboys.
Soft as shite.

PLANK: They ponce around
in funny hippy clothes
all day, talking bollocks.

They're just good
at growing weed,
that's all.

Business has got bigger
than what they
can keep up with.

DOG: Well, they
can't all be stupid,
can they?

Think about it.
They've got a container
load of cash in shoeboxes.

They're selling
class-A gear.

Don't you think there
might be someone
sensible involved?

What about security?

PLANK: There's one steel
gate as you go in, but
they never lock it.

What do you mean,
never lock it?

What have they
got it there for then?

l must have been
there 50 times.
lt's never locked.

They're not suspicious.

Everyone who
goes there's a toff.

They're all into
that karma crap.

"lf I don't harm nobody,
nobody harms me" stuff.

No way they
can get back
to you?

Even if they could,
they'd be too shit scared.
l'm a geezer.

They got no muscle.
Gutless faggots.

Fancy one?

What's all
the flapping
about?

You told the
old man yet?

Hoping l
won't need to.

l've got a plan.
Now listen carefully.

Hello, boys.

Harry.

Do you want
a drink?

Hello, my son,
do you want a lolly?

Piss off,
you nonce.

Oi ! Watch it.

No thanks, Harry.
We're both all right.

Nice shooter.

Yeah, one
of a pair.

Holland & Holland.
Do you want
to hold it?

No, not my thing.
Thanks, Harry.

Business good?
l imagine that's
why l'm here.

Four young fellas
got in deeper than
they could handle.

They owe me half
a million pound.

LlTTLE CHRlS:
How much?

Half a million.

l'm game.

Me, too.

Oh, God.

Right.

We hit them
as soon as they
come back.

We'll be
prepared,
waiting.

And they're armed.

What was that?
Armed?

What do you mean, armed?

Armed with what?

Bad breath,
colorful language,
feather duster. . .

What do you think
they're gonna be
armed with?

Guns, you tit.

Guns? You never
said anything about guns.

A minute ago this
was the safest job
in the world.

Now it's turning
into a bad day
in Bosnia.

Soap, stop
being such
a mincer.

l've thought
about that and. . .

And what exactly?

And all we have to
do is find out
who's carrying them.

Carrying them? Well,
they could all be carrying
them for what we know.

No. Only one of
them carries them
going to the job.

So I assume the
same one will be
carrying them

when they come back
from the job.

Oh, you assume,
do you?

And what do they say
about assumption being the
brother of all fuck-ups?

lt's the mother
of all fuck-ups, stupid.

Well, brother, mother,
any other sucker,

it don't make
any difference.

They're still fucking
guns, and they still
fire fucking bullets.

Soap, if you
have a better idea

how to get £500,000
in the next few days,
let us know.

ln the meantime, Tom,
you talk to Nick the Bubble
about shifting the weed.

Weed?
No, it's not
normal weed.

lt's some
fucked-up-skunk,
class-A,

l-can't-think-let-alone-move
shit.

Doesn't sound
very good me.

No, neither me.
But it depends
what flicks your switch.

And the light is on
and burning brightly
for the masses.

Anyway, do you
know anyone?

l know a man, yes.

Rory Breaker.

Not that madman
with an Afro?

l don't want anything
to do with him.

You won't have to.
Just get me a sample.

No can do.

What's that?
A place near Katmandu?

Meet me
halfway, mate.

Look, it's all
completely
chicken soup.

lt's what?
lt's kosher
as Christmas.

Jews don't celebrate
Christmas, Tom.

Yeah, well, never
mind that. l'm gonna
need some artillery, too.

Couple of
sawn-off shotguns.

This is a bit heavy.
This is London,
not the Lebanon.

Who do you
think I am?

l think you're
Nick the Greek.

Hold those two.

l don't normally have
anything to do
with weed, Nick.

But if it is
what he says it is,

l'll take it off him
for 3.5 grand a key.

That is if it is
what he says it is.

l don't want to
see it after
a sample,

l don't want to
touch it after
a sample.

l'll leave you in
the capable hands
of Nathan here.

He'll sort out
the details.

But just let me
tell you one thing.

lf the milk
turns out to
be sour,

l ain't the kind
of pussy to drink it.

Do you know
what I mean?

(GLASS SHATTERlNG)

Rory Breaker.

Rory? Yeah,
l know Rory.

He's not to
be underestimated.

He's a funny
looking fucker,
l know.

But you've got to look
past the hair and the
cute cuddly thing.

lt's all a
deceptive facade.

A few nights ago,
Rory's Roger iron rusted.

He's gone down the
BattIe Cruiser to watch
the end of a footbaII game.

No one's watching
the custard, so he
switches the channel over.

A fat geezer's
north opens.

And he wanders up
and turns the Iiza over.

"Now fuck off
and watch it
somewhere else."

Rory knows claret is
imminent, but doesn't wanna
miss the end of the game.

So calm as a coma,
picks up a
fire extinguisher,

walks straight past
the jam rolls who are
ready for action

and plonks it
outside the entrance.

He then orders an Aristotle
of the most ping-pong
tiddly in the nuclear sub

and switches
back to his footer.

"That's fucking it,"
says the geezer.

"That's fucking what?"
says Rory.

And he gobs out a
mouthful of booze
covering Fatty.

He flicks a flaming
match into his bird's nest,

and the geezer's lit up
like a leaking gas pipe.

Rory, unfazed, turns
back to his game.
His team's won, too.

Four-nil.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Oi !

ls your hair
supposed to look
like that?

All right,
short stuff?

Never mind
"short stuff."

Listen, the
next time we do
a job like this,

we're gonna want
more money, Barry.

Or we're going back
to post offices and
cars. Fuck that.

Where's the
others?

There was
no others.

Stop fucking
around. The others,
the old ones.

l don't know
what you mean.

There were
two old guns
there.

Where are
they now?

Not in the cabinet,
there wasn't.

There was a couple of
old hammer-lock muskets
the butler was carrying.

But they were ours,
we sold them.

Well, you
better unsell
them, sharpish.

We had to sell them.
We needed the money!

l'm not
fucking interested !

lf you don't want to be
counting the fingers
you haven't got

l suggest you
get those guns,
quick!

Jesus.

lf I pick them up,
will they stay
in one piece?

Where'd you
get them?

l got contacts.

Listen, Tom,
you point them
at me,

l'll shit myself
or do whatever
you say to do.

Either way you
get the desired
effect.

Oh, they look
very nice, I agree,

but they're lacking
in criminal credibility,
ain't they?

l might get laughed at.

How much do
you want for
these muskets?

£700 each.

What's that?
A pound for every year
they've been about?

l know they're antiques,
but I ain't paying
antique prices.

They're a bit long,
ain't they?

Sawn-offs are out.
People want a bit more
range these days.

Range?

l don't want to blow
the arse out of this
country, granted.

But I don't want anyone
blowing a raspberry
at me, either.

l want to look
fucking mean.

Of course
you'll look mean.

You'll look
really scary.

Anyway, enough
about that.

What about this geezer
who sells drugs?

Rory Breaker's
standing by.

You stand to make
a lot of money,
tubby Tommy.

BlG CHRlS: I understand
if this has come as
a bit of a shock,

but let me tell you how
this can be resolved by
you, the good father.

Go on.

He likes your bar.

Yes?

He wants your bar.

And?

Do you want me
to draw you
a picture?

Look, that boy doesn't
know his arsehole
from his ear hole.

This is my bar.
lt's got nothing to
do with him.

What, and I care?

Remember, you do have
the luxurious advantage

of being able to
sustain your son's life.

And you do have a
reputation, so I'll choose
my words very carefully.

You tell Harry
to go fuck himself.

Now,

l'll put that
down to shock.
Only once.

Only once can l
or shall I let you get
away with that.

Your son's got three
days to find half a mil.

But make up your mind
which you prefer,

your bar or your son.

DOG: PIank goes in first.

There's a cage,
but it's never Iocked.

DOG: ls it, Plank?
Never.

DOG: It don't wanna be.

AII right, once he's got
himseIf set, he gets
the rest of us in.

(FEEDBACK SCREECHlNG)
Now we get nasty
with a coupIe of them.

Shit them up,
gag them, whatever.

Now these wankers
shouldn't give us
any problems.

But like any cowboys,
there'll be a few
tools lying around.

When the job's done,
we come straight back
here and unload.

And Robert's
your father's brother.

Everyone savvy?

ALL: Sweet.

Have a look at these.

And what are we
supposed do
with these?

Put them on
your head, stupid.

Christ.

lf you think l'm gonna
turn up there clean-shaven
and greet them

with a grin on
my face, you got
another thing coming.

Now these fellas,
they're your neighbors.

l thought it might be
a good idea to disguise
ourselves a little.

Right. Yeah, good
thinking, Soap.
Well done.

l brought
weapons as well.

Weapons? What do
you mean, weapons?

(CLEARS THROAT)

These.

(EXCLAlMlNG) Jesus.

Let's keep them
covered up, eh?

Couldn't you have
got anything a
bit bigger?

What, like that?

What do you think?

l think you
need help.

Bar steward, can
we have a couple
of drinks, please?

Have you seen
your dad? Hatchet sent
one of his men around.

Oh, shit. When?

Crazy. . .

Where did you
get these?
A fucking museum?

Nick the Greek.

How much
did you
part with?

£700 for
the pair.

Drachmas, I hope.

l'd feel safer
with a chicken
drumstick.

These are gonna
do more harm
than good.

Jesus, Tom,
do these work?

Don't know.
Look nice though,
don't they?

l rather like them.

That's top of
the list of
priorities, that is.

EDDlE: Ladies,

back to more
important issues,
if you don't mind.

We have
only got two
real guns.

Apparently,
that's what
they are.

So we find a
good place to
hide next door,

we wait till
it sounds like
the right time,

then we
jack-in-the-box,

look nasty and stuff,
cocoon them
in gaffer tape,

nick their van, swap the
gear into the new van and
bring it all back here.

As long as we're
all out of our hiding
places quickly,

it's the last
thing they're
gonna expect.

Oh, and if Tom
or anyone else
for that matter

feels like giving
them a bit
of a kicking,

l'm sure it won't
do any harm.

Yeah, little bit
of pain never
hurt anybody,

if you know
what I mean.

Also, I think knives
are a good idea.

Big, fuck-off,
shiny ones.

Ones that look
like they could
skin a crocodile.

Knives are good
because they don't
make any noise.

And the less
noise they make,

the more
likely we are to
use them.

Shit them right up.

Makes it look
like we're serious.

Guns for show,
knives for a pro.

Soap, is there
something we should
know about you?

l'm not sure
what's more
worrying,

the job
or your past.

Come on, girls.

Where the fuck
are they going?
Shift a piano?

l thought this
was meant to be
a robbery.

Where did
they get those
outfits?

BOTH: Not a
bad idea, that.

All right,
it's Plank. ls
Willie there?

No. l'm afraid he's not.
He's out at the moment.

PLANK: Perhaps
you can heIp.

Well, perhaps
l can't, Plank, if you
know what I mean.

Look. lf you
could just
open the door,

so I could talk
without shouting.

J: I can't heIp
you, PIank.

l think you'll
find it is in
your interest.

Hold on, okay?

Look, Willie,
it's Plank outside
for you.

He says it's
in our interest.

Listen, I don't
care if it's
King-fucking-Kong !

He's not
coming in here,
not today.

Hold on. We are
in business, and
correct me if l'm wrong,

but that
is business.

Corrected. That's a
walking accident that
we can do without.

Jesus, he's okay.
He knows only to
buy weights now.

We're looking at
at least a couple
of thou.

What do you
think, Winston?

Willie, this is
the last time,
all right?

But you and the money
are going out the back.

lf he knows
you're here,
he'll be all day.

Now just
clear this
shit up.

What, now?
Yes. Now!

Just get rid
of him quick.

All right,
just coming.

What the fuck
is he doing?

Come on, l
can't wait out
here all day.

J: All right,
just coming.

l thought you was
gonna leave me
out there all day.

l didn't know you
were a removals
man, Plank.

Lives and learns,
don't you?

You keep
the gates locked
now, do you?

Sorry, gotta
do business
like this now.

Can't be
too careful
these days.

l know. Shut it!

You say
a fucking word, the
right ear goes.

Another one,
then your left.

What are you
doing, Plank?

What do you
think l'm
doing?

Hang on, what
are you doing?

Unlock the gate.
All right, I said unlock
the fucking gate!

That's it!
Go, go, go!
Fucking move!

What the fuck's
going on?

Just hang on,
l've got the keys.

The gate's locked !
l don't believe the
fucking gate's locked !

What have you
done to Fauntleroy?

l didn't touch him.
He just passed out.

Don't just stand
there. Get that
fucking door shut.

You want the
world to see us?

(MEN ARGUlNG)

What's going
on down there?

Shit.

Charles, get
the rifle out.

We're being fucked.

lt must be
this one.

Hold that gun.

Plank, give me
the keys. Give
me the keys, Plank.

Don't point it at me,
bollocks, point
it in there.

DOG: Planks of wood.
l'm working with
fucking planks of wood.

Shit.

What the fuck is that?
What the fuck's that?

lt's me Bren gun.

Don't you think you could
have brought something
a little bit more practical?

Don't none of you
slags move. I'll kill the
fucking lot of you !

Who are you gonna
kill, Plank? There's no
one fucking there.

(SCREAMS)

They fucking
shot me.

Well, shoot
them back.

Jesus, Plank.
Couldn't you have got
smokeless cartridges?

l can't see a bloody thing.

(GROANS)

Shit.

l've been shot.
l don't fucking
believe this.

Could everyone
stop getting shot?

DOG: John, sit down
and patch yourself up.

You tart, it's
a fucking air rifle.

What the fuck
was that?

Well, that
was the Bren gun.

lf you fire
that gun again,

you're a dead man.
Understand? Dead.

No ifs, no buts,
you're a fucking
dead man !

All right,
all right.

l've got the bollock
ache with this. Where's
me fucking gun?

All right, now
that l've got
your attention,

firstly l'm gonna
blow his toes off.

(GUN FlRlNG)

(WHlSPERlNG) Shit.
DOG: There go
his toes.

Now if you want
me out of here in
five minutes flat,

open the
fucking gate,

'cause l'm gonna
blow his leg off.

They're gonna
fucking kill us if
we do, man.

Poor J will certainly
get it if we don't.
He's serious.

l'm losing patience.
Hurry up, girls.

WlNSTON: lt's all right.
All fucking right.

Willie, he
doesn't know
you're here. Just. . .

Sort something out.

And all your friends,
there's a good lad.

There's only
three of us here.

l don't believe you.
Fuck it, l'm gonna
blow his leg off.

l mean it.

lt's only
three of us.

DOG: Plank?

Yeah. One
of them is out.

Now open
the gate.

(SlGHS)

(GROANlNG)

Up, up, up.
There's a
good lad.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

John, get
them tied up.

Plank, where's
the money?

There. ln those
shoeboxes.

Where?
Out the back.

And the weed?
Out the back.

Point.
With what?

Your fucking
hands, now.

l'm tied up.

Well, nod your
head or something.

Check it out.
Plank, get Paul out
of that van, lively.

(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)

(SCREAMS)

(GUN FlRlNG)

Knife.

l'm gonna cut him.
Make sure he
knows he's dead.

How you doing, Mick?
How do you think
l'm doing?

He's fucking nearly
chopped me arm off.

Jesus Christ.

Lenny, what the
fuck's been
going on here?

Shut up, you idiot.

lt's Hanukkah.

Well, don't just
stand there.

Have you got
the bags? Can
you fit it all in?

lt's a lot.

l can't get
Epping Forest
in my van.

Can't? I don't
wanna hear "can't."

Bollocks to can't.

You'll fit it all in
if you have to
make two trips.

Bollocks.

You've got
a ticket already.

And if you don't
move it, we will
move it for you.

l'll only
be a minute.

You've already
been 15.

Look.

Come and
have a look.

At what, exactly?

Well, the
van's half full.
So?

So, all l've got
to do is fill it up,

put you in it. . .
What?

And l'm off.

Do you think you
can carry more than
one bag this time?

l can't.
My neck, Dog.

How many more bags?

JOHN: Just a couple.

Mick, you dead yet?

l'll be all right
once l've dealt with
that lanky prick.

DOG: Do it quietly.

lt's time I say,
"Good night,
nurse."

(GUN CLlCKlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

Where the fuck
did she come from?

(PANTlNG)

That is it. Tie her up.
We're out of here.

What are you
doing, Ed?

Do you
want one?

No, I fucking don't.
You cannot make
a cup of tea, Edward.

The entire
British Empire was
built on cups of tea.

SOAP: Yeah, and look
what happened to that.

And if you think l'm
going to war without one,
mate, you're mistaken.

Going to war
with what?

Have you forgotten
those guns,
you dozy prat?

You won't get away
with this.

Paul, what's that?

lt's a
traffic warden.

l can see
it's a fucking
traffic warden.

What's he doing
in the back
of the van?

He was gonna
call the cozzers.

Fair enough,
we'll deal with
him later.

How are
we doing, Tom?

Right as rain.

l'm just gonna
take care of
the cabs.

Keep us posted.

All right, mate,
do you do airports?

Where the hell
are we gonna
hide?

Don't complicate
things. Just hide.

We're on.

Cor, they weigh
a pound or two.

Shut up
and back up!

(WHlSTLES)

Spin round,
big boy.

What the fuck?

Stay down.
Stay down !

Tie them up,
tape them up,
hands and face.

On the floor!

Bend over
the fucking desk.

Keys. I want
keys. Now!

l'll find you.

Course you
will, sweetheart.

l'll find you.

What do you think
this is, fucking
hide-and-seek?

That one.
Search that one.

Right, I'll see you
in the van when you've
finished with handsome here.

Jesus, that
wasn't too
bad, was it?

When the bottle in my
arse has contracted,
l'll let you know.

Bacon, see
what we've got.

Let's have
a butchers, eh?

We've hit
the jackpot, lads.

We've got God knows
how much of this
stinking weed,

a shit load
of cash

and a
traffic warden.

What?

Jesus, Ed,
we got a
traffic warden.

l think he's
still alive.

He's got claret
coming out of
him somewhere.

What did they
want with a
traffic warden?

l don't know,
but I don't think
we need him.

Knock him out
and dump him
at the lights.

Knock him out?
What do you mean,
knock him out?

Knock him
out with what?

l don't know!
Use your imagination !

(GROANlNG)

Don't touch him up.
Knock him out!

l'll knock you
out in a minute.

Look, you
want to knock
him out,

you knock
him out.

l fucking hate
traffic wardens.

lt's about time you
gave my young
friends a visit, Chris.

Tomorrow's the
day and
mum's the word.

Now I can't have that,
can l, Baz?

No, Harry,
you can't.

l mean, it's
a liberty.

And I can't have
a liberty taken,
can l, Chris?

No, Harry,
you can't.

l mean, it's enough to
give me the arsehole.

And I can't have
the arsehole,
can l, boys?

BOTH: No, Harry, you can't.

EDDlE: Right, that's it.
We're done.

We're off.
Here, Ed.

Are you sure it's
a good idea taking
this back to yours?

Well, it's the
only place we
can take it,

and it's the last
place they're
gonna look.

Anyway,
fuck it!

The battle is over
and the war is won.

Now, Tom.
You take this
to Nick the Bubble,

then we get
rid of it quick.

lt's skunk,
and it's as good
as it gets.

All right,
we'll take it.

Half price.

l don't think
he'll like that.

You said 3.5 a key,
and you know that's
a good price.

lt was yesterday
l said three
and a half,

and now it's today
if l'm not mistaken.

We'll take it
tomorrow, half price.

lf he wants to
get rid of it quick,

he'll have
to take it.

Now look,

l've got a
race coming up
in a minute,

so if you'd just be
kind enough to. . .

Lenny, take that round
to Snow White and
the three little chemists.

They should
have a gander
of that.

l want a
second opinion.

LENNY: Hang on
a minute, Nathan.
Something stinks.

NATHAN: Yeah, your
fucking aftershave.

LENNY: Fuck you,
funny man.

For God's sake.
Help me.

l'm in pain.
l'm in so much
pain ! Jesus.

Go in slowly,
Nathan.

Fuck you, funny
man, you go first.

Just get the fuck
in there, will you?

l want this
house searched
for bugs.

l mean,
l want it
stripped.

Where's the
point in that?

Even if there was a
bug, they'd have
taken it with them.

lt's a bit late
for you to start
thinking, John.

lf it's a possibility,
that's good
enough for me.

And when you've
stripped this place,

l want every slag this
side of Ceylon pulled in
and tortured badly.

l want to know
who's responsible
for this.

Otherwise, l'm gonna
hold you responsible.

EDDlE: Not a bad day.

That pile takes
care of Harry.

What's left
over?

Give me half
a chance to
count it.

What about
this gear then, eh?

What, you want
a toke on that?

No, I don't think
l want any of that
horrible shit.

Can we lock up
and get drunk
now, please?

We shot
one of them
in the throat.

What do you
want, a medal?

l'll shoot you in the
fucking throat if I don't
get my ganja back.

RORY: The one you
shot, is he still
in there now?

No, it was
another one.

That's more like it.

Where is he?

Well, they
took him with.

No, he's
still alive.

What did you
shoot him with?
An air gun?

Look, we grow weed.
We're not mercenaries.

You don't say.

Who could it be?

Where do
we start, Rory?

Mr. Breaker.

Today my name
is Mr. Breaker.

You think this is
a coincidence?

This white shite
steals my things

and thinks that he
can sell it back to me!

He's got less
brains than you,
Lenny!

Get Nick,

the greasy wop. . .
Greek bastard
round here now.

lf he's still
stupid enough to be
on this planet.

(ROCK SONG PLAYlNG)

Your stupidity might be
your one saving grace.

Uh?

Don't "uh" me,
Greek boy!

How is it your
fucking stupid,
soon-to-be-dead friends

thought that they
might be able to
steal my cannabis,

and then sell it
back to me?

ls this a
declaration of war?

ls this some white
cunt's joke that
black cunts don't get?

'Cause l'm not
fucking laughing,
Nicolas!

l know you couldn't
have known my position,

'cause you're not
that stupid that
if you did,

you wouldn't have
turned up here
scratching your arse

with that, "What's
going on here" look

slapped all over
your Chevy Chase.

But what you do know
is where these people live.

lf you hold back
anything, I'll kill you.

lf you bend the truth,
or I think you're
bending the truth,

l'll kill you.

lf you forget
anything,
l'll kill you.

ln fact, you're gonna
have to work very hard
to stay alive, Nick.

Now, do you understand
everything l've said?

Because if you don't,
l'll kill you.

Now, Mr. Bubble
and Squeak, you
may enlighten me.

So we've got
a bit of a problem,
ain't we?

Well, yeah.
Yeah, we do.

Yeah, yeah, we do.

ln fact, it's a little bit
more than a little bit
of a problem, isn't it?

On a scale of things,
you could say

it's the Mount fucking
Everest of problems.

And the reason it's such
a mon-fucking-strosity
of a problem is,

you don't even got
a first idea who did
this to us, have you?

Dog, we've been up
all night. lt's no one
from round here.

We've had them
all lined up
against the wall.

lf he was a toe-rag
from out of manor,
we'd know.

We'd know.

You'd know?
You'd fucking know?

You wouldn't know
if it was the next door
fucking neighbors!

Now get out there and
find them ! l'm sick of the
fucking sight of you !

Get out of my
fucking sight! You
little shit!

Scarface.

l've watched
Scarface.

lf you want to know
how to do a drug deal,
you watch Scarface.

That really
inspires
confidence, that.

This guy
Rory Breaker. . .

Rory Breaker?
Psychotic black
dwarf with an Afro?

That'll be the
same man, yes.

l heard about him.
He's a fucking lunatic.

Well, he can afford
to do the deal at the
price we're selling.

lt's not worth
him giving us
any trouble,

because he knows
we'll be a pain
in the arse,

and who needs
a pain in the arse?

l'll take a pain in
the arse for
half-a-million quid.

You'd take a pain
in the arse
for air miles.

Tom, the fatter
you get, the sadder
you get.

Will you two
stop flirting
for a minute?

After we pay Hatchet,
this deal puts us up

nearly £200,000
each.

That's not bad for
a morning's work,
l think you'll agree.

So they had the cash.

And the puff.

Cheeky bastards.

Count it.

Shit, Dog, there's a lot.
Don't you want to
do it next door?

We're not going
next door till we've flayed
them dead men walking.

We'll count
it upstairs.

l don't want them
to see you fingering
their money

when they
walk through
the door.

But, Dog, look. . .

Give us it here,
dozy bastard.

Check your guns.
Get yourselves
well hid.

You wait
till they get right
inside the door,

then you
give it to them.

Give me them
shooters, you can
use your own.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Yeah?

That's no way
to answer the phone.

(EXCLAlMS) ls that
you, Dean?

No, it's
Lord fucking
Lucan.

Who do you
think it is?

What can l
do for you?

You know those
guns I sold you?
l need them back.

Not likely, l'm afraid.
l don't think I'll be
seeing them again.

Look, l've got
the money to
pay for them.

l'm sure you do,
but I don't think
you understand.

l ain't gonna be
seeing them or
the guns again.

Can't
get them.

lf we can't get them,
we can't get them.

Well, you'll have
to fucking get them.

Look, we made the
fucking deal for everything
inside the cabinet.

lnside-out-fucking-side.
l don't give a shit.

You get those guns,
because if you don't. . .

Oh, yeah,
Bazza, or what?

Have you heard
of Harry Lonsdale?

Otherwise known
as "Hack you up with
a hatchet Harry?"

Well, this is

James Bond,
need-to-know time.

When you dance with
the devil, you wait
for the song to stop.

Know what I mean?

l mean, find them,
torture them
and kill them.

And bring back
what belongs to me.

Because if you don't,
your family's
bang in trouble.

Who was that?

(SlGHS) That was
Harry Horrible Hatchet.

Jesus, l've
heard of him.

DEAN: We're in shit.
They were his fucking
guns we soId.

We've got to find them.

Now, no fucking about
now, Nick. Where can
I find those guns?

Six black cocks and
a little white kitten sitting
on the side of the road.

We're gonna
do a proper
decoration job.

l want the gray skies
of London illuminated.

l want that
house painted red.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

All right.

There's this brass
standing on
the corner, right.

Dwarf walks up
to her carrying
a suitcase.

Winston, there, is gonna
come along and see if he
recognizes any of them.

Now watch out
for these fellows.

They've got a bit
of an arsenal,

and they
don't mind using it.

And l'm taking
down her panties.

Now, does everyone
here know what
they've got to do?

Yeah.
Yeah.

What the fuck
is going on?

(GUNS FlRlNG)

(GLASS SHATTERlNG)

You got something
here for me,
have you?

Come on,
chop-chop.

Thank you very much.

He's got the guns.
Go ahead,
you get them.

Why me?

You're supposed
to be the
hard case. . .

You go and
get the guns!
l drive the car!

Good boy.

Oh, get the
fucking guns!

l'm not going
to get the
fucking guns!

You get the
fucking guns!

You fucking. . .

(MOCKlNG LOUDLY)

All right, wrap
them guns up.

Count the money.

Put your
seat belt on.

GARY: Fucking guns!

We've got to get the
fucking guns, or
we're dead !

(STARTlNG CAR)

So I made sure
l fucked the one that
was coughing.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Get out of the car,
you yuppy fucker!

(DOG SHRlEKlNG)

He's the one
we shot in
the neck.

ls that right,
Mr. Botanical?

(GUNS FlRlNG)

(EXCLAlMlNG) Jesus.

l don't believe this.
What the fuck has
happened here?

Jesus.

The money.
The gear.

This is fucked.

No money.

No weed.

lt's all been
replaced by a
pile of corpses.

All right,
don't panic.

Let's think
about this.

No, fuck that.

You can think about
it. I am panicking
and l'm off.

How did you
get your hands
on these then?

The boys
had them.

l know you like
these sort
of things.

Wondered if
you wanted them.

Yeah, I'll have them.

Was it hard work
getting the money?

Not especially.

Upset a few
characters though.

You counted it?

Yeah. lt's all there,
to the pound.

And they
were gonna pay?

Looks like it,
but who knows?

The opportunity
was there.

ln my experience,
it's best to take
that opportunity

if it's there.

Good work, Chris.

DEAN: We've got to
get those guns.

This is dangerous
shit, Dean. We don't even
know who lives there.

Listen, I don't care
who lives there!

All's I know is that
it's preferable to
death by Hatchet.

GARY: Fair enough.

Let's go.

l don't think
it's the right move.

lt's either that,
the old boy's place
and we lose a digit daily.

l'm gonna
phone him.

As if
he'll care.

He'll care all right.
That was supposed
to be his money.

Whether he cares
about us or
not is different.

Pass me the phone.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Yeah?

That you, boy?

lt's Ed, if that's
what you mean.

Pay day, isn't it?

Yeah. I wanted to
talk to you
about that.

l'll bet you do.

l've got half-a-million
nickers sitting here,

which means some
poor sod doesn't.

You've been upsetting
a few peopIe, boy.

But that really
isn't my concern,
is it?

What does concern me
is the guns you had.

And I want to
taIk to you about that.

So get your arse
over here now,
and I do mean now.

Bastard ! You
fucking bastard !

Fucking bastard !

(SCREAMS)

What the fuck
are you doing here?

Job well done.
We made a few quid
out of that one.

Son?

Made a few quid,
did you?

Where's what
l want?

You all right
down there, mate?

Very fucking
funny.

Where's what
l want?

l've just left
it in the office.

We better go
to the office
and get it then.

That's if you want
your son to see
his next birthday.

Now chop-fucking-chop.

All right,
fair enough.

Where are
you going?

lt's a 30-second
drive or a five-minute
walk.

And I couldn't
have parked
outside.

l'd have
got a ticket.

l suppose that don't
matter now, does it?

Just be careful.

Right.

You and me.
You and who?

You know
where the door
handle is, Tom.

Oh, no,
not again !

That's it. l'm off.

Tom, that is
our bag.

Ed.
Hold on.

This is our bag.

That's it, we're off.

l'll see you in the
car. l'm gonna
take these guns.

Tom, don't
fuck about!

l'll see you
in the car.

Tom.
lt'll only take
a minute.

What is going on?

l don't know.
But what I do know is
there's no more Harry,

which means
there's no more debt.

And if there's no
more debt, there's no
more problem.

And there's no problem
with the neighbors,
because they're all dead.

And I think, if l
get this right,

we haven't done
anything wrong,
and we're in the clear.

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

Never ever
has anyone ever

been as fucking
rude to me

as you did !

Fucking bastard !

You all right,
mate?

Cheeky bastard.

ALAN: Now this was an
embarrassing position
for Tom to be in.

But Chris had to
respect the fact

that he was hoIding what
appeared to be a pair
of Ioaded shotguns.

And Tom had to respect
the fact that they
were not Ioaded.

So, without anybody
Iosing too much face,

Tom Ieft through a side door,
and Chris Ieft with the money.

And everybody eIse
got arrested.

He's not
one of them.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

l think your dad
would like a word
with you, Ed.

Where are the others?

They got out
yesterday. They're
back at the bar.

All right, Dad?

l'm all right.

How about yourself?

Oh, l'm all right.

Could do with
a drink, though.

All in good time,
all in good time.

So you in the clear?

More importantly, am l?

lt appears so.

Appears?

You'll have to do
better than fucking
appears, my friend.

Well, everybody's dead,
Dad. I think that's about
as clear as you can get.

How about that drink?

You know
where the bar is.

Hey?

Don't make yourself
too comfortable.
Alan's got to sit there.

Alan !

You're lucky you're
still breathing, let
alone able to walk.

l suggest you take
full advantage
of that fact.

You took
your time.

Where the hell
have you been?

Sit down,
l'll tell you.

So the traffic warden
identified the
neighbors' bodies,

which sort of
puts us in the clear.

The only thing connecting
us with the case is
those shotguns.

And Tom took
care of them.

SOAP: You did take care
of the shotguns,
didn't you, Tom?

l wanted to
talk to you
about that.

Well, talk.

Well, actually, no.

l've got them
sitting in the car.

l was gonna sell them
back to Nick the Greek,

but l'm having a bit
of trouble getting
hold of him.

You dippy
bastard.

So,

the only thing
connecting us
with the case

is in the back of
your car, which is
parked outside?

They cost us 700 quid.
l'm not gonna
throw them away.

And they're hardly
likely to trace them
back to us, are they?

Do you really think
it's worth taking
the risk for £700?

Tom, you're a dick.

Now you take those guns,
and you throw them
off a bridge.

And throw
yourself off
while you're at it.

Now, Tom.

Look, all l'm. . .
ALL: Now, Tom !

Can I have a beer,
please, Dad?

l'm busy.
Get it yourself.

lt seemed Hatchet
underestimated
you lot,

and it seems
to have cost him.

Well, I ain't gonna
make the same
mistake now, am l?

So l've decided
to bring your bag back.

l think the word you're
looking for, gentlemen,
is "thank you."

Thank you.

Now you've presented
me with a problem.

l've lost my employer.

So l've taken
care of meself
and me son.

Now if you think
that's unfair,

you come
and pay me
a little visit.

But you better
be waving a
white flag

high and clear,
so as I can see it.

Or it'll be the
last little visit
you ever make.

You understand?

That's all l've
come to say.

There is one
more thing.

lt's been emotional.

We are now officially
in the money-lending
business.

You all right, Son?

Put your
seat belt on.

We're out of here.

lt's empty.

ALL: What's his number?

Don't, don't!
You'll jam the line!
l'll call him.

My fucking battery.

Oh, you. . .
Give me
the phone!

No, fuck off!
l'll dial it!
Give me the phone!

Just be calm for a minute.
All right, shut up and tell
me the number!

Fuck you !
Give me
your phone!

You'll break it!
Just calm down !
Give me the phone!

Look, you'll
break it, and it'll be
fucked, won't it?

Will you shut?
lt's fucking ringing !

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)