All language subtitles for Girls.Trip.2017.1080p.BluRay.x264-Replica.English

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

RYAN: Every group of friends
has that one song

that no matter where you are

or what you're doing,
it pulls you out of your seat.

That was me and my crew,
The Flossy Posse.

(CROWD CHEERING)

I know, trust me.

Everything you had?
We had it and did it better.

But those were my girls,

thinking we were
the baddest chicks
in the game.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Definitely the baddest
chicks at FAMU.

ALL: Flossy Posse.

(WOMEN CHEERING)

RYAN: There was Sasha.

A journalism major
with intelligence to shine

on the country's
most respected publications.

Then she ended up doing
a, um, different kind of
journalism.

It may not be
Pulitzer Prize-winning...

(SCREAMING)

RYAN: ...but she's
making it happen.

She's gonna be fine.
I don't even know why...

We've gone
through this before.
RYAN: Here she comes.

RYAN: There was Dina.

She was a risk-taker.

It's chlamydia, y'all!
That shit should
get cured! Ay!

RYAN: But that's our girl.

Of course, there's Lisa.

Despite being
the sexy party girl,
she was a natural nurturer.

She gave love even
when it didn't love her.

(SNIFFLING)

ALL: Aww...

Come here, baby! Aww!

RYAN: Me? I'm Ryan Pierce.

Successful author...

You write best-selling books,
you cook on talk shows,

you make appearances
all across the country.

How do you have
time for a life?

As women, we're told

that we have to choose
between the personal
and the professional,

but I control
my own destiny.
I am strong,

I am powerful,
I am beautiful.

If I will it,
I can have it all.

RYAN: Married my
college sweetheart...

I'm a huge fan, Stewart.
Thank you.

RADIO DJ: But I do have
a question for you.

How does a former
All-Pro tight end
like yourself,

how do you hook up
with the second
coming of Oprah?

Ryan's strength
has always been

making others
their best selves,

and I knew I needed
that in my life.

I married my best friend.

Yeah, you got him, girl!

RYAN: And the Flossy Posse
was there to witness.

We were ride or die.

But sometimes,
words go unsaid,

disagreements go unresolved.

You still talk on the phone,
keep up on social media,

but a year goes by
where you don't
see each other.

And that year turns to five,

and before you know it,
you're so busy trying
to get what you want

that one day you look up
and find out

that the thing
you loved the most,
your crew,

the people
who make you feel at home
no matter where you are,

they're gone.

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

LIZ: Yeah, I heard you.
No, I gotta go.

I have to ask the question
to get the answer. Okay, bye.

Hey, sweetheart. Ryan?

Ryan? Hey!
Earth to Ryan!

Honey, listen. I know
that you are exhausted.

I got you running
all over this planet
doing this book,

but the Essence folks
just called and...

And

they want you to be
the keynote speaker
this year.

Yeah, it's VIP,
five-star treatment
all the way.

You just sign some books,
sign some autographs,

shake hands, you have
heaps of praise...

RYAN: (NARRATING)
And that's when
you realize

that the Flossy Posse
needs to ride again.

Tell them I'd be honored.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

You can purchase
Ryan Pierce's latest
New York Times bestseller,

You Can Have It All,
in New Orleans
at Essence Fest.

Well, speaking about
"You Can Have It All,"

when are you two
going to start a family?

Oh, God...
Because we know you would
make beautiful babies.

Trust me,
it is on the agenda.

No, I need you to
bring me something
I can use,

something good.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Let me call you back.

Bill, look,
I know why you're upset,

but I can't make people
click on your ads.

BILL: Well,
you better do something.

You guaranteed me
eyeballs on your site,
and I'm losing money, Sasha.

Well, I'm going to
Essence Fest this weekend.

Me and my girl, Ryan Pierce,
will be up in all
the hot VIP spots.

BILL: Ryan Pierce?
Any dirt on her?

Absolutely not.

Plus, I can't invent scandal.

But I guarantee you,
nine months from now,

there's gonna be
a lot of babies
named "Essence."

Cute, Sasha,
not helpful.
(SCOFFS)

Just give me a few more days
to increase views.

Please.

(SIGHS) Post something
your viewers wanna see
this weekend,

or we're done.

Hold, please.

Yeah, motherfucker!
Eat a bowl of dicks,
motherfucker!

You know you need me!

I'm the bitch
in these streets!

BILL: You've put me
on FaceTime.

Oh, my God.

(LINE BEEPING)

Shit!

Oh, no, no, no!
That's my car!

Dina, it has come
to my attention

that you had
a bit of a conflict
with a fellow employee.

No, not really.

I didn't know
it was your lunch!

(BOTH SHOUTING)

DINA: Stupid motherfucker!

(SCREAMS)
Don't you run from me!

The point is, physically
assaulting a co-worker

because he accidentally
stole your lunch...

Accidentally?
Is that what he told you?

He knew that was
my Go-Gurt.

That motherfucker is
crazy for that shit.

Be that as it may,

this is not the first time
something like this
has happened.

I'm gonna need
to terminate you.

I'm letting you go.

Word?
Word.

Ahh.

Yeah.
Good looking out, Ted.

Thanks for
letting me go, man.

Appreciate that,
nothing but water
under the bridge.

I'm gonna go
and get back to work.

No, there's no water
and no bridge.
You're fired.

Why you making me feel like
I'm on The Apprentice
or something?

Look, I get it.

You're upset, I shouldn't
be throwing things in
a "place of work."

Why are you making air quotes?
This is a place of work.

Lesson learned.

Oh, you're so
understanding.
Oh, oh, oh!

By the way,
I'm going to Essence Fest
this weekend with my girls.

We about to turnt up!
So I'm gonna need Friday off.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.
Uh, you can have
all days off, Dina,

because you
no longer work here.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Totally,
see you bright and early
Tuesday morning.

Plus or minus a few hours
depending on traffic.

Dina, we're not done yet!

Yes, we are.
TED: Dina!

Okay, Ted. (CHUCKLES)

Snitches get stitches.
Oh, shit!

Dina, you need
to grow up!

DINA: Mmm-hmm.

Bath time,
homework time,
snack time.

Seaweed chips,
cucumber rounds
without the skin.

Bed time,
8:00 p.m. sharp.

(LAUGHING)

Ma...

I need you to focus.

Would you calm down?

I have raised kids before.

And some of them
turned out okay.

You know what? Forget it,
I'm just gonna stay.
I'm gonna stay.

Because I can't
have these kids

deviate from their
schedule in any way,

it just messes
everything up.

So forget it.
What up, bitch!

(LAUGHS) Oh, what's good,
Miss Miller?

Hello, Dina.

Have you heard of
a doorbell?

Uh, have you heard
of locking doors?

There's crazy
people out there.
(GIGGLES)

You ready to get turnt?
No, I'm not going,

because I don't wanna
leave the kids alone!
No!

It's not gonna work!
No!

For once, I agree with Dina
and her foul mouth.

She needs this trip
so she can go off
and get some love,

so she can stop
being so grouchy
all the time.

Ma!

Your mama know
there's cobwebs
on that thing.

You know what?

DINA: Sorry.
(GIGGLING)

(GASPS) Aw...

BOTH: Bye, Mama!
Oh, my goodness!

LISA: I'm gonna
miss you so much.

Heifer, you are not
going off to war.

Go, go, I beg of you, go!

(CHUCKLING)
We'll be fine.
You are so silly.

Scrubs, really?
That's what you're doing?

What's wrong with this?
Uh-huh. We're not
going nowhere

until we see you with
some camel toe, okay?

No, I don't do camel toe.

Okay, well, you can't
just show forearm!

That's not sexy.
All right, Dina!

What? Are you going
to teach first grade?

Who wears socks this
thick in New Orleans?

Nobody.
All right.
I've organized everything.

What is this,
the Bidi Bidi Bom Bom
collection?

Is this a Care Bear?
Don't touch my things!

As usual, you guys
fucking killed it!

And I'm not the only one
who thought so.

Are you gonna tell us
who else thought so?

(SCOFFS)

You have no patience
for dramatic revelation!

Fine.

Bethany Marshall,
the head of marketing
from Best Mart, thought so,

and...

And what else?
(GRUNTS)

She wants
to launch an exclusive
"Ryan and Stewart" collection

and underwrite
a "Ryan and Stewart"
talk show!

Boom!

Wait, are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious!

That's amazing!

I know!

She said, and I quote,
"They're both just so real."

She's gonna send
her business affair peeps

down to New Orleans
this weekend
to make the offer.

They wanna launch
by end of year.

(BOTH LAUGHING)
That's amazing!

RYAN: Thank you!

Honey, thank you!
We're gonna be rich!
We're gonna be rich!

And thank you!

Hey, babe, I gotta head out
or I'm gonna miss my flight.

But I will see you
and the Flossy Posse
in New Orleans.

Yes.
All right.

I love you.
I love you.

In love with you.
I'm in love with you.

I love you! (LAUGHS)
Come here!

Aw... (LAUGHS)

Thanks.

Whoo!

Hmm.

Oh!

Oh!

I'm so lonely.

(MOANING)

Oh, you smell good.

She bought it for me.

Sorry, go before
I spank you. I just did.
(SLAPS BUTT)

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Please go. Bye!
(KISSES)

Oh! Gosh, that man knows
how to exit a room.

(LAUGHS) Woof!

Now, Ryan, honey,
don't be mad, but with
so much on the line,

are you sure that
you wanna get turned with
your girls this weekend?

I promised them a free trip
and it's "turnt" with a "T."

Okay, got it.

But maybe just wait
until the deal closes,

and then take them all
to St. Barts, buy them all
Birkin bags or something?

Liz, it'll be fine,
I promise.

Listen, we're all adults
and our insane party days
are behind us.

Well, most of us.

I just know if I was with
my college girlfriends
in New Orleans,

there'd be
pictures of our tits
all over the Internet.

There's actually
a few of those out there,
I don't know if you saw.

But, anyway,
it doesn't matter because

the point is,
I have civilian titties,

but you have
bestselling
author titties,

and 10% of
your titties
are my titties.

I just want
our titties to
have a future.

Liz.
Yeah.

What's the name of my book?

You Can Have It All.

Exactly.

Okay, you're right,
I gotta defer
to your judgment.

So, listen,
I'm gonna fly in before
your first appearance.

I'm really excited to
meet the Flossy Posse.

You girls are gonna be
keekee-ing all weekend.

Okay. Liz?
Yeah.

I'm gonna say this
out of love.
Preach, girl.

Mmm. Please refrain
from saying things
like "preach,"

or "Go, girl,"
"Bye, Felicia,"
"ratchet,"

or any other colloquialisms
that you may have heard

or looked up on
Urban Dictionary.

This weekend, over half
a million black women

of all sizes,
shades, from all different
socio-economic backgrounds

are descending on
the Crescent City

to celebrate black womanhood
in all its glorious forms.

You, my dear friend,
are a guest.

(EXHALES)

Act accordingly.

(SIGHS) Wow.

I'm not even offended.

You're the best!
Oh! Mmm.

(GIGGLES)
Thank you.

(SIGHS)

Have fun on
your hashtag Black
Girl Magic weekend.

Girl, bye!

ANNOUNCER: (ON PA)
4718 to New Orleans will
commence boarding shortly.

Got my hand sanitizer.

Got my anti-nausea medication,
hold on to that. Oh!

Hi, earplugs!

Oh. You need to
relax, Judge Judy.

You know,
I got some bomb-ass kush
if you wanna take a hit of it

before you get
on the plane. That shit
will have you right.

Where did you hide it?
You know what?

Never mind,
I'm not even gonna ask.

Fine, I ain't
gonna tell you.

Okay, I'mma tell you.

Where the sun don't shine.

You know,
a lot of people think
that means the vagina.

But, actually,
it's the butthole.

I got drugs in my booty.

You know what?
That can cause
a lot of infection.

Girl, you can't get
no infection in
your bootyhole!

It's a bootyhole.

Okay, enough.

You're grown.

On another note,
let me ask you a question.

Do you think the situation
with Ryan and Sasha...

Think there's still drama,
or has it been long enough?

It better be, because I plan
on getting white-girl-wasted
this weekend,

and I ain't letting
none of you bitches
kill my vibe, okay?

(COUGHING)

That's hand sanitizer.

(COUGHS) It burns.

Well, considering we don't
know where your mouth
has been, it can't hurt.

God!

You want a cough drop?
Hmm. Yeah.

Here.

Excuse me, can you ladies
point me in the direction of

the Flossy Posse!

(ALL SQUEALING)

LISA: Oh, my goodness!

It's so good to see you!

I'm so happy to see you two.

Girl, you killing it!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, ladies!
(ALL SQUEALING)

DINA: Sasha, my goodness!

Oh! I've missed you
guys so much!

DINA: It's so good to
see you! Flossy Posse!

ALL: (CHANTING)
Flossy Posse! Flossy Posse!

(VOCALIZING)

She baddie!

Sash! (LAUGHS)

Hey, Ry.

Hey.

(INHALES SHARPLY)
Well, life is treating
you well, I see that.

Please! I see you and Stew
pop up on my feed

once a week going to
some fabulous event.

I love your hair.
Nice dress.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Seems like
they're getting along.

Shit...

These bitches is plastic.

That's a great
lipstick, too.
Thank you, right?

Ladies!

I made something
very special for us
this weekend.

Oh.

Bam!

What the fuck?
Look like a Bedazzler
threw up on that thing.

What? This is
very fashionable,

it's of today and yesterday.
It's very retro.

How about we save it
for the last night?

Of our lives?

(LAUGHING)

Or donate it to
the My Little Pony
Motorcycle Club.

Okay.

I put a lot of man-hours
into these jackets.

See, that's not
the kind of man-hours

we need you
putting in,
Lisa-lise.

Okay. Et tu, Sasha?

SASHA: Yes, you need
to bedazzling some dick,
that's what you need to do.

(LAUGHING)

DINA: Okay, now
here's what I want.

Let me get
three shots of whiskey
with a Coke to chase.

Coke Zero though,
I'm watching my figure.

Dina, you know this is
only an hour flight?

Oh, well, then,
in that case, let me go ahead
and get those three shots now,

and then bring me
a shot of Baileys

once we get into
cruising altitude.

SASHA: She about
to turnt up.
Sure.

Oh! And let me
get a Cherry Coke.

Dina, can we just
bring it down a notch?
Hmm?

Oh! Can we get some
dick this weekend?

You know what?
I need you to use
your lady mouth.

I need you to use
your lady mouth.

(CHUCKLING)
RYAN: All right. All right.

Let's just use Lisa's
version of lady mouth.

No, seriously,
for real though,

how long has it been
since you got
that back blown out?

I don't know,
two years maybe.

Wait.
What?

Since Terrence?

I don't know. I mean,
I take a vigorous spin class,

I read really
intense erotica,

and I invested
in a very powerful
detachable shower head,

which has been very
good to me, mind you.

Mmm-mmm.
Okay, that story just
put me into menopause.

You getting some
this weekend.
DINA: Straight up!

You're gonna get
at least two dicks
inside of you.

For crying out loud,
Dina, we only gonna be
there for three days.

Well, three dicks then.

(DINA LAUGHS)
Mmm-hmm.

You know, Lisa,
Dina could be right.

Daily penetration
is medicinal.

Oh, my goodness.

Don't be ashamed, girl.

Every sista up in here
is on a mission

to be her very best
and ratchet self.
Oh.

You, especially.

Who's ready for
Essence Fest?

(ALL WHOOPING)

See, Lisa? There is
no turning down up in
here, only the turnt up.

(LAUGHS) I love turnt ups.
Ma'am, excuse me.

Excused, uh, I got this.

Can you go ahead and
make some Patrón shots
for everybody up here?

On me.
(MOUTHING) I'm sorry.

I'm gonna
take care of everybody
in first class because...

(SINGING)

I'm every woman
It's all in me

(ALL CHEERING)

Anything you want
done, baby

I do it naturally

(ALL SINGING)

ALL: Flossy Posse!

ALL: Flossy Posse!

Wait, I see our sign!

Yes!

Hello.
Oh, my goodness!

Thank you so much.

(GASPS) Mmm.

Oh, my God!

Thank you! (GIGGLES)

(CHEERS)

Ay! Ay! Ow!

(ALL SINGING AND CHEERING)

A lovely day

A lovely day

(ALL CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Oh, God!

Oh, shoot!

Run, Dina! Run!

(ALL CHEERING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(WHOOPING) Fuck yeah!

That's some white
boy shit right there.

Who's ready for a refill?

Dina, I haven't even
finished this one yet.

Girl, you used to finish
a supersized Slurpee

filled with grain alcohol
before noon.

Mmm-hmm.
True.

That was before two
beautiful little human beings
ripped out of my vagina

and sucked all the life
out of my breasts.

I don't coochie pop no more.

Ryan.
What?

We are your biggest fans.
Will you take
a picture with us?

Yes, sure, of course.
We are your biggest fans.

WOMAN: Oh, my God.
My friends are over here.

Damn, this shit gonna be
happening all weekend?

You know,
I'm so proud of her.
Look at her.

It's like traveling
with Beyoncé.

Oh, my God!
Are you guys
friends with Ryan?

Yeah.
Yeah.

I'm a huge fan!

Here, this is
for you. Here.

Oh, okay, thank you!
Thanks so much!

Enjoy!
Yes!

Shit! This is like
traveling with Beyoncé!

Thank you so much! Aw!

Girl, you so pretty!

(GRUNTING)

Sista, sista,
it's $50 a pop.
$50 a pop.

Dina, I wouldn't
do that.

DINA: Who else is gonna
take a picture with Ryan?
It's $50.

We take American Express, EBT.

You trying to go to jail?
Because you need
a permit for all that.

What the fuck?

Lisa!

Lisa!
DINA: All right, sista.

LISA: Wait a minute.
Hold up.

SASHA: Can you believe this?

LISA: Oh, my God.

What y'all
tripping off of?

Oh, hell, no!

That can't really be...

That's definitely
Stewart's punk ass,

and that's definitely not
Ryan he's tonguing down.

Where'd you get the picture?

My paparazzi guy
sent it to me.

Who is this
ratchet-ass bitch?

SASHA: Simone,
some Instagram hoe.

Heard she sucked off A-Rod
in a bathroom one time.

Wait a minute.
All this NBA dick

and she's sucking
a baseball player?

You know what I'm saying?
That type of bitch.

Oh, my God. I hate her.
But you know what?

That ass is really cute.

Do you get that from squats
or is that injections?

Oh, shit! She here!

That little dirty bitch
Simone is here?

Okay, we gotta tell Ryan.

(INDISTINCT)

Handle that, Sasha.

Why I gotta be the one?
It's your picture, hoe.

Okay, no matter what,
we have to do it delicately,

because she's having
a good time.

No, fuck that.
You gotta do it like
a Brazilian wax.

Just yank everything
out at once.

Now, she gonna feel like
her uterus is on the paper
and she's gonna scream,

but it's way better than
waterboarding the bitch.

Can we at least wait
until we get back to
the room?

Can we agree on that?

So we have
the most amazing suite
at the Monteleone,

VIP passes to
all the parties,

and great seats
at the Superdome
for New Edition,

Maxwell and
Doug E. Fresh!

And we are going to eat!
Damn the calories!

Yup!
Yes!

I'm gonna kill somebody.

What?

(ALL MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Now, I do have
some obligations,

but the truth is,
this weekend is all about
the Flossy Posse!

We're gonna be
staying up late,
drinking,

making memories
that we can laugh about
the rest of our lives

because that is what
a girls trip is for.

SASHA: Yeah, word.
LISA: YOLO.

Ooh, I gotta hide
a bitch body.

And gossip!

No secrets,
I want all the dirt!

Bitch, your man is sleeping
with an Instagram skank.

You just had to say
something, didn't you?

That was an opening,
that's God.

Recognize.

SASHA:
Come on, Ryan. I need to...
I gotta show you something.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Ryan, I don't even
know what to say.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

You know we're here for you,
for whatever you need.

Don't worry, boo.
I'm gonna put hands on them.

I'm talking hot grits,

extension cords,
Timberland boots.

I'm gonna fuck up
that bitch's
Instagram account.

I'm gonna put two Q-tips
in his pee-pee hole,

and I'm gonna
walk him around.

I'm gonna just wipe,
just swipe in that thing
and yank them out!

And then I'm gonna stick
my fingers up in his ass

and tell him I'm checking
his prostate,

but really I'm gonna
yank his balls

out of the back of
that motherfucker!

And then I'm gonna put
my fist so far up his ass,

I'm gonna pull his heart out
through that motherfucker,
and I'm gonna

"Kali ma shakti"
that shit, just...

(MIMICS HEART BEATING)

Then I'm gonna stick
my fingers
back up in his ass,

and then I'm gonna
twirl them around

and see if that make him
giggle a little bit.

Because I like to make
a motherfucker laugh

while I hurt him,
you know what I'm saying?

Well,
that's not necessary,
Dina, really, honestly.

I've known about this
for a few months. So...

The fuck?
You into that shit?

No, Dina, come on.
Obviously, I was very upset,

but Stewart and I are
in counseling, and
we're working through it.

Look at that!
That is fantastic!

I am so glad to hear that.
Good for you.

Thank you, Lisa.
Stewart and I are a team.

Yeah, he's made some mistakes,
but that's in the past.

No, it's not.

This picture was
taken last night.

Mmm.

I don't believe that, Sasha.

And you know what?
I really don't wanna
be judged right now.

I'm the last person
to judge you, but...

Guys! Okay, listen.

I really meant
what I said earlier.

This weekend is about us.

We haven't hung
in five years,

and, by the grace of God,
we are here together.

Come on,
let's take advantage of
that because if we don't,

if we waste
this precious time,
then shame on us,

because today is
the last day that we will
ever be this young.

She fucked me up
with that one.
All right!

Now, the Flossy Posse
is back in New Orleans,
so let's go!

Let's go, bitches!
LISA: She's right, let's go!

DINA:
But I will shit in
that nigga's shoe.

Ryan.

You know it's just
a matter of time

before the photographer
shops this picture.

Sash, don't worry.
I'm gonna handle it.

RYAN: Come on, y'all!

I love this place so much!

Wow. So, listen,
I'm gonna go check us in,
get our credentials.

You guys should go check
out the Carousel Bar
and have a drink,

and I'll be back
in five minutes.
It's really cute.

To the bar!
All right!
I'm ready to ride.

Looks nice, let's see.

LISA: Oh, look at that!

SASHA: Your kids
would like this.

Man, damn!
This is the shit, man!

Aw, it's so cool!
It's moving around.

Yes, it's super cute.

Ooh!

There goes Stewart.

Oh.

Asshole.

Dina, look at me!
Don't!

Look at me!
Okay, come on now.

You heard what Ryan said,
just be cool.

I'm gonna be cool,
I just wanna say hi,
that's all.

Why are you taking...
I'm gonna just say hello.

No! Don't you say hello!

No, Dina, don't do that.

Remember,
Ryan said this is her life,
we shouldn't get involved.

Hold this!

Dina!

Dina, no!
No!

(SCREAMS)

Bitch!

What the hell's
wrong with you?

Don't play me, nigga.
I will end you!

You and your little
thirsty-ass wannabe MILF!

But not really a MILF.

Nigga,
you getting old bitches
from the resting home?

Is that what you're doing
to my homegirl?

You fucking with
Gladys Knight, nigga?

Do you got knee pads
under them slacks, Slurpee?

What?
Dina, this my Aunt Marian!

How do you do?

Oh, I'm doing just fine,
but you know what?

Your nephew is nasty!

He a nasty nigga!

Oh, yeah,
your bloodline is nasty!

Okay. All right.

All right, I'm sorry!
She's off her meds today!

He do people wrong!
You're going to Hell!

You so nasty!

And that ugly,
tight-assed suit!

It is so very nice to
meet you, Miss Aunty.

And that is a lovely
blouse you have on.
Why, thank you.

As for you, Stewart...

I am very disappointed
in you. Very!

You guys have
a lovely afternoon.
Thank you for your time.

AUNT MARIAN: Thank you.
You have a good day, too.

(DINA SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

What the hell happened?
SASHA: Breathe. Just breathe.

I was gone for
three minutes!

This shit took one!

What? Hockey players
don't even fight that fast!

Ma'am, I need you to leave
the premises immediately.

Hello, sir.

Ryan Pierce, this year's
Essence keynote speaker

and author of
You Can Have It All.

I am sorry,
I'd like to apologize
for my friends.

But I can assure you
that everything is fine now.

Ma'am,
she's holding a broken bottle
of Château Margaux.

Don't be speaking French
to me, motherfucker!

Dina, you're lucky my aunt
is hard of hearing.

And you're lucky TSA
took that straight-edge
away from me!

Mr. Pierce, we are in
the process of removing
her right now.

Thank you.
Wait!

Really, that is
not necessary.
Dina, calm down.

I promise you.
We are longtime friends,
since college.

This is just the way
we greet each other.

Miss Pierce, I'm sorry,
but that's not the way
we do things here.

Okay, understood.

But we are not
pressing charges, okay?

Isn't that right, Stew?

Well, no, but if
that's the hotel's policy,
then I understand.

No!
What?

You a dick-ass nigga!

Eat a dick!
And I mean that as
a sista to a brotha!

You know what?
It's cool.
I'm gonna leave.

Okay, we're leaving.
I'm gonna leave.

We're gonna leave.
Just give me a second.

LISA: Oh! Dina! Oh, my...

Okay, you know
what, Dina...

DINA: Milk Dud head...

You look like an ugly,
dirty Mr. Clean!

Your girl needs a leash.

DINA: Wipe-ass bastard!

Your room, now!
I don't wanna go to my room.

That place is nasty!
It's haunted!

I was there last year!
Swear to God, I was up
in there last year.

A ghost tried to fuck me!

You ever been
fucked by a ghost?

RYAN: Are you kidding me?

You said you ended this shit,
and now there's a picture?

Are you not
understanding?

And on top of it,
the bitch is here!

I didn't invite her.

Well, neither
the fuck did I!
You need to call her,

and you need to
send that genetically
enhanced ass home!

Come on, baby.
How am I supposed to do that?

The same way you tell her
to come get some dick.

You tweet, Snapchat, DM,

smoke signals,
whatever you do,
I don't give a shit!

You know what?
(SCOFFS) Whatever.

I'm not doing this.

This is stupid.

This isn't a marriage,
but we agreed to at least
be a partnership,

and you can't hold up
your end of the bargain,
let alone your pants!

This is against everything
I tell my readers,
my followers,

and yet I'm putting up
with it?

No!
Ry, I'm sorry.

You're always sorry.

I know, but, look,
I won't do it again.

You always ain't
gonna do it again!

Baby, I mean it this time.

Okay? Real talk.
(SCOFFS) Mmm-hmm.

Ryan, baby, listen.

You're right,
you don't deserve this.

But our brand is who we are.

It's who you are.

Giving all that up
because I was sloppy

isn't worth all
that you have worked
very hard to accomplish.

Why would we give it up?

And for what? Huh?

To watch it all crumble?

To be alone?

Ryan, baby, I'm not going
anywhere, you know that.

I don't give
a damn about her.

Let's just do our dance
and handle our business.

Be that couple
who has it all.

No more slipups.

Stick to the plan
and get that hoe
under control,

and we close this deal.

Done.

Some of us have to
find a place to stay.

Damn.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
So where we at?

I called. All the four
and five star hotels
are booked.

You know what, whatever,
who needs a fancy suite?

I mean, come on.

Let's rough it.
It'll be like old times.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

I get the feeling there's
definitely been a few chalk
outlines on this floor.

Oh, yeah, somebody was
definitely murdered
in this room.

It smells like the body
is still in here.

Ugh.

The fuck? No minibar?

I feel like that one star
was hella generous.

Bitch, you the reason we here.

Classic Dina. You just
had to cause a scene.

Classic Sasha,
can't never let shit go!

It just happened!
Why would I let it go?

What do you mean,
it just happened?
It's in the past!

Hey.

Hey! Hey! Stop arguing!

Stop it!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hey!

DINA: Let it go!

I think I got scabies.
It's itching.

Y'all expecting somebody?

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
Uh-uh.

Fucking foggy peephole.

(IN HOARSE VOICE)
Who is it?

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Oh!

Rochelle here?
Oh!

No, sir, I am sorry,
you have the wrong room.

Please leave.

This is where I meet
Rochelle every night.

Hey, Rochelle ain't here,
homeboy. You need to get on.

It don't have
to be Rochelle.

I'll take one of you.

You mean to tell me,
we staying at a motel

where $5 hoes do
their business?

$5, shit, I get $2 change.

Oh!

Lisa, you game?

Might as well turn a profit
on dick number one tonight.

Bust that thing open.

Not if she wearing that.
What?

I told you that outfit
was ugly as hell,
he don't even wanna fuck.

Listen, sir, just because
she is not fashionable

doesn't mean that
you have to be rude!

(KISSES)
(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

Get out!

DINA: Shoot!

What's wrong with him?
Close this.

You don't want
some of this?
(SCREAMING)

What is that?

You don't want some of this?

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, shit!

You are disgusting!

(LAUGHING)

Go find Rochelle!
No, you go find Rochelle!

Y'all are gonna get me
a heart attack!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh...

(LAUGHING)

I don't find
this funny at all.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Yes, girl,
you're giving me life.

Oh, hold up, Sash,
your tag is hanging out.
Let me pull it out.

Oh, no, don't pull it.
Just tuck it in for me.

Okay.

I made a deal
with the designer.

I'm gonna Instagram it
this weekend.

Some tastemaker shit.

Lis, hurry up, okay?

P. Diddy's not
gonna be waiting
for me all night!

He's a busy man.

All right, almost ready.

What the fuck is that?

(LAUGHING)

Wait a minute. Hold on.

You gotta be kidding me!

I really like this outfit.

I mean, this is
hand-stitched embroidery

from an indigenous
tribe in Guatemala
that's almost extinct.

So they not fucking
in Guatemala?

You know what?
Intelligent men of academia

are gonna really
appreciate this outfit.
Mmm.

All right, listen.
You look beautiful.

Thank you!

Now take it off
and put this on.

This dress is
a mosquito net.

Then maybe you'll catch
something in it.

SASHA: Yeah, a man.

Lisa, you look like
somebody's Puerto
Rican grandmother.

See?

Now men will fuck
almost anything,
but not you in that outfit.

Don't even, I already know.

Tighten that up.

Don't be taking
all day back there either,
making tamales and shit.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: New Orleans!

Make some noise

for New Edition!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING)

Oh, my gosh!

NEW EDITION MEMBER:
Sing yourself, y'all!

Oh, oh!

I have four.

Yay!

Party in the VIP!

(ALL CHEERING)

That's for Ryan
for getting us up in
the hot VIP spot!

Before we drink,
we should get hydrated.

Where is the water?
Excuse me, miss!

Lisa?
Yes.

Okay, this weekend,
we're gonna need
a little less "Mom" Lisa,

and a little more
"Freaknik" Lisa.

DINA AND RYAN: Mmm-hmm.

Like "Howard Homecoming" Lisa.

DINA: Ooh!

Ooh! "Bayou Classic" Lisa.

Ahh!
DINA: Mmm!

SASHA: That Lisa.

Like "NBA
All-Star Weekend" Lisa.

SASHA: That shut it down.

Come on now.
You're a fierce
sexual goddess.

I'm a bad bitch goddess!

Oh, yes!

Now go out there and slay.

RYAN: That's it!
Let's do this!

She ready.

So, hey, I don't mean
to be intrusive,

but, um, how many sexual
partners have you had?

(CLEARS THROAT)
Are you gay, straight?

Because with
the pocket squares...

I'm not feeling
confident about this.

So you're not
lactose intolerant?

You give me
the smallest bit
of ice cream,

and I'm taking off like
a rocket. It's just...
(IMITATES FARTING)

Damn, she rusty!

I had both my kids, right?

And I kept their placenta.

You know what
I do every morning?

When I make
my morning shake,

I take a little
bit of that placenta,
plop it right inside,

grind it up, throw it back.

I'm telling you
I'm gonna live
until I'm 100.

I can't watch this.
I tried, but I can't.

She's gonna have to Uber,
she ain't riding with us.

(SINGING)

Everybody!

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

Sasha Franklin?

Of Sasha's Secrets?

Miss Vanzant.

It is such an honor to
even be in the same...

So, come, missy,

and let me holler
at you for a minute.

Okay.

Do you know who I am?

Yeah, I just said...

Because either you don't know,

or some strange affliction

has altered
the molecular structure
of your brain.

If you think

that you can trash
my name and reputation

just to make a name
for yourself, missy,

that is not gonna
turn out well for you.

No, look,
I'm just the messenger.

I thought you looked
great in that thong.

Liar!

Try me again,
and I promise you

that you and I are gonna have
a Middle Passage experience,

a fight for survival,
and I will win.

Have I made myself clear?

Clear?

Clear.

Okay, thank you, beloved.

Blessings to you and
you enjoy the rest of
your evening. (LAUGHS)

Shoot!

Yes, tell me it recorded.

Please tell me
I got that on video.

Come on, please.

Damn it!

Damn it, Sasha!
That was your car
and your mortgage.

Hey, uh, Sasha.

Yeah.

Listen, do you, uh, mind
not working right now?

Well, what do you call
what you're doing?

No, I'm just saying
that I don't want anyone
to feel uncomfortable

thinking that you're
spying on them, that's all.

Ryan, I don't spy
on people.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm just saying that
I'm their guest,
you're my guest.

Are you telling me
to behave?

Is that what you're
telling me right now?

No, I'm just saying
that it would be

more appropriate
and effective...

What is appropriate
and effective?
Um, Sasha. Sasha.

These words you're
using on me feel...

Come with me to
the bathroom, please.

Real quick,
I got snaps
and zippers...

Jesus!
And all kinds of things.

SASHA: Lisa, I know
what you're doing.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Come on, Estelle!

Darling, yes, look at us!
No. No.

DINA: Two conquerors
taking over the world!

Don't be a bugger!
Pip pip, cheerio!

I'll tag you!
I'll be tagging you in this!
ESTELLE: Please don't!

What are you doing?
What?

I'm taking fun pictures
with celebrities.

I'm talking to
celebrities and everything.

(MAN CLEARS THROAT)

Glad to see some things
ain't changed.

Julian! Oh, my God!

Look at you!
You got muscles now!
(LAUGHS)

JULIAN: What up, D?
What's up, boy?

Look at you!
Man, you got fine!

Ryan!
It's good to see you!

I thought that was you.

I cannot believe
I'm looking at half
of the Flossy Posse!

And the other half
is here, too.

No shit?
Yes!

The whole entire FP crew
is in the building?
Mmm-hmm.

Okay, it's official now.
(LAUGHS)

Wow. So you
playing this weekend?

Yeah, I'm actually
sitting in with Ne-Yo

at the House of Blues
on Saturday.

Ne-Yo? I love Ne-Yo.

Well, y'all should
come through, swing by.

I will put you on the list,
it's nothing.

Okay, we're there.
Good.

DINA: Yeah, we're there.
(GIGGLING)

Ah, so, what you drinking?

Sash, I just brought you
in here, okay,

so that you could have
a little compassion for Ryan

and everything that
she's going through.

So I'm asking you
to please be nice.

I'm trying.

I mean, she is
the one giving me grief
about doing my job.

You know,
we can't all just smile
for the cameras

and sit next to
a football player
and make money off of him.

Ooh! Now, Sasha, that's
not fair and you know it.

You know you always do this.

I always do what?

Ryan can do no wrong
in your eyes.

(SCOFFS)

Even when she bailed
on all of our plans

to start the first
black Huffington Post.

That was five years ago,
all right?

Can you just let it go?

Okay!

Sash...

Don't look at me
with them eyes.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you, I love you.
Don't hug on me,

hug on some of that
man meat out there.

(SINGING)

Ma, can you hear me?

(SIGHS)

Dang it.

Reception is just awful.

Geez Louise. Come on.

Come on!

Hey, pretty lady
from Bourbon Street.

Hey, yeah...

You know that
doesn't work, right?

Oh. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You gotta try,
just in case you get lucky.

I mean, not lucky...

You wanna stand on
my shoulders and try?

You know, for height.

So, um, how many
baby mamas you got?

Zero.

You got a wifey?
No.

You got a husband?

(LAUGHING)

Don't even try to
play me, all right?

Dina, come on.
Now Julian is a musician,
he play the bass.

What's he gonna do with
one piece of
pussy coochie twat?

(LAUGHING)

There's a lot you
can do with just one.

(DINA AND SASHA HOWLING)

Talk to me, yes.
I got one you
could do a lot with!

(LAUGHING)

Stop!
Damn, she dangerous.

Close them.

Look! Smash alert,
two o'clock!

You got it?
I got you.

Oh, my God!

Is that Lisa?

We gotta keep twisting
like this, right?

Because that helps
with the reception.

Just a minute ago,
she was chasing them off,

now, she got her whole taco
in the dude's face.

Ma, can you hear me yet?

No, she still
can't hear me, though.

And it's raw taco,
she ain't got no panties on!

JULIAN: Y'all still wild.

Yes, we are!

Oh, my God!
That's Diddy, baby!

How y'all feeling
over here tonight?

Y'all ready
to have a good time
in this motherfucker?

JULIAN: Ladies,
look what your man's got!

Y'all, I'm about to get
pregnant tonight. Move.

You know you
created a monster.

It's a really
good vibe, come on.

Oww!

(SCREAMING)

(RAPPING)

(SCREAMING)

No!

RYAN: Dina,
put your shirt on!

Oh, shit!

SASHA: Girl, your booty
is showing!

You go and
get that ass!

That shit works!

Make some noise!

(SCREAMS)

(SQUEALING)

Oh, my God!

DIDDY: I love y'all!
Thank you, New Orleans!

Turnt up, turnt up, turnt up!

(LAUGHS) What we doing
after this, y'all?

My frat's having
a party at Xavier.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
How old are you?

Twenty-one.

We are not going to
any college frat party.
Twenty-one!

What?

Wait, maybe I should wait here
for Diddy to come out,

because once a man
lays his eyes

on these Biggie Smalls
up on my chest,

it burns in their brains,
it burns right
in their brains.

Come on, for real.

What y'all getting into?
I know y'all doing something.

Oh! Wait, come on, y'all.

I still have to work tomorrow,
I really should get to bed.

It ain't even
midnight yet.
Boo!

Come on, guys, listen.
I've just watched
my best friend grind on Diddy.

What could possibly top that?

Let's do this shit, bitches!

Flossy Posse is in effect!

Here I go!

Oh, shit!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING) Yeah!

That was amazing!

Guess she caught
her second wind.

RYAN: Sasha!

Come on,
you have to try it!
It's amazing!

Fuck it!
I'm white boy wasted anyway!

Come on!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Oh, shit!

Catch me!

(SCREAMS) Oh!

Don't let me go!
Don't let me go!

Don't let me go!

Sasha!

That was crazy!

Come on, Lis.
Come on.
It's time, let's go!

No, this is not
a good idea,
I have to pee.

The line is
shorter over there,

there's a long line
to the bathroom here.

Just go for it.

You can do it!
It's fine!

All right. All right.
All right. All right.

(CHANTING) Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!

Peter Pan that shit!

(SCREAMING)

CROWD: Oh!

Oh, shit!

LISA: What happened?

Why did I stop?

Why isn't it moving?

Wait, what's going on?
LISA: Why did it stop?

Hello? What's wrong?

(WHIMPERS)

Don't worry about it!

They're gonna fix it!
Just hold tight,
hold on, Lisa!

This is not the time,
I'm telling you!

SASHA: Don't worry!

Squeeze it!

Oh, God!

Baby Jesus, Jesus,
please don't make
me pee on anybody!

Stop taking that picture
of her fucking vagina!

Please don't do it!
(SCREAMS)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Oh!

(WAILING)

Damn!
How much did she drink?

Why have you
forsaken me,
Baby Jesus?

Your BFF is on her way!

I'm sorry,
I really tried to hold it!

(SHOUTING)

Don't worry, girl,
I got you!

(ALL SCREAMING)

I didn't know
you were into golden showers.
Girl, that's my jam!

Watch this! (WHOOPING)

What the fuck?

(CROWD SCREAMING)

What are you doing?

Y'all didn't even
have to take me
to Red Lobster!

(WHOOPING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, when I said "let loose,"
I didn't mean it literally!

Ry, what!
Did you see that?

Yeah, everybody saw it!

Damn!
Oh, I am so happy
we ran into you!

I swear,
I have not had this
much fun in so long.

You never had a problem
with that before.

I miss that girl.

You definitely
brought her back tonight.

(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)

Well, maybe she needs you
around a little more often.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh...

Maybe I should get you home.

Didn't you say you have
an appearance or something?

Tomorrow?

With your husband.

Yeah, that nigga.

What?

What? No.

(STAMMERING)

Yeah, no, no, right.
I should, um...

I should probably go.
Yeah.

Uh, but where y'all staying?
I'll take you to your hotel.

Where are you, at the W?

Uh...
The Roosevelt?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I got you, come on.

(GRUNTS) All right,
it's all yours.

Are you sure?

There's no way in hell
I'll let y'all stay
in that filthy dump.

I'll crash with
the guys in the band.

Y'all get some sleep.

Thank you, Julian,
for everything tonight.
For everything.

No sweat.

You sure everything
is good with you?

Yes! Absolutely.

All right, then.

Okay.

Good night.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Can I just touch it?
You can touch it.

(MOANS)

Oh. (GIGGLES)
(LAUGHS)

You're shy.

You should move your arm.

(MOANING)

That's not my arm.

(CRINGING)

I just...
I couldn't do it.

(BOTH SNICKERING)
It was unbelievable!

I'm telling you guys,
you had to see this thing.

Well, why didn't you
bring it out and show us?

Were you gonna help me
carry it out here?

I'd have slung it
over my shoulder.

Listen, I ain't never
seen nothing like that.

Wait. The good Lord
gives you all that meat,
and you just hand it back?

(SCOFFS)

Is that because you a vegan?

LISA: No, Dina.

It's because I wanna
keep my uterus intact.

(SCOFFS) Girl, I'm gonna
give you a lecture tomorrow.

But tonight
I'm too tired.

I think my liver
is broken.

Uh-uh. Y'all not going
to sleep. Come on.

Come on. Bring it.
Come on!

(SIGHS)
Get up!

Mmm-mmm.
RYAN: Oh, God.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

What?

I'm not going to Hell.

Jesus loves me, too.

Better recognize
your blessings.

She got a point.
Yeah.

Okay.

Here we go.

Heavenly Father,
we wanna thank you
for this day of life

and thank you for
bringing the Flossy Posse
back together.

It's like you always
listen to my prayers

because I missed
my girls so much.

And I can't wait for us
to have all the most fun
in the world!

Oh, I can just feel my heart
filling up with joy now,

just thinking about
all the good things
we gonna do...

(VOICE FADING)

Thank you.

Hey, are you
even up for this?

Don't worry, I've been
pretending to be
okay for two years.

I can do it for
a few more minutes.

Honey! Honey! Whoa!
Somebody got turnt.

(LAUGHS)
It's okay. It's okay.

Uh, yeah, yeah.
So, well, we're gonna get you
some coffee, okay, sweetie?

Okay.

Some water?
Yeah, water, too.

Yeah.

Listen, I've been out of
the game for a minute,

and I don't know
what these young girls
are doing out here

to handle all that.

But I'm not
on that train.

Come on now, Lisa.

I ain't never
known you to back down
from a challenge.

I know.

Just grapefruit him.
What?

Y'all ain't never
grapefruited before?

No.

But I'm listening.

What you wanna do is,

you get a grapefruit,
right?
Okay.

And you cut both
ends off, as so.

Then you cut a hole in
the middle, like this.

Like a nice little tunnel.

And then you place
that on his penis

like this.

Oh. Oh.
Okay.
Like that, right?

Now, you wanna
squeeze, and twist,

and suck, so then
it feels like he's getting
fucked and sucked

all at the same time.

It's like this.

(SLURPING)

(COUGHS)

You might choke just
a little bit because that
make him feel like a man.

Like he killing your shit.

(SLURPING)

Dude, this is tickling
my throat.

(CHUCKLES AND SLURPS)

Hmm.

Now, you never ever wanna
do this with a pineapple.

I almost died.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Sasha, tell me the truth.
Do you think
this color's too much?

It's barely enough.
It's beautiful.

ANNOUNCER:
Ryan and Stewart Pierce.

SUNNY: Give it up for Ne-Yo!

NE-YO:
It's always a beautiful
and energetic crowd

when you come to
the Essence Fest.

ANNOUNCER:
Miss Terry McMillan.

NE-YO: People, period.
But beautiful black people,

you know what I mean?
That's what you come for.

You come to celebrate
your blackness.

ANNOUNCER: Morris Chestnut!

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

ANNOUNCER: Ava DuVernay!

What is
"black girl magic"?

It feels like a reminder,
it feels like a rallying call,

it feels like
a term of endearment.

Make sure to keep
stirring so this crawfish
doesn't overcook.

Oh, yeah, because we
cannot have that, y'all.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I'm so sorry!
SASHA: You kissing
the air, girl.

I guess that chapter
in your book is right.

"The couple who
cooks together,
stays together."

So cute.
They're so cute!

Couldn't have said it
better myself.

That's true.

She on some
Academy Award shit
with this performance.

Aw, Sasha,
marriage is tricky.

She still loves Stewart.
They're just going
through a rough patch.

RYAN: And you can see,
there are a lot of different
peppers and colors...

Oh, no,
this bitch didn't.
What?

Oh, this heifer.

Dina, don't.

I'm just gonna
whip her ass!

Why don't we invite someone
from our audience to come
up and have a taste?

SIMONE: Ooh, I'll do it.

Oh, you in the red,
I saw you first!

Oh, hell no!
Let's go!

LISA: Oh, no,
wait, wait, wait!

CARLA: Right here.

Oh, wow.

This bitch think
she can just be
up in here,

doing whatever
the fuck she wants.

All right! Looks like we have
a few eager volunteers!

Come on up, girls.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

More the merrier.

I got her, Ry.

Mmm, this looks
so delicious.

But I could use
some extra sausage.

Oh, really?

You wanna be
careful with that.

You don't wanna choke
on too much sausage.

I'm good, I don't
have a gag reflex.

Ooh, this bitch
wanna get hurt!

Are they still talking
about jambalaya?

Um, uh, yeah,
it's colloquial.

Um, "Put your foot in it."

"So good, makes you wanna
slap your mama."

"Bitch gonna get hurt."

(CHUCKLES)
Got it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You know what,

since we've got
a true sausage connoisseur,

why don't we show her and
you guys everything you can
do with a sausage?

Ah!

Now, what do we
have here?
A cleaver.

Ah, so, let's
take this cleaver...

That's a big cleaver, baby.

You should be
careful with that.

Well, you know what, baby?

I'm always careful.

(CHUCKLES)
Mmm-hmm.

CARLA: Show him
who's boss, girl!

(GRUNTING)

Ooh. Ooh!

You don't want any
part of this sausage
not being cut!

Isn't that right, Stew?

Well, what is this?

There's nothing better

than a tender sausage
who knows who's in charge!

Right, baby?
She's the boss.

(GRUNTING)

CARLA: Ooh, girl!

Girl, put your back
into it!
SASHA: Bash that meat.

If your arms ain't tired,
you ain't been cooking!

(ALL LAUGHING)
Who knew!

Kitchen shears.

This is an under-utilized
utensil in the kitchen.

Well, I'm gonna take
this under-utilized tool,

and I'm gonna put it on
this over-utilized sausage.

(ALL LAUGHING)

What does that look like,
hanging like that, to you?

I don't know, but we
gonna cut it off today.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, my God!
Ryan's a hoot.

She is a hoot.
Yes.

She's a hoot!

What the fuck
is going on?

I'm still waiting
on my sausage.

Oh, wait, here,
have some of mine.

Gagging?
You gagging?

CARLA: Now that, my friends,
is the essence of cooking.

That was fucking amazing!

The crowd loved it,
Bethany loved it!

Were those your girls?
I thought there was
only three.

Who's the hottie
with the badunkadunk?

The junk in the trunk?

That can had its own
soundtrack. Am I right?
(VOCALIZING)

She's nobody.
I've never seen
her before.

Oh, crap. I gotta go get
her number because she was
amazing, she's worth it.

BOTH: No!

Okay, okay. Okay.

You know what?
It's better if it's
improvised, anyway.

Stewart,
there is a reporter out there
who is a big football fan.

Can I just borrow you
for a minute?

Ooh, so tense, real tight.

Come on, buddy,
loosen it up.

(SIGHS)

(VOICE BREAKING)
I am strong.

I am powerful,
I am beautiful.

I am strong.

Powerful...

I am beautiful.

I am... I am strong.

I am powerful.

I am beautiful.

I am strong,
I am powerful,

I am beautiful.
I am strong...

You good, Ry?

Yeah, I'm good.

All in a day's
work, right?

Thanks for having
my back up there.

(SCOFFS) Of course.

Ry, you can't keep
pretending that this
photo doesn't exist.

It's gonna get out there.

It's all fair game
in journalism.

Journalism?
Is that what this is?

Fine. You just keep
handling your business.

You been doing such
a great job thus far.

All right.

Fine.

What do you think
I should do?

Well, first of all,

let me find out if
anyone else has the photo.

And if not, let me leak it.

Are you crazy? No,
I am in the middle of a deal.

I cannot have pictures
of him kissing another
woman on your site.

No!
Hear me out.

If I leak it,
you can get in front of it.

Steer the conversation

instead of letting TMZ
write their own bullshit
spin on it.

You find the right angle,
you minimize the damage.

Okay, just let me
think about it.

All right? And let me talk
to a few people first.

Let me just run it by them.

Can you stall them
for a little bit longer?

I got you.

Thank you, Sasha.

Of course.

I got Muslim oils,
Christian oils!
I got poodle oils!

I got Muslim oils,
Christian oils!
I got poodle oils!

I got ball sprays.

Everybody got a drink,
I need a drink!

VENDOR:
Authentic hurricanes!
Two for $25!

Over here!
Here we go.
Here we go.

I got something for the kids!

Two for $25?
$25.

Baby, baby, baby!
Hey, hey, hey, beautiful!

Right here,
come on, baby!
Me?

Yeah, right here.

Bye, he call me beautiful.
I'm beautiful now, huh?

Ooh! Lord! Lord!

Hi!
Hey! Got to be careful.

Listen, I got a look,

I see you over there
chasing them hurricanes.

I got the best thing in
New Orleans right here.

What's that?

Look at that right there.

What the fuck is that?

Ooh! This is 200-year-old
wormwood absinthe.

Green Fairy.

I want it,
give it to me.

Hey, hey, hey! Calm down now!
You don't know what
you're getting into.

This stuff right here
come with instructions, okay?

Well, I don't give a fuck.
That shit is green, shiny,

and looks like it
will have me hella bent.
I want it!

Yes, but you're only
supposed to take a splash
of this, young lady,

because if you drink too
much of it, it's gonna
have you hallucinating.

All right,
that's cool with me.

Now, look, that whole
bottle will last you
for five years, all right?

Okay, five months,
got it.
No, no!

Did you hear
what I just said?

Five years.
You're not listening
to what I'm saying.

Okay, five days.

This will be used
very irresponsibly.
Thank you!

Young lady...
Sasha!

You about to be
a mental health patient
with a fat ass.

Oils, incense!
I got coochie spray!

(MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Ooh! Damn!

Oh, that's a good one.
(LAUGHS)

You know what?
You guys shouldn't be
in the grass.

You know you're
allergic to grass.

MISS MILLER: Left hand red.

Okay. I'm about to
go see a man sing.
Oh, have fun!

Hi, guys!

Hey, Auntie Ry-Ry!

Bye, guys!

I love you! (KISSES)

Bye, Mama!

Oh, they're so cute.

I miss them.

Mmm-hmm.
You know what?

Have you and
Stewart thought about
having a family?

I mean,

kids have a way
of bringing people
closer together.

They definitely have
a way of changing men.

Mmm. Yeah, made your husband
change his address!

(BOTH LAUGH)

(BOTH SIGH)

We've talked
about it, yeah.

I'm just so focused
on my career right now.

I get it,
but don't wait too long

because nobody's gonna
love you like your babies.

Hey! Is this
the Flossy Posse suite?

Yes, it is! Did you
guys get my succulent?

Who is you?

Oh, hi. Liz Davelli,
I'm Ryan's agent.

RYAN: Hey! Hi!
Hey!

Welcome! You made it.

Ah, I did! I did!

Oh, my lady, my queen!
Real quick.
(CHUCKLES) Yes?

Bethany wants to spend
a little one-on-one

with you and Stewart
at the Cjroc party.
Okay.

I know you're with
the F to the P.

But just give her
15 minutes.

Inspire her to add
a zero to the deal.

Of course, yes!

Hey, how about
we have a toast?

Ooh, are these hurricanes?

Fuck a hurricane, girl.
These are tsunamis!

Ooh! I'm scared!

To Friday night,
Flossy Posse style!

(ALL CHEERING)

For real, though! Mmm.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

(MUSIC DISTORTS)

Whoa.

(CHUCKLING)

(IN DISTORTED VOICE)
I feel funny.
Do y'all feel funny?

You feel funny?
I feel...

(IN DISTORTED VOICE)
I feel fine!

I feel so fine! Feel me.
Go on and feel me.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
You want me to feel you?

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Feel me, yeah...

(IN DISTORTED VOICE)
Ooh, yeah!

(CHUCKLING)
DINA: (LAUGHS) Yeah!

You feel squishy.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(IN DISTORTED VOICE)
Oh, shit!

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
We tripping.

We tripping.
We tripping?

(IN DISTORTED VOICE)
We tripping! (LAUGHS)

(IN SQUEAKY VOICE)
Wait a minute!
Hold up, stop!

(IN DISTORTED VOICE) You.

You put something in
them drinks, didn't you?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

(IN DISTORTED VOICE)
We gonna be fucked up!

Y'all, it's not funny.
If we tripping,

Ryan's tripping,
and she's with Bethany!

Oh, shit!

Yeah.
Ooh!

(MOANS) Ah!

I have to tell you
that I loved your
cooking demo today.

Yeah, the way
that you two play
off each other...

(STAMMERING)
It's so much fun.

So much fun.
Yeah!

(LAUGHS) Listen,
how about this?

Cheers to fun!

She's so funny!

Yeah! Cheers! Whoo!

Oh...

That's a terrible drink.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, man, I'm gonna have
that taken off the check.

Did you taste that?
The Verbena?

It's hot.

It burns.

Okay, look,
we gotta go save Ryan.

(GASPS)

AUSTIN: (ECHOING)
Mommy!

Did y'all hear that?

Oh, shit!

Austin?

Riley?

Your damn kids is here?

Oh, shit!
You coming to get me, God?

Those bitches left me.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

BOTH: Hey, Mommy!

Are you having fun?

I am having fun,
but you have to go to bed.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GASPS)

I'm ready for bed.

(CHUCKLES)

MAN: Sasha Franklin.

Sasha's Secrets.

I really, really
love your blog.

Mmm.

(LAUGHING)

Why won't it come off?

WOMAN: How may I help you?

What is she doing here?

She's here to take
your order.

Oh, yeah?

Oh!

What can I get you?

You can get your mouth
off my husband's dick!

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

Please?

LIZ: Oh, hey, hey.

Is that a drink?
I want one.

Um, actually, let's get
a round for the table,

and put it on my card.

Go! You got it!

Coming right up. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, you wanna smirk?

Oh, so you wanna
get fucked up?

And don't think I
don't see that "Suck Cock"
written on your shirt!

Did her shirt say
"Suck Cock"?

(SLURPING)

Buddy...

(BOTH MOANING)

Ooh, shit!
Don't choke her too hard.

There we go! Yeah!

Get in those!
Get in those! Yeah!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Ooh! Yeah! Yes!

Please, I wanna be rough
because you've been a bad boy!

Yeah! Yeah!

Bite it, bite it, bite it!

What the hell
are you doing?

Oh, shit!

What?
Hey!

We gotta save Ryan!

Yeah, but she's
so far away.

What are we gonna do?
Yeah.

We need Plan B.

What's Plan B?

MAN: Yeah, what's Plan B?

(GASPS)

What are you guys
doing here?

I'm not really sure
what's going on here.

(CHUCKLES)
My apologies, Bethany.

Ryan has been taking
some new allergy medicine,

and it's having
some side effects.

Psst.

Quiet as a cat.
Ryan, we gotta go right now.

The tsunami has hit.

I repeat,
the tsunami has hit.

Please excuse us.

Couch on my head...

My date will pay
the check.
Okay.

SASHA: You may settle up
with him.

Oh. Ooh.

RYAN: That is
a beautiful dress.
Is that a dress?

Bye!

RYAN: Come on, baby.

Please... Join us.

Liz Davelli.

Pretty hair.

I can't believe Bethany
just saw me like this.

We need to hide.

You know she won't
find you in there.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
(WOMEN CHEERING)

Oh, yeah.
Let's dance
this shit off.

'Cause I gotta
keep a low profile.

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

Mmm. It smells like Hennessy
and booty sweat up in here!

We done found our tribe.

Come on, bitches,
let's set it off.

Do that shit,
Dina. What!

SIMONE: Girl, look at
these old bitches.

Hey! Hold up,
hold up, hold up!

(JEERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Y'all, come on!

RYAN: All right!

Come on!
What you sayin'?

(SCREAMS)

That's real ass.

CROWD: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Bye.

LISA: Yeah, baby!

DINA: I slipped.
I think I pulled a big toe.

(LAUGHING)

That's all right.

RYAN:
Man, we owned that ho.
Owned that ho!

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

Not this.

You know what, I'm sure
everyone is expecting me
to beat your ass.

RYAN: Please beat her ass.

But I'm coming from
a place of love tonight.

And you have
a hallucinogenic drug
to thank for that.

But mine wore off.
So what's up?

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

Lisa! See that, bitch?

(ALL CLAMORING)

I said I got kids.

(GRUNTS)

DINA: Bitch,
I'm about to fuck you up!

(SCREAMING)

Here I come!

(SIRENS WAILING)

Cops! Cops!
Come on, it's the cops!

Sorry.

Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on here?

Officer, it was four women
in multicolored wigs

who started the whole thing.
But they're still in there.

So, please hurry!

Shit!

JULIAN: Ryan!

RYAN: Julian!

Flossy Posse
strikes again, huh?

Julian.
JULIAN: Good Lord!

(SIGHS)
How did you find us?

I have superpowers.

You must.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Or maybe, uh...

Maybe it was this
text you sent me.

RYAN: Julian,
we're lost in space!

DINA: I'm not...

(ALL LAUGHING)

DINA: You got me showing
my titties to Julian.

You all need to see
these Biggie Smalls...

Oh, my God!

I definitely do not
remember making that.

I think Dina was right
about her Biggie Smalls.

Burned in the brain.

DINA: Thanks, Julian.
That's what all the boys say.
(LAUGHS)

(JULIAN LAUGHS)

Julian, have you heard
of that record that goes,

"Bitch! Bitch! Motherfucker!
Motherfucker! Bitch!

"Bitch! Bitch!
Motherfucker! That's my shit!
That's my new shit!"

That's misogynistic.
We don't like it.

All right, ladies.
You have a great evening.

Ju-Ju.
Thank you, baby.

Sash, I got you, babe.
You know that.

Ooh!
Now, take it easy, Lis.

Yeah.
Take it easy.

Thank you, Julian.
You're welcome.

Thanks, bruh.
Thank you!

My girl.
My boy. All right.

Ry, you okay?

Oh, yeah. I'll just be
pouring my own drinks

for the rest of the weekend,
that's all.

That sounds like
a good plan.
Yeah, I think so. (LAUGHS)

Thanks for
everything, though.

Anytime. You know that.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Um...

All right, so...
(INHALES SHARPLY)

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.
(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Hmm?
Good night.

Oh, yes.
Yep.

Morning like, you know?

Yeah.

Ha!

Hey, look,
she had it comin'.

She was trippin'.

She was!
I'm just happy
Freaknik Lisa is back.

Hey.
Right?

Too bad all
that pent-up energy
is going to waste.

Mmm-hmm.

What was that, Sasha?

What was that
you were saying about
pent-up energy?

You texted him?
I did.

LISA: Never doubt.

Never doubt a boss.

(SINGING)

Because I slay

I slay, I slay, all day

All day, all day,
all day, I slay

Have a good evening, ladies.

RYAN: You, too.

Yes, hunty! Yes!

Just give in when he starts
smashing them organs up.

He's gonna knock
the cobwebs off that thing,
you understand me?

Oh, do you remember when
life was that simple?

All you wanted was
just to like a guy enough
to wanna give him some.

Mmm-hmm.
That's all we worried about.
That, and being broke.

Hmm. Those problems are
behind us, thank God.

For real.

(SIGHS)
I miss you, Sasha.
I really do.

I miss you, too.

We were gonna take
over the world together.

Yeah, we didn't quite get
around to that, did we?

I just hate seeing you
chasing that
celebrity bullshit.

You are so much
better than that.

I'm good.
I'm handling mine.

Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. No, I know.

You know, Ryan, you don't
have to keep pretending
like you have it all.

I know you wanna help people.
You always have,

but maybe you would help
them more if you just tell
them the truth.

That this shit is hard.

(SIGHS)

If I had your strength,
Sash, maybe I would. But...

I'm not that girl anymore.

DINA: Y'all heifers about
to kiss now, or what?

Jesus, get a room!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(LISA MOANING)

The beaver has
cut down the tree!

RYAN: Wow.
Yes!

About time.

She needed some.

DINA: All right, girl,
that's what I'm talkin' about!

What's she gonna do
with the grapefruit?

She about to
grapefruit him.

What is that?
You've never
grapefruited?

No, Dina.

Girl...
Dina...

Oh, Lord,
have mercy.

Oh, my God.

He is a monster
with it.

I ain't never use
two grapefruits,

but wait, let's listen,
let's listen, let's listen.

Five, four,

three, two, one!

(MALIK SCREAMING)

MALIK: Lisa!
LISA: Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry!

LISA: I'm gonna get the water.
The water will wash it out
real quick.

What'd she do?
Bite it off?

(MALIK SCREAMING)

I got grapefruit juice
in the peepee hole.
I need a first aid kit.

MALIK: Lisa! It burns!

Oh, my God, I think
I left it in my bag.

MALIK: My dick is on fire!

All I have is eye wash.
Oh, my God!

My dick is
on fire, Lisa!
Okay, just calm down.

I got some cooling cream.

I got some aloe.

Oh, my gosh!
I'm so sorry!
MALIK: Do something!

It was my first time!
You said
you were a nurse!

You said you were a nurse!
It was an experiment!

LISA: I wanted to try
something new!
Oh, my God.

MALIK: What happened
to a normal blowjob?
(SCREAMS)

Ooh, that's that
Shaka Zulu right there.

LISA: I got some aloe.
Girl...

MALIK: (SHOUTING)
What kind of freaky,
old-school shit is this?

(SCREAMING)

I'm working on it.
I will have it to you by
the end of the weekend.

And it's good. It's good.

I'm talking
about "Caitlyn Jenner
pregnant by Tiger" good.

Photos to come.

(SIGHS)

Sasha!
Let's go!

You don't need no man
right now or anything.

You two have built
an incredible brand.

We think that Ryan
and Stewart can
be to Best Mart

what Martha Stewart is
to K-Mart. But bigger.

Really?

Bottom line is that
you two give people hope.

That you can have it all.

And we want in.

That's fantastic.

LIZ: It is.

It is, but let's be honest.
It's, uh, all about the offer.

Holy shit!

(CLEARS THROAT)

I mean,
it's a very good start.

I'll convene with my team,
and we'll get back to you.

BETHANY: Sounds good.
Gentlemen?

Ryan?
Yes. Thank you, Bethany.

Stewart.
Thank you.

DINA: Thank you!
That's smart.

Get it, get it, get it!

ALL: Cheers!

Hey, Sasha, you think
your paparazzi guy would
sell the photo to me?

We could bury that shit
and just move forward?

Yeah. I mean,
I can find out. Why?
What's going on?

Well, ladies,
Stew and I talked today,

and I really think
our marriage is gonna
get back on track.

Oh!

So, you gonna take
that community penis back.

(CHUCKLES) Look, y'all,
men have egos.

His was deflated.
Retiring, it screwed him up.

And you know how men are.
Rudderless, needing a purpose.

All right.
Used, but not broken.

Well, cheers to that.

DINA: Cheers
to that part, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

(CROWD CHEERING)

DINA: Oh, look,
there goes Julian.

(WOMAN WHOOPING)
(CROWD CONTINUES CHEERING)

I see you, Julian.
I see you, boy.

(SINGING)

He is killing the bass.

I'm serious.
You were so good.

Well, thank you.

Like, I can't...
I can't even...

Stop it. Stop it.
I know, I can't believe it.

You know how far
you've come from when
you used to make

the slow jam mixtapes,
back in the day.

The J Slow Jam Mixtape.

J Slow Jam.

Those were legendary.

They were. I'm not
gonna front. They were.

Yes. I'm just, you know,
working on my craft.

Wow, I can tell.
Did you see those ladies?

They were going
crazy for you.
(CHUCKLES)

I can see why
you're not married.

Oh. Oh, so now you wanna
analyze me, Dr. Pierce?

Is that what we're doing?
No. I am serious, though.

No, be honest.
Come on, come on,
what is it you got?

Commitment issues?
Restless soul?
Oh, come on.

Look. Tortured artist...
Why do I gotta be tortured?

...who only has
time for his music?
No.

Or is it just too
much ass to pass up?

Truthfully?
Don't lie.

It's a whole lot
of ass out there.
(BOTH LAUGH)

No, no.
No, listen.

Just be honest. What is it?

I haven't found my equal yet.

If the right woman
came along,

I'm 100% in.

DINA: I mean...
Come on.

They don't
wanna hear you talk.
That's true.

(LAUGHTER)

Where you think you going?

To get your
ass kicked again?

I need to talk to Ryan.

That's not gonna happen.
Let's go.

How'd you know she
was here, anyway?

Fuck. I gotta get
a new line of work.

All right,
I'll deliver your
message. What's up?

I just found out.
I'm pregnant.

And before you
even insult me,
yes, it's Stewart's.

Does he know?

I told him,
and now this motherfucker

won't return any of
my calls or texts.

Aw. Let me go find
a tear to shed for you.

I don't need your shade, okay?
That's not why I came here.

Well, why did you come here?

Because I didn't make
this baby by myself.

Bottom line,

I need Stewart to call me back
within the next 24 hours,
or I will go public.

And I might be willing
to spill this tea
on your little site.

Give the exclusive
to Sasha's Secrets.

And I have pictures.
Nasty, freaky pictures, too.

Think it over.

(SIGHS)

What was that about?

RYAN: Oh, you can tell you
got a eye for sweet...

Listen, I got a eye
for it all. Trust me.
Yeah, you do.

Hey, what up, y'all?

What's wrong?

I tried everything.

I went to all
the top specialists.

I tried every
fertility treatment
on the market, and...

(CLICKS TONGUE) Nothing.

She gave him
what I couldn't.

Why didn't you tell us

that you were having
a problem getting pregnant?

Because I was
embarrassed.

I didn't want anyone to know.

Look what I did.

That's their baby.

I took a pug,
and I put that with Stewart,
and made this bitch baby.

And they can have that
little bitch ass baby.

It's gonna have
a big old booty,

and a ugly ass face,
just like his momma.

Look, and then I made
a variety of babies,

in case they decide to have
a litter of bitch babies.

Little Pound Puppies.

(CHUCKLING)

They gonna make
a ugly ass bitch baby.
You understand me?

I love you.

Look at that baby,
looks like it
licks its own ass.

That's how ugly
their baby is.

That one...

DINA: It's an ugly
ass baby, ain't it?

(RYAN CHUCKLING)
It's Stewart.

The hell?

STEWART: Ryan,

please, let me in.

DINA: What he want?

Let him in.

(SIGHS)

You a piece of shit.

We need to talk.

Alone.

There ain't nothin'
you need to say to her

that you can't
say in front of us.

Mmm-hmm.

It's okay. It's okay.

We'll wait for you
downstairs.

Here, take my stun gun.

Now, this button right here,
it raises the voltage of it.

As a matter of fact,
you know what, fuck it.

I'm gonna just leave
it on high, all right?

Just tag him
right in the balls
if he do something.

Both balls. Dick, too.

I spoke with Simone.

She agreed to sign an NDA

in exchange for
a monthly payment
for her and the baby.

I could

kill you.

I am so furious right now.

And you have
every right to be.

Do you even
love me anymore?

Of course I do.

I made a terrible mistake.

I know you can't trust me
as your husband anymore.

But you can trust
me as your partner.

This deal will
set us up for life.

But we can't do it apart.

Ryan without Stewart

doesn't have it all.

(EXHALES)

I just hope she kicked
his cheating ass out

and tagged his dick skin
until it fried like bacon.

Damn, Lis, I thought
you wanted them
to work it out.

Yeah, well, I changed
my mind as soon as I saw
his arrogant face,

so fuck him and that
disaster of a woman
he impregnated.

SASHA: Amen.
DINA: Mmm-hmm.

LISA: Unbelievable,
and she's been
up there too long.

What the hell's going on?

What in the...

Damn!
The fuck?

DINA: The fuck?

LISA: Why is she doing that?

(SIGHS)
Really, though?

What the fuck?
Damn!

Are you staying with him?

Stew figured out
a way to handle
the Simone situation,

so it's gonna be fine.

Oh, wait, no,
hold up. Stop. Wait.

So, he dickmatized
you that quick?

Dina, he's my husband.

He's not some guy
in a bathroom stall.

I'm not just gonna
throw everything away.

You know what,
Ry, I get it.

Because when I was
leaving Terrence,

I was terrified.
(PHONE RINGING)

I didn't think
I was gonna be able
to do it on my own.

But I've been
figuring it out.
You will, too.

I'll help you.

Lisa, that's sweet,
but I'm not like you.

You don't understand,
I can't live with my mother.

Well, what is wrong
with living
with your mother?

I love my mother.

You don't get it,
you all can't get it.

You're not in my world.
You don't live my life!

I can't just
walk away from that.

I give people hope,
I don't have a choice.
(PHONE RINGING)

Where's your hope?
This is you choosing,

and this choice
is diminishing you.

Diminishing me?

Says the woman who
chooses to talk shit about
people for a living?

Way to use that
journalism degree, Sash.

Look, I gotta pay bills,
and, for the record...
(PHONE RINGING)

I have multiple degrees.

Then use one of them.
How can you go and
tell me to use them?

All right!
Let's have a time-out.

Just a little breather,
and just take a moment.
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

RYAN: Yes, hello!

They trippin'.
LIZ: (ON PHONE)
Ryan, have you seen it?

RYAN: What?
Oh, shit!

LIZ: Fucking Simone!
Is that that bitch
from the demo?

Wait.
LIZ: Have you been
on the Internet?

It's a disaster!
It's just a shitshow.

All right.
But I'm gonna fix it.

Oh, hell no.

RYAN: You!

Conniving! You are sneaky!
How could you do that?

You think I did this?

I didn't do this!
Simone must have!

Simone, who you
were huddled up,
talking to in the corner?

Huh? That Simone?

Wait, what did you do?

Did you sell it
to another site
to cover your tracks?

Are you serious?
'Cause, you know what,
I know you're broke!

I see you hiding
your tags in your shirt.

We all see it.
I'm not stupid!

Yeah.
Yeah, it happens.

You know,
I shop at Goodwill.

You know, Nordstrom
do take stuff back,

that's what's so
cool about Nordstrom.

Congratulations, Sash.
You know what, I really
hope it was worth it.

You know what? Hey! Hey!

The fucking thought
did cross my mind.

But I would never
play you out like that
for some money.

The problem is
you never valued

our friendship
as much as I did.

How could you say that?

You are like a sister to me!
I have always treated you...

This how you treat a sister?
I quit my job at The Times

to get our website
off the ground.
I hired a designer!

And what did you do?
What'd you do, sis?

You left me high and dry!

Because you thought
that you could get more
success with Stewart!

Why you think I'm doing
this bullshit
gossip blog anyway?

And not once
did you apologize!

If you would've told me no,
I wouldn't have done it!

You should've spoken up!

How the fuck do I
compete with pillow talk?

Dickmatized,
just like she said.

Well, you could
have said no, though.

Dina, nobody asked you!

Sasha, just listen
to Ryan for a second.

She's just
trying to explain!
Stop it! Stop it!

I should know
better than to expect

y'all two to
have my back anyway.

See, I know how it
works in this circle,
we got the Queen Bee,

and we got her two
little worker bees.

Worker bee?
Bitch, who you talking
about a worker bee?

I'm my own bee!

You take that shit back!

Take that shit back!
I'm not taking it back!

All right, stop!
Just everybody
take a time-out!

Pull it back! Time-out!

Why don't you
shut the fuck up,

and stop talking to us like
we one of your kids?

Wait a minute.
You better pause,

and stop acting
like one of my kids!
How about that?

Put some clothes on.
How could you do it?

Stop getting
trashed every night,

and fucking random
dick every week!

You just got some random dick,
and your ass got real loose!

And let me tell
you something, bitch!

Just because he
got a big dick,

don't make him a grown man
with your pedophile ass!

You know what? Have it!

I don't even know why
I'm here with yo' ass!

You need to change
that stank ass
attitude of yours,

or your ass gonna
end up with the clap!

Bitch, please!
Clap, been there,
done that, had that!

Excuse me!

And I'm immune
to the shit!

Bitch, I'll clap
your ass up out of here!

Fuck you, Lisa!

And fuck both
of y'all, too!

With your raggedy fake asses!
Both of y'all bitches is fake!

You don't even
know a real friend
when you see one!

You know what?
You know what? Here!

Give Lisa back her
raggedy-ass phone!

Wait, hold up,
hold up! Here!

Because I don't
need you calling

the police on me,
take your card!

And, yes, I maxed
that motherfucker out with
your low-ass balance!

Stupid-ass!
And I don't need you
talking shit or calling me.

Here! Take your
driver's license, so
you can get on the plane

with your nasty-ass,
dirty-ass,
nasty-ass husband

that fuck Instagram bitches!

You're gonna mess around
and get the clap, bitch!

I can't believe
you motherfuckers!

So, I'm gonna fuck me
a motherfucking celebrity!

Stupid-ass bitches,
I hate y'all!

And I love you,
but I hate you, bitch!

Are you happy, Sash?

Hmm?

You have ruined my life

and 20 years of friendship.

You know what?
Fuck all of y'all!

I know I've done a few
foul things in my life,
but I would never do that.

I did not do this.

My friends would know that.

Fucking real friends.

(SIGHS)

Bombshell, folks.
It looks like
America's favorite couple

has got a third party
wedging her way
into their house of love.

This recent
picture has emerged

of Ryan Pierce's husband,
Stewart,

getting cozy with
an Instagram model

by the name of Simone,
no last name given.

You know,
this is a tough situation

even for renowned
relationship expert Ryan.

If I will it,
I can have it all.

Let's hope for the best
for this stunning couple.

(SIGHS)

DINA: Can I get
a refill, please?

Hey.
Hey.

Look, I'm really sorry
for what I said.

I did not mean any of it.

I know y'all keep
me around for laughs,

but I love you heifers.

I would die for
every last one of you.

I know you would.

And you know what?
You are one of
the most loyal,

fiercest, most honest
friend we have.

We are so lucky to have you.

You're right.

Y'all very lucky.

Very, very lucky.

Very lucky.

I love you.
I love you, too.

Oh!

For years now,
I've been posting

unflattering photos
and headlines

about anyone who would
get more hits to my site.

I did this without
regard for their privacy,

their dignity,
or their humanity.

(CROWD CHEERING)

MAN: Ryan!

SASHA: But when someone
close to you gets hurt,

it forces you to realize
that these are
not just photos,

they're not just words.

They affect real people
with real feelings
that feel real pain,

just like everybody else.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

And the fact that
those closest to me
would question my character

has led me to
the decision that

I no longer want to
be part of a process

that tears people
down for profit.

LIZ: The photo is
doctored. You refused
to give an interview,

they became vindictive...

SASHA: So from this moment on,
Sasha's Secrets is no more.
(PHONES CHIMING)

I am strong,
I am powerful,
I'm beautiful...

SASHA: This will
be my final post.

I am strong, I'm powerful,
I'm beautiful...
(PHONE CHIMES)

SASHA: And to anyone out
there who I've hurt...

I truly am sorry.

So, you're just
gonna drop the mic

on the blog,
and bounce like that?

Thought it'd be
best that way.

Sasha, how could you
ever think that?

Look, I know it may
be hard to believe,
but I didn't do it.

Simone hired her
own photographer

to take them pictures
and sell them to TMZ.

And you don't think
we don't know that?
Come on.

But you wasn't
acting like it.

Look, I just want things
to be the way they were.

Shit! Bitch, we all do.

Yep.

Find me a time machine
where we can

go back to living
in a dorm together,

eating Top Ramen,
drinking Mad Dog 20/20,
and I am there.

But we're some
grown-ass women now,
and we got shit to do.

So, buckle up, bitch,
'cause we ain't
lettin' you go.

You comin' with us.
You ain't going nowhere.

Come on.

SASHA: Yo, Ryan's speech
is supposed to start
in 20 minutes.

We're not gonna make it.

Oh, yes, we are.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

Let's go. We're gonna
hoof this one.

Why?
Let's do this.

Dina, come on. Come on!
Come on!

I don't wanna be
running in this heat.

Dina, come on.
Come on.

Come on, we gotta make it.

Quit whining.
Come on.

DINA: This ain't
no Woman's March.
I don't wanna be walking.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, Hall of Fame
candidate, Stewart Pierce.

(CROWD CHEERING)

STEWART: Thank you!

Thank you! Hello, Essence!

All right.

How much further?
Shit! My bunion
is killing me.

We old as fuck!

Oh, I ain't old.
I'm just tired as hell.

Oh, look, man bun!

Wait! Hey, wait!
Man bun!

It is my honor and privilege

to introduce this year's
Essence keynote speaker.

Please welcome my rock.

You got this, Ryan.

The woman I am proud
to call my wife,

Ryan Pierce.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey, baby.
Knock 'em dead.

Oh, wow. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you. Thank you.

LISA: You make a right,
right here. No,
actually, make a left.

Oh, my goodness. Please
watch out for that car.

Jesus! That bump!

Sir, faster, faster, faster!
We need to get there.

Ooh. Yes, yes!

Oh, slow down, baby.
Slow down, baby.

Oh, you know what!
Come on, girl!

DINA: Yeah!
You must be a butcher.
You got them meats.

Thank you, boo.
Thank you.

Now, you call me, okay?
You call me.

Let's go.

I might be pregnant right now.
Okay, let's get running.

As most of you know,

there have been many
questions about the
status of my marriage.

And I would like to
put those rumors to rest.

The picture that
surfaced this morning
isn't real.

All allegations of
infidelity are false.

My husband and I remain
in a loving,
faithful marriage.

In fact...

Yes! Thank you!

DINA: Step back, fool!

SASHA: Dina,
I don't know what...

LISA: Oh, God.

Um...

Go ahead, Ryan.

Don't mind us.

Um, in fact,

our marriage

is stronger than ever.

Come on, Ry.

(APPLAUSE)

(STUTTERS) The foundation...

The foundation of...

I'm sorry. Um...

My agent wrote a very
convincing statement
for me to read to you.

No! No! No!

And I really thought
that I could go
through with it.

Because I have done such

a great job of pretending
so many times before.

But

there are some people,

when you see them,

you just can't
pretend anymore.

Because they know you.

The real you.

And maybe that's why
you avoided seeing them

for so long.

I'm sorry.

Uh...

I'm not perfect.

I do not have it all.

In fact, my life is
all kinds of screwed up.

All right, maybe
we should take...
Sit your ass down!

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Now!

Yes! That part!

Finally!

LISA: Yeah, finally!

The picture is real.

My husband is
having an affair.

When I first found out, I...

Well, I felt a lot of things.

Betrayal, anger, heartache.

But mostly, fear.

Fear that my
marriage was ending,
and that I would be alone.

And I was terrified of that.

So terrified that

I was willing to stay
with someone who
betrayed my trust.

So terrified that

I was willing to
accept being treated
as less than I am.

And I know I'm
not alone in this.

I know that there are
a lot of us who stay
in bad relationships

because we have
convinced ourselves

that being
disrespected is better
than being alone.

But we shouldn't
fear being alone.

Because there is power
in rediscovering
your own voice.

And I had forgotten that.

I forgot that years before
I was Stewart's wife,

I was Ryan.

A girl with her own ambitions
and her own dreams.

But luckily,

my girls...

My girls

reminded me of that.

Flossy Posse.

They reminded me
of my own worth.

Damn right.
DINA: Yep.

And that there was a time
that I didn't fear anything.

No one has the power
to shatter your dreams

unless you give it to them.

And I refuse to give
anyone that power again.

If anything,

I hope that me
revealing my truth

inspires you to
realize your own.

Thank you for listening.

We love you, Ry!

SASHA: We love you, Ryan!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

Flossy Posse!

WOMAN: We love you, girl!

(EXHALES) Okay.

(SOBS AND CLEARS THROAT)

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean any of
what I said earlier.
I was just so...

It's okay.

It's okay.
You were so wonderful
up there, so brave.

That was amazing.

We love you.
None of that matters.

I love you too, Lis.

You my bitch for life!
(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

I'm proud of you, boo.

Ryan...

I would never hurt you.

You have to believe me.
I know.

I know.

Hug it out!

LISA: Hug it out!
DINA: Yeah!

LISA: Flossy Posse!
Flossy Posse!

You were so good up there.

And look what
I brought you

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Yes. Come on, come on.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

LISA: Look at that.

Flossy Posse...

Back in the house!

ALL: Flossy Posse,
back in the house!

Flossy Posse,
back in the house!

Flossy Posse,
back in the house!

Liz...
Wait.

There's something
I need to tell you.

It's Bethany, she...
(EXHALES)

Oh, God, not this shit again.

Speak, woman.

She still wants
to do the deal!

Yes!

What?

But with just you.

LISA: Yes!
Even better.
Even better!

It turns out,
single women are an even
bigger market. Hello?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I'll do it.

I just have one condition.

Hmm. Huh? What?

Sasha, I want you
to be my partner.
(GASPS)

Are you serious?

I'm so serious.

SASHA: Don't play with me.

I'm serious as
a heart attack.

Yes, I'll be your partner!

Yes!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

RYAN: Yes!

Bring it in!

We gonna be rich!
We gonna be rich!

Let's go!

MARIAH: Come on, ladies.

(SINGING)

RYAN: Every group of friends
has that one experience

that no matter where
you are, you carry it
with you for life.

We're a little older,
a little wiser,

and we're still the baddest
chicks in the game.

(BEAT-BOXING)

RYAN: I don't know what
the future will bring.

Is hip-hop in
the building or what?

RYAN: Love or heartbreak,
joy or pain,

but right now, it's bright.

And the one thing
I know for sure is
my girls will be there.

No matter who else
steps in the picture,

my girls are my constant.

They give me
the permission to be who I am.

And I am going to be me.

We're going to be us.

Loving, laughing,

worthy,

magical

us.

The Flossy Posse is back!

DINA: You took a picture
of it? Girl, let us see it.

That is a
beautiful penis.

I smashed
all over that thing.

(LAUGHS)

I just wanna make
that my wallpaper.

And not on my phone.
(LAUGHS)

I wanna be a fly
on that wallpaper.

(ALL LAUGHING)