Original subtitles

I am not ready for this.

Yeah, you are.

Besides, you got to be.

Dr. Ray's still on leave from the concussion.

We're all tapped out.

I got a multiple in Northtown.

Call me if you need anything, okay?

♪ ♪

Damn it, Derrick, you're screwing up my one-to-ones.

Sorry.

This stuff is giving me the desire for pancakes.

Yeah, me, too.

Kids.

Okay, crime cadets, this is serious crime-fighting business,

so... back to being dead, please.

Excuse me, CSI Hodges?

Yes.

CSI Hodges,

th-that's me. Katy Cypress.

Nice to meet you.

Look, I know

that this is just a program for wannabe CSIs.

And this exercise does test

observational and evidence-collection skills.

Yes. Is it at least based

on a real case?

No.

This is just brute-force rote work.

I couldn't agree with you more.

The real fun

is nailing bad guys.

And that's about interpreting the evidence

and solving a real mystery.

That's what... you do, and that's what I want to do.

Okay.

I'll tell you what.

Let's finish up here, and then you

grab a couple of your cadet buddies

and meet me at the crime lab

for a real challenge...

If you're up to it.

Oh, I am up to it.

Guillermo.

He'd love to do it.

He has no life.

I collect spores, molds and fungi.

You, too, Derrick... It'll be fun.

Grab a seat.

Are we waiting on Derrick?

Uh, no. He's not coming.

He has

video game issues.

Ah. These files

are from a case we investigated four months ago.

You said you wanted to match wits with real CSIs.

Now's your chance.

Among the many consequences

of a construction boom are structures

that are thrown together with little regard

for building codes.

The fire department responded quickly.

But even so, the lower three levels

of this apartment building were almost completely consumed.

The firemen... or, as we like to call them,

the "Evidence Eradication Crew"...

Got the blaze under control.

But they were utterly unprepared

for the astonishing sight

waiting there to greet them.

Oh, boy, do I remember that one.

It was an incredible case.

I mean, like, you would never even believe it was possible

unless you saw the evidence yourself.

Yeah, which is why I was about to show it to them.

Oh.

Hey. I'm Wendy.

And you are...?

Crime cadets.

Guillermo.

Could we see the body

already, please?

Yeah. Okay.

Hey.

I tell it better than you.

Trust me, you guys

are really going to enjoy this.

What used to be the parking garage

was filled with the contents of a dozen apartments,

everything charred

virtually beyond recognition...

with one incredible exception.

The CSIs had never seen anything like it.

I've never seen anything like it.

There's barely a mark on her.

Given the amount of available fuel consumed by this fire,

I'd say we should be looking

at a pile of roasted flesh and bone.

The body must have been put here after the fire was extinguished.

There were a dozen cops

and two dozen firefighters on the scene.

The likelihood of anyone carrying a body into this

and getting out unseen is... slim to none.

That's when I said...

It's as if... the fire refused to touch her.

Excuse me? And then Wendy said...

The question is,

is it miracle or murder?

Uh, please familiarize yourself with this evidence report.

That's what you're doing? You're lying to children.

It's a teaching exercise.

It's an exercise in self-love.

Just play along and be a role model, please?

Uh, no. Why would I play along with you?

Because if you can't even imagine yourself

out in the field, how will you ever expect Ecklie to?

Okay, so there we were.

The question is, is it miracle...

or murder?

Either way, she tried as best as she could to survive.

Sounds like something I would say.

♪ Who... are you? ♪

♪ Who, who, who, who? ♪

♪ Who... are you? ♪

♪ Who, who, who, who? ♪

♪ I really wanna know ♪

♪ Who... are you? ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ Who... ♪

♪ Come on, tell me who are you, you, you ♪

♪ Are you! ♪

You look like you've dropped

a few pounds there, Barclay.

You been working out or something?

Yeah, new diet.

No more donuts or sugary snacks, just-just pure protein.

All beef, all day.

Trading the diabetes for a heart attack.

Good call.

Yeah, what's up, Catherine?

I'm in Mega-Lo-Mattress hell.

Found another DB in a quilt. I'll be here a while.

Oh, that's okay... I just wrapped up my 419.

I'll hold down the f...

Nicky?

Oh, my God!

Nicky? You there?

Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

Yeah, it looks like I'm going to be tied up

for a little while longer here, Catherine.

Need paramedics and HazMat down to the squad.

Okay, I see it.

The concrete around the furnace is pitted and chipped,

most likely from rapid thermal expansion.

It's called spalling.

Now, take a look at the vent pipes.

What do they tell you?

They're rusty.

And since fire is essentially

a rapid oxidation reaction...

It means the furnace

is most likely where the fire started.

Very good. This has got to be arson.

What makes you say that?

Most fires are either started

because of insurance fraud or to cover up evidence of a crime.

And that certainly is a crime.

Were all the tenants

accounted for?

And were any able to identify the victim?

Good questions...

for a detective.

So, all the tenants have been accounted for.

I showed her picture around, but, uh,

no one recognized her.

Or so they say.

Thanks, Captain. We'll, uh, let you know

what we come up with.

That's great.

You know what? Nobody gives a damn

about life or death.

That's the truth.

So, why should I? Why should you?

Do you know what the best thing to do is?

Is to just to go home...

and cuddle up with someone you love...

and just...

forget...

just forget about all this-this...

madness.

But that would let them all off the hook, wouldn't it?

So, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go home, I'm going to get painted up,

put on some Kevlar,

go on a five-state shooting spree

and take out these scumbags one at a time. Screw 'em.

And then let

copper-jacketed justice

take its sweet release.

Ooh, ouch.

What?

What?!

What the heck? No.

No, I'm not going to do that, all right?

No, I choose life.

Keep me apprised.

FYI, the alcoholism rate among police officers

is double the national average.

Suicide rate's triple.

Really?

Hey, uh, wait a second.

That tub... where is it from?

It's, uh, from

apartment 2B, second floor.

Whose tenant just happened

to be out of town right before the fire.

Does he have a record?

No, but he wasn't exactly a model citizen, either.

He'd had run-ins with the landlord before

over illegal sublets.

Okay.

Check this out.

Off-the-books sublet girl was in the tub

when the fire breaks out.

She dies of carbon monoxide poisoning,

leaving no marks on the body.

She was still in the tub

when the flames torched the floor

and it all came tumbling down.

So, the bath oil on her skin acts like a shield

long enough to protect her from the flames

until she is discovered.

That's not a bad theory.

And for a while, it was our theory.

It was also the wrong theory.

Most essential oils in bath gels have a flash point

of under 250 degrees.

With a fire that hot,

it would've actually drawn the flames to her,

not protect her.

All right.

Well, since we know it's arson, if we identify the victim,

it could lead us to the arsonist.

Yeah.

What'd you get from Autopsy?

For that, you'll need a coroner.

And, uh, luckily, I happen to know where we

can find one.

Take five.

Hey, Hodges. Oh, hey, Henry.

Yes?

Remember that time you said

that thing about your having a higher commitment

to the lab and the pursuit of justice?

Yeah, I've probably said that more than once.

Yeah, you have. For the record,

I find it admirable, and Wendy does, too.

She does? Yeah.

We were chatting about it last weekend at the blood bank.

We donate together.

Oh.

No, B-positive.

Actually, Wendy and I have a lot in common.

We dabble in calligraphy, we're both passionate

about French neoclassical architecture,

and we are both allergic to eggplant.

Look, I was just thinking that I should ask her out

on a date, and I assume that you'd be cool with that,

due to your admirable commitment to the lab.

So, are you cool with that?

Totally. Great.

Great. Yes.

See, that is awesome.

Thank you. You're a man of principle.

Uh, Wendy.

- Hey. - Hello.

What's up? Good. How are you? Hi.

Um, I was wondering if you want to

go out to eat tonight after work.

Yeah. Yeah? Okay.

All right, yeah, I'm just gonna...

Attention, all personnel,

quarantine is still in effect until further notice.

Continue to observe all class-four protocol.

No anthrax, no ricin, no botulinum.

And no plague and no tularemia.

We're good, people.

Area's clear.

Well, if it's not in the air or a contact toxin,

it has to be something they ate or drank.

Wouldn't be the first time a bunch of cops

cheaped out on a dinner and ended up

spewing out of both ends.

You're a CSI.

It's not your problem.

I think I'm making it mine tonight.

Have you encountered

any cases recently with similar symptoms?

Projectile vomit, sweats, diarrhea?

I mean, it could be almost anything.

You know,

there's a lot of stuff going around.

This town is a petri dish.

Hey, Jenkins.

How you doing?

I will get out of here

in a second to let you get back to sleep,

but I need you to tell me everything you had to eat

or drink today.

Uh, nurse?

Hey, kids, you know, a lot of people believe

that all a coroner does is determine

cause, manner and time of death.

And in a case like this,

there is so much more to discover.

All you have to do is look.

Her prints weren't in the system.

And no bodies matching her description

were in missing persons.

The condition of her...

area is consistent with recent sexual activity.

But her wet mount came back negative

for, uh...

Semen?

Thank you.

I believe this woman had safe sex

- before she died. - Could we get

to the C.O.D., please?

Not so fast.

You'll miss it.

The victim had

very poor dental hygiene:

plaque with numerous cavities, crowns made of white gold,

a substance not commonly used in the United States,

all of which led me to conclude that the victim was Russian...

Russian or Eastern European.

Obviously.

This is, uh, Vokovushka,

the Russian Mighty Mouse.

Perhaps she was a tourist?

What are these glossy patches on her skin?

I-I don't know.

I sent samples to Trace.

Talk to Trace.

Actually, Trace loves to talk.

I'd suggest carving out

a couple hours and taking snacks.

C.O.D.?

Right.

There's no soot in the trachea.

Lung tissue color is normal.

There's no sign of carbon monoxide pink at all.

Meow.

Hello. Morgue.

Of course. I'm always ready.

Right.

All right, the CSIs are on their way down.

She didn't inhale smoke.

Give me your notes. Give me your notes.

Get out!

You see, tox revealed a BAC

of .30 with several benzodiazepine sedatives,

along with zolpidem in her system.

Now, while individual levels were sublethal...

The combination was...

Deadly. That's right.

C.O.D. was multiple drug overdose.

The victim was dead before the fire.

I was about to say that.

Too bad I said it first.

Here you go.

Now, we're starting off small.

This is only the stuff from the desks

of the officers who actually got sick.

This is starting small?

Yep.

And you better get the GCMS fired up, boss.

Greg's bringing in vomit, blood and fecals.

Get it going.

In an arson investigation,

after you find the area of origin,

the next thing you look for is any sort

of incendiary device, faulty wiring,

flammable fluid... Basically any ignition source

in the general vicinity.

Hey, Wendy.

Come take a look at this.

It's a natural gas line.

It's uncapped.

There's no tarnish on these tool marks.

This was done recently.

Yeah.

Did you find the gas cap at the scene?

Hodges. Hmm?

Uh, no.

And we sifted through a ton of char.

I'm sure you're still

finding soot in places you don't want to talk about.

Well, no gas cap means no accident.

That proves that, uh, we're right about arson.

So it would seem.

We removed a section of the pipe

to preserve the tool marks.

But what we didn't know

was that this crime scene...

It very well could have been our last.

No!

Shortly thereafter, the city declared the building

structurally unsound, and...

that was the last time CSI was allowed in.

He saved my life.

He saved the evidence, too.

You got to be kidding me.

What do you mean, the GCMS run isn't done yet?

It was supposed to be done an hour ago.

I don't know what's going on.

Well, I have a bunch of sick cops

who need answers, and if you have

to pull another shift to get it done,

you're going to have to.

Let me look at this.

Henry,

the run cycle's been altered.

You set it to perform a cleaning

and test cycle after each sample.

No, I didn't set it like that. I swear.

Well, maybe a power interruption could have reset it

to a default.

There you go.

Problem solved.

You lucked out.

Yeah.

The uncapped gas line was the fuel.

What else do you need

to make a fire?

A spark.

That's right.

And I've got a whole box full of sparks right over here.

Take a look.

According to this maintenance record,

this breaker box was serviced the same day as the fire.

And it looks like the same company

- maintains the gas lines. - They do.

The police questioned the maintenance man,

but the CSIs found this in his van.

The pipe cap?

The arsonist kept evidence of the crime on him?

Serial killers often keep souvenirs.

The maintenance man told the cops that he had gone

to the apartment building to service the gas line

and removed the cap, which had become corroded.

But when he returned to his van

to find a replacement, he found he didn't have one,

so he left.

He left the gas line uncapped?

He said he forgot.

He thought he closed the gas line completely, but he

must have left a slow leak, which he didn't notice

because he was losing his sense of smell...

Or so he claimed.

His medical records confirmed that.

So, natural gas

gradually filled the room...

Until there was enough,

so that when the furnace clicked on...

Whoosh.

Indeed.

It was an accident.

Which means that it wasn't set

to destroy the victim's body.

Our theory was completely wrong.

You said you wanted a challenge.

Wendy!

Hey. Hi.

Uh, I got great news.

I had to call in a couple of favors, but I got us

a reservation at the Eiffel Tower Restaurant.

It's, like, the best view in Vegas.

Wow.

- That's cool, right? - It-It's, uh...

a little more fancy-pants

than the cop diner that I'd been picturing.

No. I, um... I was going

to surprise you, but then I thought, you know,

the gentlemanly thing to do

would be to let you know, so you could dress

appropriately for the occasion.

I'm going to go home on my lunch break and get my suit.

You're wearing a suit?

Ce sera parfaît.

It means, "It will be perfect."

Um... oui.

According to Henry, there were no drugs,

poisons or toxins in any

of the food or drink samples I collected.

We'll just have to test

every consumable in the station.

It's shigella.

Positive? I called in a favor

at the hospital's microbio lab.

We just did cultures on each of the sick unis.

They all have it.

Okay, well, shigella is food-borne.

It typically vectors through unsanitary handling practices.

Yeah, but something doesn't make sense.

According to what the unis told me

between pukes, none of them ate any of the same things today,

so how did they all come down

with the same bacterial infection?

I might be able to answer that. I'll call you back.

Hey, Nick. What's up?

Hold out your hands, Metcalf.

And, uh, don't touch me, please.

So, basically, we have an accidental fire

and a victim whose body

managed to remain unburned in it.

These patches on her skin...

Did you guys get anything useful from Trace?

You always get something from Trace.

CSI Hodges. Trace Tech Langston.

What do you have for me?

The question, CSI Hodges, is: what don't I have for you?

I used, uh, polarized light microscopy

to identify the glossy patches on your victim's skin.

And, uh,

not to sound too corny,

but I think you'll find the results...

a-maize-ing.

Starch molecules.

Vaporized cornstarch, to be precise.

Did you know the word "cornstarch" is derived

from the Middle English "sterchen"

meaning "to stiffen," which is apropos

to the condition of your vic.

Langston, the way that your rapier wit

envelopes critical information is just so...

Thrilling?

That's exactly what I was going to say.

Now, you say you derived these results

from a simple polarized light test?

Uh, lesser men would have resorted to using the GCMS.

Why use a sledgehammer to kill a fly?

I bow to the master. Nonsense.

"You are great. I am great."

M-5.

The Ultimate Computer.

Star Trek, the original series.

Is there any other?

It's like you're inside my head.

That Trace tech sounds kind of...

Brilliant? Obsequious.

Misunderstood.

You look concerned.

I am.

How does somebody get coated in vaporized cornstarch?

Body powder?

It's a health-conscious alternative to talc.

I doubt that powder would be thick enough to account for...

Peanuts.

Cornstarch peanuts.

Packing material.

She was killed and packed in the box with the peanuts.

The cardboard and the cornstarch acted as insulation,

to protect the body from the flames.

Until the firemen arrived,

blasting everything with their hoses,

which separated her from

whatever remained of the box.

Congratulations.

You have just matched wits with the CSIs.

- Nicely done. - Hmm.

Okay, so what's next?

Based on what we have here, nothing.

That's as far we got.

But we never I.D.'d the body.

Or the killer.

Neither did we.

What?

- That sucks. - Yes.

But what doesn't suck is that yesterday,

the city declared the building structurally sound.

So, after you have your parents fax me

their written permission indemnifying the crime lab

for any injuries you may sustain,

we're going on a field trip.

So, my suit's done, then?

Great. No, I'm on my way.

You didn't crease the pants, though, did you, Mom?

'Cause there is nothing worse than...

Huh?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I'll call you back.

No, no, no, no.

Not today.

What?

Ow.

Ah! No!

Car trouble?

Yeah, no kidding.

This ruins my whole lunch break,

and I had things to do.

You know, Henry, maybe you should stay out

of parking garages.

Bad things seem to happen to you there.

♪ Running down the avenue ♪

♪ See how the sun shines brightly ♪

♪ In the city on the streets where once was pity ♪

♪ Mr. Blue Sky is living here today. ♪

Henry?

Hmm?

I don't mind taking time out of my day

to check out your radiator hose,

'cause, clearly, it means a lot to you,

but you need to back off. You are ripe.

Sorry.

My car's been spending a lot of time in the shop.

I just wanted to know what's wrong

before I take it in again.

Well...

tell you one thing...

This is not defective.

These holes are straight and uniform,

which suggests they

were mechanically introduced from the outside in.

Somebody poked my hose.

Sorry.

Sure, yeah, you could have a shady mechanic,

but as far as car sabotage goes, this is amateur hour.

I mean, you really want to do some damage,

you pop out a spark plug

and throw rocks into the cylinder.

Radiator hose... Third grade stuff.

You been pissing off a lot of third graders lately?

Hodges!

You know, when you told me to join you for some fun,

I really didn't realize it was going to be

as wonderful as this.

As your humble tech, I would like to thank you very much

for entrusting me with such an important job.

Listen, just remember to label all bindled evidence.

Chain of custody is not just

a suggestion, you know.

Don't push it, Hodges.

Okay. All right.

Hey.

Did I miss anything?

Thanks for texting me, K.

Sure, I mean, the team isn't the same without...

Oh!

Okay.

Oh. Yes.

Fire scenes always smell this bad?

Yes.

Just let me know if you find anything

that matches the burn pattern that we found earlier.

Why do you feel compelled to lie to us?

About what, exactly?

You don't have to be

a real CSI to know that you and Hodges are not.

I suspect Hodges is a Trace tech,

because I doubt any real CSI would wax so rhapsodic

about that particular specialty.

And, clearly, that man does not relish being outdoors.

That, and the fact

that you two obviously spend

an inordinate amount of time with each other,

would suggest that you're most likely a lab tech, too.

I'm DNA.

So, why lie?

I guess I'm afraid that maybe I'm going

to wake up one morning and I'm going to think

that I spent most of life fighting crime in a test tube.

Just because something is the size of a molecule

doesn't mean that it can't be filled with intrigue

and excitement.

CSIs gather the evidence,

but analysis is really what gives it meaning.

You need both to find the truth.

Found some crispy-ass denim.

They look like men's jeans.

Quarter and two pennies.

Dinner's on me.

Dead girl's a blonde, right?

That's her. "Stacia Borsala."

Hungarian passport.

Looks like I've got what's left

of a blister pack of... "zolpidem."

This is so warped, I doubt I'm going to get any prints

off of it.

The victim had zolpidem in her system.

We did it.

We I.D.'d the vic.

I'm sorry... who?

In your face, CSIs.

Techs and crime cadets, we rule.

Hello.

Metcalf doesn't have shigella on his hands.

Well, that's surprising.

A bit of a relief, actually.

Yeah, but get this.

The bacteria that infected the squad room

turns out to be the same strain that closed down

a day care center in Summerlin last week.

Hold on.

A day care center, huh?

Yep, half a dozen preschoolers.

Must have been quite a mess.

I don't think that's a coincidence.

The stuff that got them sick came

from your pastry box.

What's the deal, bud? Hmm?

You get tired of the guys in the station

stealing your food, so you thought

you'd lace a few of your goodies with some shigella,

teach them a lesson? No.

Yes, the guys steal my food,

although those lowlifes would never admit it.

But, look, I would never...

Wh-What's shi-wha?

Shigella... it's a bacteria, man.

Come on, now. Don't make this any harder on yourself.

What'd you do? Did you get

the sample from your kid's day care center?

I don't know where the pastries came from, all right?

I stopped eating sugary snacks, remember?

Oh, and th-this isn't my kid's.

It's my-my-my girlfriend's kid.

My-my-my ex-girlfriend. We just broke up.

But I-I got nothing against the kid, you know,

and it's-it's a good drawing. He's-he's talented.

Was it a nasty breakup?

Is there a pretty kind?

Where can I find her?

So, in revenge for breaking up with you,

you decide to give Sergeant Barclay

some delicious, homemade baked goods

tainted with your child's shigella.

What did you do, save a diarrhea diaper

and lace some in with the icing?

No. Well, what you didn't know

was that Sarge had just gone on a little post-breakup diet.

Too bad for the cops who stole his food.

Your prints were on it.

It was a gift.

I left it for Barky as a peace offering.

Without telling him? The worst

you can do is have me reprimanded for bad hygiene.

You can't prove malicious intent.

That will be up to the D.A.

You caused a disruption at a police station,

which could have cost lives.

You're looking at a class-B felony.

Would it help if I said I was really, really sorry?

I have to say I'm impressed with the initiative.

I mean,

this case had kind of fallen off the radar.

What made you follow up on it?

It was...

you know, for the children.

No, really. Why?

I have sex stains right here.

Anything usable?

Maybe.

I'm going to try magnetic bead separation.

It works best for getting results from inhibited surfaces.

If the inhibited surface is a negative,

then it needs

a strong positive to draw it out.

Yeah.

It also needs an outside agent to activate the...

attraction.

Couldn't the outside agent contaminate the entire process?

No.

It's not strong enough.

In fact, it's really only there to get things started.

Sounds like a delicate process.

Mm.

It is. One that requires

a lot of patience.

It's worth it,

because...

once the two are bound together,

everything else is left behind.

Okay.

Let me know

how it turns out.

Hey! I know what you're doing,

and I know why you're doing it.

You're trying to ruin my date with Wendy.

Well, it's not going to happen.

I followed protocol.

I asked you if it was cool, and you said yes.

Henry, I understand you're having a bad day,

but I really don't see how I factor into any of it.

Oh, fine. Then, I'll spell it out for you.

First, you monkeyed with my GCMS,

and when that didn't work, you took it to the next level.

But that didn't work, either.

Our date is still on.

I hired a limo.

That's kind of flashy for a first date.

Stay out of my lab and stay out of my life, or else.

Or else what? Back off, man.

I'm a toxicologist.

I know every odorless, colorless,

vomit-inducing liquid known to man.

You think about that the next time you eat lunch.

When the metal beads are added to a sample

of the stain from the jeans,

the DNA actually binds to sites on the metal.

And then, in the magnetic field, the beads with the DNA

are separated from the rest of the soup.

Now, this particular sample came back

as a mixture, so we just

subtract out the victim's profile.

And we get...

An unknown male. All we got to do

is match it to a tenant in the building.

You just made denim speak for the dead.

I'm sure

you'll all be willing to give us a DNA sample to assist

in our investigation. There's a bunch

of other people whose apartments burned up.

Why are we the only ones here?

You just got lucky, I guess.

Fine. Just show me the cup to pee in

or take my blood or whatever, but I gotta be at my job

in 20 minutes, so can we get this done?

That's the attitude.

Let's go. All right.

Hey, uh, look.

Giving DNA to cops... uh...

the way I see it, that's an invasion of my privacy,

so I'm going to decline.

You know, just on principle.

Sure. I respect your rights.

What's your name? Melvin Dodge.

Melvin Dodge.

Apartment 3C.

I just have a few things to follow up on,

so why don't we have a chat?

Just you and me.

O-Okay.

According to the landlord, you moved in

three days before the fire.

Boy, that's a tough break.

Has the town been treating you any better since?

Yeah, I got a job dealing craps over at the Palermo.

They let me go, though.

Layoffs. There is a recession going on.

Maybe that's not the best time to move.

Three days before the fire.

That's barely enough time to unpack.

Yeah, I was totally living out of boxes...

Boxes.

You know what I hate about boxes?

The stuff they put in them... the peanuts... they get everywhere.

I learned something about them.

You know, they're not made out of Styrofoam.

To be friendly to the environment,

they're made out of cornstarch.

They keep things from getting crushed, and also,

keeps a dead girl from going up in flames.

Look, I can get your DNA in about ten seconds.

Tell me what happened right now,

and maybe we can knock the charge

down to involuntary manslaughter.

That's a break for you.

I didn't know she was going to die.

I met her at Haze.

She was new in town, too.

She didn't know anybody, either.

We started drinking... a lot.

She got flirty. She asked me if I had any drugs.

I told her I had zolpidem back at my place.

She starts talking about all the dirty things we can do

if we popped a couple.

15 minutes later, she's doing things to me

I've only seen online.

Then I woke up the next morning...

Babe?

And there she was. Hey, come on.

Hey, wake up. Dead.

I don't know what happened.

She said that she had done it before.

I guess I just wasn't thinking straight.

So you put her body in one of your boxes, figured

you'd throw it in a Dumpster later?

Was that the plan?

I-I guess so.

But then, I got home that night,

and I saw that the whole place was going up in flames.

The fireman came up, and he told me that

my apartment had been completely destroyed.

Kind of felt like I got lucky again.

How do you feel now?

Let's do some writing.

This guy's life is totally over.

How do you deal with this day after day?

It's good work when you know you're on the right side.

Captain Brass?

I just want to say that I think it's awesome

the way you pulled your life back together.

Did you get into a program?

Who are you?

And what's he been telling you?

What?

Oh, come on.

Oh, no way.

This isn't funny!

What the...?!

Help. My face.

Help.

Lab tech down! Aah!

Wait, is that acetone?

Ah...

It is the best way to dissolve cyanoacrylate, Henry.

Yeah... aah!

That's toxic.

Well, not so much, if you keep your mouth closed

and cover your eyes with that.

Okay. Lucky for you,

I was feeling better and decided to come to work today.

There's no telling how long you could have been stuck here.

Mm-hmm. Obviously,

someone has not been adhering to lab policy against pranks.

Which is strange, because we're usually such a cohesive group.

Please stop.

I think it's a terrible

injustice, because you...

are the glue

that holds this whole place together.

Let's see.

Mm-hmm. Looks like someone

shimmed the lock, then applied contact adhesive

to the interior surfaces of your locker.

Yeah, well, I have a very good idea who.

Stick it to him, Henry.

Hey. I saw you and Henry

in the hall before...

Look, I haven't been messing with Henry.

I'm not trying to spoil your date, and I hope

that you guys have a very nice life together.

I really wasn't trying to blame you for anything.

I was just checking in.

Why are your hands in your pockets?

Because I'm socially awkward,

and it gives me a sense of security.

You know, after Henry accused me,

I began to suspect that someone was trying

to pin their practical jokes on me,

so I mixed up a little something called "detection spray"

and I put it all over the surfaces

that I felt that Henry would be most vulnerable to pranks,

including his locker.

It's essentially a ninhydrin solution,

which goes on clear, then reacts

with the amino salts in perspiration,

leaving a stain on anyone who touches it.

And the more that the perp tries to wash it off,

the more the stain spreads.

That's really fascinating. I should go.

It can last up to five days.

You may want to wear a dress with pockets tonight.

I'm not proud of this.

Then, why'd you do it?

Because, originally,

I really wanted to go out with Henry,

because he's everything that I know I should be looking for.

He's adorable and charming and funny and

sweet and nice to me...

Okay, I get it.

He's peachy.

But then, I realized

that what I'm supposed to want...

isn't what I do want.

So...

basically, I did the mature thing,

and I tortured the poor guy with practical jokes all day,

thinking that it might make him cancel the date.

That does sound like something I'd do.

All right, Hodges, Henry tells me that you

reprogrammed the GCMS.

And glued my face to my locker

- and poked my hose. - Whatever.

If this is true, you're looking

at a formal reprimand and days off. Did you do it?

Can I just say something?

I am so sorry...

That you didn't stop me earlier.

You see, Wendy

suspected what I was up to,

and she was urging me to come clean.

I swear, it'll never happen again.

Mea culpa.

Can you forgive me?

This is going to go

on your permanent record.

You got your confession... happy?

Hmm.

Nobody likes a snitch.

Henry, I am so, so sorry.

I guess this means our date's off?

Oh.

Yeah.

I guess I need some time for my face to heal!

Can I get a rain check?

Mmm.

It's never going to happen.

♪ ♪

Whew!