Original subtitles

I know you have trouble saying how you feel.

I love you too.

I've never been that certain about anything.

I once even tried to rent socks.

Do you have any feelings like that for me again now?

I'm sorry, but I... I don't think I do.

Thank you for helping me today.

You really did just come here to chat, didn't ya?

It's just a very humany thing to do.

I really feel like things are starting to click

in our little study group.

Hm.

Hello, Michael.

Shut the door. Have a seat.

When you proposed this new form of torture,

we all laughed behind your back.

Some people called you names,

like "the Thomas Edison of incompetence,"

or "that dick."

But against all odds,

it seems you've pulled it off.

What you've done here is truly amazing.

- Really? - Yes, these reports are remarkable.

Your humans are experiencing emotional torture

at the same level of physical torture,

created by our squiggliest eyeball corkscrews.

I'm jubilant.

As a result of our success,

I'm getting a seat on the High Council.

We will greatly expand our neighborhood idea,

and you will oversee the entire project.

You are being promoted.

Your Senior Staff pin. Congratulations.

This is everything you've ever wanted.

No, this is everything I've ever wanted.

Oh!

This is everything I've ever wanted.

Oh, wow! You're really happy?

Can't you tell?

I'm basically squealing like a birthday girl.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

_

At some point, we should finish discussing

yesterday's events.

Do you mean us almost getting married

and then finding out I was married to Janet

and then Janet making a boyfriend to forget me

and then Janet getting rid of that boyfriend?

Or do you mean when we saw that cool cloud?

The first bit.

Perhaps later after Michael briefs us

on how we're gonna be fake-tortured today,

we can just sit down and have a chat?

Yes, good idea.

- Yo, Chidi. - Yeah?

You wanna hear about a cool cloud I saw?

Come in.

I'd like to start by saying something

I've wanted to say for a very long time.

Surprise, idiots!

You're all in the Bad Place.

That's right, nerds.

Everything around you, all you can see,

is an elaborate system of torture

designed just for you.

Sorry, we're in the Bad Place?

Why are you revealing this now?

Well, it was an experiment, and it worked,

so my boss is promoting me.

Sorry, I should've introduced you.

This is my boss, Shawn.

Hello, imbeciles.

We need to study everything that happened here.

There was a first version that collapsed,

but the second has been a huge success.

We'll be shutting this place down.

The four of you will be brought to the real Bad Pace,

where your brains will be removed, studied,

and batted around a stadium like beach balls.

Your arms will be peeled like bananas.

- That part's just for fun... - Right.

And then you will be, you know, tortured forever.

Michael, is this all true?

Yes, Eleanor, it is.

You're such a rube,

thinking you could become a better person.

You got Chidi to teach you stupid philosophy...

Like those old farts were gonna provide guidance.

"Oh, Kierkegaard is so great.

Have you read 'Fear and Trembling'?"

Well, I don't know, have you read "Boring and Stupid"?

Because that's what you are.

- Nice. - Thank you.

How long will it take you to shut down the neighborhood?

Better part of a day, I'd guess.

In the meantime, why don't we have

a farewell party here tonight?

You know, just to thank the crew for all the hard work.

We could jam to some tunes, you know, destroy the place,

play beer pong with Jason's testicles.

- What do you say, boss? - Sure.

By the way, I know what you're thinking.

- "Maybe Janet can help." - Ah.

You're wrong. Janet?

Oh, hi, you little cuties.

I love you guys so much,

except for you, Jason, because I hate you.

- I hate you. - Janet, what's wrong?

Ooh! Where's my phone?

We put a restraining bracelet on her,

disrupting her powers.

It's made of mag-a-nets.

Mag-a-nets.

Mag-a-ne-its.

Magnets are supposed to make me feel drunk,

but guess what, I feel fine.

I can't believe Michael betrayed us again.

Why is it always the ones you most expect?

We should've seen this coming.

No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf.

Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist

after he directed "Argo,"

but then, right on schedule, it was,

"Guess what, Tahani, I'm gonna be Batman."

There's only one option. Sean clearly doesn't know

that Michael has rebooted this neighborhood 800 times.

I say we trade that information

for some kind of reduced sentence.

Chidi, they're monsters.

Who's to say they won't agree to a deal,

hear what we have to say, and turn around

and install us into their horrible human zoo?

There's no other option.

There's no way for a human to get that bracelet off of Janet.

But if there were, we could get her

to call us a train to Mindy St. Claire's house.

We know for a fact that the people from the Bad Place

can't follow us there, and I vote for that.

I vote we...

No, sorry, and no offense, Jason,

but the stakes here are too high to let someone

with your limited intellectual processing capacity weigh in.

- I was gonna agree with you. - Oh, great,

well, that's two votes for my plan.

Eleanor, what do you think?

Trade information on Michael

or try to escape to the Medium Place?

Neither.

I vote we ignore everything Michael just said

and blindly assume he's still on our side.

Who's with me?

Sorry, but when all this started,

you're the one who told us that Michael wasn't trustworthy.

Now you want us to trust him?

Yes, for one very specific and rock-solid reason:

- What's-his-name. - Who?

The dude, the super depressing religious guy.

The... the real buzzkill whose name I can never remember.

Keeblers... car.

Kyra. Sedgwick?

Oh, I love her. Dear friend of mine.

Not important right now.

- Kierkegaard? - Yes, Kierkegaard.

When Michael was mocking us

about trying to become better people,

whose name did he use, huh?

Kierkegaard.

I think he was sending us a message

to take a leap of faith,

'cause that was Kierkegaard's thing, right?

Yes, although it's probably better translated

as a leap into faith.

It's so hard to be your friend.

Yep, sorry.

Michael was telling us to trust him.

I had a long talk with him the other night

about the whole Derek incident.

Dude was shook, talking about ethics

and all spiraling about human stuff.

I think he's on our side.

Or maybe he's a supernatural demon

designed to torture people,

who just got offered his dream job,

and has flipped on us like a ten-stone griddle chip.

It's a large pancake.

Come on, people, you can get these from context.

Look, maybe Michael jumped back to the dark side,

but I don't think so.

I think he's gonna help us escape.

I know it sounds crazy, but if it weren't crazy,

they wouldn't call it a leap of faith.

They would call it a...

sit of doubting.

I never thought I'd be the one to say it,

but this is getting out of hand.

I think we gotta go to the cops.

What cops? Where do you think we are?

Before tonight's party, I'd love to talk more about

your strategy for torturing Tahani.

I'm impressed you were able to make her

fall in love with Jason.

- She must be miserable. - Yeah.

Humans make a lot of mistakes when they're horny.

Uh, boss, give me a second here.

- What the here, dude? - Vicky...

My hard work paid off for you,

and now you're just taking all the credit.

Vicky, Vicky, this can work out great for both of us

if we play our cards right.

Shawn thinks that this is attempt number two, right?

Now, if I tell him that you've been in charge of this version,

he's eventually gonna find out that there've been

hundreds of failed versions.

Oh... right.

And if that happens, we're all going down.

So, spread the word.

No one talks about the reboots.

Fine, but you better make this right.

Mama want promotion, ya heard?

Hello, you dummies!

This neighborhood was a labor of hate for many people here,

so I thought that we should celebrate

with an art form

that we literally invented here in the Bad Place:

the comedy roast!

I see Jason Mendoza's here.

Jason might not be the smartest guy in the world,

but he is the dumbest guy in the world.

Oh, Jason, buddy,

all you had to do was to keep quiet,

but you couldn't stop talking about Kendall Jenner

or that dumb quarterback... what was his name?

Derek Bortles?

Always ranting about Derek Bortles.

Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games

are the only ones televised in the Bad Place,

because they suck!

No, they don't. All we need is a defense

and an offense and some rule changes.

Don't take it personally.

He just has to put on a show for the other demons.

Tahani Al-Jamil,

elegance, grace, sophistication,

but enough about your sister.

You know what the worst moment of Tahani's life was?

When the last song played at one of her parties,

and she would run off and cry

because she still hadn't won her parents' approval.

You know the other worst moment of Tahani's life?

Every other moment of her empty, pointless life!

Hey-oh!

I see Eleanor Shellstrop is here.

Eleanor and I have a lot in common.

Now, here's how you can tell us apart:

one of us is a manipulative demon

who's an expert at making other people miserable,

and then the other one... is me!

You thought you deserved a Medium Place

like Mindy St. Claire?

Are you kidding me?

You're bad, Eleanor.

This is exactly the place you should be.

Not super funny for a roast there, bud.

Oh, sorry, you want a joke? Okay, you love Chidi,

and Chidi doesn't love you back.

Boom!

Now, that's funny, because it's very cruel

and humiliating.

I consider you one of my closest friends...

- Not now, dude. - "Speaking of Chidi"

is something no one has ever said,

because no one talks about Chidi,

because no one likes Chidi,

because he's so annoying about ethics.

Now, when you taught the Trolley Problem,

did you secretly wish that it could be you

who wound up under the trolley?

Because all your students did.

Whoo!

Oh, Chidi, sorry, I got a joke for you, bud.

- Uh, knock knock. - Who's there?

You died alone, because you couldn't commit to anyone.

You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone who?

- No. - Jason Mendoza!

Okay, that's all my time.

Let's tear this mother to the ground!

So, maybe I was wrong,

and Michael isn't on our side.

What up, pork sticks?

That was "She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd.

Coming up next, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."

Idiots.

We're going streaking!

The one time

I think someone isn't lying to me,

and it bites me in the ash.

I guess Michael really did flip back to the bad side.

Oh, does one think?

That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen,

and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.

Well, we have no choice. We go to Shawn,

and we tell him that we'll trade secret information

about the reboots, if he'll go easy on us,

and if that doesn't work, we try to get Janet free

and head to Mindy's. Agreed?

Yeah, Michael sucks now.

He pretended to be our friend.

He's gonna torture us for eternity.

And you know what the worst part is?

He doesn't remember the name of my favorite football player.

Definitely not the worst part.

It is to me.

Blake Bortles is a cool name.

Derek Bortles is a dumb name.

♪ Grandma got run over by a reindeer ♪

♪ Walking home from our house Christmas Eve ♪

Hey, man, have you told Shawn

how hugely important I was yet?

I will get to it. Promise.

Now, you just relax. Enjoy yourself.

Rip a cat in half. It's a party, Vicky, come on.

- Hey. - Aah.

What does Michael keep whispering to you?

Um, something, something, Vicky, something, something.

Uh, can I braid your hair?

- No. - Please?

No, you know what, I'm good. I got it.

Ooh!

Hey, help me get these bracelets off Good Janet.

No, Shawn put them on her for a reason.

I'm not overruling the boss.

You're such a suck-up, Gayle.

- Can I braid your hair? - No... get this... I got it...

Ow, get your own bracelet, Victoria.

Okay, you fat dinks, the sun is up,

and we're about to close it down

with one last song:

"She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd

and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"

played at the same time.

Honestly, I'm still partial to

the old-fashioned scorpion diapers,

but you've done great work here.

I can't thank you enough for everything.

- Shawn, wait. - No...

I have some very interesting information

about who's really responsible for this neighborhood.

Shawn, the humans are escaping.

It's Michael.

Michael's responsible for this neighborhood

and everything that's happening right now.

- Bye! - I...

- Bad Janet? - What's cracking, nut-butts?

Call us another train immediately.

Party's over.

How did they get Janet's bracelets off?

It's literally impossible for a human to do.

It's like breathing underwater or driving without texting.

Shawn, I don't wanna make any accusations,

but I accuse Vicky.

She asked me to help her take Janet's bracelets off.

Oh, Vicky, you didn't.

She definitely did. She's jealous.

She's been trying to sabotage me the entire time.

What? No, he's lying.

Okay, I did try to get the bracelets off,

- but I couldn't. - Listen to yourself.

- You sound crazy. - Normally I would love

hearing a man tell a woman she's crazy,

but I can't.

You aided the humans just to spite Michael.

You're not a demon. You're a jerk.

Wait, this is trick. Michael is the traitor.

I bet they're still here somehow.

This place stretches for 1,000 miles.

Fine. Bad Janet?

What?

Scan the neighborhood, please.

No sign of any humans,

but I actually did find something for Vicky.

What?

Bad Janet,

- great stuff as always. - No duh.

- And as for Vicky... - No, wait...

This is a PR disaster.

We have to keep it all under wraps.

Get her on the train,

and if anyone else says a single word

of what happened here to anyone,

you will be in a cocoon just like Vicky,

and it is gooey in there.

How do we get the humans back from Mindy's?

They've bought themselves some time, but we'll get them.

I'll start the extradition papers.

You stay here.

I want every trace of this neighborhood erased.

Oh, that was a bad idea! That was so scary

so many different times. I hated that.

You guys!

I was so scared for you.

I told you he was on our side.

You're my friends, and I want...

I wanted to save you.

Hey, it's okay, bud.

This is the best summer ever, you guys.

Oh.

Oh, Michael, we never doubted you for a moment.

Thank you, Tahani. You're lying, though, right?

Yes, I am. I doubted you very strongly.

But then I figured it out. Kierkegaard, baby!

Leap of faith.

It's better translated as a leap into faith.

You remembered!

Can somebody please explain what happened,

and... and can you guys just be a tiny bit quieter?

Because, um, I've been drunk on magnets all day,

and... and I can literally hear every sound in the universe.

Basically, Michael sent us a code,

and we had to crack it.

I figured out the first clue...

- No, you didn't, I did. - I was there, though!

- Ooh... - Blake Bortles is a cool name.

Derek Bortles is a dumb name.

Yes...

Derek Bortles is indeed

a very dumb name.

It's a clue. There's no way

Michael would've forgotten the name Blake Bortles.

You say it a million times a day.

- 'Cause he's the best. - No, he's not,

and even I know that.

Michael was telling us to use Derek,

Janet's Derek, for something.

There were clues in the roast.

Everybody, quietly but quickly head to the train station,

but let's split up, so we don't draw attention.

Ugh, you guys are the worst conspirators.

Okay, what else did Michael say

in the roasts that might be meaningful?

Tahani, do you remember?

Well, he said my entire life was pointless and empty.

Yeah, but did he say anything we don't already know?

Anything that stood out?

You know what the worst moment of Tahani's life was?

When the last song played at one of her parties,

and she would run off and cry,

because she still hadn't won her parents' approval.

That was odd.

A host never runs off during their last song,

because after it's over, you're supposed to act surprised

when everyone drags you on stage

and showers you with applause.

Maybe Michael wanted us to wait

until the end of the party,

when everyone was at their most distracted.

And use Derek to drive the train,

because he has some of Janet's powers.

- Janet! - Hi, hey, hey...

- Janet... - Yeah?

We need you to go get Derek from your void.

Okay.

Shoot, where's my void again? I forget.

Oh, yeah, it's everywhere.

Okay, hang on to your butt cheeks.

Ugh, where is he?

Ow, owie.

I'm never gonna find... there he is.

- Derek. - Hm.

Derek, we need you to drive this train

and take us to Mindy St. Claire's house.

- Can you do that? - Derek.

Wait... nobody get on that train.

- Derek? - Why not?

Because of what Michael said to me.

You thought you deserved a Medium Place?

You're bad, Eleanor.

This is exactly the place you should be.

Derek...

Michael wants us to stay here for some reason.

Eleanor, we have a train, a conductor,

and a safe destination.

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton

right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar.

"Let's go."

- What? That's what I said. - Guys, leap of faith.

Michael said we shouldn't get on that train.

Any minute now, those demons are gonna come looking for us.

Where are we supposed to hide?

Oh, no.

Now, when you taught the Trolley Problem,

did you secretly wish that it could be you

who wound up under the trolley?

Because all your students did.

All aboard!

The train is here.

It's a train!

Get onboard?

- Actually, Derek... - Derek.

You're gonna wait until the last song of the night...

- Derek. - And when you do leave,

you're gonna be flying a solo mission.

Oh... maximum Derek.

Derek headed off, and when the new train arrived,

the four of us crawled underneath

before any of the drunk demons saw us.

That kept us from being detected

when Bad Janet scanned the neighborhood.

We fooled those mofos like the chumps they are.

We got all four clues you left us.

Oh, that's great.

Well, I mean, I actually left you more than 1,200 clues,

because of how primitive your brains are,

but I'm so glad you got enough to figure it out.

Wait, how did you escape detection, though?

Well, I'm not ethically proud of this,

but I framed Vicky.

It was pretty easy.

I just kept whispering things into Janet's ear

to make her paranoid.

I'm sorry, wh-what did you whisper to me?

I don't remember.

Something, something, Vicky, something, something.

What does Michael keep whispering to you?

Something, something, Vicky, something, something.

- Uh... - And that made her

try to take Janet's bracelets off,

which framed her for the escape.

- You. - Oh...

Guys, I-I want to apologize for roasting you earlier.

I had to sell it, because everyone was watching.

- It was funny, though, right? - Absolutely not.

Tahani's stuff was perfect... I mean, no.

Guys, let's just take a moment here.

They're gone, which means that we won

and might actually get a chance to go to the real Good Place.

This is everything we ever wanted.

Speaking of people getting what they want,

I really hope Mindy liked the present we sent her.

- Who are you? - Derek.

"Thanks for helping us all those times we showed up.

"To repay you, here's a willing sex robot

and two duffel bags full of cocaine."

There are wind chimes where my ding dong should be.

- I can work with that. - All right!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com