Original subtitles

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[SIGH]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ENGINE RATTLING]

[RADIO PLAYING FAINTLY]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

Larry! I was just about to call you back.

Yeah, no, I got them. They look great.

I feel like a new man.

Yeah.

No, no, I'm still getting used to it.

I understand. I...

I understand.

It's just, I'm kind of in the middle of something

with my... My nephew.

Yes, you're going to get back every cent tonight,

as promised, okay?

Yeah, okay, say hi to your wife, Sandy, for me, will you?

Samantha.

Jody, that's right. How is --

Hello?

Merry fucking Christmas to you too, Larry.

[GRUNTS]

Whoo!

♪♪♪

Ho! Jesus Christ, that was painful.

What, your chlamydia?

No, no. Well, shit, that is a possibility.

[SNORTING]

Ah.

That was refreshing.

Take this.

Hold on, man. I think there's about to be a dip.

Stop tinkering bitcoin prices and take this.

Always buy the dip.

I don't know, I think we need a bigger dip.

[VEENY] Listen to Fitoshi Sakimoto over here.

Trust me, I've been watching for three weeks.

It's going to dip more. It has to dip.

And then we get the Lambos?

Then we get those Lambos.

Here, hoddle this.

[PIGS SQUEALING]

You watching pig porn?

No.

No, it's this app that tells me when cops are nearby.

It just makes me feel safer.

It's like an extra layer of protection.

You don't need any extra layers, believe me.

When the fuck are we going to start?

[VEENY] Guy!

T minus fourteen minutes, twenty seconds.

T minus? What the fuck does the T stand for,

testicles?

[SNIFFS]

The T stands for time.

You just guessed that.

Hence.

Hence?

Yeah, fucking hence.

I'll tell you what the T stands for.

The T stands for trust.

Ooh, that was good.

And most importantly, get your red fucking cups

because we got T minus ten seconds to take these shots,

and get this money.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Oh, my God, what is wrong with you?

[VEENY] Merry Christmas, you fucking assholes.

To the Vandits.

The Vandits!

What the fuck's a Vandit?

Every gang needs a name.

We're a gang?

We are now, pal. We are now.

So cool!

And this gang of ours, it's defined by

this piece of shit van?

It is pretty sweet.

You're goddamn right it is.

Vandits!

Vandits!

Vandits!

Mount up!

♪♪♪

[JESSE] What are you doing?

It's my V walk.

Hey, Guy. You want a bite?

Oh, I...No. Allergic.

That bracelet says you're allergic to granola.

Well, maybe. I don't know.

It doesn't say he's allergic to anything.

He just likes accessorizing his outfits.

It's a nice bracelet.

His mom's got him thinking he's allergic to everything.

She's an idiot.

You know, like her son.

Make it stop.

Eh, yo, Guy!

What? It's my gang walk! This is our V sign.

[ENGINE RACING]

[SCREAMS]

[VEENY] Watch it, asshole!

Thanks, Veeny.

I was talking to you.

I think I just shit myself.

Again?

Okay, boys. And girl... ish.

$25,000, here we come.

Twenty-five thousand!

Hell yeah!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

This is where people come to die.

Security Santa gets to sleep at work?

[SNORING]

If I slept at work, I'd be fired.

You don't work.

That's 'cause he fell asleep.

Let's move.

Ho!

[BANGING]

What will it be?

We're here for the $25,000 grand prize.

Yeah? You and everybody else.

Well, everyone else is a fucking loser.

See, we're winners.

Okay then, I guess we should just cancel the games.

You are the winners.

Now I can go home and live out my dreams.

What's it going to be, the $20 cards,

or the super-duper $25 cards?

What's so super-duper about 'em?

They're $5 more.

Dabbers?

$2.

How about free dollars?

Free dabbers are for first timers only.

He's a first timer.

Yes, I'm a virgin.

Well, I know I've seen that guy before.

It's impossible.

Dead roadkill on his face?

I can't unsee that shit.

Fuck you, man.

My therapist warned me about people like you

who might trigger my suppressed feelings of anger.

Yeah, well, fuck your therapist.

Fuck you!

Hey!

Fuck yourself!

Hey!

Fuck yourself!

Nobody's fucking anybody, okay?

Okay.

Let's just calm down.

Bossman, just give us a couple cards,

and throw in some dabbers, huh?

Do it for the fellavine.

The what?

The fella, the don, the fellavelli.

Should I keep going, Ramone?

Please don't.

Guy, pay the man.

I thought we agreed to split the entry fees equally.

Plans change, Guy.

I'm running low on Fiat cash.

Don't worry about it, they'll print more.

Oh, and keep the change, you filthy animal.

I'd better get that back.

Guaranteed.

Fucking assholes.

Oh, I will save us seats.

I don't think you need to save us any seats.

He said he was hungry.

I am.

You were born hungry, alright? Relax.

I could use a fresh drink.

[VEENY] Are they still serving?

[GUY] I don't know, let's see.

Hey, make sure you save us some good seats, huh?

Some good ones!

Yeah, thanks, Jesse.

Did you polish your ball?

I did.

♪♪♪

Is this seat taken?

Um, no. It's... It's fine.

Hmm.

Girlfriend?

What?

The lovely lady beside you there...

Are you guys together?

That's Bubby Luba.

Oh.

Bubby! Bubby Luba! I like it.

Is it like a pet name or something?

She's my grandmother.

So are you here with anyone?

No.

♪♪♪

Absolutely not.

Yeah, well, Bubby's been coming here

since this place opened.

It's funny, though. She's never won.

Oh, yeah. That makes two of us.

Yeah, well, I'm a loser too,

so that makes three of us.

I don't know. I've got a feeling that you're going to be

a good luck charm tonight.

Yeah, no, I doubt that very much.

Hmm... Look around, okay?

See that woman right there?

She's got dolls, alright?

That guy back there? He's got...

A sinus infection.

But I have got you.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, sure. Okay.

Well, good luck with your bingo.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, she's way out of your league.

Fuck you. Where's my beer?

None for you.

[VEENY] Hey.

Hmm?

Dabbers?

You have great taste.

Hello there, delicious. Hi.

I'm Veeny, as in the Fellaveeny, the Don.

The Fellavelli.

Jamie.

Hmm, Jamie. You've got smooth hands.

You feel her hands?

I didn't feel her hands, no.

Well, Jamie, I just wanted to wish you

and your sexy sister over there good luck.

She's my grandmother.

Wow.

But thank you.

Oh.

I know that's not a lucky bowling ball.

Come on!

Yeah, actually it...

♪♪♪

[GROANS] Let's just take a moment.

[VEENY] Hmm, yeah, that's great.

Hmm.

You two, adorable.

And that's a point for the Fella.

Stop it.

[VEENY] What, I'm not cock-blocking.

Or twat-blocking, or any kind of gender fluid fucking blocking.

I don't do that shit.

What I'm trying to tell you, kid,

and you should listen to this!

[LAUGHING]

What I'm trying to tell you, kid,

is when you want something in life, Jesse,

you fucking go for it!

Shh!

Hey, it's the 1 A.M. game!

It's supposed to be a fucking party!

[VEENY] Alright.

♪♪♪

Hey!

You made it, and still here at one o'clock in the morning.

Way to go! How you feeling?

You look great, you look great.

Mwah!

And you're still working on this! This is fantastic!

I'm sure it will fit me fine. Thank you very much for coming,

for sticking around.

Adele, Harry, what's up, baby?

Hey!

What's up, baby? That's my armpit! Alright!

Okay, good luck tonight! You might win!

Who knows?

Bubby! This might be your lucky night!

Oh, Murray!

Neddy!

How are you guys?

Good to see you! Oh, that's a selfie!

I'll see you later! We'll get one later though.

Hello, my love! Hello, my love!

Ooh!

Wonderful! And look who's here. Love her.

Everyone's my favourite! Everyone's my favourite!

Thank you all for coming.

♪♪♪

Alright, is everyone ready?

'Twas the night before Christmas,

and all through the hall,

with some lucky holiday balls,

"Bingo," will be your call.

I told myself that would flop.

'Tis the season to be jolly, good golly!

Good morning, and welcome to game 57

of today's Ultimate Bingo Warrior Workout,

where playing bingo isn't just fun,

it's ultimate.

I'm Ned, Neddy if you're nasty,

and I'll be calling all the balls and strikes here for you

on the Christmas Eve spectacular.

And don't forget to become a member here

at Ultimate Bingo.

Yeah, you can access that membership

by visiting our cashier, the lovely, sexy Ramone.

Say hello, Ramone.

Hello, Ramone.

[LAUGHING]

Ha-ha! Is that a hack joke, Ramone?

Come on, you can do better than that.

Can I?

[LAUGHING]

That guy's fucking funny.

Okay, show me how it's done, Ned.

[LAUGHING]

Well, alright! Ramone has early bird books for sale,

Secret Santa Sputnik cards included,

and Christmas fireworks not included.

Calm down, calm down.

Okay, 1 A.M. session is officially now open.

We will be playing for a whopping $99 prize.

Alright, it'll be a standard game,

two lines...

The hard way!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Can you slow the fuck down?

Shh!

I will break your fucking neck.

Fuck's wrong with that guy?

[NED] N... Thirty...

Two.

Is that better?

Thank you.

I'm so close!

I'm close.

You're pretty close too.

Yeah.

♪♪♪

Under the I.

♪♪♪

Twenty-two!

Quack-quack.

Everybody shut the fuck up!

We are the Vandits.

And the game's changed.

Let's go.

♪♪♪

Ah!

♪♪♪

Hurry up.

Alright, everybody just stay calm and cool, okay?

Okay?

Now, we're just going to take some money,

and then we're going to go home,

and you can all enjoy your Christmas, okay?

Just don't be stupid.

Please and thank you.

Okay, I've been thinking about it,

had time to process, but if this is about the dabbers,

it's fine! I'll give you the free dabbers.

Shut him the fuck up.

Alright, listen up.

Our friend, Ramone, over here is going to take

his stupid little keys, and open that door.

I can't open the door.

Open it.

He's not lying.

Do I look like some kind of fucking idiot to you?

Hey, hey! That's unnecessary, totally unnecessary.

Like your masks. So unnecessary,

we've seen you, we know what you look like.

Your faces, we've seen them.

What are you, some kind of wise guy?

[NED] What? It's the truth! It's the truth!

You have dirty brown hair,

and he has a hideous looking moustache.

She is a girl, I think,

and that fat guy looks like my ex who owes me fifty bucks!

You don't listen, do you?

[MURRAY] You better stop this shit.

Y'all done fucked up my bingo night,

and that is not a good thing.

You'd better believe that.

Don't you take another fucking step.

Or what?

Or get fucking tased, that's what.

Man, I served two tours of duty,

and I worked fifteen years in retail.

I sold shoes, motherfucker. Women's shoes.

You think I'm scared of this little bitch?

Alright, tase him, Guy.

Huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on. Tase me, Guy.

[VEENY] Tase him!

Tase me!

Will you fucking tase him?

[MURRAY] Tase me!

It's not working!

[VEENY] Tase him!

What the fuck is this shit?

You've got the safety on!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[GROANING]

[CROWD GASPING]

It worked.

Oh shit.

What the fuck did you do?

You told me to tase him!

Fuck!

Alright.

Open the door.

I can't. And I have to warn you,

you're starting to make me angry.

Open the goddamn fucking door!

I can't!

He's not lying.

Didn't I tell you to shut up?

My bad.

You're coming with me.

[CHUCKLING]

[GRUNTING ANGRILY]

Ah!

Which fucking one is it?

None of them.

[GRUNTS]

Okay, that one hurt.

Jesse, start fucking grabbing purses.

Come on, we're stealing purses now?

Hurry up!

♪♪♪

And the fucking dabbers.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Happy Holidays.

♪♪♪

Can I get your number?

Let's go! Come on!

Hurry up!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.

Let's fucking go!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

[GRUNTING]

Fuck!

When the fuck did Santa get here?

I'm here, man.

[GRUNTING]

Oh!

[SCREAMS]

He's awake now!

Ah!

Get out of here!

♪♪♪

Guy, no.

[GONG RINGS]

Ah!

[SCREAMING]

Ah!

[JESSE] Oh!

Fuck!

♪♪♪

Okay, okay.

This ends now!

No, no, no, no.

This ends when I say it ends!

Oh yeah!

[GRUNTING]

Can I please get a weapon?

We used it already.

[PIGS SQUEALING]

The cops!

Jesse, do something!

I don't have a weapon.

You guys planned a robbery without weapons?

[LAUGHING]

You're alive!

Hey!

Okay. Um... abort?

Abort!

[GRUNTS]

♪♪♪

[SCREAMS]

No!

Uncle Sheldon!

[JESSE] Oh my God.

No!

[JESSE] Sheldon!

[VEENY] What the fuck?

[GASPING]

[VEENY] No! You killed my fucking uncle!

♪♪♪

No!

[SCREAMING]

Okay!

Nobody move.

Don't even breathe.

[SQUEALS]

I'm sorry, did you breathe?

Listen, usually when I say, "Don't breathe,"

everybody holds their breath.

Okay.

[CARRINGTON] I didn't want to embarrass you

in front of your friends.

Yeah.

Let's just try that again.

Mm-hmm.

Alright.

Nobody breathe!

[GASPS]

So what were you guys doing?

[EXHALES LOUDLY]

Good.

The fucking Santa! He killed my fucking uncle.

Uncle.

He's crazy!

He's crazy.

[VEENY] He's dead!

Shut the fuck up!

[SCREAMING]

Put your fucking hands on your head now.

[WHIMPERING]

[VOMITING]

[GASPING]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[GASPING]

[VEENY] Jesse.

What?

[VEENY] Jesse! Jesse!

What?

Take this.

[GUY] What, are you going to smoke that,

or just stare at it?

Ah. Jesus Christ, that was painful.

Chlamydia?

Seems doubtful, but whatever it was,

it needed to get pissed out pretty quickly.

Well, then you need to grab your shot glass

because we need to refill your bladder, my friend.

Okay.

[CHUCKLING]

It's about to dip, trust me.

Buy the dip.

But we need a bigger dip.

What happens when it dips?

Then we get the Lambo.

[VEENY] Then we get those fucking Lambos.

[PIG SQUEALING]

Are you looking at that pig porn again?

No. No, no, it's an app that tells me

when cops are around.

Makes me feel safe. You know, an extra layer

of protection.

You don't need any extra fucking layers

'cause tonight, we get this fucking money.

Oh yeah, Merry Christmas, you assholes.

[SHELDON] Merry Christmas.

To the Vandits.

To the Vandits!

Vandits!

Vandits?

Yeah, every gang needs a name.

... needs a name.

♪♪♪

Yeah, and ours comes from this fucking van.

Pretty sweet fucking van, isn't it?

Alright, Vandits.

Mount up!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

What are you doing?

My V walk!

... V walk.

How did you know?

The same way you can't have any of this

'cause you're allergic.

Oh, I might be. You know, you really do get me.

[CAR APPROACHING]

Oh!

Hey, watch it, asshole!

Thanks, Veeny.

I was talking to you.

Motherfucker. I nearly shit myself.

Again?

Guys, there's something we're forgetting.

Weapons.

I gave Guy the taser.

Yeah, he already gave Guy the taser, see?

And besides, we've got the biggest weapon right here,

you know what I'm saying?

[JESSE] Yeah, I'm not doing this unless I have

a proper weapon.

I knew bringing you here tonight was a fucking terrible idea.

Robbing this place without some kind of a weapon

is a terrible idea.

Whoa, I thought we said no deadly weapons.

That's like a whole other level of jail time.

You have a taser. That is a deadly weapon.

A taser's not a deadly weapon, it just tases.

Tasing leads to death.

Alternative facts.

Yeah, you got one of them case studies

to back that up there, genius?

I didn't sign up to kill anybody.

[VEENY] Nobody's fucking killing anybody.

Can you guys shut the fuck up?

Listen to me. The old people in that bingo house

are more likely to die of natural causes

than anything any of us could fucking do,

you understand?

Let's go.

Fine. I'm not doing it then.

It's not worth the risk.

Fine.

There's a corner store over there, around the corner.

Makes sense.

What are we going to find at a corner store

after midnight?

You've got any better fucking options?

[BELL RINGS]

[BANG]

We can use this.

Where's the guy that works here?

Hello! Anybody here?

Hello?

Trying to fucking buy some shit!

You know what? Take whatever the fuck you want.

It's one of those "everything must go" sales.

You know what I'm talking about?

[CLERK] We're closed for renovations.

The door was fucking open!

[CLERK] The door needs fucking renovating.

What the fuck?

What? You never seen a fucking elf before?

Why is it blue?

Hanukkah. I'm a Jewish elf.

I was gonna say...

Can we just grab something real quick?

Come on, guys, you're breaking my elfin balls here.

I'm trying to watch Christmas Crock Pot.

They're about to plate.

Alright!

We'll be quick. I promise.

[GUY] A Jewish elf.

That's crazy, I didn't know there were Jewish elves.

I think they're all Jewish.

Oh, hey, how about this?

Yeah, that's not going to work. It's too big.

Okay, what about this?

Better.

Hmm.

♪♪♪

Veeny, use this.

What are you, nuts? You'll poke your eye out

with that thing.

♪♪♪

Holy shit!

Are you guys looking for weapons?

No.

Yes.

Well, which is it?

Yes? - No.

You looking for a gun?

Definitely not.

Maybe?

Let me ask you a question.

You woke?

You're talking to me?

Yeah.

Watch your fucking mouth, elf.

No, I'm not fucking woke.

What about you, you woke?

I'm exhausted.

You woke?

No, sir.

You sure?

He's not woke!

I know she's not woke. That much I can tell.

Alright, I got something for you.

That's not a fucking gun!

Sure as shit is!

Does it shoot?

Does it shoot.

Goose, goose.

What?

Duck!

[GUN SHOT]

The fuck!

Yeah, it shoots.

What kind of gun is that?

It's a twin turbo modified nail gun.

This'll kill a man.

How much, elf?

How much you got?

I don't know, guys. It seems kinda sketchy.

I don't know if we want to be giving tetanus to people.

Alright, alright, look, it's Christmas, it's the holidays,

I like you, you like me.

Give me 50 and it's yours.

[GUN SHOT]

[JESSE] Oh my...

Comes fully loaded.

[GUN SHOT]

We'll give you 25.

[JESSE] Yeah, we don't need it.

We'll be fine with this.

This? - Yeah.

Alright, it's your life.

That'll be $2.

It says $0.88!

Yeah, tax.

Pay, now, leave.

Don't come back!

Merry Christmas!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]

[SNORING]

Security Santa gets to sleep at work? So lucky!

Let's move.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, my man. How are you doing?

I'll take four cards and four dabbers, please.

Do you want four of the $20 cards,

or four of the super-duper $25 cards?

Why don't you tell me what's so super-duper about them?

They're $5 more.

And would you be throwing in free dabbers today?

Free dabbers are for first timers.

Well, he's a first timer.

Well, he's not.

Fuck you!

Fuck me!

[YELLING]

Fuck you!

There's no fucking!

Pay me.

Guy, pay him.

Why me? I thought we were splitting equal.

Well, plans fucking change, Guy.

Well, good luck.

Yeah, luck's for losers, my friend.

See, we're winners.

You look like winners to me.

Oh, is that a fact?

No, not at all, actually.

Why don't you go fuck yourself?

You know, the self-help audiotapes I'm listening to

warned me I'd encounter some negative energy

on the path to living a positive lifestyle.

They were right.

Yeah, well, fuck your podcast.

It's not a podcast!

It is a podcast!

Hey!

It's a fucking podcast.

Everybody relax.

He thinks it's easy. Okay.

It is a podcast.

I used to be like you.

Let me tell you, that toxic energy of yours

will come back to haunt you,

and that dead weasel on your face

if you're not careful.

You know, I recommend putting in the time

at the mental gym.

Otherwise, you and that facial ass pussy of yours

are destined to fall into a deep pit,

a loveless life filled only with desperation and despair.

♪♪♪

Well, good luck with all of that.

I also like podcasts.

It's not a podcast.

I got you.

I'll save us seats.

I don't think you need to save us any seats.

They still serving?

Let's research.

Hey, Jesse! Make sure the seats are good!

Get us the good seats!

I don't see any beer.

Don't worry, I know a guy.

And this is almost edible.

Mmm.

They're edible.

[STOMACH GRUMBLING]

Hold on, do you think these brownies contain tree nuts?

What's a fucking tree nut?

Hey, do you sell beers? - Beers?

[GUY] Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas,

Feliz Navidad and everything,

but do those [GASPS] brownies contain tree nuts?

[BLANCHE] I don't know what a fucking tree nut is.

You work here, you don't...

I don't make 'em, I don't bake 'em,

I just sell 'em when people take 'em, okay?

[GUY] Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.

Veeny, I think I just ate tree nuts.

I don't have any allergy pills. I'm screwed.

[GASPING]

Take one of these.

Where's your restroom?

Shitter's down the hallway to the left.

[GASPING]

Your other left!

Twat waffle.

You carry allergy pills?

It was a dick pill.

Oh, a dick pill. You got any more of those?

Well, hello there, handsome.

You know each other?

My moustache man.

Hello, Blanche.

You like?

You didn't call me, Sheldon.

My burner cellphone got cut off.

Your cellphone got cut off.

It did.

What a fucking crock of bullshit.

Uh-uh.

Bullshit! Bullshit, Sheldon.

Mm-mm.

You know, Larry told me to keep an eye out for you.

He even offered to pay me in case I saw you --

Who's Larry?

Nobody.

I still have a lot of feelings for you.

I have a lot of lust for you, a lot of fluid lust for you.

I'm fucking thirsty, Blanche.

Let me get you guys some beers.

Okay, but hurry back because I miss you so much.

Don't steal anything, okay?

Okay.

Man, she is something.

I thought you said you've never been here before.

Come on, I had to come to scope the place.

And sleep with the snack shack lady?

We didn't do any sleeping, if you know what I mean!

[LAUGHING]

I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Well, you could just say thank you.

How do you even know the money's here?

Of course the money's here.

They keep it in the money room in the back.

Doesn't look like there's going to be that much.

Look, you want to get crypto rich, Lambo boy?

What do you think? I'm a Vandit.

I already picked out my fucking Lambo.

So read the fucking sign. $25K giveaway.

That says Christmas. It's the 24th.

Okay, what time you got?

Holy shit!

Hmm.

You're a genius.

That means the prize money is already here.

Nobody's won it yet, so we totally have a fucking -

[BLANCHE] Ho-ho-ho, fuckers!

I got some beers for you guys.

Thank you so much.

And by the way, brownies are on me,

beer's on me.

Can I be on you too? Pretty please?

Merry Christmas, Sheldon. Good luck out there.

Thanks, appreciate it.

Stamp that fucking nice.

Yeah.

[MOANING]

[BLOWING RASPBERRY]

[LAUGHING]

[SHELDON] Oh, those were good times.

Oh my God.

[COUGHS]

I...

Okay, I'll see you in a bit.

Hey, Larry.

Fine.

Moustache Man has landed.

[COUGHS]

Hey, kid, you know she's way out of your league, right?

Fuck you. Where's my beer?

None for you.

What's wrong with him?

Where do you want to start?

His poor eyesight, his shit hygiene.

or that the fact that his fingers smell like cheese,

and not the good kind?

Hmm.

She's got lips like my mother. Yes, she does.

Excuse me, hello, you. Hey, yes, hi.

Veeny, the Fella. Fella the Don.

Don the Fellavelli. Should I keep going?

No.

Oh! Is that...

Is that a lucky bowling ball I see?

Yeah.

Can I take a little peek-see?

Is that okay? A little...

Ah!

Yeah, I'm just going to... Alright.

Oh, I felt a little kick.

Nah, I'm kidding. I joke. [LAUGHS]

Please, don't talk to Jamie.

[VEENY] Jamie? Well, that's a beautiful name.

Well, Jamie. Best of luck to you and your, mmm,

sexy sister.

Grandmother.

Grandmother. I'm still down.

What the fuck?

[VEENY] Listen, kid.

When you want something in life,

you've got to fucking go for it!

Come on, you know what I'm saying?

Shh!

[VEENY] Oh!

It's the 1 A.M. game. It's supposed to be a party.

Have some fun, huh? Have a little bit of fun.

[JESSE] What happened to you?

Tree nuts.

Dabbers?

♪♪♪

[NED] Alright, is everyone ready?

'Twas the night before Christmas,

and all through the hall,

two lines the hard way was the opening call.

Get the fuck on with it, Ned!

'Tis the season to be jolly, good golly,

and good morning. I'm Ned.

Nasty Ned is what my former neighbours called me.

[CHUCKLING]

And don't forget to become a member here

at Ultimate Bingo.

You can access the account membership

by visiting our cashier, the lovely, sexy Ramone.

I'm here. Wish I wasn't, but I am.

[LAUGHING]

Ha-ha! There he is, there he is.

He has early bird books for sale,

Secret Santa Sputnik cards included,

and Christmas fireworks not included.

That was a joke. I told you they wouldn't get it, Ramone.

It's all in the delivery, Ned.

[LAUGHING]

Alright, welcome to the 1 A.M. game,

playing for a prize of 99 + $1.

Do the math, that's 100 bucks.

It'll be a standard game, two lines...

The hard way!

Get the fuck on with it, Ned!

Yeah, I know. It's important.

I've got to tell you this stuff.

First number of the game.

Ho-ho! O69.

[HORN HONKING]

Next number, B4.

And after. - And after.

[NED] Next number, N as in Nasty Ned, 33.

Double three.

Motherfucker!

Shh!

Hey, relax, old timer.

Did he just say, "I will fuck and kill you?"

[HEART BEAT]

Under the I, 22!

Quack-quack!

Alright, everybody shut the fuck up!

We're the Vandits, with a V.

Let's go.

Mwah!

♪♪♪

Alright, people. Turn your hearing aids up

because we're playing a new game tonight.

It's called this is a fucking robbery!

Cash room. Go.

Do you not know how this works?

The room only unlocks if there's a winner.

Do you see a winner?

I see four of us right here.

[RAMONE] I see one, two, three, four fucking idiots.

[MURRAY] Hey!

Y'all kids better stop this shit.

Y'all done ruined my bingo night,

and that is not a good thing. You best believe that.

[VEENY] Listen, grandpa.

Don't you take another fucking step.

What the fuck you gonna do,

you Jersey Shore looking motherfucker?

Tase him.

What?

[VEENY] Tase him!

Tase me!

[VEENY] Fucking tase him, Guy!

And I'm a vet, I served two tours of duty,

and I can tell that this pineapple wearing bitch

ain't gonna tase no one.

Hey, Kool Aid, you got the safety on.

Ah!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

[GASPING]

Oh!

Fuck!

What the fuck did you just do?

You told me to tase him!

I didn't say to fucking kill him!

[VEENY] Jesse, wake the fuck up!

Start grabbing shit.

Sorry I killed your husband.

[POLICE RADIO PLAYING FAINTLY]

What have we got today?

Eh, too much baggage.

Eh.

Uh...

Hello, BathroomgirlI69.

Nothing serious, swipe right if you like what you see.

And I do, so I will.

Match!

Five hundred metres away.

♪♪♪

Here we go.

Everything in the fucking bag now!

Can I get your number?

Okay, no. Okay, bad.

Hurry up!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.

Did you already get them?

Wallets, purses, fucking pacemakers,

put 'em in the bag!

[SCREAMING]

Where the fuck is the till, lunch lady?

I don't know!

Where the fuck is it?

Get the fuck out of here!

♪♪♪

Shit!

[SCREAMS] I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

What the fuck, lady! What is that, a fucking frying pan?

No!

This isn't a fucking cartoon.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Fuck! Shit!

Just so you know, it wasn't fun for me either.

Vandits, let's get the fuck out of here.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, fuck!

He's awake!

So it would seem.

You got this. Let's go, come on.

You got this.

♪♪♪

Come on! Come on!

[GROWLING]

Go, Sheldon! Oh my God!

I could use a little assistance here.

[STRUGGLING]

Ah!

You okay?

No, I'm not fucking okay!

Veeny!

Give me the weapon! Give me the fucking weapon!

♪♪♪

I'm going to eat you like barbeque ribs.

♪♪♪

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[JESSE] Oh my God! You stabbed him!

[GASPING]

I told you. I say when it's over.

[SCREAMING]

Oh!

[GASPING]

Oh my God!

He's dead! You killed Santa!

He started it!

Fuck!

Well, that escalated quickly.

You're alive!

Alright, freeze!

BathroomgirlI69?

What's your favourite finger, officer?

Officer, I love your moustache.

Hey! Don't you move.

Do you use a special kind of wax?

Stop! Or I'll shoot.

I've got to touch it.

Okay!

[GUN SHOT]

[RICOCHETS]

[SCREAMING]

Oh my God!

No!

Ricochet.

Ricochet.

Ricochet.

Ricochet.

69, we have a ricochet.

[GASPING]

♪♪♪

[GASPING]

You having second thoughts?

About what?

Where's my Uncle Sheldon?

Sheldon!

Uh!

Hoo, I got it all out, but Jesus Christ, did that hurt.

Your chlamydia?

Oh, most certainly.

Buy the dip. - Buy the dip.

How did you know?

Every bitcoin billionaire knows you buy the dip.

And then you get the Lambos.

Yeah, then we get the Lambos.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.

I'm great. Fucking fantastic is what I am.

[PIGS SQUEALING]

Stop fucking watching pig porn, and...

And bring it in. Yeah.

Yeah, let's do this.

Yeah, yeah.

[SHELDON] Good.

Alright, Merry Christmas, you fucking assholes.

Merry Christmas, Veeny.

To the Vandits!

To the Vandits!

That's what we're called now?

Well, it is a pretty fucking sexy van.

♪♪♪

What the fuck is this guy doing?

It's my V walk.

[VEENY] Look, I don't want to say nothing

because I don't want to sound nervous and shit,

'cause I don't get fucking nervous.

It just seems like something's going to go wrong here.

Yeah. Like something fucked up is going to happen.

Like something fucked up is going to happen.

Yeah, you know, I feel it too.

Definitely imitation crab in that salad before, right?

I never said it was real crab.

Well, it's super fucked up not to mention that earlier.

I thought it was legit crab.

[SHELDON] You think I can afford to feed you legit crab?

[GUY] Well, you certainly could have provided a disclaimer.

That is so fucked up. I have a real problem with that.

You apparently didn't have a problem

when it hit your fucking plate.

That crab with a K never stood a fucking chance!

Ho!

Don't do that, okay. I might puke, seriously.

Veeny, can you control your uncle, please.

You really think this is going to work?

Guaranteed.

Once we get the money, we'll make it untraceable.

How can you guarantee that?

Well, the only fucking thing guaranteed

in this miserable life is bitcoin.

Once the money turns crypto, nobody can touch it.

Not the cops, not the government,

not that girl that got pregnant, no one.

And who told you that?

My fucking financial advisor.

Who, him?

Seriously, guys, I don't know how much longer I can take...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[SCREAMING]

[SLAM]

[CAR DRIVING AWAY]

Oh!

[SCREAMS]

[GASPING]

[FART]

Oh, thank the lord!

And then we get the Lambos.

And then we get those Lambos.

Merry Christmas, you assholes.

Merry Christmas, Veeny.

To the Vandits!

To the Vandits!

Yeah, not calling us that.

You know, I feel off. This whole night feels off.

It's the bubble gut.

What?

[SHELDON] The bubble gut.

I know, I know it gets a bad wrap,

but the bubble gut isn't always a bad thing.

To me, it's like a preemptive feeling

before something happens -- in this case,

a very good thing.

Maybe it's just nerves.

I did eat some imitation crab salad earlier,

so it could be that.

No, it was legit crab.

Right. Well, it could be that microwave omelet.

You fucking microwave eggs?

Is that even legal?

It can be done.

♪♪♪

Yeah, I feel better now.

♪♪♪

Those are some seriously fierce moves, Guy.

Thanks, Sheldon. Yeah.

Oh! Hey, Sheldon, wait up!

What? What is it?

Remember that theory you had on menstruation cycles?

Oh!

And how, you know, that they might be contagious?

Yeah, yes. Go on.

Right, so I was thinking that the only problem I have

what that theory is -

[CAR APPROACHING QUICKLY]

Oh!

Jesus Christ!

Fuck you!

Shit, that guy tried to fucking kill me!

Yeah, you're telling me.

I know, I just told you.

I know, I'm here.

I can see you! That's why I just told you!

You're welcome.

Alright, alright, we're all fucking welcome,

hence, you guys ready to do this shit, or what?

Hell yeah!

Yeah, I'm ready.

I got a question.

♪♪♪

Weapons?

[BELL RINGS]

You could use this.

Where's the guy who works here?

Hey, anybody in here?

Hello?

[CLERK] We're closed for renovations.

The fuck?

What?

I'm an elf, it's the holidays, get it?

Why is your costume blue?

To match my testicles. Now can you please leave?

That's not very Christmas-like.

I'm Jewish.

I was going to say.

Can we just pay for something real quick?

Look, you guys are breaking my elfin balls here, okay?

I'm trying to watch Christmas Crock Pot.

They're about to plate.

We'll be quick, okay? Don't worry about it.

Yeah, I thought I'd be quick too,

but my neighbour decided to change their wifi password!

I know you can hear me, Trudy!

Now I'm suffering from the buffering.

A real tragedy, my friend.

Make it quick.

Nothing deadly.

Oh hey! How about this thing, you know?

Like, rawr!

Oh Jesus Christ.

My stomach, my stomach!

Hey!

We can use this.

What, are you fucking nuts?

You're going to poke your eye out with that thing.

Holy shit!

Excuse me, Mr. Elf-kind sir. Do you have a restroom?

For you?

Yes.

No.

Can I interest you in a very special gun?

Well, it depends. How special is this gun?

Very.

Very much no. Now where's the restroom, down there?

Maybe.

Let me ask you something. You woke?

Woke?

Yeah, you woke.

No.

I can assure you, my bite-sized blue friend,

we are not woke.

Okay, yeah. I got something for you.

[GUY] Restroom?

No.

That's not a fucking gun!

Sure as shit is.

That's what it is, yup.

Does it shoot?

Does it shoot.

Goose, goose, quack-quack.

[GUN SHOT]

I usually say duck.

[GUY] Fuck.

What is it?

Twin turbo modified nail gun.

This'll kill a man.

Alright, you little blueberry. How much?

How much you got?

Uh, I don't know, guys, it seems sketchy.

You seem sketchy.

[JESSE] I don't want to be giving tetanus to people.

I'll tell you what, give me 50 and it's yours.

It's custom built.

Twenty-five.

No, we don't need it, okay.

We'll be fine with this.

This?

It's your life. Give me two bucks.

The sign says $0.88.

So the sign lied. Daddy needs a new futon.

Pay and please leave.

Oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Come back, come back.

Come back, come back.

Bring it in, gang.

Look, I've been thinking, give me 30.

Twenty-five.

Twenty-seven.

Twenty.

Twenty? That's lower than my original offer.

Can he do that?

It's the art of the deal.

You're a bad man.

Fifteen.

Twenty.

Done.

Pay the man.

Oh, what, is that supposed to be some kind of cue for me?

I'm just supposed to pay?

Fuck you guys.

No, fuck you, Guy.

I just saved your life! I really gotta go!

Let's go get this money, Vandits.

[SHELDON] Lambos.

Merry Christmas.

I love it when a plan comes together.

♪♪♪

Watch out for this guy.

[SNORING]

[GUY] Santa gets to sleep at work?

Wish I got to sleep at work.

You don't work.

He used to. You know what happened?

He fell asleep.

Guess you're feeling better.

Ah, yeah.

Oh!

I think it passed.

Jesus, man, I knew that was you.

Is that ham?

What'll it be?

We'll take four cards, and four dabbers, please.

Will that be everything?

Yes, please, sir.

Okay, that's $20 each.

Thank you.

You know what? Here's some free dabbers.

On me.

Sweetheart.

Good luck.

I appreciate it, my man.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

See? You just got to know how to talk to these guys.

You got it.

What a bunch of sweet people. Wow.

I'll save us seats.

I approve.

Beers.

Good morning!

Ah!

I don't see any beer.

Don't worry, I know a guy.

This is almost edible.

Mmm. Oh yeah, that's edible.

Hi, what can I do you for, fellas?

[GUY] Do you sell any beer?

Blanche.

Hello, Sheldon.

Do these brownies contain tree nuts?

You didn't call me.

What the fuck is a tree nut?

He thinks he's allergic to them. He's fucked.

Yes, well yeah, there's tree nuts in that.

I never called.

No.

I only text.

Oh God, oh God, oh God, I don't have any allergy pills!

I can read, you know.

I know. That's what attracted me to you the most.

Here, take one of these.

[GASPING]

Thank you.

Where's the restroom?

Shitter's down the hallway to the left.

[GASPING]

Your other left!

[GRUNTING]

Twat waffle.

[GASPING]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

You're okay.

Oh, you're not okay.

[SCREAMING]

Oh my God!

What the hell are you doing here?

Drugs.

Clearly.

Do you party?

[STOMACH RUMBLING]

Depends.

[LAUGHS]

So what happens now?

We do the dip.

Always buy the dip.

What's your favourite finger?

I don't know, there's...

There's so many to choose from.

Just?

Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

[MOANS]

Is this what all bingo hall bathrooms are like?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

I can't feel my face.

You know how to use that thing?

Ah!

Obviously.

♪♪♪

[MOANING]

♪♪♪

Tell me you love me.

I love you.

Tell me you love me.

I love you.

Ready?

Ready, fat boy?

♪♪♪

[LAUGHS]

[GROWLS]

No!

Merry Christmas.

You just killed her!

Who?

I loved her, she's dead, you motherfucker!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! It's Christmas, come on.

Murray, can't we just get along once a year?

[SINGING] Was a farmer had a dog,

and Bingo was his name-o.

B-I-N-G-O,

B-I-N-G-O,

B-I-N-G-O,

and Bingo was his name-o.

[NED] Ow, fuck.

[CLAPS] N-G-O,

[CLAPS] N-G-O,

[CLAPS] N-G-O.

Tara!

Tara, again? Come on.

You hot mess. Clean yourself up, and get back on the floor.

You're embarrassing.

Then I get to go home,

heat up that asparagus casserole,

while my cats can ignore me, even though I feed them,

and I give them shelter.

Fucking cats, I love those cats.

[SCREAMING]

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Is this your... Is this your...

Is this your stepson?

Hi, what's your name?

Guy.

Guy. Yeah, that'll be easy to remember.

For what?

What?

Uh...

Yellow card, first game. Good luck, y'all.

♪♪♪

Good luck, Murray.

♪♪♪

Hey! Sneezy, huh!

♪♪♪

[GROWLS]

Ah! [LAUGHS]

Sit down, you!

B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o!

Boom! Damn, I love bingo!

Shh!

[LAUGHS]

'Twas the night before Christmas,

and all through the hall,

not a creature was sleeping,

not even Paul!

[LAUGHING]

Good one, Ned-dog!

Good one, Ned.

The players, they play, the bingo gets made,

the ticker gets checked, and the winner gets paid!

Oh!

[LAUGHING]

I'm Ned, or the Notorious N.E.D. if you follow my socials.

Alright, welcoming you to Christmas Eve

at Ultimate Bingo, where playing bingo isn't just fun,

it's ultimate!

[CHEERING]

Don't forget to become a member at Ultimate Bingo.

You can access the account membership

by visiting the very sexy, feline shaped cashier, Ramone.

[LAUGHING]

You're a legend, Neddy.

I am on fire, on fire for you!

[CHEERING]

Ow!

And don't forget the Christmas Day $25K guaranteed

jackpot payout!

Ramone has early bird books for sale,

Special Santa Sputnik cards included.

Christmas fireworks not included.

[CHEERING]

Go to Game 1 in your books.

We play for 99 plus $1, but it's Christmas

so let's have some fun! It's 1-0-1 big bucks!

Whoo! Standard game, it'll be two lines...

The hard way.

♪♪♪

First number of the game, B4.

And after. - And after.

[LAUGHING]

Bingo rocks! Whoo!

N42, 42, four-two, N42.

Next number, O69.

Ow!

♪♪♪

Ooh!

[LAUGHING]

♪♪♪

Oh my God, you're like two away.

Oh yeah!

♪♪♪

Look, whatever happens next,

it will be okay, I promise, alright?

Huh?

Just trust me.

Under the I22.

Quack-quack.

♪♪♪

Alright, everybody shut the fuck up!

♪♪♪

We're the Vandits, with a V.

♪♪♪

What's your name, young fella?

Give me that!

Hey, listen up, you pensioners and lot lizards.

We're playing a new game now.

It's called this is a robbery.

Cash room, now.

Okay, but I can promise you it's not going to open unless...

Unless what?

[PIGS SQUEALING]

Uh, cops!

Shit! Fuck!

Alright, Guy, you deal with this.

This is your time to shine, buddy.

I got you.

Hey, everybody, my name is Guy.

[VEENY] Don't say your fucking name!

Fuck, not the mask!

Now we've seen you.

Especially him, I know I've seen this guy.

Oh yeah?

Right, it's good to see you.

Right, sorry. I'm a little out of it.

I had some tree nuts earlier.

Can you hurry this up?

Brownies, am I right? Or am I right, or am I right?

Anyway, we're just going to breeze through this

as quickly and painlessly as possible as we can.

So that our bingo caller friend can get back home

to his asparagus and cats.

That's true, I have cats.

I love them, they hate me.

Young man, you better stop wasting our time.

What the fuck is that?

Oh this? Oh, don't worry about this.

It's just a prop.

You know, we don't believe in deadly weapons, so...

Well, we do.

Murray.

It's so out of character for you.

We're playing by my rules now.

You ain't gonna fuck up no bingo nights -

Ah!

[SCREAMING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Boom!

Alright, listen to me!

This is what's going to go down.

I promise I won't break all of your fucking dentures

if you just do what I say, okay?

Can you stop breathing in my ear, please?

Everybody right now, look down at your cards.

Look down, Guy.

Hey, you.

[NED] Who, me?

Stop fucking looking at me!

Okay, okay.

Turn around!

Okay, okay.

You...

You're going to keep calling numbers.

I don't understand.

Well, I'm going to help you understand.

By the way, I'm very sorry about your husband.

Oh!

Do you guys have life insurance?

No.

My father actually sells it.

It's simple. You said the cash room doesn't open

unless there's a winner, right?

Uh.

Right, Ramone?

Yeah, it's true. How did you know...

Can we get on the same fucking page here, people? Huh?

Alright.

So you know, start shaking your fucking dabbers,

or whatever you got to do.

Come on.

Okay.

Stop shaking your fucking dabbers!

That's enough.

Stop shaking them, lady.

Jesus.

Okay.

So we're going to keep playing Ultimate Christmas Bingo

until we have a winner, alright?

♪♪♪

I said keep playing Ultimate Christmas Fucking Bingo!

Just listen to him, alright! This will be over soon,

and you won't get hurt.

♪♪♪

Trust me.

♪♪♪

Call the fucking numbers.

♪♪♪

Alright! Next game!

Let's turn on the machine. Whoa!

First number, O68! O68!

O62.

♪♪♪

[POLICE RADIO BLASTS]

[DISPATCHER] Officer Carrington, do you copy?

Yes, for the third time this shift,

it's Officer Carrington Jr.

but yes, I do copy.

[DISPATCHER] Sorry, Officer Carrington. Junior.

We've got a little situation.

Your mother, Stella's here with her friend, Sophie.

They brought sandwiches.

What do you want us to do?

10-4. Save me some tuna. I'm on my way.

Whoo!

[SIREN CHIRPS]

B9, B9! Not blind, but B9.

♪♪♪

Under the B, B12, as in did I take my B12 this morning?

Bingo?

Bingo!

Fuck!

We got bingo, Harry!

[SCREAMING]

Ah!

What do we do now?

Check the card, Ned.

Can we get a card check, Tara?

Where are you, Tara?

Anyone seen Tara?

Someone check the bathroom.

I'll do it.

It's alright. Let him the fuck go.

Don't do anything stupid.

Think you got that covered, don't you?

♪♪♪

Card number 323-818-416.

♪♪♪

Card 323-818-416.

♪♪♪

It's a false call.

Bullshit, Ned!

That's three false calls this month.

Ruins the vibe, you know.

Get up, Harry, it's a false call.

Now what?

Now what? Hmm.

Move it, ponytail!

N32, N32.

♪♪♪

[NED] B14, B14.

♪♪♪

G57, 5-7, G57.

♪♪♪

Holy shit! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!

[SCREAMING]

♪♪♪

Come on!

Card number 905-310-647.

[NED] 905-310-647.

That's a good bingo.

Yes!

[SCREAMING]

Yes!

[BEEPING]

[VEENY] Yes!

Mwah!

Alright, you, let's go.

Go, go, go!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

You got it? You got it?

[SCREAMING]

By any chance, do you want to go out some time?

Jesse, what did I say?

You want something, you fucking go for it.

♪♪♪

Remember when I said, whatever happens next, I'm sorry?

Yeah.

Just do it already, hurry up. We're fucking robbing the place.

♪♪♪

[CHUCKLES]

That's beautiful.

Wow.

Wow.

Oh my God.

Wow. Um, we will figure this out.

Yeah, do you have a phone?

Like, now I need your number.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

Can we hurry it the fuck up?

Cool, awesome.

Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah, thank you, great.

You're gorgeous. I've gotta go!

Call me.

Who was that boy?

♪♪♪

[GRUNTING]

Oh!

[GRUNTING]

Sheldon! Fucking hit him!

♪♪♪

This ends now!

[GRUNTING]

Fucking hit him!

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTING]

[JESSE] Oh shit!

[GRUNTING]

What are you doing?

Oh my God!

Get him! Fucking get him!

You do it!

Sheldon!

Oh fuck no!

No!

[GRUNTING]

Oh!

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLING]

Careful!

This is my money!

You ain't taking my money!

Oh no, you did not, Santa Claus.

♪♪♪

Here we go.

Yeah, fucking hit him!

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLING]

Oh! Sheldon!

Get him!

Ah!

[SCREAMING]

Guy, what the fuck, man!

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Santa!

I don't know what happened, it's just like this power

came over me!

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[JESSE] I can.

[VEENY] Let's go!

Get him off me!

Lambos?

Fucking Lambos, baby.

[GRUNTING]

[GASPING]

You're okay, you're okay.

[VEENY] Get the money!

You're okay. You're okay.

[VEENY] Get the money!

[GASPING]

Wow! I did it! I hit the jackpot!

We did it! Vandits! Teamwork, let's go!

Now give me the money.

What?

What the fuck you talking about?

Let's go!

I just said give me the money.

What?

You fucking piece of shit.

You weasel face motherfucker.

It's not personal.

It's not personal?

You're my fucking uncle. It's kind of personal.

[SHELDON] For Pete's sake, stop being so dramatic.

Just give me the money.

His back, the pistol. Yeah, go.

[GUY] I just thought this was some old guy

that you called on!

I didn't know you were actually related to him!

Will you give me my goddamn money now?

[JESSE] Smoke this!

A deadly weapon?

Shut the fuck up, everyone!

We are walking out of here with these bags,

and nobody else is getting hurt, okay?

Fuck yeah!

Fuck you, Uncle Sheldon.

And that ferret on your face you call a fucking moustache.

Well, that's just mean.

Come with me.

But what about my grandma?

There's no fucking Lambos for grandma.

You're not going to shoot me, you stupid little bitch.

Oh?

Yeah, oh, oh.

Come on, I dare you.

♪♪♪

Did someone win?

You're alive!

And you are dead.

♪♪♪

So?

Exactly what game are you playing at, little girl?

♪♪♪

Bingo.

[GUN CLICKS]

Oh!

The old man was bluffing.

I wasn't.

[GUN SHOT]

Oh!

[GUN SHOT]

[SCREAMING]

[GUN SHOTS]

[SCREAMING]

Here we go. [LAUGHS]

[GASPING]

♪♪♪

Hey!

♪♪♪

Fuck.

Okay, where are you?

Where are you, Veeny? You fucking rat.

You motherfucker!

[GRUNTING]

How dare you do this to me? How?

You're my fucking uncle!

That's right, I'm your uncle. We're family!

We're family, so let's not do this, okay?

I love you. I love you, kid.

Let's just walk out of here together, you and me.

We we're never supposed to fucking die.

You were!

And I fucking saved you!

You know what? Fuck you!

Fuck me?

Yeah, fuck you.

Okay, slow down. Slow down.

Okay, slow down.

I'll give you a free punch, and we'll call it even.

I'm not going to fucking punch you.

Just take the free punch.

I'm not going to punch you.

Punch me, you pussy!

[GRUNTING]

♪♪♪

Okay, technically that was a slap.

[GRUNTING]

[CRASH]

[GROWLING]

♪♪♪

Oh God!

Oh, God!

♪♪♪

No, no, no.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, fuck!

[STRUGGLING]

♪♪♪

[GROWLING]

I die when I fucking say I die, okay?

Let's just get the fuck out of here, you and me.

Veeny, don't do this, don't do this. We're family.

♪♪♪

Were.

What?

I said fucking were!

Hence, you're not a Vandit.

Further hence, you're not in the fucking family anymore.

One knife, the hard way.

[SCREAMING]

That was awesome.

[SCREAMING]

I bet you that hurt, you son of a shit hog.

[GASPING]

Is he, is he dead?

[GUN SHOTS]

Ooh!

He is now.

Did I do good?

You did good.

Did I do good?

You did so good.

[BLANCHE] Did I?

Baby, that was beautiful.

[GUN SHOT]

Ow! Oh!

[GUN SHOTS]

Ow! Fuck!

It was really beautiful.

Whoa. I am spent.

I told you you shouldn't make it personal.

[GUN SHOT]

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

Larry! I was just about to call you.

Yeah, the tooth fairy has landed. Mm-hmm.

Can't wait for you to see the new chompers.

Seven hours in the fucking chair, yeah.

Yeah, worth every cent.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I got your money.

Every cent, yes.

Yeah, I'll come see you right now, okay?

Yeah, where are you?

Hello?

Larry.

Larry.

Hmm.

♪♪♪

Fucking strange.

♪♪♪

Hmm.

What do you guys think? How do I look?

Meh.

Meh.

You, the guy who likes to talk all the time,

what do you think?

I'll tell you what I think, you chicken parmesan slut bitch,

I think you're --

Man, man, man.

I can live with meh. Huh?

Yeah, you. Alright.

You can all go home now.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

[LAUGHS]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[BANG]

♪♪♪

Larry?

♪♪♪

You wouldn't kill Santa, would you?

♪♪♪

It's Christmas.

[GUN SHOT]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Holy fuck!

♪♪♪

The van.

♪♪♪

I'm alive!

♪♪♪

Oh! I'm alive.

What are you going on about?

You're okay!

Yeah, I'm okay.

I fucking love you, kid.

What the fuck's wrong with you?

Aren't you going to say it back, hmm?

Aren't I love you's like so awkward?

Like, do you have to say it now just 'cause he said it?

You're just fucking pissed off because nobody loves you.

Ah, fuck.

I love you!

No, you love tandoori chicken.

Not after this morning. True story.

Wait.

We'll take the shots when we get there.

[JESSE] I don't know, fellas.

Alright, it's Lambo time.

Lambo!

Let's roll.

[GARAGE DOOR CREAKING]

You gotta click it.

Fuck!

You've got to be fucking kidding me!

Goddamn it!

I'm going to turn the van off because I don't want to die

in here from like carbon monoxide or some shit.

Nobody's going to die, relax.

No, she's right. Over 400 people a year

die of carbon monoxide poisoning,

and an additional 50,000 have to go to the hospital.

Shut up.

My stomach's rumbling. I gotta use the shitter.

[GRUNTING]

Just call me when it's open.

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, and... I love you.

Yeah, yeah.

And Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you too, Veeny.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, fuck you.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Line?

♪♪♪

You ready to go home?

[LAUGHING]

We're fucked!

Also, every gang needs some liquid in here,

or else we're going to be drinking nothing,

you know what I mean?

Jesus fuck, Guy, you stupid fuck.

[SHELDON] Will you shut the fuck up?

We're trying to make a movie.

Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

♪♪♪

Tis the season to be jolly. Fuck you!

♪♪♪

[STAMMERS] Fuck me.

♪♪♪

[VEENY] I mean, that was pretty good.

[SHELDON] Fuck you.

Not without a fucking condom!

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[DIRECTOR] Cut!

Back in my day, we used towels.

That's what's wrong in the world.

You young motherfuckers don't know how to use towels.

Ah!

[SCREAMING]

[WAILING]

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

That's right.

Sing in C sharp!

[SINGING]

Sing it!

[SHELDON] Come in.

[VEENY] Veeny-bo-beeny.

[VEENY] These look almost edible.

♪♪♪

Mmm, yeah.

[DIRECTOR] One more, you can do it, Jesse, come on, man!

Come on, man!

Okay.

[LAUGHING]

Spit it on the floor.

Trudy!

Now I'm suffering from... [LAUGHS]

That's my mom's name, by the way.

[CHEERING]

♪♪♪

Call me!

[LAUGHS]

Hoo-hoo-hoo! Remember?

[BLANCHE] Yeah.

Remember?

[BLANCHE] Honey.

"Keep it down in there!" Shut up!

Ah! Ooh!

♪♪♪

[SLURPING]

Whoa!

Oh!

Whoa!

[DIRECTOR] Alright.

Again?

[DIRECTOR] No, that was great.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪