Original subtitles

[children shouting, toys bleeping and whizzing]

[music plays: "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"]

Thank you.

-Merry Christmas. -Isn't it just?

Um, I, uh, I've come to collect this.

My wife reserved it online, Sparklehoof the Unicorn Princess.

That's 64.99.

Pardon me? No, uh, I think it's supposed to be 40 something?

It was 44.99 when she reserved it but she didn't pay for it then,

so now it's 64.99.

64.99? Sorry, is it an actual unicorn?

If you pat its head it blinks, if you touch its nose, it trots.

I don't care if you scratch its arse and it unloads the dishwasher.

This is a shakedown. Now, I'll pay you the original 40-odd quid,

which is outrageous, but I'm not paying a penny more.

That's fair enough.

Sorry, sir, it's 64.99.

St… you… What kind of operation are you running here?

It's worse than the Mob! Is anyone hearing this, huh?

They're hiking the prices up 'cause it's Christmas.

-Jokers. -They are jokers.

Now, you can't just put up a bit of tinsel

and play some Jona Lewie and expect us to just hand over the scrilla.

-Yeah, spread that, you tell 'em, big man. -I am telling them.

Sorry, sir, it's 64.99. It's the number one toy this year.

Have you not watched The One Show?

Not religiously, no.

Matt Baker, bad boy presenter.

I'm sure he is, but I'm not…

Did you want this Sparklehoof?

-No, no, I don't. -No, he don't.

Not at those prices, no.

Not at those prices, no.

I'm gonna take my custom elsewhere, alright, you're not the only show in town.

I'll let the invisible hand of the market deal with you.

I don't know what that means.

No, three words. Toys R Us.

Can I take that Sparklehoof?

[shoppers clamouring]

Back off! Back off!

[intro music]

["Jingle Bells" plays]

[lights buzzing]

Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

[chuckling] Ta-dah!

Dev, you appear to have put lights all over my house… without asking.

-You're welcome, Andy. -It's Andrew.

I know we've been talking about it all year. Since you moved in, really, innit?

Well, you've been talking about it mainly.

I could see you weren't gonna get round to it yourself

and I thought, at this rate, Christmas will be over and he won't have them up.

Oh, it so very nearly worked out that way, didn't it?

Yeah, and I know you're a busy guy,

that's why we haven't gone for that drink yet, though.

-[horn honking] -Hey!

[laughs] Get used to that, that'll be happening all Christmas.

Oh, that's good news.

Yeah.

Well, see you later.

[urinating sound]

Hey, Andy, look, Santa's doing a piddle.

I noticed, yeah.

-Ho-ho-ho! -[toilet flushes]

No, Mum, honestly, the turkey's huge, you do not need to bring a ham.

No, don't bring wafer thin ham either,

it's not the thickness of the ham that I'm objecting to.

Have you seen what him next door's been up to?

-Daddy! -Emily!

Oh, look at that, my darling. That's wonderful. Well done, sweet heart.

You really don't need to…

-Have you seen these lights? -Okay, Mum.

If it makes you feel better, bring cocktail sausages, but one punnet.

He said that you wanted them up.

Does that sound like something I'd ever say?

Oh, hello, mate, I know we've barely spoken

but I don't suppose you've got a giant urinating Santa

you could hang above my front door, have you?

It's just not Christmas without one.

Sorry, Mum, Andrew's going off on one.

Andrew, I've got a million things to do.

It's not me you need to talk to about the lights, is it?

[horn honking outside]

I tell you what you can bring, Mum, a couple of bottles of gin.

["Deck the Halls" plays]

Dev.

Hello, mate.

Quick word, re: the lights.

Uh, you really shouldn't have put them up.

Don't mention it, alright?

For neighbours like you, people of your calibre, you and Claire,

it's a honour, I should be thanking you if anything. Come here.

Hmm. Thank you.

That's intimate, but I'm telling you, you really shouldn't have.

And I'm telling you, it's nae bother, Andy.

Andrew, still Andrew.

-[horn honking] -Oh, whey! Another one.

That's the, uh, 12th in the last ten minutes?

Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

["Jingle Bells" plays outside]

[horn honking]

[Santa urinating] Ah!

[from outside] Ho-ho-ho!

[toilet flushes, Andrew sighs]

What's up?

I can't sleep.

-Why not? -Why not?

'Cause it's two in the morning and the bloody lights are on.

It's like being in a Turkish brothel.

I imagine.

[horn honking]

Andrew, what are you doing?

I have turned to my superpower, Claire, the strongly worded letter.

-Oh, God. -You wanna hear it?

Mm-hmm.

"Dev, we are not friends, you're just the bloke who lives next door,

and, sir, you're a vulgarian.

I cannot stop you covering your own home in garish lights and incontinent Santas,

but you ain't doing it to mine. Furthermore…"

Yeah, I get the gist, reminds me of your infamous bin collections letter.

Hey, that one got the job done.

It made Councillor Hargreaves cry.

He was already emotional 'cause his wife had just died.

You're not putting this through our neighbour's door.

At a civilised hour, go and talk to him like a mature adult.

Fine.

Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

Are you pulling my chain?

What, they've just gotta go off, have they?

Well, who complained?

Uh… yeah, hiding behind anonymity.

Council.

Right. No, well, the word I'd use is magical. What did they say?

Vomit inducing? Pathetic little weasel.

And what if I say we're not gonna do it, huh? What about that?

What if I tell you, you can stick it where the sun don't shine?

Custodial sentence? Yeah, alright. Well, have a good Christmas, Herr Hitler.

Lights have to go off, mate.

What, someone complained?

Yeah, yeah.

What kind of soulless monster would have a problem with these?

Oh, don't get me started, I'm sick to the stomach.

Well, I tell you what, mate, you gave them hell.

-Didn't I? Didn't I? -Yeah. Yeah.

You should have heard me in there, I was tearing them a new one.

Effing and jeffing like blinking Gordon Ramsay

if he's just had a particular disappointing souffle.

But the lights do have to come off.

Oh.

Oh.

And permanently.

Gutted, mate. Oh.

No, I know, it's sickening, it's sickening.

I'm gutted, absolutely gutted.

But you know, they can…

they can deflate our Santas but they can't deflate what's in there.

-What? -Christmas.

Andrew, what's this?

Ah, you spotted it, yes,

that is a rather high-end chemistry set for Emily.

Yeah, but I reserved a Sparklehoof online.

Oh, Sparklehoof, yeah, that's the big seller this year.

I saw it on The One Show.

Did you? Yeah, well, what The One Show doesn't tell you

is that when you see it up close it's really just a lot of plastic

made in Taiwan rubbish, so I thought,

no, that is not what my little baby's gonna get.

Yeah, but that's what she wants, she's been talking about it all year.

All you had to do was collect it.

Yeah, why didn't you collect it?

Yeah, well, ha, but I got to the checkout and they just hiked the price,

just like that 'cause it's Christmas, unbelievable.

Andrew, it was the first thing on her list.

Oh, it was the first thing on her list?

You don't get everything on your list, do you? That's well known.

It's not a list of demands like a ransom note.

The list is there for us to just cast an eye over.

Thanks very much for your suggestions, we'll take it from here, sweetheart.

Alright, I never got everything I wanted when I was a kid

and it made me the man I am today.

Well, I won't argue with that.

Thank you.

Wait, was that barbed?

[door slams]

Sold out, of course, right, well, thanks for your help anyway.

Honestly, I don't think there's a problem.

I think we just get behind the chemistry set.

You know, it's got actual magnesium.

Oh, actual magnesium.

We'll put it with her Brief History of Time colouring book.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

You shall go to the ball, Cinders.

Now's not a great time, Dev.

-[Dev chuckles] -Do come in.

Here he is, the man with the plan. Brown Santa here to the rescue.

Are you per chance still in the market for a Sparklehoof? 'Cause I found one online.

Oh, thanks, Dev, but it's Christmas Eve, it'll never get here in time.

Click and Collect, you just have to go and pick it up, mate.

Oh, my God, that's amazing, thank you.

That's great.

Yeah, I mean I was online for ages,

right, and I was just like, okay, Dev, we can do this.

I was like, kind of, you know, that Minority Report film?

-Yeah. -I was like that, just getting…

-Let me have a look at it. -…Sparklehoof and Googling everywhere.

-Found one, it was fake. -Oh, God.

-Found another site and, bang, I got it. -Amazing.

I honestly think it might be the last one left in the whole of the UK.

Wow.

That is a magical story, thank you.

Better get a move on, though, it's in Carlisle.

-It's where? -Carlisle.

Well, how far's Carlisle?

It's a bit of a mission, I mean, I… I realise that.

Four and a half hours' drive.

Whoa, that far? That is a mission.

Oh, well, that's too far on Christmas Eve.

But thanks for meddling.

You know what, Andrew, I think it is doable.

A lot of things are doable.

Yeah, it's definitely doable. I mean, if you leave right now.

Thing is, you can't really put a price on your daughter's happiness, can you?

-No. -No, you can't but then her happiness

will be heavily discounted on Boxing Day, so…

Okay, you know what, I'll go and then I'll come back

and I'll do the turkey and the gammon and the roast potatoes

and the carrots and the parsnips and the bread sauce

and the cranberry sauce and the knobby greens

and the devils on horseback and the little pigs in blankets,

and the Yorkshire puddings because Andrew insists

on having them on Christmas Day.

Wow, you're gonna do all of that and drive to Carlisle?

No, Dev, I'm being passive aggressive.

Ah, didn't get that, did you?

Did you not? No, there was a minor subtext.

Alright, off I go.

Thank you.

The nine hours to Carlisle and back.

Wow, I tell you what,

any chump who could find his flies can be a father, but that… that is a dad.

Oh. Who said that originally? Was that Wordsworth?

-No, I literally just came up with it now. -Did ya?

Right, I'll get the tunes and snacks sorted and I'll meet you at the car.

What?

You get the car started and I'll get the tunes and the snacks.

Oh, God, no.

Because you've already done too much.

Don't be silly, Andy, I don't mind.

It'll be that drink that we never got round to.

I think it'll be nice for you to have the company, Andrew.

Do you?

Hmm. Because you know me, when I'm doing any kind

of nine hour journey, I prefer to do it alone.

Just, boom, get out there and get the job done, voom, straight back.

No, but, Andy, I have to come because it's on my card.

Oh, he's got every base covered.

Isn't it my turn to do the turkey this year?

No, definitely not.

You're happy for us just to fall into our…

into your stereotypical gender roles?

Yeah, happy to let this one slide.

-Ah, alright, well, off we go. -Yeah?

Road trip, Carlisle, here we come.

Dah-da-dah!

Good luck.

[music: "Run, Rudolph, Run" by The Brian Setzer Orchestra]

[beatboxing]

Chuka, chuka, slow it down.

Oh. Wasn't expecting the shotgun.

Yeah, and that's all self-taught, it's just YouTube tutorials.

-I do singing as well. -No need.

[beatboxing and singing]

It doesn't mean anything, it's just words.

No, it doesn't. I can tell.

I'm not actually saying anything, it's just the…

No, I can tell.

Maoam?

No, thanks.

Come on. Yeah, go on, I'll put it in for you.

Don't leave me hanging, and it's there now. Ahhhh, say ahhh.

Look at that, there we go.

-Whoa! -Oh. Dev, Dev!

Well, that's the gas out of it now.

Dev!

Sorry, sorry, so sorry.

Oh, do the wipers.

[dry scraping]

They're on the outside, Dev.

Oh, God, yeah.

Sod's law.

You've got some on your glasses.

-Dev, I'm trying to drive! -Sorry, sorry.

[lights play "Stop the Calvary"]

Didn't even… didn't even see you carrying them.

Yeah. Kai and Ethan, they go absolutely nuts for these.

-Do they? -Yeah.

I tell you what, they know it's Christmas when big pappy roles up

with these on the dashboard, you know? Ho-ho-ho!

Yeah.

That's one thing I have got over Dave, you know.

Yes, he's got a Range Rover but he will not festoon it.

I can see why, 'cause they are making it quite hard for me to see the road.

Are they? Okay, sorry, mate.

["Stop the Cavalry" plays slower and slower]

Ah, it's got a battery life of 40 minutes, okay. That'll fly by.

[shouting] It's Christmas!

[chuckles]

That's the fourth time you've done that, innit?

-It's still funny, innit? -Yeah, no, it is, yes.

No, I love Christmas, it's like Diwali but with turkey,

you know, and the kids love it as well, Kai and Ethan.

When you see us playing, you won't know who's the grown-up, honestly.

[laughs]

You've got them tomorrow, have you?

Tomorrow, no, um, Mandy's got them this year, so, uh…

Dave's actually taking them to Disney World, Florida,

which is bloody nice of him.

No, tomorrow, um, got the day to myself, so…

Well, I envy you. We've got our whole mob descending on us,

eating me out of house and home, you're the lucky one.

Traffic's getting worse.

Isn't it? Yeah, who'd have thought that on Christmas Eve?

Okay, you know what? Let's take this exit, come off here.

-Really? -Yeah, yeah, get off here.

I know what I'm doing, 100 per cent, 100 per cent.

Mugs staying on the motorway when it's like that, it's chock-a-block.

Okay, so which exit am I taking here?

Um, first, second, doesn't really matter,

you know, it's the beauty of the age that we live in.

Have you not got a route in mind?

It's the age of the satnav. What we'll do, we'll just go down here,

then it's seen that we've taken the diversion, it'll give us a new route.

[satnav] Recalculating.

There we go, see, it's got us now.

At the first opportunity, turn around and take M6 northbound.

It just seems to be telling us to turn round.

Ignore it, okay, we need to show it that we mean business.

At the first opportunity, turn around and take M6…

Right, so where am I going here, left or right?

You know what, it literally doesn't matter. Um, right.

Yeah, we'll just go down here for a bit.

At the first opportunity, turn around and take M6 northbound.

I don't think the plan's working.

It's testing us, carry on.

Recalculating.

Here we go.

At the first opportunity, turn around and take…

The balls on this thing, mate.

No, no, no, what are you doing?

I'm gonna turn around and go back the way we came.

No, Andy, honestly, it's gonna be fine.

-We're in the middle of nowhere. -It's gonna be fine.

-We're just gonna be driving around. -Continue for one mile.

Ah! Here we go, told you.

Alright, we're not out of the woods yet, literally.

[laughs]

Oh, yeah. Is it alright if I use that?

Note to self, um, if in woods and lost,

just say, "We're not out of the woods yet."

What's wrong? Why have you stopped?

Why have I stopped? 'Cause I'm gonna have to reverse back up to that junction.

What are you talking about? Just drive through.

I can't drive through, it's flooded.

It's a ford. Haven't you ever forded before?

Oh, I've forded before, boy, alright? I'm one of the great forders.

But the point is that this is flooded, it's… it's not passable.

A ford is a flood, a flood that's passable, that's the whole point.

Andy, honestly, we haven't got time.

I'll tell you what, let's swap places, I'll take her through.

Hey! No, you're not getting behind this wheel, alright?

No one drives this car but me.

And that's not just me saying that, that's also Aviva.

I'm not voiding my policy 'cause of your antics.

Alright, let's go.

Easy, easy.

Easy, that's it. Easy.

Easy.

Nice and easy.

There we go. There we go.

What… what are you doing? Why have you stopped?

Oh, God.

-[engine revs] -That's it.

-Steady as she goes. -Oh, no, I knew it, we're stuck.

Okay, what you need to do is slowly give her some gas…

I know how to drive a car. Thanks very much, Richard Hammond, we're stuck.

Oh!

Alright, that's on me, okay. My bad, my bad. I hold my hands up, okay.

I'll take that one, you've gotta admit when you're… What are you doing?

I'm gonna have to call a breakdown, get ourselves towed out.

No, no, no, hold in a minute, she just needs a little push.

-Dev! Dev! -Oh, God! Oh, God!

What are you doing?

Oh, God! Alright. Sorry.

What is wrong with you?

Sorry.

Oh, just sit there and try not to help.

Okay, sorry.

I've got no signal.

Shall I… check my phone?

Yes.

It's just that you said don't help.

Check your phone!

Nada.

Oh, no.

Alright, I've got… Oh.

Hang on.

Anything?

No. I've got a ba… Oh, no, it's gone. Hang on.

Yeah.

-What network are you on? -Here we go.

Oh, yeah, got flags here.

Alright, let's get this show back on the road.

Oh, you're joking.

Aagh!

Yeah.

Again, just very, very sorry.

I should have waited, I just saw it and I thought, oh, okay.

Anyway, listen, let's get these blowers on, yeah, let's get you dried up, huh?

I also just accidentally saw your winky there.

[Dev] There we go, back in the fast lane, making progress.

[Andrew] Well, not exactly, 'cause this is the same junction we came off at.

Is it? Nah, it looks different.

It looks different 'cause it's a bit darker now.

Hello!

There you go, got you something to wear.

It's all they had in your size.

That's all they had?

Literally can't find them anywhere, they're like gold dust.

Yeah, I know, you can't get hold of those for love nor money.

I know, right? So, I go online, good neighbour,

only managed to find one, didn't I?

Shut up!

Click and Collect, I honestly think it might be the last one left

in the whole country, but, uh-oh, it's in Carlisle.

Well, you know, just outside, you know, King's View Retail Park?

And we're Bedford. Me and my mate, Andy, we're going down there now to collect it.

Oh, there he is, Andy!

If you're wondering, it's the only thing in my size.

[laughs]

This card machine's not working. Just give me a sec,

-I'll go and look for another one. -Yeah, no worries.

[kids shouting]

Andy, how about a cheeky five minutes on the arcade before we hit the road?

No.

Me and you, come on, on the little mini motorbikes,

[revving noises] Show those boys who's got pubes.

-That's tempting. -Yeah?

-Um, but the answer's still no. -[Dev sighs]

How much money have you got on you?

-I don't know, 40 quid. -Nice one.

Love, can we pay cash? Quicker, innit?

Nice one, thank you.

Just the two junior fun meals for you, is it?

Yeah, I always get these and I save the toys for Kai and Ethan.

-There you go, lovey. -Hey, hey, hey.

-Good luck with your mission. -Thank you. Oi, Merry Christmas, yeah?

-Merry Christmas to you. -He's an elf!

Would you believe I'm V.A.T. registered?

Sorry to bother you gents, but I'm trying to get enough for the shelter.

You haven't got any spare change?

Oh, you know what, I'm strictly plastic these days.

But I tell you what, you can have my big boy milkshake, enjoy.

Oh, you're a gem.

Isn't he just?

Are you sure you don't have any spare change?

I don't have any spare change currently, no.

Andy, she just gave you some, you're literally holding it.

It's not spare change, though, is it?

That's just, you know what I mean, that's…

I think he means kind of coins or something.

No, no, that's loose change. You'd accept a tenner, innit?

-Yeah. -He'd accept a tenner.

I'm sure he will 'cause he's, you know, a homeless man.

Aw!

-Oh. That is generous, a tenner? -Yeah.

God bless you, sir. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, mate. Aw!

You know what? The world needs more Andys, it'd be a better place.

They'd all be skint though, wouldn't they?

Um, you shouldn't do that really 'cause I actually read an article once

written by a former homeless guy, it was in the Telegraph,

and he said that if you just give it to them, they just spend it on

booze and drugs, and so it's much better to give it to charity.

Ah, and you do that, do you?

Are you gonna eat these? 'Cause I don't them in the car.

Yeah, let's go.

Obviously the place is mobbed.

So, I tell you what, we'll beat the queue, okay.

I'll park, you pay, teamwork makes the dream work, yeah?

Let's do this.

I honestly think it might be the last one left in the whole country.

[laughs] Carlisle, can you imagine?

We're Bedford, we're on our way up there now, ha.

Ah. Dev, by the way…

Right, next stop, Carlisle!

[car grinds]

Why… why is it making that sound?

That sounds bad.

That's just diesel engines, innit, noisy.

[engine stops]

What do you mean by diesel engines?

Once again, just very, very sorry.

Why in God's name would you just assume it's a diesel?

Okay, if I'm being honest, I thought, you know, switched on guy like you,

does a lot of motorway mileage, it's gotta be a diesel.

What?!

Are we sure it's not a diesel?

Yes!! We're sure because I remember five years ago

when I bought it, it wasn't a diesel!

[music: "A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives]

Alright, thanks. Bye.

What'd they say?

Apparently a couple of squirts of Cillit Bang in the tank and we'll be good to go.

-Really? -No, obviously not.

It's gonna take them three hours to get here

and another 30 minutes to drain the tank.

Oh!

[sighs] It's over, alright?

No, Andy, don't say that. Alright, listen, I'm gonna sort it.

-I'm gonna get us a lift. -How are you gonna do that?

I'm bringing out the big guns. I'm tweeting.

Just one retweet from a Lineker, a Rowling, an Edmonds,

we're gonna be swamped with offers.

Dev, you've killed the car, it's over.

No, no, Andy, I can fix it, I promise. Mate, it's Christmas, people like to help.

Mate! Oi, mate! Can we do a car swap? Ours isn't working! Mate!

You're gonna get sectioned, rightly sectioned.

No, Dev!

Mate, mate, mate…

Ignore him, he's just drank a whole bottle of Coke.

Can we borrow your motor?

We're just waiting for the breakdown guy, we'll be two hours max.

Dev, the man's trying to work, leave him alone. Sorry about this.

Okay, please, look, we're trying to save a little girl's Christmas, yeah,

we need to get the shop before it shuts. He'll give you 200 quid.

-What? -200 quid? Yeah.

Alright, yeah.

That's it, we're going to Carlisle.

We're not going to Carlisle, Dev, that's not a car.

Alright, that's one of those things you see in an airport

that's taking elderly passengers to their plane

'cause they're gonna be late otherwise.

No offence.

It goes up to 50.

-It goes up to 50! -It goes up to 50? No! This is madness.

Yeah, I know, but what other choice have we got left?

Uh, to not do it.

Please try and stay positive, mate.

This is nothing to do with staying positive, alright?

This is not a vehicle for grown-ups, this is made by Fisher-Price.

No offence.

[scoffs] I don't get you, man, like what kind of dad are you?

What kind of dad am I?

Yeah. I'll do anything to save my kids' Christmas. I'll walk over broken glass.

Says the man who's only gotta take his kids to Mega Bowl every other weekend.

Tomorrow my kids are gonna be 4,000 miles away.

If it meant I could see them smile on Christmas morning,

I'd be up that hard shoulder on a unicycle.

So, do you wanna take Bertha or not?

Night-night sweetheart. Remember, the sooner you go to sleep,

the sooner it'll be Christmas morning.

Night-night, Daddy.

Sleep tight. Can you put Mummy back on?

Hello, so, how's it going?

Not great, if I'm honest. We had a bit of car trouble.

Oh, no, what happened?

I… it's nothing to worry about, I'll explain later.

But we're not gonna make it.

Oh.

Sorry.

Well, just get home safe.

Am I a bad father?

No, I think you're a great dad. Look how far you've gone.

You tried everything. What more could you do?

I'll see you soon then.

Night, love.

Good night.

[music: "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" performed by Bob Dylan]

[horn honking]

[horn honking]

[horn honking]

Whooo! Come on! Oh, God, I've never felt more alive!

This is the greatest £200 I've ever spent!

-Isn't it? -Aargh!

-See? -Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

We made it and with time to spare.

Gotta hand it to you, we're not dead, we're not in jail,

we're here within store opening hours.

You said you'd get us here.

Now, let's get that plastic unicorn.

Evening, squire, we have clicked and now we have come to collect.

We have I just need your payment card.

No problemo.

Sparklehoof the Unicorn Princess,

I think you'll find there's only one left in stock.

We've come from Bedford.

Hey, Andy, we should contact The One Show about this.

They would love this.

This is a proper story of love.

-That Welsh lady… -There's no reservation against this card.

Say what?

There's no reservation against this card on the system.

No, there definitely is, just try again, please.

[machine beeps]

No, nothing.

What's happening, Dev? You definitely did buy it, did you?

Yeah, I've got the email, I've got the email receipt.

We do need the payment card unfortunately.

Was it another card, Dev?

You do strike me as a man who may have a lot of credit cards.

No, it was definitely this card.

Hold on a minute, this isn't my card. Who's Jessica Hughes?

[woman] There you go, madam, I've popped your receipt in the bag for you.

Merry Christmas.

Oh. That's Jessica Hughes.

Excuse me, excuse me!

-Dev… -Excuse me!

Excuse me, excuse me!

There, she's there! Come on, let's go!

Come on, quick, she's getting away!

Let's go, let's go, pedal to the metal!

What are you doing? Why are you stopping?

Why exactly are we chasing a lone woman through a carpark at night?

That's the woman from the burger bar, remember?

She switched the cards. She's got your Sparklehoof!

-What are you doing? -Calling the police.

-No, why? -A crime's been committed.

What, and how long are the police gonna take to sort it out?

A day? A week? A month? That's if they do anything at all!

Tupac was shot and killed on the Las Vegas Strip

and to this day his killer walks free.

Oh.

Now you need your Sparklehoof tonight, am I right?

-Yeah. -Am I right?!

Yes! But what are we gonna do about it? I don't…

Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut-tut-ta!

Brown Santa's gonna save Christmas.

Sorry, who's Brown Santa?

-Me! -Oh, okay.

[music: "10 Dollar" by M.I.A.]

-Hi, uh, is Jessica still here? -Sorry?

Jess. Oh, God, I haven't missed her, have I?

Oh, Jessie, well, she finished a couple of hours ago.

Damn it! I couldn't get away from the soup kitchen any earlier,

and my phone's dead. Urgh!

Can I help ya?

Right, so you know [mumbles] who works at the noodle bar?

Who?

[mumbles] who works at the noodle bar.

Sue?

Sue, exactly. So, um, I'm Sue's husband, right.

Didn't you die?

I did die. I did…

for six minutes, but then God bless the NHS,

they got the old ticker going again.

Anyway, Sue asked me to give Jessie this Christmas present, um, it's for her kid.

Oh.

I even hired a giant elf.

Hiya.

Hi.

Damn it, that's her Christmas ruined.

Oh. Hold on, you wouldn't have her address, would you?

That was amazing. Honestly.

And I don't say this lightly, you reminded me of Lovejoy.

Thank you.

[tyres screech]

Stop, stop, stop, that's the one.

Now, you can leave the talking to me.

I actually do quite a lot of the contractual negotiations at work.

Granted a lot of that's by email but…

Dev?

Bingo!

We're not negotiating.

What are you doing?

No one's home, we're breaking in.

No, we're obviously not!

Have you got a credit card? You can open locks with credit cards.

We're not breaking in!

Alright, Andy, listen to me, in a few hours,

either her kid's Christmas is ruined or yours is.

Now, give me that credit card.

Will it work with a Visa debit?

Oh, yes.

Have you done this before?

Nah, but how hard can it be?

Oh.

Harder than it looks, apparently. Hold that.

-No, don't! -It's the only way, it's for Emily!

-There's another way. -There's no other way.

There is another way! Look, just there.

-Oh, there is another way. -Right?

Classic key under the gnome.

[suspenseful music]

[car engine outside]

Oh, ooh…

[whispering]

[Jessie] Here we are, look.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Good girl.

Night-night.

[music: "I Believe In Father Christmas" by Greg Lake]

Ho, ho, ho. Shh.

It was the right thing to do.

What else could you do?

You're a good man.

Let's get a dirty little burger and go home.

You're gonna have to spot me, though, 'cause I haven't got any cash.

I assumed that would be the case.

You're a good man.

Thanks.

What are you writing?

"Dearest Emily, Father Christmas here.

It's very unusual for me to write directly to clients…"

Children?

Children.

"But unfortunately you will not receive the gift you requested

because of supply chain issues due to market uncertainty surrounding Brexit.

Despite the fact you've been an extremely good girl… this year…"

Hey, come on. You'll get her one in a few days' time.

What's the difference? You were right,

people go way over the top about Christmas. Tomorrow's just another day.

It's not though, is it? It's Christmas Day.

Mate, why don't we have a quick go on the arcades?

Because I'm 43 years old.

And your point is?

[dance music]

This is how I get all my cardio.

[machine] New high score.

Another?

Yeah! I mean, yeah. If you want one, yeah.

Go on then, do you wanna…

Oh, yeah. Cheers.

Oh, oh, butter fingers.

Oh, my days!

Andy, come here, come here, come here.

Oh, my days.

Right, listen, this is my domain. I got this.

Easy.

Easy.

Easy.

Easy…

Oh!

Alright, listen, how much cash have you got left?

Twenty.

Go and get it changed. I'm gonna get you that plastic unicorn.

[music: "Feel It Still" by Portugal. The Man]

[cashier bell rings]

Argh!

Damn it!

This is our last pound.

Easy.

No!

Andy, I'm sorry, I let you down.

It's over.

No, it's not. A wise man once said to me,

"It's Christmas, people like to help."

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention, please.

I know what you're thinking and I am not a drug addict,

I am not a drinker.

I'll occasionally have a mulled wine, um, and probably just the one,

and almost always with food.

Uh, but the point is, I am trying to save my daughter's Christmas.

All she wants is a plastic unicorn, but because of me,

tomorrow she's gonna open a chemistry set.

Which, let's face it, is basically just extra school.

Uh, but, if you were able to help me tonight, reach into your pockets

and give any spare change, uh, and spare change,

I should clarify, does include £10 notes.

Then tomorrow…

I can see my daughter smile on Christmas morning.

[they return to their conversations]

Oh, you people make me sick!

-Okay, mate. -No, I mean, look at them.

-Alright, Andy. -Skinflints!

Yeah, you heard it.

I read an article that you shouldn't give them money,

much better to give to a charity.

All out of luck, eh, boys?

Well, I know all about that.

Let's see if we can't do something here.

Thank you.

Every child ought to get what they want at Christmas.

Wait. It couldn't be, could it?

-Oh! -[urinating]

-No, definitely not. -Nah, it's not, come on, come on.

Kiss it.

I don't wanna kiss it, a tramp had it in his pocket.

[both] Aaaarrgh!

[music: "Stop The Cavalry" by Jona Lewie]

[both] ♪ Dub-a-dub-a-dum-dum Dub-a-dub-a-dum ♪

♪ Dub-a-dum-dum-dub-a-dum Dub-a-dub-a-dum ♪

♪ Dub-a-dub-a-dum-dum Dub-a-dub-a-dum ♪

♪ Dub-a-dum-dum-dub-a-dum Drop it, Dev! ♪

-[beatboxing] -♪ I wish I was at home… ♪

[both] ♪ For Christmas! ♪

It's like carpool karaoke.

I'm telling you, mate!

-Maoam, sir? -Poppy in there.

Oh, we're all out.

Oh. Oh, that's annoying.

Well, um, something I didn't mention on the drive up, out of,

if I'm honest, selfishness, is that if you would look in my jacket pocket,

you will find some yoghurt-covered raisins.

Come on!

I keep them in there for Emily. She's a lovely sweet girl, but, um,

she has anything with E numbers, she is an absolute fascist.

-I mean, a real-- -What?!

-You got me a card? -Don't open that.

-Why not? -Don't open that.

Because it's not Christmas Day yet.

Oh, really? Well, guess what, it will be in…

-five, four, three… -Let me… let me…

-Two, one. -… give it to you tomorrow morning.

"Dev, we are not friends. You're just the bloke who lives next… door."

What happened was I wrote that, uh, late at night

and I hadn't really slept much but I…

There was no call from the council, was there?

No.

But like I say, honestly, it… I… it…

that was before tonight and just hanging out.

-Yeah, yeah, of course. -And getting to know you.

Yeah, you know, Andy, you know what? It… it's completely fine,

I… I get it, man, it's cool, honestly, it's cool. I'm cool.

-Yeah? -Yeah. Of course.

Good.

Let's get the tunes back on, yeah? Come on.

Yeah. Let's have them on.

["Last Christmas" by Wham! plays]

[music fades out]

Well, alright then. Well, um, thanks again for all your help with…

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

And I… You know, when the madness of the season's over,

we should, uh, get that drink.

100 per cent.

Merry Christmas!

[door opens and closes]

Why are you dressed like a big elf?

It's a valid question.

What's wrong?

I can't sleep.

Why not?

Because the lights aren't on.

["Merry Xmas Everybody" by Slade plays on the radio]

[turns radio off]

[horn honking]

[horn honking]

[horn honking]

[horn honking]

Get used to that. That'll be happening all Christmas.

Ho-ho-ho!

[music: "Rockin Around The Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee]

Everyone, everyone, can I have your attention, please?

Just wanna introduce you to someone.

This is Dev, he lives next door, and he's my friend.

[all] Merry Christmas!

My jumper lights up.

[all] Oh!

That was crazy. Join in.

Daddy, look, Sparklehoof wants to play.

Oh, brilliant!

Dev, what are you drinking?

I'll just have a pint of fizzy lemonade, please.

Oh, don't let him open the bottle.

[laughs] The whole bottle fizzed last time…

Oh, God, honestly, it was like the most epic journey ever.

Like we were just… we were relentless,

we were relentless to get that Christmas toy.

It was a little bit like that Arnold Schwarzenegger film,

-you know, um… -Yeah, Jingle All the Way?

No, Terminator II.

Yeah, so then we had an amazing Christmas.

Now we're basically best friends forever, BFFs.

[laughs]

I tell you what, though, it sounds exhausting.

I mean, what's on the cards for 2019? You putting your feet up?

Well, we've got two weeks planned in Mauritius.

Have we? Well, you've gotta let me know dates,

'cause I need to book time off work.

No, no, me and my wife and… and child.

Andy, come on, I'll bring my little boys along as well,

we'll make it a big family holiday and of course Emily needs to meet Ethan,

'cause, I mean, they're probably gonna end up, you know, getting married.

Well, I… I don't think we can assume that, can we?

Sure, it's a bit old fashioned,

they'll probably just live together in sin, but, uh…

No, I just meant, I… you know, we can't be sure they're gonna hit it off.

[laughs] Hit it off? Are you joking?

My little boy, Ethan, yeah, he's like me. Imagine me but with no inhibition.

-Oh, God. -Yeah.

[laughs]

Well, that is, uh… it's a wonderful story.

Lads, thanks ever so much for coming in.

Thank you.

Uh, now we're off to Budleigh Salterton where Gyles Brandreth

has been tasting the world's largest Scotch egg.

That sounds egg-cellent.

[laughs]

-Eggs. Egg-cellent. -I got it, I got it, yeah.

God, I love this show.

I tell you what, I don't care what Andy says,

I reckon you're better than Adrian Chiles.

I never said anything about Adrian Chiles, I never…

I think you're the best there's ever been, including Chris Evans.

[music: "You Make My Dreams" by Daryl Hall & John Oates]