Original subtitles

Kids, everyone has one or two moments

when they make a huge, crazy decision

that changes their lives forever.

This is the story of mine.

It all started with a visit from my mom and her longtime boyfriend, Clint,

who was always saying stuff like...

your mother is a very, very erotic woman.

Please don't.

As a painter, slash, songwriter, slash,

volunteer fear-fighter,

I find her...

incredibly sexual.

But you have your own sexual memories

- with your mom, don't you? - Please don't.

Exiting her womb, receiving her milk. You get me?

Good.

I cannot believe I am with that man.

Mom. Mom, it's okay. You don't have to settle.

- There are plenty of guys who... - He is so cool!

And he picked me!

Well, I'm... I'm glad you're both so happy.

Well, good, because we do have an announcement...

Son.

And so my mom was lapping me.

Getting married for a second time before I was even married once.

I was so happy for them.

So freakin' happy.

Still, wedding can be magical.

For all I knew, I end up sharing a dance with my own future wife there.

And if you don't boil those jam jars,

it's just a welcome mat for bacteria.

That wasn't her.

Congratulations!

- We are so happy for you. - I feel like I'm 19 again.

It's like the last 35 years of my life never happened.

So wonderful to hear... Mom.

Son, to show that your mom and I will always be there for you,

I want you to have this beautiful picture that I painted.

Kids, there was no guitar.

Excuse me, Ted.

- Best... - Wedding...

- Eh... - ... ver!

Hello, everyone.

Mahalo for being here with us.

My entire life...

Well, this life.

I've waited for a muse like Virginia.

Baby...

this is your song.

When I squeeze her trembling bosom...

Oh, God...

The blood pumps to my loins

When I penetrate her...

Kids, I swear to God, I blacked out for the next 12 minutes.

So I have no idea how the song got to this ending.

And Mahatma Gandhi

And the pancakes

Everyone! And the dragon

And you

Virginia.

Guys! Guys! Guess what Robin just did.

Red and true...

Are you crying?

I know it's stupid, but...

And the dragon...

They're happy, you know?

Not as happy as I am, Robin.

Guys! Guys!

Guess what Robin just did.

And then, I told you guys what Robin just did,

but you were there for that.

I gotta tell the rest of the wedding.

Aunt Meredith!

Kids, I can't overstate

how horrible it is to be the single guy

at your own mother's second wedding.

So, Ted, when's your wedding?

So, Ted, when's your wedding?

When's your wedding? When's your wedding?

When's your wedding?

Robin cried at Clint's song.

I told you already.

Ted's hot sister, Heather!

- I have to leave. - Wait, Ted.

- What about your toast? - Make up some emergency.

I can't handle this.

It's your mother's wedding!

Uncle Larry, my hand to God...

Niagara Falls. This one. She's pouring.

And my friends didn't see me for the next 72 hours.

Seriously, is Ted okay?

I mean, I know it was a rough weekend, but...

- this radio silence is weird. - I know.

His mom's called, like, five times asking where he disappeared to.

Sorry, Robin. They're all out of pretzels.

And I know how emotional you get.

Let it go.

Let it go.

Okay, I... I cried at Clint's song.

She cried at Clint's song.

Hey, guys.

- Ted, where have you been? - Are you okay?

I'm better than okay. I am on top of the world.

Come on. We're going for a ride!

Hey, buddy, do you want to, maybe, let somebody who isn't having

some sort of manic episode drive for a while?

Yeah, and where the hell are we going?

First, let me tell you what happened the night of the wedding.

Watching my mom get married,

I realized how far behind I was in my own life.

I just had to get out of there.

So I went back to my hotel room and got onto this Web site

I sometimes visit when I can't sleep...

Come on. Oh, God.

We do not want to know what you and the Internet do when you're lonely.

I didn't... I...

That's not the part of the night I was talking about.

I went to my favorite real estate auction site...

Come on, we've all got one...

Scrolled through a few properties and...

Guys...

I just bought my dream house.

- What do you mean you bought this? - I mean, I made a bid online.

I won the auction the next day and I got approval.

I just finalized the paperwork.

And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with

or did she haggle over the closing costs?

Don't even joke about that, man.

I think this room will be the study. You know, a place just for Dad.

The kids are welcome in here if they're reading a book, but no toys.

It's not a question of withholding love. It's a question of drawing boundaries.

This is insane.

This is gonna take years

and a small fortune to make livable.

I'm an architect. I'll find a way.

And if I start right now, it'll be done by the time

the ol'wifey and I are ready to move in.

Is she in the room with us right now, Ted?

Okay, okay, I know I haven't found Mrs. Mosby yet,

but I will, knock on wood.

Careful, buddy.

You can't just skip ahead to where you think your life should be.

- It doesn't work that way. - I've got to agree.

This may be the stupidest thing you've ever done.

Stupidest thing any of us has ever done. Okay, all right.

Let's lay off Ted, all right?

We've all done some stupid things. For example, I remember a time

when I dropped some bottle rockets in the toilet,

and I tried to dry them off in the microwave.

You must have been drunk off your ass.

No, too stupid to be an adult. He was obviously a kid when it happened.

A kid? How does a kid...

Oh, my God. Guys!

Great new game:

"Drunk or Kid", which one was I? Lock in your guesses.

- Drunk. - Kid.

Drumroll, please.

I was...

drunk!

You know, I'm glad Robin got it right.

'Cause she's very sensitive and fragile.

I'm referencing the time

she cried at Clint's song.

And even though I'm whispering,

- I actually hope she hears me. - It wasn't me!

What?

I'm not the one who cried at Clint's song.

Red and true...

Are you crying?

I know it's stupid, but...

And the dragon...

They're just happy, you know?

Not as happy as I am.

I will give you $500 if this just happened to you instead of me.

500 bucks? Deal.

You just saved me unspeakable public humiliation and shame.

Guys! Guys!

Guess what Robin just did.

Wait, you guys are...

Hi, I'm here for the inspection.

Oh, great! I was worried you weren't coming.

I'm here for a moment, but I guess the doorbell doesn't work.

Doorbell does not work.

Wait, wait... you're just getting this place inspected now?

All right, let's all remember that we've all done some stupid things.

For example, I once tried to ride my bike down

an extension ladder from the roof of a two-story house.

The only looming question is...

was I drunk or a kid?

- Drunk! - Kid!

Drumroll, please.

I was...

Marshall's dead!

Marshall's dead!

A kid.

Moms, right?

Just always making a big deal out of nothing.

I came out of that coma in under a week.

Let's check out the porch, huh? Come on.

I'm gonna put a grill out here. Every Sunday, right here,

it's gonna be a total sausage fest.

Sausage party?

Burgers, we'll do burgers.

Stop it. You can't keep this house. It's a huge mistake.

Listen to me.

I had a plan, okay? Wife, house, kids.

As it turns out,

the universe is being kind of a wad about the whole wife and kids part.

So, what's the one thing I can control? The house.

I bought it. It's not a huge mistake.

Exactly. Me driving my brother's car the wrong way down I-94,

that was a huge mistake.

- Drunk! - Kid!

I was...

a kid.

Did you cry on that guy?

You got leaky pipes. But the bright side:

the pond in your basement is drowning some of the larger, slower rats.

The rest of them, well...

they're headed this way.

See?

You should have waited to find out the problems with this house.

You can always find problems with any decision,

but you can't let that stop you. Freshman year,

Marshall knew he wanted to spend his life with you.

What if someone had been there to second-guess that decision?

I know we've only been on two dates,

but damn it, Lily Aldrin,

- I'm going to marry you. - Not so fast.

We got some structural issues here.

These hips are not Eriksen baby-compliant.

And this thing right here does not have a proper filter.

That's a maintenance issue that's never going to go away.

I know

you think that you like this gothic exterior now,

but deep down

didn't you always picture yourself in something Spanish?

I'd recommend you look into the rental option.

But Marshall took that leap of faith, it's the best thing that ever happened.

It was Robin!

"What?"

Yes, it was Robin who cried at Clint's song!

"But she said... " I know what she said.

Here's what she didn't want you to know.

Listen, Barney,

I can't stand all these jokes about me crying.

If I pretend to reveal that you were the one who cried, will you go with it?

Sure.

I made a mistake letting you go, didn't I?

Your penis is enormous.

- You almost had us. - You always take it one too far.

Damn it!

All right, good news. I think we'll be out of here early.

- Really? - I finished downstairs and the outside.

Now, I could keep looking and see what else I can find

besides the black mold,

the damaged retaining wall, the frayed electrical wires,

the lead paint, the water damage, the fire damage, the sun damage,

the broken furnace, the rotted floorboards...

look... no termites.

The cracked chimney, the bats, the rats,

the spiders, the raccoons, the hobo, the detached gutter,

the outdated fuse box and the paint job in the kitchen, which is fine,

but the trim really clashes with the countertops.

Or I could recommend

that you do not buy this godforsaken Guantanamo Bay of a house,

and suggest that we all get our asses out of here

before a medium-sized wind blows the whole sum'bitch down.

What if...

What if I already bought the sum'bitch?

I will check out the upstairs.

Did he say he found a hobo?

There are problems, but I see this house

for what I know it can be.

I see a swing on that tree outside.

I see a wreath on the front door at Christmas.

I see

a grill out on that patio where I'll be barbecuing every weekend.

I see a life that I know I can have here.

I see a lawsuit.

Found termites.

The good news is the inspector killed some roaches on impact.

Hold on.

Giant hole

in second floor.

Just wanted to make sure the report is thorough.

You were right.

This was a huge mistake. It's just...

Everyone's moving on.

You guys got a place years ago, Robin's getting serious with Don.

Maybe that's a new tie?

Thank you! Jeez.

And now my mom's remarried.

I'm exactly where I was five years ago. I'm sick of it.

I'm ready for the life that fits into this house.

It's all right, buddy.

Sometimes people make the wrong decisions in life.

Like your mother.

What you mean?

As you know, I've always been very,

very fond of your mother.

- Please don't. - In fact,

Virginia and I shared a special moment

back in 2006 B.C...

Before Clint.

What are you talking about?

I wanted to be your dad!

- What does that even mean? - Don't you talk back to me, young man!

That's why I cried at Clint's song,

because that bastard took her away from me.

And now,

all I'm left with...

is the memory of dropping her off at the airport.

And that's how you got the brooch?

Unbelievable.

You...

Here we are.

Here we are.

- We made good time... - Not a lot of traffic...

I love this song.

Do you? I can...

Listen,

Ted's mom...

I...

should really...

Your penis is enormous.

Again? Always one too far!

Fine, that last part I made up, but the rest of it, I swear it was true.

Come on, dude. Your mom is a cougar.

Wait, I thought you said a cougar can't be over 50.

She's a Mellencamp.

I am screwed. The best I can do is level this place

and sell the property for a huge loss.

Usually in life when you make a stupid decision,

you just have to live with it.

But how often do you get the chance to pick up a sledgehammer

and bash the living hell out of it?

This is stupid.

I got second base whit your mom.

Thanks, Lily.

That felt fantastic.

To Ted Mosby... homeowner,

friend, and if he can rent it out,

slumlord.

There's...

There's one last thing I've got to do.

And my friends didn't see me for the next 72 hours.

He was our ride.

Ted, what are you doing here?

I never got to give you your toast.

I was selfish and I freaked out and I'm so sorry, so...

here it is.

"How bout a hand for the deejay? Gesture to dee... "

I'll skip down.

"Mom, I love you,

"and I've never seen you as happy as you are with Clint.

"And, Clint, welcome to the family.

"What you two have is what I one day hope to find.

But until then, cheers to you both."

I love you, guys.

I am so...

baked right now.

I'm only 60% sure you're actually standing in front of me.

But if you are,

I love you.

And you are the best son a mother could ever have.

There was no logical reason why my mom should be with a guy like that.

And yet, as you kids know,

being with your Grampa Clint was the best decision

your grandma ever made.

Sometimes our best decisions

are the ones that don't make any sense at all.

How'd you know I was going to be here?

Robin told me.

Happy housewarming.

But, I told you the last time I saw you I'm selling the place.

I know what you said.

I also know my best friend, Ted Mosby.

Look...

of all the times over the years when I've said to you,

"Slow down. Don't rush into things with this girl"

You haven't listened to me a single time.

Your heart is both drunk and a kid.

- Thanks for sticking up for me. - That's what I do.

Can I show you some of the ideas I have?

And, kids, Marshall was right.

I didn't give up on my dream house

because that's the thing about stupid decisions:

we all make them.

But time is funny.

And sometimes a little magical...

It can take a stupid decision...

and turn it into something else entirely.

Because, kids,

as you know...

that house

is this house.