Original subtitles

Kids, you may be wondering

how many of these stories I'm telling you are true.

It's a fair question. After all, there's a fine line

between a good story and a bald-faced lie.

I've never met anyone who could work that line better than your uncle Barney.

Heck, he could jump rope with it.

- I love to travel myself. - Really?

- Where's the best place you've visited? - Hawaii's nice.

A buddy of mine lives in Seattle. That's a good spot.

But the best place? I'd have to say the moon.

Hi, Neil Armstrong.

You did not convince a girl that you were the first man to walk on the moon!

That happened 7 years before you were born!

Ted, baby doll, minor hurdle.

Yeah, well, our spaceship passed through a wormhole

or some gamma rays or something.

I started aging backwards, blah, blah, blah.

So, you work in a yogurt shop. That must be wild.

Although, I did actually work in a yogurt store in high school.

And it was indeed...

wild.

Anyhoo, 20 minutes later, the eagle landed.

We knocked space boots.

Houston, we have a moaner.

Other space-related double entendres.

Why do you feel the need to lie all the time?

I'm not lying! Guys, we made sweet love.

I got pictures.

- I hate my job. - What are you talking about?

- I thought you interviewed the mayor. - Mayor Mcwoof.

He wears a dog costume and teaches kids not to litter.

At least he's supposed to.

I don't want to talk about mayor Mcwoof.

I want to talk about these amazing insoles

from bon appe-feet!

Just look how shock-absorbent they are!

Prop table! Table's a prop!

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

Sorry, Robin. Got bored.

Yeah, I don't blame you.

Man, just one decent interview would be so nice for a change.

Fine. I'll look at my schedule, see when I'm available.

I want a list of questions ahead of time,

and my personal life is off limits.

You caught seven peanuts in a row. It's impressive, but not newsworthy.

- You caught seven in a row? - Seven in a row.

That's not about that.

I'm talking about how I was selected to build

a scale model of the Empire State Building

for the largest recreation of the New York skyline in the world.

Is that the thing you were playing with the other night?

I wasn't playing. I was working.

"It's you."

"It's me."

"I saw you in the street.

"Are you Annie?"

Are you acting out the last scene of Sleepless in Seattlewith dolls?

- How long have you been out here? - Ten seconds.

Yeah. Just the last scene.

Again?

That's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?

You know, I actually...

I don't think that I should have to pay.

'Cause I'm not a fan of pizza.

What?!

We've driven halfway across the country

for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.

I once caught you eating pizza in the shower.

Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.

I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza,

but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says, "You got to stop pizza".

Marshall says, "Why?" Doc says, "So I can examine you".

But seriously, we kid because we love.

All right, the reason that I don't have any money on me...

is because...

I got mugged.

You...? What?

Can somebody please pay Arthur? All right? I'm starving!

- How's your dad? - Better.

Good.

Synchro: ShalimarFox, JoJo13

.:: www.sous-titres.eu ::.

- You got mugged?! - Who mugged you?

Was he wearing a black skull-knit cap and a five o'clock shadow?

- Did he say, "Stick 'em up?" - Yes, because I got mugged in 1947

at the corner of Abbott and Costello. No.

I was cutting through central park on my way home from work...

Watch it.

Don't get any closer.

It's cool.

It's cool.

It was... completely terrifying.

It was... completely terrifying.

- What are you doing? - Rehearsing.

I'm gonna pretend this happened to me to try and get some sympathy sex.

Barney, that won't work. Will it?

- Big time. - I'll allow it.

I can't believe someone pointed a gun at my Marshmallow.

I'm shaking. I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight.

Here, sweetie. I have something that will help you sleep.

Just stick this under your pillow. You'll sleep like a freakin' baby.

Put that away.

It's not going to hurt anyone. The safety's...

On.

Okay, you know what? Let's all just relax.

We don't need a gun.

I'd just like to forget this ever happened

and try to move on with my life.

Just like to forget this ever happened

and try to move on with my life.

This is great stuff. I think I'm gonna add tears, though.

Listen, baby, I know that it's scary, but look at me.

I'm fine, okay?

Can we just put this behind us?

That's gold, but I'm going to switch it to "put me behind you".

Baby, you don't have to worry about me.

Yes, I'm a little scared, but I'm a New Yorker.

I'm not gonna let this change me.

I've changed!

I'm a gun person now.

- Clip! - Maybe we should just take a break...

I said, "clip".

You want to get a gun? Not a scary one.

Just a cute, little, pink Beretta

that matches these adorable strappy sandals I just bought.

And, our new credit card works.

You don't need a gun.

Every statistic in the world points to the fact

that it's safer not to have a gun in the home than to have one,

especially in our home.

You know how I'm always accidentally injuring you.

Pretty easy, right?

Hurry up, baby. The party's about to start.

My god, Lily! I thought you were going as a sexy cat!

I changed my mind.

And now you want to bring a gun into that equation?

I know, you're right, but every time I close my eyes,

I picture that guy pointing a gun at you.

You're my whole world.

If something ever happened to you, I would just...

Okay... No, I know. I know.

OK, I've got to admit something.

That mugging didn't happen exactly the way that I said it did.

So he was wearing a black, skull-knit cap.

- Told... Ja! - No, he wasn't wearing that.

He wasn't wearing anything.

Wait, so...

Watch it. Don't get any closer.

It's... It's cool.

It's cool.

He naked-muggered you?

I'm not gonna ask where he was keeping the gun.

Are we sure it was a gun?

No, guys, I was walking home from work...

Through Central Park,

and I stopped at the zoo.

Watch it. Don't get any closer.

It's cool. It's cool.

You're telling us...

That you got mugged...

By a monkey.

I got mugged by a monkey.

You got mugged by a monkey?

Yep, I got mugged by a monkey.

I was embarrassed, so I made up the other story.

But the point is, Lily, you don't need a gun.

Forget about the gun. We're on this now.

Monkeys are mugging people now? It really is a jungle out there.

Oh, my god! That monkey has our address.

What if he's in a gang?

I hope he doesn't do a swing-by.

Why didn't you just ask the zookeeper to get your wallet back?

'Cause I saw what the monkey was doing with it,

and I didn't really want it after that.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Some new information has come to light on Marshall's mugging.

- Really? Did they catch the guy? - Well, he's behind bars.

Where did they find him?

I'm guessing naked in a tree, throwing his own feces.

I've seen that guy. See, that's why I take cabs.

You know how they caught him, right?

- There was a tail on him. - There was a tail on him!

What is going on?

All right, Robin, here's what happened.

Let me tell it. It's my story.

You see, young Marshall was at the zoo eating a banana...

I wasn't eating a banana! If you're gonna tell it, tell it right.

You're right. The banana was on the ground.

There was no banana!

There was no banana.

Marshall, I apologize... Truly.

Robin, here's what happened.

God, don't shoot.

- There was no banana! - Oh, come on.

Barney, I know Marshall didn't get mugged by a monkey.

He got right.

This is not an uncommon thing, okay?

In Thailand, in China,

in Costa Rica, people get mugged by monkeys all the time.

Monkeys are gatherers. Because of their intersocial dynamics,

having a predisposition towards

stealing gives one a genetic advantage.

You were mugged by a monkey!

Maybe he was just curious. Were you wearing a yellow hat?

Seriousness, this is a great story. Can I interview you about it on my show?

What? He gets to be on your show? What about my model?

No one wants to see a guy playing with dolls.

First of all, that is not what it is.

And second of all, you just had a guy on your show playing with dolls.

Your dolls are favored at the Rhinebeck Collector Awards next month.

Only if they behave themselves.

Last year, I found one of them cavorting with a G.I. Joe.

It's not funny.

What were you thinking? What if you'd gotten pregnant?

And you invited him back for a follow-up interview.

Because the FBI asked us to keep him occupied while they search his house.

I need this story. It's got everything:

crime, monkeys,

no stupid model of the Empire State Building

that takes up my entire living room and makes the place smell like glue.

Do this for me... as a friend?

It'd be fun to see you on TV.

Can you promise

to present it in a way that doesn't make a joke

out of the fact that I got mugged by a monkey?

You got mugged by a monkey.

Oh, my God.

- I just got mugged. - What?

Is what I was saying to this girl at the bar earlier...

It was completely terrifying.

I just want to forget this ever happened and try to move on with my life.

You poor thing.

Neil?

Lady, my name's not Neil. It's Bar...

Why are you calling him Neil?

Because that's his name. He's Neil Armstrong.

The cyclist?

You were supposed to be on a shuttle mission?

I thought you just got mugged.

I can do this.

You see, I was on my way to the launch pad

when I was mugged.

And...

the mugger

took my space shuttle keys.

Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way?

- I am. - Me, too.

And it was the best three-way ever.

Strange, 'cause you look like you had two vodka tonics thrown in your face.

And you have lime in your hair.

The story's better with my ending.

Just... okay?

There we are, zero gravity.

The three of us wearing nothing but space helmets.

You won't believe it.

I pitched the monkey mugger story to my producer and he loves it!

Really?

Who's ever heard of a guy getting mugged by a monkey?

No one except for the good people of Thailand,

China, Costa Rica, and plenty of other countries

where monkey crime is an extremely common nuisance.

The best part is, he said that it might get picked up to go national. Guys.

This monkey mugger story could make me famous.

Me, too.

Guys, this is bad. I can't, I can't do this.

- It'll be embarrassing... so what? - It's not that.

I wasn't mugged by a monkey.

So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?

No, I wasn't.

So what you're saying is...

the monkey tricked you into giving him your wallet?

- No, that's not what I'm saying. - So you mugged the monkey?

There was no monkey!

It was a human being with a gun.

Are you sure it wasn't one monkey

standing on another monkey's shoulders, wearing a men's trench coat?

Be about the right height.

I just made that story up

so taht Lily wouldn't get a gun. That never happened.

- I don't buy it. - What?

You heard me. I think you were mugged by a monkey.

You don't want to go on the show 'cause it'll make you look like a joke.

- Won't it? - The biggest, 'cause it's so funny.

Well, it never happened, okay?

I can't lie to you 'cause you're my friends.

I am, but go on.

But I can't lie about it on national TV.

You've known him the longest. Is he telling the truth?

Ted, don't...

I can't tell.

He smells good.

But I just can't tell.

I'm still saying it happened.

Maybe. But, Marshall,

if you didn't get mugged by a monkey,

you can't let Robin report it. This could hurt her credibility.

Journalists lie all the time.

I'm sorry, but I will believe that Jack Palance is dead

when I see the body.

This may come as a shock to you, Barney, but people don't like to be lied to.

Wrong! They don't like finding out they've been lied to.

"Because a lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth. "

Case in point, what that girl Sarah did to me!

I think you mean what you did to her.

No, I mean what she did to me.

The truth is,

I'm afraid the three-way story didn't go exactly the way I said it did.

Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way?

Lisa, wait.

Yes, Neil?

- You're Lisa? - Sarah, wait.

Look...

I'm not Neil Armstrong.

I'm sorry I lied.

I guess I wasn't completely honest with you, either.

I said that I was 28, but the truth is that I'm really 31.

31!

I was happy, very happy,

thinking that I had nailed a 28-year-old with some sun damage.

People want the lie.

Marshall, they need the lie, which is why,

as far as I'm concerned, you were mugged by a monkey.

Just as sure as I had that three-way.

I am the greatest in the world!

- Is that the three-way belt? - You know it.

Props!

Man, I slept so great last night.

Can you believe I almost bought a gun?

I'm so glad you got mugged by a monkey.

You guys got me.

I was just nervous. I got mugged by a monkey.

Yes! I knew it.

Wait a minute. Now I'm thinking you really weren't mugged by a monkey.

Why would he make something like that up?

Yeah, come on, Ted.

Come here.

Seriously, what is that cologne?

It's intoxicating.

So, late the following night, we all went to the set of Robin's show.

Don't be nervous. What we're gonna do is we're going to sit you...

What the hell is this?

I don't know. Looks like something covered by a sheet.

Guess if you want to find out, you're gonna have to do a story on it.

You're gonna be covered by a sheet if you don't get your stupid model out.

Dude, what are you doing?

I don't think Marshall's going to lie on TV.

When he backs out, I want to be there for my friend, Robin, with a story.

Or rather, 102 stories,

because that's how tall a certain iconic New York landmark is.

Now, I want to buy a gun.

- The monkey's here. - Surprise.

We thought it would help the story if you could face your attacker.

Because of this incident, we will be sending Captain Bobo

to a wildlife sanctuary.

- I bet he'll like it there. - No, ma'am.

You see, we'll be splitting him up from his mate, Milly.

They've been together for a long time.

His mate's name is Milly?

And then, the interview began.

In your own words, describe what happened.

I would love to tell you what happened, Robin.

But...

I'm just, I'm so curious as to what is going on underneath that sheet.

We're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about your mugging.

People get mugged in New York City all the time,

but how often do you get to see whatever's under that sheet?

Mike, can we get a shot of that? We'll be right back.

What are you doing?

I wasn't mugged by a monkey. I made up that so that Lily wouldn't buy a gun.

So you weren't mugged by a monkey?

What, baby? Of course I was mugged by a monkey.

Great, tell it to America. We're back in five.

Not back in five. I wasn't mugged by a monkey.

- That's it. I'm getting a gun. - Not a gun. I was mugged by a monkey.

- Then Bobo here is going away. - Wasn't! I wasn't mugged by a monkey!

- You think it was mugged by a monkey? - None whatsoever.

Just tell me: were you or were you not mugged by Captain Bobo?

- Just tell us what really happened. - Just us tell the truth.

That's when Marshall realized there was only one thing he could say.

All right!

Here's the truth.

I...

am going back to bed.

And that was it.

We never found out what really happened to Uncle Marshall's wallet.

But we do know this:

Lily never got a gun,

Robin's credibility remained unimpeached,

Bobo and Milly lived out their days together in the Central Park Zoo.

Damn it.

All right, Ted, mic up.

Mic'd up and made up.

Red leather, yellow leather.

That wasn't very satisfying.

When I tell everyone this story, I'm saying he was mugged by a monkey.

I'm gonna keep the banana on a string thing. That was working.

Barney, enough with the lies.

You can't tack on a new ending 'cause you're not satisfied with the wraps up.

Really?

Well, mark my words, Mosby.

Someday you'll be telling this story, you'll see it my way.

Doubtful.

And then, kids, you'll never believe what happened.

The monkey got loose!

He's got one of my dolls!

Come here, Bobo.

He's climbing the building!

Is this really happening?

Sure is, Ted.

True story.