Original subtitles

The 1970s were an awesome time to be a kid.

It was the Wild West.

Bike helmets hadn't been invented yet or car seatbelts

or even normal adult supervision.

Dads weren't around as much as they are now.

And my mom was busy running the house.

She had a lot on her plate and no time for tomfoolery...

whatever that is.

There were eight of us boys,

including my oldest brother, just home from college.

That's a lot of testosterone under one roof.

Allow me, m'lady.

Don't forget your lunch. I made you a sandwich

from the left-over meatloaf.

Oh, I like that, Peg.

Your loaf only gets better with time.

Ew.

Buck-89 from the Sears toy department

literally down the drain.

Hey, Pat, I found your Army doll!

I'm busy!

Oh, well, thank God your father and I aren't.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Hey, be careful.

One of those belts might knock a picture off the wall.

Alright, you got this.

I'll be home the usual.

Honestly.

Geez.

Hey, Mrs. Cleary.

Oh, hi, Wendi.

Thanks for letting me borrow this.

Of course. When do I wear a scarf?

I'm not driving a convertible around Monaco.

I guess it's hard for you to get out and have fun.

Oh, I don't know. Just yesterday

I went to Bunny Delmonte's funeral.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be. They had those Jewish donuts

you spread cheese on.

Do you ever just go get coffee with a friend?

Coffee makes me jittery.

And so do friends.

Eddie's in his room.

But be warned.

It smells like seat-noises in there.

Mommy, I think "seat-noises" is just our family's word.

Five seconds in Eddie's room and she'll be up to speed.

Close the door. Where's my mom?

In the backyard, don't worry.

Close the door anyway.

My mom had a sixth sense when it came to us

trying to get away with anything.

The distant click of a closing bedroom door

was like an air-raid siren to her.

Lookie here.

Wow. Champagne.

And it's red.

This is Cold Duck.

It's from a vineyard in De-twah.

I think that's pronounced "Detroit."

Oh, same as ours.

My buddy, Dino, swiped this from his folks.

This will be fun when we see the meteor shower tonight.

It will definitely enhance the Perseids Maximus,

which is very active this year.

"Perseids Maximus"?

I researched that at the library

so you wouldn't think I was just taking you there to make out.

Mm, which you are. You better stow that, though.

Your mom has a way of popping in unexpectedly.

If we like this, I can get other stuff from Dino.

He's a good guy and he doesn't mind stealing.

Holy hell!

I'm dead!

If my mom finds out, I'm dead!

Then we can't let her find out.

Sure, Mom could have burst in

and brought down the hammer right there,

but my mother saw the opportunity to figure out

if Wendi was worthy of Eddie...

and, more importantly, worthy of her.

I have $9 and a Pee Wee Reese rookie card

in my top sock drawer.

Take them and go. You can start a new life.

We... We can clean this. This isn't so bad.

It is bad. My parents hate liquor.

They won't even have it in the house.

This was true.

If a recipe called for alcohol,

my mom would substitute something else.

Her Cream of Mushroom Rum Cake

was not a hit at bake sales.

Maybe I can distract your mom for a little while.

It won't work.

I have to clean the sheets, the floor!

I just have to get her out of the house

- for a few hours. - She doesn't leave this house.

She goes to church and that's it.

What does she do for fun?

Nothing. She's the enemy of fun.

Your mom trusts me.

I'll convince her.

I can't have her hating me over this.

She won't hate you. She'll just judge you forever.

Oh, wait, that's what she does for fun.

Mom?!

Wasting electricity in the daytime?

Use the free light.

Hey, Mrs. Cleary.

Oh.

You and Eddie headed out?

We were, but then I started thinking...

you should go out.

What a strange suggestion.

Why on earth would you want me to leave the house?

Oh, wait, I know!

You're worried about me having enough fun.

You were saying that you don't get out much.

Well, I guess I wouldn't mind having my hair done

at Helen's Salon.

But I could never...

Of course you could!

No, every time I turn around,

there's some new mess being created.

Who knows what else I'd find if I started poking around.

There's a house full of healthy boys here

to take care of all that. Eddie!

These useless lumps are no help.

She's not wrong. We're lumps.

They're just pretending to be useless

so you don't make them do chores.

Did you tell her?

No, but you just did.

Sorry, Mrs. Cleary.

I'm not taking no for an answer.

Heeey!

You changed your shirt.

Funny, I just had the craziest sneeze.

Your mother's going to go out and get her hair done.

Oh, good idea!

And I said while she's out,

we'll take care of her housework.

We're doing something nice for Mom? I'm in.

You see, they're dying to help...

watch the baby, do the laundry, mop the kitchen.

It's the least they can do.

- I can picture less. - You're all being so sweet.

Oh. What the heck.

Okay. I'll go.

But I promise, I'll be right back.

Take your time.

Do extra stuff.

Get your fingernails washed or whatever.

Fingernail washing?

That's no fun alone.

Oh, wait. Here's a thought...

Wendi, why don't you come with me?

Um... I-I suppose that could work.

It'll be my treat! We'll gossip,

tell each other all our secrets.

Uh...

I'm kidding!

You don't have any secrets from me.

If you guys really want to help me clean the house

the best way to do that is to stay out of my way.

I'll let you back in for dinner.

If you need me, I'll be under that tree.

Or more correctly, I'll be visiting

the seventh moon of Vallys with my good friend Quaytar.

Alone under the tree, got it.

What about you, Pat?

Want to meet my secret dog?

The one with the blood-red eyes

who stares through your bedroom window at night?

No, that's Kevin.

This one's real.

I keep him a couple blocks from here.

C'mon.

Our main job today is keeping that alive.

Don't die.

Joey, go to the garage.

You're gonna grab a bucket and mop, come back,

and your job will be scrubbing the kitchen floors.

On it!

Frank, you do laundry.

As long as you tell Mom it was me.

Unlike Mother's Day, when I bought her a card

and everybody put their names on it.

Don't be a drip, Frank.

Even Joey is helping.

Start with the wet towels in the bathroom.

Hey, what's goin' on?

Glad you're here.

There's kind of a crisis.

Oh, yeah, Dad forgot his lunch.

What?! No! If Dad comes home hungry, I'm dead!

Sure, the guy can be a little grumpy,

but just steer clear 'til he's eaten.

What in tarnation happened here?!

Now I see the real reason you sent Mom to the hairdresser.

You don't really care about helping her

be as beautiful as she can be.

This will all be taken care of.

Oh, it will, once I call Mom and Mom calls the police

and the police thank Mom and Mom thanks me.

And I say, "Ho, ho, it's fine, Mom,

we can share the credit."

Stop!

- Give me that! - Ugh!

You just added assault to your crimes, mister!

Break it up!

You'll be grounded for...

So where's this dog of yours?

He's trapped. We have to rescue him.

He belongs to the people living at this house.

Now you sound like the people that live here.

He wants to play with me.

- Watch! - No.

No, no, no, no!

No, no! No, no, no, no!

He must know a better way to our house!

Tessie!

What's happening doesn't match what you're saying!

Keep going straight.

I thought Helen's was near your house?

Wendi, don't ask a million questions...

just go with the flow.

You wanted me to have fun, right?

Or maybe we should just go home...

No, a-absolutely, we'll go wherever you want.

My mom was big on loyalty,

and planned to put Wendi to the test

before letting this upstart crack our family circle.

Mom didn't have a license

but was completely in the driver's seat.

Get on the Five Freeway.

I couldn't reach Dad.

Maybe he'll buy his lunch today.

When did a ham sandwich go up to 75 cents?

That's ridiculous.

Lou.

- Yeah? - I'm running home.

Are you new here?

Dad's not gonna want to pay for lunch

when he has a free sandwich waiting at home.

He still talks about what a deal World War II was

because the Army paid for his meals.

I am gonna tell him and Mom everything!

You guys are gonna be in so much trouble.

William, untie me!

Or I'll smack you.

Well, you are bigger than me,

but Eddie's bigger than you,

so according to the transitive property of smacking...

sorry, outta luck.

If Dad got off for lunch five minutes ago,

he's gonna be here any minute.

Oh. What if he doesn't have to come inside?

His car pulls up, I just run out and give him his sandwich!

Problem solved.

What?

Oh.

This is nice.

Oh, wow, Mrs. Cleary.

- This place is very chichi. - What?

You're saying these rich people are better than us?

Trick question... of course they are.

But they don't know that.

Whatever I do, play along.

I don't think we should...

Hi. We're here for haircuts.

We're "appointment only." And we're solidly booked.

Excuse me.

It's for the best.

I wouldn't know what to ask for here anyway.

Don't be silly.

We didn't do freeway-driving to give up now.

Do you have my back?

Okay...

Um, I believe we're down for 2:00,

but we're very early.

I'm Simone and this is Bianca.

I think we can accommodate you now.

Does that work for you, Bianca?

Ciao?

You have any children, Simone?

Mm. As a matter of fact, I have eight adorable Pekingeses.

Oh.

I think about 'em like my children.

Actually, I sell their children.

I'm a breeder.

I will have to give you my number.

- I love Chinese dogs! - No.

Eight? That seems like too many.

Oh, I think that every day, Valentín.

Bianca has an interesting hobby...

falconry.

Tell 'em all about Hercules.

I have a falcon.

And his name is Hercules.

You two are the living end.

Don't go anywhere.

Valentín, right back.

Uh, those are the girls upstairs.

What are we doing, Mrs. Cleary?

We are doing very little.

I'm doing all the heavy lifting here.

"I have a falcon. His name is Hercules."

- You're gonna blow this. - "Blow this"?

What are gonna do when Simone and Bianca get here?

You think we can't take a Simone and a Bianca?

They probably weigh 12 pounds between 'em.

- Champagne? - Oh, thank you.

That's nice.

Mm.

Hm?

Don't worry. I'm not gonna tell your mom.

I thought you didn't drink.

Mike abstains...

a lot of sad boozers on his side.

But I've been known to sneak a sip every now and again.

You know how that is.

Don't you?

You snooze, you lose.

Mm-hmm.

Pat, if he likes you so much,

why is he running away?

He's not running, he's playing!

No. No! Pat, no, stop!

Don't go in there!

There could be a sewer wolf in there

or a crazed hobo with a thirst for blood!

There isn't!

Where's Tessie?

I don't know. That pipe was like a mile long.

- Tessie! - No!

C'mon, William, you're better than these guys.

Just free me.

Better yet, I'll free your imagination.

Oh, no.

"Quaytar sat on a dune in the middle

of the Logorian desert

reflecting on the struggle of the Magoryite people.

- Was it in his destiny"... - I hate you so much.

You're telling me this is the last of the meatloaf?

Why'd you have to take such a big bite?

'Cause it's the last of the meatloaf.

Spread it out so it reaches the edge of the bread.

There you go, a meatloaf comb-over.

There's not enough of it!

Well, her meatloaf's mostly bread crumbs anyway.

We could fill it up with crackers and... and ketchup.

Joey, watch for Dad so we know when he gets here.

He's here.

- There, I helped. - No!

Go outside and stall. I need another minute.

Hey, Pop. ¿Qué pasa?

I forgot my damn lunch.

- And speak English. - Hold on.

I'm gonna be straight with you, okay?

I was sent out here to stall you

so you don't see some dicey stuff

that's going on inside right now.

The good news is you're gonna get your sandwich.

- Where's your mother? - Exactly the type of question

that'll just get you drawn in deeper.

Look.

I know you're a man with a lot on his plate.

You really want to take this on?

Is anyone hurt or in danger?

Nothing that can't be cleaned up before you get home at 6:00.

Oh, hey.

Here's your sandwich, Dad.

If anything has happened to the TV,

this is a whole different discussion.

Whoa.

Oh, I like it, Ken.

This was definitely worth hiring those eight dog-sitters.

Oh.

What do you think, Bianca?

Wow, I feel like a whole new person...

named Bianca.

You can take care of business out front.

And we now accept Diners Club.

Of course you do.

Lovely to meet you gals.

You two are a gas.

Oh, come on. You two.

We'll see you soon.

Oh, huh.

Mrs. Cleary, I can't let you pay for that.

I have no intention of paying this amount.

Helen never charged more than $10.

And she'd take a buck off if you brought your own shampoo.

I'm gonna give 'em $20 for both of us.

And that's more than fair.

I don't think you get to choose how much it costs.

You do if you're heading out the back.

You with me?

You can't just...

I can't believe you did that!

Well, if you feel bad, you can go give your hairdo back.

"And as the green sun set over the Vale of Lothar,

Quaytar wondered if he would ever see

his beloved Persefony again."

Alright. You've suffered enough.

You can come inside now.

About dang time.

I wasn't talking to you. William.

No! Wait. Don't leave me out here.

I don't even know what's gonna happen to Quaytar.

A-At least tell me how the story ends!

Do you promise to keep your mouth shut

when Mom comes home?

Okay, untie him and read him the book.

That was terrifying, Mrs. Cleary.

You scare me.

You know what scares me, hon?

New people.

Coming to my house, sniffing around my family.

It's not easy for me to trust.

But you proved yourself to me today...

backing me up the way you did and stealing a hairdo.

So this was all a...?

A test.

And you passed, Bianca.

Your loyalty today almost makes up

for the bald-faced lying you did back at the house.

Suddenly all worried that I need a day off?

Well, sure, you work so hard and...

Stop. The last person to pull one over on me

was Bunny Delmonte.

Never trusted that woman.

But you went to her funeral.

Just to make sure she was dead.

So, are you ready to tell me the truth

about what happened in Eddie's room?

Yes, um...

I'm sorry.

There was this bottle of Detroit Champagne

that we were gonna drink at the meteor shower tonight

and...

it broke.

I broke it.

You broke it?

It was all my idea, my bottle of wine.

And Eddie didn't know about it?

No, ma'am.

Well, I know for a fact that's a lie...

Mrs. Cleary...

But it's the right lie.

As much as I appreciate your loyalty to me,

you protecting Eddie is something I appreciate more.

He's not my most devious offspring.

He's gonna need people who have his back.

With the right friends, I could see him

adding value to society one day.

You know, as a milkman or something.

He can do more than that.

Calm down, honey. You got the job.

I really admire how devoted you are to your children, Mrs. Cleary.

That I am.

But I'm not fanatical about it.

Keep driving.

I think this is where our journey with Tessie ends, Pat.

It's okay to be sad, boy.

This isn't "goodbye," it's just...

Okay, bye!

He'll turn up, sweetie, I swear.

Do you understand why she's crying?

I'd feel the same way if I ever lost Tessie.

I'm home!

- Eddie. - Mom.

- House looks great. - Thanks.

I didn't get a chance to start on my room,

so it looks exactly how it did when you left.

I gotta say, Mom, doing all your stuff for one day

gave me a whole new appreciation.

I finally get why you're so mean.

What's that little pink speck there on the crucifix?

It's the blood of Christ.

Look, it wipes right off.

There.

It's good as new.

Hm.

"As he left Crayton,

he looked back at the nine rings of his home planet

and knew that his past would always be his future."

So that's the secret of Quaytar.

Or is it?

Whoa...

I told you, Pop.

I'm a man of my word.

Meantime, the Watergate grand jury is back in session,

calling dirty tricks expert...

Okay, then.

Even though we often went our separate ways

and had our own adventures,

dinner was the time we could come together

as a family and avoid talking about our day.

Eddie, good job with the Stouffer's Frozen Lasagna.

50 minutes at 425.

I like the way Mom cuts it into perfect squares.

I don't know what to do with this mess.

Nothing beats your mom's meatloaf sandwich.

Today's was the best ever.

Tasted the same to me.

- We need a dog. - I vote no.

Dog's a big responsibility.

Not like a fish or a cat

where it doesn't matter if you keep it alive.

- Mm-hmm. - I can handle big responsibilities.

Okay, then, we've got that leak in the roof.

You get up there and fix that, then we'll talk dog.

Yay!

I cannot believe it.

Is nobody even going to bring up the real crime here today?

The fact that no one has even told Mom yet

how lovely her hair looks.

Oh, Frank.

Thank you.

Real nice hair, Peg.

You could be one of those Gabor sisters.

Yeah. You know, I completely, 100% agree.

Beautiful.

Hm.

Hi, Mrs. Cleary.

Oh, there you are, Wendi.

Aren't you gonna compliment her on her hairdo?

Yeah, of course.

Look at all that.

You ready to go?

We're headed up to Hansen Dam to watch the meteor shower.

That's a lot of interest in Astronomy

for a guy who got a C-minus.

I believe my friend Wendi is staying with us tonight.

Your mom wants to teach me how to decoupage.

She's amazing and so crafty.

She's definitely crafty.

- Hm. - Seems a shame

to miss the Perseids Maximus tonight.

- I'll go with you, buddy. - Ah.

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