Original subtitles

CLOCK STRIKES 11

TRAIN WHISTLES

Oh, er, excuse me, could you tell me the way to Nutbourne College?

You must be the new English Master, Tassell?

Right? - Yes, that's right, Richard Tassell.

My name's Billings. I teach maths here.

Oh. - The carriage should be without.

BlLLlNGS: Hello, Rainbow, old scout. - How are you, sir?

How was Mon Repos, Southsea? - Oh, middlin', sir.

This is Mr Tassell, the new English Master.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

You'd better keep on the right side of Rainbow -

he runs the school and knows the country.

Black market whisky, butter, eggs...

Anything, at a price.

Right, Rainbow? - Times are difficult, sir.

Is this your first appointment? - Yes.

Ex-service? - Army.

Pond interviewed you, I suppose. What d'you make of him?

Seemed quite pleasant. - He's bats.

You're going to loathe it here, you know.

That's a fine way of introducing me to it, I must say!

I see you've been putting in a spot of work on the garden for a change, Rainbow.

Er, that's Mr Pond, sir.

He's been on at me and Edwin all the week...

Clean this up, paint that...

Hasn't given us a moment.

Must be expecting a gaggle of parents.

RAlNBOW GRUNTS

BlLLlNGS: There are six cottages in the village...

a pub, and a post office...

...We're now entering the main hall of the noble pile.

According to history, it goes back to Henry Vlll.

According to the bank, it goes back to them

unless Pond keeps up with his payments.

A fine old staircase... - TASSELL: Hmm.

BlLLlNGS:: Until you have to climb it twenty times a day!:

This is the common room -

haven from howling kids and the back-parlour of our domestic life.

You'll find your evening here rollicking.

Matthews, he's the Second Master, plays a good hand of ecarte.

Jou�, here, suffers from insomnia.

Takes French, and he plays backgammon.

When he's awake.

I'll introduce you to him later.

What about you? What do you do?

Football pools. I once won 30 bob - it's lead me astray ever since...

CAR HORN SOUNDS - TASSELL: What on earth's that?

BlLLlNGS:: Hyde-Brown - known to the natives as Whizzo...

...He's the Sports Master. He's the only chap who isn't really affected by this place.

Well, I 'm sorry if I'm painting a gloomy picture.

BlLLlNGS:: Oh, hello, Ramsden...

...This is Tassell, the new English Master.

How do you do? - TASSELL: How d'you do?

BILLlNGS: He's the Science Master.

We call him the ghost of Nutbourne.

Ha! How are you, Billings, you jaundiced swine?

Had a devil of a journey... Thought I 'd never make it!

Nearly ran out of juice.

Must get old Rainbow to get me some more petrol coupons...

Hello?

Hello, that you, Joan, dear?

Get me Ashfield 69.

Not going to pay what he asked last term.

Seven bob a gallon.

This is Tassell, the new Englisher. Victor Hyde-Brown.

How are you, old boy?

Hello? Hello, that you, Alf? Vic here.

Look, what won the 4:30? Oh.

HYDE-BROWN: What were second and third? Oh.

Did, er, Windsor Cottage run?

Oh, thanks. Just my luck!

BlLLlNGS: I say, Tassell, you can have this cupboard.

Here... what's that ass Pond been up to?

This place hasn't had a coat of paint since they took the photos for the prospectus.

HYDE-BROWN: I say, you chaps, take a butcher's at these!

Er, this is a little job I ran across in a joint in Montmartre.

HYDE-BROWN: She comes from Birkenhead, actually...

...Er, the one with the advanced ideas, that's Jeanne.

Won't you ever grow up? - I certainly hope not.

That's Yvette. What a scorcher! Talk about l'amour, old man.

BlLLlNGS: From which you'll gather Brownie is interested in a wide variety of sports.

Ah, there you are, Billings. I expected you earlier today.

I'm not going to run through the second fifteen fixtures or anything of that sort.

What is it? - I put a notice on the board.

Ah, Mr Tassell, I take it. How d'you do?

How d'you do? - I 'm Matthews, the Second Master.

You'll find us a very happy family here. - Since when?

Well, what is it on the board, Mattie?

Really, really, Billings - it's only three yards!

Mr Pond wants us to go to tea today. - BlLLlNGS: Tea?

That's the first time old Pond ever coughed up tea!

HYDE-BROWN: What's the idea? - I haven't the remotest notion.

But it's about five thirty and I saw Mrs Hampstead going in with the tea about two minutes ago.

Well, we have no alternative but to investigate this strange phenomenon. Let's go.

Oh, do you want Weary Willie?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. And before term's started!

M'sieur Jou�. Wake up, M'sieur Jou�! Wake up!

J'aurais, tu auras, il aura...

He hasn't had old Rainbow and Edwin skipping around all day for nothing!

BlLLlNGS: If Pond's dishing out a free bun-fight there's something brewing apart from tea...

HYDE-BROWN: Maybe he's getting married. Bringing the lady down here to impress her.

BlLLlNGS: The day Pond exchanges a smile with a woman...

...I 'll dance the hornpipe naked on the village green...

...As for anything in this dump impressing anyone but a Chinese workhouse master...

KNOCKS AT DOOR - Come in, gentlemen, please.

Excuse me. Tea is served, I think...

Mr Tassell, welcome to Nutbourne. Delighted to have you join us.

My colleagues, I 'm sure, will tell you all that you need to know about the school.

Right, Billings?

Sit down, gentlemen, sit down...

Lend me a hand with the tea, Billings, will you, please?

Well, I hope you all enjoyed your vacations...

Come in, Matthews, come in Jou�...

And here we are all once again back in the harness

and I for one can say that I 'm not sorry.

Sit down, Ramsden...

Yes, it's fifteen years almost to the day since I first...

Don't forget the sugar, Billings.

Fifteen years since I came here.

And I may say it's fifteen years that I shall look back on with very deepest affection.

There'll be many more to look back upon before you and Nutbourne part company, sir.

I appreciate that sentiment, Matthews.

But I 'm afraid it's a pleasure that may not be granted to me.

Oh, come, sir... - POND LAUGHS

Are those crumpets? - I don't know.

POND: As a matter of fact, that is why I 've asked you all to come here.

You see, there is a distinct possibility that l...

I may be translated to a higher sphere.

Not your heart again, sir?

My heart is perfectly all right, Billings.

No. I 'm being urged to consider a position elsewhere.

No, sir! - Yes, the Headmastership of Harlingham.

But that's a decent school, one of the majors!

This is a very great shock to us.

MATTHEWS: I hardly dare think what would happen to Nutbourne if you left.

It would be a tremendous wrench for me too, Matthews.

Crumpets it is. Plates, Billings.

But I think you'll agree, Matthews, that the call of duty comes before even that of affection.

And the call of duty would be stronger at Harlingham, sir?

I have always felt that the highest aim of a teacher

is to sow the seeds of knowledge over ever wider and more fertile fields.

We are a comparatively small school here

and, judging from recent examination results, not... not abundantly fertile.

Give Jou� his tea, will you, Billings, please?

Which brings me to my second point.

The governors of Harlingham will shortly be visiting here to study my methods...

Then you haven't cornered the job yet, sir?

That problem is a mutual one, Billings.

Will Harlingham suit me?

Will I be equal to Harlingham? - I 'm confident of that, sir.

Thank you, Matthews.

But I'm sure with your co-operation, gentlemen... Perhaps a little... Iittle extra effort

we can show the governors of Harlingham that our school is every bit as good as...

Ramsden.

Will you please sit down?

Oh, and bearing this in mind, M'sieur Jou�

do you think you might contrive to spend a little more of the day with us?

Thank you, Jou�. Oh, and you, Billings...

Billings, do you think you could devote a little more of your time to obtaining class results

and a little less to trying to forecast the football variety?

Good.

And talking of football, Hyde-Brown

I seem to recall that last year our first fifteen lost eleven out of the twelve matches.

Might I suggest in your case a little more of the coach

a little less of the Coach and Horses?

Oh, I say, that's a bit of a reflection, isn't it, sir?

Come, come, come, come, come, come.

You mustn't think, gentlemen, that I make these comments in any spirit of carping criticism.

On the contrary.

Beggin' your pardon, sir. I wonder if you'd mind tellin' me how many new boys there is this term?

Rainbow, you know better than to interrupt me in the middle of a conference.

I gave you a note this morning, we're expecting two.

You may be expectin' two, sir. You're going to get a hundred and two.

See Mr Matthews about it later and go away now, please!

I 'm sorry, gentlemen... - Two hundred and seventeen trunks.

Two hundred and seventeen tuck boxes, it says here.

Invoice seven three four eight...

Er, British Railways.

Rainbow, I'm not in the least concerned about what the British Railways think.

It is obviously the mistake of some stupid clerk.

Now, take it away now. Take it away and forget about it.

Can't hardly forget two hundred and seventeen trunks and tuck boxes, sir.

Really, this is worse than teaching algebra to the removed.

It is only on paper, man. On paper.

Take a look at the drive, sir.

The drive?

Two hundred and seventeen trunks and tuck boxes!

POND: Two hundred and seventeen? Good gracious!

And all correct too, sir. I counted them.

This is what comes of nationalising the railways.

The fellows don't know their L.M.S from their Southern Region.

I mean, instead of the ordinary muddle we've complete chaos!

Look, Rainbow, you and Edwin will have to sort out all those trunks

and send those that don't belong to us back to the station.

How do I know which belong and which don't, sir?

Mr Billings will give you the school register.

If there's any clash about names you can tell by the initials.

For instance, here we have a D. Johnson.

Now, we have an A. Johnson, but no...

But this is addressed to St Swithins', Nutbourne College, Nutbourne, Hants.

There's another St Swithins' here, sir.

I suppose this isn't some fourth form prank?

I don't offer this as a solution, sir

but a letter came this morning addressed to Secretary of St Swithins'.

What did you do with it?

I marked it 'unknown' and returned it to the Ministry.

The Ministry? The Ministry wrote to St Swithins' here?

Yes, sir. - And you didn't open it?

Oh, no, no, of course not. - RAlNBOW: Excuse me, sir.

But I may be able to offer a helping hand here, sir. - Oh?

You know the postman is supposed to clear the box in the hall at mid-day?

Yes, yes, yes. Well?

Well, as a result of an arrangement between him and me

I've been in the habit of taking the post to the village for him.

And today you haven't?

Not yet, but, er, I've got the key, sir.

I see.

Then the G.P.O. don't receive the letters until you hand them over in the village post office?

Er, pub, sir...

That poses a pretty problem as to when exactly the letters become the property of the post office.

It's not a problem I intend to go into too deeply, Mr Billings. Thank you, Rainbow.

POND: The attached form E.43 should also be signed...

...by a responsible representative of the school whose premises are being shared.

Premises being shared?

What on earth could have happened?

Name of school to be revacuated...

Revacuated... what on earth's revacuated?

Somebody's written against it St Swithins'!

That's them.

Destination, Nutbourne College, Hants. - Us.

Date of arrival, 17th September... - Today.

It can't, I mean, it can't... It ca...

Look, I'll get onto this government department at once.

Somebody's made some nonsensical blunder.

Whitehall 1312, please.

POND: That anyone should send a school here without first consulting me...

...It's... it's outside the bounds of possibility.

Shall I stop Rainbow taking that luggage to the station?

Certainly not.

If the Ministry make some fatuous error...

Hello, I want to speak to the schools resettlement department, please.

POND: I beg your pardon?

But there must be somebody there...

Then put me on to somebody somewhere else...

Nobody?

It's fantastic. It's absolutely fantastic!

They've closed the office and gone home.

So, at any moment, we may expect one hundred extra boys.

Well, I must talk to Mrs Hampstead at once.

One hundred extra boys with staff, I presume.

Not even a postcard to let us know they're coming!

Nothing we can do about it, apparently, until I talk to somebody responsible in the morning.

But we've barely enough space for our own boys, sir...

You rang, sir? - POND: I did.

Mrs Hampstead, you will prepare to receive two hundred and seventeen boys.

Pardon?

One hundred and seventeen of our boys, and one hundred from another school.

I see.

The other school will remain for one night only.

Now, let me get this clear, sir.

I 'm to expect two hundred and seventeen boys tonight.

That's right.

Now, there's only one way to deal with a crisis like this...

First... - What are they going to eat?

Hmm? Well, er...

They'll have what we have, of course. - Well, if they have it, we won't.

Mrs Hampstead, do you mind if we deal with first things first?

With small boys, that comes first.

Now then. Where are they going to sleep?

Obviously there's no room in the dormitories

so, er, we'll have to find somewhere else.

You know, if I go to Harlingham, I'll be dealing with far greater numbers of boys.

This might prove a blessing in disguise.

BlLLlNGS: That's one way of looking at it. - Yes!

Well, gentlemen, I propose we make a tour of the school.

I 'm sure with a little application we can settle the whole problem.

TASSELL: Shall I tell Rainbow to unload those trunks before he takes them to the station, sir?

Oh, yes. Thank you very much, Tassell. I 'd forgotten all about them.

POND: Come along, everbody.

Oh, Matthews.

As to bedding, we've all those straw palliases we use in the summer camp!

I'll have Rainbow get them out. - If you don't mind, sir...

...while you're running around, I'll slip down and break the good news to Cook.

Mrs Hampstead, we are faced with an emergency. I expect the staff to rise to it.

They'll rise alright. - Good.

Whew, I dunno how it's ever gonna get as far as the station.

No, l, er, don't know that it is.

How long did it take you to load that lot?

Oh, twenty-five minutes.

Well, you've got a chance to beat it. You've got to unload it again.

Huh? - St Swithins' is coming to stay for the night.

You're not really speaking in earnest, are you?

That's the strength of it, sorry...

Whew!

Somebody must've gone barmy.

One hundred bloomin' extra kids, first day of term! Huh!

Your turn to do the shoes.

The staff sleeping problem presents some difficulties

but we'll overcome them. Whose room is this?

Hyde-Brown's and mine.

Pleasant Iittle room.

Yes, now, let me see, do you think we might put...

put two more beds in here, hmm? Any difficulties?

None, except how to get into bed.

You're not adopting a very helpful attitude, Billings.

Look... Iook, we are obliged to offer this school our hospitality.

I suggest we do it with grace.

I feel it is not too much to ask you to share your rooms with the staff of St Swithins'.

I doubt whether we could find suitable accommodation for their Headmaster, sir.

If you are looking to me to give you a lead, Billings

I may say that I shall be only too glad to share my room with the opposite number in St Swithins'.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: As I expected... An ancient mausoleum.

Topping grounds for the Guides and Brownies to muster in.

The mustering of the Guides and Brownies is not our only activity, Miss Gossage.

No...

If there are any dorms facing south, Miss Jezzard

you'll make it your business to see that our girls get them.

The infant animal needs space to breathe and blow...

Of course, we could settle the whole thing quickly by sleeping the kids two in a bed, end to end.

We've the parents to consider, Billings.

After all, we must appear to give them value for their money.

No... I 'm afraid we must seek other fields for St Swithins'...

That's a thought. - Hmm?

Fields, sir.

Yes, I 'm quite sure, Hyde-Brown, your ready wit must make you exceedingly popular in the fourth form.

Heavenly place...

DOORBELL RlNGS

I've never heard of anything like it.

Mr Pond may think he's obliging someone but he's not obliging us.

We're not slaves, you know! - Nobody said you were.

The front doorbell's ringing, Millie. - Oh, let it ring!

I shall speak to Mr Hyde-Brown about this.

Evidently not on their toes.

We'll try our luck inside.

Well, a tap on that gong should bring them from their burrows.

Yes, Miss Whitchurch.

GONG SOUNDS LOUDLY

A tap, Gossage, I said a tap.

You're not introducing a film.

We're not getting on very fast, gentlemen.

You don't seem to realise there are still sixty boys to accommodate.

Matthews, find out who's ringing that gong.

If it's one of the boys back already, give him a hundred lines.

There must be somewhere else.

POND: The attic.

We can't bumble around here all day.

What's in there?

It's another sort of hall, Miss Whitchurch.

I seem to detect an odour of last term's cottage pie!

MlSS WHlTCHURCH CLEARS THROAT

Yes, well, when Rainbow has cleaned all this up

there ought to be room here for, oh, sixty boys.

What about air, sir? - Air?

Let me see now. Well, if we open this skylight...

And I daresay it'll open... And keep the hatch wide, there ought to be a nice through-draft.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: Well, I'm wondering more and more what's in store for us, Gossage...

...It's a perfectly ghoulish atmosphere...

...The sunlight seems quite out of place...

...No polish on the stairs or bannisters and dust everywhere.

Whatever else they teach here, it certainly isn't housecraft.

Are you in the habit of writing your name all over the place, Gossage?

No, Miss Whitchurch. - Then kindly stop doing it at once.

Well, the mistress's common room, I assume!

Huh.

Cold comfort farm, by all appearances.

Billiards.

How very strange.

No tips.

Hunting, shooting and fishing, it seems.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: 'Wetherby Pond, 1939.' But no mention of who caught it.

Probably bought at auction.

Boxing! Self-defence, I suppose.

Doesn't surprise me after reading the school motto.

No...

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: Heavy smokers too. No signs of lipstick. That's astonishing.

Cards?

A race horse?

Gaming, nicotine, fisticuffs...

We're moving in a descending spiral of iniquity!

Ah!

A woman's bookshelf is an infallible guide to her character.

Oxford English Dictionary... Dictionary of Phrase and Fable...

The Diary of Samuel Pepys, abridged. Well, that's something to be thankful for.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: What's up here?

Memoirs of Casanova...

Wasn't that the book we caught Jessica James reading in the closet?

Yes. - Yes...

Decameron Nights...

Well, really!

Whatever else this establishment may or may not be

it's clearly not a suitable place to bring carefully nurtured girls.

I should jolly well say not. - But what can we do about it?

Well, we must tell the Ministry. They go us into it... They must get us out of it.

Well, that settles the sleeping question.

Now as to meals...

Well, it looks as if Cook will simply have to stagger them.

Well, that shouldn't be difficult. - Of course not. Come along.

Rainbow can bring down the table from... from the carpenter's shop.

What's this 'Gossage'? Hmm?

Some of the boys starting to arrive?

Give the boy who wrote his name there fifty lines.

Gossage? I don't know any Gossages...

Maybe it's a St Swithins' kid. - POND: Then give him fifty lines.

I'll not have their boys coming here, writing their names over all our dust...

Who's that?

Er, little girl? - Yes.

Who... who... who are you? I mean, what do you want?

This is Nutbourne College? - BARBARA: That's right.

I've just biked on ahead with Miss Harper's things.

She's with the crocodile.

Crocodile? What on earth's she talking about?

Who... who... who's Miss Harper?

Miss Harper? Oh, she's English and History and jolly dee.

In fact, she's the only decent mistress in St Swithins'.

St Swithins'...

You don't mean to say that yours is a school of boys and girls?

BARBARA: Oh, no!

Only girls.

Does this mean, sir, that we are to expect one hundred young ladies?

It means that not only have the ministry made a mistake in sending a school here at all

but they've apparently been guilty of an appalling sexual aborration.

I shall ask for the home number of the man responsible.

If they refuse, I shall speak to the Minister himself.

D'you know what this means, old boy? Popsies. Scores of 'em.

There are only two type of school mistress, chum. The battleaxe and the amazon.

I bet you five bob they fall into one class or the other.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: The condition of the place is indescribable. Dust and dirt everywhere.

And the staff seem to match their surroundings.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: At all events, I've seen quite enough to know...

...that it's no place to bring well brought-up girls to.

I agree with that last statement, madam.

Now will you kindly remove yourself from my chair, my desk, my telephone.

I 'm sorry, I didn't catch what you said, l...

I said will you kindly remove yourself from my telephone.

Will you please refrain from interfering!

I don't know who you are, but I 'm in the middle of an important conversation with the Ministry.

Hello? Well, l... - Give me my telephone!

Will you desist at once, sir! - Madam, you leave me no alternative.

How dare you, sir! - How dare you, madam!

Hello, hello, this is Wetherby Pond speaking.

POND: The Headmaster of Nutbourne College...

...Look, I don't know how much you know about what's been going on here...

...but I find it difficult to speak temperately about it.

I will not have a girls' school on my premises, not for a single day, not for a single hour. Not...

Look, I don't want your sympathy, man. I want action.

I want these women removed, bag and baggage.

And if the last train's gone, you must lay on a special.

Anyway, I 'm not putting down this telephone until I know what you're going to do about it.

Have I made myself clear?

Oh, yeah, I understand!

But I think you'd better 'ave a word with the guvnor when 'e comes back.

POND: Where is he? - Eh?

I fink 'e's stokin the boilers.

To whom am I talking?

You were speaking to the Junior Assistant Caretaker.

The Ministry is closed.

I take it you're some sort of official in this girls' school?

I don't like your tone, my man!

I 'll answer you when you're in possession of yourself.

Madam, I am well able to control myself

unaccustomed as I am to having girls' schools thrust upon me

I have no doubt in the years to come I shall look upon all this as amusing.

Well, I shan't.

I suggest the only solution is to send your girls back home until the whole position is rectified.

Out of the question. At least fifty of my girls come from the colonies.

St Swithins' specialises in outposts.

Madam, I 'm not in the least concerned where they come from

or even if the sun never sets upon them.

It is impossible for them to remain here.

It is equally impossible for them to go elsewhere.

At any moment now they'll be arriving.

Hot and tired from their journey

bursting for a hot bath and peckish for their high tea.

By the way, ahem, my name is Whitchurch.

I am Principal of St Swithins'.

Oh.

How d'you... How d'you do.

And what's more I make it a rule that my junior school

go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire at six thirty sharp

with their milk and biscuits... digestive... have you digestive?

I don't know.

But if there are any, they'll be eaten by my boys.

Oh, come now, it's no use playing dog in the manger.

Let us face this squarely.

Which day do your boys arrive? - Today, at six fifteen.

Hot, tired and peckish for their high tea.

Yes, I see your problem. - I'm grateful for that.

Well, we must don our thinking caps.

Madam, I'm not donning anything.

We've just been hurled out of our common room...

By a bunch of ruffians...

One of them - a foreigner, I fancy - got hold of my arm and pulled me out of my chair!

Miss Whitchurch, you realise where we are?

You don't imagine I 've been here indulging in social chit-chat?

Mr Pond, permit me to introduce my staff.

No. No, no, no, no.

I... I don't want to appear rude, but there's no point in meeting them

since they're not going to remain here.

Look, madam, I really am surprised that a woman in your position should...

...should ignore the domestic absurdity of bringing a hundred girls here.

There are feeding problems, servant problems.

There's no problem there, sir. They're leaving.

MlSS ARMSTRONG, OUTSlDE: Left, right, left, right, left, right...

Oh, good egg, here comes our croc.

And there goes ours...

Three years it's taken me to get a good kitchen staff.

POND: What am I to do? - Well, that's childishly simple.

You forget you have a girls' school with you.

Forget!

It will provide an absolutely superb opportunity

for my advanced cookery girls to show their paces.

No, madam. Not that. Not that!

That's more than flesh and blood can stand.

I'll go through purgatory with you madam, but hell no.

Hell no.

I owe you a dollar.

BlLLlNGS: Thanks.

We're in for a whale of a time.

Morris dancing in the gym, eurythmics on the lawn...

Queues for the bathroom, no smoking anywhere and compulsory cocoa at eleven.

Well, I'm for a couple of voluntary pints at the Coach and Horses before the little beasts arrive.

Any takers?

I 'll gladly stand anyone a pint if they would care to join me.

I'm a lifelong teetotaler but I'm almost inclined to accept Brown's invitation.

I'm going to.

Is this right? - That's right, press on - straight ahead.

Let me...

I suppose this costs me five bob. - Yes. Cheap at the price!

Good afternoon. - Good afternoon.

Oh, I 'm sorry. - That's quite all right. Allow me.

Thank you.

I'm Richard Tassell. I teach English here.

So do l, but I don't quite understand... - Well, we'll have something in common, won't we?

I'm Victor Hyde-Brown, Sports Master here.

Sports Master? - Oh, won't you sit down, Miss... Miss...?

Harper. - JOU�: Harper.

The rot's setting in...

Cigarette? - Thank you.

You know, I never expected anything like this.

How many mistresses have you? - Well, l, er...

POND: Er, gentlemen...

I must talk to you gentlemen.

We are in an unprecedented predicament. We...

Miss Harper, Mr Pond. - How d'you do.

How d'you do. You'll find your colleagues in the first door on the right.

May I leave my things here? - Yes, of course.

Who is he? - I 'll explain later.

POND: Hyde-Brown, will you please close that door?

DOOR CLOSES - Thank you.

Now, gentlemen. We are faced with an appalling dilemma.

We have a wooden horse in our midst.

Possession is nine points of the law.

Our girls are in the hall, their boys haven't arrived.

Come in, Miss Harper.

Did you pass a long, bald-headed person?

If you mean a man called Pond, he's in the common room.

Excellent. We'll find out where their dormitories are and take our girls there.

Ladies, you are facing your supreme test.

Remember our netball cry... - Effort, St Swithins'. Effort!

Quite so, Miss Gossage.

If trespassers threaten your property, you build fences. Hmm?

I propose we lock the dormitories. BlLLlNGS: Hear, hear.

But we must act before that female spawns her young all over the building.

Now, Billings, you will take the fourth form dormitory and Hyde-Brown, the fifth.

And Matthew and Jou� the third and the sixth.

Have you got a key to the common room, sir?

POND: We don't have to lock this room, Billings.

No. And we can't unlock it unless you've got a key.

Is this a practical joke? - The key's on the outside.

This is the last straw.

Come along now, hurry up. We've got plenty to do.

Stand by, Tennyson and Longfellow.

Forward, Miss Armstrong. As quick as you can. No time to lose.

Hyde-Brown, the honour of Nutbourne is at steak.

Oh, alright, I'll have a go.

But there's not much use unlocking the stable door after the horses have got there first.

What's happening up there? - Hey, look up there!

Gosh, it's old Whizzo! - Hey, Whizzo!

BlCYCLE BELLS RlNG

POND: That's it, Hyde-Brown. That's it, press on.

BOYS SHOUT AND WHlSTLE

There's nothing to be afraid of.

POND: That's it, you're almost there.

You're doing splendidly, Hyde-Brown.

POND: Carry on, Hyde-Brown. - BOY: Come on, Whizzo!

BOY: What's wrong with the stairs?

Carry on, Hyde-Brown.

Go away at once, you boys!

Go straight upstairs to your dormitories and stay there until I call you.

POND: I warn you, any boy left hanging about will get five hundred lines.

POND: Now then, one leg and you've done it!

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: Now, Tennyson and Longfellow, settle down as quickly as you can.

I'll have that trunk sent up in a few minutes, Miss Harper.

MlSS HARPER: Very well, Miss Whitchurch.

Oh, not in here, Miss Gossage.

Follow me, Milton and Browning, as quick as you can. No dawdling.

I say, Talbot - there's girls in our dormitory!

WARD: Girls? Where?

UNSWORTH: Hundreds of them! Go and see for yourself, they're everywhere!

ROSS: Have you gone potty? - What are you talking about?

Go and see for yourself. They're all over the place!

He's right, there are girls in the dormitory!

That's what I 've been trying to tell them! - Come on, let's see!

This way, Milton and Browning.

Come along, girls, come along.

I realise it's not quite what you're accustomed to.

A GlRL SCREAMS

Heavens above! What's that? - Trouble already.

Sounds like something in Tennyson. - We must go and see at once.

CHlLDREN SHOUT

WHlSTLE SOUNDS FEEBLY

MATTHEWS: Aren't you going to stop them, sir?

There are times, I think, when little boys should be seen but not interrupted.

Come.

COCK CROWS

BELL RlNGS

Where am l? - In the French Master's bed.

SOMEONE SNORES

BELL RlNGS

BELL RlNGS DISTANTLY

Madam, l...

Really, this is too much.

I give up my bedroom to you, only to find my clothes flung all over the place.

Look, madam, where are my shirts and underwear? - In the filing cabinet.

It's no use telephoning the Ministry.

There won't be anybody there before ten o'clock.

Well, it's rough and ready, Jezzard, but it'll serve. - Yes.

There we are. - Thank you.

Now we'd better see how they're faring in the kitchen.

Breakfast is at eight sharp, so don't loiter.

DOOR SLAMS

Good morning, girls. - Good morning, Miss Whitchurch.

Everything shipshape and Bristol fashion? - Yes, Miss Whitchurch.

I'm afraid we shall be a Iittle late.

The fishcakes are ready but there's a hold-up with the porridge.

Why, what's the trouble there? - I had to throw one lot away.

That'll never do.

Come now, Angela, you've made porridge before.

Yes, but no one had to eat it.

That's a defeatist attitude, my dear.

Stir it well and don't shilly-shally.

Now, now, now, Mary!

You know better than to make tea in that haphazard fashion!

How many people are you making it for?

Two hundred and thirty three. - Good.

Then put in two hundred and thirty three teaspoonsful

and one, well, perhaps two, for the pot.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH CLEARS HER THROAT

One... two...

I understand your fishcakes are ready, Alice.

They've been ready for twenty minutes.

We don't want any temperament, my dear.

What did you put in them? Or shouldn't I ask?

SHE LAUGHS

Anyway, they smell delicious.

They've gone hard. - Never mind.

I don't suppose hungry little tummies will notice a thing like that.

They will afterwards.

Twenty-eight... twenty-nine... one hundred and thirty...

These little adventures break the monotony in school life, don't they, Mr Billings?

I love monotony. - Oh.

Morning, Mr Pond.

Oh.

I think I'll just have tea and toast today.

It's five past eight.

Well, there's been a slight hiatus with the porridge

but it's all going swimmingly now. Shall we move in?

What form of grace do you say here?

Well, I usually ask that we should be grateful for what we're about to receive.

Please, sir, I don't want any more. No, sir.

Oh, very well.

It's still Arkwright but he's trying to put me on to a Mr Tripp.

Apparently, a Mr Bullock got the papers from a Mr Forrester.

He passed them on to Mr Arkwright, who passed them on to Mr Tripp.

And we've got to sit here, while they keep on passing around...

Well, the girls must write home, Miss Gossage.

We shall simply have to rely on their discretion.

Well, it's the younger girls that are the trouble, Miss Whitchurch.

I've got a letter here from Monica Redfern.

'Dear Mummy, I'm having a very exciting time this term.

We've been sent to a boys' school by mistake, '

Well, that's a statement of fact. We can't conceal it.

'Everybody's having lots of fun. The mistresses are sharing the masters' rooms. '

Aha, yes... Fiddle-de-dee. I see what you mean.

Well, we must institute a system of censorship at once.

Yes, Miss Whitchurch.

And I advise you to take similar steps, Mr Pond.

We have a bond of trust here at Nutbourne, the boys and l, which is never abused.

POND: Yes, Billings? - I caught young Sutton posting this.

Well, there's nothing against the boy sending parcels home. What is it?

A fishcake.

And Sutton's father is an analytical chemist.

There's a note inside, which reads

'Dear Dad, Our breakfast. Get weaving. Reg. '

Well, I suppose we all have our black sheep.

Do you want me to skim through the rest of the flock to see if there are any more?

Yes, perhaps you had. I suggest you get together with, er, this lady.

MATTHEWS: Hello, is that Mr Tripp? It is?

Oh, good... - Mr Tripp? Mr Pond.

Look, I take it Mr Arkwright has told you what Mr Bullock told him I told Mr Forrester?

MR TRlPP: Oh yes, I'm acquainted with the facts...

...I just can't think how it occurred...

...Well, I wouldn't like to promise that...

...It'll take a little while for the machinery to be set in motion.

POND: ...bag and baggage by the first train.

You're not an approved school, by any chance?

I'll do everything I can to expedite matters, you may rest assured. Good morning.

BUGLE SOUNDS

DRUMMlNG CONTlNUES

Will these little blighters never stop writing home?

I can't pass one in ten of these.

No, nor can l.

Still, you know, I do think it's been heaps of fun working together side by side like this.

It has, hasn't it? - Not my idea of fun, Miss Gossage.

Call me sausage.

That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

So Romeo would... - Thank you, Betty.

Now, does anyone know the goodnight passage?

Yes, I do, please, Miss Harper. - MlSS HARPER: Very well, Barbara.

Where shall I start, Miss Harper? - From 'Well, do not swear... '

Well, do not swear although I joy... - KNOCKS AT DOOR

Oh, er... -...in thee.

TASSELL: Oh, do you think I might borrow another duster, Miss Harper?...

...I seem to have mislaid the last one.

That's the fifth in the last three days. - Oh, is it as many as that?

If you're not careful, the children will begin to misconstrue your intentions.

Misconstrue?

One or two of them seem to be doing so already.

MlSS HARVEY: Barbara, don't stand there staring. Carry on.

I have no joy of this contract tonight.

it is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden...

Too like the lightening which doth cease to be...

Ere one can say ' It lightens'. Sweet, good night. This bud of love...

TASSELL: By Summer's ripening breath

may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.

Goodnight, goodnight...

I would prefer that you make it good morning, and return to your class, Mr Tassell.

Well, I haven't got a class this session, Miss Whitchurch.

Then don't interrupt ours.

I made it perfectly plain on the noticeboard

that there was to be no inter-school puddle-faking.

And while I'm not...

Well, really!

And the tail was alight and the starboard engine had gone for a burton...

and there was l, upside down, with nothing on the clock

so I just pressed on. Nothing else for it.

You must've had a gorgeously exciting time, Vic.

I simply would have adored to see you in your uniform.

Well, I looked much the same as the rest of the bunch, you know.

I say, you girls are bang on seventeen.

Mr Brown! What are you doing with my Senior Botany?

Oh, I was... just showing them the petunias.

Jolly good display this year. Bit past their best now, of course.

The petunias are not alone in that respect. Will you leave us, this minute.

Well, I was only giving them a few hints. The facts of nature. Nothing else.

And you girls, get back to your indoor Botany at once.

POND: I know it's slightly distracting to have to work in the hall...

...but we must try and profit through adversity...

...I will choose a phrase at random and let us see if we can analyse it.

Morning, boys. - Morning, Miss Whitchurch.

We will take a phrase at random... - If you please, Mr Pond...

Would you be good enough to ask your masters not to consort with my staff and girls?

What's more, I think it advisable to alter the curriculum and to cut out the Biology classes.

Let us analyse that excellent phrase of John Knox's.

'The first blast of the trumpet against the monstrous regiment of women. '

That's enough.

The verb, in this case, is understood, like... Iike some other things...

So we take it that the sentence runs: This is the first blast of the trumpet, etc, etc...

'This' the subject, 'is' the verb. Now, is everybody paying attention?

BOYS: Yes, sir. - POND: Very well then.

Talbot!

Sir? - POND: Take a hundred lines.

TALBOT: Yes, sir.

Now, how are we to deal with the rest...

POND: What about the object? - MRS HAMPSTEAD: Good morning.

Good morning.

POND: Can any boy tell me what is the object... - LADY: My name is Sidebottom.

POND:...in this particular... case? - LADY: I 've called on behalf of Miss Whetstone.

Whose bed is that and where are you taking it?

It belongs to the late cook, sir. Miss W says Miss J's to have it.

We'll see about that. Take it up to my study at once.

I'm quite sure Mr Pond will listen to reason if I can only have a word with him.

MlSS HAMPSTEAD: Well, you can't. He's teaching, I tell you.

LADY: You don't seem to realise that the future of the country is at stake... - POND: What is the object?

RAlNBOW: Up your end, Edwin. Come on.

What is the object?!

Mr Pond...

What's the use? I might as well try to teach in Waterloo station.

There's a lady at the door, sir, wanting to know if you'll vote for Miss Whetston in the election.

Mrs Hampstead, you can tell your lady that if there is a male candidate

whether he is Conservative, Socialist, Communist or Anarchist

or, for that matter, Liberal, he will have my vote.

That's what I thought, sir.

There is no object in this at all. So let us take the word 'trumpet'...

It's no use hanging back like that, Margaret.

Come along, this minute. It'll only be the worse for you.

Now, what do you propose we ought to do with 'trumpet'?

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: Come along now, Margaret.

You mustn't think because you're in a school like this...

...that you can behave as you please.

I repeat, what do you propose we ought to do with 'trumpet'?

Talbot, take another hundred lines.

BED CLATTERS

Higher, fathead, higher!

Oh! You wait here.

Now, run along upstairs and report to Miss Armstrong at once.

BED CLATTERS

Alright then, let us leave 'trumpet' and let us think of 'blast'.

'Blast', somebody. - GONG RlNGS

'Blast', anybody?

BOYS SHOUT AND SCREAM

GlRLS SHOUT AND SCREAM

POND: As a young man, I studied Yogi for a brief period.

It has enabled to bear with fortitude a situation which otherwise I could never have endured.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: Poppycock.

POND: Please let me finish.

But Yogi or no Yogi, I'm determined not to allow this situation to deteriorate further...

If that were possible.

MATTHEWS: Good afternoon, Mr Tripp... - POND: Furthermo-

MATTHEWS: Mr Pond wishes to speak to you.

Mr Tripp...

Since you have apparently done nothing whatsoever to rectify the state of affairs here

I intend to visit the Ministry this afternoon to see Mr Forrester.

I am not in the least concerned whether I have to have an appointment.

If Mr Forrester will not see me, I shall go to the House of Commons

and speak to my Member of Parliament.

He's probably playing golf.

Matthews, will you ask Rainbow to get me a taxi, please?

I'm going to London by the three fifteen.

Er, can I have a word with you, Miss Whitchurch?

Well, what is it, Miss Jezzard? - MlSS JEZZARD: It's this porter again.

He's refusing to take orders from me.

I just wanna know where I stand.

Every time I ask him to do anything he says he's too busy.

She says I'm to take the break to the station

and Mr Hyde-Brown says I 'm to mark out the second fifteen pitch

Now, which is it to be, eh? Brake or pitch?

Very well, sir. That's all I want to know.

Just a moment, Rainbow. - RAlNBOW: Hmm?

I shall consider these requests entirely on their merits.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: That's right - haver about.

Why has the brake to go to the station?

To meet three lots of parents off the three o'clock train.

Whose parents? - Ours! - Ours? Ridiculous.

But... you invited them yourself.

Mr and Mrs Parry, Mrs Jones and Mr and Mrs lbbertson.

You remember they were nervous about what sort of school we were being sent to...

...so you said they could come down on the first Tuesday of the term and see for themselves.

Why on earth didn't you remind me? We must stop it at once!

I imagine stopping the three o'clock will be too much, even for you.

What are we to do?

It's out of the question to have the parents here with this man and his rabble around.

MlSS JEZZARD: Well, it had occurred to me...

Nonsense, Jezzard. Nothing ever occurs to you. Otherwise they wouldn't be coming.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: What do you suppose they'll say when they find we're sharing a boy's school?

They'll withdraw their children, pass the word to other parents...

Before we know where we are, we shall have no school left!

That, of course, will solve the whole problem.

It is no time for prep-school repartee. - POND LAUGHS - Thinking caps.

Thinking caps.

I have it! You must remove your boys for the afternoon.

Remove my boys?

Ha ha... from my own school?

Mr Pond, for the past six days we have been living together

with a fairish measure of rough and ready harmony.

Harmony? Ho ho! With your shrieking progeny everywhere?

I 'm completely unmoved by your plight, madam. I don't give a fig for what your parents think.

Mr Matthews. Miss Jezzard.

Would you be good enough to wait outside and take the porter with you?

There is talk in the common room

that you're seeking an appointment as Headmaster of Harlingham.

What has that got to do with removing my boys?

Well, I though you might like to know that I'm fairly well acquainted

with one of the the Governors of that school, that's all.

Ha!

Oh, I 'm afraid, madam, that I shall not consider a recommendation from you an advantage.

I wasn't thinking of a recommendation.

If you're trying to coerce me with threats, madam

I 'd remind you that the law takes a very serious view of that.

Have you the temerity to suggest that I 'm trying to blackmail you?

I should merely make a factual report.

I see.

There appear to be no depths to which you are not prepared to sink.

If you have nothing to add but idle abuse

shall we recall Miss Jezzard and Mr Matthews and lay our plans?

BOYS SHOUT - HYDE-BROWN: Run!

Go on, run! Run!

BOYS: Awwww...

BOY: What's going on?

What on earth's going on? What are they doing with the goalposts?

There's been a slight change in the curriculum.

The whole school's got to beat it to the swimming baths.

What? - Some of the girls' parents are visiting the school.

There's to be no sign that the shadow of man ever crossed the ancient joint.

Well, how long's this rot going to last?

Matinee performance only.

Oh, look. There they are.

MRS PARRY: Greek dancing...

Yeah. Two guineas extra. - We know.

I see Mrs lbberston is wearing that white hat she wore in the summer.

This is no time for sartorial tittle-tattle.

How do you do, Mrs lbbertson. It's so nice to see you again.

Miss Jezzard...

How do you do, Mrs Jones.

You seem to be in a most delightful spot. - Yes, we are.

How do you do. - How do you do, Mr Parry. - How do you do.

I'm having tea made for you in the study.

A gracious old hall, don't you think?

Yes. Still, it must be rather trying to have to share the school.

Well, we are bedding down very nicely, considering.

A certain amount of hugger-mugger, of course.

Is there any difference in the... in the class of the other school?

Well, not so much of class as of outlook, shall I put it that way?

On second thoughts, I think I'll show you the dining hall first.

I hope you don't let the girls mix too much. - MlSS WHlTCHURCH: Not if I can help it.

This dining hall is something of a gem, in its way.

Of course, it's rather a squeeze, when we're all of us here

but I manage to stagger most of the meals.

'Guard thine honour'? - That's the Nutbourne school motto.

In my young days, such things were taken for granted!

Well, you must remember, the place goes back to Henry Vlll.

They tell me this part of the building used to be a barn before they rebuilt it...

...Well, ahem, what about pottering upstairs?

I'm sure a cup of tea would be welcome. - It would indeed.

And then to the fray, like giants refreshed. Off we go!

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: I understand Henry built it for Anne Boleyn.

But she was beheaded before she could move in.

Such an unlucky woman, I always feel. Don't you think?

Shall we have an opportunity of seeing the other school?

Well, they've gone on an all-day ramble, more's the pity.

I wish you could have seen us working in tandem.

Not in there, that's the common room.

Oh, what a snug little retreat!

Yes, it... it is rather nice.

It's a bit on the small side for our two staffs but it serves.

Looks out onto the grounds, I suppose. May l? - Of course.

Oh...

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: There's nothing much to see there, I'm afraid.

Quite an attractive view. - Yes, isn't it?

They tell me you can see the sea on a clear day.

Stand with your back to the bookcase. I don't want them looking in there.

MRS JONES: Nutbourne must be a rather unusual school.

Surely they're not in favour of blood sports?

Oh... I gather that was a present from somebody's aunt.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: Huh! Ahem...

Er... just a minute.

Excuse me. It's that stupid village newsagent.

I ordered The Lady and he sent Men Only!

Shall we be getting along to my study now?

DOOR CREAKS

What on earth are these doing here?

This is Janet Hackett, who won the two tweny yards breaststroke in 1946.

And this is Evelyn Forbes, who won the hundred yards freestyle in 1947.

And, er... this is Freda Harris, our champion Morris dancer, caught in mid-action.

And I think that's all.

Telegram for Mr Pond. I thought it might be important.

Better open it, I s'pose.

Really, Billings, I'm Second Master here. If anyone's going to open that... - Oh, shut up.

I say, this is the absolute penultimate!

The Governors of Harlingham are coming out here to visit the school!

Upon my soul! - Believe it or not, today!

This is impossible. - Well, here.

Well, he did say they were coming, didn't he?

Yes, but he couldn't have known when, otherwise he wouldn't have breezed off to London like that.

He'll never be Headmaster of Harlingham if the Governors come here now.

You don't need a crystal to tell you that!

He will remain here then. - For the term of his natural life. You realise what that means.

What are we to do? - They've turned the school upside down, we must put it back.

And we must get Pond back. Now, what time does his train go?

Three fifteen. - Ten minutes.

Alright. You get rid of the girls, I'll go down to the station.

Hello, there's Pond! Good afternoon, Mr Pond!

SlR ANGUS: I thought you might not have received our telegram.

Doctor Collet wanted it to be a surprise visit but I told him that would hardly be fair.

I just didn't want anything 'specially laid on, d'you understand?

I just wanted to see the school working under normal conditions.

Er, so would l... Yes. So would l.

Er, so you shall.

Well, well, well. How d'you do, gentlemen. Ha ha.

Welcome to Nutbourne. Ha ha.

It's just that your telegram scarcely left me enough time

to make the necessary arrangements for your... your reception.

Will you excuse me one moment while I go and telephone and see what's happened to the taxi?

TRAlN CHUGS AWAY

Oh, thank heavens you're still here... - Put that away, man.

Gentlemen!

Mr Billings, for heaven's sake, keep your wits about you and smile.

Gentlemen, this is Mr Billings, my Maths Master.

Realising the difficulty I might have in obtaining a taxi

he very thoughtfully brought the school brake along. Hmm?

Thank you, Billings. - Oh, that's alright, sir.

It was not our intention to disrupt the school work, Mr Pond.

On the contrary.

Oh, but I can't imagine Mr Billings has left the boys

without setting them a few problems to solve.

Hmm? That so, Billings? - Yes, sir.

I imagine they'll take quite a while to clear them up...

Er, ha ha, yes... I have no doubt.

Well, at any rate, there's... There's no hurry.

We want to catch the last train back, Mr Pond.

Beautiful country round here, isn't it? Isn't it?

Yes, yes, no doubt. But as I said before, we want to catch the last train back.

Oh, but you can do that with plenty of time to spare.

POND: Oh, but there's plenty of time to spare...

...I do love this part of the country. - Delightful.

Which, er... Which way are you going, Billings?

Oh, I take it I drive back through Fairhurst and Upper Dudley and Lower Dudley and Braxton?

The short way. - That's right, Billings. The short way.

I ask no more for youth than space and air and freedom from distraction.

I'm so glad to hear you say that, Miss Whitchurch.

Cynthia has reached the difficult age...

Angela's just the same.

I 'm sure Miss Whitchurch grasps the dangers of adolescence.

Oh, firmly, in both hands, if I may say so...

PHONE RlNGS

Oh, shall I answer it? - Yes, please do.

With all the discoveries of modern science

the tree of knowledge is very poor these days. - MlSS JEZZARD: Hello?

MlSS JEZZARD: Yes, that's right. - It's possible to climb to its topmost branches...

Er, what? - A Mr Hartley at the Ministry.

Tell him we'll ring him back, in about an hour's time.

I wonder if you'd mind if we rang back? You see... I beg your pardon?

Just wondering how we're settling down, I expect.

Now, let me see. Where were we?

Er, oh yes, it is possible to climb to its topmost branches

and select the fruit where we will.

MlSS JEZZARD: Are you sure you can't?

Oh dear... - MlSS WHlTCHURCH: I said we'd ring him back!

He says he's going out. He's only just got the case and he wants to know if we're still in trouble.

I haven't the remotest idea what he's talking about.

We're perfectly happy here, perfectly.

No, we're alright, thank you... very much... Good afternoon.

Ahem. Where was l?

Up the tree. - Oh yes!

Well, I do think it's a jolly rotten show.

I haven't had any instructions from Miss Whitchurch.

And now without a word of explanation... - We'll explain later.

Well, it's not fair. Is it? Now, look!

Where are you going with our goalposts? Honestly!

I thought you said the school was a mere five minutes from the station.

In terms of jet propulsion, no doubt... - It said Nutbourne down there!

We've a really first-class rugger team at Harlingham this year.

What sort of shape's yours in? - It varies.

SlR ANGUS: Very pleasant outlook here.

Uninterrupted too, or so the estate agents say.

Look, Mr Tassell, I 'm all for the team spirit and I don't in the least want to rock the boat, but...

Honestly, I can't keep my LAX girls cooped up here all afternoon.

Well, just hold on a minute.

Ah, Matthews. This is Mr Matthews, my most able second in command.

MATTHEWS: How d'you do.

This is Sir Angus McNally, Doctor Collet... - MATTHEWS: How do you do, sir.

...And Mr James Rich. Ha ha.

Well, gentlemen, shall we... shall we go inside?

Oh, well, here we are. This is the oldest part of the school.

Yes, it goes back to Henry Vlll.

Erm, anyone in the dining hall? - No, sir.

Well then, Billings, perhaps you might show it to these gentlemen

and Matthews and l will see about a little refreshment. Hmm?

Certainly, sir. After you, gentlemen.

What happened? - I am dreadfully sorry, sir. We did what we could in the time.

We got the girls off the playing fields. - Where are the rest of them?

Still here, I 'm afraid. You see, we couldn't very well tell Miss Whitchurch.

She's having tea with the parents in her study. - Her study? - Your study, sir.

She won't be for long.

There's simply no holding Byron at lacrosse this term

so this afternoon Tennyson and Shelly have got together to try and stop the rot.

When you've finished your tea we'll run down and see how the battle's faring.

RAlNBOW: Up, your end! Higher, fathead! Higher!

The sun's very gay this afternoon.

Another cup of tea, Mr lbbertson?

Miss Whitchurch, I must speak to you at once.

Oh... Doctor...

If it's about that little protuberance on Cecilia Watson's neck

I 'll see you in the common room. If you don't mind, Doctor.

You will excuse me, won't you? I hardly think that buns and protuberances mix!

How dare you burst in there jeopardising my position in that reckless fashion!

I don't care what you have to say.

Do I have to remind you about the Governors of Harlingham?

You do not. They are downstairs, in the dining hall, here to see the school!

Miss Whitchurch! They've gone and shut Shelly and Tennyson and Byron in the pav.

And you can shut up all your other brats with them.

I'm bringing my boys back from the swimming pool at once!

Would you please keep your voice down! My parents will hear you.

Not to put too fine a point upon it, madam, your parents can go and... - Mr Pond!

I don't want the whole building involved in the bruhaha!

If you don't mind, we'll thrash this out in the common room.

1931 was a vintage year, as you see.

Three scholarships to Oxford, two to Cambridge.

Before Pond's time, I imagine.

There's no use you brandishing the Governors in my face.

One look at what's going on here, and my chances at Harlingham are ruined!

The very least I can do is to establish myself as a victim of circumstances.

Oh, Ramsden. You'll find Mr Matthews in the hall.

Tell him to have the boys brought back from the swimming pool at once.

Oh, so that's where they are...

My mind is made up in one thing, Miss Whitchurch.

If I sink, you sink with me.

POND: Well, don't act as if next week will do, man!

Wait!

Why should we sink, Mr Pond?

If we all keep our wits about us, we may still come through with flying colours.

Now, do let us examine this problem calmly.

Miss Whitchurch... the Governors are in the dining hall.

And my parents are in the study.

Both parties wish to tour the school. Very well, so they shall.

But never the twain shall meet.

What on earth is going to happen when the Governors meet a swarm of girls?

They mustn't.

The Governors must only see boys:, the parents, girls.

We'll have two conducted tours.

Going clockwise, or anticlockwise as the case may be.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: Oh, it's no use being lily-livered.

If one party leaves five minutes after the other, we shall just have time to interchange the classes.

It would have to be a miracle of timing.

Well, but if both parties follow the same course and everyone keeps on the qui vive...

If you want my opinion, the whole thing's imposs.

We don't want your opinion. Thank you, Miss Gossage.

Look, every single boy and girl would have to co-operate.

Well, that would mean Doris and Cynthia and Pamela deceiving their parents!

Oh, an extra half holiday would cure that. Where's your child psychology.

That's not the school spirit! - Don't talk to Mr Pond like that, Gossage.

Thank you, Miss Whitchurch. - Kindly leave these arrangements to us.

What exactly do you envisage, Miss Richards?

Well, if I take my parents to see the school museum

while you bring your Governors to tea in the study

that'll give us time to set the stage. - Yes.

Now, let us swiftly plot the itinerary. - Yes.

Please, please. Allow me, Miss Whitchurch. - Thank you, Mr Pond.

Now, this must be very exactly timed. Shall we first synchronise our watches?

Oh. Excellent.

I 'm not a complaining man, you know that, Maud.

But take these rugby posts. It's an annual job, that I don't look forward to.

But today we've had 'em up, taken 'em down again, and had 'em up again!

And now you've got to take them down again!

And they want tea for four in the study right away, Mrs Hampstead.

You know, I think everybody's gone absolutely batty!

The Governors of Harlingham have arrived!

What? I say, but... - Don't argue, you get the boys back to school!

WHlSTLE BLOWS

We'll just have one... one very quick cup and then we'll start on our travels. Hmm?

BUGLE CALLS

Priscilla Johnson was romping in a haystack when that bastard purple alighted on her

but she had him in the killing bottle in a flash!

Here they come, girls. Onto the field again. Buck up!

GlRLS CHEER

WHlSTLE SOUNDS

Well, I think that exhausts the butterflies.

Shall we start on our tour of the classrooms?

POND: It's always been my view that too much... - WHlSTLE BLOWS

Is that the rugger game starting? - No, no. No. A short blast...

Er, too much concentration on examinations makes boys sluggish.

Good afternoon, girls. You may sit down.

Good afternoon, Miss Harper. - Good afternoon, Miss Whitchurch.

This is the sixth form. They're taking French History.

Let me see now, it'll be, er, Louis Xlll? - There's Angela.

MRS PARRY: Could we have a word with Angela?

Oh, if you wish, certainly. Angela Parry, you may fall out.

Hello, Mumsy!

Hello, Pop. - Hello, Angela.

It's good to see you.

Your mother and father want to know how you're liking the new school.

But there's no need to commit yourself unless you've quite made up your mind.

Oh, but I have.

I think it's an absolute scorcher. I never dreamed that...

How's your History progressing, Angela? - She's always been weak on dates, I 'm afraid.

Not this term, Pop.

MRS PARRY: What are you up to at the moment, Angela?

If they've been telling you about Archie Brown...

Archie... Archibald Brown - in case you didn't know it -

was the man who held the torch for Guy Fawkes.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: I've been running them over what I like to call the back-room boys of history.

Better get back to your class now, Angela. Say goodbye to your mother and father.

Bye, Mumsy. Bye, Pop. - MR PARRY: Bye, dear. - MR PARRY: Goodbye, Angela.

That's right. Now, come along, everybody.

Such a charming child, and a great favourite with the other girls.

It's a pity she's leaving us this term.

Oh, to the right, now, Mrs lbbertson.

Ok!

BlLLlNGS: All clear. Away with the first party.

TASSELL: Right, remove! One pace forward! March!...

...Now, at the double!

BUGLE CALLS

Surely they'll find out about this! - Ours not to reason why...

If they do, we'll have to find fresh posts tomorrow!

Yes, we'll have to apply for a job in a progressive school where the kids throw inkpots!

It'll be a rest after this! - You're right!

GlRL: They're off! - WHlSTLE BLOWS

That must be the start of the game.

No, no, no. Three... er, three short blasts for that!

Well, now, gentlemen, if you've finished with your tea, perhaps we can start on our little...

Our little circumambulation. Hmm?

Now we're going to see the miming class. They're doing the death of Charles l.

The one with the crown is the king, oddly enough.

Couldn't we go in and watch? - Ahem, er... Perhaps for a few minutes.

But, mind, no talking. It's an iron rule with the miming class.

Good afternoon, boys.

Good afternoon, Mr Tassell. - TASSELL: Good afternoon, sir.

Sit down, boys. This is the remove gentlemen. They're taking English.

Carry on, Mr Tassell.

Now, boys, as I was saying, a mixed metaphor

is an expression in which two or three metaphors are confused.

Could one or two of the boys give us an example?

I 'd like to see what they know. - Certainly.

Er, Metcalf, would you give us an example of a mixed metaphor?

We're playing with fire, skating on thin ice.

And if anything happens to upset the apple cart...

...someone's going to lose his bread and butter.

Very good, Metcalf. Sit down.

They seem quite bright. - Yes.

That satisfies me. Shall we move on?

Oh, gentlemen, wouldn't you like to hear a little... a little... a little onomatopoeia?

They've very good at onomatopoeia...

What did you say your name was? - METCALF: Metcalf, sir.

Metcalf.

To your right, gentlemen, to your right.

Down mimes, girls. Away you go.

MlSS JEZZARD: Come along, Jennifer. No loitering.

The school curriculum I wanted to go over with you gentlemen.

I 'll explain it quite briefly, it's... - We don't want to know about the curriculum.

What we want to get is a general picture of the way the school is running.

BUGLE CALLS

Who on earth was that? - That was little Lucy, the housekeeper's daughter.

The little rascal's not allowed upstairs. I'll have to speak to Mrs Hampstead about it.

Well, gentlemen, shall we make history?

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: There's quite a maze of corridors around here.

This way, if you please. Round the corner.

We shall have to hurry if we want to see the dress-making class before break.

The middle third are leading the school with their underwear this term.

The upper fifth are taking the landing of William of Orange.

COLLET: I don't think we need bother about that, eh, Sir Angus?

I don't think so, no. - Not William of Orange?

I 'd much rather see the rugger. - Yes.

Oh, but so you shall, Doctor. So you shall, Sir Angus, only...

...you've got to see some other things first.

They've skipped the upper fifth! They're catching up! - Crumbs!

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: Quite an impressive collection of nether garments, Miss Curtis...

Well, I think we'd better pass on now.

I don't want you to miss the school choir's rendering

of ' Nymphs and Shepherds, come away' before the gong goes.

Thank you, Miss Curtis. Come along, Mrs Parry, will you? Or we shall be too late.

Gentlemen, please... Ha ha! You simply must look at these etchings.

POND: Now, this particular one...

very interesting, I 'm sure, but hardly what we came to see.

Where do we go from here? - Hmm? Well, now, you see, we...

Yes, I think we might risk a little... a little theoretical physics. Hmm?

BOYS LAUGH

Quiet, boys, quiet! Get that stuff out of sight.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: We seem to be doing quite a lot of tearing round, don't we?

Oh... Oh! How stupid of me. Ha. The physics class is first right, first right again.

Fifteen years here and I don't know my own way yet!

They've gone down the wrong corridor. - Gosh, that's torn it!

Well, of course, 'Nymphs and Shepherds' should really be accompanied

by a recorder and a harpsichord.

What is it, dear? - They've gone the wrong way.

Don't bother me now, Alice. Unpick it and start again.

She's such a panicky child. She never can manage her blackberry stiches.

Oh, we've plenty of cupboard accommodation, fortunately...

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: Oh, good gracious me! I should have known they were there.

I am so sorry.

A little mistake at the sports shop.

We ordered netballs and they sent the wrong sort.

This is indeed circumambulation!

Pack them all in, Helen. Never mind how long it takes!

Oh, we're almost there, gentlemen... Heavens, who did that?

That reminds me... - Yes, I was afraid it would.

But all in good time, Doctor.

I'll enquire into this later.

Now...

Good afternoon, boys. Sit down. - RAMSDEN: Good afternoon, sir.

Good afternoon, Ramsden.

This is the middle fifth. They're fairly advanced with their physics, I'm happy to say.

POND: Electronics... well, l...

What the devil's this?

Have the dress-making class been here?

Many of our boys go into the Navy, you know.

In fact, we've had a special request from the Admiralty

that they should know something about mending their own clothes.

Yes, but this is crepe-sheet underwear!

Oh! Huh! Lucky to get it!

Very, very lucky indeed.

# In this grove, in this grove let's sport and play...

# Let's sport and play, let's sport and play

# For this, this is Flora's holiday

# This is Flora's holiday

# This is Flora's holiday... # - There's Angela again.

SONG CONTlNUES - Fancy now!

There must have been a quick changeover while we were coming upstairs.

SONG CONTlNUES

I'm sorry we couldn't stay any longer.

SONG CONTlNUES

I love listening to boy sopranos, don't you?

Sometimes it's almost impossible to distinguish them from girls.

OLDER BOYS: # Where have you been all the day Billy boy, Billy boy?

# Where have you been all the day my Billy boy?

SONG CONTlNUES - Of course, I'm a great believer in contrast too, you know.

I mean for developing musical appreciation.

Look, I don't think we want to be bothered any more with this, do we, Doctor Collet?

What? No, I suppose not.

I 'd rather like to... - No, I thought not.

But I should like you gentlemen to look in at the sick room for one moment.

Just now I 'm more interested in the fit than the unfit.

What about this rugger? - lmmediately afterwards, Doctor Collet.

To the right if you please, and then up the stairs.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: That's the way, there we are...

Well, we haven't had many people in the sicker this time, fortunately.

I think the air must agree with them.

I always think it's nice to have the sickroom at the top of the house.

So much more air.

We mustn't stop long in here. Good afternoon, girls.

Good afternoon, Miss Whitchurch.

I mustn't let you pick up any germs or the doctor will be on my tracks.

Now for the gymnasium. To your right and downstairs.

DOOR SLAMS

BUGLE CALLS

I hate to be a nuisance, Miss Whitchurch, but I am anxious to see the lacrosse.

Oh, yes, Mrs Jones. Well, we'll see what we can do about it, shall we?

I 'm sure you'll be delighted with the gym display.

MlSS WHlTCHURCH: Quite a pleasant little gym, isn't it?

MRS PARRY: Why, there's Angela again!

Well, now, so it is. The child's quite ubiquitous.

Miss Harper! It should be rugby now

but run and tell Miss Gossage to lay on the lacrosse again in five minutes' time, will you?

Very good. - Thank you very much.

BUGLE CALLS

Miss Gossage! You've to get the girls back on the field. It's lacrosse again!

But they've just started a rugger game! - Those are Miss Whitchurch's orders.

GlRLS MOAN

Alright, girls. As you were. Back on the field.

Well, here we are.

And nothing much wrong with the patients, I'm glad to say.

Now for the gym.

Well, we've just time to take a quick look at the garden

and then to the lacrosse. Eh, Mrs Jones? - Thank you.

We go to the left here. Would you like to follow me?

Come on, girls! Out!

Right. First six boys on the mat. Come on. Quickly.

Down.

Change around.

POND: That's right, gentlemen, to the left. I 've had a special display laid on for you.

They're coming! - Here...

POND: This way, gentlemen... I think you'll like it. The boys are very keen.

POND LAUGHS

Good, good. Very, very good, Tassell.

Yes, I always think there's nothing like plenty of good, healthy exercise.

Don't you agree, Doctor? Hmm?

Where's Doctor Collet?

Where's Doctor Collet?

Good afternoon. Could you tell me where I could find Miss Whitchurch?

I've never heard of her.

Doctor Collet! Where's Doctor Collet? Right...

SlR ANGUS: There's that boy again!

Dr Col...

Look out, Sir Angus!

Mr Pond! - We're waiting for an explanation, Mr Pond!

Can't you see I 'm trying to think of one? - Never mind about that.

Come outside with me. I'll show you something.

CHlLDREN SHOUT

Take a look at that! - SlR ANGUS: What on earth...

We won seven matches last term and we hope to do even better this term.

That's done it.

MlSS GOSSAGE: Tackle him low, girls! Tackle him low!

MlSS GOSSAGE: Get him down! - HYDE-BROWN: Sausage, stop it!

MlSS GOSSAGE: Hold him! Hold him! - Stop it, Sausage, stop it!

Hold him! - Sausage! Sausage!

That's ghastly.

Lacrosse.

La double-crosse.

SlR ANGUS: It's unbelievable. - COLLET: It's monstrous.

Excuse me, you are Mr Pond, I believe?

My name is West. I 'm regional officer of the Ministry.

I 've been instructed to deal with this matter.

Most unfortunate but I think I've found a solution.

You are a co-educational school, I believe.

Well, I 've arranged for another co-educational school

to replace St Swithins' next Wednesday.

SlR ANGUS: What, another school? - RlCH: It looks as if they're ahead of schedule...

CHlLDREN CHEER, WHlSTLES BLOW

MlSS HARPER: Have you the faintest idea what's going on?

No, Jane...

BELL RlNGS

BUGLE SOUNDS

CYMBALS CRASH

BUGLE SOUNDS

CHlLDREN CHEER

I have a brother who grows ground-nuts in Tanganyika.

He writes that there are splendid opportunities for education among the natives.

Oh, madam, I'm amenable to any suggestion!