Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,714
Tensions are rising
as the stand-off
2
00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:51,801
between the world community and the
rogue North African nation of Wadiya
3
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,094
intensified today
4
00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:57,140
as U.N. Weapons inspectors were once
again refused access to the country
5
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,476
by Wadiyan leader,
Admiral General Aladeen.
6
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:04,689
I will take no options
off the table. And I mean what I say.
7
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,859
Tonight we ask...
Who is General Aladeen?
8
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,069
According to
Wadiyan propaganda,
9
00:01:10,154 --> 00:01:13,281
Haffaz Aladeen
was born in 1973.
10
00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:19,787
He did not know his mother,
who died in childbirth.
11
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:25,084
General Aladeen was born
the only son of the Colonel Aladeen,
12
00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:27,462
himself a savage
and violent dictator.
13
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,300
Next!
14
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,053
Known for his iconic beard,
15
00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:38,639
he is protected
by 30 female guards,
16
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,641
who he maintains
are virgin.
17
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,487
Thrust into power
at age seven,
18
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:56,324
he may just be the most dangerous
man in the entire world.
19
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,326
All right,
let's get right to it.
20
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,329
Do you have
nuclear weapons?
21
00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:05,583
What was the question?
22
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,128
Do you have
nuclear weapons?
23
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,421
Sorry, I can't hear you.
24
00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:12,215
Are you developing
nuclear weapons?
25
00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:14,383
No, I literally
can't hear you.
26
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,011
I'm going to
another question.
27
00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,263
Oh, I can hear you now.
28
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:22,391
Eccentric and with
unlimited oil wealth,
29
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,894
he recently hosted
his own Olympic Games...
30
00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:27,396
On your mark, get set.
31
00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:38,533
...at which he won
fourteen gold medals.
32
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,372
Aladeen! Aladeen!
33
00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:46,707
Often described
as ignorant,
34
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:50,628
he changed
over 300 Wadiyan words to "Aladeen,"
35
00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:54,507
including the words "positive" and
"negative," causing mass confusion.
36
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:59,845
Do you want
the Aladeen news or the Aladeen news?
37
00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:03,474
The Aladeen news?
38
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,812
You are HIV-Aladeen.
39
00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:23,202
With pressure mounting,
40
00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:25,830
Aladeen addressed
his nation today.
41
00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:28,332
Aladeen! Aladeen!
42
00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:01,115
People of Wadiya,
43
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,993
I come before you today
44
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:08,706
to tell you that the world shall
kneel before our great nation.
45
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:13,961
We are two months away from
enriching weapons-grade uranium
46
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:21,552
to be used
for peaceful purposes.
47
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:32,855
It will be used
only for medical research
48
00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:36,317
and clean energy.
It will, it will.
49
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:39,153
And will certainly
never be used
50
00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:41,989
to attack Is...
Oh, boy.
51
00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:46,994
With that speech, today,
52
00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:49,664
the international community
is asking one question:
53
00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:53,501
Does the Mad Dog of Wadiya
have nuclear weapons?
54
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,179
Now, show me
my nuclear weapons!
55
00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:08,015
I can't wait!
I can't wait!
56
00:05:24,116 --> 00:05:26,325
This is the Beard
of Doom rocket?
57
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:29,662
This is my weapon?
I will be a laughingstock!
58
00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:32,623
All my friends
have got nuclear weapons.
59
00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:34,375
Even Ahmadinejad!
60
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:37,920
And he looks like
a snitch on Miami Vice.
61
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:40,548
Would it kill him
to wear a tie?
62
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:44,009
I mean, is every day
in Iran casual Friday?
63
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:48,889
Where is the Head of my Nuclear
Program and Procurer of Women?
64
00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:51,058
Where is Nuclear Nadal?
65
00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,728
You had Nadal executed,
Supreme Leader.
66
00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:55,187
Why did I do that?
67
00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:01,986
Supreme Leader!
68
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:03,571
Nadal.
69
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,991
We are just months away
from refining weapons-grade uranium,
70
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:09,910
and we are set
to test the missile next week.
71
00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:14,457
It is too round on the top.
It needs to be pointy.
72
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,752
Round is not scary.
Pointy is scary.
73
00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:20,004
This will put a smile
on the faces of the enemy.
74
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:23,591
They will think that it is a huge robot
dildo flying toward them.
75
00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,050
No, Supreme Leader.
76
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,887
The shape of the missile top
has nothing to do with aerodynamics.
77
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,680
It is about
the payload delivery.
78
00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,932
No. It sticks in the ground,
and then kaboom.
79
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:33,893
Supreme Leader,
I think perhaps
80
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:37,438
some of your information
about bombs is coming from cartoons.
81
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,857
Nonsense.
They were research films.
82
00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,610
And in them,
the victims of the bomb
83
00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:44,778
would get
very sooty faces
84
00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:47,865
and then a see-through
version of themselves
85
00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:51,577
started rising up towards Heaven
while playing a harp.
86
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:55,039
In this film,
just one question,
87
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:59,043
was there a duck who,
when the explosion is happens,
88
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:02,338
his bill goes
around to the back of his head,
89
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,549
and then in order to talk,
he has to put it back this way?
90
00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:09,261
There was somebody
who suffered a deformity like that.
91
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:10,596
Okay.
92
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,016
I am now 100% sure
that you are watching cartoons.
93
00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,310
Have you spoken to
the experts about this?
94
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:19,313
- Have you consulted Professor Bobeye?
- Who?
95
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:22,816
Professor Bobeye, the one
with the incredibly strong forearms
96
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:24,944
that are miss-sized
for his body.
97
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,446
The man you are discussing
is called Popeye.
98
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,490
- Bobeye.
- He is not a professor.
99
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:33,369
Popeye is, as the song
tells us, a sailor man.
100
00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:37,248
Indulge me. For one second,
pretend that I'm an idiot.
101
00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:38,374
Okay. I'm there.
102
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,669
And explain to me
how this bomb
103
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:44,547
will not land in Israel
104
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:48,342
and then, literally,
bounce right back and blow up Wadiya.
105
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,302
Supreme Leader,
let me explain to you.
106
00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:51,512
You've lost me.
107
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:54,890
This is the missile
in Wadiya,
108
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:57,685
you push the button, "Boop!"
109
00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:02,273
Israel...
110
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,946
"No! Why?"
111
00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:13,242
Nuclear winter.
112
00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:14,702
The reality is...
113
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,541
Oy vey!
114
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:23,919
Us.
115
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:29,842
Believe me, sir, if I could make
the device even a little more pointy,
116
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,428
I would,
but I simply cannot.
117
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,516
Okay. You know what?
118
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,311
Let's just agree
to disagree, my friend.
119
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:41,729
Okay.
120
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,316
What? Why? No!
121
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,402
- Don't you remember?
- Of course I remember!
122
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:51,655
How dare you question my
memory? I remember everything!
123
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,575
No, I would never do that!
Never! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that.
124
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,286
Don't worry, it's fine.
Well done, my friend.
125
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:58,746
Thank you.
126
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,540
Wait! Wait!
Where are we going?
127
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,752
Admiral General,
what if we just tell the United Nations
128
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,170
we have no nuclear weapons?
129
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:07,630
They will lift
the sanctions.
130
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,965
We'll be free
to sell oil rights to the Jalabiya desert.
131
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,634
Uncle Tamir.
132
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,927
Do you not remember
what my saintly father
133
00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,888
made me promise him
on his deathbed?
134
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,558
It was never
to sell Wadiya's oil.
135
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,603
You remember that
was when he gave me power
136
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,647
instead of you,
the rightful heir.
137
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,398
You've been so cool about it.
138
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,776
Now, let's go back
to the palace.
139
00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:30,235
It's the season finale
140
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:34,031
of Real Housewives
of Shachahmahahfalimitahlicch!
141
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:38,702
Aladeen! Aladeen!
142
00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:56,762
Death to the tyrant!
143
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:09,733
Looks like we need
to find a new double.
144
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,402
Because this one is...
145
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,446
You know, I don't know
if he's going to get better.
146
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,824
Oh, he's not going
to recover, sir. He's dead.
147
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:20,786
Send his wife some
chocolate covered almond nuts
148
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:23,789
in a cellophane wrapped box.
Delicious.
149
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:27,918
We're going to send
your wife some almonds.
150
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,212
Chocolate covered
versions of these.
151
00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:37,344
Maroush, I think I dropped
an almond in his head.
152
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:38,846
Can you take it out?
153
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:42,725
What I don't want to do is
send the body to the family
154
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:45,519
and then they discover
an almond in his head,
155
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,980
and they say,
"Why is there an almond in his head?"
156
00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,231
Take it out.
157
00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:52,526
Clean it!
158
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:54,611
How am I gonna eat that?
159
00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:59,408
- Don't eat it.
- Oh, Maroush!
160
00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,703
Listen, everything
is gonna be just fine.
161
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:04,580
I don't want you to
worry about anything.
162
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,875
Yeah, how 'bout looking in my eye
when I'm speaking to you?
163
00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:11,795
It's very rude not to look at somebody in
the eye when they're talking to you.
164
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,882
It's okay. Don't worry.
You're having a rough day.
165
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:27,227
We shot the wrong man.
166
00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:30,856
I can fix this. I have a new
plan. We need to find a new double.
167
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,901
One that is simple enough to
be manipulated completely.
168
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,918
I think we found
what you are looking for.
169
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:02,471
You think this man
looks like me?
170
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,265
You have
a very big barn.
171
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:09,061
You must have
many happy goats, hmm?
172
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,480
What the fuck
does that even mean?
173
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:16,068
Uncle Tamir,
this thing is an idiot.
174
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,070
What makes you think
he can do the job?
175
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:22,074
May I remind you that his only real job is
to be shot in the head.
176
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,410
Very well. Put him
through the process, okay?
177
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,205
Clip his nails,
file his teeth,
178
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:31,083
bleach his skin,
and shorten the penis.
179
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,422
Megan! Megan!
180
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,425
You now have herpes.
181
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,847
Megan, you were
worth every penny.
182
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,683
You were super hot.
183
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,268
Is my jet ready?
184
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:52,437
Yes, but do you
want to stay the night?
185
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,273
You know, I really
want to do some cuddling.
186
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,524
No. Your time is up.
187
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,609
I have to be
with the Italian Prime Minister tomorrow.
188
00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:00,320
Okay. Maroush,
give the goodie bag!
189
00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:01,738
Thanks.
190
00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,240
I trust
everything is in there,
191
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,033
as your manager requested?
192
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,202
Katy Perry said she got
a diamond Rolex.
193
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,955
That's because she let me
Aladeen in her face.
194
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:13,959
Okay.
195
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,295
Right. Are you sure you don't want
to stay for some cuddles?
196
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,379
- No.
- But, please.
197
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:18,964
I really want
someone to cuddle.
198
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,197
Breaking news now.
Just moments ago,
199
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,448
the U.N. Security
Council voted
200
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,909
to authorize NATO
air strikes against Wadiya,
201
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:33,205
unless Admiral General Aladeen
agrees to address the U.N. In person.
202
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,207
And now, the world waits.
203
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:36,541
What will Aladeen do next?
204
00:14:56,938 --> 00:15:01,149
Next. No, no, no. No. Boring,
boring. Come on. Come on.
205
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,611
Beloved Oppressor,
I have just received disturbing news.
206
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:07,030
Welcome
to the Munich Olympics.
207
00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:08,699
Shalom?
208
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,034
Oy vey!
209
00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:12,786
Supreme Leader,
210
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,162
the United Nations
demands that
211
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,541
you address their concerns
about our nuclear program,
212
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,793
or they will vote to
authorize military action.
213
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:21,795
Summon my generals.
214
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:23,630
I'll join you after
I finish this level.
215
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,632
Bonus round. Mass grave.
216
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:42,566
Those gangsters at the UN
want me to address them.
217
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:46,611
Fine! I'll address them like they've
never been addressed before.
218
00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,071
How much time
have they allotted me?
219
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:49,740
Seven minutes, sir.
220
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,534
I'll talk for 14 hours!
221
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:55,746
And three of those
will be untranslatable.
222
00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,247
Literally, baby noises.
223
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,545
Okay. Let's rehearse this.
Role play, role play.
224
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:05,672
You, come on.
This'll be fun.
225
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,800
So, Secretary General,
your soldiers will weep...
226
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:13,472
I'm so sorry!
Listen, it was not my fault.
227
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:16,099
I mean, somebody had
set the safety catch
228
00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:18,018
to "Aladeen"
instead of "Aladeen."
229
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,353
Look, I mean,
this whole gun...
230
00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,523
It's gonna be fine.
You just need to ice it.
231
00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,066
You got to ice.
232
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,735
Promise me
you're going to ice?
233
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,111
Okay. Tamir!
234
00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:30,614
Inflate my neck pillow
235
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:34,075
and pack my book
of medium-level Sudoku.
236
00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:37,329
We're going to America!
237
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,482
America!
238
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:09,069
The birthplace of AIDS.
239
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:17,244
Supreme Leader, I took the liberty
of hiring some extra security.
240
00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:18,829
This is Mr. Clayton.
241
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:22,040
Admiral General,
I am here for your protection 24/7.
242
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,208
Okay.
243
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:26,878
But in the interest of full disclosure, I
have to say I hate A-rabs.
244
00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,881
Well, that's fine,
because I'm not an Arab.
245
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:33,927
Well, you're
all A-rabs to me, the blacks, the Jews,
246
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:36,763
those blue tree-hugging
queers in A-vatar.
247
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:42,769
In fact, anyone from outside of
America is technically an A-rab.
248
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,021
Listen, while you're here,
249
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:48,400
I highly recommend a visit
to the Empire State Building,
250
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:51,570
before you or one of your
sand-monkey cousins takes it down.
251
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:55,699
Also, if you're interested in taking
in a Broadway show while you're here,
252
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:57,492
and you don't mind
the homo stuff,
253
00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,828
I highly recommend
Billy Elliot.
254
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,415
You know what, I like this guy
despite his liberal views.
255
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:04,708
Very good, sir.
256
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:13,592
Supreme Leader, the suite has been
renovated to your specifications.
257
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:22,267
Twenty dollars a day
for Internet? What the fuck?
258
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:27,314
And they accuse me
of being an international criminal?
259
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,567
Beloved Oppressor,
try to get some sleep.
260
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,277
Tomorrow is
your big speech.
261
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,363
Nobody touch the minibar!
It's a fucking rip-off!
262
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:56,927
Rise and shine.
263
00:18:58,179 --> 00:18:59,179
Who are you?
264
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,848
We've actually
already met.
265
00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:03,516
Hello, Aladdin.
266
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,769
Clayton? I thought
we were friends.
267
00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:08,355
Nice to see you, too.
268
00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:11,024
Here's the deal.
269
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,360
I'm gonna kill you,
and then I'm gonna burn your body.
270
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,569
No, no, no.
Please, don't.
271
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,823
But before I do I have
one very important question for you.
272
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:21,576
Did you get a chance
to see Billy Elliot?
273
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,162
Yes.
274
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:25,372
And?
275
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:28,208
I found it heartwarming
and life-affirming.
276
00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:32,045
Thank you!
How great is that show?
277
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:33,630
It is.
It's great, yeah.
278
00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:36,216
You know, he's got like
an artist inside himself,
279
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:40,053
but he's in this working class place
and no one understands him.
280
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:43,139
He's just like...
I'm gonna express myself in my dance.
281
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,641
And he expresses himself...
282
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:48,770
And he doesn't wanna use violence,
but he puts his violence into his dance.
283
00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,146
You should try that.
284
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,651
Okay. So, we gotta get down
to business. Enough chit-chat.
285
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:56,236
I'm being paid to kill you.
286
00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,029
But I'm gonna
torture you for free.
287
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,160
Are you serious?
288
00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:05,578
Where'd you get
those relics?
289
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:08,248
From the Shah of Iran's
garage sale?
290
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:09,666
Yeah, right.
291
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,167
I mean, I know there's
nothing more annoying
292
00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:12,752
than a backseat torturer,
but, please, come on.
293
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:14,421
This is great stuff.
294
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,924
It's not great stuff.
That's like 1972, hello.
295
00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:23,179
You won't be talking
so much smack with this up your butt.
296
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:26,850
That's the Anal Umbrella.
It's a good device, I grant you,
297
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,852
but where's
the splash guard?
298
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:30,895
You're going to kill me
and your white shirt.
299
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,939
It didn't come
with a splash guard.
300
00:20:33,024 --> 00:20:35,025
You're gonna get chara
on your trousers.
301
00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:37,193
I can see it has
a screw hole for one.
302
00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:38,695
Apparently,
I didn't get it.
303
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,072
All right, Mr. Smart Guy,
304
00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,366
check out this bad boy.
305
00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,910
Oh, that's not bad.
The Kandahar Cock Wrench.
306
00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:47,370
Okay, so, now
we're getting somewhere.
307
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:50,290
It's actually been banned in Saudi
Arabia for being too safe.
308
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,793
You know,
this is totally depressing.
309
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,462
Listen, just show me
another one.
310
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:58,298
You know, honestly, I don't even want
to show you anything anymore.
311
00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:00,300
Don't be like that.
312
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,802
You know, I don't even think
you want to be tortured.
313
00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:04,220
I don't want
to be tortured.
314
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:05,555
You're just, like,
taking all the fun out of it!
315
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:07,807
You just want me to say
compliments all the time.
316
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:10,810
So either you want the truth
or you want compliments. Decide!
317
00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:14,397
It'd be nice if I got just a little bit
of positive feedback about my tools.
318
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,357
What else you got?
I'm gonna love the next thing!
319
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:17,567
I will be supportive.
320
00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:19,152
All right.
321
00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:22,030
Just this. This pours
hot fire out on you.
322
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,199
Oh,
the Fallujah Firehose!
323
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,034
Someone's got
a friend in Syria!
324
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,577
I am pretty proud of it.
325
00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,245
There is a new model,
you know.
326
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:31,790
I've got one that
works by Bluetooth.
327
00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:35,418
Screw it. Screw it!
Screw it!
328
00:21:35,753 --> 00:21:37,045
I'm going to enjoy this now.
329
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:38,880
No, don't. Don't.
Don't. Please, don't!
330
00:21:46,889 --> 00:21:50,308
No one will recognize
the body without this!
331
00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,811
The Supreme Beard!
You will be cursed!
332
00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:54,020
No, no, don't do it!
333
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:55,897
Come on!
Why won't this catch?
334
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:59,818
You foolish man! There is no earthly
fire that could ever light...
335
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:04,113
The flames
of the righteous attack the unjust!
336
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:16,876
I'll be back with help!
J. K.! Just kidding!
337
00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:23,716
My speech.
338
00:22:25,386 --> 00:22:28,555
Yo!
Average American shopper!
339
00:22:29,098 --> 00:22:30,723
I do not have
any money on me,
340
00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:32,183
but if you give me
your clothes
341
00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:35,395
I'll make a sizeable donation
in your name to al-Qaeda.
342
00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:47,615
Hey, hey, oh, oh!
Aladeen has got to go!
343
00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:51,286
Hello. I am
Admiral General Aladeen.
344
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:53,580
I am here to
deliver my speech to the United Nations.
345
00:22:53,664 --> 00:22:55,498
Look, Admiral,
it's too hot for crazy.
346
00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:56,791
How dare you?
347
00:22:56,959 --> 00:22:59,002
Listen, Tamir is
coming right now.
348
00:22:59,253 --> 00:23:01,421
You're going to
be in big trouble. Here he is.
349
00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:03,214
Tamir! Tamir!
350
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,350
Tamir, it was you, you snake!
351
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:19,898
He's not the
legitimate leader!
352
00:23:19,982 --> 00:23:21,816
He's not
the legitimate leader!
353
00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:25,153
He's not the
legitimate leader!
354
00:23:26,655 --> 00:23:29,490
You have rehearsed the
speech I prepared for you?
355
00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:32,577
Yes. But when is
the General coming?
356
00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:33,995
He's feeling ill.
357
00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:36,331
Does he have worms in his shilshul?
358
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:37,582
Very possibly.
359
00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:40,668
Admiral General Aladeen
preparing
360
00:23:40,753 --> 00:23:42,837
to address the General
Assembly of the United Nations.
361
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:43,922
An historic moment.
362
00:23:44,006 --> 00:23:45,673
He's approaching the podium.
363
00:23:46,008 --> 00:23:48,259
And he's walked
right past the podium.
364
00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:49,427
What is he doing?
365
00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:51,846
You are making
a fool out of me!
366
00:23:52,181 --> 00:23:54,182
Let's bring in Denise,
our U. N. Correspondent.
367
00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:55,475
What do you make of that?
368
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:58,186
Well, I have to say,
he's got their attention.
369
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,688
Every eye in the room
is on him right now.
370
00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:03,191
And he's returning
to the podium.
371
00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:05,860
And he's fallen
off the stage.
372
00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:07,612
What do you make
of that, Denise?
373
00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:12,533
You know, he's clearly implying that the
U. N. Must fall before him.
374
00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:15,453
Drinking from the
pitcher of water directly,
375
00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:18,081
as opposed to
the glass that I'm sure must be up there.
376
00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:19,207
What do you think
that means?
377
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:21,334
Again, it's another
attempt to say,
378
00:24:21,418 --> 00:24:23,628
"Listen, I'm not going
to play by your rules."
379
00:24:23,712 --> 00:24:25,380
And he seems to have
a pitcher of urine out.
380
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:28,132
I believe he just
urinated in the pitcher.
381
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:31,552
He is now drinking
his urine.
382
00:24:31,804 --> 00:24:33,471
It looks to be
his own urine.
383
00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:35,264
Sorry. You want?
384
00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:37,850
Trying to force it
on the Israeli delegation.
385
00:24:38,435 --> 00:24:39,852
That might be
the ambassador.
386
00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:43,940
He is dumping the urine
on the Israeli delegation.
387
00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:45,441
Oh, that's a good one.
388
00:24:47,277 --> 00:24:49,112
Okay, he's returning
to the podium.
389
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:54,033
Much has been made
of the hostility between our countries.
390
00:24:54,535 --> 00:24:56,869
With the help
of the U.M.,
391
00:24:57,121 --> 00:25:00,540
I will draft a new
constitution for Wadiya
392
00:25:00,874 --> 00:25:05,878
and sign it in five days,
on Wadiya's Independence Day.
393
00:25:06,213 --> 00:25:07,213
No, no, no.
394
00:25:07,464 --> 00:25:09,215
This new constitution
395
00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:11,092
will end the dictatorship...
396
00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:12,176
No!
397
00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:15,722
...and it will
turn Wadiya into a
398
00:25:16,223 --> 00:25:17,557
democracy.
399
00:25:20,477 --> 00:25:22,895
No! Democracy? Never!
400
00:25:23,647 --> 00:25:24,981
Never!
401
00:25:26,150 --> 00:25:29,235
The Wadiyan people
love being oppressed!
402
00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:32,530
Dictatorship forever!
403
00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:41,372
Come on! Come with me!
404
00:25:42,166 --> 00:25:43,207
Hurry!
405
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:50,882
Hello, person. Person.
406
00:25:51,133 --> 00:25:52,467
Black person.
407
00:25:53,135 --> 00:25:54,802
The double that
you found is good.
408
00:25:54,887 --> 00:25:56,637
He is almost as dumb
as the real guy.
409
00:25:56,889 --> 00:25:59,390
So, Wadiya will
become a democracy.
410
00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:02,060
China is a democracy,
too.
411
00:26:04,063 --> 00:26:05,772
Once that constitution
is signed,
412
00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:09,067
I will be able
to sell Wadiya's oil rights. Gazprom,
413
00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:11,694
you will have control of
Wadiya's southern oil fields.
414
00:26:11,779 --> 00:26:13,571
B. P., you will
control the north.
415
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:15,073
Exxon, you will have
all offshore rights,
416
00:26:15,157 --> 00:26:17,408
provided you do not
use B. P.'s drilling rigs.
417
00:26:17,493 --> 00:26:21,496
And, Mr. Lao of PetroChina, you will
have the lease on our shale reserves.
418
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:23,539
Some of those reserves are
in densely populated areas.
419
00:26:23,916 --> 00:26:26,250
Then unpopulate them.
420
00:26:26,752 --> 00:26:29,629
After you've paid me
my 30% finder's fee, of course.
421
00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:31,422
Gentlemen.
422
00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:35,426
So, you're going
to make billions.
423
00:26:35,511 --> 00:26:37,512
What will you do
with all those dollars?
424
00:26:37,971 --> 00:26:41,641
I will buy the house on Lake Como
next to George Clooney's.
425
00:26:41,892 --> 00:26:43,810
I love George Clooney!
426
00:26:44,144 --> 00:26:45,937
He's an old-fashioned
movie star.
427
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,814
He gay?
He suck my dick?
428
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:52,276
No, those are just rumors.
Are you a homosexual?
429
00:26:52,528 --> 00:26:55,113
No, no, no, it's more
of a power trip with me.
430
00:26:55,197 --> 00:26:56,739
Everybody has a price.
431
00:26:56,824 --> 00:26:59,909
Tommy Lee Jones let me roll it in my
fingers for two hundred grand!
432
00:27:07,209 --> 00:27:09,794
Oh, my gosh,
that was so crazy!
433
00:27:10,129 --> 00:27:12,296
I am so honored
to be able to help you.
434
00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:14,549
Finally, somebody
who knows who I am.
435
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,050
Yeah, of course!
436
00:27:16,135 --> 00:27:19,804
You're the Wadiyan dissident who was
standing up to that asshole Aladeen.
437
00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:21,806
It was so brave of you.
438
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:24,142
- My name is Zoey.
- I don't care.
439
00:27:24,351 --> 00:27:25,351
What's yours?
440
00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:28,312
My name is Ala... son.
441
00:27:28,814 --> 00:27:30,648
- Allison?
- Right. Allison.
442
00:27:30,983 --> 00:27:32,817
What's your last name?
443
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:37,071
Burgers.
444
00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:39,907
Nice to meet you,
Allison Burgers.
445
00:27:39,992 --> 00:27:41,701
- You know, I...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
446
00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:46,122
Allison, could you
please take your hands off my breasts?
447
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:48,541
Those are breasts?
I thought you were a boy.
448
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,755
- Where are you taking me to?
- To Brooklyn!
449
00:28:04,183 --> 00:28:06,309
So, yeah,
this is my store!
450
00:28:06,393 --> 00:28:07,852
This is the Free
Earth Collective.
451
00:28:08,103 --> 00:28:11,439
We are a vegan, feminist,
non-profit cooperative operating
452
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:13,774
within an anti-racist,
anti-oppressive framework
453
00:28:13,859 --> 00:28:15,526
for people of
all or no genders.
454
00:28:16,778 --> 00:28:18,946
We are
a pure democracy,
455
00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:21,115
just like Wadiya's
going to be soon!
456
00:28:21,450 --> 00:28:23,159
Get me clothes,
little man.
457
00:28:23,452 --> 00:28:25,203
Oh, you know what, there's some in
the Earthquake Relief box
458
00:28:25,287 --> 00:28:26,829
in the lesbian bathroom,
right there.
459
00:28:26,914 --> 00:28:28,122
Right.
460
00:28:29,208 --> 00:28:31,626
So, Allison,
we're the only store in New York,
461
00:28:31,710 --> 00:28:33,920
other than that fascist
superchain Green World,
462
00:28:34,004 --> 00:28:36,005
that sells your nation's
specialty fruit, mafroom,
463
00:28:36,465 --> 00:28:38,549
which I know
you people eat a lot of.
464
00:28:38,884 --> 00:28:40,676
Oh, I hope that didn't come off
like a cultural stereotype.
465
00:28:40,761 --> 00:28:43,221
Because I'm, like,
the furthest thing from a racist.
466
00:28:43,513 --> 00:28:46,182
I pretty much haven't
had a white boyfriend since high school.
467
00:28:46,433 --> 00:28:48,226
Well, the darker races
are less choosy.
468
00:28:49,853 --> 00:28:51,854
Okay, that came off
as kind of offensive.
469
00:28:52,105 --> 00:28:53,439
Thank you.
470
00:28:54,775 --> 00:28:56,692
Anyway, let me give
you the grand tour.
471
00:28:56,777 --> 00:28:59,612
Up on the roof,
we have this amazing organic garden...
472
00:28:59,947 --> 00:29:02,448
Boring! Do you sell
any assault rifles?
473
00:29:02,866 --> 00:29:05,534
Oh, wait. I got it.
Humor. Right?
474
00:29:05,786 --> 00:29:08,287
I took a feminist
clown workshop once.
475
00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:10,581
Help! Help! I'm trapped
under a glass ceiling!
476
00:29:10,958 --> 00:29:12,583
What the fuck?
477
00:29:12,918 --> 00:29:14,835
I wasn't the best
student, but...
478
00:29:14,962 --> 00:29:17,380
We've got this wellness center
downstairs in the basement,
479
00:29:17,506 --> 00:29:20,758
where we do water birth.
Have you ever seen a water birth?
480
00:29:21,176 --> 00:29:23,386
Not a water birth,
but I've seen a water death.
481
00:29:23,637 --> 00:29:25,137
Wow. Was it moving?
482
00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:27,181
There was actually
very little movement.
483
00:29:27,307 --> 00:29:30,309
A little wriggling,
then two bubbles, and then a big bloop
484
00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:31,686
and the wallet floats up.
485
00:29:33,271 --> 00:29:34,563
You seem educated.
486
00:29:34,815 --> 00:29:36,440
Yes.
I went to Amherst.
487
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:38,776
I love it when
women go to school.
488
00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:41,862
It's like seeing
a monkey on rollerskates.
489
00:29:42,114 --> 00:29:45,116
It means nothing to them,
but it's so adorable for us.
490
00:29:45,701 --> 00:29:47,618
Okay. Well, hey, Allison,
491
00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:50,955
you know, we'd love to have you work
here if you ever wanted to.
492
00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:55,209
All of our employees
are political refugees, just like you!
493
00:29:55,419 --> 00:29:56,460
There's Hannah over here.
494
00:29:56,586 --> 00:30:00,464
She's from El Salvador. She's a really
useful member of our team.
495
00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:05,553
Useful as what?
A coat hanger?
496
00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:08,639
- Come on.
- Allison, that's not funny.
497
00:30:08,974 --> 00:30:11,976
Okay. I tell you what,
get back to work, Captain Hook!
498
00:30:12,310 --> 00:30:14,478
- "Captain Hook." It's funny.
- No, it's not funny.
499
00:30:14,730 --> 00:30:15,730
Who's that?
500
00:30:15,981 --> 00:30:16,981
Oh, this is Joteph.
501
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:19,483
He's from a Sudanese tribe
that has no concept of money.
502
00:30:19,735 --> 00:30:21,986
His entire village
was ransacked.
503
00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:23,320
Hey, Sub-Saharan!
504
00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:28,159
Do you think you could get me 100
child soldiers here by 5:00 p. M?
505
00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:29,285
No!
506
00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:30,661
Okay. Time out! Time out.
507
00:30:30,746 --> 00:30:31,954
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
508
00:30:32,247 --> 00:30:33,914
Shave your under-the-arms!
509
00:30:34,249 --> 00:30:37,084
I dread to think what kind of jungle
you have on your malawach!
510
00:30:37,419 --> 00:30:38,919
That is very inappropriate.
511
00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:41,922
Don't tell me what
to say and what not to say, little boy.
512
00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:44,258
You need to put
that finger away.
513
00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:45,718
I won't put my
finger away because...
514
00:30:45,802 --> 00:30:47,303
Look, I've got
two fingers now.
515
00:30:47,387 --> 00:30:48,429
Okay.
516
00:30:48,513 --> 00:30:52,099
If you do not stop using hateful
language, you cannot work here.
517
00:30:52,517 --> 00:30:54,477
All right. I promise.
518
00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:55,770
Okay.
519
00:30:57,189 --> 00:30:59,774
I tricked you,
Wolverina.
520
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:03,778
Justin Bieber's
chubby double!
521
00:31:06,031 --> 00:31:07,865
Hairy Potter!
522
00:31:15,791 --> 00:31:17,458
Good-bye, old friend.
523
00:31:24,591 --> 00:31:25,966
When will the Supreme
Leader be better?
524
00:31:26,051 --> 00:31:27,093
In time.
525
00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:31,597
He's resting in his bedroom
and must never, ever be disturbed.
526
00:31:32,015 --> 00:31:33,516
Time for bed.
527
00:31:37,687 --> 00:31:40,856
Being Aladeen has its perks,
does it not?
528
00:31:44,111 --> 00:31:45,694
Dropped your belt.
529
00:32:01,795 --> 00:32:03,170
What are you doing?
530
00:32:03,255 --> 00:32:04,463
She tried to milk me!
531
00:32:04,714 --> 00:32:05,714
No.
532
00:32:05,966 --> 00:32:08,134
They are trying
to pleasure you.
533
00:32:08,301 --> 00:32:11,053
Allow the girls to use
their many talents.
534
00:32:20,689 --> 00:32:21,730
No!
535
00:32:21,815 --> 00:32:24,316
Supreme Leader!
The girls!
536
00:32:24,651 --> 00:32:27,319
Girls, show him
your bosoms.
537
00:32:53,221 --> 00:32:56,849
Let me in! I have
85 rooms at this hotel!
538
00:32:56,933 --> 00:32:59,018
It's me, Admiral
General Aladeen!
539
00:32:59,102 --> 00:33:00,394
I lost my beard!
540
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:02,104
You don't got a pass,
you don't get in.
541
00:33:02,189 --> 00:33:05,524
But I'm staying here! I paid twenty
dollars for the fucking Internet!
542
00:33:06,318 --> 00:33:09,195
How much do you charge
for assassinations?
543
00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:31,634
Why is this
happening to me?
544
00:33:32,552 --> 00:33:35,888
All I ever did was
steal my country's wealth
545
00:33:36,348 --> 00:33:39,391
and execute anybody
who did not agree with me,
546
00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:41,143
and many who did.
547
00:33:41,811 --> 00:33:42,895
Why me?
548
00:33:43,313 --> 00:33:47,024
Why is it always
the good guys? Why?
549
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:55,241
Nadal?
550
00:34:41,621 --> 00:34:43,622
Welcome to
the Death to Aladeen Restaurant.
551
00:34:44,332 --> 00:34:47,084
Wait. You look
very familiar.
552
00:34:47,460 --> 00:34:48,752
Do I know you?
553
00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:53,632
Sorry.
554
00:34:54,009 --> 00:34:55,217
So sorry, Supreme Leader.
555
00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:57,219
Don't worry.
I'm 50% to blame.
556
00:34:59,889 --> 00:35:02,099
No! No! Supreme Leader!
557
00:35:02,976 --> 00:35:04,935
Definitely not.
I must be going.
558
00:35:05,020 --> 00:35:06,145
No, no. Stay, please.
559
00:35:06,438 --> 00:35:08,564
If you hate Aladeen
and you like good food,
560
00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:11,650
this is the place for you.
This way. Here we go.
561
00:35:26,416 --> 00:35:27,666
Enjoy it.
562
00:35:31,338 --> 00:35:32,629
No! No!
563
00:35:48,188 --> 00:35:49,355
For you.
564
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:51,815
What is your name?
565
00:35:52,233 --> 00:35:53,442
Allison Burgers.
566
00:35:54,235 --> 00:35:56,987
That's a made-up name.
What's your real name?
567
00:36:00,700 --> 00:36:01,742
Ladis.
568
00:36:02,035 --> 00:36:03,077
Ladis what?
569
00:36:03,495 --> 00:36:05,371
Ladis Washerum.
570
00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:11,585
So your name
is like the sign. "Ladies Washroom"?
571
00:36:11,669 --> 00:36:13,379
That is a made-up name.
572
00:36:13,755 --> 00:36:15,297
What is your real name?
573
00:36:15,507 --> 00:36:18,509
I am interested.
We are interested.
574
00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:23,764
Emploice.
575
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:25,432
Emploice what?
576
00:36:25,725 --> 00:36:28,185
Emploice... Muswashans.
577
00:36:30,772 --> 00:36:32,272
That is a made-up name.
578
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:35,692
Okay.
579
00:36:35,777 --> 00:36:37,903
What is your real name?
580
00:36:38,571 --> 00:36:39,863
Max.
581
00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:41,240
Max what?
582
00:36:41,449 --> 00:36:45,202
Imumoccupancyu
One-hundred-and-twenty.
583
00:36:48,248 --> 00:36:50,499
There's a number in the name?
584
00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:53,210
Who are you?
An Aladeen sympathizer?
585
00:36:53,420 --> 00:36:56,171
No, no, no!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. No, no, no!
586
00:36:56,256 --> 00:36:57,256
No!
587
00:36:57,340 --> 00:36:59,758
It's Aladeen!
It's Aladeen without the beard!
588
00:37:00,135 --> 00:37:01,885
No! It's not Aladeen!
589
00:37:02,762 --> 00:37:03,804
Hasan, lock the door!
590
00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:09,351
Wait, wait, wait, no!
There you are, cousin!
591
00:37:09,811 --> 00:37:12,146
This is my cousin.
I see you've all met him.
592
00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:15,149
He's very simple
and backwards. I'm sorry.
593
00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:16,358
- Sorry.
- It's okay, sit.
594
00:37:16,443 --> 00:37:17,776
- Okay.
- Sit and eat.
595
00:37:18,319 --> 00:37:19,611
Have a seat, cousin.
596
00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:22,614
Very sorry.
My apologies. Enjoy.
597
00:37:22,824 --> 00:37:25,909
What are you doing here?
And what has happened to your beard?
598
00:37:26,369 --> 00:37:29,538
I've been replaced by this body
double who's a total imbecile.
599
00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:31,290
How are you alive?
600
00:37:31,458 --> 00:37:34,126
How am I... Wait.
You don't know?
601
00:37:34,210 --> 00:37:35,335
No.
602
00:37:35,420 --> 00:37:38,797
Every single person
you had executed is still alive.
603
00:37:39,215 --> 00:37:41,216
We all live here
in Little Wadiya.
604
00:37:41,301 --> 00:37:43,760
The executioner, he is
a member of the Resistance!
605
00:37:44,137 --> 00:37:45,345
You mean I never
executed anybody?
606
00:37:45,430 --> 00:37:46,472
No.
607
00:37:46,556 --> 00:37:48,557
Like, honestly, zero people.
608
00:37:50,393 --> 00:37:54,396
Nadal, you must help me
get back into power.
609
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,315
What? No.
Why would I do that?
610
00:37:56,399 --> 00:37:58,775
I have a perfectly
good job here. I'm a Mac Genius!
611
00:37:59,611 --> 00:38:01,612
What do you do?
612
00:38:03,656 --> 00:38:06,950
Mostly, I clean
semen out of laptops.
613
00:38:08,203 --> 00:38:10,204
Congratulations.
Living the American dream.
614
00:38:10,747 --> 00:38:13,415
Okay, fine. I will help you.
On one condition.
615
00:38:13,499 --> 00:38:14,750
Name it.
616
00:38:14,834 --> 00:38:16,460
You reinstate me
as Head of Nuclear Research,
617
00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:18,837
so I can finish
building my bomb.
618
00:38:19,214 --> 00:38:20,214
Deal.
619
00:38:20,423 --> 00:38:22,674
One last thing.
620
00:38:22,967 --> 00:38:25,427
You will let me build
a round nuclear weapon.
621
00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:28,013
Never. It must be pointy.
622
00:38:28,556 --> 00:38:30,682
- Wait a minute. This is...
- Whoa.
623
00:38:31,893 --> 00:38:34,478
Okay, compromise. Conical.
624
00:38:34,562 --> 00:38:36,313
- Round. Round.
- Teat-shaped.
625
00:38:37,398 --> 00:38:38,649
Okay.
626
00:38:38,816 --> 00:38:40,275
- Okay. Deal.
- Deal.
627
00:38:43,613 --> 00:38:45,447
Ladies and gentlemen
of the press,
628
00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:48,742
our Supreme Leader
is indisposed to answer your questions
629
00:38:49,035 --> 00:38:52,746
as he is currently
drafting Wadiya's new constitution,
630
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:55,082
which is scheduled
to be signed
631
00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:58,252
at the Lancaster Penthouse
Ballroom in three days.
632
00:38:58,336 --> 00:39:00,003
Thank you.
No further questions.
633
00:39:13,935 --> 00:39:16,478
There is no way we're going to
get anywhere near this hotel
634
00:39:16,562 --> 00:39:18,939
without a security pass.
This is ridiculous.
635
00:39:19,691 --> 00:39:21,358
- Wait.
- What are you doing?
636
00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:23,610
Hiding from that
lesbian hobbit.
637
00:39:24,112 --> 00:39:25,195
That woman,
you know her?
638
00:39:25,571 --> 00:39:27,406
I cannot begin to tell you
what an honor it is
639
00:39:27,490 --> 00:39:29,366
to be able to provide
all of the catering...
640
00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:30,742
Well, of course.
641
00:39:30,827 --> 00:39:32,119
...and the mafroom
for this signing.
642
00:39:32,203 --> 00:39:33,870
You just paid
this month's rent!
643
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:35,998
She offered me a job.
644
00:39:36,082 --> 00:39:38,834
Can you imagine that?
Me? Working?
645
00:39:39,002 --> 00:39:42,379
Listen, hold onto that badge. It's the only
thing that'll get you past security.
646
00:39:42,463 --> 00:39:43,422
Okay, thanks.
647
00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:44,965
Wait a minute.
648
00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:49,177
Wait, her company is catering the
event. She has a security pass!
649
00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:51,555
That is the answer.
This is the plan.
650
00:39:51,639 --> 00:39:54,141
Okay? You will take that
job and you will work for her.
651
00:39:54,475 --> 00:39:57,311
I will get you
an identical beard and costume.
652
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:58,812
And then on
the day of the event,
653
00:39:58,896 --> 00:40:01,982
you enter the Lancaster
as a member of her staff.
654
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,067
You will find the double,
switch with him,
655
00:40:04,152 --> 00:40:06,611
then rip up the constitution
in front of the whole world.
656
00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:10,282
Me? Work for that
hairy titted yeti?
657
00:40:27,342 --> 00:40:28,383
Kimberly?
658
00:40:29,218 --> 00:40:30,218
Zoey.
659
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:31,511
Who cares?
660
00:40:31,971 --> 00:40:34,514
I've come here
to apologize
661
00:40:34,891 --> 00:40:38,185
about some of the comments
I may have made about
662
00:40:38,353 --> 00:40:40,312
Captain Hook and Blackie.
663
00:40:42,273 --> 00:40:43,273
Great!
664
00:40:43,649 --> 00:40:45,901
And I accept your job offer
as general manager.
665
00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:48,028
Well, you can't be the manager,
because I am the manager.
666
00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:49,488
Well, I can
if I killed you.
667
00:40:52,241 --> 00:40:54,242
I think I'm starting
to get you.
668
00:40:54,327 --> 00:40:56,453
All right, then...
I will get you.
669
00:40:57,372 --> 00:40:59,039
Great!
Let's get you to work!
670
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:01,124
Yeah?
Hold on one second.
671
00:41:01,376 --> 00:41:04,002
Hey, my man!
Excuse me. Hairnet!
672
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:05,128
Yeah.
673
00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:08,131
I need a little of the
quinoa salad, please,
674
00:41:08,341 --> 00:41:11,134
and throw a couple of
extra cranny-b's on top, if you could,
675
00:41:11,344 --> 00:41:14,137
and I kind of need you
to hurry up, chief. Chop-chop.
676
00:41:17,266 --> 00:41:18,266
Next!
677
00:41:20,228 --> 00:41:22,145
Whoa, whoa!
Occupied!
678
00:41:22,230 --> 00:41:24,523
Out. I have to clean.
Come on, out you go, out you go.
679
00:41:24,607 --> 00:41:25,899
- What? You're hurting me!
- Out. Come on.
680
00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:29,403
Hey, Allison,
can you take out the garbage? Thanks.
681
00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:39,955
Look! One of the
customers left a tip of
682
00:41:40,248 --> 00:41:44,626
some Nair and some female razors.
Does anybody want to use it?
683
00:41:49,966 --> 00:41:51,091
Stop that.
684
00:41:52,093 --> 00:41:53,385
Suck it, loser.
685
00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:01,726
Clean-up on aisle four!
686
00:42:14,449 --> 00:42:16,032
Hey, buddy, I saw that.
687
00:42:16,117 --> 00:42:18,452
That is very disrespectful
to your leader.
688
00:42:18,661 --> 00:42:19,744
Whatever, dude.
Who are you,
689
00:42:19,829 --> 00:42:22,289
Osama bin Laden's
best friend?
690
00:42:22,457 --> 00:42:25,000
No, he is not
my best friend!
691
00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:26,877
Though he has been staying
in my guest house
692
00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:29,045
ever since they shot
his double last year.
693
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:31,965
Now the guy won't leave.
694
00:42:32,049 --> 00:42:34,259
I know why this guy's
the most hated man in the world.
695
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,344
You just have to go
to the bathroom after him.
696
00:42:36,471 --> 00:42:38,388
You go to the bathroom
after Osama,
697
00:42:38,473 --> 00:42:41,224
you will realize
the true meaning of terrorism.
698
00:43:00,536 --> 00:43:01,703
Here is the plan.
699
00:43:01,787 --> 00:43:03,538
We're going to take
this helicopter tour
700
00:43:03,623 --> 00:43:06,082
and fly over
the Lancaster to spot its weaknesses.
701
00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:10,003
Remember, we're just two
ordinary American tourists
702
00:43:10,338 --> 00:43:12,339
looking at the sights.
703
00:43:12,548 --> 00:43:15,842
Don't worry, nobody gonna suspect
anything. It's a great plan, pointy.
704
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:17,802
Don't do anything
to arouse any suspicions.
705
00:43:17,887 --> 00:43:20,722
Don't worry.
I am Wadiya's number one actor.
706
00:43:20,806 --> 00:43:23,475
You don't win four
Wadiyan Golden Globes for nothing.
707
00:43:23,559 --> 00:43:25,894
Yes, you do,
because you gave them to yourself!
708
00:43:26,354 --> 00:43:29,064
My performance in
Aladeen Jones and the Temple ofDoom
709
00:43:29,148 --> 00:43:30,190
was outstanding.
710
00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:31,650
I give it thumbs down.
711
00:43:31,734 --> 00:43:33,443
Have you seen
You've Got Mail Bomb?
712
00:43:33,945 --> 00:43:36,404
Yes, I've seen them all!
They're all terrible movies!
713
00:43:36,489 --> 00:43:37,864
Listen to me. Okay?
714
00:43:38,241 --> 00:43:40,033
You are a terrible actor.
715
00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:44,246
I urge you, right now,
keep your performance small and real.
716
00:43:44,330 --> 00:43:46,248
All right, can you
get me a cloak?
717
00:43:46,332 --> 00:43:47,332
Why?
718
00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:49,167
Because I think
my guy would be wearing a cloak.
719
00:43:49,252 --> 00:43:53,463
No, your guy wears an American flag
sweatsuit and a sheriff's badge.
720
00:43:53,548 --> 00:43:54,548
I need the sheriff's badge.
721
00:43:54,632 --> 00:43:56,049
For what?
722
00:43:56,133 --> 00:43:57,425
You're sheriff
of American douche-town!
723
00:43:58,177 --> 00:43:59,177
That's rude.
724
00:43:59,262 --> 00:44:00,262
Listen.
725
00:44:00,346 --> 00:44:04,224
We're going to walk over
there, act very inconspicuous.
726
00:44:04,684 --> 00:44:05,725
- Okay. No problem.
- This has to work.
727
00:44:05,851 --> 00:44:07,519
Don't worry.
Just relax.
728
00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:11,273
Are you okay?
729
00:44:11,691 --> 00:44:12,691
My guy has a limp.
730
00:44:13,192 --> 00:44:16,278
I fell off me horse
at the old Bull & Bush Pub
731
00:44:16,362 --> 00:44:17,529
because
I am a cockney.
732
00:44:17,697 --> 00:44:18,863
Listen! Listen, okay?
733
00:44:19,031 --> 00:44:21,741
You need to focus up right now
and be prepared
734
00:44:21,909 --> 00:44:24,119
to deliver a small,
subtle performance.
735
00:44:24,203 --> 00:44:25,620
- Okay, great, okay.
- Okay, good.
736
00:44:25,705 --> 00:44:27,247
Okay. So, when
we go to fly...
737
00:44:27,331 --> 00:44:28,999
Don't do that
with your eyes!
738
00:44:29,083 --> 00:44:30,750
You can't be
a Chinese person on this thing, okay?
739
00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:32,127
I'm not chink,
I'm Chinese-American!
740
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:33,295
No, but you cannot
hold your eyes!
741
00:44:33,379 --> 00:44:34,588
Nobody is going to think
you're Chinese-American
742
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:35,630
because you hold
your eyes like that!
743
00:44:35,715 --> 00:44:37,173
It's racist,
what you are doing!
744
00:44:37,258 --> 00:44:39,801
Do you know it's a fact
that they cannot pronounce their R's?
745
00:44:39,885 --> 00:44:41,052
They pronounce them
as L's.
746
00:44:41,137 --> 00:44:43,013
So instead you know
what "rabbit" is in Chinese?
747
00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:44,222
I don't know
how to speak Chinese.
748
00:44:44,307 --> 00:44:46,516
- It's "labbit."
- It's not "labbit"!
749
00:44:46,601 --> 00:44:49,227
Yes! Who Shot Loger Labbit
was a huge hit in China!
750
00:44:49,312 --> 00:44:50,312
Nobody...
It's stup...
751
00:44:50,396 --> 00:44:51,438
All right, I don't care.
This is stupid, okay?
752
00:44:51,814 --> 00:44:54,482
Okay, I'll do Filipino.
I like to work, I like to talk.
753
00:44:54,567 --> 00:44:55,817
- Don't.
- I like the shit, I do the kids.
754
00:44:55,901 --> 00:44:56,901
Stop that.
755
00:44:57,737 --> 00:45:00,488
Your Filipino
is the same as your Chinese!
756
00:45:01,032 --> 00:45:02,365
Now who's being a lacist?
757
00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:04,909
- You're being lacist now.
- I'm not being racist!
758
00:45:04,994 --> 00:45:06,661
Right now we have to
get on this helicopter
759
00:45:06,829 --> 00:45:08,913
and we have to act
like true Americans.
760
00:45:09,081 --> 00:45:10,790
I guess you don't want me
to play black then.
761
00:45:11,292 --> 00:45:13,251
Of course I don't want you
to play black.
762
00:45:13,377 --> 00:45:15,086
Okay. Just throwing it
out there.
763
00:45:15,212 --> 00:45:16,755
Okay. Don't.
764
00:45:18,007 --> 00:45:19,090
Okay, don't do that.
765
00:45:19,216 --> 00:45:21,092
- I see what you're doing.
- That's how they walk.
766
00:45:21,177 --> 00:45:22,135
I see what you're doing,
it's not cool.
767
00:45:22,261 --> 00:45:23,261
It's how they walk.
768
00:45:36,942 --> 00:45:39,069
I love being
an Americans!
769
00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:41,654
America is number one!
770
00:45:42,448 --> 00:45:44,449
Oh, I am from U.S.A.!
771
00:45:44,533 --> 00:45:46,910
My father also
from U.S.A.
772
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:51,373
My great-grandfather fought
in the American Civil Jihad.
773
00:45:52,458 --> 00:45:54,709
I am very proud
to be an American.
774
00:45:54,794 --> 00:45:57,420
I am America's
number one douche.
775
00:46:00,841 --> 00:46:02,759
I've fooled them. Job done.
776
00:46:03,552 --> 00:46:06,388
So, how are things back at the Palace?
777
00:46:06,889 --> 00:46:10,600
Fine, but guess
who's still living in my guest house?
778
00:46:11,644 --> 00:46:12,644
Ooh, Bin Laden?
779
00:46:14,063 --> 00:46:15,355
Yes, Osama.
780
00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:18,066
Bin Laden flooding the bathroom
every time he showers...
781
00:46:18,150 --> 00:46:22,028
And how hard is it to put a bath mat
down, Bin Laden?
782
00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:27,033
Hey, do you remember
my favorite sports car?
783
00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:28,660
You mean your Porsche?
784
00:46:28,744 --> 00:46:30,245
Yes... the 911.
785
00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:32,747
911, it's the best!
786
00:46:33,374 --> 00:46:37,335
So I was driving my 911 near the
palace one day...
787
00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:39,629
and I totally crashed!
788
00:46:43,759 --> 00:46:46,010
It's ok, I've already ordered a new one.
789
00:46:46,095 --> 00:46:49,013
A brand new 9112012.
790
00:46:51,475 --> 00:46:54,352
You know, while you are here, you
should try to see some of the sights...
791
00:46:54,437 --> 00:46:57,564
such as the Empire State Building...
792
00:46:57,648 --> 00:47:00,525
and Yankee Stadium.
793
00:47:00,609 --> 00:47:05,196
And I'd love to see the fireworks
over the Statue of Liberty.
794
00:47:10,161 --> 00:47:12,370
Hey, have your old back problems been
bothering you?
795
00:47:12,455 --> 00:47:16,166
Oh, it's been terrible! It got so bad that
I made myself a back brace.
796
00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:20,795
- Really?
- Yes, look, I'm still wearing it.
797
00:47:22,465 --> 00:47:24,841
Hey, my English is getting good...
798
00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:28,553
...I bet I can count down from five
faster than you can!
799
00:47:28,888 --> 00:47:30,805
Five, four,
three, two, one!
800
00:47:36,687 --> 00:47:38,521
Allison! Are you okay?
801
00:47:38,606 --> 00:47:40,064
I... Yes.
802
00:47:40,149 --> 00:47:42,775
You know what?
You people, you make me sick!
803
00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:45,320
You see a Middle Easterner
on an aircraft
804
00:47:45,404 --> 00:47:48,448
and you just assume
that he's hatching some violent plot?
805
00:47:48,532 --> 00:47:53,077
Allison Burgers is a persecuted
dissident, not a murderous madman!
806
00:47:53,162 --> 00:47:55,997
He was reported saying, "Let's take out
the guards at the Lancaster."
807
00:47:56,081 --> 00:47:58,541
Guess what?
We deliver to the Lancaster!
808
00:47:58,626 --> 00:47:59,626
Good one!
809
00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:02,795
Maybe he wanted to
take the guards out for a falafel!
810
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:04,130
That's a bit
of a stereotype,
811
00:48:04,215 --> 00:48:07,342
but I get the idea.
Great idea! Yeah. You...
812
00:48:07,426 --> 00:48:10,428
You know what?
Is it a crime to care about your job?
813
00:48:10,513 --> 00:48:11,679
Yeah! Well,
it is in Wadiya.
814
00:48:12,306 --> 00:48:15,266
Where did you get your diversity
and sensitivity training, huh?
815
00:48:15,351 --> 00:48:16,559
The Stasi?
816
00:48:16,644 --> 00:48:20,647
Let's see how you feel about racial
profiling when white people...
817
00:48:33,244 --> 00:48:34,786
And I know
what I'm talking about
818
00:48:34,870 --> 00:48:37,413
because I majored
in Fem Lit!
819
00:48:38,249 --> 00:48:39,457
Come on.
820
00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:42,794
Hey! What are you doing?
Where are you going?
821
00:48:42,878 --> 00:48:43,878
Don't worry!
822
00:48:43,963 --> 00:48:46,047
Just suck the fatoot
of the biggest guy, you'll be fine.
823
00:48:46,131 --> 00:48:47,131
You're really
fucking me here, man!
824
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:51,469
The police here
are such fascists!
825
00:48:51,554 --> 00:48:52,679
Yeah, right,
and not in a good way.
826
00:48:52,763 --> 00:48:54,389
It just makes me so mad!
827
00:48:54,473 --> 00:48:57,225
You know, Zoey,
you were great back there.
828
00:48:57,309 --> 00:48:58,935
Thanks. I just...
829
00:48:59,562 --> 00:49:01,104
I don't know,
I just feel so sorry
830
00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:02,564
that wherever
you go in the world,
831
00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:04,315
you're the victim
of police abuse.
832
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,483
Well, not always the victim.
833
00:49:05,651 --> 00:49:09,946
Come here.
I'm just so sorry! You're okay now.
834
00:49:10,197 --> 00:49:11,281
All right?
835
00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:13,741
And I'm not gonna
let anything bad happen to you.
836
00:49:13,826 --> 00:49:15,535
You know what? Let's get you
back to the collective, okay?
837
00:49:16,328 --> 00:49:17,287
Come on.
838
00:49:17,371 --> 00:49:18,371
No, a bit more.
839
00:49:18,998 --> 00:49:20,290
Okay.
840
00:49:20,958 --> 00:49:22,959
- Come on, let's go. I need to go to work.
- I feel so sad!
841
00:49:24,628 --> 00:49:25,712
Let's do another hug, okay?
842
00:49:25,838 --> 00:49:27,505
Allison, why are you sad?
843
00:49:28,674 --> 00:49:30,008
The brutality?
844
00:49:30,301 --> 00:49:32,093
Did you suffer
from sexual abuse?
845
00:49:32,177 --> 00:49:35,305
Yes, they raped me in
a very unprofessional way.
846
00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:38,641
Oh, no.
We have to get you to the Rape Center.
847
00:49:38,726 --> 00:49:40,560
You have a center
for rape here?
848
00:49:40,644 --> 00:49:42,895
Great! I'd love to go!
Maybe another time, you know.
849
00:49:42,980 --> 00:49:46,274
Hire a limo, have some
cocktails, bring my raping shoes.
850
00:49:54,950 --> 00:49:56,326
Can you get me that one?
851
00:49:57,536 --> 00:49:58,536
Which one?
852
00:49:59,121 --> 00:50:00,788
The one with
the "fuck-me hooves."
853
00:50:01,582 --> 00:50:03,833
You're bizzare. I'm going to have
to change the channels now.
854
00:50:04,293 --> 00:50:07,086
...tour from hell
for an Ohio couple earlier today when,
855
00:50:07,254 --> 00:50:08,463
...with shades of 9l11,
856
00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:11,591
their helicopter tour
of the Manhattan skyline was cut short
857
00:50:11,675 --> 00:50:15,803
by what police are now
calling a "terrorism misunderstanding"
858
00:50:15,888 --> 00:50:19,724
involving a man named
Emer Gencyexitonly.
859
00:50:20,517 --> 00:50:21,517
Etra.
860
00:50:23,228 --> 00:50:24,395
We have a problem.
861
00:50:29,401 --> 00:50:31,819
Hannah, that guy from the
Lancaster's coming tomorrow morning,
862
00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:33,696
so why don't you take
the mafroom downstairs
863
00:50:33,781 --> 00:50:35,782
and make some sort of
a nice display?
864
00:50:35,908 --> 00:50:38,451
I just want everything
to be perfect.
865
00:50:39,078 --> 00:50:40,161
Zoey?
866
00:50:40,245 --> 00:50:41,412
Allison. Hi.
867
00:50:41,580 --> 00:50:44,165
To thank you for what you did
today at the police station,
868
00:50:44,249 --> 00:50:46,501
I have decided to
bestow upon you a gift.
869
00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:49,212
- That's sweet. What is it?
- Yeah.
870
00:50:56,595 --> 00:50:59,263
I don't know
what that is.
871
00:50:59,431 --> 00:51:02,141
It's fine.
Please, gobble up my little mouse.
872
00:51:02,935 --> 00:51:04,185
Snack on my
tiny raisin.
873
00:51:04,436 --> 00:51:05,895
Give her
a mouth bath. Go.
874
00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:09,899
Oh! No!
875
00:51:10,943 --> 00:51:13,444
No, I am not
going to do that.
876
00:51:13,779 --> 00:51:15,988
I'm getting a lot of this
and not much of this...
877
00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,828
Listen, I understand
that you're having urges, okay?
878
00:51:21,912 --> 00:51:22,954
Right.
879
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:25,623
But you need to
take care of them by yourself.
880
00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:27,750
Myself? What? How?
881
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:29,544
You need to
touch yourself.
882
00:51:29,711 --> 00:51:32,380
I don't touch myself.
Do you touch yourself?
883
00:51:32,756 --> 00:51:35,007
I think most
healthy people do, yes.
884
00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:38,428
Yeah, you touch your own
malawach? Disgusting! Yuck!
885
00:51:38,512 --> 00:51:39,595
Yuck!
886
00:51:39,847 --> 00:51:43,266
Stop joking, all right?
You've never jerked off?
887
00:51:45,269 --> 00:51:46,853
Okay, come with me.
888
00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:48,938
Where are you taking me to?
The Rape Center?
889
00:51:52,985 --> 00:51:54,485
This is silly.
890
00:51:54,820 --> 00:51:56,154
Okay...
891
00:51:56,655 --> 00:51:59,574
Take your penis out
and put it in your hands.
892
00:51:59,658 --> 00:52:00,700
This is silly.
893
00:52:02,661 --> 00:52:06,622
Now, slowly move your hand
up and down.
894
00:52:06,707 --> 00:52:07,790
Okay.
895
00:52:08,625 --> 00:52:10,793
I told you already,
this is...
896
00:52:14,131 --> 00:52:15,298
Wait.
897
00:52:15,757 --> 00:52:17,550
What sorcery is this?
898
00:52:17,634 --> 00:52:20,678
Some people
wait a lifetime
899
00:52:20,762 --> 00:52:25,475
For a moment like this
900
00:52:25,559 --> 00:52:28,811
Some people
wait a lifetime
901
00:52:28,896 --> 00:52:31,814
For a moment like this
902
00:52:31,899 --> 00:52:37,236
Whoa, I can't believe
it's happening to me
903
00:52:37,321 --> 00:52:40,239
Some people
wait a lifetime
904
00:52:40,324 --> 00:52:45,828
For a moment like this
905
00:52:50,459 --> 00:52:54,795
I can't believe
it's happening to me
906
00:52:56,256 --> 00:52:59,050
I did it!
I just jerked it completely off!
907
00:52:59,134 --> 00:53:00,593
I did it all by myself!
908
00:53:00,677 --> 00:53:03,012
With this hand right here!
909
00:53:03,096 --> 00:53:06,307
I grabbed my bilbul
like I was strangling a bird.
910
00:53:06,391 --> 00:53:08,559
And I smacked it
and I smacked it and I gave it a flick,
911
00:53:08,644 --> 00:53:09,977
and out came
my own labeneh!
912
00:53:10,229 --> 00:53:11,229
Zoey?
913
00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:14,982
Zoey! You have
changed my life!
914
00:53:15,526 --> 00:53:19,570
Give a man a vagina
and he will shpichs for a day.
915
00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:23,366
Teach a man to use
his hand as a vagina,
916
00:53:23,575 --> 00:53:25,409
and he will shpichs
for a lifetime.
917
00:53:25,869 --> 00:53:27,995
Oh. No, no. Thank you.
918
00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:31,415
Allison, you may need to keep
your voice down because...
919
00:53:31,959 --> 00:53:34,460
We've got a lot of customers.
You may want to go wash up.
920
00:53:34,545 --> 00:53:35,586
Fine.
921
00:53:35,671 --> 00:53:38,339
Joteph, go and hose down
my Crocs.
922
00:53:38,757 --> 00:53:41,842
I've done my labeneh
all over the wellness center.
923
00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:47,515
Okay.
924
00:53:50,269 --> 00:53:52,895
The guy from the Lancaster
is going to love this.
925
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:54,730
Okay.
926
00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:56,274
Good night, Allison.
927
00:53:56,567 --> 00:53:58,150
I'll see you
tomorrow morning.
928
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:00,903
Good night! Thank you again.
929
00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:07,618
This is nice. Or lovely.
930
00:54:12,833 --> 00:54:14,292
- Who is it?
- Nadal.
931
00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:15,418
What are you doing?
932
00:54:15,502 --> 00:54:17,128
I've discovered
this amazing thing.
933
00:54:17,254 --> 00:54:19,046
I have to show you
how to do it.
934
00:54:19,798 --> 00:54:20,965
It's called self juicing.
935
00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:24,051
You put your hand
on your bilbul and you rub it,
936
00:54:24,136 --> 00:54:26,387
and then you can make
your own labeneh come out.
937
00:54:26,471 --> 00:54:27,847
You don't have to
spend any Rolexes.
938
00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:29,765
You don't have to give
any dirty diamonds.
939
00:54:29,850 --> 00:54:32,685
I cannot believe I'm having this
conversation with an adult man.
940
00:54:32,769 --> 00:54:34,353
What do you mean?
You knew about this?
941
00:54:34,479 --> 00:54:35,813
Everybody knows about this.
942
00:54:36,481 --> 00:54:39,817
We all know about this
from the age of 12, 13.
943
00:54:39,985 --> 00:54:41,986
Why does nobody
ever tell me anything?
944
00:54:42,154 --> 00:54:44,947
Because you have everybody executed
who tells you anything.
945
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:47,658
Listen, I'm thinking of
revealing my true identity
946
00:54:47,868 --> 00:54:49,660
to the hairy titted ape woman.
947
00:54:49,745 --> 00:54:51,954
Whoa! No, what?
Why would you even do that?
948
00:54:52,039 --> 00:54:53,581
I think she'll be
cool with it.
949
00:54:53,832 --> 00:54:55,291
She will not be cool with it.
950
00:54:55,417 --> 00:54:58,461
How is she tojudge?
She shaves her armpits once a year,
951
00:54:58,545 --> 00:55:01,172
and she takes lovers
outside of her ethnic group.
952
00:55:01,381 --> 00:55:03,257
Are my crimes any worse
than hers?
953
00:55:03,508 --> 00:55:05,509
Remember, you hate her.
954
00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:07,219
And everything
she stands for.
955
00:55:07,638 --> 00:55:09,597
- Okay.
- I have to go now.
956
00:55:10,932 --> 00:55:11,932
I despise you.
957
00:55:12,142 --> 00:55:14,185
You know, sometimes you say
some very hurtful things.
958
00:55:14,353 --> 00:55:15,853
Anyway, I'm going to
hang up on you.
959
00:55:15,979 --> 00:55:18,856
No, come on. This is
like a real opportunity for me.
960
00:55:18,940 --> 00:55:20,024
I want to hang up first.
961
00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:21,817
I've hung up.
I hung up already.
962
00:55:23,528 --> 00:55:25,780
That is your voice
doing that noise. You have not hung up.
963
00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:27,531
I am hanging up. Click...
964
00:55:28,742 --> 00:55:29,950
Nadal, are you still there?
965
00:55:31,453 --> 00:55:33,704
- Nadal, are you still there?
- I win.
966
00:55:34,581 --> 00:55:36,165
No wonder you're a Mac Genius.
967
00:55:37,042 --> 00:55:38,501
What a fucking idiot.
968
00:55:45,258 --> 00:55:53,307
Zoey!
969
00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:57,895
Zoey.
970
00:56:09,241 --> 00:56:10,241
Zoey?
971
00:56:12,953 --> 00:56:13,953
Etra.
972
00:56:15,747 --> 00:56:16,747
Etra...
973
00:56:43,316 --> 00:56:45,776
Etra, is this because
you're the only virgin guard
974
00:56:45,861 --> 00:56:47,027
that I left a virgin?
975
00:58:16,243 --> 00:58:18,828
One, two...
976
00:58:20,914 --> 00:58:21,997
Bloop.
977
00:58:23,583 --> 00:58:24,750
Text book.
978
00:58:26,461 --> 00:58:29,296
Thank you so much
for meeting me early, Mr. Ogden.
979
00:58:29,631 --> 00:58:31,382
I cannot wait for you
to sample our mafroom.
980
00:58:31,550 --> 00:58:33,342
You are gonna swear
that you're in Wadiya.
981
00:58:34,344 --> 00:58:36,262
Excuse me.
What is that over there?
982
00:58:36,555 --> 00:58:38,514
That is a "C"
in your window.
983
00:58:38,723 --> 00:58:40,850
No, no, no... They're totally
biased against this. They hate us.
984
00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:42,685
No, it's not.
I know what a "C" means.
985
00:58:42,769 --> 00:58:43,978
It's not a very good...
986
00:58:48,400 --> 00:58:49,567
Oh, my God!
987
00:58:50,735 --> 00:58:52,194
Allison, what happened?
988
00:58:54,906 --> 00:58:56,490
I don't know, I...
989
00:58:56,783 --> 00:58:59,243
I was downstairs
self juicing.
990
00:59:01,037 --> 00:59:02,037
All night?
991
00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:03,330
Yes.
992
00:59:03,498 --> 00:59:04,790
I'm sorry,
you were doing what?
993
00:59:05,250 --> 00:59:06,417
Doing the jerk off.
994
00:59:06,793 --> 00:59:08,544
Jerking myself to totally off.
995
00:59:08,628 --> 00:59:10,170
- I'm sorry?
- Let me show you.
996
00:59:10,380 --> 00:59:11,589
- No.
- She taught me.
997
00:59:11,756 --> 00:59:12,840
Oh, she taught you, did she?
998
00:59:12,924 --> 00:59:15,342
- No...
- Well, thank you very much.
999
00:59:15,510 --> 00:59:16,677
The contract is canceled.
1000
00:59:16,761 --> 00:59:17,761
- That's it!
- No.
1001
00:59:17,846 --> 00:59:19,263
No, I'm going to Green World.
It's over.
1002
00:59:19,431 --> 00:59:20,848
- No, Mr. Ogden.
- Remember, I have to pay that...
1003
00:59:20,932 --> 00:59:23,893
- Please, no, no.
- Self juicing. Filth!
1004
00:59:24,936 --> 00:59:26,020
Oh, my God...
1005
00:59:26,438 --> 00:59:27,521
Zoey...
1006
00:59:27,772 --> 00:59:29,315
We must get
that contract back.
1007
00:59:29,608 --> 00:59:30,774
We can't!
1008
00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:33,903
It's impossible.
We can't compete with Green World.
1009
00:59:34,613 --> 00:59:36,447
We will see about that.
1010
00:59:36,531 --> 00:59:39,658
But from now on,
it is my way
1011
00:59:39,743 --> 00:59:44,413
or the highwahahtmaa-
fferrohshelechnichway.
1012
00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:47,458
There has been
a regime change!
1013
00:59:47,542 --> 00:59:49,877
Yo! You are
stocking the shelves.
1014
00:59:50,295 --> 00:59:52,713
You, senile
Romanian accountant.
1015
00:59:52,797 --> 00:59:54,465
You are on
the cash register.
1016
00:59:54,633 --> 00:59:58,552
The CEO of Green World
does not drive a hybrid!
1017
01:00:00,805 --> 01:00:02,973
The chemicals
in Green World produce
1018
01:00:03,224 --> 01:00:05,392
made this boy
grow tits!
1019
01:00:11,066 --> 01:00:13,233
You promise not
to steal again?
1020
01:00:13,318 --> 01:00:14,985
I won't. I won't!
1021
01:00:15,236 --> 01:00:16,946
Give him one more
for fun, Viktor.
1022
01:00:36,967 --> 01:00:38,384
Good choice.
1023
01:00:53,108 --> 01:00:54,775
Hi, Viktor.
1024
01:01:10,792 --> 01:01:12,376
Supreme Grocer.
1025
01:01:12,460 --> 01:01:14,211
The radicchio
has been washed and sorted,
1026
01:01:14,295 --> 01:01:16,046
and the spray hose
has been tightly coiled.
1027
01:01:16,131 --> 01:01:17,798
Very good. Now go upstairs
1028
01:01:17,882 --> 01:01:20,134
and finish composting
the wheatgrass tailings, okay?
1029
01:01:20,218 --> 01:01:21,468
Yes, Supreme Grocer.
1030
01:01:23,471 --> 01:01:24,805
Zoey!
1031
01:01:24,889 --> 01:01:27,141
What? Look...
1032
01:01:27,767 --> 01:01:28,809
Wow!
1033
01:01:29,436 --> 01:01:30,894
It's amazing!
1034
01:01:30,979 --> 01:01:33,731
Oh, it's not amazing.
It's just a little less shit.
1035
01:01:34,024 --> 01:01:35,816
Well, thank you.
1036
01:01:37,027 --> 01:01:38,777
- Sorry.
- Oh, of course.
1037
01:01:38,862 --> 01:01:41,739
- Personal.
- Thank you. Thank you again.
1038
01:01:43,908 --> 01:01:45,826
- Hello?
- I have some very good news.
1039
01:01:45,910 --> 01:01:46,952
What is it?
1040
01:01:47,037 --> 01:01:50,664
I managed to buy some beards at the
wig store today that are perfect.
1041
01:01:50,749 --> 01:01:52,958
No, Nadal,
it must be real hair.
1042
01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:55,085
- And from the head of a great man!
- What?
1043
01:01:55,170 --> 01:01:56,837
Like Castro or Gandalf.
1044
01:01:56,921 --> 01:01:58,172
No...
1045
01:02:01,009 --> 01:02:03,677
Well done, Nadal.
This beard is perfect.
1046
01:02:08,850 --> 01:02:10,934
Those are lovely flowers.
1047
01:02:11,019 --> 01:02:12,936
You know, Zoey is
thinking of opening
1048
01:02:13,021 --> 01:02:15,355
an eco-friendly
flower section to the store.
1049
01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:18,734
This is the fifth time you've mentioned
her today. What is going on?
1050
01:02:18,818 --> 01:02:20,486
The signing
is in two days.
1051
01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:22,404
Tell me you're not
falling for this woman!
1052
01:02:22,864 --> 01:02:25,532
Of course I'm not.
This is silly.
1053
01:02:25,867 --> 01:02:28,869
Okay, good. All we need to do
is slip into this chapel...
1054
01:02:28,953 --> 01:02:30,120
And yet, it's strange.
1055
01:02:30,205 --> 01:02:32,122
The other day,
I asked her to, you know,
1056
01:02:32,207 --> 01:02:34,875
gobble on my bilbul
and she said, "No."
1057
01:02:34,959 --> 01:02:36,960
So obviously
I wanted to execute her.
1058
01:02:37,045 --> 01:02:40,297
But the thought of
her decapitated head actually upset me,
1059
01:02:40,381 --> 01:02:42,132
- so I decided not to do it.
- No.
1060
01:02:42,217 --> 01:02:45,552
When the thought of someone's
decapitated head upsets you,
1061
01:02:45,637 --> 01:02:47,387
that is love.
1062
01:02:47,639 --> 01:02:50,641
- I swear, I don't even like her at all.
- You don't like her?
1063
01:02:50,809 --> 01:02:53,560
She has the body shape
of a 14-year-old boy.
1064
01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:57,648
Well, that is
a particular weakness of yours.
1065
01:02:57,732 --> 01:02:59,650
Need I remind you of
the Menudo incident?
1066
01:02:59,859 --> 01:03:01,610
Those boys had
their eyes open.
1067
01:03:01,694 --> 01:03:02,986
They knew exactly
what they were doing.
1068
01:03:03,071 --> 01:03:04,571
We made them
have their eyes open.
1069
01:03:04,656 --> 01:03:06,824
You made me hold
one of their eyes open,
1070
01:03:06,908 --> 01:03:08,534
so they'd see what
you were doing to them.
1071
01:03:09,119 --> 01:03:11,161
They seemed to be having
a pretty good time.
1072
01:03:11,246 --> 01:03:13,705
They were not.
Those boys were crying.
1073
01:03:13,998 --> 01:03:15,249
Three of them
killed themselves!
1074
01:03:16,251 --> 01:03:17,376
Nothing to do with me.
1075
01:03:17,460 --> 01:03:19,837
Everything to do with you!
A lot of them wrote notes.
1076
01:03:19,921 --> 01:03:22,589
In their suicide notes
they named you by name!
1077
01:03:22,841 --> 01:03:25,133
It's all a rumor.
And you're being silly.
1078
01:03:25,718 --> 01:03:27,052
Hello, gentlemen.
How you doin'?
1079
01:03:27,345 --> 01:03:28,846
Are you guys
friends of the deceased?
1080
01:03:29,556 --> 01:03:30,931
How do I put this?
1081
01:03:31,182 --> 01:03:32,683
He was my nigger.
1082
01:03:33,017 --> 01:03:34,476
No, that's not
the way to put it.
1083
01:03:34,602 --> 01:03:36,228
- Whoa, whoa!
- No?
1084
01:03:36,479 --> 01:03:37,771
He was my negger.
Nigger. Nagger?
1085
01:03:37,981 --> 01:03:39,189
- No, no, no.
- What is that?
1086
01:03:39,274 --> 01:03:40,566
- Negar. Nigger? Nagur?
- No, no.
1087
01:03:40,650 --> 01:03:41,817
Please stop. Please.
1088
01:03:41,901 --> 01:03:42,943
I told you,
before we came in.
1089
01:03:43,027 --> 01:03:45,529
One word, do not say.
Is the exact word you're using now.
1090
01:03:45,613 --> 01:03:46,989
- No, I said Nuga...
- One dozen times.
1091
01:03:47,198 --> 01:03:50,117
Please relate to him that there could be
two funerals today.
1092
01:03:50,243 --> 01:03:52,202
I... Believe me
when I tell you,
1093
01:03:52,328 --> 01:03:55,622
we are here only
to pay our respects to a great man.
1094
01:03:55,874 --> 01:03:58,041
Okay, Eldridge's casket
is laying in the chapel right now.
1095
01:03:58,334 --> 01:03:59,877
We're gonna have the
viewing in a few minutes.
1096
01:04:00,211 --> 01:04:01,378
Thank you very much.
1097
01:04:03,006 --> 01:04:04,381
I love your music,
by the way.
1098
01:04:04,549 --> 01:04:05,924
No, it's not.
He's not a musician.
1099
01:04:06,050 --> 01:04:09,928
I'm so, so sorry that
Whitney turned out like she did.
1100
01:04:10,054 --> 01:04:11,305
- It's not Bobby Brown.
- Hey...
1101
01:04:15,977 --> 01:04:18,228
- Go there.
- Okay. Here we go.
1102
01:04:27,864 --> 01:04:28,947
Hello?
Somebody in here?
1103
01:04:29,032 --> 01:04:31,158
Nadal!
The Sub-Saharans have discovered us!
1104
01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:32,826
- What? Okay, okay, okay!
- Hurry, hurry!
1105
01:04:32,911 --> 01:04:34,411
- Just a moment!
- What you doin' in there?
1106
01:04:34,913 --> 01:04:36,538
Jerking off.
1107
01:04:37,123 --> 01:04:38,123
Open this door!
1108
01:04:38,583 --> 01:04:40,500
- No, no, no!
- Open the door now!
1109
01:04:40,752 --> 01:04:43,086
Quick! Plan B! Plan B!
1110
01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:53,764
Why did you
chop off his head?
1111
01:04:53,848 --> 01:04:54,932
You said Plan B!
1112
01:04:55,016 --> 01:04:56,808
Plan B was to have
coffee and regroup,
1113
01:04:56,893 --> 01:04:59,227
it was not to
chop his head off!
1114
01:05:07,278 --> 01:05:09,071
Good morning, Nadal!
1115
01:05:09,948 --> 01:05:12,282
Wake up!
Good morning, Nadal!
1116
01:05:14,827 --> 01:05:16,411
No, no, no, no, no, no!
1117
01:05:16,579 --> 01:05:17,621
Get this away from me!
1118
01:05:17,705 --> 01:05:18,956
You know, me and you
are quite a team.
1119
01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:20,040
No, no.
1120
01:05:20,124 --> 01:05:21,541
You know who else
makes a great team?
1121
01:05:21,626 --> 01:05:24,086
Ebony and ivory
1122
01:05:24,170 --> 01:05:25,587
No, no, no!
1123
01:05:25,713 --> 01:05:27,047
Live together
in perfect harmony
1124
01:05:27,131 --> 01:05:28,131
What is wrong with you?
Get it out of here!
1125
01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:30,175
Good one.
1126
01:05:34,639 --> 01:05:36,598
Splish splash
I was taking a bath!
1127
01:05:37,558 --> 01:05:39,142
No! Get it out of here!
1128
01:05:40,311 --> 01:05:41,979
Oh, that is weird.
1129
01:05:43,481 --> 01:05:48,318
I threw in some carob-covered goji
berries, just as a treat. Enjoy.
1130
01:05:48,820 --> 01:05:53,073
Thank you. That's very kind of
you. You're a very nice man.
1131
01:05:53,658 --> 01:05:55,659
What the fuck
did you call me?
1132
01:05:56,661 --> 01:05:58,495
I said you were nice!
1133
01:06:03,501 --> 01:06:07,421
Allison! The Lancaster just
called! We got the contract back!
1134
01:06:07,505 --> 01:06:09,589
- Great! Whatever!
- I know!
1135
01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:12,009
Green World is shutting down
their Manhattan store!
1136
01:06:12,343 --> 01:06:14,219
I wonder what
could have happened?
1137
01:06:16,180 --> 01:06:18,265
Be careful with that,
sweetheart. Be careful.
1138
01:06:18,599 --> 01:06:21,351
Oh, yeah, we're going to
have a nice big salad.
1139
01:06:22,186 --> 01:06:23,895
Celebratory cuddle?
1140
01:06:25,523 --> 01:06:26,606
Well done!
1141
01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:28,191
- You smell bad.
- I know.
1142
01:06:28,693 --> 01:06:29,776
Help!
1143
01:06:29,861 --> 01:06:32,070
Somebody help!
My wife is in labor!
1144
01:06:32,405 --> 01:06:34,031
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
1145
01:06:34,198 --> 01:06:36,992
Baby? The ambulance can't
be here for 20 minutes. Can you hold it?
1146
01:06:37,076 --> 01:06:38,744
I can't hold it!
It's coming out!
1147
01:06:39,037 --> 01:06:40,162
It's coming out!
1148
01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:42,956
Does anyone have
any medical experience?
1149
01:06:43,207 --> 01:06:46,793
I was Wadiya's Chief Surgeon
for the last 22 years.
1150
01:06:47,086 --> 01:06:48,879
Please.
Please help us. Please.
1151
01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:51,131
- Allison, they need your help. Come on.
- Okay, fine.
1152
01:06:51,758 --> 01:06:52,758
Come on.
1153
01:06:53,259 --> 01:06:54,342
Are you okay?
1154
01:06:55,762 --> 01:06:57,471
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
1155
01:06:57,555 --> 01:06:58,930
Sorry! Old habits die hard.
1156
01:06:59,390 --> 01:07:01,058
All right, I'm going in.
1157
01:07:02,977 --> 01:07:04,019
That's the wrong hole!
1158
01:07:04,103 --> 01:07:06,063
- What?
- You just put your fist up the wrong hole.
1159
01:07:06,230 --> 01:07:07,856
If I had a dollar for
every time I heard that.
1160
01:07:09,734 --> 01:07:10,776
Get it outta there.
1161
01:07:11,486 --> 01:07:13,487
- Going in again.
- Okay, good.
1162
01:07:13,654 --> 01:07:15,238
Still my asshole!
1163
01:07:15,490 --> 01:07:16,990
What is wrong
with you, man?
1164
01:07:17,075 --> 01:07:18,533
You just put it in
my asshole again!
1165
01:07:18,618 --> 01:07:20,118
Just go up
from where you are.
1166
01:07:20,828 --> 01:07:23,455
The good news is,
your prostate is completely healthy.
1167
01:07:24,415 --> 01:07:26,083
That's good. That's good.
1168
01:07:26,334 --> 01:07:27,709
- Going in again.
- Okay, good.
1169
01:07:31,422 --> 01:07:32,589
Hold on.
1170
01:07:33,925 --> 01:07:34,966
What are you...
1171
01:07:37,011 --> 01:07:38,845
Allison, stop it!
You need two hands!
1172
01:07:39,180 --> 01:07:40,347
But I'm in the middle
of the text.
1173
01:07:40,598 --> 01:07:42,182
It's coming out!
1174
01:07:47,438 --> 01:07:48,814
- Where is that coming from?
- What?
1175
01:07:54,112 --> 01:07:56,113
I'm really sorry.
I'm gonna have to take this call.
1176
01:07:56,322 --> 01:07:57,656
Is there a phone
in my body?
1177
01:07:57,949 --> 01:07:59,282
What are you doing?
1178
01:07:59,408 --> 01:08:00,784
I'm in
the Lincoln Tunnel.
1179
01:08:00,993 --> 01:08:03,328
What? Okay, look.
We need to talk for a minute.
1180
01:08:03,663 --> 01:08:05,622
Hello, Nadal.
Listen, I can't speak now.
1181
01:08:05,706 --> 01:08:07,207
I'll speak to you later,
okay? Bye!
1182
01:08:07,542 --> 01:08:09,459
Stop talking to my vagina!
1183
01:08:10,795 --> 01:08:13,463
Zoey, the baby's stuck. I need you to put
your hand in and help me.
1184
01:08:13,756 --> 01:08:15,006
- What? No...
- Come on! Put it in!
1185
01:08:15,091 --> 01:08:16,800
- No, don't be scared. Put it in.
- Okay. Okay.
1186
01:08:17,051 --> 01:08:18,385
- I'm sorry.
- Put it right there on the right side.
1187
01:08:18,469 --> 01:08:20,387
- Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh!
- Push in.
1188
01:08:21,556 --> 01:08:22,681
I think I feel an arm!
1189
01:08:24,308 --> 01:08:25,308
That's my finger.
1190
01:08:38,698 --> 01:08:41,241
Excuse me. You guys
make a really cute couple together.
1191
01:08:41,325 --> 01:08:42,951
But maybe could you finish doing this
1192
01:08:43,035 --> 01:08:44,995
when you're not elbow-deep
in my pussy!
1193
01:08:45,329 --> 01:08:47,539
Okay, Allison,
you've got the head?
1194
01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:49,583
- I've got the head.
- Okay, it's coming out.
1195
01:08:49,667 --> 01:08:50,709
Come on, push!
1196
01:08:53,171 --> 01:08:56,006
Where are the rebel bases?
Where are the rebel bases?
1197
01:08:56,340 --> 01:08:57,883
Sorry, sorry.
1198
01:08:58,176 --> 01:09:01,136
Wait, I can see the head!
I can see the head!
1199
01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:02,345
I can't push anymore!
1200
01:09:06,851 --> 01:09:09,269
You did it!
You did it!
1201
01:09:17,528 --> 01:09:18,862
I sentence you
1202
01:09:19,197 --> 01:09:20,697
to life.
1203
01:09:23,201 --> 01:09:24,284
It's still attached!
1204
01:09:24,410 --> 01:09:26,369
Sorry. Oh, no.
1205
01:09:26,537 --> 01:09:27,871
- What's wrong?
- I'm sorry.
1206
01:09:28,080 --> 01:09:29,581
It's bad news.
1207
01:09:29,916 --> 01:09:31,041
It's a girl.
1208
01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:34,211
Where's the trash can?
1209
01:09:34,420 --> 01:09:36,421
No, no, no, no!
That's what we wanted!
1210
01:09:36,714 --> 01:09:38,381
We'll take her,
we'll take her.
1211
01:09:38,466 --> 01:09:39,466
Oh, baby.
1212
01:09:43,971 --> 01:09:46,806
You were so
amazing down there.
1213
01:09:47,141 --> 01:09:49,226
You saved
a little person's life.
1214
01:09:58,402 --> 01:09:59,986
It feels so nice
to kiss you.
1215
01:10:00,071 --> 01:10:01,488
I know. It's nice
to kiss you, too.
1216
01:10:01,572 --> 01:10:03,073
I love the hugging.
1217
01:10:03,491 --> 01:10:04,908
I just came.
1218
01:10:08,162 --> 01:10:09,663
I don't care.
1219
01:10:11,040 --> 01:10:12,165
Lie back.
1220
01:10:12,250 --> 01:10:13,291
Okay.
1221
01:10:13,376 --> 01:10:15,043
This is going to be
amazing for you.
1222
01:10:15,127 --> 01:10:16,461
Okay!
1223
01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:31,059
You have such
a small stomach.
1224
01:10:31,227 --> 01:10:33,520
It's like
a 10-year-old boy's.
1225
01:10:35,439 --> 01:10:38,066
Normally, I don't kiss
a 10-year-old boy's stomach.
1226
01:10:38,276 --> 01:10:39,484
They kiss mine.
1227
01:10:40,861 --> 01:10:41,861
See you in 15 minutes.
1228
01:10:45,283 --> 01:10:46,324
Okay.
1229
01:10:55,376 --> 01:10:56,710
Wait, wait.
1230
01:10:57,044 --> 01:10:58,378
Wait.
1231
01:11:00,339 --> 01:11:02,507
Allison,
before we go any further,
1232
01:11:03,384 --> 01:11:05,468
there's something
that I want to tell you.
1233
01:11:05,720 --> 01:11:08,305
You've got a dick.
I knew it.
1234
01:11:09,056 --> 01:11:11,182
Allison,
I don't have a dick.
1235
01:11:11,434 --> 01:11:12,684
Great!
1236
01:11:13,060 --> 01:11:15,437
And I've never been
with a guy with a dick.
1237
01:11:15,646 --> 01:11:16,938
Or any guy.
1238
01:11:18,607 --> 01:11:19,649
Or boys.
1239
01:11:21,819 --> 01:11:22,986
Just girls.
1240
01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:25,447
And children.
1241
01:11:25,948 --> 01:11:28,783
Not male ones.
Female ones.
1242
01:11:32,455 --> 01:11:34,706
What I wanted to
tell you was this.
1243
01:11:34,790 --> 01:11:37,959
I really want
to be with you, Allison Burgers.
1244
01:11:38,794 --> 01:11:40,045
Zoey,
1245
01:11:41,839 --> 01:11:43,923
I'm not really
Allison Burgers.
1246
01:11:45,009 --> 01:11:47,677
I'm actually
a little somebody called
1247
01:11:48,679 --> 01:11:50,680
Admiral General
1248
01:11:51,390 --> 01:11:52,640
Aladeen.
1249
01:11:57,063 --> 01:11:59,230
No, what's your real name?
1250
01:11:59,440 --> 01:12:01,191
Wait, this will
convince you.
1251
01:12:03,027 --> 01:12:04,069
Look, it's me!
1252
01:12:04,987 --> 01:12:08,156
The weapons inspectors
will bathe in their own blood!
1253
01:12:09,575 --> 01:12:11,034
That's your beard?
1254
01:12:11,118 --> 01:12:13,161
No, no, no!
It's not my beard.
1255
01:12:13,245 --> 01:12:15,288
My friend chopped the head
off Morgan Freeman.
1256
01:12:15,748 --> 01:12:18,041
It's a hilarious story.
I'll tell you later, okay?
1257
01:12:18,584 --> 01:12:21,878
You are out of your mind.
You're insane!
1258
01:12:22,046 --> 01:12:24,964
Well, you download songs
illegally from the Internet.
1259
01:12:25,508 --> 01:12:27,050
So let's not
throw stones, okay?
1260
01:12:27,802 --> 01:12:29,135
You're a murderer!
1261
01:12:29,470 --> 01:12:31,513
No, no, no!
Zoey, Zoey, Zoey! No.
1262
01:12:31,597 --> 01:12:34,849
You were just using me
to get access to that hotel!
1263
01:12:34,934 --> 01:12:36,142
No!
1264
01:12:36,227 --> 01:12:39,813
Zoey, I'm attracted to you
in a really fucked-up way.
1265
01:12:40,314 --> 01:12:42,315
Oh, my God!
1266
01:12:42,650 --> 01:12:45,193
I'm canceling that
contract tomorrow!
1267
01:12:45,653 --> 01:12:47,904
No, Zoey! What have
I ever done wrong?
1268
01:12:48,155 --> 01:12:50,156
You lied to me!
1269
01:12:50,241 --> 01:12:52,659
And you're wanted
for war crimes!
1270
01:12:52,743 --> 01:12:54,327
That stuff never sticks.
1271
01:12:54,912 --> 01:12:56,621
You need to leave now.
1272
01:12:57,665 --> 01:13:01,126
You have broken my heart
into Aladeen pieces.
1273
01:13:23,732 --> 01:13:26,109
With the signing of the
constitution tomorrow morning,
1274
01:13:26,193 --> 01:13:28,695
democracy in Wadiya
is just hours away,
1275
01:13:28,779 --> 01:13:31,114
and people are
in the streets celebrating.
1276
01:13:31,407 --> 01:13:35,452
Kill Aladeen,
kill Aladeen, hey!
1277
01:13:39,790 --> 01:13:41,624
What do you think of
Admiral General Aladeen?
1278
01:13:41,750 --> 01:13:43,668
We hate him. We hate him.
1279
01:13:43,794 --> 01:13:46,296
You know,
when we think ofhim, we...
1280
01:13:46,630 --> 01:13:48,965
We vomit, and we spit
and we don't want him.
1281
01:13:49,175 --> 01:13:51,301
What would you say to General
Aladeen ifhe were watching this?
1282
01:13:51,510 --> 01:13:53,178
I have a message
forAladeen.
1283
01:13:53,679 --> 01:13:54,888
Suevel.
1284
01:13:55,097 --> 01:13:57,640
Suevel. Suevel.
1285
01:14:16,660 --> 01:14:18,244
- Good-bye!
- Stop, stop, wait!
1286
01:14:18,329 --> 01:14:19,329
What are you doing?
1287
01:14:20,664 --> 01:14:21,664
How did you find me?
1288
01:14:22,249 --> 01:14:24,334
You texted me, like,
seven times.
1289
01:14:26,253 --> 01:14:27,921
I am executing myself!
1290
01:14:28,255 --> 01:14:29,589
What? Why?
1291
01:14:29,757 --> 01:14:31,299
Because no one
has ever loved me!
1292
01:14:31,675 --> 01:14:33,718
Your father would
be ashamed of you!
1293
01:14:33,802 --> 01:14:36,429
No, I've realized
I don't want to be like my father!
1294
01:14:36,513 --> 01:14:39,057
In fact,
I don't want to be a dictator anymore!
1295
01:14:39,141 --> 01:14:40,308
What's that now?
1296
01:14:40,517 --> 01:14:43,311
I've been on a spiritual journey,
man, like Eat, Pray, Love.
1297
01:14:44,563 --> 01:14:46,231
Have you gone insane?
1298
01:14:46,482 --> 01:14:48,524
I now know that
on the outside,
1299
01:14:48,609 --> 01:14:49,984
I am a bit of
a cocksucker.
1300
01:14:50,277 --> 01:14:53,154
- Yeah.
- But deep down I'm nice.
1301
01:14:53,405 --> 01:14:55,740
- Not really.
- Yes, I am! I'm like mafroom.
1302
01:14:56,033 --> 01:14:58,159
Hard and spiky
on the outside,
1303
01:14:58,244 --> 01:15:00,328
but soft and
really mushy on the in.
1304
01:15:00,537 --> 01:15:03,873
You're not like
mafroom at all. You're like an onion.
1305
01:15:04,166 --> 01:15:06,125
An outer layer
of cocksucker,
1306
01:15:06,210 --> 01:15:07,627
and when you
peel it away,
1307
01:15:07,711 --> 01:15:10,421
there is 10 more layers
of cocksucker underneath.
1308
01:15:12,549 --> 01:15:13,883
You are such a schmuck!
1309
01:15:14,176 --> 01:15:16,719
- Why are you speaking Yiddish?
- I picked it up.
1310
01:15:16,845 --> 01:15:19,305
What do you mean,
"I picked it up"? Who picks up Yiddish?
1311
01:15:19,390 --> 01:15:20,556
I'm in New York!
1312
01:15:20,641 --> 01:15:22,892
We're trying to erase
that country off the map!
1313
01:15:22,977 --> 01:15:25,061
I don't like the people,
but I like the way that
1314
01:15:25,145 --> 01:15:27,814
their words really sound like
what they're meant to be.
1315
01:15:27,898 --> 01:15:30,733
Oh, I'm sorry! Did I not get the
Evite to your bar mitzvah?
1316
01:15:30,818 --> 01:15:31,985
Oh, my God!
1317
01:15:32,069 --> 01:15:34,112
You've got real
chutzpah saying that!
1318
01:15:34,196 --> 01:15:36,406
Look, where has being
a nice guy gotten you, huh?
1319
01:15:36,699 --> 01:15:38,908
Standing on the edge
of a bridge about to commit suicide?
1320
01:15:38,993 --> 01:15:40,076
Still wearing Crocs?
1321
01:15:40,744 --> 01:15:42,161
What's wrong with Crocs?
1322
01:15:42,246 --> 01:15:45,248
They are the universal symbol of a
man who has given up hope!
1323
01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:48,334
You might as well
put sweatpants on
1324
01:15:48,419 --> 01:15:50,336
and go to Applebee's
for the rest of your life!
1325
01:15:51,380 --> 01:15:53,339
I'll give you that one.
I do look ridiculous.
1326
01:15:53,424 --> 01:15:57,260
Yes! Listen, if you won't
come down from there for yourself,
1327
01:15:57,344 --> 01:15:58,594
do it for your country.
1328
01:15:58,762 --> 01:16:00,513
If this constitution
is signed,
1329
01:16:00,597 --> 01:16:03,808
there will be free press,
women drivers, civil rights!
1330
01:16:04,018 --> 01:16:05,101
What are "civil rights"?
1331
01:16:05,394 --> 01:16:07,645
I'll tell you later.
They're hilarious.
1332
01:16:08,147 --> 01:16:11,607
Look, you alone can stop
these terrible things from happening.
1333
01:16:11,900 --> 01:16:14,485
You are the last
great dictator!
1334
01:16:14,903 --> 01:16:17,071
All of the others
are gone! Qaddafi,
1335
01:16:17,281 --> 01:16:19,782
Saddam, Kim Jong, Cheney.
1336
01:16:21,827 --> 01:16:23,286
You are right, Nadal.
1337
01:16:23,746 --> 01:16:25,830
I will become
the greatest dictator of all,
1338
01:16:25,914 --> 01:16:27,915
the envy of madmen
everywhere!
1339
01:16:28,125 --> 01:16:29,709
Yes, Supreme Leader!
1340
01:16:29,793 --> 01:16:33,171
From the mountaintops of North Korea
to the jungles of Zimbabwe,
1341
01:16:33,255 --> 01:16:37,508
let every child laborer
and sweatshop factory worker sing,
1342
01:16:37,593 --> 01:16:40,261
"Oppressed at last!
Oppressed at last!
1343
01:16:40,637 --> 01:16:43,431
"Thank Aladeen,
I am oppressed at last!"
1344
01:16:43,515 --> 01:16:44,682
Yes! Whoa!
1345
01:16:44,767 --> 01:16:46,059
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?
1346
01:16:46,143 --> 01:16:47,518
- No, no, no, no, don't fall.
- I'm not doing anything.
1347
01:16:47,603 --> 01:16:50,271
Just do like a pull-up.
You know how you do pull-ups?
1348
01:16:50,356 --> 01:16:51,564
I invented the pull-up.
1349
01:16:55,861 --> 01:16:58,946
If you're just joining us, we
are at the Lancaster Hotel,
1350
01:16:59,031 --> 01:17:00,740
where in about 20 minutes,
1351
01:17:02,826 --> 01:17:04,660
General Aladeen will be signing the
new Wadiyan constitution.
1352
01:17:04,745 --> 01:17:06,579
Dignitaries from
around the world
1353
01:17:06,663 --> 01:17:09,582
are arriving now to witness
the creation of a democracy
1354
01:17:09,666 --> 01:17:12,460
that will undoubtedly change
the political landscape
1355
01:17:12,544 --> 01:17:14,253
of the entire region.
1356
01:17:14,505 --> 01:17:17,507
As Wadiya goes,
so goes North Africa.
1357
01:17:24,014 --> 01:17:26,808
Eddie Norton, next time,
you pee on me.
1358
01:17:27,101 --> 01:17:28,184
Whatever.
1359
01:17:28,519 --> 01:17:30,520
And tell Viggo Mortensen
he is on my radar.
1360
01:17:32,981 --> 01:17:35,358
How do you say,
"Fly is in the soup"?
1361
01:17:35,442 --> 01:17:37,276
Gentlemen, Tamir.
1362
01:17:37,653 --> 01:17:39,779
Let me introduce you
to my beautiful wife.
1363
01:17:40,322 --> 01:17:42,740
Mrs. Lao, it is my
very great pleasure.
1364
01:17:42,825 --> 01:17:44,992
No, no, no, no.
She does not speak English.
1365
01:17:45,077 --> 01:17:46,285
Watch this.
1366
01:17:46,995 --> 01:17:48,621
You ugly horse!
1367
01:17:49,289 --> 01:17:50,331
She doesn't know.
1368
01:17:50,958 --> 01:17:55,128
"Ohhh." See?
She goes "Ohhh" all the time. Watch.
1369
01:17:55,671 --> 01:17:57,338
Shaved ape.
1370
01:17:57,923 --> 01:17:58,965
"Ohhh."
1371
01:18:12,479 --> 01:18:15,481
Wait. That is how you intend to get me
across to the Lancaster?
1372
01:18:15,732 --> 01:18:16,816
Absolutely.
1373
01:18:16,900 --> 01:18:18,234
- Where'd you get that?
- I built it.
1374
01:18:18,652 --> 01:18:20,903
When I was going
to assassinate you.
1375
01:18:21,321 --> 01:18:22,405
You mean my double.
1376
01:18:25,075 --> 01:18:26,451
Sure. Yeah.
1377
01:18:34,209 --> 01:18:36,127
Bingo!
1378
01:18:39,173 --> 01:18:40,173
Love it!
1379
01:18:40,257 --> 01:18:41,299
- Here's what you do.
- Okay.
1380
01:18:41,383 --> 01:18:44,385
Zipline across,
kill the double,
1381
01:18:44,470 --> 01:18:47,054
and then rip up the constitution in
front of the world's media.
1382
01:18:47,139 --> 01:18:48,139
Piece of cake.
1383
01:19:02,529 --> 01:19:04,780
Hello, Lancaster!
1384
01:19:13,749 --> 01:19:15,041
I don't understand
what has happened.
1385
01:19:15,125 --> 01:19:17,210
My calculations
were very precise.
1386
01:19:17,878 --> 01:19:19,837
If you lose enough weight,
then the zipline will work.
1387
01:19:19,922 --> 01:19:21,631
Do you have anything
in your pockets?
1388
01:19:21,715 --> 01:19:23,382
Let me check.
1389
01:19:26,345 --> 01:19:27,553
What is that?
1390
01:19:27,638 --> 01:19:28,930
It's Vita Coco water.
1391
01:19:29,556 --> 01:19:31,057
Why do you have
Vita Coco water?
1392
01:19:31,141 --> 01:19:33,809
Because it has
as much potassium as three bananas.
1393
01:19:33,894 --> 01:19:35,478
The line is
still too heavy.
1394
01:19:35,562 --> 01:19:37,980
Is there anything else in your pockets
that could be weighing you down?
1395
01:19:39,983 --> 01:19:42,818
You're kidding. So then why did
you bring three bananas?
1396
01:19:42,903 --> 01:19:46,531
Because I don't trust the
advertising. I'm naturally suspicious.
1397
01:19:47,157 --> 01:19:49,659
Is there anything else you're
carrying? You're still too heavy.
1398
01:19:49,743 --> 01:19:50,868
Just this.
1399
01:19:52,704 --> 01:19:53,829
What is that, a brick?
1400
01:19:53,914 --> 01:19:56,332
All this time you've had a
brick? Why do you have that?
1401
01:19:56,416 --> 01:19:58,334
Well, to balance out
the weight from the other one.
1402
01:19:58,418 --> 01:19:59,669
You have two bricks?
1403
01:19:59,753 --> 01:20:00,795
Yes!
1404
01:20:00,879 --> 01:20:02,380
Throw them down
immediately!
1405
01:20:06,927 --> 01:20:09,387
Oh, my God!
There's a little goat eating the wire!
1406
01:20:12,432 --> 01:20:14,267
You need to lose
weight immediately!
1407
01:20:14,601 --> 01:20:17,228
My pockets are empty.
I could poo.
1408
01:20:17,604 --> 01:20:19,188
That won't be enough
to make a difference.
1409
01:20:19,273 --> 01:20:21,816
Yes, it will.
I haven't gone since Wadiya.
1410
01:20:21,900 --> 01:20:24,527
Losing power
has stopped me up like a cork.
1411
01:20:24,611 --> 01:20:25,903
Hurry!
1412
01:20:25,988 --> 01:20:28,573
Come on, Supreme Leader!
Make it rain! Make it rain!
1413
01:20:30,158 --> 01:20:32,410
It's out!
And it's pointy!
1414
01:20:33,453 --> 01:20:34,745
Somebody stop that man!
1415
01:20:36,582 --> 01:20:37,623
Yes!
1416
01:20:38,959 --> 01:20:40,167
What? No, no, no, no!
1417
01:20:40,961 --> 01:20:41,961
No, no, no!
1418
01:21:06,236 --> 01:21:07,778
Supreme Leader!
1419
01:21:11,158 --> 01:21:13,326
Get out of here
before Tamir kills you.
1420
01:21:14,077 --> 01:21:15,161
Who is Tamir?
1421
01:21:15,579 --> 01:21:16,954
Tamir...
1422
01:21:17,039 --> 01:21:19,749
The bald bastard
who did all these terrible things to us!
1423
01:21:20,542 --> 01:21:22,251
I thought
his name was Dennis.
1424
01:21:23,795 --> 01:21:28,466
How would you
even make that leap? Tamir to Dennis?
1425
01:21:29,676 --> 01:21:31,677
- Go on, get out! Get out!
- Come on, Montzi!
1426
01:21:31,762 --> 01:21:32,762
Quick!
1427
01:21:35,974 --> 01:21:37,516
Just jump.
It's not that far.
1428
01:21:38,685 --> 01:21:39,935
Efawadh.
1429
01:21:40,020 --> 01:21:41,687
It is almost time.
1430
01:21:44,524 --> 01:21:46,859
I like goats.
1431
01:21:48,028 --> 01:21:50,488
I am very stupid.
1432
01:21:52,407 --> 01:21:54,533
This is
an historic moment.
1433
01:21:54,618 --> 01:21:57,453
Admiral General
Aladeen of Wadiya
1434
01:21:57,537 --> 01:21:59,038
is going to be signing
1435
01:21:59,122 --> 01:22:02,792
the first democratic
constitution in the history of his nation.
1436
01:22:02,876 --> 01:22:06,837
Across the globe,
people are glued to their television sets.
1437
01:22:06,922 --> 01:22:09,507
The people of Wadiya
are celebrating
1438
01:22:09,591 --> 01:22:12,426
what will be
a new chapter in their country.
1439
01:22:13,261 --> 01:22:16,180
Just moments away now
from putting his signature
1440
01:22:16,264 --> 01:22:18,641
on the first
democratic constitution.
1441
01:22:19,393 --> 01:22:22,228
That's Tamir Mafraad,
Aladeen's trusted advisor,
1442
01:22:22,312 --> 01:22:25,314
sharing a lighthearted moment with
Chinese businessman, Xiang Lao.
1443
01:22:25,399 --> 01:22:27,274
Any thoughts on
what they might be saying, Mike?
1444
01:22:27,359 --> 01:22:30,236
I thought I made out
the words "Harvey Keitel."
1445
01:22:32,823 --> 01:22:34,448
Don't know
what that meant.
1446
01:22:34,533 --> 01:22:37,284
Maybe they shared
a hot dog together, I'm thinking?
1447
01:22:37,369 --> 01:22:41,747
That would make sense. He's wiping the
mustard off his face and chest.
1448
01:22:41,832 --> 01:22:43,124
Excuse me!
1449
01:22:43,208 --> 01:22:44,667
You have to let me in.
You don't understand.
1450
01:22:44,751 --> 01:22:46,419
He's trying to
stop the signing!
1451
01:22:46,503 --> 01:22:48,045
Tamir is now speaking.
1452
01:22:48,130 --> 01:22:49,130
Today,
1453
01:22:49,840 --> 01:22:51,590
we begin a new era.
1454
01:22:52,134 --> 01:22:55,177
Wadiya will be
open to the world.
1455
01:22:55,262 --> 01:22:56,846
Open to the future.
1456
01:22:56,930 --> 01:22:58,431
And open for business.
1457
01:22:59,933 --> 01:23:03,352
The document is
ready to be signed, Supreme Leader.
1458
01:23:11,945 --> 01:23:14,697
What are you doing?
This man is an imposter!
1459
01:23:14,781 --> 01:23:19,243
No! This traitor tried to kill me
and had my beard removed!
1460
01:23:19,327 --> 01:23:21,537
Look!
1461
01:23:21,621 --> 01:23:24,039
Arrest the viper Tamir!
1462
01:23:24,124 --> 01:23:25,833
And now in another
1463
01:23:25,917 --> 01:23:29,545
amazing turn of events,
Tamir Mafraad is being taken away.
1464
01:23:29,629 --> 01:23:32,173
This constitution
1465
01:23:32,257 --> 01:23:34,925
is nothing
but a license for oil companies
1466
01:23:35,010 --> 01:23:38,512
and foreign interests
to destroy my beloved Wadiya!
1467
01:23:38,597 --> 01:23:42,266
Wadiya will remain
a dictatorship!
1468
01:23:52,027 --> 01:23:53,402
Oh, be quiet.
1469
01:23:53,779 --> 01:23:56,781
Why are you guys
so anti dictators?
1470
01:23:57,032 --> 01:23:59,867
Imagine if America
was a dictatorship.
1471
01:24:00,243 --> 01:24:04,455
You could let 1% of the people
have all the nation's wealth.
1472
01:24:04,790 --> 01:24:06,248
You could help
your rich friends
1473
01:24:06,333 --> 01:24:08,876
get richer by
cutting their taxes
1474
01:24:08,960 --> 01:24:12,213
and bailing them out
when they gamble and lose.
1475
01:24:12,672 --> 01:24:16,967
You could ignore the needs of the poor
for health care and education.
1476
01:24:17,052 --> 01:24:18,719
Your media
would appear free
1477
01:24:18,804 --> 01:24:22,932
but would secretly be controlled
by one person and his family.
1478
01:24:23,016 --> 01:24:27,269
You could wiretap phones,
you could torture foreign prisoners.
1479
01:24:27,354 --> 01:24:29,522
You could have
rigged elections.
1480
01:24:29,606 --> 01:24:31,690
You could lie about
why you go to war.
1481
01:24:32,234 --> 01:24:34,026
You could fill your prisons
1482
01:24:34,110 --> 01:24:37,738
with one particular racial group
and no one would complain!
1483
01:24:38,073 --> 01:24:41,450
You could use the media
to scare the people
1484
01:24:41,535 --> 01:24:45,454
into supporting policies
that are against their interests.
1485
01:24:45,539 --> 01:24:48,916
I know this is hard
for you Americans to imagine,
1486
01:24:49,000 --> 01:24:50,960
but please try.
1487
01:24:51,044 --> 01:24:53,295
I will tell you
what democracy is!
1488
01:24:53,713 --> 01:24:55,840
Democracy is the worst!
1489
01:24:55,924 --> 01:24:58,843
Endless talking
and listening to every stupid opinion!
1490
01:24:58,927 --> 01:25:01,011
And everybody's
vote counts,
1491
01:25:01,096 --> 01:25:04,765
no matter how
crippled or black or female they are.
1492
01:25:05,684 --> 01:25:07,059
Democracy...
1493
01:25:13,817 --> 01:25:15,109
Democracy
1494
01:25:16,486 --> 01:25:20,614
has hairy armpits
and could lose five pounds.
1495
01:25:21,825 --> 01:25:25,119
Democracy looks like
a midget in a chemo wig.
1496
01:25:26,496 --> 01:25:29,915
Democracy, your mother
called the other day
1497
01:25:30,041 --> 01:25:31,166
and I forgot to
give you the message.
1498
01:25:31,293 --> 01:25:35,379
It was something very important
about your grandmother.
1499
01:25:37,090 --> 01:25:39,717
Democracy kisses you
because she wants to,
1500
01:25:39,801 --> 01:25:43,679
not because her father
is in the next room chained to a radiator
1501
01:25:43,763 --> 01:25:45,890
with electrodes
attached to his nipples.
1502
01:25:46,725 --> 01:25:51,061
Democracy is flawed!
She is not perfect!
1503
01:25:51,730 --> 01:25:53,230
But democracy,
1504
01:25:56,776 --> 01:25:57,776
I love you.
1505
01:25:58,903 --> 01:26:01,989
And that is
why I call for real democracy!
1506
01:26:02,073 --> 01:26:03,866
A real constitution!
1507
01:26:03,950 --> 01:26:05,909
And real elections
in Wadiya!
1508
01:26:12,542 --> 01:26:14,543
Oh, no!
1509
01:26:15,420 --> 01:26:16,587
Come on!
1510
01:26:23,470 --> 01:26:26,639
Democracy,
I will make you one of my wives.
1511
01:26:27,724 --> 01:26:30,142
Okay, only wife.
We'll vote on it.
1512
01:26:30,769 --> 01:26:32,686
I'll shave
my armpits for you.
1513
01:26:32,771 --> 01:26:34,855
Praise be to the Creator!
1514
01:26:34,939 --> 01:26:37,358
And please stop using
that organic deodorant.
1515
01:26:37,442 --> 01:26:39,652
You could gas the Kurds
with that stench.
1516
01:27:06,805 --> 01:27:08,722
You died
protecting me, Efawadh.
1517
01:27:09,474 --> 01:27:10,474
Hello!
1518
01:27:10,767 --> 01:27:11,767
You are alive?
1519
01:27:11,976 --> 01:27:14,937
Of course!
It is my job to be shot in the head.
1520
01:27:18,608 --> 01:27:20,484
- Is he okay?
- He's fine.
1521
01:27:20,568 --> 01:27:23,153
Luckily the bullet
hit him in the brain.
1522
01:27:24,280 --> 01:27:26,115
So,
1523
01:27:27,575 --> 01:27:28,617
what now?
1524
01:27:28,910 --> 01:27:32,246
I return to Wadiya
to participate in fair elections.
1525
01:27:44,217 --> 01:27:47,761
Let's now look back
at the wonderful events of the past year.
1526
01:27:47,846 --> 01:27:50,639
After Wadiya's
first free elections,
1527
01:27:50,724 --> 01:27:53,684
President Prime Minister
Admiral General Aladeen
1528
01:27:53,768 --> 01:27:56,353
won 98. 8% of the vote.
1529
01:27:58,898 --> 01:28:02,484
But the big story today is the
marriage of President Prime Minister
1530
01:28:02,569 --> 01:28:06,321
Admiral General Aladeen
and his new bride, Zoey.
1531
01:28:10,577 --> 01:28:13,203
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
1532
01:28:23,047 --> 01:28:25,257
Are you okay, my love?
What did you step on?
1533
01:28:25,341 --> 01:28:26,633
Oh, yes! No, no.
1534
01:28:26,718 --> 01:28:30,387
It's my people's tradition.
We always smash a glass at weddings.
1535
01:28:30,472 --> 01:28:32,306
- I'm Jewish!
- What?
1536
01:28:32,390 --> 01:28:33,682
Mazel tov!
1537
01:28:38,688 --> 01:28:39,730
Are you okay?
1538
01:28:40,732 --> 01:28:43,400
That's fine.
I don't mind. It's great!
1539
01:28:43,860 --> 01:28:45,569
Come here, my love.
1540
01:29:05,298 --> 01:29:07,174
Jachnoon, President
Prime Minister Aladeen.
1541
01:29:07,258 --> 01:29:10,552
Jachnoon. Nadal. I have to be back
at the palace in an hour.
1542
01:29:10,637 --> 01:29:12,930
Zoey thinks I'm at yoga.
1543
01:29:13,348 --> 01:29:14,348
I have great news.
1544
01:29:14,432 --> 01:29:17,226
We are just days
away from testing the new missiles.
1545
01:29:17,310 --> 01:29:19,269
I have re-engineered
the oxidizing ducts
1546
01:29:19,354 --> 01:29:20,813
and the payload
delivery systems.
1547
01:29:20,897 --> 01:29:25,609
But you'll be happy to know,
the missile is now pointy!
1548
01:29:26,861 --> 01:29:28,821
Who cares if it's pointy?
1549
01:29:28,905 --> 01:29:30,072
What?
1550
01:29:30,573 --> 01:29:32,866
You do.
You care if it's pointy.
1551
01:29:32,951 --> 01:29:34,618
Why would I care
about such a trivial detail?
1552
01:29:34,702 --> 01:29:36,954
Are you serious?
Are you serious right now?
1553
01:29:37,038 --> 01:29:38,038
Of course I'm serious.
1554
01:29:38,122 --> 01:29:39,581
That's why you
had me executed!
1555
01:29:39,666 --> 01:29:42,960
The shape of the missile has nothing to
do with the payload delivery.
1556
01:29:43,044 --> 01:29:45,462
That's what I said!
That's what I said the first time!
1557
01:29:45,547 --> 01:29:46,964
No, that's what I said,
and you went crazy.
1558
01:29:47,048 --> 01:29:49,258
No! You said
Professor Popeye this...
1559
01:29:49,425 --> 01:29:51,176
Professor Popeye
is a cartoon.
1560
01:29:51,302 --> 01:29:52,553
No, I know this!
1561
01:29:57,225 --> 01:30:00,394
So, we're opening
300 Women's Centers,
1562
01:30:00,645 --> 01:30:04,565
but I'm going to have to take a
break for a little bit because
1563
01:30:05,233 --> 01:30:06,608
I'm pregnant.
1564
01:30:06,693 --> 01:30:07,860
What?
1565
01:30:11,573 --> 01:30:14,074
Are you having a boy
or an abortion?
1566
01:30:37,640 --> 01:30:38,682
Hello, gentlemen.
How you doin'?
1567
01:30:38,766 --> 01:30:40,309
Are you guys friends
of the deceased?
1568
01:30:40,393 --> 01:30:43,186
Do you want me to say this
in front of his widow?
1569
01:30:43,271 --> 01:30:44,313
I was his lover.
1570
01:30:44,397 --> 01:30:45,898
No. That is
not true.
1571
01:30:46,316 --> 01:30:48,317
I saw him perform
with the Globetrotters.
1572
01:30:48,401 --> 01:30:50,903
I thought
he was outstanding. I befriended him.
1573
01:30:50,987 --> 01:30:53,113
No, it's
a different person.
1574
01:30:53,197 --> 01:30:56,533
His message
of don't worry and being happy
1575
01:30:56,618 --> 01:30:57,784
was so powerful.
1576
01:30:57,869 --> 01:31:00,120
No, this is
Bobby McFerrin. I told you this outside.
1577
01:31:00,204 --> 01:31:02,456
Whatever the scandal
you went through,
1578
01:31:02,540 --> 01:31:04,374
you're still
the best golfer in the world.
1579
01:31:04,459 --> 01:31:05,626
Let's go.
1580
01:31:07,170 --> 01:31:08,545
O-M-G.
1581
01:31:09,631 --> 01:31:11,006
Oh, my God.
1582
01:31:13,926 --> 01:31:19,640
Oh, my...
1583
01:31:25,980 --> 01:31:27,105
Zoey.
1584
01:31:28,608 --> 01:31:30,817
That's some good head!
1585
01:31:33,071 --> 01:31:35,197
That is called payback
and it feels so good!
1586
01:31:35,281 --> 01:31:37,574
How did it feel for you?
How did it feel for you?
1587
01:31:37,659 --> 01:31:39,451
I prefer it with goats.
1588
01:31:40,161 --> 01:31:41,703
Where is
the Supreme Leader?
1589
01:31:41,788 --> 01:31:42,788
No, no.
1590
01:31:42,872 --> 01:31:45,290
Now that is
called payback!
1591
01:31:45,500 --> 01:31:46,833
Oh, great!
1592
01:31:52,256 --> 01:31:55,300
Don't touch it.
Don't touch it.
1593
01:31:55,760 --> 01:31:57,094
You don't have
to touch it.
1594
01:31:57,178 --> 01:31:58,220
Sorry. I was...
1595
01:31:58,304 --> 01:32:00,138
Just give us...
We don't...
1596
01:32:00,223 --> 01:38:41,039
Just give me
a couple of millimeters to myself.
119142
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.