Original subtitles

("Are You Being Served Theme")

♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas

♫ Going down ♫

- [Mr. Rumbold] Morning, Mr. Harman.

- Oh, morning.

- Why aren't you using the vacuum cleaner?

- The dustpan and brush is quieter, sir.

I don't wanna wake young Mr. Spooner

before his alarm call.

- Mr. Spooner, why? Where is he?

- Sleeping behind the counter.

Due to the firm's intransigeance about paying

travel money despite the increased fares,

Mr. Spooner has taken to kipping behind the counter

from time to time to save money.

(alarm clock ringing)

- Oh!

(audience laughing)

Oh, good morning, Mr. Rumbold.

- Mr. Spooner, staff are not supposed

to stay in the store overnight.

Quite apart from which we open in nearly 10 minutes.

- Well, on my wages I can't afford

to go home and get here again.

But don't worry,

I allow three minutes for me breakfast,

three minutes for my ablutions,

and two minutes to get dressed.

Then, I'm all yours.

Tada.

- Seems odd the other members of staff

don't have the same problem.

- [Mr. Harman] Don't you believe it.

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

- Miss Brahms,

are you sure you was peddling all the way?

I felt I was pulling a lot of weight behind me.

- Not to mention the lot she been pushing in front of her.

- Yes, I was, but I get nervous

when I can't see where we're going.

So, tomorrow I'm gonna ride on the front.

- It's my bike.

You'll go where you're told.

- Mrs. Slocombe, I hope you're insured.

This looks most unsafe to me.

- Well, it's the cheapest transport I could find.

And with these high fares, I have to economize.

- I had no idea things were as bad as that.

- Well, they are.

Mr. Harman, I wonder when you have a moment

could you have a look at my seat.

I think it's a bit low.

(audience laughing)

- Yes, I can see that.

And I can raise the saddle on your bike too, if you like.

(audience laughing)

- Don't bandy words with him.

- Why not, she's bandied everything else.

(audience laughing)

- Would you like my pump up your proboscis?

- You trying to put the wind up me?

(audience laughing)

- That will do, Mr. Harman.

Be about your business.

- Oh, park it in the fitting room, Miss Brahms.

- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.

(audience cheering)

- I hope I'm not late.

(audience laughing)

- No, Mr. Humphries,

and I take it that you too have been

avoiding expense by not using public transport.

- Oh, no, no I use them all the time.

I hang on to the backs of buses as much as I can.

(audience laughing)

As a matter of fact, I got two speeding tickets in a week.

- That sounds most dangerous.

- Oh, don't you believe it.

Do you know only the other day, yesterday it was,

one of my wheels came off right where

there was a double yellow line.

Well, I was just bending down to tighten my nuts,

when a policeman--

(audience laughing)

This policeman came up to me,

he put a sticker on me helmet,

and tried to clamp me.

(audience laughing)

- I had no idea things were as bad as this.

Oh, I must talk to Mr. Grace very firmly

about this travel allowance.

(elevator bells chimes)

Ah, good morning, Capt. Peacock.

Morning, Miss Belfridge.

I see you had no difficulty in getting here this morning.

- No, sir.

My wife happens to be away,

so I stayed with an old army friend

who happens to have a flat around the corner.

Oh, good morning, Miss Belfridge.

- Oh, good morning, Capt. Peacock.

- Isn't that Miss Belfridge's umbrella?

I distinctly remember signing

her staff discount chit for it.

- Is it?

Oh, my goodness me, so it is.

I must've picked it up last night by mistake.

Here you are, Miss Belfridge.

- And I somehow seem to have yours, Stephen.

- What luck.

(audience laughing)

- You never mentioned having an old army friend

with a flat round the corner.

- Oh, I just happened to bump into him the other day,

and he gave me the key.

It saves a bit of money on the fares.

- Well yes, that was a bit of luck.

- Wasn't it.

Well, it's only for a short while,

and it is very tiny.

- Oh, but it's got a lovely view.

(audience laughing)

- Capt. Peacock, I very seldom involve myself

in the private lives of my staff,

but is there anything about you

and Miss Belfridge that I should know?

- I can safely say there is absolutely

nothing that you should know.

(audience laughing)

- I see the store will be open soon.

Mr. Humphries, Mr. Spooner,

Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms,

please attend to your attire.

- I'm going to see Mr. Grace right away.

- I shall deny everything.

- I'm going to see him about the travel allowance.

The staff are under great duress.

- As I was saying, I shall deny myself everything

in the way of unnecessary luxuries

to ensure that I get here on time.

- Well, I'm not going to deny meself anything to get here.

I can hardly afford a puncture outfit for the bike.

Unless we get a travel allowance,

I shall have to look for a position nearer home.

- It's disgusting the way they treat us.

- Well, I don't know how they expect us to get here at all.

Do you know my mother,

who is not a young woman,

has had to take up babysitting to supplement her income.

- No.

- Mind you, she takes them with her to bingo.

And it's not easy, you know, getting legs 11,

and the wind up at the same time.

(audience laughing)

- But you see, if we don't complain they won't do nothing.

- Why don't we write to Mr. Grace,

tell him what's going on?

- Oh, he'd only file it, under T for troublemaker.

No, I vote we go and see him ourselves.

- Yes, then he'll be too busy.

What we need to do is to go to an industrial tribunal.

- Whatcha doing?

- I'm going to phone Mr. Grace,

and tell him how desperate we are.

Hello.

Mr. Grace, please.

(audience laughing)

No, no, it's very personal.

Oh, hello Mr. Grace.

I'm speaking on behalf of Miss Brahms,

Mrs. Slocombe, and myself.

And young Mr. Spooner.

Yes, now listen we're very hard up,

and if we don't get a travel allowance

then we won't be coming to work at all.

Why who?

Who's speaking?

It's Mr. Humphries.

Yes, that one.

(audience laughing)

No, I'm not bent on making trouble.

I'm not bent on anything.

(audience laughing)

No, no, no, I'm not a troublemaker.

I'm merely trying to put my case on the table.

I can do what with it?

Hello?

Hello?

He's hung up.

- Did he suggest you take your case to a tribunal?

- No, Debenham's.

He's given me the sack for being a troublemaker.

- He can't sack you.

- Well, he has done.

What's me mother going to say?

I've never been asked to give up a position before.

Well, hardly ever.

(audience laughing)

(cash register tinging)

- I can hardly believe this

is our last morning coffee together.

- Is this coffee?

I thought it was tea.

(audience laughing)

- No, the tea's the one with the froth on it.

- I hear on the grapevine you got the push.

I'd like to say Mr Humphries,

on behalf of the kitchen staff,

we're very sorry to see you go.

And have a fairy cake for you on the house.

(audience laughing)

And would you sign this menu as a memento?

- I couldn't be more touched.

- And would you pay this outstanding bill before you go?

(audience laughing)

- I was wrong, I could be more touched.

- I've got good news.

Mr. Grace has, on reflection,

reconsidered his decision to sack Mr. Humphries.

- What a relief.

- And Mr. Grace has come up with a very interesting offer

to solve the problem of a travel allowance.

- How much?

- Well, it's not actually a cash offer.

As you know, Mr. Grace has three

private apartments on the top floor.

But as these have not been used for quite some years,

he has decided to offer them, at a minimal rent,

for use by members of the staff,

say two or three nights a week,

thereby saving money.

- But if there are only three rooms,

and there are five of us in the department,

whom is going to share with who?

- Well, you Mrs. Slocombe could perhaps

share with Miss Brahms.

Mr. Spooner could share with Mr. Humphries,

and Capt. Peacock could--

- Hello Stephen.

- Hello there, Miss Belfridge.

- Capt. Peacock could share with

Could perhaps stay there by himself?

Or I might perhaps avail myself of the offer, myself.

- When can we have a view?

- Well, we could go and look at them now, of course.

Mr. Harman is giving them a quick spring clean,

but you'll get the general idea.

- Be a relief not to go home.

Can't stand those children.

- Has your mother produced again?

- No, she stopped doing that when she had me.

We're babysitting.

C'mon, let's go and look at the rooms.

- Yes, come along.

- I couldn't help overhearing.

Can I come and look as well?

- Why not?

(audience laughing)

- I'm sharing with her.

- I don't think that's what she had in mind.

(audience laughing)

(cash register tinging)

- Yes, well now this is actually Mr. Grace's personal room,

but the two on either side are more or less identical.

So, what do you think?

- It has all the charm of Lenin's tomb.

(audience laughing)

I suppose we could make it look quite cozy.

- There is an added attraction of a small balcony

what leads directly to the fire escape.

There is a shared kitchen off through that door,

and a loo what is shared with the rooms adjacent.

- Right, where's the bedroom?

- You're in it.

This bookcase is false.

You simply press Lady Chatterley, and hey presto.

(audience laughing)

- I bet this place can tell some tales.

- Yeah, Mr. Grace used to do a lot of reading up here.

(audience laughing)

- Well, let's see how comfy the bed is.

I suppose Mr. Grace used to ring for his secretary

when he wanted her to take something down in hurry.

(laughs)

Ah!

(audience laughing)

- He shouldn't have done that.

- Get him back.

- [Mr. Harman] Yes.

(audience laughing)

- Where's he gone?

- Well, Mr. Grace often used to get

taken short during the night.

So, he designed a bed that would transport

him to the WC as quick as possible.

(toilet flushing)

(audience laughing)

Apparently, the mechanism is still in working order.

- Next time I go to bed,

I'll wear me crash hat and knee pads.

- Yes, well I'm sure this can all be made very cozy.

- Yeah, but it all smells of mothballs.

- Oh well, a good scrub will soon get rid of that.

My only problem is will my pussy

feel at home in strange place.

(audience laughing)

- No, I don't think we can allow cats.

- We'll see about that.

- Well, Capt. Peacock I don't mind

sharing one of these with you.

It will help me with petrol and parking on the odd day.

- I don't mind being on my own, sir.

- Yeah, well I can share to cost of gas and electricity.

- There's far more to travel than just the cost, you know.

There's the wear and tear on the nerves,

and just to be able to pop up here

and put one's feet up.

Well, it could regenerate one.

- It could even regenerate two.

(audience laughing)

- Well, now then let's see,

who's keen on the idea?

- Me and Miss Brahms will have one.

- Well, I don't mind sharing with Mr. Spooner,

or Miss Belfridge.

I'm easy either way.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I'm not easy either way.

I'd rather share with Miss Belfridge.

- No, I don't need a room.

- Oh, I do think it's exciting.

We're all going to be neighbors.

And you know, the nice thing is

we all get on so well together.

- This is true.

- Well, there is just one point,

as this apartment was Mr. Grace's

it is larger than the other two rooms,

and the only one with a balcony.

So, you'll have to decide who's gonna have it.

- [Mrs. Slocombe] We will. - [Miss Brahms] We will.

- I think as I'm senior middle management,

it might be more suitable if I had it.

Bearing in mind that Mr. Rumbold,

who is full senior management,

will perhaps, from time to time,

be sharing it with me.

Giving me due notice, of course.

- Yes, good point, Peacock.

- Well, far be it from me to put my four-penneth in,

but I think really I should have it,

as I was the one that brought it to a head

and nearly got the sack.

It should be offered to me for my efforts on my behalf.

- I asked first.

- She did.

- And ladies should be given first choice.

- Yeah, well there's one thing I did omit.

Although this is a larger apartment,

it is directly above the vent

of the Indian restaurant at the back.

And curry and chips can pervade from time to time.

- Well, that settles it.

Peacock and I will have one of the other two.

- How bad is the curry?

- Well, let me put it this way,

when you order the paint,

I'll pop in half a dozen aerosols of Airwick.

Have a nice spray.

(audience laughing)

(cash register tinging)

- Is the coast clear?

- Yeah.

- Right, pass me that saucer.

- You won't half cop it you know

if they find out you've smuggled

your cat in here this morning.

- Well, as this is our first night

away from home in our flat,

I want to be sure that I don't go without my little Tiddles.

(audience laughing)

(slurping)

(burps)

- Are you sure she's all right under there?

- Oh yes, all she does is eat and sleep.

- Good afternoon, madam.

May I help you and the young gentleman?

(audience laughing)

- That was very naughty, Cedric.

You must forgive him, it's his birthday.

- Many happy returns little boy.

- I'd like a hat.

- Certainly.

Mrs. Slocombe, are you free for a hat?

- Oh, yes Capt. Peacock.

Do come this way, madam.

We do have other hats

as well as the ones you see on display.

Oh, what a dear little boy.

(audience laughing)

- It's his birthday.

- What a pity I can't give him something.

(audience laughing)

- So many to choose from.

How very difficult.

- Well, perhaps I could hold your bag

for you while you browse.

Oh, I see you've already purchased something.

- It's a little clockwork mouse.

Cedric's been dying for one.

Here, you can play with it while mummy chooses a hat.

- Now, that's one of are more expensive ones,

but it's very chic.

- Do you like mummy in this hat?

- Why don't you go and play while

mummy makes up her mind on her own.

(audience laughing)

- Go and play with your mouse, dear.

May I see that one, please?

(audience laughing)

- [Cedric] Mummy, mummy.

(slurping)

(burps)

- No, I don't think I like any of these.

Come along, Cedric.

- Where's my mouse?

(audience laughing)

- It was so hot that it just popped

under there to take its little clothes off.

There you are.

Have a nice birthday.

- [Cedric] That hat ate my mouse.

- [Woman] Oh don't be silly, Cedric.

(singing)

- Mr. Harman, you are not allowed

on the floor at this hour of the afternoon.

- I've just come to tell you I've got

that particular wallpaper what you chose.

And I persuaded the radio department

to lend you the stereophonic equipment.

- Well, that is very good news.

And how's the decorating going on?

- Oh, Seymour and Percival are nearly finished.

I've got one or two curtain swatches

to show Mr. Humphries with your permission.

- Oh, very well, but be quick.

- Thank you, sir.

Mr. Humphries.

Are you free to swatch?

- I'm free.

It'll have to do.

- Shall I put you down for the floral then?

- I prefer it to the other two.

Those stripes are very Coronation Street,

and those spots make me feel liverish.

- I don't like curtains with flowers on,

especially dandelions.

- They're not dandelions, they're sunflowers.

- Bit small for sunflowers.

- That's because the material is preshrunk.

(audience laughing)

- Don't you have something plain?

- We've already got a plain carpet.

I'm trying to brighten it up with the curtains.

- I prefer a pattern carpet, don't show the dirt so much.

- There won't be any dirt.

We take our shoes off,

and put our bedroom slippers on,

when we come into the room.

- Well, I don't walk round in my slippers,

I wear me socks.

- Not in my flat you don't.

- Don't I get to choose anything?

- Yes, if you wish you can choose whether

you pay half the gas, electricity,

new dustpan and brush, cup and saucer,

bath towel, or skateboard home.

- I'll put those things on order.

- Be like living with my mother.

Well, I prefer the stripes,

they're more to my taste.

- Yes, but it's not your taste, is it?

It's my taste.

I've got to live with it.

- Well, you can live with it on your own!

- Right.

Cancel his half.

- Will there be any alimony, or is it an amicable divorce?

- Don't you start, I've got a very short fuse.

- That's the rumor's that's going round packing.

(audience laughing)

(cash register tinging)

(audience laughing)

(mumbling)

(mumbling)

- I said, do you think that smell's gone yet?

(sniffing)

- No, there's still a faint hint.

A faint hint of curry and mothballs.

- Oh well, as long as we keep the window shut.

You know, those flowers look quite real.

- Not to me they don't,

they just look like horrible plastic.

- Well, if you half close your eyes they look real.

- Well, that's the curtains done.

- [Mrs. Slocombe] I'm still not sure about those spots.

- I like them.

- Well, we'll just have to see if I can live with them.

Would you like a cup of tea?

- Oh, I'm dying for one.

- Well, when you make it, make one for me as well.

(audience laughing)

- I'm not a skivvy you know.

We're supposed to be just sharing this flat.

- Well, we are sharing the flat.

- Well, what are you going to do?

- Put me feet up.

Oh, while you're in the kitchen,

will you put a pan of water on the gas

I want to boil a couple of cod's heads for Tiddles.

It's her usual diet.

- Do you mean to tell me I've got to sit here

every night with the smell of boiling cod's heads.

- Oh, you'll get used to it.

Only two sugars in me tea.

- Yes, m'lady.

(phone ringing)

- Mrs. Slocombe's residence.

Oh Mr. Humphries.

It's Mr. Humphries from next door.

Oh yes, yes, I'd love to.

Oh yes, we would.

He says if he shows us his,

can he come and look at ours?

- What?

- All right.

We're not quite straight yet,

but I'm just making some tea.

Why don't you pop round for a cup?

Right, bye bye then.

Oh, isn't it nice having him next door?

- You got enough room on that sofa?

- [Mrs. Slocombe] Oh yes, it's ever so comfy.

- Where am I going to sit?

- Oh, there are some beanbags in the corner.

- Oh!

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

- See who that is.

(knocking)

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

- All right, I'm coming!

Yes!

- Shhh!

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

- Babies?

Where did they come from?

- Me mother brought them.

These are the twins.

She's got the triplets.

She's taken them to bingo.

(kettle whistling)

- Oh, kettle, Miss Brahms.

Oh, and while you're in there,

light the gas under the cod's heads.

We'll have a nice cup of tea.

Would you like a beanbag?

- I prefer Tetley's.

(audience laughing)

- No, no, no, no, I mean to sit on.

I believe they're very comfy.

- Thank you.

(audience laughing)

(babies crying)

- You've done it very nicely.

You must come and see mine.

- Are them gonna make that noise all night?

- Oh, I hope not.

- Come and sit next to me, Mr. Humphries,

and give me a baby.

(audience laughing)

- I only came in for a cup of tea.

(audience laughing)

- No, no, come along let me take one.

Now then, I'll show you how to put it to sleep.

Here, did you mother ever sing this to you?

Sweetest Little Fellow Everybody Knows.

- Yes, and I'm still trying to find out who told them.

(audience laughing)

- I remember that one.

- Oh right, then after three.

One, two, three.

♫ Sweetest little fellow

♫ Everybody knows

♫ Don't know what to call him

♫ But he's mighty like a rose

♫ Looking at his mummy

♫ Eyes of shiny blue

♫ Don't know what to call him

♫ But he's just been to the loo ♫

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

- Who's that banging?

- I'd better go and change him.

I won't be a minute.

- Could you please keep that noise down,

these walls are very thin,

and it's most distracting.

People should not be allowed to have babies up here.

- I'm afraid that's my fault.

- Eh?

- Well, me mother, you see, she's babysitting.

I'm just going to burp this one.

(meowing)

- Don't tell me you got your cat up here as well?

- Well, she's very well behaved.

It's just that she knows she's going

to get some boiled cod's heads,

and it's made her excited.

- That will stink the place out.

- Well, go and shut your door.

(rock music playing)

- What's that dreadful noise?

- We're not having that row next door.

- Well, if I have to put up with

the odor of boiled cod's heads,

you're not in much of a position

to complain about a little light music.

♫ Sweetest little fellow

♫ Everybody knows ♫

- Babies should not be allowed!

Only those who've been allocated

living quarters should be here.

- Yours is getting warm, Stephen.

(audience laughing)

- Oh yes, well what she doing here then?

- Miss Belfridge is just waiting

for the rush hour traffic to subside.

- Oh, a baby! I love babies!

(baby crying)

Oh, I could cuddle it all night.

- Oh, that's good 'cause there's another one next door.

(audience laughing)

- Do you want to hold it, Stephen?

- No, thank you.

- What a good thing you like babies, Miss Belfridge.

Here.

There we are, now you can sit on the bed, and cuddle it.

(baby crying)

- I couldn't find a nappy so I used a tea towel.

I think it's still got Vim on it.

(audience laughing)

- Give it to me.

- Hello, Miss Belfridge.

I'm not cut out for this sort of thing.

- Oh, haven't you got a way with babies.

- I think this one wants a new nappy.

- Oh no.

- Well, you see he's run out of clean nappies.

Oh, what can we use?

- I know, Capt. Peacock's got a clean napkin

wrapped around the champagne bottle.

- Oh, good. I'll use that.

It'll keep his little bum cool.

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

- Oh dear, who's this?

It's like Piccadilly Circus.

- Ah, I just popped in to see how everything was going.

- Terrific.

It's just like home from home.

- Well, I must say it all looks very cozy.

I'm glad to see that you're entertaining Miss Belfridge.

I'm rather relieved about that.

- Well, I must be off. I'm late already.

- Excuse me, Mr. Rumbold.

I've just made an express journey up

in the goods lift to let Capt. Peacock know

that his wife's on the way up.

Apparently, her bridge evening was canceled.

- It's a very good thing for him

that Miss Belfridge is in here.

Mrs. Peacock is a very jealous woman,

and he does sail rather near the wind.

- I don't know what you mean.

- Would you say that Mrs. Rumbold was a jealous woman?

- I've never given her cause.

Why do you ask?

- 'Cause she's on her way up in the lift with Mrs. Peacock.

- Oh, good heavens.

I don't want her to meet Miss Belfridge.

I always described her as rather plain.

- Right, look get on the bed.

- I don't see the point.

- Don't argue just get go on to the bed.

Go on, sit up on the bed there,

and hold your breath.

- [Woman] Cuthbert, where are you?!

- This is your only chance.

(screams)

(audience laughing)

- Where's my husband?

Stephen!

- And where's Cuthbert?

(toilet flushing)

- What are you doing here?

What happened to your bridge evening?

- Canceled.

And what are you doing with that baby?

- I'm babysitting with Mr. Humphries.

- [Mrs. Peacock] Alone?

- Naturally.

I just came in to select a book.

- And here's a very appropriate one for you, Stephen.

Lady Chatterley.

- Look out.

(audience laughing)

What a surprise I didn't know you were up here.

- Cuthbert!

What does this mean?!

And who is that person?!

- Perhaps we can find a more

suitable time for introductions.

Ah!

(audience laughing)

- Come back at once!

- Sorry my darling, to think that I doubted you.

- I forgive you.

- Typical.

Only he could be left holding the baby,

and come up smelling of roses.

- That's not roses.

That's burning cod's heads.

(audience laughing)

- And you put up with all this hardship

just to save money?

- Save money?

I did it to save everything.

(audience laughing)

♫ Sweetest little fellow

♫ Everybody knows ♫

("Are You Being Served Theme")

♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas

♫ Going down

♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going down

♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up ♫