Original subtitles

- 9:25, this is the latest the staff have arrived

in living memory.

- Well, Captain Peacock, last night's

blizzard wast the worst in living memory.

I reckon we'll be lucky to see them at all.

- I'm surprised you're here, Mr. Spooner.

I would have thought you would have taken advantage

of the inclement weather to take the day off.

- Oh not me, sir.

I slept in the all-night cinema down the road.

I can't afford to miss payday.

'Specially today when we get our rise.

- Hm, so we've been led to believe.

9:28, I shall have to report this to Mr. Rumbold

and see if we can borrow some temporary staff

from other departments.

- Oh, they'll be here, sir.

When they heard the weather forecast yesterday,

I heard them making contingency plans.

- What had they in mind?

- Well for a start, they were all gonna stay

at Mrs. Slocombe's house 'cuz she lives the nearest.

- But she lives at the end of the cul-de-sac,

backing onto a common.

They'll never get across the foot path

to get to the bus stop.

- As they're all holed up,

I reckon they'll make every effort.

- 9:29 and 45 seconds.

At 9:30 I shall assume they're not going to arrive

and act accordingly.

Five seconds left.

Five, four, three, two, one,

(elevator rings) not

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I'm so sorry we're late,

but we lost our transport.

- What did you have, a snow plow?

- I had six Yorkshire Terriers at the end of this

(audience laughing)

when we left the backyard door.

- Arthur cleared a path with a shovel.

- I shouted, mush, mush, and nothing happened.

- But then they spotted my pussy and took off like madmen.

(audience laughing)

- I hung on 'til the end of the house street,

but they slipped their collars and they went off.

- By that time we're going flat out down the hill.

- And we went straight through a red traffic light

at some road works.

- That was very dangerous.

Did anyone see you?

- No, it was very useful for overtaking.

They moved to one side every time I flashed.

(audience laughs)

One, two, three, four.

♫ Hi ho

♫ Hi ho

♫ It's off to work we go

- And the failure of management

to meet the promised 10% pay demand is most unfortunate,

but I understand the company's difficult position.

I'm confident that my department will continue to put

their shoulders to the wheel with their usual enthusiasm.

Copies to Mr. Grace, accounts, file, et cetera.

- It's ever so cold in here.

- (laughs) You should have worn a warmer dress.

- It's all I have, sir.

- Well, I'll put the blow heater on

under my desk for a moment.

(knock at door)

Enter.

I'll see if I can find the right button.

(fan whirring)

- Oh! (screams)

- I'm sorry, wrong button.

I couldn't see very well under the desk.

- You oughta fan where I am.

(audience laughs)

You just made a happy man feel very old.

(audience laughs)

Oh, your morning cuppa, sir.

Sorry about the dried milk,

it's all part of the economy plan.

Oh, and there's the hot water,

- Where's the tea?

- You have to supply your own.

(audience laughs)

The governor's cutting cost to the bone.

- We can't drink hot dried milk.

- Well if you don't tell anyone and you want a tea bag,

I do have a supply.

- Ha ha, I knew I could rely on you.

- Extra tea, five pence.

- Well worth it.

- Thank you very much, indeed.

One or two?

- Oh two please, I like it strong.

- Thank you.

One,

two.

- Is that it?

- Well you're lucky you get a first go.

That's gonna do the lift girls

and half the accounts department.

(audience laughs)

- Why only half the accounts department?

- The other half like coffee.

(audience laughs)

Have a nice tea.

- While Captain Peacock's off the floor,

could you lend me 50 pence 'til me wages come,

I want to send out for a coffee.

- Oh, I'm sorry love, but look at that.

See?

Not one coin, I'm flat broke.

I've never been flat broke in my life before.

- Me and all, that rise is coming right at the right time.

- You can say that again.

You know, I always keep a couple of pound notes

tucked away in me knickers, just for emergencies you know.

Unfortunately, last week I had an emergency.

- Oh, what happened?

- The elastic broke.

(audience laughs)

And I dropped one in the haymarket.

And it blew off down the street.

(audience laughs)

Two seconds later, the other one followed it.

(audience laughs)

Mr. Humphries, get back behind your counter.

- Captain Peacock, I normally would obey every command

you give me, but let's face it,

as far as customers are concerned,

they could be in the North Pole.

I'm just waiting for my wages

so I can send for a coffee to thaw me out.

Just feel that.

- Oh, your tiny hand is frozen.

(audience laughs)

- I said, get back.

- Now if you'd spoken like that before--

- Yes?

- I'd have gone straight away.

(audience laughs)

- Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

- What do you mean?

- Well the good news is, here's your pay packets.

The bad news is, we ain't go no rise.

- What was that?

- No rise. And I can tell you now

it's causing a right old stand in packing.

Toiletries are having a sit-in.

- I've been held down for over a year.

- I think we should go and complain

to Mr. Grace, personally.

- Let me tell you, that man is approachable,

'cuz I've just approached him in his office.

Look at my attire, I said.

Look at the frayed cuffs on the end of my shirt.

- And did he look?

- Yeah, I shoved it right under his nose, like that.

And I said, look, the left sole of my shoe

is parting company with the other.

And bang, I shoved it right on his desk.

- Did he look?

- Long and hard.

And then he took out of his pocket a great,

thick wide of fivers done up with an elastic band.

Removing the elastic band,

he put the situation to right there and then.

- What did you get?

- The elastic band to keep me sole on.

(audience laughs)

- After that, what chance have we got?

- After that, nothing.

I can't give me mother any less.

She's taking in washing as it is.

- I didn't know that.

- Neither did I, 'til I caught her down by the canal

with a big boulder and a packet of bold.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, well that settles it.

I'm not standing for this and I am unanimous in that.

(audience laughs)

I say that we go to Mr. Rumbold and demand our rise.

Mr. Grace must be off his rocker

if he thinks he's going to get away with this.

- Well for once, I'm on your side.

- Do you know, I'd get more if I was an old aged pensioner.

- Well you haven't got long to wait.

(audience laughs)

- Now I've got my dander up, so just watch it.

- No, no, no, I suggest that you hang on,

grit your teeth and tighten your belts.

Just rushing in and demanding your rise

will achieve nothing.

- I'm glad to hear you say that, Captain Peacock.

'Cuz you ain't got one either.

- What?

No, no, no, no, I'm middle management.

My rise has been agreed at the table in the board room.

- Well according to Mr. Patel of accounts,

middle management are gonna be asked to take a cut.

- What?

This is monstrous.

You're sure?

- Mr. Patel was middle management 'til he heard the news.

The last time I saw him, he was going upstairs

to hand in his notice and cash in his curry vouchers.

- Thank you.

Well that settles it.

We must be united in this.

- All for one and one for all.

- Right, so who's going in first?

- Well, I suggest we all go in together.

- The doorway isn't big enough.

- We could all bunch up tightly behind Captain Peacock.

(audience laughs)

- No, we could go in side by side.

- Except Mrs. Slocombe.

- I should be pleased to lead the way.

And that daft boy can bring up the rear.

Mr. Grace is off his rocker

if he thinks he's going to diddle us.

- Yeah, but what are you going to say?

- I shall be succinct and to the point.

- That's all very well, but what are you going to say?

- Give us the money, jug-ears, or else.

(audience laughs)

- Yes sir, I'll tell him.

It's Mr. Wooten in the pet department.

- Yes, Mr. Wooten?

What?

You've lost a monkey?

(audience laughs)

Good lord.

Bit you, where?

That must have been painful.

(audience laughs)

Make a note of this.

What sort of monkey?

Paraguayan, what do they look like?

Long arms, bald head, and big ears.

That sounds hideous.

Have you got all that down.

- I think I can remember it.

- Right, I'll alert the department.

That was very careless of them.

(phone rings)

- Mr. Rumbold.

- Shoosh, shoosh, I'm on to Mr. Grace's office.

Yes, sir.

I heard the bad news about a moment ago.

- Don't say something's happened to Mr. Grace.

- Sh, sh, sh.

- It seems that when they tried to restrain him,

he bit Mr. Wooten on the nose.

- You said he'd gone off his rocker.

(audience laughs)

- He's probably hiding in the lift shaft.

(audience laughs)

Have you tried dangling a banana down there?

See if that would tempt him.

- This does not seem to be an opportune moment

to talk about our rise.

- Right, I'll tell the rest of the staff.

Yes, yes Mr. Grace.

- Oh, was that Mr. Grace on the phone?

- Well I'd hardly be calling anybody else Mr. Grace.

- You said he was hiding down the lift shaft.

- No, no, no, that was a bald-headed Paraguayan monkey

that's just escaped from the pet department.

I presume you came in to tell me

you've just heard the same news,

but there's no need to panic.

Just get back to your counters and keep your eyes open.

- We didn't come in here to discuss a monkey.

We've come about our pay rise.

- What we ain't got.

- And what we ain't happy about.

(audience laughs)

- Well we're living in very difficult times.

- Mine was agreed and ratified.

And we, and I speak for everyone here,

are not leaving this office until we get your assurance

that during this day, that rise will be forthcoming.

- (laughs) I was expecting the increase too,

I'm just as disappointed as you are,

but what can I do?

- Nothing, because you haven't got the guts.

- Look, the general economy is on the up.

I feel sure that in the course of time,

the pay rise will be forthcoming.

- The course of time has run out as far as I'm concerned.

- Me too.

I'd be better off if I was fired.

At least I'd get severance pay

and then I could go straight away on the dole,

and be out looking for another job.

(audience laughs)

- There's no reason to fire anyone.

- Yeah, you wouldn't get anyone to work here for our wages.

That's why he can't fire us.

- So, all you need is a reason?

- Naturally, I can't just say to Mr. Grace

that I've fired all my staff.

That would have put my credibility at risk,

not to mention my job in jeopardy.

I must have a reason.

- Well, we'll give you a reason.

I take it this is on behalf of all of us?

- Agreed.

(audience laughs)

(audience applause)

- That was very naughty, Mrs. Slocombe.

But let it not be said that I haven't got a sense of humor.

(laughing)

Now, get back to your counters.

I've got work to do.

- Well you're the only one.

Come on.

Well open the door, you daft boy.

(audience laughs)

- Do you think they mean it?

- I'm afraid so.

Due to our cashflow problem,

we can't even afford their severance pay.

Mr. Grace, Rumbold here.

Bad news I'm afraid, sir.

Yes, the staff are trying to get themselves fired.

What's that, you've got even worse news?

(gasps)

It's a Japanese takeover bid.

What would that mean, sir?

I see.

We'd all get fired.

- That's it then, we do no more work

and then they'll get the message

and they'll have to fire us.

- And we can nip out quick and get on the dole immediately.

- I must say withdrawal of labor

would bring the point home to them.

- You mean like a sit down strike?

- They don't fire people for striking.

They just don't pay them.

- But we'd be no better off then,

then what we are now.

- She's right.

No, we must do something that they can't forgive us for.

- I've often done that, but I've always been forgiven.

(audience laughs)

Mind you, it was always by the same vicar.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, but that Mrs. Comlose,

she got fired from cosmetics for being rude to a customer.

(elevator dings)

- Well now's your chance.

- Yes, now then, you go on and be first to get fired.

- No, you're senior.

- We're going to start at the bottom and work our way up.

Now, get over there.

- Oh alright.

I've just come over to tell you, I ain't serving ya.

- Oh, I don't expect you to.

You're obviously a junior.

I need a senior salesperson, as I wish to purchase

a fur coat for my sec- second cousin.

(audience laughs)

something in the region of 5,000 pounds or more.

- Yeah, just hang on a minute, will ya.

(audience laughs)

Did you hear that, they want to spend over five grand,

what are we gonna do?

- Stand firm.

- You're not on commission.

- Oh, what a dilemma.

- What happened to all for one and one for all?

- But we could share it.

- No, no, we've agreed and we'll stick to it.

I will go over there and be the first to sacrifice myself.

As an example to the rest of you.

(audience laughs)

- Joan of Arc all over again.

(audience laughs)

- With one slight difference,

Joan of Arc had Kali printed across her heart.

- And what do you think Mrs. Slocombe will go with?

- Kami written across her knickers.

(audience laughs)

- I'm Mrs. Slocombe, senior salesperson

on the ladies counter.

- Ah, good.

I'd like a fur coat,

something in the region of 5,000 pounds or more.

What do you suggest?

- I suggest that you buy a gun,

fly a plane to Canada, climb up a tree,

and wait.

(audience laughs)

- I don't quite understand you.

- Well to put it another way, get stuffed.

- Really!

- Now I expect you'll want to get me fired.

The manager's office is over there.

Kick up as much stink as you like.

Oh, yes, yes, you might like to ring the papers.

- The papers?

I can't be in the papers with uh-

- Percival, Miss Percival.

- I know your name, you idiot.

So does my wife, come on.

Let's get out of here.

- Oh, stinks.

(audience laughs)

- It's not gonna be easy.

- We'll burn the place down, that'll do it.

(audience laughs)

- We want to get fired, not jailed.

- Well, I did my best.

- I can't bare the thought of us all going one by one.

Tell you what, why don't we go up to the lift,

wait 'til the doors open and all be rude together.

That should do it.

- Hands up, those in favor.

- What we gonna say?

- Buzz off you ugly git.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, but supposing they're foreign.

They might not understand.

- We need an international gesture.

- What about a loud raspberry?

- No, no, no, something more telling.

- What about the old two finger salute?

- Exactly.

Universal and unmistakably an insult.

- Right, come on, let's get to it.

(audience laughs)

- I can hear 'em coming.

- Are we ready?

- We'll throw in a raspberry, just for good measure.

(audience laughs)

- I agree.

- Now, raspberries and fingers ready.

(elevator dings)

(raspberry sounds)

(audience laughs)

(raspberry sound)

(audience laughter and applause)

- Well, in the absence of anyone to be rude to,

I'm going over to the pub

for an unspecified number of gin and tonics.

- I think I'll join you.

- Me too.

I'm always more outspoken after two or three

pints of Guinness.

(audience laughs)

- I'd have thought you'd have been more everything.

(elevator dings)

- I've got bad news for all of us.

The Japs have invaded.

- What are you talking about?

- I was earwigging a shareholders meeting

and they voted to sell us to the Japs.

We're all gonna get booted out.

- They can't do that to us, we're British workers.

- It's a fait accomplish.

- We haven't even been consulted.

- Yeah, we have our rights.

- I've got bad news, I'm afraid.

- We've just heard.

- Ah, well I'm not taking this lying down.

I think we should fight this takeover.

- For once I'm in agreement.

- Ten minutes ago, we were all trying to get fired.

- Yes, but not by the Japanese.

- Oh, it ain't definitely definite.

They're sending their head man, Mr. Yomoto,

to have a quick go over the building

and make sure they can modernize it

and make it pay.

I expect your job'll be taken over by a robot.

Breaking off once a week

to have a quick plate of microchips in the canteen.

(audience laughs)

- Where is this Mr. Yomoto?

Runway 4, Heathrow.

The doors of his executive jet is all frozen up.

Once they get a blow lamp, he'll be here.

- Do you think he'll keep any of us on?

- Oh, I don't think I could live off

of a bowl of rice a day.

(audience laughs)

My eyes are small enough as it is.

(audience laughs)

- One feels so helpless.

I fear we at Grace Brothers are about to become a statistic.

- Well, the Prime Minister said the medicine would be bitter

and she was right.

- That's it!

That is it.

You've got it.

Other people have done it, why can't we.

I bet they even do it in Japan.

- What, commit hara-kiri?

- Buffoon.

No, we'll go to Number 10 and put our case on the table.

She's a woman, she'll understand.

- Yeah, that's a good idea.

- Mind you, what we need is a spokesman.

Or spokeswoman.

The question is, who?

- (Clears throat) My workers are solidly behind me

and I'd be happy to go to Number 10

and put our motion on the table.

What we need is shorter working hours,

a guaranteed in ink pay raise,

early retirement and better canteen dinners.

Now, in exchange for our demands being met in total,

I am prepared to form a workers cooperative

elected by a semi-secret ballot.

And I ask you brothers and sisters

to vote for me and I will be on the bacon.

Give me the tolls, I'll do the job.

(audience laughs)

- (clears throat) Yes,

hands up, those who vote for Mr. Harman.

- Have you anymore to say?

- Yes, I have.

Anybody got an elastic band?

This one's broke.

(audience laughs)

- No, what we need is someone with charm and charisma,

someone who's not too far one way or the other.

(audience laughs)

- That's very kind of you.

(audience laughs)

I don't think I'm forceful enough.

- Oh dear, I didn't actually mean you.

- Well who else isn't too far one way or the other?

- I mean in his views.

I had in mind Captain Peacock.

- Captain Peacock?

- Well, I'm thinking about the firm, you see.

And in that Anthony Eden hat, he does look the part.

And he can charm when he wants to.

- Well (laughing uncomfortably), I'm very touched

by Mrs. Slocombe's confidence in me.

I would have thought

she would have put herself up for an election.

- Well that was my first thought.

But you see, I've been making up the manifesto

so you'd better do the chat

and Mr. Humphries can be a minister

without a thingy-ma-bob.

(audience laughs)

- Beg your pardon?

- Portfolio.

- That's the word I was looking for.

- I'm glad he found it.

(audience laughs)

- And the rest of you can be in the cabinet.

- We are not a government.

We're just a delegation, don't let's get carried away.

I wonder if this is more Anthony Eden.

Mirror, Mr. Humphries.

- Mirror, Mr. Spooner.

- You know, I feel we're doing this for the workers

all over this great country of ours.

It reminds me of that poem,

this sceptered isle,

this jewel set in a silver sea.

This--

- This England.

Let's have the Reed.

(audience laughs)

- I'll call for a cab.

- Oh yes, but we're not going

until me and Miss Brahms has changed.

We're not going looking like just anybody.

- Listen, what if she's not in?

- Then we'll camp on the door step.

- If we do that, we'll be on the six o'clock news.

- If my mother sees me camping on the doorstep of Number 10,

she'll never be able to show her face at bingo again.

(audience laughs)

- Are you with us or against us?

Or one of the don't knows?

- Actually, I'm a don't know (laughs).

I'm with you.

(audience laughs)

- Wait in here, will you.

Now the PM is aware of the reason for your visit

and will give you a moment of her time

as soon as she is free.

- Oh, how kind.

(audience laughs)

- Where's Mr. Humphries?

- He was with us at the front door.

- I ain't seen him since he fell over that golf club.

- Do you think he's got lost in the corridors of power?

- He'll get himself arrested.

This whole place is top secret.

- Oh, fancy us being in Number 10 Downing Street.

- Yes, just think.

Winston probably sat here.

- Entertaining Lady Astor and all that mob.

- Yes, it's certainly got atmosphere.

Lloyd George, Baldwin, all of them must have sat here.

Yes, what fascinating conversations.

Think what great decisions have been taken at this table.

- I'll bet Wilson tapped his pipe out on that very ash tray.

- Think of it, Lloyd George keeping secret

the fact that his secretary was also his mistress.

(laughs)

I wonder what words were used

when they were alone together in this room.

- It's not as big as I thought it would be.

(audience laughs)

- That's 'cuz you don't have to dust it.

(audience laughs)

She hasn't been round lately either.

- Shouldn't we go and look for Mr. Humphries?

- He's probably looking everywhere for us.

(phone rings)

- If that's the red one, I'm under the table.

- No, it's this one.

- Ten to one it's Mr. Humphries

saying he's under close arrest and would we vouch for him.

- When I go to my doctor,

the phone rings in the waiting room

to say that the next patient's required.

- Then probably that means that we can go and see her.

- I don't think we should touch anything.

- Yeah, but they know there's a delegation in here,

it must be for us.

Otherwise somebody else would have answered it.

- No, Mrs. Slocombe, don't!

- Mrs. Slocombe, here.

(audience laughs)

Slocombe.

Well, I'm sort of second in the party as it were.

Ronald, who?

Get away.

(exclaims)

It's Ronald Reagan!

Actually, I don't think I'm quite the person

to whom you wish to speak to.

But, no no, wait a minute, hang on, just before you go,

while I have your attention,

may I say on behalf of my department

and of the rest of Britain,

how much we admire you.

We do,

I've seen all your films.

You're ringing because you're worried about Ann, who?

Ann Dropoff, what film was she in?

(audience laughs)

We've been cut off.

It really was him.

- That's what we were afraid of.

- I didn't say anything out of place, did I?

- (chuckles) Not from putting the western lines back

about 20 years.

- We'll all end up in the Tower of London.

- Listen, someone's coming.

Remember, we tried to stop her, but she overpowered us.

- Well, I'm sorry that call got misrouted,

but whoever answered it certainly put him in a good mood.

And I must say your Mr. Humphries has charmed Pierre.

- Where is he?

- Helping her choose a hat for question time in the house.

(audience laughs)

- [Woman] Goodbye, and thank you so very much.

- Great pleasure.

Thanks for the tea.

Mind the feather in the door.

(door closes)

Apparently she's running late.

- You spoke to her?

- Oh, nonstop.

- About the Japanese takeover?

- No, about my mother taking in washing.

She gave me some very good advice.

- What was it?

- Well apparently it's two buckets of canal water

to one of bold and don't touch SDP.

- What's that?

- Serf das in person.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I'm going to enter this hat

for the Guinness Book of Records

for the shortest political career.

- Well it's not my fault we didn't get in to see her.

- No, Mr. Humphries had his chance.

He let it slip by.

- I didn't know she was running late.

By the time I talked her out of the green shoes

with the red handbag and sold her on the hat,

she was off.

- (sighing) Well, I'm gonna go see Mr. Grace

to have one last try.

Are you all behind me?

- We've lost the one chance we might have had.

Far as I'm concerned, this is the end.

- Isn't anybody coming?

- You won't move Mr. Grace, he's a mean old man.

- The power from that has been toppled.

- Yeah, you go upstairs and try and save your own skin.

We've had it down here.

- Barring a miracle.

- Well, if we don't meet again,

at least nobody can say we didn't try.

Goodbye, Stephen,

Betty,

Shirley,

Wilberforce,

and you Bert.

Good luck.

And to you, Harry.

- He knew all our names.

He never used them, but he knew them.

(audience laughs)

- He was quite human, really.

He gave me a little smile at the end.

(audience laughs)

- Isn't it funny how disasters

bring everybody closer together?

- This is true.

- Do you know, I never knew your name was Harry.

- It ain't, it's Beverley.

(audience laughs)

But it's the thought that counts.

(woman screams)

- Something's terrible's happened.

- Oh, she's as white as a sheet.

- It's sitting in his chair, eating a banana.

- What is?

- That baldheaded monkey with the big ears.

It climbed in the window and it sat in Mr. Rumbold's chair.

- I'll go and alert Mr. Wooten.

(elevator dings)

- I am Mr. Kyoto, assistant to Mr. Yomoto.

He does not speak English,

but would like to see workers and manager.

- We are the workers.

(speaks in Japanese)

- Mr. Yomoto said, you should be at your positions.

Such idle behavior is not good discipline.

- Really?

- We would like to speak to manager,

(speaks in Japanese), must go that way.

- I think I should tell you--

(yells in Japanese)

- When Mr. Yomoto wants your opinion, he will tell you.

(speaks in Japanese)

(elevator dings)

- I'm afraid I was too late.

Mr. Grace said that the subject

of Mr. Yomoto's final decision, the deal's going through.

The good news is, we're all to be kept on.

- I very much doubt that,

those two Japs have just gone into your office.

- And that flaming monkey is sitting in your chair.

(audience laughs)

- Good heavens!

Judging by the size of the plaster on Mr. Wooten's nose,

it's a most ferocious animal.

- What are we going to do?

- Apart from sending for the ambulance,

it's too late to do anything.

- Mr. Yomoto will not be buying Grace Brothers.

- I'm terribly sorry, but I think I can explain.

- No explanation necessary.

He will not be insulted by middle management.

- Don't tell me he got the two fingered salute

and a raspberry?

- That English welcome, we understood.

But in our country, getting a banana in the ear

is an insult we cannot forgive.

Good day.

(audience laughs)

- British workers farewell?

- Agreed.