Original subtitles

(cash register music)

♫ Ground floor, perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Drapes and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gents' ready-made suits

(audience laughing) (vacuum cleaners whir)

♫ If I ruled the world

♫ Every day would be the first day of spring

♫ Arthur Scargill would be livin' in Peking

(audience laughing)

♫ If I ruled the world

(Mr. Harman clears throat)

(Mr. Harman sings) (audience laughing)

(hurried thumping) (audience tittering)

- Mr. Harman, what are you doing?

- There's a coupla moths in this Irish;

one of them female, and the other's male,

and I wanna make sure they're not in residence

long enough to start a family.

(audience laughing)

- Put it back at once.

Only floor personnel are allowed to touch display.

- Yessir, certainly sir.

Won't happen again, sir.

Right.

(audience laughing)

- Can't you even put a wig on the right way?

- Oh blimey, you are in a bad mood this mornin'.

- I'm certainly not in a very good mood.

Had to walk up the stairs;

for some reason, the lifts aren't working.

- Tha's Mr. Grace's orders, sir.

- [Rumbold] Eh?

- Due to the increase of electricity prices,

he has decreed that the lift

is for the use of customers only,

not to be used by mere staff joyriding up and down.

(sniffs) And in this economy drive,

he has sacked Elsie of Cleanin',

which is why I are doin' the work of two pairs of 'ands.

(audience tittering)

- Good morning Mr. Rumbold.

Oh, excuse me panting, but the lifts are not working.

- Oh, good morning, Miss Belfridge.

This is Mr. Harman of Maintenance.

This is Miss Belfridge, my new secretary.

Hang your coat up, and I'll join you

when I've adjusted this wig properly.

- Oh, I prefer you as you are, sir.

(audience laughing)

I think bald men are very sexy.

- Nah, he means on there,

not on there.

- (giggles) Oh, pardon me.

(Mr. Harman chuckles)

- Oh, right.

Here, you don't half pick 'em.

Where'd you get her, page three of the Sun?

(audience laughing)

- That will do, Mr. Harman.

Miss Belfridge stood out from all the other applicants.

- I'm not surprised.

(audience tittering) Hups!

Blimey, the lost tribe.

- Mr. Rumbold, I have a complaint,

and I am unanimous in this.

We been stood standin',

waitin' downstairs for that lift, and it wasn't workin',

and we've had to walk up all those stairs,

and I'm fair puffed.

- Yeah, all machinery that's broken down

ought to have a sign sayin' Out Of Order.

- Yeah, you should have two signs:

one for the lift, one for Mrs. Slocombe.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Spooner, if you're cheeky to me during working hours,

you can expect a reprimand.

However, any of your lip before we open,

and you'll get my umbrella up yer hooter.

(audience tittering) (opening bell rings)

- As that was the opening bell,

a reprimand is all we can allow.

- Yes eh, sign the book and get to your counters.

Where's Mr. Humphries?

- Oh, he was with us, but he went off.

(audience tittering)

- Went off?

- Yes; he said he couldn't climb all those stairs.

It'd ruin the crease in his trousers.

- I've never heard such nonsense.

- You still haven't explained why the lifts aren't working.

- Oh, Mr. Harman, Mr. Harman.

Come and explain to Mrs. Slocombe, will you?

- Oh, yeah.

Well, apparently, due to the economic climate,

plus OPEC vas-kiss-culatin',

resultin' in the prices of general fuel increasin',

we in Grace Brothers are saving electricity

by using the lift only for customers,

which is why they ain't been switched on

until this moment in time.

(audience laughing)

- Well, if we can't use the lifts, neither can you!

- I'm Maintenance; I gotta test it.

(audience laughing)

And I'm now gonna test it to make sure

it gets me to the canteen in time for my coffee break.

Have a nice day. (elevator bell dings)

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Rumbold, I must speak to you.

There's a man in a blue overcoat

looking through the window of your office!

- (chuckles) What's so strange about that?

- He's outside, and we're on the fourth floor!

- Good heavens. (audience tittering)

- Cor, who was that?

- His new secretary.

- Huh. Bet they're payin' her out the electricity bill.

(audience laughing)

- Blue overcoat?

- Mr. Humphries!

- Oh, he's never climbed that drainpipe!

- Oh, not in those trousers.

(audience laughing)

- I can't get it open!

- [Slocombe] Well, hurry up before he falls!

- What's holdin' him up?

- He was on a yoga course last week;

p'raps he's levitatin' himself.

(audience tittering)

- And about time, too.

D'you know, very drafty out here.

Up a bit, George.

(pulley squeaks) (audience laughing)

Thanks for the lift.

- Oh! This is most irregular.

- I was only using my initiative.

I knew that the outside o' the building was being painted,

and after a little light banter

with the workmen every morning,

I took the advantage of their kind offer of a lift.

(audience tittering)

- There's white paint on the back of your coat.

(audience shrieking with laughter)

- That must've been where I lost my nerve,

and he tried to steady me.

(audience laughing)

D'you know, I've no head for heights.

And he was well over six foot tall.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Spooner, if you're to sit with senior staff,

let it be understood that you speak

only when you're spoken to.

- Yeah, otherwise you sit on yer tod.

- I hope that's clear.

- It is, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Good.

- It's a pleasure.

- And don't have the last word.

- My apologies.

(audience laughing) - I said--

Don't have the last word.

I'm havin' the last word!

(audience tittering)

- What was the last word? I forget.

(audience laughing)

- I've just said it.

- Was that your last word?

- Yes, it was.

- Good, p'raps we can order now.

- Don't encourage 'im.

- Where's the menu?

- Oh, we don't need it; just call the manageress over.

Most of the menu's on her pinny.

(audience laughing)

- I'll attract her attention.

- 'Ere, she's very touchy; don't antagonize 'er.

- Don't tell me how to treat staff, Miss Brahms.

(audience tittering)

(clicks fingers)

(audience laughing)

(Captain Peacock clears throat)

(spoon whacking on table)

(audience tittering)

- I don't think you're getting through.

(audience laughing)

- Miss.

Excuse me, miss.

- Why don't you try a bread roll in her ear?

(audience laughing) - This is quite intolerable.

(clears throat)

Were you aware that I was sitting there,

clicking my fingers, clearing my throat,

and banging my spoon?

- I did notice it, yeah.

- And what message do those actions convey to you?

- Well, when my two-year-old does it,

it usually means he wants to go to the potty.

(audience laughing)

- Your insubordination and truculent attitude

have not gone unnoticed, and will be reported.

- Good! That's what I 'oped.

Then p'raps the governors will realize

that takin' away my serving waitress

will cause more trouble than it's worth,

'cos I'm not serving, and my union won't let me be fired.

- Union? What union?

- National Associated Canteen Employees,

Restaurant and Domestic.

- Knackered. I mighta guessed. (audience laughing)

- Well, can you at least tell me what we can eat,

and where and how we find it?

Or aren't you programmed to give an intelligent reply?

- I'm 'appy to tell you the subsidy is off.

So unless you're prepared to pay

executive dining room prices,

you'll 'ave to make do with a set menu.

- Oh well, we're gettin' somewhere, anyway.

- And how do we get that?

- By ringin' that bell over there.

- Hands up for the executive lunch at executive prices.

(audience tittering)

Hands up for the set lunch.

(audience tittering)

(bell rings faintly)

- These economy cuts are too much.

- Don't worry, the set lunch is free.

- Oh well, that'll make it taste better.

(Mr. Harman singing)

- Oh, don't be too hasty.

(audience laughing)

♫ Once I built a railroad

♫ Now it's done

♫ Brothers, can you spare a dime

- Wot's in there?

(lid clanks) (audience laughing)

- The management is duty bound to feed you with some-fink,

but they would much prefer you to pay the full whack

than have the ha-la-carte.

I'm not complainin', 'cos I get a few extra perks

blackleggin' for the waitress.

- What's that for?

- These soup fooms are very corrosive,

and my union will not allow me to endanger my health.

They insist I wear industrial gloves with asbestos

and one o' these for some o' that.

(audience laughing)

Baked beans!

(audience tittering)

- Wot did he say?

- Baked beans.

(audience laughing)

♫ Once I built a railroad

♫ Made it run

♫ Made it race against time

♫ Once I built a railroad

♫ Now it's done

♫ Brother can you spare a dime

- What soup is this?

(Mr. Harman chattering, muffled)

(audience laughing)

- Wot did he say?

- He said he doesn't know,

but the bucket's only insured for one helping.

(audience laughing)

- Well, they can have mine back.

I'll just have a coffee.

- That goes for all of us.

- Oh, it's not so bad, really.

Hm, hint of curry powder.

Bit o' chicken,

fighting with a dissolved Oxo cube.

Two noodles, floating, and what could be a cabbage leaf.

- Yeah, you're right.

It smells worse than wot it tastes.

It could be Chinese.

- Pff, yeah; the Ming Dynasty.

- They're just tryin' to get us to pay more

by puttin' us off it.

- Hey, wot else is on this set menu?

(lid clanks)

- That's it.

They reckon a week o' that, and you'll 'ave to give in.

♫ Once I built an-ov-va railroad

♫ I made it run

♫ I made it race against time

- Here, this is the sort of stuff we had during the war.

We had to march across the desert on this.

- Well, if you wait 'til it congeals,

you could drive a tank across it.

(audience laughing)

- What with the wage cuts and the wage freeze,

we'll all be on our uppers.

- Yeah, if things don't pick up soon,

I'll have to start a sideline.

- Oh, as a matter of fact, I've already got one.

- What is it?

- It's something I do at home.

(audience laughing)

- Well, that narrows it down a bit.

(audience laughing)

- It's to do with nature.

- Oh, my head's beginning to spin; give us a clue.

- I make me own perfume.

- Oh! You never told me.

- Oh, I've been experimentin' for years.

I love the aroma of flowers,

and when I smell them about the house,

it makes me feel all light and gay.

- Oh. (audience laughing)

Y'know, come to think of it,

my mother used to take me to the botanical gardens a lot

when I was a little boy.

(audience tittering)

She's got a lot to answer for.

(audience laughing)

- How do you hope to make money with homemade perfume?

- Ah, well.

I've mixed herbs that no one else has ever mixed before,

and I've come up with something

that attracts the opposite sex.

- Which opposite sex?

- Well, whichever sex is wearin' it,

it attracts the opposite.

- And does it really work?

- Well, I inadvertently dropped some on my pussy,

(audience laughing) and there were tomcats

throwin' themselves against me cat flap all night long.

- What about human beings?

- Well, me and Mrs. Axelby

has given it exhaustive tests in the pub,

and whenever we have just a little touch behind the ears,

the men crowd round us and buy us drinks.

- No.

- Yes.

And they all say, "What's that smell that's drivin' us mad?"

- I thought Mrs. Axelby'd given up smokin' cigars.

(audience laughing)

- 'Ere, you could make a fortune floggin' that.

- I know, and the ingredients are so simple.

Apart from my secret ingredient X,

it just consists of panther's breath and honeysuckle,

and a compote of roses and wild thyme.

And well, I thought

that if we could sell it here across the counter,

we might make quite a lot of money.

- Rumbold would never allow it.

- Well, we won't tell Rumbold!

We'll keep it a secret,

sell it under the counter.

- It wouldn't be a secret if I sold it.

The minute I mentioned a special offer of

roses and wild thyme under the counter,

it'd be all round the building.

(audience tittering)

- 'Ere, bring some in tomorrow, and let's have a sniff.

- Bearing in mind that Rumbold would never allow me

to allow you to sell it on the floor.

- Unless you was given a cut of the profits.

- Ah... well, (audience laughing)

we would have to convince Mr. Rumbold

that it actually worked;

that is to say, that at the very least,

it was found to be attractive to the opposite sex.

- Well, I don't mind being a guinea pig.

If I can attract the opposite sex,

there must be something in it.

(audience laughing)

(cash register music)

(coat flaps)

- Miss Belfridge.

Two minutes late.

- Ah, I'm afraid I've got a bad cold, and I overslept.

- Well, you're lucky.

Mr. Rumbold isn't in yet,

and I won't tell him that you're late.

That shall be our secret.

- Heh. All the charm of Cary Grant.

- Yes, and nearly the same age.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you, Mr. Peacock.

- Ah, Captain Peacock.

But you may call me Stephen.

- Oh thanks, Steve.

(audience laughing)

- Come along, Mrs. Slocombe, hurry up.

The store's been open two minutes.

- Well, I had to bring in a whole jugful of the stuff,

and a crate o' bottles, so I had to take a taxi.

- Well then, you should've been on time.

- Well, a traffic light wasn't workin',

and by the time it started,

there was three pounds on the clock,

and I had to get a bus.

(audience tittering) - 'Ere, Captain Peacock,

have you asked Rumbold yet about sellin' the perfume?

- No, he's busy showing Miss Belfridge the ropes.

- I bet she can't type with more than one finger.

- That's exactly what my wife said

when I showed her the photo.

- Wot photo?

- In the senior staff magazine.

Here, Mens Wear News.

Miss B. Belfridge wins top position

as C. Rumbold's temporary secretary; look.

- [Brahms] She's in a bathin' costume!

- [Slocombe] Just.

(audience laughing)

- Well, it does liven up

an otherwise abysmally dull publication.

- Heh, bet Ol' Jugears didn't dare show that to his missus.

- Not if he has any sense.

Mine was even worried that she was on the same floor as me.

- Well, you do have quite a reputation, Stephen.

(Captain Peacock chuckles)

Well, ye used to.

(audience laughing)

- I can't contain myself any longer.

Have you got a drop of the magic elixir with you?

- Yeah, she's got a case of it 'ere.

- Can I have a sniff?

- The store is open, Mr. Humphries,

and your place is behind your counter.

I brought a free sample for your wife, Captain Peacock;

and there's no customers 'ere, yet.

- Oh, very well.

- Panther's Breath?

Are you sure about the name?

- Oh, it's only a working title,

and it's not easy findin' a name, y'know,

'specially one that applies to both sexes.

- Why don't you use separate labels,

and call it 'Is and 'Ers?

- What about Adam and Eve?

I mean, that suggests temptation.

Then you could add 'Straight from the garden of Eden.'

(Mr. Humphries chuckles)

(cork pops)

- (sniffs) Oh! (coughs)

Enough o' that, ye get chucked out of anywhere.

(audience laughing)

- No, you only want just a little tiny dab behind the ears.

(audience laughing) (cork pops)

Like that.

- Oh, let's 'ave a sniff.

Mm. It smells a bit chemicals.

- That's me perm.

Try lower down.

- Ooh yes, it's ever so subtle.

- Give us yer wrist.

(Mr. Humphries sniffs)

(audience laughing) - Mm.

It smells quite different out of the bottle.

- The question is, Mr. Humphries,

do you find it irresistible as claimed by Mrs. Slocombe?

- Not irresistible, Captain Peacock, but after all,

I'm not the average man in the street. (chuckles)

Matter of fact, I'm not the average man anywhere.

(audience laughing)

- Well, can I flog it then?

- Not until I'm convinced that it has

the irresistible effect that you claim.

- Ah. Now, I'd like a brigade tie.

- Certainly, sir.

Fire or ambulance?

(audience laughing)

- Thank you, Mr. Spooner, I'll take over.

Why don't you go and sleeve some jackets,

and make sure that all the sizes are in the right order?

- I saw 'im first!

How am I s'posed to get any commission if I can't serve?

- Juniors have the second customer.

Now sir, what will it be today?

- It'll be tomorrow in a minute.

(audience tittering) - I'm sorry about that.

We do have to keep these youngsters in check.

- I quite agree.

Pity they discontinued national service.

That's the stuff they'd give 'em.

- Oh, yes.

Up at six o'clock in the morning, cold shower,

hike for 30 miles in full kit.

Groveling through the undergrowth

with only a compass and your initiative to get you home.

- (chuckles) Ah, you were in the army, then.

- No, I went on a package holiday to Benidorm.

(audience laughing)

- How are we goin' to prove that my perfume

does what it says it does

if we're not allowed to sell it over the counter?

- Don't worry, Mrs. Slocombe.

I rang this friend of mine and asked 'im

if he's got time to come in, 'ave a sniff,

and pretend to buy some.

That'll convince Peacock, and he'll tell Rumbold.

- Oh, well done.

As long as Peacock doesn't twig that it's a setup.

- No, no no; my friend's an actor,

so he'll be able to carry it off.

And if there's other customers about,

well, they'll buy some an' all.

- Oh well, I better fill a few more bottles,

in case there's a rush.

- Right.

- Eh, Mrs. Slocombe got size 40 knickers.

(audience laughing) - How dare you say!

That has nothing to do with Maintenance.

- Well, 'ow about size 42 Beauty Belle bra?

- You're askin' for a clip round the ear.

(audience tittering)

- I am merely obeyin' orders.

The factory 'ave found a bolt of the aforementioned goods

with faulty elastic, and all stocks 'ave been brought in

in case there's an accident.

- Well, why didn't ye say so before?

Oh, give 'im what he wants, Miss Brahms,

while I fill a few more bottles.

(Mr. Harman sniffs)

- Pfoo.

Wot's that pong?

- Oh, it's Mrs. Slocombe's perfume,

From The Garden of Eden.

- Blimey, she's even older than I thought she was.

(audience laughing)

- Miss Brahms, give him the Beauty Belle bras

and let's see the back of 'im.

- We've sold 'em all, 'cept for that one on the bust.

- Well, it looks all right to me.

- It appear tests 'ave proved that the elastic

perishes after three weeks.

- Well, that's been on there four weeks,

and it's still in perfect workin' order.

- Well in that case, you won't mind

if I give it the old vibration test, will you?

(audience tittering)

This si-mi-lates an express

traveling over the points at St. Pancreas.

(mallet thuds) (bra boings)

(audience laughing)

- 'Ere, what's that pong around 'ere?

(elevator bell dings)

- It's Mrs. Slocombe's homemade perfume.

It's supposed to attract the opposite sex.

- Oh, does it work?

- Does it do anything for you?

- (sniffs) Nah.

- Oh, there's hope for me yet.

(audience tittering)

- Hey, wot's that customer up to over there?

- Can I help you, sir?

- Yes; I've come to buy something

for one of my lady friends,

and just about here, I smelt...

Well, it's hard to say, really,

but it's some fragrance which has a magic

all of its own; something familiar, yet elusive.

And it-- yes, it gets stronger as I move in this direction.

(cork pops faintly) (audience tittering)

Ah, it's getting stronger now.

- I'm not surprised.

(audience tittering)

- It's... It's--

- It's over 'ere.

(audience laughing)

- What is it?

- Two pounds a bottle.

Adam and Eve, our latest line.

It's a his and hers perfume.

- Just what I need.

- I'm afraid we only have a very limited supply.

- Oh, I'll take half a dozen.

- Done. Hang on.

That'll be 12 pounds.

Oh, I'm sorry that some of the bottles

don't have labels on them;

we've only just got them in.

- That's quite all right.

There.

Erm, may I have one final sniff?

- Oh, help yourself.

It's around there somewhere.

(faint smack)

- You know, you are a very beautiful woman.

- Don't overdo it.

(audience laughing)

- May I at least ask your name?

- Well, I'm afraid we're not allowed to give names,

but I am assistant 193, should there be any complaints.

- No complaints.

Just a happy memory of a brief encounter,

which I shall remember as I sit on the roof terrace

of my penthouse in Kensington.

(audience tittering)

- Did you see that?

- (chuckles) I did. (elevator bell dings)

P'raps we ought to have three dozen bottles,

to give them a try.

- And some bloke actually kissed Mrs. Slocombe.

It really turned 'im on!

- Better make that four dozen, be on the safe side.

(audience laughing)

- I've just rung my friend, but there was no reply.

- Oh, he's been in!

He went a bit over the top,

but I don't think anybody noticed.

Now, I must 'ave some more labels typed for the bottles,

so would you see to it for me, Miss Brahms?

- Yeah, right. - Mrs. Slocombe.

If seeing is believing,

your perfume certainly does all you claim, and more.

- Oh, it's like that every night in the pub.

- Captain Peacock, my junior and myself

think we'd be missing a very good opportunity

if we weren't allowed to sell Mrs. Slocombe's perfume,

so could you ask Mr. Rumbold for his permission?

- I will.

And I take it that our personal arrangement

over the profits still stands?

- Brownie's honor.

(audience tittering)

- Now, as I understand it, Peacock,

you recommend this product for a trial period?

- I do, sir.

It has my complete backing.

- Yes, well, I'm glad to see you

making firm, decisive decisions.

This indicates management material,

and I can confide in you that I soon may be... up there.

- I thought it was just a bad cold, sir.

(audience laughing)

- (coughs) I mean, up there in the boardroom.

- [Peacock] Oh.

- Yes, they're very pleased up there

with the way I've been running my job

and running Toiletries in the absence of Mr. Felsom.

- I sincerely hope you get what you deserve, sir.

(audience tittering)

- And as my cold has resulted in a temperature,

I'm leaving you in charge here. (coughs)

Can't think how I got it.

- Ah-choo!

(audience tittering) - Neither can I, sir.

- Mr. Humphries can take over the floor, if you so desire,

and I shall of course expect you

to answer the phone if it rings.

- Is that all?

- Oh, when one is at the helm,

all one has to do is to steer a straight course. (chuckles)

Anything you want typed, just give to Miss Belfridge.

Letters, price tags, labels, that sort of thing.

- Ah, what it is to be thrown

into the hurly-burly of the managerial world.

- (chuckles) You'll soon get the hang of it.

- Allow me, sir.

(door clacks open) (Rumbold coughs)

(door thuds shut)

- Oh, would you like me to move a bit further away?

- No, I'm reasonably immune.

(audience laughing)

- I'm sure you'll get to like it, sir.

(telephone rings) - [Customer] I'm sure I will;

thanks for your help.

- Mens wear.

This is assistant 4711 speaking.

(audience tittering)

Hello, Mrs. Peacock.

No, I'm afraid Captain Peacock

isn't on the floor at the moment.

You'll be traveling home with him.

Oh, well, I'll tell him.

He's working in Mr. Rumbold's office at the moment,

as Mr. Rumbold has been struck down.

(chuckles) Yes.

Girl? What girl?

Oh, Miss Belfridge!

Yes, yes, in Mr. Rumbold's absence,

Miss Belfridge will be directly under Captain Peacock.

(audience laughing)

You're coming up. I see.

Where are you?

On the ground floor.

All right, I'll tell him.

(receiver clatters)

- What's up?

- (chuckles) Oh, green eye.

Peacock should never have shown that photograph

to Mrs. Peacock in the staff magazine.

Hold the fort. (hurried footsteps)

(audience laughing)

- Ah, only a few more labels, Miss Belfridge.

- Sorry I'm so slow.

- Well, there are rather a lot of keys

for one little finger. (audience tittering)

(knocking on door)

- Come in.

(door clacks open)

(door thuds shut)

- So you could see how the hire-arch-y live,

I brought you two cups of executive taifu

and a plate of mixed assorted biscuits.

- Just put it down and go.

- Oh yes, my lord.

(door clacks open) (pitcher and bottles clatter)

(audience shrieking with laughter)

- Mr. Humphries, what are you playing at!

- [Harman] Phoo!

- My trousers are soaking!

- And my dress!

- It's Mrs. Peacock; she telephoned.

She's on her way here.

- Where from?

- Downstairs.

- Oh, good god.

Here, look, get me some other trousers

while I get these off!

- Yes, I'll just take your inside leg.

- It's 32, and hurry! (audience laughing)

- I'll open a window, make the place smell

less like a ha-reem.

- Here, you, get in the cupboard!

- But it's only my first week.

(audience laughing)

- His wife's a very jealous woman.

If she smells the same perfume on you as on 'im,

it'll be front page of the Needle and Cutter.

Get in the cupboard!

- Hurry!

Here, Harman!

Get rid o' those. - Yeah, right.

'Ere, hold those.

(audience laughing)

- Here, put these on; she's just getting out of the lift.

- They still got the price tags on!

Where're the scissors?

- Coo-ee!

Up a bit George; I've got a customer!

(pulley squeaks) Here.

You change out on the ledge

in case she comes charging in.

(audience tittering)

Oh, you've forgotten your trousers!

- What?

(audience laughing) You bloody fool,

they've gone down--

- [Mrs. Peacock] Stephen?

I want to see you out here right now!

- He's just checkin' his stock, Mrs. Peacock.

(audience laughing)

- What's that smell?

- It's my aftershave.

- Where's my husband?

- Well, he's just checking

the window displays on the ground floor.

We use this apparatus for speed and efficiency.

I'll get him for you.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

- At the moment, yes.

- Mrs. Peacock to see you.

- Oh, what a nice surprise. (chuckles nervously)

As you see darling, I'm all alone

and up to my ears in it.

- [Belfridge] Ah-choo!

- You ask me, you're up to your neck in it.

(audience laughing) - [Belfridge] Ah-choo!

(Mrs. Peacock gasps)

- Stephen!

- Ground floor, and hurry.

(audience laughing) (cash register music)

- You understand-- (audience laughing)

That I cannot allow the sale of your homemade perfume.

This afternoon's episode has set my marriage back,

and also my career.

(audience laughing) (telephone rings)

- So much for me sideline.

- What a shame.

D'you know, and it really worked on that man.

- Oh, (chuckles) no.

He was just a friend of Miss Brahms'; he was paid to act.

- (chuckles) Thought it was too good to be true.

- Oh, that was that actor friend o' mine.

He said he was sorry he couldn't come in,

but he 'ad to go for an audition.

- Hmph.

(audience laughing)

But, that means that--

- He really was!

- Oh, and he was so handsome,

and I let him slip through me fingers!

(audience laughing)

(bottle thuds hollowly) (cork pops faintly)

- You think that'll carry to a roof terrace in Kensington?

(audience laughing)

- No, but this might.

- Come on.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

(cash register music)

♫ Ground floor, perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Drapes and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor, carpets

♫ Travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings

♫ Restaurant and teas

♫ Going down

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes

♫ Going down

♫ Ground floor, perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Drapes and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up