1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,167 (cash register music) 2 00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:07,189 ♫ Ground floor, perfumery 3 00:00:07,189 --> 00:00:08,571 ♫ Stationery and leather goods 4 00:00:08,571 --> 00:00:10,008 ♫ Drapes and haberdashery 5 00:00:10,008 --> 00:00:11,153 ♫ Kitchenware and food 6 00:00:11,153 --> 00:00:13,403 ♫ Going up 7 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:18,748 ♫ First floor, telephones 8 00:00:18,748 --> 00:00:19,581 ♫ Gents' ready-made suits 9 00:00:19,581 --> 00:00:20,781 (audience laughing) (vacuum cleaners whir) 10 00:00:20,781 --> 00:00:23,520 ♫ If I ruled the world 11 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:27,429 ♫ Every day would be the first day of spring 12 00:00:27,429 --> 00:00:30,269 ♫ Arthur Scargill would be livin' in Peking 13 00:00:30,269 --> 00:00:31,480 (audience laughing) 14 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:34,131 ♫ If I ruled the world 15 00:00:34,131 --> 00:00:35,680 (Mr. Harman clears throat) 16 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,847 (Mr. Harman sings) (audience laughing) 17 00:00:41,486 --> 00:00:44,605 (hurried thumping) (audience tittering) 18 00:00:44,605 --> 00:00:46,317 - Mr. Harman, what are you doing? 19 00:00:46,317 --> 00:00:48,445 - There's a coupla moths in this Irish; 20 00:00:48,445 --> 00:00:50,165 one of them female, and the other's male, 21 00:00:50,165 --> 00:00:51,565 and I wanna make sure they're not in residence 22 00:00:51,565 --> 00:00:53,103 long enough to start a family. 23 00:00:53,103 --> 00:00:54,451 (audience laughing) 24 00:00:54,451 --> 00:00:55,565 - Put it back at once. 25 00:00:55,565 --> 00:00:57,902 Only floor personnel are allowed to touch display. 26 00:00:57,902 --> 00:00:58,735 - Yessir, certainly sir. 27 00:00:58,735 --> 00:00:59,568 Won't happen again, sir. 28 00:00:59,568 --> 00:01:00,685 Right. 29 00:01:00,685 --> 00:01:02,085 (audience laughing) 30 00:01:02,085 --> 00:01:04,657 - Can't you even put a wig on the right way? 31 00:01:04,657 --> 00:01:06,831 - Oh blimey, you are in a bad mood this mornin'. 32 00:01:06,831 --> 00:01:08,601 - I'm certainly not in a very good mood. 33 00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:09,781 Had to walk up the stairs; 34 00:01:09,781 --> 00:01:11,463 for some reason, the lifts aren't working. 35 00:01:11,463 --> 00:01:12,512 - Tha's Mr. Grace's orders, sir. 36 00:01:12,512 --> 00:01:13,345 - [Rumbold] Eh? 37 00:01:13,345 --> 00:01:15,370 - Due to the increase of electricity prices, 38 00:01:15,370 --> 00:01:17,290 he has decreed that the lift 39 00:01:17,290 --> 00:01:18,777 is for the use of customers only, 40 00:01:18,777 --> 00:01:21,959 not to be used by mere staff joyriding up and down. 41 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:23,657 (sniffs) And in this economy drive, 42 00:01:23,657 --> 00:01:25,399 he has sacked Elsie of Cleanin', 43 00:01:25,399 --> 00:01:28,239 which is why I are doin' the work of two pairs of 'ands. 44 00:01:28,239 --> 00:01:29,077 (audience tittering) 45 00:01:29,077 --> 00:01:30,488 - Good morning Mr. Rumbold. 46 00:01:30,488 --> 00:01:33,417 Oh, excuse me panting, but the lifts are not working. 47 00:01:33,417 --> 00:01:34,497 - Oh, good morning, Miss Belfridge. 48 00:01:34,497 --> 00:01:36,439 This is Mr. Harman of Maintenance. 49 00:01:36,439 --> 00:01:38,717 This is Miss Belfridge, my new secretary. 50 00:01:38,717 --> 00:01:40,268 Hang your coat up, and I'll join you 51 00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:42,417 when I've adjusted this wig properly. 52 00:01:42,417 --> 00:01:44,079 - Oh, I prefer you as you are, sir. 53 00:01:44,079 --> 00:01:46,137 (audience laughing) 54 00:01:46,137 --> 00:01:47,687 I think bald men are very sexy. 55 00:01:47,687 --> 00:01:48,847 - Nah, he means on there, 56 00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:49,687 not on there. 57 00:01:49,687 --> 00:01:51,745 - (giggles) Oh, pardon me. 58 00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,396 (Mr. Harman chuckles) 59 00:01:53,396 --> 00:01:54,887 - Oh, right. 60 00:01:54,887 --> 00:01:55,825 Here, you don't half pick 'em. 61 00:01:55,825 --> 00:01:57,601 Where'd you get her, page three of the Sun? 62 00:01:57,601 --> 00:01:58,684 (audience laughing) 63 00:01:58,684 --> 00:01:59,779 - That will do, Mr. Harman. 64 00:01:59,779 --> 00:02:02,127 Miss Belfridge stood out from all the other applicants. 65 00:02:02,127 --> 00:02:03,255 - I'm not surprised. 66 00:02:03,255 --> 00:02:05,414 (audience tittering) Hups! 67 00:02:05,414 --> 00:02:07,745 Blimey, the lost tribe. 68 00:02:07,745 --> 00:02:10,404 - Mr. Rumbold, I have a complaint, 69 00:02:10,404 --> 00:02:12,985 and I am unanimous in this. 70 00:02:12,985 --> 00:02:14,974 We been stood standin', 71 00:02:14,974 --> 00:02:18,355 waitin' downstairs for that lift, and it wasn't workin', 72 00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:20,704 and we've had to walk up all those stairs, 73 00:02:20,704 --> 00:02:22,474 and I'm fair puffed. 74 00:02:22,474 --> 00:02:24,883 - Yeah, all machinery that's broken down 75 00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:27,294 ought to have a sign sayin' Out Of Order. 76 00:02:27,294 --> 00:02:28,424 - Yeah, you should have two signs: 77 00:02:28,424 --> 00:02:30,163 one for the lift, one for Mrs. Slocombe. 78 00:02:30,163 --> 00:02:31,763 (audience laughing) 79 00:02:31,763 --> 00:02:35,275 - Mr. Spooner, if you're cheeky to me during working hours, 80 00:02:35,275 --> 00:02:37,332 you can expect a reprimand. 81 00:02:37,332 --> 00:02:40,795 However, any of your lip before we open, 82 00:02:40,795 --> 00:02:42,944 and you'll get my umbrella up yer hooter. 83 00:02:42,944 --> 00:02:45,504 (audience tittering) (opening bell rings) 84 00:02:45,504 --> 00:02:46,834 - As that was the opening bell, 85 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,163 a reprimand is all we can allow. 86 00:02:49,163 --> 00:02:51,715 - Yes eh, sign the book and get to your counters. 87 00:02:51,715 --> 00:02:52,734 Where's Mr. Humphries? 88 00:02:52,734 --> 00:02:54,835 - Oh, he was with us, but he went off. 89 00:02:54,835 --> 00:02:56,200 (audience tittering) 90 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,363 - Went off? 91 00:02:57,363 --> 00:02:58,843 - Yes; he said he couldn't climb all those stairs. 92 00:02:58,843 --> 00:03:00,963 It'd ruin the crease in his trousers. 93 00:03:00,963 --> 00:03:02,683 - I've never heard such nonsense. 94 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,424 - You still haven't explained why the lifts aren't working. 95 00:03:05,424 --> 00:03:06,833 - Oh, Mr. Harman, Mr. Harman. 96 00:03:06,833 --> 00:03:08,584 Come and explain to Mrs. Slocombe, will you? 97 00:03:08,584 --> 00:03:09,417 - Oh, yeah. 98 00:03:09,417 --> 00:03:12,072 Well, apparently, due to the economic climate, 99 00:03:12,072 --> 00:03:13,872 plus OPEC vas-kiss-culatin', 100 00:03:13,872 --> 00:03:17,123 resultin' in the prices of general fuel increasin', 101 00:03:17,123 --> 00:03:19,622 we in Grace Brothers are saving electricity 102 00:03:19,622 --> 00:03:21,571 by using the lift only for customers, 103 00:03:21,571 --> 00:03:23,200 which is why they ain't been switched on 104 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:25,037 until this moment in time. 105 00:03:25,037 --> 00:03:26,062 (audience laughing) 106 00:03:26,062 --> 00:03:29,782 - Well, if we can't use the lifts, neither can you! 107 00:03:29,782 --> 00:03:31,699 - I'm Maintenance; I gotta test it. 108 00:03:31,699 --> 00:03:33,254 (audience laughing) 109 00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:34,782 And I'm now gonna test it to make sure 110 00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,933 it gets me to the canteen in time for my coffee break. 111 00:03:37,933 --> 00:03:38,973 Have a nice day. (elevator bell dings) 112 00:03:38,973 --> 00:03:41,050 (audience laughing) 113 00:03:41,050 --> 00:03:43,405 - Mr. Rumbold, I must speak to you. 114 00:03:43,405 --> 00:03:44,772 There's a man in a blue overcoat 115 00:03:44,772 --> 00:03:46,664 looking through the window of your office! 116 00:03:46,664 --> 00:03:48,696 - (chuckles) What's so strange about that? 117 00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:51,069 - He's outside, and we're on the fourth floor! 118 00:03:51,069 --> 00:03:52,956 - Good heavens. (audience tittering) 119 00:03:52,956 --> 00:03:54,155 - Cor, who was that? 120 00:03:54,155 --> 00:03:55,386 - His new secretary. 121 00:03:55,386 --> 00:03:58,208 - Huh. Bet they're payin' her out the electricity bill. 122 00:03:58,208 --> 00:04:00,248 (audience laughing) 123 00:04:00,248 --> 00:04:01,416 - Blue overcoat? 124 00:04:01,416 --> 00:04:03,125 - Mr. Humphries! 125 00:04:03,125 --> 00:04:05,371 - Oh, he's never climbed that drainpipe! 126 00:04:05,371 --> 00:04:06,726 - Oh, not in those trousers. 127 00:04:06,726 --> 00:04:09,589 (audience laughing) 128 00:04:09,589 --> 00:04:11,046 - I can't get it open! 129 00:04:11,046 --> 00:04:13,378 - [Slocombe] Well, hurry up before he falls! 130 00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:14,808 - What's holdin' him up? 131 00:04:14,808 --> 00:04:16,080 - He was on a yoga course last week; 132 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:17,600 p'raps he's levitatin' himself. 133 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,008 (audience tittering) 134 00:04:19,008 --> 00:04:20,017 - And about time, too. 135 00:04:20,017 --> 00:04:21,817 D'you know, very drafty out here. 136 00:04:21,817 --> 00:04:22,688 Up a bit, George. 137 00:04:22,688 --> 00:04:27,629 (pulley squeaks) (audience laughing) 138 00:04:27,629 --> 00:04:29,296 Thanks for the lift. 139 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,160 - Oh! This is most irregular. 140 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:34,720 - I was only using my initiative. 141 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:37,524 I knew that the outside o' the building was being painted, 142 00:04:37,524 --> 00:04:39,109 and after a little light banter 143 00:04:39,109 --> 00:04:40,739 with the workmen every morning, 144 00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:43,469 I took the advantage of their kind offer of a lift. 145 00:04:43,469 --> 00:04:44,309 (audience tittering) 146 00:04:44,309 --> 00:04:45,388 - There's white paint on the back of your coat. 147 00:04:45,388 --> 00:04:48,850 (audience shrieking with laughter) 148 00:04:48,850 --> 00:04:50,519 - That must've been where I lost my nerve, 149 00:04:50,519 --> 00:04:51,918 and he tried to steady me. 150 00:04:51,918 --> 00:04:53,271 (audience laughing) 151 00:04:53,271 --> 00:04:55,467 D'you know, I've no head for heights. 152 00:04:55,467 --> 00:04:57,258 And he was well over six foot tall. 153 00:04:57,258 --> 00:05:00,258 (audience laughing) 154 00:05:01,898 --> 00:05:04,727 - Mr. Spooner, if you're to sit with senior staff, 155 00:05:04,727 --> 00:05:06,589 let it be understood that you speak 156 00:05:06,589 --> 00:05:08,258 only when you're spoken to. 157 00:05:08,258 --> 00:05:10,627 - Yeah, otherwise you sit on yer tod. 158 00:05:10,627 --> 00:05:11,967 - I hope that's clear. 159 00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:12,917 - It is, Mrs. Slocombe. 160 00:05:12,917 --> 00:05:13,750 - Good. 161 00:05:13,750 --> 00:05:14,876 - It's a pleasure. 162 00:05:14,876 --> 00:05:16,607 - And don't have the last word. 163 00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:17,757 - My apologies. 164 00:05:17,757 --> 00:05:19,177 (audience laughing) - I said-- 165 00:05:19,177 --> 00:05:20,376 Don't have the last word. 166 00:05:20,376 --> 00:05:21,757 I'm havin' the last word! 167 00:05:21,757 --> 00:05:22,818 (audience tittering) 168 00:05:22,818 --> 00:05:24,166 - What was the last word? I forget. 169 00:05:24,166 --> 00:05:26,047 (audience laughing) 170 00:05:26,047 --> 00:05:28,122 - I've just said it. 171 00:05:28,122 --> 00:05:29,495 - Was that your last word? 172 00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:31,415 - Yes, it was. 173 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:33,292 - Good, p'raps we can order now. 174 00:05:33,292 --> 00:05:35,125 - Don't encourage 'im. 175 00:05:36,764 --> 00:05:37,833 - Where's the menu? 176 00:05:37,833 --> 00:05:39,912 - Oh, we don't need it; just call the manageress over. 177 00:05:39,912 --> 00:05:41,644 Most of the menu's on her pinny. 178 00:05:41,644 --> 00:05:42,732 (audience laughing) 179 00:05:42,732 --> 00:05:44,385 - I'll attract her attention. 180 00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:47,775 - 'Ere, she's very touchy; don't antagonize 'er. 181 00:05:47,775 --> 00:05:50,393 - Don't tell me how to treat staff, Miss Brahms. 182 00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:51,374 (audience tittering) 183 00:05:51,374 --> 00:05:52,207 (clicks fingers) 184 00:05:52,207 --> 00:05:53,545 (audience laughing) 185 00:05:53,545 --> 00:05:57,492 (Captain Peacock clears throat) 186 00:05:57,492 --> 00:05:58,769 (spoon whacking on table) 187 00:05:58,769 --> 00:06:01,130 (audience tittering) 188 00:06:01,130 --> 00:06:02,718 - I don't think you're getting through. 189 00:06:02,718 --> 00:06:04,466 (audience laughing) 190 00:06:04,466 --> 00:06:05,527 - Miss. 191 00:06:05,527 --> 00:06:06,938 Excuse me, miss. 192 00:06:06,938 --> 00:06:08,778 - Why don't you try a bread roll in her ear? 193 00:06:08,778 --> 00:06:12,058 (audience laughing) - This is quite intolerable. 194 00:06:12,058 --> 00:06:13,306 (clears throat) 195 00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,197 Were you aware that I was sitting there, 196 00:06:15,197 --> 00:06:17,556 clicking my fingers, clearing my throat, 197 00:06:17,556 --> 00:06:18,968 and banging my spoon? 198 00:06:18,968 --> 00:06:20,618 - I did notice it, yeah. 199 00:06:20,618 --> 00:06:23,345 - And what message do those actions convey to you? 200 00:06:23,345 --> 00:06:25,465 - Well, when my two-year-old does it, 201 00:06:25,465 --> 00:06:27,506 it usually means he wants to go to the potty. 202 00:06:27,506 --> 00:06:30,226 (audience laughing) 203 00:06:30,226 --> 00:06:32,424 - Your insubordination and truculent attitude 204 00:06:32,424 --> 00:06:34,887 have not gone unnoticed, and will be reported. 205 00:06:34,887 --> 00:06:36,306 - Good! That's what I 'oped. 206 00:06:36,306 --> 00:06:37,648 Then p'raps the governors will realize 207 00:06:37,648 --> 00:06:39,466 that takin' away my serving waitress 208 00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:41,025 will cause more trouble than it's worth, 209 00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:44,197 'cos I'm not serving, and my union won't let me be fired. 210 00:06:44,197 --> 00:06:45,706 - Union? What union? 211 00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:47,576 - National Associated Canteen Employees, 212 00:06:47,576 --> 00:06:49,406 Restaurant and Domestic. 213 00:06:49,406 --> 00:06:53,117 - Knackered. I mighta guessed. (audience laughing) 214 00:06:53,117 --> 00:06:55,837 - Well, can you at least tell me what we can eat, 215 00:06:55,837 --> 00:06:58,186 and where and how we find it? 216 00:06:58,186 --> 00:07:00,978 Or aren't you programmed to give an intelligent reply? 217 00:07:00,978 --> 00:07:04,384 - I'm 'appy to tell you the subsidy is off. 218 00:07:04,384 --> 00:07:05,448 So unless you're prepared to pay 219 00:07:05,448 --> 00:07:06,986 executive dining room prices, 220 00:07:06,986 --> 00:07:08,997 you'll 'ave to make do with a set menu. 221 00:07:08,997 --> 00:07:11,037 - Oh well, we're gettin' somewhere, anyway. 222 00:07:11,037 --> 00:07:12,288 - And how do we get that? 223 00:07:12,288 --> 00:07:15,647 - By ringin' that bell over there. 224 00:07:15,647 --> 00:07:18,824 - Hands up for the executive lunch at executive prices. 225 00:07:18,824 --> 00:07:20,366 (audience tittering) 226 00:07:20,366 --> 00:07:22,374 Hands up for the set lunch. 227 00:07:22,374 --> 00:07:24,286 (audience tittering) 228 00:07:24,286 --> 00:07:25,395 (bell rings faintly) 229 00:07:25,395 --> 00:07:27,545 - These economy cuts are too much. 230 00:07:27,545 --> 00:07:29,614 - Don't worry, the set lunch is free. 231 00:07:29,614 --> 00:07:31,686 - Oh well, that'll make it taste better. 232 00:07:31,686 --> 00:07:33,286 (Mr. Harman singing) 233 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,940 - Oh, don't be too hasty. 234 00:07:34,940 --> 00:07:37,614 (audience laughing) 235 00:07:37,614 --> 00:07:39,854 ♫ Once I built a railroad 236 00:07:39,854 --> 00:07:41,342 ♫ Now it's done 237 00:07:41,342 --> 00:07:45,289 ♫ Brothers, can you spare a dime 238 00:07:45,289 --> 00:07:46,508 - Wot's in there? 239 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:50,675 (lid clanks) (audience laughing) 240 00:07:51,967 --> 00:07:55,468 - The management is duty bound to feed you with some-fink, 241 00:07:55,468 --> 00:07:57,409 but they would much prefer you to pay the full whack 242 00:07:57,409 --> 00:07:58,898 than have the ha-la-carte. 243 00:07:58,898 --> 00:08:01,378 I'm not complainin', 'cos I get a few extra perks 244 00:08:01,378 --> 00:08:02,659 blackleggin' for the waitress. 245 00:08:02,659 --> 00:08:04,219 - What's that for? 246 00:08:04,219 --> 00:08:06,819 - These soup fooms are very corrosive, 247 00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:11,019 and my union will not allow me to endanger my health. 248 00:08:11,019 --> 00:08:13,827 They insist I wear industrial gloves with asbestos 249 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,779 and one o' these for some o' that. 250 00:08:15,779 --> 00:08:19,255 (audience laughing) 251 00:08:19,255 --> 00:08:20,088 Baked beans! 252 00:08:20,088 --> 00:08:21,632 (audience tittering) 253 00:08:21,632 --> 00:08:22,555 - Wot did he say? 254 00:08:22,555 --> 00:08:23,452 - Baked beans. 255 00:08:23,452 --> 00:08:25,274 (audience laughing) 256 00:08:25,274 --> 00:08:27,394 ♫ Once I built a railroad 257 00:08:27,394 --> 00:08:29,449 ♫ Made it run 258 00:08:29,449 --> 00:08:33,283 ♫ Made it race against time 259 00:08:33,283 --> 00:08:35,451 ♫ Once I built a railroad 260 00:08:35,451 --> 00:08:37,581 ♫ Now it's done 261 00:08:37,581 --> 00:08:41,283 ♫ Brother can you spare a dime 262 00:08:41,283 --> 00:08:42,763 - What soup is this? 263 00:08:42,763 --> 00:08:44,436 (Mr. Harman chattering, muffled) 264 00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:46,888 (audience laughing) 265 00:08:46,888 --> 00:08:47,838 - Wot did he say? 266 00:08:47,838 --> 00:08:48,671 - He said he doesn't know, 267 00:08:48,671 --> 00:08:50,838 but the bucket's only insured for one helping. 268 00:08:50,838 --> 00:08:52,048 (audience laughing) 269 00:08:52,048 --> 00:08:54,122 - Well, they can have mine back. 270 00:08:54,122 --> 00:08:55,925 I'll just have a coffee. 271 00:08:55,925 --> 00:08:57,197 - That goes for all of us. 272 00:08:57,197 --> 00:08:58,477 - Oh, it's not so bad, really. 273 00:08:58,477 --> 00:09:01,157 Hm, hint of curry powder. 274 00:09:01,157 --> 00:09:02,706 Bit o' chicken, 275 00:09:02,706 --> 00:09:04,826 fighting with a dissolved Oxo cube. 276 00:09:04,826 --> 00:09:08,177 Two noodles, floating, and what could be a cabbage leaf. 277 00:09:08,177 --> 00:09:09,010 - Yeah, you're right. 278 00:09:09,010 --> 00:09:11,208 It smells worse than wot it tastes. 279 00:09:11,208 --> 00:09:12,978 It could be Chinese. 280 00:09:12,978 --> 00:09:14,968 - Pff, yeah; the Ming Dynasty. 281 00:09:14,968 --> 00:09:16,717 - They're just tryin' to get us to pay more 282 00:09:16,717 --> 00:09:17,986 by puttin' us off it. 283 00:09:17,986 --> 00:09:19,845 - Hey, wot else is on this set menu? 284 00:09:19,845 --> 00:09:21,045 (lid clanks) 285 00:09:21,045 --> 00:09:22,618 - That's it. 286 00:09:22,618 --> 00:09:25,928 They reckon a week o' that, and you'll 'ave to give in. 287 00:09:25,928 --> 00:09:28,058 ♫ Once I built an-ov-va railroad 288 00:09:28,058 --> 00:09:29,557 ♫ I made it run 289 00:09:29,557 --> 00:09:32,189 ♫ I made it race against time 290 00:09:32,189 --> 00:09:35,189 - Here, this is the sort of stuff we had during the war. 291 00:09:35,189 --> 00:09:37,395 We had to march across the desert on this. 292 00:09:37,395 --> 00:09:38,498 - Well, if you wait 'til it congeals, 293 00:09:38,498 --> 00:09:39,794 you could drive a tank across it. 294 00:09:39,794 --> 00:09:41,458 (audience laughing) 295 00:09:41,458 --> 00:09:43,596 - What with the wage cuts and the wage freeze, 296 00:09:43,596 --> 00:09:45,418 we'll all be on our uppers. 297 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,578 - Yeah, if things don't pick up soon, 298 00:09:46,578 --> 00:09:48,109 I'll have to start a sideline. 299 00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:51,237 - Oh, as a matter of fact, I've already got one. 300 00:09:51,237 --> 00:09:52,357 - What is it? 301 00:09:52,357 --> 00:09:54,258 - It's something I do at home. 302 00:09:54,258 --> 00:09:56,367 (audience laughing) 303 00:09:56,367 --> 00:09:57,616 - Well, that narrows it down a bit. 304 00:09:57,616 --> 00:09:59,120 (audience laughing) 305 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,960 - It's to do with nature. 306 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:04,109 - Oh, my head's beginning to spin; give us a clue. 307 00:10:04,109 --> 00:10:06,552 - I make me own perfume. 308 00:10:06,552 --> 00:10:08,610 - Oh! You never told me. 309 00:10:08,610 --> 00:10:10,940 - Oh, I've been experimentin' for years. 310 00:10:10,940 --> 00:10:13,512 I love the aroma of flowers, 311 00:10:13,512 --> 00:10:15,590 and when I smell them about the house, 312 00:10:15,590 --> 00:10:18,152 it makes me feel all light and gay. 313 00:10:18,152 --> 00:10:20,800 - Oh. (audience laughing) 314 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:21,633 Y'know, come to think of it, 315 00:10:21,633 --> 00:10:24,040 my mother used to take me to the botanical gardens a lot 316 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,250 when I was a little boy. 317 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,325 (audience tittering) 318 00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:27,680 She's got a lot to answer for. 319 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,861 (audience laughing) 320 00:10:29,861 --> 00:10:32,560 - How do you hope to make money with homemade perfume? 321 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:33,520 - Ah, well. 322 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:37,818 I've mixed herbs that no one else has ever mixed before, 323 00:10:37,818 --> 00:10:39,209 and I've come up with something 324 00:10:39,209 --> 00:10:42,021 that attracts the opposite sex. 325 00:10:42,021 --> 00:10:43,810 - Which opposite sex? 326 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,580 - Well, whichever sex is wearin' it, 327 00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:48,792 it attracts the opposite. 328 00:10:48,792 --> 00:10:50,610 - And does it really work? 329 00:10:50,610 --> 00:10:54,141 - Well, I inadvertently dropped some on my pussy, 330 00:10:54,141 --> 00:10:55,781 (audience laughing) and there were tomcats 331 00:10:55,781 --> 00:10:59,520 throwin' themselves against me cat flap all night long. 332 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,400 - What about human beings? 333 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,312 - Well, me and Mrs. Axelby 334 00:11:03,312 --> 00:11:06,952 has given it exhaustive tests in the pub, 335 00:11:06,952 --> 00:11:10,381 and whenever we have just a little touch behind the ears, 336 00:11:10,381 --> 00:11:13,941 the men crowd round us and buy us drinks. 337 00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:14,774 - No. 338 00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:16,277 - Yes. 339 00:11:16,277 --> 00:11:20,821 And they all say, "What's that smell that's drivin' us mad?" 340 00:11:20,821 --> 00:11:23,072 - I thought Mrs. Axelby'd given up smokin' cigars. 341 00:11:23,072 --> 00:11:24,552 (audience laughing) 342 00:11:24,552 --> 00:11:26,861 - 'Ere, you could make a fortune floggin' that. 343 00:11:26,861 --> 00:11:30,472 - I know, and the ingredients are so simple. 344 00:11:30,472 --> 00:11:33,840 Apart from my secret ingredient X, 345 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:36,952 it just consists of panther's breath and honeysuckle, 346 00:11:36,952 --> 00:11:40,609 and a compote of roses and wild thyme. 347 00:11:40,609 --> 00:11:42,370 And well, I thought 348 00:11:42,370 --> 00:11:44,829 that if we could sell it here across the counter, 349 00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,548 we might make quite a lot of money. 350 00:11:46,548 --> 00:11:48,109 - Rumbold would never allow it. 351 00:11:48,109 --> 00:11:49,610 - Well, we won't tell Rumbold! 352 00:11:49,610 --> 00:11:51,010 We'll keep it a secret, 353 00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:52,509 sell it under the counter. 354 00:11:52,509 --> 00:11:54,850 - It wouldn't be a secret if I sold it. 355 00:11:54,850 --> 00:11:57,181 The minute I mentioned a special offer of 356 00:11:57,181 --> 00:11:59,189 roses and wild thyme under the counter, 357 00:11:59,189 --> 00:12:00,421 it'd be all round the building. 358 00:12:00,421 --> 00:12:01,746 (audience tittering) 359 00:12:01,746 --> 00:12:04,044 - 'Ere, bring some in tomorrow, and let's have a sniff. 360 00:12:04,044 --> 00:12:06,736 - Bearing in mind that Rumbold would never allow me 361 00:12:06,736 --> 00:12:08,437 to allow you to sell it on the floor. 362 00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:11,365 - Unless you was given a cut of the profits. 363 00:12:11,365 --> 00:12:12,885 - Ah... well, (audience laughing) 364 00:12:12,885 --> 00:12:14,445 we would have to convince Mr. Rumbold 365 00:12:14,445 --> 00:12:15,896 that it actually worked; 366 00:12:15,896 --> 00:12:17,506 that is to say, that at the very least, 367 00:12:17,506 --> 00:12:19,957 it was found to be attractive to the opposite sex. 368 00:12:19,957 --> 00:12:21,885 - Well, I don't mind being a guinea pig. 369 00:12:21,885 --> 00:12:23,277 If I can attract the opposite sex, 370 00:12:23,277 --> 00:12:24,466 there must be something in it. 371 00:12:24,466 --> 00:12:25,299 (audience laughing) 372 00:12:25,299 --> 00:12:28,466 (cash register music) 373 00:12:29,805 --> 00:12:31,506 (coat flaps) 374 00:12:31,506 --> 00:12:32,923 - Miss Belfridge. 375 00:12:33,816 --> 00:12:35,094 Two minutes late. 376 00:12:35,094 --> 00:12:37,862 - Ah, I'm afraid I've got a bad cold, and I overslept. 377 00:12:37,862 --> 00:12:39,006 - Well, you're lucky. 378 00:12:39,006 --> 00:12:40,297 Mr. Rumbold isn't in yet, 379 00:12:40,297 --> 00:12:42,665 and I won't tell him that you're late. 380 00:12:42,665 --> 00:12:44,275 That shall be our secret. 381 00:12:44,275 --> 00:12:46,086 - Heh. All the charm of Cary Grant. 382 00:12:46,086 --> 00:12:47,857 - Yes, and nearly the same age. 383 00:12:47,857 --> 00:12:49,885 (audience laughing) 384 00:12:49,885 --> 00:12:51,396 - Thank you, Mr. Peacock. 385 00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:53,515 - Ah, Captain Peacock. 386 00:12:53,515 --> 00:12:54,897 But you may call me Stephen. 387 00:12:54,897 --> 00:12:56,284 - Oh thanks, Steve. 388 00:12:56,284 --> 00:12:58,425 (audience laughing) 389 00:12:58,425 --> 00:12:59,834 - Come along, Mrs. Slocombe, hurry up. 390 00:12:59,834 --> 00:13:01,326 The store's been open two minutes. 391 00:13:01,326 --> 00:13:04,625 - Well, I had to bring in a whole jugful of the stuff, 392 00:13:04,625 --> 00:13:07,703 and a crate o' bottles, so I had to take a taxi. 393 00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:09,126 - Well then, you should've been on time. 394 00:13:09,126 --> 00:13:10,755 - Well, a traffic light wasn't workin', 395 00:13:10,755 --> 00:13:11,966 and by the time it started, 396 00:13:11,966 --> 00:13:13,937 there was three pounds on the clock, 397 00:13:13,937 --> 00:13:15,364 and I had to get a bus. 398 00:13:15,364 --> 00:13:17,223 (audience tittering) - 'Ere, Captain Peacock, 399 00:13:17,223 --> 00:13:19,994 have you asked Rumbold yet about sellin' the perfume? 400 00:13:19,994 --> 00:13:22,515 - No, he's busy showing Miss Belfridge the ropes. 401 00:13:22,515 --> 00:13:24,785 - I bet she can't type with more than one finger. 402 00:13:24,785 --> 00:13:26,185 - That's exactly what my wife said 403 00:13:26,185 --> 00:13:27,857 when I showed her the photo. 404 00:13:27,857 --> 00:13:29,083 - Wot photo? 405 00:13:29,083 --> 00:13:32,354 - In the senior staff magazine. 406 00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:34,104 Here, Mens Wear News. 407 00:13:35,096 --> 00:13:37,155 Miss B. Belfridge wins top position 408 00:13:37,155 --> 00:13:40,655 as C. Rumbold's temporary secretary; look. 409 00:13:41,724 --> 00:13:44,171 - [Brahms] She's in a bathin' costume! 410 00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:45,105 - [Slocombe] Just. 411 00:13:45,105 --> 00:13:46,566 (audience laughing) 412 00:13:46,566 --> 00:13:47,787 - Well, it does liven up 413 00:13:47,787 --> 00:13:50,347 an otherwise abysmally dull publication. 414 00:13:50,347 --> 00:13:53,084 - Heh, bet Ol' Jugears didn't dare show that to his missus. 415 00:13:53,084 --> 00:13:54,616 - Not if he has any sense. 416 00:13:54,616 --> 00:13:57,517 Mine was even worried that she was on the same floor as me. 417 00:13:57,517 --> 00:14:00,627 - Well, you do have quite a reputation, Stephen. 418 00:14:00,627 --> 00:14:02,965 (Captain Peacock chuckles) 419 00:14:02,965 --> 00:14:04,077 Well, ye used to. 420 00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:07,077 (audience laughing) 421 00:14:07,925 --> 00:14:10,187 - I can't contain myself any longer. 422 00:14:10,187 --> 00:14:12,165 Have you got a drop of the magic elixir with you? 423 00:14:12,165 --> 00:14:13,695 - Yeah, she's got a case of it 'ere. 424 00:14:13,695 --> 00:14:14,656 - Can I have a sniff? 425 00:14:14,656 --> 00:14:16,115 - The store is open, Mr. Humphries, 426 00:14:16,115 --> 00:14:17,856 and your place is behind your counter. 427 00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:21,275 I brought a free sample for your wife, Captain Peacock; 428 00:14:21,275 --> 00:14:24,195 and there's no customers 'ere, yet. 429 00:14:24,195 --> 00:14:26,044 - Oh, very well. 430 00:14:26,044 --> 00:14:27,547 - Panther's Breath? 431 00:14:27,547 --> 00:14:29,016 Are you sure about the name? 432 00:14:29,016 --> 00:14:30,803 - Oh, it's only a working title, 433 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,996 and it's not easy findin' a name, y'know, 434 00:14:32,996 --> 00:14:35,877 'specially one that applies to both sexes. 435 00:14:35,877 --> 00:14:37,885 - Why don't you use separate labels, 436 00:14:37,885 --> 00:14:39,677 and call it 'Is and 'Ers? 437 00:14:39,677 --> 00:14:41,816 - What about Adam and Eve? 438 00:14:41,816 --> 00:14:44,147 I mean, that suggests temptation. 439 00:14:44,147 --> 00:14:46,691 Then you could add 'Straight from the garden of Eden.' 440 00:14:46,691 --> 00:14:47,885 (Mr. Humphries chuckles) 441 00:14:47,885 --> 00:14:48,718 (cork pops) 442 00:14:48,718 --> 00:14:50,580 - (sniffs) Oh! (coughs) 443 00:14:50,580 --> 00:14:52,388 Enough o' that, ye get chucked out of anywhere. 444 00:14:52,388 --> 00:14:53,751 (audience laughing) 445 00:14:53,751 --> 00:14:58,419 - No, you only want just a little tiny dab behind the ears. 446 00:14:58,419 --> 00:15:00,289 (audience laughing) (cork pops) 447 00:15:00,289 --> 00:15:01,421 Like that. 448 00:15:01,421 --> 00:15:03,552 - Oh, let's 'ave a sniff. 449 00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:06,413 Mm. It smells a bit chemicals. 450 00:15:06,413 --> 00:15:08,283 - That's me perm. 451 00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:09,533 Try lower down. 452 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,104 - Ooh yes, it's ever so subtle. 453 00:15:13,104 --> 00:15:14,771 - Give us yer wrist. 454 00:15:16,277 --> 00:15:17,876 (Mr. Humphries sniffs) 455 00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:19,527 (audience laughing) - Mm. 456 00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:21,525 It smells quite different out of the bottle. 457 00:15:21,525 --> 00:15:22,738 - The question is, Mr. Humphries, 458 00:15:22,738 --> 00:15:26,163 do you find it irresistible as claimed by Mrs. Slocombe? 459 00:15:26,163 --> 00:15:28,957 - Not irresistible, Captain Peacock, but after all, 460 00:15:28,957 --> 00:15:31,637 I'm not the average man in the street. (chuckles) 461 00:15:31,637 --> 00:15:33,749 Matter of fact, I'm not the average man anywhere. 462 00:15:33,749 --> 00:15:35,458 (audience laughing) 463 00:15:35,458 --> 00:15:37,389 - Well, can I flog it then? 464 00:15:37,389 --> 00:15:39,006 - Not until I'm convinced that it has 465 00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:41,309 the irresistible effect that you claim. 466 00:15:41,309 --> 00:15:44,869 - Ah. Now, I'd like a brigade tie. 467 00:15:44,869 --> 00:15:45,829 - Certainly, sir. 468 00:15:45,829 --> 00:15:47,296 Fire or ambulance? 469 00:15:47,296 --> 00:15:48,828 (audience laughing) 470 00:15:48,828 --> 00:15:50,656 - Thank you, Mr. Spooner, I'll take over. 471 00:15:50,656 --> 00:15:52,109 Why don't you go and sleeve some jackets, 472 00:15:52,109 --> 00:15:54,447 and make sure that all the sizes are in the right order? 473 00:15:54,447 --> 00:15:55,477 - I saw 'im first! 474 00:15:55,477 --> 00:15:57,507 How am I s'posed to get any commission if I can't serve? 475 00:15:57,507 --> 00:15:59,698 - Juniors have the second customer. 476 00:15:59,698 --> 00:16:01,427 Now sir, what will it be today? 477 00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:02,736 - It'll be tomorrow in a minute. 478 00:16:02,736 --> 00:16:04,228 (audience tittering) - I'm sorry about that. 479 00:16:04,228 --> 00:16:06,239 We do have to keep these youngsters in check. 480 00:16:06,239 --> 00:16:07,528 - I quite agree. 481 00:16:07,528 --> 00:16:10,117 Pity they discontinued national service. 482 00:16:10,117 --> 00:16:11,549 That's the stuff they'd give 'em. 483 00:16:11,549 --> 00:16:12,588 - Oh, yes. 484 00:16:12,588 --> 00:16:15,303 Up at six o'clock in the morning, cold shower, 485 00:16:15,303 --> 00:16:17,858 hike for 30 miles in full kit. 486 00:16:17,858 --> 00:16:19,490 Groveling through the undergrowth 487 00:16:19,490 --> 00:16:21,879 with only a compass and your initiative to get you home. 488 00:16:21,879 --> 00:16:24,377 - (chuckles) Ah, you were in the army, then. 489 00:16:24,377 --> 00:16:26,718 - No, I went on a package holiday to Benidorm. 490 00:16:26,718 --> 00:16:29,098 (audience laughing) 491 00:16:29,098 --> 00:16:31,087 - How are we goin' to prove that my perfume 492 00:16:31,087 --> 00:16:32,358 does what it says it does 493 00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:34,869 if we're not allowed to sell it over the counter? 494 00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:36,218 - Don't worry, Mrs. Slocombe. 495 00:16:36,218 --> 00:16:37,906 I rang this friend of mine and asked 'im 496 00:16:37,906 --> 00:16:40,247 if he's got time to come in, 'ave a sniff, 497 00:16:40,247 --> 00:16:41,887 and pretend to buy some. 498 00:16:41,887 --> 00:16:44,597 That'll convince Peacock, and he'll tell Rumbold. 499 00:16:44,597 --> 00:16:45,930 - Oh, well done. 500 00:16:47,069 --> 00:16:50,098 As long as Peacock doesn't twig that it's a setup. 501 00:16:50,098 --> 00:16:51,629 - No, no no; my friend's an actor, 502 00:16:51,629 --> 00:16:53,447 so he'll be able to carry it off. 503 00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:54,816 And if there's other customers about, 504 00:16:54,816 --> 00:16:56,298 well, they'll buy some an' all. 505 00:16:56,298 --> 00:16:57,981 - Oh well, I better fill a few more bottles, 506 00:16:57,981 --> 00:16:59,260 in case there's a rush. 507 00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:00,839 - Right. 508 00:17:00,839 --> 00:17:03,271 - Eh, Mrs. Slocombe got size 40 knickers. 509 00:17:03,271 --> 00:17:07,008 (audience laughing) - How dare you say! 510 00:17:07,008 --> 00:17:09,458 That has nothing to do with Maintenance. 511 00:17:09,458 --> 00:17:12,168 - Well, 'ow about size 42 Beauty Belle bra? 512 00:17:12,168 --> 00:17:14,138 - You're askin' for a clip round the ear. 513 00:17:14,138 --> 00:17:15,528 (audience tittering) 514 00:17:15,528 --> 00:17:17,298 - I am merely obeyin' orders. 515 00:17:17,298 --> 00:17:19,346 The factory 'ave found a bolt of the aforementioned goods 516 00:17:19,346 --> 00:17:21,968 with faulty elastic, and all stocks 'ave been brought in 517 00:17:21,968 --> 00:17:23,458 in case there's an accident. 518 00:17:23,458 --> 00:17:25,384 - Well, why didn't ye say so before? 519 00:17:25,384 --> 00:17:27,157 Oh, give 'im what he wants, Miss Brahms, 520 00:17:27,157 --> 00:17:28,964 while I fill a few more bottles. 521 00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:31,965 (Mr. Harman sniffs) 522 00:17:31,965 --> 00:17:32,798 - Pfoo. 523 00:17:33,665 --> 00:17:35,574 Wot's that pong? 524 00:17:35,574 --> 00:17:37,723 - Oh, it's Mrs. Slocombe's perfume, 525 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,883 From The Garden of Eden. 526 00:17:39,883 --> 00:17:42,073 - Blimey, she's even older than I thought she was. 527 00:17:42,073 --> 00:17:43,534 (audience laughing) 528 00:17:43,534 --> 00:17:46,142 - Miss Brahms, give him the Beauty Belle bras 529 00:17:46,142 --> 00:17:47,729 and let's see the back of 'im. 530 00:17:47,729 --> 00:17:50,247 - We've sold 'em all, 'cept for that one on the bust. 531 00:17:50,247 --> 00:17:52,809 - Well, it looks all right to me. 532 00:17:52,809 --> 00:17:55,379 - It appear tests 'ave proved that the elastic 533 00:17:55,379 --> 00:17:57,361 perishes after three weeks. 534 00:17:57,361 --> 00:17:59,139 - Well, that's been on there four weeks, 535 00:17:59,139 --> 00:18:01,289 and it's still in perfect workin' order. 536 00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:02,470 - Well in that case, you won't mind 537 00:18:02,470 --> 00:18:04,670 if I give it the old vibration test, will you? 538 00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:05,627 (audience tittering) 539 00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:07,481 This si-mi-lates an express 540 00:18:07,481 --> 00:18:10,006 traveling over the points at St. Pancreas. 541 00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:10,839 (mallet thuds) (bra boings) 542 00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:13,839 (audience laughing) 543 00:18:17,267 --> 00:18:18,437 - 'Ere, what's that pong around 'ere? 544 00:18:18,437 --> 00:18:19,270 (elevator bell dings) 545 00:18:19,270 --> 00:18:21,939 - It's Mrs. Slocombe's homemade perfume. 546 00:18:21,939 --> 00:18:24,241 It's supposed to attract the opposite sex. 547 00:18:24,241 --> 00:18:25,731 - Oh, does it work? 548 00:18:25,731 --> 00:18:27,567 - Does it do anything for you? 549 00:18:27,567 --> 00:18:29,238 - (sniffs) Nah. 550 00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:30,627 - Oh, there's hope for me yet. 551 00:18:30,627 --> 00:18:32,444 (audience tittering) 552 00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:34,861 - Hey, wot's that customer up to over there? 553 00:18:34,861 --> 00:18:36,312 - Can I help you, sir? 554 00:18:36,312 --> 00:18:38,517 - Yes; I've come to buy something 555 00:18:38,517 --> 00:18:39,851 for one of my lady friends, 556 00:18:39,851 --> 00:18:43,069 and just about here, I smelt... 557 00:18:43,069 --> 00:18:44,629 Well, it's hard to say, really, 558 00:18:44,629 --> 00:18:47,269 but it's some fragrance which has a magic 559 00:18:47,269 --> 00:18:51,058 all of its own; something familiar, yet elusive. 560 00:18:51,058 --> 00:18:55,225 And it-- yes, it gets stronger as I move in this direction. 561 00:18:56,357 --> 00:18:57,778 (cork pops faintly) (audience tittering) 562 00:18:57,778 --> 00:18:59,966 Ah, it's getting stronger now. 563 00:18:59,966 --> 00:19:01,206 - I'm not surprised. 564 00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,039 (audience tittering) 565 00:19:02,039 --> 00:19:03,927 - It's... It's-- 566 00:19:03,927 --> 00:19:05,018 - It's over 'ere. 567 00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:07,518 (audience laughing) 568 00:19:07,518 --> 00:19:08,351 - What is it? 569 00:19:08,351 --> 00:19:10,058 - Two pounds a bottle. 570 00:19:10,058 --> 00:19:11,847 Adam and Eve, our latest line. 571 00:19:11,847 --> 00:19:13,727 It's a his and hers perfume. 572 00:19:13,727 --> 00:19:15,119 - Just what I need. 573 00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:17,879 - I'm afraid we only have a very limited supply. 574 00:19:17,879 --> 00:19:19,217 - Oh, I'll take half a dozen. 575 00:19:19,217 --> 00:19:20,550 - Done. Hang on. 576 00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:22,927 That'll be 12 pounds. 577 00:19:22,927 --> 00:19:25,279 Oh, I'm sorry that some of the bottles 578 00:19:25,279 --> 00:19:26,538 don't have labels on them; 579 00:19:26,538 --> 00:19:27,839 we've only just got them in. 580 00:19:27,839 --> 00:19:28,998 - That's quite all right. 581 00:19:28,998 --> 00:19:29,927 There. 582 00:19:29,927 --> 00:19:32,594 Erm, may I have one final sniff? 583 00:19:34,319 --> 00:19:35,959 - Oh, help yourself. 584 00:19:35,959 --> 00:19:38,574 It's around there somewhere. 585 00:19:38,574 --> 00:19:39,457 (faint smack) 586 00:19:39,457 --> 00:19:42,915 - You know, you are a very beautiful woman. 587 00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,137 - Don't overdo it. 588 00:19:44,137 --> 00:19:45,366 (audience laughing) 589 00:19:45,366 --> 00:19:47,097 - May I at least ask your name? 590 00:19:47,097 --> 00:19:49,155 - Well, I'm afraid we're not allowed to give names, 591 00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:53,115 but I am assistant 193, should there be any complaints. 592 00:19:53,115 --> 00:19:54,417 - No complaints. 593 00:19:54,417 --> 00:19:57,057 Just a happy memory of a brief encounter, 594 00:19:57,057 --> 00:19:59,857 which I shall remember as I sit on the roof terrace 595 00:19:59,857 --> 00:20:02,388 of my penthouse in Kensington. 596 00:20:02,388 --> 00:20:05,471 (audience tittering) 597 00:20:07,471 --> 00:20:08,649 - Did you see that? 598 00:20:08,649 --> 00:20:09,700 - (chuckles) I did. (elevator bell dings) 599 00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,311 P'raps we ought to have three dozen bottles, 600 00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:12,711 to give them a try. 601 00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:15,190 - And some bloke actually kissed Mrs. Slocombe. 602 00:20:15,190 --> 00:20:16,620 It really turned 'im on! 603 00:20:16,620 --> 00:20:18,741 - Better make that four dozen, be on the safe side. 604 00:20:18,741 --> 00:20:20,901 (audience laughing) 605 00:20:20,901 --> 00:20:23,741 - I've just rung my friend, but there was no reply. 606 00:20:23,741 --> 00:20:25,352 - Oh, he's been in! 607 00:20:25,352 --> 00:20:26,411 He went a bit over the top, 608 00:20:26,411 --> 00:20:28,640 but I don't think anybody noticed. 609 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,912 Now, I must 'ave some more labels typed for the bottles, 610 00:20:31,912 --> 00:20:33,249 so would you see to it for me, Miss Brahms? 611 00:20:33,249 --> 00:20:34,661 - Yeah, right. - Mrs. Slocombe. 612 00:20:34,661 --> 00:20:35,867 If seeing is believing, 613 00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:38,829 your perfume certainly does all you claim, and more. 614 00:20:38,829 --> 00:20:41,797 - Oh, it's like that every night in the pub. 615 00:20:41,797 --> 00:20:43,560 - Captain Peacock, my junior and myself 616 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,461 think we'd be missing a very good opportunity 617 00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:48,120 if we weren't allowed to sell Mrs. Slocombe's perfume, 618 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,411 so could you ask Mr. Rumbold for his permission? 619 00:20:50,411 --> 00:20:51,949 - I will. 620 00:20:51,949 --> 00:20:53,981 And I take it that our personal arrangement 621 00:20:53,981 --> 00:20:55,838 over the profits still stands? 622 00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:57,729 - Brownie's honor. 623 00:20:57,729 --> 00:21:00,400 (audience tittering) 624 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,189 - Now, as I understand it, Peacock, 625 00:21:02,189 --> 00:21:04,405 you recommend this product for a trial period? 626 00:21:04,405 --> 00:21:05,339 - I do, sir. 627 00:21:05,339 --> 00:21:07,401 It has my complete backing. 628 00:21:07,401 --> 00:21:08,234 - Yes, well, I'm glad to see you 629 00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:10,869 making firm, decisive decisions. 630 00:21:10,869 --> 00:21:12,960 This indicates management material, 631 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:17,814 and I can confide in you that I soon may be... up there. 632 00:21:17,814 --> 00:21:19,472 - I thought it was just a bad cold, sir. 633 00:21:19,472 --> 00:21:21,345 (audience laughing) 634 00:21:21,345 --> 00:21:23,262 - (coughs) I mean, up there in the boardroom. 635 00:21:23,262 --> 00:21:24,220 - [Peacock] Oh. 636 00:21:24,220 --> 00:21:25,571 - Yes, they're very pleased up there 637 00:21:25,571 --> 00:21:27,051 with the way I've been running my job 638 00:21:27,051 --> 00:21:30,080 and running Toiletries in the absence of Mr. Felsom. 639 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,529 - I sincerely hope you get what you deserve, sir. 640 00:21:32,529 --> 00:21:33,749 (audience tittering) 641 00:21:33,749 --> 00:21:36,549 - And as my cold has resulted in a temperature, 642 00:21:36,549 --> 00:21:38,901 I'm leaving you in charge here. (coughs) 643 00:21:38,901 --> 00:21:40,406 Can't think how I got it. 644 00:21:40,406 --> 00:21:41,414 - Ah-choo! 645 00:21:41,414 --> 00:21:43,892 (audience tittering) - Neither can I, sir. 646 00:21:43,892 --> 00:21:46,261 - Mr. Humphries can take over the floor, if you so desire, 647 00:21:46,261 --> 00:21:47,380 and I shall of course expect you 648 00:21:47,380 --> 00:21:49,453 to answer the phone if it rings. 649 00:21:49,453 --> 00:21:50,951 - Is that all? 650 00:21:50,951 --> 00:21:52,241 - Oh, when one is at the helm, 651 00:21:52,241 --> 00:21:55,712 all one has to do is to steer a straight course. (chuckles) 652 00:21:55,712 --> 00:21:59,501 Anything you want typed, just give to Miss Belfridge. 653 00:21:59,501 --> 00:22:02,402 Letters, price tags, labels, that sort of thing. 654 00:22:02,402 --> 00:22:04,122 - Ah, what it is to be thrown 655 00:22:04,122 --> 00:22:06,493 into the hurly-burly of the managerial world. 656 00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:08,493 - (chuckles) You'll soon get the hang of it. 657 00:22:08,493 --> 00:22:09,326 - Allow me, sir. 658 00:22:09,326 --> 00:22:12,130 (door clacks open) (Rumbold coughs) 659 00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:13,330 (door thuds shut) 660 00:22:13,330 --> 00:22:15,781 - Oh, would you like me to move a bit further away? 661 00:22:15,781 --> 00:22:17,693 - No, I'm reasonably immune. 662 00:22:17,693 --> 00:22:20,461 (audience laughing) 663 00:22:20,461 --> 00:22:21,294 - I'm sure you'll get to like it, sir. 664 00:22:21,294 --> 00:22:22,127 (telephone rings) - [Customer] I'm sure I will; 665 00:22:22,127 --> 00:22:22,960 thanks for your help. 666 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,528 - Mens wear. 667 00:22:24,528 --> 00:22:26,680 This is assistant 4711 speaking. 668 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:28,051 (audience tittering) 669 00:22:28,051 --> 00:22:29,889 Hello, Mrs. Peacock. 670 00:22:29,889 --> 00:22:31,101 No, I'm afraid Captain Peacock 671 00:22:31,101 --> 00:22:33,510 isn't on the floor at the moment. 672 00:22:33,510 --> 00:22:35,088 You'll be traveling home with him. 673 00:22:35,088 --> 00:22:36,912 Oh, well, I'll tell him. 674 00:22:36,912 --> 00:22:39,480 He's working in Mr. Rumbold's office at the moment, 675 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:42,091 as Mr. Rumbold has been struck down. 676 00:22:42,091 --> 00:22:43,592 (chuckles) Yes. 677 00:22:43,592 --> 00:22:45,392 Girl? What girl? 678 00:22:45,392 --> 00:22:47,141 Oh, Miss Belfridge! 679 00:22:47,141 --> 00:22:49,989 Yes, yes, in Mr. Rumbold's absence, 680 00:22:49,989 --> 00:22:52,952 Miss Belfridge will be directly under Captain Peacock. 681 00:22:52,952 --> 00:22:56,280 (audience laughing) 682 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,611 You're coming up. I see. 683 00:22:58,611 --> 00:23:00,091 Where are you? 684 00:23:00,091 --> 00:23:01,171 On the ground floor. 685 00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:02,069 All right, I'll tell him. 686 00:23:02,069 --> 00:23:03,019 (receiver clatters) 687 00:23:03,019 --> 00:23:03,852 - What's up? 688 00:23:03,852 --> 00:23:05,080 - (chuckles) Oh, green eye. 689 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:06,840 Peacock should never have shown that photograph 690 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:08,800 to Mrs. Peacock in the staff magazine. 691 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,611 Hold the fort. (hurried footsteps) 692 00:23:10,611 --> 00:23:13,611 (audience laughing) 693 00:23:15,432 --> 00:23:19,610 - Ah, only a few more labels, Miss Belfridge. 694 00:23:19,610 --> 00:23:22,101 - Sorry I'm so slow. 695 00:23:22,101 --> 00:23:23,677 - Well, there are rather a lot of keys 696 00:23:23,677 --> 00:23:25,637 for one little finger. (audience tittering) 697 00:23:25,637 --> 00:23:26,616 (knocking on door) 698 00:23:26,616 --> 00:23:27,865 - Come in. 699 00:23:27,865 --> 00:23:31,466 (door clacks open) 700 00:23:31,466 --> 00:23:32,405 (door thuds shut) 701 00:23:32,405 --> 00:23:34,165 - So you could see how the hire-arch-y live, 702 00:23:34,165 --> 00:23:36,405 I brought you two cups of executive taifu 703 00:23:36,405 --> 00:23:38,013 and a plate of mixed assorted biscuits. 704 00:23:38,013 --> 00:23:39,595 - Just put it down and go. 705 00:23:39,595 --> 00:23:40,930 - Oh yes, my lord. 706 00:23:40,930 --> 00:23:41,981 (door clacks open) (pitcher and bottles clatter) 707 00:23:41,981 --> 00:23:43,934 (audience shrieking with laughter) 708 00:23:43,934 --> 00:23:45,494 - Mr. Humphries, what are you playing at! 709 00:23:45,494 --> 00:23:46,854 - [Harman] Phoo! 710 00:23:46,854 --> 00:23:48,406 - My trousers are soaking! 711 00:23:48,406 --> 00:23:49,704 - And my dress! 712 00:23:49,704 --> 00:23:51,482 - It's Mrs. Peacock; she telephoned. 713 00:23:51,482 --> 00:23:52,614 She's on her way here. 714 00:23:52,614 --> 00:23:53,447 - Where from? 715 00:23:53,447 --> 00:23:54,280 - Downstairs. 716 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:55,163 - Oh, good god. 717 00:23:55,163 --> 00:23:56,523 Here, look, get me some other trousers 718 00:23:56,523 --> 00:23:57,494 while I get these off! 719 00:23:57,494 --> 00:23:58,883 - Yes, I'll just take your inside leg. 720 00:23:58,883 --> 00:24:02,603 - It's 32, and hurry! (audience laughing) 721 00:24:02,603 --> 00:24:04,385 - I'll open a window, make the place smell 722 00:24:04,385 --> 00:24:06,052 less like a ha-reem. 723 00:24:06,905 --> 00:24:08,905 - Here, you, get in the cupboard! 724 00:24:08,905 --> 00:24:10,367 - But it's only my first week. 725 00:24:10,367 --> 00:24:12,105 (audience laughing) 726 00:24:12,105 --> 00:24:13,396 - His wife's a very jealous woman. 727 00:24:13,396 --> 00:24:16,167 If she smells the same perfume on you as on 'im, 728 00:24:16,167 --> 00:24:17,935 it'll be front page of the Needle and Cutter. 729 00:24:17,935 --> 00:24:18,768 Get in the cupboard! 730 00:24:18,768 --> 00:24:19,601 - Hurry! 731 00:24:19,601 --> 00:24:20,434 Here, Harman! 732 00:24:20,434 --> 00:24:21,267 Get rid o' those. - Yeah, right. 733 00:24:21,267 --> 00:24:22,100 'Ere, hold those. 734 00:24:22,100 --> 00:24:24,206 (audience laughing) 735 00:24:24,206 --> 00:24:26,075 - Here, put these on; she's just getting out of the lift. 736 00:24:26,075 --> 00:24:27,166 - They still got the price tags on! 737 00:24:27,166 --> 00:24:29,166 Where're the scissors? 738 00:24:29,166 --> 00:24:30,006 - Coo-ee! 739 00:24:30,006 --> 00:24:31,669 Up a bit George; I've got a customer! 740 00:24:31,669 --> 00:24:32,634 (pulley squeaks) Here. 741 00:24:32,634 --> 00:24:33,583 You change out on the ledge 742 00:24:33,583 --> 00:24:35,183 in case she comes charging in. 743 00:24:35,183 --> 00:24:37,231 (audience tittering) 744 00:24:37,231 --> 00:24:38,823 Oh, you've forgotten your trousers! 745 00:24:38,823 --> 00:24:39,656 - What? 746 00:24:39,656 --> 00:24:40,543 (audience laughing) You bloody fool, 747 00:24:40,543 --> 00:24:41,702 they've gone down-- 748 00:24:41,702 --> 00:24:42,543 - [Mrs. Peacock] Stephen? 749 00:24:42,543 --> 00:24:44,631 I want to see you out here right now! 750 00:24:44,631 --> 00:24:46,883 - He's just checkin' his stock, Mrs. Peacock. 751 00:24:46,883 --> 00:24:49,140 (audience laughing) 752 00:24:49,140 --> 00:24:51,103 - What's that smell? 753 00:24:51,103 --> 00:24:52,762 - It's my aftershave. 754 00:24:52,762 --> 00:24:54,063 - Where's my husband? 755 00:24:54,063 --> 00:24:55,012 - Well, he's just checking 756 00:24:55,012 --> 00:24:57,322 the window displays on the ground floor. 757 00:24:57,322 --> 00:24:59,631 We use this apparatus for speed and efficiency. 758 00:24:59,631 --> 00:25:00,772 I'll get him for you. 759 00:25:00,772 --> 00:25:02,882 Captain Peacock, are you free? 760 00:25:02,882 --> 00:25:04,632 - At the moment, yes. 761 00:25:05,991 --> 00:25:07,202 - Mrs. Peacock to see you. 762 00:25:07,202 --> 00:25:09,431 - Oh, what a nice surprise. (chuckles nervously) 763 00:25:09,431 --> 00:25:11,252 As you see darling, I'm all alone 764 00:25:11,252 --> 00:25:12,863 and up to my ears in it. 765 00:25:12,863 --> 00:25:14,154 - [Belfridge] Ah-choo! 766 00:25:14,154 --> 00:25:15,684 - You ask me, you're up to your neck in it. 767 00:25:15,684 --> 00:25:17,458 (audience laughing) - [Belfridge] Ah-choo! 768 00:25:17,458 --> 00:25:20,293 (Mrs. Peacock gasps) 769 00:25:20,293 --> 00:25:21,435 - Stephen! 770 00:25:21,435 --> 00:25:22,715 - Ground floor, and hurry. 771 00:25:22,715 --> 00:25:26,882 (audience laughing) (cash register music) 772 00:25:29,235 --> 00:25:30,725 - You understand-- (audience laughing) 773 00:25:30,725 --> 00:25:33,915 That I cannot allow the sale of your homemade perfume. 774 00:25:33,915 --> 00:25:36,464 This afternoon's episode has set my marriage back, 775 00:25:36,464 --> 00:25:38,104 and also my career. 776 00:25:38,104 --> 00:25:40,064 (audience laughing) (telephone rings) 777 00:25:40,064 --> 00:25:42,053 - So much for me sideline. 778 00:25:42,053 --> 00:25:42,982 - What a shame. 779 00:25:42,982 --> 00:25:44,715 D'you know, and it really worked on that man. 780 00:25:44,715 --> 00:25:45,973 - Oh, (chuckles) no. 781 00:25:45,973 --> 00:25:49,445 He was just a friend of Miss Brahms'; he was paid to act. 782 00:25:49,445 --> 00:25:52,748 - (chuckles) Thought it was too good to be true. 783 00:25:52,748 --> 00:25:55,165 - Oh, that was that actor friend o' mine. 784 00:25:55,165 --> 00:25:56,565 He said he was sorry he couldn't come in, 785 00:25:56,565 --> 00:25:58,435 but he 'ad to go for an audition. 786 00:25:58,435 --> 00:25:59,268 - Hmph. 787 00:26:00,148 --> 00:26:01,952 (audience laughing) 788 00:26:01,952 --> 00:26:03,600 But, that means that-- 789 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:04,632 - He really was! 790 00:26:04,632 --> 00:26:06,350 - Oh, and he was so handsome, 791 00:26:06,350 --> 00:26:08,061 and I let him slip through me fingers! 792 00:26:08,061 --> 00:26:10,987 (audience laughing) 793 00:26:10,987 --> 00:26:13,159 (bottle thuds hollowly) (cork pops faintly) 794 00:26:13,159 --> 00:26:15,509 - You think that'll carry to a roof terrace in Kensington? 795 00:26:15,509 --> 00:26:16,810 (audience laughing) 796 00:26:16,810 --> 00:26:18,050 - No, but this might. 797 00:26:18,050 --> 00:26:18,883 - Come on. 798 00:26:18,883 --> 00:26:23,050 (audience laughing) (audience applauding) 799 00:26:26,199 --> 00:26:29,366 (cash register music) 800 00:26:31,562 --> 00:26:33,141 ♫ Ground floor, perfumery 801 00:26:33,141 --> 00:26:34,550 ♫ Stationery and leather goods 802 00:26:34,550 --> 00:26:35,940 ♫ Drapes and haberdashery 803 00:26:35,940 --> 00:26:37,101 ♫ Kitchenware and food 804 00:26:37,101 --> 00:26:39,351 ♫ Going up 805 00:26:43,151 --> 00:26:44,602 ♫ First floor, telephones 806 00:26:44,602 --> 00:26:46,071 ♫ Gents' ready-made suits 807 00:26:46,071 --> 00:26:47,570 ♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats 808 00:26:47,570 --> 00:26:48,670 ♫ Underwear and shoes 809 00:26:48,670 --> 00:26:50,920 ♫ Going up 810 00:26:54,821 --> 00:26:56,279 ♫ Second floor, carpets 811 00:26:56,279 --> 00:26:57,711 ♫ Travel goods and bedding 812 00:26:57,711 --> 00:26:59,239 ♫ Material, soft furnishings 813 00:26:59,239 --> 00:27:00,370 ♫ Restaurant and teas 814 00:27:00,370 --> 00:27:02,787 ♫ Going down 815 00:27:06,378 --> 00:27:07,869 ♫ First floor, telephones 816 00:27:07,869 --> 00:27:09,349 ♫ Gents' ready-made suits 817 00:27:09,349 --> 00:27:10,797 ♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats 818 00:27:10,797 --> 00:27:11,978 ♫ Underwear and shoes 819 00:27:11,978 --> 00:27:14,395 ♫ Going down 820 00:27:18,013 --> 00:27:19,383 ♫ Ground floor, perfumery 821 00:27:19,383 --> 00:27:20,834 ♫ Stationery and leather goods 822 00:27:20,834 --> 00:27:22,352 ♫ Drapes and haberdashery 823 00:27:22,352 --> 00:27:23,463 ♫ Kitchenware and food 824 00:27:23,463 --> 00:27:25,713 ♫ Going up