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1
00:00:09,931 --> 00:00:12,392
[cheers and applause]
2
00:00:15,020 --> 00:00:17,689
All right, thank you!
3
00:00:17,772 --> 00:00:19,607
Thank you very much!
4
00:00:19,691 --> 00:00:23,111
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
How are you?
5
00:00:23,194 --> 00:00:25,447
What's going on?
6
00:00:25,530 --> 00:00:26,865
Thank you.
7
00:00:26,948 --> 00:00:30,618
It's a pleasure to be here
8
00:00:30,702 --> 00:00:35,999
in the greater Atlanta, Georgia,
area, this oasis.
9
00:00:38,042 --> 00:00:40,628
It's nice to be here. I don't know
why I came here in June.
10
00:00:40,712 --> 00:00:44,090
It's nice to be here.
Wasn't thinking.
11
00:00:46,050 --> 00:00:50,138
Fucking ridiculously hot out there.
Just miserable, horrible.
12
00:00:50,221 --> 00:00:53,516
That kind of heat, you understand
the racism down here, ya know?
13
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:56,811
I get it. How would you
get along with anybody?
14
00:00:56,895 --> 00:01:01,149
"Look at 'em just over there,
drinkin' a cold drink!
15
00:01:03,610 --> 00:01:05,737
Lemonade was made
for the white man!"
16
00:01:09,074 --> 00:01:10,241
So...
17
00:01:11,868 --> 00:01:15,497
What the hell have I been doing
with my life? Trying to get in shape, man.
18
00:01:15,580 --> 00:01:19,000
But I hate going to the gym, so I
decided I'd go veggie twice a week.
19
00:01:19,084 --> 00:01:20,418
It's brutal.
20
00:01:20,502 --> 00:01:23,671
I can only make it till about 5:00.
21
00:01:23,755 --> 00:01:27,008
Five o'clock, that's what I realized
about myself, you know that?
22
00:01:27,091 --> 00:01:32,889
Something has to die every day
in order for me to live.
23
00:01:34,015 --> 00:01:36,810
Something's got to get
its beak chopped off,
24
00:01:36,893 --> 00:01:38,686
its feathers yanked,
25
00:01:38,770 --> 00:01:42,982
uppercut to its jaw,
just in order for me to survive.
26
00:01:43,066 --> 00:01:46,778
I'm trying! Couscous and all that shit.
27
00:01:51,699 --> 00:01:53,535
It's awful.
28
00:01:53,618 --> 00:01:57,622
I saw this thing, though.
They said if everybody went vegan,
29
00:01:57,705 --> 00:02:00,875
if everybody went vegan or vegetarian,
whatever the hell they said.
30
00:02:00,959 --> 00:02:03,044
One of those "V" ones, right?
31
00:02:03,128 --> 00:02:06,005
They said it'll be great
for the environment, you know.
32
00:02:06,089 --> 00:02:09,717
I guess there's all this cattle
standing around, and when they fart,
33
00:02:09,801 --> 00:02:13,012
the gas goes up in the atmosphere
and causes something.
34
00:02:13,096 --> 00:02:14,806
Right?
35
00:02:15,932 --> 00:02:18,143
They're always doing that shit.
36
00:02:18,226 --> 00:02:21,980
You know, "If everybody
went vegan, the air would be...
37
00:02:22,063 --> 00:02:23,940
If everybody drove an electric car,
38
00:02:24,023 --> 00:02:27,902
if everybody just had
some snowshoes on."
39
00:02:27,986 --> 00:02:30,864
Right? They just won't
come out and say it.
40
00:02:30,947 --> 00:02:36,327
Nobody has the balls to come out and just
say, "Look, 85% of you have to go."
41
00:02:37,912 --> 00:02:41,791
- That's it! That is it.
- [cheering and applause]
42
00:02:41,875 --> 00:02:45,044
I have been bitching
about the population problem
43
00:02:45,128 --> 00:02:47,338
for three specials in a row.
44
00:02:49,007 --> 00:02:50,925
Waiting...
45
00:02:51,009 --> 00:02:54,929
for some politician to have
the balls to bring it up,
46
00:02:55,013 --> 00:02:56,973
but they won't do it,
they won't do it.
47
00:02:57,056 --> 00:02:59,767
We live in a democracy. Right?
48
00:02:59,851 --> 00:03:03,771
Can't be honest in a democracy.
You need the votes.
49
00:03:03,855 --> 00:03:07,150
You can't run
with that as your platform.
50
00:03:07,233 --> 00:03:09,903
Coming out there:
"And if elected,
51
00:03:09,986 --> 00:03:11,988
I would implement a program
52
00:03:12,071 --> 00:03:16,367
to immediately eliminate
at least 85% of you!
53
00:03:18,244 --> 00:03:21,623
This planet cannot sustain
the sheer numbers...
54
00:03:21,706 --> 00:03:23,082
Let me finish!
55
00:03:25,585 --> 00:03:28,171
This will not be arbitrary.
56
00:03:28,254 --> 00:03:32,133
Under your seats
is a multiple choice questionnaire!
57
00:03:32,217 --> 00:03:35,845
If you did not bring a pencil,
you're already out!"
58
00:03:37,889 --> 00:03:39,891
You can't do that.
59
00:03:39,974 --> 00:03:41,809
You got to be nice.
60
00:03:41,893 --> 00:03:44,896
You got to be fuckin' nice,
especially this day and age.
61
00:03:44,979 --> 00:03:48,316
Everybody getting in trouble,
all these goddamn groups out there,
62
00:03:48,399 --> 00:03:51,110
bitch, moaning and complaining
anytime anybody says anything.
63
00:03:51,194 --> 00:03:53,404
"We're part of a group, eh."
64
00:03:53,488 --> 00:03:55,240
You gotta apologize.
65
00:03:55,323 --> 00:03:59,077
"I'm sorry to people
who own Shar Peis.
66
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:04,040
I didn't mean to say
that it's an ugly-ass dog, nah."
67
00:04:04,123 --> 00:04:05,792
Right?
68
00:04:05,875 --> 00:04:08,336
Fuck you and your group.
What about that?
69
00:04:08,419 --> 00:04:11,172
What do you got,
two million people in your group?
70
00:04:11,256 --> 00:04:15,885
There's 400 million in this country.
Nobody gives a shit.
71
00:04:15,969 --> 00:04:18,137
Right?
72
00:04:18,221 --> 00:04:20,098
Who the fuck joins a group?
73
00:04:21,099 --> 00:04:24,185
"I'm gonna join a group,
that's what I'm gonna do today."
74
00:04:24,269 --> 00:04:28,314
Go to meetings.
What kind of a fucking loser, right?
75
00:04:30,984 --> 00:04:35,029
That's the same way I look at people
who got upset about,
76
00:04:35,113 --> 00:04:37,907
you know, Michael Sam,
the gay football player
77
00:04:37,991 --> 00:04:40,076
kissing his boyfriend
when he got drafted.
78
00:04:40,159 --> 00:04:41,911
Everybody bitch,
moaning and complaining.
79
00:04:41,995 --> 00:04:46,874
It's like, dude, that's what you
get for watching the draft, all right?
80
00:04:46,958 --> 00:04:51,838
Now once again,
what kind of a fucking loser
81
00:04:51,921 --> 00:04:55,883
just sits there watching
round after round?
82
00:04:55,967 --> 00:04:58,052
"The Jets are up next.
83
00:04:58,136 --> 00:05:00,054
I think they need a quarterback.
84
00:05:00,138 --> 00:05:04,434
They need to improve
their defensive line."
85
00:05:04,517 --> 00:05:08,313
Dude, that's like going
to a graduation ceremony
86
00:05:08,396 --> 00:05:10,857
where you don't know
anybody who's graduating.
87
00:05:10,940 --> 00:05:12,775
You're just fucking sitting there.
88
00:05:12,859 --> 00:05:15,403
They're gonna have
the whole list the next day.
89
00:05:15,486 --> 00:05:18,906
They'll have everybody.
Who drafted who, when.
90
00:05:18,990 --> 00:05:22,076
Fucking got to sit there
and watch that shit.
91
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,287
Those stupid interviews.
92
00:05:24,370 --> 00:05:28,124
"Yeah, you're a member of
the Buffalo Bills. How does it feel?"
93
00:05:28,207 --> 00:05:32,837
"Well, you know, it's a blessing.
I want to thank God.
94
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:35,840
Gonna try to do my best,
it's a great organization,
95
00:05:35,923 --> 00:05:39,135
and the same shit the last
80 guys said. So, yeah."
96
00:05:41,345 --> 00:05:43,097
Yeah.
97
00:05:43,181 --> 00:05:46,309
I'm glad he kissed him.
He should have fuckin' blown him.
98
00:05:46,392 --> 00:05:47,518
Yeah!
99
00:05:47,602 --> 00:05:51,981
With birthday cake in his mouth
and a Santa Claus hat on his head,
100
00:05:52,065 --> 00:05:55,109
just to ruin the entire year.
101
00:05:55,193 --> 00:05:59,155
Holding a flag. That fucks up Flag Day.
You'll keep thinking about it.
102
00:06:02,450 --> 00:06:04,118
Yeah.
103
00:06:04,202 --> 00:06:06,454
Fucking stupid-ass groups.
104
00:06:06,537 --> 00:06:10,124
People apologizing to 'em
like they have some sort of power.
105
00:06:10,208 --> 00:06:12,126
Look, if you're being a dick, apologize.
106
00:06:12,210 --> 00:06:15,421
But other than that,
yeah, go fuck yourself. Yeah.
107
00:06:15,505 --> 00:06:17,965
[cheers and applause]
108
00:06:18,049 --> 00:06:22,261
Everybody getting in trouble,
like a bunch of children.
109
00:06:22,345 --> 00:06:27,141
I was doing a gig in Dallas, and some
waitress wrote on a piece of chalkboard.
110
00:06:27,225 --> 00:06:31,813
She goes, "We like our beer the way
we like our violence, domestic."
111
00:06:31,896 --> 00:06:33,314
Right?
112
00:06:33,397 --> 00:06:37,902
Now I got to tell you something.
That's a great fucking joke!
113
00:06:37,985 --> 00:06:41,989
There is zero fat on that.
You need every word of that joke.
114
00:06:42,073 --> 00:06:44,367
You take one word out,
it doesn't work.
115
00:06:44,450 --> 00:06:48,162
It's a perfect joke.
So whatever, nobody gives a shit.
116
00:06:48,246 --> 00:06:51,916
One person comes in, they don't like it,
they ask the manager to take it down.
117
00:06:51,999 --> 00:06:54,502
He's just like,
"That's our sense of humor here.
118
00:06:54,585 --> 00:06:58,172
Have a beer, go fuck yourself.
That's what we're doing."
119
00:06:59,423 --> 00:07:02,176
She takes a picture of it,
puts it on Facebook.
120
00:07:02,260 --> 00:07:06,514
All of a sudden, people start complaining.
They fired the manager and the waitress.
121
00:07:06,597 --> 00:07:08,391
Because of that. Yeah!
122
00:07:08,474 --> 00:07:12,437
I don't understand, like,
what do they think is gonna happen
123
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,273
if somebody reads that joke?
124
00:07:15,356 --> 00:07:18,443
Like, you're some guy who would
never hit a woman, ya know.
125
00:07:19,485 --> 00:07:23,030
Would never hit a woman.
You can't hit women. You honestly cannot.
126
00:07:23,114 --> 00:07:26,534
You ever see how they fall?
They fall like toddlers, you know?
127
00:07:26,617 --> 00:07:30,413
It's like they never fell in their life.
They never put their hands out.
128
00:07:30,496 --> 00:07:34,208
It's horrific to watch.
You can't hit them. Right?
129
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:39,505
So what are you telling me?
Somebody...
130
00:07:39,589 --> 00:07:43,092
you're telling me someone
who never hit a woman
131
00:07:43,176 --> 00:07:45,553
is gonna come walking in,
read that joke,
132
00:07:45,636 --> 00:07:48,222
you know, just be, "Wait a minute!"
133
00:07:48,306 --> 00:07:50,183
[shouts angrily]
134
00:07:57,148 --> 00:07:59,108
That's the dumbest shit.
135
00:07:59,192 --> 00:08:03,237
They have all kinds of signs out there
telling people not to hit women,
136
00:08:03,321 --> 00:08:05,239
people still do it.
137
00:08:05,323 --> 00:08:08,117
What do you think wife beaters
are doing when they drive home?
138
00:08:08,201 --> 00:08:10,578
They're like so focused
on hitting their wife,
139
00:08:10,661 --> 00:08:13,247
they got blinders on,
they're not reading anything?
140
00:08:15,041 --> 00:08:19,086
They don't see the
"Don't Hit Your Wife" billboard?
141
00:08:19,170 --> 00:08:20,671
They're still gonna do it.
142
00:08:22,173 --> 00:08:24,175
Did that get too weird for you guys?
143
00:08:29,472 --> 00:08:33,267
Did the church organs make that
fucked up like I was up here?
144
00:08:33,351 --> 00:08:36,437
"Make a pledge for Jesus
and hit your women."
145
00:08:41,275 --> 00:08:43,361
Ever watch some of those
stupid religious shows?
146
00:08:43,444 --> 00:08:46,155
That fucking Joel Osteen,
you ever see that guy?
147
00:08:46,239 --> 00:08:50,159
That guy is so full of shit, he doesn't
even open his eyes when he's talking.
148
00:08:50,243 --> 00:08:53,663
"Take a pledge for Jesus.
Are they still here?"
149
00:08:53,746 --> 00:08:55,915
He doesn't even have
the nerve to open his eyes.
150
00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:00,378
"You want some popsicles?
Jesus wants you to have some popsicles.
151
00:09:00,461 --> 00:09:02,964
He wants you to have
those popsicles."
152
00:09:03,047 --> 00:09:05,216
His fucking electric blue carpet.
153
00:09:08,386 --> 00:09:11,556
Yeah, everybody's getting in trouble
'cause of these goddamn groups.
154
00:09:11,639 --> 00:09:15,309
Look at the amount of old people
that got in trouble this year.
155
00:09:15,393 --> 00:09:17,270
Old people get in trouble, right?
156
00:09:17,353 --> 00:09:20,398
That older woman there
that makes the cookies
157
00:09:20,481 --> 00:09:25,069
on the Food Network, right?
158
00:09:25,152 --> 00:09:27,154
Yeah, Paula Deen.
She got in trouble,
159
00:09:27,238 --> 00:09:31,492
'cause she had this slavery-themed
wedding or whatever the hell she did.
160
00:09:34,620 --> 00:09:38,499
In defense of her, you know,
you want to have an original wedding.
161
00:09:38,583 --> 00:09:41,043
There's not a lot
of themes left, you know?
162
00:09:41,127 --> 00:09:44,630
You got to use the old imagination
if you're gonna
163
00:09:44,714 --> 00:09:47,758
try to blow people away
with your creativity, right?
164
00:09:49,969 --> 00:09:53,681
I'm actually gonna have a Holocaust-
themed pool party later on this summer.
165
00:09:53,764 --> 00:09:55,182
I am.
166
00:09:58,436 --> 00:10:00,605
"Once everyone gets
in ze pool, ja."
167
00:10:05,109 --> 00:10:09,238
"It was weird, it was like it was
offensive but like refreshing, you know?
168
00:10:09,322 --> 00:10:13,409
I don't know, I don't know
how I feel about it."
169
00:10:17,496 --> 00:10:19,457
Yeah, she got in trouble.
170
00:10:19,540 --> 00:10:24,420
The old redneck on Duck Dynasty,
that dude got in trouble.
171
00:10:24,503 --> 00:10:26,589
The owner of the Clippers
got in trouble.
172
00:10:26,672 --> 00:10:29,550
And I'm not saying what these people
did wasn't offensive.
173
00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:31,218
I'm not sayin' that shit.
174
00:10:31,302 --> 00:10:33,739
What pissed me off was at no point
during all of these stories
175
00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:36,724
did anybody
address their age, you know?
176
00:10:36,807 --> 00:10:39,560
They're fucking old, you know?
177
00:10:39,644 --> 00:10:41,812
What did you think they thought?
178
00:10:43,814 --> 00:10:46,901
You never talked to a grandparent
and asked the wrong question
179
00:10:46,984 --> 00:10:49,153
and all of a sudden,
it went down this crazy road?
180
00:10:49,236 --> 00:10:53,491
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's get back
to the cookies, Grandma!
181
00:10:53,574 --> 00:10:57,453
Let's leave that shit
over here, what the fuck?"
182
00:10:58,537 --> 00:11:00,831
Yeah, they're old.
183
00:11:00,915 --> 00:11:02,750
What did you think they thought?
184
00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,670
I mean... I'm gonna be honest with you.
185
00:11:05,753 --> 00:11:10,007
People were too hard on that
Clippers guy, man, I'm telling you.
186
00:11:10,091 --> 00:11:15,513
For an 80-year-old white guy,
that wasn't that bad. All right?
187
00:11:15,596 --> 00:11:18,474
Dude, he didn't drop
the "N" word once.
188
00:11:18,557 --> 00:11:21,477
That's unbelievable
for an 80-year-old white guy.
189
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:25,564
The "N" word should have been
carpet-bombed through that whole tape.
190
00:11:25,648 --> 00:11:27,441
He never said it once!
191
00:11:28,651 --> 00:11:31,695
If you go back and listen to that tape...
go back and listen to it.
192
00:11:31,779 --> 00:11:34,740
Other than Instagram,
he's pretty fucking liberal.
193
00:11:35,866 --> 00:11:39,870
He's like, "You can hang out with them,
you can have sex with them,
194
00:11:39,954 --> 00:11:42,957
just don't promote it on Instagram."
195
00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:48,921
Yeah, it was the weirdest,
most compartmentalized,
196
00:11:49,004 --> 00:11:52,383
like, racism I ever heard in my life.
197
00:11:52,466 --> 00:11:54,427
Something about Instagram,
I didn't get it.
198
00:11:54,510 --> 00:11:57,346
Other than that,
he was wide open.
199
00:11:57,430 --> 00:12:01,559
"You can make a snowman
with them, go to a water park,
200
00:12:01,642 --> 00:12:04,395
rub your bellies together,
201
00:12:04,478 --> 00:12:07,773
just don't promote it on Instagram."
202
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,275
"Hey, what about Facebook?"
203
00:12:09,358 --> 00:12:12,486
"I don't give a fuck about Facebook!
204
00:12:12,570 --> 00:12:14,405
Keep it off of Instagram!"
205
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:19,743
Yeah.
206
00:12:19,827 --> 00:12:23,539
Dude, you understand,
the guy is 80 years old.
207
00:12:23,622 --> 00:12:27,460
Do the math.
This dude was born in 1934.
208
00:12:27,543 --> 00:12:31,755
That's 13 years before Jackie Robinson
broke the color barrier.
209
00:12:31,839 --> 00:12:35,885
First 12 and a half years of this guy's
life, he watched all-white baseball,
210
00:12:35,968 --> 00:12:37,178
and it was fine!
211
00:12:38,929 --> 00:12:43,434
First 12 and a half years.
"Up next, Whitey Willoughby!
212
00:12:43,517 --> 00:12:47,897
There's a line shot out
to Peter Peckerwood, what a catch!
213
00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:50,816
Unbelievable,
in to Chris Cracker!
214
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:54,570
What a great day.
What a great day for a ballgame.
215
00:12:54,653 --> 00:12:57,156
White baseball, white players."
216
00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:03,787
Dude, his parents were part of
the generation that finished off
217
00:13:03,871 --> 00:13:07,541
the genocide of
the Native Americans, all right?
218
00:13:07,625 --> 00:13:09,502
That's who taught him his ABCs.
219
00:13:11,545 --> 00:13:14,423
You know?
"♪ A, B, C, D, E... ♪
220
00:13:14,507 --> 00:13:17,718
Hey, get that savage off
my property!
221
00:13:17,801 --> 00:13:19,803
Get out of here!
222
00:13:19,887 --> 00:13:22,348
I thought we killed all you people!
223
00:13:23,849 --> 00:13:25,643
Put a fence around them!
224
00:13:28,020 --> 00:13:30,356
♪ H, I, J, K... ♪"
225
00:13:31,774 --> 00:13:35,361
Yeah. What did you think
was gonna happen?
226
00:13:36,904 --> 00:13:40,741
The owner of the Clippers,
you know what his big crime was?
227
00:13:40,824 --> 00:13:42,785
He lived too long.
228
00:13:43,827 --> 00:13:48,082
He did. If he'd died around 1969, 1970,
nobody would have noticed.
229
00:13:49,542 --> 00:13:53,337
Dude, look at Walt Disney,
Walt Disney was a known anti-Semite.
230
00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:56,465
But he died in the early '70s.
Nobody gives a shit.
231
00:13:56,549 --> 00:14:00,427
Look at him, he's got a castle,
bunch of mice running around.
232
00:14:00,511 --> 00:14:02,596
Nobody cares.
233
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,515
This guy kept living.
234
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:07,893
Telling you, you can live too long.
235
00:14:08,978 --> 00:14:11,605
You can live too long,
I'm telling you.
236
00:14:11,689 --> 00:14:13,440
You wear out your welcome.
237
00:14:17,278 --> 00:14:19,154
I swear to God,
this fucking guy,
238
00:14:19,238 --> 00:14:21,532
I bet in the 1940's,
he was considered a hippie.
239
00:14:21,615 --> 00:14:22,825
You know?
240
00:14:22,908 --> 00:14:25,661
Just walking around, "Hey,
you can hang out with 'em,
241
00:14:25,744 --> 00:14:29,498
you can have sex
with 'em, man, you know?"
242
00:14:29,582 --> 00:14:31,166
His dad's getting all pissed off:
243
00:14:31,250 --> 00:14:33,353
"Let me tell you something, see?
You stay with your own!
244
00:14:33,377 --> 00:14:34,503
You stay with your own."
245
00:14:38,048 --> 00:14:39,758
That's true, though.
246
00:14:39,842 --> 00:14:44,513
Life can pass you by. It happens.
You just keep living and living.
247
00:14:44,597 --> 00:14:47,516
Basically, I think you got,
like, 25, 30 years
248
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:51,812
to absorb as much as you can,
and then that's it, that's all you know.
249
00:14:51,896 --> 00:14:55,691
'Cause right around then,
you get married, and it's over, right?
250
00:14:55,774 --> 00:14:58,736
You have a couple of kids,
you're sucked in the bubble.
251
00:14:58,819 --> 00:15:02,406
You don't have time to pay attention
to what's going on out in the world.
252
00:15:02,489 --> 00:15:04,968
You're stuck with these kids.
"It's shitting all over the place!
253
00:15:04,992 --> 00:15:07,369
Don't be a serial killer!
Don't touch that!"
254
00:15:07,453 --> 00:15:09,246
You're just stuck in that.
255
00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:13,542
You have three, four kids,
that is a 25-year sentence,
256
00:15:13,626 --> 00:15:15,544
trying to get them
all through college.
257
00:15:15,628 --> 00:15:18,714
Society just keeps fucking going.
258
00:15:18,797 --> 00:15:21,634
You get the last one through college,
step back out of the bubble...
259
00:15:24,511 --> 00:15:26,948
You don't know what happened.
You're not even paying attention.
260
00:15:26,972 --> 00:15:28,891
You go back to your
old record collection.
261
00:15:28,974 --> 00:15:31,977
[scatting]
262
00:15:35,022 --> 00:15:38,567
Someone sticks a mike in your face,
you're gonna get in trouble.
263
00:15:41,987 --> 00:15:45,908
Yeah. It's one of the sad
things about life.
264
00:15:45,991 --> 00:15:49,411
You get old and it passes you by.
I feel it passing me by.
265
00:15:49,495 --> 00:15:53,415
I'm 46 years old. I don't even have kids,
but I can't keep up anymore.
266
00:15:53,499 --> 00:15:54,750
I had a college gig coming up,
267
00:15:54,833 --> 00:15:57,586
I was like, I gotta figure out
what these kids are into.
268
00:15:57,670 --> 00:16:00,839
I was 24 when a senior was born.
269
00:16:00,923 --> 00:16:02,651
I got to figure out
what these dudes are into,
270
00:16:02,675 --> 00:16:06,595
so I guess they're into like,
this like DJ music or some shit,
271
00:16:06,679 --> 00:16:09,473
so I'm like, all right,
I'll watch some of this.
272
00:16:09,556 --> 00:16:10,975
You know?
273
00:16:11,058 --> 00:16:14,770
So I have like a reference or two.
274
00:16:14,853 --> 00:16:16,853
I don't want to be that
old comic coming to the gig
275
00:16:16,897 --> 00:16:18,750
being like, "What's up
with this Monica Lewinsky?
276
00:16:18,774 --> 00:16:25,114
Is this crazy? I mean, this Y2K...
Is my stylus gonna work? I don't know."
277
00:16:27,950 --> 00:16:31,620
So I put this shit on.
Dude, I lasted 90 seconds.
278
00:16:31,704 --> 00:16:34,456
Ninety seconds. I was open-minded.
"All right, put it on!"
279
00:16:34,540 --> 00:16:36,260
Ninety seconds later,
I'm like this old man.
280
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:40,879
"Ah, this isn't music!"
You know?
281
00:16:40,963 --> 00:16:44,758
"When I was a kid, you dressed like
a woman and you sung about the devil.
282
00:16:44,842 --> 00:16:47,678
Now, that was music!
283
00:16:47,761 --> 00:16:53,767
And you had one ballad every album,
started off in black and white
284
00:16:53,851 --> 00:16:56,687
and when the guitar solo came in,
it went to color.
285
00:16:56,770 --> 00:16:58,313
Yeah, that was music."
286
00:17:01,358 --> 00:17:02,651
Yeah.
287
00:17:02,735 --> 00:17:04,737
All of this shit's passing me by.
288
00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:08,907
I'll get in trouble later on in my life.
Transgender athletes?
289
00:17:08,991 --> 00:17:11,577
I don't fucking understand
that, you know?
290
00:17:11,660 --> 00:17:16,874
I understand, you want to switch around,
I don't give a shit, but I'm a sports fan.
291
00:17:16,957 --> 00:17:21,003
That's a really new concept to me,
that you can be a dude, right?
292
00:17:21,086 --> 00:17:22,880
Ranked 80th in the fucking world.
293
00:17:22,963 --> 00:17:25,591
You have your dick cut off,
you put on a sports bra,
294
00:17:25,674 --> 00:17:27,676
and now you're the #1
tennis player in the world,
295
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,054
just coming out there
with your man shoulders.
296
00:17:30,137 --> 00:17:33,891
[grunting]
297
00:17:33,974 --> 00:17:36,935
That doesn't seem fair.
I might be wrong.
298
00:17:37,019 --> 00:17:39,772
I might just be an old guy,
I have no idea.
299
00:17:41,690 --> 00:17:44,777
But I'm hearing rumors like some
of them are getting into that MMA.
300
00:17:44,860 --> 00:17:47,029
You can't have that shit.
301
00:17:47,112 --> 00:17:48,530
Am I nuts?
302
00:17:48,614 --> 00:17:51,575
That is a dickless dude
beating the shit out of a woman.
303
00:17:53,243 --> 00:17:57,915
Jesus Christ! He might as well hit her
with his discarded dick like a flashlight.
304
00:17:59,958 --> 00:18:02,044
"Hold still!"
305
00:18:02,127 --> 00:18:03,962
"Her ground and pound is incredible."
306
00:18:07,049 --> 00:18:08,133
Yeah.
307
00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:11,029
I'm not saying these people are right,
and I'm not saying that I'm right.
308
00:18:11,053 --> 00:18:13,430
I know I'm a fucking moron,
ya know.
309
00:18:14,932 --> 00:18:18,977
But that Duck Dynasty guy...
I know what he said was wrong,
310
00:18:19,061 --> 00:18:21,730
but I don't get the shock.
311
00:18:21,814 --> 00:18:25,150
Said that homophobic stuff,
and people are like, "Can you believe?"
312
00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:27,903
Yeah, I totally can believe it.
313
00:18:27,986 --> 00:18:33,367
If I was in Vegas, I would have put 90%
of my shit on that he was gonna say it.
314
00:18:33,450 --> 00:18:37,121
I'd give him a 10% benefit
of the doubt just in case.
315
00:18:39,373 --> 00:18:42,751
Are you seriously shocked some
redneck with a beard down to his dick
316
00:18:42,835 --> 00:18:47,673
sitting in a boat in the middle
of a swamp shooting varmints?
317
00:18:47,756 --> 00:18:50,092
Like, what did you
think he thought?
318
00:18:50,175 --> 00:18:55,264
Did you think he had some progressive
ideas on same-sex marriage?
319
00:18:55,347 --> 00:18:57,724
[cheers and applause]
320
00:18:57,808 --> 00:18:59,768
Yeah.
321
00:18:59,852 --> 00:19:01,603
Didn't he think...
322
00:19:01,687 --> 00:19:03,856
Didn't he think
exactly what you thought...
323
00:19:03,939 --> 00:19:05,232
he thought, you know?
324
00:19:07,109 --> 00:19:09,611
You know what kills me too?
That fuckin' kinda shit,
325
00:19:09,695 --> 00:19:12,015
that homophobic stuff, that
all comes from the church, man.
326
00:19:12,072 --> 00:19:13,490
Doesn't it come from that shit?
327
00:19:13,574 --> 00:19:15,159
There's something in there.
328
00:19:15,242 --> 00:19:17,286
I never read the Book, all right?
329
00:19:17,369 --> 00:19:20,289
I tried to.
They need to fucking update it.
330
00:19:20,372 --> 00:19:23,792
They update iTunes
every fuckin' six days.
331
00:19:23,876 --> 00:19:26,795
Can we update the language
and make it a little more
332
00:19:26,879 --> 00:19:29,798
user friendlieth...
for someone like me?
333
00:19:29,882 --> 00:19:31,133
Right?
334
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,763
That's where he gets
all those fucking ideas.
335
00:19:36,847 --> 00:19:40,225
That Duck Dynasty guy,
it's not his fault that he went to...
336
00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:43,645
He went to Sunday School
in like 1949, you know?
337
00:19:45,272 --> 00:19:47,083
I think all of that shit
comes from the church.
338
00:19:47,107 --> 00:19:48,251
They just fuckin' brainwash you.
339
00:19:48,275 --> 00:19:51,820
You know? Don't clap, don't clap,
I don't read, I don't read.
340
00:19:51,904 --> 00:19:53,071
Follow someone else.
341
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:58,827
I'm telling you,
they brainwash you.
342
00:19:58,911 --> 00:20:02,331
Come into the church, your brain's all
empty, they fill it like a jelly donut.
343
00:20:02,414 --> 00:20:04,708
[making squishing sounds]
344
00:20:04,791 --> 00:20:10,339
Just brainwash you.
"♪ Say what we say when we say it ♪
345
00:20:10,422 --> 00:20:14,301
♪ Say it again, then you can
go home to your toys ♪"
346
00:20:14,384 --> 00:20:16,970
"♪ All right, I'll say it ♪
347
00:20:17,054 --> 00:20:19,097
♪ I'll say it again ♪
348
00:20:19,181 --> 00:20:21,850
♪ Now can I go home to my toys? ♪"
349
00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:26,355
Right? And you repeat
everything they say.
350
00:20:26,438 --> 00:20:29,858
The good, the bad,
and the fucking horrific.
351
00:20:29,942 --> 00:20:31,526
They stick a star
on your forehead.
352
00:20:31,610 --> 00:20:32,861
"You're a big boy."
353
00:20:32,945 --> 00:20:35,197
"Looks like people like me!"
354
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,032
You get on with your life.
355
00:20:37,115 --> 00:20:39,868
You go to college, you get
a master's degree in English
356
00:20:39,952 --> 00:20:42,955
like this redneck dude had,
he invents the new duck whistle
357
00:20:43,038 --> 00:20:44,957
or whatever the hell
you call it, right.
358
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:46,208
Yours goes, "Whack whack!"
359
00:20:46,291 --> 00:20:48,377
Mine goes,
"Whack-a-fuckin'-whack!"
360
00:20:50,254 --> 00:20:55,342
Dude makes a zillion bucks,
gets his own TV show, he's loving life.
361
00:20:55,425 --> 00:20:58,470
And out of nowhere,
here comes that same question
362
00:20:58,553 --> 00:21:01,181
sixty years later from Sunday School,
363
00:21:01,265 --> 00:21:04,017
and he stands up like
the Manchurian Candidate.
364
00:21:05,894 --> 00:21:11,275
"Jesus liked hookers and lepers,
doesn't like the queers."
365
00:21:11,358 --> 00:21:14,361
And everybody freaks
the fuck out, and he's like,
366
00:21:14,444 --> 00:21:16,029
"That's what they said!"
367
00:21:16,113 --> 00:21:19,992
And they're all dead.
"Oh, where'd everybody go?
368
00:21:20,075 --> 00:21:22,160
I thought I was a good boy!"
369
00:21:23,954 --> 00:21:26,999
He's just this scared old man
getting yelled at in a boat.
370
00:21:29,334 --> 00:21:32,170
I don't understand.
371
00:21:32,254 --> 00:21:36,216
I don't understand
why a group like GLAAD, right?
372
00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:38,260
I always forget,
it's Gay Lesbian A...
373
00:21:38,343 --> 00:21:41,096
whatever the fuck
it stands for, all right?
374
00:21:41,179 --> 00:21:44,057
Why do they go after
the old guy in the boat?
375
00:21:44,141 --> 00:21:47,102
Why don't they go after the people
writing the Book? Right?
376
00:21:47,185 --> 00:21:52,816
"Hey, could you please teareth outeth
those coupleth of pages?"
377
00:21:52,899 --> 00:21:56,111
They're not gonna do that. That's
the Vatican. They're their own city.
378
00:21:56,194 --> 00:21:57,588
They got a wall around their own city.
379
00:21:57,612 --> 00:22:00,532
They're brushing off cases
of pedophilia like it's nothing.
380
00:22:01,867 --> 00:22:03,243
They're not taking that call.
381
00:22:03,327 --> 00:22:05,454
"Oh, what happened?
Really? Go fuck yourself."
382
00:22:05,537 --> 00:22:07,914
Click. They don't care.
383
00:22:07,998 --> 00:22:11,084
[applause]
384
00:22:11,168 --> 00:22:16,214
I learned a long time ago, I think
whatever you're into, you're into,
385
00:22:16,298 --> 00:22:18,800
but I'm not into that
religious stuff where...
386
00:22:18,884 --> 00:22:21,344
And this is why. I actually
walked away from my religion.
387
00:22:21,428 --> 00:22:25,057
I had to be honest with myself.
One, I didn't like to go...
388
00:22:25,140 --> 00:22:27,976
I didn't like going to church
every week, you know?
389
00:22:28,060 --> 00:22:30,312
I just didn't.
Part of it was I'm lazy.
390
00:22:30,395 --> 00:22:32,314
I don't like getting up on Sundays,
391
00:22:32,397 --> 00:22:35,984
and the other part was
I already heard all the stories, okay?
392
00:22:36,068 --> 00:22:39,154
Heard them three, four times,
the Dude hasn't come back yet.
393
00:22:39,237 --> 00:22:43,325
You know, we're just sort of mulching
over the same shit here, I got it.
394
00:22:43,408 --> 00:22:45,410
- Right?
- [cheers and applause]
395
00:22:45,494 --> 00:22:48,163
And the other aspect was,
you know, I actually...
396
00:22:48,246 --> 00:22:50,082
I had to be honest with myself.
397
00:22:50,165 --> 00:22:53,668
I felt my religion made sense
and everybody else's sounded stupid.
398
00:22:53,752 --> 00:22:55,212
[cackles]
399
00:22:55,295 --> 00:22:56,630
I did.
400
00:22:56,713 --> 00:22:59,382
Look, I'm not talking
about the basis of every religion.
401
00:22:59,466 --> 00:23:03,011
Basis of every religion makes sense,
you know, the Ten Commandments.
402
00:23:03,095 --> 00:23:04,346
Don't kill anybody.
403
00:23:04,429 --> 00:23:07,224
Don't touch my wife.
That's my bike. Right?
404
00:23:08,475 --> 00:23:10,852
That all makes sense.
405
00:23:10,936 --> 00:23:14,022
Of which, I've broken,
I think I've broken just about
406
00:23:14,106 --> 00:23:17,025
every commandment
except for the fifth one, that's it.
407
00:23:17,109 --> 00:23:19,569
I haven't killed
anybody yet, right?
408
00:23:19,653 --> 00:23:23,490
But the murderous thoughts that
I have sometimes, I think I could do it.
409
00:23:25,951 --> 00:23:29,037
Like when someone gets on a plane
and they kick off their loafers,
410
00:23:29,121 --> 00:23:31,957
and they're wearing those gold-toed,
like, dress socks,
411
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,000
and they cross their feet
at the ankles,
412
00:23:34,084 --> 00:23:36,378
and they just start
rubbing their feet together.
413
00:23:36,461 --> 00:23:40,298
Like, I see the whole thing,
see the whole thing.
414
00:23:40,382 --> 00:23:42,217
Wrapping that sock.
415
00:23:43,552 --> 00:23:47,013
Shh... Shh... Shh...
416
00:23:49,182 --> 00:23:50,392
Right?
417
00:23:50,475 --> 00:23:52,602
See the whole thing, so we'll see.
418
00:23:54,396 --> 00:23:56,523
Still early on, right?
419
00:23:56,606 --> 00:23:59,067
But just the stories
of how we got here,
420
00:23:59,151 --> 00:24:01,903
and where we're going,
and what happens after we die,
421
00:24:01,987 --> 00:24:04,364
everybody else's religion
sounded stupid, you know?
422
00:24:04,447 --> 00:24:05,675
Like, I live out in Los Angeles,
423
00:24:05,699 --> 00:24:08,285
there's a bunch of
Scientologists out there,
424
00:24:08,368 --> 00:24:10,954
and the first time I heard
the story of Scientology,
425
00:24:11,037 --> 00:24:16,459
I was like, "That is the dumbest shit
I have ever heard in my life."
426
00:24:16,543 --> 00:24:17,752
[man] Yeah!
427
00:24:17,836 --> 00:24:20,172
Like, your guy's name is Ron?
428
00:24:21,423 --> 00:24:23,300
Ron!
429
00:24:23,383 --> 00:24:26,011
And he wasn't alive
thousands of years ago,
430
00:24:26,094 --> 00:24:27,697
so you can hide
a lot of it in the mystery.
431
00:24:27,721 --> 00:24:30,932
This guy was alive,
like, 45, 50 years ago.
432
00:24:31,016 --> 00:24:35,312
He had a driver's license,
Social Security number.
433
00:24:35,395 --> 00:24:38,857
There's like footage of him stubbing
his toe. "Motherfucker!" Right?
434
00:24:40,442 --> 00:24:44,738
I know what happened. He was
working at Denny's, he got sick of it.
435
00:24:44,821 --> 00:24:49,284
"I'll start a religion. Hey, everybody,
there's this spaceship coming back.
436
00:24:49,367 --> 00:24:52,954
Everybody's getting sneakers.
This is Tom Cruise.
437
00:24:53,038 --> 00:24:56,291
We're gonna try
to make you clear, right?"
438
00:24:56,374 --> 00:25:00,295
Look, I'm paraphrasing,
I'm paraphrasing.
439
00:25:00,378 --> 00:25:02,964
To be fair to the Scientologists,
I am paraphrasing,
440
00:25:03,048 --> 00:25:06,676
but that's essentially
what they believe in.
441
00:25:09,304 --> 00:25:11,640
And I said that is the dumbest shit
I ever heard
442
00:25:11,723 --> 00:25:13,642
while simultaneously
still kind of believing
443
00:25:13,725 --> 00:25:15,644
that a woman
who never got fucked
444
00:25:15,727 --> 00:25:20,065
had a baby that walked on water, died,
and came back three days later. So...
445
00:25:21,733 --> 00:25:23,151
Yeah.
446
00:25:23,235 --> 00:25:26,321
That made total sense to me.
447
00:25:26,404 --> 00:25:28,448
So it just hit me one day, I was like,
448
00:25:28,531 --> 00:25:32,369
why does that make sense
and that shit doesn't, you know?
449
00:25:32,452 --> 00:25:36,164
They got a spaceship
in theirs, you know? We... right?
450
00:25:36,248 --> 00:25:38,792
We got the space shuttle,
you know? There's sneakers.
451
00:25:38,875 --> 00:25:41,419
There's a lot of shit
I can relate to in this.
452
00:25:44,089 --> 00:25:46,258
Why does that sound
so dumb to me?
453
00:25:47,259 --> 00:25:48,885
You know what it is?
454
00:25:48,969 --> 00:25:51,329
I think it's 'cause I heard
their story when I was an adult.
455
00:25:52,514 --> 00:25:55,350
I heard my story when I was
four years old, right?
456
00:25:55,433 --> 00:25:57,769
When I heard my story,
there was still some fat fuck
457
00:25:57,852 --> 00:26:00,522
coming down the chimney,
giving me Christmas toys.
458
00:26:00,605 --> 00:26:04,526
If I lost a tooth, there was a fairy.
There was the Easter Bunny.
459
00:26:04,609 --> 00:26:08,280
Why wouldn't there be some bearded baby
moonwalking across the lake?
460
00:26:10,907 --> 00:26:14,411
Throwing out bottomless buckets
of shrimp or whatever He did?
461
00:26:16,246 --> 00:26:17,706
Of course that made sense.
462
00:26:19,165 --> 00:26:23,837
What happened was, as I got older,
all of that stuff started to fall, right?
463
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:28,049
"Ah, son, there is no fat fuck,
it's your mother and I.
464
00:26:28,133 --> 00:26:31,344
Your mom's the Tooth Fairy,
rabbits don't have eggs,
465
00:26:31,428 --> 00:26:35,598
her tits are fake, the NBA is fixed!
Bankers are cunts!
466
00:26:35,682 --> 00:26:38,143
Most of your dreams
won't come true!"
467
00:26:38,226 --> 00:26:39,561
Right?
468
00:26:40,645 --> 00:26:45,025
And I was just like, "Wow,
this is how the world is."
469
00:26:45,108 --> 00:26:47,444
And meanwhile
this shit was just floating,
470
00:26:47,527 --> 00:26:51,239
this 800-pound gorilla
of this fucking story.
471
00:26:51,323 --> 00:26:54,284
I just had to make a decision,
what am I gonna do?
472
00:26:54,367 --> 00:26:57,787
What am I gonna do with this?
Am I gonna cling to it, be that person?
473
00:26:57,871 --> 00:27:02,083
"That's very offensive to me
and other Christians and..."
474
00:27:02,167 --> 00:27:05,211
Become that douche? All right?
475
00:27:05,295 --> 00:27:09,591
And be like the casual Christian, right,
with, like, one foot on base,
476
00:27:09,674 --> 00:27:13,386
just, "Yeah, I kind of go,
a couple of times a year,
477
00:27:13,470 --> 00:27:16,848
and, like, if my parents
come to town,
478
00:27:16,931 --> 00:27:20,310
I act like I go all the time,
and I don't go anymore."
479
00:27:22,228 --> 00:27:25,106
Or my last option,
which was basically just,
480
00:27:25,190 --> 00:27:27,567
just let go of the shit, you know?
481
00:27:27,650 --> 00:27:29,194
Just let go.
482
00:27:29,277 --> 00:27:31,154
[cheers and applause]
483
00:27:31,237 --> 00:27:35,158
Just let go of it like
that creepy moment in curling.
484
00:27:35,241 --> 00:27:36,701
You know.
485
00:27:38,286 --> 00:27:41,539
That moment where the shooter,
or whatever you call them,
486
00:27:41,623 --> 00:27:43,375
is just sliding with
that rock, right?
487
00:27:43,458 --> 00:27:46,336
Just let me do this right,
just sliding.
488
00:27:49,422 --> 00:27:51,525
And you think he's along
for the ride, the two of them,
489
00:27:51,549 --> 00:27:54,844
they're a team, and all of a sudden
out of nowhere he just goes fucking...
490
00:27:59,391 --> 00:28:02,977
That rock just keeps going,
this dude just stops.
491
00:28:05,647 --> 00:28:08,900
That's what I did with my religion.
I just let go of it.
492
00:28:08,983 --> 00:28:13,363
I didn't read a riot act to anybody,
I just let go of it.
493
00:28:13,446 --> 00:28:16,783
"And on the third day, He rose again
in fulfillment of the Scriptures..."
494
00:28:19,744 --> 00:28:22,664
I just floated away.
495
00:28:22,747 --> 00:28:25,959
[cheers and applause]
496
00:28:26,042 --> 00:28:28,962
So now it's like,
I'm in this weird place
497
00:28:29,045 --> 00:28:32,465
where I'm not
in any religion right now.
498
00:28:32,549 --> 00:28:34,884
Unrestricted free agent.
499
00:28:34,968 --> 00:28:36,469
You know?
500
00:28:36,594 --> 00:28:38,430
[cackles]
501
00:28:38,513 --> 00:28:39,740
I'd like to believe in something,
502
00:28:39,764 --> 00:28:42,475
so I've been going around
asking people what their shit is,
503
00:28:42,559 --> 00:28:44,728
and I haven't been
able to find anything.
504
00:28:45,770 --> 00:28:48,356
Trying to be open-minded.
I was doing a gig in Helsinki,
505
00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:52,193
and over there, they're, like, Lutheran,
and what they believe,
506
00:28:52,277 --> 00:28:56,197
they believe when you die,
you're dead and that's it.
507
00:28:56,281 --> 00:29:00,368
Dead, like a pigeon,
just... just layin' there. Over.
508
00:29:01,619 --> 00:29:04,789
Blew my mind, I'm like,
"Really? You're just dead?"
509
00:29:04,873 --> 00:29:09,210
Like my religion was you die, and then
you go up to get judged, right?
510
00:29:09,294 --> 00:29:11,546
God pops in the DVD of your life.
511
00:29:11,629 --> 00:29:14,215
"Well, I don't know
about this right here.
512
00:29:14,299 --> 00:29:15,842
Mind explaining yourself?"
513
00:29:20,346 --> 00:29:22,557
This might be the most
arrogant thing I say all night,
514
00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:26,644
but I actually resent the fact
that I'm gonna get judged someday.
515
00:29:26,728 --> 00:29:29,647
Like, if that's true,
that somebody's gonna judge me,
516
00:29:29,731 --> 00:29:31,000
that doesn't even make any sense.
517
00:29:31,024 --> 00:29:33,735
It's like, Dude, you made me,
so this is your fuck-up.
518
00:29:33,818 --> 00:29:39,949
All right? Let's not try to turn
this around on me. You know?
519
00:29:40,033 --> 00:29:42,744
Jesus Christ.
520
00:29:42,827 --> 00:29:45,538
You give me freedom of choice,
you make whores,
521
00:29:45,622 --> 00:29:46,998
you have me suck at math,
522
00:29:47,081 --> 00:29:49,959
and you don't think this thing's
gonna go off the rails?
523
00:29:51,002 --> 00:29:56,424
Like, you set me up to fail,
and now you got the balls
524
00:29:56,508 --> 00:30:00,553
to now question...
your own goddamn work.
525
00:30:00,637 --> 00:30:04,265
Dude, if I made a car,
if I built a car and it didn't run,
526
00:30:04,349 --> 00:30:05,683
I wouldn't burn it forever.
527
00:30:05,767 --> 00:30:09,687
"You evil piece of shit!"
Just light it on fire.
528
00:30:09,771 --> 00:30:11,481
I wouldn't, I would troubleshoot.
529
00:30:11,564 --> 00:30:14,442
Is there gas in the engine?
Is the battery charged?
530
00:30:14,526 --> 00:30:19,280
"Anything beyond this, I got to get a real
man to look at it, but I believe in you.
531
00:30:19,364 --> 00:30:21,199
I'm gonna try and help you out."
532
00:30:22,700 --> 00:30:27,455
Yes, my religion, it's nuts.
It's fucking nuts.
533
00:30:27,539 --> 00:30:31,709
Like, my religion, like, the way
I was brought up is like, you know,
534
00:30:31,793 --> 00:30:33,586
you can make it to heaven but, like,
535
00:30:33,670 --> 00:30:36,297
some of your family members
possibly couldn't,
536
00:30:36,381 --> 00:30:38,299
or some of your friends.
537
00:30:38,383 --> 00:30:39,801
Doesn't even make sense.
538
00:30:39,884 --> 00:30:44,472
Like how am I supposed to enjoy heaven
if that's the deal, right?
539
00:30:44,556 --> 00:30:46,808
Just sitting here, waiting
for my friends to show up,
540
00:30:46,891 --> 00:30:50,645
"Jesus Christ, where the hell are they?
It's been, like, 150 years!
541
00:30:50,728 --> 00:30:53,481
They must have ate a lot of
Brussels sprouts or some shit!
542
00:30:53,565 --> 00:30:54,899
Doing some yoga, right?"
543
00:30:54,983 --> 00:30:59,362
And then one day, it just settles in
that they didn't make it.
544
00:30:59,445 --> 00:31:01,865
And then what, I'm still
gonna enjoy heaven, right?
545
00:31:01,948 --> 00:31:03,741
Jesus coming walking over:
546
00:31:03,825 --> 00:31:09,372
"Hey, how is it going, everybody?
Isn't this great? Isn't this great?"
547
00:31:09,455 --> 00:31:12,333
"Yeah, Dude, it'd be even better
if all my family members and friends
548
00:31:12,417 --> 00:31:14,836
weren't burning for fucking ever!
549
00:31:14,919 --> 00:31:17,881
Kind of hard to enjoy heaven
when you just keep
550
00:31:17,964 --> 00:31:20,550
thinking of that there, J-star,
what do you think?
551
00:31:21,926 --> 00:31:23,761
Hey, Dude, I didn't
ask you to come over.
552
00:31:23,845 --> 00:31:25,847
You came walking over
with your big, dumb sandals.
553
00:31:25,930 --> 00:31:28,683
'Hey, hey, how is it going over here?'
554
00:31:28,766 --> 00:31:29,851
Why did you come over here?
555
00:31:29,934 --> 00:31:33,521
I don't give a damn.
Dude, tell your dad. I don't give a fuck!
556
00:31:34,772 --> 00:31:36,774
I'm already in here,
I'm already in here.
557
00:31:36,858 --> 00:31:39,360
What, are you gonna
kick me out afterwards?
558
00:31:39,444 --> 00:31:42,530
Go fuck yourself. I knew He was
gonna be like that, I knew it.
559
00:31:42,614 --> 00:31:45,158
The boss's son is the worst.
560
00:31:47,744 --> 00:31:49,621
Fucking sense of entitlement."
561
00:31:51,122 --> 00:31:53,791
So yeah, so they believe
when you die, you're dead.
562
00:31:53,875 --> 00:31:55,668
And I was like, so you're just dead.
563
00:31:55,752 --> 00:31:58,546
Like, how do you wrap
your head around not existing?
564
00:31:58,630 --> 00:31:59,940
I couldn't get my head around it.
565
00:31:59,964 --> 00:32:04,636
He goes, "Well, like before, when you
were born, do you remember that?"
566
00:32:04,719 --> 00:32:08,431
And I was like, "No," and the guy's like,
"Yeah, it's just like that."
567
00:32:11,851 --> 00:32:16,481
I'm like, not only does that make sense,
that is absolutely terrifying.
568
00:32:18,816 --> 00:32:22,028
Dude, I got to be honest, I hate
how scared I'm getting as I get older.
569
00:32:22,111 --> 00:32:24,872
I'm developing all these new fears.
Like, I have a fear of flying now.
570
00:32:24,906 --> 00:32:28,576
I never had a fear of it. It's not
straight-across-the-board flying.
571
00:32:28,660 --> 00:32:30,995
I don't like small planes
all of a sudden.
572
00:32:31,079 --> 00:32:33,599
I just don't like them, and it has
nothing to do with the plane.
573
00:32:33,665 --> 00:32:39,170
I believe in the planes, okay?
I just don't believe in the pilots.
574
00:32:39,253 --> 00:32:42,548
'Cause you know what?
I don't think the airline does, either.
575
00:32:42,632 --> 00:32:46,719
Which is why that dude is flying
that little plane.
576
00:32:46,803 --> 00:32:48,554
The airline was basically, like,
577
00:32:48,638 --> 00:32:53,601
"All right, we'll give you,
like, 28 people.
578
00:32:53,685 --> 00:32:55,728
See how you do, you know?
579
00:32:55,812 --> 00:33:00,566
You fly them up, you land,
you bring another 28 back.
580
00:33:00,650 --> 00:33:01,835
We'll let you do this for a while.
581
00:33:01,859 --> 00:33:05,238
You do this for a while,
we don't get any complaints,
582
00:33:05,321 --> 00:33:07,782
no up and down, up and down,
583
00:33:07,865 --> 00:33:11,869
none of that shit,
we'll move you up to 35 people.
584
00:33:11,953 --> 00:33:13,788
And then one day,
you'll be in a jet..."
585
00:33:13,871 --> 00:33:16,249
Whoo! We're going
a little faster. Right?
586
00:33:17,375 --> 00:33:20,215
Big planes, you're getting the fuckin'
pilot that knows what he's doing.
587
00:33:20,253 --> 00:33:22,564
He's probably fought in a war.
He's used to getting shot at.
588
00:33:22,588 --> 00:33:25,758
He can't bring this bus in?
It's a joke. Right?
589
00:33:26,884 --> 00:33:29,679
A bunch of people whining in the back,
"My headphones don't work!"
590
00:33:29,762 --> 00:33:32,765
He doesn't give a fuck, right?
He's up there sleeping.
591
00:33:32,849 --> 00:33:35,476
He's trying to make something happen,
he's so goddamn bored.
592
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:37,562
That's a stud up there, right?
593
00:33:37,645 --> 00:33:40,189
So one time I'm flying
into Albany, New York, okay,
594
00:33:40,273 --> 00:33:42,150
a city that nobody really goes to.
595
00:33:42,233 --> 00:33:44,777
So I'm on a smaller plane,
and everything is going great.
596
00:33:44,861 --> 00:33:47,363
All of a sudden, out of nowhere,
we hit this turbulence.
597
00:33:47,447 --> 00:33:50,366
[imitating sounds of turbulence]
598
00:33:50,450 --> 00:33:53,953
And it stops, and everybody
looks around laughing nervously, like...
599
00:33:54,037 --> 00:33:57,248
[nervous laughter]
600
00:33:59,876 --> 00:34:01,836
All of a sudden, it comes back
with a vengeance.
601
00:34:03,254 --> 00:34:05,715
You can literally hear
the metal the plane's made of, like...
602
00:34:07,383 --> 00:34:11,971
All of a sudden, this dude three rows back
starts making these bitchy noises.
603
00:34:12,055 --> 00:34:16,434
"Whoa! Whaaa! Whoa!
Whaaaa! Whoa!"
604
00:34:17,769 --> 00:34:23,983
I'm not gonna lie, I have never been
so fucking scared in my entire life.
605
00:34:24,067 --> 00:34:29,030
Dude, that noise is acceptable
out of a female or a child.
606
00:34:30,448 --> 00:34:34,744
But turn around and see a 37-year-old
mustachioed male going...
607
00:34:34,827 --> 00:34:36,954
"Whoo! Whaaa! Whoa!"
608
00:34:37,038 --> 00:34:40,208
Dude, the hair was
standing up on my arms.
609
00:34:40,291 --> 00:34:44,754
I'm praying to a higher power,
I don't even believe in the shit!
610
00:34:44,837 --> 00:34:46,774
I just wish I had the balls
to turn around and be like,
611
00:34:46,798 --> 00:34:49,050
"Dude, would you
shut the fuck up?
612
00:34:49,133 --> 00:34:51,844
Jesus Christ,
be a man, push it down.
613
00:34:51,928 --> 00:34:54,931
Push it down, deny your feelings,
act like you have answers.
614
00:34:55,014 --> 00:34:58,643
Do some man shit right now.
Do some man shit."
615
00:34:59,977 --> 00:35:03,564
Jesus Christ. You know?
616
00:35:03,648 --> 00:35:06,067
"You think I'm not up here thinking...
'Whaaa! Whoa!'
617
00:35:06,150 --> 00:35:08,236
I am!
618
00:35:08,319 --> 00:35:10,738
But how does that help us
for me to join you
619
00:35:10,822 --> 00:35:13,991
and turn this fuselage
into a haunted house?"
620
00:35:16,285 --> 00:35:18,138
You know what kills me,
what absolutely kills me,
621
00:35:18,162 --> 00:35:20,915
is some woman is gonna
fall in love with this guy,
622
00:35:20,998 --> 00:35:23,751
marry him and make half...
whooo... whaaaa...
623
00:35:23,835 --> 00:35:25,795
fucking kids.
624
00:35:25,878 --> 00:35:29,215
And you know what?
We become weaker as a species.
625
00:35:30,424 --> 00:35:31,926
We do.
626
00:35:32,009 --> 00:35:34,762
[cheers and applause]
627
00:35:34,846 --> 00:35:37,390
Do you remember back in the day
628
00:35:37,473 --> 00:35:39,684
when you watched
the Discovery Channel about animals?
629
00:35:39,767 --> 00:35:44,021
Now they build cars,
but it used to be about animals, right?
630
00:35:44,105 --> 00:35:46,190
Now it's all car stuff.
631
00:35:47,316 --> 00:35:49,086
"Looking forward to getting
that carburetor today.
632
00:35:49,110 --> 00:35:50,611
The carburetor didn't fit."
633
00:35:50,695 --> 00:35:53,906
"What do you mean the carburetor
doesn't fit? Dad's gonna be mad."
634
00:35:53,990 --> 00:35:58,911
[yelling gibberish]
635
00:35:58,995 --> 00:36:02,874
There's never enough time to build
the car. It's so fucking stupid.
636
00:36:02,957 --> 00:36:06,210
"We got to have this bus
done by Thursday!"
637
00:36:07,461 --> 00:36:11,924
Or else what? The guy doesn't
want it anymore? All right.
638
00:36:12,008 --> 00:36:14,427
"You'll get the thing
when we finish it, okay?
639
00:36:14,510 --> 00:36:17,847
This is a safety issue.
You want brakes on it?
640
00:36:17,930 --> 00:36:20,224
Then go get yourself
some fucking lunch."
641
00:36:21,726 --> 00:36:24,729
So, before...
642
00:36:24,812 --> 00:36:26,856
[laughter]
643
00:36:26,939 --> 00:36:30,693
before there used
to just be animals,
644
00:36:30,776 --> 00:36:32,111
and this is what I noticed:
645
00:36:32,195 --> 00:36:35,323
Everything from a lion all the way
down to an insect, okay?
646
00:36:35,406 --> 00:36:38,659
If you had one drop of...
whoo... whaaa...
647
00:36:38,743 --> 00:36:41,454
bitchy blood in you, none of
the females would fuck you.
648
00:36:41,537 --> 00:36:45,333
That was it, your life was over.
Your life was over.
649
00:36:45,416 --> 00:36:50,838
No ant pussy for you your entire
miserable eight-day ant life,
650
00:36:50,922 --> 00:36:53,007
'cause all six of your legs shook
when the wind blew,
651
00:36:53,090 --> 00:36:54,675
and the female ant saw it.
652
00:36:54,759 --> 00:36:56,320
They're like, "All right,
stay away from that one.
653
00:36:56,344 --> 00:37:00,514
Stay away from that one.
He's gonna jeopardize the whole hill.
654
00:37:00,598 --> 00:37:02,266
And, Stacy, listen to me."
655
00:37:09,023 --> 00:37:12,568
Human beings have empathy.
Some woman will fall in love.
656
00:37:12,652 --> 00:37:14,195
"Well, he's nice.
657
00:37:14,278 --> 00:37:15,947
He wears a sweater.
658
00:37:16,030 --> 00:37:19,283
He likes to bake, you know?
659
00:37:20,368 --> 00:37:23,204
He lets me finish my stories."
660
00:37:24,455 --> 00:37:29,001
Which is all great qualities,
okay, but you got to know,
661
00:37:29,085 --> 00:37:33,047
when you shack up with a guy
like that, you're rolling the dice.
662
00:37:33,130 --> 00:37:36,801
You're rolling the dice that
that fucking axe murderer
663
00:37:36,884 --> 00:37:38,886
is gonna pick the next house over,
664
00:37:38,970 --> 00:37:42,056
'cause God forbid he picks
your goddamn house,
665
00:37:42,139 --> 00:37:45,226
this is the dude who has your back,
666
00:37:45,309 --> 00:37:49,105
who's gonna be screaming louder
and higher than you
667
00:37:49,188 --> 00:37:52,191
when this guy comes
through the fucking door.
668
00:37:52,275 --> 00:37:53,651
And you're gonna turn around.
669
00:37:53,734 --> 00:37:56,904
All you're gonna see is his cowardly feet
going out the kitchen window.
670
00:37:59,198 --> 00:38:01,242
I don't know, man, that's risky.
671
00:38:04,829 --> 00:38:07,832
You know, in reality, I'm being
too hard on that guy.
672
00:38:08,874 --> 00:38:12,086
Yeah, I am. I am, 'cause
I was just as scared as he was.
673
00:38:12,169 --> 00:38:17,008
Except I didn't scream out
like he did, and that's simple.
674
00:38:17,091 --> 00:38:21,345
The simple reason was this dude,
he was hugged too much as a child.
675
00:38:21,429 --> 00:38:23,549
Having people going,
"How was your day? What's wrong?"
676
00:38:23,597 --> 00:38:25,766
And all of that shit, you know?
677
00:38:25,850 --> 00:38:27,518
That's why I came down here.
678
00:38:27,601 --> 00:38:31,939
I came out here to tell you guys,
you got to stop hugging your children.
679
00:38:32,023 --> 00:38:35,526
You are ruining this country.
680
00:38:35,609 --> 00:38:38,863
Now you can hug your daughters,
you got to do that, you got to do that.
681
00:38:38,946 --> 00:38:41,866
Hug those hooker shoes
right out of them,
682
00:38:41,949 --> 00:38:45,786
let them know that you're a good man,
and to find another man like you.
683
00:38:45,870 --> 00:38:47,079
You got to do that.
684
00:38:47,163 --> 00:38:50,124
But your son,
you can hug them a little bit,
685
00:38:50,207 --> 00:38:53,336
but every three, four, you got to
fucking knock 'em down, right?
686
00:38:53,419 --> 00:38:56,005
"Come on, it didn't hurt, get up!"
687
00:39:00,843 --> 00:39:03,637
I didn't come from a family,
I don't know about you guys,
688
00:39:03,721 --> 00:39:06,015
I didn't come from a touchy-feely...
689
00:39:06,098 --> 00:39:08,017
"Call me when you get there.
Mwah, mwah."
690
00:39:08,100 --> 00:39:10,019
None of that shit.
691
00:39:10,102 --> 00:39:12,980
First time my mom hugged me,
I think, was like,
692
00:39:13,064 --> 00:39:16,817
once when I was little, and when
I moved out. That was it!
693
00:39:16,901 --> 00:39:20,237
And we only hugged 'cause
we knew we were supposed to.
694
00:39:20,321 --> 00:39:23,157
So we just tried to, like,
it was like two parking meters
695
00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:27,078
came to life, like,
we almost bumped heads.
696
00:39:27,161 --> 00:39:30,498
It was horrific.
697
00:39:30,581 --> 00:39:31,832
Fucking horrific.
698
00:39:31,916 --> 00:39:35,169
To this day, sometimes I drive down
the street, and I think about that hug,
699
00:39:35,252 --> 00:39:39,840
and it's just so awful I have to like
shout the memory out of my head.
700
00:39:39,924 --> 00:39:41,693
I'll just be driving
down the street, just be like...
701
00:39:41,717 --> 00:39:43,386
Aaaaah!
702
00:39:47,681 --> 00:39:49,934
Anybody else like that?
703
00:39:50,017 --> 00:39:52,603
You ever have to
shout stuff out of your head?
704
00:39:52,686 --> 00:39:54,522
There's something about me, like,
705
00:39:54,605 --> 00:39:57,650
all my regret comes up
when I'm in the shower.
706
00:39:57,733 --> 00:39:59,151
I don't know what it is.
707
00:39:59,235 --> 00:40:02,196
I think 'cause I'm in the shower,
and I have time to think,
708
00:40:02,279 --> 00:40:04,865
and I'll just think of shit
I did in third grade
709
00:40:04,949 --> 00:40:06,617
where I just made
an ass of myself,
710
00:40:06,700 --> 00:40:08,136
and I'll just be
in the shower just being like...
711
00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:11,163
[screaming]
712
00:40:11,247 --> 00:40:15,292
And my wife's always just like,
"Is everything okay in there?"
713
00:40:15,376 --> 00:40:18,921
I'll just be like, "Yeah, yeah, just
accidentally turned on the hot water.
714
00:40:19,004 --> 00:40:21,173
Turned it on too much."
715
00:40:21,257 --> 00:40:23,259
"Every day?"
716
00:40:28,472 --> 00:40:30,057
So...
717
00:40:31,183 --> 00:40:33,227
Yeah...
718
00:40:33,310 --> 00:40:36,123
I actually asked my mother one time
when I finally got out in the world,
719
00:40:36,147 --> 00:40:37,707
and I saw how
other families interacted,
720
00:40:37,773 --> 00:40:41,277
I finally asked her, "How come
we never did the hugging thing?
721
00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:42,629
How come we didn't
do that stuff?"
722
00:40:42,653 --> 00:40:44,631
She was like, "I wanted to hug
you kids when you were little,
723
00:40:44,655 --> 00:40:47,032
but I was afraid
it was gonna make you gay."
724
00:40:50,995 --> 00:40:52,621
And I was like, "You were afraid?"
725
00:40:52,705 --> 00:40:55,374
And she goes, "Well, it was your father.
That's what it was.
726
00:40:55,458 --> 00:40:58,002
Protecting him like I always do.
He was afraid.
727
00:40:58,085 --> 00:41:00,087
He said, you don't know
how to raise boys
728
00:41:00,171 --> 00:41:02,089
and if you hug them,
that's what's gonna happen.
729
00:41:02,173 --> 00:41:06,343
So in a marriage,
there's compromises."
730
00:41:08,220 --> 00:41:10,222
Yeah, so she basically
never hugged us,
731
00:41:10,306 --> 00:41:13,726
'cause my dad said if she did,
it was gonna make us gay.
732
00:41:15,311 --> 00:41:20,733
And I got to tell you, that was
a great thing that my dad did for me.
733
00:41:20,816 --> 00:41:24,195
Let me finish before
you start blogging, okay?
734
00:41:25,696 --> 00:41:29,408
And I end up on a split screen
on Good Morning Atlanta.
735
00:41:29,492 --> 00:41:31,452
"Comedy, could it go too far?
736
00:41:31,535 --> 00:41:34,330
Last night at the Tabernacle..."
737
00:41:36,207 --> 00:41:40,211
Sitting there next to some
fucking Cheeto-eating blogger.
738
00:41:43,464 --> 00:41:45,758
So, yeah, this is the deal.
739
00:41:45,841 --> 00:41:48,320
I'm gonna defend my dad here because
this is basically what happens
740
00:41:48,344 --> 00:41:49,428
when you have a kid.
741
00:41:49,512 --> 00:41:51,222
As far as I know.
I don't have any kids.
742
00:41:51,305 --> 00:41:53,492
As far as I'd think, if you have
a kid, what do you want to do?
743
00:41:53,516 --> 00:41:55,518
You want to improve
on your childhood, okay?
744
00:41:55,601 --> 00:41:58,354
You want to keep the shit
that your parents did that worked,
745
00:41:58,437 --> 00:42:00,415
and then you want to get rid
of the stuff that didn't work.
746
00:42:00,439 --> 00:42:03,234
So that was my dad, as fucked up
as that was, that was his improvement
747
00:42:03,317 --> 00:42:05,569
on his childhood
that he never talks about,
748
00:42:05,653 --> 00:42:08,531
the way a veteran
doesn't talk about going to war.
749
00:42:08,614 --> 00:42:12,785
So I figure if that was his
improvement on his childhood,
750
00:42:12,868 --> 00:42:14,788
his childhood just must
have been something like,
751
00:42:14,870 --> 00:42:16,580
"Don't change
his shitty diaper.
752
00:42:16,664 --> 00:42:18,332
Let him figure it out
for himself.
753
00:42:18,415 --> 00:42:20,543
Get out in the rain,
you shitty baby!
754
00:42:20,626 --> 00:42:22,419
Hey, let me handle this, lady!
755
00:42:22,503 --> 00:42:26,549
Why are you still standing here,
you shit toddler?"
756
00:42:27,633 --> 00:42:30,469
So he took it from that...
757
00:42:32,096 --> 00:42:35,683
and knocked it down to, "Don't hug him,
it's gonna make him gay."
758
00:42:35,766 --> 00:42:37,351
Right?
759
00:42:38,352 --> 00:42:39,788
And then maybe someday
I ever have a kid,
760
00:42:39,812 --> 00:42:44,024
I'll whittle it down to like,
"He's not taking drama class, all right?
761
00:42:44,108 --> 00:42:47,361
He's not taking drama class
'cause I said so, lady!
762
00:42:47,444 --> 00:42:48,779
Let me handle this!"
763
00:42:50,614 --> 00:42:52,408
I won't fix everything.
764
00:42:54,076 --> 00:42:56,370
And that's not
a homophobic thing either,
765
00:42:56,453 --> 00:43:00,457
that I wouldn't send my hypothetical son
to drama class. Okay?
766
00:43:02,293 --> 00:43:04,295
It isn't.
I would send...
767
00:43:04,378 --> 00:43:08,924
I'd let my hypothetical daughter
take a drama class. Okay.
768
00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:12,386
My son can't fucking do
any of that shit
769
00:43:12,469 --> 00:43:15,723
unless I'm sending him to one
of those Fame high schools
770
00:43:15,806 --> 00:43:18,934
where everybody's doing it,
one of those creative schools.
771
00:43:19,018 --> 00:43:20,453
You go to the cafeteria,
everybody's like,
772
00:43:20,477 --> 00:43:23,230
♪ Cottage cheese,
what is it made of? ♪
773
00:43:23,314 --> 00:43:25,774
Then he can do all he wants.
774
00:43:25,858 --> 00:43:28,736
Then he can do all the fuck he wants,
but there's no way
775
00:43:28,819 --> 00:43:33,324
I'm letting him do that at a public school
with those goddamn animals!
776
00:43:33,407 --> 00:43:35,451
He's gonna get
the shit kicked out of him!
777
00:43:35,534 --> 00:43:37,745
He's gonna come home
with his underwear up his ass,
778
00:43:37,828 --> 00:43:40,623
and then I have to be the adult
and go down to the principal
779
00:43:40,706 --> 00:43:43,386
and be like, "There's some sort of
tomfoolery going on around here!"
780
00:43:43,417 --> 00:43:44,627
I don't want to do that.
781
00:43:44,710 --> 00:43:47,755
I want to find the fucking eight-year-old.
What is he, this tall?
782
00:43:47,838 --> 00:43:49,632
I want to find the kid
that did it to my kid,
783
00:43:49,715 --> 00:43:52,426
tip him upside down
into some sand or a puddle,
784
00:43:52,509 --> 00:43:54,928
anywhere where oxygen
is going to be an issue, right,
785
00:43:55,012 --> 00:43:57,264
and just leave him there.
786
00:43:57,348 --> 00:44:00,768
You wait for that one leg to start shaking
so you know he's down to his last breath,
787
00:44:00,851 --> 00:44:03,812
and then you turn him upside-right,
and you grab him by his throat,
788
00:44:03,896 --> 00:44:05,439
you say something horrific.
789
00:44:05,522 --> 00:44:07,709
"You ever do that again, I'm gonna
beat your mother to death
790
00:44:07,733 --> 00:44:10,694
with the family dog." All right?
791
00:44:10,778 --> 00:44:13,280
[applause]
792
00:44:13,364 --> 00:44:14,573
Over.
793
00:44:18,702 --> 00:44:24,833
So yeah, a lot in my life has changed
since I last came through here to Atlanta.
794
00:44:28,587 --> 00:44:30,798
I got married.
That's the big thing.
795
00:44:30,881 --> 00:44:32,424
Yes, I did.
796
00:44:32,508 --> 00:44:35,469
Very happy about that.
797
00:44:35,552 --> 00:44:39,848
I'm very happy
because it was starting to get weird.
798
00:44:39,932 --> 00:44:41,558
It's like 45 years old.
799
00:44:41,642 --> 00:44:44,770
"My girlfriend, yeah, we're gonna
go out and get some pop."
800
00:44:46,772 --> 00:44:48,482
Going to parties, it was just weird.
801
00:44:48,565 --> 00:44:50,567
'Cause I hang out with people my age,
802
00:44:50,651 --> 00:44:52,903
and they all got married,
they all had kids.
803
00:44:52,986 --> 00:44:55,823
I just couldn't contribute when people
were standing around
804
00:44:55,906 --> 00:44:59,368
talking about marriage...
marriages and kids.
805
00:44:59,451 --> 00:45:01,346
I felt like a little kid,
just sitting there going like,
806
00:45:01,370 --> 00:45:03,330
"The superintendent
of the mayoral candidate
807
00:45:03,414 --> 00:45:05,749
will be bicoastal, bipartisan,
808
00:45:05,833 --> 00:45:08,043
with the Middle Eastern
crisis, it's just..."
809
00:45:08,127 --> 00:45:11,672
"It's an advanced learning program.
The deadline is May 11th.
810
00:45:11,755 --> 00:45:13,465
We have to stop the bullying..."
811
00:45:13,549 --> 00:45:16,468
"with the superintendent
of the mayoral candidate."
812
00:45:18,262 --> 00:45:20,347
When the conversation
would come around to me,
813
00:45:20,431 --> 00:45:21,932
I felt like I was eight years old.
814
00:45:22,015 --> 00:45:27,354
I'd just be like,
"Did anybody see the YouTube video
815
00:45:27,438 --> 00:45:30,566
where the raccoon
stole the cat's food,
816
00:45:30,649 --> 00:45:33,735
and the cat was scratching him
and the raccoon didn't care?
817
00:45:33,819 --> 00:45:36,613
He just came in like this,
like George Foreman,
818
00:45:36,697 --> 00:45:38,532
and then he reached out,
he had hands.
819
00:45:38,615 --> 00:45:40,885
All of a sudden, he had hands.
I didn't know they had hands.
820
00:45:40,909 --> 00:45:44,580
He scooped it up
and he ran away on paws.
821
00:45:45,831 --> 00:45:48,083
Did you guys know
they had hands?"
822
00:45:52,796 --> 00:45:55,924
So now I'm married, so the next move
is you're supposed to have a kid,
823
00:45:56,008 --> 00:45:59,636
which I would love to do,
but I'm 46 years old.
824
00:45:59,720 --> 00:46:01,847
I'm just thinking
it's too fucking late, ya know.
825
00:46:03,307 --> 00:46:05,142
Come on, man,
I'm gonna have a kid,
826
00:46:05,225 --> 00:46:08,854
I'm gonna die of natural
causes when the kid's in fifth grade.
827
00:46:08,937 --> 00:46:12,441
Throwing him a Frisbee.
"We used to use these on a Saturday."
828
00:46:12,524 --> 00:46:14,401
Do a face plant.
829
00:46:14,485 --> 00:46:17,863
My kid's standing there,
"Mom, Dad's sleeping again!"
830
00:46:20,657 --> 00:46:22,784
I feel hopelessly behind.
831
00:46:22,868 --> 00:46:24,286
All my friends have kids.
832
00:46:24,369 --> 00:46:26,455
Most of my friends
who have kids are cool,
833
00:46:26,538 --> 00:46:29,041
but I got a couple of those
who think now that they have a kid,
834
00:46:29,124 --> 00:46:31,293
that I don't understand
anything anymore.
835
00:46:31,376 --> 00:46:33,962
You know those people?
The most basic shit.
836
00:46:34,046 --> 00:46:35,398
"Hey, man, it's
kind of cold out today."
837
00:46:35,422 --> 00:46:36,882
"Dude, you don't understand.
838
00:46:36,965 --> 00:46:39,027
You don't understand cold
till you got a two-year-old
839
00:46:39,051 --> 00:46:40,971
with a mitten up his ass
and you're trying to get
840
00:46:41,011 --> 00:46:42,596
chocolate off
the other one's face."
841
00:46:42,679 --> 00:46:45,116
"All right, all right, I get it,
you have a more complex life,
842
00:46:45,140 --> 00:46:49,061
but I still understand
being cold, teeth chattering.
843
00:46:49,144 --> 00:46:51,021
Kind of lets me know. Right?"
844
00:46:53,065 --> 00:46:54,985
"Mine just turned six."
"Mine just turned seven."
845
00:46:55,067 --> 00:46:57,819
I just feel hopelessly behind.
846
00:46:57,903 --> 00:47:01,782
So what I'm actually thinking of doing,
I'm thinking about adopting.
847
00:47:01,865 --> 00:47:02,991
Yeah.
848
00:47:03,075 --> 00:47:05,744
Absolutely, recycle. You know?
849
00:47:07,412 --> 00:47:09,665
Think globally, act locally.
850
00:47:09,748 --> 00:47:11,959
Everything doesn't
have to be brand-new.
851
00:47:12,042 --> 00:47:13,043
You know?
852
00:47:14,002 --> 00:47:15,629
It's like when you redo your kitchen.
853
00:47:15,712 --> 00:47:19,675
You got custom up top,
you got IKEA down the bottom, right?
854
00:47:23,762 --> 00:47:25,514
I'd love to adopt.
It's a great thing to do.
855
00:47:25,597 --> 00:47:28,350
But if I do it, I'm not telling
any of my friends.
856
00:47:28,433 --> 00:47:33,689
I'm just gonna show up with the kid
one day, just to piss 'em off.
857
00:47:33,772 --> 00:47:35,625
"Mine just turned six."
"Mine just turned seven."
858
00:47:35,649 --> 00:47:38,443
I'd love to just show up
with an eight-year-old, like, "Dominoes!
859
00:47:39,695 --> 00:47:43,323
Yeah, now I get to tell you
what you don't understand.
860
00:47:43,407 --> 00:47:44,700
Seven-year-old?
861
00:47:44,783 --> 00:47:48,662
Wait till they turn eight,
eight is such a funny age.
862
00:47:48,745 --> 00:47:50,747
Terrible twos?
Try the instant eights!
863
00:47:50,831 --> 00:47:52,958
Bam! They're just there, like...!
864
00:47:53,041 --> 00:47:55,210
With all their issues...!"
865
00:47:57,004 --> 00:47:58,547
I should do it, though.
I should adopt.
866
00:47:58,630 --> 00:48:02,467
I think it's a great thing to do,
and I already know what I want to get.
867
00:48:04,136 --> 00:48:05,846
I do.
868
00:48:05,929 --> 00:48:08,932
I want to get, like, an '07, '08...
869
00:48:11,101 --> 00:48:14,688
always garaged, good dentition.
870
00:48:17,024 --> 00:48:18,734
Do you know
what I would love to do?
871
00:48:18,817 --> 00:48:21,945
I'd love to rescue some kid
that works in a sweatshop.
872
00:48:22,029 --> 00:48:25,449
Wouldn't that be amazing?
Like, find the kid that made this shirt?
873
00:48:27,117 --> 00:48:29,828
Just show up at the factory like, hey!
874
00:48:31,163 --> 00:48:33,915
"Come on, bring it in!
Bring it in, you little maniac!
875
00:48:33,999 --> 00:48:36,585
How you doing?
You're going back to the States.
876
00:48:36,668 --> 00:48:38,587
L-shaped couch, flat screen TV.
877
00:48:38,670 --> 00:48:41,757
Get in the car, the rest
of you keep sewing, but you,
878
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:43,842
you're coming home with me!"
879
00:48:45,761 --> 00:48:50,515
Yeah. Dude, how easy...
how easy would that kid be to raise?
880
00:48:51,933 --> 00:48:55,604
After the hell he's been through,
all I gotta do is let him sit down.
881
00:48:55,687 --> 00:49:00,400
I am immediately the greatest
human being this kid has ever met.
882
00:49:00,484 --> 00:49:01,943
Just bring him home. "Have a seat."
883
00:49:02,027 --> 00:49:04,029
He'll be like, "I get to sit down?"
884
00:49:04,112 --> 00:49:05,822
"Yeah, lay down on the couch."
885
00:49:05,906 --> 00:49:09,117
He'll be like, "It's like a cloud!
It's like a cloud!"
886
00:49:10,744 --> 00:49:14,498
I'll get him a bowl of Fritos,
put on cricket or soccer,
887
00:49:14,581 --> 00:49:15,999
one of those sweatshop sports.
888
00:49:16,083 --> 00:49:18,794
I don't know.
The kid would love me.
889
00:49:21,046 --> 00:49:24,049
So that's my first draft pick.
All right?
890
00:49:24,132 --> 00:49:26,885
Coming out of the gate with that.
891
00:49:26,968 --> 00:49:33,600
In the second round, I'd probably
get like an '05 boy soldier, ya know.
892
00:49:33,684 --> 00:49:37,229
Yeah, shore up the offensive line.
You gotta protect the blindside.
893
00:49:39,731 --> 00:49:42,960
That's how fucked up the world is, there's
little boys out there fighting in wars.
894
00:49:42,984 --> 00:49:45,821
So that's a twofer.
I can drag him out of that hell,
895
00:49:45,904 --> 00:49:48,073
give him something
of what's left of his childhood,
896
00:49:48,156 --> 00:49:52,994
and, God forbid,
if the dollar ever collapses, right?
897
00:49:53,078 --> 00:49:56,873
Shit goes south,
zombies take over, I got backup.
898
00:49:59,334 --> 00:50:01,211
Everybody thinks
I'm gonna be the problem,
899
00:50:01,294 --> 00:50:04,965
meanwhile, I got this
sawed-off Chuck Norris...
900
00:50:06,091 --> 00:50:08,802
standing next to me,
170 kills,
901
00:50:08,885 --> 00:50:11,513
confirmed fucking kills.
902
00:50:11,596 --> 00:50:13,390
They're not stories!
903
00:50:13,473 --> 00:50:17,602
Can make a flamethrower out of
a vacuum cleaner and a toaster.
904
00:50:20,105 --> 00:50:22,065
You can't coach that, right?
905
00:50:24,151 --> 00:50:28,029
I got to be honest with you, I feel like
I'd have to go easier on the discipline
906
00:50:28,113 --> 00:50:29,948
with the boy solider.
907
00:50:31,491 --> 00:50:34,035
I might be nuts, but I feel like
I could come down
908
00:50:34,119 --> 00:50:37,289
on the sweatshop kid, right?
909
00:50:38,623 --> 00:50:40,663
"I said get in there
and clean up your goddamn room.
910
00:50:40,709 --> 00:50:42,085
I'm getting sick of this shit!
911
00:50:42,169 --> 00:50:45,088
Goes for you too
if you want. But you!
912
00:50:45,172 --> 00:50:49,134
You've been out of line all day, mister!
Don't even start that shit!
913
00:50:49,217 --> 00:50:50,594
Don't even start that shit.
914
00:50:50,677 --> 00:50:52,971
You say that every time.
Yes, you do.
915
00:50:54,181 --> 00:50:57,184
Every fucking time you say that.
You know the answer.
916
00:50:57,267 --> 00:50:59,728
You want me to say it again?
I'll break it down to you.
917
00:50:59,811 --> 00:51:02,314
You know why it is?
You want to know why?
918
00:51:02,397 --> 00:51:07,235
'Cause you sew.
All right? Yeah. You sew.
919
00:51:07,319 --> 00:51:11,740
Dude, he's fucking killed people.
Do you understand that?
920
00:51:11,823 --> 00:51:15,035
No, he doesn't, he doesn't have
to make his bed too. No, he doesn't.
921
00:51:15,118 --> 00:51:16,787
Because he doesn't
sleep in the bed,
922
00:51:16,870 --> 00:51:18,955
he's out in the bushes all night,
talking to himself,
923
00:51:19,039 --> 00:51:21,708
freaking me
the fuck out, all right?
924
00:51:21,792 --> 00:51:24,586
Oh, fuck you, fuck you!
He scares me too, he scares me too.
925
00:51:24,669 --> 00:51:25,962
Don't even start that shit.
926
00:51:26,046 --> 00:51:27,964
You wanted a big brother,
and I got you one.
927
00:51:28,048 --> 00:51:30,383
Don't even start that shit, all right?
928
00:51:32,886 --> 00:51:36,598
All right, you're right.
Stop crying, stop crying.
929
00:51:36,681 --> 00:51:38,975
Shouldn't have yelled at you.
930
00:51:39,059 --> 00:51:41,603
I just thought I could
fucking bring him in,
931
00:51:41,686 --> 00:51:45,315
give him a couple of Pop Tarts,
I figured he'd chill out.
932
00:51:45,398 --> 00:51:47,168
Fucking sitting there
looking through his eyebrows,
933
00:51:47,192 --> 00:51:49,236
doing that Full Metal Jacket shit.
934
00:51:50,862 --> 00:51:53,323
No, you can't give him back,
it doesn't work that way.
935
00:51:53,406 --> 00:51:56,076
There he is, there he is!
What's up, buddy?
936
00:51:56,159 --> 00:51:58,203
What's going on?
937
00:51:58,286 --> 00:52:02,707
We were just talking about you,
just doing, like, a little surprise thing.
938
00:52:02,791 --> 00:52:04,352
You feeling all right?
You feeling all right?
939
00:52:04,376 --> 00:52:07,379
You're not looking through those
eyebrows, huh? Everything okay?"
940
00:52:08,964 --> 00:52:12,092
So I figure, uh...
941
00:52:13,343 --> 00:52:15,762
I don't know if I'll do it.
Maybe I'm too selfish.
942
00:52:17,264 --> 00:52:19,599
I have no idea. I'm all over
the fuckin' map.
943
00:52:19,683 --> 00:52:21,202
Do you know
what I want to do right now?
944
00:52:21,226 --> 00:52:23,346
I actually want to learn
how to fly a helicopter, man.
945
00:52:24,312 --> 00:52:27,190
I do, that's my latest thing.
You know why it is?
946
00:52:27,274 --> 00:52:29,943
It's 'cause I live in Los Angeles.
947
00:52:30,026 --> 00:52:31,987
Yeah, and it's
an absolute clusterfuck.
948
00:52:32,070 --> 00:52:35,073
When you go into land in that city,
just look out the window,
949
00:52:35,156 --> 00:52:37,909
and just look at the complete
lack of planning.
950
00:52:37,993 --> 00:52:39,095
There's not even zoning laws.
951
00:52:39,119 --> 00:52:43,665
They'll build, like, a skyscraper
next to a house, next to a gun range,
952
00:52:43,748 --> 00:52:46,001
and then there's, like,
a fucking daycare center.
953
00:52:46,084 --> 00:52:47,294
Right?
954
00:52:50,005 --> 00:52:53,258
The city doesn't even work
even when everything else works,
955
00:52:53,341 --> 00:52:58,179
so God forbid, the dollar collapses
or some crazy shit happens,
956
00:52:58,263 --> 00:53:00,056
where you gonna go
in a city like that?
957
00:53:00,140 --> 00:53:02,684
See, you guys are
all right out here in Atlanta.
958
00:53:02,767 --> 00:53:05,353
You're all right. I don't know,
maybe in Atlanta might be crazy.
959
00:53:05,437 --> 00:53:07,772
You're on the outskirts,
you're fine. You're fine.
960
00:53:07,856 --> 00:53:09,024
You don't live in a desert.
961
00:53:09,107 --> 00:53:12,694
You slam your face
in a birdbath, you're cool.
962
00:53:12,777 --> 00:53:15,071
Drink that water
for a good 30 days.
963
00:53:16,281 --> 00:53:18,366
L.A., there's nowhere to go.
964
00:53:18,450 --> 00:53:20,493
That's why I love the helicopter.
965
00:53:20,577 --> 00:53:26,082
Dude, the helicopter is
the ultimate "fuck this, I'm out" vehicle.
966
00:53:26,166 --> 00:53:29,252
All you gotta do
is assess the situation.
967
00:53:29,336 --> 00:53:32,339
Zombie coming up the street?
"Fuck this!
968
00:53:34,466 --> 00:53:38,053
This looks safe."
You just land it.
969
00:53:38,136 --> 00:53:40,138
You could sit there hovering.
970
00:53:40,221 --> 00:53:43,266
Just sit there in a hover
watching everybody getting killed,
971
00:53:43,350 --> 00:53:46,561
sitting up there eating cheese
and crackers with the red stick.
972
00:53:50,190 --> 00:53:52,317
Yeah, so I told my wife
I want to fly a helicopter.
973
00:53:52,400 --> 00:53:54,194
She's just like, "Yeah, no."
974
00:53:57,030 --> 00:54:00,784
Which I know that came from a place
of love, but it still kind of annoyed me.
975
00:54:00,867 --> 00:54:03,912
Just that she said that shit,
then I was just gonna be like,
976
00:54:03,995 --> 00:54:08,083
"Oh, all right. Thought I was
gonna get to do that,
977
00:54:08,166 --> 00:54:13,129
but you said no, so...
there goes that.
978
00:54:14,130 --> 00:54:17,926
Hey, what other dreams
aren't I gonna get to achieve?
979
00:54:18,009 --> 00:54:20,971
Like, do you already know
or are you waiting for me to ask?"
980
00:54:23,515 --> 00:54:27,852
Yeah, I'm still gonna do it,
I'm just not gonna tell her.
981
00:54:27,936 --> 00:54:31,856
I'm just gonna go out and do it,
pass the goddamn class,
982
00:54:31,940 --> 00:54:33,876
and when I get my license,
I'm not going to tell her.
983
00:54:33,900 --> 00:54:36,820
I'm just gonna go out and buy
a white silk scarf,
984
00:54:36,903 --> 00:54:40,073
and hang it by a nail
in the living room.
985
00:54:40,156 --> 00:54:43,994
She's just gonna be like, "What is that?
What is that for? What does that mean?"
986
00:54:44,077 --> 00:54:46,830
"Yeah, someday you'll see,
someday you'll see.
987
00:54:46,913 --> 00:54:50,375
When the shit hits the fan,
and you're freaking the fuck out,
988
00:54:50,458 --> 00:54:54,254
and I'm taking branches off
some unforeseen helicopter."
989
00:54:54,337 --> 00:54:56,589
"What is that?"
"Shut the fuck up and get in!"
990
00:55:02,470 --> 00:55:05,390
Now you guys think
I'm bullshitting, I'm not.
991
00:55:05,473 --> 00:55:08,184
I'm serious. I'm 100% in on this.
992
00:55:08,268 --> 00:55:10,496
And ever since I got into it,
I'm seeing helicopters everywhere.
993
00:55:10,520 --> 00:55:12,289
I never realized how many
helicopters there were.
994
00:55:12,313 --> 00:55:15,108
Driving down the street like
Henry Hill looking up at them...
995
00:55:16,901 --> 00:55:18,236
doing key bumps and shit.
996
00:55:18,319 --> 00:55:20,405
"They're after me! Swear to God!"
997
00:55:21,406 --> 00:55:23,366
I'm seeing stories about them!
998
00:55:24,534 --> 00:55:27,996
It's just like that
old advertising anecdote.
999
00:55:28,079 --> 00:55:30,206
"I never realized
how many mattress
1000
00:55:30,290 --> 00:55:32,959
commercials there were out there
until I needed a mattress,
1001
00:55:33,043 --> 00:55:34,478
and then all of a sudden,
they're all over the place.
1002
00:55:34,502 --> 00:55:37,213
And then I bought a mattress
and then it all went away."
1003
00:55:37,297 --> 00:55:38,590
It's the same shit.
1004
00:55:41,051 --> 00:55:44,637
I saw this story
down in Orange County. Right?
1005
00:55:44,721 --> 00:55:46,181
Down in Orange County, California.
1006
00:55:46,264 --> 00:55:48,975
This guy gave
helicopter tours for 30 years...
1007
00:55:49,059 --> 00:55:51,019
30 years without incident.
1008
00:55:51,102 --> 00:55:54,105
Hands the business off to his son,
the American dream.
1009
00:55:54,189 --> 00:55:57,025
"I built it up for 30 years.
Here you go, son.
1010
00:55:57,108 --> 00:55:59,235
Make the family
and the family name proud."
1011
00:55:59,319 --> 00:56:01,863
"All right, Dad, I love you."
All right?
1012
00:56:01,946 --> 00:56:04,157
This poor kid, five days in,
1013
00:56:04,240 --> 00:56:07,577
he's supposed to give a tour to a couple,
only the dude shows up.
1014
00:56:07,660 --> 00:56:09,680
The kid thought it was weird,
but he's like, "I need the money.
1015
00:56:09,704 --> 00:56:12,082
I gotta give him a tour." Right?
So he takes this guy up.
1016
00:56:12,165 --> 00:56:16,211
Ten minutes into the tour,
the dude fucking jumped out.
1017
00:56:16,294 --> 00:56:19,464
Yeah, five days in.
1018
00:56:21,132 --> 00:56:23,218
Five days in from the balloons
and the cake.
1019
00:56:23,301 --> 00:56:27,931
"We love you, son.
Keep the family tree going.
1020
00:56:28,014 --> 00:56:29,933
The traditional line."
1021
00:56:30,016 --> 00:56:33,353
Five fucking days later, this kid,
he probably barely had the speech down.
1022
00:56:33,436 --> 00:56:35,188
Just sitting there,
flying the helicopter.
1023
00:56:35,271 --> 00:56:38,900
"All right, if you look out the left side
of the aircraft, that's Orange County.
1024
00:56:38,983 --> 00:56:41,236
There's over
27 miles of beaches there.
1025
00:56:41,319 --> 00:56:44,489
Put your seatbelt back on,
27 miles of beaches.
1026
00:56:45,615 --> 00:56:47,909
Was established
as a county in 1903.
1027
00:56:47,992 --> 00:56:50,721
Sir, please don't open the door.
Sir, what are you doing? Sir, no, no.
1028
00:56:50,745 --> 00:56:55,083
Don't, don't, stop, no, no!
1029
00:56:55,166 --> 00:56:58,086
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
1030
00:56:58,169 --> 00:57:01,589
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
1031
00:57:01,673 --> 00:57:05,677
What the fuck,
what the fuck?!
1032
00:57:07,262 --> 00:57:09,097
Fuck!"
1033
00:57:09,180 --> 00:57:12,368
Air traffic control: "I don't know who's
on this frequency, but you really need..."
1034
00:57:12,392 --> 00:57:14,602
"Somebody just jumped out
of the fucking helicopter!"
1035
00:57:16,563 --> 00:57:17,730
Five days in.
1036
00:57:18,731 --> 00:57:20,358
So I read further into the story.
1037
00:57:20,442 --> 00:57:23,570
Turns out the guy who jumped out,
he was 61 years old,
1038
00:57:23,653 --> 00:57:26,948
terminally ill,
he was in pain every day.
1039
00:57:27,031 --> 00:57:29,468
They couldn't figure out what was
wrong with him, and he had had enough.
1040
00:57:29,492 --> 00:57:33,288
At that point, that guy immediately
became a hero in my world.
1041
00:57:33,371 --> 00:57:36,124
Know what I love about him,
not only did he make the decision,
1042
00:57:36,207 --> 00:57:39,127
he didn't go out like
some pussy, right?
1043
00:57:39,210 --> 00:57:43,381
Handful of pills,
watching a romantic comedy,
1044
00:57:43,465 --> 00:57:45,675
wrapped in an afghan
that Nana made.
1045
00:57:45,758 --> 00:57:48,511
Fuck that.
Guy went out like a man.
1046
00:57:48,595 --> 00:57:52,056
"Take me up in a chopper,
I'm looking at the land I love,
1047
00:57:52,140 --> 00:57:54,142
and then I'm jumping out
like a superhero."
1048
00:57:54,225 --> 00:57:56,519
I loved it. Yeah.
1049
00:57:56,603 --> 00:57:59,522
[applause]
1050
00:57:59,606 --> 00:58:02,358
This guy should have been
wearing a fucking cape.
1051
00:58:03,776 --> 00:58:08,448
I can't imagine how elated he must
have been on that helicopter ride up
1052
00:58:08,531 --> 00:58:10,658
after finally just taking
back control of his life,
1053
00:58:10,742 --> 00:58:13,369
like, "Fuck you, disease. I decide."
1054
00:58:13,453 --> 00:58:16,706
Ripping tubes out,
gets a burger, shotguns a beer.
1055
00:58:16,789 --> 00:58:18,458
"Take me up in the chopper."
1056
00:58:18,541 --> 00:58:21,503
He probably had his
fucking foot on the dashboard.
1057
00:58:21,586 --> 00:58:25,173
He's not even listening
to this guy giving the tour. Right?
1058
00:58:25,256 --> 00:58:29,177
"Over 27 miles of beaches,
put your seatbelt back on.
1059
00:58:29,260 --> 00:58:31,221
Established as a county in 1903.
1060
00:58:31,304 --> 00:58:37,101
Sir, please don't try to open the door.
No, no, don't, don't, don't!"
1061
00:58:37,185 --> 00:58:38,228
[screams]
1062
00:58:38,311 --> 00:58:39,979
[imitates wind whipping]
1063
00:58:42,524 --> 00:58:44,234
Incredible!
1064
00:58:46,569 --> 00:58:48,279
But here's the thing.
1065
00:58:48,363 --> 00:58:50,490
I left out one small thing.
1066
00:58:50,573 --> 00:58:52,033
There is one small thing.
1067
00:58:52,116 --> 00:58:53,618
The guy fucking lived.
1068
00:58:54,661 --> 00:58:56,287
Yeah.
1069
00:58:56,371 --> 00:58:59,541
Yeah, they were out
over the ocean, 500 feet up.
1070
00:58:59,624 --> 00:59:02,710
You'd think that would be enough so,
I'm thinking he must have gone in
1071
00:59:02,794 --> 00:59:06,172
like Greg Louganis,
like, no splash, just...
1072
00:59:07,465 --> 00:59:11,052
But witnesses said it looked like
a dummy was falling out of the air.
1073
00:59:11,135 --> 00:59:13,596
So that sounds
like a hell of an impact.
1074
00:59:13,680 --> 00:59:17,225
I think he accidentally did
the most epic 500-foot belly flop
1075
00:59:17,308 --> 00:59:20,395
in the history
of jumping out of a helicopter.
1076
00:59:20,478 --> 00:59:24,399
But that didn't change
what he was trying to do.
1077
00:59:24,482 --> 00:59:28,152
Where his heart was, I still
love this guy. I just feel bad for him.
1078
00:59:28,236 --> 00:59:31,406
On the way down, he's got to be thinking,
"Three more seconds of pain!
1079
00:59:31,489 --> 00:59:33,408
Two more seconds!"
1080
00:59:33,491 --> 00:59:34,784
Wham!
1081
00:59:35,910 --> 00:59:38,288
[agonized scream]
1082
00:59:44,210 --> 00:59:47,255
"Oh, my God, this is worse!
1083
00:59:47,338 --> 00:59:48,881
This is way worse!"
1084
00:59:52,051 --> 00:59:56,556
It has a happy ending, though.
He later died at the hospital.
1085
00:59:56,639 --> 00:59:58,099
That's right.
1086
00:59:58,182 --> 01:00:00,268
So here's to him. God bless him.
1087
01:00:00,351 --> 01:00:02,145
I hope I have the balls someday.
1088
01:00:10,361 --> 01:00:13,656
So where do you go from there?
1089
01:00:13,740 --> 01:00:17,619
Well, as I mentioned,
last time I came through town,
1090
01:00:17,702 --> 01:00:19,579
I wanted to get a gun.
1091
01:00:19,662 --> 01:00:23,541
You know? I do. Yeah.
1092
01:00:23,625 --> 01:00:25,853
But I've finally given up on that.
I gave up on that dream.
1093
01:00:25,877 --> 01:00:28,296
My wife doesn't
want me to get one, so.
1094
01:00:28,379 --> 01:00:31,299
Yeah, she didn't want... Dude,
you got to pick your fucking battles.
1095
01:00:31,382 --> 01:00:33,718
I'm gonna learn how to fly
a helicopter on the sly,
1096
01:00:33,801 --> 01:00:37,138
I can't fucking have some
.357 hanging around.
1097
01:00:37,221 --> 01:00:41,476
"I'll do whatever I want. All right?
What I say goes! Eat it!"
1098
01:00:41,559 --> 01:00:46,648
Can't be that person.
Now it fucking bums me out,
1099
01:00:46,731 --> 01:00:51,486
'cause all I wanted to do was
just get a .22, that's all I wanted.
1100
01:00:51,569 --> 01:00:54,656
Perfect gun for home protection,
.22 caliber.
1101
01:00:54,739 --> 01:00:57,241
You're laughing at that, sir?
That's not enough?
1102
01:00:57,325 --> 01:00:58,660
I don't know.
1103
01:00:58,743 --> 01:01:01,162
I'm down South.
What do you think?
1104
01:01:01,245 --> 01:01:02,830
That's not enough, right?
1105
01:01:02,914 --> 01:01:04,832
You want...
1106
01:01:04,916 --> 01:01:07,585
Shotgun, right? .44?
1107
01:01:08,586 --> 01:01:10,838
You guys are out of your minds.
1108
01:01:10,922 --> 01:01:12,757
You're out of your fucking minds.
1109
01:01:15,259 --> 01:01:19,013
Let me ask all you gun guys,
who are gonna make fun if I had a .22.
1110
01:01:19,097 --> 01:01:21,349
"What's with your .22?
That little queer gun.
1111
01:01:21,432 --> 01:01:24,310
Do you keep it between your buttocks?
Is that the holster?
1112
01:01:24,394 --> 01:01:26,938
Is that what you do
with your gay little gun?
1113
01:01:28,523 --> 01:01:29,816
You need a big gun."
1114
01:01:31,609 --> 01:01:32,735
All you fucking guys.
1115
01:01:32,819 --> 01:01:35,738
Let me ask you this,
all you guys with your guns...
1116
01:01:35,822 --> 01:01:38,366
have you ever shot the fucking thing
without earplugs?
1117
01:01:38,449 --> 01:01:39,534
Have you ever done that?
1118
01:01:39,617 --> 01:01:42,328
Or you're like most people,
you take it down to the gun range,
1119
01:01:42,412 --> 01:01:45,623
you put your earplugs in,
put your headset on,
1120
01:01:45,707 --> 01:01:47,709
take it out of the briefcase.
1121
01:01:50,628 --> 01:01:54,674
You got your little yellow
tinted fucking glasses, right?
1122
01:01:55,800 --> 01:01:59,721
You look at your spread or whatever,
and then you put it back in there, right?
1123
01:02:01,639 --> 01:02:03,725
You ever shot that thing
without fucking earplugs?
1124
01:02:03,808 --> 01:02:06,644
'Cause that's what's gonna happen
when that intruder comes in.
1125
01:02:06,728 --> 01:02:10,231
You're not gonna have time to be,
"Hang on a second, let me just..."
1126
01:02:13,526 --> 01:02:15,695
Yeah, you're not gonna have time.
1127
01:02:15,778 --> 01:02:20,408
Dude, I shot a five-shot .38
one time without earplugs.
1128
01:02:20,491 --> 01:02:23,578
I was landscaping this guy's yard.
He comes out at the end of the job.
1129
01:02:23,661 --> 01:02:26,539
"Hey, I got this five-shot .38.
You want to go down the street?
1130
01:02:26,622 --> 01:02:30,251
There's a burned-out car.
We can take a couple of shots."
1131
01:02:30,334 --> 01:02:31,753
You know what's funny?
1132
01:02:31,836 --> 01:02:33,629
Every other state
is fuckin' dying laughing
1133
01:02:33,713 --> 01:02:37,800
at this point in the joke
because it's so goddamn ridiculous,
1134
01:02:37,884 --> 01:02:39,761
until I get down to the South.
1135
01:02:39,844 --> 01:02:44,265
And you guys just sit here
staring at me like,
1136
01:02:44,348 --> 01:02:46,434
"All right, so what happened?
1137
01:02:48,728 --> 01:02:52,482
Pretty standard, I thought this
was gonna be a comedy show.
1138
01:02:52,565 --> 01:02:55,860
You're reading from your journal?
I don't understand what the...
1139
01:02:57,820 --> 01:03:00,823
It's not a real compelling story."
1140
01:03:00,907 --> 01:03:04,660
I'm mowing a fucking lawn,
and a stranger comes out with a weapon
1141
01:03:04,744 --> 01:03:08,748
and says, "Let's shoot it
at a burned-out car!" Okay?
1142
01:03:09,791 --> 01:03:12,001
Jesus Christ, can we agree on that?
1143
01:03:13,461 --> 01:03:16,021
So I'm like, all right, let's do it,
fuck it. So I go down there.
1144
01:03:17,548 --> 01:03:18,800
Never shot a gun before.
1145
01:03:18,883 --> 01:03:22,303
I bring the gun up, point it at the car,
I pull the trigger.
1146
01:03:22,386 --> 01:03:26,641
I saw the muzzle flash, I felt a kick,
I never heard the gun.
1147
01:03:26,724 --> 01:03:28,035
I pulled the trigger,
all I just heard was...
1148
01:03:28,059 --> 01:03:31,437
[high-pitched tone]
1149
01:03:34,023 --> 01:03:37,902
I shot the gun four more times.
Never heard it.
1150
01:03:37,985 --> 01:03:41,531
Didn't get louder, didn't get quieter.
Just kept seeing flashes.
1151
01:03:41,614 --> 01:03:45,326
[high-pitched tone]
1152
01:03:48,412 --> 01:03:49,497
All right?
1153
01:03:51,582 --> 01:03:53,709
So let's take
one of your fucking guns.
1154
01:03:55,419 --> 01:03:58,506
Let's just say,
for the sake of argument.
1155
01:03:58,589 --> 01:04:03,344
All right, you got that thing sitting
on a nightstand, loaded. Right?
1156
01:04:03,427 --> 01:04:05,346
For God's sakes,
tell me you have it there.
1157
01:04:05,429 --> 01:04:07,908
Don't be one of these people that has
the gun here and the bullets there.
1158
01:04:07,932 --> 01:04:10,852
You got the thing fucking loaded,
ready to go.
1159
01:04:10,935 --> 01:04:12,854
3:00, 4:00 in the morning,
1160
01:04:12,937 --> 01:04:15,481
this is when the psycho's
coming in too, right?
1161
01:04:15,565 --> 01:04:18,943
That's when they come in,
3:00, 4:00 in the morning.
1162
01:04:19,026 --> 01:04:22,697
They don't come by at 6:30 at night,
as you're cutting into a pork chop.
1163
01:04:24,574 --> 01:04:26,552
"I'm out of my mind,
I'm coming back in 20 minutes,
1164
01:04:26,576 --> 01:04:28,995
so stretch out your hammies
'cause it's gonna get crazy."
1165
01:04:30,121 --> 01:04:32,373
That's not how it works.
1166
01:04:32,456 --> 01:04:35,126
They wait till you're dead asleep,
3:00, 4:00 in the morning,
1167
01:04:35,209 --> 01:04:37,545
right before REM sleep is kicking in.
1168
01:04:39,547 --> 01:04:40,899
So let's just say
for the sake of argument,
1169
01:04:40,923 --> 01:04:42,818
all you gun guys,
you got your thing loaded, right?
1170
01:04:42,842 --> 01:04:45,720
Your piece, right?
Right there, loaded for bear.
1171
01:04:45,803 --> 01:04:48,931
You're lying there,
same scenario, right?
1172
01:04:49,015 --> 01:04:51,642
One leg under the covers,
one without. Shirt.
1173
01:04:52,852 --> 01:04:54,562
4:00 in the morning, you're just...
1174
01:04:54,645 --> 01:04:57,315
[snoring]
1175
01:05:06,991 --> 01:05:10,828
Meanwhile, some psycho, sneaking in
through the living room window, right?
1176
01:05:14,624 --> 01:05:16,125
He brings in a fucking sickle.
1177
01:05:21,797 --> 01:05:22,965
And he's just listening.
1178
01:05:25,843 --> 01:05:27,946
Listens all the way down
that hall and he just hears...
1179
01:05:27,970 --> 01:05:30,264
[snoring]
1180
01:05:36,103 --> 01:05:38,689
He's trying not to squeak
on the floorboards.
1181
01:05:41,025 --> 01:05:43,152
And you're just fucking lying there.
1182
01:05:45,863 --> 01:05:48,699
[snoring]
1183
01:05:53,204 --> 01:05:55,599
All of a sudden, that little dog
on the floor is just like...
1184
01:05:55,623 --> 01:05:58,542
[low growling]
1185
01:06:00,378 --> 01:06:03,839
[growling and snoring continue]
1186
01:06:05,508 --> 01:06:09,178
"What's the matter? What's the matter?
What's the matter?
1187
01:06:09,261 --> 01:06:10,638
What's the matter, boy?
1188
01:06:11,889 --> 01:06:14,934
You hear something?
What's the matter?
1189
01:06:17,061 --> 01:06:18,229
What are you barking for?
1190
01:06:20,231 --> 01:06:22,316
You're shaking.
What's the matter, huh?
1191
01:06:25,778 --> 01:06:27,446
You hear something? What's...?
1192
01:06:40,793 --> 01:06:43,629
Come on, man, quit fucking around.
I got to go to work tomorrow."
1193
01:06:43,713 --> 01:06:44,964
[snoring]
1194
01:06:45,047 --> 01:06:47,550
All of a sudden, boom!
That door flies open.
1195
01:06:47,633 --> 01:06:51,053
You just see this shadowy figure.
You pick up that gun. Blam!
1196
01:06:51,137 --> 01:06:52,471
[high-pitched tone]
1197
01:06:52,555 --> 01:06:54,515
And you fucking miss!
1198
01:06:54,598 --> 01:06:57,143
You miss! You can't see,
now you can't hear.
1199
01:06:57,226 --> 01:06:58,728
That's two out of five senses!
1200
01:06:58,811 --> 01:07:01,522
What, are you gonna taste him
as he comes around the bed?
1201
01:07:01,605 --> 01:07:04,066
You're still gonna be
shooting over here.
1202
01:07:04,150 --> 01:07:07,737
Meanwhile, you see this strobe light
psycho coming around the fucking bed.
1203
01:07:09,363 --> 01:07:10,698
Takes off your head.
1204
01:07:10,781 --> 01:07:14,035
If you had the .22,
you could still hear.
1205
01:07:14,118 --> 01:07:17,121
Your ears would be ringing, but you
could hear that fucker coming across,
1206
01:07:17,204 --> 01:07:21,250
and you could shoot at him,
and he would leave. He would leave.
1207
01:07:21,333 --> 01:07:24,211
You guys just won't
get off the fact that it's a fuckin' .22.
1208
01:07:24,295 --> 01:07:27,548
You're, like, psychotic with this shit.
All right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1209
01:07:27,631 --> 01:07:31,177
Let me... I will extend an olive branch
to you people, okay?
1210
01:07:31,260 --> 01:07:32,428
I get it.
1211
01:07:33,471 --> 01:07:37,641
I get it that a .22
is basically a 'roided-up BB gun.
1212
01:07:37,725 --> 01:07:39,643
I got it, okay?
1213
01:07:39,727 --> 01:07:42,855
I understand that if you actually
want to kill somebody,
1214
01:07:42,938 --> 01:07:45,566
you have to basically have
the gun up to somebody's head
1215
01:07:45,649 --> 01:07:48,235
and be throwing a jab
as you pull the trigger.
1216
01:07:48,319 --> 01:07:51,947
I understand that. Okay?
1217
01:07:52,031 --> 01:07:57,870
But I maintain, I don't care who the fuck
the toughest person is in this house.
1218
01:07:57,953 --> 01:07:59,705
I could defend my house
with a BB gun.
1219
01:07:59,789 --> 01:08:01,099
I don't give a fuck
how tough you are.
1220
01:08:01,123 --> 01:08:02,374
I don't care.
1221
01:08:02,458 --> 01:08:04,269
If I started shooting at you
with a BB gun, at the very least,
1222
01:08:04,293 --> 01:08:07,713
you have to go back outside
and regroup. That's a fact.
1223
01:08:07,797 --> 01:08:09,173
That is a fact.
1224
01:08:09,256 --> 01:08:13,219
If I caught you in your elbow,
that might be the end of your night.
1225
01:08:17,223 --> 01:08:19,934
"Look, I'm coming back,
I'm coming back!"
1226
01:08:23,979 --> 01:08:26,065
I've been trying to get
along with my wife better.
1227
01:08:26,148 --> 01:08:30,778
I'm trying to dial down the douchebaggery
in my relationship.
1228
01:08:30,861 --> 01:08:33,948
I'm not turning out
the pilot light, though. All right?
1229
01:08:34,031 --> 01:08:35,699
I'm keeping some fight in me.
1230
01:08:35,783 --> 01:08:39,745
I'm not gonna be that henpecked guy
just standing there like,
1231
01:08:39,829 --> 01:08:41,997
"I guess we're making holiday cookies."
1232
01:08:45,793 --> 01:08:48,212
That dude
with the bowed shoulders.
1233
01:08:51,423 --> 01:08:55,094
"She makes them and then I'm supposed
to sprinkle the sugar on them.
1234
01:08:58,889 --> 01:09:01,767
I don't even think
they taste that good, but just..."
1235
01:09:04,895 --> 01:09:07,773
No, I stand my ground sometimes.
Sometimes I let it go.
1236
01:09:07,857 --> 01:09:09,733
You just got to figure it out.
1237
01:09:09,817 --> 01:09:12,337
We had a fight the other night,
she got so mad at me, she was like,
1238
01:09:12,361 --> 01:09:15,781
"You can just sleep downstairs.
You can just sleep downstairs."
1239
01:09:15,865 --> 01:09:17,324
I couldn't believe it.
1240
01:09:17,408 --> 01:09:20,035
It's one of the most arrogant things
I've ever heard in my life.
1241
01:09:20,119 --> 01:09:23,539
One adult telling another adult
where they can sleep.
1242
01:09:23,622 --> 01:09:24,891
"You can just sleep downstairs."
1243
01:09:24,915 --> 01:09:27,960
Like I was just gonna sit up in bed,
grab a blanket like Linus.
1244
01:09:28,043 --> 01:09:33,048
"All right. Hey,
where downstairs, by the way?
1245
01:09:33,132 --> 01:09:36,844
Like, over here downstairs,
or like more over here?
1246
01:09:36,927 --> 01:09:38,971
Where should I sleep?"
1247
01:09:41,140 --> 01:09:44,768
It's like, are you out of your mind?
I go, "I'm not sleeping downstairs."
1248
01:09:44,852 --> 01:09:46,121
She's like,
"Where you gonna sleep, then?"
1249
01:09:46,145 --> 01:09:48,022
I'm like, "Where I always sleep.
1250
01:09:48,105 --> 01:09:51,358
I will fucking sleep on your
side of the bed if I want to!
1251
01:09:51,442 --> 01:09:53,527
What are you gonna do?
I'm bigger than you.
1252
01:09:53,611 --> 01:09:56,071
I'll hang onto the covers,
try to get me out.
1253
01:09:56,155 --> 01:09:57,698
No tickling. Go ahead!"
1254
01:10:00,201 --> 01:10:01,368
Yeah, I was like,
1255
01:10:01,452 --> 01:10:04,455
"You don't tell me where to sleep.
I sleep where I want to sleep."
1256
01:10:04,538 --> 01:10:06,141
She's like, "Well, you don't
tell me where to sleep."
1257
01:10:06,165 --> 01:10:08,446
I'm like, "I'm not the one
telling people where to sleep!"
1258
01:10:10,044 --> 01:10:12,421
It was one of those
classic relationship fights.
1259
01:10:12,504 --> 01:10:15,132
It's like 2:00 in the morning,
you're both half naked.
1260
01:10:15,216 --> 01:10:17,801
She's not wearing a bra,
you got half a ball hanging out.
1261
01:10:17,885 --> 01:10:20,804
"And another thing!
No, no, I need to say this!
1262
01:10:20,888 --> 01:10:22,890
The other day, I felt slighted!"
1263
01:10:28,062 --> 01:10:31,815
It's fuckin' unreal, but what kills me
is that there's actually guys out there
1264
01:10:31,899 --> 01:10:33,901
that will actually listen to that shit.
1265
01:10:35,027 --> 01:10:37,255
Yeah, you talk to them, they'll be,
"Hey, how's it been going?"
1266
01:10:37,279 --> 01:10:40,783
"It's been rough last of couple nights
downstairs on the couch.
1267
01:10:40,866 --> 01:10:42,910
You know how that is, right?"
1268
01:10:42,993 --> 01:10:44,995
No, I don't.
1269
01:10:46,205 --> 01:10:47,873
I don't understand.
1270
01:10:49,750 --> 01:10:52,920
How did you get yourself
into that situation?
1271
01:10:55,089 --> 01:10:57,132
Like, what are you afraid of?
1272
01:10:57,216 --> 01:10:59,635
What is she gonna do if you say no?
1273
01:10:59,718 --> 01:11:02,680
What, is she gonna fucking chokeslam
you onto the kitchen table?
1274
01:11:05,057 --> 01:11:08,894
I understand if you're dating some woman
and she does that UFC MMA shit,
1275
01:11:08,978 --> 01:11:11,855
then you got to sleep where
she says to sleep, you got to.
1276
01:11:11,939 --> 01:11:14,209
She's gonna come at you.
"Well, let's get you in an arm bar."
1277
01:11:14,233 --> 01:11:16,235
"All right, all right, all right!"
Tapping out.
1278
01:11:16,318 --> 01:11:18,279
Or even worse,
she chokes you out.
1279
01:11:18,362 --> 01:11:20,990
You wake up on the couch,
like, 11 minutes later.
1280
01:11:23,993 --> 01:11:26,412
Just grab your jacket off
the back of the couch.
1281
01:11:26,495 --> 01:11:31,333
"I fucking hate when she does this.
It's like, it's not even fair.
1282
01:11:31,417 --> 01:11:33,877
Have a debate
like a normal person."
1283
01:11:35,004 --> 01:11:37,756
All right? I'm gonna talk somebody
down from a ledge here,
1284
01:11:37,840 --> 01:11:39,943
someone who's actually been
sleeping on the couch, okay?
1285
01:11:39,967 --> 01:11:42,136
So there's the first fear,
out the window.
1286
01:11:42,219 --> 01:11:44,888
Okay, she can't physically
dominate you, so that's gone.
1287
01:11:44,972 --> 01:11:48,017
What's the next fear?
She's gonna cut off the sex.
1288
01:11:48,100 --> 01:11:50,811
Yeah, rub one out.
Neutralized.
1289
01:11:52,271 --> 01:11:55,899
It's the most empty threat there is.
Do it right in front of her.
1290
01:11:55,983 --> 01:11:57,693
"Join me!"
1291
01:11:59,278 --> 01:12:01,155
Yeah.
1292
01:12:01,238 --> 01:12:03,449
I've never understood that threat.
1293
01:12:03,532 --> 01:12:06,327
That's like somebody putting
a chain around your refrigerator,
1294
01:12:06,410 --> 01:12:09,621
but you got a sandwich
in your pocket,
1295
01:12:09,705 --> 01:12:13,250
a never-ending sandwich,
like some biblical shit,
1296
01:12:13,334 --> 01:12:16,128
like Jesus with
the fucking bread or whatever.
1297
01:12:18,505 --> 01:12:21,133
So now what's the last thing
she can do?
1298
01:12:21,216 --> 01:12:24,887
What can she do now?
Be moody?
1299
01:12:24,970 --> 01:12:26,180
You can't handle that?
1300
01:12:26,263 --> 01:12:28,974
Walk by your TV
without looking at you.
1301
01:12:30,434 --> 01:12:33,062
Only make herself something
yummy out in the kitchen.
1302
01:12:33,145 --> 01:12:34,897
Who gives a fuck?
1303
01:12:34,980 --> 01:12:37,858
My wife does that, I just sit there,
I just start commentating.
1304
01:12:37,941 --> 01:12:40,527
"Here she comes again,
walking by the TV.
1305
01:12:40,611 --> 01:12:42,946
She really must be mad."
1306
01:12:44,073 --> 01:12:47,826
She's never body-slammed
me once, ever.
1307
01:12:50,913 --> 01:12:53,540
I'm not saying
to be a dick. All right?
1308
01:12:55,084 --> 01:12:57,836
I'm just saying,
you got to keep them honest.
1309
01:12:57,920 --> 01:12:59,981
Every once in a while,
you got to have a little pushback.
1310
01:13:00,005 --> 01:13:02,257
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey."
1311
01:13:02,341 --> 01:13:05,928
Rest of the shit...
I'm learning that about women.
1312
01:13:06,011 --> 01:13:08,097
You just want to keep them calm.
1313
01:13:08,180 --> 01:13:11,475
Just keep them calm,
like a rescue dog, right?
1314
01:13:11,558 --> 01:13:15,479
Just everything's cool,
everything's cool, just,
1315
01:13:15,562 --> 01:13:17,731
"Yeah, yeah, yeah,
this is great, this is great,
1316
01:13:17,815 --> 01:13:19,108
I'm having a great time.
1317
01:13:19,191 --> 01:13:20,442
No, your friends are awesome,
1318
01:13:20,526 --> 01:13:23,529
your friends are awesome,
very interesting party.
1319
01:13:23,612 --> 01:13:26,281
I am talking to people,
I'm talking to people,
1320
01:13:26,365 --> 01:13:29,201
I am having a good time here."
1321
01:13:30,285 --> 01:13:31,453
That's what you do.
1322
01:13:31,537 --> 01:13:35,999
You just do that enough, then when you
bark back, you got a little something.
1323
01:13:36,083 --> 01:13:38,627
Here's an olive branch
I've extended to her.
1324
01:13:38,710 --> 01:13:40,879
It's basically...
1325
01:13:40,963 --> 01:13:43,507
We fight a lot over television.
1326
01:13:43,590 --> 01:13:47,177
I've kind of come her way,
she's come my way.
1327
01:13:47,261 --> 01:13:49,179
She watches a little bit of sports,
1328
01:13:49,263 --> 01:13:51,682
I occasionally will watch
a romantic comedy.
1329
01:13:51,807 --> 01:13:54,184
Which, I don't care, the nerd's
gonna fuck the cheerleader.
1330
01:13:54,268 --> 01:13:55,894
I'll watch it, right?
1331
01:13:57,438 --> 01:13:59,481
I don't mind them,
it's an uplifting story.
1332
01:13:59,565 --> 01:14:03,402
I just don't like the love scenes
in romantic comedies.
1333
01:14:03,485 --> 01:14:04,987
They creep me out.
1334
01:14:05,070 --> 01:14:09,158
They're just so fucking nice.
It's, like, missionary-style.
1335
01:14:09,241 --> 01:14:12,578
There's candles.
That stupid saxophone music.
1336
01:14:12,661 --> 01:14:15,664
[imitates saxophone]
1337
01:14:15,747 --> 01:14:17,458
It always goes down.
1338
01:14:17,541 --> 01:14:20,961
Like the saxophone
implies the penetration, right?
1339
01:14:21,044 --> 01:14:22,629
'Cause they can't show it.
1340
01:14:22,713 --> 01:14:26,175
They got to make her this
one-dimensional, this little angel.
1341
01:14:26,258 --> 01:14:29,803
They ignore
the other 90% of her sexuality.
1342
01:14:29,887 --> 01:14:32,097
No hair-pulling, no ass-slapping,
none of that shit.
1343
01:14:32,181 --> 01:14:35,934
None of that taboo stuff
of a woman's sexuality.
1344
01:14:36,018 --> 01:14:37,144
That's never brought up.
1345
01:14:37,227 --> 01:14:40,272
That whole "Hold me down
but let me up, but hold me down.
1346
01:14:41,356 --> 01:14:45,235
Choke me, but let me breathe, but kind of
scare the shit out of me a little bit.
1347
01:14:45,319 --> 01:14:47,279
I want to feel your power
but I want to be safe,
1348
01:14:47,362 --> 01:14:49,948
but let me know
if you really wanted to."
1349
01:14:50,032 --> 01:14:52,534
That whole Fifty Shades of Rape,
whatever the hell that is.
1350
01:14:52,618 --> 01:14:54,495
Yeah.
1351
01:14:54,578 --> 01:14:57,206
I don't even pretend
to understand it.
1352
01:14:57,289 --> 01:15:01,752
I remember the first time a woman wanted
to get me to choke her a little bit.
1353
01:15:01,835 --> 01:15:03,712
I didn't even know
what she was doing.
1354
01:15:03,795 --> 01:15:05,955
I was just so psyched
to be getting laid, I was like...
1355
01:15:07,883 --> 01:15:13,305
And she just kept taking my hand,
and she kept putting it right here.
1356
01:15:13,388 --> 01:15:14,708
I didn't know what she was doing.
1357
01:15:14,765 --> 01:15:17,392
I thought she was testing
my core strength or some shit.
1358
01:15:20,729 --> 01:15:22,540
And finally, I was just like,
"What are you doing?"
1359
01:15:22,564 --> 01:15:25,234
She says, like, "I don't know.
I just kinda like, ya know.
1360
01:15:25,317 --> 01:15:28,403
It's like squeeze a little bit
and kind of like squeeze it.
1361
01:15:28,487 --> 01:15:31,156
Why don't you want to do it?
It'll be fun."
1362
01:15:31,240 --> 01:15:32,574
Why don't I want to do it?
1363
01:15:32,658 --> 01:15:35,202
I don't think I want
a passed-out naked woman
1364
01:15:35,285 --> 01:15:37,246
with my fingerprints
all around her neck.
1365
01:15:37,329 --> 01:15:40,040
Having the cops show up.
"Yeah, she's in here, Officer.
1366
01:15:40,123 --> 01:15:44,002
Damndest thing, it was her idea.
I swear to God, it was her idea!"
1367
01:15:47,714 --> 01:15:49,925
Yeah, they always make it nice
in those movies.
1368
01:15:50,008 --> 01:15:52,261
The raciest thing they'll do is
every once in a while,
1369
01:15:52,344 --> 01:15:54,972
they'll kiss up against a wall.
1370
01:15:55,055 --> 01:15:58,016
I guess women like walls.
I didn't know that.
1371
01:15:58,100 --> 01:16:00,269
A lot of up-against-the-wall kissing.
1372
01:16:00,352 --> 01:16:02,604
"Oh, my God, it's the wall.
Oh, my God!
1373
01:16:02,688 --> 01:16:05,315
It's supporting me,
maybe he'll support me,
1374
01:16:05,399 --> 01:16:07,526
it's a metaphor, I love it."
1375
01:16:10,070 --> 01:16:12,406
Yeah, I saw one the other night,
they were doing that,
1376
01:16:12,489 --> 01:16:15,009
and then out of nowhere, they started
having sex up against the wall.
1377
01:16:15,033 --> 01:16:17,953
I'm like, finally, something
a little bit more interesting, right?
1378
01:16:18,036 --> 01:16:21,206
But they were doing it standing up
facing each other, missionary-style.
1379
01:16:21,290 --> 01:16:25,294
Arguably one of the most
difficult positions there is,
1380
01:16:25,377 --> 01:16:28,547
and they were doing it
with little to no difficulty.
1381
01:16:28,630 --> 01:16:31,383
All she did was lift her leg up
like that, and that was it.
1382
01:16:31,466 --> 01:16:33,844
He was off to the races.
1383
01:16:33,927 --> 01:16:35,971
I ruined the movie for my wife.
1384
01:16:36,054 --> 01:16:39,099
I'm like,
"That is fucking bullshit!
1385
01:16:39,182 --> 01:16:40,726
Bullshit."
1386
01:16:40,809 --> 01:16:43,353
What does the guy have,
like, a U-shaped dick?
1387
01:16:43,437 --> 01:16:44,730
How is he doing anything?
1388
01:16:44,813 --> 01:16:46,690
Is he sticking it in her navel?
1389
01:16:46,773 --> 01:16:49,693
Did he grease up her thighs,
to hell with her needs?
1390
01:16:49,776 --> 01:16:52,362
Like, if all she's gonna do is this,
1391
01:16:52,446 --> 01:16:56,366
she's got to bring it up like an offsides
call, if that's what she's doing.
1392
01:16:56,450 --> 01:17:01,246
All right? If not, you got
to make some adjustments.
1393
01:17:01,330 --> 01:17:05,542
You just got to grab the other leg,
you got to try to pick her up there,
1394
01:17:05,626 --> 01:17:07,127
use these muscles.
1395
01:17:07,210 --> 01:17:10,756
[screaming]
1396
01:17:10,839 --> 01:17:13,133
Maybe you could grab
a doorjamb, drop down,
1397
01:17:13,216 --> 01:17:16,428
try to come in, try to do that.
1398
01:17:16,511 --> 01:17:19,139
Dude, nobody can do that
other than a porn star
1399
01:17:19,222 --> 01:17:21,224
for longer than 18 seconds
before they're like,
1400
01:17:21,308 --> 01:17:23,560
"All right, this is ridiculous, okay?
1401
01:17:23,644 --> 01:17:25,437
My calves are burning,
1402
01:17:25,520 --> 01:17:29,358
I can't get nearly enough momentum
to do any sort of damage.
1403
01:17:29,441 --> 01:17:33,070
I can literally feel you
getting on with your day
1404
01:17:33,153 --> 01:17:37,366
with every pathetic attempt
to try and rock your world."
1405
01:17:37,449 --> 01:17:40,243
These guys in the movie,
they have no problem banging away,
1406
01:17:40,327 --> 01:17:42,621
then they pick them up
like they're not heavy.
1407
01:17:42,704 --> 01:17:48,001
They start walking down, they see the bed,
they just lay her down on the bed.
1408
01:17:48,085 --> 01:17:51,129
Dude, I'm not trying to be a dick,
but every woman in here is heavy.
1409
01:17:52,506 --> 01:17:57,052
Yeah, you're heavy.
You're an adult female!
1410
01:17:57,135 --> 01:17:58,946
Jesus Christ, when do you stop
picking up your kids?
1411
01:17:58,970 --> 01:18:00,722
When they're, like,
five or six?
1412
01:18:00,806 --> 01:18:02,391
"Get off of me! Jesus Christ.
1413
01:18:02,474 --> 01:18:05,310
You're gonna throw out my back.
Go jump on your brother."
1414
01:18:08,605 --> 01:18:15,070
An adult woman weighs 115 pounds,
120, all the way up to God knows what.
1415
01:18:16,405 --> 01:18:18,198
And it's not balanced weight.
1416
01:18:18,281 --> 01:18:21,034
Most of it's in your thighs
and in your ass.
1417
01:18:21,118 --> 01:18:24,788
Your head's hanging off
trying to counterbalance.
1418
01:18:24,871 --> 01:18:26,540
Dude, when guys go to the gym,
1419
01:18:26,623 --> 01:18:29,292
we don't put 30 pounds on one side
and a buck-80 over here.
1420
01:18:29,376 --> 01:18:31,253
"Fuckin' yeah!"
1421
01:18:33,797 --> 01:18:35,340
Yeah, it's ridiculous.
1422
01:18:38,093 --> 01:18:40,387
Trying to carry a naked woman,
1423
01:18:40,470 --> 01:18:43,265
it's like trying to carry
a half-filled waterbed mattress.
1424
01:18:43,348 --> 01:18:45,684
You're, like, bumping into shit.
1425
01:18:45,767 --> 01:18:48,270
When you see the bed,
you don't walk to it,
1426
01:18:48,353 --> 01:18:50,480
you slowly start
picking up momentum.
1427
01:18:53,191 --> 01:18:57,112
Then she bounces off this mattress,
hits the wall, slides down,
1428
01:18:57,195 --> 01:18:58,739
the whole sex vibe's ruined,
1429
01:18:58,822 --> 01:19:02,200
and you're back to your
sandwich in your pocket.
1430
01:19:02,284 --> 01:19:04,619
All right, I'm out of time.
You guys were awesome.
1431
01:19:04,703 --> 01:19:06,788
Thank you so much.
1432
01:19:06,872 --> 01:19:10,459
Thank you, thank you.
I had a great time.
1433
01:19:13,170 --> 01:19:15,172
I'll see you next time.
Thank you.
1434
01:19:16,256 --> 01:19:18,258
[cheers and applause]
122146
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