Original subtitles

[blows whistle]

I told you they would be here.

All right. What's your secret?

How did you know this time?

Dad, I'm not really getting anything.

He's good.

Checking his watch.

Our Senator's a busy man.

They're walking in.

I'm following them. I'm going in.

[elevator bell dings]

This is my jam.

It's a good one.

[elevator bell dings]

They're going into the north penthouse.

You gotta go down in 2206.

Would you like your room turned down? Hello?

What accent is that?

I don't know, like a Scottish mixed with Salma Hayek.

We need to workshop that a little more.

The room is clear.

Vertigo moment.

[Sam] What do you mean? What are you doing?

Molly, what's going on? I can't see.

What's happening out there?

Please be careful.

I have a will.

I need to leave my nothing to someone.

I will not plunge to my death.

Do not plunge to your death.

Oh, my God.

Be very careful, please?

Dad, I've got it.

[grunts]

Oh, my God.

Hey!

What the--

[screams]

It's a party of three.

What does that mean?

It was a ménage a gross.

Just get out of there. it doesn't matter.

[Man] Get back here!

I'm in the northeast stairwell.

I'm on the roof.

Tell me what's going on.

How do I get out of here?

Shit.

I don't like it when you swear.

Well, well, darling.

Here we are.

Molly? Where are you?

Molly?

You get the pictures you need?

I'm not the one cheating.

No, you're the one taking the dirty pictures of it.

You're the lowest of the low, you know that?

You're beneath the paparazzi.

That hurts.

Then just give me the camera.

I said give me the camera!

Okay!

Nice and slow.

That a girl.

Now give it to me.

Catch!

No!

I am not the paparazzi!

[shouting, grunting]

[rock music, background]

[motorcycle roar]

♪ One way, or another I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha ♪

♪ One way or another ♪

♪ I'm gonna win you ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha... ♪

♪ One way or another ♪

♪ I'm gonna see you I'm gonna meet you, meet you ♪

♪ One day, maybe next week ♪

♪ I'm gonna meet you. ♪

♪ I'll meet you ♪

♪ I will drive past your house ♪

♪ and if the lights are all down ♪

♪ I'll see who's around ♪

[guitar riff]

♪ One way or another ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha ♪

♪ One way or another ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha ♪

♪ One way or another ♪

♪ I'll getcha. I'll getcha ♪

[camera shutter]

Excuse me? Can I talk to you for a second?

I'm not really the sugar daddy type and I'm kind of busy here.

I understand.

Excuse me? I'm sorry. I'm sorry to bother you.

This woman has been following you and taking your picture.

I know she doesn't look it, but she's a private investigator

that's been hired by your wife

to prove you're cheating on the road.

She doesn't have any evidence,

so if you pop down to the next stop

I'm sure you could find a waitress that you could

that you could talk your way into her pants.

Looks like you just freed up.

Armon Ranford, FBI.

Have you heard of the Georgian Mafia?

A group of these monsters

immigrated into the United States 15 years ago,

led by a guy named Vor Kashalov.

He deals with drugs, fraud and extortion.

And what's this have to do with me?

We're leveling an indictment against Kashalov this afternoon.

His chief witness is a guy named Jason Patrone.

Patrone did the books for Kashalov without knowing it.

And we are in the process of convincing Jason Patrone

to testify against Vor.

And I got a grilled cheese for lunch.

- What? - What is your point?

My point is Patrone's daughter goes to college in New Orleans,

and we want you to keep an eye on her.

Don't you have someone at the bureau that can do that?

Our trainees would have a pretty difficult time

passing as a college sorority girl.

They're pretty beefy and they got mustaches.

And that's just the women.

I did my homework on you. Your mother died when you were young.

You were raised by your father, and by proxy,

most of the Dallas police force.

At eleven, you became a really great shot,

and you're well versed in Jiu Jitsu.

I'm an Aikido man myself.

Sorry.

Why are you sorry?

Aikido is a fashionable way for fat housewives

to lose weight at their local Equinox.

Are you calling me a fat housewife? Yeah.

You don't think that Jiu Jitsu is a dated form?

No. It's the most effective defense system

when it comes to overcoming size.

Please! I'm serious.

With the right amount at leverage and speed,

I'd drive you through that window.

If you were behind the wheel of a forklift.

This is a waste of my time.

You know what a heart hit is?

Never heard of it.

It's an Eastern European enforcement practice.

The family will plant someone

into the life of a loved one of their enemy.

The plant will work their way into the life of the target.

Get close to them.

So the threat of a hit alone prevents testimony.

Exactly. There is a heart hit planted

on Jason's daughter's life.

Her name is Alex Patrone.

We think she's holding something for her father.

Some evidence against Kashalov.

Financial statements, accounting ledgers that provide her dad

with a bargaining chip of some sort.

I can't do it. I'm needed here.

Fifteen thousand.

I've got a kid.

No, you don't.

Your dad got kicked off the police force

who loves to gamble.

Same thing.

I'm offering you a chance to do something real.

A chance to work for the FBI.

A chance to possibly make a real difference in someone's life.

Think about it, Molly,

because we both know that chasing cheating truckers

is not the top rung of investigative fulfillment.

My card.

In case you change your mind.

Not going to.

Where were you?

Oh, I had dinner with the guys.

That coffee cup you're holding is from Rolly Roasters,

and there's only two franchises in the Dallas area.

At the airport and Lone Star Park.

You always read the newspaper at dinner with the guys,

yet that newspaper you're holding hasn't been opened yet.

And that red stamp on your hand gives you access

to the box seat section.

So tell me, Dad,

how was the track?

You're too quick for me, Moll.

How much?

I was so close to getting that money for that lawyer.

I was so close to getting back on the force and then...

Really! I was just one hot streak away.

Dad.

And then I lost.

Then I chased.

How much?

Seventeen thousand.

Armon.

What is this place? You'll see.

We've gained you entry to Alex's sorority.

You're a transfer from University of Hawaii.

Obscure school. Far away. Smart.

But I need more money. What?

Listen, I'm gonna take the gig. I'm gonna go to the college.

I'll even throw in some lipstick.

But I need five grand more.

Fine, but you're gonna do a lot more than just put on lipstick.

Okay, you're like, 40 minutes late!

Who's this?

I'm Bizzy.

You're busy?

No, Molly, her name is Bizzy.

She works out of the New York office.

So what's this look we're rocking? Hobo chic?

I don't get it.

Okay, you have to like try on all these clothes.

Fine.

No, Molly, you say "totally" or you say

its shorter cousin "totes" when you want to say "fine."

Okay then, let's go.

Accessories.

Marc Jacobs' Aussie tote in fuchsia.

The essentials. Maybelline Shine Sensational Lip Gloss...

in "cherry kiss" and "crushed candy."

Mac Luster Lipstick in "quiet please."

Molly. This is Zingadi.

He's the bomb dot com when it comes to hair.

Extra sugar free dessert delights

in mint chocolate chip and strawberry shortcake.

Double bubble bubblegum gum, two packs.

They blindfolded me when they drove me here.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was totes inappropes.

No, I liked it.

It's kind of like my last Craigslist experience.

Amaze balls.

A what balls?

This is the Kappa Kappa Zeta pecking order.

You're gonna need to know this to fit into the house.

At the top, we've got Sasha Stolezinsky.

She is ruthless and power hungry

and runs the house with an iron fist-ish.

She's like Khadafi with highlights.

In-styler rolling hot iron. Trust me. You'll need it.

If binging and purging were a crime, she'd be on death row.

Do you know what I'm saying? Not really.

I cut my hair myself.

In an earthquake?

These are her top three lieutenants.

Cotton, Taylor, and Hunter.

Cotton, Taylor, Hunter.

They were conceived while their parents

were having sex in an L.L. Bean outlet store.

This is your target right here. Alex Patrone.

You are her best friend. Got it.

Bravo wicked thin lubricated condoms, size large, jumbo pack.

Yeah, I won't be needing those.

Oh! It's like a sad animal attempted suicide on her head.

You both know I'm sitting right here.

If anyone can do it, you can. You're the hair whisperer.

This is your phone.

What did you do? Rob a nine-year-old?

No, you're actually going to use this phone.

It's got a built-in Kappa app

with information on all of your sorority sisters.

Kappa app? That's right.

And this one you will not use.

But keep it on you and on at all times.

Why?

Because that's how I'm going to find you.

You'll receive a text.

What if I need to call you? You'll get a text.

So if I need to call you, I'm going to get a text?

Correct. Makes no sense.

Kappa phone, bat phone.

Don't call it a bat phone. Why not?

It belittles the importance of the phone.

Okay. I'm sorry, but I'm calling it a bat phone.

No. The bat phone was red, and it was a land line,

and Bruce Wayne used it for calls,

and you're only using that to receive texts!

I don't see the point, okay? Okay.

And this right here

is your brand new Volkswagen EOS.

Come on, can't I ride my bike to school?

Girls your age would jump up and down

for a chance to drive this thing.

I'm not like most girls.

Brook Stonebridge is.

Who's Brook Stonebridge?

It's your new identity.

Are you serious?

That's not a name. That's a gated community.

I really don't care.

Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

Try it.

Try what?

You say, "Oh my God" when you want to say "holy shit."

Oh, my God?

Oh. My. God.

[together] Oh. My. God.

It's a fashion miracle.

Oh. My. God.

[Brand New Chick, by Anjulie]

Brook Stonebridge.

Hi, I'm Brook Stonebridge. Nice to meet you.

I can't believe you're canceling!

Cameron, it's Kappa welcome back night!

I have to be there.

You're choosing your sorority over my father?

Cotton? Listen to me. I'm late as it is.

I still have to shave my chest and meditate

before I meet my parents.

So just meet us at the horse show.

Cameron, I told you. I can't!

Cotton, sometimes you can be such an insipid idiot!

Cameron, I don't know what that word means.

What kind of idiot doesn't know what the word "idiot" means?

No, the other one.

Insipid, devoid of character.

I have character, Cameron.

Last year for Halloween, I was a raspberry!

Just shut up! Easy there.

You have a problem?

I think you could be a bit more patient.

Oh, really.

Don't be late.

I hope that wasn't a first date.

I'm Brook. I don't care who you are!

That's Cameron Harrison.

He is the president at Omega Alpha Pi

and the son of Senator Harrison.

I'm sorry, I was-- You're so insipid.

Who the hell are you?

I'm really gonna love it here.

[laughing]

Hi! Welcome! What's your name?

♪ Oh when you pledge to K-K-Z ♪

♪ Oh, when you pledge to K-K-Z ♪

♪ You'll want to be one of our sisters ♪

♪ when you pledge to K-K-Z. ♪

♪ We're full of poise We've got great class ♪

♪ We're all grace wrapped up in curls. ♪

♪ You'll want to be one of our sisters ♪

♪ When you pledge to K-K-Z ♪

Woooo!

I'm not a pledge. I'm just a transfer.

[all] Oh....

Another pledge!

[all resume song]

Hello beautiful, vibrant Kappa sister.

Hey, I'm Brook.

What?

You're supposed to greet me back.

I did.

No, the way that I greeted you.

Right. Of course.

Hello beautiful, vibrant Kappa sister.

Those are the words that I used.

You have to use your own words.

Hello sweet, freshly manicured, evenly spray-tanned Kappa sister.

Hi, I'm Sasha, president of Kappa Kappa Zeta.

And you're Brook Stonebridge, our transfer from Hawaii.

And you're really well informed.

Now that you've seen the chapter,

in which you know boys are never allowed in...

I wasn't planning on it.

Just saying. Let me show you upstairs.

Come on.

You know, you seem more mature than the other girls.

That's because I'm older.

I was modeling in Croatia for three years before I came here.

Croatia? Yeah...

People always think of Milan when they think of high fashion,

but Croatia is the new golden age of couture.

Is it? It's Paris, 1947.

Oh, my God! Under the stars of the blue southern sky,

where girls become women, we bake apple pie.

There's fish and there's trees, there's tents and there's cheese.

Wakka wakka hey, wakka wakka who wakka me, wakka wakka you!

You went to Camp Wakka Wakka?

You don't remember me?

I'm sorry, I don't.

Brook Stonebridge. I was in cabin Whisper Nine.

I kind of was a loner. I ate a lot of bugs.

Oh, okay.

Can you believe what happened to Shelley Simon?

I know. Isn't it fantastic?

She lost her arm.

What she's doing with the other arm, she's just so strong.

I was really nervous about transferring here, but...

I am so psyched that I already have a friend.

Great.

I just love reunions.

Totes.

And this is your room.

Your stuff's here already.

Your roommate Becky is so great.

You will so love her. She's so... great.

And she's real, which is so important,

because, there are just so many fake girls in this house.

Hi, y'all.

How did that sound?

I've been working that accent since last year.

I'm Becky Slotzky.

Brook Stonebridge.

Oh! My grandparents just moved there.

I didn't choose the name.

I see you've met Sasha.

You know, she's really like that and that's unmedicated?

Did she drop the modeling thing?

Oh, yeah. Croatia. It's Paris in 1947.

I know what you're thinking.

My mother was a Kappa, which makes me like a Siamese.

They have to let me in.

How did you get into Kappa, Brook Stonebridge?

The FBI arranged it.

You're funny.

[crowd noise]

You like it?

Is this a Triumph?

1972. Restored it myself.

Bonneville engine? Yeah.

That's rad.

Nicholas.

Brook.

Nice to meet you.

You don't go to school here, do you?

Of course I do. Why would you think that I don't?

I'm in my late teens. I'm walking on campus.

I've got a pretentious name, a sparkly cell phone.

I don't know, not many girls here

would know this bike's a Triumph.

Really? Oh.

Well, I just think it's amaze-balls.

[giggles nervously]

[rap music, background]

More than anything in the world?

Okay, a big house in Winter Park,

a tall husband who makes a lot at money

but is also properly God-fearing,

and a pearl white Bentley Continental GT

with a pink Jesus fish on the back bumper.

Oh, nice. Taylor, your turn.

Okay. I want to live in Beverly Hills and like be on TV.

But not on one of those cheesy reality shows. No.

I want to be on a really quality reality show,

so I can have a billion Twitter followers

and go to Cabo with Chelsea Handler.

And I def want a pearl white Bentley, too.

What's your name again?

Brook. Your turn, Brook.

What I want?

More than anything in the whole world.

More than anything?

A Sigarm 1911 pistol with a hand-striped V-notched rear.

A GSR stainless steel, but with a black Nitron finish.

A seamless P-226 slide and tritum night-sights.

And a pearl while Bentley.

[all laugh]

Where's my Eyelicious moisturizer?

Damn it! Somebody stole it.

Girl, welcome to the club.

Somebody stole my neck massager.

Wait, I think somebody stole my lip glass.

Sweetie, it's in your hand.

Oh. [all laugh]

It's a lot nicer than the Camp Wakka Wakka bathrooms.

I like that.

Oh, it was a gift.

It's really pretty.

Why is this so important to all of them?

Well, because this is their world.

It used to be mine.

I'm sorry. I'm being totally cynical.

I'm sure you'll love all of the pageantry.

But the real world comes and gets us all at some point.

I'm so sorry, Alex!

What did you do? My shirt is ruined!

This was my special Kappa Kappa Zeta T-shirt!

And you ruined it.

Like, OMG. I'm messing with you.

[everyone laughs]

Are you making fun of me?

I am. [all laugh]

Okay, let's see if we're up and running.

I'm late.

I'm so undercover.

Sisters, welcome back and welcome home.

It was a summer of change, a summer of big developments,

and a summer at making new friends.

We have a year of great excitement ahead of us,

including winning the Lafitte Cup back

from those easy Alpha girls.

[cheering]

But to do that, we need to sell more dolls

than any of the other houses.

Kappas, are you up for that?

[cheering]

Okay, let the festivities begin.

♪ It only takes a spark to get a fire a fire going ♪

♪ And soon our sisters now will warm up in its glowing ♪

♪ That's how it with us ♪

Watch out!

Stay down!

[gasping]

Face down!

It's those godless OAP boys.

[laughing]

They're always trying to catch us

exercising topless or something.

They totally caught me once. I was so mad.

Look, a pretty little fire.

[screaming]

What? You've never had a shower before?

I'm so sorry.

Come on, girls.

Let's go.

Everyone out.

[screaming]

You may as well have turned to this date on my calendar

and painted it black.

Wow! That was disturbingly poetic.

Look, I really am sorry. It was just accident.

No, an accident is like when you're driving

and you hit a raccoon, but you don't want to stop

because it turned out to be somebody's dog.

This is a tragedy.

All right, girls, let's go.

The Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act.

RICO allowed law enforcement

to get into areas that it'd never been before

when it came to investigating the mafia.

It was a Nixon hustle.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, but you're not telling the whole story.

Well, enlighten us.

The Justice Department used RICO

to go after anybody on Nixon's hate list.

Gays, liberals, reformers, subversive students.

Yeah, RICO was enacted to go after the mob,

but don't tell me that it wasn't abused.

I won't. What's your name?

Brook.

How would someone like you know this, Brook?

I don't know.

I guess I'm just like, so into crime, I want to throw up!

[everyone laughs]

Interesting take on RICO.

I don't really know what I'm talking about.

Hey Summer!

That was kind of rude.

She was my freshman roommate last year.

I haven't seen her since then.

She's probably just trying to keep it low.

Keep what low?

Her affair with the good doctor.

[Nicholas] What are you talking about?

She was probably in one of his lectures,

and now they're on their way to have scandalous motel room sex.

Come on. How do you know that, Brook?

The parking pass on the back of his car is preferential for doctors.

He's not wearing a wedding ring but I see the tan line.

She obviously knows he's married,

so that's not why he doesn't wear it.

It's a guilt thing cheating men do.

Wow. All I saw was Summer and some guy. I'm impressed.

You've got a really nice sense of deduction Brook.

I developed it early. What?

I don't know. I should probably not talk anymore.

Okay, amaze-balls.

I'm gonna go nap now.

Shit. What's up?

[crunching] Finance major.

Why can't I be like everyone else in the house and just marry one?

[snickers]

What are those books?

Not books, ledgers. [crunches]

Big, fat accounting ledgers.

You know they have computers tor that, right?

Our sadist teacher makes us do it all by hand.

That way we really learn.

I need a break.

See you. See you.

That's weird.

The house doesn't have a dog.

What are you doing?

Hey, Taylor.

How's it going?

I'm retaining water and I'm not sure why.

Why are you in our room?

I'm just borrowing Alex's thong.

You know how we like to all borrow each other's stuff.

I guess so.

Brandy. Huh?

If you drink brandy, you won't retain all that water.

Really? Okay, thanks, Brook.

No prob.

See you.

I'll try that.

[beeping] Bat phone.

Hi, Brook. Armon.

You made me ride the whole streetcar line.

Precautions.

Follow me.

All right, update me.

There's nothing to say.

Look, I know I haven't been there that long,

but I know dangerous people and there aren't any there.

Take a look at this.

Oh, my God, that's Bizzy.

Yep, Kashalov had her killed.

I don't get it. Why wouldn't they just kill Alex?

Why would they go to all the trouble

of planting someone in her life?

If he has Alex killed, her father will testify.

The only way he can gain momentum right now

is by planting a killer-in-wait.

You have to take this seriously.

Find out who's not who they say they are

and try to uncover any information about this bargaining chip

that Alex may be holding.

[floor creaks]

[door squeaks]

Wake up! Wake up! [beating pan]

Move and I shoot!

What the hell, Cotton?

It was a PJ party. What?

It's a tradition.

We wake each other up in the middle of the night

then go to a frat party without showering or changing.

So everyone's showering and changing right now

to make it look like they didn't shower or change.

You sleep with a gun?

It's not real.

Of course not. It's not?

Your money or your life.

I'm gonna bust a cat in your ass.

Give it back.

It's a cap. What's a cap?

It's bust a cap in your ass.

Why would anybody put a cap in their ass?

Because, Cotton, that's what the gangsters do.

That's weird.

Oh! And putting a cat in your ass isn't weird at all?

You're a real Einstein, Cotton.

I am not.

[rap music playing, crowd noise]

I can't believe you'd wear that here.

You look like a cheap trick.

You bought this for my birthday!

No, I didn't.

My father's secretary did and I signed the card.

And don't you think for a second

that she's not going to get fired

for making you look like a New Jersey housewife!

I guess he's better once you get to know him?

Not really. He just called me a housewife.

Cotton, you don't need to take that.

Wait, did he just propose to me?

l don't think--

Wow.

Do you think I'm pretty?

Oh, my God.

Sometimes I wanna kill you because you are so pretty.

I'm serious. I think about killing you a lot.

Oh, you're so sweet.

[whooping, shouting]

Hey! Can I interest you in a dip

in that white trash pool over there?

I've already been.

I've got a disease now, by the way.

Hey, it happens to the best of us.

If you wanna go and take your mind off of it, or...

Can you not do that? Thank you.

There is this amazing old school jazz band

you gotta let me take you to see.

It's in the French Quarter

and it's not a place students usually go,

but I promise you'll have a lot of fun.

[grunts]

Not really here to have fun.

Besides, I hate the French.

This is so unlike me!

I touched the bottom! I touched the bottom!

That's it for today.

I appreciate the majority of you

taking this unit seriously.

Remember, your papers are due next week.

Make them great.

So, what do we have here?

[bat phone beeps]

[organ music, footsteps]

What do you got?

Professor Nathan Talloway.

He's been teaching for about a year-and-a-half

but the guy has nothing on his background.

He is a complete ghost.

Is she sleeping with him? Possibly.

Sasha's not telling the truth about her past either.

How do you know that?

She claims she modeled in Croatia for three years,

which is smarter than saying Paris

because it's a memorable detail

that helps sell the lie.

It's called a unique qualifier. I use them all the time.

When she told me, she leaned her head back, looked to the right,

and widened her eyes and touched her lip.

These are non-verbal tells of deception in women.

What about guys? Is she dating anyone?

There's Nicholas Dexter in our criminal justice class

but I don't think it's romantic.

What about him?

He's smart and he's got this boyish charm about him,

but he's not as immature as the other frat boys.

Jesus. [nun gasps] God bless you.

What?

You're into him. Am not!

And BTW's, if anything, he's the one crushing on me.

BTW's? By the way.

Crushing on you? What does that mean?

He kind of asked me out.

Are you gonna go out with him?

I told him that I hate the French.

No, I'm not here to date.

Obviously, but you are here

to investigate anyone that comes into her life.

I'm gonna get some intel on the professor. You investigate Sasha.

And go out with Nicholas.

I don't think going out with Nicholas

is the best way to go about this.

Of course it is. What else?

I'm writing this totally kick-ass paper

about the pros and cons of RICO.

What does that have to do with Alex?

Nothing, I guess.

[talking, dog barking]

How's your head?

Yeah, I know. See you later.

Brook!

Hey, Brook!

Nicholas, hey.

How are you doing?

Did you enjoy the party last night?

Yeah. Just been so busy with school. Yeah.

Wish I could just burn off some steam.

Go to some old jazz club or something, just let loose.

There's that place I told you about in the French Quarter,

but it's swarming with lazy French people.

Maybe they deserve a second chance.

Yeah, tell that to Algeria.

[laughs]

I don't know what that means, but I bet it was really funny.

Yeah, maybe I'll do that.

If you don't mind, I'd love to tag along.

Your balls are amazing.

My balls?

I meant to say that would be amaze-balls. Right.

I think I gotta go.

You okay, Brook?

Yeah, me? I'm great!

I'm the bomb dot com.

All right, well, I'll see you tonight. See you!

[jazz music, laughter]

If you're not from New Orleans, let me hear you scream.

[screaming]

The greatest music created and nobody cares.

You from here?

Listen to that.

That is all about call and response.

You're not into this, are you?

No, I am.

I just wanted to get to know you more.

Me? Well, you're the bigger mystery than me.

Yeah! You come out of nowhere,

you know about motorcycles and RICO statutes,

then suddenly you're this little Kappa girl

who's the bomb dot com and just wants to throw up.

Where are you from?

And that is harmony and interpretation.

Why won't you answer me?

I'm just into this.

Are you hiding something? No.

No, you can ask me anything.

Have you ever killed somebody?

I'm kidding.

You've got a strange sense of humor, Brook.

Yeah. Love it or leave it.

So?

I'm from Florida.

He kept on asking me about a job,

a job this and a job that,

and I said I didn't want a job,

that I was trying really hard in school,

and I was on the baseball team

and I didn't have time for a job.

He just looked at me and told me he was leaving,

that he met a woman,

that he didn't love my mother anymore,

and that I was going to have to take care of her and my sister.

And he told me it just like that,

like he was telling me what to pick up from the store.

And that's why I quit playing baseball in high school.

I'm sorry. I didn't plan on telling you that story. It's okay.

We're at your house again.

One more time around the block?

I've walked you home six times tonight.

Let's make it seven.

So, what about you? Are your parents together?

No, my mom died when I was younger.

No. Did your dad remarry?

What's he do?

[clears throat]

I don't really want to get into it right now, Nicholas.

Don't be mad at me.

l'm not mad, I just--

I've been opening up to you all night,

and you deflect any real question I ask you about yourself.

I just don't trust people that easy.

I don't have the most faith in relationships. That's all.

Why not?

Because I've been there.

I've seen it. People lie and they misrepresent themselves

and they let each other down.

Well, I don't lie.

I don't misrepresent myself.

And as far as I know, I don't let anyone down.

You better be who you say you are,

because I'll know if you're not.

Pull it together, Morris.

[scream]

Oh my God! Look! The Lafitte dolls came in!

Look, aren't they adorable?

I had this terrible dream that Taylor was in our room.

Oh, it really is you.

We have to sell at least a hundred at the event tomorrow.

Okay.

Oh, and Brook, thank you so much for the tip.

I've been drinking like a ton of brandy and I'm feeling a lot better.

And I'm actually fitting into my can't-breathe jeans again.

It's like that amazing time I had the stomach flu.

Anyways, you're the best. I'll talk to you later.

Sleeping. Like I care.

Okay, team.

How are we going to get people dying to buy these dolls?

I know! We can give away a can of my homemade mace as a prize.

[everyone] No.

We can think at something better.

Come on, girls. Let's sell some products.

Cotton, you make your own mace?

Yeah. I'm a chemistry major.

You're a chemistry major?

Yes, Brook.

I'm gonna become a perfumer like Annick Goutal.

They're just upset because my last prototype

burned some holes through leather purses.

But I've perfected it now.

Here. This one's for you.

See, there's a place for keys on it and there's a little flashlight.

Thank you, Cotton.

Use it wisely. [both laugh]

Wait, at least I think that's the one I perfected.

Buy a doll.

Buy a doll, play with balls!

Buy a doll, play with balls.

Didn't Lady Gaga wear that at the \/MA's?

Brook? No.

I recognize your voice.

Well, aren't you just the great detective?

Okay, so let me get this straight.

You're a fighting crawdad who's encouraging people to buy a doll

so that they can play inside of a giant inflatable child's toy

that's more of a liability nightmare than anything else?

Bingo!

Not happening.

The only thing you will be kissing is my ass.

I'm done. I'm done. Screw the dolls, I'm done!

Have you sold many dolls?

Believe it or not, no.

Where's everybody going?

Oh, the Alpha Lambda Alpha carwash.

Alpha car wash?

[cheering, talking]

It's basically prostitution with detergent if you ask me.

They are so lucky they had bad childhoods.

There's no way we're going to sell all of our dolls in two days

with our clothes on.

We have to come up with something.

[screaming, cheering]

Woooo!

We're going to win the Lafitte Cup, I promise you.

How?

Just trust me.

That guy looks so much like Cameron.

Come on. Don't let me down.

There we are.

[shutter clicking]

Dr. Milton? Yes.

Have we met?

No, but I can promise you you're going to want to be my friend.

Really? Really.

The waterbed one's my favorite.

It really brings out your smile.

It would be a great Christmas card.

What do you want?

Here you go, Dr. Milton.

Thank you. I'm happy to help.

You know how important this is to me.

The negatives are in the box.

Are we done?

Yep. See you.

Thank you.

Brook, how'd you do it?

Oh, I just had to convince him

that all the sick kids in his ward

deserve to love crawdaddys like everybody else.

So Christian of him.

Talk about a man with a big heart.

Yep, and he shares it with everybody.

Oh, my God! I can't believe you sold all our dolls!

[cheering]

Son of a bitch.

[knocking]

Brook, hey.

I know we've gotten off to a rocky start

but I want to smooth things over.

Come here.

Sister dysfunction is just so toxic, you know?

Yeah.

Taylor says you helped her water problem,

and Cotton says you've been defending her

when Cameron gets out of hand.

If it wasn't for you, we'd never have sold those dolls

and everybody obvi loves you.

My bracelet.

I would be honored if you were to wear it.

Cool, thanks.

No, really, Brook, where I come from, this is a really big deal.

But this is a bracelet, with the words "Mother Green Earth"

surrounded by real crusted pink moissanites.

Wow. Thanks, Sasha. I love it.

Are you going to put it on?

Duh! [both laugh]

OMFG, it's so cute.

You threw the F in there, so it must be super cute.

Hi, Brook! Good morning.

Good morning, Brook.

Hey, come eat with us.

I'll save you a seat, okay?

Okay, cool.

Where did you get that?

Get what? The bracelet.

Oh, Sasha gave it to me.

That's my bracelet.

That was my mother's bracelet before.

Her name is right there on it.

That says Green Earth.

Your mom's name was Green Earth?

Uh, yeah.

Was she a hippie?

No, Brook. She was 100% Waccamaw-Siouan Indian.

Do you have a problem with that?

No, it's just you don't really look Indian.

I was adopted. Do you have a problem with that?

No. Sasha! Sasha gave it to me.

Sasha, can you came here for a minute, please?

Did you give Brook this bracelet?

What? No, I don't think so.

That's your mother's name, isn't it?

Okay. I see what's going on here.

Oh, my God, Brook.

I think we found our kleptomaniac.

That's my iPod.

That's my Eyelicious moisturizer.

My neck massager?

There's going to be a hearing on this, Brook.

You may be out of the house.

You have no idea who you're messing with.

I guess Cameron was right about you, Brook.

You're no sister of mine.

Sasha set me up. With who?

I didn't steal anything, Cotton. I don't believe you.

Hey, how's it going?

Klepto.

[indistinct]

Tell me something good, please.

I'm sorry, honey, but I checked everything.

I checked the Tenet system, the Texas DMV backlogs.

I checked six other record and notification databases

and there's nothing for a Sasha Stolezinsky.

All right, it's fine. I'll figure it out.

How are you?

I'm going to a meeting. Good.

I love you. I love you, too.

They don't hate you.

Yes, they do.

They think I'm a klepto.

What are you doing?

I'm making sure I still have my wallet.

Stop! I'm serious.

They were just starting to accept me,

and now I've become the enemy,

which, trust me, doesn't help anything.

You're a girl. Didn't you deal with this stuff growing up?

I worked a lot.

What kind of work did you do?

Photography. What, like weddings?

No, more nature photography. Mostly dogs.

They don't hate you, Brook.

Okay, nobody can hate you. Thanks.

I'm really happy you're here. So am I.

You're amazing.

Well, it's actually my balls are amazing.

That doesn't make sense.

You're the one that said it.

I have to go.

Now I have to go.

[crowd noise]

Okay, Sasha.

Here we go.

Oh, it's you.

I was hoping you were a kidnapper.

Nope. Just me. Everybody's least favorite Kappa sister.

You know they already have a nickname for you?

I won't tell you if you don't want to hear it.

Thanks.

Fingers. Fingers Stonebridge.

That's an improvement over Brook, don't you think?

Becky, I'm not a klepto.

What's that?

Something I stole from Sasha's room.

Oh, my God. Becky, you've got to see this.

That's Sasha!

Yeah, but it's not her real name.

There are just so many fake girls in this house.

I just hate fake people, don't you, Sasha?

What do you want?

Your name's Suzy Walters, not Sasha Stolezinsky.

You never modeled in Croatia.

You've never even been to Croatia.

You were working at a Taco Bell when you got your scholarship here,

and you were 40 pounds heavier.

Why do you have a gun, Brook?

Because I'm here looking for someone

who's not who they say they are, and I found you.

Why the lies, Suzy?

Are you going to shoot me?

I doubt it. Why the lies?

Because when I got into college, I had the chance to start over.

All my life, I've been on the outside.

Sweet sixteens and proms and boys.

You don't know what it feels like

to watch it all go by, so you sit on the sideline.

Actually, Suzy, I do.

Who are you?

Your new best friend.

Commencing the Kappa Kappa Zeta disciplinary hearing.

We are all here today to hear Brook Stonebridge's version

of why she stole all our stuff.

[whispers] Allegedly.

I don't know what that word means.

Just say it.

Allegedly.

Brook, what do you have to say for yourself?

Kleptomania is a disease.

It's all about bulimia in this house and I totally get that.

But we shouldn't cast off the kleptomaniac

because they also have a disease.

Would we dump the diabetic?

Abandon the epileptic?

Come on, girls. We're supposed to be sisters.

So with that said, I implore you all to forgive

and open your hearts to a sister in need.

I stole all the stuff and planted it on Brook.

[all gasp]

I knew it.

You better not have used it.

[chattering]

That's sad.

[applause]

Hey Brook, I'm so sorry that I hated you

and spread all those nasty rumors.

What? What?

It is such a relief to let go of the lies.

I'm so happy you all don't hate me.

Well, Brook put it best.

You can't hate the apocalyptic for having a seizure.

Cotton! It's epileptic.

I know! My dog had it once.

Alex!

Alex! Are you okay?

You wouldn't understand.

Try me.

I know you're new and trying to make friends,

but there are problems in the real world

that are a lot bigger than asshole boyfriends or Lafitte dolls.

These problems are very real and way bigger than anything

you need to solve in order to fit in.

Okay.

I have to go.

[car door closes, engine starts]

[guns motor]

[squeals out]

Hey, Alex. Catch.

There's our doggie.

Hey. Don't mind him.

[Molly/Brook] And Professor Talloway?

[bat phone beeps]

We caught the guy who killed Bizzy and he's talking.

That's great.

He led us to this.

No.

No.

His name is Patrick Franklin.

I know liars. And Nicholas isn't one.

His name is Patrick and he outplayed you, Morris.

Accept it.

The guy did a deuce down in Sumter

where he hooked up with a top Kashalov lieutenant.

If he worked with Kashalov on the inside

then obviously he's working with him now on the outside.

This isn't right.

No. What about the Professor? What about what I told you?

Alex is obviously sleeping with him.

I want you to not let this guy out of your sight.

[Kappas sing] There is a house in New Orleans

♪ the Kappa Kappa Z ♪

♪ It's been the savior of many a poor girl and her and you and me ♪

♪ My mama was a KKZ down here in New Orleans ♪

[singing continues, indistinct]

[Kappas cheer]

OM double FG, Brook.

You are gonna be such a good social chairwoman next semester.

Thanks, Sasha. [both say "muah, love ya"]

Oh, shocker.

Wait a minute! You're not Cotton!

Sent.

Wait a sec, hold one just one-- Come back!

[phone beeps]

There you are. What you doing?

You okay? I'm perfectly okay.

Okay...

You know what? Actually, I'm not.

Okay...

See what I did?

I said I was perfectly okay, but I wasn't?

Don't you just hate that? Doesn't that just suck...

when people aren't who or what they say they are?

Brook, I'm not really following.

[second car engine starts]

[squeals out]

Actually, you know what?

Oh, my God! I am so drunk!

I'm a drunk college girl.

You know what I like to do when I'm drunk? Sex it up!

What do you say? You want to sex it up?

Brook, this is a little weird.

It's not that I'm not interested in going there with you.

I'm very interested. Trust me.

It's just the way it's currently being presented to me is a little--

I'm super pumped to get with you this way, Nicholas.

I don't even think we need a safe word.

This is deviant.

Don't you think it's best we work up to this?

I knew you were too good to be true, Patrick.

Who's Patrick? Very cute.

What happened to, "I don't lie?

"I don't misrepresent myself?

"And as far as I know, I don't let anybody down?"

Now I think I might want that safe word.

[Molly grunts]

I thought she was you!

[gasps]

[engine starts]

[water lapping, wildlife sounds]

[growling]

Good gator.

[growling]

Good boy.

[growling]

Professor Talloway's FBI?

If Professor Talloway's FBI, then who is Armon?

[Molly grunting, groaning]

Why didn't he kill me?

[echoing] You have to take this seriously.

Find out who's not who they say they are.

We're gaining momentum right now.

Who's not who they say they are.

We caught the guy who killed Bizzy.

Who's not who they say they are.

Armon.

[groaning]

Professor Talloway!

Professor Talloway?

[Molly grunting]

[Talloway coughs] You're going to be okay.

Brook?

It's Molly.

You're FBI? What happened to you?

I was shot.

Hello? 911 operator.

We need to get an ambulance here to 602 Lanterna Road.

Okay. Stay where you are.

An ambulance is on its way.

You're not with Kasholov, are you?

No, not intentionally.

They hired me. They claimed to be FBI.

I'm just a P.I. from Dallas.

Where is Alex?

They took her.

Why? Why did they take Alex?

Ledgers.

What ledgers?

Accounting ledgers.

Jason had kept Kashalov's books.

A bargaining chip.

But she wouldn't tell anyone where they were.

Not even me.

The bargaining chip. [bat phone beeps]

[sirens approaching] That's what Armon wants.

The ledgers.

Molly. "The killer could be anybody..."

"Somebody who's not who they say they are."

What are you doing?

"Somebody who gets close to Alex."

You're only making this thing worse.

Me. I was the killer the whole time.

Bravo. You pack a mean punch.

Now I know why you didn't kill me.

You needed me to take the fall for you.

Smart. See you actually did learn something in college.

Who's Bizzy?

It doesn't matter now, does it?

You killed her. I did not kill her.

We had to cover our tracks on this thing, okay?

I didn't kill her.

Give me Alex and I give you the ledgers.

You heard me. I found them.

I'll give you fifty thousand for them.

No, you brought me here to protect Alex Patrone...

and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

What are you doing?

You're going to protect some sorority bitch?

You know you really got me with that

"do something real, make a difference, join the FBI" bullshit.

I had to say something.

Answer the phone when it rings.

If you have me followed, the ledgers go to the real FBI.

Yeah. Got it?

Oh, and that sorority bitch is my Kappa sister.

What time did Brook leave the house?

I do not know. I am not my sister's keeper.

What time do you anticipate her return?

[door opens]

Molly Morris?

FBI.

Molly Morris?

Agent Sanderson is very weak,

but he did let us know that you've been helpful.

We checked and there's nobody in the Kashalov family named Armon Ranford.

Then obviously he used a fake name with me.

We'll figure all of that out eventually.

It's what we do.

So thank you for your help, Molly,

but we're going to take over from here.

No!

No. I started the job and I'm going to finish it.

Miss Morris, with all due respect, we're the FBI

and you're a young Pl who specializes in infidelity photography.

Ms. Keller, do you have Alex Patrone?

And "with all due respect," do you have the ledgers?

No.

He brought me hers to find out who the FBI mole was

to lead him to the ledgers and for me to take the fall.

He thinks he got two out of three.

He thinks he killed Agent Sanderson

and I'm gonna take the blame for it.

But he doesn't have the ledgers. Nobody does.

Do you?

No, but I know where they are.

He's waiting for me to call him.

I can deliver him to you, but he's smart.

He's going to throw us a curve and we need to anticipate that.

Why don't you let us worry about that?

I'm telling you, if there's one thing my experience has taught me,

it's always have a contingency.

Brook, what is going on?

What's platinum rule number one in the Kappa chapter book?

Never wear sweatpants.

Rule number two?

A sister in need comes before anything else.

Girls, we have a sister in need.

Molly, the second he grabs the ledgers,

you need to get on the ground quickly.

My roommate's freaked about these. They're due tomorrow.

It doesn't matter that these aren't the real ledgers.

I know.

Once he has them in hand,

we can get him for obstruction. Exactly.

From there, we can deal with him to give up Alex.

[agent in distance] Agent Keller...

We're gonna come in fast and hard.

I found this on a pile of Talloway's graded papers.

Don't tell anybody, but I couldn't agree with you more.

RICO was a complete Nixon hustle.

[crowd noise]

Alpha One, do you have a visual on Molly. Over.

We have her in our sights.

Alpha Two? Affirmative.

[Armon] Molly!

You look great.

Okay, this is it. Be ready people.

Alex who? Where's Alex?

What are you doing?

Here.

I don't want those.

What are you doing?

Excuse me. I actually have to take this call.

Ow! [agents yell]

That was a low portal frequency jammer.

I used to be a fed. Can you imagine that?

Where'd they go?

Somebody give me a location on Armon.

Alpha One, do you have Molly?

Alpha Two?

Now that I think about it,

they actually did teach us how to detect lies.

Yeah, and obviously how to tell them. Totes.

I have to give it to you, Morris.

You know how to play the game.

The ledgers. What are these?

Kashalov never dealt in widgets.

Where are the real ledgers?

I don't know. That's all I have.

Where are the real ledgers?

I don't know. That's all I have.

I'll take care at both of you at once.

Brook! I found the journal thingies you were looking for.

Cotton, not now.

No, not now. Like eight minutes ago.

Who's this?

Brook's dad.

Hi.

Princess, why don't you introduce me to your friend here?

This is Cotton.

You came all the way from Hawaii?

Of course. I'd go anywhere for my little girl.

So where are the journal thingies you were talking about?

Are you okay, Brook?

You're looking at me all weird like I'm being insipid or something.

Where are the journal thingies you were talking about, Cinnamon?

It's Cotton. It doesn't matter.

They're in the Chapter Room.

Thank you so much. Nice meeting you.

You, too.

Don't worry about her. She's a little sedated.

I need you to take me to the Chapter Room.

See what kind of skills you got.

Okay, Molly, it's all going according to plan.

You're doing great. Alex is going to be fine. Just stay calm.

This car is rigged.

If anyone tries to get to Alex

I hit the trigger on this phone and the car explodes.

There's a bomb under the car.

The keys are in his jacket pocket. Go now!

Excuse me.

[Nicholas] Brook! We need to talk!

Oh, no.

Who the hell is this?

A guy I'm dating.

You're dating this guy?

Wait a minute. You're dating?

No not this guy! Really?

What the hell is going on?

Is he a student?

I can't talk about this right now.

Why not?

When do you have time to date someone?

Where's the chapter room, Molly?

Who the hell is Molly? Hold on a second.

You handcuff me to a radiator,

you bust me in the head, then steal my bike.

It was nothing personal.

Wasn't personal? You led me on!

You tricked me into liking you, then beat me down.

It's not a good-- You like me?

When this is all over, I would like a proper introduction.

Where the hell is the Chapter Room?

It's right there!

Come on.

Where are the ledgers, huh?

[spraying sound]

Mace. What is that?

No, it's not. Yes, it is.

No, Nicholas.

What's your problem?

[yells]

What you got Bonus Jonas? Bring it.

[shouting, crashing]

Bravo, but you know all I have to do

is press nine on this thing

and that car blows up.

You're lying. Am I?

Because you and I both know how easy it is to make a cocktail

out of nitrocellulose and ketone, slide it under the back seat.

You recognize this phone, don't you?

It's outfitted with the discontinued 6300 vibrator

that can send a signal.

Give me the gun.

Give me the gun!

You still want to see if I'm bluffing or not, don't you?

No.

Here we go. No!

I don't think so.

Who's that?

I'm the contingency.

I think I gotta sit down.

[groans]

[groans]

You're in big trouble, Armon.

There's no boys allowed in the chapter room.

Oh, everything's so pink.

Alex!

Hey, Molly!

Oh, my God. How did you--

Well, Sasha.

It's a disease.

Good klepto.

How'd I do?

You did great, Cotton.

[Armon] Put me in, Coach!

No more of that stinking root beer.

Drop and give me 20, God. Drop and give me 20!

The FBI's gonna be here soon. Why don't you go watch him?

[sirens approaching]

I need the ledgers now, Alex.

Yeah.

[Armon] I want to go to Candy Mountain,

and float on the tears of unicorns.

Are those real?

I got the kill shot from here, but I don't know if I can pay!

Maybe I put too much basidiomycoda fungus in the mace?

It's glorious.

Wait, maybe I wasn't supposed to put basidiomycoda fungus in the mace.

[laughing, then crying]

You can turn that car into a jungle gym if you want, girls.

Knock yourself out.

I missed you.

I am so proud of you.

I'm proud of you, too.

Well, I'm your father, so let me be proud first.

Good work, Morris. The FBI could use someone like you.

Thank you, but I think I'm gonna stick around here and go to college.

But my dad could use some help getting back on the force.

Molly. What?

We'll see what we can do.

Make it happen.

The ledgers.

The ledgers?

Consider it done, Morris.

Welcome back.

Thank you.

You're gonna be a cop again.

Brook.

Dad, this is Nicholas.

Hi. Nice to meet you, sir.

Who hit you?

Your daughter.

Yeah, she did.

Yeah. I'm just gonna leave you guys to get to know each other.

Hey, Brook. It's Molly.

I mean, Molly. Come over here.

Wait, her name's Molly?

I'm a cop, Nicholas. Just something to think about.

I'm so proud of you guys.

OMG, we are so bad ass.

I'm really happy you're my sorority sister.

Me, too.

I hear some of those Easy Alpha girls

have infiltrated the Sorority Council.

How do we know who they are?

We'll go undercover.

[all laugh]

[Cotton] Wait, are we with the FBI now?

Do we get a gun?

Can I have a pink gun?

Why did you do that?

What're you doing, Sherlock?

Cotton's dating this new guy

so I told her I'd check him out for her.

Ah, yes. Nature photography.

So what's up with this guy?

So far, so good.

He's getting his PhD in Quantum physics,

so they'll definitely be on the same page intellectually.

That's cool for you to do that for her,

because people often aren't who they say they are, you know?

They lie. Molly, they let each other down.

How long are you gonna do this for?

A couple of years. Maybe ten.

Ten years.

You're the detective. Why don't you figure it out?

This is getting in the way.

Let's go everybody. Watch the lights, guys.

Ready, and background...

I myself am an Aikido man.

Aikido is a fashionable way for fat housewives

to lose weight at their local Equinox.

Are you calling me a fat housewife?

Yep.

Look...

I'm a fat housewife in an--

- Yes. - Really?

And rolling.

[silly noises]

[evil crazy laugh]

Let's go guys.

Let's make a movie.

Quiet, please.

I'm not like most girls.

Well, Brook Stonebridge is--

Who's Brook Stonebridge?

[laughing]

Set, and...

Sorry, but these are so fucking spicy.

[coughs, everyone laughs]

That's an entrance!

I'll find out if you're not.

[Miley screams and runs]

I'll find out if you're not.

All right.

[both crack up]

Still rolling, and ready.

What am I doing? For real?

Dude. Wait. Now what do you want me to do?

Jump off the side?

___ me. What am I doing?

Ju-jit-su.

You're well-versed in ju-jit-su.

You heard of the--

[nonsense babble] Ju-jit-su.

If that ends up anywhere, I'm gonna kill you.

I'm like, totally undercover.

I'm like, so undercover.

I'm so undercover.