Original subtitles

(cash register rings)

- [Woman Voiceover] Ground floor, perfumery,

stationary, and leather goods.

Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food.

(soft jazz music)

First floor, telephones, gents ready made suits.

Shirts, socks.

- There we are and I do hope

the hat gives every satisfaction.

- I'm sure it will.

- Anyway, I said to Mr. Rumbold,

I said I don't want to be stood stuck here.

I want to be considered for advancement.

So he put me down.

- Do you mean he told you to up it?

- No, he put me down on the list.

So if anything comes up in the executive line,

I'm in line for it.

- If you get promotion, does that mean

I'll get your job?

- Well normally they'd give my job

to somebody of my age.

What's the matter, you look very depressed?

- I was just thinking, I might not live that long.

(laughter)

- Are you being served, sir?

Which is a silly question,

because I can see that you're not.

- I'd like a raincoat, please.

- Yes, raincoat rail, Mr. Lucas.

- Raincoat rail coming up.

Gaberdine or plastic, sir?

- Plastic, please.

- Let me see.

You look like a 44 long to me.

In what color, sir?

- Preferably black.

- Yes you can't go wrong with black.

- One black plastic mac.

- Thank you.

Would you like to slip this on?

- Thank you very much.

- These are very useful.

They roll up very small

and you can carry them in your little transparent

pixie hood.

(laughter)

- Do you have a mirror?

(laughter)

- Is the color suitable?

- Oh yes, yes the color's perfect.

It is a little noisy, though, isn't it?

- You know, we've never had that complaint before.

Have we?

- No we haven't, Mr. Humphries.

- See, I don't want to draw attention to myself.

- Perhaps if you did it a bit quicker?

- No, no the speed is rather critical.

- Gabardine will be quieter.

- One side of gaberdine coming up.

- You're probably asking yourself,

now why does this gentleman

have such a specific requirement for a black plastic mac.

- Yes, as a matter of fact

I was asking myself that

and I told myself it was none of my business.

(laughter)

- You see, I work for a big magazine,

as a photographer, you know the kind

of thing, leaping out on well known personalities,

catching them in an off guard moment, as it were.

Look, let me show you this.

Now there's a remote control button

goes from here through the pocket of the coat

and all I have to do is give

to give it the right exposure.

Now watch.

(laughter)

- Would you mind doing that again?

- My friends call me Candid Cameron.

- Well if you wear this, they'll call you Gaberdine Angus.

(laughter)

- Oh yes.

Oh that's so much better.

- Mr. Humphries, can you spare a moment?

- Certainly, Captain Peacock.

- What exactly is going on?

- Well this gentleman is practicing his exposure.

(laughter)

- Well I know it takes all sorts

to make a world but may I suggest

that you and your friend confine such activities

to your leisure hours?

- The ambulance has just arrived, Mr. Rumbold

and the stretcher will be out in a couple of seconds.

- What do you think it is?

- I think it's food poisoning.

- Soon as I noticed rizzo on the executive

dining room menu, I thought to myself,

I hope he didn't make that out of Wednesday's

shepard pie because it wasn't all that cooked

when it was (mumbles) on Tuesday.

(laughter)

- They were fish rizzos.

- Ah, that was Monday's cod.

- I think I've got glands coming up behind my ear.

- That's a good job you mention that,

cause we might never of spotted it.

(laughter)

- Whats going on?

- Ambulance men have gone into Mr. Rumbold's office.

Oh whatever happening, Mr. Harman?

- Mr. Rumbold's been taken queer.

- Anything I can do?

(laughter)

- Have any idea what caused it?

- Rizzo.

(laughter)

- I asked you a perfectly civil question.

- In this way, please.

- [Man] Oh here he comes.

Get out of the way, get out of the way.

- Oh I must say.

Oh what a shame, he's just had his shoes sold a nail.

- I think he's going into a coma.

- Blimey, don't say he had the trico pudding as well.

- We think it's food poisoning.

- Poor Mr. Rumbold.

- He doesn't look very good, does he?

- I had an uncle who had rizzos once

and he went stiff all over.

- Was that food poisoning?

- No, rigor mortis.

- May I saw on behalf of the department

how sorry we are all and wish you a speedy recover, sir?

- If you don't come back, we'll treat like Nelson.

On the spot in the canteen where you fell,

we'll have brass rizzo.

- Just a moment.

Sir, have you set the machinery in motion

for a replacement?

- That will be up to young Mr. Grace.

- Well perhaps you'll put in a good for me, sir.

- Oh sir, I would be most happy

to step into your shoes if you wish.

- I think the most suitable person

to take over in my absence would be,

would be, would be.

- He was trying to form a name beginning with an S.

- What are you talking about?

That was his breath escaping.

(Rumbold panting)

- H, Humphries, it's me.

(laughter)

- He's shaking his head, it's not you.

(mumbling)

- Lou, Lou, Lou, Lucas.

He's trying to say Lucas

- No, no he's trying to say loosen his tie.

Come on, love.

This is Mrs. Slocombe, loosening your tie.

Now can you try and point to the one

you want to take over from you?

- He's pointing to my leg.

See it's me.

- No he's passed out.

It's the sedative I've given him.

Come along, bring him along.

- We'll take him down by the service lift.

- Good idea and give him a short service on the way out.

- Thank you doctor for letting me know.

It was food poisoning.

- Oh he shouldn't of ate that rizzo.

- Fancy anyone ordering rizzos in our canteen.

The man's a fool to himself.

(laughter)

- Well he does put a lot of strain on you, sir.

I mean, you was hoping to go away

for the bank holiday.

Will you be able to have it off now, sir?

(laughter)

- What did you say?

- Will you be able to have it off now?

- It's a bit soon after lunch.

(laughter)

Let's do some letters.

- Excuse me, Mr. Grace, sir

but members of the united (mumbles) department

is here to ask who you require to take

over Mr. Rumbold's office.

- Oh very well.

- Mr. Grace will see you now.

- Any news of our dear colleague, sir?

- Oh he'll be as right as rain

in a couple of weeks.

- Have you any idea who's going to take over, Mr. Grace?

Bearing in mind that I have applied for promotion

on a number of occasion.

- And bearing in mind that I have

a lifetime's experience.

- Ah yes, well it's a very important post.

Couldn't have any as old as you.

- With all due deference, there is a precedent

for someone of great age holding a position

of authority in this store.

Namely yourself.

- There's a great difference between you and me.

- In what way?

- I own the place, you don't.

(laughter)

- Well, if you're looking for someone

with drive, tact, ingenuity, class,

and charisma, I know the very person

but he's too modest to mention his name.

So I'll just point.

- I think ladies ought to be given a chance.

- Yes but you wait til after the bell

and you'll get yours.

(laughter)

Here I've already made some notes.

Captain Peacock, TVF.

That's too valuable on the floor.

Goldberg, PI.

- Practically irreplaceable?

- Past it.

(laughter)

But a question mark against Mr. Humphries.

- That's the story of my life.

Ms. Brahms, I see to remember we've got her down

as a possible.

- No, that on the other list, sir.

- Oh I see yes.

Mrs. Slocombe.

Worth trying in a new position.

That sounds like the other list as well.

(laughter)

- If I do get it, I'll throw myself

into it, body and soul.

- Unless you're gonna invest

in a reinforced chair, Mr. Grace,

I'd just settle for the soul.

- I must state here and now

that I would not submit to any arrangement

where by Mrs. Slocombe was over me.

- Oh she won't be over you.

- have I got it, have I got it?

- If she has, I shall resign.

- She's got it.

- As I was saying, I shall resign myself

to my fate.

(chuckles)

But I trust that I shall still

be in jurisdiction on the floor.

- Done.

- Hey if she's got a promotion,

does that mean I've got her job?

- I would like to point out here and now

that Ms. Brahms does not have the experience

for such a responsible job and I say that

as head of department.

- Without any jurisdiction on the floor.

- I suggest that you advertise

the vacancy for my post.

- Yes, and get on to your friend of the tailor

and cutter, Mr. Humphries and insert an advertisement.

Wanted, crabby old bag to be dragon in charge

of ladies intimate apparel.

Age indeterminate.

- Thank you so much for being so helpful

and so quick.

- Oh thank you madam, do call again.

- I will, thank you.

- Thank you, miss.

Third sale this morning, Ms. Brahms.

- Well I've got the scope now, haven't I?

I mean I never got a looking when she was here.

- Your extra supervisors frills are most becoming.

- Oh thank you, Captain Peacock.

I say, she's a bit late, isn't she?

- Well executive staff, or so called executive staff

are not expected to be in before 9:30.

It is now precisely 9:30.

(cheering)

Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh no, these executive briefcases are heavy

- Brought your sandwiches with you, have you?

- Captain Peacock, reprimand your junior, would you?

- Mr. Lucas, that was very naughty.

(laughter)

- Mrs. Slocombe, for you

to wish you luck, the first day in your new job.

Nobody deserves it better.

- Oh blue, to match my eyes.

- I thought they were blue to match her varicose veins.

(laughter)

- Now stay calm, any little problem,

don't hesitate to ask me.

- Mr. Humphries if you're quite finished

crawling would you get on with your duties?

- Captain Peacock, a member of the staff

is having a confab with a senior executive.

Kindly don't interrupt.

- You're forgetting, Mrs. Slocombe,

that I'm in charge on this floor

and that particular member of the staff

is under my jurisdiction.

- Well Mr. Grace will give a ruling on that point.

- Well in the meantime, if you have anything

further to say, Mr. Humphries, say it

and get back to your duties.

- I just wanted to say how lady like Mrs. Slocombe looks

and how, how nice and restrained she is

considering you're being so aggravating.

(laughter)

- When the candidates for my vacant post arrive,

show them into my office, would you?

- Well personnel have already informed me

that they can't find anyone even remotely

interested in taking your position

at the ridiculously low wage you were receiving.

- Well they'll just have to pay more then

because Ms. Brahms certainly isn't experienced enough

to be on her own.

- Oh cheek, did you know I've done

twice as much business as her of a morning

and I even haven't had coffee yet.

- Your talents have been noted and approved, Ms. Brahms.

(laughter)

- You know that was the most terrible

exhibition of sucking up to teacher

I've seen since I was a kid at kindergarten.

- I always believe in having friends in high places.

- Is that why you went on that climbing holiday

with a that steeple jack?

(laughter)

- He wasn't a steeple jack,

he was a lumber jack and we went pot holing.

You know, he saved my life when I damaged

my equipment on a stalagmite?

- Are those the ones that go up?

- Well this one did.

(laughter)

- Oh my own office.

I shall stamp my personality on it.

- Should you require an emergency cupper,

there's an electric kettle in the bottom left hand drawer.

- What are you doing, Mr. Harman?

- I'm removing Mr. Rumbold's executive soap,

face flannel, and towel, which is mandatory

for the executive cars.

You of course will be supplying your own.

- Will I get a key?

- Oh yeah get a key to the executive car

from Mr. Brancroft theater bookings.

Will you also be requiring Mr. Rumbold's

supplementary supply of merengues?

- Oh yes, they'll come in nice for afternoon tea.

I wonder, I've just brought my little camera

and would you mind taking a picture of me

at my executive desk?

- Yes, certainly, Mrs. Slocombe.

Right, oh I can get you,

I can get the executive desk but not both.

Could you sit down?

Hang on a minute, this is gonna be a very very

historical picture.

I'll get you the moment you sit.

Right?

Right.

(whoopee cushion farts)

(laughter)

There's a note pinned to it.

- I'm sure you'll be a big noise in Grace Brothers.

Signed, Mr. Lucas.

Oh well, one little practical joke I can overlook

but I shall have to tell him

that he's a naughty boy.

(laughter)

- Right, who's with and who's without?

- I'm with.

- I'm with.

- One with, two with.

- thank you.

You're with aren't you?

- No, I've always been without.

(laughter)

- And a glass of hot water for you, Mr. Goldberg.

- Thank you, thank you.

Oh damn.

I've forgotten my indigestion tablets.

- Well nevermind, just drink the hot water

and we'll hoist the girl warnings over the counter.

- You know it's not the same without Mrs. Slocombe.

- No, it isn't.

It's much more pleasant.

- I've got news for you, Mr. Goldberg,

she's managed to persuade Mr. Grace

to cough up for a two piece made to measure

executive suit and you've got to take

some patterns to her office at three o'clock.

- Well I'm not going.

I'll send my junior.

- Thank you so much for the lunch, Mr. Grace.

Perhaps we can continue our discussion

on the effects of television

on the retail trade tomorrow?

- I wasn't talking about that rubbish.

I just said I fancied that bird

who did the Turkish delight ads.

(laughter)

Well good day, everybody.

- [All] Good day, Mr. Grace.

- How's Ms. Brahms getting on?

- Oh very well indeed, sir.

We don't notice Mrs. Slocombe's absences at all.

In fact, the figures are up.

- Well I'm sure that's only temporary.

Anyway, I think I'll join my staff for coffee.

I'll see you later, Mr. Grace.

- Good.

Well you've all done very well.

- [All] Thank you, Mr. Grace.

- Ms. Brahms, you're sitting in my seat.

- No, I'm not.

This used to be your seat before you was elevated.

Now I've got your job, I'm sitting here.

- You're getting a bit above yourself, Ms. Brahms

and what are you doing with those frills?

Those are supervisors frills and you're not entitled

until you're established

and you're only temporary and if you don't

move over, I'll make you take them off.

- You hold your ground.

- and you shut your gob.

(laughter)

- Mrs. Slocombe, I would deem it an honor

if you'd have my seat.

- Oh thank you, Mr. Humphries.

I can see you're going to go a long way.

- On his hands and knees.

- Would you pass the sugar?

Well, what were we all discussing?

- The fact that it is one minute to two.

Time we were all back in the department.

(laughter)

- Would you like my spoon, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Mr. Humphries.

(laughter)

(laughter)

- Hello operator.

Have there been any calls for me?

What none at all?

Oh, I see.

Well if there are any calls for me,

make sure you out them straight through.

(laughter)

I must remember to bring a little cake fork, tomorrow.

Oh how nasty.

(laughter)

Hello, office equipment.

This is Mrs. Slocombe, head of gents and ladies apparel.

Could you send me up some green blotting paper please?

I mean this pink mucks so common.

You have to supply the pink until it runs out?

Well when will that be?

1992?

Thank you very much.

(laughter)

Hello, cosmetic.

Ms. Comlozi please.

Oh hello, Edna love.

It's Mrs. Slocombe.

I don't know if you've heard

but I've just been made head

of men's and ladies apparel

and I was wondering, could you possibly

send up some samples of cosmetics and toiletries

suitable for the executive washroom?

Oh no, love I couldn't possibly come down there.

I'm rushed off me feet this new department.

Oh thank you.

I'm much obliged.

(laughter)

(humming) (laughter)

Hello, Ms. Brahms?

- Hello.

- This is Betty, here, dear.

I'm sorry, I was a bit short with you

at the dinner table

but I've been rushed off me feet.

- Well what have you phoned me for?

- Well I missed our little morning chat

and I was wondering if you'd like to pop

in for a cup of tea.

You'll never guess what happened to me

and Mrs. Axelbell last night.

We went to this roller disco.

- I haven't got time now.

I've got a 3,000 pound fur coat customer.

- but I've saved you a merengue.

- And I've got a crocodile handbag waiting.

- I see.

Have you taken those frills off your blouse yet?

- No.

- Well see to it.

(laughter) (knock at door)

Just a moment.

Enter.

Yes, you have my authority to proceed with that order

but I want delivery in three days

or you can forget it.

I'm sorry, that's my last word.

- She's a tarter, isn't she?

- Especially when there's nobody

on the other end of the phone.

She's still got her finger on the list.

- Well if John Lewis can make you a better offer,

I suggest you get on with it

but don't come running back to me.

Oh, have you come about the suit?

- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe, I brought the swatches.

Now may I suggest a nice 16 ounce (mumbles)

in a charcoal gray?

It's very executive.

- It will go very nicely with the (mumbles)

rolled umbrella.

- You'll need to the take the measurements,

Mr. Lucas, there's not need for comment.

- Oh yes I like that

and stripes are very slimming, aren't they?

- Well let's put it this way,

have you ever seen a fat zebra?

(laughter)

- Shall we just try this one on for the style?

This one's doubled bosomed.

Now what do you think of the effect?

- She looks like Rocky Marciano.

(laughter)

- Will you be adding trousers or a skirt?

- Or black stockings and thigh length boots?

- We're going to ignore you, Mr. Lucas.

- You know it's a pity you're going to ignore me

because I can tell you a very good reason

why trousers would suit Mrs. Slocombe.

- And why is that?

- They'll hide your legs.

- One more remark from you and you're out.

- Shall we settle for this then

but in the ladies style?

- Yes, that will do very nicely.

- Measurements, Mr. Lucas.

- Measurements coming up, Mr. Humphries.

(laughter)

Breathe out.

- I am breathed out.

- Why didn't you bring the 60 inch tape?

- Because our stock only goes up to 42.

- We'll have to improvise.

42 and a pencil.

Waist.

- 42 and a rubber.

(laughter)

- Hips.

Oh my god.

Here we are.

42 and the week ending October the 5th.

(laughter)

(knock at door)

- Enter.

- I've brought your samples.

- Oh yes.

Would you excuse me?

I have to choose my cosmetics and toiletries

for the executive powder room.

- Oh, well we'll be off.

- Oh not you Mr. Humphries, I value your opinion.

- Tell Captain Peacock I'll be out in a minute.

- Certainly, I'll tell Captain Peacock

you're helping Mrs. Slocombe choose her new kit

for the bog.

- Sorry bout that Mrs. Slocombe.

Juniors have no finesse.

- Oh yes.

He's as common as mac.

- Right.

- Oh look at all those soaps.

Can I smell that one?

Oh yes, that's a very strong scent.

- I sell that to Mr. Davies, head of garden furniture.

- Oh, is he the one that's always moving his gnomes about?

- That's the one.

- My mother could do with a gnome.

- This has a nice marble finish.

So suitable for the environment.

- Yes, we must consider the environment.

What's the decor?

- Well, sort of red plush and arpic.

(laughter)

- Well now, they started this end at 50 pence

and they go up at this end to six pounds.

- I'll have this one.

- One carbolic, 50 pence.

(laughter)

Now we come to the hand towels and flannels.

This is your luxury first quality Turkish.

Modesty priced at eight pounds each.

- It's tough at the top.

- I think that's rather ostentatious.

- Oh agree.

- Alternatively you have your Egyptian,

your Lancashire, your Hong Kong,

or plain disposable.

We have a luxury disposable made from seaweed

and plastic waste.

Indistinguishable from the Turkish.

- Feels like sandpaper.

- Well yes, I should warn you

don't clean your glasses on them

or you'll get frosted lenses.

(laughter)

- How much?

- One pound a dozen.

- Done.

- Shall you require a ladies razor?

- Yeah, she could shave the towels with it.

(laughter)

- Certainly not.

- I'll have these put on your account.

Silly old bitch.

(laughter)

- Fancy cat.

- Now then.

What's it like being in charge?

- Well, between you and me it's not all

it's cracked up to be.

There's nothing to do and there's nobody to talk to

and I miss the customers.

- Well couldn't you come back?

- Oh no, that would be to admit failure

and that stuck up Captain Peacock

could never stop laughing at me

but I do miss you all.

- Well you'll have to make up your mind quick

because two weeks as management

and you're automatically out the union

then you can't come back.

- Well look, if Ms. Brahms' figures dropped,

then you could suggest to Captain Peacock

that I'm indispensable.

Then I could return with honor.

- I'll do me best.

(knock at door)

- Enter.

- Excuse me, Mrs. Slocombe.

I have to ask you to authorize acceptance

of a customer's check.

- 3,000 pounds?

What's that for?

- Heres the bill, it's a fur coat

just sold by Ms. Brahms.

- Probably a flash in the pan.

- Would you sign this one too?

A crocodile handbag, 340 pounds.

- Yeah what?

- And that set of aqua marine costume jewelry

that you said you'd never shift

in a month of Sundays, 239,

making 3,579 pounds in all.

Thank you.

- You know, it's not gonna be easy for me

to convince Captain Peacock

that you're indispensable.

- Well I can't resign.

Slocombe?

- Rumbold here.

- It's Mr. Rumbold.

Just a moment, Mr. Rumbold.

How are you, are you fit to come back?

- [Rumbold] No I shall be at least another couple of weeks.

- Oh dear.

- Now pay attention.

They've analyzed the canteen rizzo and it wasn't

that that poisoned me.

- Well what was it then?

- [Rumbold] Well, my wife made some merengues

and it seems that the cream

in the merengues has acted as host

to a rather unusual bug.

I took three of them to work, I had one of them.

There are two, there are two merengues

still in the top left hand drawer of my desk.

Don't touch them yourself.

Get Harman to put on a pair of rubber gloves

and then tell him immediately

to drop them into a plastic bag

and after that, to throw them into the furnace.

(laughter)

- Oh such a pity when you had your foot

in the first rung of the management ladder.

- Does this mean that I'll have to come back

behind the counter?

- To be realistic, I'm afraid it does.

- it's been no fun here without you to nag me.

Hurry up and get well and come back.

- Yes but not before Mr. Rumbold.

- How are you feeling, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Well, put it this way.

Me tummy's in turmoil but me minds at peace

lou, lou, lou.

- Lou, lou, lou, she's trying to say Lucas.

- No I'm not.

I want to go to the loo.

(laughter)

(applause)

(soft instrumental music)