Original subtitles

("Are You Being Served Theme")

♫ Ground floor for perfumery, stationery, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up ♫

- [Mr. Lucas] Cheerio Mr. Tebbs!

All the best!

- Don't forget to come back and see us!

Oh I hope he's doing the right thing.

- Well, he could have stayed another five years

but that would only increase his pension by a pound a week.

- Yeah, which at the present going rate would only afford

him three loaves of bread.

- I think he was fat enough already.

- Oh look he's left his farewell cake.

- Oh look he's left his teeth marks in it.

(audience laughing)

- Isn't it marvelous?

60 years faithful service,

and the only sign that he's passed this way

are his teeth marks in a bun.

Makes you thinks doesn't it?

- When you go Mr. Humphries,

what do you think you'll leave behind?

- Well, I haven't really thought.

I expect my aftershave will linger

on my bill pad for a couple of sales.

After that nothing.

- Oh what a depressing conversation.

- Yes I agree, and it isn't like that.

It isn't just teeth marks in a cake.

Think of all the happy memories he left behind.

- Yes, let's each think of a happy memory.

- Well, what sort of a memory?

- Well, anything that he did

or said that was unforgettable.

- Who?

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Tebb's, the old assistant we've just

given this farewell party for.

- Ah oh him, he never said anything unforgettable.

- Oh, he must have done.

- Well, if he did I'm damned if I can remember it.

(audience laughing)

- I remember something.

- Good, you see when you try it all comes flooding back.

What was it?

- He used to shovel his custard up like a bucket dredger.

(audience laughing)

- Well, that's awful.

- Here, who do you think's gonna get the job?

- Well, names have been mentioned on the sixth floor.

- Whose?

- I'm not at liberty to tell.

- You mean you don't know.

- As senior management of course I know.

- Well, if you don't tell us who it is,

we'll never know whether you knew or not, will we?

- Very well,

but you must treat this as strictly confidential.

They're going to advertise for a new man.

- Well, that's the limit.

I've been here 16 years, man and boy.

Mostly boy.

(audience laughing)

At least you'd think they'd have the courtesy

to pay me the compliment of considering me.

- Yes, instead of casting you aside

like a wrinkled old tomato found

going moldy at the back of the fridge.

- Mr. Lucas, there must be something else

that's cast aside that's more attractive than that.

- Mr. Humphries, the post they're advertising is the junior.

- They can't do that, I'm the junior.

- Well, Mr. Grace, in his wisdom, has decree

that you will be taking over from Mr. Humphries.

- Mr. Humphries?

- Well, where is Mr. Humphries going?

- Mr. Humphries is to be the new senior.

- No.

- Yes.

- You're joking.

- I'm not.

- Cross your heart and hope to die.

- Scout's honor.

(sobbing)

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I'm so happy.

Oh, oh, oh, it's started me leg off.

(audience laughing)

Oh, this hasn't happened to me since

I was a prefect in me primary.

- Is there anything we can do to stop it?

- No, it's all right, it'll turn to hiccups in a minute.

(hiccups)

There, told you.

- Now, what do we do?

- Well, my teacher, Miss Haswell,

she used to get one of the boys

to creep up behind me, and give me a surprise.

(audience laughing)

- Did it work?

- No, but he still writes to me from Capri.

(audience laughing)

- Are they feeling better now?

- Oh yes, they're much, much better, yes.

You know, it always happens just before a storm.

My brain picks up the electrical vibrations,

and sends a message down to my bunions,

and they start throbbing.

- But it's a lovely day,

the storm was last night.

- Yeah, but it takes a long time to get

a message to any part of my body these days.

(audience laughing)

- Drat! My suspender's gone.

- [Mr. Grace] Oo! Ah! Oh!

- That message got through quickly enough.

- But it didn't have so far to go, did it?

(phone ringing)

- Here you are.

- Hello?

- Rumbold here, sir.

I'm afraid I must have a decision.

You were going to make up your mind

as to whether Mr. Humphries was taking

over as senior salesman.

Now, the question is,

is he or isn't he?

- People have been asking me that for years.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I think we should put him on probation.

- I didn't know the case had come up.

Anyway, I can't stop here chatting with you,

I'm in hot water with my nurse.

- Well, what do you think, sir?

- More hot water, sir.

- Yes.

- Thank you, sir.

- Here you are, sir.

I think you'll find that's all right now.

- Yes, would you leave now, Mr. Harman.

I have a meeting to discuss a confidential matter.

- Oh, I see.

Just 'cause I'm a humble member

of the packing and maintenance department,

I'm not suppose to know what

the higher echelon is talking about.

(knocking)

- Well, you could put it like that.

- We're outside, sir.

- People who knock usually are.

Come in.

(audience laughing)

- Seeing as this is a confidential meeting,

I shall wipe from my mind the fact that I have seen you.

I'm sorry.

- Now, I have some news for you regarding

the vacancy on the men's counter.

I have been officially authorized to offer

the post to Mr. Humphries.

- May I be the first to congratulate you, Mr. Humphries?

- Thank you.

- Yes, congratulations, indeed.

- Thank you.

- It's not often a man of your age gets this position.

How does it feel?

(mumbling)

- He's says he's very happy.

(mumbling)

Could he please go and phone his mother?

(mumbling)

- What did he say then?

- I don't know.

- I said, is there any more money?

(audience laughing)

- You will receive grade H4-B with increment

and London weighting.

- How much is that?

- Oh, that is between Mr. Humphries and the management,

but I do have the figure written down here.

(sobbing)

(audience laughing)

Now, this will, of course, leave a gap

in the men on the counter.

And there have been numerous discussions,

at boardroom level,

as to who should takeover Mr. Humphries position.

It was suggested that we should ask Mr. Humphries

if Mr. Lucas is capable.

The question is,

is he ready for it?

- I'm ready for it.

- We weren't asking you, Mr. Lucas.

- Perhaps it'd be more to the point

if you ask me what I think,

but I don't think he's ready for it.

- Capt. Peacock, as senior assistant

I think it's up to me to decide whether he's ready for it.

- I entirely agree with Mr. Humphries.

And I don't want the fact that

I'm Mr. Humphries best friend to influence

him one way or the other.

- You're not, and it won't.

(audience laughing)

- Well, is he ready for it?

- Let me put it this way,

he's as ready as he'll ever be.

I do believe in giving youth a chance.

- Mr. Lucas, you have the post,

and here is your increase.

(sobbing)

(audience laughing)

- A pound is not to be sneezed at.

- May I ask, who will be taking Mr. Lucas's place?

- Ah, we shall advertise in the press

saying that we need a worthy replacement for Mr. Lucas.

- Well, in that case, may I suggest

an advertisement in the agony column of the Beano.

(audience laughing)

(cash register tinging)

- On behalf of the ladies' department,

may I congratulate you on your promotion, Mr. Humphries.

You were always a cut above the rest.

I'm glad you've got on.

- Thank you, Mrs. Slocombe.

You'll forgive me if I don't make a speech.

It's been a very emotional morning.

- It's not over yet, Mr. Humphries.

You have to take your place at the counter,

in the senior position.

- Here we go.

I feel like a bride walking down the aisle.

(audience laughing)

Oh look, all the floor's worn away

where the seniors have stood.

- The handing over ceremony, Mr. Harman.

- Your honor.

- Your fitter's pin cushion.

Your chalk for made-to-measure fittings.

And of course, your tape.

Not in the pocket, Mr. Humphries.

The senior assistant is allowed to wear it around his neck.

- Oh.

(audience laughing)

Me leg's gone again.

- Mr. Lucas, you too have a new position to take up.

- Of course.

(audience laughing)

- That's the easiest quid you've ever earned.

- We expect to have some candidates

for the new post by Thursday.

Mr. Rumbold is most anxious that the new man

should fit into the team,

so he'd like us all to stay behind

after closing time that evening

to interview the applicants.

It's now time for the assistant salesman's tea break.

Where are you going, Mr. Humphries?

- My tea break, Capt. Peacock.

- You're not the assistant, Mr. Humphries.

You're the senior.

- When is the senior's tea break?

- An hour ago, you missed it.

(audience laughing)

- Not all roses at the top, is it?

(cash register tinging)

- Now, the candidates are all in my office,

so Mr. Harman if you'll introduce them for us,

we can begin.

- Very good, sir.

Warwick's gonna give me a hand.

You standing by, Warwick?

- I'm standing by.

- Call in Mr. Webster.

- Call in Mr. Webster.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Rodney Webster.

26 years with Derry & Toms covering haberdashery,

stationery, and notions.

10 years with Pontings in fabrics.

Two years at Gabbages in garden sheds.

Recently working at the Bow Wow pet shop

Tooting Broadway, temporarily unemployed.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Webster, how old are you?

- Eh?

(audience laughing)

- How old are you?

- 48.

(audience laughing)

- And why did you leave your position at the pet shop?

- I was savaged by a hamster.

(audience laughing)

- You do look rather delicate, Mr. Webster.

Do you think you're up to an eight-hour day?

- You can't sit down, you know.

- This is the first time I've sat down

since I was savaged by that hamster.

- How's your product knowledge?

- What's that?

- Well, can you tell me how

the following differ one from another.

Nylon, Orlon, Ban-Lon, and Tygon.

- I haven't got the job, have I?

(audience laughing)

- Well, we do have one or two more people to see.

- Well, how shall we leave it then?

- We'll let you know.

- Oh, God bless you, sir.

Thank you very much.

I live in a packing case in Covent Garden.

You can't miss it, it's got bananas written over it.

Oh yes, and it's the only one with a chimney.

(audience clapping)

- That could be any one of us.

- After all those years at Derry & Toms,

to be reduced to that.

- Oh, go after him Mr. Harman,

and see if he'd like a cup of tea in the canteen.

- He's been here since three o'clock.

He's had four shepherd's pies,

15 cups of tea, and an apple crumble.

Then, he did a song and dance with spoons,

and collected six quid.

So, I reckon he's okay.

- Well, next please.

- Very good.

Call in Mr. Beauchamp.

- Call in Mr. Beauchamp.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Beauchamp has been employed by the following firms--

- It's pronounced Beecham.

- Oh, sorry.

- Yes, and I'll give you a resume of my career myself,

if you don't mind.

Well now, I've worked in simply oodles of shops,

mostly continental.

(audience laughing)

Including Fashion Designs of Woking,

And then...

then, I was at Maison Jacques of St. Albans

for five ghastly years.

And then, Boutique Bon Marche at Bognor Regis.

How brown we got.

But I think I reached my peak at Harrod's

in men's undies.

Oh what bliss.

The lights, the music, the security cameras,

the tycoons with their cigars,

the bargaining Arabs jostling with each other joyfully.

Oh what a cosmopolitan colorful world.

Well, I was loathed to leave it.

- Well, you won't find anything like that at Grace Brothers.

Thank you, we'll let you know.

(audience laughing)

- I see.

Thank you very much, indeed.

(audience clapping)

- Why did you get rid of him so quickly?

- Well, we don't want people like that here.

(audience laughing)

- Can we have the next one, please?

- There isn't a next.

That was it.

- But there were half a dozen candidates in my office.

- Yeah, well unfortunately,

one of them went through your drawers,

and found your pay slip.

And they reckon if that's how much you got,

they'd be on starvation level.

So, they hopped it.

- But all the ones we saw was too old for a junior.

- Yes, well we didn't put junior in the advertisement.

You see the word junior would've cost another four pounds,

and young Mr. Grace has to draw the line somewhere.

- Oh well, we can all go home then, can't we.

(elevator bell chimes)

- I'm not too late, am I?

- Well, it depends what you've come for.

- I've come to fulfill the vacancy,

in reply to the advertisement.

Oh, I see you've got plenty of applicants here already.

(audience laughing)

- I beg your pardon.

We are the staff.

- What a mistake to make.

Before I've even started.

Shall I go?

- No, no, no, no, of course not.

Please take a seat.

- Thank you.

- That is our senior saleslady, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh, charming.

It's an honor to meet you.

- Miss Brahms, her junior.

- Her assistant.

- Delightful.

- Mr. Lucas.

- Senior assistant.

- Smart young man.

- And Mr. Humphries, head of the men's department.

- So high up, so young.

- So far, so good.

(audience laughing)

- Finally, our floorwalker--

- Don't tell me.

I know that face.

I'm going back 35 years.

I'm at Catterick.

I walk into a Nissen hut,

and there you are

standing on your bed in your shirttails with you hat on.

I've got it.

I've got it.

Cpl. Peacock.

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

- It was you, wasn't it?

- I was at Catterick in my early days.

Yes, and I was a corporal for a few weeks.

- A few weeks?

When we went to Egypt together,

you were still a corporal.

We both got a cushy job in the cookhouse.

Is it coming back now?

- I think it's going further away.

(audience laughing)

- You remember me?

Harry Goldberg.

- I have no recollection of ever

seeing you in my life before.

- Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

The memory does play funny tricks.

It was a long time ago.

I've obviously made a mistake.

- This gentleman is Capt.Peacock

who actually fought hand-to-hand with Rommel's army.

- Oh.

We always wondered what he did in his spare time.

(audience laughing)

Capt. Peacock is it?

Yeah.

No, no, this one could never have become a captain.

No, no, no, no.

Couldn't have been you, sir.

I'm sorry.

- Well, now we've got that sorted out,

can we get on?

I've got to get home.

If my pussy isn't attended to by eight o'clock,

I shall be stroking it for the rest of the evening.

- Have I come at an awkward moment?

- No, indeed not.

You're the last candidate.

Perhaps we could hear your qualifications.

- Well, I've had a lot of experience

in the retail and clothing trade.

I'm a qualified cutter and a fitter.

And I had my own establishment for some years.

- Oh, why did you give it up?

- Perhaps the wheels fell off his barrow.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, great sense of humor.

Should I be lucky enough to get the job,

I shall enjoy working here.

- So, you had your own place.

Would we know it?

- Well, I doubt it.

It was over a fish and chip shop in Bermondsey.

Mind you, everyone knew my suits.

- By the aroma of fish and chips?

- No, by the cut.

- Yes, but if it was so successful,

why did you give it up?

- The fat caught fire.

There was a conflagration taking

the whole of my stock with it.

I was ruined.

- Oh, when did this happen?

- Yesterday.

(audience laughing)

- I'm afraid that we omitted to put

in our advertisement that the post

on offer was that of a junior.

- Junior, senior.

I mean, it's such beautiful surroundings here,

and to work among such nice people

would be a privilege.

- And that is the salary.

(audience laughing)

- A day?

- A week.

- Are you working for an award for fighting inflation?

- On top of that you do get commission.

- And of course, it is regular.

And there are holidays, and a pension.

- I'll take it.

Should I be lucky enough to secure the appointment.

- Well, if you leave your address,

we'll let you know.

- Oh, I have my card.

- Oh.

- Here we are.

Fortunately, the letterbox is still standing.

Good evening, everybody.

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry I mistook you for someone I spent four years with,

sleeping in the same tent,

eating the same food,

doing the same jankers.

Strange the tricks the mind can play.

(audience clapping)

- Of course, I think he's totally unsuitable.

- It's the best we've seen so far.

- I preferred Mr. Beauchamp.

- You didn't, did you Mr. Humphries?

- I most certainly did not, Mr. Lucas.

- Of course, it's just a personal dislike

on Mr. Humphries part.

Let's have a show of hands.

Those in favor of Mr. Beauchamp.

- Against?

I'm afraid the nos have it.

- I must say my heart went out to that

charming old gentleman who came in first.

- What, the one who's dossing down

in a packing case in Covent Garden?

- I have never thought that a man's background

should be held against him.

I mean, he was willing.

He had a nice smile.

He was courteous.

- And he wasn't in the army.

- That has nothing to do with it.

- Oh well in that case,

let's pick the last one and go home.

- All those in favor?

- Carried unanimously.

- Except for Cpl. Peacock.

(audience laughing)

(cash register tinging)

- [Cleaning Woman] Good morning, Capt. Peacock.

- I know nothing that's good about Monday morning.

- Here, I've heard you've got a new junior.

Is he tall, dark, handsome, and sexy?

- No, he's shortish, stoutish, and grayish.

- Just my type.

Kind of think of anything's my type.

(audience laughing)

Even you.

(laughs)

- Good morning, Ethel.

- [Capt. Peacock] Good morning, ladies.

- Good morning, Capt. Peacock.

- Morning, corporal.

(audience laughing)

- Miss Brahms, let's nip this in the bud right now.

That man was mistaken.

My title is Capt. Peacock.

And as junior, you will continue to address me as such.

Now, sign the book, and get to your counter.

- Yes, captain.

- You were quite right to admonish her.

She gets far too familiar.

Strictly between you and me,

were you in the army with Mr. Goldberg?

- It was 35 years ago, Mrs. Slocombe.

Can you remember who you worked with

at Lyons when you were a nippy?

(audience laughing)

- You promised you'd never mention that to a living soul.

Anyway, it was only four weeks,

and I was very hard up.

And it was a corner house.

- What's a nippy, Mrs. Slocombe?

(elevator bell chimes)

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Lucas.

- Good morning, corp

Capt. Peacock.

- I'm glad to see that your new responsibility

has encouraged you to come in on time.

- Yes, well with the extra pound a week I'm gettin',

I can now afford to come on the bus

instead of hitchhiking.

(elevator bell chimes)

- Morning, all.

- [Capt. Peacock] Good morning, Mr. Humphries.

(audience clapping)

- Blimey, he's taking it seriously.

He's got his senior assistant's homburg.

That must've set him back a bit.

- You look very smart, Mr. Humphries.

- Thank you, Mrs. Slocombe.

As a matter of fact, my mother burst

into tears on the doorstep this morning.

- Oh, I expect that was because she was so proud of you.

- Yes, coupled with the fact that

I spent the milk money on a new hat.

- Morning, everybody.

- [Capt. Peacock] Good morning, Mr. Goldberg.

- My first day.

It's very exciting for me.

Where should I put my coat?

- The junior's peg. It's through that passage.

- Thank you.

- Here, I'll take it for you, Mr. Goldberg.

- Call me Harry.

- No, call him Mr. Goldberg.

At Grace Brothers we're only on first name terms

outside working hours.

And then, only after a long association.

- That's quite correct.

That's class.

Style.

That's how a beautiful store like this

gets its reputation.

Where do I stand?

- You don't.

You sign the book first.

You'll find a tape, and a bill pad, in your drawer.

You will not, however, wear the tape round your neck.

Only Mr. Humphries is allowed that privilege.

Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas will explain your duties to you.

I have to go and see Mr. Rumbold.

(bell ringing)

Ah, that's the opening bell.

- Oh, thank heavens.

I thought it was the fat caught alight again.

(audience laughing)

- Stations everyone.

The public will be coming in.

- He's a right tarter, isn't he?

Mind you, so was the man who he isn't.

- It's what authority does to people.

- Yes, well it's not going to do it to me.

I am going to stay the same kind, understanding

I've never seen anything so disgraceful

as that glove drawer, Mr. Lucas.

Get it tidied up at once.

- Well, I was just totalling my month's figures.

- Well, you should've done that last week.

- The battery on my calculator went.

- Mr. Lucas, Mr. Lucas please, would you allow me?

- Oh, thanks very much.

- Thank you very much.

There we are.

(speaking in gibberish)

(audience laughing)

There we are.

You see, simple.

Now, I'll tidy your drawers,

if you show me my duties.

- There's just one thing,

as far as the commission is concerned,

that's calculated on our individual sales

at the end of the week.

So therefore, when the customers come in,

I get first crack,

Mr. Lucas goes second,

and you go third.

- Suppose they ask for me personally?

- That won't arise until you've built up a clientele.

- But wouldn't you rather split the commission

three ways at the end of the week?

- No thank you, no.

This is the way we've always done it,

and this is the way we're going to carry on.

Right Mr. Lucas?

- Entirely, Mr. Humphries.

- So be it.

(elevator bell chimes)

(men yelling)

(audience laughing)

- Nice place, you're coming on in the world.

- Beautiful merchandise, Harry.

Classy material.

- Competitive prices an' all, eh?

Here, do you take 5% off of cash?

- 5%?

Here, none of that, no.

This is strictly on the level.

No discount.

- Here, I heard about the fire.

- Hey, I thought the fire wasn't until next week.

- I brought it forward.

- Oh.

(audience laughing)

- I'll have this vicuna coat.

- That's 500 pounds.

- Hey Harry, have you got six of these

silk shirts in my size?

- That makes it 650.

- That's a classy suit.

Just what I'm looking for.

- That's 800 pounds.

- Harry, I'd like a crocodile briefcase

with matching shoes in black.

I'm going to a funeral.

- Hey, that's 1200 quid.

Think of the commission.

- Think of his commission.

Can we be of any assistance?

- Start wrapping these things up

before the Hackney mob get in.

Now, you'll need some cuff links to go with those shirts.

Put some cuff links with these shirts.

And some socks, you'll need some socks

to go with that suit.

It's a very unusual color.

Socks, Mr. Lucas.

- How many?

- How many? Two.

How many does a person wear?

(cash register tinging)

- The figures have been very good, Rumbold.

- They have, indeed, sir.

Best week of the year.

Of course this is partly due to the presence

of our new counter hand.

- Well, what about giving him a nice rise?

Say, seven and six a week?

- We'll have to do rather more than that, sir.

In fact, he wants more money than our senior salesman,

otherwise we're going to lose him.

- Well, pay him.

- Well, if I do that, sir.

Capt. Peacock has threatened to lead a walkout.

- Well, sort it out, Rumbold.

(knocking)

- Enter.

- May we see you for a moment, Mr. Rumbold?

- Certainly, what's the trouble?

- We just want to make it absolutely clear

that we have no intention of walking out with Capt. Peacock.

And I an unanimous in that.

We like Mr. Goldberg.

- Yeah, he's taking her to the pictures tonight.

- Shut up.

- But if I pay him the money he's asking,

I'll have to make him senior salesman.

- Well, I don't mind that.

At his age, he ought to be senior salesman.

Besides, I don't think I'm temperamentally suited for it.

You know, I haven't slept for a week?

I'm getting silver threads amongst the gold.

(audience laughing)

- We don't mind going back to our old wages,

'cause he's sharing his commission with us.

- But I can't promote Mr. Goldberg

without the consent of Capt. Peacock.

- Well, Mr. Goldberg says he might be able to arrange that.

- I understand you won't be with us next week, Mr. Goldberg.

Very regrettable.

- Yes, well I would like to have stayed,

but I gather there was some very

strong opposition from a senior executive.

- Indeed what a pity.

- Yes, so I thought well I'd like to leave

a little memento of me to the staff.

And I was looking in an old scrapbook.

And would you believe it, I found...

I found this photo of me with that corporal

I so foolishly thought was you.

- Oh yes?

- Yeah, yeah.

It's very interesting.

In fact, if you looked at it through this magnifying glass

you'll see that on Cpl. Peacock's

right arm there's a motto, and it says a tattoo,

and it says, death before dishonor.

Tattoo marks are very difficult

to get rid of Capt. Peacock.

- Practically impossible.

- Yes, so I thought the staff would like to have this photo,

if I go.

(audience laughing)

Should I stay,

I would like you to have it.

- Capt. Peacock,

may we have a word with you?

It's about Mr. Goldberg.

- Ah yes, well I've just been having

a little tete a tete with him,

and I think it would be to the advantage of us all

if he were to stay with us.

- Oh, splendid.

- How can I ever thank you?

(audience clapping)

("Are You Being Served Theme")

♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationery, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding,

♫ Material, soft furnishings, restaurant and teas

♫ Going down

♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up ♫