Original subtitles

(cash register chimes)

(upbeat music)

- [Female] Ground floor, perfumeries, stationary,

and leather goods, sweeps and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

First floor, telephones, gents ready-made suits,

socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes.

- Good morning, sir.

Are you being served?

- I am looking for perfume.

- Oh, this way, sir.

Mrs. Slocombe, are you free?

(audience laughs)

- I am free.

- This lady will take care of you, sir.

- Thank you.

- He's handsome.

- He's mine.

Good morning.

(audience laughs)

- I wish to buy some perfume.

- Well, as you can see, we have quite a large range.

Now, this one is called Hilarity.

It's inviting and, at the same time, amusing.

- Pardon.

That has a background of onions.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, well, I made art-pork before I come in.

(audience laughs)

- Perhaps, this young lady will demonstrate one for me.

Perhaps, this one, huh?

Pardon.

Ah, yes.

(audience laughs)

Very sexy.

- Oh yes, all the men say that.

(audience laughs)

Unfortunately, we only have the spray left

and it's 10 pounds.

(audience laughs)

- That is ideal.

- Oh!

- Thank you.

- Well, shall I have it gift wrapped?

- Oh, no, no, no, thank you.

I will wear it.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Did you find what you were looking for, sir?

- Uh, no, but wearing this, I have high hopes.

(audience laughs and claps)

- Now sir, there's been a lot of publicity recently

about swimming trunks becoming transparent when wet.

These come with a stamped address guarantee.

Now, all you do is, when you come out of the water,

you check and the slightest little problem,

you come out backwards and pop that into a pillar box.

(audience laughs)

There we are.

Thank you.

Now, where were you?

- I was telling you about this bird.

- Oh yes, that's right, yes,

because your mother's got a new battery for her deaf aid

and you had to spend the night at your girlfriend's digs.

- Well, we crept in the backdoor, took our shoes off,

and tiptoed upstairs.

You see, her landlady won't let her have men in the room

after 11 o'clock.

- I had one like that.

(audience laughs)

- We open the door and she said,

"Don't switch the light on!

"It clicks."

I held my breath and I crept towards the bed.

- Oh, the suspense.

(audience laughs)

- I was just about to sit down.

She said, "Don't sit down there.

"She'll hear the springs!"

- It's just like Mission Impossible.

(audience laughs)

- So anyway, we sat down on the rug.

- What happened then?

- Well, I looked at her and she looked at me.

After five minutes she said,

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

- Well, what were you waiting for?

- Well, I was a bit nervous

in case she had a noisy bra catch.

(audience laughs)

Before we knew were we were, it was bang, bang, bang.

- Oh, well, all's well that ends well.

(audience laughs)

- No, that was the landlady knocking on the door.

(audience laughs)

Cool as a cucumber, I picked up the television set,

and walked straight out and I said in a very loud voice,

"Don't worry, madame.

"I'll fix your vertical all by Thursday."

(audience laughs)

- Did you get away with it?

- I would've done if I'd been wearing me trousers.

(audience laughs and claps)

- Mrs. Slocombe?

Miss Brahms?

Your wage packets.

- Oh, thank heavens for that.

I'm skint.

- Will you just sign on these?

- Oh, I say, there's been some mistake.

I've got 10 pounds too much!

- No, I think you'll find that it's correct.

You and Mr. Humphries did a photographic session.

- We all did that.

- Yes, well, you were not chosen.

- Am I going to be on a big poster?

- No, we're using your likenesses as a basis

for our new display dummies.

- Oh, how exciting!

Mr. Humphries, do you hear that?

They're going to make dummies out of us.

- So I believe.

I only hope they've done a good job.

They only took photographs of my face.

(audience laughs)

- What's so special about these two?

- Mrs. Slocombe was chosen to appeal to the average woman

and Mr. Humphries to the average man.

- I should be so lucky.

(audience laughs)

- When do we get to see them?

- Well, they arrived this morning.

Oh, here they are.

Mr. Harman, over here.

Over here.

- Here we are, Captain Peacock.

Here we are.

(audience laughs)

- Where am I?

- Just outside the gents.

- Oh, I better go and get me

before I'm had out for loitering.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, they've got me to a T.

You know, looking at that face is a very eerie experience.

- That's what I said to Mr. Humphries

the first day I met you.

(audience laughs)

- Now, Lucas, if you're going to be rude,

you can return to your counter.

I think the display have done a wonderful job.

It's absolutely life-like.

- There's not so many wrinkles.

- Well, they could've got them all in only Mr. Grace

wouldn't pay the overtime.

(audience laughs)

- If I may say so Mrs. Slocombe,

I think you look a very handsome woman.

- Yes, and that brown paper dress suits you

down to the ground.

(audience laughs)

- I do like the way they've done my hair.

- I'll tell you what, you don't look so hot without it.

(audience laughs)

- You an ugly baby!

- Mr. Harman, put that back at once.

- Let's see the rest of it!

- Would you kindly not refer to me as it?

- Here we are then.

In all its glory.

- Captain Peacock, I refuse to be displayed

with a size 50 bust.

My vital statistics are 38!

- What about the other ones?

- DOn't worry, that can easily be fixed.

(audience laughs)

The trouble is, you've been overstuffed.

(audience laughs)

Say when, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Stop him, Captain Peacock!

I will not have rough workman's hands inside my bra.

(audience laughs)

- This could be your last chance.

(audience laughs)

- I think that looks about right.

- Yeah, right.

- Her stockings are all wrinkled.

- Allow me.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Lucas!

- I never knew you wore suspenders, Mrs. Slocombe!

- I don't and knock it off.

(audience laughs)

- I don't know if you've been having trouble

with your elastic but there's a hell

of a lot of sellotape up here.

(audience laughs)

- Excuse me, Mrs. Slocombe,

but may I say how very nice your hair looks today?

(audience laughs)

Alright, ignore me, you bad-tempered old cow.

(audience laughs and claps)

- Where do you want it?

- Over there.

Just there, just there.

- Do be careful with what you're doing with your right hand.

You're making my eyes water.

(audience laughs)

Good afternoon.

Do you come here often?

(audience laughs)

- Well, what do you think?

- Well, it's alright in here but standing like that,

I wouldn't give much for his chances in a transport cafe

on the A One.

(audience laughs)

- I'm going to tell Mr. Rumbold it arrived.

- Oh, it's no good.

I shall have to make some adjustments.

It looks too posed.

- Hang on.

(audience laughs)

- I shall smack your wrist

if you don't stop interfering with me.

There, now, do you think that looks more normal?

- It's as normal as you're gonna get.

(audience laughs)

- I don't like the angle of his head.

(audience laughs)

- Now we can soon fix that.

Look, just give it a twist.

Oh, you've got a stiff neck.

- Let me try.

I once trained as an osteopath and when I got down to it,

I wasn't up to it.

(audience laughs)

Teeny toe it towards me.

That's right.

Yes, oh, nice firm chin. (laughs)

Now, just relax.

This won't take a moment.

(audience laughs)

Oh!

(audience laughs)

- You fractured his say-chin.

- Yes, that's why they wouldn't let me finish

as an osteopath.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, you'll be for it now!

- Don't worry.

I'll take it down to do-it-yourself, see Mr. Furlow.

He'll fix it for you.

- We better get it out of here.

- I won't be a jiffy.

- Yeah, well, alright, get rid of it, will you?

For goodness sake.

- [Captain Peacock] They really are quite life-like,

Mr. Rumbold.

- It's Rumbold!

- What?

Here, get on there.

He'll never know the difference.

- Oh!

(audience laughs)

- By Jove, they are realistic, aren't they?

- A lot of men have worked very hard

to make her face look like that.

(audience laughs)

- And it shows.

- I think they were right to hold back on the wrinkles.

- It's typical, isn't it?

When a woman gets wrinkled, it's old age.

When a man gets 'em, it's character.

(audience laughs)

- Something not quite right about this one.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, they haven't quite caught the expression, have they?

- No, Humphries doesn't look nearly as wet as that.

(audience laughs)

I'm not sure I like the mouth open.

(audience laughs)

Yes, that's better.

Now, I think there's been some misunderstanding

as to the purpose of these models.

They are designed to help us with our underwear displays.

- Well, that could easily be fixed.

(audience laughs)

- Glass of water for Mrs. Slocombe

and after seeing that lot,

a glass of water for me as well.

(audience laughs)

- And this Walter?

- Uh yes, strip him off.

(audience laughs)

- Pardon?

- Strip him off.

- Strip him off?

- Yes, well, get on with it.

- Come on, Lucas, take the arm, take the arm.

(audience laughs)

- Come on there.

- What a lovely shirt he's got.

Why don't we just leave him in his shirt and trousers?

- Because we're having a special event in y-fronts.

(audience laughs)

- Many a true word.

(audience laughs)

- You do the shirt, I'll take the trousers down.

(audience laughs)

- They're getting very thorough in display, aren't they?

(audience laughs)

- Shall I explain your idea to them, sir?

- Well, yes, I think perhaps you'd better.

I've forgotten it.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Grace is continuing his campaign

to advertise Grace Brothers.

200 Mrs. Slocombes and 150 Mr. Humphries

will be going on display in our various branches.

- If I'd known I was going to be displayed

in 200 different positions in my underwear,

I should've withheld my consent.

(audience laughs)

- I'm already in the Portsmith branch in my underwear

and I've had a lot of fan mail.

Most of which I don't understand and none of which

I intend to answer!

(audience laughs)

And what's more, I was only in the Chatham branch

for half a day and I was stolen!

Heaven knows where I am now!

(audience laughs)

- Well the point is that the idea of using ordinary people

to advertise the sort of goods that ordinary buy

is working like a dream.

Now, Mr. Grace went to the cinema the other day.

- Yes, I saw Blue Emmanuelle 4.

(audience laughs)

Had a very good idea from it too, didn't I?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, you did, Mr. Grace.

- Well, the idea concern, the advertising in the interval.

Mr. Grace thinks it would be a good scheme to advertise

Grace Brothers in the same way that they advertise

Chinese restaurants and cigarettes and things.

- I seem to remember a very good one with Spike Milligan

jumping through the bottom of a boat.

- Yes, I didn't like that.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, Mr. Grace thought that was rather silly.

The whole point is,

Mr. Grace thinks that we should have ordinary people

like you to do the commercial.

Now, our advertising agents have been working on it

and they've come up with a sort of script

and a sort of storyline.

- Yes and a sort of ridiculous price for making it.

(audience laughs)

- Precisely, yes.

Mr. Grace thinks that between the display department

and photographic and ourselves,

that we could have a go at it.

Now, it all takes place in a sort of cocktail bar

at the Coco Club.

- Was that my idea?

- Yes, sir.

- Say, I really am on the ball, aren't I?

(audience laughs)

(cash register chimes)

(audience laughs)

- Is all this really necessary?

- Switch him off, Mr. Lucas.

(audience laughs)

- I'm glad that's over.

- Beauty must pay the price.

- It says in the script a man, not unlike David Niven,

comes into the Coco Club and you, Captain Peacock,

are the most not unlike David Niven person we've got.

(audience laughs)

- The resemblance has been remarked upon.

- You know your hair's in quite good condition.

It moves quite nicely.

(audience laughs)

- It comes out quite nicely, too.

(audience laughs)

- Now, purse your lips.

Like that.

They are sensuous but very dry.

- What precisely do we do about that, Mr. Director?

- If this was MGM, I'd suggest Lana Turner lip gloss,

but as it's Grace Brothers,

a quick smear with a canteen drip in.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, drat!

- What's the matter, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Oh, it's these damned eyelashes.

- Well, yours aren't big enough, dear.

They won't show up on the screen.

Remember, you're playing the part of a femme fatale.

- But it's like looking through bars.

(audience laughs)

I might as well be in Holloway.

(audience laughs)

- Just give it a couple of blinks.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, oh!

The left one's stuck.

(audience laughs)

- It would've been easier getting Spike Milligan

jumping through the bottom of a boat.

They'll be alright when the glue dries.

- You seem to know a lot about it.

- Well, I have the same trouble with my mother

every Friday when she goes to the Bingo.

- Here you are, Mrs. Slocombe.

Use this as a tire lever.

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Lucas.

Oh, that's better.

The other one's gone.

(audience laughs)

- When they dry they'll crack open.

Now, let's have a look at the hair.

See what this looks.

(audience laughs)

You think David Nevin'll go for that?

- Well, if he's reduced to going to the Coco Club,

he can't afford to be too choosy, can he?

(audience laughs)

- You're playing the leader of the gypsy orchestra.

Could I have the mustache, Mr. Lucas?

- Yes, mustache coming up.

There we are.

(audience laughs)

- Other way up, Mr. Lucas.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Brace yourself, Mr. Rumbold.

- Ah!

- Here we are.

- It's a bit Fu Manchu but it'll have to do.

(audience laughs)

What about the wig?

- Oh, do I have to have a wig?

- It's all part of the magic world of make believe.

- Yeah, look over there.

(audience laughs)

- I distinctly told you to get me

a Burt Reynolds six and 3/4.

- They've sold out of Burt Reynolds six and 3/4.

- That is no excuse for bringing me

a Liza Minnelli six and 7/8.

(audience laughs)

- It's either that or a Max Bygraves 9 1/2.

(audience laughs)

- Look at what they've sent me!

- Oh yes, Mr. Granger.

Now what part is he playing, Mr. Lucas?

- Henry the lovable old bartender.

(audience laughs)

- Damn fools, the sleeves are miles too long.

- Don't worry, Mr. Granger.

They'll ride up with wear.

(audience laughs)

- Don't give me that.

And what's more, I can't do my trousers up.

(audience laughs)

- They won't show, you'll be behind the bar.

Go on, off you go.

That's it.

- My tail's come off.

Will you put it on for me?

- Certainly, Shirley.

- Not you!

Mr. Humphries, do you know where it goes?

- Contrary to popular belief, yes.

(audience laughs)

Turn around and touch your toes.

About there Mr. Lucas?

- Dead on target, Mr. Humphries.

- Contact.

- You can put these on.

- Oh, thanks, Shirley. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Not there!

They go on my shoes only I can't see

'cause they've built me up so much.

(audience laughs)

- I'm Crawford from Photographics.

I'm the camera man.

- Oh, hello.

Humphries, Menswear.

I'm the director.

- Do you mean to say with your looks,

you're not going to be in it?

- Oh, well, one has to decide which side

of the fence to be on.

- And it's not always an easy decision, is it?

(audience laughs)

Anyway, I'm lit, I'm loaded and I'm ready to go.

- I think I've chosen the wrong side of the fence.

(audience laughs)

- Excuse me, Mr. Peck-and-poof,

(audience laughs)

we've got the sound recording machine ready now.

- Oh, yes, that's Mr. Crawford, the camera man, over there.

- It's no good talking to me until I've plugged my jack in.

(audience laughs)

Nod if you understand.

Right you are then.

- Right, places everybody.

Opening positions.

Opening positions.

- I do like a man who knows what he wants.

- Oh, good.

Well, get behind your camera

and don't push it 'til I tell you.

(audience laughs)

I hope you all learned your words last night.

- Well, I didn't have much to learn.

Lovable old bartender does nothing but wag his shaker.

(audience laughs)

- Get behind the bar.

Get behind the bar.

- I'm wagging my shaker now?

- Yes.

- Well, but in the script,

nobody's asked me for a cocktail yet.

- Well, why don't you just stand there

and arrange your nuts?

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Lucas, I am the director of this film

and if I find any artistic value in his arranging his nuts,

I shall be the one to tell him.

(audience laughs)

- I'm sorry, Mr. Humphries.

- Well, I could count my olives.

- Can we drop the subject?

One, two, three --

- Will you shut up?

(audience laughs)

- I was only trying to be helpful.

- Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs. Slocombe.

(audience laughs)

Are you alright, Mrs. Slocombe?

What's the matter?

- I can't blink.

They're not dry yet.

(audience laughs)

- I'll come to you in a minute.

Now, Captain Peacock.

Now, you are the suave David Niven type man about town.

Now, you come down the stairs wearing your Grace Brothers

lightweight two piece.

On your arm is the Grace Brothers shar-poof,

on the other arm is your Grace Brothers pop-a-brolly.

Now, on your head is your travel trilby at a jaunty angle.

(laughs) Good.

Now, you come down the stairs

and you hand it to the check girl.

The hat check girl.

Now, that's you, Miss Brahms.

- Oh!

- Yes, come over here.

We'll rehearse this, please.

- Could we rehearse the sound, please?

- I can see the microphone.

Higher, please.

Higher.

Super.

- Action.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- [Miss Brahms] Thank you, sir.

(audience laughs)

Here is your ticket.

(audience laughs)

- That wasn't quite right, was it?

(audience laughs)

- We'll do it again in a minute.

Now, we must carry on.

Right, you cross to the bar and you see sitting

at the bar a glamorous woman

wearing her Grace Brothers cocktail casual.

Mrs. Slocombe, on the stool, please.

(audience laughs)

- Give her a hand, Mr. Lucas.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Will you try and remember, you're a woman of mystery?

(audience laughs)

- Not after getting on that stool, she's not. (laughs)

- That will be quite enough, Mr. Lucas.

(audience laughs)

- You go to the bar and you see Henry,

the lovable old bartender.

- My trousers are coming down.

(audience laughs)

- Well, you're not called the lovable old bartender

for nothing, are you?

(audience laughs)

- You say your first line, "The usual please, Henry."

Right, now we'll try that.

- Am I supposed to be holding this?

- No, take it from him, Mr. Lucas.

Right, action.

- The usual please, Henry.

- Good evening, sir.

How very nice to see you again.

- What are you doing?

You're not supposed to say anything!

(audience laughs)

- I was only being polite.

I'm supposed to be a lovable old bartender.

(audience laughs)

- It doesn't say that here.

- Well, but it should though.

He knows my name.

Am I supposed to ignore him?

(audience laughs)

- Just shake your cocktails.

(audience laughs)

Right, you see the woman.

She's alone.

You smile.

(audience laughs)

Now, show the, Mr. Granger?

(cocktail shaking loudly)

Mr. Granger!

- I can't hear you.

(audience laughs)

You'll have to wait until I finish making the cocktail.

- What are you doing?

- I'm making his usual, a Sidecar.

(audience laughs)

- Just forget about the cocktail.

Get him a whiskey and soda.

- Well, that's not his usual.

- His usual is what I say it is.

(audience laughs)

- You two, for God sake, hurry up, will you?

This is killing me!

(audience laughs)

- You open the coat to show the label

and you take out your cigarette case.

Action.

- Would you like one?

- Oh, I didn't see you there.

(audience laughs)

How kind.

(audience laughs)

- Keep going.

(audience laughs)

- We'll get that right next time.

- The sound is hopeless.

Give it a radio mic, Mr. Lucas.

- Well, here, hold that one.

Here.

Put this on, Mrs. Slocombe.

- What do I do with that?

- You put it down there.

- Down where?

(audience laughs)

- Allow me.

(audience laughs)

- If anything is to be located in my cleavage,

I'll do the locating.

Oh, oh!

It's dropped down.

(audience laughs)

- It slipped right down, Mr. Hammer.

- Well, it couldn't have gone that far.

(audience laughs)

Tell her to speak up a bit and while you're at it,

ask Captain Peacock for a voice test.

I want to try and get him on the same radio mic.

- Say the next line.

- Your face seems very familiar.

- That's very faint.

Get closer.

- Closer.

- Your face seems very familiar.

- Closer.

- [Mr. Lucas] Closer.

(audience laughs)

- Your face seems very familiar.

- How's that?

- Like somebody yelling down a lift shaft.

(audience laughs)

- Hang on a minute.

I'm getting some very extraneous noises here.

Listen, listen, listen.

(grumbling and bubbling)

- Blimey, it did go down a long way, didn't it?

(audience laughs)

- Well, I can't help it.

It's past my dinner time.

- Wouldn't it be better if he shouted up her skirt?

(audience laughs)

- Nobody is shouting up my skirt

saying they recognize the face.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Lucas, it's up to you to get as much as the sound

as you can.

- Alright, alright.

Before we get to the dance part,

I must point out that I can't give you any gypsy music

with this thing.

- Oh, don't make difficulties, Mr. Rumbold.

- Well, if you're happy with this,

(flatulence sounds)

(audience laughs)

- Blimey!

Now where's she got the microphone?

(audience laughs)

- We'll put the music on later.

- I hope you're ready to do my bit

because I've only got five minutes.

- Oh, how can one director film under these conditions?

- I know how you feel.

There's only one thing you can do.

Go for a take.

I always find there's someone up there looking after you.

- Well, let's hope he's working overtime.

(audience laughs)

Right, now you all know the plot.

Opening positions and we're going to do it

for real this time.

Now, Mr. Grace, you're over here with your champagne.

Come along over here.

That's right.

Here's the glass and the bottle.

- Can't we have the girls in?

- No, Mr. Grace.

- Well, I tried.

(audience laughs)

- Recording running?

- Check!

- Camera running?

- Smooth as silk.

- Grace Brothers cinema commercial, take one.

Oh!

(audience laughs)

- Action!

(romantic music)

(audience laughs)

- Yuck!

The usual please, Henry.

- (Laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Can I give you one?

- Oh, I didn't see you there.

How kind.

(audience laughs)

- Allow me, allow me.

(audience laughs)

- Say when.

- When!

(audience laughs)

Shall we dance?

- Oh, I was hoping you'd ask, whoever you are.

(audience laughs)

- If I may say so,

it is a most unusual dress you're wearing.

- Yes, I'm dressed from top to bottom with Grace Brothers.

- What a coincidence, so am I!

(audience laughs)

(flatulence sounds from accordion)

(audience laughs)

So here we are dressed in our favorite clothes,

dancing to our favorite tune.

(audience laughs)

- You have a bubbly champagne time

(audience laughs)

shopping at Grace Brothers.

Oh, dear.

I need a wider glass or a longer bottle.

(audience laughs)

- Cut!

- Well, then.

What do you think?

You're the director.

- Well, you're the boss, Mr. Grace.

- Mr. Rumbold?

Get onto the advertising agency.

We'll have Spike Milligan jumping through the bottom

of the boat.

(audience laughs and claps)