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1
00:00:01,416 --> 00:00:04,666
(cash register chimes)
2
00:00:05,815 --> 00:00:09,016
(upbeat music)
3
00:00:09,016 --> 00:00:10,359
- [Female] Ground floor,
perfumeries, stationary,
4
00:00:10,359 --> 00:00:11,357
and leather goods,
sweeps and haberdashery,
5
00:00:11,357 --> 00:00:13,940
kitchenware and food, going up.
6
00:00:17,949 --> 00:00:20,720
First floor, telephones,
gents ready-made suits,
7
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,003
socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes.
8
00:00:24,003 --> 00:00:25,022
- Good morning, sir.
9
00:00:25,022 --> 00:00:26,004
Are you being served?
10
00:00:26,004 --> 00:00:27,300
- I am looking for perfume.
11
00:00:27,300 --> 00:00:29,363
- Oh, this way, sir.
12
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,720
Mrs. Slocombe, are you free?
13
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,553
(audience laughs)
14
00:00:36,018 --> 00:00:37,381
- I am free.
15
00:00:37,381 --> 00:00:39,163
- This lady will take care of you, sir.
16
00:00:39,163 --> 00:00:40,320
- Thank you.
17
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:41,323
- He's handsome.
18
00:00:41,323 --> 00:00:42,396
- He's mine.
19
00:00:42,396 --> 00:00:43,757
Good morning.
20
00:00:43,757 --> 00:00:44,763
(audience laughs)
21
00:00:44,763 --> 00:00:45,963
- I wish to buy some perfume.
22
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:48,411
- Well, as you can see, we
have quite a large range.
23
00:00:48,411 --> 00:00:51,161
Now, this one is called Hilarity.
24
00:00:53,083 --> 00:00:56,763
It's inviting and, at
the same time, amusing.
25
00:00:56,763 --> 00:00:57,596
- Pardon.
26
00:00:59,181 --> 00:01:02,224
That has a background of onions.
27
00:01:02,224 --> 00:01:04,363
(audience laughs)
28
00:01:04,363 --> 00:01:06,191
- Yes, well, I made
art-pork before I come in.
29
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:07,685
(audience laughs)
30
00:01:07,685 --> 00:01:11,264
- Perhaps, this young lady
will demonstrate one for me.
31
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Perhaps, this one, huh?
32
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Pardon.
33
00:01:23,270 --> 00:01:24,103
Ah, yes.
34
00:01:26,166 --> 00:01:28,999
(audience laughs)
35
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Very sexy.
36
00:01:32,865 --> 00:01:34,756
- Oh yes, all the men say that.
37
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(audience laughs)
38
00:01:36,124 --> 00:01:38,534
Unfortunately, we only have the spray left
39
00:01:38,534 --> 00:01:40,425
and it's 10 pounds.
40
00:01:40,425 --> 00:01:41,649
(audience laughs)
41
00:01:41,649 --> 00:01:42,801
- That is ideal.
42
00:01:42,801 --> 00:01:43,699
- Oh!
43
00:01:43,699 --> 00:01:44,618
- Thank you.
44
00:01:44,618 --> 00:01:45,516
- Well, shall I have it gift wrapped?
45
00:01:45,516 --> 00:01:46,636
- Oh, no, no, no, thank you.
46
00:01:46,636 --> 00:01:48,076
I will wear it.
47
00:01:48,076 --> 00:01:50,909
(audience laughs)
48
00:01:58,084 --> 00:02:00,854
(audience laughs)
49
00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:03,105
- Did you find what you
were looking for, sir?
50
00:02:03,105 --> 00:02:06,938
- Uh, no, but wearing
this, I have high hopes.
51
00:02:08,145 --> 00:02:12,643
(audience laughs and claps)
52
00:02:12,643 --> 00:02:14,913
- Now sir, there's been a
lot of publicity recently
53
00:02:14,913 --> 00:02:17,791
about swimming trunks
becoming transparent when wet.
54
00:02:17,791 --> 00:02:20,260
These come with a stamped
address guarantee.
55
00:02:20,260 --> 00:02:22,113
Now, all you do is, when
you come out of the water,
56
00:02:22,113 --> 00:02:24,076
you check and the
slightest little problem,
57
00:02:24,076 --> 00:02:26,505
you come out backwards and
pop that into a pillar box.
58
00:02:26,505 --> 00:02:28,233
(audience laughs)
59
00:02:28,233 --> 00:02:29,316
There we are.
60
00:02:31,289 --> 00:02:32,390
Thank you.
61
00:02:32,390 --> 00:02:33,758
Now, where were you?
62
00:02:33,758 --> 00:02:34,915
- I was telling you about this bird.
63
00:02:34,915 --> 00:02:37,266
- Oh yes, that's right, yes,
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00:02:37,266 --> 00:02:39,382
because your mother's got a
new battery for her deaf aid
65
00:02:39,382 --> 00:02:42,141
and you had to spend the night
at your girlfriend's digs.
66
00:02:42,141 --> 00:02:43,891
- Well, we crept in the
backdoor, took our shoes off,
67
00:02:43,891 --> 00:02:44,743
and tiptoed upstairs.
68
00:02:44,743 --> 00:02:47,015
You see, her landlady won't
let her have men in the room
69
00:02:47,015 --> 00:02:48,025
after 11 o'clock.
70
00:02:48,025 --> 00:02:49,382
- I had one like that.
71
00:02:49,382 --> 00:02:52,140
(audience laughs)
72
00:02:52,140 --> 00:02:53,533
- We open the door and she said,
73
00:02:53,533 --> 00:02:54,500
"Don't switch the light on!
74
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:55,638
"It clicks."
75
00:02:55,638 --> 00:02:57,899
I held my breath and I
crept towards the bed.
76
00:02:57,899 --> 00:02:59,107
- Oh, the suspense.
77
00:02:59,107 --> 00:03:00,551
(audience laughs)
78
00:03:00,551 --> 00:03:01,571
- I was just about to sit down.
79
00:03:01,571 --> 00:03:02,559
She said, "Don't sit down there.
80
00:03:02,559 --> 00:03:03,733
"She'll hear the springs!"
81
00:03:03,733 --> 00:03:04,957
- It's just like Mission Impossible.
82
00:03:04,957 --> 00:03:07,147
(audience laughs)
83
00:03:07,147 --> 00:03:08,612
- So anyway, we sat down on the rug.
84
00:03:08,612 --> 00:03:10,171
- What happened then?
85
00:03:10,171 --> 00:03:13,195
- Well, I looked at her
and she looked at me.
86
00:03:13,195 --> 00:03:14,237
After five minutes she said,
87
00:03:14,237 --> 00:03:16,227
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
88
00:03:16,227 --> 00:03:17,945
- Well, what were you waiting for?
89
00:03:17,945 --> 00:03:18,811
- Well, I was a bit nervous
90
00:03:18,811 --> 00:03:20,375
in case she had a noisy bra catch.
91
00:03:20,375 --> 00:03:22,841
(audience laughs)
92
00:03:22,841 --> 00:03:25,152
Before we knew were we were,
it was bang, bang, bang.
93
00:03:25,152 --> 00:03:27,737
- Oh, well, all's well that ends well.
94
00:03:27,737 --> 00:03:29,247
(audience laughs)
95
00:03:29,247 --> 00:03:30,911
- No, that was the landlady
knocking on the door.
96
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,005
(audience laughs)
97
00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:35,181
Cool as a cucumber, I picked
up the television set,
98
00:03:35,181 --> 00:03:37,937
and walked straight out and
I said in a very loud voice,
99
00:03:37,937 --> 00:03:38,835
"Don't worry, madame.
100
00:03:38,835 --> 00:03:40,621
"I'll fix your vertical all by Thursday."
101
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,507
(audience laughs)
102
00:03:42,507 --> 00:03:43,359
- Did you get away with it?
103
00:03:43,359 --> 00:03:45,130
- I would've done if I'd
been wearing me trousers.
104
00:03:45,130 --> 00:03:48,866
(audience laughs and claps)
105
00:03:48,866 --> 00:03:49,887
- Mrs. Slocombe?
106
00:03:49,887 --> 00:03:50,957
Miss Brahms?
107
00:03:50,957 --> 00:03:52,220
Your wage packets.
108
00:03:52,220 --> 00:03:53,081
- Oh, thank heavens for that.
109
00:03:53,081 --> 00:03:54,103
I'm skint.
110
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,289
- Will you just sign on these?
111
00:03:55,289 --> 00:03:58,539
- Oh, I say, there's been some mistake.
112
00:03:59,746 --> 00:04:02,262
I've got 10 pounds too much!
113
00:04:02,262 --> 00:04:03,641
- No, I think you'll
find that it's correct.
114
00:04:03,641 --> 00:04:05,849
You and Mr. Humphries did
a photographic session.
115
00:04:05,849 --> 00:04:07,431
- We all did that.
116
00:04:07,431 --> 00:04:09,589
- Yes, well, you were not chosen.
117
00:04:09,589 --> 00:04:11,715
- Am I going to be on a big poster?
118
00:04:11,715 --> 00:04:14,671
- No, we're using your
likenesses as a basis
119
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,407
for our new display dummies.
120
00:04:16,407 --> 00:04:17,935
- Oh, how exciting!
121
00:04:17,935 --> 00:04:20,197
Mr. Humphries, do you hear that?
122
00:04:20,197 --> 00:04:23,004
They're going to make dummies out of us.
123
00:04:23,004 --> 00:04:24,313
- So I believe.
124
00:04:24,313 --> 00:04:25,696
I only hope they've done a good job.
125
00:04:25,696 --> 00:04:27,337
They only took photographs of my face.
126
00:04:27,337 --> 00:04:29,207
(audience laughs)
127
00:04:29,207 --> 00:04:31,059
- What's so special about these two?
128
00:04:31,059 --> 00:04:34,173
- Mrs. Slocombe was chosen to
appeal to the average woman
129
00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:36,581
and Mr. Humphries to the average man.
130
00:04:36,581 --> 00:04:37,765
- I should be so lucky.
131
00:04:37,765 --> 00:04:39,634
(audience laughs)
132
00:04:39,634 --> 00:04:41,242
- When do we get to see them?
133
00:04:41,242 --> 00:04:42,205
- Well, they arrived this morning.
134
00:04:42,205 --> 00:04:43,498
Oh, here they are.
135
00:04:43,498 --> 00:04:44,732
Mr. Harman, over here.
136
00:04:44,732 --> 00:04:45,565
Over here.
137
00:04:46,730 --> 00:04:48,776
- Here we are, Captain Peacock.
138
00:04:48,776 --> 00:04:49,776
Here we are.
139
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:55,714
(audience laughs)
140
00:04:55,714 --> 00:04:57,190
- Where am I?
141
00:04:57,190 --> 00:04:58,190
- Just outside the gents.
142
00:04:58,190 --> 00:04:59,192
- Oh, I better go and get me
143
00:04:59,192 --> 00:05:02,014
before I'm had out for loitering.
144
00:05:02,014 --> 00:05:03,294
(audience laughs)
145
00:05:03,294 --> 00:05:06,410
- Oh, they've got me to a T.
146
00:05:06,410 --> 00:05:10,577
You know, looking at that face
is a very eerie experience.
147
00:05:11,448 --> 00:05:12,812
- That's what I said to Mr. Humphries
148
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:13,836
the first day I met you.
149
00:05:13,836 --> 00:05:15,447
(audience laughs)
150
00:05:15,447 --> 00:05:16,534
- Now, Lucas, if you're going to be rude,
151
00:05:16,534 --> 00:05:17,367
you can return to your counter.
152
00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:20,115
I think the display have
done a wonderful job.
153
00:05:20,115 --> 00:05:22,115
It's absolutely life-like.
154
00:05:22,115 --> 00:05:24,078
- There's not so many wrinkles.
155
00:05:24,078 --> 00:05:26,835
- Well, they could've got
them all in only Mr. Grace
156
00:05:26,835 --> 00:05:28,398
wouldn't pay the overtime.
157
00:05:28,398 --> 00:05:29,955
(audience laughs)
158
00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:31,139
- If I may say so Mrs. Slocombe,
159
00:05:31,139 --> 00:05:33,100
I think you look a very handsome woman.
160
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,315
- Yes, and that brown
paper dress suits you
161
00:05:35,315 --> 00:05:36,439
down to the ground.
162
00:05:36,439 --> 00:05:37,758
(audience laughs)
163
00:05:37,758 --> 00:05:39,955
- I do like the way they've done my hair.
164
00:05:39,955 --> 00:05:42,078
- I'll tell you what, you
don't look so hot without it.
165
00:05:42,078 --> 00:05:44,911
(audience laughs)
166
00:05:46,278 --> 00:05:48,259
- You an ugly baby!
167
00:05:48,259 --> 00:05:49,715
- Mr. Harman, put that back at once.
168
00:05:49,715 --> 00:05:50,915
- Let's see the rest of it!
169
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:54,201
- Would you kindly not refer to me as it?
170
00:05:54,201 --> 00:05:55,784
- Here we are then.
171
00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:58,316
In all its glory.
172
00:06:00,478 --> 00:06:03,138
- Captain Peacock, I
refuse to be displayed
173
00:06:03,138 --> 00:06:05,518
with a size 50 bust.
174
00:06:05,518 --> 00:06:07,768
My vital statistics are 38!
175
00:06:08,773 --> 00:06:10,416
- What about the other ones?
176
00:06:10,416 --> 00:06:13,194
- DOn't worry, that can easily be fixed.
177
00:06:13,194 --> 00:06:16,027
(audience laughs)
178
00:06:17,215 --> 00:06:19,496
The trouble is, you've been overstuffed.
179
00:06:19,496 --> 00:06:20,996
(audience laughs)
180
00:06:20,996 --> 00:06:22,495
Say when, Mrs. Slocombe.
181
00:06:22,495 --> 00:06:24,138
- Stop him, Captain Peacock!
182
00:06:24,138 --> 00:06:27,498
I will not have rough
workman's hands inside my bra.
183
00:06:27,498 --> 00:06:30,196
(audience laughs)
184
00:06:30,196 --> 00:06:31,594
- This could be your last chance.
185
00:06:31,594 --> 00:06:33,935
(audience laughs)
186
00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:35,274
- I think that looks about right.
187
00:06:35,274 --> 00:06:36,337
- Yeah, right.
188
00:06:36,337 --> 00:06:37,818
- Her stockings are all wrinkled.
189
00:06:37,818 --> 00:06:38,895
- Allow me.
190
00:06:38,895 --> 00:06:41,728
(audience laughs)
191
00:06:43,233 --> 00:06:44,233
- Mr. Lucas!
192
00:06:45,454 --> 00:06:47,455
- I never knew you wore
suspenders, Mrs. Slocombe!
193
00:06:47,455 --> 00:06:50,010
- I don't and knock it off.
194
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,656
(audience laughs)
195
00:06:51,656 --> 00:06:52,952
- I don't know if you've
been having trouble
196
00:06:52,952 --> 00:06:54,335
with your elastic but there's a hell
197
00:06:54,335 --> 00:06:55,514
of a lot of sellotape up here.
198
00:06:55,514 --> 00:06:56,794
(audience laughs)
199
00:06:56,794 --> 00:06:58,218
- Excuse me, Mrs. Slocombe,
200
00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:01,738
but may I say how very
nice your hair looks today?
201
00:07:01,738 --> 00:07:05,396
(audience laughs)
202
00:07:05,396 --> 00:07:08,095
Alright, ignore me, you
bad-tempered old cow.
203
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:11,762
(audience laughs and claps)
204
00:07:16,778 --> 00:07:17,875
- Where do you want it?
205
00:07:17,875 --> 00:07:18,873
- Over there.
206
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:19,876
Just there, just there.
207
00:07:19,876 --> 00:07:21,514
- Do be careful with what you're
doing with your right hand.
208
00:07:21,514 --> 00:07:22,954
You're making my eyes water.
209
00:07:22,954 --> 00:07:24,138
(audience laughs)
210
00:07:24,138 --> 00:07:25,156
Good afternoon.
211
00:07:25,156 --> 00:07:26,436
Do you come here often?
212
00:07:26,436 --> 00:07:27,914
(audience laughs)
213
00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:29,156
- Well, what do you think?
214
00:07:29,156 --> 00:07:32,015
- Well, it's alright in
here but standing like that,
215
00:07:32,015 --> 00:07:33,913
I wouldn't give much for his
chances in a transport cafe
216
00:07:33,913 --> 00:07:35,556
on the A One.
217
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,554
(audience laughs)
218
00:07:36,554 --> 00:07:37,754
- I'm going to tell
Mr. Rumbold it arrived.
219
00:07:37,754 --> 00:07:39,098
- Oh, it's no good.
220
00:07:39,098 --> 00:07:40,255
I shall have to make some adjustments.
221
00:07:40,255 --> 00:07:41,875
It looks too posed.
222
00:07:41,875 --> 00:07:42,877
- Hang on.
223
00:07:42,877 --> 00:07:45,978
(audience laughs)
224
00:07:45,978 --> 00:07:46,975
- I shall smack your wrist
225
00:07:46,975 --> 00:07:48,815
if you don't stop interfering with me.
226
00:07:48,815 --> 00:07:51,396
There, now, do you think
that looks more normal?
227
00:07:51,396 --> 00:07:52,854
- It's as normal as you're gonna get.
228
00:07:52,854 --> 00:07:54,298
(audience laughs)
229
00:07:54,298 --> 00:07:56,055
- I don't like the angle of his head.
230
00:07:56,055 --> 00:07:57,236
(audience laughs)
231
00:07:57,236 --> 00:07:58,394
- Now we can soon fix that.
232
00:07:58,394 --> 00:07:59,818
Look, just give it a twist.
233
00:07:59,818 --> 00:08:02,634
Oh, you've got a stiff neck.
234
00:08:02,634 --> 00:08:03,636
- Let me try.
235
00:08:03,636 --> 00:08:06,419
I once trained as an osteopath
and when I got down to it,
236
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,635
I wasn't up to it.
237
00:08:07,635 --> 00:08:08,836
(audience laughs)
238
00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:10,711
Teeny toe it towards me.
239
00:08:10,711 --> 00:08:11,698
That's right.
240
00:08:11,698 --> 00:08:14,218
Yes, oh, nice firm chin. (laughs)
241
00:08:14,218 --> 00:08:15,551
Now, just relax.
242
00:08:16,436 --> 00:08:17,591
This won't take a moment.
243
00:08:17,591 --> 00:08:18,595
(audience laughs)
244
00:08:18,595 --> 00:08:19,636
Oh!
245
00:08:19,636 --> 00:08:21,434
(audience laughs)
246
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:23,851
- You fractured his say-chin.
247
00:08:24,756 --> 00:08:26,314
- Yes, that's why they
wouldn't let me finish
248
00:08:26,314 --> 00:08:27,476
as an osteopath.
249
00:08:27,476 --> 00:08:28,554
(audience laughs)
250
00:08:28,554 --> 00:08:29,574
- Oh, you'll be for it now!
251
00:08:29,574 --> 00:08:30,858
- Don't worry.
252
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:34,154
I'll take it down to
do-it-yourself, see Mr. Furlow.
253
00:08:34,154 --> 00:08:35,876
He'll fix it for you.
254
00:08:35,876 --> 00:08:37,994
- We better get it out of here.
255
00:08:37,994 --> 00:08:39,156
- I won't be a jiffy.
256
00:08:39,156 --> 00:08:40,071
- Yeah, well, alright,
get rid of it, will you?
257
00:08:40,071 --> 00:08:40,904
For goodness sake.
258
00:08:40,904 --> 00:08:42,638
- [Captain Peacock] They
really are quite life-like,
259
00:08:42,638 --> 00:08:43,471
Mr. Rumbold.
260
00:08:43,471 --> 00:08:44,304
- It's Rumbold!
261
00:08:44,304 --> 00:08:45,438
- What?
262
00:08:45,438 --> 00:08:46,271
Here, get on there.
263
00:08:46,271 --> 00:08:47,104
He'll never know the difference.
264
00:08:47,104 --> 00:08:47,937
- Oh!
265
00:08:49,775 --> 00:08:52,608
(audience laughs)
266
00:08:54,336 --> 00:08:58,025
- By Jove, they are
realistic, aren't they?
267
00:08:58,025 --> 00:08:59,343
- A lot of men have worked very hard
268
00:08:59,343 --> 00:09:00,964
to make her face look like that.
269
00:09:00,964 --> 00:09:01,967
(audience laughs)
270
00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:03,761
- And it shows.
271
00:09:03,761 --> 00:09:07,537
- I think they were right to
hold back on the wrinkles.
272
00:09:07,537 --> 00:09:09,524
- It's typical, isn't it?
273
00:09:09,524 --> 00:09:12,418
When a woman gets wrinkled, it's old age.
274
00:09:12,418 --> 00:09:15,418
When a man gets 'em, it's character.
275
00:09:16,328 --> 00:09:18,348
(audience laughs)
276
00:09:18,348 --> 00:09:20,045
- Something not quite
right about this one.
277
00:09:20,045 --> 00:09:22,248
(audience laughs)
278
00:09:22,248 --> 00:09:24,328
- Yes, they haven't quite caught
the expression, have they?
279
00:09:24,328 --> 00:09:26,947
- No, Humphries doesn't
look nearly as wet as that.
280
00:09:26,947 --> 00:09:28,925
(audience laughs)
281
00:09:28,925 --> 00:09:31,842
I'm not sure I like the mouth open.
282
00:09:33,505 --> 00:09:36,575
(audience laughs)
283
00:09:36,575 --> 00:09:37,578
Yes, that's better.
284
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,257
Now, I think there's been
some misunderstanding
285
00:09:39,257 --> 00:09:41,194
as to the purpose of these models.
286
00:09:41,194 --> 00:09:44,474
They are designed to help us
with our underwear displays.
287
00:09:44,474 --> 00:09:46,895
- Well, that could easily be fixed.
288
00:09:46,895 --> 00:09:49,728
(audience laughs)
289
00:09:55,674 --> 00:09:58,138
- Glass of water for Mrs. Slocombe
290
00:09:58,138 --> 00:09:59,237
and after seeing that lot,
291
00:09:59,237 --> 00:10:01,291
a glass of water for me as well.
292
00:10:01,291 --> 00:10:02,313
(audience laughs)
293
00:10:02,313 --> 00:10:03,472
- And this Walter?
294
00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:04,856
- Uh yes, strip him off.
295
00:10:04,856 --> 00:10:07,689
(audience laughs)
296
00:10:09,295 --> 00:10:10,494
- Pardon?
297
00:10:10,494 --> 00:10:11,827
- Strip him off.
298
00:10:14,538 --> 00:10:15,871
- Strip him off?
299
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,338
- Yes, well, get on with it.
300
00:10:19,338 --> 00:10:22,585
- Come on, Lucas, take
the arm, take the arm.
301
00:10:22,585 --> 00:10:25,418
(audience laughs)
302
00:10:35,304 --> 00:10:36,637
- Come on there.
303
00:10:37,864 --> 00:10:38,942
- What a lovely shirt he's got.
304
00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:41,923
Why don't we just leave him
in his shirt and trousers?
305
00:10:41,923 --> 00:10:44,782
- Because we're having a
special event in y-fronts.
306
00:10:44,782 --> 00:10:47,615
(audience laughs)
307
00:10:48,862 --> 00:10:50,440
- Many a true word.
308
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:51,503
(audience laughs)
309
00:10:51,503 --> 00:10:53,443
- You do the shirt, I'll
take the trousers down.
310
00:10:53,443 --> 00:10:56,276
(audience laughs)
311
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:07,980
- They're getting very thorough
in display, aren't they?
312
00:11:07,980 --> 00:11:10,813
(audience laughs)
313
00:11:12,662 --> 00:11:14,963
- Shall I explain your idea to them, sir?
314
00:11:14,963 --> 00:11:16,760
- Well, yes, I think perhaps you'd better.
315
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:17,763
I've forgotten it.
316
00:11:17,763 --> 00:11:19,283
(audience laughs)
317
00:11:19,283 --> 00:11:21,395
- Mr. Grace is continuing his campaign
318
00:11:21,395 --> 00:11:23,784
to advertise Grace Brothers.
319
00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:26,962
200 Mrs. Slocombes and 150 Mr. Humphries
320
00:11:26,962 --> 00:11:30,163
will be going on display
in our various branches.
321
00:11:30,163 --> 00:11:32,104
- If I'd known I was going to be displayed
322
00:11:32,104 --> 00:11:35,160
in 200 different
positions in my underwear,
323
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,480
I should've withheld my consent.
324
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,048
(audience laughs)
325
00:11:39,048 --> 00:11:41,160
- I'm already in the Portsmith
branch in my underwear
326
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,000
and I've had a lot of fan mail.
327
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,384
Most of which I don't
understand and none of which
328
00:11:45,384 --> 00:11:46,782
I intend to answer!
329
00:11:46,782 --> 00:11:48,083
(audience laughs)
330
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,504
And what's more, I was
only in the Chatham branch
331
00:11:50,504 --> 00:11:52,083
for half a day and I was stolen!
332
00:11:52,083 --> 00:11:54,024
Heaven knows where I am now!
333
00:11:54,024 --> 00:11:56,142
(audience laughs)
334
00:11:56,142 --> 00:11:58,920
- Well the point is that the
idea of using ordinary people
335
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:02,262
to advertise the sort of
goods that ordinary buy
336
00:12:02,262 --> 00:12:04,104
is working like a dream.
337
00:12:04,104 --> 00:12:06,742
Now, Mr. Grace went to
the cinema the other day.
338
00:12:06,742 --> 00:12:09,578
- Yes, I saw Blue Emmanuelle 4.
339
00:12:09,578 --> 00:12:10,862
(audience laughs)
340
00:12:10,862 --> 00:12:12,824
Had a very good idea
from it too, didn't I?
341
00:12:12,824 --> 00:12:13,960
(audience laughs)
342
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,263
- Oh, you did, Mr. Grace.
343
00:12:15,263 --> 00:12:19,301
- Well, the idea concern, the
advertising in the interval.
344
00:12:19,301 --> 00:12:22,480
Mr. Grace thinks it would be
a good scheme to advertise
345
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,576
Grace Brothers in the same
way that they advertise
346
00:12:24,576 --> 00:12:27,296
Chinese restaurants and
cigarettes and things.
347
00:12:27,296 --> 00:12:30,598
- I seem to remember a very
good one with Spike Milligan
348
00:12:30,598 --> 00:12:32,295
jumping through the bottom of a boat.
349
00:12:32,295 --> 00:12:33,296
- Yes, I didn't like that.
350
00:12:33,296 --> 00:12:34,838
(audience laughs)
351
00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:37,098
- No, no, Mr. Grace thought
that was rather silly.
352
00:12:37,098 --> 00:12:38,619
The whole point is,
353
00:12:38,619 --> 00:12:41,840
Mr. Grace thinks that we
should have ordinary people
354
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,216
like you to do the commercial.
355
00:12:44,216 --> 00:12:47,718
Now, our advertising agents
have been working on it
356
00:12:47,718 --> 00:12:49,776
and they've come up with a sort of script
357
00:12:49,776 --> 00:12:51,920
and a sort of storyline.
358
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,358
- Yes and a sort of ridiculous
price for making it.
359
00:12:54,358 --> 00:12:55,878
(audience laughs)
360
00:12:55,878 --> 00:12:57,242
- Precisely, yes.
361
00:12:57,242 --> 00:13:00,515
Mr. Grace thinks that between
the display department
362
00:13:00,515 --> 00:13:02,918
and photographic and ourselves,
363
00:13:02,918 --> 00:13:04,720
that we could have a go at it.
364
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:07,558
Now, it all takes place
in a sort of cocktail bar
365
00:13:07,558 --> 00:13:08,918
at the Coco Club.
366
00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,336
- Was that my idea?
367
00:13:10,336 --> 00:13:11,339
- Yes, sir.
368
00:13:11,339 --> 00:13:13,419
- Say, I really am on the ball, aren't I?
369
00:13:13,419 --> 00:13:15,313
(audience laughs)
370
00:13:15,313 --> 00:13:18,563
(cash register chimes)
371
00:13:24,390 --> 00:13:27,223
(audience laughs)
372
00:13:30,678 --> 00:13:32,240
- Is all this really necessary?
373
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,573
- Switch him off, Mr. Lucas.
374
00:13:35,735 --> 00:13:38,738
(audience laughs)
375
00:13:38,738 --> 00:13:39,853
- I'm glad that's over.
376
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:42,079
- Beauty must pay the price.
377
00:13:42,079 --> 00:13:44,956
- It says in the script a
man, not unlike David Niven,
378
00:13:44,956 --> 00:13:47,920
comes into the Coco Club
and you, Captain Peacock,
379
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,078
are the most not unlike
David Niven person we've got.
380
00:13:50,078 --> 00:13:51,277
(audience laughs)
381
00:13:51,277 --> 00:13:53,255
- The resemblance has been remarked upon.
382
00:13:53,255 --> 00:13:55,455
- You know your hair's
in quite good condition.
383
00:13:55,455 --> 00:13:57,398
It moves quite nicely.
384
00:13:57,398 --> 00:13:59,040
(audience laughs)
385
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,880
- It comes out quite nicely, too.
386
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,336
(audience laughs)
387
00:14:02,336 --> 00:14:03,600
- Now, purse your lips.
388
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:04,433
Like that.
389
00:14:05,317 --> 00:14:08,298
They are sensuous but very dry.
390
00:14:08,298 --> 00:14:11,017
- What precisely do we do
about that, Mr. Director?
391
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:14,135
- If this was MGM, I'd
suggest Lana Turner lip gloss,
392
00:14:14,135 --> 00:14:15,936
but as it's Grace Brothers,
393
00:14:15,936 --> 00:14:18,491
a quick smear with a canteen drip in.
394
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:19,936
(audience laughs)
395
00:14:19,936 --> 00:14:21,178
- Oh, drat!
396
00:14:21,178 --> 00:14:22,256
- What's the matter, Mrs. Slocombe?
397
00:14:22,256 --> 00:14:24,118
- Oh, it's these damned eyelashes.
398
00:14:24,118 --> 00:14:25,616
- Well, yours aren't big enough, dear.
399
00:14:25,616 --> 00:14:26,880
They won't show up on the screen.
400
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,339
Remember, you're playing
the part of a femme fatale.
401
00:14:29,339 --> 00:14:31,877
- But it's like looking through bars.
402
00:14:31,877 --> 00:14:33,259
(audience laughs)
403
00:14:33,259 --> 00:14:34,896
I might as well be in Holloway.
404
00:14:34,896 --> 00:14:36,332
(audience laughs)
405
00:14:36,332 --> 00:14:37,760
- Just give it a couple of blinks.
406
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:40,299
(audience laughs)
407
00:14:40,299 --> 00:14:41,520
- Oh, oh!
408
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:42,813
The left one's stuck.
409
00:14:42,813 --> 00:14:44,776
(audience laughs)
410
00:14:44,776 --> 00:14:46,295
- It would've been easier
getting Spike Milligan
411
00:14:46,295 --> 00:14:47,520
jumping through the bottom of a boat.
412
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,561
They'll be alright when the glue dries.
413
00:14:49,561 --> 00:14:50,960
- You seem to know a lot about it.
414
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,937
- Well, I have the same
trouble with my mother
415
00:14:52,937 --> 00:14:54,598
every Friday when she goes to the Bingo.
416
00:14:54,598 --> 00:14:55,680
- Here you are, Mrs. Slocombe.
417
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:56,916
Use this as a tire lever.
418
00:14:56,916 --> 00:14:58,480
- Oh, thank you, Mr. Lucas.
419
00:14:58,480 --> 00:14:59,980
Oh, that's better.
420
00:15:01,321 --> 00:15:03,216
The other one's gone.
421
00:15:03,216 --> 00:15:05,056
(audience laughs)
422
00:15:05,056 --> 00:15:06,296
- When they dry they'll crack open.
423
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:08,736
Now, let's have a look at the hair.
424
00:15:08,736 --> 00:15:11,073
See what this looks.
425
00:15:11,073 --> 00:15:13,131
(audience laughs)
426
00:15:13,131 --> 00:15:16,699
You think David Nevin'll go for that?
427
00:15:16,699 --> 00:15:18,855
- Well, if he's reduced
to going to the Coco Club,
428
00:15:18,855 --> 00:15:21,040
he can't afford to be too choosy, can he?
429
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,278
(audience laughs)
430
00:15:24,278 --> 00:15:26,334
- You're playing the leader
of the gypsy orchestra.
431
00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:28,080
Could I have the mustache, Mr. Lucas?
432
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,379
- Yes, mustache coming up.
433
00:15:30,379 --> 00:15:32,176
There we are.
434
00:15:32,176 --> 00:15:34,560
(audience laughs)
435
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,057
- Other way up, Mr. Lucas.
436
00:15:36,057 --> 00:15:37,136
- Oh, I'm sorry.
437
00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:39,136
Brace yourself, Mr. Rumbold.
438
00:15:39,136 --> 00:15:40,480
- Ah!
439
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,647
- Here we are.
440
00:15:43,713 --> 00:15:45,696
- It's a bit Fu Manchu
but it'll have to do.
441
00:15:45,696 --> 00:15:46,755
(audience laughs)
442
00:15:46,755 --> 00:15:48,219
What about the wig?
443
00:15:48,219 --> 00:15:49,776
- Oh, do I have to have a wig?
444
00:15:49,776 --> 00:15:52,358
- It's all part of the
magic world of make believe.
445
00:15:52,358 --> 00:15:53,638
- Yeah, look over there.
446
00:15:53,638 --> 00:15:56,471
(audience laughs)
447
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:01,599
- I distinctly told you to get me
448
00:16:01,599 --> 00:16:03,760
a Burt Reynolds six and 3/4.
449
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,598
- They've sold out of
Burt Reynolds six and 3/4.
450
00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:08,640
- That is no excuse for bringing me
451
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,720
a Liza Minnelli six and 7/8.
452
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:11,721
(audience laughs)
453
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:14,016
- It's either that or
a Max Bygraves 9 1/2.
454
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,419
(audience laughs)
455
00:16:15,419 --> 00:16:16,753
- Look at what they've sent me!
456
00:16:16,753 --> 00:16:18,560
- Oh yes, Mr. Granger.
457
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,096
Now what part is he playing, Mr. Lucas?
458
00:16:20,096 --> 00:16:21,659
- Henry the lovable old bartender.
459
00:16:21,659 --> 00:16:23,899
(audience laughs)
460
00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:26,615
- Damn fools, the sleeves
are miles too long.
461
00:16:26,615 --> 00:16:27,776
- Don't worry, Mr. Granger.
462
00:16:27,776 --> 00:16:29,419
They'll ride up with wear.
463
00:16:29,419 --> 00:16:30,720
(audience laughs)
464
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,096
- Don't give me that.
465
00:16:32,096 --> 00:16:34,758
And what's more, I
can't do my trousers up.
466
00:16:34,758 --> 00:16:36,438
(audience laughs)
467
00:16:36,438 --> 00:16:37,561
- They won't show,
you'll be behind the bar.
468
00:16:37,561 --> 00:16:38,640
Go on, off you go.
469
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:39,473
That's it.
470
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:43,878
- My tail's come off.
471
00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,055
Will you put it on for me?
472
00:16:45,055 --> 00:16:46,056
- Certainly, Shirley.
473
00:16:46,056 --> 00:16:47,056
- Not you!
474
00:16:47,056 --> 00:16:49,192
Mr. Humphries, do you know where it goes?
475
00:16:49,192 --> 00:16:51,315
- Contrary to popular belief, yes.
476
00:16:51,315 --> 00:16:52,515
(audience laughs)
477
00:16:52,515 --> 00:16:54,531
Turn around and touch your toes.
478
00:16:54,531 --> 00:16:55,854
About there Mr. Lucas?
479
00:16:55,854 --> 00:16:57,256
- Dead on target, Mr. Humphries.
480
00:16:57,256 --> 00:16:58,254
- Contact.
481
00:16:58,254 --> 00:17:00,014
- You can put these on.
482
00:17:00,014 --> 00:17:03,155
- Oh, thanks, Shirley. (laughs)
483
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:04,812
(audience laughs)
484
00:17:04,812 --> 00:17:05,814
- Not there!
485
00:17:05,814 --> 00:17:07,438
They go on my shoes only I can't see
486
00:17:07,438 --> 00:17:09,235
'cause they've built me up so much.
487
00:17:09,235 --> 00:17:10,894
(audience laughs)
488
00:17:10,894 --> 00:17:12,492
- I'm Crawford from Photographics.
489
00:17:12,492 --> 00:17:13,496
I'm the camera man.
490
00:17:13,496 --> 00:17:14,494
- Oh, hello.
491
00:17:14,494 --> 00:17:15,496
Humphries, Menswear.
492
00:17:15,496 --> 00:17:16,494
I'm the director.
493
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:18,254
- Do you mean to say with your looks,
494
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:19,838
you're not going to be in it?
495
00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:21,099
- Oh, well, one has to decide which side
496
00:17:21,099 --> 00:17:22,435
of the fence to be on.
497
00:17:22,435 --> 00:17:25,338
- And it's not always
an easy decision, is it?
498
00:17:25,338 --> 00:17:28,078
(audience laughs)
499
00:17:28,078 --> 00:17:31,415
Anyway, I'm lit, I'm
loaded and I'm ready to go.
500
00:17:31,415 --> 00:17:33,838
- I think I've chosen the
wrong side of the fence.
501
00:17:33,838 --> 00:17:35,718
(audience laughs)
502
00:17:35,718 --> 00:17:37,798
- Excuse me, Mr. Peck-and-poof,
503
00:17:37,798 --> 00:17:39,199
(audience laughs)
504
00:17:39,199 --> 00:17:41,276
we've got the sound
recording machine ready now.
505
00:17:41,276 --> 00:17:43,496
- Oh, yes, that's Mr. Crawford,
the camera man, over there.
506
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:46,814
- It's no good talking to me
until I've plugged my jack in.
507
00:17:46,814 --> 00:17:48,478
(audience laughs)
508
00:17:48,478 --> 00:17:49,475
Nod if you understand.
509
00:17:49,475 --> 00:17:51,058
Right you are then.
510
00:17:52,058 --> 00:17:53,118
- Right, places everybody.
511
00:17:53,118 --> 00:17:54,115
Opening positions.
512
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:55,176
Opening positions.
513
00:17:55,176 --> 00:17:57,134
- I do like a man who knows what he wants.
514
00:17:57,134 --> 00:17:58,136
- Oh, good.
515
00:17:58,136 --> 00:17:59,598
Well, get behind your camera
516
00:17:59,598 --> 00:18:00,974
and don't push it 'til I tell you.
517
00:18:00,974 --> 00:18:02,435
(audience laughs)
518
00:18:02,435 --> 00:18:04,755
I hope you all learned
your words last night.
519
00:18:04,755 --> 00:18:06,718
- Well, I didn't have much to learn.
520
00:18:06,718 --> 00:18:11,678
Lovable old bartender does
nothing but wag his shaker.
521
00:18:11,678 --> 00:18:13,038
(audience laughs)
522
00:18:13,038 --> 00:18:14,035
- Get behind the bar.
523
00:18:14,035 --> 00:18:15,736
Get behind the bar.
524
00:18:15,736 --> 00:18:16,852
- I'm wagging my shaker now?
525
00:18:16,852 --> 00:18:17,843
- Yes.
526
00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:19,256
- Well, but in the script,
527
00:18:19,256 --> 00:18:22,035
nobody's asked me for a cocktail yet.
528
00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:23,637
- Well, why don't you just stand there
529
00:18:23,637 --> 00:18:25,072
and arrange your nuts?
530
00:18:25,072 --> 00:18:27,838
(audience laughs)
531
00:18:27,838 --> 00:18:29,838
- Mr. Lucas, I am the
director of this film
532
00:18:29,838 --> 00:18:33,040
and if I find any artistic
value in his arranging his nuts,
533
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:34,755
I shall be the one to tell him.
534
00:18:34,755 --> 00:18:35,976
(audience laughs)
535
00:18:35,976 --> 00:18:37,092
- I'm sorry, Mr. Humphries.
536
00:18:37,092 --> 00:18:39,875
- Well, I could count my olives.
537
00:18:39,875 --> 00:18:41,896
- Can we drop the subject?
538
00:18:41,896 --> 00:18:43,396
One, two, three --
539
00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:46,878
- Will you shut up?
540
00:18:46,878 --> 00:18:48,214
(audience laughs)
541
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:49,715
- I was only trying to be helpful.
542
00:18:49,715 --> 00:18:51,455
- Mrs. Slocombe?
543
00:18:51,455 --> 00:18:52,835
Mrs. Slocombe.
544
00:18:52,835 --> 00:18:55,668
(audience laughs)
545
00:19:02,894 --> 00:19:04,035
Are you alright, Mrs. Slocombe?
546
00:19:04,035 --> 00:19:05,598
What's the matter?
547
00:19:05,598 --> 00:19:06,595
- I can't blink.
548
00:19:06,595 --> 00:19:07,856
They're not dry yet.
549
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:08,874
(audience laughs)
550
00:19:08,874 --> 00:19:09,871
- I'll come to you in a minute.
551
00:19:09,871 --> 00:19:11,072
Now, Captain Peacock.
552
00:19:11,072 --> 00:19:15,677
Now, you are the suave David
Niven type man about town.
553
00:19:15,677 --> 00:19:18,817
Now, you come down the stairs
wearing your Grace Brothers
554
00:19:18,817 --> 00:19:20,174
lightweight two piece.
555
00:19:20,174 --> 00:19:22,795
On your arm is the Grace
Brothers shar-poof,
556
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:26,231
on the other arm is your
Grace Brothers pop-a-brolly.
557
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:29,752
Now, on your head is your
travel trilby at a jaunty angle.
558
00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:31,110
(laughs) Good.
559
00:19:31,110 --> 00:19:32,250
Now, you come down the stairs
560
00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:33,970
and you hand it to the check girl.
561
00:19:33,970 --> 00:19:34,968
The hat check girl.
562
00:19:34,968 --> 00:19:36,248
Now, that's you, Miss Brahms.
563
00:19:36,248 --> 00:19:37,250
- Oh!
564
00:19:37,250 --> 00:19:38,248
- Yes, come over here.
565
00:19:38,248 --> 00:19:39,250
We'll rehearse this, please.
566
00:19:39,250 --> 00:19:40,404
- Could we rehearse the sound, please?
567
00:19:40,404 --> 00:19:43,366
- I can see the microphone.
568
00:19:43,366 --> 00:19:44,408
Higher, please.
569
00:19:44,408 --> 00:19:45,410
Higher.
570
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:46,426
Super.
571
00:19:46,426 --> 00:19:47,432
- Action.
572
00:19:47,432 --> 00:19:50,265
(audience laughs)
573
00:19:54,803 --> 00:19:57,636
(audience laughs)
574
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,530
- [Miss Brahms] Thank you, sir.
575
00:20:05,530 --> 00:20:06,528
(audience laughs)
576
00:20:06,528 --> 00:20:07,770
Here is your ticket.
577
00:20:07,770 --> 00:20:10,603
(audience laughs)
578
00:20:15,045 --> 00:20:16,563
- That wasn't quite right, was it?
579
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:18,349
(audience laughs)
580
00:20:18,349 --> 00:20:20,047
- We'll do it again in a minute.
581
00:20:20,047 --> 00:20:21,090
Now, we must carry on.
582
00:20:21,090 --> 00:20:24,210
Right, you cross to the
bar and you see sitting
583
00:20:24,210 --> 00:20:25,968
at the bar a glamorous woman
584
00:20:25,968 --> 00:20:28,408
wearing her Grace
Brothers cocktail casual.
585
00:20:28,408 --> 00:20:31,432
Mrs. Slocombe, on the stool, please.
586
00:20:31,432 --> 00:20:34,265
(audience laughs)
587
00:20:46,952 --> 00:20:49,369
- Give her a hand, Mr. Lucas.
588
00:20:50,888 --> 00:20:53,721
(audience laughs)
589
00:21:06,171 --> 00:21:09,004
(audience laughs)
590
00:21:18,723 --> 00:21:21,629
- Will you try and remember,
you're a woman of mystery?
591
00:21:21,629 --> 00:21:23,010
(audience laughs)
592
00:21:23,010 --> 00:21:24,829
- Not after getting on that
stool, she's not. (laughs)
593
00:21:24,829 --> 00:21:27,208
- That will be quite enough, Mr. Lucas.
594
00:21:27,208 --> 00:21:30,041
(audience laughs)
595
00:21:31,170 --> 00:21:33,810
- You go to the bar and you see Henry,
596
00:21:33,810 --> 00:21:36,130
the lovable old bartender.
597
00:21:36,130 --> 00:21:38,449
- My trousers are coming down.
598
00:21:38,449 --> 00:21:41,389
(audience laughs)
599
00:21:41,389 --> 00:21:43,112
- Well, you're not called
the lovable old bartender
600
00:21:43,112 --> 00:21:44,429
for nothing, are you?
601
00:21:44,429 --> 00:21:46,730
(audience laughs)
602
00:21:46,730 --> 00:21:50,232
- You say your first line,
"The usual please, Henry."
603
00:21:50,232 --> 00:21:52,472
Right, now we'll try that.
604
00:21:52,472 --> 00:21:54,568
- Am I supposed to be holding this?
605
00:21:54,568 --> 00:21:56,109
- No, take it from him, Mr. Lucas.
606
00:21:56,109 --> 00:21:57,276
Right, action.
607
00:22:02,049 --> 00:22:04,123
- The usual please, Henry.
608
00:22:04,123 --> 00:22:05,530
- Good evening, sir.
609
00:22:05,530 --> 00:22:07,551
How very nice to see you again.
610
00:22:07,551 --> 00:22:08,549
- What are you doing?
611
00:22:08,549 --> 00:22:09,752
You're not supposed to say anything!
612
00:22:09,752 --> 00:22:10,762
(audience laughs)
613
00:22:10,762 --> 00:22:11,753
- I was only being polite.
614
00:22:11,753 --> 00:22:13,770
I'm supposed to be a
lovable old bartender.
615
00:22:13,770 --> 00:22:15,312
(audience laughs)
616
00:22:15,312 --> 00:22:16,688
- It doesn't say that here.
617
00:22:16,688 --> 00:22:18,208
- Well, but it should though.
618
00:22:18,208 --> 00:22:19,509
He knows my name.
619
00:22:19,509 --> 00:22:21,008
Am I supposed to ignore him?
620
00:22:21,008 --> 00:22:22,528
(audience laughs)
621
00:22:22,528 --> 00:22:23,728
- Just shake your cocktails.
622
00:22:23,728 --> 00:22:25,348
(audience laughs)
623
00:22:25,348 --> 00:22:27,643
Right, you see the woman.
624
00:22:27,643 --> 00:22:28,643
She's alone.
625
00:22:29,610 --> 00:22:30,443
You smile.
626
00:22:32,284 --> 00:22:33,965
(audience laughs)
627
00:22:33,965 --> 00:22:36,366
Now, show the, Mr. Granger?
628
00:22:36,366 --> 00:22:38,730
(cocktail shaking loudly)
629
00:22:38,730 --> 00:22:40,149
Mr. Granger!
630
00:22:40,149 --> 00:22:41,469
- I can't hear you.
631
00:22:41,469 --> 00:22:43,650
(audience laughs)
632
00:22:43,650 --> 00:22:45,693
You'll have to wait until I
finish making the cocktail.
633
00:22:45,693 --> 00:22:47,693
- What are you doing?
634
00:22:47,693 --> 00:22:50,526
- I'm making his usual, a Sidecar.
635
00:22:51,549 --> 00:22:53,373
(audience laughs)
636
00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:54,591
- Just forget about the cocktail.
637
00:22:54,591 --> 00:22:56,290
Get him a whiskey and soda.
638
00:22:56,290 --> 00:22:57,533
- Well, that's not his usual.
639
00:22:57,533 --> 00:22:59,690
- His usual is what I say it is.
640
00:22:59,690 --> 00:23:01,810
(audience laughs)
641
00:23:01,810 --> 00:23:03,613
- You two, for God sake,
hurry up, will you?
642
00:23:03,613 --> 00:23:04,653
This is killing me!
643
00:23:04,653 --> 00:23:05,668
(audience laughs)
644
00:23:05,668 --> 00:23:07,133
- You open the coat to show the label
645
00:23:07,133 --> 00:23:09,248
and you take out your cigarette case.
646
00:23:09,248 --> 00:23:10,081
Action.
647
00:23:12,573 --> 00:23:14,072
- Would you like one?
648
00:23:14,072 --> 00:23:15,810
- Oh, I didn't see you there.
649
00:23:15,810 --> 00:23:17,030
(audience laughs)
650
00:23:17,030 --> 00:23:17,863
How kind.
651
00:23:18,811 --> 00:23:22,152
(audience laughs)
652
00:23:22,152 --> 00:23:23,235
- Keep going.
653
00:23:26,050 --> 00:23:28,883
(audience laughs)
654
00:23:30,250 --> 00:23:33,411
- We'll get that right next time.
655
00:23:33,411 --> 00:23:34,806
- The sound is hopeless.
656
00:23:34,806 --> 00:23:37,306
Give it a radio mic, Mr. Lucas.
657
00:23:37,306 --> 00:23:38,890
- Well, here, hold that one.
658
00:23:38,890 --> 00:23:40,170
Here.
659
00:23:40,170 --> 00:23:41,950
Put this on, Mrs. Slocombe.
660
00:23:41,950 --> 00:23:43,566
- What do I do with that?
661
00:23:43,566 --> 00:23:45,786
- You put it down there.
662
00:23:45,786 --> 00:23:47,130
- Down where?
663
00:23:47,130 --> 00:23:48,487
(audience laughs)
664
00:23:48,487 --> 00:23:49,690
- Allow me.
665
00:23:49,690 --> 00:23:51,968
(audience laughs)
666
00:23:51,968 --> 00:23:53,724
- If anything is to be
located in my cleavage,
667
00:23:53,724 --> 00:23:55,989
I'll do the locating.
668
00:23:55,989 --> 00:23:57,248
Oh, oh!
669
00:23:57,248 --> 00:23:58,330
It's dropped down.
670
00:23:58,330 --> 00:24:01,589
(audience laughs)
671
00:24:01,589 --> 00:24:05,309
- It slipped right down, Mr. Hammer.
672
00:24:05,309 --> 00:24:06,688
- Well, it couldn't have gone that far.
673
00:24:06,688 --> 00:24:07,946
(audience laughs)
674
00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:10,346
Tell her to speak up a bit
and while you're at it,
675
00:24:10,346 --> 00:24:13,229
ask Captain Peacock for a voice test.
676
00:24:13,229 --> 00:24:15,648
I want to try and get him
on the same radio mic.
677
00:24:15,648 --> 00:24:16,890
- Say the next line.
678
00:24:16,890 --> 00:24:19,557
- Your face seems very familiar.
679
00:24:20,869 --> 00:24:22,069
- That's very faint.
680
00:24:22,069 --> 00:24:23,310
Get closer.
681
00:24:23,310 --> 00:24:24,346
- Closer.
682
00:24:24,346 --> 00:24:26,106
- Your face seems very familiar.
683
00:24:26,106 --> 00:24:27,109
- Closer.
684
00:24:27,109 --> 00:24:28,859
- [Mr. Lucas] Closer.
685
00:24:30,358 --> 00:24:32,188
(audience laughs)
686
00:24:32,188 --> 00:24:35,608
- Your face seems very familiar.
687
00:24:35,608 --> 00:24:36,806
- How's that?
688
00:24:36,806 --> 00:24:38,763
- Like somebody yelling down a lift shaft.
689
00:24:38,763 --> 00:24:41,885
(audience laughs)
690
00:24:41,885 --> 00:24:43,221
- Hang on a minute.
691
00:24:43,221 --> 00:24:45,245
I'm getting some very
extraneous noises here.
692
00:24:45,245 --> 00:24:46,824
Listen, listen, listen.
693
00:24:46,824 --> 00:24:50,241
(grumbling and bubbling)
694
00:24:54,461 --> 00:24:56,021
- Blimey, it did go down
a long way, didn't it?
695
00:24:56,021 --> 00:24:57,645
(audience laughs)
696
00:24:57,645 --> 00:24:58,708
- Well, I can't help it.
697
00:24:58,708 --> 00:25:00,664
It's past my dinner time.
698
00:25:00,664 --> 00:25:02,824
- Wouldn't it be better if
he shouted up her skirt?
699
00:25:02,824 --> 00:25:05,657
(audience laughs)
700
00:25:07,083 --> 00:25:09,624
- Nobody is shouting up my skirt
701
00:25:09,624 --> 00:25:12,104
saying they recognize the face.
702
00:25:12,104 --> 00:25:14,045
(audience laughs)
703
00:25:14,045 --> 00:25:16,663
- Mr. Lucas, it's up to you
to get as much as the sound
704
00:25:16,663 --> 00:25:17,805
as you can.
705
00:25:17,805 --> 00:25:19,043
- Alright, alright.
706
00:25:19,043 --> 00:25:20,726
Before we get to the dance part,
707
00:25:20,726 --> 00:25:23,962
I must point out that I can't
give you any gypsy music
708
00:25:23,962 --> 00:25:25,265
with this thing.
709
00:25:25,265 --> 00:25:26,922
- Oh, don't make
difficulties, Mr. Rumbold.
710
00:25:26,922 --> 00:25:28,659
- Well, if you're happy with this,
711
00:25:28,659 --> 00:25:31,659
(flatulence sounds)
712
00:25:34,146 --> 00:25:35,544
(audience laughs)
713
00:25:35,544 --> 00:25:36,566
- Blimey!
714
00:25:36,566 --> 00:25:37,547
Now where's she got the microphone?
715
00:25:37,547 --> 00:25:40,380
(audience laughs)
716
00:25:42,524 --> 00:25:45,107
- We'll put the music on later.
717
00:25:46,225 --> 00:25:47,541
- I hope you're ready to do my bit
718
00:25:47,541 --> 00:25:49,380
because I've only got five minutes.
719
00:25:49,380 --> 00:25:51,943
- Oh, how can one director
film under these conditions?
720
00:25:51,943 --> 00:25:53,463
- I know how you feel.
721
00:25:53,463 --> 00:25:54,848
There's only one thing you can do.
722
00:25:54,848 --> 00:25:56,336
Go for a take.
723
00:25:56,336 --> 00:25:59,541
I always find there's someone
up there looking after you.
724
00:25:59,541 --> 00:26:01,461
- Well, let's hope he's working overtime.
725
00:26:01,461 --> 00:26:02,498
(audience laughs)
726
00:26:02,498 --> 00:26:03,584
Right, now you all know the plot.
727
00:26:03,584 --> 00:26:05,141
Opening positions and we're going to do it
728
00:26:05,141 --> 00:26:06,202
for real this time.
729
00:26:06,202 --> 00:26:09,424
Now, Mr. Grace, you're over
here with your champagne.
730
00:26:09,424 --> 00:26:11,360
Come along over here.
731
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:12,761
That's right.
732
00:26:12,761 --> 00:26:14,464
Here's the glass and the bottle.
733
00:26:14,464 --> 00:26:16,901
- Can't we have the girls in?
734
00:26:16,901 --> 00:26:17,904
- No, Mr. Grace.
735
00:26:17,904 --> 00:26:18,960
- Well, I tried.
736
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,061
(audience laughs)
737
00:26:21,061 --> 00:26:23,322
- Recording running?
738
00:26:23,322 --> 00:26:24,321
- Check!
739
00:26:24,321 --> 00:26:26,144
- Camera running?
740
00:26:26,144 --> 00:26:27,561
- Smooth as silk.
741
00:26:30,900 --> 00:26:34,981
- Grace Brothers cinema
commercial, take one.
742
00:26:34,981 --> 00:26:36,439
Oh!
743
00:26:36,439 --> 00:26:39,219
(audience laughs)
744
00:26:39,219 --> 00:26:40,052
- Action!
745
00:26:41,223 --> 00:26:43,973
(romantic music)
746
00:26:46,025 --> 00:26:48,858
(audience laughs)
747
00:26:52,343 --> 00:26:53,176
- Yuck!
748
00:26:54,882 --> 00:26:56,986
The usual please, Henry.
749
00:26:56,986 --> 00:26:58,677
- (Laughs)
750
00:26:58,677 --> 00:27:01,101
(audience laughs)
751
00:27:01,101 --> 00:27:02,851
- Can I give you one?
752
00:27:05,351 --> 00:27:07,768
- Oh, I didn't see you there.
753
00:27:09,018 --> 00:27:09,851
How kind.
754
00:27:10,778 --> 00:27:13,257
(audience laughs)
755
00:27:13,257 --> 00:27:15,378
- Allow me, allow me.
756
00:27:15,378 --> 00:27:18,211
(audience laughs)
757
00:27:21,015 --> 00:27:22,095
- Say when.
758
00:27:22,095 --> 00:27:23,254
- When!
759
00:27:23,254 --> 00:27:25,709
(audience laughs)
760
00:27:25,709 --> 00:27:26,898
Shall we dance?
761
00:27:26,898 --> 00:27:30,215
- Oh, I was hoping you'd
ask, whoever you are.
762
00:27:30,215 --> 00:27:33,815
(audience laughs)
763
00:27:33,815 --> 00:27:35,714
- If I may say so,
764
00:27:35,714 --> 00:27:37,794
it is a most unusual dress you're wearing.
765
00:27:37,794 --> 00:27:41,961
- Yes, I'm dressed from top
to bottom with Grace Brothers.
766
00:27:42,837 --> 00:27:45,337
- What a coincidence, so am I!
767
00:27:49,298 --> 00:27:51,234
(audience laughs)
768
00:27:51,234 --> 00:27:53,698
(flatulence sounds from accordion)
769
00:27:53,698 --> 00:27:55,634
(audience laughs)
770
00:27:55,634 --> 00:27:57,310
So here we are dressed
in our favorite clothes,
771
00:27:57,310 --> 00:27:58,795
dancing to our favorite tune.
772
00:27:58,795 --> 00:28:01,628
(audience laughs)
773
00:28:05,618 --> 00:28:08,317
- You have a bubbly champagne time
774
00:28:08,317 --> 00:28:11,277
(audience laughs)
775
00:28:11,277 --> 00:28:13,874
shopping at Grace Brothers.
776
00:28:13,874 --> 00:28:14,957
Oh, dear.
777
00:28:14,957 --> 00:28:18,634
I need a wider glass or a longer bottle.
778
00:28:18,634 --> 00:28:20,935
(audience laughs)
779
00:28:20,935 --> 00:28:21,768
- Cut!
780
00:28:22,658 --> 00:28:23,655
- Well, then.
781
00:28:23,655 --> 00:28:24,658
What do you think?
782
00:28:24,658 --> 00:28:25,655
You're the director.
783
00:28:25,655 --> 00:28:26,672
- Well, you're the boss, Mr. Grace.
784
00:28:26,672 --> 00:28:27,839
- Mr. Rumbold?
785
00:28:29,975 --> 00:28:32,375
Get onto the advertising agency.
786
00:28:32,375 --> 00:28:34,338
We'll have Spike Milligan
jumping through the bottom
787
00:28:34,338 --> 00:28:35,997
of the boat.
788
00:28:35,997 --> 00:28:39,747
(audience laughs and claps)
53569
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