1
00:00:01,416 --> 00:00:04,666
(cash register chimes)

2
00:00:05,815 --> 00:00:09,016
(upbeat music)

3
00:00:09,016 --> 00:00:10,359
- [Female] Ground floor,
perfumeries, stationary,

4
00:00:10,359 --> 00:00:11,357
and leather goods,
sweeps and haberdashery,

5
00:00:11,357 --> 00:00:13,940
kitchenware and food, going up.

6
00:00:17,949 --> 00:00:20,720
First floor, telephones,
gents ready-made suits,

7
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,003
socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes.

8
00:00:24,003 --> 00:00:25,022
- Good morning, sir.

9
00:00:25,022 --> 00:00:26,004
Are you being served?

10
00:00:26,004 --> 00:00:27,300
- I am looking for perfume.

11
00:00:27,300 --> 00:00:29,363
- Oh, this way, sir.

12
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,720
Mrs. Slocombe, are you free?

13
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,553
(audience laughs)

14
00:00:36,018 --> 00:00:37,381
- I am free.

15
00:00:37,381 --> 00:00:39,163
- This lady will take care of you, sir.

16
00:00:39,163 --> 00:00:40,320
- Thank you.

17
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:41,323
- He's handsome.

18
00:00:41,323 --> 00:00:42,396
- He's mine.

19
00:00:42,396 --> 00:00:43,757
Good morning.

20
00:00:43,757 --> 00:00:44,763
(audience laughs)

21
00:00:44,763 --> 00:00:45,963
- I wish to buy some perfume.

22
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:48,411
- Well, as you can see, we
have quite a large range.

23
00:00:48,411 --> 00:00:51,161
Now, this one is called Hilarity.

24
00:00:53,083 --> 00:00:56,763
It's inviting and, at
the same time, amusing.

25
00:00:56,763 --> 00:00:57,596
- Pardon.

26
00:00:59,181 --> 00:01:02,224
That has a background of onions.

27
00:01:02,224 --> 00:01:04,363
(audience laughs)

28
00:01:04,363 --> 00:01:06,191
- Yes, well, I made
art-pork before I come in.

29
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:07,685
(audience laughs)

30
00:01:07,685 --> 00:01:11,264
- Perhaps, this young lady
will demonstrate one for me.

31
00:01:11,264 --> 00:01:13,181
Perhaps, this one, huh?

32
00:01:20,333 --> 00:01:21,166
Pardon.

33
00:01:23,270 --> 00:01:24,103
Ah, yes.

34
00:01:26,166 --> 00:01:28,999
(audience laughs)

35
00:01:29,841 --> 00:01:30,674
Very sexy.

36
00:01:32,865 --> 00:01:34,756
- Oh yes, all the men say that.

37
00:01:34,756 --> 00:01:36,124
(audience laughs)

38
00:01:36,124 --> 00:01:38,534
Unfortunately, we only have the spray left

39
00:01:38,534 --> 00:01:40,425
and it's 10 pounds.

40
00:01:40,425 --> 00:01:41,649
(audience laughs)

41
00:01:41,649 --> 00:01:42,801
- That is ideal.

42
00:01:42,801 --> 00:01:43,699
- Oh!

43
00:01:43,699 --> 00:01:44,618
- Thank you.

44
00:01:44,618 --> 00:01:45,516
- Well, shall I have it gift wrapped?

45
00:01:45,516 --> 00:01:46,636
- Oh, no, no, no, thank you.

46
00:01:46,636 --> 00:01:48,076
I will wear it.

47
00:01:48,076 --> 00:01:50,909
(audience laughs)

48
00:01:58,084 --> 00:02:00,854
(audience laughs)

49
00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:03,105
- Did you find what you
were looking for, sir?

50
00:02:03,105 --> 00:02:06,938
- Uh, no, but wearing
this, I have high hopes.

51
00:02:08,145 --> 00:02:12,643
(audience laughs and claps)

52
00:02:12,643 --> 00:02:14,913
- Now sir, there's been a
lot of publicity recently

53
00:02:14,913 --> 00:02:17,791
about swimming trunks
becoming transparent when wet.

54
00:02:17,791 --> 00:02:20,260
These come with a stamped
address guarantee.

55
00:02:20,260 --> 00:02:22,113
Now, all you do is, when
you come out of the water,

56
00:02:22,113 --> 00:02:24,076
you check and the
slightest little problem,

57
00:02:24,076 --> 00:02:26,505
you come out backwards and
pop that into a pillar box.

58
00:02:26,505 --> 00:02:28,233
(audience laughs)

59
00:02:28,233 --> 00:02:29,316
There we are.

60
00:02:31,289 --> 00:02:32,390
Thank you.

61
00:02:32,390 --> 00:02:33,758
Now, where were you?

62
00:02:33,758 --> 00:02:34,915
- I was telling you about this bird.

63
00:02:34,915 --> 00:02:37,266
- Oh yes, that's right, yes,

64
00:02:37,266 --> 00:02:39,382
because your mother's got a
new battery for her deaf aid

65
00:02:39,382 --> 00:02:42,141
and you had to spend the night
at your girlfriend's digs.

66
00:02:42,141 --> 00:02:43,891
- Well, we crept in the
backdoor, took our shoes off,

67
00:02:43,891 --> 00:02:44,743
and tiptoed upstairs.

68
00:02:44,743 --> 00:02:47,015
You see, her landlady won't
let her have men in the room

69
00:02:47,015 --> 00:02:48,025
after 11 o'clock.

70
00:02:48,025 --> 00:02:49,382
- I had one like that.

71
00:02:49,382 --> 00:02:52,140
(audience laughs)

72
00:02:52,140 --> 00:02:53,533
- We open the door and she said,

73
00:02:53,533 --> 00:02:54,500
"Don't switch the light on!

74
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:55,638
"It clicks."

75
00:02:55,638 --> 00:02:57,899
I held my breath and I
crept towards the bed.

76
00:02:57,899 --> 00:02:59,107
- Oh, the suspense.

77
00:02:59,107 --> 00:03:00,551
(audience laughs)

78
00:03:00,551 --> 00:03:01,571
- I was just about to sit down.

79
00:03:01,571 --> 00:03:02,559
She said, "Don't sit down there.

80
00:03:02,559 --> 00:03:03,733
"She'll hear the springs!"

81
00:03:03,733 --> 00:03:04,957
- It's just like Mission Impossible.

82
00:03:04,957 --> 00:03:07,147
(audience laughs)

83
00:03:07,147 --> 00:03:08,612
- So anyway, we sat down on the rug.

84
00:03:08,612 --> 00:03:10,171
- What happened then?

85
00:03:10,171 --> 00:03:13,195
- Well, I looked at her
and she looked at me.

86
00:03:13,195 --> 00:03:14,237
After five minutes she said,

87
00:03:14,237 --> 00:03:16,227
"Well, what are you waiting for?"

88
00:03:16,227 --> 00:03:17,945
- Well, what were you waiting for?

89
00:03:17,945 --> 00:03:18,811
- Well, I was a bit nervous

90
00:03:18,811 --> 00:03:20,375
in case she had a noisy bra catch.

91
00:03:20,375 --> 00:03:22,841
(audience laughs)

92
00:03:22,841 --> 00:03:25,152
Before we knew were we were,
it was bang, bang, bang.

93
00:03:25,152 --> 00:03:27,737
- Oh, well, all's well that ends well.

94
00:03:27,737 --> 00:03:29,247
(audience laughs)

95
00:03:29,247 --> 00:03:30,911
- No, that was the landlady
knocking on the door.

96
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,005
(audience laughs)

97
00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:35,181
Cool as a cucumber, I picked
up the television set,

98
00:03:35,181 --> 00:03:37,937
and walked straight out and
I said in a very loud voice,

99
00:03:37,937 --> 00:03:38,835
"Don't worry, madame.

100
00:03:38,835 --> 00:03:40,621
"I'll fix your vertical all by Thursday."

101
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,507
(audience laughs)

102
00:03:42,507 --> 00:03:43,359
- Did you get away with it?

103
00:03:43,359 --> 00:03:45,130
- I would've done if I'd
been wearing me trousers.

104
00:03:45,130 --> 00:03:48,866
(audience laughs and claps)

105
00:03:48,866 --> 00:03:49,887
- Mrs. Slocombe?

106
00:03:49,887 --> 00:03:50,957
Miss Brahms?

107
00:03:50,957 --> 00:03:52,220
Your wage packets.

108
00:03:52,220 --> 00:03:53,081
- Oh, thank heavens for that.

109
00:03:53,081 --> 00:03:54,103
I'm skint.

110
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,289
- Will you just sign on these?

111
00:03:55,289 --> 00:03:58,539
- Oh, I say, there's been some mistake.

112
00:03:59,746 --> 00:04:02,262
I've got 10 pounds too much!

113
00:04:02,262 --> 00:04:03,641
- No, I think you'll
find that it's correct.

114
00:04:03,641 --> 00:04:05,849
You and Mr. Humphries did
a photographic session.

115
00:04:05,849 --> 00:04:07,431
- We all did that.

116
00:04:07,431 --> 00:04:09,589
- Yes, well, you were not chosen.

117
00:04:09,589 --> 00:04:11,715
- Am I going to be on a big poster?

118
00:04:11,715 --> 00:04:14,671
- No, we're using your
likenesses as a basis

119
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,407
for our new display dummies.

120
00:04:16,407 --> 00:04:17,935
- Oh, how exciting!

121
00:04:17,935 --> 00:04:20,197
Mr. Humphries, do you hear that?

122
00:04:20,197 --> 00:04:23,004
They're going to make dummies out of us.

123
00:04:23,004 --> 00:04:24,313
- So I believe.

124
00:04:24,313 --> 00:04:25,696
I only hope they've done a good job.

125
00:04:25,696 --> 00:04:27,337
They only took photographs of my face.

126
00:04:27,337 --> 00:04:29,207
(audience laughs)

127
00:04:29,207 --> 00:04:31,059
- What's so special about these two?

128
00:04:31,059 --> 00:04:34,173
- Mrs. Slocombe was chosen to
appeal to the average woman

129
00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:36,581
and Mr. Humphries to the average man.

130
00:04:36,581 --> 00:04:37,765
- I should be so lucky.

131
00:04:37,765 --> 00:04:39,634
(audience laughs)

132
00:04:39,634 --> 00:04:41,242
- When do we get to see them?

133
00:04:41,242 --> 00:04:42,205
- Well, they arrived this morning.

134
00:04:42,205 --> 00:04:43,498
Oh, here they are.

135
00:04:43,498 --> 00:04:44,732
Mr. Harman, over here.

136
00:04:44,732 --> 00:04:45,565
Over here.

137
00:04:46,730 --> 00:04:48,776
- Here we are, Captain Peacock.

138
00:04:48,776 --> 00:04:49,776
Here we are.

139
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:55,714
(audience laughs)

140
00:04:55,714 --> 00:04:57,190
- Where am I?

141
00:04:57,190 --> 00:04:58,190
- Just outside the gents.

142
00:04:58,190 --> 00:04:59,192
- Oh, I better go and get me

143
00:04:59,192 --> 00:05:02,014
before I'm had out for loitering.

144
00:05:02,014 --> 00:05:03,294
(audience laughs)

145
00:05:03,294 --> 00:05:06,410
- Oh, they've got me to a T.

146
00:05:06,410 --> 00:05:10,577
You know, looking at that face
is a very eerie experience.

147
00:05:11,448 --> 00:05:12,812
- That's what I said to Mr. Humphries

148
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:13,836
the first day I met you.

149
00:05:13,836 --> 00:05:15,447
(audience laughs)

150
00:05:15,447 --> 00:05:16,534
- Now, Lucas, if you're going to be rude,

151
00:05:16,534 --> 00:05:17,367
you can return to your counter.

152
00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:20,115
I think the display have
done a wonderful job.

153
00:05:20,115 --> 00:05:22,115
It's absolutely life-like.

154
00:05:22,115 --> 00:05:24,078
- There's not so many wrinkles.

155
00:05:24,078 --> 00:05:26,835
- Well, they could've got
them all in only Mr. Grace

156
00:05:26,835 --> 00:05:28,398
wouldn't pay the overtime.

157
00:05:28,398 --> 00:05:29,955
(audience laughs)

158
00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:31,139
- If I may say so Mrs. Slocombe,

159
00:05:31,139 --> 00:05:33,100
I think you look a very handsome woman.

160
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,315
- Yes, and that brown
paper dress suits you

161
00:05:35,315 --> 00:05:36,439
down to the ground.

162
00:05:36,439 --> 00:05:37,758
(audience laughs)

163
00:05:37,758 --> 00:05:39,955
- I do like the way they've done my hair.

164
00:05:39,955 --> 00:05:42,078
- I'll tell you what, you
don't look so hot without it.

165
00:05:42,078 --> 00:05:44,911
(audience laughs)

166
00:05:46,278 --> 00:05:48,259
- You an ugly baby!

167
00:05:48,259 --> 00:05:49,715
- Mr. Harman, put that back at once.

168
00:05:49,715 --> 00:05:50,915
- Let's see the rest of it!

169
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:54,201
- Would you kindly not refer to me as it?

170
00:05:54,201 --> 00:05:55,784
- Here we are then.

171
00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:58,316
In all its glory.

172
00:06:00,478 --> 00:06:03,138
- Captain Peacock, I
refuse to be displayed

173
00:06:03,138 --> 00:06:05,518
with a size 50 bust.

174
00:06:05,518 --> 00:06:07,768
My vital statistics are 38!

175
00:06:08,773 --> 00:06:10,416
- What about the other ones?

176
00:06:10,416 --> 00:06:13,194
- DOn't worry, that can easily be fixed.

177
00:06:13,194 --> 00:06:16,027
(audience laughs)

178
00:06:17,215 --> 00:06:19,496
The trouble is, you've been overstuffed.

179
00:06:19,496 --> 00:06:20,996
(audience laughs)

180
00:06:20,996 --> 00:06:22,495
Say when, Mrs. Slocombe.

181
00:06:22,495 --> 00:06:24,138
- Stop him, Captain Peacock!

182
00:06:24,138 --> 00:06:27,498
I will not have rough
workman's hands inside my bra.

183
00:06:27,498 --> 00:06:30,196
(audience laughs)

184
00:06:30,196 --> 00:06:31,594
- This could be your last chance.

185
00:06:31,594 --> 00:06:33,935
(audience laughs)

186
00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:35,274
- I think that looks about right.

187
00:06:35,274 --> 00:06:36,337
- Yeah, right.

188
00:06:36,337 --> 00:06:37,818
- Her stockings are all wrinkled.

189
00:06:37,818 --> 00:06:38,895
- Allow me.

190
00:06:38,895 --> 00:06:41,728
(audience laughs)

191
00:06:43,233 --> 00:06:44,233
- Mr. Lucas!

192
00:06:45,454 --> 00:06:47,455
- I never knew you wore
suspenders, Mrs. Slocombe!

193
00:06:47,455 --> 00:06:50,010
- I don't and knock it off.

194
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,656
(audience laughs)

195
00:06:51,656 --> 00:06:52,952
- I don't know if you've
been having trouble

196
00:06:52,952 --> 00:06:54,335
with your elastic but there's a hell

197
00:06:54,335 --> 00:06:55,514
of a lot of sellotape up here.

198
00:06:55,514 --> 00:06:56,794
(audience laughs)

199
00:06:56,794 --> 00:06:58,218
- Excuse me, Mrs. Slocombe,

200
00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:01,738
but may I say how very
nice your hair looks today?

201
00:07:01,738 --> 00:07:05,396
(audience laughs)

202
00:07:05,396 --> 00:07:08,095
Alright, ignore me, you
bad-tempered old cow.

203
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:11,762
(audience laughs and claps)

204
00:07:16,778 --> 00:07:17,875
- Where do you want it?

205
00:07:17,875 --> 00:07:18,873
- Over there.

206
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:19,876
Just there, just there.

207
00:07:19,876 --> 00:07:21,514
- Do be careful with what you're
doing with your right hand.

208
00:07:21,514 --> 00:07:22,954
You're making my eyes water.

209
00:07:22,954 --> 00:07:24,138
(audience laughs)

210
00:07:24,138 --> 00:07:25,156
Good afternoon.

211
00:07:25,156 --> 00:07:26,436
Do you come here often?

212
00:07:26,436 --> 00:07:27,914
(audience laughs)

213
00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:29,156
- Well, what do you think?

214
00:07:29,156 --> 00:07:32,015
- Well, it's alright in
here but standing like that,

215
00:07:32,015 --> 00:07:33,913
I wouldn't give much for his
chances in a transport cafe

216
00:07:33,913 --> 00:07:35,556
on the A One.

217
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,554
(audience laughs)

218
00:07:36,554 --> 00:07:37,754
- I'm going to tell
Mr. Rumbold it arrived.

219
00:07:37,754 --> 00:07:39,098
- Oh, it's no good.

220
00:07:39,098 --> 00:07:40,255
I shall have to make some adjustments.

221
00:07:40,255 --> 00:07:41,875
It looks too posed.

222
00:07:41,875 --> 00:07:42,877
- Hang on.

223
00:07:42,877 --> 00:07:45,978
(audience laughs)

224
00:07:45,978 --> 00:07:46,975
- I shall smack your wrist

225
00:07:46,975 --> 00:07:48,815
if you don't stop interfering with me.

226
00:07:48,815 --> 00:07:51,396
There, now, do you think
that looks more normal?

227
00:07:51,396 --> 00:07:52,854
- It's as normal as you're gonna get.

228
00:07:52,854 --> 00:07:54,298
(audience laughs)

229
00:07:54,298 --> 00:07:56,055
- I don't like the angle of his head.

230
00:07:56,055 --> 00:07:57,236
(audience laughs)

231
00:07:57,236 --> 00:07:58,394
- Now we can soon fix that.

232
00:07:58,394 --> 00:07:59,818
Look, just give it a twist.

233
00:07:59,818 --> 00:08:02,634
Oh, you've got a stiff neck.

234
00:08:02,634 --> 00:08:03,636
- Let me try.

235
00:08:03,636 --> 00:08:06,419
I once trained as an osteopath
and when I got down to it,

236
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,635
I wasn't up to it.

237
00:08:07,635 --> 00:08:08,836
(audience laughs)

238
00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:10,711
Teeny toe it towards me.

239
00:08:10,711 --> 00:08:11,698
That's right.

240
00:08:11,698 --> 00:08:14,218
Yes, oh, nice firm chin. (laughs)

241
00:08:14,218 --> 00:08:15,551
Now, just relax.

242
00:08:16,436 --> 00:08:17,591
This won't take a moment.

243
00:08:17,591 --> 00:08:18,595
(audience laughs)

244
00:08:18,595 --> 00:08:19,636
Oh!

245
00:08:19,636 --> 00:08:21,434
(audience laughs)

246
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:23,851
- You fractured his say-chin.

247
00:08:24,756 --> 00:08:26,314
- Yes, that's why they
wouldn't let me finish

248
00:08:26,314 --> 00:08:27,476
as an osteopath.

249
00:08:27,476 --> 00:08:28,554
(audience laughs)

250
00:08:28,554 --> 00:08:29,574
- Oh, you'll be for it now!

251
00:08:29,574 --> 00:08:30,858
- Don't worry.

252
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:34,154
I'll take it down to
do-it-yourself, see Mr. Furlow.

253
00:08:34,154 --> 00:08:35,876
He'll fix it for you.

254
00:08:35,876 --> 00:08:37,994
- We better get it out of here.

255
00:08:37,994 --> 00:08:39,156
- I won't be a jiffy.

256
00:08:39,156 --> 00:08:40,071
- Yeah, well, alright,
get rid of it, will you?

257
00:08:40,071 --> 00:08:40,904
For goodness sake.

258
00:08:40,904 --> 00:08:42,638
- [Captain Peacock] They
really are quite life-like,

259
00:08:42,638 --> 00:08:43,471
Mr. Rumbold.

260
00:08:43,471 --> 00:08:44,304
- It's Rumbold!

261
00:08:44,304 --> 00:08:45,438
- What?

262
00:08:45,438 --> 00:08:46,271
Here, get on there.

263
00:08:46,271 --> 00:08:47,104
He'll never know the difference.

264
00:08:47,104 --> 00:08:47,937
- Oh!

265
00:08:49,775 --> 00:08:52,608
(audience laughs)

266
00:08:54,336 --> 00:08:58,025
- By Jove, they are
realistic, aren't they?

267
00:08:58,025 --> 00:08:59,343
- A lot of men have worked very hard

268
00:08:59,343 --> 00:09:00,964
to make her face look like that.

269
00:09:00,964 --> 00:09:01,967
(audience laughs)

270
00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:03,761
- And it shows.

271
00:09:03,761 --> 00:09:07,537
- I think they were right to
hold back on the wrinkles.

272
00:09:07,537 --> 00:09:09,524
- It's typical, isn't it?

273
00:09:09,524 --> 00:09:12,418
When a woman gets wrinkled, it's old age.

274
00:09:12,418 --> 00:09:15,418
When a man gets 'em, it's character.

275
00:09:16,328 --> 00:09:18,348
(audience laughs)

276
00:09:18,348 --> 00:09:20,045
- Something not quite
right about this one.

277
00:09:20,045 --> 00:09:22,248
(audience laughs)

278
00:09:22,248 --> 00:09:24,328
- Yes, they haven't quite caught
the expression, have they?

279
00:09:24,328 --> 00:09:26,947
- No, Humphries doesn't
look nearly as wet as that.

280
00:09:26,947 --> 00:09:28,925
(audience laughs)

281
00:09:28,925 --> 00:09:31,842
I'm not sure I like the mouth open.

282
00:09:33,505 --> 00:09:36,575
(audience laughs)

283
00:09:36,575 --> 00:09:37,578
Yes, that's better.

284
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,257
Now, I think there's been
some misunderstanding

285
00:09:39,257 --> 00:09:41,194
as to the purpose of these models.

286
00:09:41,194 --> 00:09:44,474
They are designed to help us
with our underwear displays.

287
00:09:44,474 --> 00:09:46,895
- Well, that could easily be fixed.

288
00:09:46,895 --> 00:09:49,728
(audience laughs)

289
00:09:55,674 --> 00:09:58,138
- Glass of water for Mrs. Slocombe

290
00:09:58,138 --> 00:09:59,237
and after seeing that lot,

291
00:09:59,237 --> 00:10:01,291
a glass of water for me as well.

292
00:10:01,291 --> 00:10:02,313
(audience laughs)

293
00:10:02,313 --> 00:10:03,472
- And this Walter?

294
00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:04,856
- Uh yes, strip him off.

295
00:10:04,856 --> 00:10:07,689
(audience laughs)

296
00:10:09,295 --> 00:10:10,494
- Pardon?

297
00:10:10,494 --> 00:10:11,827
- Strip him off.

298
00:10:14,538 --> 00:10:15,871
- Strip him off?

299
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,338
- Yes, well, get on with it.

300
00:10:19,338 --> 00:10:22,585
- Come on, Lucas, take
the arm, take the arm.

301
00:10:22,585 --> 00:10:25,418
(audience laughs)

302
00:10:35,304 --> 00:10:36,637
- Come on there.

303
00:10:37,864 --> 00:10:38,942
- What a lovely shirt he's got.

304
00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:41,923
Why don't we just leave him
in his shirt and trousers?

305
00:10:41,923 --> 00:10:44,782
- Because we're having a
special event in y-fronts.

306
00:10:44,782 --> 00:10:47,615
(audience laughs)

307
00:10:48,862 --> 00:10:50,440
- Many a true word.

308
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:51,503
(audience laughs)

309
00:10:51,503 --> 00:10:53,443
- You do the shirt, I'll
take the trousers down.

310
00:10:53,443 --> 00:10:56,276
(audience laughs)

311
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:07,980
- They're getting very thorough
in display, aren't they?

312
00:11:07,980 --> 00:11:10,813
(audience laughs)

313
00:11:12,662 --> 00:11:14,963
- Shall I explain your idea to them, sir?

314
00:11:14,963 --> 00:11:16,760
- Well, yes, I think perhaps you'd better.

315
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:17,763
I've forgotten it.

316
00:11:17,763 --> 00:11:19,283
(audience laughs)

317
00:11:19,283 --> 00:11:21,395
- Mr. Grace is continuing his campaign

318
00:11:21,395 --> 00:11:23,784
to advertise Grace Brothers.

319
00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:26,962
200 Mrs. Slocombes and 150 Mr. Humphries

320
00:11:26,962 --> 00:11:30,163
will be going on display
in our various branches.

321
00:11:30,163 --> 00:11:32,104
- If I'd known I was going to be displayed

322
00:11:32,104 --> 00:11:35,160
in 200 different
positions in my underwear,

323
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,480
I should've withheld my consent.

324
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,048
(audience laughs)

325
00:11:39,048 --> 00:11:41,160
- I'm already in the Portsmith
branch in my underwear

326
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,000
and I've had a lot of fan mail.

327
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,384
Most of which I don't
understand and none of which

328
00:11:45,384 --> 00:11:46,782
I intend to answer!

329
00:11:46,782 --> 00:11:48,083
(audience laughs)

330
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,504
And what's more, I was
only in the Chatham branch

331
00:11:50,504 --> 00:11:52,083
for half a day and I was stolen!

332
00:11:52,083 --> 00:11:54,024
Heaven knows where I am now!

333
00:11:54,024 --> 00:11:56,142
(audience laughs)

334
00:11:56,142 --> 00:11:58,920
- Well the point is that the
idea of using ordinary people

335
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:02,262
to advertise the sort of
goods that ordinary buy

336
00:12:02,262 --> 00:12:04,104
is working like a dream.

337
00:12:04,104 --> 00:12:06,742
Now, Mr. Grace went to
the cinema the other day.

338
00:12:06,742 --> 00:12:09,578
- Yes, I saw Blue Emmanuelle 4.

339
00:12:09,578 --> 00:12:10,862
(audience laughs)

340
00:12:10,862 --> 00:12:12,824
Had a very good idea
from it too, didn't I?

341
00:12:12,824 --> 00:12:13,960
(audience laughs)

342
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,263
- Oh, you did, Mr. Grace.

343
00:12:15,263 --> 00:12:19,301
- Well, the idea concern, the
advertising in the interval.

344
00:12:19,301 --> 00:12:22,480
Mr. Grace thinks it would be
a good scheme to advertise

345
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,576
Grace Brothers in the same
way that they advertise

346
00:12:24,576 --> 00:12:27,296
Chinese restaurants and
cigarettes and things.

347
00:12:27,296 --> 00:12:30,598
- I seem to remember a very
good one with Spike Milligan

348
00:12:30,598 --> 00:12:32,295
jumping through the bottom of a boat.

349
00:12:32,295 --> 00:12:33,296
- Yes, I didn't like that.

350
00:12:33,296 --> 00:12:34,838
(audience laughs)

351
00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:37,098
- No, no, Mr. Grace thought
that was rather silly.

352
00:12:37,098 --> 00:12:38,619
The whole point is,

353
00:12:38,619 --> 00:12:41,840
Mr. Grace thinks that we
should have ordinary people

354
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,216
like you to do the commercial.

355
00:12:44,216 --> 00:12:47,718
Now, our advertising agents
have been working on it

356
00:12:47,718 --> 00:12:49,776
and they've come up with a sort of script

357
00:12:49,776 --> 00:12:51,920
and a sort of storyline.

358
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,358
- Yes and a sort of ridiculous
price for making it.

359
00:12:54,358 --> 00:12:55,878
(audience laughs)

360
00:12:55,878 --> 00:12:57,242
- Precisely, yes.

361
00:12:57,242 --> 00:13:00,515
Mr. Grace thinks that between
the display department

362
00:13:00,515 --> 00:13:02,918
and photographic and ourselves,

363
00:13:02,918 --> 00:13:04,720
that we could have a go at it.

364
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:07,558
Now, it all takes place
in a sort of cocktail bar

365
00:13:07,558 --> 00:13:08,918
at the Coco Club.

366
00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,336
- Was that my idea?

367
00:13:10,336 --> 00:13:11,339
- Yes, sir.

368
00:13:11,339 --> 00:13:13,419
- Say, I really am on the ball, aren't I?

369
00:13:13,419 --> 00:13:15,313
(audience laughs)

370
00:13:15,313 --> 00:13:18,563
(cash register chimes)

371
00:13:24,390 --> 00:13:27,223
(audience laughs)

372
00:13:30,678 --> 00:13:32,240
- Is all this really necessary?

373
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,573
- Switch him off, Mr. Lucas.

374
00:13:35,735 --> 00:13:38,738
(audience laughs)

375
00:13:38,738 --> 00:13:39,853
- I'm glad that's over.

376
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:42,079
- Beauty must pay the price.

377
00:13:42,079 --> 00:13:44,956
- It says in the script a
man, not unlike David Niven,

378
00:13:44,956 --> 00:13:47,920
comes into the Coco Club
and you, Captain Peacock,

379
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,078
are the most not unlike
David Niven person we've got.

380
00:13:50,078 --> 00:13:51,277
(audience laughs)

381
00:13:51,277 --> 00:13:53,255
- The resemblance has been remarked upon.

382
00:13:53,255 --> 00:13:55,455
- You know your hair's
in quite good condition.

383
00:13:55,455 --> 00:13:57,398
It moves quite nicely.

384
00:13:57,398 --> 00:13:59,040
(audience laughs)

385
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,880
- It comes out quite nicely, too.

386
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,336
(audience laughs)

387
00:14:02,336 --> 00:14:03,600
- Now, purse your lips.

388
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:04,433
Like that.

389
00:14:05,317 --> 00:14:08,298
They are sensuous but very dry.

390
00:14:08,298 --> 00:14:11,017
- What precisely do we do
about that, Mr. Director?

391
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:14,135
- If this was MGM, I'd
suggest Lana Turner lip gloss,

392
00:14:14,135 --> 00:14:15,936
but as it's Grace Brothers,

393
00:14:15,936 --> 00:14:18,491
a quick smear with a canteen drip in.

394
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:19,936
(audience laughs)

395
00:14:19,936 --> 00:14:21,178
- Oh, drat!

396
00:14:21,178 --> 00:14:22,256
- What's the matter, Mrs. Slocombe?

397
00:14:22,256 --> 00:14:24,118
- Oh, it's these damned eyelashes.

398
00:14:24,118 --> 00:14:25,616
- Well, yours aren't big enough, dear.

399
00:14:25,616 --> 00:14:26,880
They won't show up on the screen.

400
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,339
Remember, you're playing
the part of a femme fatale.

401
00:14:29,339 --> 00:14:31,877
- But it's like looking through bars.

402
00:14:31,877 --> 00:14:33,259
(audience laughs)

403
00:14:33,259 --> 00:14:34,896
I might as well be in Holloway.

404
00:14:34,896 --> 00:14:36,332
(audience laughs)

405
00:14:36,332 --> 00:14:37,760
- Just give it a couple of blinks.

406
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:40,299
(audience laughs)

407
00:14:40,299 --> 00:14:41,520
- Oh, oh!

408
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:42,813
The left one's stuck.

409
00:14:42,813 --> 00:14:44,776
(audience laughs)

410
00:14:44,776 --> 00:14:46,295
- It would've been easier
getting Spike Milligan

411
00:14:46,295 --> 00:14:47,520
jumping through the bottom of a boat.

412
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,561
They'll be alright when the glue dries.

413
00:14:49,561 --> 00:14:50,960
- You seem to know a lot about it.

414
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,937
- Well, I have the same
trouble with my mother

415
00:14:52,937 --> 00:14:54,598
every Friday when she goes to the Bingo.

416
00:14:54,598 --> 00:14:55,680
- Here you are, Mrs. Slocombe.

417
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:56,916
Use this as a tire lever.

418
00:14:56,916 --> 00:14:58,480
- Oh, thank you, Mr. Lucas.

419
00:14:58,480 --> 00:14:59,980
Oh, that's better.

420
00:15:01,321 --> 00:15:03,216
The other one's gone.

421
00:15:03,216 --> 00:15:05,056
(audience laughs)

422
00:15:05,056 --> 00:15:06,296
- When they dry they'll crack open.

423
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:08,736
Now, let's have a look at the hair.

424
00:15:08,736 --> 00:15:11,073
See what this looks.

425
00:15:11,073 --> 00:15:13,131
(audience laughs)

426
00:15:13,131 --> 00:15:16,699
You think David Nevin'll go for that?

427
00:15:16,699 --> 00:15:18,855
- Well, if he's reduced
to going to the Coco Club,

428
00:15:18,855 --> 00:15:21,040
he can't afford to be too choosy, can he?

429
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,278
(audience laughs)

430
00:15:24,278 --> 00:15:26,334
- You're playing the leader
of the gypsy orchestra.

431
00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:28,080
Could I have the mustache, Mr. Lucas?

432
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,379
- Yes, mustache coming up.

433
00:15:30,379 --> 00:15:32,176
There we are.

434
00:15:32,176 --> 00:15:34,560
(audience laughs)

435
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,057
- Other way up, Mr. Lucas.

436
00:15:36,057 --> 00:15:37,136
- Oh, I'm sorry.

437
00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:39,136
Brace yourself, Mr. Rumbold.

438
00:15:39,136 --> 00:15:40,480
- Ah!

439
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,647
- Here we are.

440
00:15:43,713 --> 00:15:45,696
- It's a bit Fu Manchu
but it'll have to do.

441
00:15:45,696 --> 00:15:46,755
(audience laughs)

442
00:15:46,755 --> 00:15:48,219
What about the wig?

443
00:15:48,219 --> 00:15:49,776
- Oh, do I have to have a wig?

444
00:15:49,776 --> 00:15:52,358
- It's all part of the
magic world of make believe.

445
00:15:52,358 --> 00:15:53,638
- Yeah, look over there.

446
00:15:53,638 --> 00:15:56,471
(audience laughs)

447
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:01,599
- I distinctly told you to get me

448
00:16:01,599 --> 00:16:03,760
a Burt Reynolds six and 3/4.

449
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,598
- They've sold out of
Burt Reynolds six and 3/4.

450
00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:08,640
- That is no excuse for bringing me

451
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,720
a Liza Minnelli six and 7/8.

452
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:11,721
(audience laughs)

453
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:14,016
- It's either that or
a Max Bygraves 9 1/2.

454
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,419
(audience laughs)

455
00:16:15,419 --> 00:16:16,753
- Look at what they've sent me!

456
00:16:16,753 --> 00:16:18,560
- Oh yes, Mr. Granger.

457
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,096
Now what part is he playing, Mr. Lucas?

458
00:16:20,096 --> 00:16:21,659
- Henry the lovable old bartender.

459
00:16:21,659 --> 00:16:23,899
(audience laughs)

460
00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:26,615
- Damn fools, the sleeves
are miles too long.

461
00:16:26,615 --> 00:16:27,776
- Don't worry, Mr. Granger.

462
00:16:27,776 --> 00:16:29,419
They'll ride up with wear.

463
00:16:29,419 --> 00:16:30,720
(audience laughs)

464
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,096
- Don't give me that.

465
00:16:32,096 --> 00:16:34,758
And what's more, I
can't do my trousers up.

466
00:16:34,758 --> 00:16:36,438
(audience laughs)

467
00:16:36,438 --> 00:16:37,561
- They won't show,
you'll be behind the bar.

468
00:16:37,561 --> 00:16:38,640
Go on, off you go.

469
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:39,473
That's it.

470
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:43,878
- My tail's come off.

471
00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,055
Will you put it on for me?

472
00:16:45,055 --> 00:16:46,056
- Certainly, Shirley.

473
00:16:46,056 --> 00:16:47,056
- Not you!

474
00:16:47,056 --> 00:16:49,192
Mr. Humphries, do you know where it goes?

475
00:16:49,192 --> 00:16:51,315
- Contrary to popular belief, yes.

476
00:16:51,315 --> 00:16:52,515
(audience laughs)

477
00:16:52,515 --> 00:16:54,531
Turn around and touch your toes.

478
00:16:54,531 --> 00:16:55,854
About there Mr. Lucas?

479
00:16:55,854 --> 00:16:57,256
- Dead on target, Mr. Humphries.

480
00:16:57,256 --> 00:16:58,254
- Contact.

481
00:16:58,254 --> 00:17:00,014
- You can put these on.

482
00:17:00,014 --> 00:17:03,155
- Oh, thanks, Shirley. (laughs)

483
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:04,812
(audience laughs)

484
00:17:04,812 --> 00:17:05,814
- Not there!

485
00:17:05,814 --> 00:17:07,438
They go on my shoes only I can't see

486
00:17:07,438 --> 00:17:09,235
'cause they've built me up so much.

487
00:17:09,235 --> 00:17:10,894
(audience laughs)

488
00:17:10,894 --> 00:17:12,492
- I'm Crawford from Photographics.

489
00:17:12,492 --> 00:17:13,496
I'm the camera man.

490
00:17:13,496 --> 00:17:14,494
- Oh, hello.

491
00:17:14,494 --> 00:17:15,496
Humphries, Menswear.

492
00:17:15,496 --> 00:17:16,494
I'm the director.

493
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:18,254
- Do you mean to say with your looks,

494
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:19,838
you're not going to be in it?

495
00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:21,099
- Oh, well, one has to decide which side

496
00:17:21,099 --> 00:17:22,435
of the fence to be on.

497
00:17:22,435 --> 00:17:25,338
- And it's not always
an easy decision, is it?

498
00:17:25,338 --> 00:17:28,078
(audience laughs)

499
00:17:28,078 --> 00:17:31,415
Anyway, I'm lit, I'm
loaded and I'm ready to go.

500
00:17:31,415 --> 00:17:33,838
- I think I've chosen the
wrong side of the fence.

501
00:17:33,838 --> 00:17:35,718
(audience laughs)

502
00:17:35,718 --> 00:17:37,798
- Excuse me, Mr. Peck-and-poof,

503
00:17:37,798 --> 00:17:39,199
(audience laughs)

504
00:17:39,199 --> 00:17:41,276
we've got the sound
recording machine ready now.

505
00:17:41,276 --> 00:17:43,496
- Oh, yes, that's Mr. Crawford,
the camera man, over there.

506
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:46,814
- It's no good talking to me
until I've plugged my jack in.

507
00:17:46,814 --> 00:17:48,478
(audience laughs)

508
00:17:48,478 --> 00:17:49,475
Nod if you understand.

509
00:17:49,475 --> 00:17:51,058
Right you are then.

510
00:17:52,058 --> 00:17:53,118
- Right, places everybody.

511
00:17:53,118 --> 00:17:54,115
Opening positions.

512
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:55,176
Opening positions.

513
00:17:55,176 --> 00:17:57,134
- I do like a man who knows what he wants.

514
00:17:57,134 --> 00:17:58,136
- Oh, good.

515
00:17:58,136 --> 00:17:59,598
Well, get behind your camera

516
00:17:59,598 --> 00:18:00,974
and don't push it 'til I tell you.

517
00:18:00,974 --> 00:18:02,435
(audience laughs)

518
00:18:02,435 --> 00:18:04,755
I hope you all learned
your words last night.

519
00:18:04,755 --> 00:18:06,718
- Well, I didn't have much to learn.

520
00:18:06,718 --> 00:18:11,678
Lovable old bartender does
nothing but wag his shaker.

521
00:18:11,678 --> 00:18:13,038
(audience laughs)

522
00:18:13,038 --> 00:18:14,035
- Get behind the bar.

523
00:18:14,035 --> 00:18:15,736
Get behind the bar.

524
00:18:15,736 --> 00:18:16,852
- I'm wagging my shaker now?

525
00:18:16,852 --> 00:18:17,843
- Yes.

526
00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:19,256
- Well, but in the script,

527
00:18:19,256 --> 00:18:22,035
nobody's asked me for a cocktail yet.

528
00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:23,637
- Well, why don't you just stand there

529
00:18:23,637 --> 00:18:25,072
and arrange your nuts?

530
00:18:25,072 --> 00:18:27,838
(audience laughs)

531
00:18:27,838 --> 00:18:29,838
- Mr. Lucas, I am the
director of this film

532
00:18:29,838 --> 00:18:33,040
and if I find any artistic
value in his arranging his nuts,

533
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:34,755
I shall be the one to tell him.

534
00:18:34,755 --> 00:18:35,976
(audience laughs)

535
00:18:35,976 --> 00:18:37,092
- I'm sorry, Mr. Humphries.

536
00:18:37,092 --> 00:18:39,875
- Well, I could count my olives.

537
00:18:39,875 --> 00:18:41,896
- Can we drop the subject?

538
00:18:41,896 --> 00:18:43,396
One, two, three --

539
00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:46,878
- Will you shut up?

540
00:18:46,878 --> 00:18:48,214
(audience laughs)

541
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:49,715
- I was only trying to be helpful.

542
00:18:49,715 --> 00:18:51,455
- Mrs. Slocombe?

543
00:18:51,455 --> 00:18:52,835
Mrs. Slocombe.

544
00:18:52,835 --> 00:18:55,668
(audience laughs)

545
00:19:02,894 --> 00:19:04,035
Are you alright, Mrs. Slocombe?

546
00:19:04,035 --> 00:19:05,598
What's the matter?

547
00:19:05,598 --> 00:19:06,595
- I can't blink.

548
00:19:06,595 --> 00:19:07,856
They're not dry yet.

549
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:08,874
(audience laughs)

550
00:19:08,874 --> 00:19:09,871
- I'll come to you in a minute.

551
00:19:09,871 --> 00:19:11,072
Now, Captain Peacock.

552
00:19:11,072 --> 00:19:15,677
Now, you are the suave David
Niven type man about town.

553
00:19:15,677 --> 00:19:18,817
Now, you come down the stairs
wearing your Grace Brothers

554
00:19:18,817 --> 00:19:20,174
lightweight two piece.

555
00:19:20,174 --> 00:19:22,795
On your arm is the Grace
Brothers shar-poof,

556
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:26,231
on the other arm is your
Grace Brothers pop-a-brolly.

557
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:29,752
Now, on your head is your
travel trilby at a jaunty angle.

558
00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:31,110
(laughs) Good.

559
00:19:31,110 --> 00:19:32,250
Now, you come down the stairs

560
00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:33,970
and you hand it to the check girl.

561
00:19:33,970 --> 00:19:34,968
The hat check girl.

562
00:19:34,968 --> 00:19:36,248
Now, that's you, Miss Brahms.

563
00:19:36,248 --> 00:19:37,250
- Oh!

564
00:19:37,250 --> 00:19:38,248
- Yes, come over here.

565
00:19:38,248 --> 00:19:39,250
We'll rehearse this, please.

566
00:19:39,250 --> 00:19:40,404
- Could we rehearse the sound, please?

567
00:19:40,404 --> 00:19:43,366
- I can see the microphone.

568
00:19:43,366 --> 00:19:44,408
Higher, please.

569
00:19:44,408 --> 00:19:45,410
Higher.

570
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:46,426
Super.

571
00:19:46,426 --> 00:19:47,432
- Action.

572
00:19:47,432 --> 00:19:50,265
(audience laughs)

573
00:19:54,803 --> 00:19:57,636
(audience laughs)

574
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,530
- [Miss Brahms] Thank you, sir.

575
00:20:05,530 --> 00:20:06,528
(audience laughs)

576
00:20:06,528 --> 00:20:07,770
Here is your ticket.

577
00:20:07,770 --> 00:20:10,603
(audience laughs)

578
00:20:15,045 --> 00:20:16,563
- That wasn't quite right, was it?

579
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:18,349
(audience laughs)

580
00:20:18,349 --> 00:20:20,047
- We'll do it again in a minute.

581
00:20:20,047 --> 00:20:21,090
Now, we must carry on.

582
00:20:21,090 --> 00:20:24,210
Right, you cross to the
bar and you see sitting

583
00:20:24,210 --> 00:20:25,968
at the bar a glamorous woman

584
00:20:25,968 --> 00:20:28,408
wearing her Grace
Brothers cocktail casual.

585
00:20:28,408 --> 00:20:31,432
Mrs. Slocombe, on the stool, please.

586
00:20:31,432 --> 00:20:34,265
(audience laughs)

587
00:20:46,952 --> 00:20:49,369
- Give her a hand, Mr. Lucas.

588
00:20:50,888 --> 00:20:53,721
(audience laughs)

589
00:21:06,171 --> 00:21:09,004
(audience laughs)

590
00:21:18,723 --> 00:21:21,629
- Will you try and remember,
you're a woman of mystery?

591
00:21:21,629 --> 00:21:23,010
(audience laughs)

592
00:21:23,010 --> 00:21:24,829
- Not after getting on that
stool, she's not. (laughs)

593
00:21:24,829 --> 00:21:27,208
- That will be quite enough, Mr. Lucas.

594
00:21:27,208 --> 00:21:30,041
(audience laughs)

595
00:21:31,170 --> 00:21:33,810
- You go to the bar and you see Henry,

596
00:21:33,810 --> 00:21:36,130
the lovable old bartender.

597
00:21:36,130 --> 00:21:38,449
- My trousers are coming down.

598
00:21:38,449 --> 00:21:41,389
(audience laughs)

599
00:21:41,389 --> 00:21:43,112
- Well, you're not called
the lovable old bartender

600
00:21:43,112 --> 00:21:44,429
for nothing, are you?

601
00:21:44,429 --> 00:21:46,730
(audience laughs)

602
00:21:46,730 --> 00:21:50,232
- You say your first line,
"The usual please, Henry."

603
00:21:50,232 --> 00:21:52,472
Right, now we'll try that.

604
00:21:52,472 --> 00:21:54,568
- Am I supposed to be holding this?

605
00:21:54,568 --> 00:21:56,109
- No, take it from him, Mr. Lucas.

606
00:21:56,109 --> 00:21:57,276
Right, action.

607
00:22:02,049 --> 00:22:04,123
- The usual please, Henry.

608
00:22:04,123 --> 00:22:05,530
- Good evening, sir.

609
00:22:05,530 --> 00:22:07,551
How very nice to see you again.

610
00:22:07,551 --> 00:22:08,549
- What are you doing?

611
00:22:08,549 --> 00:22:09,752
You're not supposed to say anything!

612
00:22:09,752 --> 00:22:10,762
(audience laughs)

613
00:22:10,762 --> 00:22:11,753
- I was only being polite.

614
00:22:11,753 --> 00:22:13,770
I'm supposed to be a
lovable old bartender.

615
00:22:13,770 --> 00:22:15,312
(audience laughs)

616
00:22:15,312 --> 00:22:16,688
- It doesn't say that here.

617
00:22:16,688 --> 00:22:18,208
- Well, but it should though.

618
00:22:18,208 --> 00:22:19,509
He knows my name.

619
00:22:19,509 --> 00:22:21,008
Am I supposed to ignore him?

620
00:22:21,008 --> 00:22:22,528
(audience laughs)

621
00:22:22,528 --> 00:22:23,728
- Just shake your cocktails.

622
00:22:23,728 --> 00:22:25,348
(audience laughs)

623
00:22:25,348 --> 00:22:27,643
Right, you see the woman.

624
00:22:27,643 --> 00:22:28,643
She's alone.

625
00:22:29,610 --> 00:22:30,443
You smile.

626
00:22:32,284 --> 00:22:33,965
(audience laughs)

627
00:22:33,965 --> 00:22:36,366
Now, show the, Mr. Granger?

628
00:22:36,366 --> 00:22:38,730
(cocktail shaking loudly)

629
00:22:38,730 --> 00:22:40,149
Mr. Granger!

630
00:22:40,149 --> 00:22:41,469
- I can't hear you.

631
00:22:41,469 --> 00:22:43,650
(audience laughs)

632
00:22:43,650 --> 00:22:45,693
You'll have to wait until I
finish making the cocktail.

633
00:22:45,693 --> 00:22:47,693
- What are you doing?

634
00:22:47,693 --> 00:22:50,526
- I'm making his usual, a Sidecar.

635
00:22:51,549 --> 00:22:53,373
(audience laughs)

636
00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:54,591
- Just forget about the cocktail.

637
00:22:54,591 --> 00:22:56,290
Get him a whiskey and soda.

638
00:22:56,290 --> 00:22:57,533
- Well, that's not his usual.

639
00:22:57,533 --> 00:22:59,690
- His usual is what I say it is.

640
00:22:59,690 --> 00:23:01,810
(audience laughs)

641
00:23:01,810 --> 00:23:03,613
- You two, for God sake,
hurry up, will you?

642
00:23:03,613 --> 00:23:04,653
This is killing me!

643
00:23:04,653 --> 00:23:05,668
(audience laughs)

644
00:23:05,668 --> 00:23:07,133
- You open the coat to show the label

645
00:23:07,133 --> 00:23:09,248
and you take out your cigarette case.

646
00:23:09,248 --> 00:23:10,081
Action.

647
00:23:12,573 --> 00:23:14,072
- Would you like one?

648
00:23:14,072 --> 00:23:15,810
- Oh, I didn't see you there.

649
00:23:15,810 --> 00:23:17,030
(audience laughs)

650
00:23:17,030 --> 00:23:17,863
How kind.

651
00:23:18,811 --> 00:23:22,152
(audience laughs)

652
00:23:22,152 --> 00:23:23,235
- Keep going.

653
00:23:26,050 --> 00:23:28,883
(audience laughs)

654
00:23:30,250 --> 00:23:33,411
- We'll get that right next time.

655
00:23:33,411 --> 00:23:34,806
- The sound is hopeless.

656
00:23:34,806 --> 00:23:37,306
Give it a radio mic, Mr. Lucas.

657
00:23:37,306 --> 00:23:38,890
- Well, here, hold that one.

658
00:23:38,890 --> 00:23:40,170
Here.

659
00:23:40,170 --> 00:23:41,950
Put this on, Mrs. Slocombe.

660
00:23:41,950 --> 00:23:43,566
- What do I do with that?

661
00:23:43,566 --> 00:23:45,786
- You put it down there.

662
00:23:45,786 --> 00:23:47,130
- Down where?

663
00:23:47,130 --> 00:23:48,487
(audience laughs)

664
00:23:48,487 --> 00:23:49,690
- Allow me.

665
00:23:49,690 --> 00:23:51,968
(audience laughs)

666
00:23:51,968 --> 00:23:53,724
- If anything is to be
located in my cleavage,

667
00:23:53,724 --> 00:23:55,989
I'll do the locating.

668
00:23:55,989 --> 00:23:57,248
Oh, oh!

669
00:23:57,248 --> 00:23:58,330
It's dropped down.

670
00:23:58,330 --> 00:24:01,589
(audience laughs)

671
00:24:01,589 --> 00:24:05,309
- It slipped right down, Mr. Hammer.

672
00:24:05,309 --> 00:24:06,688
- Well, it couldn't have gone that far.

673
00:24:06,688 --> 00:24:07,946
(audience laughs)

674
00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:10,346
Tell her to speak up a bit
and while you're at it,

675
00:24:10,346 --> 00:24:13,229
ask Captain Peacock for a voice test.

676
00:24:13,229 --> 00:24:15,648
I want to try and get him
on the same radio mic.

677
00:24:15,648 --> 00:24:16,890
- Say the next line.

678
00:24:16,890 --> 00:24:19,557
- Your face seems very familiar.

679
00:24:20,869 --> 00:24:22,069
- That's very faint.

680
00:24:22,069 --> 00:24:23,310
Get closer.

681
00:24:23,310 --> 00:24:24,346
- Closer.

682
00:24:24,346 --> 00:24:26,106
- Your face seems very familiar.

683
00:24:26,106 --> 00:24:27,109
- Closer.

684
00:24:27,109 --> 00:24:28,859
- [Mr. Lucas] Closer.

685
00:24:30,358 --> 00:24:32,188
(audience laughs)

686
00:24:32,188 --> 00:24:35,608
- Your face seems very familiar.

687
00:24:35,608 --> 00:24:36,806
- How's that?

688
00:24:36,806 --> 00:24:38,763
- Like somebody yelling down a lift shaft.

689
00:24:38,763 --> 00:24:41,885
(audience laughs)

690
00:24:41,885 --> 00:24:43,221
- Hang on a minute.

691
00:24:43,221 --> 00:24:45,245
I'm getting some very
extraneous noises here.

692
00:24:45,245 --> 00:24:46,824
Listen, listen, listen.

693
00:24:46,824 --> 00:24:50,241
(grumbling and bubbling)

694
00:24:54,461 --> 00:24:56,021
- Blimey, it did go down
a long way, didn't it?

695
00:24:56,021 --> 00:24:57,645
(audience laughs)

696
00:24:57,645 --> 00:24:58,708
- Well, I can't help it.

697
00:24:58,708 --> 00:25:00,664
It's past my dinner time.

698
00:25:00,664 --> 00:25:02,824
- Wouldn't it be better if
he shouted up her skirt?

699
00:25:02,824 --> 00:25:05,657
(audience laughs)

700
00:25:07,083 --> 00:25:09,624
- Nobody is shouting up my skirt

701
00:25:09,624 --> 00:25:12,104
saying they recognize the face.

702
00:25:12,104 --> 00:25:14,045
(audience laughs)

703
00:25:14,045 --> 00:25:16,663
- Mr. Lucas, it's up to you
to get as much as the sound

704
00:25:16,663 --> 00:25:17,805
as you can.

705
00:25:17,805 --> 00:25:19,043
- Alright, alright.

706
00:25:19,043 --> 00:25:20,726
Before we get to the dance part,

707
00:25:20,726 --> 00:25:23,962
I must point out that I can't
give you any gypsy music

708
00:25:23,962 --> 00:25:25,265
with this thing.

709
00:25:25,265 --> 00:25:26,922
- Oh, don't make
difficulties, Mr. Rumbold.

710
00:25:26,922 --> 00:25:28,659
- Well, if you're happy with this,

711
00:25:28,659 --> 00:25:31,659
(flatulence sounds)

712
00:25:34,146 --> 00:25:35,544
(audience laughs)

713
00:25:35,544 --> 00:25:36,566
- Blimey!

714
00:25:36,566 --> 00:25:37,547
Now where's she got the microphone?

715
00:25:37,547 --> 00:25:40,380
(audience laughs)

716
00:25:42,524 --> 00:25:45,107
- We'll put the music on later.

717
00:25:46,225 --> 00:25:47,541
- I hope you're ready to do my bit

718
00:25:47,541 --> 00:25:49,380
because I've only got five minutes.

719
00:25:49,380 --> 00:25:51,943
- Oh, how can one director
film under these conditions?

720
00:25:51,943 --> 00:25:53,463
- I know how you feel.

721
00:25:53,463 --> 00:25:54,848
There's only one thing you can do.

722
00:25:54,848 --> 00:25:56,336
Go for a take.

723
00:25:56,336 --> 00:25:59,541
I always find there's someone
up there looking after you.

724
00:25:59,541 --> 00:26:01,461
- Well, let's hope he's working overtime.

725
00:26:01,461 --> 00:26:02,498
(audience laughs)

726
00:26:02,498 --> 00:26:03,584
Right, now you all know the plot.

727
00:26:03,584 --> 00:26:05,141
Opening positions and we're going to do it

728
00:26:05,141 --> 00:26:06,202
for real this time.

729
00:26:06,202 --> 00:26:09,424
Now, Mr. Grace, you're over
here with your champagne.

730
00:26:09,424 --> 00:26:11,360
Come along over here.

731
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:12,761
That's right.

732
00:26:12,761 --> 00:26:14,464
Here's the glass and the bottle.

733
00:26:14,464 --> 00:26:16,901
- Can't we have the girls in?

734
00:26:16,901 --> 00:26:17,904
- No, Mr. Grace.

735
00:26:17,904 --> 00:26:18,960
- Well, I tried.

736
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,061
(audience laughs)

737
00:26:21,061 --> 00:26:23,322
- Recording running?

738
00:26:23,322 --> 00:26:24,321
- Check!

739
00:26:24,321 --> 00:26:26,144
- Camera running?

740
00:26:26,144 --> 00:26:27,561
- Smooth as silk.

741
00:26:30,900 --> 00:26:34,981
- Grace Brothers cinema
commercial, take one.

742
00:26:34,981 --> 00:26:36,439
Oh!

743
00:26:36,439 --> 00:26:39,219
(audience laughs)

744
00:26:39,219 --> 00:26:40,052
- Action!

745
00:26:41,223 --> 00:26:43,973
(romantic music)

746
00:26:46,025 --> 00:26:48,858
(audience laughs)

747
00:26:52,343 --> 00:26:53,176
- Yuck!

748
00:26:54,882 --> 00:26:56,986
The usual please, Henry.

749
00:26:56,986 --> 00:26:58,677
- (Laughs)

750
00:26:58,677 --> 00:27:01,101
(audience laughs)

751
00:27:01,101 --> 00:27:02,851
- Can I give you one?

752
00:27:05,351 --> 00:27:07,768
- Oh, I didn't see you there.

753
00:27:09,018 --> 00:27:09,851
How kind.

754
00:27:10,778 --> 00:27:13,257
(audience laughs)

755
00:27:13,257 --> 00:27:15,378
- Allow me, allow me.

756
00:27:15,378 --> 00:27:18,211
(audience laughs)

757
00:27:21,015 --> 00:27:22,095
- Say when.

758
00:27:22,095 --> 00:27:23,254
- When!

759
00:27:23,254 --> 00:27:25,709
(audience laughs)

760
00:27:25,709 --> 00:27:26,898
Shall we dance?

761
00:27:26,898 --> 00:27:30,215
- Oh, I was hoping you'd
ask, whoever you are.

762
00:27:30,215 --> 00:27:33,815
(audience laughs)

763
00:27:33,815 --> 00:27:35,714
- If I may say so,

764
00:27:35,714 --> 00:27:37,794
it is a most unusual dress you're wearing.

765
00:27:37,794 --> 00:27:41,961
- Yes, I'm dressed from top
to bottom with Grace Brothers.

766
00:27:42,837 --> 00:27:45,337
- What a coincidence, so am I!

767
00:27:49,298 --> 00:27:51,234
(audience laughs)

768
00:27:51,234 --> 00:27:53,698
(flatulence sounds from accordion)

769
00:27:53,698 --> 00:27:55,634
(audience laughs)

770
00:27:55,634 --> 00:27:57,310
So here we are dressed
in our favorite clothes,

771
00:27:57,310 --> 00:27:58,795
dancing to our favorite tune.

772
00:27:58,795 --> 00:28:01,628
(audience laughs)

773
00:28:05,618 --> 00:28:08,317
- You have a bubbly champagne time

774
00:28:08,317 --> 00:28:11,277
(audience laughs)

775
00:28:11,277 --> 00:28:13,874
shopping at Grace Brothers.

776
00:28:13,874 --> 00:28:14,957
Oh, dear.

777
00:28:14,957 --> 00:28:18,634
I need a wider glass or a longer bottle.

778
00:28:18,634 --> 00:28:20,935
(audience laughs)

779
00:28:20,935 --> 00:28:21,768
- Cut!

780
00:28:22,658 --> 00:28:23,655
- Well, then.

781
00:28:23,655 --> 00:28:24,658
What do you think?

782
00:28:24,658 --> 00:28:25,655
You're the director.

783
00:28:25,655 --> 00:28:26,672
- Well, you're the boss, Mr. Grace.

784
00:28:26,672 --> 00:28:27,839
- Mr. Rumbold?

785
00:28:29,975 --> 00:28:32,375
Get onto the advertising agency.

786
00:28:32,375 --> 00:28:34,338
We'll have Spike Milligan
jumping through the bottom

787
00:28:34,338 --> 00:28:35,997
of the boat.

788
00:28:35,997 --> 00:28:39,747
(audience laughs and claps)