Original subtitles

Come on, Rosie, let's go to the park. Come on, Ben!

Why do I have to come? Because it's fun. Bring a ball.

No, Rosie, we keep our coat and our shoes on.

ROSIE WHINES Not the noise. Not the noise, Rosie.

Come on. Come on. Why do we just not bother?

Because it's fun and it's fresh air.

It's what people are supposed to do on a Saturday,

so let's just enjoy ourselves, OK? Let's just have fun, all right?

Come on, come on, come on. WHINING GETS LOUDER

No, Rosie.

Oh, come on. You love the park.

Come on.

Argh!

Not the talons.

OK, Rosie, where do you want to go?

SHE HISSES

No, no! Rosie! No.

Rosie, here. Well done, Rosie, you found another X,

but you do not run in the road. Do you understand?

Come on, up we get.

That's it.

SHE CONTINUES TO WHINE

Morning, Chris. Afternoon, Simon.

Aw.

Well, come on, Ali, got lots to do.

Keep up.

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour

Yeah, she's gone on strike.

It's just the usual. She's downed tools.

Doing my head in.

I just want to 20 minutes to start this research proposal.

Playing Mario?

Just one more moon. Yeah, but she ran into the road.

We need to take her on for a walk on a lead.

But you did say that you would take her.

I know, and I will, but it's going to be easier

if we drive there.

OK.

Dad, why don't you learn to drive? Oh, why don't you learn to drive?

Because I'm 11.

Come on. Come on, come on.

There's a good girl.

Christ! Never stops, does it?

HE MUTTERS: All right, Justin Trudeau.

See you later. Come on.

That's it. Get your seat belt on.

Fingers, fingers, fingers, fingers.

Rosie...

Ben, just make sure she's keeping that seat belt on.

Get it in, get it in. No, we shouldn't leave without

the seat belt. Make sure she keeps the seat belt in, OK, Ben?

Calm down, calm down!

Rosie, leave Mummy's chair. ROSIE SCREAMS AND KICKS CHAIR

It's all right.

Here we are.

Oh, come on, darling.

Come on, hold Mummy's hand.

Don't bite Mummy. No. Ah.

No. Do not bite Mummy. Ow, ow.

No, Rosie.

Not Walking Dead zombie.

Just get her into the park. Come on, come on. There we go.

So, I might just head back.

You know?

No, Rosie. What's that? What's that in your mouth? No, no.

No, no, don't eat that. Don't eat that.

It's not, is it?

No, it's, like, park matter.

Right, we've been to the park. Shall we go home? What?!

I thought we were going to have fun.

Oh, I'm getting that, am I?

Everything all right? Yeah.

I'm just going to double-check that measurement.

Oh, well.

If you've come as a cunt, you've won.

I see you two have started early.

All right. Calm down, Gauguin.

If one were to have a Time Machine, I'm not sure post-impressionism

would be my first port of call.

No, presumably 1980s Hawaii to give Magnum his shirt back.

Of course, in Magnum, what's the interesting fact

about Higgins?

Higgins was not the butler.

He actually owned the whole estate.

Oh, fucking Christ, Marty.

You are so dull, you could stiffen diarrhoea.

Hang on, if Emily's here, who's looking after Ben?

You're such a prick.

I'd recognise those dinner lady's arms anywhere.

Emily is turning into her Auntie Val.

If she stuck her picture on the fridge door, it'd fall over.

You do know how pregnancy works, right?

And in a way - in a way - it's your fault,

cos you did fuck her.

All right, how's your love life again?

How many eggs have you got left now? Is it three or four?

You really should think about getting those frozen.

Although, in a way, they already are, aren't they?

You do know you just married the first woman you met

who'd touch you? PHONE RINGS

Talking of Auntie Val, I shall take this outside.

Magnum, point deux.

Hi, hon.

Hey, where are you?

Just a thing after work. How was the check-up?

Erm, the midwife thinks that there might be a problem

with her growth.

What do you mean, problem?

Well, the heart rate and everything's fine.

It's just that my belly hasn't got any bigger since the last check-up.

Yeah, it has.

Hasn't it?

And she wants to do another ultrasound scan.

Well, it's probably fine.

We'll talk later.

Yeah, you coming home?

Erm, I've got this work thing. I'll be home soon.

But it's going to be OK, right?

Yeah, I suppose, yeah.

Yeah.

OK. Bye, hon.

So what do you want, Rosie?

Pasta? SHE WHINES

No, you can't have Hula Hoops.

They're a treat. You have to have healthy food.

Given what she does put in her mouth, I reckon

she might be indestructible.

You need real food.

Shall we use the AAC, like you do at school?

Oh, well, that's going to be a whopper.

What? Oh, yeah.

Caroline in HR and keeps asking, "Is everything all right?"

I don't like to admit I keep getting beaten up

by a tiny nine-year-old girl.

Tell me what you want for tea.

What shall we have tonight?

Oh, nothing, at this rate.

I've still got my report to start.

And you can't just sit there on your iPad.

What homework is there? History.

Just a presentation on the Civil Rights Movement.

Oh, Rosie can help with that. You're a big fan of Malcolm X.

SHE HISSES

Yes.

Now, please, use this.

What do you want?

Do you reckon if Malcolm X was alive today, would people just think

he was signing off his texts "Malcolm" and being friendly?

Would he have to put, "Malcolm X, X"?

Em. What?

Oh, no. She just...

She won't use it. She never uses it.

Right, come on, Rosie.

This is silly. Do you want pasta?

Do you want pasta?

Come on, Rosie, come on.

Come on.

She just... She just won't latch on.

She won't latch on.

All babies can breast-feed.

It can just take a little time.

Yeah, but it's different than how it was with Ben.

Could it be because her head measurement's smaller?

It's far too early to draw any conclusions.

Here, just, if you...

Everyone says there's no need to worry about things

we don't know about.

Come on, Rosie.

Come on, darling.

Come on, darling.

Oh!

Come on, Rosie.

Just one mouthful.

You'd lick a bin. This makes no logical sense.

Do you want a song?

# Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O

# And on that farm he had a...

SHE HISSES

# E-I-E-I-O. #

No, Rosie!

That's naughty.

Oh, God, ain't she finished it, yet?

I thought she asked for sweetcorn.

She just likes looking at it.

Why?

Do you want to see if she wants some milk?

Yeah. Do you want another song?

SHE HISSES # Is a consonant A letter in the alphabet... #

It's just getting late and I'm getting hungry.

Have you two done your work?

Well, let's get everything out of the way and then we can relax, no?

Yeah, and what exactly are you doing to help?

I'm just looking at the crossword.

Mm.

Right, you go do your work, I'll take over feeding her.

She's eating it now. Go on, go on.

Don't worry, I'll clear up.

HE HISSES # Every letter makes a sound... #

# X is... HE HISSES

It's not normal.

I mean, even the GP admitted that she doesn't respond to stimuli.

I mean, she doesn't smile.

It's different. It's not like with Ben.

All babies are different.

She's only two months old.

You have to trust a grandma's intuition.

Facts, Mum. I trust facts.

Head size is two standard deviations below the mean.

That's not just a small head, that's an abnormally small head.

That's a brain that's not growing properly.

Listen to me, I look at Rosie and I see a very happy,

beautiful little girl.

You've got to stop worrying.

I guarantee you, hand on heart, Rosie is fine.

Well, if there's nothing wrong with Rosie, then there's

something wrong with me. Oh, nothing's wrong with anyone.

Well, that's obviously not true. Why isn't anybody listening to me?

I am listening to you.

I'm always here for you.

You just need our support.

Where is Simon? He's working late.

I don't know where Hippo is, Rosie.

I don't know where Hippo is.

What? He's on my head?

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, bye-bye, Hippo!

Rosie, have you done a poo?

You have, haven't you? You've done a poo.

Rosie?

Where is the poo?

SHE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY

Simon!

Rosie's hidden another poo!

FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON RADIO BLARES

Simon!

Dad, Mum wants you. Rosie's hid another poo.

Thanks. Thanks, Ben.

SNIFFING

Now, where would I hide a poo?

It's definitely out of the box.

Yeah, that's a poo on the loose.

Mm.

Freshly baked.

Smell the piquant freshness.

Yeah. Under the bed?

Oh, oh, check behind the radiator.

Where's Rosie?

Is the stair gate up?

I left out the Magimix blade!

SHE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY

Oh, fuck!

Ben, why didn't you stop her?!

Yeah, Dad, you're right.

This is all my fault.

No, no, no.

No, no, no! No!

Rosie, you little shit!

No!

You know that's naughty!

I know you know that's naughty! That's so naughty!

Found it!

It was in the doll's house.

I think it was having a tea party.

Simon!

SHE CONTINUES TO SQUEAL Why did you let her do that?

I think it's probably bedtime, Rosie.

She ate your crossword, too.

Well, you've got a love a skating businessmen.

"Excuse me, sorry, I've got to get the 6.17.

"If I'm not back in time to read The Gruffalo,

"she's going to make me live in a bedsit."

"And my kids will one day call another man Dad!"

Oh, sorry, that's Christmas future for you, isn't it?

Divorced dad of two.

Fuck off!

And, technically, it is divorced dad of one and a half.

Don't say that about Rosie.

I'm sure she's tiny but lovely.

Yeah.

You know that scene at the end of Sophie's Choice?

IN GERMAN ACCENT: "You can keep one of your children..."

Yeah, I'll keep Ben, thanks.

"Are you sure...?" You still here, mate?

The Chinese have got the right idea. You don't mean that.

Where are you going?

Get another round in, you big fanny.

I have to go.

You've given me passive sadness, and anyway, I've got a date.

Who? Erm, I am allowed to have a date.

I have to hope that I'm going to meet someone who makes me

as miserable as you clearly are.

Si, I really think you need to get home.

Give my love to Em.

If you don't got off that bloody iPad and finish your homework,

tomorrow, I'm going to go into your Minecraft game and burn

down your entire village.

You should've just put the milk in the fridge straight away

like Mum does. Right, well, just finish your homework

and we'll finally get on with our evening. I'm starving.

A bit of takeaway. What do you fancy? Pizza?

We have pizza every week. What about Bengal Spice?

We haven't been there for a while. I'm not fussed.

Oh!

Jesus.

Oh, Rosie, not again!

I think she just needs to go to bed. Em!

Yeah, that's better, isn't it?

Hey.

Em, what are you doing? I'm turning her into a princess.

Westeros, not Frozen, obviously.

It's just, we really want to get a takeaway now, so...

But Ben really, really wants Bengal Spice and they don't deliver,

so you'll have to...

OK, shall we come down now?

But, you know, if she goes to bed, we can relax, watch some telly

without the creature of havoc.

OK, OK.

Shall we think about going to bed, Rosie?

SHE MOANS

I'll do it.

You go downstairs, get your work out the way,

get yourself a glass of wine to have when you get back

from the takeaway. Oh, OK, then.

Daddy wants to make a fuss of his little princess.

There you go.

OK, time to go to Rosie's room.

No, no, no, no. Not Mummy and Daddy's bed, no.

You need to go to Rosie's bed.

SHE GROANS Ow!

Oh, not the talons. Come on, bedtime.

No, no, no, no.

Nothing for you in the magical drawer of mystery.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No, no, no! VIBRATING

How do you find these things? Look, look, look.

Do you want some Hula Hoops? SHE MOANS

Only if you come to bed.

And, look, Skips, Skips.

Look, Rosie, two bags of snacks.

Ah-ah, ah-ah, only if you come to Rosie's room.

SHE SIGHS

What time is it?

It's definitely bedtime.

There we go. That's enough.

Get rid of the evidence.

OK, don't tell Mummy.

Right, because you can't, because you can't speak.

All ready for bed. SHE MOANS

Night-night, Grandad Gandalf.

Yeah, I'm sure Gandalf will come and see you soon.

But now it is bedtime.

Hippo, yeah.

Hippo needs to come to bed, right.

We'll get Hippo, but then it is bedtime because Daddy wants

a glass of wine.

Look.

That's Not My Monster.

If only I'd insisted on that in the maternity ward, hey?

OK, OK.

"That's not my monster. Its eyebrows are too hairy.

"That's my monster. Its ears are so fluffy."

And they all lived happily ever after.

Daddy's going downstairs.

Right.

There.

Night-night, darling.

Come on.

You stay up here and go to bed.

Right.

This has got 14%.

Do you want to watch this in bed as a special treat?

Ooh, ooh, interesting.

Yeah.

Do you want to do the...?

That was quick.

Shall I go up? No, she's just settling.

I thought you had work to do?

Yeah, but we just thought we'd play this instead.

I'll do it tomorrow. Did you order the Indian? Ben wanted pizza.

Oh. Another bucket, darling?

I will risk rolling for the enchantress,

a four, and I will have another craft token, please, Ben.

Right, what do we fancy on telly?

MAN ON TV: Rise in the basic rate of interest from 0.5...

No.

Got to get across the monkey bars, no! God, no.

MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, documentary about '80s bombastic

Scottish stadium pomp rock.

I mean, what's not to love?

Excellent.

KNOCKING

Oh, hello.

I'll have that, thank you.

Oh!

I love Simple Minds.

Please don't talk about Rosie like that.

SHE SIGHS

How long do you think it takes Jim Kerr to get through security

at an airport? He's always like...

It must be like, "For fu...

"Sake Jim, just go through."

Sorry, Ben.

I have no idea what either of you are talking about.

There's your Meatalicious with no mushrooms.

LOUD THUMP

What was that?

It's just...

I don't know. LOUD THUMP

Hmm.

ROSIE WHINES

I wonder why she hasn't settled?

HE GROANS THUMPING CONTINUES

I'll go, she's probably just woken up.

You stay here. But I...

No, no, you stay here, both of you, just relax,

just everyone, enjoy Saturday night, just get on with your game.

ROSIE SQUEALS

Rosie, what are you doing?

Rosie, Rosie, stop that, stop that, stop that,

stop that, stop that.

Stop that, please.

Just get some sleep.

Sleep time, sleep time.

Sleep time. Night-night.

Shh, OK?

OK, OK.

OK. Shh.

Good girl.

Sleep tight.

SHE SCREAMS AND BANGS DOOR

No, no, no, no, Rosie. Where's the...?

Look, look, look, look.

Oh, fuck!

OK, Rosie.

I can't charge it up, Rosie. SHE SQUEALS

OK? So just go to bed, please.

No!

Right, right, right, you mustn't bang the door,

do you understand me?

Just be quiet. Very, very naughty.

You understand me?

Do you understand me?!

SHE SQUEALS Rosie!

No, it's not...

There's a hole in the fucking wall now!

Daddy's going to have to get someone in to fix that.

Just do what I say!

Rosie, do you want a smack?

Because I... I can't smack you.

Why don't you understand?

Look, look, I can smack Hippo.

I can smack Hippo.

Do you want me to smack Hippo?

SHE SCREAMS

You mustn't smash the door!

Stop smashing the door!

You mustn't smash the door!

You mustn't smash the door!

Simon, Simon, what are you doing? I can't make her stop.

I don't know how. How do I make her understand?

She runs in the road. She's so strong.

I don't know how to stop her running in the road, Em.

Come on, Rosie.

Come on.

What happened?

Nothing. It's fine.

Have you overreacted again?

Wasn't Daddy being silly?

Ben, can you get my phone and take a picture of the Talisman board

and all the cards?

We'll have to clear it away just in case she decides to eat

the Grim Reaper again. We can get back to it again tomorrow, OK?

And, Si, can you move the wine glasses where she can't get at them?

I'll get the plastics and move the bottle in the kitchen.

I mean, this is the opposite of relaxed.

CHEERING ON TV

What are you doing?

X Factor. She likes looking at the big X.

ROSIE GIGGLES AND HISSES

Hello, mate.

Just putting the recycling out.

Leave some space. We put our overspill in yours.

I know!

Sorry, mate, about all that banging earlier.

Hope we didn't disturb.

No, don't worry. Rosie?

She's just so headstrong. I can't tell her to do anything.

Mine's just the same. No.

I mean, she's smashed a hole in the wall.

Presumably a stud wall, right?

Well, look, I've got loads of filler so maybe I can come over tomorrow

and we can patch it together.

Thanks, Chris.

I hope your night gets easier.

Cheers.

HE POURS HIMSELF A DRINK

It's half past one in the morning, Simon.

Sorry, I lost track of time.

Till half one?

I was at a work thing with Helen.

I phoned Helen. She says she left at nine.

Your phone's off.

Erm, well, the battery was low, so I was saving it.

What for?

Emergencies?

What's the problem? Something happened?

It's every night, Si. You're out, doing...

..fuck knows what and I'm here,

trying to keep that little girl alive.

Oh, that's a bit overdramatic. Is it?

She won't fucking eat, Simon.

I'm sure she will.

Jesus!

I've got everyone, your mum, my mum, all the mums,

the doctors, telling me there's nothing wrong,

like I'm...

a mental fucking neurotic woman.

But there is something wrong.

I know.

So you believe me?

Yeah. Something's wrong. Something's really badly wrong.

Then why...

Why don't you talk to me? Why don't you tell me?

Because that would mean it was true, and it is true, Em,

and I don't want it to be, but it is.

Then help me, please.

Help me, please!

Because I want to grieve, Simon.

I want to grieve for the girl that she isn't,

and no-one's letting me because no-one believes me.

And how can I start if no-one thinks I've lost anything?

And I used to think the worst thing would be to lose a child.

But what if your child is wrong?

They're just not wrong enough to die?

And what if you lost a child, but there was something there,

just reminding you of it all the time?

It's all right. It's all right to say these things.

You say them, just say them to me. Say anything to me.

I should love her and I want to love her.

But I don't know if I can.

She took my beautiful...

My beautiful, normal daughter...

and took her place, and I hate myself for thinking it,

but it's all I think!

I know.

I think it, too.

I just don't want...

Be allowed to just be unhappy, Si.

Just cry.

Just cry, hon.

Is it going to be all right?

It's going to be all right.

I love you. I'm sorry.

But she's our Rosie.

She's our girl and you are going to fall in love with her.

You're going to love her so much.

Will I? Yeah.

Oh.

I still want her to take...

Take after her father.

Drinking from a bottle.

Yeah.

I was thinking...

..if they find out what's wrong with her, then don't we get,

like, a syndrome named after this?

I could be the next Tourette.

Oh, no. I just, I think that they...

I think that they name it after the doctor.

I don't think they name them after the patient's dad.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Yeah, but no-one, no-one wants Pissed Arsehole Syndrome anyway.

Do you think there's any task ever where it would be better

if Rosie helped?

Finding all the Xs in the world?

No. This bit. She's good at this bit.

Who's Daddy's special princess, hey?

I'm sorry I shouted.

And I'll apologise to Hippo.

He didn't deserve that.

You just get me so frustrated, don't you, eh?

What goes on in that crazy, mad head?

That's like Treebeard says.

"None of this makes sense to me, but then you are very small."

That's how he actually sounds.

Shall we have one more go at using the AAC, Rosie, eh?

Do you want to use this, like at school?

That's it.

Can you use it to talk to us?

Want to use it like with the teachers at school?

Oh, my God, she's actually doing it.

That's it.

Good girl.

Yeah, what is it, darling?

AAC: I...

..want... Oh.

..Daddy...

..go

bye-bye.

I want Daddy go bye-bye.

I want Daddy go bye-bye.

Well done, Rosie!

You clever, clever girl!

Mummy's clever girl!

I want Daddy go bye-bye.

I want Daddy go bye-bye.

# There she goes

# There she goes again

# Pulsing through my brain

# And I just can't contain

# This feeling that remains. #