All language subtitles for Trevor.Noah.Son.of.Patricia.2018.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-monkee.EN

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

LIVE NATION PRESENTS
TREVOR NOAH

Beautiful people,
put your hands together for Trevor Noah.

What's going on, Los Angeles?

Welcome to the show.

Thank you for coming out.

Thank you for being here. This is so much fun.

Welcome out.

Oh, look at all of you.

This is so dope.

I love LA.

I love everything about LA.

Even the things people
hate about LA, I love.

I love the traffic in LA.

lt's like one of my favorite experiences.

Yeah, when you don't live here,
it's great.

It's wonderful.

Because you get to be a part of it,
but it's not yours forever.

It's like anther person's child,
you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you get to be like,
"This is crazy. Have it back."

-That's what it feels like.

-I love it, man.

I love the vibe.

You know? I love driving out here.

You know. And while I'm out here,
I get to listen to the radio,

you guys have great radio stations
because you're always in your cars.

In New York--

Radio's not a big thing for me
living in New York.

I ride my bicycle, walk the streets.

I can't listen to music because I'll die.

-Um...

But in LA, that's all I do.

I just listen to music.

Now, these days when you're driving,
all you hear is trap music.

That's the big thing you hear, is trap.

That's the new music on the radio.
It's really fun. Trap.

I don't understand what they're saying,
but I enjoy it.
-Every single song is the same.

Every trap song to me sounds like
a toddler complaining about life.

That's all I hear
when I listen to trap songs.

Every time a trap song plays on the radio,
I think of my little brother,

he'll go outside and hurt himself.

He'll come back crying, it sounds like
every single trap song ever.

He'll walk in like...

I'll be like, "Yo, Isaac, what happened?"

And I'll be like, "Yo, yo ,yo,
dude, slow down."

I thought you were
playing with your friends.

What happened?"

♪ All my friends are dead ♪

♪ Push me to the edge ♪

♪ All my friends are dead now ♪

♪ Push me to the edge now ♪

"Go talk to your mom. I don't know
what you're saying.

Talk to your mom."

Ah...

The City of Angels,
I love every moment, man.

I'm enjoying myself.

I just got back from vacation.
So I'm having a great time.

You got that vacation swag,
you've still got that thing.

You know, you still feel loose.

You feel relaxed.

I went to Bali on vacation.

-Out in Indonesia.

Yeah, if you've never been,

make a plan and get out there.
It's an amazing place.

Uh, I went out with some of my friends,

learned a few things about myself
as a person.

The most important thing I learned

is somebody needs to invent
a TripAdvisor

specifically for black people.

Right? No, because just generally,

I find that what white people
want to do on vacation,

is what black people
are trying to escape.

And not in a bad way.

We just want
different things out of life.

Like my white friends are always
inviting me camping, for instance.

Always.

With enthusiasm.

Like, "Trevor wanna go camping, dude?"

I'm like, "Why?"

I was like, "Dude.
What do you mean, 'Why?'

It's amazing. Are you kidding me?

No water, no electricity, you know?

It's just us and the great outdoors,

you've got to take a dump

in the hole in the floor
or something, dude."

I'm like, "Yeah, that was my life.

That was me growing up.

You know how hard I worked
to never go camping again?"

Every day!

Every day.

Every day I wake up in my bed,

and I'm like, "Thank God
I'm not camping."

If my family saw pictures of me camping,

they would be devastated.

If my grandmother saw me
out in the woods,

she'd be like, "What happened to Trevor?

I thought he was successful. Oh!

It must be the crack."

Ah.

I won't go camping.

So, I went with my friends to Bali.
They planned the trip.

And uh, before we went, I asked my friend

I was like, "Yo, Mitch,
what are we going to be doing?

He was like, "Don't ask questions, Trevor.
It's just gonna be a great time."

I was like, "I want to know
what the great time is going to be about."

He was like, "Dude, don't ask questions."

-I should have asked questions.

Because we had fun.

But there were a few things
that were weird

that I wouldn't necessarily
do on my own.

For instance, on the third day
of the trip,

we had what was planned,
what was billed in our itinerary

as an authentic Balinese experience.

That's what they called it,
"an authentic Balinese experience."

What they did was,
they woke us up at 5 a.m.,

put us in a little bus,
and we drove for three hours.

And when we got there,
we get out of the bus,

in the middle of what looks like
a remote village,

and a little tour guide, really happy,

way too happy for that time,
and he's like

"Welcome, everybody.

Are you ready for a good time?"

And I'm like, "Yeah."

And so he's like, "My name is Dang Basaan
and I'm going to be your guide.

Today, you will have an authentic
Balinese experience.

So exciting!

Follow me."

And so we follow him,

and he walks up to a little door.

and I'm like, "This is going to be
like a temple or cave..."

And he's like,
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

to the real Bali."

and he opens the door,

into somebody's house.

This is not a museum house,
this is just a house.

Someone lives there every single day.

He opens the door and he's like,

"This is the home of someone in Bali.

He eats here.

He sleeps here."

"

We didn't knock.
Nobody answered the door.

For all I know,
we're breaking and entering right now.

We're in some weird Balinese gang.
I don't know how this works.

And as I'm about to ask the question,
he turned and he's like,

"Over here you can see
the owner of the house.

He's in the corner."

We turn, and there's a man.
The whole time, just sitting there.

Frozen stiff.

And I'm like, "Is this guy part of this?"

I don't know if we should be doing this
or should not be doing this?"

And Dang Basaan turns to him,
starts speaking in Balinese.

He's like...

-"Okay, you can touch anything."

And so I'm like,
"I don't think we should--"

Before I can even finish,

the people in our tour group
were like, "Yeah!

Touch it all.

Oh my God. Touch it all.

Oh my God, does he sleep here?

Oh, wow. Is this where he eats?

Oh, my God, I could never do this.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me.

Thank you so much for having us.

Oh, my God, I appreciate my life
so much more right now.

Thank you so much.

This is horrible.
Can we take a selfie?

Thank you. Are you on Instagram?
I'll just put hashtag "the man."

Thank you. Oh my God."

So I'm really awkward right now,
Right, um...

because this is like something
culturally I'm not supposed to be doing.

As an African person,
I should not be in somebody's house

rummaging through their life.

So I'm standing in the corner
really uncomfortable.

And the owner of the house
is really accommodating,

he's friendly.

You know.
He's like, "Yes, thank you. Enjoy. Enjoy.

Thank you."

And then he turns and looks at me.

And this was one of the most
magical moments, right,

because he was smiling at everyone else

and his face completely changed
when he turned.

He was all hospitable,
like, "Yes, thank you. Thank you."

And with his eyes,

he proceeded to have

the most in-depth conversation with me
that I've ever had.

It's not like the eyes conversation
was new to me.

You can have an eyes conversation
with anyone you have a connection with.

It could be somebody of the same race
when you're in public.

Er, it could be like a husband and wife.

Wives are good
at having eyes conversations.

They'll like shit on you hard.

You'll be in public together,
and you'll say something off--

You'll be like, "If only she did that."

She'll be like, "Hell no.
I cannot believe you said--"

But it's just eyes. "I cannot believe
you said all that.

Wait until the next--

You want to air
our dirty laundry in public?

You'll see how this is going to end.

You say this and enjoy this moment
right now,

because it's over."

And you're like,
"I shouldn't have done that."

All with eyes. Right?

That's what he did to me.

Because one minute
he's smiling at everybody,

and then he turns and looks at me.

And with his eyes, he was like,
"What are you doing here?"

So with my eyes, I was like,

"Hey man, I'm sorry, I didn't know
this was your house.

They said it was an authentic experience.
That's why I came."

He was like,
"Yeah, authentic for white people.

You've got your own poor.
Go back to where you came from."

I was like, "Yeah, I shouldn't be here,
man. I'm sorry."

So I left.

I go outside.

About 15 minutes later,
everyone's done with their poverty porn,

so they come and join me.

-Um...

Dang Basaan follows the crowd.
And he's having a blast. You can tell.

He walks out and says,
"Everyone have a great time?

I know you enjoyed that.

Now, it's time for a special surprise.

Follow me, everybody, to the back."

And he takes us
to the back of the house, right.

Where there's this area they've laid out,

where clearly they have
some sort of performance.

There's a stage, there's raked seating.

He tells us to find our seats,
so we all sit down.

There's people from all over the world
in our tour group.

Myself, my American friends,
some British people.

There's a French family.
A dad and his son.

They sit next to me.
So I sit in the front row.

And Dang Basaan comes back out.

And all of a sudden, he's wearing
a giant Balinese headdress.

Looking really beautiful, you know.

He looks at us and he's like,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

are you ready for an authentic
Balinese experience?

Please welcome the snakes of Bali."

"

I'm like, "Oh, he said snakes."

The snakes of Bali--

And I look, and there's snakes.

There's a group of men gathering snakes

to bring out to us.

And so I'm like, "Yeah, no. No, I don't."

No, because you see
as a black person, culturally,

I'm trying to not die.

So...

I take all my stuff and start packing it.

And the French guy turns to me
and he's like,

"My friend,
where are you going? The show."

I said, "Yeah. No, the guy
said there's snakes coming,

so I'm going to move.

I'm gonna go to the back."

He said, "You are moving
because of the snake?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Why are you
moving for the snake, my friend?

Are you afraid of a snake?"

-I said, "Yeah.

That's exactly what I am,
afraid of the snakes."

He said, "Such a big man,
but you are afraid of a snake?"

I said, "Yeah with a big brain,
that's why I'm afraid."

It's a snake.

You're not going to trick me into
not being afraid of a snake.

My toxic masculinity is not so high

that I'll be like, " Yeah, you know what
man, come on, Snakey. Come on."

It's a snake!

Instead of just letting it go,
this guy turns.

He's like, "I cannot belive it,
a big man like this. Jean-Pierre--"

He talks to his son.

And this kid's like "ha, ha, ha!"

"Snake. Snake!"

And he's like, "Oui, oui, snake.

Are you afraid? Snake.

What is this? It's a snake.

Snake."

And these two carry on for
like 15 seconds non-stop.

Right. Just back and forth.

"Snake, snake, snake," the whole time.

He's like, "Snake. Are you scared? Snake."

I'm like, "Whatever man,
you guys lost all your wars."

So I go to the back.

-Right.

-I don't have time for this.

I don't have time for this,

because there's snakes.

So, I go to the back, take all my stuff.

I climb up and I'm sitting at the top,

because I want to see the show,
I just don't want to be a part of it.

So I've got my stuff.

I move all the way up to the top.

I sit there. As I get there,
the show starts.

And Dang Basaan's really excited

and he's like,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your first performer,

the powerful Python."

And a dude comes out with a giant
python wrapped around him.

Alright. And this guy had this cool trick

where the python
would squeeze him really tight.

Super tight. So tight, you could almost
hear his bones cracking. Alright.

And then he'd make a sound.
He'd be like...

-Eeh.

And the snake would let go.

Then it'd start squeezing him again,

and he'd be like... eeh.

And the snake would let go.

It would squeeze him again

and he'd make the same sound, like... eeh

And the snake would let go.

I was like, "This is dope. This is cool.

Yeah, we're in a consensual relationship.
I like this. This is uh..."

So he leaves with the snake.

The next performer comes out,

and this guy had a green mamba
with him, right?

And so Dang Basaan is like,

"Ladies and gentlemen, the green mamba."

This guy comes out and he had a cool trick

where he took the lid off the basket

the green mamba would come out
and it would start doing a little move.

And then someone would play music

and then the snake charmer
would dance with the snake.

They'd do the same moves,
like a Justin Timberlake video,

just the two of them back and forth.

I was like, "That was dope."
The snake goes back in.

And then Dang Basaan came out
one final time.

He was like, "Now, ladies and gentlemen,

are you ready
for the final part of the show?

Please welcome The King Cobra."

The final performer comes out with a cobra. Puts the snake down.

Lifts the lid, snake comes out.

And I don't know
what it was about the snake.

But you could feel
the energy change, like.

They were all snakes,

but this snake looked mean.

You know?

Like it looked like it hated life.

There was something about it.

This snake looked like it had a mortgage.

Because it looked at us,

and then fixed its eyes on the charmer.

He was really cool and calm.

He didn't even look at the snake.
He addressed us.

He was like "Ladies and gentlemen.

They say the cobra can strike
faster than the man can blink.

But can a man move faster
than the snake can think?"

And I'm like oooh...

-"I don't know what that means,

but I'm in."

Because it sounds like
a dumb Instagram quote, but I'm in.

And this guy had the most amazing trick.

What he did was

he got right up close to the snake,

and he put his hands behind his back.

And then, he would make it seem like
he was going to kiss the snake.

And the snake will be no further
than like a foot from his face.

And then he would make this sound
like a kissing sound.

As he made the sound,
the snake would try to bite him,

and he moved away.
I've never seen anything like it.

But he leaned in, and he's like,
"Come on, snake."

"Too slow, snakey.

Try again.

No love for you, my friend.

Come on, snakey."

And all of us are enthralled.

Every single one of us.
No one's making a sound, no one's moving.

And he does it over and over again.

And then,

to take it to the next level,
he closes his eyes,

pouts his lips,

and I guess, at this point,

the snake was probably like,

"I think I figured this out.

This dude's going to make the sound

and then he's going to move.

But if I bite before the sound,

I can change everyone's lives."

Because that's exactly
what the snake does.

The guy closes his eyes, pouts his lips.

Before he can make the sound,
the snake strikes him.

-Pa! Bam!
Hits him on the mouth.

Right? Cuts his lip open,

blood goes spraying everywhere.

Now, that should be the end of the story,
the craziest part of the story.

No, this is the middle.

-The snake hits him on the mouth.

The blood goes spraying.

This guy jumps back,

and then acts like he didn't
just get bitten by a snake.

Which makes us think we're crazy,
because we all saw it.

Everyone in the audience was like

And then he jumps back,

and he just shakes it off.
You know what he did?

He did that thing that people do

when they get their hand jammed
into a car door or something?

Like it slammed,
and there's a

And people will just be like mmm...

He did that, but with a snake.

So the snake hits him, the blood sprays,

and he jumps back and he's like mmm...

"Don't worry. We're fine.
Don't worry.

Don't worry. Everybody, we're fine.

Relax, relax, we are fine."

But we weren't fine.
You know, how we know this?

Because his face started melting
on the one side.

Right?

So his face starts melting,
his lips start turning blue

and he goes back to do
his kiss trick again,

but he can't even stand
and he looks at the snake.

The snake looks at him, and he's like
"Okay, show is done.

Goodnight everybody. Goodbye.

"Goodbye." He runs off.

And all of us now are like,
"What the hell just happened?"

He runs off, I have questions in my head.

Like is he going to be okay?

Do we get our money back?

How does this work?

And then we turn back and we realize.

He's forgotten his snake.

And you know what the worst thing was?

It seemed like the snake
realized the same thing at the same time.

Because the snake also watched him leave

and then as we turned back,
the snake was also like,

"Oh shit."

And so now,

it's just us,

and the snake.

And mind you, there's no barrier, right.

There's no concrete. There's no glass.
There's nothing.

It's an authentic Balinese experience.

So we're all staring at the snake.
The snake is staring at us.

And then,

one genius decided now would be
the perfect time

to get an Instagram picture.

And I don't know if it was the camera,
the sound, or the flash.

All I heard was "click,"

and the snake jumped up and was like...

And we were all like... arghhhh.

And then it was chaos.

Pandemonium ensued.

Don't forget, I was at the back.
So I just jumped.

I was like, "Being black saved me!"I

I was out.

Panic ensued.

Everyone jumps up,
people are trying to scramble

trampling over each other.

The French guy was my favorite,
he jumps up,

and he was like, "Sacre bleu!"

Le serpent, le serpent!

"Allez, Jean-Pierre, allez."

And he's pushing the people and running.
"Allez! Jean-Pierre. Jean-Pierre."

And when he turns,

his son hasn't moved, right?

So, little Jean-Pierre
is planted to the spot, terrified.

And you see his face like,
"Papa! Papa!"

He was like, "Allez, Jean-Pierre.
Mon ami."

Papa! Papa!

And so the dad realizes he's got
to go back in and save his kid.

But this is one of those moments where
you can see the fundamental difference

between mothers and fathers. Right?

Because a mother would run in
without thinking,

and she would be like,
"I will die for my child.

Strike me now, snake."

Right, that's moms.

Dads will save their kid, but in
the back of their head, they're thinking,

"I'm going to save my kid.

But I don't want to die. I mean--

I don't want to die because this dumbass
didn't know to run

when his dad was running.

I mean, there's a snake
and I start running,

why wouldn't you run at the same time?

Now I've got to die for your dumb ass,
which makes no sense,

because I can make another one of you,
you can't make another one of me.

I should just make you a brother

and we can mourn
your dumbass death together.

I don't know why
we're doing this right now." I think that's what the dad
was thinking.

Because he didn't fully commit.

Instead, he tried to sneak in
behind his kid.

Then he grabs the back of his hoodie

and yanks him to safety.

So now, little Jean-Pierre's
choking on the ground.

Papa!

And he finally gets him to the side.

Another snake charmer comes running out,

grabs the snake, puts it in the sack,

and finally danger is averted.

Everybody's safe.

Everyone is safe but terrified.

Some people are crying, others are in shock.

I'm standing on the side,
watching all of this.

Little Jean-Pierre is with his dad,
both in tears.

"Desolé mon ami. Desolé Jean-Pierre"

Papa!

And I don't speak French,

but I know this kid was like,
"You asshole, you left me.

I'm going to tell Mom."

And so, I'm staring at them,

and I guess they could
feel that I was staring.

So they both stopped at the same time.

And they turned and looked at me
and I looked at them.

And in that moment,

in that moment I realized

we're all human beings.

We all experienced the same thing,

we went through the same trauma.

No matter what happened to us before,
we are all human beings.

They looked at me,
I could see in their eyes

what they'd just experienced,
what I experienced.

And in that pause, I bent down,

and I got real close to them

and I was like, "Snake."

That's how racism starts.

But you know what? It was worth it.

Yeah, it was worth it.

I love traveling, man.

I love traveling,
learning about places.

Reading things and meeting new people.

I er...

When I think about
the history of racism--

I'm fascinated by racism as a concept,

you know, as an action,

a policy... All of it fascinates me.

I read these stories in history.

And one of the most fascinating things
I read about recently,

one of the most fascinating places,

was a place called, Rochester, New York.

Where-- Genuinely, this blew my mind,

they had a city which was basically
dedicated to rehabilitating

people who had escaped slavery.

So, black people who escaped the South,

gone into the North,

were rehabilitated at this place.

Frederick Douglass
wrote many of his works there.

the suffragette movement kicked off there.

It's a powerful little place.

I was reading these stories,
and what they would do is,

slaves would escape from the South,
they'd make their way to the North.

Get to Rochester,
the Underground Railroad got them there.

And then they would rehabilitate them,
put them on boats,

and send them to Canada

so that they could live free.

And I was like,
"That's a fascinating story,"

for two reasons: one, it reminds you

there were a lot of good people,
white people, out there.

I often get angry at white people

then I'm like, "No, there's good ones.
Calm down." Um...

And the second part of it that was amazing

was that they convinced black people
to get back on boats.

I think

that's one of the most amazing stories

I've ever read.

Because, do you know how convincing
you'd have to be

to convince someone
who's just escaped slavery?

Think about that for a second.
Somebody's just escaped slavery.

They've made their way there finally,

they wake up after one night
of free sleep,

and they walk out
and it's just like, "Hey, man.

I just want to say thank you so much

for everything you did for me, man."

"You know what, my friend?

Nobody deserves to live how you lived,
and I'm glad we got you out."

"Thank you so much.
I appreciate you, brother."

"Thank you, my friend.

Okay, all we've got to do now
is get you some paperwork,

get you cleaned up, put you on a boat,
get you to Canada,

and you can live a free life.

Everything will be better."

"I'm sorry. Hold up. Er...

Yeah, could you You?

What did you say?"

"I know the paperwork thing is weird,

but we've got to get you
some identification."

"No, you said something about a boat?"

"We'll put you on a boat
to get you to Canada."

"Yeah. No, I don't--

Yeah, we don't do boats no more.

I don't know if you know our history

but me and my people,
we took a cruise one time.

That shit didn't go so well.

So yeah, we've got to find another way

to get to Canada if you don't mind."

"But the boat is the best way for us
to get there from Rochester."

"Yeah, that might be
the best way for y'all.

But we gon' walk.

Hell we can run, we can run real good.

We can run, but we ain't
getting on no boat."

"My friend, you've
got to get on the boat."

"Man, I ain't got to do shit.

I just got free.

Imagine if I get on that boat,
and on the other side it's the same?

What will they say to me?

'
-'He was real nice.'

Hell no!

I ain't getting on no boat."

"You've got to get on the boat, though.

You're free now.
You've got to get over this."

"Maybe one day, in a few hundred years,

one of my descendants named Kanye West
will be over this shit,

but I ain't over it now.

So, I ain't getting on no boat."

"We got to get you
on the boat, dammit."

"I'm not getting on no boat."

And that was the day

the phrase, "Nigga, please" was invented.

The white man turned and went,
"Nigga, please, I need you on that boat."

And that story was passed down
generation to generation,

black person to black person,

free man to free man.

"And that white man got down on
his knees, and he said, 'Nigga, please.'"

"
-"Nigga, please.

I ain't never heard
that phrase before in my life.

-Nigga, please... Nigga please.
"

I know that's probably a phrase
Barack Obama used

at least once in the White House.

At least once.

Like, "Mr. President, do you think Trump
is because of you?

"
-"Nigga, please."

Just one time, one time.

I know he used it.

Actually, I had the pleasure

of meeting President Obama
while he was in office.

Probably one of the craziest experiences
I've ever had in my life.

Yeah, I was...

It came out of nowhere.
It came out of nowhere.

I was at The Daily Show,
I was in my office

and I got a phone call
from the administration.

And someone on the other
end was like, "Hi, Trevor.

Would you like to interview the President
of the U.S. in the White House?"

And I was like,
"Do you ask stupid questions?"

I was like, "Of course I want to meet
the President of the United States.

Are you serious?"

And the day finally came.

I went to DC with my TV crew.

And they set us up in a room,

which was literally opposite
the Oval Office.

We put all our cameras in place.

All we're doing now is waiting for
the President to arrive. So we're staring at the door
with baited breath.

And the reason we're staring

is they don't give you
an exact time of the President's arrival,

for his safety.

So they just give you a window,
like the cable guy.

So we're all waiting there,

listening to every footstep,
every moment,

and then he just popped in behind us,
scared the shit out of everybody.

Yeah. There's a secret door,
but they don't tell you.

Again for safety. Right.

We're staring at the door
and suddenly he's like, "Hello."

I was like... arghhh!

But I had a great time
in the interview with him.

He was really kind to everyone
in the room,

and then we turned off the cameras,

and I promise you, he became even nicer,
we just had a conversation.

I thought he'd leave.
He's President of the U.S.,

he's got to go do something.

And he just chilled for a bit, you know?

And we spoke as human beings,
and it went really well

until he turned to me and he said,

"Trevor, I've got a show

that I'm doing in a few weeks,
a little thing,

I thought maybe you'd want to pop by
and perform, if you don't mind."

I said, "Mr. President,
I would be honored.

Just let me know when and where.
What's the show going to be for, sir?"

He said, "Trevor, I'm doing a little thing
for my aides,

and I thought maybe you'd
want to be there."

I said, "I would love to, thank you.

I'm sorry, a show for what?"

He said, "For my aides, Trevor."

I said,

"You have AIDS?"

And then--

And then he explained

what he meant.

And I wanted the earth
to swallow me whole.

Because I had just looked at
the President of the United States,

and asked him if he had AIDS.

And the worst thing
is that he was nice to me as well.

'Cause I said that and then he explained
and I was like, "I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean it.

I don't even know why--

You said "aides", and then AIDS..."

Because, here's the thing.
In my defense,

I get it now.

He means aides,
as in the White House aides

the people who help the President.
I get it now.

But in my defense, where I'm from
AIDS is some other shit

that doesn't help anybody.

No one in Africa is walking around saying,
"Let me introduce you to my AIDS."

So now I'm here.

I'm frazzled. I'm like,
"Mr. President, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean that.
You don't have AIDS, even if you did

there's nothing wrong with having AIDS.
There's no stigma.

Actually, I don't know what I'm saying.
I'm so sorry."

He was like, "Trevor, Trevor,
calm down, Trevor.

Trevor, Trevor calm down."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. President,
I shouldn't have said that.

I'm the dumbest person you ever met.
He was like, "Trevor, Trevor,"

"I'm the dumbest person you've ever met."

He was like, "No, Trevor that's not true.

I've met Trump."

Get out of here!

So smooth.

I'm used to it in life, though.

This is something that commonly happens
to me, living in the US.

You know. I understand it as an idea.

If you move to another country,

you're probably gonna have
to learn another language.

I didn't realize that would
happen in America,

because I speak English.

But here, people speak American.
Similar, but not the same. Alright?

Like small things change, small things.

I accept that, small things
like pronunciation.

For instance the thing
you drink, I call that "water".

Yes, water, in American you say
"wadder".

Right? "Wadder". Yeah.

I say "water"
because there's a T in the word. Right?

Erm...

The glass you see yourself in
every morning,

I refer to that as "a mirror".

Yeah
In American you say "Ameer", right?

"Ameer", which is
not the same thing to me.

A mirror is the glass,
Ameer is a Middle Eastern man,

very different experience.

It's not the same thing.

That's just pronunciation, right.

You also have to learn the meanings
of words that you already knew

when you move to America.

For instance, where I'm from

there's a garment that men
commonly wear under their shirts.

It's white and it's sleeveless.

Where I'm from,
we refer to this as a "vest".

Okay?

I've now learned, in American,

it is known as a "wife beater".

-Yeah, I have so many questions.

And so the best and worst experience I had
learning American

happened to me when I actually first
moved to the US.

I lived in California, in Pasadena

when I first came
to the United States, right.

and the reason I lived in Pasadena

is because that's where
I knew my first American friend,

a guy by the name of David Meyer.

He came to South Africa
to film a documentary.

We became the best of friends

and one day we were hanging out
in Dave's apartment.

Dave's chilling on his bean bag,

and he looks over at me and he's like,

"Trevor, dude,

I don't know about you right now,

but I'm starving."

I said,

"I think you mean you're hungry, Dave."

He said, "What?"

I said, "It doesn't matter,
what you want to eat?"

He said, "You know what I'm craving
right now, man?

I'm craving tacos."

I said, "That sounds like fun.
Let's do it, man.

Let's go to Tacos."

"What?"

"Isn't that the restaurant you're craving?
Tacos?"

"Are you being serious right now?

You've never had tacos?"

"No, I don't know what tacos is."

"You've never had tacos?"

"My answer hasn't changed
from now, Dave. No."

-"I've never had tacos."
"

And by the way, I hate it
when people do that.

You know when people ask you
the same question over and over again,

they can't believe you haven't
had the same life experience?

You know that thing they do?

With everything, "Oh my God,
have you heard the new Beyoncé?"

-No.

-No, I haven't--

Oh no, now I have.

No, I'd never had tacos, right.

I'd never had tacos,
because in South Africa,

we don't really have Mexican food.

We don't have Mexican food,
because we don't have Mexicans.

They never came over.
It's not my fault.

Dave was personally offended.

I'll never forget, he jumped up
and he was like, "Dude.

I cannot believe you've been
in America all this time

and you've never had tacos."

I said, "Dave why is it such a big deal?"

He's like, "Because, Trevor,
nothing says America like tacos."

I said, "Really?

Nothing says America like Mexican food?"

And, you know, what's funny
is I feel like in that moment,

Dave was being profound.

He didn't even realize it,
but that was a profound

little nugget that he had just espoused.

Nothing says America like tacos.

I've had the privilege of traveling
everywhere in this beautiful country.

I've been to places like
Erie, Pennsylvania;

El Paso, Texas;
Honolulu, Hawaii, you know.

I've been everywhere,
and one thing I've learned

across the board in America,

is that Americans love tacos.

applause]

Everywhere you go,

Americans love tacos.

Love tacos.

Even people you wouldn't expect.

I was watching the news one day,

and there was a guy at a rally,

and they were asking him about
immigration

and families being separated, etc.

And this guy,
regardless of his politics,

he was being really mean
and xenophobic, and racist.

You know, just acting real presidential.

And the journalist asked him,

the journalist asked him about children

and he just went straight in,
he was like, "Boy, I tell you what,

I don't give a damn about
any of these goddamn Mexicans.

They came over here.
They ain't supposed to be here, boy. Wooo!

It's our country now, you hear?

That's right, boy.
Go back to where you came from. Wooo!

These Mexicans ain't done nothing good.

Ain't brought nothing good to America.

We don't need y'all.

Come on, Bubba.

It's Taco Tuesday."

Get out of here, but leave the recipes.

I feel like there should
be a rule in America,

they should say, you can hate immigrants
all you want,

but if you do,
you don't get to eat their food.

That's a fair exchange to me.

You hate immigrants,

-no immigrant food.

And when I say no immigrant food,
I mean no immigrant food. Nothing.

No Mexican food.
No Caribbean food.

No Dominican food.

No Asian food.
Nothing. Only potatoes.

And I'm not even saying flavored potatoes.
I'm saying plain potatoes.

No spice.

Because no immigrants, no spice.
Don't ever forget that.

Both figuratively and literally,
no spice.

And I know some people would take that.
I know.

I know people now who'd be like,

You know what?
Take your immigrants, take your spice

and get the hell out of here. You say that now,

because you've never
lived a life without spice.

But don't ever forget.

A life without spice was so hard,

so hard,

that it made white people
sail around the world to find it.

And like...

This wasn't regular sailing,
this wasn't like a Disney cruise.

These people sailed at a time

when they believed if you went that way,

you would fall off
the edge of the Earth and die.

And still,

some man out there

was eating some white ladies cooking

and he was like,
"I can't do this shit anymore.

I'm sailing that way."

"But what if you die?"

"At least it's exciting."

No immigrants,

no spice.

And definitely no tacos.

I know my friend Dave
would never allow that.

I've never seen him so passionate.

He gave me a speech about tacos

like he was the heir to a taco dynasty.

Finally, he turned to me and said,
"As your friend and as an American,

I'm going to make sure that you get tacos

if it's the last thing I ever do!"

I was like, "Why don't we just go now?"
He was like, "That'll work."

You know what my favorite part
of any conversation is?

When people think
you're gonna argue with them, but you agree
and they've already chosen anger.

Because nobody just changes their tone.

Everyone has to stick in the anger
for a while

because they think it makes them
seem less crazy.

It happens in relationships all the time.

You'll have a fight that's not a fight.
You know?

You'll be like, "Goddamnit Karen,

every time I ask for support,
you're not there for me,

and it hurts me sometimes."

"You know what, Bob, I'm sorry."

"No, don't try and--
Thank you very much.

I didn't think you would apologize
and so I chose this tone.

And now I feel like an idiot.

I'm going to leave the room and reset."

I wasn't going to fight,
I want to have tacos.

Let's go get tacos, Dave.

So we rolled together,
jumped into the car.

And so we drove

for about 20 minutes.

To what I thought

was going to be a restaurant.

Instead,

Dave pulls over

into an abandoned parking lot.

He kills the engine, looks over at me
and goes, "Alright, dude.

We're here."

I was like, "Where, at my murder scene?"

He was like, "No dude,
we're getting tacos. Over there."

He points, in the corner
of the parking lot was a truck.

A food truck,

which I've learned is common in America.

Some of the best food you find
is on a food truck.

But at that point in time,
you'll have to forgive me,

I was little bit apprehensive.

Okay?

I wasn't comfortable with the idea
of getting food from an establishment

-that wouldn't be there the next day.

I feel like there's a certain level
of accountability

that comes with permanence.

Dave was adamant, though.
He's like, "You gotta get it from a truck.

That's how you know it's real."

I was like, "Let's just get this
over with, let's do it."

So I hop out of the car,
walk up to the truck,

and it was definitely a taco truck,

because there was a sign above it
flashing that read "Tacos".

Tacos.

Tacos.

By the way, weird piece of trivia
about me as a person,

I hate signs that flash

but don't change.

Yeah, I always feel like

a sign shouldn't be allowed to flash

unless it intermittently changes
to some other information.

Otherwise, I think that's wasted suspense.

It should be illegal.

It always catches my eye

and then I wait for something else,
Like, "Tacos" and "Tacos".

And what else?
"Tacos."

Anything else?
"Tacos."

Just stay on Tacos.

Anyway, now I'm irritated.

I walk up to the truck.

I get there, this little dude pops out.

He was a completely different mood to me.

You could tell. He popped his head out,
"Hey, how you doing, man?

You want some tacos?"

I said, "It would be awkward
if we didn't."

He says, "What? Oh, yeah.

Of course man, of course,
but you never know.

Maybe you want something else. Yeah?"

I said, "What else do you have,
my friend?"

He said, "Nothing man, it's a taco truck."

I said, "Oh, thank you.

That's a moment of my life
I'll never get back. Thank you very much."

He said, "No, no, no.
Calma-te, man.

I just don't want to waste your time.
You want tacos, let's do tacos.

How many tacos you want, my friend?"

I said, "I don't know how many tacos
to get.

I've never had tacos before."

"You've never had tacos?"

-I said, "No, I haven't."
"

I was like, "You should
meet my friend Dave."

Because I'm not going to order food
when I don't know what it is.

Okay, I don't know
what the quantities are.

I don't know what tacos are,
what a taco is.

I don't know what a taco be.
What do you say?

How many do you get?
Because if I go, "Give me five."

What if tacos are like
little pigs or something?

And I'm like, "Give me five!"

Next thing I know, I'm walking home...

"And that's how I started my farm."

I have no clue what these things are.

So, I'm like, "Yo man,
I just want to try the food.

Just give me enough to try."
He said "Okay.

You just trying it out, two tacos
is enough."

I said, "Okay, give me 2 tacos."

"Two tacos coming up!"

The guy goes to the back,

starts preparing the food.

I have no clue what's coming out.

Comes back a few minutes later,
"Hey, my friend."

Your tacos are ready.

I was like, "Thank you very much."
"Yeah, you want you want a napkin?"

"
"

And now, LA,

this is where it gets weird for me.

Because, you see,

where I'm from,

napkins are the things babies wear

to hold their shit.

The thing for your mouth,
we call a serviette.

But I didn't know that,
so at this point this man turned to me,

offered me food and then said,

"You want a napkin?"

I said, "I'm sorry, I'm confused. Wh--

Why would I want a napkin?"

"You know, man.
For the mess afterwards?"

He said for the mess.

"How instant is it
that I'd need a napkin?"

"Hey man, you never know with tacos, man.

One minute you think you got it,
the next thing, it's coming out."

It sounds like the most disgusting thing
I've ever heard in my life.

He said, "No it's part of the experience.
Everybody does it, man.

You make a mess, you clean up,
you come back and try again. You know?"

I said, "That's an experience
I don't want to have, not gonna lie."

-I'm going to skip it.

I said, "I'll try the food.
But I'm not gonna take the napkin, man."

He says, "What are you going to do?"

I say, "If it's as crazy as you say,

I'll just eat the taco in the car
on the way home."

"Oh... You think you're safe.

You're going to be driving?

Somebody swerves, you hit the brakes.
Splat! It's coming out.

Don't be a hero, man.

Just take the napkin."

I said, "Alright,
I'm not being a hero right now.

I'm just being a grown-ass man.
Okay?

If it gets really bad,
I'll just squeeze super tight

until I get to where I'm going."

He's like, "That's the problem.

Some people don't know,
they squeeze too tight,

then the juice comes sparying out
even more.

It can spray on your pants
and on your shirt..."

I'm like, "On my shirt?"

"How did this shit get onto my shirt?"

Is it just bouncing on the ground
and ricocheting up?

"
"

"I don't even want
your tacos right now, dude."

So much stress.

Now I love tacos.

Yeah.

I love tacos. I love Mexican food.

I love Mexican people.

I don't even know what it is.

I think it's just people.
We have a connection, you know.

South Africans and Mexicans.

People from shithole countries.
We have this thing.

I still can't believe the things
Donald Trump says.

He's such a--

For me, Donald Trump
is an emotional paradox.

I'm not going to lie. You know.

Logically, I can process him,
emotionally I struggle.

On the one hand,

I will admit, I wake up many days
terrified at the notion

that he's president of
the most powerful nation in the world.

But I also must admit I wake up many days

knowing he's going to make me laugh.

There's terror and there's joy,
and I don't know how to feel.

You know what it feels like sometimes?
It feels like there's a giant asteroid

headed towards the Earth.

But it's shaped like a penis.

Like, I think I'm going to die.

But I know I'm going to laugh.

Just look at everything that he does.

The world we now live in
because of him.

You realize we're living through history.

You know. This will never happen in our
lifetimes again.

We're living through a time when
we are all learning about the presidency

at the same time as the president.

That's never happened.

How wild is that concept?

You wake up everyday reading the news,
and you're like,

"Wow, I didn't know that."

And somewhere,
at that exact same moment,

he's reading the same news going,
"Wow, me too."

And nobody knows where it's gonna lead.
Nobody knows what he's gonna do.

All we know is that he wants his wall.
He wants his wall.

Donald Trump wants his wall.

He needs 25 billion dollars
the last time he asked.

He needs it from American taxpayers

because Mexico is smart.

That fell apart real quick.

Remember how confident
he was at the rallies?

People cheering for him.

He was like,
"Folks,

we're gonna build

a wall.

We're going to build a wall, folks.

Who's going to pay?

Mexico."

Mexico was like,
"We ain't paying for shit, man.

We might build it,
but we're not going to pay for it, man."

And if you've been following
the journey of the wall,

but it's probably the best comedy on TV.

Right?

Because now they've started

building prototypes
of the wall at the border,

because Donald Trump said he wants them
to test the wall first.

I don't know how you do that.

They're like, "Try again."

And because of the prototypes,

Donald Trump now
has specifications for the wall.

He now says he wants the wall
to be made out of concrete,

but he also needs the wall
to be see-through.

Alright.

And the reason the president wants
the wall to be see-through

is because he said he's afraid

that drug dealers from Mexico

are going to shoot bags of drugs
over the wall.

And they're going to hit Americans
on the head as they walk by.

So he needs the wall to be see-through,

so that Americans can
see the drugs coming

and catch it.

I'm not going to lie.
I don't know what a see-through wall is.

But at this point, I'm just worried

that a contractor will come along
and trick the president.

He'll take him to the border
and be like, "There it is, Mr.Trump.

Your invisible wall."

And then just to make sure he buys it,

he's going to hire a troupe
of Mexican mimes

to be like, "Oh my God,
you can't get through it."

It works.

The mind of Donald Trump.

The other idea he had for the wall,

was he said America should build the wall
out of solar panels.

That's what he said.

He said America should build the wall out
of solar panels

because that way
the wall would generate electricity

and pay for itself.

Yeah. Now, I'm not going to lie.
That's a good idea, right.

It's a good idea,

unless you know anything
about solar panels, or the Sun or walls.

The problem with that idea
is that the Sun is up.

Yeah
We still on the same page?

The Sun is up, right?

Er, a solar panel wall won't work,
because a wall is like this.

So, technically it's facing down.

So, unless you have a really swaggy sun.

That's like, "Yeah, I shine real low, B."

It's not going to work for you.

The only way it works
is if you take your board or solar panel

and lean it at an angle
to get the sun rays,

but if you do that,
you've created a giant ramp

for Mexicans to shoot into America.

-Just like, "Ora le..."

The mind of Donald J. Trump.

The J stands for Jesús.
A lot of people don't know that.

-A lot of self-loathing going on there.

And he's always
going after someone, right?

He's always going after someone.

If it's not Mexicans, it's Muslims.

If it's not Muslims,
it's Africans from shithole countries.

That one was my favorite, personally,

because I am an African.
I have shat in a hole.

Um...

I also liked it because
people came up to me

and asked me questions.

There's one man
who came up to me after a show,

really concerned.
He was like, "Trevor...

Hey, can I ask you a question?"

I said, "Yeah, go ahead, my friend."

He said, "Trevor, I just want to know,

when Donald Trump says
all these horribly racist things,

do you sometimes just want to
pack it up, leave America,

go back to South Africa
and escape all this racism?"

I said, "My friend,

you don't go to South Africa
to escape racism.

That's where you go to stock up."

Are you kidding me?

That's the one thing
that reminds me of home.

The racism out here.

Cause we've got tons of racism
in South Africa

and don't get me wrong,
it's gotten a lot better.

When I was growing up,
we had Apartheid.

Erm and, you know, Apartheid was basically

the best racism in the world.

Um. Sorry, I didn't mean to say that.

Now you'll feel bad and be like,

"Our racism was the best."
No, it wasn't.

-It was good, but not the best.

And I experienced a bunch of racism

and everyone did.

I never felt like it was a bad thing,
mostly because of my family.

You know, my, my mother
is a black woman, a Xhosa woman.

My father is Swiss from Switzerland,

and them being a couple
was against the law,

and that was a problem
for us living together.

And so we experienced a ton of racism.

In case you're wondering, yes.

Xhosa is one of the languages
with the clicks in it.

But not like in American movies,
just so you know.

I've seen those movies
where they have Africans,

and they're like...

That's not a language.

Even we watch those movies,
and we're like...

"I wonder what they are saying, yeah?"

"Where are they from?"

"I think they from Cleveland?"

It's not just clicks,
the clicks are consonants.

We still have vowels.

I grew up in this family
and we couldn't live together.

I could live with my mom, but my dad
couldn't live with us, it was illegal.

And, and... people would
be racist to us all the time.

But I was really lucky growing up,

because my mom is probably
the most gangster human being

you'll ever meet in your life.

Nothing got to her.

-Nothing fazed her.

I remember one day in particular,

walking through the streets together.

And some guy across the road
shouted something really mean at us.

And I was about four or five years old

and I turned and looked at my mom
and I said, "Mommy,

what do we do if people
do the racism to us?"

My mom said, "Baby, you know
what we do if somebody's racist?

We take that racism of theirs

and we shake it up with the love of Jesus.

And then we send it back."

And I was like, "What?"

I was like, "This lady's crazy."

She was crazy,

but she was also right.

I didn't realize how right my mother was
until decades later,

which I feel is what always happens
with your parents, right.

They're crazy, and then
you get to their age and you're like "Oh,

that's what it means."

I only learned the lesson
my mother was trying to teach me

when I was a grown man.

I was walking through the streets
of Chicago,

minding my own business.

Some guy drove by in a pickup truck

and called me the n-word.

And I'm not going to lie.
I was disappointed.

Mostly because he was
driving a pickup truck.

Yeah, I just feel like that was
an unnecessary stereotype

that he didn't need to perpetuate.

You know...

I feel like if you're going to be racist,
do something different.

Think outside the box.

Drive a Prius.

-Yeah.

It's better for the environment
and it's quiet.

You can sneak up on me.
We both win.

But no, the guy was,
he was driving a pickup truck.

Called me the n-word.

Oh! To give you the full story,
I was jaywalking. I was jaywalking.

And I won't tell you this
to justify what he did,

I just want you to know that I'm no angel.

Okay? Yeah.

I was crossing the road
and then the light turned red for me,

but I decided to walk anyways,
because I don't see color.

Oh my God!

And this man...

This man was so offended
by what I had done

that he drove his truck around me

rolled the window down,
looked me dead in the eye,

and he was like,
"Get out of the road, nigger."

Oh, you could see he wanted to hurt me.

We locked eyes and I could see
in that moment,

he was waiting for me to be like...

What that man didn't know

was where I was from.

More importantly,

who he didn't know

was my mother.

Because he thought
it was just going to be

a regular racist day.

He thought he was gonna drive by,

throw the n-word out,
carry on with his life.

He didn't realize that that was the son
of Patricia stepping into the road.

And it happened in a moment,

but it lasted a lifetime.

Because I didn't even think.
He shouted that word

and out of nowhere,
my body was like...

I was like, "Oh shit, this is it!"

And let me tell you something, LA,

it was so beautiful,
because I didn't plan it.

I didn't think about it.
All I know is I stepped into the road,

he drove his truck around,
rolled the window,

looked me dead in the eye,
said, "Get out of the road, nigger."

And I turned and and I was like,
"Yo, my nigga."

-And he almost crashed and died.

Yeah, I've never seen a human being
question themselves

so many times in a split-second
in my life.

Because I was smiling

and I could see in his face
he was like, "Wait, do I know you?

Do I look like someone you know?"

And I don't know why he did this,
but I'll never forget it.

He looked at his hands.

He looked at his hands like they'd
somehow magically turned black.

Like I had cursed him with a nigger bomb.
I don't know what he was thinking.

Oh...

I actually felt bad for him, man.

Because I've been called that word before,
but that was his first time.

You never forget your first time,
you know?

I'm sorry. I'm not going to--
Is that what he wants?

He wants to throw that word
and my day's spoiled?

That's how it is?
He says, "Nigger!"

"He called me a nigger."

I don't have time for that.

My mom always used to say.

She said you can't control
what people do to you,

but you can control how you react.

So I promised myself.

I said, "I'll never give a racist person
the pleasure of seeing my pain."

It may be painful, may be hurtful,

but I won't give them the pleasure
of seeing my pain.

Someone says something racist,

I take that racism, shake it up
with the love of Jesus,

send it right back.

Don't get me wrong.
It's not always easy.

Not everyone can do the same thing.
Not everyone should.

I also understand that for me
it is a little bit different.

You don't I have a privilege
in that I come from a country

where the word "nigger"
was never used to oppress anybody.

I mean we had another word,

we had the best racism.
Come on now.

But not that word.

That word we had was a word "kaffir".

So we have another word, same thing.

It's crazy to me sometimes.

Same racism, different word.

And here it means nothing, right?
"Kaffir. Kaffir"?

Nothing.

Some people are like,
"Is that like a probiotic?

Is that what that is?"

Yeah, the probiotic of my pain.

We don't have that in our supermarkets.
For obvious reasons.

No one warned me in America.

I walk down the dairy aisle,

I was like, "Yogurt, ice cream...

This lactose is intolerant."

So it's different around the world.
I get that. You know.

It's a privilege I have
in dealing with the n-word.

You know, in South Africa,
no one was called a nigger.

All over Africa no one was oppressed
using that word.

So that word has no power.

Anywhere you go.
"Nigger, nigger, nigger..." Nothing.

Whereas right now I can
feel the tension in this room.

I can feel it.

Some people are like,
"Goddamn it, was that like 7 times?

I get it, Trevor.

That's my quota for the year. Come on."

I get it.

It got me thinking that maybe
we could use that.

We could use that discrepancy to help
each other out,

and create a program

where you guys send
all of your racist people to Africa

just once a year.

Because Africans
will roast the shit out of them.

The best part about Africa is
you don't even have to wait.

Get off the plane
and there's black people everywhere.

Just jump straight in,
and be like, "Nigger, nigger, nigger"

Yeah, and because Africa's
run and owned by black people,

they're not afraid of white people.

They'll just be like, "Jimbo, he's back.
The nigga man.

"

"God dammit. I keep telling you
you're the nigger."

"But you are the one
who always says it, nigga man.

Yeah, you nigga.

Put on some sunscreen
before you die, nigga.

Let's go party."

It would be different.
That's all I'm saying.

It's always weird for me,
I won't lie, because

although no one used that word
in a derogatory way,

the word "nigger" in South Africa
does exist.

Technically, right?

But in my mom's language, Xhosa,

the word "nigga" means "to give".

That's what "nigga" means in Xhosa.

That's how you use it.

So, not only does that word
not hurt me,

when racist people use it on me,
all they end up doing

is bringing back fond memories
of my childhood.

I get flashbacks
to when I was a little kid.

I'd be playing with my cousin
and his toy cars I always stole his cars,
I didn't have my own.

He'd start screaming, like...
Mama! Mama!

My mom would run into the room.

She'd be like
"What's happening here?"

And my cousin would be like,

"Auntie..."

She'd be like "Hey, hey, hey.

Talk properly, I can't hear you.
What happened?"

He'd be like, "Trevor stole my toys."

And my mom would be like, "Trevor,
did you steal your cousin's toys?"

I'd say, "No, Mom, I didn't steal, Mom.

-I promise I didn't steal."
-"Trevor...

Don't lie to me.
Did you steal those toys?"

I said, "No, mom. I didn't steal anything.

What happened was
his cars were parked illegally, Mom.

-And so I had to tow them,

because you can't live
in this society without laws.

I mean, even me,
I'm just a humble civil servant

at the end of the day, Mom.

Without laws, we descend into chaos, Mom.

If you think about it,
that's all that's holding us up.

As a civilization it's the only thing
that keeps us--"

She'd be like, "Hey,

don't come here
with that smart mouth of yours.

Give those toys back."

I said, "Mom, please.
I just want to play--"

"Give those toys back.
Give those toys back."

And I'd be like "Mom"
and she'd be like "Hey, nigger".

And my cousin would be there
like, "Nigga, please."

Yo LA, you guys have
been so much fun tonight.

Thank you so much for coming out
and joining me.

I appreciate you all so much.

Have a good night, everybody.

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