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1
00:00:00,783 --> 00:00:01,583
Kids,
2
00:00:01,708 --> 00:00:05,507
Stella Zenman was a girl I thought
I'd spend the rest of my life with.
3
00:00:05,632 --> 00:00:09,094
Until she left me at the altar,
smashing my heart to smithereens.
4
00:00:09,219 --> 00:00:11,473
So when I ran into her
seven months later,
5
00:00:11,598 --> 00:00:13,596
there was only one way
to deal with her.
6
00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:17,920
- Great to see you!
- You, too.
7
00:00:18,635 --> 00:00:19,435
And Tony!
8
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:22,939
What a nice surprise.
9
00:00:23,107 --> 00:00:26,144
"What a nice surprise"?
No, a nice surprise would be
10
00:00:26,379 --> 00:00:29,579
if a safe fell from 40 stories
and smushed them both.
11
00:00:29,704 --> 00:00:31,337
I mean, you didn't let them have it?
12
00:00:31,462 --> 00:00:34,617
No, we had a nice friendly chat, then
they went their way and I went mine.
13
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:36,911
Ted, you blew it.
He blew it, right?
14
00:00:39,435 --> 00:00:41,082
- Well played, sir.
- Bravo.
15
00:00:41,268 --> 00:00:42,750
- What?!
- You see, Robin,
16
00:00:42,875 --> 00:00:46,134
Ted played it cool, which is exactly
what he should have done.
17
00:00:46,259 --> 00:00:48,881
As a matter of fact,
I'd say on a scale ranging from...
18
00:00:49,051 --> 00:00:50,800
"And I kept this sweater of yours...
19
00:00:51,928 --> 00:00:54,192
and sometimes I just
sit in the bathtub
20
00:00:54,317 --> 00:00:56,067
for hours just, you know,
21
00:00:56,544 --> 00:00:57,894
just sniffing it."
22
00:00:58,403 --> 00:00:59,517
All the way to...
23
00:00:59,763 --> 00:01:01,295
"This is my new fianc�e.
24
00:01:01,420 --> 00:01:05,170
She's basically Stella, except
she's French and, as you can see,
25
00:01:05,537 --> 00:01:07,237
she's got enormous cans.
26
00:01:07,469 --> 00:01:08,469
Enchant�e.
27
00:01:11,099 --> 00:01:12,049
Enchant�."
28
00:01:16,702 --> 00:01:18,502
I'd say... you nailed it.
29
00:01:19,087 --> 00:01:22,415
I'll do you one better.
You, sir, got Stella thinking.
30
00:01:22,826 --> 00:01:24,926
"Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today.
31
00:01:25,051 --> 00:01:26,419
Did I choose the wrong guy?"
32
00:01:27,182 --> 00:01:29,213
Give it a week. You'll get her back.
33
00:01:29,831 --> 00:01:31,031
And her front.
34
00:01:32,502 --> 00:01:35,094
Did you just feel that?
I think we just had a "what up" quake.
35
00:01:37,119 --> 00:01:38,719
I don't want her back.
36
00:01:38,844 --> 00:01:39,815
Or her front.
37
00:01:39,940 --> 00:01:42,867
I just want to move on. And this was
an important step towards that.
38
00:01:42,992 --> 00:01:44,142
To moving on.
39
00:01:45,141 --> 00:01:47,241
And you know, I really meant it.
40
00:01:47,723 --> 00:01:48,543
But still,
41
00:01:48,668 --> 00:01:49,504
that night,
42
00:01:49,629 --> 00:01:51,329
my mind began to wander.
43
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:57,051
- I made a terrible mistake.
- I know.
44
00:01:57,176 --> 00:02:00,114
- I'm a better person than you are.
- You totally are.
45
00:02:00,239 --> 00:02:02,617
Let's get back together and
have way more sex than before.
46
00:02:02,742 --> 00:02:03,542
Deal!
47
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,244
Synchro: Mickeyte
48
00:02:17,369 --> 00:02:19,687
Traduction: MiniBen314,
Eomyn et Lino72
49
00:02:19,812 --> 00:02:22,537
Relecture: MiniBen314
Transcript: yetts.net
50
00:02:22,662 --> 00:02:25,269
How I Met Your Mother
4x23 - As Fast As She Can
51
00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:28,481
par la "Have You Met Team"
pour www.forom.com
52
00:02:30,353 --> 00:02:32,263
No, come in.
It's not weird at all.
53
00:02:37,211 --> 00:02:39,575
I knew it was wrong
to steal somebody's fianc�.
54
00:02:39,965 --> 00:02:42,602
I mean, I grappled with it.
I was up nights.
55
00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:44,137
And not for the good reason.
56
00:02:44,524 --> 00:02:46,290
Well, sometimes for the good reason.
57
00:02:46,460 --> 00:02:48,731
I mean, Stella and I hadn't seen
each other in 5 years,
58
00:02:48,856 --> 00:02:50,723
so, as you can imagine,
the beginning,
59
00:02:50,848 --> 00:02:53,907
it was just fast and furious.
Lamps breaking,
60
00:02:54,032 --> 00:02:55,925
furniture moving.
You see this bald patch?
61
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,510
Anyway, we moved on.
62
00:02:58,889 --> 00:03:01,647
Me, Lucy, Stella...
we were gonna move to L.A.
63
00:03:01,772 --> 00:03:03,390
I was gonna become a screenwriter.
64
00:03:04,037 --> 00:03:07,087
Then we bumped into you,
and you just looked so...
65
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:08,579
sad.
66
00:03:09,191 --> 00:03:10,356
Sad? No. I...
67
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:13,024
I think what you're
calling sad was actually a
68
00:03:13,368 --> 00:03:16,218
- jovial nonchalance.
- Ted, you looked awful,
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00:03:16,343 --> 00:03:19,374
okay? Like a little dogs and puppy
with a bad back that's got
70
00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:22,243
- to pull itself around on a cart.
- Why are you here?
71
00:03:24,529 --> 00:03:26,205
I know I can come across
pretty tough,
72
00:03:26,461 --> 00:03:28,833
but I can't bear to have hurt
someone the way I hurt you.
73
00:03:29,371 --> 00:03:32,499
I think fate put me
on that corner to make this right.
74
00:03:32,624 --> 00:03:36,799
Obviously, I can't fill that giant
crater that Stella left in your heart.
75
00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:40,052
- I've been dating. Like, a lot.
- And then I heard you got fired.
76
00:03:40,222 --> 00:03:42,743
I transitioned into
small business ownership.
77
00:03:42,868 --> 00:03:44,390
It's the backbone of the economy.
78
00:03:44,632 --> 00:03:45,557
No, it's not.
79
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,420
My family's got a lot of money.
80
00:03:48,545 --> 00:03:51,438
And I want to use that money
to make this right with you.
81
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,882
Tony is rich?
82
00:03:56,109 --> 00:03:58,696
Ted, tell me he wrote you a check.
83
00:03:59,133 --> 00:04:00,948
Tell me he wrote you
84
00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:01,916
a big,
85
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:03,041
fat check.
86
00:04:03,166 --> 00:04:06,412
A check so big it doesn't take
its shirt off when it goes swimming.
87
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:10,632
That is a big, fat check. A check
so big, if you had sex with it,
88
00:04:10,757 --> 00:04:13,836
- you wouldn't tell your buddies.
- That is a big, fat check.
89
00:04:14,005 --> 00:04:17,600
A check so big that when you sit
next to it on an airplane,
90
00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:20,807
you find yourself wondering whether
the check should have bought two seats.
91
00:04:20,932 --> 00:04:22,775
- That...
- Is a big,
92
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,074
fat check!
93
00:04:24,790 --> 00:04:26,098
He didn't write me a check.
94
00:04:26,586 --> 00:04:28,851
- Ted, I want to offer you a job.
- A job?
95
00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:32,371
Every year, my family gives a lot
of money to Columbia University, so
96
00:04:32,496 --> 00:04:33,649
I got some pull.
97
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,691
How would you like to design...
98
00:04:36,156 --> 00:04:38,790
My heart leapt into my throat.
A new library?
99
00:04:38,915 --> 00:04:40,233
A new student center?
100
00:04:40,358 --> 00:04:43,657
Your very own curriculum
as a professor of architecture?
101
00:04:46,176 --> 00:04:46,994
No, thanks.
102
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:48,095
What...
103
00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:49,320
do you mean,
104
00:04:49,864 --> 00:04:51,014
"No, thanks"?
105
00:04:51,670 --> 00:04:54,688
Ted, you would be
a great professor, okay?
106
00:04:54,813 --> 00:04:56,413
You are knowledgeable,
107
00:04:56,538 --> 00:04:57,838
you're a good talker,
108
00:04:58,291 --> 00:05:00,057
and when you need to,
109
00:05:00,678 --> 00:05:02,843
you can grow a very handsome
neck beard.
110
00:05:03,694 --> 00:05:05,494
I'm not gonna be a professor.
111
00:05:05,619 --> 00:05:08,144
Teaching architecture is what
you do when your career
112
00:05:08,269 --> 00:05:10,768
has totally bottomed out
and you need to pay the bills.
113
00:05:12,106 --> 00:05:14,440
Small business owner.
Backbone of the economy.
114
00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:17,487
I'm not gonna take that job, all right?
I'm gonna be just fine.
115
00:05:17,612 --> 00:05:19,738
- New topic.
- Okay, new topic.
116
00:05:19,982 --> 00:05:23,263
I just got a $200
speeding ticket today.
117
00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:26,367
That sucks, dude.
You couldn't talk your way out of it?
118
00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:28,548
You can't talk
your way out of a ticket.
119
00:05:28,673 --> 00:05:31,023
I've done it.
It was... what was it?
120
00:05:31,607 --> 00:05:32,678
It was 1998.
121
00:05:33,478 --> 00:05:36,078
- So where's the fire?
- There's no fire.
122
00:05:39,571 --> 00:05:42,399
Actually... you know, there is a fire
at this barbecue I'm headed to.
123
00:05:42,524 --> 00:05:44,774
Nothing special.
Burgers, ribs....
124
00:05:45,210 --> 00:05:46,010
brats.
125
00:05:46,181 --> 00:05:49,429
Son, do you have any idea
how dangerous it is to be...
126
00:05:51,524 --> 00:05:53,978
- Did you say brats?
- Yeah, brats.
127
00:05:54,677 --> 00:05:57,356
My mom marinates them
in Belgian beer for two days. No big.
128
00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:00,114
Funny thing was,
I could've sworn that one of those
129
00:06:00,239 --> 00:06:01,039
thick,
130
00:06:01,298 --> 00:06:02,298
succulent,
131
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:05,246
hickory-smoked brats had some
writing on it.
132
00:06:05,371 --> 00:06:07,309
Weird. Anyways,
what were you saying?
133
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:08,734
What did it say?
134
00:06:08,976 --> 00:06:09,868
The brat?
135
00:06:10,617 --> 00:06:13,678
It said "Property of Minnesota
State Trooper
136
00:06:14,311 --> 00:06:15,361
Jorgensen."
137
00:06:15,486 --> 00:06:17,370
You a... you a brat man,
138
00:06:18,249 --> 00:06:19,649
Officer Jorgensen?
139
00:06:22,478 --> 00:06:24,174
You going to this address?
140
00:06:24,599 --> 00:06:27,589
Follow me and lean on the horn.
We're gonna be running some reds.
141
00:06:29,545 --> 00:06:30,662
Well, duh.
142
00:06:31,022 --> 00:06:34,158
I would've done that, too,
if I'd have been going to a barbecue.
143
00:06:34,578 --> 00:06:35,678
Damn, I was.
144
00:06:35,939 --> 00:06:37,739
See, it's all about sizing up
your opponent.
145
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:40,222
I could tell that the officer
was a brat man because,
146
00:06:40,347 --> 00:06:43,312
well, he was out of breath
just from walking to my car and
147
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,637
he had mustard
148
00:06:44,762 --> 00:06:45,863
on his holster.
149
00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:47,656
Marshall Eriksen!
150
00:06:47,888 --> 00:06:51,398
Manipulating an officer of the law
with your sausage.
151
00:06:51,653 --> 00:06:52,931
That is very hot.
152
00:06:53,775 --> 00:06:56,248
You think I can't talk my way
out of a ticket?!
153
00:06:56,955 --> 00:06:58,395
You think I can't
154
00:06:58,605 --> 00:07:00,586
talk my way out of a ticket?
155
00:07:01,353 --> 00:07:02,771
I am Barney Stinson,
156
00:07:02,896 --> 00:07:04,564
master of manipulation.
157
00:07:04,689 --> 00:07:07,779
If I can talk a stripper
into paying me for a lap dance,
158
00:07:07,904 --> 00:07:09,841
I think I can talk my way
out of a ticket.
159
00:07:09,966 --> 00:07:12,116
Challenge accep...
wait for it.
160
00:07:15,099 --> 00:07:16,185
I don't get it.
161
00:07:19,002 --> 00:07:19,857
Oh, "Ted."
162
00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:21,082
"Accep-Ted."
163
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:22,900
I get it now.
164
00:07:25,892 --> 00:07:27,753
- What now?
- You want to be an architect?
165
00:07:27,878 --> 00:07:28,678
Great.
166
00:07:28,803 --> 00:07:31,817
Guy I went to private school with
wants a new house built.
167
00:07:31,942 --> 00:07:35,454
- Job's yours if you want it.
- Tony, look, I don't need your help.
168
00:07:35,836 --> 00:07:37,836
Here's what he's offering you.
169
00:07:41,214 --> 00:07:43,346
That is a big, fat check.
170
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:51,730
Showtime.
171
00:07:52,823 --> 00:07:54,098
License and registration.
172
00:07:54,736 --> 00:07:56,675
Of course, Officer. Right away.
173
00:08:02,057 --> 00:08:05,526
Sir, this is a gift certificate
for a custom-tailored Italian suit.
174
00:08:06,076 --> 00:08:07,752
So... we done here?
175
00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:11,051
$375!
176
00:08:11,618 --> 00:08:13,688
And he kept the gift certificates.
177
00:08:13,813 --> 00:08:16,617
I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him
to short-sheet him on the crotch.
178
00:08:16,742 --> 00:08:19,970
- You are bad at this, dude.
- Oh, whatever, Robin.
179
00:08:20,697 --> 00:08:22,751
Like you've ever talked
your way out of a ticket.
180
00:08:22,921 --> 00:08:25,056
Are you kidding me?
Robin's a pretty girl.
181
00:08:25,181 --> 00:08:26,720
Pretty girls don't get tickets.
182
00:08:26,845 --> 00:08:29,812
I bet Robin's been pulled over tons
of times, never once gotten a ticket.
183
00:08:29,937 --> 00:08:31,401
That is outrageous!
184
00:08:32,141 --> 00:08:33,241
And factual.
185
00:08:34,537 --> 00:08:35,893
License and regis...
186
00:08:37,759 --> 00:08:38,791
Oh, honey.
187
00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:41,197
No... don't cry.
188
00:08:41,839 --> 00:08:43,522
It's okay.
No ticket for you.
189
00:08:44,185 --> 00:08:44,985
Just...
190
00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:47,151
go a little slower next time, okay?
191
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,266
Thank you.
192
00:08:57,005 --> 00:09:00,055
Excuse me.
I think I left something in New Jersey.
193
00:09:02,502 --> 00:09:04,601
How did your lunch go
with the rich guy?
194
00:09:04,726 --> 00:09:05,576
Well...
195
00:09:05,782 --> 00:09:07,212
it started off great.
196
00:09:07,695 --> 00:09:09,298
I want to design a house that
197
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,967
celebrates the landscape
without overpowering it.
198
00:09:12,137 --> 00:09:15,554
You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright
designed Fallingwater in 1935...
199
00:09:16,128 --> 00:09:18,787
That's all fine.
I'm sure you'll do a great job.
200
00:09:18,912 --> 00:09:20,987
What I'm really worried about
is the basement.
201
00:09:21,112 --> 00:09:22,853
Specifically the laundry room.
202
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,498
The laundry room?
203
00:09:24,623 --> 00:09:27,803
I require a laundry room
of 15 feet by 15 feet,
204
00:09:28,140 --> 00:09:31,285
stain-proof ceramic tile
from floor to ceiling.
205
00:09:31,885 --> 00:09:35,285
I'm a man who likes to do
his own laundry, and sometimes,
206
00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:36,700
it gets messy.
207
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:38,539
- Messy?
- Messy.
208
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:43,006
Steel chains will dangle from
the ceiling at a height of nine feet.
209
00:09:43,673 --> 00:09:46,603
And that is where my
laundry bags will hang
210
00:09:46,728 --> 00:09:49,630
for three days and three nights
before I...
211
00:09:50,599 --> 00:09:51,649
clean them.
212
00:09:53,272 --> 00:09:56,762
Ted, it kind of sounds like what
this guy is asking you to design...
213
00:09:56,931 --> 00:09:59,681
- It's a murder house.
- It is. It's totally a murder house.
214
00:10:00,255 --> 00:10:03,702
You know, as a martial artist,
I'm trained to trust my instincts,
215
00:10:03,827 --> 00:10:06,077
and my instincts are saying this...
216
00:10:06,821 --> 00:10:08,121
feels very good.
217
00:10:09,485 --> 00:10:11,035
The steak is so rare.
218
00:10:13,385 --> 00:10:14,185
Right?
219
00:10:14,646 --> 00:10:15,446
Right?!
220
00:10:16,064 --> 00:10:17,464
One final concern,
221
00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:19,116
soundproofing.
222
00:10:19,821 --> 00:10:22,771
I tend to make a lot of racket
when I launder.
223
00:10:23,458 --> 00:10:25,256
I'll show you what I mean.
224
00:10:25,381 --> 00:10:27,311
I'm gonna go to my laundry room,
225
00:10:27,545 --> 00:10:29,378
and you tell me if you can hear me.
226
00:10:34,928 --> 00:10:36,635
Does something feel off
about this guy?
227
00:10:38,224 --> 00:10:39,374
Off the hook!
228
00:10:39,876 --> 00:10:41,306
Bro, you are nailing this.
229
00:10:44,729 --> 00:10:48,007
- You can't design a murder house!
- I'm not gonna design a murder house.
230
00:10:48,132 --> 00:10:51,733
- You can't design a murder house!
- I'm not gonna design a murder house!
231
00:10:55,646 --> 00:10:56,596
Bring it.
232
00:10:57,842 --> 00:11:00,159
Officer, please, my wife
is about to have a baby!
233
00:11:00,284 --> 00:11:02,160
- Her water just broke!
- Where's your wife?
234
00:11:03,332 --> 00:11:04,982
She took the other car.
235
00:11:05,168 --> 00:11:07,168
This is Italian leather, so...
236
00:11:08,161 --> 00:11:09,461
I... Oh, come...
237
00:11:11,361 --> 00:11:13,395
I'm sorry about that murder
house thing.
238
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,674
That was my bad.
That's on me.
239
00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:17,216
So, new plan.
240
00:11:17,341 --> 00:11:18,591
You, my friend,
241
00:11:18,980 --> 00:11:21,380
are gonna build
the Statue of Liberty
242
00:11:21,874 --> 00:11:22,764
a husband.
243
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,889
Now, I got some suction down
at City Hall.
244
00:11:25,014 --> 00:11:26,214
Tony, stop it!
245
00:11:26,498 --> 00:11:27,910
I don't want your help, okay?
246
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:29,855
- You don't have to do this.
- Yes, I do.
247
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,523
- Why?
- Because...
248
00:11:33,781 --> 00:11:35,141
when you were with Stella,
249
00:11:35,266 --> 00:11:37,216
I know how much I missed her.
250
00:11:37,518 --> 00:11:39,443
I can only imagine
you feel the same way.
251
00:11:41,879 --> 00:11:43,979
Well, let me put your mind it is
252
00:11:44,594 --> 00:11:46,038
I don't want Stella back,
253
00:11:46,491 --> 00:11:49,054
okay? She lied to me
and left me at the altar.
254
00:11:49,179 --> 00:11:50,542
What kind of person does that?
255
00:11:51,215 --> 00:11:52,725
I'm better off without her.
256
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,738
She's all yours, buddy.
257
00:11:58,696 --> 00:11:59,795
There you go.
258
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,270
Load off my mind.
259
00:12:02,046 --> 00:12:03,207
And that was it.
260
00:12:03,332 --> 00:12:06,564
Tony left, and I began to put
this whole business far behind me.
261
00:12:06,689 --> 00:12:07,989
Or so I thought.
262
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,107
Tony broke up with me.
263
00:12:21,043 --> 00:12:22,366
Tony broke up with you?
264
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,868
He said it was
because of something you said.
265
00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:26,911
You got Tony to dump Stella?
266
00:12:27,369 --> 00:12:31,123
I am very sorry, but I'm going to have
to insist that you bump this.
267
00:12:32,933 --> 00:12:34,586
Let's... talk out in the hall.
268
00:12:36,299 --> 00:12:37,647
It'll be waiting.
269
00:12:41,278 --> 00:12:42,628
Why are you here?
270
00:12:44,355 --> 00:12:45,812
Look, Ted, this is about
271
00:12:45,937 --> 00:12:48,879
seven months too late,
but here goes.
272
00:12:50,554 --> 00:12:52,771
I've been in love with Tony
since high school.
273
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,936
We dated for a long time, but then
274
00:12:56,061 --> 00:12:59,168
I got pregnant, and I guess for two
19-year-olds it was just
275
00:12:59,293 --> 00:13:01,543
too much to handle, so we broke up.
276
00:13:01,878 --> 00:13:02,678
And...
277
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,457
for a long time I just
focused on being a mother.
278
00:13:05,582 --> 00:13:08,032
I forgot about Tony.
I forgot about...
279
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,206
the very idea of being in love.
280
00:13:13,317 --> 00:13:16,217
And then you came along
and reminded me. And...
281
00:13:16,489 --> 00:13:17,671
I loved you for that.
282
00:13:19,627 --> 00:13:22,477
I loved you so much,
in fact, that it was just
283
00:13:23,927 --> 00:13:25,053
shy of enough.
284
00:13:27,672 --> 00:13:29,772
But I never stopped loving Tony.
285
00:13:31,226 --> 00:13:33,766
Take him back, honey.
He's sorry.
286
00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:35,706
No, that's not...
287
00:13:35,855 --> 00:13:38,859
that's not what's happening.
Just go back inside, Mrs. Matsen.
288
00:13:43,221 --> 00:13:45,087
It was good seeing you, Stella.
289
00:13:45,212 --> 00:13:46,659
Can you talk to Tony?
290
00:13:49,477 --> 00:13:50,287
What?
291
00:13:50,456 --> 00:13:51,906
He'd listen to you.
292
00:13:52,031 --> 00:13:54,099
You changed his mind.
You could change it back.
293
00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:58,044
- I know it's an awful thing to ask...
- Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask.
294
00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:00,193
Well, I don't know
what else to do, okay?
295
00:14:00,318 --> 00:14:01,368
I love him.
296
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:05,886
Oh, you love him. So what, you're...
appealing to the romantic in me?
297
00:14:06,592 --> 00:14:08,192
Is that your strategy?
298
00:14:08,420 --> 00:14:09,973
Because that guy's gone.
299
00:14:10,405 --> 00:14:12,116
You can't pull those
strings anymore.
300
00:14:12,241 --> 00:14:15,141
They're not attached to anything
thanks to you.
301
00:14:15,565 --> 00:14:17,355
Go ahead, honey, kiss him!
302
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,113
- Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!
- Mrs. Matsen, go inside!
303
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,629
Okay, you can do this.
You can do this!
304
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:27,965
You can do this.
305
00:14:29,162 --> 00:14:31,244
- License and regis...
- License and registration.
306
00:14:31,489 --> 00:14:32,637
Excuse me?
307
00:14:32,981 --> 00:14:36,521
I can only assume you need a license
to have a face that beautiful.
308
00:14:36,646 --> 00:14:37,846
And that body?
309
00:14:38,296 --> 00:14:40,369
I'm guessing something
that explosive has
310
00:14:40,494 --> 00:14:42,811
to be registered
with the proper authorities.
311
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,091
Get out of the car.
312
00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:47,218
Why, am I under arrest?
313
00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:48,562
No...
314
00:14:52,553 --> 00:14:54,601
but you're about to be under me.
315
00:14:58,194 --> 00:15:00,482
No. False.
Did not happen.
316
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:03,374
That's a line from a porno.
I've seen that porno.
317
00:15:03,499 --> 00:15:05,671
Hell, I've made that porno.
318
00:15:06,091 --> 00:15:09,024
When will you guys realize that the
only difference between my real life
319
00:15:09,149 --> 00:15:11,117
and a porno is my real life
has better lighting?
320
00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:13,989
- You're lying.
- I am not lying!
321
00:15:14,364 --> 00:15:16,251
I swear on my mother.
322
00:15:16,584 --> 00:15:18,732
I swear on Goliath National Bank.
323
00:15:18,857 --> 00:15:20,594
I swear on my suits.
324
00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:21,519
I...
325
00:15:21,644 --> 00:15:22,444
am...
326
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:23,570
not...
327
00:15:23,695 --> 00:15:24,555
lying.
328
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:26,842
He was lying.
Here's what really happened.
329
00:15:27,461 --> 00:15:29,219
Go ahead, honey, kiss him.
330
00:15:29,388 --> 00:15:31,929
- Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!
- Mrs. Matsen, go inside!
331
00:15:35,066 --> 00:15:37,602
Is there anything I can do
to make this better?
332
00:15:40,433 --> 00:15:42,633
"Let's go to the mall, everybody!"
333
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:47,027
Ted, it's me! It's Barney It's me!
I need your help! I'm in big trouble!
334
00:15:47,548 --> 00:15:48,864
Slow down. What happened?
335
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,683
I'm guessing something
that explosive
336
00:15:51,808 --> 00:15:55,078
has to be registered
with the proper authorities.
337
00:15:55,248 --> 00:15:56,329
Get out of the car.
338
00:15:56,674 --> 00:15:58,355
Why, am I under arrest?
339
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,279
Yes, you are.
I ran your plates.
340
00:16:00,404 --> 00:16:03,159
You've had 15 moving violations
in the last three days.
341
00:16:03,284 --> 00:16:04,420
Get out of the car.
342
00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:06,961
But no, my wife's having a baby!
343
00:16:07,086 --> 00:16:08,801
I have a sausage
with your name on it!
344
00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:10,385
Out of the car now!
345
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,431
I need you to come to Brazzaville,
New Jersey and bail me out.
346
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,435
I'm kind of in the middle
of something.
347
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,227
Hurry, Ted. You have no idea of
the kind of the hardened criminals
348
00:16:19,397 --> 00:16:20,800
they've got me in here with.
349
00:16:20,925 --> 00:16:23,023
Are we gonna get
our spray paint back?
350
00:16:24,114 --> 00:16:25,264
Save me, Ted!
351
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:30,280
You want to do something for me?
I need a ride to New Jersey.
352
00:16:32,270 --> 00:16:33,823
You'll pay for tolls, right?
353
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:35,730
I'm kidding.
354
00:16:37,572 --> 00:16:40,165
So Stella and I drove all the way
out to New Jersey,
355
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:42,009
bailed your Uncle Barney out of jail
356
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:43,481
and drove all the way home.
357
00:16:43,606 --> 00:16:45,863
By the way, Ted, how's that girl
you've been seeing?
358
00:16:45,988 --> 00:16:49,155
That super hot French chick
with the big enormous boobs?
359
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:50,834
Oh, you mean Claudette?
360
00:16:50,959 --> 00:16:52,436
She's... she's fine.
361
00:16:52,561 --> 00:16:55,961
Man, she's the hottest girl
you have ever been with, Ted.
362
00:16:56,256 --> 00:16:57,056
Ever!
363
00:16:57,709 --> 00:16:58,809
Bye, Stella.
364
00:17:05,165 --> 00:17:07,025
I'm so sorry again about everything.
365
00:17:08,552 --> 00:17:10,403
- For what it's worth...
- I'll talk to Tony.
366
00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:12,238
Really?
367
00:17:12,863 --> 00:17:14,913
I want you to be happy, Stella.
368
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:16,950
I'll talk to him.
369
00:17:17,310 --> 00:17:18,310
And I did.
370
00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:20,708
I don't remember what I said to him,
but
371
00:17:20,833 --> 00:17:23,783
I guess I changed his mind
because the next day,
372
00:17:25,231 --> 00:17:26,628
they flew to California.
373
00:17:27,175 --> 00:17:29,775
Stella set up a new
dermatology practice.
374
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:33,638
And against all odds, Tony found
some success as a screenwriter.
375
00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:36,692
His movie, The Wedding Bride,
was a big hit.
376
00:17:37,009 --> 00:17:38,365
But we'll get to that later.
377
00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:40,240
Okay, but just tell me this.
378
00:17:40,365 --> 00:17:41,315
Why Tony?
379
00:17:42,010 --> 00:17:43,498
I mean, is it the money,
380
00:17:43,623 --> 00:17:46,473
the kung fu pajamas?
Like, what... what is it?
381
00:17:47,931 --> 00:17:49,081
He's the one.
382
00:17:51,746 --> 00:17:52,646
The one.
383
00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,973
Yeah, I know it's kinda sappy,
but... yeah.
384
00:18:00,839 --> 00:18:03,970
Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud
that I've been doing a pretty good job
385
00:18:04,095 --> 00:18:05,834
of not saying out loud lately.
386
00:18:07,929 --> 00:18:09,679
What you and Tony have...
387
00:18:10,519 --> 00:18:12,757
what I thought for a second
you and I had...
388
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,743
what I know
that Marshall and Lily have...
389
00:18:19,081 --> 00:18:20,181
I want that.
390
00:18:21,331 --> 00:18:22,131
I do.
391
00:18:23,555 --> 00:18:27,505
I keep waiting for it to happen
and waiting for it to happen, and...
392
00:18:29,086 --> 00:18:30,536
I guess I'm just...
393
00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:33,445
I'm tired of waiting.
394
00:18:36,108 --> 00:18:39,108
And that is all I'm going to say
on that subject.
395
00:18:45,205 --> 00:18:47,408
I once talked my way out
of a speeding ticket?
396
00:18:47,533 --> 00:18:48,476
Really?
397
00:18:48,765 --> 00:18:51,020
I was heading upstate
to my parents' house doing, like,
398
00:18:51,145 --> 00:18:53,745
90 on this country road,
and I got pulled over.
399
00:18:53,870 --> 00:18:54,949
So this cop
400
00:18:55,074 --> 00:18:56,500
gets out of his car.
He kind of
401
00:18:56,625 --> 00:18:58,187
swaggers on over and he's, like,
402
00:18:58,312 --> 00:19:00,680
"Young lady, I have been
waiting for you all day."
403
00:19:02,417 --> 00:19:04,056
So I looked up at him and I said,
404
00:19:04,181 --> 00:19:06,978
"I'm so sorry, Officer.
I got here as fast as I could."
405
00:19:08,363 --> 00:19:09,367
For real?
406
00:19:11,170 --> 00:19:12,520
It's an old joke.
407
00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:18,400
I know that...
you're tired of waiting,
408
00:19:19,110 --> 00:19:22,110
and you may have to wait
a little while more, but
409
00:19:23,416 --> 00:19:24,704
she's on her way, Ted.
410
00:19:26,858 --> 00:19:28,434
And she's getting here
411
00:19:28,559 --> 00:19:30,009
as fast as she can.
412
00:19:40,015 --> 00:19:41,054
Bye, Stella.
413
00:19:42,291 --> 00:19:43,491
Good-bye, Ted.
414
00:20:13,943 --> 00:20:16,883
She tracked me down two days later
using a phone book.
415
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:20,050
And that's the last time I wrote
my name in my undergarments.
416
00:20:24,718 --> 00:20:25,890
You're back!
417
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:29,871
Barney, when you told me
that peanut butter and jam joke,
418
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,980
I was completely disgusted.
419
00:20:32,491 --> 00:20:36,065
But I was in the shower this morning
and it popped into my head and
420
00:20:36,190 --> 00:20:37,990
it actually made me laugh.
421
00:20:38,229 --> 00:20:39,404
Peanut butter.
422
00:20:40,164 --> 00:20:43,081
So I can see now
how I may have overreacted.
423
00:20:43,206 --> 00:20:44,575
Marshall's words, not mine.
424
00:20:45,471 --> 00:20:47,662
Well, it's good
to see you again, Lily.
425
00:20:47,832 --> 00:20:48,680
Thanks.
426
00:20:49,010 --> 00:20:50,553
So what have you been up to?
427
00:20:50,678 --> 00:20:53,527
I'm going to an amnesia ward
with a bunch of photos of my children
428
00:20:53,652 --> 00:20:56,054
and a wedding ring.
I'm gonna find the hottest
429
00:20:56,179 --> 00:20:58,131
patient/my wife, and we are going...
430
00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:00,626
Okay, so that's good enough
for tonight.
431
00:21:00,751 --> 00:21:03,442
I gotta ease back into this.
See you tomorrow.
32129
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