1 00:00:00,783 --> 00:00:01,583 Kids, 2 00:00:01,708 --> 00:00:05,507 Stella Zenman was a girl I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. 3 00:00:05,632 --> 00:00:09,094 Until she left me at the altar, smashing my heart to smithereens. 4 00:00:09,219 --> 00:00:11,473 So when I ran into her seven months later, 5 00:00:11,598 --> 00:00:13,596 there was only one way to deal with her. 6 00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:17,920 - Great to see you! - You, too. 7 00:00:18,635 --> 00:00:19,435 And Tony! 8 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:22,939 What a nice surprise. 9 00:00:23,107 --> 00:00:26,144 "What a nice surprise"? No, a nice surprise would be 10 00:00:26,379 --> 00:00:29,579 if a safe fell from 40 stories and smushed them both. 11 00:00:29,704 --> 00:00:31,337 I mean, you didn't let them have it? 12 00:00:31,462 --> 00:00:34,617 No, we had a nice friendly chat, then they went their way and I went mine. 13 00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:36,911 Ted, you blew it. He blew it, right? 14 00:00:39,435 --> 00:00:41,082 - Well played, sir. - Bravo. 15 00:00:41,268 --> 00:00:42,750 - What?! - You see, Robin, 16 00:00:42,875 --> 00:00:46,134 Ted played it cool, which is exactly what he should have done. 17 00:00:46,259 --> 00:00:48,881 As a matter of fact, I'd say on a scale ranging from... 18 00:00:49,051 --> 00:00:50,800 "And I kept this sweater of yours... 19 00:00:51,928 --> 00:00:54,192 and sometimes I just sit in the bathtub 20 00:00:54,317 --> 00:00:56,067 for hours just, you know, 21 00:00:56,544 --> 00:00:57,894 just sniffing it." 22 00:00:58,403 --> 00:00:59,517 All the way to... 23 00:00:59,763 --> 00:01:01,295 "This is my new fianc�e. 24 00:01:01,420 --> 00:01:05,170 She's basically Stella, except she's French and, as you can see, 25 00:01:05,537 --> 00:01:07,237 she's got enormous cans. 26 00:01:07,469 --> 00:01:08,469 Enchant�e. 27 00:01:11,099 --> 00:01:12,049 Enchant�." 28 00:01:16,702 --> 00:01:18,502 I'd say... you nailed it. 29 00:01:19,087 --> 00:01:22,415 I'll do you one better. You, sir, got Stella thinking. 30 00:01:22,826 --> 00:01:24,926 "Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today. 31 00:01:25,051 --> 00:01:26,419 Did I choose the wrong guy?" 32 00:01:27,182 --> 00:01:29,213 Give it a week. You'll get her back. 33 00:01:29,831 --> 00:01:31,031 And her front. 34 00:01:32,502 --> 00:01:35,094 Did you just feel that? I think we just had a "what up" quake. 35 00:01:37,119 --> 00:01:38,719 I don't want her back. 36 00:01:38,844 --> 00:01:39,815 Or her front. 37 00:01:39,940 --> 00:01:42,867 I just want to move on. And this was an important step towards that. 38 00:01:42,992 --> 00:01:44,142 To moving on. 39 00:01:45,141 --> 00:01:47,241 And you know, I really meant it. 40 00:01:47,723 --> 00:01:48,543 But still, 41 00:01:48,668 --> 00:01:49,504 that night, 42 00:01:49,629 --> 00:01:51,329 my mind began to wander. 43 00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:57,051 - I made a terrible mistake. - I know. 44 00:01:57,176 --> 00:02:00,114 - I'm a better person than you are. - You totally are. 45 00:02:00,239 --> 00:02:02,617 Let's get back together and have way more sex than before. 46 00:02:02,742 --> 00:02:03,542 Deal! 47 00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,244 Synchro: Mickeyte 48 00:02:17,369 --> 00:02:19,687 Traduction: MiniBen314, Eomyn et Lino72 49 00:02:19,812 --> 00:02:22,537 Relecture: MiniBen314 Transcript: yetts.net 50 00:02:22,662 --> 00:02:25,269 How I Met Your Mother 4x23 - As Fast As She Can 51 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:28,481 par la "Have You Met Team" pour www.forom.com 52 00:02:30,353 --> 00:02:32,263 No, come in. It's not weird at all. 53 00:02:37,211 --> 00:02:39,575 I knew it was wrong to steal somebody's fianc�. 54 00:02:39,965 --> 00:02:42,602 I mean, I grappled with it. I was up nights. 55 00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:44,137 And not for the good reason. 56 00:02:44,524 --> 00:02:46,290 Well, sometimes for the good reason. 57 00:02:46,460 --> 00:02:48,731 I mean, Stella and I hadn't seen each other in 5 years, 58 00:02:48,856 --> 00:02:50,723 so, as you can imagine, the beginning, 59 00:02:50,848 --> 00:02:53,907 it was just fast and furious. Lamps breaking, 60 00:02:54,032 --> 00:02:55,925 furniture moving. You see this bald patch? 61 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,510 Anyway, we moved on. 62 00:02:58,889 --> 00:03:01,647 Me, Lucy, Stella... we were gonna move to L.A. 63 00:03:01,772 --> 00:03:03,390 I was gonna become a screenwriter. 64 00:03:04,037 --> 00:03:07,087 Then we bumped into you, and you just looked so... 65 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:08,579 sad. 66 00:03:09,191 --> 00:03:10,356 Sad? No. I... 67 00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:13,024 I think what you're calling sad was actually a 68 00:03:13,368 --> 00:03:16,218 - jovial nonchalance. - Ted, you looked awful, 69 00:03:16,343 --> 00:03:19,374 okay? Like a little dogs and puppy with a bad back that's got 70 00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:22,243 - to pull itself around on a cart. - Why are you here? 71 00:03:24,529 --> 00:03:26,205 I know I can come across pretty tough, 72 00:03:26,461 --> 00:03:28,833 but I can't bear to have hurt someone the way I hurt you. 73 00:03:29,371 --> 00:03:32,499 I think fate put me on that corner to make this right. 74 00:03:32,624 --> 00:03:36,799 Obviously, I can't fill that giant crater that Stella left in your heart. 75 00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:40,052 - I've been dating. Like, a lot. - And then I heard you got fired. 76 00:03:40,222 --> 00:03:42,743 I transitioned into small business ownership. 77 00:03:42,868 --> 00:03:44,390 It's the backbone of the economy. 78 00:03:44,632 --> 00:03:45,557 No, it's not. 79 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,420 My family's got a lot of money. 80 00:03:48,545 --> 00:03:51,438 And I want to use that money to make this right with you. 81 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,882 Tony is rich? 82 00:03:56,109 --> 00:03:58,696 Ted, tell me he wrote you a check. 83 00:03:59,133 --> 00:04:00,948 Tell me he wrote you 84 00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:01,916 a big, 85 00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:03,041 fat check. 86 00:04:03,166 --> 00:04:06,412 A check so big it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming. 87 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:10,632 That is a big, fat check. A check so big, if you had sex with it, 88 00:04:10,757 --> 00:04:13,836 - you wouldn't tell your buddies. - That is a big, fat check. 89 00:04:14,005 --> 00:04:17,600 A check so big that when you sit next to it on an airplane, 90 00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:20,807 you find yourself wondering whether the check should have bought two seats. 91 00:04:20,932 --> 00:04:22,775 - That... - Is a big, 92 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,074 fat check! 93 00:04:24,790 --> 00:04:26,098 He didn't write me a check. 94 00:04:26,586 --> 00:04:28,851 - Ted, I want to offer you a job. - A job? 95 00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:32,371 Every year, my family gives a lot of money to Columbia University, so 96 00:04:32,496 --> 00:04:33,649 I got some pull. 97 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,691 How would you like to design... 98 00:04:36,156 --> 00:04:38,790 My heart leapt into my throat. A new library? 99 00:04:38,915 --> 00:04:40,233 A new student center? 100 00:04:40,358 --> 00:04:43,657 Your very own curriculum as a professor of architecture? 101 00:04:46,176 --> 00:04:46,994 No, thanks. 102 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:48,095 What... 103 00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:49,320 do you mean, 104 00:04:49,864 --> 00:04:51,014 "No, thanks"? 105 00:04:51,670 --> 00:04:54,688 Ted, you would be a great professor, okay? 106 00:04:54,813 --> 00:04:56,413 You are knowledgeable, 107 00:04:56,538 --> 00:04:57,838 you're a good talker, 108 00:04:58,291 --> 00:05:00,057 and when you need to, 109 00:05:00,678 --> 00:05:02,843 you can grow a very handsome neck beard. 110 00:05:03,694 --> 00:05:05,494 I'm not gonna be a professor. 111 00:05:05,619 --> 00:05:08,144 Teaching architecture is what you do when your career 112 00:05:08,269 --> 00:05:10,768 has totally bottomed out and you need to pay the bills. 113 00:05:12,106 --> 00:05:14,440 Small business owner. Backbone of the economy. 114 00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:17,487 I'm not gonna take that job, all right? I'm gonna be just fine. 115 00:05:17,612 --> 00:05:19,738 - New topic. - Okay, new topic. 116 00:05:19,982 --> 00:05:23,263 I just got a $200 speeding ticket today. 117 00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:26,367 That sucks, dude. You couldn't talk your way out of it? 118 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:28,548 You can't talk your way out of a ticket. 119 00:05:28,673 --> 00:05:31,023 I've done it. It was... what was it? 120 00:05:31,607 --> 00:05:32,678 It was 1998. 121 00:05:33,478 --> 00:05:36,078 - So where's the fire? - There's no fire. 122 00:05:39,571 --> 00:05:42,399 Actually... you know, there is a fire at this barbecue I'm headed to. 123 00:05:42,524 --> 00:05:44,774 Nothing special. Burgers, ribs.... 124 00:05:45,210 --> 00:05:46,010 brats. 125 00:05:46,181 --> 00:05:49,429 Son, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to be... 126 00:05:51,524 --> 00:05:53,978 - Did you say brats? - Yeah, brats. 127 00:05:54,677 --> 00:05:57,356 My mom marinates them in Belgian beer for two days. No big. 128 00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:00,114 Funny thing was, I could've sworn that one of those 129 00:06:00,239 --> 00:06:01,039 thick, 130 00:06:01,298 --> 00:06:02,298 succulent, 131 00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:05,246 hickory-smoked brats had some writing on it. 132 00:06:05,371 --> 00:06:07,309 Weird. Anyways, what were you saying? 133 00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:08,734 What did it say? 134 00:06:08,976 --> 00:06:09,868 The brat? 135 00:06:10,617 --> 00:06:13,678 It said "Property of Minnesota State Trooper 136 00:06:14,311 --> 00:06:15,361 Jorgensen." 137 00:06:15,486 --> 00:06:17,370 You a... you a brat man, 138 00:06:18,249 --> 00:06:19,649 Officer Jorgensen? 139 00:06:22,478 --> 00:06:24,174 You going to this address? 140 00:06:24,599 --> 00:06:27,589 Follow me and lean on the horn. We're gonna be running some reds. 141 00:06:29,545 --> 00:06:30,662 Well, duh. 142 00:06:31,022 --> 00:06:34,158 I would've done that, too, if I'd have been going to a barbecue. 143 00:06:34,578 --> 00:06:35,678 Damn, I was. 144 00:06:35,939 --> 00:06:37,739 See, it's all about sizing up your opponent. 145 00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:40,222 I could tell that the officer was a brat man because, 146 00:06:40,347 --> 00:06:43,312 well, he was out of breath just from walking to my car and 147 00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,637 he had mustard 148 00:06:44,762 --> 00:06:45,863 on his holster. 149 00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:47,656 Marshall Eriksen! 150 00:06:47,888 --> 00:06:51,398 Manipulating an officer of the law with your sausage. 151 00:06:51,653 --> 00:06:52,931 That is very hot. 152 00:06:53,775 --> 00:06:56,248 You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket?! 153 00:06:56,955 --> 00:06:58,395 You think I can't 154 00:06:58,605 --> 00:07:00,586 talk my way out of a ticket? 155 00:07:01,353 --> 00:07:02,771 I am Barney Stinson, 156 00:07:02,896 --> 00:07:04,564 master of manipulation. 157 00:07:04,689 --> 00:07:07,779 If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance, 158 00:07:07,904 --> 00:07:09,841 I think I can talk my way out of a ticket. 159 00:07:09,966 --> 00:07:12,116 Challenge accep... wait for it. 160 00:07:15,099 --> 00:07:16,185 I don't get it. 161 00:07:19,002 --> 00:07:19,857 Oh, "Ted." 162 00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:21,082 "Accep-Ted." 163 00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:22,900 I get it now. 164 00:07:25,892 --> 00:07:27,753 - What now? - You want to be an architect? 165 00:07:27,878 --> 00:07:28,678 Great. 166 00:07:28,803 --> 00:07:31,817 Guy I went to private school with wants a new house built. 167 00:07:31,942 --> 00:07:35,454 - Job's yours if you want it. - Tony, look, I don't need your help. 168 00:07:35,836 --> 00:07:37,836 Here's what he's offering you. 169 00:07:41,214 --> 00:07:43,346 That is a big, fat check. 170 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:51,730 Showtime. 171 00:07:52,823 --> 00:07:54,098 License and registration. 172 00:07:54,736 --> 00:07:56,675 Of course, Officer. Right away. 173 00:08:02,057 --> 00:08:05,526 Sir, this is a gift certificate for a custom-tailored Italian suit. 174 00:08:06,076 --> 00:08:07,752 So... we done here? 175 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:11,051 $375! 176 00:08:11,618 --> 00:08:13,688 And he kept the gift certificates. 177 00:08:13,813 --> 00:08:16,617 I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him to short-sheet him on the crotch. 178 00:08:16,742 --> 00:08:19,970 - You are bad at this, dude. - Oh, whatever, Robin. 179 00:08:20,697 --> 00:08:22,751 Like you've ever talked your way out of a ticket. 180 00:08:22,921 --> 00:08:25,056 Are you kidding me? Robin's a pretty girl. 181 00:08:25,181 --> 00:08:26,720 Pretty girls don't get tickets. 182 00:08:26,845 --> 00:08:29,812 I bet Robin's been pulled over tons of times, never once gotten a ticket. 183 00:08:29,937 --> 00:08:31,401 That is outrageous! 184 00:08:32,141 --> 00:08:33,241 And factual. 185 00:08:34,537 --> 00:08:35,893 License and regis... 186 00:08:37,759 --> 00:08:38,791 Oh, honey. 187 00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:41,197 No... don't cry. 188 00:08:41,839 --> 00:08:43,522 It's okay. No ticket for you. 189 00:08:44,185 --> 00:08:44,985 Just... 190 00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:47,151 go a little slower next time, okay? 191 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,266 Thank you. 192 00:08:57,005 --> 00:09:00,055 Excuse me. I think I left something in New Jersey. 193 00:09:02,502 --> 00:09:04,601 How did your lunch go with the rich guy? 194 00:09:04,726 --> 00:09:05,576 Well... 195 00:09:05,782 --> 00:09:07,212 it started off great. 196 00:09:07,695 --> 00:09:09,298 I want to design a house that 197 00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,967 celebrates the landscape without overpowering it. 198 00:09:12,137 --> 00:09:15,554 You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright designed Fallingwater in 1935... 199 00:09:16,128 --> 00:09:18,787 That's all fine. I'm sure you'll do a great job. 200 00:09:18,912 --> 00:09:20,987 What I'm really worried about is the basement. 201 00:09:21,112 --> 00:09:22,853 Specifically the laundry room. 202 00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,498 The laundry room? 203 00:09:24,623 --> 00:09:27,803 I require a laundry room of 15 feet by 15 feet, 204 00:09:28,140 --> 00:09:31,285 stain-proof ceramic tile from floor to ceiling. 205 00:09:31,885 --> 00:09:35,285 I'm a man who likes to do his own laundry, and sometimes, 206 00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:36,700 it gets messy. 207 00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:38,539 - Messy? - Messy. 208 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:43,006 Steel chains will dangle from the ceiling at a height of nine feet. 209 00:09:43,673 --> 00:09:46,603 And that is where my laundry bags will hang 210 00:09:46,728 --> 00:09:49,630 for three days and three nights before I... 211 00:09:50,599 --> 00:09:51,649 clean them. 212 00:09:53,272 --> 00:09:56,762 Ted, it kind of sounds like what this guy is asking you to design... 213 00:09:56,931 --> 00:09:59,681 - It's a murder house. - It is. It's totally a murder house. 214 00:10:00,255 --> 00:10:03,702 You know, as a martial artist, I'm trained to trust my instincts, 215 00:10:03,827 --> 00:10:06,077 and my instincts are saying this... 216 00:10:06,821 --> 00:10:08,121 feels very good. 217 00:10:09,485 --> 00:10:11,035 The steak is so rare. 218 00:10:13,385 --> 00:10:14,185 Right? 219 00:10:14,646 --> 00:10:15,446 Right?! 220 00:10:16,064 --> 00:10:17,464 One final concern, 221 00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:19,116 soundproofing. 222 00:10:19,821 --> 00:10:22,771 I tend to make a lot of racket when I launder. 223 00:10:23,458 --> 00:10:25,256 I'll show you what I mean. 224 00:10:25,381 --> 00:10:27,311 I'm gonna go to my laundry room, 225 00:10:27,545 --> 00:10:29,378 and you tell me if you can hear me. 226 00:10:34,928 --> 00:10:36,635 Does something feel off about this guy? 227 00:10:38,224 --> 00:10:39,374 Off the hook! 228 00:10:39,876 --> 00:10:41,306 Bro, you are nailing this. 229 00:10:44,729 --> 00:10:48,007 - You can't design a murder house! - I'm not gonna design a murder house. 230 00:10:48,132 --> 00:10:51,733 - You can't design a murder house! - I'm not gonna design a murder house! 231 00:10:55,646 --> 00:10:56,596 Bring it. 232 00:10:57,842 --> 00:11:00,159 Officer, please, my wife is about to have a baby! 233 00:11:00,284 --> 00:11:02,160 - Her water just broke! - Where's your wife? 234 00:11:03,332 --> 00:11:04,982 She took the other car. 235 00:11:05,168 --> 00:11:07,168 This is Italian leather, so... 236 00:11:08,161 --> 00:11:09,461 I... Oh, come... 237 00:11:11,361 --> 00:11:13,395 I'm sorry about that murder house thing. 238 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,674 That was my bad. That's on me. 239 00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:17,216 So, new plan. 240 00:11:17,341 --> 00:11:18,591 You, my friend, 241 00:11:18,980 --> 00:11:21,380 are gonna build the Statue of Liberty 242 00:11:21,874 --> 00:11:22,764 a husband. 243 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,889 Now, I got some suction down at City Hall. 244 00:11:25,014 --> 00:11:26,214 Tony, stop it! 245 00:11:26,498 --> 00:11:27,910 I don't want your help, okay? 246 00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:29,855 - You don't have to do this. - Yes, I do. 247 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,523 - Why? - Because... 248 00:11:33,781 --> 00:11:35,141 when you were with Stella, 249 00:11:35,266 --> 00:11:37,216 I know how much I missed her. 250 00:11:37,518 --> 00:11:39,443 I can only imagine you feel the same way. 251 00:11:41,879 --> 00:11:43,979 Well, let me put your mind it is 252 00:11:44,594 --> 00:11:46,038 I don't want Stella back, 253 00:11:46,491 --> 00:11:49,054 okay? She lied to me and left me at the altar. 254 00:11:49,179 --> 00:11:50,542 What kind of person does that? 255 00:11:51,215 --> 00:11:52,725 I'm better off without her. 256 00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,738 She's all yours, buddy. 257 00:11:58,696 --> 00:11:59,795 There you go. 258 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,270 Load off my mind. 259 00:12:02,046 --> 00:12:03,207 And that was it. 260 00:12:03,332 --> 00:12:06,564 Tony left, and I began to put this whole business far behind me. 261 00:12:06,689 --> 00:12:07,989 Or so I thought. 262 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,107 Tony broke up with me. 263 00:12:21,043 --> 00:12:22,366 Tony broke up with you? 264 00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,868 He said it was because of something you said. 265 00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:26,911 You got Tony to dump Stella? 266 00:12:27,369 --> 00:12:31,123 I am very sorry, but I'm going to have to insist that you bump this. 267 00:12:32,933 --> 00:12:34,586 Let's... talk out in the hall. 268 00:12:36,299 --> 00:12:37,647 It'll be waiting. 269 00:12:41,278 --> 00:12:42,628 Why are you here? 270 00:12:44,355 --> 00:12:45,812 Look, Ted, this is about 271 00:12:45,937 --> 00:12:48,879 seven months too late, but here goes. 272 00:12:50,554 --> 00:12:52,771 I've been in love with Tony since high school. 273 00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,936 We dated for a long time, but then 274 00:12:56,061 --> 00:12:59,168 I got pregnant, and I guess for two 19-year-olds it was just 275 00:12:59,293 --> 00:13:01,543 too much to handle, so we broke up. 276 00:13:01,878 --> 00:13:02,678 And... 277 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,457 for a long time I just focused on being a mother. 278 00:13:05,582 --> 00:13:08,032 I forgot about Tony. I forgot about... 279 00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,206 the very idea of being in love. 280 00:13:13,317 --> 00:13:16,217 And then you came along and reminded me. And... 281 00:13:16,489 --> 00:13:17,671 I loved you for that. 282 00:13:19,627 --> 00:13:22,477 I loved you so much, in fact, that it was just 283 00:13:23,927 --> 00:13:25,053 shy of enough. 284 00:13:27,672 --> 00:13:29,772 But I never stopped loving Tony. 285 00:13:31,226 --> 00:13:33,766 Take him back, honey. He's sorry. 286 00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:35,706 No, that's not... 287 00:13:35,855 --> 00:13:38,859 that's not what's happening. Just go back inside, Mrs. Matsen. 288 00:13:43,221 --> 00:13:45,087 It was good seeing you, Stella. 289 00:13:45,212 --> 00:13:46,659 Can you talk to Tony? 290 00:13:49,477 --> 00:13:50,287 What? 291 00:13:50,456 --> 00:13:51,906 He'd listen to you. 292 00:13:52,031 --> 00:13:54,099 You changed his mind. You could change it back. 293 00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:58,044 - I know it's an awful thing to ask... - Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask. 294 00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:00,193 Well, I don't know what else to do, okay? 295 00:14:00,318 --> 00:14:01,368 I love him. 296 00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:05,886 Oh, you love him. So what, you're... appealing to the romantic in me? 297 00:14:06,592 --> 00:14:08,192 Is that your strategy? 298 00:14:08,420 --> 00:14:09,973 Because that guy's gone. 299 00:14:10,405 --> 00:14:12,116 You can't pull those strings anymore. 300 00:14:12,241 --> 00:14:15,141 They're not attached to anything thanks to you. 301 00:14:15,565 --> 00:14:17,355 Go ahead, honey, kiss him! 302 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,113 - Go inside, Mrs. Matsen! - Mrs. Matsen, go inside! 303 00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,629 Okay, you can do this. You can do this! 304 00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:27,965 You can do this. 305 00:14:29,162 --> 00:14:31,244 - License and regis... - License and registration. 306 00:14:31,489 --> 00:14:32,637 Excuse me? 307 00:14:32,981 --> 00:14:36,521 I can only assume you need a license to have a face that beautiful. 308 00:14:36,646 --> 00:14:37,846 And that body? 309 00:14:38,296 --> 00:14:40,369 I'm guessing something that explosive has 310 00:14:40,494 --> 00:14:42,811 to be registered with the proper authorities. 311 00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,091 Get out of the car. 312 00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:47,218 Why, am I under arrest? 313 00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:48,562 No... 314 00:14:52,553 --> 00:14:54,601 but you're about to be under me. 315 00:14:58,194 --> 00:15:00,482 No. False. Did not happen. 316 00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:03,374 That's a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. 317 00:15:03,499 --> 00:15:05,671 Hell, I've made that porno. 318 00:15:06,091 --> 00:15:09,024 When will you guys realize that the only difference between my real life 319 00:15:09,149 --> 00:15:11,117 and a porno is my real life has better lighting? 320 00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:13,989 - You're lying. - I am not lying! 321 00:15:14,364 --> 00:15:16,251 I swear on my mother. 322 00:15:16,584 --> 00:15:18,732 I swear on Goliath National Bank. 323 00:15:18,857 --> 00:15:20,594 I swear on my suits. 324 00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:21,519 I... 325 00:15:21,644 --> 00:15:22,444 am... 326 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:23,570 not... 327 00:15:23,695 --> 00:15:24,555 lying. 328 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:26,842 He was lying. Here's what really happened. 329 00:15:27,461 --> 00:15:29,219 Go ahead, honey, kiss him. 330 00:15:29,388 --> 00:15:31,929 - Go inside, Mrs. Matsen! - Mrs. Matsen, go inside! 331 00:15:35,066 --> 00:15:37,602 Is there anything I can do to make this better? 332 00:15:40,433 --> 00:15:42,633 "Let's go to the mall, everybody!" 333 00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:47,027 Ted, it's me! It's Barney It's me! I need your help! I'm in big trouble! 334 00:15:47,548 --> 00:15:48,864 Slow down. What happened? 335 00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,683 I'm guessing something that explosive 336 00:15:51,808 --> 00:15:55,078 has to be registered with the proper authorities. 337 00:15:55,248 --> 00:15:56,329 Get out of the car. 338 00:15:56,674 --> 00:15:58,355 Why, am I under arrest? 339 00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,279 Yes, you are. I ran your plates. 340 00:16:00,404 --> 00:16:03,159 You've had 15 moving violations in the last three days. 341 00:16:03,284 --> 00:16:04,420 Get out of the car. 342 00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:06,961 But no, my wife's having a baby! 343 00:16:07,086 --> 00:16:08,801 I have a sausage with your name on it! 344 00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:10,385 Out of the car now! 345 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,431 I need you to come to Brazzaville, New Jersey and bail me out. 346 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,435 I'm kind of in the middle of something. 347 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,227 Hurry, Ted. You have no idea of the kind of the hardened criminals 348 00:16:19,397 --> 00:16:20,800 they've got me in here with. 349 00:16:20,925 --> 00:16:23,023 Are we gonna get our spray paint back? 350 00:16:24,114 --> 00:16:25,264 Save me, Ted! 351 00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:30,280 You want to do something for me? I need a ride to New Jersey. 352 00:16:32,270 --> 00:16:33,823 You'll pay for tolls, right? 353 00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:35,730 I'm kidding. 354 00:16:37,572 --> 00:16:40,165 So Stella and I drove all the way out to New Jersey, 355 00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:42,009 bailed your Uncle Barney out of jail 356 00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:43,481 and drove all the way home. 357 00:16:43,606 --> 00:16:45,863 By the way, Ted, how's that girl you've been seeing? 358 00:16:45,988 --> 00:16:49,155 That super hot French chick with the big enormous boobs? 359 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:50,834 Oh, you mean Claudette? 360 00:16:50,959 --> 00:16:52,436 She's... she's fine. 361 00:16:52,561 --> 00:16:55,961 Man, she's the hottest girl you have ever been with, Ted. 362 00:16:56,256 --> 00:16:57,056 Ever! 363 00:16:57,709 --> 00:16:58,809 Bye, Stella. 364 00:17:05,165 --> 00:17:07,025 I'm so sorry again about everything. 365 00:17:08,552 --> 00:17:10,403 - For what it's worth... - I'll talk to Tony. 366 00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:12,238 Really? 367 00:17:12,863 --> 00:17:14,913 I want you to be happy, Stella. 368 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:16,950 I'll talk to him. 369 00:17:17,310 --> 00:17:18,310 And I did. 370 00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:20,708 I don't remember what I said to him, but 371 00:17:20,833 --> 00:17:23,783 I guess I changed his mind because the next day, 372 00:17:25,231 --> 00:17:26,628 they flew to California. 373 00:17:27,175 --> 00:17:29,775 Stella set up a new dermatology practice. 374 00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:33,638 And against all odds, Tony found some success as a screenwriter. 375 00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:36,692 His movie, The Wedding Bride, was a big hit. 376 00:17:37,009 --> 00:17:38,365 But we'll get to that later. 377 00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:40,240 Okay, but just tell me this. 378 00:17:40,365 --> 00:17:41,315 Why Tony? 379 00:17:42,010 --> 00:17:43,498 I mean, is it the money, 380 00:17:43,623 --> 00:17:46,473 the kung fu pajamas? Like, what... what is it? 381 00:17:47,931 --> 00:17:49,081 He's the one. 382 00:17:51,746 --> 00:17:52,646 The one. 383 00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,973 Yeah, I know it's kinda sappy, but... yeah. 384 00:18:00,839 --> 00:18:03,970 Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job 385 00:18:04,095 --> 00:18:05,834 of not saying out loud lately. 386 00:18:07,929 --> 00:18:09,679 What you and Tony have... 387 00:18:10,519 --> 00:18:12,757 what I thought for a second you and I had... 388 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,743 what I know that Marshall and Lily have... 389 00:18:19,081 --> 00:18:20,181 I want that. 390 00:18:21,331 --> 00:18:22,131 I do. 391 00:18:23,555 --> 00:18:27,505 I keep waiting for it to happen and waiting for it to happen, and... 392 00:18:29,086 --> 00:18:30,536 I guess I'm just... 393 00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:33,445 I'm tired of waiting. 394 00:18:36,108 --> 00:18:39,108 And that is all I'm going to say on that subject. 395 00:18:45,205 --> 00:18:47,408 I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket? 396 00:18:47,533 --> 00:18:48,476 Really? 397 00:18:48,765 --> 00:18:51,020 I was heading upstate to my parents' house doing, like, 398 00:18:51,145 --> 00:18:53,745 90 on this country road, and I got pulled over. 399 00:18:53,870 --> 00:18:54,949 So this cop 400 00:18:55,074 --> 00:18:56,500 gets out of his car. He kind of 401 00:18:56,625 --> 00:18:58,187 swaggers on over and he's, like, 402 00:18:58,312 --> 00:19:00,680 "Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day." 403 00:19:02,417 --> 00:19:04,056 So I looked up at him and I said, 404 00:19:04,181 --> 00:19:06,978 "I'm so sorry, Officer. I got here as fast as I could." 405 00:19:08,363 --> 00:19:09,367 For real? 406 00:19:11,170 --> 00:19:12,520 It's an old joke. 407 00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:18,400 I know that... you're tired of waiting, 408 00:19:19,110 --> 00:19:22,110 and you may have to wait a little while more, but 409 00:19:23,416 --> 00:19:24,704 she's on her way, Ted. 410 00:19:26,858 --> 00:19:28,434 And she's getting here 411 00:19:28,559 --> 00:19:30,009 as fast as she can. 412 00:19:40,015 --> 00:19:41,054 Bye, Stella. 413 00:19:42,291 --> 00:19:43,491 Good-bye, Ted. 414 00:20:13,943 --> 00:20:16,883 She tracked me down two days later using a phone book. 415 00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:20,050 And that's the last time I wrote my name in my undergarments. 416 00:20:24,718 --> 00:20:25,890 You're back! 417 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:29,871 Barney, when you told me that peanut butter and jam joke, 418 00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,980 I was completely disgusted. 419 00:20:32,491 --> 00:20:36,065 But I was in the shower this morning and it popped into my head and 420 00:20:36,190 --> 00:20:37,990 it actually made me laugh. 421 00:20:38,229 --> 00:20:39,404 Peanut butter. 422 00:20:40,164 --> 00:20:43,081 So I can see now how I may have overreacted. 423 00:20:43,206 --> 00:20:44,575 Marshall's words, not mine. 424 00:20:45,471 --> 00:20:47,662 Well, it's good to see you again, Lily. 425 00:20:47,832 --> 00:20:48,680 Thanks. 426 00:20:49,010 --> 00:20:50,553 So what have you been up to? 427 00:20:50,678 --> 00:20:53,527 I'm going to an amnesia ward with a bunch of photos of my children 428 00:20:53,652 --> 00:20:56,054 and a wedding ring. I'm gonna find the hottest 429 00:20:56,179 --> 00:20:58,131 patient/my wife, and we are going... 430 00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:00,626 Okay, so that's good enough for tonight. 431 00:21:00,751 --> 00:21:03,442 I gotta ease back into this. See you tomorrow.