Original subtitles

I REALIZE, GENTLEMEN,

THAT YOU'VE ALL TAKEN AN OATH TO GIVE UP SHAVING

UNTIL SUCH TIME AS OUR FOOTBALL TEAM

TRIUMPHS OVER THAT OF LAUREL COLLEGE.

HOWEVER, I WAS NOT AWARE THAT YOU HAVE ALSO BOUND YOURSELVES

TO BOYCOTT ALL MENTAL ACTIVITY AS WELL.

THIS RENUNCIATION OF KNOWLEDGE ON YOUR PART IS ADDED EVIDENCE

OF THE POINT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE,

AIDED BY YOUR ENTHUSIASTIC AND COMPLETE LACK OF INTEREST.

RUBBER-LEGS. PSST.

MR. RYAN...

PERHAPS I BORE YOU?

WHO-ME? NO. GO RIGHT AHEAD.

THANK YOU.

FAR BE IT FROM ME TO STIFLE ANY CREATIVE TREND,

EVEN SO PRIMITIVE AN ART AS WOODCARVING.

OH, COME NOW, MR. RYAN.

SUCH MODESTY ILL BEFITS AN ALL-AMERICAN TACKLE.

MRS. "H," I TAKE IT, WOULD BE MRS. HATHAWAY, MY WIFE, HUH?

WELL, UH, I-

OH, NOW, DON'T SPOIL IT BY BEING EMBARRASSED, MR. RYAN.

LOVE IS A PRIMARY EMOTION COMMON TO ALL FORMS OF ANIMAL

AND SOME OF VEGETABLE LIFE.

ORCHIDS, CATFISH, AND LEFT TACKLES ALL FEEL LOVE.

WELL, GENTLEMEN,

THERE'S A MUCH GRAVER PROBLEM CONFRONTING US...

THAT IS, HOW YOU'RE GOING TO AVOID READING 20 PAGES

OF SHILLINGKOPF ON PSYCHOLOGY TONIGHT

AND STILL FOOL ME TOMORROW.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

MR. RYAN, MAY I SEE YOU A MOMENT, PLEASE?

RUBBER-LEGS, WITHOUT YOU IN THE GAME SATURDAY,

WE'D HAVE A HARD TIME BEATING LAUREL, WOULDN'T WE?

HUH? ARE YOU KIDDING?

WELL, THEY'D TEAR DOWN THE STADIUM.

THEN MAYBE THEY'D REBUILD THE LIBRARY THEY TORE DOWN TO BUILD THE STADIUM.

IN EXAMINATION YESTERDAY, YOU TURNED IN A BLANK PAPER,

EXCEPT FOR YOUR THUMBPRINTS.

I COULDN'T EVEN GIVE YOU 5 FOR NEATNESS.

YOU MEAN YOU AIN'T GONNA PASS ME?

OH, YOU DON'T LIKE ME.

RUBBER-LEGS, I ADORE YOU.

I'LL BET IT'S BECAUSE YOU SAW WHAT I CARVED IN THE CHAIR.

YOU'RE BURNED UP.

BY THAT, YOU IMPLY THAT MY REACTION WAS ONE OF JEALOUSY.

NO, RUBBER-LEGS... AND NEVER.

JEALOUSY WENT OUT OF STYLE WITH THE FLYING WEDGE.

MRS. HATHAWAY AND I-

MY WIFE... SHE'S ARRIVING IN 5 MINUTES.

I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE TRAIN.

PROFESSOR HATHAWAY,

DEAN HUTCHINSON WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU IN HIS OFFICE IMMEDIATELY.

BUT MY WIFE. I'VE GOT TO MEET HER.

THE DEAN SAID IT WAS MOST URGENT.

TELL HIM I'LL BE THERE.

RUBBER-LEGS-

COME IN.

AH, HATHAWAY.

YOU SENT FOR ME?

YES, HATHAWAY. SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

IT'S ABOUT CRAZY-LEGS RYAN.

RUBBER-LEGS RYAN.

HA HA! I WAS THINKING OF CRAZY-LEGS BILBALL.

OH, GREAT END. SORRY TO SEE HIM GRADUATE.

HE DIDN'T. HE JUST PLAYED 3 YEARS AND MOVED ON.

OH. HATHAWAY, WE MUST NEVER SUBORDINATE OUR ACADEMIC STANDARD

TO OUR ATHLETIC PROWESS.

WE MUST BEAR IN MIND THAT FOR WHICH DIGBY COLLEGE STANDS.

AND DIGBY COLLEGE HAS STOOD FOR PLENTY.

UH, SO...

HATHAWAY...

THE TRUSTEES OF THIS COLLEGE ARE - HOW SHALL I SAY?

PRACTICAL MEN.

THEIR INTEREST IN CRAZY-LEGS- RUBBER-LEGS-

IS NOT THE PEDAGOGICAL ONE THAT WE HAVE.

IT SEEMS THAT THEY ARE DETERMINED

TO BEAT LAUREL COLLEGE THIS SATURDAY,

AND, UH, THEREFORE-

SHALL I JUST CHANGE HIS MARK TO A PASSING GRADE,

OR MUST WE GO THROUGH THE FORMALITY OF A REEXAMINATION?

PROFESSOR HATHAWAY, CHANGING HIS MARK WOULD BE CHEATING.

UH...

JUST WHAT TYPE OF EXAMINATION

WERE YOU PLANNING TO GIVE HIM?

I IMAGINE SOMETHING IN ONE SYLLABLE, NO WRITING, AND SHORT.

UH-HUH.

WELL, WHATEVER YOU SAY.

WE HAVE COMPLETE FAITH IN YOU, OF COURSE.

THESE ARE TROUBLESOME DAYS, HATHAWAY.

WE MEN OF LEARNING MUST LIVE PRACTICALLY

IN A PRACTICAL WORLD.

WE MUST FACE REALITIES,

EVEN AT THE COST, EVERY NOW AND THEN,

OF A SMALL IDEAL.

I FOUND THAT OUT A LONG TIME AGO, DEAN HUTCHINSON.

EVEN PROFESSORS MUST EAT,

AND THEIR WIVES WELCOME AN OCCASIONAL BURLAP DRESS,

AND THEY BOTH PREFER SOMETHING REASONABLY WARM FOR WINTER

AND SOMETHING BETWEEN THEM AND THE RAIN.

REST YOUR MIND ABOUT RUBBER-LEGS.

HE'LL BE THERE AT THE KICKOFF.

HEIL, FOOTBALL!

SURE HAVE MISSED YOU AROUND HERE, MRS. HATHAWAY.

HOW ARE THINGS BACK IN CANVILLE?

I HEAR THEY ONLY WON 2 OUT OF 7 GAMES.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY SHAVE EVERY DAY.

IS YOUR MOTHER A TEACHER THERE OR SOMETHING?

I MEAN, IN CANVILLE.

SHE RUNS A BOARDINGHOUSE.

A BOARDINGHOUSE?

THEN HOW'D YOU EVER COME TO MARRY A PROFESSOR

LIKE PROFESSOR HATHAWAY?

HE LIVED AT THE BOARDINGHOUSE.

AND WHAT'S SO STRANGE ABOUT MY MARRYING A PROFESSOR?

OH, WELL, I JUST THOUGHT-

I MEAN, WELL, SOMEBODY LIKE YOU AND A PROFESSOR.

I MEAN, YOU'RE...

WELL, PROFESSORS' WIVES DON'T ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU.

HA HA!

AND PROFESSORS DON'T ALWAYS LOOK LIKE MY HUSBAND EITHER.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT HE ACTS LIKE A PROFESSOR.

IMAGINE BEING TIED UP WITH A DEAN

WHEN HE COULD BE MEETING YOU?

OH, I'M SURE HE THINKS I'M MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN THE DEAN.

HO HO HO! ANYWAY, IT WAS A GREAT BREAK FOR ME,

HIM ASKING ME TO CALL FOR YOU.

IT'S VERY NICE OF YOU, RUBBER-LEGS,

AND YOU MISSING FOOTBALL PRACTICE-

DON'T THINK I DON'T APPRECIATE IT.

OH, HECK, I DON'T NEED NO PRACTICE.

OH, HECK, EITHER DO I.

OH.

GOOD-BYE.

JULIE!

OH, DARLING!

DARLING.

OH, JULIE, IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO HAVE YOU BACK. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

MISSED ME... YOU HARDLY KNEW I WAS GONE.

NO. WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE KITCHEN.

YOU HAD THAT TIE ON WHEN I LEFT.

WELL, IT'S A NICE TIE.

AND THAT SUIT. NOW, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING,

SLEEPING IN IT... WHEN YOU SLEPT?

NOW, DON'T START ON THAT.

WHAT TIME DID YOU GO TO BED LAST NIGHT?

11:00. JOHN!

WELL, MAYBE IT WAS NEARER 12:00.

AND MAYBE IT WAS NEARER 4:00, AND YOU PROMISED ME

YOU WOULDN'T STAY UP ALL NIGHT WORKING ON THAT BOOK:

JEALOUSY AND ALL ITS APPLICATIONS AND UNIVERSAL ASPECTS.

NO. JEALOUSY AND ALL ITS ASPECTS AND UNIVERSAL APPLICATIONS.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

NO, JULIE, IT ISN'T.

WELL, THEN IT ISN'T. OH, JOHN, DARLING, I LOVE YOU.

EVER SINCE YOU WALKED INTO MY MOTHER'S BOARDINGHOUSE...

AND SINCE THE FIRST TIME YOU BURNED YOUR MOUTH

BECAUSE YOU FORGOT THE COFFEE WAS TOO HOT, I HAVE LOVED YOU.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I LIVED BEFORE I MET YOU.

RIGHT.

SO, WHEN MOTHER ASKED YOU NOT TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT

WRITING ON THAT BOOK,

SHE HAS A REASON FOR ASKING AND WANTS YOU TO DO AS SHE SAYS.

ONE MORE GOOD NIGHT'S WORK WILL FINISH IT.

I'M SURE IT'S A VERY GOOD BOOK,

AND IF I COULD UNDERSTAND IT, WHY, I'M SURE I'D LIKE IT VERY MUCH.

INTO THE MAIL IT GOES

RIGHT STRAIGHT TO ELLIOTT MORGAN, INCORPORATED,

PUBLISHER EXTRAORDINARY OF EXTRAORDINARY BOOKS.

MOM ALWAYS SAYS PEOPLE READING BOOKS

IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WORLD.

YOUR MOTHER'S WORLD IS THE SMALL PERFECT ONE OF THE TRULY ILLITERATE.

MY MOTHER IS A FINE WOMAN.

WHY, NOW, DARLING, SHE'S A SAINT.

JULIE, IF MORGAN PUBLISHES MY BOOK

AND IF BY SOME COCKEYED MIRACLE, IT SELLS, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

WE CAN GET OUT OF HERE.

LEAVE DIGBY?

FAR BEHIND US. LEAVE DIGBY - THE COLLEGE, THE TOWN,

AND THE STATE OF MIND.

NO MORE DISHONEST THINKING.

WE'LL LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT BEARDS.

OH, DARLING. NO MORE BEARDS. I HATE BEARDS.

I'LL SHAVE TWICE A DAY.

I'LL EVEN TAKE THIS OFF.

OH, THAT DOESN'T COUNT. THAT'S CUTE.

WE'LL GO AND CHEER FOR FOOTBALL TEAMS AND LET STUDENTS PLAY,

AND RUBBER-LEGS RYAN WILL BECOME JUST A NASTY MEMORY.

IT WAS SWEET OF YOU TO SEND HIM FOR ME.

SEND HIM FOR YOU?

HMM. TO MEET ME.

WHY, HE SAID YOU HAD TO SEE THE DEAN.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE, BUT...

HUH. THAT'S LOVE FOR YOU.

I'D CALL IT PUPPY LOVE IF GORILLAS HAD PUPPIES.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN- LOVE?

WELL, RUBBER-LEGS IS SMITTEN.

I CAUGHT HIM THIS AFTERNOON CARVING YOUR INITIALS INTO HIS DESK.

CARVING MY- WELL, THE NERVE!

WHAT DID YOU DO?

DO?

WEREN'T YOU ANGRY?

NO, NO. I USED TO GET MAD WHEN THEY DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS,

BUT NOT ANYMORE.

AFTER CLASS, HE ACCUSED ME OF BEING JEALOUS.

OF COURSE, I TOLD HIM THAT WAS UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE.

UTTERLY.

YEAH. THAT'S WHERE WE HAVE IT OVER THE REST OF THEM,

HAVEN'T WE, JULIE?

NONE OF THOSE SILLY EMOTIONAL CRISES IN OUR LIVES, ARE THERE?

NO, SIR. NOT US.

WE LIVE BY THE BOOK!

WELL, NOW...

NOW, JULIE...

OH, AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK ME WHAT SORT OF A TIME I HAD BACK HOME?

WHAT SORT OF A TIME DID YOU HAVE?

I HAD THE BEST TIME I'VE HAD IN AGES.

THE HOUSE WAS FILLED WITH NEW STUDENTS AND YOUNG PROFESSORS.

AND THE WAY THEY TOOK AFTER ME, YOU'D THINK I WAS THE ONLY WOMAN

IN THE WORLD.

REALLY? DID YOU GO DANCING A LOT?

EVERY NIGHT. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

OUT TO DINNER AND THE MOVIES,

AND SOMETIMES WE JUST SAT ON THE HAMMOCK ON THE BACK PORCH.

YOU REMEMBER THE BACK PORCH, JOHN.

THE BACK PORCH?

THAT'S WHERE YOU ASKED ME TO MARRY YOU!

OH, WAS THAT THE BACK PORCH?

AND GUESS WHO I RAN INTO.

WELL, I DIDN'T EXACTLY RUN INTO HIM.

MATTER OF FACT, HE CALLED ME UP

THE FIRST 10 MINUTES I WAS IN TOWN - BOB JORDAN.

WHO?

BOB JORDAN.

WELL, WHO'S BOB JORDAN?

YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHO BOB JORDAN IS.

OH. OH, YOU MEAN THE FAT LITTLE ASSISTANT IN THE SCIENCE LAB.

NO. I MEAN THE MAN I WAS ENGAGED TO

WHEN YOU CAME TO TOWN.

HE'S BIG AND BLOND, AND HE HAS HIS OWN FILLING STATION NOW.

OH, YES, HIM. YEAH. HE'S VERY NICE, YES.

AND, JOHN... HE'S STILL IN LOVE WITH ME.

OH, HE MUST BE VERY UNHAPPY, POOR FELLOW. I'M SORRY FOR HIM.

WELL, HE'S NOT SORRY FOR YOU!

HE HATES THE VERY SOUND OF YOUR NAME.

HE'S SO JEALOUS, I THINK HE'D KILL YOU IF HE EVER MET YOU!

THERE YOU HAVE IT... THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHAT I'VE BEEN WRITING ABOUT.

NOW, YOU TAKE THIS BOB WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.

BOB JORDAN!

BOB JORDAN.

AS I REMEMBER HIM, A PERFECTLY NORMAL UNCOMPLICATED YOUNG MAN.

NOW HE'S ON THE VERGE OF BECOMING A HOMICIDAL MANIAC. WHY?

BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

BECAUSE HE'S JEALOUS.

HE'S JEALOUS BECAUSE HE LOVES ME!

THE ONE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OTHER.

HERE. IT'S RIGHT HERE IN THE BOOK. LISTEN.

UH...

HERE. UH...

"LOVE IS BORNE OF TRUST, JEALOUSY, OF MISTRUST.

"JUST AS THE PERFECT HUMAN RELATIONSHIP BEGINS TO DETERIORATE UNDER MISTRUST,

"SO ALSO MUST IT COLLAPSE THROUGH JEALOUSY.

"THE SOCIAL ORDER WHICH HAS FINALLY AND COMPLETELY ELIMINATED

"THE JEALOUSY OF MAN FOR WOMAN, OF FAMILY FOR FAMILY,

"OF CLASS FOR CLASS, AND COUNTRY FOR COUNTRY-

THAT SOCIAL ORDER WILL BE THE ULTIMATE AND PERFECT ONE."

YOU SEE?

NO.

WHAT DON'T YOU SEE?

I DON'T SEE WHY YOU'RE NOT JEALOUS OF BOB JORDAN.

WELL, I JUST TOLD YOU.

YOU READ ME SOMETHING OUT OF A BOOK.

MY FATHER NEVER READ A BOOK IN HIS LIFE,

AND HE LOVED MY MOTHER,

AND HE WOULDN'T LET MY MOTHER LOOK AT ANOTHER MAN!

AND WHAT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR FATHER IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, IS THAT RIGHT?

AND GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY GRANDFATHER, TOO!

YOUR GRANDFATHER WAS A NOTORIOUS WIFE BEATER.

MY GRANDMOTHER NEVER COMPLAINED,

NOR DID HER MOTHER COMPLAIN EITHER.

WELL, IF YOU GO BACK FAR ENOUGH,

YOU'LL FIND THEY ALL LIVED IN TREES AND THREW COCONUTS AT ONE ANOTHER.

THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD IS A HISTORY OF PROGRESS.

WHY MUST MARRIAGE REMAIN THE SAME AS IT WAS IN THE DARK AGES?

BECAUSE MEN AND WOMEN ARE THE SAME!

DO YOU WANT TO THROW COCONUTS?

YES!

DO YOU WANT TO BEAT ME! YES!

WELL, THEN GO AHEAD.

OH, YOU!

ATTA GIRL. IT'S ALL OVER NOW.

I'M SO ASHAMED.

OH, NONSENSE.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT

AND I'M ALWAYS WRONG.

THAT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

AND, JOHN, I LIED TO YOU, TOO.

I DIDN'T GO OUT EVERY NIGHT.

I DIDN'T GO OUT AT ALL.

I JUST STAYED HOME WITH MOM AND PLAYED GIN RUMMY.

AND, JOHN?

YES?

I SAW BOB JORDAN JUST ONCE.

HMM. HE'S AN AWFUL STUPE.

BOB JORDAN? WHO'S BOB JORDAN?

OHH...

RUBBER-LEGS, DO YOU HAVE ANYONE VERY NEAR AND DEAR TO YOU,

SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU?

WELL, THE COACH.

HA HA HA HA!

THEN FOR HIS SAKE AND YOURS,

FOR THE DEAN AND FOR DIGBY...

FOR THE SPORTSWRITERS OF AMERICA AND 3 RADIO NETWORKS,

RUBBER-LEGS, TRY TO THINK.

WELL, THIS AIN'T GONNA BE A TOUGH EXAM, IS IT?

I GAVE IT TO MICKEY, THE JANITOR'S 6- YEAR-OLD SON.

HE PASSED WITH A GRADE OF 98.

HE'S A PRETTY SMART KID, THAT MICKEY.

HMM.

WHAT DO YOU SEE HERE?

OH, I SEE SOME STUFF.

THAT'S QUITE RIGHT. THAT'S VERY GOOD.

BUT CAN YOU IDENTIFY IT?

WHAT IS THIS, FOR INSTANCE?

A BLOCK. A KID'S BLOCK.

THAT'S CORRECT. EINSTEIN COULDN'T HAVE DONE BETTER.

EINSTEIN?

IS HE ONE OF THE FIGHTING IRISH?

NOT YET. AND THIS?

WELL, THAT'S A CARAMEL.

IS IT A CHOCOLATE CARAMEL?

WE SHALL SEE. NOW, WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER EAT-

THIS BLOCK OR THIS PIECE OF CANDY?

OH-

CAREFUL. CAREFUL NOW.

I LIKE THIS EXAM. GIVE ME THE CANDY.

WAIT.

IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE PAPER OFF FIRST, YOU LOSE 10 POINTS.

OH, THAT'S THE BEST PART OF THE CARAMEL.

DO I PASS?

WELL, FOR APPEARANCE'S SAKE, LET'S FINISH THE EXAMINATION FIRST.

OH, DO WE HAVE TO GO AND DO SOME MORE?

I GOT A HEADACHE.

SOMEBODY KICK YOU IN THE HEAD?

NO. I GOT IT FROM THINKING.

THINKING ALWAYS GIVES ME A HEADACHE.

THAT'S FROM USING MUSCLES YOU'VE NEVER USED BEFORE.

WE'LL CONTINUE.

WELL, THE DEAN SAID IF I GOT A HEADACHE, WE COULD STOP.

WHAT MADE THE DEAN SUSPECT YOU MIGHT GET A HEADACHE?

SUSPECT? IT WAS HIS IDEA.

GOOD MORNING, PROFESSOR.

GOOD MORNING, CRAZY-LEGS.

AND HOW IS OUR LITTLE QUIZ PROGRESSING?

RUBBER-LEGS IS A REGULAR LITTLE QUIZ KID.

WON'T YOU JOIN US?

I GOT A HEADACHE, DEAN.

HEADACHE?

PERHAPS THE BOY ISN'T WELL.

BUT YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, AREN'T YOU?

OH, OF COURSE, PROFESSOR. I FEEL FINE.

IN THAT CASE, I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.

I WAS UNDER AN IMPRESSION THAT MR. RYAN WAS BEING EXAMINED.

CAN I GO NOW?

YOU STAY RIGHT THERE.

THE FIRST QUESTION, WHICH DO YOU CONSIDER MORE IMPORTANT-

EDUCATION OR FOOTBALL? THE SHEEPSKIN OR THE PIGSKIN?

MY DEAR HATHAWAY.

ANSWER MY QUESTION!

HE'S BLOWN HIS TOPPER.

WHY, EDUCATION, OF COURSE.WRONG!

YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID FOOTBALL.

I'VE HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF THIS.

YOU'D SAY LIBERAL EDUCATION, WOULDN'T YOU?

OF COURSE I WOULD!

WRONG AGAIN! YOU BOTH FLUNK!

I DIDN'T ANSWER WRONG. HE DID!

HATHAWAY, I SUPPOSE YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS.

PERFECTLY! IT MEANS I'M THROUGH!

THROUGH RUNNING A CULTURAL SIDESHOW

FOR PHYSICAL GIANTS AND MENTAL FREAKS!

IT MEANS I'M GOING TO NEW YORK

AND PROBABLY STARVE TO DEATH,

BUT I'D RATHER STARVE THAN EAT THE CROW

THEY'RE SERVING AROUND HERE.

AND, FINALLY, IT MEANS THAT NOBODY WILL SHAVE HERE TILL NEXT YEAR

BECAUSE RUBBER-LEGS WON'T PLAY SATURDAY

AND LAUREL WILL BEAT DIGBY!

HEY, WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?

AN HONEST MAN, YOU BIG-MUSCLED PINHEAD!

JULIE.

JULIE?

GOOD MORNING.

IS THIS THE PLACE WE RENTED LAST NIGHT BECAUSE WE THOUGHT IT LOOKED QUAINT?

NOW, IT'S GOING TO BE CUTE.

MOM USED TO SAY I COULD DO MORE

WITH A COUPLE OF YARDS OF CHINTZ

AND A GALLON OF PAINT THAN ANYBODY-

DOES THAT GO ON ALL DAY?

ONLY EARLY IN THE MORNING, THEY TELL ME.

JULIE, WHY DID I EVER DO THIS TO YOU?

YOU SMELL THAT COFFEE?

NOW, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU

THAT A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE WON'T FIX.

LET'S GO BACK TO DIGBY.

I'LL SAY I MADE A MISTAKE, RUBBER-LEGS PASSED.

I'LL PLEAD INSANITY.

IT'S WHAT IT WAS- INSANITY.

I HAD A JOB, A GOOD JOB.

YOU HAD NOTHING OF THE SORT.

YOU HAD COBWEBS IN YOUR HEAD AND NO SELF-RESPECT,

AND WE WERE BOTH UP TO OUR CHINS IN BEARDS.

NOW, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO BE FREE,

AND IT'S MY CHANCE TO GET A NEW HAT.

NOW GET DRESSED. WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

YEAH. WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD EXPLAIN TO ME

WHY I HAD TO CHOOSE THE ELLIOTT MORGAN PUBLISHING HOUSE.

BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST.

WHO SAYS I'M GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE BEST?

I SAY YOU'RE TOO GOOD. OVER HERE, DARLING.

AND WHO SAYS ELLIOTT MORGAN IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

BE SURE YOU WEAR A BLUE NECKTIE. IT BRINGS OUT YOUR EYES.

I CAME TO NEW YORK TO BE AN AUTHOR, NOT A ZIEGFELD GIRL.

IT WON'T HURT YOU TO LOOK PRETTY.

LOOK, JULIE... WHY DON'T YOU GO ON?

I'LL STAY HERE AND CLEAN UP.

NO ONE'S GOING TO BITE YOU, DARLING, AND IF THEY DO,

MOTHER WILL BE THERE TO BITE RIGHT BACK.

WHERE DID I EVER GET THE WONDERFUL IDEA OF WANTING TO MARRY YOU?

WHERE DID YOU EVER GET THE IDEA THAT YOU GOT THE IDEA

OF WANTING TO MARRY ME?

AH, NO. TOO HOT.

YOU TELL ME WHEN, HMM?

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN.

THE HOUSE THAT BOOKS BUILT.

WHO, UH... WHAT ARE THEY?

OH, THOSE ARE 5 CONVICTS WHO ESCAPED FROM DEVIL'S ISLAND.

THEY WROTE A BESTSELLER FOR US,

AND NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET BACK ON THE ISLAND

SO THEY CAN WRITE A SEQUEL.

DID YOU WANT TO SEE SOMEONE?

MR. MORGAN, PLEASE.

WELL, I'M AFRAID HE'S BUSY.

PERHAPS MISS WOODS COULD SEE YOU.

WILL YOU WAIT IN THE LIBRARY?

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

THANK YOU.

SOMEDAY THIS ROOM WILL HAVE NOTHING IN IT BUT YOUR BOOKS.

THEY'LL PROBABLY GO ON PUBLISHING OTHER WRITERS, TOO.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I KNEW A FELLA ONCE

WHO WROTE A BOOK AND WAS NEVER PUBLISHED.

THIS IS QUITE A WAITING ROOM.

WHERE'S LITERARY DIGEST?

NEVER HEARD OF A WAITING ROOM WITHOUT LITERARY DIGEST IN IT.

THEN IT MUST BE HERE SOMEWHERE.

I JUST REMEMBERED.

LITERARY DIGEST HASN'T BEEN PUBLISHED FOR THE LAST 4 OR 5 YEARS.

YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT'S THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A WAITING ROOM?

WELL, I-

AND ALL THE TIME YOU PROMISED ME YOU WERE GOING TO SEE THE DENTIST,

YOU NEVER WENT AT ALL?

JULIE, SOMEBODY-

AND DR. POTTER - HE WAS SUCH A GOOD DENTIST.

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO TRY MINE.

I'M NELLIE WOODS, MR. MORGAN'S ASSISTANT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A FUNNY THING ABOUT DENTISTS.

EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD

THINKS THAT THEIR DENTIST IS THE BEST DENTIST.

DID YOU WANT TO SEE MR. MORGAN?

IF YOU PLEASE, YES.

WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

MR. MORGAN IS LOCKED IN FOR THE REST OF THE DAY

WITH A MANUSCRIPT. MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU.

WELL, I'M JOHN HATHAWAY, AND THIS IS MRS. HATHAWAY.

WE SENT A BOOK.

JOHN HATHAWAY. BUT OF COURSE.

I JUST STARTED A LETTER TO YOU ABOUT YOUR BOOK.

YOU KNOW, THE TITLE ALMOST SCARED ME OFF-

JEALOUSY IN ALL ITS ASPECTS AND UNIVERSAL APPLICATIONS.

JEALOUSY IN ALL ITS APPLICATIONS AND UNIVERSAL ASPECTS.

NO, DARLING. SHE WAS RIGHT.

OH, WAS SHE? HE'S VERY BRILLIANT.

OH, I'M SURE HE IS.

NOW, OF COURSE YOU REALIZE

THAT WE DON'T GO IN FOR THE SCHOLARLY APPROACH-

HE CAN'T HELP BEING SMART.

AND THE SUBJECT MATTER ISN'T QUITE OUR DISH-

WELL, OF COURSE, IF IT'S TOO GOOD FOR YOU-

BUT THEN THERE IS AN ANGLE.

NOW, YOU HAVE A CHAPTER ON MARITAL JEALOUSY.

IF YOU COULD EXPAND THAT,

IN FACT, MAKE IT PRACTICALLY THE ENTIRE BOOK.

OH, BUT THAT'S JUST ONE UNIMPORTANT PHASE OF IT.

WHAT'S JEALOUSY BETWEEN MAN AND WOMAN

COMPARED WITH THAT OF COUNTRIES, RELIGIONS, AND CLASSES?

IT SELLS BOOKS, FOR ONE THING-

THE OLD LOVE THEME.

HE'S WONDERFUL AT LOVE.

OH, YES. I'M SURE HE IS.

WHY, I HAVE NO SCRIPT WITH ME JUST NOW-

HERE'S A CARBON.

OH, FINE. UM... I'D LIKE TO CHECK THROUGH THIS WITH YOU.

OH, PERHAPS YOU'D COME INTO MY OFFICE.

I HAVE ALL MY NOTES THERE, AND-

OH, BY ALL MEANS. YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU, DARLING?

SHOPTALK ALWAYS BORES YOU SO.

YES, IT DOES. NO, I DON'T MIND. GO RIGHT AHEAD.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE A MAGAZINE.

OH, NO, NO. I CAN TAKE BOOKS.

SOME OF THOSE MUST HAVE PICTURES IN THEM.

OH. COME ALONG, WILL YOU?

AND, JOHN...

DON'T SIGN ANYTHING UNLESS I READ IT.

HA.

OH, RATS!

WHO'S OUT THERE?

NOBODY'S OUT ANYWHERE.

I'M IN HERE, AND I WANT OUT!

OH, MISS WOODS!

DON'T CALL HER. FOR PITY'S SAKES, DON'T CALL HER.

WHY NOT?

SHE LOCKED ME IN HERE.

MAYBE SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING.

LADY, WHOEVER YOU ARE,

YOU SOUND LIKE A WOMAN

WITH AN UNDERSTANDING HEART.

THAT'S BECAUSE I'M TALKING THROUGH A DOOR.

LOOK, PLEASE UNLOCK THAT DOOR AND LET ME OUT.

I'M-I'M A SICK MAN. I'VE GOT CLAUSTROPHOBIA.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU WERE LOCKED IN.

CLAUSTROPHOBIA- FEAR OF CLOSED-IN SPACES.

I'VE GOT IT BAD!

BEAVER!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU'LL FIND ME ETERNALLY-

UH... YOU'VE...

WELL...

WON'T YOU, UM...

STEP INTO MY OFFICE, LITTLE FLY?

IN THERE? I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID YOU HAD FEAR OF CLOSED-IN SPACES.

I'VE GOT AGORAPHOBIA, TOO-

FEAR OF OPEN SPACES.

YOU'VE GOT IT COMING AND GOING, HAVEN'T YOU?

ISN'T IT AWFUL? I'M JUST COVERED WITH NEUROSIS.

AND HAIR. NOW STOP KIDDING ME.

WHO ARE YOU?

THAT IS MY OFFICE.

MISS WOODS, WHO IS A DICTATOR AT HEART, LOCKED ME IN THERE.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO READ A MANUSCRIPT

ABOUT JEALOUSY AND ALL ITS ASPECTS.

AND UNIVERSAL APPLICATIONS.

WELL, YOU MUST BE JOHN HATHAWAY. WHY IS YOUR NAME JOHN?

IT'S NOT. IT'S JULIE. MY HUSBAND IS JOHN HATHAWAY. HE'S IN WITH MISS WOODS.

AND I'M WITH YOU. NOW, CAN'T WE LET WELL ENOUGH ALONE?

I'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU MEET HIM.

I DON'T WANT TO MEET HIM.

IT'LL CHEAPEN OUR RELATIONSHIP, MY KNOWING YOUR HUSBAND.

WHO LET YOU OUT?

THERE ARE LAWS AGAINST LOCKING PEOPLE IN ROOMS.

AND THERE ARE LAWS

THAT KEEP CERTAIN PEOPLE FROM RUNNING LOOSE.

I DON'T BLAME YOU. ISN'T IT RIDICULOUS?

MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE A GOAT.

SHAKESPEARE WORE A BEARD.

NO COMMENT.

THIS IS THE AUTHOR WHOSE BOOK YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO READ.

PROFESSOR HATHAWAY, THIS IS MR. ELLIOTT MORGAN, PROPRIETOR.

HOW DO YOU DO?

EXCUSE ME. ABOUT YOUR BOOK-

AND THIS IS MRS. HATHAWAY.

I ASSUME BY NOW THAT YOU'RE OLD FRIENDS.

WE'VE MET, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

IT'S NOT WHAT HE MEANS.

MISS WOODS HAS BEEN TELLING ME HER IDEAS ABOUT THE BOOK.

I AGREE TO A CERTAIN EXTENT, BUT I'D LIKE YOUR OPINION.

MY OPINION? WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I'M NOT WELL, AND I DON'T DO VERY MUCH.

JUST A SORT OF FRONTMAN.

A FALSE FRONT.

UH, BUT YOU MUST DO SOMETHING.

AMONG OTHER THINGS, I GIVE LITERARY TEAS,

AND I'M GIVING ONE THIS AFTERNOON THAT YOU'RE COMING TO.

THE ADDRESS IS IN THE BOOK. YOU-

A LITERARY TEA. DO YOU THINK WE'D LIKE THAT, JOHN?

IT MIGHT BE VERY INTERESTING.

WELL, NOW, I DON'T WANT TO DRAG YOU AWAY FROM NELLIE.

I'M SURE NELLIE HAS A GREAT DEAL TO DISCUSS WITH YOU THIS AFTERNOON,

HAVEN'T YOU, NELLIE?

NO.

WELL, JULIE'D HAVE JUST AS GOOD A TIME WITHOUT ME.

NO, I WOULDN'T-

SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE CAN CONTINUE OUR DISCUSSION.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I WANT TO GO OVER THE BOOK MYSELF AGAIN,

MAKE SOME ELABORATION ON MY NOTES.

SO, AS MUCH AS IT INCONVENIENCES MR. MORGAN,

I THINK THAT YOU HAD BETTER GO ALONG.

I'LL DROP IT AT THE PARTY AFTER I'VE FINISHED.

WELL, IN THE MEANTIME,

WHY DON'T THE TWO OF YOU TAKE A NICE LONG WALK IN THE PARK?

I'M ALLERGIC TO GRASS.

AND FRESH AIR... AND ME.

UH, I GUESS WE'D BETTER GO. COME, JOHN.

UH-HUH.

MISS WOODS IS IN LOVE WITH MR. MORGAN.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?

I DON'T THINK SO. I KNOW SO. I FEEL IT.

YOU DON'T FEEL THOSE THINGS. YOU FIGURE THEM OUT.

YOU FIGURE THEM OUT. I FEEL THEM.

MR. MORGAN'S IN 28B.

THAT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE RIGHT.

MR. MORGAN.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

PARDON ME.

I NEVER DREAMED THERE WERE THIS MANY FAMOUS WRITERS IN THE WORLD.

THERE AREN'T.

HELLO! HELLO, OPERATOR!

I CAN'T HEAR A THING AROUN-

HELLO!

PARDON ME.

OH, THANK YOU.

HELLO, OPERATOR? I WANT SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA.

NO. NO ONE IN PARTICULAR.

JUST SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA.

YEAH. I'LL WAIT.

UH, I BEG YOUR PARDON. WE'RE LOOKING FOR MR. MORGAN.

MORGAN? YOU MEAN ELLIOTT MORGAN?

YES.

OH, HE WASN'T INVITED.

HELLO. THIS IS ELLIOTT MORGAN.

M- O-R-N-A-G- OR...

HOW DO YOU DO? I'M FREDDIE BOND,

AND YOU'RE ONE OF THE LOVELIEST SIGHTS I'VE EVER SEEN.

I'M JOHN HATHAWAY, AND THIS IS MY WIFE.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED.

OH, THAT'S SILLY. I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR ELLIOTT MORGAN.

DON'T. YOU WON'T LIKE HIM.

I'M HIS LAWYER, AND I OUGHT TO KNOW.

OH, THERE YOU ARE.

YES, BOTH OF YOU.

BEAT IT, BOND.

MRS. HATHAWAY AND I ARE THINKING OF GOING AWAY TOGETHER FOR A WHILE.

BOND, I AM YOUR ONLY CLIENT.

UNLESS YOU STOP ANNOYING THIS LADY, YOU'LL LOSE ME.

I AM AN INCURABLE DIPSOMANIAC.

YOU COULD CURE ME, BUT YOU SEE HOW IT IS.

LITERARY PEOPLE ARE THE STRANGEST PEOPLE.

I'LL GET YOU A DRINK.

IF YOU DISSOLVE THEM, IT HELPS.

A ROOMFUL OF LIVING EXAMPLES

OF WHAT THE MIND CAN COME TO WITHOUT DISCIPLINE.

HERE WE ARE.

OH, THE ANTIDOTE.

AND HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING THE SIDESHOW?

COMPARED TO THE REST OF THEM, YOU SEEM ALMOST NORMAL.

OH, NO. NO, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT THAT WAY.

OF COURSE YOU DID, AND YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU SEE, I'M AN HONEST NEUROTIC.

THEY'RE ALL MORE OR LESS FAKES.

OH.

THE MAN AT THE PIANO IS DENNY TRAVIS.

HE'S FOUND A WONDERFUL FORMULA FOR SUCCESSFUL NOVELS.

ALL HIS RICH CHARACTERS ARE RATS,

AND EVERYBODY WITHOUT A NICKEL IS ANOTHER LINCOLN.

AND I'M SHELLEY MASON, THE MOST DISTINGUISHED AND HATED CRITIC IN AMERICA.

YOU MAY LOOK, BUT YOU MUSTN'T TOUCH.

THESE ARE PROFESSOR AND MRS. HATHAWAY.

PROFESSOR OF WHAT?

PSYCHOLOGY.

I NEVER USE IT. I LIVE BY INSTINCT.

OBVIOUSLY.

AT THE MOMENT IT TELLS ME THAT YOU'RE FASCINATED BY ME

AND WANT US TO BE ALONE.

YOU'D BETTER SWITCH TO PSYCHOLOGY.

I ADORE DIFFICULT WOMEN. COME.

GO ALONG WITH HIM, JULIE. MIGHT BE FUN.

FUN? FOR WHO?

FOR ME... AND FOR YOU.

A WELCOME RELIEF FROM YOUR HUSBAND.

I DOUBT IT.

I'M A DANGEROUS AND EXCITING MAN.

AT YOUR AGE?

YOU THROW YOUR WIFE AROUND PRETTY CARELESSLY, HMM?

THAT AGED SOPHOMORE WON'T HURT HER.

STILL, I IMAGINE A WIFE AS ATTRACTIVE AS YOURS

MUST BE A CONSTANT SOURCE OF WORRY.

THAT DEPENDS UPON THE WIFE... AND THE HUSBAND.

IN THIS CASE, IT PRESENTS NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT. THAT MAKES THINGS MORE DIFFICULT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HATHAWAY, I WANT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I AM TERRIBLY ATTRACTED BY YOUR WIFE.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF BEING HONEST.

THAT'S JUST PART OF YOUR ROUTINE.

IN THE SECOND PLACE, I IMAGINE MOST MEN ARE ATTRACTED BY JULIE.

WHAT OF IT?

I'M A VERY SICK MAN.

I'M A HOPELESS NEUROTIC AS FAR AS WOMEN ARE CONCERNED.

I HAVE AN INCURABLE INFERIORITY COMPLEX ABOUT THEM.

MM-HMM. AND JUST HOW DOES THIS COMPLEX MANIFEST ITSELF?

WELL, THE MOMENT I BECOME ATTRACTED TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

BELONGING TO SOMEONE ELSE, I FEEL INFERIOR.

THE RESULT IS AN IRRESISTIBLE COMPULSION

TO TAKE THAT WOMAN AWAY FROM THAT MAN.

AH, AND JULIE COMPELS YOU, HMM?

THE STRONGEST COMPULSION I'VE EVER FELT.

WELL, THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO WARN ME.

I TRY TO BE DECENT.

BUT YOU'RE IN FOR A TOUGH TIME OF IT.

YOU, UH... YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CHANCE.

YOU'RE BEING VERY SMUG ABOUT YOUR WIFE.

YOU KNOW, JULIE MIGHT DO YOU A LOT OF GOOD.

WHAT?

A GOOD SOLID FAILURE WOULD HELP YOU,

BUT I THINK JULIE MIGHT DO MORE THAN THAT.

ARE YOU PRESCRIBING YOUR WIFE FOR ME?

THAT'S THE GENERAL IDEA.

TELL ME, HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN A WOMAN WHO TRUSTED YOU?

YES, MY MOTHER. SHE-

NO, SHE NEVER TRUSTED ME EITHER.

YES, SIR, YOU SHOULD SEE A LOT OF MY WIFE, MR. MORGAN.

I CAN SEE YOUR SALVATION IN JULIE.

PROFESSOR HATHAWAY, I WARN YOU, YOU'RE LEADING WITH YOUR CHIN.

NOT MY CHIN. YOUR CHIN.

WELL, HOW DID YOU MAKE YOU WITH TUGBOAT ANNIE?

OH, HE SAID I WAS MENTALLY BACKWARD AND PHYSICALLY FORWARD,

AND HE ASKED ME TO HAVE TEA WITH HIM ALONE TOMORROW.

ARE YOU GOING TO?

I SAID I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D LIKE IT, JOHN.

THEN HE SAID, "NONSENSE. THE MAN'S TOO BIG A FOOL TO CARE."

ARE YOU, JOHN?

YES, HATHAWAY, TELL US. ARE YOU?

OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE - MISS WOODS.

COULDN'T SEE YOU FOR ALL THE PEOPLE.

WHAT A CLAMBAKE.

WHAT ABOUT THE BOOK?

OH, WE'RE GOING TO DO WONDERFUL THINGS WITH THAT BOOK.

YOU BETTER GET OUT THAT GYP CONTRACT OF YOURS

FOR THE PROFESSOR TO SIGN TOMORROW.

WELCOME TO THE STABLE, HATHAWAY.

UH, AREN'T YOU EVEN GOING TO READ IT?

OH, EVENTUALLY. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I ALWAYS DO WHAT NELLIE HERE SAYS. SHE'S SANE AND SOUND.

GOOD OLD NELLIE HERE. SANE AND SOUND.

ONE DAY SOON, THEY'RE GOING TO PUT ME OUT TO PASTURE.

SAY, WHAT ABOUT JUST THE TWO OF US

HAVING DINNER TONIGHT TO CELEBRATE, HMM?

THE THREE OF US.

THE FOUR OF US.

WELL, IN MY OPINION, THE TITLE FITS THE BOOK PERFECTLY.

JEALOUSY IN ALL ITS AS-

IT FITS, BUT IT WON'T SELL COPIES. HOW ABOUT, UH...

THE FEMALE OF THE SPECIES.

WE CAN USE YOURS FOR A SUBTITLE.

GOOD?

NAUSEATING.

HOT.

OH.

NOW, LOOK, JOHN. LISTEN TO ME.

YOUR BOOK HAS A MESSAGE-

LIFE WITHOUT JEALOUSY,

THE GARDEN OF EDEN WITHOUT THE SNAKE.

AND THAT REMINDS ME. LET'S DANCE.

OH, DO YOU MIND, JOHN?

OF COURSE NOT. GO AHEAD.

THE POINT YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE IS THAT YOU DON'T LIKE MY BOOK.

IS THAT IT?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT. ALL RIGHT. YOU ASKED FOR IT.

YOUR BOOK IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

AS LONG AS THERE'S MORE THAN ONE OF EACH SEX

ON THIS EARTH, THERE'S BOUND TO BE JEALOUSY.

SO YOU THINK THE HUMAN RACE IS INCAPABLE OF IMPROVING.

HOW DOES IT LOOK FROM WHERE YOU SIT?

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S HIGH TIME SOMETHING WERE DONE ABOUT IT.

SO YOU TRUST ME, AND I TRUST YOU. IS THAT IT?

PART OF IT.

DON'T LET ME WAKE YOU UP, PROFESSOR.

HAPPY DREAMS.

MM-HMM. PERFECT.

WHAT IS?

THE COFFEE. JUST RIGHT.

SHE IS, TOO, ISN'T SHE?

JULIE? MMM.

THERE'S ONLY ONE LIKE HER ON EARTH.

TELL ME SOMETHING.

WHAT HAS SHE GOT THAT I HAVEN'T GOT?

GENERALLY SPEAKING.

GENERALLY SPEAKING, YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING ANY MAN COULD WANT.

THEN WHAT AM I DOING ON THE OUTSIDE WITH EGG ALL OVER MY FACE?

SO, YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH IN LOVE WITH ELLIOTT, AREN'T YOU?

NOT TO GIVE YOU A SHORT ANSWER, YES.

TWICE THAT MAN HAS ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM.

TWICE I'VE SAID NO.

WELL, THEN WHAT'S ALL THE SHOOTING FOR?

THEN YOU'VE GOT WHAT HE WANTS.

NO. I'M A NICE, DRY DOORWAY TO DUCK INTO OUT OF THE RAIN,

BUT LET THE SUN COME OUT

AND A LITTLE PAIR OF FRENCH HEELS GO BY,

AND POOF! OFF HE GOES AGAIN.

ONE DAY HE'LL STAY.

ONE DAY HE'LL KNOW WHAT WE KNOW NOW-

THAT YOU'RE THE STRONGER OF THE TWO AND THAT HE NEEDS YOU.

YEAH. I CAN JUST SEE THAT DAY-

ME WITH MY SILVER HAIR AND OLD LACE,

AND HE IN HIS BLACK ALPACA COAT AND CANE,

BOTH OF US KNOWING WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN 50 YEARS BEFORE.

OH, IT'S NO USE, PAL.

I KNOW THAT BIRD.

HE WON'T SING IN A CAGE.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT THAT IF I WERE YOU.

I WOULD WORRY ABOUT IT IF I WERE YOU.

SHALL I SHOW YOU THE SIGHTS?

WE'LL SKIP THE EMPIRE STATE AND TIMES SQUARE.

ANYONE KNOWS WHERE THEY ARE.

LET ME POINT OUT SOME OF THE PLACES

THAT FUTURE POETS WILL WRITE ABOUT.

THERE'S THE BUILDING WE MET IN THIS MORNING.

FROM HERE, IT LOOKS LIKE THE BRIDGE

DANTE USED TO WALK OVER TO SEE HIS BEATRICE.

FROM THERE, I WENT TO LUNCH OVER THERE.

I COULDN'T EAT.

NEITHER COULD PELLEAS WHEN HE THOUGHT OF MELISANDE.

THEN I WALKED THROUGH THE PARK

RIGHT IN FRONT OF US HERE

TO MY APARTMENT OVER THERE.

AND-

WELL, YOU'RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO WHAT I SAY.

HUH? OH, YES. YES, I WAS.

IT'S ALL VERY INTERESTING ABOUT THE EMPIRE STATE AND THE THINGS.

JULIE, IF YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ME, I'LL-

HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN MISS WOODS?

NELLIE? FOREVER. WHY?

SHE'S VERY CLEVER, ISN'T SHE?

I MEAN, IN THE WAY SHE PRACTICALLY RUNS YOUR ORGANIZATION.

OH, WELL, THAT'S NOT VERY IMPORTANT.

WELL, MAYBE TO YOU IT ISN'T.

YOU SEE, YOU'RE MORE LIKE I AM-

NOT VERY CLEVER AND SORT OF UNMENTAL.

WELL, THAT, UH, GIVES US SOMETHING IN COMMON.

JOHN IS JUST FASCINATED BY HER.

SHE DOES THINGS TO HIM.

SHE EXCITES HIM.

I'M RATHER EXCITED MYSELF.

SHE'S GOT SOMETHING I HAVEN'T GOT AT ALL, CAN'T EVER GET.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WONDER WHAT JOHN SEES IN ME.

I COULD EXPLAIN IF YOU'D ONLY HOLD STILL A MINUTE.

LET'S GO IN.

NO FEATHERS, NO POWDER, NO DUST...

NO NOTHING. THE PERFECT BRUSH-OFF.

DID HE GO THROUGH ALL THE FAMOUS LOVERS IN HISTORY FOR YOU?

THAT'S HIS GOLD-PLATE SPECIAL.

I POINTED OUT TO MRS. HATHAWAY

THE EMPIRE STATE AND TIMES SQUARE

AND OTHER POINTS OF INTEREST.

A NEW APPROACH.

MAY I INTRUDE WITH A PURELY COMMERCIAL QUESTION?

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WITH MY BOOK?

NELLIE, IT BELONGS ON OUR SPRING LIST.

BOOKS ON MARRIAGE SELL BEST IN THE RAINY SEASON.

WELL, IT DOESN'T GIVE US MUCH TIME - A MONTH FOR REVISING.

JOHN WORKS NIGHT AND DAY.

MOM ALWAYS USED TO SAY THAT SHE NEVER SAW ANYBODY IN HER LIFE-

A MONTH? NELLIE, I COULD DO IT IF YOU'D WORK WITH ME.

AFTER ALL, YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT THESE REVISIONS THAN I DO.

OF COURSE SHE WILL.

NELLIE, I WANT YOU TO DROP EVERYTHING AT THE OFFICE

AND CONCENTRATE ON JOHN AND THE BOOK NIGHT AND DAY UNTIL IT'S FINISHED.

JULIE, IT'S GOING TO BE PRETTY LONESOME AND BORING FOR YOU.

WANT TO BET ON THAT?

I'M JEALOUS OF THE MOON THAT SHINES ABOVE

BECAUSE IT SMILES UPON THE ONE I LOVE

I'M JEALOUS OF THE BIRDIES IN THE TREES

THEY'RE ALWAYS SINGIN' SWEETEST MELODIES

I'M JEALOUS OF THE PRETTY FLOWERS, TOO

I MISS THE KISS THEY ALWAYS GET FROM YOU

I'M JEALOUS OF THE TICKTOCK ON THE SHELF

I'M EVEN GETTING JEALOUS OF MYSELF

"TODAY A WOMAN CAN ACHIEVE ECONOMIC FREEDOM.

"IT IS UP TO HER NOW TO BECOME MAN'S MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL EQUAL.

THE WOMAN OF TODAY DOES NOT WANT A MASTER BUT DEMANDS A MATE."

JOHN, LET'S MAKE THAT THE WOMAN OF THE FUTURE.

BUT, NELLIE, YOU OF ALL WOMEN...

SELF-SUFFICIENT, SELF-SUPPORTING, FREE.

AND FED UP.

SHOW ME A WOMAN THAT'S FREE,

AND I'LL SHOW YOU A WOMAN THAT SITS HOME AT NIGHT... ALONE.

WELL, THE VERY SYMBOL OF FREEDOM IS A WOMAN - THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.

YEAH. AND DID YOU EVER NOTICE?

SHE CARRIES A TORCH.

OHH...

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IS YOUR AGORA - WHATCHAMACALLIT BOTHERING YOU?

FEAR OF OPEN SPACES. IT'S SOMETHING AWFUL.

YOU'RE GIVING ME THE OTHER ONE- FEAR OF CLOSED-IN SPACES.

OH, COME ON. LET'S GO TO THE AQUARIUM.

WE'RE JUST IN TIME TO SEE THEM FEED THE FISH.

NO, NOT YET. LET'S NOT LOSE THIS LOVELY MOMENT.

IT IS LOVELY, ISN'T IT?

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE VIEW.

BUT THAT'S WHAT WE CAME UP HERE FOR.

JULIE, DON'T YOU FEEL THE IMPORTANCE OF ALL THIS-

WAY ABOVE THE CITY, JUST THE TWO OF US,

SOMEHOW REMOVED FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD?

WE MIGHT BE LOST, YOU AND I - LOST AND FORGOTTEN.

OH, WELL, THAT'S SILLY.

JOHN KNOWS WHERE WE ARE. I TOLD HIM WE WERE COMING UP HERE.

I HAVE NO DOUBT.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR NOT HAVING SEEN IT BEFORE,

LIVING IN NEW YORK ALL YOUR LIFE.

I WAS WAITING TO SEE THE SIGHTS WITH YOU,

AND NOW WE'VE SEEN THEM ALL

FROM GRANT'S TOMB TO THE BATTERY.

WE'VE SEEN ALL THE SIGHTS BUT ONE.

OH, WHICH IS THAT?

NEW YORK FROM THE TERRACE OF MY APARTMENT AT NIGHT.

OH. OH, THAT MUST BE LOVELY, TOO.

LIKE 10 MILLION FIREFLIES ON PARADE.

TONIGHT I'LL EXPECT YOU AT 9:00.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF JOHN CAN COME.

YOU KNOW, HE MAY BE WORKING.

THE FIREFLIES WON'T PARADE FOR JOHN.

MAYBE THEY WILL FOR NELLIE.

JULIE, YOU'RE INHIBITING ME.

OH, ELLIOTT, I WOULDN'T INHIBIT YOU,

EVEN IF I WAS SURE WHAT THAT MEANT.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M NOT COMING TO YOUR APARTMENT TONIGHT.

9:00. I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU.

COME ON. I WANT TO SEE THOSE FISH.

JULIE, IT'S HAPPENED! NELLIE HAS DONE IT!

DONE WHAT?

NOW, LET'S NOT LEAP TO CONCLUSIONS.

THE NEW YORK STAR HAS BOUGHT THE SERIAL RIGHTS TO MY BOOK.

WE'RE RICH!

COMPLIMENTS OF THE HOUSE.

LET'S DRINK TO NELLIE.

THANK YOU, CITIZEN.

I'D RECIPROCATE, ONLY I'M JUST AT THE BOILING POINT NOW.

ONE MORE AND I'D BUBBLE OVER.

ANYWAY, IT'S TIME TO GO HOME.

OH, JOHN WANTED TO DRINK CHAMPAGNE OUT OF MY SLIPPER,

BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM QUITE PRACTICAL WHAT WITH THE OPEN TOE AND ALL.

AFTER ALL, IT ISN'T THE CHAMPAGNE THAT COUNTS.

IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING, ISN'T IT?

OH, IT'S THE TRIUMPH OF PRINCIPLE!

IT'S A TRIUMPH OF PRINCIPLE OVER COMPROMISE.

TONIGHT WE CELEBRATE!

THE THREE OF US?

OH, AND ELLIOTT. WE MUSTN'T FORGET ELLIOTT.

I THINK HE'S PLANNED SOMETHING FOR TONIGHT.

NO CELEBRATING FOR LITTLE NELL.

SHE'S HEADED FOR HER TRUNDLE BED...

LONESOME, SPACIOUS...

WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW?

TOMORROW? TOMORROW?

OH, UM, IN THE AFTERNOON.

2 OR 3 HOURS OUGHT TO FINISH THE JOB.

GOOD-BYE, JULIE.

NELLIE'S SAYING GOOD-BYE TO YOU.

HMM? OH, GOOD-BYE.

HUH. SEE YOU SOON.

YEAH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, JULIE?

NOTHING'S THE MATTER.

WELL, THERE MUST BE.

THIS SHOULD BE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF OUR LIVES.

YOU BEHAVE AS IF THE WORLD HAD COME TO AN END.

DO I?

JOHN...

COME HERE.

NOW, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO. SIT DOWN RIGHT HERE.

ALWAYS HAPPY TO OBLIGE.

OH, I HAVE TO TAKE MY SHOES OFF.

YOUR FEET HURT?

I'D DO BETTER WITH OPEN TOES.

THERE. NOW PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME.

NO, NO, NO. CLOSER.

NICE?

WONDERFUL.

2 PEOPLE IN LOVE?

IF EVER THERE WERE TWO.

THEN WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF YOU CAME IN

AND FOUND ELLIOTT AND ME IN THIS POSITION?

NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

WHY NOT?

I COULDN'T.

GRANTED, NELLIE AND I HAPPENED TO BE IN THAT POSITION

WHEN YOU WALKED IN.

HAPPENED?

DID I MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS?

DID I TAKE MY ARM AWAY? DID I LOOK GUILTY?

NO. NOT EVEN THAT.

YOU SAT HERE LOOKING AS IF EVERYTHING WERE JUST TOO NORMAL

AND CASUAL FOR WORDS.

LET'S LOOK AT THIS RATIONALLY.

I DON'T WANT TO BE RATIONAL.

I KNOW. YOU WANT TO THROW COCONUTS.

WOULD IT DO ANY GOOD, DO YOU THINK,

IF I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO YOU JUST ONCE MORE-

JOHN, SO HELP ME, IF YOU READ ME ANYTHING

ABOUT THE CLEAR-EYED WOMAN OF TODAY WHO LIVES IN THAT BOOK...

THAT BOOK CAN HELP A LOT OF PEOPLE LIVE HAPPIER LIVES.

MAYBE IN TIME THEY WON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY TO LIVE HAPPIER LIVES.

MAYBE THEY'LL JUST SIT AROUND AND READ THE BOOK TO EACH OTHER.

JULIE, YOU'VE BEEN VERY LONELY.

AND WHAT'S WORSE, FOR THE PAST 3 OR 4 WEEKS,

YOU'VE FELT AS IF I HAVEN'T NEEDED YOU.

BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN ALL ALONG

THAT NELLIE WAS JUST SOMEBODY I WAS WORKING WITH

AND THAT I'VE LOVED YOU AND I'VE NEEDED YOU

JUST AS MUCH AS I ALWAYS HAVE.

IT ALWAYS WINDS UP LIKE THIS WITH ME FEELING LIKE A RAT!

I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE A RAT.

BUT I AM A RAT.

OHH...

JOHN...

YES.

ABOUT YOU AND NELLIE...

I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

BUT YOU'RE NOT SURE.

JOHN?

WELL?

COME DOWN AGAIN.

ARE YOU SURE?

COME ON DOWN.

PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME.

I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'RE SURE.

KISS ME.

WELL-YOU ARE SURE, AREN'T YOU?

SURE, I'M SURE.

I GUESS.

UH...

THIS IS THE SUBWAY, AND THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE SUBWAY:

THE SUBWAY DWELLERS.

WELL, WHERE DO THEY ALL GO TO? WHERE DO THEY ALL COME FROM?

UPTOWN OR DOWNTOWN.

THE LIFE OF THE SUBWAY DWELLER IS ALL UPS OR DOWNS.

OH.

THERE, UNLESS I MISS MY GUESS,

IS A TYPICAL SUBWAY SNAKE.

A WHAT?

A MASHER. HE MASHES WOMEN.

BEWARE OF THE SWEET-SMELLING MALE

WHO BUMPS INTO YOU IN THE SUBWAY AND SAYS,

"AIN'T I SEEN YOU SOMEWHERES BEFORE?"

I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM TRY. I'D POP HIM.

NO, THAT'S WRONG. EVERYBODY WOULD KNOW YOU'RE FROM THE COUNTRY.

DO IT THE BIG-CITY WAY. JUST LOOK AT HIM AND SAY, LOUDLY,

"LAY OFF, BUB, OR I'LL CALL A COP."

THE MAN JUST DISAPPEARS LIKE A CAB IN THE RAIN.

SAY, AIN'T I SEEN YOU SOMEWHERES BEFORE?

LAY OFF, BUB, OR I'LL CALL A COP.

I'M A COP, LADY.

IS THIS MONKEY BOTHERING YOU?

CERTAINLY NOT. I WAS- I MEAN, WE WERE-

HE WAS MOLESTING THE LADY, OFFICER. I SEEN HIM.

OH, DON'T BE A FOOL. THIS IS MY WIFE.

HE'S MY HUSBAND.

UNION SQUARE!

HE SAID, "AIN'T I SEEN YOU SOMEWHERES BEFORE?"

I HEARD HIM WITH MY OWN EARS.

YOU'VE GOT DIRTY EARS!

DID HE SAY THAT TO YOU, LADY?

YES, BUT HE DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY!

ALL RIGHT, COME ON!

I DEMAND THE RIGHT TO PROVE THAT I'M HER HUSBAND!

EXCUSE ME. I HAVE TO GET OFF! WAIT! HEY!

ALL RIGHT!

I WANT TO GET OUT!

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

NOW, DON'T GET EXCITED. WAIT A MINUTE.

WELL, I HAVE TO GO!

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET MIXED UP WITH THAT CHEAP FELLA.

YOU GOT TOO MUCH CLASS.

THEM SUBWAY MASHERS OUGHT TO GET LYNCHED.

WHAT WILL THEY DO TO HIM?

KICK HIM AROUND A LITTLE, MAYBE 30 DAYS IN THE CLINK.

WHERE DOES THIS TRAIN STOP NEXT? I'VE GOT TO GET BACK THERE!

HOW'S ABOUT YOU AND ME HAVING A LITTLE DRINK,

JUST TO CALM YOUR NERVES?

LAY OFF, BUB. I'LL CALL A COP.

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE OLD FRIENDS.

ARE YOU SURE I AIN'T SEEN YOU SOMEWHERE BEFORE?

LAY OFF, BUB. I'LL CALL A COP!

AREN'T THEY CUTE? THEY'RE PLAYING.

LAY OFF, BUB. I'LL CALL A COP!

IS THAT CLOCK RIGHT?

TO THE MINUTE, SIR.

MAY I ASK, SIR,

WERE YOU EXPECTING COMPANY THIS EVENING?

WHY? MOST BUTLERS LIKE AN EVENING OUT OCCASIONALLY.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON, SIR,

IN MY CASE,

I WOULD WELCOME AN OCCASIONAL EVENING IN.

IN FACT, SIR, I'M ALL IN FROM GOING OUT.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO GO OUT TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

I'M AFRAID IT'S THE DOORBELL, SIR.

WELL, ANSWER IT, MAN. ANSWER IT, ANSWER IT.

WELL, THIS IS A-

SURPRISE.

HELLO, NELLIE.

SORRY I'M NOT WHAT YOU WERE EXPECTING.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M EXPECTING ANYBODY?

WHAT MAKES ME THINK THAT DOGS LIKE LIVER?

I DON'T GET THE ANALOGY, BUT I EXPECT IT'S VERY CLEVER.

IT SO HAPPENS THAT YOU'RE WRONG. THERE'S NO ONE COMING.

YOU'RE RIGHT. SHE'S GONE OUT WITH HER HUSBAND.

UH... WHO-WHO HAS?

UH, THE LIVER.

WELL, VACATION IS OVER, MY FRIEND.

THE BOOK'S FINISHED. YOU AND I ARE GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

TO WORK.

I'VE BEEN AT THE OFFICE.

YES. 3 DAYS AGO TO CASH A CHECK.

YOU HAVE A PRETTY LOW OPINION OF ME, HAVEN'T YOU, NELLIE?

ODDLY ENOUGH, NO.

I FORMED MY OPINION OF YOU A LONG TIME AGO

BEFORE YOU HAD A PHOBIA TO HIDE IN.

I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE ONE OF THE SMARTEST,

MOST AMBITIOUS YOUNG MEN I'D EVER KNOWN.

THEN YOU GREW A BEARD.

I-

I RESENT YOUR ATTITUDE.

WELL, LET'S ADD THAT TO ALL THE OTHER THINGS YOU RESENT ABOUT ME.

AFTER ALL, I'M NOT ON TRIAL.

I SEE NO REASON WHY I SHOULD EXPLAIN TO YOU,

BUT YOU CAN TAKE MY WORD FOR IT-

I'M EXPECTING NO ONE, AND NO ONE'S COMING.

I, UH...

I WONDER WHO THAT CAN BE.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON, SIR,

IT'S MRS. HATHAWAY.

JUST-UH, WELL, THIS IS A SURPRISE.

WELL, UH, SHOW HER IN.

BRIGHTON, ASK HER TO WAIT A MOMENT.

NOW, YOU SAID YOURSELF SHE WAS OUT WITH HER HUSBAND.

SHE PROBABLY PUSHED HIM IN FRONT OF A TAXICAB

JUST SO SHE COULD BE HERE WITH YOU.

WHAT IS IT YOU'VE GOT-

HYPNOTISM, YOGA, OR DO YOU DROP THINGS IN THEIR COFFEE?

I'M SURE I CAN'T HELP IT-

I'M SURE YOU CAN'T.

IT'S PROBABLY YOUR UNUTTERABLE CHEAPNESS THAT GETS THEM.

CHEAPNESS?

OH, I WON'T ELABORATE ON IT.

WELL, I THINK I'LL GO OUT THROUGH THE KITCHEN, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, I PREFER THE BACK DOOR.

NOW, NELLIE, WAIT.

WAIT. I WON'T HAVE YOU SNEAK OUT THE BACK DOOR.

THAT DOOR WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY.

"THROUGH THOSE PORTALS PASSED THE MOST NAUSEATED GIRL IN THE WORLD."

OH, ELLIOTT-

OH, I'M SO SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING.

THE LONG-DISTANCE TELEPHONE, THEY, UH...

JULIE, YOU'VE COME AFTER ALL.

JOHN'S BEEN ARRESTED.

LET THE REST OF THE WORLD FIND EXCUSES FOR US.

WE'LL FACE THEM UNASHAMED.

I'M NOT MAKING ANY EXCUSES. JOHN'S IN JAIL!

UH, YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.

YES.

WHAT FOR?

SUBWAY MASHING.

WHY, THAT BEAST!

HE WAS ARRESTED FOR MASHING ME.

I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO THEM, BUT THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME A CHANCE.

WELL, DO SOMETHING! GO FIND OUT WHERE HE IS! GET HIM OUT!

YOU KNOW, COME TO THINK OF IT,

A NIGHT IN JAIL MIGHT PROVE INVALUABLE

TO A MAN OF JOHN'S TYPE.

AN INTERESTING PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPERIENCE.

I WANT MY HUSBAND!

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THEY'LL LET HIM OUT IN THE MORNING.

I WANT HIM NOW! IF I CAN'T GET HELP FROM YOU, I'LL GO SOMEPLACE ELSE AND FIND-

OH, NOW, NOW. ALL RIGHT, NOW.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE SELFISH ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL PHONE FREDDIE BOND.

HE'S MY LAWYER. HE'LL FIX THINGS.

UM...

UH, LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU GO STAND OVER THERE BY THE FIRE.

THE WARMTH WILL DO YOU GOOD.

WHAT FIRE?

OH. THAT'S SILLY.

I ALWAYS KEEP IMAGINING

THERE'S A FIREPLACE IN THE ROOM.

UH, HELLO. FREDDIE?

WHEN YOU HEAR THE TONE,

THE TIME WILL BE 9:39 AND ONE QUARTER.

UH, THIS IS ELLIOTT SPEAKING.

YES. WELL, UH, LOOK, UH, FREDDIE,

MRS. HATHAWAY IS HERE.

IT SEEMS HER HUSBAND HAS BEEN ARRESTED

FOR SUBWAY MASHING.

WHEN YOU HEAR THE TONE,

THE TIME WILL BE 9:39 AND ONE HALF.

UH, WHERE WAS HE ARRESTED?

THEY TOOK HIM OFF AT UNION SQUARE.

AND TELL FREDDIE I WANT TO GO WITH HIM WHEN THEY GET JOHN OUT.

SHH! SHH! WH-WHAT?

OH, YOU-YOU DON'T WANT JULIE?

UH, YOU WANT US TO WAIT RIGHT HERE FOR YOU, HUH?

YEAH. RIGHT.

RIGHT. WE'LL WAIT.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE'LL GET BUSY ON IT IMMEDIATELY.

OF COURSE, IT MAY TAKE QUITE A WHILE,

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST MAKE OURSELVES COMFORTABLE AND RELAX?

NOW, HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME HAVING A LITTLE DRINK

TO CALM YOUR NERVES, HMM?

LAY OFF, BUB, OR I'LL CALL A COP.

YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.

OH, IT'S YOU.

SHELLEY, ELLIOTT'S GIVING A PARTY,

AND HE WANTS YOU TO COME TO THE APARTMENT RIGHT AWAY.

OH, I KNOW IT'S LATE,

BUT IT'S A COME-AS-YOU-ARE PARTY. THAT'S THE FUN OF IT.

YOU'RE TO COME WEARING WHATEVER YOU HAVE ON RIGHT NOW.

WELL, PUT ON SOME PAJAMAS.

ALL RIGHT. BORROW SOME.

GOOD-BYE.

EHH!

YES, SURROUNDED THOUGH I AM

BY BAUBLES AND TINSEL,

AT HEART, I'M JUST A LONESOME LITTLE BOY.

JUST A LONESOME LITTLE BOY.

IT'S GETTING LATE, AND I'M SLEEPY, TOO.

WHAT'S KEEPING FREDDIE? WHY DON'T THEY COME?

WELL, JULIE, WE CAN'T CHANGE

THE LAWS OF THE COUNTRY ALL AT ONCE

JUST BECAUSE IT'S YOUR HUSBAND.

30 DAYS. HE HASN'T EVEN GOT A TOOTHBRUSH.

WELL, THE SERGEANT WILL LOAN HIM ONE.

WHAT IF THAT COFFEE'S TOO HOT?

OH, I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, JULIE.

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ARRESTED.

JOHN IS NOT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE

STOP FOLLOWING ME. SIT DOWN.

I WOULD SIT DOWN IF I COULD, BUT I CAN'T.

IT'S MY OLD KATHISOPHOBIA.

IT'S COME BACK ON ME.

WHAT HAS?

IT'S A PHOBIA AGAINST SITTING DOWN.

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS MY NERVES MUST BE ALL SHOT.

OH. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD NERVES IN THE-

I MEAN, I DIDN'T KNOW

NERVES COULD KEEP YOU FROM SITTING DOWN.

YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR.

NO. I DON'T NEED A DOCTOR, JULIE.

I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

I'VE GOT TO GET AWAY,

AWAY FROM THE CONFUSION AND TURMOIL OF THE CITY.

I WANT JOHN. I-

JULIE, I HAVE A LITTLE PLACE IN THE ADIRONDACKS

ON AN ISLAND ALL BY ITSELF. IT-

EXCUSE ME.

IT'S PRIMITIVE, WILD. NO PEOPLE, NO PHONES.

A PARADI... ADISE...

A- A PARADISE, UNSPOILED BY CIVILIZATION

WITH ALL MODERN CONVENIENCES.

WE COULD BE THERE IN 3 HOURS

IF WE LEFT...

IT'S CATCHING, ISN'T IT?

OK. I GIVE UP.

GIVE UP WHAT?

FORGET IT. YOU'RE A GOOD GIRL, JULIE.

BOY, ARE YOU A GOOD GIRL.

AND YOU'RE YOUR HUSBAND'S WIFE.

NOW, LET ME CONFESS SOMETHING TO YOU.

IT'S JOHN!

NO! NO, IT ISN'T. IT CAN'T BE.

WHY NOT?

WELL... IT'S NOT TIME YET. JULIE! JULIE, WAIT!

JULIE, LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU.

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS OBSCENE CHARADE?

DID YOU THINK THIS UP? IT'S PERFECTLY GRAND.

WE WERE JUST SITTING DOWN TO A HAND OF BRIDGE.

WELL, HOW DO YOU DO?

WAIT! WH-WHAT IS ALL THIS?

WE'RE FROM THE PIGEON CLUB.

WE WERE TOLD TO BRING HIM HERE JUST AS HE WAS.

HERE HE IS.

HELLO, EVERYBODY. HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

OH, I'M FINE, THANKS. FINE, THANK YOU.

GET OUT OF HERE.

WHY?

DON'T ASK QUESTIONS. JUST GET OUT.

I WILL NOT. THERE'S MRS. HATHAWAY.

MRS. HATHAWAY, I LOVE YOU!

FREDDIE!

FREDDIE, WHERE'S JOHN?

JULIE, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

DIDN'T YOU FIND HIM?

I WASN'T LOOKING. IS IT A TREASURE HUNT?

JULIE, IF YOU'LL JUST LET ME EXPLAIN-

PLEASE STOP JOKING, FREDDIE. YOU KNOW ELLIOTT PHONED YOU

AND TOLD YOU TO GO FIND JOHN. HE'S IN JAIL.

HE DID NOT PHONE ME. WHO SAYS HE PHONED ME?

THE MAN'S BEEN DRINKING.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT TIME DID YOU PHONE?

NOW, LOOK. I REFUSE TO ENTER INTO A DRUNKEN ARGUMENT.

WHAT TIME DID YOU PHONE?

3 HOURS AGO.

WHERE WAS I?

UH, WHERE WERE YOU?

HOME?

WRONG. I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME IN 3 DAYS.

W- WAIT A MINUTE. YOU DIALED, BUT...

THAT'S WHY YOU ASKED ME TO STAND BY THE FIRE.

WHAT FIRE?

YOU DIDN'T TELEPHONE FREDDIE AT ALL. IT WAS JUST A CHEAP TRICK.

WHAT FIRE?

YOU'D LET JOHN ROT IN JAIL

WHILE YOU KEEP ME HERE PLAYING GAMES. COME ON, FREDDIE.

WE'RE GOING TO A FIRE?

WE'RE GOING TO FIND JOHN.

JULIE, IF YOU'LL JUST LET ME EXPLAIN-

YOU'LL EXPLAIN, ALL RIGHT, BUT NOT TO ME.

YOU'LL EXPLAIN TO JOHN,

AND WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH, HE'LL KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF.

COME ON. COME ON.

TELL ME, MY HEAVY-HANDED LOTHARIO,

WHY WAS PROFESSOR HATHAWAY ARRESTED,

AND WHY DO YOU LOOK SO FOOLISH?

BECAUSE I FEEL FOOLISH.

THE SITUATION IS PREGNANT WITH POSSIBILITIES.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS A COME-AS-YOU-ARE PARTY.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU A TELEPHONE IN EACH HAND

AND A KNIFE IN YOUR TEETH?

MY KNIFE IS BUSY ELSEWHERE.

IT'S IN YOUR BACK. HA HA HA.

YOU CAN STAY A WHILE, CAN'T YOU?

LET ME TAKE YOUR WRAP, HMM?

THANK YOU.

YOU CAN ADD IT TO ALL THE OTHER WRAPS

YOU'VE BEEN TAKING.

HA HA. NOT BAD.

OH, NO.

NOT BAD AT ALL.

MAY I SHOW YOU TO THE STUDY?

WE CAN BE ALONE THERE.

I'D LIKE TO BE ALONE WITH YOU.

AND I WITH YOU.

HA HA HA.

COME ON.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO SWALLOW THE KEY?

NOW, DON'T EVADE THE ISSUE.

I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION FOR ALL THIS!

YOU DEMAND? HA HA HA!

WELL, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING TO LAUGH AT.

DON'T YOU?

NO. NO, I GUESS YOU WOULDN'T.

AND JUST WHAT DO YOU DEMAND AN EXPLANATION OF?

WHY IS MY HOME FILLED AT THIS UNEARTHLY HOUR

BY THESE CHEAP SECOND-RATE GRAFTERS?

HO HO!

QUIET. THERE'S MORE COMING.

NOT FOR ME THERE ISN'T.

I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.

YEAH. ME, TOO. TOMORROW I'M GETTING A NEW PUBLISHER.

NELLIE - THE WORKING GIRL'S FRIEND.

SO YOU THREW A LITTLE RESCUE PARTY

FOR JULIE, HUH?

PARTLY. ALSO A FAREWELL PARTY FOR ME.

HAIL AND FAREWELL TO NELLIE HERE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FAREWELL? FAREWELL TO WHAT?

ELLIOTT MORGAN, INC. AND IN THE FLESH.

MORGAN THE PUBLISHER

AND MORGAN, FORGIVE MY GIRLISH LAUGHTER, THE MAN.

NELLIE, YOU-

YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

TO ME. TO ME. I'M NOT DOING THIS TO ANYBODY.

I'M DOING THIS FOR MYSELF.

WHY, YOU- YOU DON'T DARE.

I... I-I'D GO TO PIECES.

YOU KNOW I'M NEUROTIC.

NEUROTIC, MY FOOT. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU

THAT COULDN'T BE CURED WITH A GOOD SWIFT KICK IN THE EGO.

YOU'RE NO MORE NEUROTIC THAN A PRETZEL.

YOU'RE A FUGITIVE FROM A PAIR OF CARPET SLIPPERS,

A COMMONPLACE DOMESTICATED GUY

THAT WANTS TO TAKE OFF HIS SHOES, OVEREAT AT DINNER,

AND CURL UP IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE WITH A GOOD BOOK.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO COME OUT FROM BEHIND THAT BEARD,

BUT YOU WON'T.

WELL, I'M TIRED.

I'VE BEEN RIDING ON THAT MERRY-GO-ROUND LONG ENOUGH,

AND I'M DIZZY.

LITTLE NELLIE WANTS TO GET OFF.

GIVE ME THAT KEY.

NO.

GIVE IT TO ME. I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE.

NELLIE, I- I FEEL FOOLISH.

AGAIN, PLEASE?

I FEEL SILLY, AS IF I'D BEEN CAUGHT MAKING MUD PIES

WITH SOME BACKWARD CHILDREN.

WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I WON'T TELL ON YOU.

NO. I REALLY MEAN THAT.

NELLIE, WHETHER YOU QUIT OR NOT,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M TERRIBLY ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

SINCE WHEN DID YOU SEE THE LIGHT?

SINCE YOU AND JOHN HAVE BEEN WORKING TOGETHER.

SINCE YOU AND JULIE HAVE BEEN "WORKING TOGETHER."

YOU SEE, AT FIRST, SHE INTRIGUED ME,

AND THEN SHE BEWILDERED ME,

AND THEN SHE GOT ME MAD, AND... AND...

AND THEN?

WELL, AND THEN... I FELT SILLY.

I SAW WHAT HAD BECOME OF ME.

HERE WAS A NORMAL, HONEST YOUNG WOMAN

IN LOVE WITH HER HUSBAND,

AND HERE WAS A FAKE SOPHISTICATE

WHO NEEDED A BEARD LIKE HE NEEDED A CARBUNCLE

TRYING TO DEVELOP SOME FAKE CHARM. FOR WHAT?

YOU TELL ME.

I... I CAN'T.

IF YOU'RE LYING...

I'LL KILL YOU AND GO TO THE CHAIR

WITH A SONG ON MY LIPS.

NO. YOU WON'T HAVE TO.

I NEED YOU TOO MUCH, NELLIE.

YOU... YOU NEED ME?

IT'S LIKE OFFERING YOU A LIFE CONTRACT

AS NURSEMAID AND KEEPER, BUT...

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

WHY, NELLIE, I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU CRY BEFORE.

THAT'S WHY YOU'VE GOT IT OVER MY PILLOW.

NOW, LOOK. WE'LL GET MARRIED TOMORROW.

NO, BUT I'VE GOT TO SEE JOHN. THE BOOK IS-

OH... THE BOOK CAN WAIT.

LOOK, WE'LL GO UP TO MY LITTLE ISLAND

FOR OUR HONEYMOON, JUST THE TWO OF US, AND...

OH, NO. NO, WE CAN'T GO TO THE ISLAND YET.

WHY NOT?

WELL, YOU SEE, I'VE HAD IT FOR SO MANY YEARS,

IT'S KIND OF CROWDED WITH MEMORIES.

YEAH. SO IS MY HOPE CHEST.

WELL, NOW, LOOK. YOU KEEP YOUR DATE WITH JOHN TOMORROW,

AND I'LL GO UP TO THE ISLAND ALONE,

AND I'LL BURN EVERYTHING

THAT'S HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY LIFE UP TO THIS MINUTE.

MUST BE AN ENORMOUS FIREPLACE.

HA HA. IT'S BIG ENOUGH.

MM-HMM.

JOHN. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET

A MAN LIKE THAT PUBLISH YOUR BOOK.

HE'S A LOW, TRICKY SNAKE.

BUT I'VE GOT A CONTRACT WITH HIM,

AND THE LAW SAYS THAT A CONTRACT, EVEN WITH A SNAKE,

IS VALID IF YOU BOTH SIGNED IT.

WOULD IT INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT WHEN YOU WERE ARRESTED,

I WENT TO HIM FOR HELP,

THAT HE TRICKED ME INTO STAYING IN HIS APARTMENT

BY MAKING A FAKE PHONE CALL TO FREDDIE BOND,

AND THAT HE INVITED ME

TO HIS ISLAND IN THE MOUNTAINS WITHOUT YOU?

HA HA HA!

WELL, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS SO FUNNY. I TOLD HIM SO.

I SAID YOU'D BE BACK TO KNOCK HIS BLOCK OFF.

NO, JULIE. YOU DIDN'T.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO DO, LAUGH MERRILY

AND GO OFF IN THE WOODS WITH HIM?

I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR BEHAVIOR

FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW,

BUT THERE'S A LOT MORE TO THIS THAN YOU KNOW.

YOU SEE, ELLIOTT WAS PASSING THROUGH A CRISIS,

JUST AS HE WOULD IN ANY OTHER ILLNESS.

BY NOW, HE'S PROBABLY OVER IT

AND FEELING THOROUGHLY ASHAMED OF HIMSELF.

I WANT TO HEAR HIM SAY HE HIS,

AND I WANT TO HEAR HIM SAY IT TO YOU.

AND IF HE DOESN'T SAY IT, YOU HIT HIM.

JULIE, GROWN-UP INTELLIGENT MEN

DON'T HIT EACH OTHER.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, THERE ARE PHYSICAL REASONS.

ONLY IN THE MOVIES DO MEN FIGHT WITH THE EFFICIENCY

AND STAMINA OF HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONS.

IN REALITY, ELLIOTT AND I

ARE IN NO CONDITION TO FIGHT.

WE HAVEN'T FOUGHT FOR YEARS.

YOU EXERCISE EVERY MORNING.

FOR HEALTH, NOT FOR FIGHTING.

I'D GLADLY LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR YOU, JULIE,

IF IT WERE NECESSARY.

HOWEVER, HITTING ELLIOTT WOULD NOT ONLY BE POINTLESS,

BUT IT WOULD BE A VIOLATION

OF EVERY PRINCIPLE THAT I HAVE.

IT WOULD BE THE MOST VICIOUS EXPRESSION OF JEALOUSY.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT, WOULD YOU?

YES, I WOULD!

AND BESIDES, IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR TO HIM.

I'M BEGINNING TO THINK I OWE HIM AN APOLOGY.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS PARTIALLY MY FAULT.

YOUR FAULT?

IN A WAY.

I THOUGHT THAT SEEING A LOT OF YOU

WOULD BE GOOD FOR ELLIOTT.

I THOUGHT THAT A WELL-BALANCED, DISCIPLINED WOMAN

LIKE YOURSELF-

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE!

YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU PRESCRIBED ME FOR ELLIOTT?

YOU'RE PUTTING IT IN ITS WORST LIGHT.

I MERELY THOUGHT THAT IN AS MUCH AS I'D BE WORKING-

WHY, YOU... YOU... YOU ESKIMO!

ESKIMO?

DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT ESKIMOS, PROFESSOR?

ESKIMOS LOAN THEIR WIVES TO OTHER ESKIMOS.

JULIE, YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF CONTROL AGAIN.

YOU'RE BEING JUST AS UNREASONABLE

AS YOU WERE THIS AFTERNOON ABOUT NELLIE.

I DIDN'T LOAN YOU TO NELLIE.

YOU WANDERED INTO HER IGLOO RIGHT BY YOURSELF.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE

ABOUT THAT UNFORGIVABLE CRIME CALLED JEALOUSY.

I WENT OUT DANCING WITH A MAN ONCE,

AND ANOTHER MAN GOT FRESH WITH ME,

AND THE MAN I WAS WITH POPPED HIM RIGHT IN THE NOSE,

AND HE DIDN'T STOP TO THINK HOW LONG IT HAD BEEN

SINCE HE LAST FOUGHT, EITHER, AND MAYBE HE WASN'T INTELLIGENT,

BUT HE WAS A MAN, AND HIS NAME WAS BOB JORDAN.

WHO'S BOB JORDAN?

YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHO BOB JORDAN IS!

THAT WAS THE NIGHT I SAID I'D MARRY HIM.

OH, YES, YES. THE FELLOW WITH THE LUMBERYARD.

WITH THE FILLING STATION!

OH, YES. YES. POOR FELLOW.

JULIE, LET ME MAKE A FEW POINTS CLEAR-

NO, LET ME MAKE A FEW POINTS CLEAR TO YOU.

JOHN, YOU'VE RUN YOUR LIFE, AND YOU'VE TRIED TO RUN OUR LIFE

ON RULES AND PRINCIPLES THAT YOU FIGURED OUT.

THAT WAS PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT WITH ME.

I DIDN'T KNOW HALF THE TIME WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.

BUT I LOVED YOU AND YOU LOVED ME, AND THAT WAS THAT.

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, JULIE.

SURE YOU DO. YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE CHAPTER ABOUT IT IN THAT BOOK OF YOURS.

LET ME READ THAT TO-

YOUR LOVE FOR ME IS MADE OUT OF PAPER WITH PRINTING ON IT.

MY LOVE CAN'T EVEN READ, SO WHAT GOOD ARE THEY TOGETHER?

YOU'VE GOT A GREAT BOOK, JOHN, AND A GREAT SYSTEM,

BUT IT'S GOT NO BLOOD. IT'S GOT NO HEART.

AND YOU, YOU'VE STOPPED BEING THE AUTHOR OF IT.

YOU'RE TRYING TO CRAWL IN BETWEEN THE COVERS AND TAKE ITS PLACE,

AND I WON'T HAVE IT!

I'M PRETTY SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR NOT KNOWING

WHO BOB JORDAN IS.

JOHN...

ISN'T THAT BOB JORDAN?

OH, JOHN...

JOHN.

HUH?

HUH? WHAT? WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT?

WHAT?

HEARTBURN?

"OF ALL MARITAL VICES,

"THE MOST MALE...

"MALE... UH, MALEFIC

"IS THE DELIBERATE PROVOKING OF ONE SPOUSE OF JEALOUSY

"ON THE PART OF THE OTHER.

"IT IS NOT ONLY MALEFIC BUT DELE...

DELETERIOUS TO MARRIAGE ITSELF."

MALEFIC. DELETERIOUS.

UH, MRS. HATHAWAY?

YES. WHERE ARE YOU?

UH, THESE ARE FOR YOU.

OH!

SIGN HERE, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

OH, JOHN!

I'M SHAVING.

I WON'T BE A MINUTE. I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

ALL RIGHT.

LOOK WHAT I GOT.

AREN'T THEY PRETTY? WHO ARE THEY FROM? ELLIOTT?

OH, UH, YES.

REMORSE. FROM THE QUANTITY,

HE MUST BE FEELING PARTICULARLY GUILTY.

WHAT DOES THE CARD SAY?

OH, WHAT DOES THE CARD SAY? OH, NOTHING.

NOTHING, JUST THAT HE WANTS ME TO FORGIVE HIM.

ARE YOU GOING TO?

WHY NOT? OF COURSE. IT WASN'T ELLIOTT'S FAULT.

HE'S A SICK MAN.

HE HAS NO EMOTIONAL DISCIPLINE.

HMM.

OH, JOHN.

HUH?

I THOUGHT I'D GO LOOK FOR OUR NEW APARTMENT TODAY.

YOU CAN'T GO, CAN YOU?

I WISH I COULD, BUT I CAN'T.

I GOT SOME WORK TO FINISH UP THIS MORNING,

AND NELLIE'S COMING THIS AFTERNOON.

WELL, THEN, IF YOU HAVE TO WORK ALL DAY,

AND SINCE I'VE HAD MY BREAKFAST-

YOURS IS ON THE TABLE-

I'LL JUST RUN ALONG.

YEAH. WHY DON'T YOU?

YOU PICK OUT THE ONE YOU LIKE.

BE ALL RIGHT WITH ME. USE YOUR OWN JUDGMENT.

OH, YOU KNOW I HAVE NO JUDGMENT, DARLING.

YOU DO THE THINKING FOR BOTH OF US.

DON'T BE GONE TOO LONG.

WELL, YOU CAN'T TELL HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE

TO FIND WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

JOHN, WHAT DOES "MALEFIC" MEAN?

IT MEANS "EVIL," "BAD." WHY?

WHAT DOES "DELETERIOUS" MEAN?

MEANS THE SAME AS "MALEFIC." WHY?

DO YOU THINK I'M MALEFIC AND DELETERIOUS?

HA! YOU COULDN'T BE IF YOU WANTED TO BE.

OH, YOU'RE SWEET.

OW! OW!

COME IN!

GOOD MORNING, MY FRIEND.

MORNING.

SALUTATIONS, FELICITATIONS,

AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING. WHERE'S JULIE?

APARTMENT HUNTING.

VOILA! FINI! THE END!

IN A WAY, IT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.

THE BOOK IS FINISHED, BUT IS IT GOOD?

OH, IT'S WONDERFUL.

YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL BUY IT?

IT'S WONDERFUL!

ISN'T IT A LOVELY SUNNY DAY OUTSIDE?

LOVELY AND SUNNY!

NELLIE, ARE YOU SICK?

OH, IN A WAY.

YOU DRUNK?

IN A WAY. OH, JOHN, I'VE HOOKED HIM.

ELLIOTT?

WE'RE GOING TO BE MARRIED IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

OH, YOU WERE SO RIGHT.

HE SAID THAT HE NEEDED ME.

WHY, OF COURSE, I WAS RIGHT.

OF COURSE HE NEEDED YOU. CONGRATULATIONS!

SAY, I GOT SOME CHAMPAGNE LEFT. PROBABLY FLAT BY NOW.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE STUFF WITHOUT THE BUBBLES.

I'VE GOT ENOUGH BUBBLES IN ME

FOR ALL THE FLAT CHAMPAGNE IN THE WORLD.

TELEGRAM FOR MR. HATHAWAY.

THANK YOU. IT'S FOR YOU!

OPEN IT, WILL YOU?

GOT TO WHIRL THE CHAMPAGNE COLD AND DIZZY.

AH!

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

REMEMBER ME, THE BRIDE THE SUN SHINES ON?

WELL, THE SUN'S TURNED WET.

EVERYTHING'S TURNED WET.

WELL, WHAT IS IT, NELLIE?

"I'VE DECIDED TO GO TO ELLIOTT'S ISLAND.

KNOW YOU WON'T MIND. LOVE, JULIE."

LET ME SEE THAT.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

JULIE WENT APARTMENT HUNTING.

WHY WOULD SHE SEND ME A WIRE LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO BE UPSET

WHILE SHE'S HUNTING.

WHY SHOULD SHE GO TO ELLIOTT'S ISLAND?

BECAUSE IT'S A HAPPY HUNTING GROUND.

OH, NOW, DON'T GO LEAPING TO CONCLUSIONS ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE IDEA IS FANTASTIC.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, THERE'S HIS BEARD.

NO MAN WITH A BEARD COULD ATTRACT JULIE.

WHY? OR IS IT A LONG STORY?

YES, IT IS A LONG STORY, SO JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

WHO SENT THE FLOWERS?

OR IS THAT A LONG STORY, TOO?

ELLIOTT. THIS MORNING.

WHERE'S THE CARD?

SHE THREW IT AWAY IN THERE.

GO SEE IF THERE'S AN OVERNIGHT BAG MISSING.

OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

LOOK, I'M NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST.

I'M JUST A BRIDE BEING STOOD UP AT THE ALTAR.

NOW GO SEE IF HER BAG IS MISSING.

WELL, THERE IS A BAG MISSING, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S THAT, BUBBA. COME ON.

COME ON WHERE?

TO THE ISLAND.

NONSENSE. THAT'S JUST WHAT JULIE WANTS.

SHE'S PROBABLY GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT

THAT IF SHE GOES TO THE ISLAND, LETS ME KNOW ABOUT IT,

I'LL GET JEALOUS AND FOLLOW.

WELL?

I'M NOT JEALOUS, AND I'M NOT GOING TO FOLLOW.

DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU'D LET YOUR WIFE

WANDER ABOUT A LONELY ISLAND

WITH A MAN LIKE ELLIOTT AND NOT GET JEALOUS?

OH, JOHN, MY CAR'S DOWNSTAIRS.

NELLIE.

DON'T YOU TRUST ELLIOTT?

CERTAINLY NOT!

WELL, THEN, HOW CAN YOU MARRY A MAN YOU DON'T TRUST?

I'D ONLY MARRY A MAN I COULDN'T TRUST.

BUT FOR THE PAST 3 WEEKS, YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON A BOOK

THAT SAYS TRUST IS THE BASIS OF MODERN MARRIAGE.

IT ELIMINATES JEALOUSY.

AND WHO WANTS TO ELIMINATE JEALOUSY?

WELL, DON'T YOU?

I LOVE IT! HOW COULD I KNOW THAT I WANTED A MAN

IF I DIDN'T HATE EVERYBODY ELSE WHO WANTED HIM?

HOW COULD I BE JEALOUS

IF I COULDN'T BE JEALOUS?

BUT THE BOOK SAYS-

THE BOOK! THE BOOK! YOU TALK AS IF IT WERE RELIGION.

AND YOU TALK AS IF YOU WERE JULIE.

OH, LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT IT AT ALL ANYMORE.

LET'S GET UP TO THAT ISLAND.

YES. BY ALL MEANS, LET'S GET UP TO THAT ISLAND.

BUT I'M NOT GOING UP AFTER JULIE.

I'M GOING UP TO GET THAT CONTRACT CANCELED. I WANT MY BOOK BACK.

YOU CAN TELL ELLIOTT ALL ABOUT IT. NOW, COME ON.

THERE'S SUCH A THING AS SELF-RESPECT. THERE'S SUCH A THING AS PRINCIPLE.

AND THERE'S SUCH A THING AS BEING TOO LATE.

MAYBE YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT JULIE. MAYBE THIS IS JUST A TEST.

MAYBE WE'RE A COUPLE OF GUINEA PIGS.

DO GUINEA PIGS TRUST EACH OTHER, PROFESSOR? COME ON.

COME IN. COME IN. COME IN.

ARE YOU CAPTAIN MAKEPEACE LIVERIGHT?

THAT I AM.

THE TAXI DRIVER SAID YOU COULD TAKE ME ACROSS

TO MR. MORGAN'S ISLAND.

THAT I CAN. THAT I CAN.

BUT MR. ELLIOTT DIDN'T THINK YOU'D BE COMING OUT TONIGHT.

NO. HE DIDN'T.

NO. HE EXPECTED YOU TOMORROW MORNING.

IN A WAY, I'M NOT EXPECTED AT ALL.

I'M DROPPING IN.

FROM NEW YORK?

FROM... YES.

YES. IT'S QUITE A LONG DROP FROM NEW YORK TO HERE.

WELL, I GUESS WE'D BETTER GET GOING

BEFORE IT BLOWS UP ANY WORSE.

DOGGONE RAIN. I'VE BEEN HERE A LONG TIME, BUT I...

JUST FOLLOW THAT PATH THROUGH THE TREES.

YOU CAN'T MISS THE HOUSE.

AND LOOK OUT YOU DON'T GET HIT BY LIGHTNING.

I'M PRETTY FAST ON MY FEET.

H- HELLO?

ELLIOTT?

SILLY, ROMANTIC LITTLE GIRL.

AND NOW FOR THE BIG $2.00 QUESTION.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS THE PRESENT

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:

THOMAS JEFFERSON, FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT, MICKEY ROONEY?

AAH!

DON'T YOU DARE COME IN HERE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

MY CLOTHES ARE ALL WET. I'M TAKING THEM OFF.

WELL, PUT THEM RIGHT BACK ON AGAIN AND GET OUT OF HERE!

I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

I MEAN OFF THIS ISLAND!

HELLO, ELLIOTT.

AH!

JULIE.

JULIE, THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO GO STAND BY THE FIRE

WHILE YOU MADE A PHONE CALL?

THAT WAS A LIFETIME AGO.

IT WAS LAST NIGHT.

WELL, LAST NIGHT WAS A LIFETIME.

NELLIE AND I ARE GOING TO BE MARRIED.

OH, HOW WONDERFUL! I'M SO GLAD FOR HER SAKE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FOR HER SAKE?

WHY, I'M THE LUCKIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

WELL, OF COURSE YOU ARE.

IT'S JUST THAT NELLIE FINALLY MADE IT.

SHH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMEONE COMING.

WHO?

JUST JOHN.

JOHN.

OH, JOHN. OH.

OH, WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

YOU CAME UP HERE TOGETHER.

OH, NO. NO. BUT HE'LL FOLLOW ME.

I SENT HIM A WIRE TELLING HIM I WAS UP HERE.

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

TO MAKE HIM JEALOUS, TO TEST HIS LOVE-

GET YOUR CLOTHES ON! THIS IS A PRIVATE HOME, NOT A TESTING GROUND!

WHERE'S CAPTAIN MAKEPEACE?

HE'S GONE BACK TO THE MAINLAND.

OH, IF NELLIE EVER HEARS ABOUT THIS, I-

I'VE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE!

OH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

THERE'S A SEARCHLIGHT ON THE ROOF.

I'M GOING TO SIGNAL CAPTAIN MAKEPEACE

TO COME BACK HERE AND PICK YOU UP.

NOW GET YOUR CLOTHES ON.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I HAVE JUST FALLEN DOWN STAIRS.

THAT WAS A SILLY THING TO DO.

I ALWAYS FALL DOWN STAIRS. IT'S FUN.

THIS STORM MUST HAVE PUT THE POWERHOUSE

OUT OF COMMISSION.

THE LIGHTS WILL COME ON AGAIN.

THEY WILL NOT.

OH, YES, THEY WILL.

LOOK. I LIVE HERE, AND I OUGHT TO KNOW

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT.

IN A STORM LIKE THIS, THEY STAY OUT!

SMARTY-PANTS.

NOW THEY PROBABLY WON'T COME ON AGAIN.

SHUT UP!

WELL, YOU DON'T NEED TO GET NASTY ABOUT IT.

I DIDN'T WRECK THE POWERHOUSE.

NO, BUT YOU COULD.

NOW, WHERE ARE THOSE MATCHES?

MATCHES.

I'VE GOT SOME.

WELL, COME ON OVER HERE AND LIGHT THIS LAMP.

RIGHT HERE. RIGHT HERE. I'M HOLDING IT.

AAH!

OH! MY BEARD! I'M ON FIRE! OH!

WELL, WHAT DID YOU STICK IT IN THE LAMP FOR?

LOOK. GET INTO THAT BEDROOM

WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

LOCK THE DOOR AND THROW THE KEY OUT OF THE WINDOW.

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN JOHN GETS HERE?

HE'LL FIND ME IN MY BEDROOM

WITH THE DOOR LOCKED...

DOUBLE-BOLTED AND BARRICADED! GOOD NIGHT!

ELLIOTT?

ELLIOTT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHERE DID YOU PUT THE SUGAR?

NOT IN MY BEDROOM. GET OUT!

WHAT'S THAT NOISE? IS THERE A DOG IN THERE?

NO. JUST ME.

STOP MAKING NOISES AND GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM.

I'M CRYING, YOU BIG APE!

WELL, STOP IT!

WAIT UNTIL JOHN GETS HERE,

AND WE'LL ALL HAVE A GOOD CRY.

OH!

NOW WHAT?

THAT'S WHAT I'M CRYING ABOUT.

WHAT IS?

JOHN WON'T GET HERE. HE'S NOT COMING HERE.

I THOUGHT YOU SENT HIM AN INVITATION.

PROBABLY NEVER EVEN READ IT.

HE AND NELLIE PROBABLY STARTED TO WORK

ON THAT OLD BOOK AND NEVER EVEN OPENED IT.

WHAT DROPPED?

MY HEART.

OH.

DID YOU SAY THAT NELLIE WAS WITH HIM WHEN HE GOT THAT WIRE?

SHE MUST HAVE BEEN. THEY WERE GOING TO WORK.

WHAT? GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM!

WHAT DO WE CARE WHAT NELLIE THINKS?

SHE'S THE LEAST OF MY TROUBLES.

SOMEDAY WE'RE GOING TO SIT DOWN

AND HAVE A NICE LONG TALK ABOUT YOUR TROUBLES.

JOHN, YOU'VE COME!

WHERE'S ELLIOTT?

WHAT DO YOU DO, COLLECT HUSBANDS?

OH, JOHN!

COME OUT, YOU WORM, AND COME OUT TALKING!

OH, DARLING, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

I'M SURE YOU CAN. BESIDES, YOUR BEING HERE ISN'T IMPORTANT.

COME OUT OF THERE, ELLIOTT. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

IT ISN'T IMPORTANT?!

I'M NOT COMING OUT

UNTIL EVERYBODY CALMS DOWN.

EVERYBODY'S BEING TOO HYSTERICAL!

WILL YOU COME OUT IF I PROMISE TO CALM DOWN

AND NOT GET HYSTERICAL?

NO!

IT ISN'T IMPORTANT.

ALL RIGHT, THEN. STAY IN THERE.

I CAN SAY MY PIECE FROM HERE JUST AS WELL.

NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THE TRUTH. EVERYBODY'S TOO HYSTERICAL.

I UNDERSTAND THE TRUTH. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'M TIRED OF BEING LIED TO AND TOLERATED

AS IF I WERE AN IDIOT CHILD.

NOW, WAIT, JOHN. LET'S HANDLE ONE THING AT A TIME.

THERE IS ONLY ONE THING.

I CAME UP HERE TO TELL ELLIOTT MORGAN HE CAN'T PUBLISH MY BOOK.

THE BOOK! THE BOOK! WHAT ABOUT ME?

NELLIE, WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?

HE WANTS HIS BOOK BACK.

WELL, HE CAN'T HAVE IT. IT'S ON OUR SPRING LIST.

THEN TAKE IT OFF OF YOUR SPRING LIST.

THAT ISN'T MY BOOK, ANYWAY.

IT'S A CHEAP LYING VERSION OF WHAT I WROTE.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT BOOK, ANY OF YOU.

YOU JUST SEE IT AS A CHANCE TO MAKE A LOT OF MONEY QUICK.

WELL, IS THAT BAD?

THIS BOOK WASN'T DASHED OFF IN A HURRY TO MAKE A FEW DOLLARS.

IT'S AN EXPRESSION OF THE IDEALS AND PRINCIPLES I LIVE BY,

AND PRINCIPLES ARE A MAN'S LIFE.

HE'S GOT TO KEEP THEM CLEAN AND PURE.

WHAT ABOUT KEEPING HIS WIFE'S NAME CLEAN AND PURE?

DON'T BE SILLY, JULIE. NOBODY'S BLAMED YOU FOR ANYTHING.

WHY NOT? THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW. WHY NOT?

IS IT SO INCONCEIVABLE

THAT I COULD DO SOMETHING WRONG?

HAVE I GOT A HALO AROUND MY NECK... HEAD?

PLEASE, JULIE. DON'T INTERRUPT.

I CAME HERE WITH A DEFINITE PURPOSE IN MIND.

SO DID I.

JOHN, YOU'RE GETTING TOO EXCITED.

EVERYBODY'S TOO HYSTERICAL!

YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS.

YOU COULD USE A LITTLE OF THAT YOURSELF.

ELLIOTT, WILL YOU COME OUT OF THAT BATHROOM?!

NOT UNTIL EVERYBODY CALMS DOWN!

WELL, I DON'T CARE WHETHER YOU COME OUT OR NOT!

I'M TAKING MY BOOK AND MY PRINCIPLES,

AND I'M GOING BACK TO DIGBY COLLEGE WITH THEM.

THERE, AT LEAST ALL I HAVE TO DO IS BRING PSYCHOLOGY

DOWN TO THE LEVEL OF A BUNCH OF FOOTBALL PLAYING GORILLAS.

I DON'T HAVE TO EXPOSE MYSELF TO THE WORLD

AS A CHEAP COMMERCIAL RACKETEER!

COME ON, JULIE. WE'RE LEAVING.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!

YOU DIDN'T EVEN INCLUDE ME

IN THE LIST YOU'RE TAKING BACK TO DIGBY.

ALL RIGHT. GO AHEAD. GO WITHOUT ME.

YOU TAKE YOUR BOOK AND YOUR IDEALS AND YOUR PRINCIPLES

AND GO BACK TO DIGBY, BECAUSE I'M NOT GO-

YOU LET ME ALONE! DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT!

YOU LET ME-NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO-

IF YOU'D ONLY THINK THINGS OUT

BEFORE YOU DO THEM, JULIE.

YOU MUST HAVE KNOWN PERFECTLY WELL

I WOULDN'T BELIEVE YOU CAPABLE OF COMING UP HERE

JUST TO BE WITH ELLIOTT.

WHY SHOULDN'T YOU BELIEVE IT? EVERYBODY ELSE DID.

YOU DID IT JUST TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEN WHY PICK A MAN WITH A BEARD?

YOU HATE BEARDS, AND YOU KNOW I KNOW IT.

WELL, THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.

YOU JUST DON'T CARE.

YOU JUST DON'T CARE WHETHER I LOVE YOU OR NOT.

STOP TALKING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.

STOP ARGUING AND STOP MAKING ME DRAG YOU.

ARE YOU COMING, JULIE?

I WANT YOU TO DRAG ME.

I WON'T DRAG YOU.

THEN I'M NOT COMING.

VERY WELL, I'LL GO BY MYSELF. I'LL SEE YOU AT DIGBY!

OH!

DO SOMETHING! JUMP IN AFTER HIM!

WHAT GOOD WILL THAT DO? I CAN'T SWIM!

JOHN! JOHN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M ALL RIGHT.

THEN IN THAT CASE, TELL HIM TO SWIM AFTER THE BOAT.

WE CAN'T GET OFF THE ISLAND WITHOUT IT.

JOHN! JOHN, THE BOAT. SWIM TO THE BOAT.

MY TIE IS CAUGHT.

JOHN! JOHN!

YEAH. MEN WERE DIFFERENT IN MY DAY.

A MAN COULD FALL IN THE WATER

WITHOUT BEING SICK ABED.

DID YOU EVER GET YOUR NECKTIE CAUGHT IN A PROPELLER?

NO. I CAN'T SAY AS I HAVE.

WELL, TRY IT SOMETIME.

WHERE'S MY WIFE?

WHY HASN'T MY WIFE BEEN IN TO SEE ME?

WHICH ONE IS YOUR WIFE?

THAT'S THE ONE. THAT'S MY WIFE.

I THINK I'LL GO AND SEE WHAT I CAN DO

ABOUT SIGNALING SOMEBODY ONSHORE.

YOU KNOW, WE'D BETTER BE THINKING

ABOUT GETTING BACK TO THE MAINLAND.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

FINE.

JUST FINE, THANK YOU.

YOU CATCH COLD SO EASILY,

IT'S A WONDER YOU NEVER HAD PNEUMONIA.

WELL, MAYBE I'LL GET IT THIS TIME.

BUT YOU JUST SAID YOU FELT FINE.

HAVE YOU FORGIVEN ME?

YES, JOHN. I'VE FORGIVEN YOU.

OH, THEN I FEEL FINE. FINE AND DANDY.

THEN I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU NOW.

TELL ME?

I'M LEAVING YOU.

I CAN'T BE YOUR WIFE ANYMORE.

I'M GOING BACK TO CANVILLE AND MY MOTHER.

AND BOB JORDAN?

THIS IS NO TIME

FOR YOU TO START REMEMBERING BOB JORDAN.

SIT DOWN HERE, WILL YOU?

NO, JOHN. I WON'T. I'LL SIT RIGHT HERE.

I'M NOT AS SMART AS YOU ARE,

AND I'VE MADE UP MY MIND NOT TO LET YOU CHANGE IT.

OH.

WELL, THEN I'LL COME OVER AND SIT BY YOU.

PLEASE, JOHN. DON'T BE UNFAIR.

MAYBE YOU'RE BEING UNFAIR.

MAYBE I AM.

I LOVE YOU. YOU BELIEVE THAT, DON'T YOU?

YES. AND I LOVE YOU.

WELL, THEN.

WELL, MAYBE WE DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER ENOUGH.

MAYBE THAT'S IT.

IF WE LOVED EACH OTHER ENOUGH,

NOTHING ELSE WOULD MATTER.

WELL, WHAT ELSE DOES MATTER?

OH, SILLY THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T,

LIKE... WELL, LIKE MY NOT BEING AS CLEVER AS YOU ARE

AND NOT UNDERSTANDING ALL YOUR THEORIES

AND... AND PRINCIPLES.

THEY'RE SO IMPORTANT TO YOU.

THEY'RE WHAT A MAN LIVES FOR, YOU SAID.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT...

THAT THE ONLY THING THAT COUNTED WAS OUR LOVE,

THAT THERE WAS NOTHING AS IMPORTANT

AS OUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.

BUT THEY'RE PART OF US, JULIE.

THEY'RE PART OF OUR LOVE.

THEY'RE NOT PART OF MINE.

I- I CAN'T THINK ALL THE TIME.

YOUR LOVE IS SOMETHING I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S... IT'S GOT TOO MANY SYLLABLES FOR ME OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T FEEL VERY WELL.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

OH, I GOT A FEVER. I ACHE ALL OVER.

I MUST BE VERY SICK.

YOU'RE NOT SICK AT ALL.

JUST GOT A COLD IN THE HEAD.

YOU'RE TRYING TO WORK ON MY SYMPATHIES

SO I'LL STAY HERE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

EVER SINCE WE WERE FIRST MARRIED,

I MADE BELIEVE YOU FOOL ME

WITH ALL THOSE TRICKS OF YOURS.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE VERY CLEVER TRICKS.

I LOVED THEM.

THEY SHOWED ME YOU WERE A HUMAN BEING,

AND THEY ALSO PROVED TO ME

THAT WHEN YOU WERE A HUMAN BEING,

I WAS SMARTER THAN YOU ARE.

JULIE...

JULIE, I'LL BE A HUMAN BEING.

YOU COULDN'T BE ANY MORE THAN I COULD BE

A PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY.

REMEMBER ABOUT THE COFFEE, JOHN.

ORDER IT DURING THE MEAT COURSE

SO THAT WHEN YOU GET READY TO DRINK IT,

IT WILL BE COOL ENOUGH.

ALSO, YOU PROMISED ME ABOUT THE DENTIST.

AND, JOHN, DON'T WEAR BLUE TROUSERS WITH A BROWN COAT.

I KNOW MEN DON'T CARE MUCH ABOUT THOSE THINGS,

BUT WOMEN DO.

JULIE!

COME IN.

PEACE. OH, IT'S WONDERFUL.

WHAT IS?

ELLIOTT AND I. HE'S INNOCENT.

OH, I KNOW IT. I BELIEVE IT.

OF COURSE HE'S INNOCENT, WITH THAT BEARD.

AND, JOHN, I...

WE ALL OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

WE WERE SUCH IDIOTS FOR DOUBTING YOU AND YOUR BOOK

FOR ONE SILLY MOMENT.

I'VE TALKED TO ELLIOTT,

AND HE INSISTS UPON PUBLISHING IT JUST AS IT WAS

WITHOUT CHANGING ONE DIVINE WORD,

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN SO RIGHT, JOHN.

YOU'VE BEEN RIGHT ALL THE TIME ABOUT EVERYTHING.

OH, WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT.

NOTHING COULD GIVE ME MORE SATISFACTION AT THE PRESENT MOMENT

THAN TO KNOW I'VE BEEN ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING.

OH. OH, YOU MEAN ABOUT JULIE.

YOU KNOW ABOUT HER?

YEAH. YEAH, SHE TOLD US.

DON'T YOU WORRY. SHE'LL BE BACK.

WHAT JULIE'S GOING THROUGH NOW

IS JUST A MANIFESTATION OF JEALOUSY.

HER VANITY'S BEEN HURT.

EVERYTHING SHE FEELS HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH THE BASIC FACT THAT SHE LOVES YOU.

YOU THINK SO?

WELL, YOU THINK SO.

ALL I'M DOING IS QUOTING FROM YOUR BOOK.

DOES THE BOOK SAY THAT?

YEAH.

WELL, THAT SOUNDS SILLY.

SILLY? WHY, JOHN, IN YEARS TO COME,

THAT BOOK WILL REPLACE THE BILL OF RIGHTS.

HEARTBREAK WILL VANISH LIKE HEARTBURN.

JEALOUSY WILL HAVE DISAPPEARED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL, OLD MAN?

DID NELLIE TELL YOU ABOUT THE BOOK?

WHERE IS YOUR BEARD?

WHAT?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR BEARD?

MY BEARD? OH, I SHAVED IT OFF.

WHY?

OH, I GOT BURNED.

PLAYING WITH FIRE, NO DOUBT!

OH, JOHN! JOHN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING TO BEAT MORGAN!

OH, NO, NO!

I'M GOING TO BEAT HIS FACE TO A PULP!

NO, JOHN!

NELLIE, STOP HIM! HE'S GONE MAD!

NELLIE, WHAT'S HAPPENED?

JOHN'S RUN AMUCK!

WHAT ABOUT?

ELLIOTT'S BEARD. IT'S OFF, AND IT'S DRIVEN JOHN CRAZY!

HE'S JEALOUS.

COMES FROM READING TOO MANY BOOKS.

THEY ROT OUT A MAN'S BRAIN CELLS.

OH, SHUT UP! YOU SOUND JUST LIKE MY MOTHER.

THIS IS KIND OF SILLY, OLD MAN.

I MEAN, RUNNING AROUND LIKE THIS.

YOU'LL GET TIRED,

AND WHEN YOU DO, I'LL CATCH UP TO YOU.

WELL, WHAT'S MY BEARD GOT TO DO WITH IT?

I'VE BEEN ON THE VERGE OF SHAVING IT OFF MANY TIMES.

MUST HAVE BEEN A PRETTY SUDDEN DECISION, MY FRIEND.

WHAT A GIVEAWAY.

WHAT A DEAD GIVEAWAY.

GIVEAWAY OF WHAT? JULIE, WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?

IF YOU DON'T MIND, ELLIOTT, I'D RATHER STAY OUT OF THIS.

IT'S GONE BEYOND THE TALKING POINT.

HA HA!

WHAT HAS?

WHY DID YOU SHAVE OFF YOUR BEARD?

BECAUSE JULIE SET FIRE TO IT! DON'T LAUGH!

HA HA HA! VERY PRETTY. VERY DEEP.

STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM ME,

YOU NEUROTIC BLUEBEARD, AND FIGHT!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GO PUT SOME SHOES ON, OLD MAN?

IT WOULD MAKE THINGS A LOT EASIER ON YOUR FEET.

NEVER MIND ABOUT MY FEET!

IT WILL GIVE US A CHANCE TO TALK THINGS OVER.

ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS TALK. I WANT TO FIGHT!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

HAS HE BEEN DRINKING?

YOU KNOW, INDIANS CAN'T STAND FIREWATER.

NO, HE HASN'T BEEN DRINKING. HE'S JEALOUS.

THAT'S RIGHT, ISN'T IT, JOHN?

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS, AREN'T YOU?

JEALOUS. JEALOUS? CERTAINLY NOT.

OH, FORGIVE ME.

NOW THAT I SEE THIS MAN'S FACE, IT HAPPENS TO REVOLT ME.

THAT'S ALL. I INTEND TO BASH IT TO A PULP.

JUST BECAUSE I SHAVED?

RIGHT!

HAVEN'T I GOT A RIGHT TO SHAVE?

NOT UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES!

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!

WHOA! ISN'T JOHN BRILLIANT?

OH! SO YOU HIT ME WHEN MY BACK IS TURNED, HUH?

PRETTY DIRTY!

THEY AIN'T IN VERY GOOD CONDITION, ARE THEY?

YEAH, BUT THINK OF THE MILEAGE WE GET OUT OF THEM.

HERE COMES OUR BOAT.

LET'S STOP THIS FIGHT

AND GET THE BOYS DOWN TO THE WHARF, AND IF YOU'RE SMART,

YOU'LL NEVER MENTION THE WORD "JEALOUSY" AGAIN.

WHY SHOULD I? THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS JEALOUSY.

OH!

DO YOU SUPPOSE SOMEBODY SNEAKED IN

WHEN WE WASN'T LOOKING AND HIT THEM BOTH?

THEY KNOCKED EACH OTHER OUT.

JOHN ALWAYS WAS

A PRETTY BLOODTHIRSTY PROPOSITION.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK THAT BEARDLESS WONDER HAD IT COMING TO HIM.

BEARDLESS MEN RATHER INTEREST YOU,

DON'T THEY, DEARIE?

BEARDLESS MEN, PERHAPS.

ELLIOTT LOOKS AS IF HE'S BEEN PEELED.

YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO THINK

THAT I HAD ELLIOTT WRONG ABOUT THIS

FROM THE VERY START.

RIGHT OR WRONG,

YOU NEVER EVEN HAD ELLIOTT, HONEY.

YOU DID YOUR BEST, ANGEL.

MY BEST.

KITTEN, ALL I HAD TO DO WAS THAT.

LADIES, PLEASE.

PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

OH! PLEASE, LADIES. YOU MUSTN'T.

NO, NO, NO! PLEASE, DON'T!

OH, LADIES, YOU MUSTN'T DO THAT.

LADIES, PLEASE!

YOU MUSTN'T DO THAT!

I TELL YOU! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE-

HELLO, SUGAR.