Original subtitles

♪ funky hip-hop music playing ♪

VINCE: Do you remember our old English teacher, Big Booty Judy?

[all groan]

JULIO: Big-ass nalgas.

Whatever happened to her?

- She died.

[Julio sighs]

FELIPE: Damn.

Yeah, I guess that ass finally quit.

[laughter]

[coughing]

JULIO: Oh, shit. - What the fuck?

JULIO: Dawg, what the fuck happened?

- I went to go see Slayer last month

and I got my teeth knocked out in the pit. [laughs]

- Dawg, you're 33 and you're still getting in the pit?

- Fuck that, I can't do standing-only shows anymore.

My knees need seats.

- Hey, you wanna hit that, Julio?

- Nah, I'm good with this.

- Damn, all healthy and shit?

VINCE: Hey, respect.

I'm not touching anything either.

Christina broke up on my ass again 'cause I keep getting fucked up.

I'm trying to win her back, so your boy's on good behavior.

- Man, you've been saying that shit since high school.

- Fuck you, bitch.

- Hey, Julio, you and Maggie back together yet?

- Nah, fool, we broke up for real this time.

- Ohh. - See, fool, I told you.

You owe me 20 bucks.

[Felipe chuckles]

- What the fuck? You fools were betting on me?

Shady-ass fools.

- Alright, I gotta go pick up my kid.

Anyone wanna hit this before I go?

- No, fool, I'm good. - Thanks, man.

- Fuck it, let me take one hit.

[all groan]

Nah, nah, nah, I'm not gonna get cross-faded, relax, alright?

EFRAIN: You're relapsing.

- Yeah. EFRAIN: Bro.

- I'ma keep it cute.

JULIO: Come on.

- We've been here before, man. FELIPE: Oh.

♪ theme music playing ♪

[coughing]

- Hey, let's have fuckin' fun tonight.

[coughing]

- Hey, take it easy, you fuckin' psycho.

[Vince sighs]

♪

♪ rock music playing ♪

[inaudible]

♪

MAN: Hey, fool, what's up?

♪

GLORIA: Hey.

I'm pregnant so I gotta go first.

- Oh, shit, yeah, my bad, go for it.

♪

[door opens]

[door closes]

- That bitch isn't pregnant. [scoffs]

- How do you know? - She had wine lips, trust me.

- Damn, I got played, huh?

♪

- Should we kill her?

- Yeah, maybe bury her ass out in Palmdale?

- Can we put her in your trunk? I got my ex in mine.

- Yeah, we can get some acid and then melt them in a barrel.

- Turn their body fat into soap.

- Then lather ourselves up with it, get that smooth skin.

- Sounds like a spa day.

- Who do you know here?

- I work with Angie, she dragged me out.

This party's kinda lame, though.

- Yeah, it is.

Why the fuck are we here?

- Probably because we hate ourselves.

- You're right, I do fuckin' hate myself.

- Yeah, me, too.

- I heard you guys talking about killing me.

- Bitch, did your baby hear us, too?

♪

Mind if I go first? I have diarrhea.

- Oh, yeah, sure.

- I'm fucking with you, I just wanted to go first.

I'm Teresa.

- I'm Julio.

♪

- And so low-key, these fools always look to me

as like a mentor type of figure, you know what I mean?

I was almost on varsity and then I got hurt, so.

But I've always been competitive.

I fuckin' get down on beer pong.

I bet you 20 I can beat you.

TERESA: I'm sure you could.

- Let's do it then, you ain't down.

- Hey, playboy, I wanna play.

- Oh, shit.

Damn, look at this fool coming in and wanting to play like that.

- But it's me and her against your annoying ass.

Think you can you handle that or what?

- Dawg, I don't need no partner.

I'm gonna fuck you fools up.

JULIO: No mames.

♪

- Fuck!

- So where'd you go to high school?

TERESA: Centennial, you?

- Jefferson.

- Did you guys have race riots?

- Fuck, yeah, but trip out,

in the whole high school we only had two white boys, right?

White Mike and White Larry.

And one of them was a cholo and the other one was a Blood.

And anytime we had race riots,

these fools would find each other,

fuck each other up.

- Damn, that's beautiful.

♪

- Ugh! Fuck!

JULIO: What do you do for work?

I'm a vet tech, but I wanna quit 'cause it's too sad.

- Why, you gotta put down little cute animals and shit?

- Yeah.

TERESA: What do you do? - Let's go!

- I'm gonna open up a café.

- Oh, shit, did you always wanna open up a coffee shop?

JULIO: Actually, no.

You know, a dude put a gun to my head and made me do that shit.

♪

- Told you I'd fuckin' win!

Fuck, yeah, perro!

- Oh, that's sweet, he's happy. VINCE: Let's go!

- Not for long, watch.

In exactly one hour, that fool's gonna try to throw down with someone.

¿De veras?

- Exactly one hour.

- ♪ Somebody please ♪

- Knuckle up, bitch, we're gonna throw down.

- Oh, shit, but why? You're my boy.

- Remember that time you pantsed me junior year

in front of Jessica Rosales?

That's why, bitch. Let's go bodies.

- Dawg, but we threw down over that shit years ago.

You fucked me up bad, you don't remember?

- Oh. Oh, yeah, you're right.

But you better not fuckin' do it again, you got me?

- Hey, you got it, big dawg.

♪

TERESA: Damn, that fool's unstable.

- Nah, he's a softie.

He's gonna start crying, watch.

♪

♪ Hasta La Miel Amarga by Tiranos del Norte playing ♪

First time him and his ex broke up,

I found him naked in the street singing this song.

Check it out.

Three, two, one.

- Christina.

Why? God, just tell me why!

[partygoers gasp]

[Vince farts]

- Damn, this is making me sad.

And I gotta pee again.

- Me, too. - I also gotta fart.

- That's disgusting.

[toilet flushes]

♪

[toilet flushes]

[urinating]

♪ hip-hop music playing in distance ♪

Hey, you think I can get your number so I can prank call you?

- Yeah, you could have it.

Weird time to ask for my number though.

JULIO: Eh, it's not that weird.

Wait till I ask for a golden shower.

[chuckles]

- Hey, but, listen.

JULIO: Yeah?

- I have a kid. [stops urinating]

♪

[urinating resumes] JULIO: No big deal.

♪

- You sure?

'Cause for a lot of guys, it is a big deal.

JULIO: I love kids.

You know, not like in a weird way.

- Okay, good, because I need you to pick her up from school tomorrow.

JULIO: Wait, what?

- I'm fucking with you.

[zipper zips]

JULIO: Shut up, dummy.

Ooh, I feel lighter.

♪

Damn.

TERESA: She's gonna get pregnant for real this time.

♪

- Can I call you Christina?

- Yeah, okay.

♪

MINISTER PAYNE: No, no, no, no, no, no.

I've been on hold for an hour and a fuckin' half

with the city already, so, no, you may not put me on hold again

unless this is hell and you're the devil, in which case, go right ahead.

- So you meet the kid yet?

- Nah, it's chill.

There's no drama, you know.

- Damn, you're like a dad already,

but you look like a grandpa.

And once you have kids of your own,

you're gonna give 'em your shitty Jack disease.

- Jack disease?

- Dawg, you don't remember that movie Jack

starring that fool Mrs. Doubtfire,

where he's a little kid, but he looks all old?

Shit is a underrated banger.

Damn, I wouldn't mind having kids of my own.

[sighs] We could watch Jack together,

show 'em all the classics.

- You can have my three annoying-ass kids.

Them motherfuckers bad.

- You have kids?

- Damn, I didn't know that.

CHEF PERCY: Well, maybe you would

if you ask me something about me every now and then.

All y'all do is talk about yourselves.

"My rooster" this, "my world traveler girlfriend" that.

Sometimes hanging out with y'all be hurting my feelings sometimes.

- Sorry, Percy. [phone buzzing]

'Sup, this is the suicide hotline.

Hey, Teresa, don't kill yourself, you just met a cool guy.

TERESA [over phone]: Listen, Julio, I have a huge ask.

I-I've literally tried everybody and I'm so sorry to call.

- You okay? What's up?

TERESA: Do you think you can pick Aurora up at school

and take her to soccer practice?

- Wait, you're fucking with me, right?

TERESA: No, I'm for real.

I got a surprise mandatory training session at work.

It's fucked up, but I won't be available for the next few hours

and her fucking dad's not picking up.

[sighs] I'm so sorry.

I-I wouldn't be asking if you weren't the absolute last resort.

- Hey, no big deal.

All I gotta do is pick her up and take her to practice?

TERESA: Oh, my God, thank you so much.

I'll call the school and tell them you're coming and text you the info.

- You got it. Hey, go get trained.

TERESA: You're the best. Bye.

- Bye.

- Julio, I need you to drive me to the city permit office

to pick up our sidewalk dining license.

- Actually, I can't, I'm picking up Teresa's daughter.

- Wait, the chick you're dating has a kid?

- Yeah, but it's casual.

I'm just giving the kid a ride, no big deal.

- No big deal?

♪ dramatic music plays ♪

Are you fuckin' stupid?

- What?

MINISTER PAYNE: Here's what's gonna happen.

You'll get close to the kid, then when it doesn't work out with the mom, bam.

The kid is traumatized.

Years later, that kid's gonna be in therapy

crying to some shrink about how their life didn't turn out right

because their mom once dated a loser

who lived in a garage and stunk up the bathroom.

- I don't stink up the bathroom.

- Julio, I live with you.

You're rotting from the inside.

- Fuck, what do you think I should do?

- Look, kids are like cops.

The less you have to deal with them, the better.

So you maintain boundaries with this kid, okay?

Don't get to know it.

Don't get too close to it.

Don't ask it any questions.

Don't even look it in the eyes.

Just keep it hydrated.

It'll be okay.

- Okay, boundaries, got it.

- And hydration.

Hydration is key.

♪

[sighs] [door closes]

[school bell rings]

JULIO: Boundaries, and keep her hydrated.

Give her water, that's all you gotta do.

Fuck, why did I agree to do this?

I'm a fuckin' idiot.

I should throw myself off a bridge.

- Are you Julio?

- Yeah, are you Aurora?

- Yeah. - Get in.

Sorry, this front seat's taken, gotta sit in the back.

Here, drink this.

- Okay. [engine starts]

JULIO: Approximately 15 minutes to soccer practice.

♪ ominous music plays ♪

♪

- So, are you like my mom's friend?

- Yep. - How did you meet?

- It's a boring story, you don't wanna hear it.

You'd be too bored.

♪

- Don't you wanna know how my day was or something?

- It's none of my business.

- Do you have kids?

- Sorry, I gotta listen to this.

WOMAN [over radio]: The advanced surgeons

at the Center for Innovative Care--

- That's just commercials.

JULIO: Yeah, but these are my favorite commercials,

they're really good.

- What do you do for work?

JULIO: Don't worry about it. Drink water.

- I'm not even thirsty.

- You don't have to be thirsty to drink water.

I wish I drank more water when I was a kid.

I would have better skin.

- My skin is fine.

- Oh, lucky you.

- Yeah, I am lucky.

- Yeah, I know, I said that.

[indistinct chatter over radio]

- [softly] Weirdo.

[car doors closes]

JULIO: Alright, come on, let's go.

Let's go. AURORA: I'm going.

- You're gonna have a lot of fun, come on, let's go.

- What's going on? JULIO: You're gonna--

- Hey, just dropping her off. What's going on?

- Yeah, practice is canceled.

An airplane spilled jet fuel all over the field.

- Wait, what?

COACH: Yeah, it happens every couple years.

This neighborhood is directly under a flight path.

- But I mean, they can still practice, right?

I mean-- - No.

- The field is probably all nice and lubricated.

Imagine how fast they'll be able to run.

You'll run really fast, huh?

COACH: Absolutely not.

The oil seeped into the ground

and now the field is a mass grave for gophers.

They'd be stepping all over them, tripping on 'em.

They would really interfere with the game.

Gotta stop volunteering in these shitty-ass neighborhoods.

- Puta madre.

Hey, I'm gonna call your mom, okay?

Come on, let's go.

Hey! So, um, practice is canceled.

Um, so what ended up happening

was an airplane dumped like jet fuel or some shit on the, on the field.

But we're all good here. Nothing to worry about.

You know, it's not a big deal. It's no big deal.

But, um, I'm just kind of, you know, I'm wondering what to do.

So when you get a chance, you know, give me a call.

But it's no big deal.

But just call me as soon as you get this, but it's no big deal.

Okay.

Do you have keys to your house?

[airplane engine roaring]

Fuck, let's get outta here.

[door closes]

Mama? ESPERANZA: Hmm?

♪ ominous music plays ♪

- No.

- You wait there.

I'm going to make you a yummy, yummy sandwich.

- Okay.

♪ ominous music plays ♪

- Chingados.

- Okay, a little sandwich-ito

for my little queenicita.

[door opens] ROCIO: Mama.

♪ ominous music plays ♪

Hi.

Why is there a kid in there?

ROCIO: Jesus, Amá.

You know what, Julio?

Good for you dating that woman.

Doing something good in your life for once.

- It's not a big deal, huh?

- No, it is a big deal, Julio.

This kid is a part of your life now.

You need to take that seriously.

- Hey, you guys know that there's, like, a female child in the living room?

- I'll give you 20 bucks if you look after her.

- Money up front. Pay me, stupid.

- Yeah, great, just pass her along to be somebody else's problem.

- I don't want any drama. ROCIO: No drama?

There's a fucking preteen in there.

- She's crying, I'm out.

- She's crying?

Fuck.

- Yeah, I'm taking Mom to the eye doctor.

Do the right thing, Julio, you're a fucking dad now.

♪ ominous music plays ♪

[sighs]

- Ana, can I get my 20 bucks back?

ANA: Shut up, stupid.

[Aurora sobbing]

[sniffles]

- [softly] Oh, man.

- Hey. You wanna watch TV?

- I was lying.

- Fuck!

I-I'm sorry, Aurora, I didn't mean any of it.

I was talking to my mom.

You know how moms are, sometimes they can be bitches.

But not your mom.

I'm really sorry. Uh--

Ooh, uh, do you want some water?

- I don't want any water!

- Oh, what about ice cream?

- You think I'm five?

- Okay.

Is there anything, anything I can do to make you feel better?

♪ Attitude by Leikeli47 playing ♪

- ♪ Brushed my hair, went downstairs ♪

♪ Favorite jeans on my rear ♪

♪ And I looked up in my mirror ♪

♪ And I said, "Who's that there?" ♪

- Is this your first time getting your makeup done, sweetie?

- Yes.

My mom doesn't let me wear it.

KATIE: So your dad brought you?

That's sweet.

AURORA: He's not my dad.

He only brought me here because he made me cry.

- Not asking any more questions.

♪

- ♪ I don't sleep, I don't snore ♪

♪ Too much money out that door ♪

♪ On my way to go to work ♪

- Julio Lopez?

It's me, Julio. También.

♪ ominous music plays ♪

- Hi, Julio. - Hey.

♪ dramatic sting ♪

[sighs]

- This is such a fun coincidence.

- Yeah, it's nice to see you guys.

Congrats on getting married.

- Yeah. - I saw on Instagram.

MAGGIE: Yeah, thanks.

- Best day of my life.

Mwah!

[phone ringing] TAMBIÉN: Oh.

Hello? Yes.

Uh, sorry, I gotta take this.

- So you ended up with También? MAGGIE: Yeah, I did.

It's nice having financial security and someone who's willing to commit.

JULIO: Hmm.

- What about you, still living with your mom?

- Nah, I moved out.

Actually accomplished my dream of opening up my own café.

- You wanted to open up a café?

- Yeah. You probably forgot all those times I mentioned it to you.

MAGGIE: Hmm.

Why are you in a makeup store?

- I'm actually a father now.

See that little girl over there, Aurora, she's my daughter.

You know, I didn't post about it on Instagram

because I don't need the validation of likes.

Being a father is rewarding enough.

- You mean stepdad?

- Oh, she actually calls me Dad.

Why create boundaries?

- Why don't you introduce me?

- Oh, we're actually raising her not to speak to strangers.

- Ahh, lucky you know me then.

- Lucky me. Oh.

- I'm all done.

- Hey, mija, this is my friend Maggie.

- Hi, sweetie, you look so pretty.

Sorry you're stuck with your stepdad today.

- I'm actually having a great time.

Thanks again, Dad.

- Well, what do we have here?

A princess in the makeup section?

What an honor.

Oh, and what's... this?

[gasps]

A shiny quarter for Her Majesty.

Oh, actually I forgot to eat lunch today.

I'm starving.

[gasps] Hmm.

[chomping] Mm. Mm.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh!

- I don't want that.

MAGGIE: Alright, let's get outta here.

TAMBIÉN: But, sweets, you haven't gotten your eyeshadow yet.

- They don't have my color, dear.

- Uh, what about this one?

- That is mascara.

- You know what? I'll leave you guys to it.

Good luck. Can't wait to see the kids on Instagram.

MAGGIE: Mm. [laughs] - Let's go.

TAMBIÉN: See ya.

- She seems weird. And that guy's a dumbass.

- I'll buy you whatever you want in the store.

♪

[phone buzzing]

Hey.

TERESA [over phone]: A jet fuel spill, what the fuck?

Are you guys okay?

- Yeah, we're all good now.

TERESA: I'm so sorry.

Where did you guys go instead of soccer practice?

- We... just went to my mom's.

TERESA: Oh, shit, I feel so bad.

- Don't feel bad. It's not a big deal.

TERESA: Okay, well, thank you for handling all this.

I'll be home in 30, I'll meet you guys there.

- Alright, see you then.

Alright.

We gotta be home in 30 minutes and you got all that shit on your face.

Damn. Smart.

[knock on door]

- Hey. You have a good day?

AURORA: It was fine.

- I'm sorry I couldn't pick you up, mija.

It won't happen again, I promise.

- It's not a big deal, Mom.

TERESA: Okay, well, go wash up for dinner.

Thank you.

I guess I owe you now, huh?

Don't be a freak about it though.

- Hey, glad I can help.

- Can Julio stay for dinner?

- Oh, uh--

- I don't mind. You know, it's not a big deal.

- No, not a big deal.

♪ ominous music plays ♪

Okay, Aurora, go wash up.

She's an eavesdropper. [vent air whooshing]

- Oh, believe me, I know.

- See, what the fuck is that?

- What?

- Why does my kid fuckin' like you?

- I don't know. You like me.

Guess I'm just likable like that.

- Aurora doesn't like anyone.

- Must be my fun personality.

- No, that's definitely not it.

Look... this is turning into a big deal.

- Wait, I thought you said it wasn't a big deal.

TERESA: It wasn't, but now it is.

My kid liking you is a big deal.

My kid meeting your mom and asking you to stay for dinner is a big deal.

There's a line we're about to cross.

So, either you stay for dinner and it's a big deal

or you gotta go right now.

And if you gotta go, that's fine, that's okay, really.

I could tell her something else.

- I'll stay, all good.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Good.

Because I took a pregnancy test this morning

and I'm pregnant with your child.

- What?

- I'm fucking with you.

I threw myself down some stairs.

- Oh, good.

♪ peppy music playing ♪

♪

[inaudible conversation]

♪

[phone rings]

♪

- Aiden. Tell him you're sorry.

- I'm sorry. - [laughs] It's alright.

Uh, don't trip.

Kids.

- Yeah, kids. [laughs]

Single mom life.

- Yeah, I get that, single dad life here.

- Single dad, really? - Mm-hmm.

- Must be hard.

- Yeah, but, you know, single moms,

they're the ones who really got it hard.

Respect.

- Yeah, that is really nice to hear.

- It's true.

- Oh. Hi, princess.

Uh, well, I guess I'll see you later, single mom.

- Bye, single dad.

Hey.

Um, sorry,

but, um, would you maybe wanna go out sometime?

- Oh, uh, I'm actually dating someone.

It's great, she doesn't have kids.

But, hey, good luck out there.

♪ ominous music plays ♪

Come on.

- Aiden.

[inaudible]

Hey, go karate kick that guy in the nuts.

AIDEN: Fuck, yes.

♪ Payback by Slayer playing ♪

[Aidan yells]

[foot thumps] [man groans]

- Dumbass.

♪

- ♪ You need to take a closer look at me ♪

♪ 'Cause I was born to be the thorn in your side ♪

♪ No matter what you think you're gonna see ♪

♪ You never wanted this barrage of fucking pride ♪

♪

♪ You don't want none of me ♪

♪

♪ You've got a fucking catheter in your brain ♪

♪ Pissing your common sense away ♪

♪ When you draw first blood you can't stop this fight ♪

♪ For my own peace of mind ♪

♪ I'm going to tear your fucking eyes out ♪

♪ Rip your fucking flesh off ♪

♪ Beat you till you're just a fucking lifeless carcass ♪

♪ Fuck you and your progress, watch me fucking regress ♪

♪ You were made to take the fall, now you're nothing ♪

♪ Payback's a bitch, motherfucker ♪

♪ You ain't fucking shit! ♪