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1 Hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing?

Getting my fingers nice and foamy.

Just the way I like 'em.

Uh-uh-uh.

No wife of mine is going to do dishes on Valentine's day.

You can do these tomorrow.

Thanks so much.

So, if you have no other plans this evening,

could I interest you in a nice dinner out followed by

a workout on the heavy bag?

Well, that depends.

What restaurant are you taking me to?

A little place I like to call Manzi's.

Manzi's? Doug, you did good!

Yeah. I did, didn't I?

All right. So, we're all set for a sweet evening of sensual togetherness.

Meet you there at 8:00.

Meet me there? Why?

It's Spence's birthday. We're taking him out for a quick beer.

Doug, it's Valentine's day. I don't want to meet you at the restaurant.

Why not? It will be romantic.

I'll walk in. It'll be like, "hey!"

Come on, Carrie. I gotta do this for Spence.

His birthday lands on Valentine's day and he's Spence.

It's a rough combo.

All right, all right. I'll meet you there.

All right. 8:00.

And we'll party like it's 1999.

[Laughs]

You get... you get it?

[Dishes clattering]

Hey, Hef'.

You gonna get dressed? The dance starts in a half-hour.

I'm not going. I got a fever.

Here, look at this.

111.

Wow! I should be in bed.

Dad, what are you doin'?

Look, I just don't want to go to that stupid old peoples' dance.

Why not? It'll be fun.

There'll be a little bunch of hotties there, huh?

Hey, I've been to these meat markets before.

Those women are like vultures.

If a man has a pulse and a driver's license,

they're all over him like he's van Johnson.

Dad, cards on the table.

I want you out of the house by the time Doug and I get home.

I want that very, very much.

So go put on some pants and some canoe. OK?

- Don't I... - No.

- But I... - No buts.

Fine.

See, isn't it nice to compromise.

Uh, hi, Mrs. Olchin. It's Doug Heffernan. Is Spence ready?

(Mrs. Olchin) He's not home.

Why don't you boys come on up and wait for him?

[Buzzer buzzing]

Usually we just buzz and he comes down. What's this all about?

I don't know. You guys ever been up there?

You?

Once. When I was, like, 10.

All I remember is jell-o and fear.

[Buzzer buzzing]

[Knocking on door]

Doug! Oh, it's been years.

Oh, look how you've filled out. Oh!

Hi, Mrs. Olchin.

Oh. Come in. Oh.

You must be Deacon.

How did you guess?

Oh.

[Sighs]

And, uh, that must mean you're Richie, the ladies man.

Well, don't try any slick moves on this lady 'cause I've seen them all.

OK, sure.

Oh.

Come in. Come in. Sit, sit, sit, sit.

I'll get us some snacks.

Look, a wonderful onion dip.

I made it with soup.

Soup, really? That's just, uh... is Spence coming home soon?

Any minute. I sent him out to get me cigarettes,

but the joke's on him.

I've got 5 cartons here at the house.

[Guffawing]

[All laughing nervously]

Good one.

Why did you do that?

Because we're having a surprise party for him, silly.

Oh, isn't it a grand idea? I tell you boys,

this is gonna be a night to remember.

Mmm. Oh.

Mmm.

Hi. Stoli rocks, please.

Coming up. Thanks.

♪ [Music playing]

[Sniffs]

Can I help you?

You smell good.

Yeah. Thanks.

You want to smell me?

Not so much.

Suit yourself. I'm Tito.

And you are?

Waiting for my husband.

Whoa-oa-oa! Tito retreat-o.

Just making small talk.

Waiting for my date to arrive.

Lucky gal.

♪ [Piano playing]

[People chattering]

Excuse me.

Would you, by any chance, like to dance?

No.

But why?

Because I'm married. Now, scram.

Creep.

Ma, will you come on?

Look at this place. Where did you bring me?

A nursing home?

Forget it. I'm out of here.

Now, ma. You have not been on a date in years.

Now, you are doing this.

Look, try to enjoy yourself, OK? I'll pick you up at 10:00.

14 hours I was in labor with you. Very nice.

Goodbye.

I'm not talking to anyone.

I don't care.

I'm married.

Relax, buddy.

'Cause you know what? I'm married, too.

My wife's in the hospital, if you must know.

Wow, very nice of you to be with her on Valentine's day.

Visiting hours ended at 7:00.

All right, all right. Jeez.

My husband's away on business, in case you were wondering.

I wasn't.

So, what's wrong with your wife?

Oh, they're doing a... a scan on her

with that, uh, with that scope thing.

Maybe a probe, too.

Sounds serious.

Oh, it's one thing after another with her.

So, would you like to get some punch?

Guess there's no harm in that.

♪ [Mrs. Olchin humming]

I don't like it here.

Where the hell is Spence, anyway?

I just want to do this and leave.

Hey, hey, at least your wife's out of town.

You don't have to be anywhere.

I gotta meet Carrie in a minute and a half.

(Mrs. Olchin) I think I see him.

Great, he's here. We'll say, "surprise,"

throw down some punch, and get the hell out of here.

He's coming! Quick!

Let's all hide in the closet.

Couldn't we just stay here and crouch?

Oh! Don't be a spoilsport.

Come on. Quick!

Chop, chop.

Go, go! Make room for mommy!

Oh, I think I've died and gone to heaven.

Mom!

Mom!

Ma, they didn't have 120s so I got 100s.

Mom!

Surprise!

Surprise.

Surprise. Surprise.

♪ It's your birthday, Valentine ♪

Mom...

♪ So eat some cake and drink some wine ♪

- ♪ Celebrate! ♪ - Mom!

Spencer, don't interrupt.

- ♪ It's your birth... ♪ - Stop it!

I... I hate when you do things like this.

Spencer!

This is why I never have the guys over.

You always have to embarrass me. I hate you, I hate you!

Oh, go! Leave!

Just like your father

and every other man in my life!

[Crying]

Spence Olchin pees sitting down.

(Spence) Shut up, mom!

Well,

at least you boys haven't abandoned me,

or I don't know what I'd do.

[Laughing]

Probably take a bottle of pills.

Oh, but this isn't party talk, is it?

So, all right.

♪ [Music playing]

Who's gonna dance with me first?

[Cell phone ringing]

Hello?

Doug.

Where are you? It's... it's 8:15.

I'm in hell.

(Mrs. Olchin) OK, watch.

First they put a little alcohol on it.

[Projector whirring]

Watch out, baby Spence.

You're about to lose a piece of your tinkie.

Look, Carrie, she's not stable.

I ca-can't just leave,

I have to finesse my way out of here.

I'll be there very soon, I... I promise.

Oh, dear God!

I gotta go.

OK! You boys stay here.

I'll go mix us up some more happy juice.

Hmm, you missed the movie.

All right. I'm outta here.

Let's do it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? Come on.

This woman is very fragile.

If we walk out now, she'll snap.

[Pager beeping]

That's me.

A 5 alarm fire in a hospital.

Yes!

Mrs. Olchin, I have to go!

There's a big fire and they want me there

since I'm a fireman, to put the fire out, and whatnot.

Aw!

OK, but you be careful.

And don't forget your goody bag.

Got it.

Have fun, losers.

(Arthur) Oh, who am I kidding?

My marriage is a loveless farce.

It has been from day one.

Well, I'll tell you something, I know exactly how you feel.

Do you? Oh, yes.

My husband and I sleep in the same bed,

but we're strangers.

What can we do? We took our sacred vows.

That we did.

Although...

Yes?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like

to forget those stupid vows

and share a passionate embrace with a beautiful woman.

Oh, my!

Does my candor shock you?

Yes, but go on.

Do you think I could, uh, buy you a dinner sometime?

Dinner?

Just as friends, of course,

since we're both married.

To other people, of course.

Of course.

[Both laughing]

I know a quiet little cafe.

Sounds wonderful. Where is it?

On the ground floor of the St. Argyle...

Hotel.

[Cell phone ringing]

What?

Doug, are you kidding me?

I... I just can't leave until Spence gets home.

No, he won't stay here alone.

You know what? I'm just gonna go home.

No, no, no. Stay there.

Listen, we can salvage this night.

Just stay and eat dinner.

I... I'll be there by dessert, I promise.

OK, fine. But just hurry.

OK, I... I love you.

Yeah, yeah.

Did your husband get delayed?

Yes.

[Phone ringing]

I gotta tell you, if I was him,

there's no way I'd let a stallion like you wait alone at some bar.

A stallion is a male horse, you idiot.

(Bartender) Is there an Albert Blot here?

Right here.

That's my nickname.

Hello?

Hi, baby. What's... what's keeping you?

Uh, excuse me, I'm ready to be seated now.

My husband's gonna meet me later.

Very, good, ma'am. OK.

Well, would you wanna go out another time?

Oh.

So the whole thing was a big joke, huh?

No, no. It was funny. I'm laughing.

Well, bye.

- Mrs. Heffernan? - Yeah.

- Your table's ready. - OK. Thank you.

Tito, you're with me.

♪ [Music playing]

[Inaudible]

Whoo-hoo!

[Inaudible]

Oh, Deke, do you want to cut in? Whoa, whoa.

OK.

I... I'm just going to the bathroom.

Hmm.

♪ [Mrs. Olchin humming]

Oh, you know what, Ronnie?

Looks like I... oh, looks like I need

another one of these apricot sours.

Another one? Oh!

Somebody has a hollow leg.

Yes, my leg is hollow.

Whoo!

Psst. Hey, Deke.

Think I have an idea.

When she comes back out,

I'm gonna pretend like I'm having

a bad reaction to that onion dip,

which, by the way, I think I am.

And you offer to drive me to the hospital,

and we're home free.

[Clearing throat]

You with me?

Deacon?

No!

- Albert? - Yes.

Could you not touch every single piece of garlic bread?

Oh, sorry.

That's mine!

Sorry.

Ooh, a photographer.

Hey, over here!

Is it OK if I get a picture of us?

Yeah, fine. Fine.

Great. This way I can tell the guys at work I bagged you.

That's it.

- Up. - Huh?

Get up! Get up!

Now sit over there.

Albert, do you have any idea

why that girl didn't want to go out with you tonight?

No?

Because you act like a schmuck.

Now, I'm taking a gamble

that maybe, just maybe,

deep down underneath, you're not a schmuck.

So starting now, you're gonna act normal.

Now, if you slip up once, I'm gone.

Do you understand?

Good. Albert, look at my eyes, not at my chest.

Good.

Now talk.

What should I talk about?

I don't know. Just tell me what you do for a living.

I'm an assistant manager.

At?

Kinko's.

Kinko's, good.

Now as much as I may regret saying this,

tell me more about that.

You realize, of course,

we're going to have to be very discreet.

Of course.

We must never call each other at home.

Right, and if we do, we use funny voices.

So, you sure you can make it every Wednesday?

Oh, yes. My husband plays golf.

You?

Never played.

No, I meant, can you make it?

Of course.

Every Wednesday my wife gets a high colonic.

Good.

So, every Wednesday at the St. Argyle,

exactly 2:00 P.M.

We'll have a drink at the bar first,

sitting side by side,

but never making eye contact or speaking.

Good.

And then I'll leave first.

Pay for your drinks so no one suspects.

And I'll, uh,

I'll wait for you up in the room.

Perfect.

Oh, this is so wrong!

Look, we've lived by their rules long enough.

It's our day now!

Yes, let's live for us.

(Allison) Ma!

So, ma, you met a fella, after all, huh?

Well, I just...

Hi! Allison Finnegan.

You two make a very cute couple.

See, ma, this was good. Give him your number.

I'll wait in the car.

She's lots of fun.

Oh, listen, I... I'm sorry.

I... I'm not really married.

I just said that I was to avoid talking.

And once I said it, I had to stick with it.

Actually, I, uh...

I'm not married either.

Oh.

I said I was for the same reason you did.

Oh.

So I guess we're free to get together any time we want, huh?

No need to go sneaking around now.

Nope, not at all.

Well, so long.

See ya.

So, I'm thinking maybe next year,

I get a little more money saved,

uh, I may take some college courses at night.

You know, try to make something of myself.

That's great, Albert. What're you interested in?

Oh, well, I really like animals.

So you think maybe you want to be a vet?

Well, I was thinking dog-walker.

But the vet thing sounds good, too.

So, Albert, congratulations.

You made it all the way through dinner acting normal.

- Really? - Yes.

Oh.

Actually I... I had a decent time.

And I feel like I did a public service

for any women who have to come near you in the future.

Thanks!

Here's your check.

- Oh. - Thank you.

Don't worry, Al, I got it.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

Oh, hey, I appreciate that.

Hey, she may be paying for dinner,

but I'm gonna earn it later,

if you know what I mean.

Couldn't make it to the finish line, could ya?

♪ [Music playing]

[Switches off music]

Spencey, you home?

Uh, yeah.

Come give mommy a big kiss.

I can't.

I gotta go back out and get some Star Trek stuff.

OK.

Sorry about what I said before.

I love you.

I love you, too.

By the way, Doug stayed the longest.

Happy Valentine's day.

Happy Valentine's day to you, too.

You still want to fool around?

I had a rough night.

Could you just sing to me?

Come here, baby.

[Clearing throat]

♪ It's your birthday, Valentine ♪

That's not funny.

[Crashing]