Original subtitles

Jim, I'll need eight battery-operated candles.

They're in my desk drawer.

- Will you just answer a simple question? - If I hear one, of course.

- Uh, this way, please, Jim. - What is happening?

Why is everything so weird?

This all started last week when the power went out, didn't it?

Three questions, none of them simple.

But to answer your last one, no.

This all started a very long time ago.

But... also, yes.

So, why were we all dancing?

I thought it might make you realize that Maggie loved you,

and then you'd fall in love with her.

It all looks so simple in Jane Austen.

Jane Austen?

Oh, yes, the brains behind the 1810 Clerkenwell diamond robbery.

You're going to let us in, whether you like it or not.

Not.

You are not welcome here.

Heaven. Doors opening.

- Right. Where do you keep your records? - Records?

You're a scrivener, 37th class. Records, where?

- My office, but... - Lead on.

But... No, I can't!

You're a demon! I can't just...

Do you know how much trouble I'll get into for this?

It's fine.

You're forgetting about the bees.

- Bees? - Angels are like bees.

Fiercely protective of their hive if you're trying to get inside.

Once you're in... well, I mean...

is it even faintly possible that an unauthorized demon might be just

wandering around in Heaven unescorted?

Mm, bees.

But you don't look like a bee.

You look like a murder hornet

or a snake or a...

Bees. Right.

Your office. I'll follow you.

Go, go. Hide.

You lot are ridiculous.

We are the legions of the damned. We are invincible.

You might be invincible, but you're still stuck out there, and we're in here.

You don't frighten me.

I had brothers. You don't scare me by making faces.

- Just leave 'em alone, Maggie. - No.

I'm not scared of them.

I've spent my life being scared of things.

And I'm done with being scared.

Please, Maggie.

Yes, please, Maggie.

Please don't embarrass yourself in front of the woman you pathetically love.

She's not embarrassing herself. She's... braver than anyone I know.

Two cowards.

You posture bravely because you are in there and we are out here.

Leave us alone. Leave this shop alone.

Leave Mr. Fell alone.

You are nothing, Maggie.

Look at you. You run a shop nobody visits,

unable to pay the rent. Dull.

You're unloved and unlovable.

You're a nobody,

and you'll live, and then you'll die, a nobody.

My God, you lot are pathetic.

You wanna come in here and say that to my face?

Come on, quickly. Go!

Maggie,

what just happened?

I... I think I might have just told them they could come in.

Get back... Get back here now, fast, please.

It's for your own good.

I am perfectly prepared to take defensive action,

should it become necessary.

Stay back.

Hello?

Is there anybody there?

I have to tell you,

you can all leave now,

and nobody will be hurt.

You'll be hurt.

- Mm, nice office. - It's a bit lonely.

That was why I was so pleased when they said I finally had a job on Earth.

Don't you ever see anyone here?

Well, every few hundred years someone comes and asks me for something.

- You're not really under arrest, are you? - Not really, no.

I'm helping you, aren't I?

Yeah.

- I'm going to get into so much trouble. - You think so?

Well then, let's make it worthwhile.

What have you got on Gabriel?

It's all confidential. I can't show it to you.

I mean, I couldn't open it if I wanted to.

I don't have clearance.

You'd have to be a throne or a dominion, or above.

- How did you do that? - I haven't always been a demon,

and they never change their passwords.

Go on, you idiots. Get them!

They aren't gonna keep walking into the circle forever.

Even demons aren't that stupid.

So, what's your plan?

Well, that was it. I didn't have another bit.

Uh... this way, quickly.

Why do they keep blowing up?

Well, it's all a bit complicated. The circle, it's a gateway,

but if you step into it and you aren't prepared,

it can discorporate you completely.

Does what you say make sense in your head?

Stop where you are!

And so...

it ends.

Everything ends.

Time and the world

is over,

and we begin eternity...

forever and ever.

Amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

Nah.

Nah?

Yep.

Nah.

Nah to the final victory of Heaven on Earth?

Sorry, just not seeing it this time.

Pass.

And may I ask why you're not seeing it?

Surely.

- Why? - I told you you could ask.

However, I am the only first-order archangel in the room,

or, you know, the universe,

so I'm not gonna answer so much.

But you feel free to knock yourself out with all the asking.

Anyway, Armageddon the sequel,

that's a nah.

What's next on the agenda?

- The cleaning roster. - Okay!

What have you got?

I think we've struck gold.

Push!

- It's working! - Well, yeah!

There's even more fire extinguishers up here.

Why all the fire extinguishers?

Uh, well, there was a fire here once, you see.

And, um... well, books can go up like...

- Well, anyway... - Brilliant

Got any of that spray foam?

So, Gabriel refused point blank to entertain another Armageddon?

Doesn't sound like him at all.

Any idea why not?

Not yet. They had a sort of trial.

It was a real trial. It didn't take long, though.

Hello, Crowley.

I didn't expect to ever see you again.

Do we know each other?

When you were an angel.

We worked together on the Horsehead Nebula.

I meet a lot of people.

Muriel, you're the last person I'd expect to see collaborating with the enemy.

- Oh. - Um...

I suppose, from some points of view, this could look bad,

- but I did arrest him. - No, you didn't.

Well, don't let me interrupt you. Go on.

Show him the trial.

Shax, I charge you to leave this place,

with all your people,

and to jolly well hurry up about it,

or I'm going to have to take

severe measures.

Aziraphale, what are you?

Crowley's emotional support angel?

The softest touch. The one who went native.

Do you need more big human meals, Aziraphale?

Shall we send up the sushi?

Give us Gabriel.

Give him to us now.

- Sometimes people call me Gabriel. - Shh.

And tell that moron

to stop interrupting.

Jim, go... go to your room. You'll be safer there.

Okay. Good night. Does anybody want any hot chocolate?

- No. - Go.

Gabriel, Supreme Archangel,

you have refused to exercise your celestial authority

and you are henceforth removed from office.

I see. You're casting me down to Hell.

Well, I accept my fate.

Sometimes an angel just has to say,

"Guys, enough."

- Even though... - No speeches, Gabriel.

You are not going to Hell.

For one prince of Heaven to be cast into the outer darkness

makes a good story.

For it to happen twice,

makes it look like there is some kind of institutional problem.

Which there isn't.

Which, needless to say, there isn't.

You will, I am sure you'll be glad to learn,

remain an angel.

Although, as a kindness,

your memory of your time as Gabriel will be erased.

You will be demoted

to junior recording angel,

38th class.

Oh, that's pretty good, actually. I'm 37th class.

I didn't know that there was one down.

I see. Well, all good things.

Uh, just one thing. These clothes are tailored.

Can I keep wearing them?

Appropriate raiment will be provided for you, Gabriel.

- These clothes? - Are not appropriate.

Got it. Well, I'll just need to take off my clothes and clean out my desk, then.

- You have a desk? - Yes, I do.

I'll just need a...

I'll be right back.

- Can we throw books at them? - I'd rather you didn't.

Obviously no fiction, but encyclopedias?

- It's all online these days anyway. - Oh, if you must.

Ah!

Ah!

What? What's he...

Doors opening.

- He dropped it! - Doors closing.

Going down.

What's keeping him?

I believe he's taking off his clothes and cleaning out his desk.

Uriel, he doesn't have a desk.

I don't trust him. Can we begin the memory wipe now?

What, without him here?

- Good idea. - Right.

I can't... I can't find his memory anywhere.

In fact, I can't find him in the building.

He's left Heaven.

- Should I sound an alert? - Oh, don't be so wet.

No, you're all just going to have to find him. That's all.

Stop lollygagging, you cowards. Get back up those stairs.

Fire extinguishers have all been emptied, and we're out of encyclopedias.

We can't... We can't stop them.

What do we do?

Desperate measures must be taken.

I haven't done this since the Great War.

It's something we're only meant to do when we're actually

on a wartime... footing.

What did you just do?

I think...

I may have just started a war.

What just happened?

I think your friend just declared war on Hell.

This could get very messy.

Ugh, right, come on! Let's get back there.

You too.

Funny old world, isn't it?

Hello?

Anybody here?

You came back.

What did you do to them all?

I did the thing with the halo.

- You what? - I did the thing with the halo.

You... You blew up your halo?

Ooh, Hell won't like that.

We are at war! Finally!

Nobody's at war.

You idiots sent an idiot to lead a gang of idiots to attack a bookshop.

Those idiots there want their archangel back so they can fire him.

Nice job, Shax.

Beautifully done.

Remind me to put in for your commendation.

- Sarcasm, yes? - Yep.

I'm afraid so.

- If it is to be war... - No, no, no, no, no war.

Aziraphale, let's sort this out. Where's the cardboard box?

- What box? - The one Gabriel arrived with.

Gabriel? He's here?

- Sometimes people call me Gabriel. - Yeah, we did a thing... hiding miracle.

Apparently, if we do a miracle together, it all works a bit too well.

- Careful. Could be a trap. - It's a cardboard box.

It's not going to bite you.

Oh, there we go. I thought that's what you were doing.

- What was I doing? - You were writing a message.

Oh, probably to yourself, on the bottom of the box.

"I am in the fly."

What fly?

Lord Beelzebub,

I believe flies are your department.

Mm.

There's only one fly here, and it's familiar.

Come here. Come on.

Good boy.

No wonder nobody could find you.

This is where you were keeping all your memories.

All your... you.

Look at you.

You're perfect.

Here.

Take it.

Gently.

Now...

open it.

How I am supposed to get ten million angels to stand down

from their war footing is...

It doesn't bear thinking about.

You should try to get ten million demons

to put down their weapons and go back to work.

Well, at least we know whose fault it is!

You can't sit there, I'm waiting for someone.

- You're waiting for me. - I don't think so.

New face.

I had the old one for 6,000 years. I just thought it was time for a change.

- I don't know who you are. - Come on, it's me.

Beelzebub. Lord of the Flies.

Watch.

- There you go. - Why did you wanna meet me here?

Well, if we're gonna have background talks,

they can't be in either of our home territories.

And what do we need to discuss?

Arma-bloody-geddon.

That was a complete and utter pain in the ass.

- I know, but we are ready for round two. - As are we.

Utterly ready. Armageddon, here we come.

Arma-bloody-geddon. Arma-bloody-geddon.

Ah.

- Well, you lost. - So did you.

- No, we didn't. - Well, you didn't win.

Tell me about it.

Everyone in Heaven is all like, "Well, you're the commander-in-chief,

can't you just make the war happen anyway?" Like, I make the rules.

That's exactly what my lot said.

Well,

it's good to know there's someone who understands. Thank you.

It's a pity we'll never speak again.

I have a proposal to make.

Instead of Armageddon, what about...

no Armageddon?

An interesting proposal.

No Armageddon.

They won't like that, though.

Most of my demons live for Armageddon, if you can call that living.

Well, my angels too. But you can't always get what you...

live for.

Advantages to no Armageddon?

We keep the status quo, static and, um, quo-ey.

- No one can ever know, of course. - Of course.

A deal?

Mm.

I like this song.

Song?

- The music that's playing now. - What music?

The noise.

That's music?

I like it.

Contains information in a tuneful way.

Every day something is getting closer.

Then, um... Then I also like it.

♪ Love like yours Will surely come my way ♪

♪ A-hey, a-hey, hey ♪

♪ Love like yours Will surely come my way ♪

So...

agreement concluded.

No need to ever meet again, is there?

None whatsoever.

Let there be light.

I think the sculptor really caught something.

The shape of the head.

Beautiful. Really moving.

It's a very good likeness.

Sometimes I come here for hours and just...

look at it.

Right. Shall we go to the pub?

Two goblets of your intoxicating liquor, please. And, uh...

- Packet of crisps. - Very good, sir.

Which liquor would that be?

Whichever one it is you humans usually orally consume.

Two pints of regular, then.

What's that?

A classic 1960s jukebox.

You don't see many of them these days.

You just put your money in and tell it what you want to hear.

Oh...

You people.

Amazing.

Ha!

♪ Everyday it's a-gettin' closer ♪

♪ Goin' faster than a roller coaster ♪

♪ Love like yours will surely come my way... ♪

Here you go.

- You don't actually have to consume. - Oh.

- And the... - Oh, packet of crisps? Good.

♪ ...yours will surely come my way ♪

Is that... Did you...

- A small miracle. - Oh.

That song will always be there on that jukebox,

- to comfort the afflicted. - Mmm.

I should give you something.

Here. It's for you.

You never know when you'll need it.

It's a container, so...

it's bigger on the inside. You can put things in it.

Bye-bye.

I don't actually know what to say.

Why not?

No one's ever given me anything before.

♪ ...seems a little longer ♪

♪ Every way, love's a little... ♪

Aziraphale.

Michael, Uriel.

- Don't tell me. - I won't.

- It's Saraqael! - Saraqael!

Yes, I knew that. Of course it is

Oh, eesh.

You guys.

You.

Thank you.

Silly, silly angel.

Why?

I was coming to you, but...

I...

forgot.

Well, I think Aziraphale probably took much better care of you

than I could've done.

Beelzebub!

You traitor!

Collaborating with Heaven?

I didn't collaborate with Heaven

any more than Gabriel collaborated with Hell.

I just found something that mattered more to me than choosing sides.

That's really sweet.

- Enough to make you believe in true love. - Mortals?

What are mortals doing here? Someone turn them into pillars of salt.

- Saraqael. - I'm on it.

That... That won't be necessary. I'll see to this.

Maggie, Nina, you come with me.

You got this?

Oh, um, absolutely, yes.

Just don't, uh, tell anybody about any of this.

Not that anyone would ever believe a word of it.

Oh, God, I should've been open half an hour ago.

How can you think about that after all this?

People need coffee, I sell coffee, it's my coffee shop.

- I should be open by now. - Right, nice knowing you both.

Let's say goodbye forever

and pretend none of this ever happened, yeah?

Oh. Some of us have been working all night, you know.

Where did you come from?

I don't remember.

Good call. Never tell them how it's done,

unless they pay you for it first. Here, pick a card.

I'm going to my shop, to sleep behind the counter.

Unless you'd like some help?

Could you nip down the mini mart and pick me up some cream,

oat milk, soy milk, and almond milk?

Mm. I'm on it.

I can't hear you.

Can we have... Please, can we have a...

I've had quite enough of this.

You will speak one at a time.

I demand that you handover both Gabriel and Beelzebub

as gifts for Satan, our master.

He won't want them.

Maybe as hors d'oeuvres.

And I demand you hand them over to us,

to face celestial punishment.

Obviously we would be reserving the option

to send them both to Hell as our punishment.

But we'd be the ones doing it.

Why don't we ask them

where they'd like to go?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

No, there are precedents.

Hell doing Heaven's punishing for you.

Job, that was one. Lovely man, never met him.

Um, Gabriel,

Beelzebub,

what do you want?

I would like...

better clothes,

and I would like to be with Beelzebub.

Wherever Beelzebub is... is my Heaven.

Mm-hmm.

And where you are, my sweet, is forever my Hell.

You know, Alpha Centauri's nice.

Always wanted to go there.

Couple of decent planets. No nightlife to speak of.

If you leave,

you can never come back.

- That would be the point. - If you flee,

traitor,

Hell will send all its legions to hunt you down.

You know as well as I do how badly understaffed Hell is right now.

Anyway, with me not there, Shax,

you could be the next Grand Duke of Hell.

Grand Duke of Hell.

Angels and Demons, they can't just...

♪ Everyday, it's a-getting closer ♪

♪ Going faster than a rollercoaster ♪

♪ Love like yours will ♪

♪ Surely come my way ♪

♪ A-hey, a-hey-hey ♪

Ah, if you're going back to Hell, can I get my flat back?

- Who the hell cares? - I care!

I'm bored of living in my car.

And I don't think my car's much of a fan of it either.

I believe the Dark Council

will have something to say about all this nonsense.

Well, I'm sure they'll be thrilled that the mighty Shax

has uncovered a traitor in our midst.

Let's find out, shall we?

Order accurately and fast. I haven't slept in 30 hours

and I will not hesitate to mock you if I don't like your order.

Yes, I quite understand.

I'd like a...

large oat milk latte

with a dash of almond syrup, please.

Coming up.

Do people ever ask for death?

What?

Well, the name of your establishment, "Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death."

I assume they always ask for coffee.

They don't ever ask for death, no.

No, I don't suppose they do.

So predictable.

I am authorized to remove the name of anyone

who helped Gabriel from the Book of Life.

You will never have existed, Aziraphale.

In the absence of Gabriel,

- I am the Supreme Archangel. - Duty officer.

- And I... - Excuse me, I'm sorry,

I must interrupt you there.

Um...

Oh, and I've brought over a coffee.

I don't believe I asked for any interruptions.

I couldn't help it. You're talking utter balderdash.

I mean, complete piffle!

You don't have the authority to do anything like that.

Um, and who are you?

For Heaven's sake.

And I mean that most literally. You don't know me?

Well, uh, what about you, Demon? Do you know me?

- Get him out of here! - Really?

Oh, I know you.

Last time I saw you, you were a big, floating giant head, man.

Oh!

The Metatron.

Correct!

This calls much less attention, though.

Right, you, you, you, back to Heaven, spit, spot, not another word.

Ah-ah-ah! Not you.

Um... Your... Your Reverence, your...

- You Grace, your... - Oh, come on, spit it out.

Have we done anything wrong?

Well, that remains to be seen, does it not?

Well, go on, off you go, the lot of you!

Except the dim one.

I may need you.

Right.

It's just you and me, Aziraphale, eh?

I think we need to have a bit of a chinwag,

don't you?

I don't believe there's anything left to be said.

I've made my position quite clear.

Yeah, well, I brought you a coffee from the shop.

It's an oat milk latte

with a hefty jigger of almond syrup.

- You brought me a coffee? - Are you going to take it?

- Shall I? - Drink it?

Of course.

I've ingested things in my time, you know.

It's... It's very nice.

Yes, I should jolly well hope so.

Well, we have things to talk about.

Shall we take a little stroll?

Um...

Mm. Go on. They can't get any weirder.

Oh.

You should leave now too.

The Metatron told me to wait.

He said he might need me.

Me! He might need me.

Marvelous. Have a gold star.

- They'll be back soon. - Yes.

When Aziraphale does come back, I think we need a little us time.

After all this, I think we are going for

an extremely alcoholic breakfast at the Ritz.

Brilliant idea!

Breakfast. Us time.

Just us. Not you.

Oh. Oh, right, yes.

I can, um, explore the bookshop.

Um... you need to go.

Can I... Can I take a book with me?

I was looking at one earlier.

They're like people, only portable.

Go for it. Here, you'll like this one.

- No, it won't do any good. - It doesn't matter.

We have to tell them.

Fine.

Anyone wants anything, tell 'em we'll be back in five minutes.

Okay.

Tidied up.

Where's the other one? We need to talk to you.

- He's out. Not a good time. - I wasn't asking.

There are things you need to hear.

You and your... partner have been messing about in our lives.

We're not a game. We're real people.

You can't just pair us up for your amusement.

You were crying and Nina needed rescuing and...

My relationship just ended.

I am not ready to start another one yet.

I'd just be a rebound mess.

I can't start seeing Maggie.

When I'm ready, I hope she'll be there, but there isn't any guarantee.

- There is. - You're not helping, angel.

Look at you two.

You're the hard bitten one, the can't trust anyone ever again,

and Mr. Wherever He Is is the soft one who still believes in magic

and people being basically good and all that.

Why are you telling me all this? I don't understand.

That's why she's telling you.

Because you don't understand.

Because you and Mr. Fell don't ever talk to each other.

We talk all the time!

We've been talking for millions of years.

Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla.

I say something brilliant, he says something

unintentionally funny back. It's great.

You never say what you're really thinking.

That was all we needed.

It's what you two need as well.

Well, you don't have to answer immediately.

Take all the time you need.

I... I don't know what to say.

Well then, go and tell your friend the good news.

- We're just going. - I'm sure you two have a lot to say.

What's that you're holding, Muriel?

A book.

It's called a book.

I'm "reading" a book.

Excellent!

What a perfectly splendid thing to do!

Is it?

Oh. Yes. Jolly good.

Look, I suppose, um...

I've got something to say.

I know we ought to be talking about...

It's probably best if I start off doing all the talking,

you do all the listening, 'cause if I don't start talking now,

I won't ever start talking, right?

- Yes, so... - What's that lovely human expression?

Oh, yes! Hold that thought.

You see, I...

I have some incredibly good news to give you.

- Really? - I... um...

So, um...

the Metatron, you know, I don't think he's as bad a fellow...

Well, I think I might've misjudged him.

You see, I... Well, he said, um,

that Gabriel

obviously hadn't worked out...

as Supreme Archangel and Commander of the Heavenly Host,

and he asked who I thought should take over in Heaven

now that Gabriel was gone.

And I said...

- Michael? - Oh, don't be silly! No, no, no, no, no.

There's only one candidate who makes even the slightest bit of sense.

And that's you.

And I said, "Me?"

And he said...

Well, yes. You're a leader,

you're honest, you don't just tell people what they want to hear.

It's why Gabriel came to you in the first place, I imagine.

There are huge plans afoot, enormous projects,

and I will need you to run them.

You are just the angel for the job.

I... I don't want to go back to Heaven.

Where would I get my coffee?

You know, as Supreme Archangel,

you would be able to decide who to work with.

Yeah, I've been looking back over a number of your...

previous exploits, and I see that in quite a few of them

you formed a de facto partnership

with the demon Crowley.

Now, if you wanted to work with him again, that...

might be considered irregular,

but it would certainly be within your jurisdiction

to restore your friend, Crowley,

to full angelic status.

He said what?

He said I could appoint you

to be an angel.

You could come back to Heaven and...

and everything,

like the old times.

Only, even nicer.

Right.

And you told him just where he could stick it, then?

Not at all.

Oh, we're better than that, you're better than that, Angel!

You don't need them. I certainly don't need them!

Look, they asked me back to Hell, I said no.

I'm not gonna be joining their team. Neither should you.

But... Well, obviously you said no to Hell,

you're the bad guys.

But Heaven...

Well, it's the side of truth, of light,

of good.

When Heaven ends life here on Earth,

it'll be just as dead as if Hell ended it.

Tell me you said no.

Tell me you said no.

If I'm in charge...

I can make a difference.

Oh.

Oh, God. Right, okay.

Right. I didn't get a chance to say what I was going to say,

I think I'd better say it now

Right, okay, yes, so...

We've known each other a long time.

We've been on this planet for a long time. I mean, you and me.

I could always rely on you.

You could always rely on me. We're a team, a group.

Group of the two of us.

And we've spent our existence pretending that we aren't.

I mean, the last few years, not really.

And I would like to spend...

I mean, if Gabriel and Beelzebub

can do it, go off together, then we can.

Just the two of us. We don't need Heaven,

we don't need Hell, they're toxic.

We need to get away from them, just be an us.

- You and me, what do you say? - Come with me...

to Heaven. I'll run it, you can be my second in command.

We can make a difference.

You can't leave this bookshop.

Oh, Crowley.

Nothing lasts forever.

No.

No, I don't suppose it does.

Good luck.

Good luck? Crowley!

Crowley, come back,

to Heaven!

Work with me!

We can be together!

Angels...

doing good!

I... I need you!

I don't think you understand what I'm offering you.

I understand.

I think I understand a whole lot better than you do.

Well...

then there's nothing more to say.

Listen.

Do you hear that?

I don't hear anything.

That's the point.

No nightingales.

You idiot.

We could have been... us.

I...

I forgive you.

Don't bother.

How did he take it?

Um, not well.

Ah, well, always did want to go his own way.

Always asking damn fool questions, too.

Right, ready to start?

I...

But, um...

my bookshop.

Yes, well, for now

I've entrusted it to Muriel,

so it should be in good hands.

But...

Anything you need to take with you?

No.

Nothing I can think of.

Ah.

I think I...

Nothing at all.

Well, I can't think of a better angel

to wrap things up,

and to set into motion

the next step in the great plan.

Um, yes, you mentioned that.

Can I know what it is?

Well, it's something we need an angel of your talents to direct.

An angel who is familiar with how they do things on Earth.

- Ah. - We call it the Second Coming.

Doors closing. Going up.

♪ A nightingale sang ♪

♪ In Berkeley Square ♪