Original subtitles

You should know why you're about to die.

God has abandoned you.

The God who claims to love you,

who demands your praise,

has given you up to be destroyed.

Bad luck.

Shall we begin?

Stay your hand, Demon!

Despised tool of Satan,

in the name of Almighty God!

Avaunt!

Oh...

It's you. Dear me.

Haven't seen you since...

- the flood? - Ah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Well, sorry about this.

No, of course.

Oh God. Where was I?

- "Avaunt". - Yes, yes.

Avaunt, foul demon!

In the name of the Almighty, I command thee, begone!

No.

No?

No, thank you. See, I have a permit.

A permit? From whom?

- From God. - Oh...

You see, it's not that I mind jokes.

Oh no, no, no, no, no. No, no jokes.

- These goats belong to Job, right? - Yes, Job.

Who is, I might add, a particular favorite of God, so...

Shall I summarize?

Satan and his diabolical ministers

may destroy everything Job owns, no questions asked.

Hugs and kisses, God.

No!

This can't be real!

Job is a... good and... righteous man.

I mean, he really is an absolute poppet.

Well, I am a demon. Maybe I'm lying.

Tell you what, let's find out.

Seems legit to me!

So, sealed by our marks of hand and hoof.

Amen!

Yep, that's all fine!

Good heavens.

- What did he do? - Job? Nothing.

Job's the nicest man in the world.

That's why he's so perfect for the bet.

- The bet? - Yep.

You see, God was saying how righteous Job was

and how much Job loved God.

- And Satan pointed out... - Sorry, so Satan?

Mm-hmm, that maybe that was just 'cause God's been so nice to him.

Anyway, long story short,

God's letting Satan destroy everything Job has.

- And then we'll see. - Oh.

- So just his worldly goods. - Exactly.

Oh, nothing important, no.

Just his farm, his camels, his goat,

- his oxen, his children, his geese... - His what?

His geese. You know, big cross ducks.

His children?

Oh!

Oh, I see. Well, oh well, that's alright then.

Of course it is.

Trust in God's plan, Aziraphale. Always.

Of course, of course.

So, once Job's trials are over,

um, everything is restored to him?

Even better than that.

God will reward him with twice as much as he had before.

Oh, praise be.

Twice the oxen, twice the goats, twice the children.

Twice the... twice the children?

Yes, of course. How many does he have now, three?

- So, he'll get six! - Uh, probably... seven.

You know how God likes sevens.

Right. Gosh, um...

The only thing is, um...

Well... Sitis is 58.

I, I don't know how familiar you are

with the um, the human... birth process.

Pretty familiar actually,

seeing as how I personally witnessed the very first human birth.

Yes, yes of course.

Although perhaps Eve's birth

wasn't an entirely typical um... Anyway.

Um, I only meant,

are we sure that Sitis wants to give birth four more times?

Seven more times.

But, well, she's already got three children, so...

Yeah, but those ones will be dead.

Keep up.

We're not bringing the old ones back?

Well of course not!

But we're giving them new ones.

I think they quite like the old ones.

- And, and if... if we kill them. - Aziraphale...

we are the good guys.

Okay? We're not killing anyone.

What we are doing is simply not stopping hell.

What they do is up to them.

What comes after K?

Ah, you startled me.

- Is that good? - I just didn't see you coming.

Right.

Perhaps you could make a noise when you move around.

- Yes. - After K is L.

But look, what exactly are you doing?

Oh, I thought I'd make the books easier to find,

so I thought if I put them in alphabetical order.

Alphabetical... by author?

What's "author"?

No, I was shelving the books

by the first letter of the first sentence.

But no-one would ever... Jolly good. Good idea.

Thank you, Jim. Carry on.

And now I will make a noise when I move around.

Right.

Not that.

Or that.

♪ Every day It's a getting closer ♪

♪ Going faster than a rollercoaster ♪

♪ A love like yours will Surely come my way ♪

♪ A-hey... ♪

What are you singing?

Am I singing? Err...

♪ A-hey, a-hey... ♪

I guess I was.

Perhaps I made it up.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

That goes under I.

You're in trouble.

Obviously.

Former Demon, hated by Heaven, loathed by Hell.

How will our hero cope?

- Are you making fun of me? - Would you know if I was?

Mind if I come in?

- Gabriel has disappeared. - So I understand.

I've spoke with Beelzebub,

and we believe Aziraphale has something to do with it.

Yeah, that sounds unlikely.

A miracle of enormous power happened last night.

The kind of miracle

only the mightiest of archangels could've performed.

Mm?

Somewhere very close to your friend's bookshop.

Are you telling me you don't know what caused it?

How'd you know I didn't do it?

Help us, and we will be grateful.

And otherwise,

you'll be disliked by Heaven,

hunted and eliminated by Hell.

So you do understand I'm threatening you?

Ah, Maggie!

You know music.

What can you tell me about a song that goes:

♪ Every day It's a getting stronger ♪

♪ Love like that will ♪

♪ Surely come my way ♪

Oh. You're crying.

I'm not.

Do you actually think you aren't? Because I...

Yes, I know I'm crying. It's just a thing you say.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Then may I ask why you... aren't crying?

Well, I'm certainly not crying over her.

No, no. Naturally not.

I mean, sure,

it took me months to nerve myself up to even bring her an LP

and then absolutely, we got locked in the coffee shop last night

and granted I then made a complete arse of myself,

and she already has a partner!

But apart from that, I'm pretty sure I'm in love.

- Ah... - But she hates me and...

- What am I gonna do? - Um...

Can I get back to you on that?

I think right now I'm a bit out of miracles.

Yeah. Don't worry. I've got it.

And you're quite right,

it's not your job to sort out my doomed love life.

The song is called "Everyday" by Buddy Holly and Norman Petty.

It was the B-side to the "Peggy Sue" single

released on the Coral label in 1957.

Oh. Jolly good.

- Do you have a copy? - Mm. Too many of them.

There's a pub in Edinburgh.

I send them singles for the jukebox,

and they send me back copies of Everyday.

They say every record they play eventually just turns into that song,

which is mad, but they're Scottish, so...

Here.

Oh no.

- No, that's not good at all. - What?

- They're here. Can't you feel them? - Who's here?

And he's there on his own!

Ah. Well, well.

- Fancy meeting you here. - Aziraphale!

I think you know why we're here.

- We are looking... - Greetings! I'm Jim!

It's short for James, but I don't need to keep telling everyone that.

I'm an assistant book seller.

Gabriel.

- Where is Gabriel? - Gabriel?

You know sometimes people call me Gabriel.

- Shall we discuss this inside? - Yes!

By all means.

Would you like to come in?

Hooray! Let the book selling commence!

Uh, Jim, leave these good people alone.

They, they don't want any books.

Well, that's because they haven't tried them.

Books are keen! Let me show you.

Did you think we wouldn't see the plume?

The... The plume? What plume?

The huge plume of miraculous activity.

Last night. From this shop.

Nearly 25 Lazarii.

Don't tell me you did it?

I, I suppose I, um...

I might have done a miracle.

And what was this miracle for, Aziraphale?

Something that powerful must have been important.

These little bendy ones make a neato fan!

It was, um...

Err... Um, love! Yes!

Yes, um, you see, uh...

Maggie, who err, who owns the record shop

is in love.

It, it's what humans do.

Uh, with Nina, over the road.

And, and Ni-Nina doesn't love her back.

And, um, well, Maggie's my tenant,

so I, um... I did a big, big miracle...

uh, to make it so that she and Nina, err...

fell in love.

- And did it work? - Oh... Yes! Yes.

It, it worked brilliantly, yes.

Head over heels in love.

So the miracle was nothing to do with Gabriel's disappearance then?

Gabriel?

Oh, you mentioned you're looking for Gabriel.

- Did we? - Yes.

Mm!

And see, the big ones can be used as fly swats.

I know what you're thinking, but it's okay,

because the beauty part is, it never works.

Don't I...

Don't I know you?

Yes.

You do.

I'm the assistant bookseller.

I opened the door for you.

I'll send someone tomorrow morning to log and verify the miracle.

We'll be keeping a very close eye on you, Aziraphale.

That's very, very professional of you.

What... what about me?

Uh, guys, shouldn't you keep a close eye on me too?

They seemed nice.

♪ Everyday it's gettin' closer ♪

♪ Goin' faster than a roller coaster ♪

♪ Love like yours will ♪

♪ Surely come my way ♪

♪ A-hey, a-he-hey ♪

♪ Everyday, it's a gettin' faster ♪

♪ Everyone says: go ahead and ask her ♪

♪ Love like yours will... ♪

Oh, we're going to the pub!

- You never go to the pub! - We're in the pub now.

- What's wrong with the coffee shop? - Well, that is precisely the point.

Sherry for me please, a large one.

Ah...

Large Talisker, please. And a sherry for Lady Brackney.

Mr. Fell!

Oh... Hello?

Brown, from Brown's World of Carpets.

We met at the Whickber Street Traders and Shopkeepers Association

annual meeting several years ago.

- Of course. - You said back then

that you'd be delighted to host one of our monthly get-togethers.

I did?

Every time I would look into your shop, you'd be closed!

If I was a superstitious man, I would have taken it personally!

- Indeed. - Yes.

So, we all need to talk about the council's proposed

rubbish collection times and the Winter Street Lights campaign.

- Oh, I, I'm afraid that... - A sherry for you.

Whisky for me... Hello.

Oh, Mr. Fell has just been telling me how much he's looking forward

to hosting our monthly street association get-together.

- Ooh, you astonish me. - So, look, I'll send over all the details,

but Thursday night after closing.

See? This is why I don't go to the pub.

It was your idea!

There's something urgent I need to talk to you about.

Yes, same here. Last night's miracle.

Right. And we can't talk about it in the café.

- Because? - It's about the woman in the café!

Her name's Nina.

Maggie in the record shop has a...

pash on her...

and doesn't know how to conduct a courtship.

We've got a real problem and it's in your bookshop right now!

Same problem.

Our Gabriel miracle last night set off alarms in Heaven.

- Ahh! - They suspect something!

And so, I told them I'd made Nina and Maggie fall in love.

Why?

- It was the first thing I could think of. - And they believed you?

They're sending someone to check.

Great. Do a little miracle, wiggle your fingers about,

Nina falls for Maggie, problem solved.

Ah, miracles don't work like that.

So, what are you proposing?

We... fix it.

Nina and Maggie fall in love. Heaven's suspicions are allayed.

You mean like a sudden rainstorm

forces them together beneath a canopy?

They look into each other's eyes...

And realize they were made for each other?

- Sounds a bit unlikely. - No, no, no. No. No.

Get humans wet and staring into each other's eyes,

vavoom, sorted.

I saw it in a Richard Curtis film.

If you're going to invoke fiction,

- you might as well do it properly. - Properly?

- You remember Jane Austen? - Yeah.

I'm not gonna forget her in a hurry, am I?

The brains behind the 1810 Clerkenwell Diamond Robbery.

Brandy smuggler. Master spy.

What a piece of work.

She wrote books. Novels.

- Jane? Austen? - Yes!

Whoa, bit of a dark horse. Novels, eh?

Yes. They were very good.

Well. No, I'm just surprised, that's all.

You think you know someone.

- She had balls. - Well.

Cotillion balls.

People would gather and do some formal dancing

and then realize they had misunderstood each other

and were actually deeply in love.

- Now that sounds unlikely. - Works every time apparently.

And there's something else, I'll show you the record.

I think it may be... a Clue.

I'm lost. Am I doing a rainstorm?

Come on! I want to show you the Clue!

Whatever you've found out, don't call it a "Clue".

But it is a Clue.

Well, at least don't pronounce the capital letter.

Gabriel was singing this morning, a song.

Wha... what?

Have you ever heard a song that goes,

♪ Every day, it's a getting closer? ♪

- No. - Well, that's what he was singing.

A human song.

And there is an actual mystery associated with that song.

And that is the Clue! Yeah.

Not another word.

Jane Austen. Wrote books too.

You people, I will never get the hang of you lot.

Ah, Jim. Now, tell me. What do you know?

Okay.

"Whaddayaknow."

No, I mean, what's the first thing you remember?

I remember a song I sang this morning.

But where did you hear it?

I heard it this morning. It came out of my mouth.

Oh, and I remember those three nice people that were in the shop just now.

You do?

Yes. They were in the shop, just now.

Ah, you can do better than that.

Come on, think!

Think hard! What is the very first thing you remember?

I remember when the morning stars sang together,

and all the Angels of God shouted for joy.

Yes! Oh yes, yes! That's right!

- No... - Keep going!

- I can't. - Yes, you can.

I can't! I can't!

I can't remember those things.

My, my head isn't big enough. Not anymore.

Yes, I, I see. Um...

I'm sorry Jim.

But you've done awfully well.

Have a rest now.

Your boss said that to Job, do you remember?

I most certainly do.

- My children? - Mmm.

Are they around? Only I need them for a... thing.

I'm not sure.

Sitis will know.

Sorry, you've... you've come at rather a bad time.

Well, yeah, yeah, so I can see. What happened?

God has forsaken me and delivered me to demons.

Oh! You must be furious?

I burn with fury.

Course you do.

After all your devotion to God.

Not at God!

Fury at myself.

Yourself? Why, what have you done?

I don't know.

And how sunk in sin must I be not only to deserve all this,

but not even to know why.

What is it now?

Ah, Sitis my dear.

This... person was looking for the children.

Why? Who are you?

Just an old friend. Here to offer some comfort.

What 'old friend'?

You tell me.

Oh... Bildad the Shuhite?

Sure. So, the kids.

Where are they?

Oh. Not now Bildad the Shuhite.

Good of you to look in, but we're a tiny bit busy

weathering the wrath of God.

Well, yeah.

I thought you could do with someone to check up on the kids.

No.

God wouldn't!

Are you sure?

But they've done nothing! They're innocent!

So were the goats.

Mmmm. Nice gaff.

Shame...

Crowley!

You don't have to destroy Job's children.

Last time we met you seemed pretty confident

I couldn't destroy Job's goats.

Yes. I was wrong.

- Technically you can, but... - Oh, then technically I will.

But you don't have to! That's the point.

Surely the great thing about being a demon

is you can do whatever you want.

- Mm, you sound jealous, angel. - Certainly not.

I get to do what God wants.

Like killing innocent children to win a bet with Satan?

I... I don't think...

- that is what God wants. - Well...

And I don't think you want it either.

What do you know about what I want?

- I know you. - You do not know me

I know the angel you were.

The angel you knew is not me.

Then... Then you tell me that you want to do this.

You look me in the eye and tell me.

I want to.

I long to destroy the blameless children of blameless Job,

just as I destroyed his blameless goats.

Then God forgive you.

Well?

- You can stop grinning. - I'm not grinning.

Doesn't mean we're on the same side.

No! No...

Temporarily not on different sides.

Just as you say.

Be not afraid!

I am an angel of the Lord thy God.

Oh. Have you brought the wine Daddy prayed for?

- For the party? - Err, err... No.

I have no wine, child.

- I bring... - Ennon!

- What is it? - The angels are here.

Just not our usual ones.

And they haven't brought the wine.

Well them you'd better pop off and get it now, hadn't you?

Ooh, he seems nice.

I bring a warning!

Satan has sent a demon to destroy you!

- Tonight! - Don't be silly.

He wouldn't dare.

I'm sorry, Satan?

- Satan wouldn't dare? - Certainly not.

You see, I'm Keziah, daughter of Job.

I'm Ennon, son of Job.

And I'm Jemimah! I made this pot!

- Oh. - She did.

But also: daughter of Job.

You know, the Job?

Literally God's favorite human.

Yes, I know who you are.

- You're a funny looking angel. - Aren't I just?

Are you a demon?

Oh, she's good.

Ah... Yes. He is in fact technically a demon.

Spot on.

Sent here to destroy you all!

Ready?

But... you said you wouldn't.

I'm a demon. I lied. Ah!

Can't you save us?

I'm afraid not. He has a permit, you see.

But... be not afraid.

You're perfectly safe.

Are you sure, Angel?

Yes. Quite sure.

What happened? We're in the cellar.

I knew it!

Wind, I assume.

That's what Satan really has planned.

A mighty wind from the wilderness

to smite the mansion and bring it down upon them.

Ooh, aren't you brilliant?

Actually I, I think getting us all in the cellar was very clever.

Will someone please tell me...

...what...

What have you done to him?

This.

Can I be a blue one?

It's alright. You haven't annoyed me yet.

But can I be?

Oh. Sure.

Oh. They've started early.

Well...

Might as well get comfortable.

Are you... drinking human wine?

It's the source of drunkenness.

Isn't it just?

Mmmm.

Very promising little vineyard.

Yeah alright, you don't drink.

Try the food, though.

You can't get drunk on food.

Go on.

Have an ox-rib.

Are you trying to tempt me?

Not at all. Angels can't be tempted, can you?

- Certainly not. - Well, there you are then.

You're free to try the food.

Oh, I say.

Cheers.

Come on! You're a little bit on our side.

Not even the littlest.

Well, you're not on Hell's side.

I go along with Hell as far as I can.

So whose side are you on?

My side.

Gosh.

Well, that sounds...

What?

Lonely.

Lonely? No, not lonely.

Whose side are you on?

God's, of course!

Oh, really?

The same God that wants me to whack the kids?

Yes.

- But... - Yeah...

That's just how it started for me.

See you in Hell.

Oh, my God!

Blasphemy, Angel? That's not like... you.

No, look! Oh...

My God!

Job, if you have questions for me,

I have questions for you.

Do you know how I created the earth?

Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth, Job?

Were you there when all the morning stars sang together

and all the angels shouted for joy?

- Is God actually... - I think so.

...talking to him?

- I don't suppose he's getting any answers. - No.

But just to be able to ask the question.

Do you know the rules of the heavens?

Did you set the constellations in the sky?

Can you send lightning bolts and get them to report back to you?

Did you give wings to peacocks, Job,

or teach the ostrich to run?

What did God say?

Um... I'm not sure.

I didn't understand much.

Things too wonderful for me.

Ostriches came into it.

- Ostriches? - And whales.

God's very proud of the whale.

Went into some detail about... how great whales are.

They explain?

I think the point was,

if you want answers,

come back when you can make a whale.

And the children?

Did They mention the children?

No.

No.

Virtuous Job,

you have passed God's test.

Prepare for your reward.

Behold, where you have lost 300 sheep,

the Lord grants you 600!

Sorry, sorry.

What do you say?

Thank you?

Well, don't thank me. Thank God!

You want me to thank God for sheep?

Our children.

What about our children?

Yes, yeah, yes...

I was... I was, I was getting to that!

For Lo,

though your three children are completely dead,

God now grants that you may conceive seven more children!

- Our children are dead? - Yeah.

But I loved my children!

I don't... I don't want more children.

If my children are dead, then I will curse God and...

Whoa! Ho-ho...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... That never ends well.

Remember me? Bildad the Shuhite?

- Um... - Who is this?

Err, he says he's Bildad the Shuhite?

And so I am. Bildad the Shuhite.

Need any shoes?

Shuhite of course means from the land of Shua.

- Yes. - Indeed, it does.

Where, as it happens, I am a leading shoemaker.

What, you think they don't wear shoes in Shua?

Yes, well, it would be really useful

if you were an expert on human births?

Then this is your lucky day!

Shoemaking and obstetrics.

Those have always been the twin passions of Bildad the Shuhite.

What seems to be the trouble?

Well, um, Sitis here

has just learned that she is to have lots more children.

Oh! Well!

Let's get started! No need to be shy, Sitis.

I am a professional midwife slash cobbler.

And I'm sure these angelic entities have seen it all before.

Yes, in fact Gabriel here

has personally witnessed childbirth in the Garden of Eden.

Have you now? Wow.

Then I'd better be on my toes, under the eyes of an expert.

- Oh... - Ah, um...

...exactly what I say. Trust me.

Um...

Now, good lady,

simply turn to your husband,

reach into his robes...

H-higher. Higher.

Uh, a little higher...

That's it! And pull out three of his ribs.

Oh yeah. Uh, ribs. It's... Don't worry.

It's all part of the process. I've seen this before.

And to complete the process, a simple embrace.

- Mummy! - Oh!

But... they're not babies.

Certainly not.

Was Eve a baby?

- Was she? - No, no.

They can arrive in any size.

Ennon, my boy!

- Ennon? - No, no, no.

Not Ennon, Job. Ennon's gone.

This is your new son.

- But it is... - A miracle.

It is a miracle that our new son

should look so much like our old son.

- But it is... - No, Job. Look.

It's not Ennon, it's a new child.

These are all... They're all new children.

No, you're right! It's not Ennon.

Yes, it bloody is.

Aziraphale, are these the new children God promised Job?

They certainly seem to be.

No, they certainly ought to be.

But they seem to be his old children.

Aziraphale, who are they?

They are...

His new children.

I... You have my word as an angel.

Well, that's alright then. Huh?

Why didn't you just say so?

Congratulations!

Crowley?

He went away.

While you were thinking.

You know, you really used to be...

awful.

I mean, so awful.

Am I awful now?

I don't know.

I hope not.

Oh... Good.

You're the one from yesterday. Struck by lightning.

It looked worse than it was.

Mr. Six Espressos In a Big Cup.

Silly questions, but how do you feel about sudden rain?

Yeah. That's a silly question alright.

No, but in the event of a sudden torrential downpour,

would you be likely to shelter under an awning?

Wow. It...

It's like you've looked deep into my secret soul.

Well, it's a knack.

For instance...

Oh? Maggie?

Oh, err, no. Not a thing. Definitely.

We're just friends.

Actually, we're not friends. We barely know each other.

We just got trapped in the shop when the power went out.

My partner was not impressed.

Well, not a pleasant evening. That's all.

Gotcha.

Do you need a lift somewhere?

Err, no. Thank you.

I was trying to tell you about this.

My Clue.

- "The Resurrectionist." - Pub.

Has a jukebox.

This record was found on the jukebox.

So what?

So first it wasn't on the jukebox.

It doesn't seem to matter what people in the pub want to listen to,

sooner or later every record turns into this.

It is, as you might say... a miracle.

Ooh.

So, I thought I might pop up there myself

and investigate!

Fair enough. What time's your train?

Actually I rather thought I might take the car.

- What car? - Our car.

- We don't have a car. - Of course we do.

Isn't she a beauty?

This Bentley is my car.

Well, yes, technically.

Just as that bookshop is technically my shop,

but... we both get plenty of use out of it, don't we?

You can't drive my Bentley.

No, I can! I have a license, yes.

I passed my driving test 90 years ago.

They didn't even require tests, but I insisted.

No.

Don't worry!

- I'll be very, very careful. - No!

And while I'm gone, you can look after the bookshop.

And Gabriel.

Yes?

"It was the day my grandmother exploded."

"It is a truth universally acknowledged

that a single man in possession of a good fortune

must be in want of a wife."

Whatever that is.

"It was a nice day."

That's more like it.

Ah. Yes, I thought perhaps they might send you.

Well...

I'm ready to go.

- Go where? - To Hell.

I'm not taking you to Hell, Angel.

Why not?

Well, I don't think you'd like it.

But you have to.

I'm like you now.

A demon.

Sorry.

You think you're a demon?

With your curly little... and your neat white...

I'm a fallen angel!

I lied.

To thwart the will of God.

Well yeah, you did, but...

I'm not gonna tell anybody.

Are you?

No. Then nothing has to change, does it?

But what am I?

You're just an angel who goes along with Heaven

as far as he can.

That sounds, um...

Lonely?

Yeah.

But you said it wasn't.

I'm a demon.

I lied.