subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Sugar.&.Spice.2001.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.x264-monkee

Afrikaans

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic Download

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bengali

Bosnian Download

Bulgarian

Catalan

Cebuano

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch Download

English Download

Esperanto

Estonian

Filipino

Finnish

French Download

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek Download

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Irish

Italian Download

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Khmer

Korean

Kurdish (Kurmanji)

Kyrgyz

Lao

Latin

Latvian

Lithuanian

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Nepali

Norwegian

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese Download

Punjabi

Romanian

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Sesotho

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhala

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish Download

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Telugu

Thai Download

Turkish

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Odia (Oriya)

Kinyarwanda

Turkmen

Tatar

Uyghur

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:19,420 Single file. 2 00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:22,756 Stay to the right of the line. 3 00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:23,823 Take your time. 4 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:27,228 Take a good look. 5 00:00:27,295 --> 00:00:29,830 Hey, um, are you sure they can't see us? 6 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,065 One-way mirror, ma'am. 7 00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:35,969 Picture, in 3... 2... 1. 8 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:43,944 * girls hit back * 9 00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,780 * when you least expect * 10 00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:51,252 * where you most regret it * 11 00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:55,556 * girls think they're misunderstood * 12 00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:58,592 * but I know goddamned well * 13 00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:02,830 * all the things they do they do to nerve me * 14 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,398 * I don't mean to say it * 15 00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:09,103 * but somebody needs to put an end to girls * 16 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:15,109 * wish I didn't need them * 17 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:18,312 a heinous crime has been committed here. 18 00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:20,248 Should you decide that your testimony 19 00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:21,874 might jeopardize your personal safety... 20 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,685 Look, Sipowicz, I said I'd tell you everything. 21 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:29,790 I was just hoping we could finish this up before menopause kicks in. 22 00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,926 Let's start with the one that thinks her butt don't stink... 23 00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:35,363 Diane Weston. 24 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:40,234 She's like a damn poster child for high school. 25 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:41,802 Morning, sunshine. 26 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,872 Remember, these are the best days of your life. 27 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,009 So far. 28 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:50,878 She's the "a" squad captain. 29 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,346 She stole that title from me. 30 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,182 You should charge her with that. 31 00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:56,250 Alright, let's take it from the top. 32 00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:59,019 And one, and two, and one, and two... 33 00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:00,288 One, and two... 34 00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,290 Hi, Bruce. You look cute. 35 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:03,491 Tommy Hilfiger. 36 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,893 I'm hoping 4th year's the charm. 37 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,027 Heh. 38 00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,497 Outta my way, Bruce. I'm up. 39 00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:13,667 Lisa... Is that you? 40 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,105 I lost a little weight. 41 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,140 Wow. 42 00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:21,775 This really should've been my year. 43 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,411 I had a lot of work done. 44 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:26,480 I mean, I had done a lot of work over the summer. 45 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,916 You could tell I made her nervous. 46 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:33,387 But they have to, you know, spread the talent around, so... 47 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:37,191 I've been on the "B" squad for 4 years. 48 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,527 Now, the squad as a whole... 49 00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,695 They're closer than Carolina cousins. 50 00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:45,233 I mean, some people say they're like cousins or something, 51 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,502 but that's just mostly the egg-offs in band. 52 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,241 Truth is they're so close 53 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:56,009 they all get their monthly visit from aunt rose 54 00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:57,445 at the same time. 55 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,647 This one's Hannah Wald. 56 00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,015 She's like this uberchristian, 57 00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,451 doesn't really say much. 58 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,553 In fact, if she wasn't kind of pretty, 59 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,821 you'd go, "hey, who's the tart?" 60 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,291 Then there's Cleo Miller. 61 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:13,461 Number one: Not a real c-cup. 62 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,128 I've been in the locker room. 63 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,864 And number 2... 64 00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:19,767 She has to see the school shrink. 65 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,470 She's completely obsessed 66 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,971 with Conan O’Brien. 67 00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,675 Dreams? 68 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:31,779 You mean like where I'm in Conan’s all-leather apartment? 69 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:34,548 Heh. I mean, I don't know if he has one, 70 00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,450 but that's why it's a dream. 71 00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:41,789 And suddenly, we're buck-naked and all oiled up. 72 00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:43,924 I don't know where the oil comes from, 73 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,926 but, again, that's why it's a dream. 74 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:49,129 Then there's Kansas hill, the original bad seed. 75 00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:53,367 Son of a blue-balled bitch, I always get this one! 76 00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:55,603 Mouth on her could stop a bull in heat. 77 00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,571 She gets her brain from her mother. 78 00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:59,340 Kansas' mom's been in prison 79 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,775 ever since the day she was born. 80 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:05,479 She was just lying there, in labor with Kansas, 81 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,482 when she hears something going on in the next bed. 82 00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:10,651 Turns out it's Kansas's dad 83 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,853 taking a nurse's temperature. 84 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:17,157 Stay with me. I'm trying to be delicate. 85 00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:19,327 Anyway, she whips out a shotgun 86 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,329 and blows his ass to kingdom come. 87 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,431 So, she got life without parole 88 00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,334 and now Kansas lives with her grandparents. 89 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,035 And then there's Lucy. 90 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,070 Geek extraordinaire. 91 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,705 A walking left brain. 92 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:35,275 She's supposed to have this genius IQ, but the truth is 93 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:38,646 she's an obsessive-compulsive little freak. 94 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,350 Ok, hands in, ladies. 95 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,355 Today, we're gonna cheer loud, 96 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,557 jump high, and look pretty because... 97 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,659 Cheerleaders kick... 98 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,094 Let's get going, 'cause no one ever got ahead 99 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,830 by sitting on their behind. 100 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:57,931 * oh, yeah * 101 00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,767 School year started off like normal. 102 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,702 Principal Smith gave his pep talk. 103 00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:05,205 If you are approached to buy drugs, 104 00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:08,776 let someone you trust know. 105 00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:14,448 If you are thinking of harming yourself, 106 00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,450 or others... 107 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,186 Let someone know. 108 00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,989 If it burns when you urinate, 109 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,625 have milky seepage, 110 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:28,862 or are being touched by an uncle, 111 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:31,164 let someone know. 112 00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:32,733 Uhh. 113 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,102 Come on, you guys! 114 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,405 Let's hear it for the Lincoln "a" squad! 115 00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,942 Lisa, voice-over: "A" squad? Right. 116 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:45,212 I was doing better dance numbers in grade school. 117 00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:46,880 It really burned my toast. 118 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,855 Now, I know it's my duty to give you all the facts. 119 00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:30,958 So I'm gonna have to say that their cheer blew 120 00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,393 like a bulimic after Christmas dinner. 121 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,832 Their blatant disregard 122 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,368 for national high school cheerleading association rules 123 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:44,371 made me sick. 124 00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,574 Basket toss flips and woolfall pyramids 125 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,910 over 2 people high are strictly prohibited. 126 00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:55,282 Yeah! 127 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,985 I made a complete report and sent it in. 128 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:20,641 Hey! Go, Lincoln! 129 00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:24,177 Hey! Go, Lincoln! 130 00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:27,014 Hey... go... Lincoln! 131 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:31,051 And, finally, the moment we'd all been waiting for... 132 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,120 Transferring from Truman high, 133 00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,556 the new star quarterback 134 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:38,892 of our mighty fightin' Lincolns, 135 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,694 Jack Bartlett! 136 00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:42,563 That's when Jack and Diane met. 137 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:45,065 Nobody saw it coming... 138 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,200 Especially not Jack. 139 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,604 Pffft! Ha ha ha ha! 140 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,451 Jack was fine. 141 00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,954 Oh, man, was he fine. 142 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,422 It was like he was a bar of chocolate 143 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,825 and the whole school was on the rag. 144 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:14,361 Everyone wanted a piece of him. 145 00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:17,364 Jack Bartlett. 146 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,367 Jack Bart-lett. 147 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:21,869 Jack Bartlett. 148 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:26,106 Is Jack Bartlett interested in me? 149 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,240 I'm sorry, 150 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,409 can someone else please run the board? 151 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:32,079 It's creepy, it's wrong, and it goes against the teachings 152 00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,947 of my lord and savior, Jesus Christ. 153 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,316 Hannah, in order to get real answers from netherworld, 154 00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,952 you've got to have a Christian virgin run the board. 155 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,589 Your kind is pure. The devil won't mess with you. 156 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,290 Well, uh, technically, 157 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,826 I don't think I'm a virgin anymore. What! 158 00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:49,462 At church camp this summer, I'm pretty sure I had, 159 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,832 you know, my first orgasm. 160 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:54,702 Any sentence that starts with, "at church camp..." 161 00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,136 Ain't leading to the big "O." 162 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,138 That's not true. Those pictures of Christ, 163 00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,808 all sweaty and bare-chested on the cross, 164 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,210 always kinda made me hot. 165 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:06,847 I wanna know what happened. 166 00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,216 Ok, well, one night around sunset, 167 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,251 I went horseback riding with the nuns. 168 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,753 They went every night. 169 00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:14,988 And we're trotting pretty hard, you know? 170 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,924 All of a sudden, I feel... 171 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:20,327 I feel just super-alive, you know? 172 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,698 Maybe I'll just ask the question myself. 173 00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,702 Is Jack Bartlett interested in me? 174 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,270 Hee. 175 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:32,806 He is. 176 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,146 Hey, man, is this thing, like, on? 177 00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:42,482 Ok, I'm just here to announce my candidacy 178 00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,151 for the homecoming queen. 179 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:47,487 Uh, I plan to spread the word on 4-h. 180 00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:49,222 It's all about the cows, man... 181 00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:52,059 Lisa, voice-over: I'll be honest with you... Most of us realized 182 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,728 we didn't have a whore's chance in heaven with Jack, 183 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,529 the day of the candidate speeches. 184 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,465 Youth... 185 00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,400 And agriculture. 186 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,335 4-h! 4-h rules! 187 00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,210 Thank you, sir. 188 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,277 Good job. 189 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,215 Um, as... as the a-v club candidate... 190 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:18,986 I think, for the... For the first time in 50 years... 191 00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:21,221 Uh, we should... We should say no. 192 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:25,793 We should say no to a football player as king. 193 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:28,595 Vote brains over brawn... 194 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,263 Ha ha ha! 195 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,733 Aw. 196 00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:50,718 Woo! 197 00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,387 Lisa, voice-over: It was the first time 198 00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:56,456 most of us even heard Jack speak. 199 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,591 Thanks, wow, heh heh. 200 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,128 We weren't disappointed. 201 00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,463 Ok, guys. Hey, guys... 202 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:04,898 Would you shut up a minute? 203 00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:06,966 I was just joking. 204 00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:13,073 Well, uh, I just think it really rocks 205 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:15,342 that the football team picked me as their 206 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,244 you know, um, candidate. 207 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,346 Woof, woof, woof. 208 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:20,412 Yeah! 209 00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,082 We love you, Jack! 210 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,151 Well, I love you, too, lunch ladies. 211 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:29,289 I just wanna say that there's only 3 things I want in life... 212 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:32,292 To someday become a senator of this great state... 213 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,296 I wanna lead the mighty fightin' Lincolns 214 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,165 to victory at the homecoming game. 215 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,968 Alright! 216 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,034 Ow! 217 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:46,273 And, uh, I want to go to the homecoming dance 218 00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,507 with Diane Weston. 219 00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,084 Ha ha ha. 220 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,236 Ugh, they were like friggin' Barbie and Ken, 221 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,772 but without the pink, remote-control corvette. 222 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,008 Overnight, people were going, like... 223 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,510 Ohh, they're the perfect couple. 224 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,913 They're so cute. 225 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,981 I'm sure it gave the Internet whacks 226 00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:30,183 something to talk about besides agent Scully 227 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,920 and their most recent wet dream. 228 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:37,024 Now, I'm not one to gossip... 229 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:44,097 But I think Jack and Diane got so close, so fast, 230 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:47,801 because they discovered how much they both loved... 231 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,169 Football. 232 00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:52,005 Man, did they love their football. 233 00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,308 Hey, ho, let's go! 234 00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:56,977 Hey, ho... 235 00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:58,946 I don't know about the "hey," 236 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,448 but "ho" is right on the money. 237 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,016 If they'd asked, 238 00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:05,618 I easily could've helped them with some new material. 239 00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:08,121 Green 88! Green 88! 240 00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:10,589 Set, hut. 241 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,306 * hey, ho * 242 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:27,674 * let's go * 243 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,076 * hey, ho * 244 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,911 * let's go * 245 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,280 woo-hoo! 246 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:46,927 I... love... you. 247 00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:51,531 I... love... you. 248 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,678 Woo! Woo, yeah! 249 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,214 Ha ha! 250 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,681 Yeah! 251 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,417 Yeah, baby. 252 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,186 Oof! 253 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,890 * hey, ho, let's go * 254 00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:18,258 right about here 255 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,493 is where it really started to hit the fan. 256 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,963 Don't worry, I'll clean this up a bit 257 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:25,933 if I have to appear in court. 258 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:28,268 Especially if we're on court TV. 259 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,776 Excuse me, Vendela, have you seen Diane? 260 00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:40,547 Because we were supposed to go to the homecoming dance tonight. 261 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:44,217 Oh. 262 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:45,785 Mmm. 263 00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,820 Oh, baby. 264 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,156 Mmm. Oh! 265 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:52,425 Oh! Oh! 266 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:53,626 Aw, look at this. 267 00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,196 Oh, my, look at that. 268 00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:58,898 Look at those two. 269 00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:01,834 Alright. Hold up. I have an announcement to make. 270 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,972 Me and Diane, uh... 271 00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,707 Oh, what the hey? We're getting married. 272 00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:11,144 No! Yes! Ha ha ha! 273 00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:16,916 But, well... 274 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,186 Not before I have our baby. 275 00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:23,490 Aaah! 276 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:25,458 So, when your dad said, 277 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,195 "I never want to see your f-ing faces again," 278 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:30,964 do you think he meant "forever" forever 279 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:33,266 or just until your mom wakes up? 280 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,935 I don't know. 281 00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:37,370 What was that sound she made 282 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,107 right before she hit the ground? 283 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:46,113 Well, if I had to guess, 284 00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:48,381 I'd say that was the sound of a mother 285 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,251 saying good-bye to her little boy 286 00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:53,853 and hello to the young man 287 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,389 who's going to be a daddy of his own. 288 00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,528 Jack... do you know what I see here? 289 00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,630 Spit from your dad? 290 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:07,034 Heh. I see a flower. 291 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,502 And you know, even the most beautiful flowers 292 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,438 still grow from dirt. 293 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:13,540 Yeah. 294 00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:15,908 And while we're knee-deep in it right now 295 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,245 and things may seem pretty stinky, 296 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:22,149 in the long run we're gonna grow strong from this. 297 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:23,816 You think? 298 00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:25,252 I sure do. 299 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,054 Diane... 300 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,824 I-I've loved you since I first saw you. 301 00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:36,296 Right before you kicked me in the head. 302 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,765 Oh, Jack. 303 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:53,046 * you can be happy when everyone's singing * 304 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:55,248 * it's so fun * 305 00:16:56,683 --> 00:17:01,754 * just try to remember... * 306 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,756 Lisa, voice-over: Now... I don't think 307 00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:07,327 Diane just up and told the squad about the baby that night, 308 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:10,597 but somehow they managed to figure it out. 309 00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:13,200 No, thanks. Don't need one. 310 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,374 So? 311 00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:24,244 Holy smoke. 312 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,946 You just became a statistic. 313 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:29,048 Oh, my God. I'm not the first. 314 00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,950 But... but you're not married. 315 00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:34,354 Wait, did you say you are pregnant or you were pregnant? 316 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,089 You had it, threw it out, 317 00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,924 now you're gonna dance all night? 318 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,526 Shut up, Cleo. 319 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:41,794 Di, how much you need for an abortion? 320 00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:44,231 What?! No. Not an abortion. 321 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,666 My church can arrange for you to go to Oregon 322 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:49,102 and take care of an aunt for 9 months. 323 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,537 They find your baby a home, 324 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,905 you come back a little dazed and puffy 325 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:54,341 but everything's fine. 326 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,809 Please, Di, don't be a whore and a murderer. 327 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,114 Lisa, voice-over: Jack told the team that night. 328 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:02,915 Hey, guys, I, uh... 329 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,552 I got Diane pregnant. 330 00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:06,719 What? 331 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,455 Well, alright! 332 00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:10,623 You nailed Diane Weston? 333 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:13,726 Ha! I'd never wash my Johnson again. 334 00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:15,827 Hey. 335 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:16,929 Yeah. 336 00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,298 Ha-hoo! 337 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,439 I didn't mean to say "whore," Diane. 338 00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:28,741 Just that I hear it so much at church 339 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,344 it kind of came flying out of my head. 340 00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,380 I know, Hannah. 341 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,948 Look... I'm not gonna get an abortion. 342 00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:39,386 I've always planned on getting married and having kids. 343 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,921 I'm just going a little out of order. 344 00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:46,526 Kind of reminds me of another young lady 345 00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:51,731 who found herself with child, unmarried... 346 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,000 On a long, long road... 347 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,902 With no place to sleep. 348 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:59,972 Of course, that was a long, long time ago. 349 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,041 But no matter what, 350 00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:05,378 she held her head high and said, 351 00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:08,881 "papa, don't preach. 352 00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:10,983 "I'm in trouble deep. 353 00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:14,086 "Papa, don't preach, 354 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,155 "'cause I made up my mind. 355 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,090 "I'm keepin' my baby. 356 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:21,794 Yeah, I'm gonna keep my baby." 357 00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:25,898 The great one. 358 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:27,200 Madonna. 359 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,469 We're here for you, Diane. 360 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:32,672 You guys... 361 00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,841 Thanks. Oh... 362 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:39,212 I'll pray for you every night. 363 00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:40,513 We love you. 364 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:43,115 I love you guys. You're the best. 365 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,052 Lisa, voice-over: I guess their little fairy tale could've ended there. 366 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:49,188 The only problem was they didn't have a place to live. 367 00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:52,158 What? But all of our paperwork's here. 368 00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:53,693 My school records 369 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,428 and Jack's football records. 370 00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,464 Let me explain something... 371 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,131 No, wait... Did I say... 372 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,667 "cross my heart, hope to die" 373 00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,602 that we will never miss a payment? 374 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,838 Uh, yes. Yes, you did. 375 00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:08,140 I think I know where this one's going. 376 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,976 Um, listen... 377 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,779 I'm willing to put up my papers on my GTO. 378 00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:17,417 Now, she's got a few miles on her, but she looks great. 379 00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:18,851 I'm sure, son, but, um... 380 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:19,918 Oh, ow! 381 00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:21,821 She's twisting my arm. 382 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,923 I'm gonna throw in the speakers, too. 383 00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:27,193 Why don't you just have your parents come and get the loan 384 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,329 and then they can give you the money? 385 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,197 With all due respect, ma'am, 386 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:34,334 Jack and Diane Bartlett... 387 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,102 Do not accept charity. 388 00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:39,171 We are 2 young, able-bodied Americans. 389 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,073 We're not looking for a handout 390 00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:42,542 we're looking for a hand up. 391 00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:45,712 Give us food, and we'll be hungry tomorrow 392 00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:46,979 but give us corn... 393 00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:49,382 The kind you plant, not eat... 394 00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:51,784 And we'll grow it 395 00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:55,121 and uh, um... cut it, 396 00:20:55,187 --> 00:20:57,056 and, uh... 397 00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:58,691 You know, eat it. 398 00:20:58,758 --> 00:20:59,892 Hmm. 399 00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:01,494 Now, if you're interested 400 00:21:01,561 --> 00:21:04,331 in giving us a home loan, I will sit back down. 401 00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,766 If not, have a nice day, ma'am. 402 00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:09,235 Sorry. My hands are tied. 403 00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:10,470 Oh! 404 00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,443 Whew. 405 00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:19,712 Lisa, voice-over: Somehow, they managed to find their dream house anyway. 406 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:22,048 More of a dump, if you ask me. 407 00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:23,114 We'll take it. 408 00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:28,488 Fine. Settle down, ok? Just keep in mind... 409 00:21:28,555 --> 00:21:32,058 I manage the building, ok? I don't own it and don't fix squat. 410 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,494 And I also don't care if things break, ok? 411 00:21:34,561 --> 00:21:36,128 All I care is you little bastards 412 00:21:36,195 --> 00:21:39,399 shove the rent under my door on the first, you got that? 413 00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:40,800 You understand that? 414 00:21:40,867 --> 00:21:44,236 Ok. Oh, yeah, and one more thing. 415 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:45,905 You see any packages outside my door, 416 00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:49,241 you leave 'em the hell alone. Capisce? 417 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:50,477 Ugh... 418 00:21:54,347 --> 00:21:57,216 2 taco grr-rrandes! 419 00:21:57,283 --> 00:22:01,354 One bean burr-rrito. 420 00:22:01,421 --> 00:22:05,825 A large taco chip. 421 00:22:05,892 --> 00:22:07,960 And guacamole. 422 00:22:10,397 --> 00:22:12,298 And that'll be... 423 00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:15,402 35 cents. 424 00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:21,508 We don't really have fried rats in the buckets. 425 00:22:22,942 --> 00:22:25,478 I know. I checked. 426 00:22:28,147 --> 00:22:29,516 I'm gonna save you the time. 427 00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:31,551 I'm not gonna lie. Don't believe in it. 428 00:22:31,618 --> 00:22:33,820 If you pick your ass, I'm gonna tell people. 429 00:22:33,886 --> 00:22:36,055 Have no idea how to run your register. 430 00:22:36,122 --> 00:22:37,557 You're Jack Bartlett, right? 431 00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:39,392 Yeah. 432 00:22:39,459 --> 00:22:41,828 So, you'd be, like, hanging out with us 433 00:22:41,894 --> 00:22:43,863 every night after school, then, right? 434 00:22:43,930 --> 00:22:46,365 Yeah. Well, I mean, after football practice, yeah. 435 00:22:46,433 --> 00:22:48,535 Football practice? 436 00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,372 Fantasmic. 437 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,575 You're so hired. 438 00:23:03,249 --> 00:23:05,618 I'm on top of the world! 439 00:23:11,758 --> 00:23:12,592 Errr! 440 00:23:12,659 --> 00:23:14,427 Hey, Di, if we have a girl, 441 00:23:14,494 --> 00:23:16,262 we should dress her like little Debbie. 442 00:23:16,328 --> 00:23:17,897 Jack, honey, I'm only eating for two. 443 00:23:17,964 --> 00:23:19,732 I know, but this food reminds me 444 00:23:19,799 --> 00:23:21,601 how much I wanna teach our baby, 445 00:23:21,668 --> 00:23:23,870 like cocoa puffs is good, captain crunch is bad. 446 00:23:23,936 --> 00:23:25,705 It shreds the roof of your mouth. 447 00:23:25,772 --> 00:23:26,972 You're not born with knowledge. 448 00:23:27,006 --> 00:23:28,741 You hear "trix are for kids." 449 00:23:28,808 --> 00:23:31,444 You think, "I'm a kid, I guess they're for me." 450 00:23:31,511 --> 00:23:33,312 But your little baby brain's got no idea 451 00:23:33,379 --> 00:23:36,215 that lucky charms are a million times better for you. 452 00:23:36,282 --> 00:23:37,750 Jack? 453 00:23:37,817 --> 00:23:40,653 Hey. Pop quiz. If you could be Count Chocula 454 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,922 or Trix the rabbit, who would you be? 455 00:23:42,989 --> 00:23:44,991 Uh... Trix. 456 00:23:45,057 --> 00:23:48,227 Me, too. God! Will it never end? 457 00:23:48,294 --> 00:23:50,229 I love this lady! 458 00:23:51,397 --> 00:23:52,431 Ah! 459 00:23:52,499 --> 00:23:55,568 Jack, I think I should get a job. 460 00:23:55,635 --> 00:23:58,437 No, but we agreed your job's running the baby machine. 461 00:23:58,505 --> 00:24:00,306 I know, but that was before I realized... 462 00:24:00,372 --> 00:24:03,175 Oh... I almost forgot gas for the baby machine. 463 00:24:03,242 --> 00:24:06,479 I'm gonna get your snickers and meet you in line, ok? 464 00:24:06,546 --> 00:24:08,848 Mmm. I love you. Love you. 465 00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:15,622 Attention, Bob. Cleanup on aisle 3. 466 00:24:26,365 --> 00:24:28,367 Hey, Di! 467 00:24:28,434 --> 00:24:29,802 Hi, I'm a little professor! 468 00:24:29,869 --> 00:24:32,271 Wouldn't it be cute if ours looked like this? 469 00:24:32,338 --> 00:24:33,840 Yeah, you little marsh... uh! 470 00:24:33,906 --> 00:24:35,074 Honey! 471 00:24:35,141 --> 00:24:37,544 Oh, I am really sorry. 472 00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:39,045 Jack... 473 00:24:44,450 --> 00:24:46,085 I never knew you dreamed of working 474 00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:48,120 in a grocery store bank branch. 475 00:24:48,187 --> 00:24:51,090 Baby, we are living the great American dream. 476 00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:52,391 Mm-hmm. 477 00:24:52,458 --> 00:24:53,826 If you reach for the stars, 478 00:24:53,893 --> 00:24:58,230 you're bound to step... Mm! Jack, pull over. 479 00:24:58,297 --> 00:24:59,532 Mm. Pull over. 480 00:24:59,599 --> 00:25:01,601 Oh, jeez! Ew! 481 00:25:06,472 --> 00:25:08,374 Why do they call it morning sickness? 482 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,743 It's ok. Get it all out. 483 00:25:10,810 --> 00:25:12,979 Have any breath mints? 484 00:25:13,045 --> 00:25:14,146 Oh... 485 00:25:14,213 --> 00:25:16,783 So, she's in my hands, right? 486 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,885 Warm to the touch. 487 00:25:18,951 --> 00:25:22,054 Now, it's at that second that I think I control her... 488 00:25:22,121 --> 00:25:23,422 She's mine. 489 00:25:23,489 --> 00:25:25,424 But it's a false illusion. 490 00:25:25,491 --> 00:25:28,060 You know, it's like in that movie BACKDRAFT. 491 00:25:28,127 --> 00:25:30,697 "No man controls fire." 492 00:25:32,231 --> 00:25:34,533 So, she's ready. 493 00:25:34,601 --> 00:25:35,702 I'm ready. Heh. 494 00:25:35,768 --> 00:25:37,670 She's ready. 495 00:25:37,737 --> 00:25:39,639 I yell... 496 00:25:39,706 --> 00:25:42,141 "42-58. Hike!" 497 00:25:43,309 --> 00:25:45,311 Baa! Touchdown. 498 00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:53,953 * ready to go * 499 00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:56,255 where were we? 500 00:25:59,792 --> 00:26:03,095 * ready to go * 501 00:26:21,914 --> 00:26:24,050 I need a place to keep this. 502 00:26:24,116 --> 00:26:26,518 So if anyone asks, what do you know? 503 00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:28,721 That's right. You don't know squat. 504 00:26:30,790 --> 00:26:32,391 * it's a crack, I'm back * 505 00:26:32,458 --> 00:26:34,126 * yeah, I'm standing on rooftops... * 506 00:26:35,895 --> 00:26:39,165 * baby, I'm ready to go * 507 00:26:39,231 --> 00:26:42,835 * I'm back and ready to go * 508 00:26:42,902 --> 00:26:45,571 * from the rooftops, shout it out * 509 00:26:45,638 --> 00:26:47,306 * it's a crack, I'm back * 510 00:26:47,373 --> 00:26:50,677 * yeah, I'm standing on the rooftops having it * 511 00:26:50,743 --> 00:26:53,946 * baby, I'm ready to go * 512 00:26:54,013 --> 00:26:57,416 * I'm back and ready to go * 513 00:26:57,483 --> 00:27:01,553 * from the rooftops, shout it out * 514 00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:05,692 * baby, I'm ready to go * 515 00:27:05,758 --> 00:27:09,495 come on, Jack, you promised. 516 00:27:09,561 --> 00:27:10,963 ok. One question. 517 00:27:11,030 --> 00:27:13,733 Oh, me, me, me! Mine's great. 518 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,068 Proceed, dungeon master Quon. 519 00:27:18,004 --> 00:27:19,005 Ok, Jack. 520 00:27:19,071 --> 00:27:23,309 You know how you and Diane slept together? 521 00:27:23,375 --> 00:27:25,077 Yeah. 522 00:27:25,144 --> 00:27:27,680 Well, now that you can't sleep together 523 00:27:27,747 --> 00:27:29,248 but you still sleep together, 524 00:27:29,315 --> 00:27:32,719 don't you ever get just, like, super horny? 525 00:27:32,785 --> 00:27:35,788 And if so, how horny? 526 00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:38,758 I'll be quiet now so I can listen to your answer. 527 00:27:38,825 --> 00:27:40,526 Yeah, Jack. 528 00:27:40,592 --> 00:27:43,830 I'd love to hear your answer. 529 00:27:43,896 --> 00:27:45,765 The answer's easy. 530 00:27:45,832 --> 00:27:47,266 Oh, uh... 531 00:27:47,333 --> 00:27:49,568 Lolita is due back tomorrow. 532 00:27:49,635 --> 00:27:51,771 Same for 9 1/2 weeks 533 00:27:51,838 --> 00:27:53,639 and ditto on wild things. 534 00:27:56,442 --> 00:28:00,346 Guys... I'm going to be a dad. 535 00:28:00,412 --> 00:28:02,581 Dads don't get horny. 536 00:28:04,016 --> 00:28:05,785 Lisa, voice-over: To the kids at school, 537 00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:07,920 Jack and Diane had it all. 538 00:28:07,987 --> 00:28:09,922 Their own apartment, staying up late, 539 00:28:09,989 --> 00:28:11,323 eating whatever they wanted, 540 00:28:11,390 --> 00:28:13,059 plus Jack was getting a discount 541 00:28:13,125 --> 00:28:16,295 on r-rated movies at the video store. 542 00:28:16,362 --> 00:28:18,297 Hello? Reality check. 543 00:28:18,364 --> 00:28:21,834 School, practice, work, and Lamaze class? 544 00:28:21,901 --> 00:28:25,171 It was really starting to take its toll. 545 00:28:25,237 --> 00:28:27,974 2, 4, 6, 8... 546 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,277 Fighting Lincolns on to state! 547 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:35,414 Fight! 548 00:28:35,481 --> 00:28:37,083 Lincoln! Fight! 549 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:44,290 blue 42! Blue 42! 550 00:28:47,126 --> 00:28:48,294 Hike! 551 00:29:08,547 --> 00:29:10,482 ok, so they won state. 552 00:29:10,549 --> 00:29:13,185 B.F.D. 553 00:29:13,252 --> 00:29:14,286 The best part was 554 00:29:14,353 --> 00:29:16,989 Diane was really starting to look like hell. 555 00:29:17,056 --> 00:29:20,092 Diane? Diane! 556 00:29:20,159 --> 00:29:21,760 Huh? What? 557 00:29:21,828 --> 00:29:25,097 I'm under the ice! I'm under the ice! 558 00:29:27,633 --> 00:29:28,801 Huh? 559 00:29:33,039 --> 00:29:35,341 Oh, man, that was a weird one. 560 00:29:35,407 --> 00:29:36,876 Another sex dream? 561 00:29:36,943 --> 00:29:39,678 Wayne Gretzky. Hat trick? 562 00:29:39,745 --> 00:29:41,213 He is the great one. 563 00:29:41,814 --> 00:29:42,814 Heh heh. 564 00:29:42,849 --> 00:29:44,650 Oh, my God. 565 00:29:44,716 --> 00:29:46,052 You've been robbed. 566 00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:48,654 No, I've been pregnant. 567 00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:50,289 Di, are you ok? 568 00:29:50,356 --> 00:29:53,792 We can skip the girl party this week. 569 00:29:53,860 --> 00:29:55,594 Everything's fine. 570 00:29:55,661 --> 00:29:57,096 I'm just having a little trouble 571 00:29:57,163 --> 00:29:59,966 turning my frown upside down. 572 00:30:00,032 --> 00:30:03,635 Want us to help you pick up? 573 00:30:03,702 --> 00:30:06,805 Don't Martha freaking Stewart me. 574 00:30:06,873 --> 00:30:10,342 You don't like it, you try being a pregnant teen. 575 00:30:13,179 --> 00:30:14,713 Brendon! Go with them. 576 00:30:14,780 --> 00:30:16,682 They're in the vault, man. Go! Go! 577 00:30:16,748 --> 00:30:18,484 Who's Mr. Duggan? 578 00:30:18,550 --> 00:30:19,618 Mr. Duggan. 579 00:30:19,685 --> 00:30:21,387 You want to open the vault? 580 00:30:21,453 --> 00:30:23,655 Or do you want me to do it? 581 00:30:23,722 --> 00:30:25,157 Do whatever they want, Terry. 582 00:30:25,224 --> 00:30:26,125 Oh. 583 00:30:26,192 --> 00:30:27,626 Take the keys. Take them! 584 00:30:27,693 --> 00:30:29,095 I'm confused. 585 00:30:29,161 --> 00:30:31,163 Pappas knew the bank robbers were surfers 586 00:30:31,230 --> 00:30:33,499 because he saw a tan line? 587 00:30:34,867 --> 00:30:36,135 Luce, it's point break. 588 00:30:36,202 --> 00:30:38,070 Just shut up and look at Keanu. 589 00:30:38,137 --> 00:30:41,807 Di, what would you do if you were in a holdup? 590 00:30:41,874 --> 00:30:43,442 Well... 591 00:30:43,509 --> 00:30:45,311 I guess I... 592 00:30:45,377 --> 00:30:47,914 I'd give them all the money they could hold 593 00:30:47,980 --> 00:30:49,715 and wish them a good life. 594 00:30:49,781 --> 00:30:51,317 Because the Beatles were wrong. 595 00:30:51,383 --> 00:30:53,986 Love isn't all you need. 596 00:30:54,053 --> 00:30:55,854 Love won't pay the rent, 597 00:30:55,922 --> 00:30:57,990 love won't buy my baby diapers, 598 00:30:58,057 --> 00:30:59,825 love sure as hell won't buy me 599 00:30:59,892 --> 00:31:01,260 my new Dolce & Gabbana jeans 600 00:31:01,327 --> 00:31:03,462 when I lose my baby weight. 601 00:31:05,932 --> 00:31:07,599 Pretty soon we'll be broke, 602 00:31:07,666 --> 00:31:11,203 and I'll just be another fat-ass wearing chic jeans. 603 00:31:12,804 --> 00:31:14,540 Ok, put the snickers down. 604 00:31:14,606 --> 00:31:16,108 Come kick it over here. 605 00:31:16,175 --> 00:31:17,977 Wait a minute! Freeze that! Freeze that! 606 00:31:18,044 --> 00:31:19,811 ...Too much time! 607 00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:22,214 Yeah. Can you imagine? 608 00:31:22,281 --> 00:31:24,850 Conan's head on Keanu's body? 609 00:31:24,917 --> 00:31:26,785 Unstoppable. 610 00:31:26,852 --> 00:31:29,255 No! That's it! A bank robbery. 611 00:31:29,321 --> 00:31:31,757 A big pile of money, and my little family-to-be 612 00:31:31,823 --> 00:31:33,392 could get our heads above water. 613 00:31:33,459 --> 00:31:34,826 I read about this. 614 00:31:34,893 --> 00:31:36,728 It's called pregnancy insanity. 615 00:31:36,795 --> 00:31:39,098 Look, I might be moody... 616 00:31:39,165 --> 00:31:40,599 I might be gassy... 617 00:31:40,666 --> 00:31:43,235 But I am perfectly sane. Think about it. 618 00:31:43,302 --> 00:31:47,773 In school they tell us dreams can come true. Right? 619 00:31:47,839 --> 00:31:48,975 Right. Right. 620 00:31:49,041 --> 00:31:51,377 But they don't tell us how. 621 00:31:51,443 --> 00:31:54,846 Thanks to Keanu, I've figured it out. 622 00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:58,017 Money makes your dreams come true. 623 00:31:58,817 --> 00:32:00,219 Listen, Kansas, 624 00:32:00,286 --> 00:32:02,688 I know you dream of springing your mom someday. 625 00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:04,156 Stop, you're gonna make me cry. 626 00:32:04,223 --> 00:32:06,092 If the O.J. Trial taught us anything, 627 00:32:06,158 --> 00:32:09,128 it taught us, in America, you can cut somebody's head off 628 00:32:09,195 --> 00:32:10,829 and still be found innocent... 629 00:32:10,896 --> 00:32:13,032 As long as you have enough money. 630 00:32:13,099 --> 00:32:15,968 Well, your mom only shot a guy. 631 00:32:16,035 --> 00:32:17,469 And Cleo? I know you dream 632 00:32:17,536 --> 00:32:21,440 of an all-leather apartment with Conan. 633 00:32:21,507 --> 00:32:23,875 I overheard the school shrink telling the lunch lady. 634 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:25,344 Oh. 635 00:32:25,411 --> 00:32:27,946 Hannah, you could give your share to the church, 636 00:32:28,014 --> 00:32:30,082 or maybe buy one of those starving kids 637 00:32:30,149 --> 00:32:31,984 that Sally Struthers advertises. 638 00:32:32,051 --> 00:32:33,819 Or I could buy my own horse. 639 00:32:33,885 --> 00:32:35,754 Or that. 640 00:32:35,821 --> 00:32:40,659 Guys, I just wanna provide a future for my baby. 641 00:32:40,726 --> 00:32:42,294 I know my bank branch 642 00:32:42,361 --> 00:32:45,331 like the back of my puffy little hand. 643 00:32:45,397 --> 00:32:47,599 I could open that safe in my sleep. 644 00:32:51,003 --> 00:32:52,004 I'm in. 645 00:32:52,071 --> 00:32:53,239 Yes! What? 646 00:32:53,305 --> 00:32:55,107 I'm in. This is the closest thing 647 00:32:55,174 --> 00:32:57,043 to a damn family I've ever had. 648 00:32:57,109 --> 00:32:58,977 If one needs something, we all do. 649 00:32:59,045 --> 00:33:01,713 Stop it! This is crazy. 650 00:33:01,780 --> 00:33:03,949 I'm in, too. Cleo! 651 00:33:04,016 --> 00:33:05,484 Kansas is right. 652 00:33:05,551 --> 00:33:07,953 We're like sisters, closer than sisters 653 00:33:08,020 --> 00:33:09,988 and you don't turn your back on family. 654 00:33:10,056 --> 00:33:11,457 Come on, Luce. 655 00:33:11,523 --> 00:33:14,593 People do it in the movies all the time. 656 00:33:14,660 --> 00:33:15,961 And they get caught. 657 00:33:16,028 --> 00:33:18,397 That's right. So all we have to do 658 00:33:18,464 --> 00:33:21,533 is watch a bunch of movies and learn from their mistakes. 659 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,603 You know, real cops aren't half as smart as Keanu. 660 00:33:24,670 --> 00:33:26,872 Forget it. I've got a scholarship to Harvard 661 00:33:26,938 --> 00:33:28,940 hanging over my head. I won't risk it. 662 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,709 Conan went to Harvard. Shh. 663 00:33:30,776 --> 00:33:33,979 Lucy, are you sure you have that scholarship? 664 00:33:34,046 --> 00:33:35,681 No. 665 00:33:35,747 --> 00:33:38,350 If you don't, can you afford to go to Harvard? 666 00:33:38,417 --> 00:33:40,186 I don't know, probably not. 667 00:33:40,252 --> 00:33:42,054 So then this isn't crazy, is it? 668 00:33:42,121 --> 00:33:44,923 It's a sure bet. 669 00:33:44,990 --> 00:33:46,158 Well... 670 00:33:46,225 --> 00:33:47,293 Come on! Come on! 671 00:33:47,359 --> 00:33:48,660 Come on! Please? 672 00:33:48,727 --> 00:33:50,996 I guess we're all in this together. 673 00:33:51,063 --> 00:33:52,331 But... but! 674 00:33:52,398 --> 00:33:55,033 We have to make a smart plan. 675 00:33:55,101 --> 00:33:57,703 Of course. Of course. Ok, hands in. 676 00:33:59,071 --> 00:34:01,640 Alright. We have to cross our hearts, 677 00:34:01,707 --> 00:34:02,641 hope to die, 678 00:34:02,708 --> 00:34:04,543 stick a dirty needle in our eye, 679 00:34:04,610 --> 00:34:08,347 that we will never, ever, tell Jack. 680 00:34:08,414 --> 00:34:10,649 We all know he can't tell a lie. 681 00:34:10,716 --> 00:34:14,353 That's why he's gonna make such a great senator. 682 00:34:14,420 --> 00:34:16,255 Cheerleaders kick... 683 00:34:24,730 --> 00:34:26,598 We have 2 very cool guests, 684 00:34:26,665 --> 00:34:29,268 I'm gonna start with something I read in the paper. 685 00:34:29,335 --> 00:34:31,970 It involves sex. You hear me? 686 00:34:33,972 --> 00:34:35,441 Yeah. Yeah. 687 00:34:35,507 --> 00:34:37,943 Yeah, don't worry. Not with me. Ha ha ha. 688 00:34:38,009 --> 00:34:39,545 Ha ha ha. 689 00:34:39,611 --> 00:34:42,814 * I don't wanna be a boy, I wanna be a girl * 690 00:34:42,881 --> 00:34:45,884 * I wanna do things that'll make your hair curl * 691 00:34:45,951 --> 00:34:49,221 * I wanna be evil, I wanna be bad * 692 00:34:49,288 --> 00:34:52,224 * I wanna drive my next-door neighbors mad * 693 00:34:52,291 --> 00:34:55,394 * I want to go wild, want to go wild * 694 00:34:55,461 --> 00:34:57,062 * I want to party * 695 00:34:57,129 --> 00:34:58,397 * yeah * 696 00:34:58,464 --> 00:35:00,399 * 'cause we've got girl power * 697 00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:03,602 The movie was so amazing. 698 00:35:03,669 --> 00:35:05,537 He slices off the guy's ear, 699 00:35:05,604 --> 00:35:07,606 and you see everything. The bloody pink hole... 700 00:35:07,673 --> 00:35:09,475 Cleo, I already threw up twice today. 701 00:35:09,541 --> 00:35:12,110 Can you get to any relevant part of the movie? 702 00:35:12,178 --> 00:35:14,846 They had nicknames, like Mr. pink. 703 00:35:14,913 --> 00:35:17,316 I was thinking, Di, you could be Mrs. pink. 704 00:35:17,383 --> 00:35:18,950 Could I be Mrs. purple? 705 00:35:19,017 --> 00:35:20,752 And I could be Mrs. red 706 00:35:20,819 --> 00:35:22,154 this is so exciting. 707 00:35:22,221 --> 00:35:24,190 Di, how can you eat all that? 708 00:35:24,256 --> 00:35:26,358 She's eating for two. 709 00:35:26,425 --> 00:35:27,759 Jinx. 710 00:35:27,826 --> 00:35:29,027 Ahem. 711 00:35:29,094 --> 00:35:31,863 Page one is a plot summary of heat. 712 00:35:31,930 --> 00:35:33,332 2 has my character summaries, 713 00:35:33,399 --> 00:35:35,301 3 is my overall critique, 714 00:35:35,367 --> 00:35:38,003 and on 4 through 10 you'll find my Nexis search 715 00:35:38,069 --> 00:35:40,071 of all prior analysis of this film. 716 00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:41,307 In summation, 717 00:35:41,373 --> 00:35:43,141 no part of heat is really applicable 718 00:35:43,209 --> 00:35:44,876 to a grocery store bank branch robbery. 719 00:35:44,943 --> 00:35:47,779 What the heck is going on here? 720 00:35:47,846 --> 00:35:50,015 Mmm. Jack. I can explain. 721 00:35:50,081 --> 00:35:52,284 Diane, there's no excuse... 722 00:35:52,351 --> 00:35:54,620 For not taking your prenatal vitamins. 723 00:35:55,854 --> 00:35:56,855 I love you. 724 00:35:56,922 --> 00:35:58,724 I love you. 725 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:03,995 Uh... Cleo? 726 00:36:04,062 --> 00:36:05,397 Mm-hmm? 727 00:36:06,265 --> 00:36:07,866 Would you just say my name? 728 00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:09,900 Ted. 729 00:36:11,337 --> 00:36:13,772 Well, it's a laugh riot for the whole family, 730 00:36:13,839 --> 00:36:16,608 and Tim Conway is just about as funny as they come, 731 00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:18,076 especially in the scene where... 732 00:36:18,143 --> 00:36:19,911 Wait a minute. 733 00:36:19,978 --> 00:36:22,614 You watched the apple friggin' dumpling gang? 734 00:36:22,681 --> 00:36:24,916 I'm only allowed "G" movies. 735 00:36:24,983 --> 00:36:27,819 Am I the only one who cares about this? 736 00:36:27,886 --> 00:36:30,289 I mean, at least I watched dog day afternoon. 737 00:36:30,356 --> 00:36:31,890 Excuse me. 738 00:36:31,957 --> 00:36:34,360 Could you try to keep your voice down, please? 739 00:36:34,426 --> 00:36:36,066 We're not introducing anger into the womb. 740 00:36:36,127 --> 00:36:40,866 How would you like me to introduce my foot into your ass?! 741 00:36:40,932 --> 00:36:41,967 Kansas! 742 00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:43,302 I'm sorry, Diane... 743 00:36:43,369 --> 00:36:45,337 But I'm not gonna watch my dreams fade away 744 00:36:45,404 --> 00:36:48,740 because the virgin here thinks she can get ideas from kiddie movies. 745 00:36:48,807 --> 00:36:50,709 Those of us who have parents 746 00:36:50,776 --> 00:36:53,512 know they have rules because they care. 747 00:36:53,579 --> 00:36:54,713 Ooh. 748 00:36:56,648 --> 00:36:58,684 Are you sure you wanna go there? 749 00:36:58,750 --> 00:37:00,319 Um... 750 00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:02,388 Maybe. 751 00:37:03,989 --> 00:37:05,056 Ow! 752 00:37:05,123 --> 00:37:06,258 You guys! 753 00:37:09,328 --> 00:37:10,729 How do you like that? 754 00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:11,963 Diane Weston? 755 00:37:12,030 --> 00:37:13,131 Kansas, quit it! 756 00:37:13,198 --> 00:37:14,198 Ow! 757 00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:15,401 Here. 758 00:37:19,838 --> 00:37:21,773 God, we're sorry. 759 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:23,675 It's off. 760 00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:25,477 I can't take the fighting, 761 00:37:25,544 --> 00:37:27,479 the backstabbing, the open hostility. 762 00:37:27,546 --> 00:37:29,815 We're not acting like cheerleaders. 763 00:37:29,881 --> 00:37:33,419 We're acting like a bunch of sorority girls. 764 00:37:35,186 --> 00:37:38,357 I'm sorry I ever started this. 765 00:37:38,424 --> 00:37:39,625 Di, it's not your fault. 766 00:37:39,691 --> 00:37:41,360 We all wanted to do this. 767 00:37:41,427 --> 00:37:42,694 Look... 768 00:37:42,761 --> 00:37:45,364 Maybe I can watch a pg movie. 769 00:37:45,431 --> 00:37:47,232 I'll just say I'm... 770 00:37:47,299 --> 00:37:50,168 Counting dirty words for Sunday school. 771 00:37:50,235 --> 00:37:52,471 It's ok, Hannah. 772 00:37:52,538 --> 00:37:54,506 It was silly to think we can learn 773 00:37:54,573 --> 00:37:56,375 to rob a bank from watching movies. 774 00:37:56,442 --> 00:37:58,209 Sex, you can learn from movies. 775 00:37:58,276 --> 00:38:00,879 But robberies? Forget about it. 776 00:38:00,946 --> 00:38:04,750 Besides, TV land had a little house on the prairie marathon, 777 00:38:04,816 --> 00:38:07,719 and the Ingalls made baby Carrie's bed from a dresser drawer. 778 00:38:07,786 --> 00:38:10,789 I guess I could just do that. 779 00:38:10,856 --> 00:38:13,158 Oh, my God! 780 00:38:13,224 --> 00:38:15,193 The baby's got 2 heads. 781 00:38:15,260 --> 00:38:16,260 It's twins! 782 00:38:18,464 --> 00:38:20,732 I'm not just super fat! 783 00:38:20,799 --> 00:38:22,601 Oh, ok, we ain't done with this. 784 00:38:22,668 --> 00:38:25,036 Those babies are gonna have a good start in life. 785 00:38:25,103 --> 00:38:27,473 With a real crib... One that costs a truckload. 786 00:38:27,539 --> 00:38:28,840 We gonna learn to rob 787 00:38:28,907 --> 00:38:31,309 by the only people who really know how to... 788 00:38:31,377 --> 00:38:32,711 Criminals. 789 00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:38,283 I'm gonna visit my mom. 790 00:38:39,618 --> 00:38:41,753 Attention all inmates, 791 00:38:41,820 --> 00:38:44,322 visiting hours will be over in 20 minutes. 792 00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:52,330 You don't look nothing like your picture. 793 00:38:52,398 --> 00:38:54,933 Grandma and grandpa sent you a picture 794 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,668 of a neighbor girl. 795 00:38:56,735 --> 00:39:00,238 They didn't want you to break out and come kidnap me. 796 00:39:00,305 --> 00:39:01,940 Thank God. 797 00:39:02,007 --> 00:39:04,810 I was starting to think I killed the wrong man. 798 00:39:07,078 --> 00:39:08,480 What did you come here for? 799 00:39:08,547 --> 00:39:10,582 To tell me how much you hate me? 800 00:39:10,649 --> 00:39:12,451 I don't hate you. 801 00:39:12,518 --> 00:39:14,486 I need your help. 802 00:39:15,554 --> 00:39:18,424 How in the hell can I help you? 803 00:39:18,490 --> 00:39:20,492 My best friend got pregnant. 804 00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:23,762 Before you? 805 00:39:23,829 --> 00:39:24,996 Whoo-hoo. 806 00:39:25,063 --> 00:39:28,800 Yeah, I know. That's what I said, too. 807 00:39:28,867 --> 00:39:32,103 Anyway, we wanna help her get some money for the baby 808 00:39:32,170 --> 00:39:33,639 by robbing a bank. 809 00:39:34,506 --> 00:39:36,341 Well, shootfire, Kansas. 810 00:39:36,408 --> 00:39:38,610 That's the sweetest thing I ever heard. 811 00:39:38,677 --> 00:39:42,914 But we can't quite figure out how to... You know, how to do it. 812 00:39:42,981 --> 00:39:45,250 So you need my help? 813 00:39:45,316 --> 00:39:49,154 Oh, my God. This is like you asking me for help with your homework. 814 00:39:54,092 --> 00:39:55,126 Hey, mink. 815 00:39:55,193 --> 00:39:57,463 Come here. 816 00:39:58,964 --> 00:40:02,801 Kansas, I want you to meet someone special. 817 00:40:05,471 --> 00:40:07,305 Cryin' out loud, mom. 818 00:40:07,372 --> 00:40:10,275 Like my life ain't bad enough 'cause you're in here. 819 00:40:10,341 --> 00:40:13,445 Now I've gotta add "P.S. My mom's a gay," too? 820 00:40:13,512 --> 00:40:16,147 Shut up, you mouthy little twit. 821 00:40:16,214 --> 00:40:18,249 Don't "mouthy twit" me. I'm outta here. 822 00:40:18,316 --> 00:40:20,385 Hey, wait. Sit down. 823 00:40:20,452 --> 00:40:22,353 Now, I'm sorry. 824 00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:24,422 Mama's a little overamped... 825 00:40:24,490 --> 00:40:27,526 Didn't get her yard time this morning. 826 00:40:27,593 --> 00:40:30,629 Mink ain't my bitch, if that's what you think. 827 00:40:31,763 --> 00:40:34,533 She's a specialist... 828 00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:36,502 In banks. 829 00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,282 Them's some sweet skirts you got there. 830 00:40:51,349 --> 00:40:52,884 Oh, thank you! 831 00:40:52,951 --> 00:40:54,553 Actually, they're uniforms. 832 00:40:54,620 --> 00:40:56,454 We're cheerleaders. 833 00:40:56,522 --> 00:40:58,423 Mm-hmm. 834 00:40:58,490 --> 00:41:00,592 You sure are. 835 00:41:01,593 --> 00:41:02,861 Excuse me. 836 00:41:04,329 --> 00:41:05,631 Alright, same time tomorrow, 837 00:41:05,697 --> 00:41:08,066 we have a visit with our favorite aunts. 838 00:41:10,702 --> 00:41:13,905 Listen, robbing banks is like pulling a trick. 839 00:41:13,972 --> 00:41:15,574 You gotta stay in control, 840 00:41:15,641 --> 00:41:17,809 know how far you'll go to get the dough, 841 00:41:17,876 --> 00:41:21,412 and always put the rubber on yourself. 842 00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:23,281 Oh, pfft! You know what I mean. 843 00:41:23,348 --> 00:41:25,951 And you gotta do it the day after Christmas. 844 00:41:26,017 --> 00:41:27,218 Why? 845 00:41:27,285 --> 00:41:29,921 Banks don't have holiday pickups, so vaults are full. 846 00:41:29,988 --> 00:41:32,323 Besides, everyone's at home eatin' leftovers 847 00:41:32,390 --> 00:41:33,659 and beatin' their kids. 848 00:41:33,725 --> 00:41:36,427 Really? You were cellmates with her? 849 00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:38,730 Oh, my God. She was my hero! 850 00:41:38,797 --> 00:41:40,999 Did she tell you what Letterman’s house was like? 851 00:41:41,066 --> 00:41:43,602 You gotta buy your gats from the Terminator. 852 00:41:43,669 --> 00:41:45,203 Tell him itchy sent you. 853 00:41:45,270 --> 00:41:46,371 And gats are? 854 00:41:46,437 --> 00:41:48,640 Guns, cutie. 855 00:41:48,707 --> 00:41:50,776 You listen to Carol, pussycat. 856 00:41:50,842 --> 00:41:52,744 Go rent national velvet. 857 00:41:52,811 --> 00:41:56,247 It's got some awesome steeplechases in it. 858 00:41:56,314 --> 00:41:57,549 I'm gonna write that down. 859 00:41:57,616 --> 00:41:59,651 So, although their father said, 860 00:41:59,718 --> 00:42:00,886 "don't get outta the car 861 00:42:00,952 --> 00:42:02,387 till I get back with help," 862 00:42:02,453 --> 00:42:04,690 they knew the sheriff's voice when he yelled, 863 00:42:04,756 --> 00:42:08,059 "run to my voice! And don't look back!" 864 00:42:08,126 --> 00:42:09,695 The twins did as he said, 865 00:42:09,761 --> 00:42:11,362 but at the very last second, 866 00:42:11,429 --> 00:42:14,265 they turned around and saw the escaped mental patient 867 00:42:14,332 --> 00:42:18,003 bouncing their father's head on top of the car. 868 00:42:18,069 --> 00:42:19,170 Aah! 869 00:42:19,237 --> 00:42:20,438 They jumped! 870 00:42:20,505 --> 00:42:22,440 That's just gas, sweetie. 871 00:42:22,507 --> 00:42:24,509 Oh... 872 00:42:24,576 --> 00:42:25,811 What are you working on? 873 00:42:25,877 --> 00:42:30,081 Just some girly stuff for the squad. 874 00:42:33,084 --> 00:42:34,185 Bzzz! 875 00:42:47,098 --> 00:42:48,700 Well, whoever gets out alive, 876 00:42:48,767 --> 00:42:51,837 have the authorities check in the crawl space. 877 00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:55,240 Kansas, you should never judge a book by its cover. 878 00:42:59,110 --> 00:43:01,713 I guess there's an exception to every rule. 879 00:43:02,648 --> 00:43:04,215 Could I help you? 880 00:43:04,282 --> 00:43:06,017 You're the Terminator? 881 00:43:06,084 --> 00:43:09,354 Did you come in here to bust my balls? 882 00:43:09,420 --> 00:43:10,588 Huh? 883 00:43:10,656 --> 00:43:12,758 Well, I kill bugs for a living. 884 00:43:12,824 --> 00:43:14,626 If God doesn't beat you to it. 885 00:43:14,693 --> 00:43:16,127 No, wait, um... 886 00:43:16,194 --> 00:43:18,396 We're the "a" squad from Lincoln high school. 887 00:43:18,463 --> 00:43:19,698 So, uh... 888 00:43:19,765 --> 00:43:22,533 So, we were told you could fix us up. 889 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,170 Fix you up? 890 00:43:25,236 --> 00:43:26,237 Really? 891 00:43:26,304 --> 00:43:28,774 Yeah. Itchy sent us. 892 00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:30,408 She did, did she? 893 00:43:30,475 --> 00:43:32,043 How is the old girl? 894 00:43:32,110 --> 00:43:34,512 Definitely old. 895 00:43:34,579 --> 00:43:37,548 Ha ha ha! Yeah, that's my itchy. 896 00:43:40,485 --> 00:43:41,485 How many? 897 00:43:41,519 --> 00:43:42,954 Uh... 898 00:43:43,021 --> 00:43:45,623 Um, well, we'll each probably want one, so... 899 00:43:45,691 --> 00:43:47,625 We'll take 5. 900 00:43:47,693 --> 00:43:49,594 5 should do it. All right. 901 00:43:49,661 --> 00:43:51,930 And, uh, how much ammo do you want? 902 00:43:51,997 --> 00:43:53,298 Ammo? 903 00:43:53,364 --> 00:43:55,266 How many bullets do you need? 904 00:43:56,167 --> 00:43:58,169 Oh, bullets. 905 00:43:58,236 --> 00:43:59,170 No bullets. 906 00:43:59,237 --> 00:44:01,039 These are just to scare people. 907 00:44:01,106 --> 00:44:03,474 Kinda like a round-off back handspring whipback double full. 908 00:44:03,541 --> 00:44:05,243 You never really use it. 909 00:44:05,310 --> 00:44:08,646 You just want the opposing squad to know you've got it. 910 00:44:08,714 --> 00:44:10,415 Ok. 911 00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:11,582 $1,500 cash. 912 00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:12,818 What? 913 00:44:12,884 --> 00:44:16,287 You good-for-nothing bug zapper! 914 00:44:16,354 --> 00:44:19,157 Obviously that's a little more than our budget will allow. 915 00:44:19,224 --> 00:44:23,762 Um, basically, we're looking for something around $200. 916 00:44:23,829 --> 00:44:28,166 Oh, well, why didn't you say so? 917 00:44:28,233 --> 00:44:32,037 For 200, I got some real nice rubber bands 918 00:44:32,103 --> 00:44:33,905 and some sharp nails in the back. 919 00:44:33,972 --> 00:44:36,341 I got 5 of them. They come in pastel colors. 920 00:44:36,407 --> 00:44:40,746 Why don't you wait right there and let me go gift-wrap it for you. 921 00:44:43,915 --> 00:44:46,517 They are 1,500, cash on the barrel. 922 00:44:46,584 --> 00:44:49,654 You take it or you leave it. 923 00:44:49,721 --> 00:44:53,158 What kinda deal would ya make if I told we're gonna tell police 924 00:44:53,224 --> 00:44:56,862 that you're selling illegal guns... To minors? 925 00:44:56,928 --> 00:44:58,329 To girl minors! 926 00:44:58,396 --> 00:45:00,932 Then I'd just have to kill you. 927 00:45:02,233 --> 00:45:04,035 Ok, well... 928 00:45:04,102 --> 00:45:06,071 It was a pleasure meeting you. 929 00:45:06,137 --> 00:45:07,873 Take care. 930 00:45:07,939 --> 00:45:09,240 Let's go, you guys. 931 00:45:09,307 --> 00:45:10,475 Hold it right there. 932 00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:11,642 Oh, please. 933 00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:13,378 We're not going to tell anyone. 934 00:45:13,444 --> 00:45:15,146 Maybe we can make a deal. 935 00:45:15,213 --> 00:45:16,347 Look, buddy, 936 00:45:16,414 --> 00:45:19,550 we're not gonna trade sex for guns. 937 00:45:19,617 --> 00:45:21,386 Unless Cleo... 938 00:45:21,452 --> 00:45:22,520 Kansas! 939 00:45:22,587 --> 00:45:23,955 I got a daughter. 940 00:45:24,022 --> 00:45:27,525 And she's always dreamt of being a cheerleader. 941 00:45:27,592 --> 00:45:28,760 Aw. 942 00:45:28,827 --> 00:45:30,061 Tell you what I'll do. 943 00:45:30,128 --> 00:45:32,063 If you put her on your squad, 944 00:45:32,130 --> 00:45:34,199 and I mean put her on the squad... 945 00:45:34,265 --> 00:45:35,867 Don't make her haul your pompoms... 946 00:45:35,934 --> 00:45:38,269 You give her something to do. 947 00:45:38,336 --> 00:45:40,371 Then I'll give you the guns. 948 00:45:41,472 --> 00:45:42,974 You're kidding. 949 00:45:46,411 --> 00:45:47,745 Hey, fern! 950 00:45:47,813 --> 00:45:49,247 Fern, come here! 951 00:45:49,314 --> 00:45:50,982 She's out siphoning off the tanks. 952 00:45:51,049 --> 00:45:53,618 It takes a second to cap off that cyanide hose. 953 00:45:53,684 --> 00:45:54,684 Honey? 954 00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:56,753 There she is. 955 00:45:56,788 --> 00:45:59,190 Here's my baby. 956 00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:01,526 Fern, meet your new best friends. 957 00:46:04,629 --> 00:46:06,764 We'll be right back. 958 00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:11,269 Don't you take too long. 959 00:46:11,336 --> 00:46:14,005 Let's do breathing exercises, shall we? 960 00:46:15,874 --> 00:46:17,976 Is Jack upset that he can't be here? 961 00:46:18,043 --> 00:46:19,610 We worked it out. 962 00:46:23,348 --> 00:46:24,749 You're doing good, sweetie. 963 00:46:24,816 --> 00:46:26,551 Let's remember our focal point. 964 00:46:28,820 --> 00:46:32,190 Ok, don't stop now. Come on, we're gonna make it, baby. 965 00:46:34,692 --> 00:46:36,995 What a sad waste of man. 966 00:46:37,062 --> 00:46:39,998 Ok, even with all our savings, 967 00:46:40,065 --> 00:46:41,699 it's still only 654. 968 00:46:41,766 --> 00:46:43,334 That's it? 969 00:46:43,401 --> 00:46:45,971 Hey, I even took my parents' foster kid money. 970 00:46:46,037 --> 00:46:47,805 Philippe's going to be gathering rice 971 00:46:47,873 --> 00:46:49,908 without pants this month. 972 00:46:49,975 --> 00:46:52,410 Ok, wait a second. Hold on. 973 00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:54,679 Now, what do we do before a big game? 974 00:46:54,745 --> 00:46:57,415 Use the bathroom 'cause the port-a-potties on the field 975 00:46:57,482 --> 00:46:58,583 are gross. 976 00:46:59,951 --> 00:47:02,153 My fault. What do we do that enables us 977 00:47:02,220 --> 00:47:03,788 to be as great as we are? 978 00:47:03,855 --> 00:47:07,258 I personally think of how Conan started as a writer, and then... 979 00:47:07,325 --> 00:47:08,325 We practice. 980 00:47:08,359 --> 00:47:10,896 That's right. Practice makes perfect. 981 00:47:10,962 --> 00:47:12,964 I'm practicing to have a baby right now. 982 00:47:13,031 --> 00:47:14,632 If we do a practice job, 983 00:47:14,699 --> 00:47:16,334 we'll not only get the experience, 984 00:47:16,401 --> 00:47:18,769 we'll also get money we need for the guns. 985 00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:20,105 I've got the perfect job, 986 00:47:20,171 --> 00:47:23,508 and I've gotta pee, so help me up. 987 00:47:25,276 --> 00:47:28,179 Hello. How many would you like? 988 00:47:28,246 --> 00:47:29,414 7. 989 00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,400 Hi. 990 00:47:50,435 --> 00:47:51,702 Hello. How many? 991 00:47:51,769 --> 00:47:53,404 2, please. 992 00:47:56,807 --> 00:47:58,109 Oops! 993 00:48:02,981 --> 00:48:04,149 Oh! 994 00:48:05,483 --> 00:48:07,585 Oh, please, help me with her! 995 00:48:32,043 --> 00:48:34,045 What the kinda food are they serving us 996 00:48:34,112 --> 00:48:37,615 if they can turn a profit on 200 bucks? 997 00:48:40,851 --> 00:48:42,220 * watch her now * 998 00:48:42,287 --> 00:48:43,654 * watch her now * 999 00:48:43,721 --> 00:48:45,090 * walking away * 1000 00:48:45,156 --> 00:48:46,591 * walking away * 1001 00:48:46,657 --> 00:48:48,793 * nothing to say * 1002 00:48:48,859 --> 00:48:51,296 * she's just leaving * 1003 00:48:53,198 --> 00:48:54,932 * what did I do? * 1004 00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:56,167 oh! 1005 00:48:57,802 --> 00:48:59,537 Uh, fern? Yeah? 1006 00:48:59,604 --> 00:49:02,873 No more filling the tanks before practice, ok? 1007 00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:04,109 Ok. 1008 00:49:11,382 --> 00:49:13,384 ok, let's get going. 1009 00:49:13,451 --> 00:49:16,054 My grandparents get back from dinner at 4:30. 1010 00:49:20,358 --> 00:49:21,126 Ready? 1011 00:49:21,192 --> 00:49:22,660 ok! 1012 00:49:23,728 --> 00:49:24,996 What the hell... 1013 00:49:25,063 --> 00:49:26,897 Oh, no! 1014 00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:28,033 He Ikea'd us. 1015 00:49:28,099 --> 00:49:29,834 How many signs do we need? 1016 00:49:29,900 --> 00:49:31,602 We're not supposed to do this. 1017 00:49:31,669 --> 00:49:34,505 Look, maybe Lucy is right. Maybe this is a sign. 1018 00:49:34,572 --> 00:49:36,407 Kansas? 1019 00:49:37,708 --> 00:49:39,044 That you down there? 1020 00:49:39,110 --> 00:49:41,046 Yeah, grandma. Me and the squad. 1021 00:49:41,112 --> 00:49:43,214 You girls talking about boys? 1022 00:49:43,281 --> 00:49:45,050 Practicing kissing your hand? 1023 00:49:47,085 --> 00:49:48,453 Yeah, you caught us. 1024 00:49:48,519 --> 00:49:50,288 Oh, well, then I'll put some cookies 1025 00:49:50,355 --> 00:49:52,723 at the top of the stairs for you girls. 1026 00:49:52,790 --> 00:49:54,192 Thanks, that'd be great. 1027 00:49:58,196 --> 00:50:00,031 This is great. What do we do? 1028 00:50:00,098 --> 00:50:02,667 Threaten people with a trunkful of parts? 1029 00:50:02,733 --> 00:50:04,135 I'm sorry, you guys. 1030 00:50:04,202 --> 00:50:06,137 When you're dealing with south American rebels, 1031 00:50:06,204 --> 00:50:08,173 you kinda gotta take what you can get. 1032 00:50:08,239 --> 00:50:09,840 It's a trunkful of crap. 1033 00:50:09,907 --> 00:50:12,477 Do you guys know what I don't see here? 1034 00:50:12,543 --> 00:50:13,644 What? 1035 00:50:13,711 --> 00:50:14,912 I don't see a problem. 1036 00:50:14,979 --> 00:50:17,382 I see a great, big craft project 1037 00:50:17,448 --> 00:50:19,550 sitting right in front of me. 1038 00:50:19,617 --> 00:50:22,787 So, Kansas, get me some glue, 1039 00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:25,156 some tape, and a nail file. 1040 00:50:30,261 --> 00:50:33,264 * so it's you * 1041 00:50:33,331 --> 00:50:35,666 * at my door * 1042 00:50:37,202 --> 00:50:39,070 * she is huge * 1043 00:50:40,538 --> 00:50:44,775 * she wore a taller man's height or more * 1044 00:50:45,843 --> 00:50:49,480 * if it fails me * 1045 00:50:49,547 --> 00:50:51,382 * then it's love for sure * 1046 00:50:51,449 --> 00:50:54,719 * 'cause I'm here * 1047 00:50:54,785 --> 00:50:58,656 * 'cause I wanna be, and I gotta be * 1048 00:50:58,723 --> 00:51:02,293 * and I'll stay * 1049 00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:06,397 * 'cause I wanna stay every day with you * 1050 00:51:11,769 --> 00:51:14,305 * she's so cool * 1051 00:51:14,372 --> 00:51:20,478 * she's so cool * 1052 00:51:20,545 --> 00:51:24,048 Meanwhile, the most important event of my life 1053 00:51:24,115 --> 00:51:25,450 was about to take place. 1054 00:51:25,516 --> 00:51:28,486 Please join our "a" and "B" squad cheerleaders 1055 00:51:28,553 --> 00:51:30,788 in a salute to winter sports! 1056 00:51:39,997 --> 00:51:42,567 The winter sports pep rally is only, like, 1057 00:51:42,633 --> 00:51:46,371 the biggest cheerleading event of the year. 1058 00:51:46,437 --> 00:51:49,307 I'd been practicing for months. 1059 00:51:49,374 --> 00:51:51,842 This was my big chance to show the whole school 1060 00:51:51,909 --> 00:51:55,880 that I really belonged on the "a" squad. 1061 00:52:09,660 --> 00:52:11,862 I just want to say, that normally, 1062 00:52:11,929 --> 00:52:13,398 I'm an excellent skater. 1063 00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:17,134 Some jealous... Who will remain nameless, 1064 00:52:17,202 --> 00:52:19,069 obviously sabotaged my skates. 1065 00:52:20,271 --> 00:52:21,506 I was completely humiliated 1066 00:52:21,572 --> 00:52:23,808 in front of the entire student body. 1067 00:52:25,476 --> 00:52:27,612 Talk about adding insult to injury... 1068 00:52:27,678 --> 00:52:30,248 At the last minute, Diane finagled putting 1069 00:52:30,315 --> 00:52:33,751 that backwater, mutant monkey girl on top of the pyramid! 1070 00:52:35,820 --> 00:52:37,388 No way! 1071 00:52:37,455 --> 00:52:39,990 It ruined the entire finale. 1072 00:52:40,057 --> 00:52:41,659 Ask anybody! 1073 00:52:51,669 --> 00:52:54,539 Conan O’Brien... 1074 00:52:55,740 --> 00:52:57,675 Conan O’Brien... 1075 00:52:59,344 --> 00:53:01,579 Conan O’Brien. Conan O’Brien... 1076 00:53:01,646 --> 00:53:03,514 Come on, Cleo. We're not gonna waste 1077 00:53:03,581 --> 00:53:06,116 this week's question to the netherworld on Conan. 1078 00:53:06,183 --> 00:53:08,686 Who made up the one-question-a-week rule anyway? 1079 00:53:08,753 --> 00:53:11,155 It's in the Bible, so just shut up. 1080 00:53:11,222 --> 00:53:13,858 Ok, ok. Here goes... 1081 00:53:13,924 --> 00:53:15,926 Is the day after Christmas 1082 00:53:15,993 --> 00:53:18,195 the best day for the heist? 1083 00:53:18,263 --> 00:53:20,431 Ah... yes! 1084 00:53:20,498 --> 00:53:23,468 Girls, numerology confirms it, too. Look! 1085 00:53:23,534 --> 00:53:25,035 So does soldier of fortune. 1086 00:53:25,102 --> 00:53:28,473 "A great day to go balls out on the offensive." 1087 00:53:28,539 --> 00:53:30,641 Then it's time for my mom's present. 1088 00:53:32,810 --> 00:53:36,647 "Be careful. Have fun. Ski masks are so done. 1089 00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:38,516 "Wear these masks to fight the power 1090 00:53:38,583 --> 00:53:41,519 and never bend over in the shower." 1091 00:53:41,586 --> 00:53:43,488 Hey, Diane, you can be mood-swing Betty. 1092 00:53:43,554 --> 00:53:44,689 Hannah, you're virgin Betty 1093 00:53:44,755 --> 00:53:46,357 with optional horse and saddle. 1094 00:53:47,525 --> 00:53:49,960 And, fern, you can be... 1095 00:53:50,027 --> 00:53:52,062 Oh, God, we forgot fern. 1096 00:53:52,129 --> 00:53:53,431 Oh, it's ok. 1097 00:53:53,498 --> 00:53:55,866 Mom and the girls got them for the heist. 1098 00:53:55,933 --> 00:53:57,268 It's nothing personal. 1099 00:53:57,335 --> 00:54:00,104 Hey, I got to cheer with you guys. 1100 00:54:00,170 --> 00:54:03,107 I'm happier than a make-a-wish kid at Disneyland. 1101 00:54:03,173 --> 00:54:05,610 Well, we'll all sign your yearbook. 1102 00:54:08,846 --> 00:54:10,348 Here, take mine. 1103 00:54:11,616 --> 00:54:14,084 Look, I didn't know how to tell you guys, 1104 00:54:14,151 --> 00:54:16,654 but I got my scholarship. 1105 00:54:17,588 --> 00:54:19,290 I can't go through with this. 1106 00:54:19,357 --> 00:54:21,392 But we went hands in on this. 1107 00:54:21,459 --> 00:54:23,870 You're breaking the national high school cheerleading association's 1108 00:54:23,894 --> 00:54:25,796 pledge of allegiance and conformity. 1109 00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:29,800 I'll turn in my pompoms after Christmas. 1110 00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:32,303 You know, you guys are insane if you don't think 1111 00:54:32,370 --> 00:54:35,806 those criminals would gladly turn you in for a pack of lucky's. 1112 00:54:35,873 --> 00:54:38,108 Oh, yeah! Well, unlike you, those criminals 1113 00:54:38,175 --> 00:54:40,345 take an oath, and they stick with it. 1114 00:54:40,411 --> 00:54:41,779 You don't mess with another inmate, 1115 00:54:41,846 --> 00:54:44,014 and you never mess with her kid. 1116 00:54:44,982 --> 00:54:46,717 I'm sorry, Diane. 1117 00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:56,994 I could take Lucy's place. 1118 00:54:58,429 --> 00:55:00,331 You can be Terminator Betty. 1119 00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:04,469 Fight the power! 1120 00:55:07,505 --> 00:55:10,975 * merry, merry Christmas * 1121 00:55:14,579 --> 00:55:17,748 * merry Christmas * 1122 00:55:17,815 --> 00:55:20,951 * merry, merry Christmas * 1123 00:55:24,288 --> 00:55:26,724 1, 2, 3! 1124 00:55:29,727 --> 00:55:30,828 Oh, God! 1125 00:55:35,132 --> 00:55:36,467 Oh, honey... 1126 00:55:36,534 --> 00:55:38,469 Next Christmas, 1127 00:55:38,536 --> 00:55:40,204 I'm putting a diamond in it. 1128 00:55:40,270 --> 00:55:43,273 I don't know what to say. 1129 00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:45,109 Well, say you love me. 1130 00:55:46,243 --> 00:55:47,478 I love you. 1131 00:55:47,545 --> 00:55:49,046 I love you, too. 1132 00:55:58,255 --> 00:55:59,790 Oh, God, here's mine. 1133 00:55:59,857 --> 00:56:01,726 It's lame. It's not romantic or anything. 1134 00:56:01,792 --> 00:56:04,762 No, no, no, shh. I'm gonna love it. 1135 00:56:06,497 --> 00:56:08,332 Ah! A gift certificate... 1136 00:56:08,399 --> 00:56:11,536 For a new paint job on the GTO. 1137 00:56:11,602 --> 00:56:13,370 Yeah, I was thinking that you'd wanna 1138 00:56:13,438 --> 00:56:15,606 change the color after Christmas. 1139 00:56:16,941 --> 00:56:17,941 Wow. 1140 00:56:17,975 --> 00:56:18,843 You like it? 1141 00:56:18,909 --> 00:56:23,781 I sold the car to buy you that ring. 1142 00:56:25,650 --> 00:56:26,817 You're kidding? 1143 00:56:26,884 --> 00:56:29,019 No! Heh heh. 1144 00:56:29,086 --> 00:56:30,555 We don't have a car. 1145 00:56:32,122 --> 00:56:33,791 No. 1146 00:56:33,858 --> 00:56:36,326 Oh! Oh, sweetie. 1147 00:56:36,393 --> 00:56:37,795 Sweetie... 1148 00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:45,503 Kansas, listen to me. 1149 00:56:45,570 --> 00:56:47,538 Jack sold our getaway car. 1150 00:56:47,605 --> 00:56:49,774 It's a gosh damn gift of the magi thing. 1151 00:56:49,840 --> 00:56:52,142 Oops, mommy's sorry, sweet peas. 1152 00:56:52,209 --> 00:56:54,278 Swearing is the surest way to... 1153 00:56:54,344 --> 00:56:56,647 Oh, shoot! 1154 00:56:56,714 --> 00:56:58,849 Mommy needs a getaway car. 1155 00:57:10,828 --> 00:57:11,828 Jump in! 1156 00:57:11,862 --> 00:57:12,630 We can't stop! 1157 00:57:12,697 --> 00:57:14,532 The brakes are bad! 1158 00:57:15,633 --> 00:57:16,701 Come on, Kansas, hurry! 1159 00:57:16,767 --> 00:57:18,536 Fern, you've got to slow down. 1160 00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,771 Lord, please don't let us run over Kansas. 1161 00:57:20,838 --> 00:57:21,839 Help! 1162 00:57:21,906 --> 00:57:23,440 Get in! Quick! 1163 00:57:23,508 --> 00:57:25,776 The brakes are broken. 1164 00:57:27,478 --> 00:57:28,846 Kansas! 1165 00:57:29,580 --> 00:57:30,948 Oh, my God! 1166 00:57:49,266 --> 00:57:52,837 Uh, anyone bring an extra pair of panties? 1167 00:58:19,530 --> 00:58:23,768 * spitting in a wishing well * 1168 00:58:23,834 --> 00:58:25,936 * blown to hell, crash * 1169 00:58:26,003 --> 00:58:27,872 * on the last splash... * 1170 00:58:37,582 --> 00:58:38,816 who are you? 1171 00:58:38,883 --> 00:58:40,551 The friggin' bionic woman? 1172 00:58:40,618 --> 00:58:42,386 I just pulled it, and it came off. 1173 00:58:42,452 --> 00:58:45,690 This is great. Now we have to enter through the front door. 1174 00:58:45,756 --> 00:58:47,692 Look, it's not my fault. 1175 00:58:47,758 --> 00:58:49,794 Hey! God, rule number 1... 1176 00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:52,129 You never take off the mask, you hear me? 1177 00:58:52,196 --> 00:58:54,899 No matter what happens, you never take off the mask. 1178 00:58:54,965 --> 00:58:57,234 I'm sorry, Kansas. 1179 00:58:57,301 --> 00:58:59,303 Oh! God, no. 1180 00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:01,505 Rule number 2... No names. 1181 00:59:01,572 --> 00:59:03,073 No names, you retard! 1182 00:59:03,140 --> 00:59:05,643 For Pete's sake, white trash Betty. 1183 00:59:05,710 --> 00:59:07,678 I didn't realize the rules went into effect 1184 00:59:07,745 --> 00:59:09,847 before we entered the supermarket. 1185 00:59:09,914 --> 00:59:11,582 Well, use your head, stalker Betty. 1186 00:59:11,649 --> 00:59:12,683 Nyah! 1187 00:59:12,750 --> 00:59:14,919 Bettys, stop it. 1188 00:59:14,985 --> 00:59:17,354 "The best squad is one that hopes for the best 1189 00:59:17,421 --> 00:59:19,657 and prepares for the worst." National high school 1190 00:59:19,724 --> 00:59:22,559 cheerleading association letterhead. 1191 00:59:22,627 --> 00:59:24,829 Now, let's give a hands in. 1192 00:59:27,632 --> 00:59:29,667 We're ready, we're prepared, 1193 00:59:29,734 --> 00:59:32,102 this is gonna be the best bank robbery ever, 1194 00:59:32,169 --> 00:59:32,937 because... 1195 00:59:33,003 --> 00:59:36,641 Cheerleaders kick... 1196 00:59:42,246 --> 00:59:43,480 Shh! It's me. 1197 00:59:43,547 --> 00:59:44,849 Lucy? 1198 00:59:44,915 --> 00:59:46,150 What do you want? 1199 00:59:46,216 --> 00:59:48,986 I want to help. I'm a part of this squad. 1200 00:59:49,053 --> 00:59:50,187 Oh, no. 1201 00:59:50,254 --> 00:59:52,857 You have committed the ultimate sin. 1202 00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:56,260 You left your squad to be with a guy. 1203 00:59:56,326 --> 00:59:58,528 And that guy is the devil himself, 1204 00:59:58,595 --> 01:00:03,300 because only the devil would turn you against your sisters. 1205 01:00:05,102 --> 01:00:06,804 Let's go. 1206 01:00:37,101 --> 01:00:38,101 What's this? 1207 01:00:54,885 --> 01:00:57,654 Get on the ground now! 1208 01:01:00,691 --> 01:01:02,092 We got tape. Don't worry. 1209 01:01:02,159 --> 01:01:03,694 I said down! 1210 01:01:11,401 --> 01:01:12,937 ok, uh. Hello? 1211 01:01:13,003 --> 01:01:15,439 Yeah. Excuse me. Yeah, hi. 1212 01:01:15,505 --> 01:01:18,809 Umm, are you robbing the supermarket or the bank branch? 1213 01:01:18,876 --> 01:01:20,010 The bank. 1214 01:01:20,077 --> 01:01:22,612 Ok, so... do you want everybody down 1215 01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:25,415 or just the people at the bank? 1216 01:01:25,482 --> 01:01:27,752 All of you. Bank branch. 1217 01:01:30,620 --> 01:01:32,256 All of you. Bank branch. 1218 01:01:34,158 --> 01:01:36,526 Will you shut up? I'll handle this. 1219 01:01:36,593 --> 01:01:38,095 Bank branch only! 1220 01:01:38,162 --> 01:01:40,998 Everybody else, just go on about your business. 1221 01:01:46,603 --> 01:01:48,205 Shit, this ain't working. 1222 01:01:48,272 --> 01:01:49,974 Everybody down! 1223 01:02:21,238 --> 01:02:23,774 That's an illegal dismount. 1224 01:02:34,018 --> 01:02:35,853 Oh, my God. 1225 01:02:35,920 --> 01:02:38,122 An "a" squad pompom string. 1226 01:02:38,188 --> 01:02:39,089 Ow! 1227 01:02:39,156 --> 01:02:40,724 Keep your eyes on the ground. 1228 01:02:40,791 --> 01:02:41,791 This is great. 1229 01:02:41,826 --> 01:02:43,093 How are we doing? 1230 01:02:45,229 --> 01:02:47,031 Quick. Big bills, big bills. 1231 01:02:47,097 --> 01:02:50,767 This here is bull dung! That's what this is. 1232 01:02:51,635 --> 01:02:53,237 I'll find you. Go on. 1233 01:02:54,771 --> 01:02:58,008 I ain't gonna let some piece of dirt Betty doll 1234 01:02:58,075 --> 01:03:00,244 tell me what to do. 1235 01:03:00,310 --> 01:03:02,579 No, sirree Bob. 1236 01:03:04,348 --> 01:03:06,283 Freeze, scumbag! 1237 01:03:06,350 --> 01:03:09,119 Don't you never use the lord's son's name in vain 1238 01:03:09,186 --> 01:03:11,388 around these parts in the U.S.A. 1239 01:03:15,525 --> 01:03:17,394 What the heck? 1240 01:03:22,566 --> 01:03:24,034 Uh, I forgot to tell you. 1241 01:03:24,101 --> 01:03:25,502 Sometimes when the rebels 1242 01:03:25,569 --> 01:03:26,971 take the gun off a corpse, 1243 01:03:27,037 --> 01:03:30,274 some live rounds get left in the clip. 1244 01:03:30,340 --> 01:03:32,042 Good to know. 1245 01:03:37,581 --> 01:03:39,516 Cheese on a cracker. 1246 01:03:41,051 --> 01:03:43,287 Alright, you guys, let's go. 1247 01:04:07,878 --> 01:04:09,679 I'm here live at the scene of today's 1248 01:04:09,746 --> 01:04:12,349 highly unusual bank robbery, speaking with an eyewitness. 1249 01:04:12,416 --> 01:04:14,384 Can you tell us what happened here today? 1250 01:04:14,451 --> 01:04:16,053 You're talking to the right person, 1251 01:04:16,120 --> 01:04:17,321 I am walking evidence. 1252 01:04:17,387 --> 01:04:19,689 One of them stepped right on my. 1253 01:04:19,756 --> 01:04:21,926 Excuse me, can you get a shot of me? 1254 01:04:21,992 --> 01:04:23,460 This is important, buddy. 1255 01:04:23,527 --> 01:04:26,030 - Can you dust my for prints? - It's important. 1256 01:04:26,096 --> 01:04:29,133 I can't believe you're standing there, you idiot! 1257 01:04:29,199 --> 01:04:30,434 Wait, hold on, I forgot. 1258 01:04:30,500 --> 01:04:34,238 I have this. This is really important... 1259 01:04:34,304 --> 01:04:36,140 That's nice. Thank you for your time. 1260 01:04:36,206 --> 01:04:38,208 As you can see, this crime here today 1261 01:04:38,275 --> 01:04:40,877 is affecting people very seriously. 1262 01:04:40,945 --> 01:04:42,312 If you haven't heard, today, 1263 01:04:42,379 --> 01:04:45,415 5 pregnant Betty dolls robbed the bank. 1264 01:04:46,917 --> 01:04:49,653 Can you believe this? 1265 01:04:49,719 --> 01:04:51,555 We're like celebrities. 1266 01:04:51,621 --> 01:04:53,157 Better enjoy it now. 1267 01:04:53,223 --> 01:04:55,525 Because tomorrow some little kid falls down a well, 1268 01:04:55,592 --> 01:04:58,162 and we're nothing but a distant memory. 1269 01:05:01,265 --> 01:05:03,333 Disguises incinerated. 1270 01:05:05,602 --> 01:05:07,404 Oh, bad news, Di. 1271 01:05:07,471 --> 01:05:10,607 There was one thing we just couldn't fit 1272 01:05:10,674 --> 01:05:11,942 in the furnace. 1273 01:05:15,812 --> 01:05:17,747 Oh, my God. 1274 01:05:17,814 --> 01:05:19,716 Oh, you guys! 1275 01:05:19,783 --> 01:05:22,319 Thank you. Oh! 1276 01:05:23,820 --> 01:05:25,956 Can you believe we did it? 1277 01:05:26,023 --> 01:05:29,659 I mean... We did it. 1278 01:05:29,726 --> 01:05:31,628 We really did it. 1279 01:05:38,302 --> 01:05:40,304 I guess no one could have predicted 1280 01:05:40,370 --> 01:05:42,572 the storm that was about to hit. 1281 01:05:42,639 --> 01:05:45,109 The only thing people cared about, thought about, 1282 01:05:45,175 --> 01:05:47,111 or talked about was the robbery. 1283 01:05:47,177 --> 01:05:50,280 Judging by the way the robbers practically flew up 1284 01:05:50,347 --> 01:05:52,449 to spray paint the security cameras, 1285 01:05:52,516 --> 01:05:55,652 I think it was an Asian gang. 1286 01:05:55,719 --> 01:05:57,454 Yeah. Because as a people, 1287 01:05:57,521 --> 01:06:01,558 they tend to be quite tiny and very acrobatic. 1288 01:06:04,394 --> 01:06:05,962 That's all it took. 1289 01:06:06,030 --> 01:06:08,332 Next thing you know, dim sum Charlie's 1290 01:06:08,398 --> 01:06:10,934 being hauled in for questioning. 1291 01:06:11,001 --> 01:06:15,539 From there, the town just turned into a freak show. 1292 01:06:15,605 --> 01:06:16,605 Aah! 1293 01:06:17,774 --> 01:06:18,942 Get her! 1294 01:06:19,009 --> 01:06:20,644 That's her! That's her! 1295 01:06:20,710 --> 01:06:22,346 I'll never forget that face! 1296 01:06:22,412 --> 01:06:24,814 This thing spread faster than a canker sore 1297 01:06:24,881 --> 01:06:26,250 on the girls swim team. 1298 01:06:26,316 --> 01:06:27,960 Someone in Lincoln would say something like... 1299 01:06:27,984 --> 01:06:30,754 They were dressed like a bunch of freakin' Betty dolls, 1300 01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:32,156 for sake. 1301 01:06:32,222 --> 01:06:34,558 They had these little voices, 1302 01:06:34,624 --> 01:06:37,161 and only a bunch of damn 1303 01:06:37,227 --> 01:06:39,329 Would shoot up a union cap. 1304 01:06:39,396 --> 01:06:42,099 All of a sudden, it's on Jerry springer. 1305 01:06:42,166 --> 01:06:44,168 This thing was definitely huge. 1306 01:06:44,234 --> 01:06:47,937 Welcome to the show. Today, we're gonna meet a number of transvestites 1307 01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:49,773 who don't just dress up as women. 1308 01:06:49,839 --> 01:06:52,842 They like to dress up as pregnant women. 1309 01:06:56,146 --> 01:06:57,847 Eric Karros... 1310 01:06:57,914 --> 01:07:00,617 The country had come down with Betty doll fever. 1311 01:07:00,684 --> 01:07:02,886 Left drive over the left field wall, 1312 01:07:02,952 --> 01:07:04,754 into a waiting pack of Bettys. 1313 01:07:07,157 --> 01:07:08,597 And then it finally happened... 1314 01:07:08,625 --> 01:07:10,427 The moment I had been waiting for. 1315 01:07:10,494 --> 01:07:11,995 The little pipsqueaks in blue 1316 01:07:12,062 --> 01:07:14,698 finally followed up on my evidence. 1317 01:07:16,866 --> 01:07:18,235 Heh. 1318 01:07:20,570 --> 01:07:22,539 I'm Kurt Loder with an MTV news brief. 1319 01:07:22,606 --> 01:07:24,574 Authorities now believe a group of teenage girls 1320 01:07:24,641 --> 01:07:26,743 are responsible for the Betty doll bank robbery. 1321 01:07:26,810 --> 01:07:28,812 Stay tuned for my interview with Alanis Morissette 1322 01:07:28,878 --> 01:07:32,416 on the negative influence of the Betty doll on young girls. 1323 01:07:37,521 --> 01:07:38,355 Hello? 1324 01:07:38,422 --> 01:07:40,490 It was Lucy. Lucy went to the cops. 1325 01:07:40,557 --> 01:07:42,626 Remember, Kansas. Every time you point a finger, 1326 01:07:42,692 --> 01:07:44,694 you have 3 more pointing back at you. 1327 01:07:44,761 --> 01:07:48,098 She's been the weak tit on this mama cat since the beginning. 1328 01:07:48,165 --> 01:07:49,333 That you? 1329 01:07:49,399 --> 01:07:50,867 Hold on. Call me later. 1330 01:07:50,934 --> 01:07:52,702 I gotta get some smokes for grandma. 1331 01:07:52,769 --> 01:07:54,070 Don't use big bills. 1332 01:07:54,138 --> 01:07:56,706 For a pack of cigs? I'll use her food stamps. 1333 01:07:57,741 --> 01:07:59,109 Hello? We're dead. 1334 01:07:59,176 --> 01:08:00,377 They showed this prison movie 1335 01:08:00,444 --> 01:08:02,312 to my youth group on Sunday. 1336 01:08:02,379 --> 01:08:04,381 Hannah... It wasn't like the prison we saw. 1337 01:08:04,448 --> 01:08:06,116 The women had to shave their heads 1338 01:08:06,183 --> 01:08:09,253 because they got lice from the filthy lives they lived. 1339 01:08:09,319 --> 01:08:12,522 Oh, no. I'm gonna be someone's bald bitch! 1340 01:08:12,589 --> 01:08:14,791 Oops. Hold on a second. 1341 01:08:14,858 --> 01:08:16,726 Hello? Di? It's Luce. 1342 01:08:16,793 --> 01:08:19,696 Kansas just called and said she's gonna freak me up. 1343 01:08:19,763 --> 01:08:22,532 I heard coughing and a thud, and Kansas had to go. 1344 01:08:22,599 --> 01:08:24,934 I think her grandma had another heart attack. 1345 01:08:25,001 --> 01:08:26,636 Why does she wanna freak me up? 1346 01:08:26,703 --> 01:08:28,705 She thinks you went to the police. 1347 01:08:28,772 --> 01:08:30,039 What? That's insane. 1348 01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:31,741 Why would I go to the police? 1349 01:08:31,808 --> 01:08:33,577 Relax. Gotta get that. 1350 01:08:33,643 --> 01:08:36,246 I'll see you tomorrow. Hello? 1351 01:08:36,313 --> 01:08:38,282 My Sunday school teacher says in prison, 1352 01:08:38,348 --> 01:08:40,150 women shove broomsticks up your... 1353 01:08:40,217 --> 01:08:42,452 Hold on. 1354 01:08:42,519 --> 01:08:43,253 Yeah? 1355 01:08:51,961 --> 01:08:53,730 Hello? 1356 01:08:55,098 --> 01:08:56,300 No. This is Diane. 1357 01:08:56,366 --> 01:08:58,067 I think you have the wrong number. 1358 01:08:58,134 --> 01:09:01,238 Oops. That's me. Gotta go. 1359 01:09:01,305 --> 01:09:04,040 Wrong number? No! 1360 01:09:04,107 --> 01:09:05,775 Hello? Di? 1361 01:09:05,842 --> 01:09:09,112 I called to say Conan talked about us again last night. 1362 01:09:09,179 --> 01:09:10,647 Thanks, Cleo. See you tomorrow. 1363 01:09:13,950 --> 01:09:15,652 Morning, sunshine. 1364 01:09:15,719 --> 01:09:18,855 Remember, except for the morning sickness, 1365 01:09:18,922 --> 01:09:20,424 the blinding back pain, 1366 01:09:20,490 --> 01:09:22,292 and the embarrassingly unpredictable gas, 1367 01:09:22,359 --> 01:09:26,196 these are the best days of your life, so far. 1368 01:09:27,997 --> 01:09:30,734 Hey, hey, hey. Not so fast. 1369 01:09:30,800 --> 01:09:33,002 Following your dream isn't a crime. 1370 01:09:33,069 --> 01:09:34,904 Nobody suspects you. 1371 01:09:34,971 --> 01:09:36,940 Nobody even has a clue. 1372 01:09:37,006 --> 01:09:38,775 Hmm. 1373 01:09:38,842 --> 01:09:41,945 * hey, pistolero * 1374 01:10:14,244 --> 01:10:16,346 hey, guys. 1375 01:10:16,413 --> 01:10:18,715 Someone not take a shower today? 1376 01:10:18,782 --> 01:10:19,949 Hey, Lisa, 1377 01:10:20,016 --> 01:10:22,452 did you run into Carmen Electra last summer? 1378 01:10:22,519 --> 01:10:23,853 No. 1379 01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:28,124 Because it looks like you got some of her tits on you. 1380 01:10:28,191 --> 01:10:31,728 This just came from the national high school cheerleading association. 1381 01:10:31,795 --> 01:10:34,163 You might wanna look it over before you try more 1382 01:10:34,230 --> 01:10:36,165 cradle dismounts from double-based partner stunts 1383 01:10:36,232 --> 01:10:40,870 that are over shoulder stand level, without using 3 catchers. 1384 01:10:40,937 --> 01:10:45,709 Oh... or before you think about robbing another bank. 1385 01:10:46,876 --> 01:10:49,045 What did she say? How does she know? 1386 01:10:49,112 --> 01:10:50,947 Move it, people. 1387 01:10:51,014 --> 01:10:54,284 FBI. FBI. Freeze! 1388 01:10:58,655 --> 01:11:00,490 I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, 1389 01:11:00,557 --> 01:11:03,059 but is this gonna take long? It's game night. 1390 01:11:03,126 --> 01:11:04,694 Face front. 1391 01:11:06,496 --> 01:11:08,264 Are you sure they can't see us? 1392 01:11:08,332 --> 01:11:09,933 One-way mirror, ma'am. 1393 01:11:09,999 --> 01:11:13,269 Picture in 3, 2, 1. 1394 01:11:17,874 --> 01:11:20,677 Excuse me, on law & order, they get to make one call. 1395 01:11:20,744 --> 01:11:23,513 I need to call the father of my babies. 1396 01:11:29,786 --> 01:11:31,488 It's a fungus. Leave it alone. 1397 01:11:32,556 --> 01:11:34,391 Nothing I can do. Hello? 1398 01:11:34,458 --> 01:11:37,827 Lisa, it's Diane. We need to talk. 1399 01:11:39,696 --> 01:11:42,098 And that's why I came forward. 1400 01:11:42,165 --> 01:11:43,900 Even the kids on the short bus 1401 01:11:43,967 --> 01:11:47,937 can see that all the evidence points to Diane and the "a" squad. 1402 01:11:48,004 --> 01:11:49,706 Oh, it sure does. 1403 01:11:49,773 --> 01:11:52,075 Your testimony will prove invaluable... 1404 01:11:52,141 --> 01:11:54,778 Unfortunately, it wasn't them. 1405 01:11:54,844 --> 01:11:57,681 Heh. They were all waiting in my suburban that day 1406 01:11:57,747 --> 01:12:02,085 while I ran into the supermarket for some cash. 1407 01:12:02,151 --> 01:12:05,389 We were on our way to practice. 1408 01:12:05,455 --> 01:12:08,625 Well, better get going. 1409 01:12:08,692 --> 01:12:12,362 Nobody ever got ahead by sitting on their behind. 1410 01:12:20,336 --> 01:12:22,439 Hey! Over here! 1411 01:12:22,506 --> 01:12:24,040 Is that Lisa? 1412 01:12:24,107 --> 01:12:26,576 What's she doing here? 1413 01:12:27,511 --> 01:12:29,746 Come on. 1414 01:12:33,049 --> 01:12:35,284 They let you guys keep your mug shots? 1415 01:12:35,351 --> 01:12:38,955 I don't get it. Why did you tell the cops we were with you? 1416 01:12:39,022 --> 01:12:42,058 Look, guys, a failure to plan is a plan for failure. 1417 01:12:42,125 --> 01:12:43,793 We needed an alibi. 1418 01:12:43,860 --> 01:12:46,496 I'm not gonna be doing back handsprings anytime soon. 1419 01:12:46,563 --> 01:12:48,798 What's in it for her? 1420 01:12:48,865 --> 01:12:51,501 Well, the "a" squad is going to need 1421 01:12:51,568 --> 01:12:53,202 a new captain soon. 1422 01:12:53,269 --> 01:12:54,571 You can't be serious! 1423 01:12:54,638 --> 01:12:58,374 Lisa really does know all the rules. 1424 01:13:01,645 --> 01:13:03,647 Look! If it wasn't for my alibi, 1425 01:13:03,713 --> 01:13:06,816 you'd all be doing college by correspondence. 1426 01:13:10,186 --> 01:13:12,121 Get away from me! 1427 01:13:14,591 --> 01:13:17,160 Ewww. Gross. Diane! 1428 01:13:18,495 --> 01:13:20,096 Sorry, it just slipped out. 1429 01:13:20,163 --> 01:13:21,498 Ok! 1430 01:13:21,565 --> 01:13:23,733 Funny how things work out in the end. 1431 01:13:23,800 --> 01:13:25,535 Diane turned in her pompoms, 1432 01:13:25,602 --> 01:13:28,004 and I'm the new "a" squad captain. 1433 01:13:28,071 --> 01:13:30,607 After all, national high school cheerleading association 1434 01:13:30,674 --> 01:13:34,744 rule number one... Always stand behind your fellow cheerleaders, 1435 01:13:34,811 --> 01:13:37,080 especially when they're 7 months pregnant, 1436 01:13:37,146 --> 01:13:40,416 locked in a holding tank, and looking at 15 to life. 1437 01:13:40,484 --> 01:13:43,119 Actually, I made that last little bit up, 1438 01:13:43,186 --> 01:13:45,622 but you know what I mean. 1439 01:13:53,697 --> 01:13:58,234 * well, she was an American girl * 1440 01:13:58,301 --> 01:14:01,938 * raised on promises * 1441 01:14:02,005 --> 01:14:04,708 * she couldn't help thinkin' that there * 1442 01:14:04,774 --> 01:14:09,546 * was a little more to life somewhere else * 1443 01:14:09,613 --> 01:14:13,750 * after all, it was a great big world * 1444 01:14:13,817 --> 01:14:17,521 * with lots of places to run to * 1445 01:14:17,587 --> 01:14:20,389 * and if she had to die * 1446 01:14:20,456 --> 01:14:26,730 * tryin' she had one little promise she was gonna keep * 1447 01:14:26,796 --> 01:14:30,667 * oh, yeah, alright * 1448 01:14:30,734 --> 01:14:32,636 * take it easy, baby * 1449 01:14:32,702 --> 01:14:35,271 * make it last all night * 1450 01:14:35,338 --> 01:14:39,709 * she was an American girl * 1451 01:14:42,411 --> 01:14:46,182 * well, it was kind of cold that night * 1452 01:14:46,249 --> 01:14:49,919 * she stood alone on her balcony * 1453 01:14:49,986 --> 01:14:53,857 * yeah, she could hear the cars roll by * 1454 01:14:53,923 --> 01:14:58,895 * out on 441, like waves crashin' on the beach * 1455 01:14:58,962 --> 01:15:02,566 * and for one desperate moment there * 1456 01:15:02,632 --> 01:15:06,603 * he crept back in her memory * 1457 01:15:06,670 --> 01:15:08,572 * God, it's so painful * 1458 01:15:08,638 --> 01:15:11,474 * when something that's so close * 1459 01:15:11,541 --> 01:15:15,712 * is still so far out of reach * 1460 01:15:15,779 --> 01:15:19,749 * oh, yeah, alright * 1461 01:15:19,816 --> 01:15:21,718 * take it easy, baby * 1462 01:15:21,785 --> 01:15:24,053 * make it last all night * 1463 01:15:24,120 --> 01:15:28,858 * she was an American girl * 1464 01:15:33,830 --> 01:15:37,100 * an American girl * 1465 01:15:41,938 --> 01:15:45,742 * an American girl * 1466 01:16:02,525 --> 01:16:04,160 * let's go * 1467 01:16:18,474 --> 01:16:20,910 * good morning, sunshine * 1468 01:16:20,977 --> 01:16:25,649 * what you wanna do today? * 1469 01:16:25,715 --> 01:16:28,217 * I'm so tired of working * 1470 01:16:28,284 --> 01:16:32,822 * I've got too many bills to pay, that's ok * 1471 01:16:32,889 --> 01:16:36,860 * 'cause I've got a real straight shot * 1472 01:16:36,926 --> 01:16:41,731 * you've got a pretty good car * 1473 01:16:41,798 --> 01:16:44,033 * so pick a point on the map * 1474 01:16:44,100 --> 01:16:46,169 * doesn't matter which one * 1475 01:16:46,235 --> 01:16:50,173 * we'll be rich when the job gets done * 1476 01:16:50,239 --> 01:16:53,810 * you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun * 1477 01:16:53,877 --> 01:16:56,379 * fill up the tank * 1478 01:16:56,445 --> 01:16:58,882 * let's rob a bank * 1479 01:17:00,984 --> 01:17:03,853 * I've got holes in my shoes * 1480 01:17:03,920 --> 01:17:07,390 * I've got holes in my underwear * 1481 01:17:08,658 --> 01:17:11,394 * take a look in my wallet * 1482 01:17:11,460 --> 01:17:16,065 * there used to be some money there, I don't care * 1483 01:17:16,132 --> 01:17:20,036 * 'cause I've got a real straight shot * 1484 01:17:20,103 --> 01:17:25,141 * you've got a pretty good car * 1485 01:17:25,208 --> 01:17:27,610 * so pick a point on the map * 1486 01:17:27,677 --> 01:17:29,779 * doesn't matter which one * 1487 01:17:29,846 --> 01:17:33,382 * we'll be rich when the job gets done * 1488 01:17:33,449 --> 01:17:37,053 * you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun * 1489 01:17:37,120 --> 01:17:39,689 * fill up the tank * 1490 01:17:39,756 --> 01:17:42,158 * let's rob a bank * 1491 01:17:42,225 --> 01:17:45,394 * we can have everything we want * 1492 01:17:45,461 --> 01:17:49,465 * ooooh la, la, la, la * 1493 01:17:49,532 --> 01:17:52,068 * I can buy a new guitar * 1494 01:17:52,135 --> 01:17:54,704 * you can pay your credit cards * 1495 01:17:54,771 --> 01:17:57,741 * let's rob a bank * 1496 01:18:10,586 --> 01:18:14,758 * 'cause I've got a real straight shot * 1497 01:18:14,824 --> 01:18:19,695 * you've got a pretty good car * 1498 01:18:19,763 --> 01:18:21,965 * so pick a point on the map * 1499 01:18:22,031 --> 01:18:24,801 * doesn't matter which one * 1500 01:18:24,868 --> 01:18:28,004 * we'll be rich when the job gets done * 1501 01:18:28,071 --> 01:18:31,741 * you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun * 1502 01:18:31,808 --> 01:18:34,043 * fill up the tank * 1503 01:18:34,110 --> 01:18:36,079 * let's rob a bank * 1504 01:18:36,145 --> 01:18:38,081 * point on the map, doesn't matter which one * 1505 01:18:38,147 --> 01:18:39,715 * let's rob a bank * 1506 01:18:39,783 --> 01:18:41,785 * we'll be rich when the job gets done * 1507 01:18:41,851 --> 01:18:43,352 * let's rob a bank * 1508 01:18:43,419 --> 01:18:46,823 * you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun * 1509 01:18:46,890 --> 01:18:49,458 * fill up the tank * 1510 01:18:49,525 --> 01:18:54,030 * let's rob a bank * 105058