Original subtitles

The Redeemer,

like the Lord our God above,

shall destroy them with a mighty destruction

until they all be destroyed.

Through God's teachings, we can be the monster truck.

We can smush the things that the devil puts in our way.

Boom.

Now, can I get an amen?

All: Amen!

Whoo!

Y'all know I don't like to cuss,

but what in the hell is this horseshit

I'm looking at right now?

Ooh, Mama said the S-word.

This has nothing to do with church.

He's making us look like fools,

talking about we can be like a monster truck.

I can't believe y'all let him pull this Hot Wheels mess.

A good turnout, at least.

A very profitable Friday night.

Well, that's gotta count for something.

We're putting butts in the seats.

Money ain't everything, baby.

What we gonna do, start selling beer next?

Get your ice cold beer here.

Beer, beer, beer.

Get your ice cold beer.

Beer, beer, beer.

You.

You're nothing but a fool.

Pretending on TV to be all kind and caring,

but I know the truth.

May-May?

Damn you to hell, Aimee-Leigh.

Somebody help me! She's trying to kill me!

Help me!

Help!

Help me!

She's trying to kill me!

You think I'd just live with it,

what you done to my family?

Please, May-May, this ain't the way.

Now it's your turn to feel...

What the hell? I'm sorry!

We are the elite of the evangelical world.

Our capes embrace us like the arms of Jesus Christ.

We wear it in celebration of his love.

The pistol gives the power to take life.

The Lord gave us free will to do as we choose.

Thusly, it is a righteous man

who wears the pistol yet does no evil.

Under the eyes of God, we are the men

of the Cape and Pistol Society.

Hey, how you enjoying your retirement there, Eli?

Oh, he ain't retired.

He's writing books.

He's doing press.

Admit it, Eli, you can't stay out of the spotlight.

No, no, no.

You better believe I'm gonna be fishing and sipping.

Fishing and sipping.

You scared your kids gonna blow it.

Pretty much.

♪ We're marching to Zion ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful Zion ♪

♪ We're marching upward to Zion ♪

♪ The beautiful city of God ♪

Zion is a beautiful resort, sir.

Yeah.

Heaven on Earth.

- Amen. - Yeah.

Take it in while you can.

What's that?

Really, Gregory?

I had a fucking thing planned.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jess.

What's happening right now?

Well, go on, Gregory, you want to spill the damn beans,

speak out of turn, tell him. - Really?

Do it, damn it.

You're fired, Walker.

Take it like a man if you can.

Ooh!

What are they talking about, Jesse?

I've driven your daddy for years,

and you know I would take a bullet.

Well, I used to think that,

until I started seeing little tidbits about my family

being published online.

Little insights into the transition of power.

You got the wrong guy, Jesse.

Behold.

This was published in "Christian Times."

"After the Gemstone heirs got the dismal poll numbers,

"Amber Gemstone made sugar cookies

to lighten the mood..." - Mm.

"Says an insider to the family."

I ain't the only one you told that story to, Jesse.

It's a nice story.

Sugar cookies ain't real, bitch.

That's a detail I made up to sniff out the rat.

She made crescents, son.

You're the only one I told sugar cooks to,

you fucking snitch.

Grab his ass. - What?

Come on, now. No, no, no, no, no, no.

- What is happening? - Here you go, here you go.

Whack him, Jess. Come on.

Keep an eye out, Levi.

- Jesse, please. - Come on, now. Get him.

Tally-ho.

What?

Hey, how you doing?

We're just having fun, just playing around.

Damn it, Jesse, you brought me all the way to Florida

just to fire me?

Yes, I did.

When your family asks how you broke your nose,

tell them it was a kite surfing accident.

My nose ain't broken.

Yeah, it is.

Kite surfing's a lot harder than it looks.

How was your Judy On Top tour?

Fun?

Oh, you know, it's life on the road.

Port to port, city to city,

screaming fans.

Oh.

Mm, thank you.

Hey, that was a cold fish kiss.

Everything OK, Jude?

Yeah, it's just, I've been on a five-state tour, Beej.

I'm tired.

Cut me some friggin' slack.

My gosh.

Well, my famous wife.

I always knew when I married you,

I'd have to share you with the world.

OK, I gotta go.

What? Already?

Well, I have work duties, Beej.

Me and my brothers run the church now.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

So glad you're home.

Oh, Keefe, this is gonna hurt.

No doubt.

We wiped out most of their stock.

That shop's gonna have nothing else to sell like this.

Until they restock. And then what?

And we'll return and buy it all again.

Remember yourself, Taryn.

No.

No, she has a point.

We're trying to shut these deviants down,

not give them an economic boost.

But I'm still so impressed by you guys.

This just shows me how motivated y'all are

to achieve the goals of the Smut Busters.

Both: No smut, no lust, no coconuts.

Come on, y'all.

Part of being in the group is doing the saying when we do it.

I did not know what was happening.

Through the power of Christ's love

and Lasik surgery,

we have restored sight to the blind

or at least the nearsighted.

These primitive people can see Christ's world

and read signs at night much better because of us.

Well, I'm not sure how many of these primitive people

are reading street signs tonight in the rain forest.

And that's not really the main reason why we did it.

I didn't say it was the main reason.

Well, you are heavily featuring it, so...

OK, boys, time to wrap it up.

They're trying to get back to me singing.

We're accompanying the montage, Judy.

You're not the main part.

Yeah, this isn't a solo tour, Judy.

No, it's not.

We're doing our thing right now, thank you.

You're not the main reason.

♪ A new revelation ♪

♪ Will set you free ♪ - ♪ Hallelujah for his light ♪

♪ Illumination ♪

♪ Soon you will see ♪

Took care of your driver Walker.

That bitch is history, Daddy.

Lying sneak.

Well, we're gonna need a new driver.

Somebody we can trust this time.

We'll get you one.

Hopefully, maybe Judy and Kelvin could help out,

seeing as how I do every other goddamn thing

around here lately.

Man, Jesse, shut the fuck up.

You ain't the boss of us.

I'm the main decider.

We're all deciders, Jesse, not just you.

Oh, please, Kelvin.

You and old slow eyes over there

are off doing your damn pervert protest

to help with the church at all.

The Smut Busters have already taken down

16 porno shops on the I-95 corridor alone.

Well, I'm glad that truck drivers

won't be able to buy dick pills anymore.

Bravo.

Look, the point is that none of y'all but Jesse

are doing anything important.

You know, this has been

a really hard time for our family.

Our son was injured,

almost killed, in a work accident.

Mom, please don't.

This has been very traumatic for us,

and y'all don't even care.

Gideon, your mom is trying to Munchhausen you.

Amber, you need to stop trying to milk sympathy votes

for your son being a crippled, OK?

Jesse, get her ass in line.

Maybe you need to stop talking about Baron Munchausen.

Can we please just eat in peace?

Unfortunately, I have some not-so-peaceful news.

As you all know, since your daddy has taken a step back,

there has been a decline in both attendance and donations.

I have noticed that the seats high up

have been empty more and more.

And now I've been informed

that one of our largest benefactors

is departing.

Who?

The race car driver, Dusty Daniels.

Dusty Daniels?

The Slick Bandit?

That guy's a living legend.

He's, like, 100 years old.

He's gonna be dead soon anyway, so, oh, well.

Our ministry was to receive his entire estate,

including branding, corporation, even his name.

Pfft. So what? We got names.

Don't need his.

His name is currently estimated

to be worth over $200 million.

- Huh? - Motherfucker.

We were also set to inherit Dusty's trademark slogan,

"Whoo-whee, sucker!"

Merchandising alone, over $30 million.

Is this because of the goddamn shitty poll numbers?

Which shitty poll numbers, Jesse?

The ones where 85% said you're colder than a fucking ice cube

shoved up a polar bear's asshole?

I remember those same pollsters saying

that your songs are when most people in church

go to take a shit.

Prove it, Jesse.

I will.

Maybe if y'all stopped henpecking at one another

and started trying to fix what ain't working,

you wouldn't be in this situation.

You all need to go connect with him,

win his confidence.

If Dusty's not happy, I don't blame him.

I will try to go and minister to him.

We'll see if these guys will help.

I'll do it, Daddy.

- Bleh. - Meh.

- Meh-meh. - Bleh.

Unh.

Unh.

- Grow up. - Ugh.

- Yes. - Whoo!

Yes.

Man, real talk, y'all, I don't get this race car shit.

Bunch of rednecks racing around,

seeing who can go nowhere the fastest.

OK, well, now's not the time to be PMS'ing, Judy.

- Psh! - She's been a real B-I-T-C-H

since she got back from tour.

Man, why is everybody wondering about my tour,

asking me what happened on tour?

I sang fucking songs, OK? That's it.

End of story.

Somebody's been acting mysterious.

- Fuck off. - What happened on tour?

- Fuck off, nothing. - Here he comes. Shh.

By the way, I'm on my period, not PMS'ing.

Guys, here he comes. Big smiles.

- OK. - Cheers. Big cheers.

- OK. Whoo! - Yes.

- Yes! - Oh, yes!

Yay!

- Whoo! - Yeah!

- Yes! - Whoo-whee, sucker!

The Slick Bandit looking slicker than ever.

God's fastest son on four wheels.

Someone's fixing for a comeback.

Waste of your time coming up here.

Ain't nothing the three of you can say

gonna change my mind.

OK.

Let me shoot you straight.

Your church has changed.

See, when Eli was heading things up, I was happy.

Now that he ain't, I don't like it so much.

The thing is, we are gonna make this right.

- Yeah. - OK?

We're young and up to the task, dude.

See, that's the thing.

I don't trust young people. I'm old-school.

Well, you know, actually, we are not

as young as you think we are.

I mean, Kelvin does Botox.

- I don't do Botox. - You do...

You do, too, do Botox. - Never done Botox, so...

OK, then why is there an indention

where your sunglasses smushed your Botox forehead?

- There isn't one. - Yeah, there is.

- No, there's not. - Right here.

Dusty, Jesse's got more grays than you do, man.

Dude is rocking a bad dye job.

He didn't use to look like a deformed Dracula.

I do not look like a deformed Dracula.

- Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. - I don't dye my hair.

I just changed my shampoo is all, you idiots.

- See? - Oh, really?

Right there.

When I used to watch your mama and daddy, I felt the love.

It was nice.

I don't feel the love in this current configuration.

So I'm pulling up my stakes and I'm making a change.

We can... we love... We love each other.

- I love 'em. - We do.

We're in love with each other. - We do.

Olive juice you.

Whoo-whee, sucker!

Oh, there he go.

♪ Metal we fight ♪

♪ Power amps set to explode ♪

Jesus in Jerusalem.

The fucking Simkins.

♪ Warheads are ready to fight ♪

♪ Yeah, black leather hounds ♪

♪ Faster than sound ♪

♪ Metal our purpose in life ♪

♪ Baby, it's black metal ♪

Good to see you.

Dusty, tell me you have not signed

with these snake oil salesmen.

Oh, take it easy, Jesse.

We don't want no ill will with the Gemstones.

Dusty and our family go way back.

I worship with them now.

They're "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type folks.

I like that.

Nobody handed it to them. - OK.

Yeah, after Mom and Dad died in the plane crash...

Here we go.

I had to raise my siblings.

Mm-hmm.

I could have returned Craig to the orphanage,

but I knew my parents wouldn't have wanted that.

So we banded together

to finish what they so humbly had started.

Look where we are today.

Helping millions around the world.

And getting bigger every day.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, Dusty.

You are looking good.

I appreciate that, Shay.

You ain't looking so bad yourself.

Hey, Dusty.

'Sup, boy?

I also think you're a hot man.

Not just Shay. She's not the only one here.

How am I looking to you right now?

Pretty good too? - Sure, you...

All y'all look good, but...

it ain't all about the looks.

And that's a really good thing, because if it were,

we'd win by a mile.

Am I right? - You're right.

- Bodies, our bodies. - He's right.

Not a damn one of you looking as fine as me.

- Mm-hmm. - You're gorgeous, Craig.

- Ugh. - Dusty, you've worshipped

with our family for 35-plus years.

You gotta give us another shot.

I'll tell you what.

Y'all want me to be a member of your church so bad,

why don't you battle for me?

Battle? What do you mean?

Like a footrace or see who can hold their breath the longest?

- Like an egg toss? - No.

Let's settle it in one of those.

I don't really know stock cars.

Chicken, Simkins?

What are they doing? - Ew.

Dusty, we feel the Lord has led you

to where you're supposed to be, worshipping with us.

I'll drive on behalf of my family.

- Ew, what are you doing? - Ow, what are you doing?

- Ow. - Jesse.

Trying to hold your hands.

- Grab it so hard. - Ugh.

- Let it happen, fuckers. - Ugh.

Dusty, we as well have...

Also believe that the Lord is...

Wants to have you on our side too.

So on behalf of my family, I will drive too.

- Ow. - Ew. It's so awkward.

- Ow. - So there it is.

♪ Let me see you go ♪

OK, homey.

You sure you got this?

Come on. My car at home is fast as fuck.

How can this be any different?

Besides, you heard him.

He says he's got zero experience.

Well, I said no experience in stock cars.

I've dabbled in Formula 1.

That son of a bitch.

OK, that means he's gonna eff it up.

Yup.

Let's race.

♪ Don't take that down ♪

♪ Let me see you go ♪

♪ Don't take that down ♪

♪ Don't take that ♪

♪ Let me see you go up ♪

♪ Let me see you go up ♪

God damn it!

Do the gas! Do the gas, boy!

My car is broken!

Go, you fucking race car!

Go!

Whoo!

- Fuck! - Ah!

What happened, Jesse?

That's embarrassing, dude.

Whoo-whee, sucker!

Now that I'm semiretired,

this change has given me time to reflect on my life

and my journey with Christ.

I've put these reflections down in a written word,

my definitive autobiography.

Why definitive, you ask?

Well, because it's about the third one I've written.

I guess I lived longer than I thought

and I still have a little more to say.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ah, thank you very much for coming.

I knew I recognized you. - Yes, sir.

God bless you, and have a great day.

Thank you. Bless you.

You got a lot of nerve coming here.

Well, I paid the signing fee.

Figures you have to pay money to get a little face time.

We've got a restraining order against you.

Security. - I need your help, Eli.

I don't care what you need.

Well, Aimee-Leigh would hear me out.

You know she would.

How dare you say her name?

Get her out of here.

Eli, please, I need your help.

- Just get out of here. - It's my boys, Eli.

Get out!

I wouldn't have come to you otherwise.

Let go of me. I'm going. - Out.

39 Christian marriage counselors

were brought on as consultants to ensure

that The System was effective,

a program you can use at home to help your marriage

better honor Jesus Christ.

For just $500, you get The System starter kit,

which has everything you need to begin your journey

to a happy and healthy marriage in the eyes of the Lord.

Is your marriage important to you?

Then what are you waiting for?

All: Call now.

Well, did y'all get Dusty back?

Nope.

Lost him to the fucking Simkins, of all people.

The siblings whose parents died in a plane crash?

Yes.

They are so fucking lucky.

I wish that I had some traumatic event

that happened to me that I can exploit

and make people like us.

I mean, our origin story sucks compared to theirs.

I mean, nobody's rooting for born-wealthy people

to become more wealthy.

I'm really worried. Are you?

No. A little concerned.

You know, obviously, I wish that Judy and Kelvin's mouths

were taped shut and that you were the only one in charge.

Baby, their energy makes you all look desperate.

Well, I mean, that's because we are desperate.

We're picking up where Eli Gemstone left off,

a man who's done this job for, like,

a fucking hundreds of thousands of years

and is America's Jesus daddy.

Look, I'm not trying to rain on your parade.

You know, I'm really glad you have

your counseling, you know, thingamabob,

you know, whatever this is.

- The System. - Sure, whatever.

Yeah.

It seems like it's taking up a lot of your time.

And this is a moment when I could really use

all hands on deck at home.

What's not getting done at home?

I don't know if you noticed, but our son Pontius

has tattooed another word on his fucking face.

"Blessed." I know.

It just seems like you're, you know,

giving a lot of attention to other people's relationships,

and perhaps if you focused more on your own,

you know, we wouldn't have children

putting fucking calligraphy on their faces.

Look, baby, I know that you're upset,

but please don't take it out on me, OK?

A small decline was to be expected

with this kind of transition.

You know it's like?

When Jay Leno took over for Carson.

It was rocky there for a bit.

But what happened in the end?

Leno shot to the top.

What if we're not Leno?

What if we're just Conan?

Fuck me.

This ministry helped me unlock

the best version of myself.

And I'm not just saying that

because I married into the family.

Who knows what Gemstone Salvation Center

can do for you?

Now, Janice and Tall Jay have enrollment packages.

Scan the QR code for easy, step-by-step instructions

on how to have tithing automatically deducted

from your account each month.

It's never been easier to share your praise.

Mm.

Man, I am crushing my Welcome Center duties.

They were feeling me today.

Yeah, you're really working it.

That's for sure.

Here. I got you some gifts.

- Gifts? - Yeah.

Why?

I just was thinking about what a good husband you are

and how much I love you.

Go ahead. Take a look.

OK.

An infrared meat thermometer,

Theragun,

a VR headset.

Wow. - Wow.

I've been wanting one of these.

Now I can fully immerse myself in the nature and space games

that I gravitate toward.

These are really thoughtful, Judy.

But this isn't necessary.

Goddang, why you gotta kick my gift horse in the nuts

right now?

Is everything OK?

Feels like things have been a little off

since you got back from tour.

Oh, my God. What?

No, everything's great.

Why are you reading stuff into things?

Everything's awesome.

I just love you. I wanted to give you presents.

Don't emotionally disappoint me right now.

Yeah, well, I love you too. Thank you for the gifts.

Just like any family, we've had our ups and downs.

And it's no secret we've faced some controversy.

In the early 2000s, we found ourselves in a war

with the press and detractors.

My wife would stay awake,

concerned with how people saw her.

That they were getting the wrong message.

I assured...

Hey, mind if we take a little break?

Yes, sir. We can take a small break.

Goddamn, what the hell are y'all cooking out here?

- Devil's objects. - Devil's objects?

Man, I don't think you're supposed

to be burning this stuff.

That shit's poisonous.

Yeah, I don't feel very well.

The smoke was green from some of the butt plugs,

and it smelled like pool toys.

Keefe, how about we take a little break

from the burn pit?

Give us a moment.

What you doing here, Jesse?

Still trying to fight?

Talking about how you're the only one doing things, hmm?

No, actually, that's not what I'm here to do.

I came to apologize.

Really?

Sorry I made fun of your Botox-indented forehead

in front of Dusty.

That's not how co-church leaders should act.

Well, I don't have a dented Botox forehead.

I was just... holding my face funny.

Well, you know, even if you do.

Well, I don't.

But if you do dye your sideburns,

I'm sorry I said that you look like a deformed Dracula.

Well, I don't dye my sideburns,

but I accept your apology.

Good.

- Great. - OK.

Because I don't have a Botox forehead.

I don't do my...

All right.

I'm scared, Jesse.

What if we don't have what it takes?

Yeah, I'm scared too.

The only way through this, I guess, is if...

we just have to rise to the occasion,

refuse to fail.

How we gonna do that?

Together.

Do we have to include Judy?

Even that bitch.

The diva is back, y'all.

Ah, hey, everybody. What's up? What's up?

Hey, Stephen, I'm glad you're here.

Would you be up for going through some guitar solo stuff

on "Angels Lift Me Higher"?

Sure.

Hey, everybody, listen up.

Stephen and I need to work on some important creative stuff

with guitar solo stuff for one of the songs.

So if everybody could leave us alone, that'd be great.

Y'all get it.

Artistry.

Get a little rest, or get you a Coke or whatever.

See you soon, Tamothy. You did a great job on tour.

Oh, fuck.

I missed this.

Being bad like some bitch in an '80s movie.

So glad I had to come in and unload

the last of that tour gear.

I had to see you.

Well, you saw me, then.

And now it's time to nut up,

because road head is road head.

That's just the rules of the tour, OK?

We can't be bringing this shit home.

We helped each other through a very trying time in our lives

by dry humping twice and kissing three times.

Now that's four.

But we can't take this any further,

or we would cause some real damage.

So this...

This is goodbye, Stephen.

You're just gonna have to suffer through the pain.

Very well, Judy Gemstone.

Quit, Stephen.

I said quit.

You understand me?

- What the fuck is this? - Mm.

And that's how that part of the song goes.

It goes, like, up and then down, and that's that song.

I should go practice.

No, you should keep your fucking ass right here.

You're cheating, Judy? Gross.

No, Kelvin, this ain't what you think.

Oh, it's not?

Do you know this young lady is married?

Yeah. I am too.

Oh, yuck.

Y'all a bunch of dirtbags.

Kelvin, I'm trying to tell you, you fucking dork,

we're rehearsing a song.

This is not a deal.

Great rehearsal, Stephen.

- Very good working with you. - Good day to you.

Thank you for rehearsing.

Enchanté.

Yeah, enchanté, motherfucker.

You can go right now.

You come back around here again,

I'll send your ass straight to hell.

I work here, though.

Not anymore, you don't, bro.

- He works for me. - I work...

As main decider, the motherfucker is fired.

Well, he's rehired. Boo-yup.

Well, guess what.

I'm refiring him for infinity.

Bye-bye, bitch. - You have to.

Two outvotes one. - Get the fuck out of here.

Begone, Stephen.

Sugar Ray-looking motherfucker.

Get the fuck out of here. - Get out of here.

- OK. - You get out.

Don't stomp him, Jesse.

Fuck, he's leaving.

What the fuck, Judy?

You think we can handle this kind

of scandalous bullshit right now?

Oh, fuck off, Jesse.

Like you ain't done your fair share of illicit shit.

I was on tour, y'all, OK?

This is the shit that happens on the road.

What the fuck are y'all even here for anyway?

We came here to do something nice, OK?

To have a fucking sibling bonding pep talk

about the future.

Instead I come here to see this.

Fine.

Let's fucking pep it up, bros.

Come on. Sibling bonding.

Put your hands in. "New generation" on three.

I'm saying how we do hands.

We're holding hands.

Give me your fucking hands.

- Ugh. - Go on.

Hold her fucking hand.

To the new generation.

To united...

OK, Jesse, this is not natural.

We do not hold hands.

When the Simkins hold hands, it seems fucking natural.

Well, we ain't a holding-hands family, OK, dude?

We never have been. - We do hands on hands, OK?

We're not the frickin' Simkins.

You can sure as shit say that again.

Y'all don't tell on me.

Been a while since you've been here.

Damn. Yes, it has.

I'm surprised you want anything to do with this place

after all the bad memories.

It's all I got left.

You know, after Peter went away...

I'm not here to talk about Peter.

After he went away, the bank took the house.

Boys turned mean, bitter.

They scare me, Eli.

I know you haven't spoken to the family in many years.

I had good reason for that.

And I had good reason to do what I done.

- Oh, here we go. - Oh, here we go.

Look at you, Mr. Hotshot Preacher.

You got more piss and vinegar

than you did when you was begging for help.

What's this about?

Peter got out.

My boys left me and followed him.

I think they're in trouble.

I don't know if they're selling guns or drugs or what.

You expect me to do something?

I'd die without my boys.

I got no one else.

Please, Eli.

After all this time, why should I help you?

Because you're my big brother, Eli.

Please help us win, God.

Please help everyone accept us and for us

to be triumphant over those that would seek to destroy us.

Do we have confirmed visual?

Visual confirmed.

Take the motherfucker to church.

You drove right into me.

You fucked up my bumper.

Oh, don't even try it.

You were at fault here.

Let's see your insurance.

It's behind you.

All: Shut it down! Shut it down!

Shut it down!

All: Shut it down!

Take that.

All: Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut it down!

Oh!

Help!

Get out of here. Shut it down!

All: Shut it down! Shut it down!