Original subtitles

After you've gone

And left me crying

After you've gone

there's no denying

I'm gonna haunt you so

I'm gonna taunt you so

It's gonna drive you to ruin

Surprise daddy.

-Whoa! -Let the bachelor weekend commence!

A whole weekend?

Three sassy days and two glorious nights.

- Your last hurrah. - Anything for our Larry.

Oh children! Oh.

It is so much better in person.

Um, so espooky.

Oh, this architecture, I am having a moment.

Hello?

Well, you never know.

Did you really have to blindfold me?

Full fantasy or go home, you know.

-I packed your bag, Larry. -Yeah, he did.

Right after we kidnapped you and shoved you in the backseat.

Oh, my idea.

And you were screaming, you remember that, Larry?

I mean, it was loud, but you were so cute.

I was embarrassed.

You remembered my night creme?

I mean, I just packed everything in your medicine cabinet.

-Oh, a lot of that stuff was Jamie's. -Oh yeah.

I didn't know which toothbrush was yours, so I just grabbed both.

Sorry to your fiancé and his filthy mouth.

Well, it's gonna be filthy now.

I cannot believe that Jamie kept this a secret.

You should probably call him and tell him where you are.

-Jesus Christ! -Hey, but we're together.

-Four old friends. -Who sometimes kiss.

What?

No, we don't kiss.

Not even on special occasions?

Well, what's the point of having friends if you don't kiss?

Okay. Well, no one kiss me.

Yeah. And I certainly don't need any kisses.

Mmm, that's right.

You've been talking to that guy. Was it Dmitri?

Actually, uh, it didn't work out.

Yeah. So, argh, I'm freshly single now and feeling great about it.

Yes, yes.

I'm sorry.

Okay. This place is crazy.

I know, right?

If I lived in a house like this, I would never wear clothes.

Oh! Oh, imagine... imagine...

imagine me, burning my husband's manuscripts

in this fireplace.

-Amy March. -Ooh. Kathy Bates.

-Hedda Gabler. -Hedda. Yes. I am such a Hedda.

Drama.

Drama!

Do we have a staircase? A fancy staircase.

I'm looking for a fancy staircase.

I have found my fancy staircase

and she's... creaky.

Wait, who am I? Who am I?

Marilyn?

-Rachael Leigh Cook. -Lena Horne.

Yes! Lena Horne.

Well, we have it all weekend.

Jesus. She's loud.

It cost a small fortune, but what's money between friends?

-I'm still waiting on that Venmo. -It's coming, boo.

- Are these complimentary? - Put it down.

Reggie made a whole roster of activities.

Which I suggest we get to because tonight we have our rehearsal

for the end of weekend performance.

-"After You've Gone?" -"After You've Gone."

Is there harmony? Because, I can only hear minor thirds.

Please tell me you brought the wigs.

Stacey.

-Sheila. -Yes!

-Bridgette. -Too many white women!

Josephine.

Hello, Ms. Baker.

-I bequeath her onto you. -Thank you.

Kevin, do you know the steps?

-Did you want to teach me? -I'll teach him.

Children!

I am officially leaving Jamie for the three of you.

I love you. Thank you.

You only get married once.

Dmitri loved flowers.

I mean, we never met in person,

but every day he text me pictures

of the most beautiful arrangements.

So what happened?

He turned out to be an algorithm designed to disenfranchised voters.

Men.

I mean, where did you even find this place?

You said no Fire Island, no Palm Springs.

I mean, can you imagine the kind of person

that would even... I mean, can you?

-Yes. -And...

should I tell him?

Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

It's haunted.

I knew it. I knew it.

I didn't want to jinx it, but I felt it in my bones.

Tell me everything.

According to the National Haunted House Locator's online forum--

So you know it's legit.

Well, you can feel it in the air.

It's thick, you know?

Okay Reggie, tell him the legend.

All right.

One hundred years ago, the original owner--

I need a name.

Sylvia Lawrence.

She was driven mad

and murdered her only son in cold blood.

Was he a lot to handle?

Listen to this.

Sylvia Lawrence, widow and mad woman,

discovered dead after murdering son.

What a shady lady.

Sylvia Lawrence of Suffolk County

was executed in her home on the 21st day of October

at the hands of unidentified culprits.

The incident occurred mere hours

after Ms. Lawrence stabbed her only son, Phillip Lawrence.

And allegedly buried his body on the Lawrence estate.

Local authorities said justice was rightfully served

as Ms. Lawrence would have been executed by the state for her crime.

Fantastic.

And some say,

late at night, if you listen very close.

I have that lamp.

-Oh. -All right.

Okay boys, so first item on the agenda.

Oh, it's color coded.

Um, before that, I have a little surprise.

-We're actually done with surprises for today. -Are we?

-Because I brought my book of spells. -Stop it.

And my crystal ball.

Oh, I love magic.

-This wasn't in any of our texts. -Right.

A surprise.

What do you think? A little séance?

- Absolutely. - Yes.

Bring back Dmitri.

No. I'm feeling like this bachelor weekend's going to be all about...

Summoning Sylvia

Sylvia

-Yes. -All right. I guess we can squeeze it in.

Oh, I should call Jamie.

Yes, you do that and we will go explore. Yeah.

The woodwork, the style, the glamour.

-Hi baby. -What are you doing

FaceTiming while driving?

I'm using the car mount you got me.

-Oh, pull over. -Okay. Okay. Alright. Alright.

So, are you excited about tonight?

The boys already picked me up, actually.

Wait, where are you?

They took me upstate to this epic haunted house.

-Like, people actually died here. -You're upstate?

How long are you going to be upstate?

-Um, three days. -What?

It wasn't my idea.

-I didn't know anything about it. -Ugh.

Why didn’t anyone tell me?

Well, you know, you can't keep secrets.

Okay.

Hey, let me show you around.

Here's a dead bird.

Babe, what about my brother?

You're supposed to spend the whole day with him.

Tux shopping, shoes;

you're the one who suggested it.

Mm-hmm. Can you take him?

I'm working.

Can he take an Uber?

I just, I really wanted you guys to get to know each other.

We talked for like an hour the other night and he had nothing to say.

Well, he takes a while to warm up,

but I know he will love you once he gets to know you.

Well.

Most of his friends are still in Kuwait and...

you know, he and I just started talking again.

-Um. -No, it's okay. It's okay.

Tell everyone I say hi.

-I can come back. -What? No.

No, no. I can be home in a couple hours

and spend the day with Harrison and then be back here tonight.

And leave the boys up there? They'll hate me.

I'm not going to throw you under the bus, babe. Don't worry.

-Are you sure? -Yeah.

I, um...

do you hear that?

Hear what?

Wait, wait Larry.

Excuse me, Miss. Where are you going?

Getting some ice.

You think I didn’t get ice?

But did you get enough?

Get out of the car.

Oh, you know what?

I have to call Jamie really quick.

-Again? -Mmhmm.

Okay. But we should really work

-on this co-dependency thing this weekend. -What?

Hey.

You on the road?

Hello?

What if Harrison came here?

Really?

Yes.

Sure he wouldn't be crashing? I wouldn't want to...

You know what, I spoke before thinking

-and I didn't think it through. -Oh yeah.

And I'm not going to lie. The truth is, is that

we would love to have him here.

Oh!

And everyone's cool with that?

Yes. Right children?

Every, everyone's so excited.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll run it by Harrison.

He could probably drive there in a few hours.

-Are you sure though? I don't want to, uh. -Oh, yay!

I'll send you the address.

Okay, great.

Wow. Thank you, babe.

That is really sweet.

It's so thoughtful of you to think about Harrison

in terms of, like, what he needs and in terms of what I need, of course,

and... and then also in terms of what your friends need.

This is why you... you're like a nurturer,

but you're also a gatherer, because you've gathered everyone together

and you're still finding a way to nurture everyone at the same time.

Hello? Larry?

Oh, there he is.

Join us.

I uh, I have something to tell you.

Oh, tell us through the art of dance!

Oh my good lord what a feeling

All of this joy I’ve been stealing

We all need someone

Someone that can make us believe

Make us believe

So call me a man on a mission

I'm guilty by my own admission

Stop it!

Locked up but I break free

No chains could ever take me

Can’t stop, won’t stop, don’t stop now

Oh my God!

-Uh, square! -Sassy secretary.

-Schindler's List! -Yes.

Hold me a little closer

Can’t stop, won’t stop, don’t stop now

You are my soul, my religion

You are my best decision

Whatever it takes

I’m ready to break my own rules

Break the rules

Oh God!

-Oh! Are you okay? -Oh my God!

See, this is why we have to be careful where we twirl.

Don't limit me.

Next up, we have wine and design, and then we can chat room assignments.

-Ah. -I'll room with you.

We have our own rooms, hun.

Yeah, we have ours and they have theirs.

-No we -- -So Reg,

I'm going to need two rooms;

a suite for me and a receiving lounge for my guests.

-What guests?! -Oh, okay.

So actually Jamie was on the phone and you know what?

-Oh, Mama. -What?

Property of S. Lawrence.

Are those hers? Oh.

She's so scary.

And he's so beautiful.

He is a pretty boy. And this is before FaceTune.

Mmm.

What do you say? Should we...

Meet these icons, get the full story,

maybe I hook up with Phillip? Yeah, I could whip something up.

Phone's away.

Sisters.

- Have you done this before? - Bitch,

do you know how many times I've seen Wicked?

-What does that have to do -- -14 times.

So do not question my devotion to the dark arts.

Nico, you are the witchiest of us all.

You may proceed.

Actually. I.. just kidding, I need to be right back.

I promise I'll be right back. One second.

The gall.

- Hey, what's up? - Hey.

I was just thinking, if Harrison doesn't want to come,

-I definitely don't want to make him. -You're not.

I mean, Nico is wearing a lot of foundation.

Harrison doesn't care about that.

And Reggie wants us to practice the harmony parts, it's a tight quartet...

He's almost there.

-I thought everyone was cool with it. -No they are. I am.

If you didn't want him to come, you shouldn't have --

No, I do.

I want him here. I swear.

-Do you want him to turn around? -No,

-it'll be great. -Okay.

Text me when he gets there.

Great. So now that I've warmed up.

So really quick, I just got off the phone with Jamie --

Silence.

-What was that? -Oh, my hand.

-Someone grabbed my hand. -Hmm, I see it's already working.

Says we need an offering.

Like a sacrifice?

Haven't I sacrificed enough this year?

-We can kill Nico. -I could fuck your father.

Children!

I got it.

The average spirit accepts food, drinks, herbs, flowers, poems, songs...

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

Let's begin.

We summon you, oh spirit

from your eternal rest,

inviting you to join us as our immortal guest.

Privacy be gone and open up your eyes.

Why are you British?

Materialize here from the parting of the skies.

I'm done.

Here's your place.

Years in the dark 'til your pathway is lighted

as you and the earth are at last reunited.

Okay. This is cute.

-Reggie. -Oh but he can be British?

It's jus' me voice!

Tell us your story and then you are free --

-We're right here. -Oh.

Tell us your story and then you are free.

Spirit, oh spirit,

we're summoning thee.

That's it.

And then I blow out the candle.

Here we go.

Are you Phillip?

Ask him where he's buried.

I don't think it's him.

Then it's Sylvia.

-Is it a man or a woman? -Stop gendering ghosts!

Hey!

Larry, no!

Larry, no!

-Is this the bachelor party? -Oh my God!

What?

Reggie, you slut.

-What'd I do? -Reggie hired a stripper!

All right big boy, show me what you're working with?

Guys, stop it.

Stop. Stop. Guys, stop it.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Yeah. I... I didn't order a stripper.

Hey. So children, huh, guys, this is Harrison.

Jamie's brother.

He's going to be joining us for the weekend.

-You mean he's dressed like that for real? -Yes.

Seems strange. I don't remember you telling me about any of this.

-I was trying to. -And he's straight?

He can't help that.

I like your camo.

Okay. I really would've appreciated a heads up.

I spent a lot of time...

Did you fly in from Iraq?

Okay, look. No.

Guys, it's my bachelor party.

Okay. And Harrison is family.

Future family.

He's my brother, brother.

He's my brother-in-law

and we're going to make him feel really comfortable.

You're all gay.

So Harrison, um,

there's actually only four bedrooms here

so I could have accommodated you

if I would've known about this adorable plan.

Again, I am happy to room with someone.

I brought my Breathe Right strips.

I would really, really insist that we all have our own rooms.

Okay. You know what? We'll find a bigger place.

I'm sure there's something around here. I mean it's easy.

-Are you fucking kidding me? -I'll pay for it.

You are the bride, you're not paying a cent.

And by the way, Nico, I'm still waiting for that Venmo.

Oh, I would, but I only have two bars.

Okay. You know what? Harrison can take my room

-and then I'll take the couch. -No. I'll room with Harrison.

I'm okay with it and so is he.

Okay. No, uh, Harrison,

you will have your own room and I will take that couch!

-Are you sure? -Yes, I'm sure!

I love this couch. Look at this thing.

It is just the perfect couch and I love it.

God, what is that? Cotton?

Okay. Well, I brought the canvasses and paint for wine and design

and we still have not yet wined nor designed.

Oh, you know what? Harrison and I, are going to go upstairs

and I'm going to show you to your room

and then, uh, you guys can, uh, start on some cocktails.

- Mm-hmm. - Um, I am-

Oh, I'm sorry. Beer.

I didn't get beer.

Yep. We have Bellinis or Appletinis or Raspberrini-tinis.

-I'll take an Appletini. -Okay.

-Why don't you guys go get some beer? -No, I don't like the taste.

-Okay. But for Harrison. -Where?

-Where are we supposed to go? -A store.

-Will Postmates deliver? -Oh, now you have more than two bars.

Oh no, it died.

-Oh, I wouldn't mind a field trip. -Great, awesome.

Harrison, what kind of beer do you like?

I don't drink.

Okay.

-Oh, right. -Okay.

That's cool. I'm six years sober. There's no shame in that.

Cool.

So why don't we, uh, we're just... follow me.

Actually, you go first.

Got to say, really not cool of Larry to spring this on me.

-Oh relax. At least he's hot. -I'm sorry,

the crew cut, the camo, what is he; a lesbian?

I wonder if he's killed anyone.

I don't know, lesbians are a gentle people.

-He was wearing an army costume. -We just...

uniform.

We just have to make sure that our new lesbian friend feels welcome. For Larry.

Well what about the spirits?

Nico, he just said he doesn't drink.

No. What if he is a spirit?

What if the ghost of Phillip, no, Sylvia, entered his body?

Okay. The point is: None of this was on the schedule.

I'm making an Appletini, losers.

Mother!

Is this what you want?

For people to hear you?

To see your face?

No, I just...

No.

Keep it shut.

Ah.

So, uh, yeah, here it is. Here it is.

Um, it's got your bed. It's kind of cool.

Um, you got a window, dresser.

It's... it's kind of got like a, like a pre-war charm to it actually.

All right, man. I'll see you later.

Oh, okay.

Um... I'm not going to lie. I'm surprised you wanted to come.

Yeah. Jamie asked me to.

Well, hopefully it could be...

Um, I'm... I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

I, I, I didn't know that you were, uh...

can we drink around you? Is it cool?

Reggie's cool with it, but I know everyone is different, so.

Yeah man, you do you.

Okay.

A virgin cocktail for our guest of honor.

What's in it?

Oh, you know a little bit of this, a little bit of that,

but if you mix it with love, it's really going to...

is it good?

Straight people have weaker palates, genetically speaking.

Uh, can I get you anything?

Look, I know my friends can be a lot,

so I want to thank you in advance for putting up with their, uh, energy.

A blonde chick.

Who?

Oh my God! You mean Nico.

She comes on strong.

Nico. Yeah. I'll... I'll talk to him.

He's a guy.

If you say so.

Have you ever seen Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Miss Hepburn, ugh, heaven.

Now I may not be some fancy pants doctor like Sidney Poitier

but uh, I... I do love your brother

and I'd never hurt him.

Gotta take a shit.

Good. Good.

-He didn't like it? -No.

-Well then what does he like? -Pussy.

Nico.

What?

Bitch.

I'm just waiting for our talk

about me needing to... tone it down.

-Oh God. I- -My energy is a lot after all.

You weren't supposed to hear that,

but not everyone can be as big and bold as you.

Ugh, you think that's big?

I mean, I really thought he was the one.

I mean his use of emoji, you can't teach that.

That was literally a virus.

Sorry.

Sorry, I'm speaking out of turn.

He felt so real.

But I liked what Nico was saying though.

You know, if we could just kiss our friends,

even if it's only on special occasions, we wouldn't be so...

alone.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't... I don't, I don't think that.

Yeah. I know. I know.

Besides, we're not, we're not alone.

Oh, you don't think that-?

No, I don't.

So...

it's just us then.

-Oh God. -No.

I'm sorry. Did, did I do that? Let me...

-No, it's fine. - Hold on. Let me help you. Let me help you. I just-

♫Oh, baby,♫

♫See what you're doing♫

♫I'm gonna haunt you so♫

♫I'm gonna taunt you so♫

♫I'm going to drive you to ruin♫

Yes?

Oh, okay.

Are you lost?

I heard singing.

What? Not your genre?

Eww.

Children?

Children?

Hey buddy, what's good?

You good my man?

Any ladies get your fancy?

Oh my God. Fuck, this is hard.

Hey buddy, you good?

-I'm chill. -Oh.

Good.

Good, nice.

Hey man, I been meaning to ask, how... how's your speech coming along?

Speech?

For the reception.

It's always the best man that gives a little speech.

You know...

little dog and pony show, maybe a roast, maybe spoken word.

Nobody told me this shit.

What do I, um...

can you write it for me?

Oh, come on. I... I don't know you and your brother's inside jokes, your experience.

You don't want to know about my experience.

I'm not good with, um...

Words? You're doing great, sweetie.

What the fuck?

Oh, I'm so sorry, man.

Where'd everybody else go?

Uh, I think Reggie and Kevin are -- one second.

Bon appétit.

Ooh, did you want to share my seat?

I'm good.

I... I don't mean share. You can, you can have it.

Where's the meat?

Oh, I figured we can have a light dinner tonight

and then in the morning have an even lighter breakfast.

Let's order in.

-What are you doing? -I got it.

-You're not paying. -It's fine.

Is there a Bennigan's?

I would suggest something, but I don't want to come on too strong.

Harrison?

Harrison!

Uh, pizza?

-Yes. Let's do that. -Sure. Fine.

Ah, then it settled.

You guys like thin crust, right, you skinny faggots?

We can say that now?

We can.

Careful darling.

This one is sharp

designed to penetrate with expedition,

hardly any effort at all.

And this blade can glide right through meat,

clean through the body.

How it must feel to puncture flesh,

to be executioner.

It's been years since you made this.

Remember, Mother?

You'd call me in for supper

and the smell of garlic and tomatoes would fill the house.

Teach me how to make it.

Could you do that for me?

I will do what I must to protect what is good

and pure and right!

And when it is time, I will not be afraid.

What will you do?

What will you do?

Choreography.

Finally. Yay.

Wait, no, I don't actually think that that's--

Wait, I haven't stretched.

Oh, we'll start with a vigorous physical warm up.

-I'll get the wigs. -Oh, treat them with care.

-Oh Harrison, what are you? Baritone, bass-- -No!

What the problem?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. We're not going to make you sing.

But what? It's fine. It's silly.

Fucking hell.

What? I'm just thinking about our guest.

Of course, our guest.

Well, what do you think, Harrison? We'd be learning--

No! He is not interested.

He can speak for himself. What kind of music do you like?

This is good. I like this. It's good.

Is that the Taj Mahal?

I know, where's the light source?

The perspective's a disaster.

God, get it together, Kevin.

Hey, I like yours.

Oh thanks. It's my family.

Aww! Your mom's so pretty.

Thanks.

Nico, let's see yours.

-Wow. It's uh-- -Abstract.

It's abstract.

Okay. Hey. Hey buddy. Why don't you come join us, buddy?

I'm sorry. I can't, sorry.

Migraine.

Okay. Uh, Never-Have-I-Ever, anyone?

-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

-I always lose this game. -All right. Clear the space.

Believe it or not, this was on the schedule for tomorrow.

Ah, great minds.

'Scuse me?

What was that?

It's probably just a part of the package. Just embrace it.

I'm just gonna, just gimme a...

Hi Frank, it's Reggie, your weekend tenant.

Uh, hi. I was just calling about the banging in the walls.

I was wondering if that was like one of those fun features

or more of a structural issue.

I look forward to getting your call, or a text.

We love a text. Bye.

All right, children, shall we?

Let's play. 10 fingers up, let me see 'em.

I'll go first.

Never have I ever killed my son

and buried his body on my estate.

-Never? -I know. Surprising, right?

And I don't have an estate, which is insane.

-Reggie? -I don't know.

-I always thought I would have a daughter. -Aww.

-Kevin? -I buried all my beanie babies once.

Why?

They knew too much.

What about you Harrison? You ever kill and bury your son?

It's funny.

Okay.

Who's next? And for real this time.

-Okay. My turn. Never have I ever-- -Kevin...

-why don't you go? -Why don't I get to go?

Because no one needs to hear what little you haven't done in a bathhouse.

-And by no one, you mean-- -Kevin! Yes.

Um, um, um, never have I ever

hooked up with a guy on the kitchen floor of a creepy old house

'til today.

-What? -Kevin!

-I fucking knew it. -Oh no. That is not how you play.

-Well then how do you play? -This happened when?

I knew you all were in that kitchen for too long!

Let's not make a big thing about--

You whores! This is my bachelor party.

Hold up. They did what?

Yeah. My thoughts exactly, Harrison.

Wait, first off, how long has this been happening?

This was the first time.

Yeah. I've never even looked at him in that way.

Not that he isn’t, not that you... you are adorable.

You are too. My mom is going to flip.

-You like that, Harrison? -It's pretty funny.

It is funny.

Oh, wait. Oh my God.

You all hooked up while making the sandwiches?

What?

-Yeah, but the sandwiches were sanitary. -We swear.

And on the floor?

The splinters, oh my God. But you know what...

-you two, this is so-- -Disgusting.

Um, cute.

I was going to say cute. You guys are cute.

-What did you just say? -What?

He didn't mean that. You didn't mean that, right?

Why are you defending him?

You guys were laughing too.

-You know what, I'm going to-- -No wait, don't go.

Um.

What the-?

What just happened?

I can't see.

- Where's the fuse box? - I don't know.

-It's a rental! -Will somebody get their phone?

Oh, I have it here.

-I thought your phone died. -Oh it did.

-This is it. -Okay, everyone...

just says stay calm. I'm sure that there's a explanation--

There's so much I haven't done!

-Who is touching me? -Not fucking me!

No one thought it was fucking you!

Nobody move.

Oh my God.

Did you hear that?

Where is it coming from?

Oh! It worked.

What worked?

Um, we had a séance before you came here.

It was, it was nothing. Really, it was silly.

Maybe it was a mouse.

Okay, maybe several mice.

Hi Frank. It's Reggie.

I was just wondering if maybe we were surrounded by demonic forces

or in possible need of some maintenance.

Please give me a call back as soon as you can.

I hope you're having a wonderful evening surrounded by loved ones.

Sylvia?

-Phillip? -Don't!

-Is this what you guys do? You fuck around with demons? -No!

-Phillip is not a demon. -I mean, Sylvia, we're still unclear.

You put some kind of curse on me?

-Oh, on you. Oh honey. -Are you serious?

We didn't think it would work.

Nothing worked! We're getting ahead of ourselves.

Um, all signs point to, I'm a witch.

I think... they're here.

Okay. For argument sake,

let's just say we summoned a murderous ghost

with a pale son. If we summoned her,

then we can exorcise her, right?

Well but she just got here.

And now she needs to leave!

Come on, there must be something in your book about reversing it!

-Go get it! -What if she gets mad?

-Who? -Sylvia!

-Fuck this, I'm out of here. Wait!

If he wants to leave then let him leave.

Wait, you don't have your stuff.

-Get your bag, Larry. -What? Me?

Let's move. I'm not going to get blamed for leaving you here alone.

He's not alone.

Harrison, bruh, you don't have to be scared.

I'm not.

Turns out there's a bunch of gay guys here who aren't.

Would somebody shut this guy up before I knock him out?

Okay. Well, you know what? Guys, all we have to do is calm down,

take a breather, and exorcise the evil spirits from this house.

What?

What happened to sitting down with Ms. Lawrence

and finding out why she murdered her kid?

-Who? -I'm not finished.

And what is the point of booking a haunted house?

-This place is haunted? -I'm speaking? I'm speaking.

Can't we just ask Sylvia a few questions?

-Like what? -Why did you do it?

Where is he buried? Who are you wearing?

Was there a husband?

I mean, she seems more like a widow to me.

But what if she killed him too?

Let's let her bring that up.

Hey!

What the fuck is this?

Someone's fucking with me and it's not funny.

What happened?

I said I don't drink. Look at my cup.

I, I, I'm sure it was an accident.

-Nobody filled up your glass. -Someone did.

-Oh, Sylvia... -And I know it was you.

Uh, Nico wouldn't have done that.

Okay. Do you have a sponsor that you could call?

-What? You're part of The Program, right?

-So you have some-- -I don't do that shit.

Okay. Okay. Alright.

Well, if this is triggering for you, which it's okay

if it is, just give me the glass and I'll pour it out,

no worries.

Don't waste it. Larry, come get your hetero.

Okay. You're not helping.

The second those lights went out, you grabbed that bottle.

First chance you got to screw with me.

What is your problem?

I... I mean, did you?

What?

I... I mean, you've had it out for him since...

Oh, I've had it out for him?!

Okay. Can we just table this?

-I mean, we have an exorcism to do. -Good call.

Uh, Sylvia! Can you hear us?

Yeah. Make yourself known, girl!

Yeah. We just want to talk. I'm sure you have some stories!

From the moment I walked in here I knew you were bad fucking news.

-Same girl. -Hey, don't call me that.

Okay. Can we please?

You wanted me to get drunk and lose control.

-Say it. You wanted to-- -Have my way with you?

Take advantage of you?

-Hey, you're sick. -Hey, both of you, stop it.

You know what, if I were going to hit on a straight guy,

I wouldn't pick one with such a shitty personality.

Someone wants to die tonight!

-What are you doing? -It's a distraction, go with it.

Get off of me!

Hey, fuck it.

Spirit's got nothing on drunk me.

No, no, no. What are you doing?

Let's party bitch. Hmm?

Bottoms up.

Oh my God. Oh Jamie... Jamie. Oh my God.

-Okay. -And we're going down.

-Okay, Kevin, go get some water. -Okay.

-Here. Here. -Oh, Nico's got it. Nico got the water.

Okay, Larry, are you drinking the water?

Do you need help drinking the water because I can--

Give him space please, three feet, all right.

Hey look, you're good. It's all good.

Why did I have to marry a white boy?

You see, this is what happens.

-You love Jamie. -He's fine.

-You love Jamie. -Leave me alone! -Oh.

Okay. All right, this is what we're going to do.

Listen up. We are going to figure out a way to reverse this shit

and get these spirits back to where they came from. Yes?

-Yes. -Understood?

-Nico? -Mm-hmm.

-All right. Good. Go get your book. -Jamie's going to--

Jamie.... Jamie has no idea what's even going on.

Hey, and Harrison can sleep it off.

Don't even worry about Jamie. He's probably not even thinking about us.

Oh.

-Hi Jamie. It's Reggie. -Reggie.

I love hearing your voice. You love hearing mine.

Listen, everything is great over here.

Don't worry about anything.

Your brother just screamed at us and drank an entire bottle of wine.

-We have it all under control. -Do you mean Harrison?

-Yeah. Don't worry about it. -Larry?

Okay. We're going to order pizza.

-Where is Larry? All right. Blessings to you and yours. Bye-bye.

Hey. Hi. How are you? Sorry about that, it's really,

-everything is fine. We're having-- --Stop talking.

-Did he really drink? -Yes.

But it was just a few sips followed by several more sips.

-I'm driving up. -No, no, I can handle this.

-Find the spell. -Oh, relax. She's probably already gone by now.

Find the spell.

You don't know my brother.

You got to have your bachelor party, so let me have mine.

I know. It's just that in the past...

there have been times when he has gotten... violent.

Hasn't happened in a while, but...

Wow. Great. Thanks for inviting him.

-You invited him! -You made me invite him!

It was your idea! Okay. Okay. I'm on my way.

Is that really necessary?

Yes.

Keep an eye on him

and just make sure that you hide anything that could be used as a potential--

So we have Sylvia's gloves, but we still need to find something of Phillip's.

Okay. Well, how are we supposed to know what belongs to him?

-Just use your intuition. -You don't have to be rude about it.

There is no time for nice.

Okay. Uh...

Pants. Will these work?

-Are they Phillip's? -I don't know. I like the pleats.

While you're in there, find me a shawl. Something with drama.

Focus.

Knock, knock.

What boo, are you okay?

Oh my...

I'm just so happy for them.

What don't you understand here?

Sylvia found that photo and that's all she needed to see.

-Diva was hateful. -What about the other boy?

She probably killed him too.

I imagine she walked in on them doing the deed and lost her fucking mind.

And that still wasn't enough.

There are four magnificent queens in this house

and she's not done yet.

I knew it.

You knew nothing.

I felt it.

- Okay. - Let's just not jump to conclusions.

He is gay. As gay as you and me, almost as gay as Nico.

Impossible. Just look at him.

Okay. Okay.

The moment I looked into those faggoty eyes, I knew.

-It's her. -Here we go.

Shit, shit, shit.

-It's stuck! -No, no!

Let me think.

Does anyone have their phone on them? Mine's dead.

Aren't you seriously still committing to that bit?

Oh God. Mine's on the kitchen counter.

Just serves me right for trying to be in the "now."

-Kevin, please shut up. -Larry!

-Hey Larry! -Larry! Larry! -Larry!

What are you doing down here?

I've never been so happy to see you.

-Did you see Harrison? -Did you see Sylvia?

No. Wait, we do not have time for this. Listen.

-No, you listen. Phillip's a homo. -What?

Or bisexual, which is legitimate and beautiful.

-See for yourself. -Yes.

That's why Sylvia killed him.

-And now she's after us. -And she's being very rude.

Okay. I'm ready. Let's do the spell.

We have all this stuff, right?

Wait, we have to find Harrison.

-Literally, who cares about him? -He has a knife.

Make him feel welcome, they said.

-Like why are you--? -Shh.

-I'm just saying, if he's in the house, shouldn't we-- -Be fucking quiet!

Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

Why are you being so mean?

Because you're going to get us killed.

Look, if you want to go out there, be my guest.

Now I get why they say you shouldn’t kiss your friends.

Where are you going?

Kevin?

Harrison?

Fuck!

Hello?

Uh, delivery.

Got your meatless pepperoni, gluten-free vegan cheese.

Hello?

It's you.

-Uh. -I've been expecting you.

Well, yeah.

So lifelike, so innocent,

tragic, but beautiful.

Thanks.

And who hasn't, in a sense, been victim to our mothers.

How'd you know?

What can I say? We did a little digging and uh, we know your secret.

My secret?

You don't have to hide anymore.

Look at me, now we love in the open.

Oh. Okay. Wow.

Shh. We don't have much time. I see you, I get you,

and I am going to set you free.

Oh, it feels so real!

Ooh!

Harrison. You in here?

What's good, my man?

You, uh, you chilling?

Harrison, I--I know you might be angry,

maybe even a little sloshed, and that's okay.

I mean, I just need to know that you're okay, because we're brothers, right?

And you don't even have to talk.

I mean, I-- We can even watch a sports game.

Yeah. Why don't we do that?

Why don't we watch... Sports?

Hey Frank, we certainly seem to have

summoned some suspicious spirits.

Uh, sooo if you could please advise us on how to proceed with that.

I will leave a glowing review on your website.

Um, okay. Blessings to you and yours.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Harrison, no one is going to hurt you. Okay?

Okay. We would never do that.

Let's just get your stuff and get out of here before Sylvia,

or anything bad happens.

Oh fuck. What the fuck. Oh my God.

-Oh, are you okay? I'm so sorry, I didn't-! -Ow!

Hey!

-Careful. -My God. He's fine.

Yeah, I'm so, so, so, so, so sorry.

-What happened? -I couldn't see anything and I just-.

Okay. We need to hurry up and do the spell.

-Your best man was almost killed. -By you.

-It was an accident. -You did this to me?

Okay. The sooner that we exorcise her from this house,

the sooner that this is all over.

I mean, look at what you did to Harrison.

What are you even saying?

Going after Nico with a knife, Harrison would never do that.

-He just did. -No, clearly he is possessed by Sylvia.

You have got to stop making excuses for him.

-He's right. -Thank you.

No, Larry's right.

She's in there. She saw me with Phillip.

-What? -Was I passed out for the Phillip part?

No, none of you were there.

Okay. Look, Sylvia attacked me because I fucked her son.

Bitch, no.

So what, I fucked a ghost. No big deal.

It wouldn't be the first time. It's not going to be my last.

-Did it hurt? -Yeah I'm gonna need a play by play.

No, it was exactly what you'd think.

I mean, he was soft. He smelled like bread...

-Does the boyfriend know? -Who?

You know, the one in the picture.

Just what we need. Another angry ghost.

Look, we don't know their arrangement.

Anyway, the moment his icy hands touched my living flesh--

Children! Details later.

Right now we have an exorcism to do.

Bring me the objects.

Something of hers. Something of his.

-Oh my gosh. Should we wake him? -Why would we do that?

I like him better when he is sleeping.

Okay. Harrison is in there somewhere

and he needs our help. If we wake him--

Then Sylvia attacks us all over again.

The host body is unconscious.

Let us leave it that way.

Hands.

Spirit or devil or demon or god,

cease your possession and evil façade.

Into our house may you enter no more.

We banish your mischief and waging of war.

This host shall not be penetrated by your pagan plot.

Abdicate this vessel should his goodness start to rot.

-What Goodness? -Hey!

It won't work if you keep adding your commentary.

Okay. But what if it doesn't work

because there's no goodness to save?

Be gone, be exiled as we chant our spell.

-Be gone. Be- -Fuck me.

Oh my God. He's awake. Harrison!

-Wait, be careful. -Do not untie him.

-People, we are mid-exorcism. -Hey, my dude.

-What did you do to me? -It was for your own safety.

Yeah, you tried to kill our friend so we restrained you.

To be clear, Sylvia entered your body

and she tried to kill me because I bottomed for her son.

Oh, don't scare him!

Fine, I topped her son. Now if we can resume.

Do you, do you need some water?

-Seriously? -Get me...

-Yeah buddy. -Sit down. We need to finish this.

-We can't just leave him here like this! -Get me...

-Whatever you need, just tell me. -Sit down.

-Nico is right. Come on. -You get me the fuck out of here!

-Shut up Sylvia, we're working on it.

Read!

Be gone, be exiled as we chant our spell,

relinquishing our innocence, you succubus from hell.

Oh, hush woman!

Now all together.

Exorcizamus Te immundus spiritum.

Exorcizamus to the, to the what?

Exorcizamus Te immundus spiritum.

Exorcizamus Te immundus spiritum.

Exorcizamus Te immundus spiritum.

Exorcizamus Te immundus spiritum.

Exorcizamus Te immundus spiritum.

Exorcizamus Te immundus spiritum.

No. No. No. No.

What are you doing? You'll get us all killed.

Stop!

Look.

Guys, look at this right here.

-You're scaring me. -Soon you'll be free of pain.

"My son and his heart."

I'll be right behind you.

-If I lose my way? -You won't.

It's her handwriting.

-And if they find me? -I won't let them.

You remember what I told you? It's two miles north of here.

And if I see the river, I've traveled too far.

When you reach the house, go into the cellar,

there are blankets and there's food.

And Simon?

I have to find him. We have to warn him.

And let them catch you?

No, you must leave, now.

-I'll tell the others you’ve run away. -No, tell them we're dead.

Tell them that you buried me in the forest, Simon too.

In due time I'll slip out.

And find Simon.

-And then the three of us, we can all be-- - Run.

Go, out the back.

But why'd they kill her?

He's gone. You'll never find him.

He's dead. Buried in the woods.

Now get out, get out of my house!

-Because she kept their secret. -Sylvia.

She's not evil.

Is she even here?

Oh, sorry. Tricky harmony.

-What the fuck! -It was you?

What? I just wanted to nail it by showtime.

That's not even close to what we taught you.

Then we're using the track.

-I am so sorry. -No, I'm sorry.

-I was awful to you. -I almost killed you.

It was an accident. I know it was an accident.

-Sylvia, why are you doing this? -I'm not Sylvia!

-Exactly what she would say. -Harrison, put, put the knife down.

Stay back.

Okay. If you are not Sylvia,

then why did you come into my room with a knife?!

-You said there were demons! -Spirits.

The walls were banging. The lights went out.

There was that guy I'd never seen before.

-Phillip, your beautiful son? -I'm not her. I'm me!

Nico, she is not in there.

-You weren't trying to kill us? -No!

Jamie said that when you get drunk, you get violent.

I never hurt anyone.

You call me faggot and then you tie me up.

-We never called you that. -I know what I heard.

No one here thinks you're gay, maybe an asshole but--

I don't know any gay people.

And all of a sudden, my brother, he's gay

and he's getting gay married and I'm having parties with gay guys and--

Sounds so fun.

-And then you try to get me drunk. -It was me!

-Oh honey. -What?

Yeah. It was a mistake. I thought it was my glass.

-You? -And everyone was yelling

and I was super scared and I just--

-It was an accident. -Yeah. Yeah.

I'm- I'm really, really sorry Harrison,

Larry, everyone for wasting such a good Merlot.

It's fine.

I'm just-- you know,

I have been trying really hard to make things easier for you.

I even put you over my friends, which will not happen again

because I'm tired of apologizing for myself.

And Nico, you are not too much.

No, I am. It's my superpower.

Yes it is. And wait, who did you have sex with?

Oh my God. Oh. Frank.

-Hi, Hi. -Hi Reggie, this is Frank, I got your message.

Yes. At first it was the pipes and then it--

-There's issues with the water hammer so if you-- -Water hammer?

The water pressure gauge. Uh, you need to I think--

Water pressure... sorry.

I don't know what any of these words mean.

I do.

You know, that's causing the--

Actually Frank, you know what? We're good.

Yes, we did expel the evil energy from the house.

So, um... actually Frank right now is not a great time,

but you will get your five stars, okay? Kiss, kiss.

Miss?

-Come to a meeting with me. -Now?

When we get back.

Um, okay. Maybe. Okay.

Children, should we call it a night?

Um, should I learn that song?

After you've gone and left me crying

After you've gone there's no denying

You'll feel blue, you'll feel sad

You'll miss the bestest pal you've ever had

There'll come a time, now don't forget it

There'll come a time, when you'll regret it

Oh baby, think what you're doing

My love for you is gonna drive me to ruin

After you've gone, after you've gone

away

After you've gone

and left me crying

After you've gone

there's no denying

You're gonna feel blue, and you're gonna feel sad

You're gonna feel bad and you'll miss,

and you'll miss, and you'll miss

the bestest pal you ever had,

There'll come a time,

now don't forget it

There'll come a time,

when you'll regret it

Oh baby,

think what you're doing

I'm gonna haunt you so, I'm gonna taunt you so,

It's gonna drive you to ruin

After you've gone, after you've gone

away!

-Well, um, I-- -Hi baby.

-Hi. -Hi bro.

Is everyone okay?

Fabulous

Okay.

I’m feeling shaky, stir-crazy

Raging like wolverine

My ma made gravy I’m lazy

Binge-watching Stranger Things

I got to get down

If you know what I mean

My army let’s party

I, I got some major schemes

I can’t wait to get the gang back together

I can’t wait to get the gang back together

You know me, I’m always down for whatever

I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait

I can’t wait, I can’t wait

I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait

I’m feeling restless and reckless

Ah man get out the way

So pump the record for breakfast

I want to hear it play

I got to get loud

Buck wild blow some steam

Ah make metal next level,

circle up with my team

I can’t wait

To get the gang back together let’s go, let’s go

I can’t wait

To get the gang back together come on, let’s go

You know me

I’m always down for whatever yeah, let’s go

I can’t wait, I can’t wait. Let’s go, let’s go

I can’t wait, I can’t wait,

Get back together, get back together

I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait

We going to start some trouble So get ready to rumble

We get fired up

Straight to the moon on a shuttle

Better buckle up

Because we’re looking to hustle

Better knuckle up

We the king of the jungle

We going to start some trouble

So get ready to rumble

We get fired up

Straight to the moon on a shuttle

Better buckle up

Because we’re looking to hustle

Better knuckle up

We the king of the jungle

I can’t wait

Get back together

I can’t wait

Get back together

I can’t wait, wait

Get back, get back

I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait

I can’t wait

To get the gang back together

I can’t wait

To get the gang back together

You know me

I’m always down for whatever

I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait.