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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1 If my mom knew I was out on a weekday,

she'd ground me till summer.

Your mom scares me.

That's why I didn't tell my mom where I'm going today.

Good, because I am definitely not allowed to be on a date right now.

Which this is, right?

Yeah, obviously.

Okay, on three, say where your mom thinks you are right now.

One, two, three...

Debate practice.

- Whoa! You do debate too? - Only since the first grade.

Huh. Then I guess you and I have a little showdown coming up

at the Valley Regional Debate Tournament.

2V2 public forum. I look forward to cross-firing you.

Oh, snap!

That was the hottest thing a guy had ever said to Devi.

And yet, there was one little thing that was still bothering her.

Hey, so can I ask you a question?

Why did you ghost me?

Look, I'm sorry. That was shitty of me.

But after that party, I kinda started to wonder

if I should really be hitting on a girl who was just crying over another guy.

Uh, I was only crying for, like, six minutes.

But I see your point.

You should know though, I'm over Paxton.

I actually like someone else.

♪ I see the look that's in your eyes I've been feeling something lately ♪

- It's me, right? - Yeah.

♪ I've been feeling something lately ♪

♪ I've been feeling something lately ♪

♪ I've been feeling something lately ♪

Good morning, you beautiful bitches.

Wow, someone's in a chipper mood.

Yes, I am because a talent agent just emailed me about auditioning for her.

- Congrats! - That's awesome!

Thanks! Seems like the commercials I did really showcased my craft.

Do you need some privacy on your Jolly Roger?

Set your sails for Captain Joe's Blinds.

Thar she blinds!

All sales are final.

Can anyone help me tape it this weekend?

Sorry, El. Devi and I have our debate tournament.

Mmm. That's okay. I'll have Trent do it.

Wait. So, Devi, are you excited

to go up against Des at the tournament this weekend?

That's kind of spicy, huh?

I know, right? We're gonna go at it.

And then, we're gonna go at it,

for a couple of minutes until our moms pick us up.

Do they suspect anything yet?

Nope. That's the best part of our moms being friends.

We've been hanging out for weeks, and they don't have a clue.

Ugh! There's nothing sexier than a secret liaison dangereux.

Little did they know, there was another liaison dangereux in their midst,

who were finally ready to go publique.

There is something that Aneesa and I would like to announce.

We are together.

What? How? When? Why? Well, I know why. You guys are both hot.

Well, we kinda kissed a while ago.

You did?

Yeah. We both had crushes in secret,

but decided to make it official at the coffeehouse.

Holy crap, you guys. This is so exciting.

Ah!

- Hey, so what should we do tonight? - I don't know. Hook up in your garage?

Yeah, but we always do that. Don't you get bored doing the same thing?

I mean, what if we mix it up a little?

Like, what if we went to an art gallery or something?

Would we get drunk before?

Oh my God, that's such a good idea.

Never mind. Let's just meet at my place.

You should write movies, Paxton. You're, like, so hilarious.

Look at us, we're offish.

Yo, Sherman Oaks, hot couple alert.

I know. Watch out, school, Aneeola is here.

Hmm. That sounds like a body part.

What about Fabees?

No, that sounds like Febreze.

How about just Fabiola and Aneesa?

Oh.

- Um, were you going for a hug or a kiss? - I don't know. What were you doing?

Like, are we PDA people or not? Or like what's our goodbye ritual?

- You know what, let's not overthink this. - Yeah.

Uh...

- I'll see you later! - Yep. Yep. Sorry.

Des, Devi! Dinner in five!

Hmm? Hey! Are you nuts?

What if our moms catch us?

How are we supposed to make out if we're decapitated?

Maybe they'll bury our heads together?

"Easy practice sesh at Sherman Oaks High"?

Hey, are you calling our debate tournament an easy practice sesh?

Oh. Um, sorry. That's just how they put it on the team calendar.

Wait, so you guys think you're gonna just show up and destroy us

because you're from a fancy private school?

No. I mean, do we think we have a good chance at winning?

Yeah, but only because we always do.

We've come close a few times.

Well, that's because we usually send our freshmen to compete against you.

You do? Huh.

I guess that's why we've never met before

and why I thought everyone at your school was strangely small.

But this time, we're bringing our senior squad.

So you and I can hang out.

Wait, are you mad?

I'm not trying to be insulting.

It's just Hartman Hill is nationally ranked,

and we mostly compete against colleges.

So what? Our school's had four people audition for The Voice.

And only two of them are now dead.

Look, we have an unfair advantage.

Our school just has more resources than yours.

The real problem is how underfunded the public school system is.

My school's doing just fine, thank you.

Look, I really didn't mean to offend you.

Uh... Well, I'm not offended.

You should be offended

by how badly you're gonna get crushed at tomorrow's tournament.

Okay. I look forward to it.

Hmm.

Kamala, you're gonna love this.

It says sexy 'cause, you know.

There's my label maker

and what's left of my expensive label tape,

but yes, you are very sexy.

Mmm.

What's all this gear?

You got tape. You got trash bags. What, you burying a body?

Am I dating a future true crime star?

No, I told my aunt that I would help organize

some of my grandmother's things.

Yesterday, a pile of her boxes from India toppled over

and trapped her for like 12 hours.

Well, don't worry, she's fine. She said it was the best sleep she's had in years.

I'd ask you to come, but you know.

Yeah. Granny hates me.

I get it. No worries.

I have to judge a debate tournament at the school today anyways,

and those kids hate me slightly less.

Mmm, sounds like we both have thrilling Saturdays lined up.

Yeah, why are we so boring?

You know what? We should make up for it tomorrow with a little bit of...

And when I said that we were gonna destroy Hartman Hill, Des laughed.

Ergo, he thinks he's gonna win. So we have to beat them.

Although, I'd rather you not entangle my academic pursuits

in whatever kink this is for you,

I'm gonna have to side with your Love Island-looking boyfriend on this one.

- Hartman Hill's gonna crush us. - What?

Yeah. I heard that their new coach is the computer that won Jeopardy.

Ben, since when do you just give up?

Look, I'm trying not to get so hung up on what other people are doing.

Whatever. We still have to try to beat them.

How? Hartman Hill has LexisNexis Premium. That means no commercials.

Yeah. The only periodical we have in our library

is a free neighborhood paper.

Sherman Oaks Tootler.

The one that always arrives soaked no matter what the weather is?

Yep. This one from December's headline is about a guy named Pete Flume

who put up so many Christmas lights, it blacked out his neighborhood.

Hard-hitting stuff.

Mr. Flume says, "It is my sacrosanct duty

to infuse my neighborhood with Christmas cheer."

"And yes, that starts with a 20-foot-tall, topless Mrs. Claus."

Mmm. That should help us in the debate.

Organized debate

can be traced all the way back to the bosom of democracy.

He said bosom.

There, philosophers and politicians

would joust not with swords but with their tongues.

He said tongues.

And they would assemble for such debates atop a hill known as the Pnyx.

- He said... - Okay, let's get this tournament going.

Teams, you can see your room assignments on the board. Good luck.

And, Eric, you're not even in debate. You should be in Saturday detention. Go.

So, looks like we're on opposite sides of the bracket.

I guess we'll have to wait till the finals to squash you ding-dongs.

It'd be awesome if you made the finals. We'll see how things go.

I'm telling you how it'll go.

Badly for you, goodly for me.

But we'll still make out later, right?

Stop trying to flirt with me. We're mortal enemies today.

And yes, we can make out later.

Resolved, that performance-enhancing drugs should be allowed in sports.

Let's see what the human body can do, baby.

It's clear that two-day shipping is a very real threat to our society.

So for the sake of our children, we must do more vertical farming.

All right. Camera, ready. Action.

I'm Eleanor Wong, and I'm 5'5",

and I'll be doing Jennifer Lopez's speech from Hustlers.

- Cut. - What do you mean, "cut"?

I haven't even started.

Sorry, I just feel like it's missing something.

Yeah, the whole monologue.

No, that's not it. I'm worried it's not gonna pop, you know?

You need to be memorable if this agent is gonna sign you.

Is that why you brought a stripper pole?

She's not even stripping during the speech!

- I'm just trying to get levels. - Sorry I dragged you here.

Thought this would be more fun.

Oh, I'm having fun. I love watching people fight.

- I'm a big UFC fan. - Let me explain my vision, okay?

Babe, I'm just talking about some subtle ambiance. Let me show you.

Imagine doing your monologue,

ripping those lines straight out of your mouth hole.

And just as your speech climaxes super hard,

this happens.

Are you kidding me?

Oh shit. I'm so sorry!

The guy behind Baskin-Robbins assured me these were the ones for pussies.

Eleanor! Wait!

Oh shit.

And we have our finalists! Congrats to Sherman Oaks and Hartman Hill.

And to the other teams,

just remember there is no such thing as losing, only learning.

I've actually lost every competition I've ever entered.

Hey, David.

Don't be insufferable about this,

but you may have been right to think that we can win.

Yeah, I know, right? We've been on fire.

I mean, aside from their beautifully tailored blazers,

what do they have that we don't? Absolutely no...

A team of paralegals and a fancy-looking omniscient computer.

That's the computer that won Jeopardy. We're so screwed!

Okay, let's get to our final topic.

Is the privatization of outer space a just cause?

Sherman Oaks, you won the coin toss. Which side will you argue?

Aw, shit. Which one's easier?

Look at them, so comfortable.

Pits as dry as the Sahara.

Is this a trap? What do we do?

Uh, affirmative.

Hartman Hill, you will argue the negative.

Uh, unless the school burns down. Everybody out, single file.

Okay. Very quickly, but respect each other's bodies.

Okay, I'm assuming this goes in the trash?

- No, that's a definite keeper. - Mami, you got to get rid of some things.

You've only lived here a year and have more things than Devi and I.

I can't help that I have an eye for incredible treasures.

Like this bag of wrapping paper scraps?

That's the perfect shape if I wanted to give someone a straw as a gift.

Kamala, you should take your grandmother inside,

and put away things from the keep pile.

Rhyah and I will stay out here and continue sorting.

Okay. Come, Pati.

Okay.

Oh. What's this wheelchair?

Um, that was actually Devi's.

What?

What happened?

Oh, well, um...

When Mohan died, it was really hard on Devi,

and, um, this really wild thing happened

where she temporarily lost feeling in her legs.

Oh no! That must have been so scary.

Hmm, yeah, it was terrifying.

Last couple of years have been a bit of a roller-coaster ride for us.

- You wanna talk about it? - I don't know.

You know, she's... she's just been angry, and she's acted out a lot.

And she even got suspended from school.

Oh God.

Yeah, but she's doing so much better.

I'm sorry you've had such struggles, Nalini.

I can't imagine how hard it's been.

Thank you.

And Des has just always been so easy.

I need to remember to feel gratitude about that.

Thank you.

Ugh! I can't believe my boyfriend is an arsonist.

This is actually good. We needed a beat anyway.

There is no way Hartman Hill's allowed to have paralegals, right?

I mean, there's nothing in the rule book against it. So it's technically legal.

Hey, congrats on getting to the finals, killer!

My team went on a matcha run. Can I grab you something?

Hartman Hill is getting matcha.

They're so relaxed, they need an energy boost?

And he called you "killer."

It's what my grandmother's kickboxing coach calls her,

and she does the class seated.

Devi knew that Des was trying to be nice,

but it was infuriating how unthreatened he was.

The only thing separating his team from hers was money,

which paid for professionals to do all their research,

research that was sitting in the school completely unguarded.

No, Devi, that's cheating.

But then again, weren't they kind of cheating?

This was an unfair playing field, and perhaps it was time to level it.

Man, she is going off. You okay?

No, I'm not okay. I'm thriving.

What? But you guys are in a fight.

Nah, that's just what El and I do.

We rile each other up, and then we love each other down.

If you tried to dick tap me right now, you'd probably break your hand.

Okay.

Honestly, being in a relationship this passionate,

it's like the best high I've ever had.

And I've been struck by lightning.

I don't know, man, seems like a lot.

Oh, you do you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Daddy's gotta go get scolded.

Hey! Devi, what are you doing in here?

Oh, um, I was just, uh...

seeing if any students needed to be saved from the fire.

Nope. All good.

Let's debate, bro.

Aneesa, what are you doing here?

I'm here to be a good girlfriend. Look, I made you a sign.

Oh. Thank you.

No, no, I hold it. This is what girlfriends do at football games.

Oh.

So when do you go out there?

I don't. I'm just an alternate.

So I sit here unless someone calls out sick.

Oh. Okay.

Cool. Guess I'll just sit over here then.

Well, I definitely didn't move it.

Hey, we're missing a binder.

Uh, I didn't touch it. It was probably the new paralegal.

I saw her order a Bloody Mary at breakfast.

Tell you what, I think that fire kind of ruined the flow of things.

So in the interest of keeping things fair,

I think Sherman Oaks and Hartman Hill should switch sides.

Uh... Objection, Your Honor.

To what? To fairness, Devi?

Um, no.

That's what I thought.

Let's begin.

Okay, now here's a box that's a keeper.

Look at all these old photos and several rolling pins,

but mostly photos.

Oh, look there's you.

Oh, and Tata.

This is when we used to have ice cream Sundays,

which was when all we would eat on Sunday was ice cream.

I always got very sick.

I remember. I was the one who had to feed you clear rasam the next day.

Oh, I miss Tata. He was so much fun.

Yes, sometimes a little too fun.

I loved your grandfather,

but he was more of a dreamer than a doer.

How so?

He never liked any job that he had, so he frequently had no job at all.

And I had to make what little we did have stretch a long way.

Why do you think I save all this stuff?

Pati, I had no idea.

But it does give a whole new meaning to this shoebox filled with loose sporks.

Kanna, this is what scares me about Manish.

That you will have to be a parent to him, like I was to my husband.

I look at Manish with his high-top sneakers

and sparkly men's earrings,

and I don't see a grown-up.

I don't see someone who can make sacrifices

for you and your family.

Pati, I know you're trying to protect me.

But Manish is not Tata.

And one day, I hope he'll get to prove that to you.

And that's time. Let's move on to closing statements.

Hartman Hill, you're up first.

Our planet becomes less habitable by the day,

so private space exploration is imperative to human survival.

As a local venture capitalist stated in a recent LA Times op-ed,

"It is our sacrosanct duty..."

He said stank doodie.

Eric, go to detention!

Wait, Eric was right.

Not about the stank part.

Des did say "sacrosanct duty."

Why did that phrase sound so familiar?

"It is our sacrosanct duty as private companies

to ensure the future of our species."

"So those beautiful twinkling lights in the sky

can still represent hope."

Thank you.

Sherman Oaks, you're up.

Before I begin, what was the name

of the venture capitalist who wrote that op-ed?

Oh, uh, yeah, Peter Flume.

- Hell yeah. I need the Tootler. - What?

The Sherman Oaks Tootler.

- I wrapped my sandwich in it. - Oh my God.

I'd like to introduce into evidence

the December 9th edition of the Sherman Oaks Tootler.

Turns out your boy is a resident of Sherman Oaks,

and his mansion's pervy Christmas display

was so big that it cut power to a local hospital.

My fellow humans, guys like this don't care about anyone else.

Privatization makes the world a crappier, more unjust place.

No matter if it's in space exploration or in education.

Let's go!

Okay. It's unanimous.

With that closing statement, Sherman Oaks is the winner.

Yes!

Way to go!

And, Ms. Vishwakumar, if you could just hang back for a second.

Mmm.

Amazing job, babe. You looked like you could have subbed in at any moment.

Well, I'm glad I didn't. I hate public speaking.

I don't know why I signed up for debate.

Oh! Ahh! My incisors.

Damn. What's going on with us? Why are we so awkward?

I don't know. I really like you.

I really like you too.

I think it's probably always weird when you go from friends to girlfriends.

But we'll get there.

Yeah, in... in no time, we're going to be PDAing so hard,

people will be like, "Get a room."

Congrats on the win.

Hey, look what I found in the trash.

Hartman Hill's missing binder. It's weird, huh?

Super weird.

Why'd they throw it away?

You know what, rich people just don't value property

the same way you and I do...

Devi, stop it. I know you cheated.

And the sad thing is, you didn't even have to.

Uh... I did it in the name of justice. Did you not see their paralegals?

I'm basically Jean Valjean.

Yeah, well, then I'm a better singing Russell Crowe

because now I gotta take you to prison,

aka your house, aka the place where everyone hates me already.

So this is just fantastic. Get your bag. Let's go.

So, what are your plans after graduation?

Oh, um, I hadn't really thought about it.

I bet there'll be, like, a graduation party that night,

so I'll probably go to that.

I meant, like, do you want to go to college...

Quiet on set, people!

Eleanor and I have come to a compromise,

which is that we think Eleanor's way is best.

All right, babe. Lights, camera, cell phone.

I'm Eleanor Wong. I'm 5'5", and this is Jennifer Lopez in Hustlers.

Look, baby.

We gotta start thinking like these Wall Street guys.

You see what they did to this country?

They stole from everybody.

Hardworking people lost everything.

You ever think about when they come into the club?

That's stolen money.

Eff these guys.

Cut!

You killed it, babe! These agents are gonna sign the shit out of you.

And I can't believe you used my mom's stripper pole.

It was perfect. Thank you for pushing me.

You make me better.

You make me better.

- Hold on. - Seriously?

Oh boy.

Manish? What a pleasant surprise you did not clear with me beforehand.

Yeah. Hello, everyone. Sorry to interrupt. I'll just cut to the chase.

I caught Devi cheating in the debate tournament today.

I'm... I'm sorry. She did what?

Oh, that is serious.

It seems like it's a family moment. I'll just go back into the garage.

Devi, how could you?

So, what does this mean? Is she suspended again?

I decided not to inform the principal.

Seems like something you'd rather handle in-house.

Thank you, Manish.

- Up to your room. - Okay.

Couldn't you get into trouble for not reporting this?

Maybe, but I know how hard Devi works,

and I don't want to mess up her future because of one stupid mistake.

Anyway, sorry about all this, and I promise not to bother you again.

Wait, please come inside.

- Is this a trap? - Please do it before she changes her mind.

Okay. Whoa, you got a tight grip.

Pardon me.

Oh boy. Uh...

Manish, I owe you an apology.

I thought you were nothing more than an immature, bumbling hooligan.

- I mean, I'm a full-time teacher. - Anyway, I was wrong.

Despite what your haircut says about you, you are a grown-up.

You were tough on Devi today, but you also protected her.

That's what family does.

So I'm happy for Kamala to be with someone like you.

Although, I would like you to learn something more about your culture.

Perhaps I can be your tutor. Would you like that?

He would love that. Thank you, Pati.

Good.

Hey! Devi? Are you up there?

Yeah. Come in.

Hey, my mom asked me to bring takeout.

While they were fighting over spring rolls, I snuck upstairs.

Damn. Well played, dude.

If anyone deserves a "Damn. Well played, dude," it's you.

You clobbered us.

Technically, yes.

But I also may have cheated, but in a way that didn't even help us,

so you can't be that mad.

Uh, you've lost me.

- I'm the reason your binder went missing. - Oh man. That was you?

Parker fired one of our paralegals for that.

I'm sorry, but how else are we supposed to compete

with your paralegals and the fricking Jeopardy computer?

Yikes. Look, I'm not psyched you stole our research, but frankly,

I don't blame you guys for trying to give yourselves an edge. That's what we do.

Like, for instance, we might take a normal desktop computer

and put a screen saver on it so it looks like the one from Jeopardy.

No! I asked that computer for an autograph.

Look, I'll be honest.

- I'm intimidated by you. - Hmm?

I don't think I've ever dated someone as smart as me or maybe even smarter.

I think I like it.

Well, I like it too.

Being smarter than you.

Devi, why am I hearing voices up there?

You better not be listening to a podcast!

Okay, you got to get out of here.

But maybe you could throw a spring roll up the stairs?

You got it.

♪ You used to shine so bright But you soured ♪

♪ At the taste of a bitter leaf ♪

♪ Took it all out on me But I see through you ♪

♪ And you won't be causing me no grief Anymore ♪

♪ You used to shine so bright But you soured ♪

♪ At the taste of a bitter leaf ♪

♪ Took it all out on me But I see through you ♪

♪ And you won't be causing me no grief Anymore ♪

♪ You used to shine so bright But you soured ♪

♪ At the taste of a bitter leaf ♪

♪ Took it all out on me But I see through you ♪

♪ And you won't be causing me no grief Anymore ♪