Original subtitles

Mmm. Yum.

- Mmm. Hmm. - Mmm.

- Ah. Hey, Joan. - Mike.

♪ End up on the date line, uh, uh, uh ♪

♪ Rich with no day job Hit your wop, wop ♪

♪ Always on the courtside, uh-huh, huh ♪

♪ B-b-billionaire boys wanna eat me out ♪

♪ I'm from the west coast They wanna go down south ♪

♪ All these lame little rappers Tryna for clout ♪

♪ I won't let him hit But he can put it in his mouth ♪

♪ Lil' waist, fat fat, baby, tap in ♪

♪ Tap, tap, tap in ♪

♪ Diamonds dancin' on your neck Better tap in ♪

♪ Tap, tap, tap in ♪

♪ Gettin' money, get rich, baby, tap in ♪

How's the coffee?

If I'm honest...

- I'll tell 'em to look at the machine. - Thank you.

Oh, and Sandy's outside waiting for that 10:15.

Oh God.

I know.

Okay. Um, give me five.

I need to, like, psych up.

I'm so sorry. So sorry.

You're letting me go?

Um... Okay, but I'm still working on my audio compression algorithm.

Unfortunately, the board feel your compression algo isn't

a thing that they wanna pursue.

Uh, okay. Well, without it, we'll need more data servers.

I know. I know.

Which means a bigger carbon footprint.

We'll breach all of our environmental pledges.

I'm sorry. It's how the board feel.

I just put a deposit down on a new apartment.

I'm sure this hasn't been an easy decision for them.

Joan.

Please don't do this.

Please, not now.

I can't... I... I thought we were friends.

- Okay. - Joan!

I'm just gonna give you a minute to compose yourself.

I feel pretty composed.

I really... I am so sorry about this.

I invited you to the housewarming. Joan.

I've asked Brutus to escort her out.

Oh God.

I'll help you with your things, Sandy.

Oh!

Joan, is that you? I know you're there.

Coward. You're a coward, Joan!

All right, Sandy. We gotta go.

Fuck!

Joan. Come on in.

Thank you.

So, where are we at?

- Not good? - Oh, no.

It used to be my dream to run my own coffee shop.

That would not have gone out with our name on it.

Neither would the coffee at my job.

How is your job?

Um...

I mean, on paper, it's... it's fancy, I guess.

But I'm just kind of the middleman between the board up in the clouds

and the staff below me.

So I just kinda feel like I'm going through the motions every day.

How are things at home?

Um...

I mean, I'm engaged to Krish.

- Yes. - So, good. Good. It's good.

Like, Krish is a great guy, and he's smart, and he cares.

But maybe he's just a little bit, like...

vanilla.

You know? Like, even the food he cooks is bland.

And I'm continuously like...

Mmm.

Sorry, I feel like such an asshole saying that.

When I was with my ex...

- Mac? - Mac, yeah.

Um...

I mean, it was just constant sex and craziness and...

I mean, the fights were...

But I never got over him.

Mm-hmm. And then you met Krish.

And then I met Krish.

And he was sweet and safe.

And so I just kinda went with the flow.

But

I just feel like I never,

like, actively chose this.

Like, I feel like I'm just on autopilot.

You know how you are always talking about, like, the life story?

Mm-hmm.

I was thinking about it, and I...

I feel like I'm not the main character in my own life story.

And would you like that to change?

Hmm.

Hey.

Hey.

♪ Tried to shame me ♪

It's so good to see you.

I love your hair like that. The streaks, yowza.

It's not too much?

Phyllis at the salon kind of, like, talked me into it.

Well, Phyllis at the salon deserves a raise

'cause you look hot as shit.

- Okay. Okay. - I mean it.

Okay.

Um...

I mean, you... you came to see me.

To talk because you asked me to.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, how is...

Krish.

Yeah. Krish is good.

Wow. You sound like you're really crazy about him.

Okay.

We tried us for two years.

Remember how that... remember how that ended?

- Yep. - So, yeah, I am marrying Krish.

Oh God, you drive...

You broke us up, you broke my fucking heart,

and just when I'm picking up all of the pieces of my life,

you pop back up like a fucking...

Like an unflushed turd.

Well, yeah. It's not what I was getting at, but yeah.

So, how can I trust you?

You're right. I get it. But

what you and I had was real.

You know it.

I wanna be with you.

I'm here for three days, and then I go back to San Jose.

Come with me.

I'm serious.

I ca... I can't.

Hey.

I have a great apartment, and your work has an office there.

I mean, you could get a transfer.

And there's an incredible sushi place around the corner,

and they have an unbelievable green dragon roll.

I can't leave Krish.

No, you can't leave Krish.

I can't, Mac.

Yeah, no. You can't leave Krish.

No. No, no, no, no.

- Well... Hey. - I shouldn't have come.

- I should not have come here. - Joan.

I'm in my usual suite, and I'll be here for three days.

Mm.

That you, baby?

Yep.

Hi.

Whoa. Froggy's been a-drinking.

Yeah. It was a goodbye party.

Oh. Well, I hope you're hungry.

Mmm.

Amazing.

Is that salt?

All right.

Hey.

- What do you wanna watch? - Oh, I'm easy.

- Let's see what's on Streamberry. - All right.

Mmm.

Um...

- Oh, how about Sea of Tranquility? - Eh.

Eric said it blows.

Oh. Well, if Eric said it blows...

- Okay. - Okay.

Loch Henry, the Scottish murder thing?

I can't really do another true crime.

- I'm sorry, just after Gacy, I... - Okay.

What about...

What...

Uh... Oh my God.

Uh... What?

"New drama. Joan Is Awful."

Is that Salma Hayek?

Uh, she even has your hair.

That's not my hair.

Well, it's a lot like your hair. And she's even called Joan.

Okay. What even is the show?

No clue, but...

- Well, we're watching it. - No, we're not watching Joan Is Awful.

Whatever the hell it is.

- Just hit play. - Mm.

Come on. Hit play.

Well, it's a lot like our bedroom.

That's not my hair.

- She uses the same toothpaste as you. - Okay, just...

This is just weird.

Yeah, it's a little spooky.

This Joan is shady.

Mmm...

Babe.

- Babe? - You should see this.

See what?

What is this?

It's called Joan Is Awful.

It's got Salma Hayek in it.

She looks like Joan.

That job sucked anyway.

Yeah, I guess.

Joan Is Awful? What the fuck?

Uh...

Oh my God.

We're gonna watch a TV show in a bar?

Yeah, we're absolutely gonna watch a TV show in a bar.

Huh.

Hmm.

What the hell?

♪ Daddy on the Facetime You could never take mine ♪

♪ End up on the dateline, uh, uh, uh ♪

♪ Rich with no day job Hit your wop, wop ♪

♪ Always on the courtside, uh-huh, huh ♪

♪ B-b-billionaire boys wanna eat me out ♪

Holy shit. That's where you work.

Okay, how did you do this?

- How did I do this? - This is a prank. How did you do this?

- Well, I didn't... - I don't find it fucking funny.

I didn't do anything.

How's the coffee?

Dog shit.

I'll get the machine replaced.

Please do that.

- Also, Sandy is waiting for that 10:15. - Joan?

- Yeah. - What?

Oh God.

Oh... oh God.

Joan? Jo... Jo... Joan.

Joan?

I'm having a panic attack.

- Uh... All right, um... - I'm having a panic attack.

Okay, okay. Okay. All right, hey, whoa.

Also, Sandy is waiting for that 10:15.

- Is he still there? - He's still there.

- Just get it over with. - They made me the gayest man on earth.

Well, I like what he's wearing.

What the fuck is this?

- How the fuck is this? - Um...

- Give me five. - Oh.

Yeah. Sure. Thanks.

- Oh my God. Is that what I sound like? - Sh. Will you be quiet, please?

You think he's better looking than me?

Okay. All right. All right, hey. Let's slow our breathing down, right?

- Uh, feel the carpet beneath your feet. - I don't wanna feel the carpet!

All right, hey, whoa.

- Well, just feel the floor. - Uh... Fuck the floor!

You're firing me?

Correct. Your audio algorithm's not happening.

The board thinks it's vaporware.

But, um,

our carbon footprint.

Not their concern.

Well, I just put a deposit down on an apartment.

- Also not their concern. - I mean, you see what she's like.

- Oh my God, she is cold. - Please.

Not... not now.

If not now, when?

- She did not say that. - Oh my God.

I did not say that like that. That is not what happened.

Baby, I believe you.

Jesus Christ.

Oh my God.

What am I gonna do with my dog?

- Oh my God. - She's making me so uncomfortable.

I'm so sorry...

- Get Brutus to escort her out. - Why are you consoling Joan?

- Why am I consoling Joan? - Please just give me a second.

She was upset.

She's being a bitch.

Oh my God. They're making me look like a monster.

No. Hey, no, look.

Look, it's... Baby, it's Salma Hayek.

Look, people love Salma Hayek. All right? So, maybe it's not so...

So, maybe it's not so fucking bad?

So fucking insane?

- This is bad. - Okay, all right.

- Fucking insane! - All right, okay.

Hey, look. I was just trying to make you feel...

- Oh God. - Hey, okay. All right. Hey, you're right.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Ooh.

What?

Oh my God, my mom's seen it.

What?

Everybody can see this?

Can everybody that has Streamberry watch this?

My dad's seen it.

Marianne's seen it.

Jesus Christ. Oh fuck.

Oh God.

Oh my God.

Oh God.

- Honey. - What?

- Has Mac been texting you? - What?

No. No.

- All right. - You can come in now.

- Okay. I think we should turn this off. - What?

Well, actually, I wanna keep watching. No. No...

- Hey, whoa. - Krish, Krish, I want it off!

- No. - How's life at home?

- Joan! - With Krish?

- He's kind and smart and caring, but... - Where's this stupid fucking button?

Very vanilla.

Even his cooking is bland.

Hmm.

- I didn't say that. Krish, turn it off. - It's just that...

with my ex-boyfriend, Mac,

there was so much crazy, wild, imaginative,

constant sex.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This isn't real.

Okay? This is the TV. I didn't say this.

- Fuck. - Krish?

- I haven't gotten over Mac. - Krish!

I think maybe

I don't want to.

Oh Christ.

Hey. What she said on the show, that's not what I think.

- Okay? - No.

Some of the details...

The whole thing, it's blown out of proportion, okay?

I didn't say that to my therapist.

So, what did you say?

I...

Mm-hmm.

Krish.

Krish! Where are you going?

I don't know.

- I don't know. I gotta go. - Krish, come on. Please, please!

I'm here three days...

- Hey! - ...then back to San Jose.

I said...

I can't leave Krish.

Can't you?

So, what do you wanna watch?

Sea of Tranquility.

Eh.

Eric says it blows.

Well, if Eric said...

I never liked Krish.

Babe, wait. Come on, sit down. Babe.

Joan Is Awful?

Is that Cate Blanchett?

- That's Cate Blanchett? - Oh no.

- That's Cate Blanchett! - That's good.

- That's not my hair. - She looks good!

Krish! It's a TV show. It's not real.

I don't know what's going on, but none of that happened.

Krish, hey! I haven't even seen Mac in so long.

Then show me your phone.

What?

In the TV show, Mac texted you, and you texted him back, so

show me your phone.

It's...

it's in the house.

That's convenient, Joan.

- Goodbye. - Krish.

Krish, please don't go.

Don't go. Please don't leave me by myself. This is fucking insane. Please don't...

Krish! Please!

Krish!

Krish, you're being childish. Come back, please.

You're being very melodramatic. It's uncalled for.

Oh my God. It's TV. It's not real!

My fidelity for you. My fidelity for you, that's real.

That's television. Fake, not real.

If you weren't texting Mac, show me your phone.

They're right about you, Joan.

You're awful.

Krish. I'm not that awful. It's not real.

Come back.

Krish! Don't leave me.

You know I can't be on my own.

- You can't leave me! - Mac.

Krish!

Shame on you.

Oh fuck.

Oh God.

- Sorry I'm late. - Uh-huh.

Did you see it?

Everybody saw it.

It's all anyone can talk about.

How'd it come across?

Fair. Yeah. I just don't know what this is.

My lawyer's looking into it.

- Krish is so mad at me. - Joan.

- He walked out last night. - Hey, Joan.

Everyone's looking at me like I'm an actual monster.

Joan, just... just try and keep it together for, like, the next few minutes.

Why is Brutus here?

You let slip about the whole algorithm, data server, carbon footprint thing

in the scene where you fired Sandy.

Technically, you broke your NDA.

What? That's not fair. That was...

That was Salma Hayek!

The board wants you out.

Now.

I'm here to help you pack.

Right on.

Sayonara, queen.

Mona.

"I'm in a pantsuit."

Well, I've checked it over,

and I have to say that actually,

legally, the Streamberry Corporation can do this.

What?

How?

Trust me, I'm as shocked as you are.

But the show is using my life. It's... it's my name. It's my career.

It's me. They're... they're using me, so...

And you assigned them the right to exploit all of that.

What? When?

Terms and conditions.

I have never seen this before.

You have. You just haven't seen it printed out before.

All of that would have popped up on your phone or whatever

when you first signed up to Streamberry.

And you clicked "accept."

What? I mean, I had...

I had no... How was I supposed to know this?

I know. But you did accept it, and so they're in the clear.

No, no. No, no, no. They can't... they can't do this to me.

There are only so many ways for me to tell you they absolutely can.

Okay, well, Salma Hayek.

Yeah, pretty cool.

No. No, I'm gonna sue Salma Hayek.

For what?

For, like, passing herself off as me.

She has no right to do that.

It's not really Salma Hayek.

Yes, it is.

No. Technically, uh, the show deploys a digital likeness of Miss Hayek.

They don't film her.

She licensed her image to them.

The entire show is CGI.

It's generated by some kind of super-advanced, deepfake,

quantum computer mumbo jumbo.

They could make Salma Hayek blow an orangutan if they wanted to.

Oh, whoa.

I'm guessing Miss Hayek might object to that, but you get my point.

Right. So it's all... it's all computers?

That's how they get it on the service so fast.

But how do they...

how do they even know what I'm doing? It's the same... it's the same day.

Well, you know when you got your phone face down on the table,

and you're in your kitchen, and you're talking to your friend about,

I don't know, shoe deodorizers,

and then, you know, you go on your computer and what pops up?

A shoe deodorizing ad.

Then you get an email, and it's all about shoe deodorizing.

Then you're walking down the street, shoe deodorizing.

You can't escape it. And it's...

Yeah, so?

Uh, that's how they know.

Okay, but...

...but the show makes stuff up about me. Right?

It embellishes things.

It makes me look worse than I really am.

So... defamation.

Yeah, page 53, paragraph 12.

There's something about creating characters and dialogue

for dramatic purposes.

Fuck!

I agree.

Uh, I hate to say it, but this thing is... is watertight.

Oh my God.

They got you every which way and then some.

My advice is to try and ignore it.

What the fuck kind of advice is that?

It's the only kind I got.

Oh my God.

Okay.

Hi, guys!

Hey, how you doing out there?

Cool! Fuck!

Sorry, do I know you?

This show, it is using my life, my name, my career.

You assigned them the right to exploit all of that.

When? How?

Terms and conditions.

I've never even seen this.

- I would've known if I signed it. - This is brutal.

I would've known I'd signed something I didn't read. Who has time to read that?

You did accept it though.

- What? - Yeah, they're in the clear.

- They can't do this to me. - Oh, hey.

- Can I come in? - Yeah, yeah.

Hey, uh...

They cannot...

There. Sorry.

Oh, baby.

Honey.

You're okay.

No...

What's wrong?

Um,

I can't get hard.

Sure you can.

Hey, you want me to do that horrible thing you love?

It's, um...

It's... This is so public.

What do you mean?

This is gonna be on the show.

Okay, but it's not us. It's... it's computer people.

- It's Salma Hayek and... - Well, yeah, I know.

So, I mean, like, I'm gonna be the guy who can't get it up for Salma Hayek?

I mean, it's like...

You know, it's one thing to not be able to get it up for, like, you,

but Salma Hayek?

I mean, look, people are gonna laugh at me.

The show is called fucking Joan Is Awful. How do you think I feel?

Hey! Look, when I said I wanted to get back together with you...

When you basically begged me to get back together with you.

But I didn't agree to be a public figure.

Neither did I!

Except you did.

Page 58 of the terms and conditions.

They just said so on the show!

Joan, I always said you gotta read the terms and conditions.

I can sue Cate Blanchett.

Uh, for what?

For passing herself off as me.

That isn't the real Cate Blanchett.

The show just deploys a digital likeness of Miss Blanchett.

The whole show is CGI.

It's generated by a quantum computer.

They could... make her blow an orangutan if they wanted.

Although I am guessing the real Miss Blanchett might object to that,

but you get my point.

Hmm.

Oh God.

Okay.

Anyone knows a reason why these two may not be wed,

let him speak now.

Merry Christmas, one and all!

Oh my God!

What are you doing?!

Stop!

- Get the kids out of here! - Get out of here!

What's so funny?

Salma Hayek's gonna fucking hate this.

Why?

Have you not seen Joan Is Awful?

No, but it's on my list.

Just wait till episode four. I hear it's gonna be a blast.

Her lawyer's here. Posted bail.

- Uh... - You're free to go.

Oh.

For now.

You're disgusting.

Thank you.

...these two should not be wed, let him speak now.

Merry Christmas, one and all!

What are you doing?

Never in my wildest nightmares

I thought I'd see myself defecating in a church.

Well, technically, that's the Joan character, not you.

So this character, whose face do they have?

Do they have your face or my face?

Your face.

Salma Hayek's face.

So, then, whose anus is doing the shitting?

Uh,

Salma Hayek's anus?

Bingo.

I am Roman Catholic.

My grandmother Rosa was going to be a nun.

She might die when she sees this.

What right do they have to kill my abuela

with this deepfake heretic abomination?

Uh, page 39, paragraph eight.

Paragraph eight can suck my dick. I don't even know what it says anyway.

Uh, your image rights agreement with Streamberry.

It's page 39, paragraph eight.

Specifically covers any acts or behaviors Joan may exhibit

up to, including, and beyond defecation.

Beyond defecation?

Beyond. That's what it says.

You know I don't read this crap.

I am a dyslexic, talented actress with questionable English.

- That's why I overpay you to protect me. - Okay.

I mean, doesn't my asshole have any rights?

- Okay. All right. - Okay, okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's collect ourselves, and, uh...

Good.

...brainstorm so we can do some damage control.

So, what can you do

to erase this image from every machine in the world?

Nothing.

Okay.

Then I guess I'm just gonna have to settle for a huge lawsuit against them.

Um, I've looked up and down and researched,

and there is no legal basis.

There's no way we can sue these guys.

Then I'm gonna sue you.

You sold me out.

You useless, overrated maggot.

You take your paragraph eight

and shove it up your ass!

And I hope that you get paper cuts in your hemorrhoids and die!

You're fired!

What the fuck?

I...

I didn't, uh, actually think that you would come to...

Welcome to my home.

- I understand that you're mad. - Oh, do you?

Please don't kill me, Salma Hayek.

You're lucky I'm a humanitarian.

Let's have a talk.

What the fuck?

- Come on! - Coming!

Oh my goodness me.

Oh my God.

Now it all makes sense. Look at all this shit!

What's wrong with you, girl?

I mean, must you be so disgusting?

I mean, the last few days have been pretty rough, so...

Rough enough to take a dump in the house of God?

If you don't have any self-respect, that's your thing.

But to disrespect the church,

and frankly, to disrespect my image...

- Mm-hmm. - ...I don't wanna be associated with you.

Well, I don't wanna be associated with me either.

They took my life. They turned it into a CGI fucking drama.

I lose my fiancé.

I lose my job.

They put my entire existence out there for everyone to watch,

and you signed up to be the face of it.

You're a fucking enabler. I should be yelling at you.

- You are yelling at me. - Well, I need to yell at someone!

Well, it's not fair that you're taking it all out on me.

I am sorry that I shat in a church.

Okay?

But I was trying to get your attention

so that you'd get in touch with Streamberry

and have them pull the plug on the show.

I already made that call.

- And? - They told me to go fuck myself.

They did?

Can you believe it?

So, you can't stop this?

I thought for once I was gonna have control over my own image.

But those fuckers lied about everything.

First, they told me this was gonna be a prestige show, right?

Look, I didn't think it was gonna be like my movie Frida,

but I couldn't imagine that it was gonna be this.

And then they said that they were closing the pay gap.

Bullshit!

They are paying me one-tenth of what they're paying George Clooney.

Sorry, George Clooney is gonna be in this show?

No, they're sticking his head on a Thomas the Tank Engine reboot.

Wait.

How much are they paying you?

Oh,

nothing.

- Nothing? - Nothing.

That is so fucked up.

Yeah.

Well, they're screwing us both.

Yeah.

I mean, how do you think Cate Blanchett feels about this?

Fuck her.

This is the bad guy.

Mona Giovanni.

- Javadi. - Whatever.

And the whole Strawberry machine.

It's Streamberry.

They have taken 100 years of cinema

and diminished it to an app.

I wanna go and take that computer

and rip the cables out of it

and stick them up its ass.

Let's bring down the system. The quamputer thing.

Oh yeah, let's.

Are you a hacker?

No, no, no, no, no. I mean, like, physically.

So it says the server's outside of Mona Javadi's office.

So we just get in there and fucking...

- You know? - Her office is all the way at the top.

We can't crawl on the side of the building like Spider-Mans.

No, no, no, we don't have to.

'Cause you can just walk in the front door.

We can't just do that.

You can

because you're Salma fucking Hayek.

Thank you.

You're right.

Yeah.

I am Salma fucking Hayek.

Good morning.

Hi. Hello. Miss Hayek.

I have an appointment with Mona Javadi.

Of course. Let me just...

Uh, I can't, um...

- It should be in the system. Please do... - Excuse me, is there a restroom I can use?

Of course. Right over there.

I'm afraid that's too public.

Thanks to your show,

every time people see me go into one of those,

all they can think about is hot birria coming out of my bottom.

Of course.

Can we swipe Miss Hayek through?

There is a private restroom down the corridor on the right.

Thank you.

And don't worry, I'm just gonna pee.

Okay.

Cool.

Thank you.

All right, just one sec. Yeah. We're good.

- You rolling? - Yeah.

Great.

- So, Miss Javadi. - Mm.

A lot going on here at Streamberry. Loads of heat around your new show.

I know, right?

- Bet you've got a heap of questions. - Yeah.

- Lucy, I'm in the middle of an interview. - I think it might be important.

Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yes?

Apparently, Salma Hayek's downstairs asking to see you.

- Didn't we tell her to go fuck herself? - Maybe that's why.

Just get security to chuck her out.

Sorry, sorry. She's new.

- Yeah. - Don't know how long she'll last.

Anyway, where were we?

- Joan Is Awful. - Joan Is Awful.

- What are you wearing? - It's a disguise.

Take it off. They're gonna think you're kidnapping me.

Okay.

- Hurry up! - Okay!

Come on!

So, here at Streamberry, we are passionate about creating new forms of entertainment.

This whole floor is dedicated to content generation R&D.

Experimental entertainment, computer-generated material.

Like Joan Is Awful.

Exactly.

Shut up, shut up.

And that is made by this, the quamputer,

which is actually just down that corridor on the left.

A kind of quantum computer.

Yeah, hence the name.

An infinite content creator

capable of willing entire multiverses into existence, right?

And within those rendered worlds,

shooting, packaging, and editing fully-edited programs

that would normally take months to make, such as...

Joan Is Awful.

I wish they'd stop saying that.

- Correct. - I like the picture.

And the role Salma's depicting is based on a real Joan, right?

Mm-hmm. Yep.

Why that particular woman? What's so special about her?

Absolutely nothing.

We were looking for a totally average, nobody person,

just... just to test the system.

The point is, Joan Is Awful is just the beginning.

The aim here is to launch unique, tailored content

to each individual in our database, all 800 million of them,

created on the fly by our system. The most relatable content imaginable.

Actually, there's one for you.

I couldn't resist. Yeah.

This is actually real and will be available to stream from Friday.

Uh, why "awful"?

Why is it all so negative?

Yeah. No, that's a great question, Fatima.

Um, we did try more affirmative content in the test cell,

but we found that, um, our subjects just didn't buy it.

It didn't chime with their neurotic view of themselves.

What we found instead was when we focused on their more weak

or selfish or craven moments,

it confirmed their innermost fears

and put them in a state of mesmerized horror.

Which really drives engagement.

They literally can't look away.

Let's kill this quam-puta.

- Wow. Great, thanks. - Did you get everything you need?

Okay. Where is she? Hi, where is she? Where's Salma?

I let her go to the toilet.

How hard is it to find someone? Most walls are glass.

Can you guys do something?

- Is that it? - It's locked.

There.

There it is.

Holy Christ! Hey, no one's allowed in here!

I'm calling security!

If you call security, I will break your arm.

Don't think I won't, because I will, understood?

Yes, Miss Hayek.

Okay.

How do we get in here?

What's that?

Joan Is Awful.

No, but that's me. That should be

her, right?

That's the variant of Joan Is Awful that the Joan below you sees

when she watches the show.

What? The Joan below me?

You're not the original Joan. That's Source Joan.

We need a code for this, Joan.

Wait, sh.

"Source Joan"?

Yeah, you're just a Joan.

Who's Source Joan?

The real Joan.

Look, there. Source Joan.

Source Joan?

I'm not the real Joan?

You're a version of Joan

played by a digital likeness of Annie Murphy.

- Who's Annie Murphy? - The actress.

There. Look familiar?

Schitt's Creek. No? Great show.

- You're playing an adaptation of Joan. - No, no.

Look. Source Joan lives in reality.

When Source John watches the TV show Joan Is Awful, she sees you playing her.

That show is the fictive level we're on right now, here.

- The fictive level? - Yes, fictive level one.

Like I said, this is an adaptation of Joan's life.

- You're in a show right now. - I'm in a show right now?

Come on. Have you seen where you live?

Uh, who could afford a place like that? It's a TV show house.

I mean, look at me. Michael Cera licensed his face,

just like Annie Murphy licensed her face to play Joan on level one,

and Salma Hayek licensed her face to play Joan on level two

and to play herself here on level one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not playing myself.

I am myself.

Yeah, but it tracks that you believe that

because you're coded to play yourself on this level.

- What? - What?

We're not in reality right now. This is fictive level one.

If I'm not here, then where am I?

I don't know where the real Miss Hayek is. I don't have eyes on her.

She's probably in Zurich or on a beach somewhere.

- I don't know where she is. - Zurich?

This is not called

Salma Hayek Gets Everything Explained To Her But Doesn't Understand It Still.

- It's called Joan Is Awful. Her story. - What the fuck?

By which I mean the real her.

Not Annie Murphy, Source Joan. The Joan that lives...

Oh, thank God!

He was so boring.

Jesus!

Annie Murphy, you're my hero.

You guard the door.

I'm gonna kill that fucking computer.

- She wasn't in the schedule. - I know that. I was working...

S3? Check S3.

Come on! Come on! Just kill that quam-puta!

Okay, just wait a second. Wait a second.

So, inside this computer, there's a version of you playing me

who thinks she's real?

Yeah.

- They're coming! Do it! Do it! - Stop!

If you destroy that, you destroy everybody inside every fictive universe above this.

- You! - Billions of simulated souls

who consider themselves to be real will die.

Do you really want all that blood on your hands?

I mean, define "blood" for me here.

Okay, this is a quantum computer, right? We barely know how it works.

It's basically magic.

The reality we're in will cease to exist.

Would I die?

Instantly.

Put the fucking axe down, Annie Murphy, now.

- Listen to her. Do as you're told. - Put it down!

I can't.

Because the fact that I'm standing here right now

means that Source Joan already stood here in reality.

- It doesn't matter what I want... - Get in.

...because the events that this is based on have already happened.

It's not my decision.

- It's Joan's. - Okay.

- It's happening. - All right, Joan.

- She's doing it. Joan's doing it. - Joan, put the axe down.

No! The quamputer!

Joan! Fucking Jesus!

I think we're done.

- What's your name, please? - Annie Murphy.

Miss Murphy, what do you...

So, where are we at?

- Uh, I'm dating again. - Mm-hmm.

Just taking it slow, you know.

And trying to make some time for myself.

Well, how does that make you feel?

It feels good, you know?

It feels good to be okay on your own.

And work?

Yeah. I mean, my job is far less corporate.

But I'm my own boss.

I... I treat my staff well.

Uh, and I'm actually...

I'm actually proud of what I do. So...

- It's good to hear. - Yeah, thanks.

So, maybe now, do you feel...

Yeah, uh, like the main character in my own life?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I... I think I do.

And you don't feel too confined?

- Oh, the house arrest? - Mm-hmm.

You know, there's good days and bad days.

I guess that's to be expected.

You're supposed to encourage me.

- What is that? - Yeah, it's not good. I know.

Hi, Joan.

Hi, Annie!

- How you doing? - Good.

- The usual? - The usual, please.

Okay.

- Missed you. - I missed you. How are you?

I'm good.

Merry Christmas, one and all!

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry. I know. I know.

Get out! Get out!

Yeah. I'm sorry.