Original subtitles

PHONE RINGS

'Are you there?' Yeah, I'm still here.

'We might have won the lottery.' Right.

Hello? Alan, it's Helen. I'm pretty certain we've won the Euro Lottery.

She can't find it? 'If Mandy kept my numbers and Becky hadn't lost it...'

She can't have lost it. Who's that? 'It's Sean.'

Does Rose know? OK, well look, thanks for telling me

and let me know if you find it. Keep me posted.

Ah! Ah! We've only gone and won the bleedin' lottery!

We've won the Euro Lottery! Ah!

Ah-ha! Oh, me knees! Me knees! Me knees! Are you all right?

Me knees! Oh, yeah. What are we going to do?

Oh! I don't know! I don't know. Maybe... Get dressed.

Have some breakfast, bloody celebrate!

Hey, shall I roll us a fat one?

No, no! We've got to keep our brains together.

She hasn't found the ticket yet. She will.

Oh, my God, look at the state of me! Oh, I'll have to go home.

Why? Well, got to make sure

everything's all right and get changed.

What for? You look all right. I've got to go to work.

I'm on earlies. You've still got three hours yet.

Hey, and if we've won the lottery,

you'll never have to work again! Stop it! Don't!

We mustn't build our hopes up like last time.

No, no, no, you're right. I tell you what,

I could run you into work if you like.

No, I can't go in work in the same clothes as I had on last night.

Why not? Because everybody'll know I didn't go home.

So, you're a grown woman. I don't want people talking about me.

Only thing people are going to talk about

is us winning the bloody lottery.

She said we've got five numbers.

That's a big lump of money.

All right, how about a bacon butty, then I'll drive you home?

Eh, no. I'll get the bus.

Are you, er, are you all right about what happened last night?

Er, yeah. Yeah. It's just, I don't want everybody knowing, that's all.

Right. Of course. What happens in the doobie bubble,

stays in the doobie bubble. I get it. We work together.

And I've got my family to think of. No need to explain.

This never happened.

I didn't mean that. I meant...

Yeah. I don't know what I meant.

I better go.

CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS

So, what are you going to say if they ask you where you were

when you heard we'd won 72 million?

At home, in bed. Why, what are you going to say?

We could tell the truth.

And be a laughing stock? Why would we do that?

Here we go...

So, we don't mention Helen, unless they bring it up, right?

That's right, they may have got wind of it or not,

we don't really know.

But as far as you're concerned,

you always thought there were only ever five members in the syndicate.

That's the truth. And we stick to that.

There was only five of us in the syndicate.

Alan, what are you doing?

What do you mean?

I thought you were on the wagon.

It's just a few bubbles to celebrate, that's all.

You were on Look North.

I always said I'd be rich one day, you just never believed me.

Well, maybe you can pay the money back I lent you now.

Yeah, I'll do that, I'll give you interest and all. How's kids?

It was Kieran's 21st, you forgot.

Oh, shit, I'll send him summat.

You'd better send it to Kingston University Campus

cos that's where he's living now.

Oh, I didn't know.

God, you're pathetic.

If you hadn't bad-mouthed me, they might've...

I never bad-mouthed you, they've got eyes and ears,

they made up their own mind.

I've tried phoning him, but he must've changed his number.

Number four, please, mate.

Bloody hell, are you the... the one in the paper, him there...

it's you, you won the lottery.

That's right, 14 million.

Shit, man, Euro Lottery, wasn't it?

Yeah. Yeah.

And pump four's your car?

What's wrong with me car? It's old.

It's a classic. It's orange.

It's still a classic.

Anyway, money doesn't come in till tomorrow

and then I'm going to buy meself a mint E-Type Jag, 1967.

£41.74.

Okey dokey... There you go.

It must be a fantastic feeling to know you can have anything you want.

Yeah... Yeah, it is, yeah.

I tell you what, give us a bottle of vodka, as well.

We're having a "last night of being skint bash"

and I don't want to go empty-handed.

And can you put it in a bag for us, as well?

PHONE RINGS

ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS

'Hi, Alan, it's me, Colin, I've been trying to get hold of you, mate.

'I didn't want to say anything yesterday at Odsal, but you've

'missed a couple of meetings and I just wondered if you're on track.

'Give us a ring back, mate.'

I'll get them back to you.

Who's told you that?

GENERAL CHATTER

I've never been to Asia, I've only ever been on holiday in Europe.

Oh, you'd love it, you'd love it.

Now I've got the money I want to go back

for a couple of months, but it's no fun on your own.

Not got a girlfriend?

No, I wish I had, Tracy, I wish I had.

I thought I was in with a chance, a woman I work with.

What are you doin'?

Watering it down or I get gut rot.

I've known her for years.

To be honest with you,

she's not really the type I usually go for, you know,

she's older than me, but I liked her.

Any road, that all went pear-shaped.

I don't know what I do, I manage to scare 'em all off.

Why don't you ask your son or daughter to go to Thailand with you?

Me son's at university now.

So, what I'm looking for is someone who's free and single,

wants to see a bit of the world and doesn't mind sharing a bed...

I'm joking, forget that last bit, it'd be nice, but not essential.

So, what do you think?

About what?

You and me, Thailand, airfare,

hotel and I'll even chuck in five grand spending money.

What do you think I am?!

Bloody hell, what did I say?

Your friend's either pissed or he's a pervert.

Can't be pissed.

He doesn't drink and he's not a pervert.

Really? He just offered me five grand to go on holiday

with him, like I'm some sort of bloody prostitute. Tosser!

Shit. Excuse me...

Are you all right, mate?

So what do I owe this to?

Me being pissed off cos you've not rung me back.

Yeah, well, I've been a bit busy, what with winning lottery and that!

Have you been drinking?

After what I've been through. Are you mental?

Why would I do that?

Cos you're an alcoholic.

No, I haven't been drinking.

You missed two meetings.

Like I said, I've been busy.

You can tell me... I've slipped, twice. I'm powerless over alcohol.

What's your wife think about you out at this time of night? Go home!

One sip and that's me done for. We all fall off the wagon, Alan.

I haven't fallen off the wagon. I've got your number if I need it.

You told me your 13-year-old son found you in a heap of shite

and vomit and phoned 999.

Don't keep bringing that up. You're worse than my ex-wife.

He saved your life, Alan, you were two drinks away from being dead.

I wish I'd never told you. Where's the bottle, Alan?

I haven't got a bottle.

Drunk it all, have we? Is it in the bin?

Shall I look in the bin, or have you dumped it somewhere else?

You're really on one, aren't you?

Funny, is it? Well let's see if your son thinks it's funny.

Do you ever stop to think what it must've been like for him

to see his father like that?

You scarred him, he's got to live with that for the rest of his life.

I'm going to bed.

If you want to stay here and rant, drop the latch when you leave.

I'm your mate, Alan, I'm here for you.

Don't make the mistake of thinking

you're invincible now you've won the lottery,

cos God knows you're not.

Go home to your wife, Colin!

I missed our Kieran's 21st, so I thought I might take him

and Ellie to Thailand when they break up for their holidays.

So when I got back from yours I went online and punched in Thai and all

these amazing, shit-hot beautiful women popped up, you should see 'em.

Mind you don't get ripped off.

What do you mean? I don't know, who are they?

They are different from English girls, dead straightforward.

They know what they want. Your money.

No. Company that sets it all up want their cut, obviously.

You're a mug. Why?

I'm sick of bein' on me own, you don't know what it's like.

I've really struggled, you know.

If I'm going to stay off the booze, I need to meet somebody fast.

Good luck.

Sorry. Sorry. Shit! I didn't know you were in there.

Here we go, I've got that. Don't worry.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you all right? Yeah, OK. Sorry.

Oh, ta. Have you been drinking?

No.

Well, you smell as if you have.

It's me new aftershave.

Oh, yeah, what's it called - Smirnoff?

No, it's called 14 million.

What's in that bottle? Water.

Give it here. Stuff off.

No, if it's just water... That's my bottle!

Get off me. I'm going to report you to...

You are getting beyond a joke... Get off my arm!

What the hell's going on?

It's Nurse Dolan's job to report any member of staff

she feels is under the influence of alcohol.

For God's sake. Thank you.

She's been a complete bitch since we won the lottery

and decided not to give her any of us winnings, ask Tom.

I'd rather not get involved.

You grabbed my wrist and wouldn't let go of it. That's assault!

That's because you made a grab for my water bottle

and I said you couldn't have it. That's theft!

Nurse Bedford witnessed the whole incident. Not all of it.

When I came out of the office, I saw Alan grab hold of her wrist.

And push me against the wall. I didn't see that.

I was tryin' to stop you nickin' me water, you stupid cow.

OK, can we all calm down.

And where's that water now, Alan?

I drank it and chucked bottle away.

That's very convenient. I've heard enough.

If he's got nothing to hide, maybe you could take a blood test?

I'm not taking any bloody tests.

Could you write up a version of the incident for future reference?

I've already done that.

There'll be some kind of disciplinary meeting next week.

OK, that's all for now, you can go.

Cheers.

Not you, Alan.

So, this is going to be your third written warning.

How come?

The body left outside the canteen on...

I were rushed off me feet and I forgot.

Anyone could forget.

No, Alan, only somebody that's pissed could forget a dead body.

How many times do I have to tell you, I wasn't drinking, OK.

I swear on me kid's life I was on the wagon.

Sunday the 14th, Nurse Dolan had to report you for drinking

champagne on the premises during working hours.

We all were, we'd won the friggin' lottery, we were celebrating.

What are you going to do, sack us all!

I'm sorry, Alan, I'm going to have to suspend you... Only until...

All right you know what? Sod it.

Sod the disciplinary, I'm out of here anyway.

I'm off to Thailand in two weeks,

I was only staying here long enough to get things sorted.

There you go... Stick your 12 grand a year up your arse.

# Sweet leaf of the north

# You go back and forth

# A little brown star

# To guide us on our way

# Sweet leaf of the north

# You go back and forth... #

Thanks for coming, love.

No problem, everything all right?

No. Not really.

Shittin' hell, what've you done?

It's all right, he fell, he's not dead, he's sedated.

Jesus Christ, I thought...

He broke his leg.

So ring an ambulance.

It's not as straightforward as that.

I'd been giving him Diazilum and he'd been drinking.

When you say you'd been giving him Diazilum...

Putting in his beer. He didn't know he was havin' it.

Right.

The thing is he's got an impacted fracture

and his leg needs a good yank to align the bone.

I need someone strong.

Oh, no, I'd be no good at stuff like that.

Please, Alan.

Look, why don't we get him in the car now and drive him to A&E.

And what if he says he went dizzy, and they check his blood

and they'll find out he's packed full of sedatives.

I need to set his leg here myself.

I need some rolls of four-inch plaster bandage.

Hey... everythin' all right, mate?

Yeah, not bad...

Just taking these down to A&E, they've run out.

They accepted my offer on that house by the way.

Two point four.

And I have written up what happened, you should be all right.

It don't matter, I'm leaving anyway.

Right.

Go on, then.

I feel a bit sick.

Just yank it as hard as you can.

What if he wakes up.

He won't... Right, one,

two...three!

Aaaaaagh!

That's for the crack you gave me the other day.

Bastard!

Aaaaaaagh!

DIALLING TONE

My name is Sulim and I'm 28,

and I live with my mother and father and two sisters.

You don't look 28. You look about 19.

Thank you, Mr Alan.

I'm sorry you can't see me,

I think the camera on me computer must be on the blink.

Sorry.

Maybe you have the camera turned off on your computer?

Yeah, well, I wouldn't know, I'm not very good at technical stuff.

When I come to Thailand, maybe you can show me how to do it.

(No... You know what, I think...)

'Or I could come to England. I have passport.'

Me girlfriend's coming over from Thailand soon,

she's 28, seriously gorgeous.

Any idea when you'd like to come?

'Saturday or Sunday.'

OK.

How's that for you, sir?

Wow!

Who is it? It's me, Alan.

You know there's a journalist and photographer out there.

I know.

You did not have to bother coming over.

I want to make sure you're all right.

Set yourself down. Ta.

I'm sorry to hear you lost your job.

Oh, don't worry, I was going to quit anyway.

More importantly, how are you?

Terrible.

I can hardly look my family in the face.

I'm not sleeping.

I'll drop you a couple of doobies round if you like?

They will help you sleep.

I miss our Friday nights.

You're looking very smart.

Thank you.

There was never any chance that we could...? No.

I know.

It was never going to work,

it was just something that happened, that's all?

Do you fancy a cup of tea, love?

You haven't got something stronger, have you?

I know, I know, it's only a blip.

I'll get myself straight out, I promise.

Hi, it's me.

Alan.

I'm Alan, you must be Sulim.

PHONE RINGS

RINGING STOPS

OK, let's do this.

Oh, shit.

Oh!

TYRES SCREECH

Aagh!

Bloody hell, I'm sorry, mate. You stupid pillock!

I didn't see you. Are you all right? You drove straight into me.

You just came from nowhere. Are you sure you're all right?

Oh, bollocks!

Everybody all right?

He's been here over an hour and he's still blowing red.

I've screwed up, mate. Her flight got in 20 minutes ago.

She'll be sat at the airport

wondering where the bloody hell I am.

I can't go yet, mate, there's only me and two agencies here.

Mandy and Rose are both on sick and it's Becky's day off.

Look, if you can get her to the hotel, there's a room booked

under my name, I don't know what time I'll get there. I'll call you.

Doctor's here.

Cheers, ta.

Is she all right?

'Fine.

'She's in your room.

'Penthouse.'

Yeah, well, I'm trying to make an impression.

You've seen what she looks like.

Something's got to go right for me tonight.

Oh, hold that.

There we go.

Yeah.

Er, yes?

It's me. Er, Alan.

Oh, yes, please come in.

I'm sorry I wasn't there to meet you.

It's OK, Tom explained. Is everything all right?

It is now that I'm here... And you're here.

I bet you thought, "Great start!"

No, I thought you would be upset not to be there.

I was.

This is a beautiful room.

Well, I didn't want to take you back to my shithole.

I'm thinking of buying another place,

somewhere a bit more upmarket.

No, I thought I'd show you a bit of England while you're here

and we'd stay in some nice hotels.

God, you're even more beautiful in the flesh.

You like?

I do, you're bloody lovely, you're way out of my league.

Sorry?

You're gorgeous. I like what I see.

Thank you.

So shall we crack open the bar?

Drinks, drinks... Now, we've got white fizz, pink fizz, wines,

spirits, what do you fancy?

Do you have juice? Fruit juice?

Yes... Yes, indeed. And you?

I am going to stick with the, er, the vodka.

So how come you look like that

and you haven't got a husband or a boyfriend?

I prefer English man.

Right, well, I tick that box.

How long've you been on that dating site?

Oh, it isn't a dating site.

It's a proper agency for you to find a wife.

Oh, no, yes, no, no. I know that's the general idea,

but it's just everything's happened so quickly.

We need to know if we're right for each other.

Of course, that's why I come here, so not to waste your time.

Well, I'm glad you did.

Cheers.

Cheers.

So how do you like how I look?

You have a kind face.

Great.

And you're very handsome.

Ah, well, now you're lying.

I used to be, I could have me pick of whoever I wanted,

but I don't know what happened.

I ordered some chocolates and flowers... Yes.

And... Ha-ha, this is for you.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you

Open it.

I didn't know what size you were, so I got small,

but I've kept the receipt in case it doesn't fit.

Oh.

Oh.

It's beautiful. Ah.

So, er... Do I get a kiss?

SHE SHOUTS No, it's too soon!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

We have to get to know each other first.

I know, I know, I know!

I'm not a bargirl or a prostitute who fucks for money.

No, I didn't...

I am a special woman.

I know, I know. It's just you're so...

You insult me.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that.

Listen, you call the shots in this department, OK?

Whenever you're ready, just let me know. OK? OK?

Thank you.

Do you want to go down for dinner or we could just stay in the room

and get to know each other?

We don't have to go to the do, Becky won't mind,

I've given her something towards the table.

I would like to go for dinner.

We have a long time to get to know each other

and I would like to meet your friends.

OK, right, I'll get ready then and maybe afterwards

we could come back to the room

and have a chat, you know, chill out.

We will not make love tonight, Alan.

OK. Right, well, that's put the kibosh on that.

I'll just go and put my suit on.

We're looking for somewhere for the dance academy.

Me mam wants to buy somewhere, so we don't have to rent.

Bloody hell, Alan, I hardly recognised you!

Cheers. Sorry we're a bit late, this is Sulim, everybody.

Pleased to meet you. Hello.

We've already met.

Nice to meet you.

There we go. How's your mam?

All right, I think. Yeah.

So are you a friend of Alan's?

Yes.

We've known each other a while, we've been chatting online.

And I gather Tom picked you up from the airport?

Yes.

This lad drove his bike straight into me car.

I had to wait for police.

So how long are you here for, Sulim?

We don't really know. I'm not sure.

It depends if Alan thinks I will make him a suitable wife.

She's joking, it's not up to me.

Ta.

I tell you what.

Me back's killing me from that sofa. I haven't slept a wink all night.

I'm sorry.

No, it's my fault.

I should have checked you were prepared to share a bed

before I booked it.

There we go.

Right, off we go.

Have you been to London many times?

Oh, aye. Well, once, when the kids were little.

We took them to see the Lion King.

Have you ever heard of the Lion King?

Yes. Yes.

CHANTS TRIBALLY

# Hakuna Matata

# All the rest of my days. #

SHE GIGGLES

I booked us a suite at the Ritz.

It cost me an arm and a leg, but I think you're worth it.

I can change it for two singles if you like?

What do you think?

Erm...

Can I decide later?

Yes, of course you can. I don't think they're booked up.

I'm supposed to be meeting someone at 6:30pm,

so we can go for something to eat or a drink first if you like.

Oh! You should have a watch like that.

What's good about it?

It's so beautiful and elegant. You can try it.

Let's do that when we come back.

Let's get a drink first, shall we?

Come, come.

The watch is from our bespoke collection

designed exclusively by Monsieur Gerald Genta

for Ritz fine jewellery.

Would you like to try it on?

Oh, it's very beautiful, but I meant the one for the man, for Alan.

Oh, I'm sorry, I just assumed that it was...

Try it on.

Oh, no. It's OK. Yes, try it on.

Oh.

Let me do that, the clasps are always a bit tricky when it's new.

Thank you. So, how much do these sell for?

The collection ranges from £17,000 up to £100,000.

Depending on if you want it with or without diamonds.

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

And you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen,

so we're going to have to have it.

Oh! No, Alan, I couldn't take it. Not for anything in the world.

Absolutely not.

She'll keep it on.

That's two years' wages.

Please, we can take it back.

No, I'm not saying it to make you feel bad.

It's just a fact of life, that's all.

Here we go. Thank you very much. Thank you.

You're very welcome.

So I thought we'd stay down here for a few days, see the sights

and then back to Bradford for my court hearing.

Buckingham Palace. That's where the Queen lives.

That's right, yeah.

Sometimes you see the Queen?

You can see her sometimes. They come and wave on the balcony.

Oh, it's Parliament House.

That's right.

Oh, Big Ben. Big Ben.

What are you thinking?

I'm just thinking about my lad.

After we took him to see the Lion King,

we went on a boat trip down the Thames.

Kieran loved that.

That's a beautiful memory.

Yeah.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Cheers.

So we just call you when we're ready to go, do we?

Of course, sir.

Thanks very much.

Nice car that, I might get myself one.

That was fun, I really enjoy it.

Oh. Hey, look at that, a bar on a boat.

You don't get those in Bradford.

Where I live, there are many boats.

Ah, it must be the posh end then.

No! We live above a shop, it's very small and we pay a lot of rent.

Who pays that then, you mam and dad?

No, me and my friend.

But I thought you lived with your family?

The agency, they tell us to say that to the man.

Oh, right. Is there anything else I need to know?

You not married with three kids, are you?

No. I'm sorry, Alan.

It's all right. If the agency told you to say it.

Hey, look at that beauty.

It's for sale as well and look what it's called - The Winner.

And you're a winner.

I know I am.

Do you know what, I don't care about your life back in Thailand,

you're here now, with me, that's all that matters.

I'm going to ring that number.

1.8, but I reckon they'd take a million cash.

We could sail it round the world.

Would you like to take the wheel, Mr Walters?

Oh, er... I'll give it a go.

I'll just get you a refill from the bar.

She's got a bar? There's not much she doesn't have.

Music to my ears, mate, music to my ears.

No ice, just a splash of tonic, please.

If you just make your way to the helm.

Are you OK?

Yeah, just need to get me sea legs.

Just keep going straight, sir.

Okey dokey, I'm sure I can do that.

Come on, Sulim, we can do this together.

Ah!

I'll just leave it in here for you.

Cheers. Lovely jubbly. Hey, I'm a natural.

Do you think he'd take a million for her?

He's already reduced it to 1.5 and it's a top of the range Sunseeker.

But you could have a go, couldn't you?

I'm talking cash, I don't need to get finance.

Would you like to look at the living accommodation?

As soon as possible.

So if I were to phone my bank and arrange to have the money

sent to your account, could me and Sulim spend the night here?

It would be your yacht, Mr Walters, you could do whatever you like.

Right, let's see if he'll accept 1.3.

Did you see his face when the money went through?

He was shocked.

Yeah, he thought I was bullshitting, thought I didn't have the dosh.

Right, so as soon as me court hearing's over,

we'll come back here with all our stuff, right?

And live on the yacht?

Yeah. Yeah, till we get sick of it.

What's the matter, don't you like the idea?

We can have a house as well.

Is it kids?

Now, I know we haven't talked about it

and I know I'm a bit older than you,

but I've thought about it

and if it's something that you really want... No, it's not.

Oh good, because I didn't fancy changing nappies

and getting up in the middle of the night again.

So I'll get us luggage sent over and cancel that suite, right? OK.

Ah, there he is. Ah, now then, son.

Thanks for meeting me.

How you doing? Yeah, not bad.

This is Kieran. Kieran, this is my girlfriend Sulim.

Hello. Pleased to meet you.

She's from Thailand. Have you got a drink?

Yeah, I'm fine.

What you having, Sulim, a fruit juice?

Just water, please.

Cheap round.

Show him your new watch, have a look at this it's a one-off.

I didn't want him to buy it, but he did anyway.

Right. So how long've you known me dad?

We met on the internet.

And he told you he'd won the lottery then, did he? Yes.

Hello, is that The Ritz? Yeah, I need to cancel a room.

And so you decided to jump on a plane and fly straight over here.

Funny that.

No.

Alan wanted to come to Thailand, but I wanted to come here first,

make sure he likes me.

Course he's going to like you, look at you.

Here we go.

There you go, my darling. What do you think of that watch?

Nice, in't it?

Yeah, it's great.

So, you're looking well, better than last time I saw you.

Yeah, well there was a reason for that.

You back on the booze then?

Just a little relapse

to get over the shock of winning 14 million quid.

I can handle it, though, I'm not the way I used to be.

This is mostly tonic, plus there's lime in there,

so it's one of me five a day!

You're an alcoholic, Dad.

All right, well I'm going to pack it in after next week.

Sulim's going to help me, aren't you, darling?

Your son, he no like me.

Don't be daft, no.

He doesn't even know you.

It's me he doesn't like, in't that right, Kieran?

I put him through shit when he was a kid, that's why I wanted

to meet him, to say how sorry I am for screwing up his life.

Yeah, well, I got myself straightened out,

I haven't touched a thing since I went back to college.

You don't know, do you?

Know what?

I was on heroin.

Shit, no. No, I didn't know.

I'm sorry...

Hey, guess what - I've just bought myself a yacht.

What's up with you? Kieran?

Go after him.

Alan!

Kieran! Kieran! What?

I tell you I was a heroin addict and all you want to tell me

is what you've bought!

I don't give a shit about what you've bought!

I don't care about what you've bought. I'm sorry.

You can't just come waltzing back into my life with some Thai chick

you've picked up off the internet and expect everything to be fine.

I shouldn't have brought her, I'm sorry.

Stop saying you're sorry and listen to me, Dad!

I am listening. Tell me what to do and I'll do it.

What can I do to make things better between us?

Pack in the booze in for a start.

I'll definitely do that.

Try and spend some time on your own with me and not tag me

on the end of your yacht-buying spree

to impress your new girlfriend.

I didn't come down here to buy a yacht, I came to see you.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Like I'm that important to you.

Yeah. You are.

Look, I promise it'll change.

I promise the next time you see me I'll be back on the wagon,

otherwise I'm going to end up falling overboard, aren't I?

It's not funny, Dad, it's not funny, it's sick.

And it makes me really sad to see you like this all over again.

I'm not pissed, I'm just a bit merry,

I've won the lottery for Christ's sake!

Ring me when you're back off the booze.

All right, but listen... Wait. Wait.

I've got you something.

What is it?

It's a watch. I missed your birthday.

You'll never be skint while you've got that on you wrist.

I've paid your university fees.

And there's a few bob here to see you through.

I don't want your money.

Take it, what's the point of having it

if you can't make your kids' lives better?

Don't let her fleece you, Dad. Sulim?

No, no, no, she's kosher, she just wants me to be happy.

I bought the watch for you.

I've got a watch.

Don't be like that, Kieran. Come here.

I love you, son, and I meant it

when I said about being sorry for everything I've put you through.

I was lost, I didn't know what I was doing.

Look, I know I make a joke sometimes, but that's just my way.

Yeah?

Jesus, it kills me when I think about what I did to you.

But you're still doing it though, Dad! You're still doing it. Yeah?

I'll see you.

Take the money and the watch, please.

When you're sober.

All right. We'll spend proper time together, me and you, yeah?

We'll go sailing? You'll always be my lad!

I'll ring you!

Do you know what I've decided, after I finish this bottle,

I'm packing in the booze.

And you're going to help me because

there's meetings for people like you.

What kind of meetings?

For friends and family of people like me,

people that like booze a bit too much.

Alan, I think you like booze because you have nothing else in your life.

Do you know what, you have hit the nail right on the head.

Not only are you bloody beautiful, you're bloody clever as well.

And now I've got you, I don't need this. Yay!

Oh, shit! What did I do that for?

Don't worry, I'm here for you.

Do you think we could get to know each other a bit better?

Hmm?

Oh! Hey, bed's comfy!

Oh, I didn't buy any...

I haven't got anything with me, Sulim.

You don't need anything.

Tell me I've died and gone to heaven.

You find me attractive?

Come here and I'll show you.

You're perfect.

POLICE SIRENS WAIL IN BACKGROUND

Alan, I'm sorry.

Don't worry. It's fine, it's my fault I should have asked.

I'll grab a cab, you can stay here, I'll sort something out.

Alan, I am a woman.

Yeah, I'm sure you think you are.

I can have the operation.

Oh, look, it's not just a question of chopping your dick off, it's...

Look, I really like you as a person, Sulim,

and you're lovely looking, you could've fooled anybody.

I wasn't trying to fool you.

Well, you could have been straight with me,

like, said something before you jumped on the plane!

You're angry with me.

Yeah, I am a bit because I feel like a bloody idiot. Why?

Because I fell for you

and all you wanted was some rich mug to pay for your operation.

No, that's not true.

You know what, let's just leave it. Leave it.

I don't want to mess you about and I know you think I'm a shit

and I am, but I've got enough problems of my own.

I'd never be able to go there.

Whatever you did, whether you have it chopped off,

turned inside out, upside down, I'd always know what you really are.

What I saw with my own eyes.

Jesus Christ, you're bigger than me!

I am a woman born into a man's body.

Yeah, you know what?

I've heard all that before, I saw a programme on the telly once.

I wouldn't be able to get beyond it, Sulim, I'm sorry.

I'm just telling the truth, right?

There you go.

There's a few grand in there,

that should pay for your operation - you can keep the watch.

Please!

I'll let you know when I've sorted out your flight back.

SHE SOBS

Bradford please, mate. TAXI DRIVER: Bradford-upon-Avon?

No, Bradford-upon-Yorkshire.

And can we stop at the first off-licence we see? Cheers, bud.

HE GROANS

KNOCKING

Mandy!

BANGING CONTINUES

Hiya, love.

I've been knocking on t'front door, I've got to talk to someone,

otherwise I'm going to go off me head.

I met this woman on t'internet...

I'm sorry, love, our Becky's just come home

and found me downstairs with her dad.

He's not still in the cellar, is he?

Yeah, but I'm leaving him tomorrow so...

Dad! What are you doing? Dad! Dad, don't!

I'm going to kill you, you bitch!

Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing, man?!

Get off her! Get off her! Get off her, stop it!

Get off her, right.

Think you're clever, do you?

Alan, do something!

Jesus Christ! I'm going to kill you.

Alan, do something!

HE SHOUTS IN PAIN

Are you OK?

Mandy, are you all right? Get her a glass of water.

SHE GASPS AND SPLUTTERS

Ambulance. 4, Ingram Road, quick as you can.

SIRENS STUTTER

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

'Hi, it's me again, Colin. Look, I'm sorry about coming on

'all heavy with you, I just want to make sure...'

MACHINE BEEPS

'Hi, Alan. It's Rose, I'm just wondering if you're all right.

'Mandy rang from the hospital and told me what happened.

'Oh, God, she's in a right old state.

'Anyway, will you ring me when you get this message?'

ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC

I just can't get me head around you drugging me dad.

Just the odd Diazilum.

I wouldn't have had to if he'd let me leave.

What were you thinking, Mam?

You're going to be in such big trouble.

And Dad's going to tell 'em what happened.

He hasn't done so far, he's just gone along with what I said.

What were Alan doing at our house anyway?

I don't know, he was upset about some woman he met on the internet.

FLAMES CRACKLE

So these bloods are going to tell a sorry tale.

Diazilum, Seredone, Rivotril.

It's up to you what I do with them.

How much this time?

DOORBELL RINGS A JOLLY TUNE

Alan! Alan!

Alan, open the door, Alan!

Alan, it's... Oh, God, you gave me a fright!

Sorry, love, I heard you shouting. I'm Colin, I'm a mate of his.

I've just been round t'back to see if there's a window open.

Right. I'm Rose, I work with him.

Yeah, I met you at Odsal.

Yeah, that's right.

I've been ringing him. Yeah. So have I.

His car's here.

I know. Do you think he's all right? I think I smelt smoke before?

I'm not sure, can you smell it?

You stay here, I'll go round back again. All right.

Alan! Open the door! Alan!

HE KICKS THE DOOR IN

Alan! Alan! Open the door!

There's something on fire.

He's in the loft! I know it. I know it.

He's in the loft. Alan!

SHE COUGHS

Alan!

THEY COUGH AND CHOKE

Colin, come on, he's up here.

COUGHING AND CHOKING

Oh, God, Alan!

I've found him! Colin, he's here.

Alan! I'm right behind you.

Alan!

COUGHING

Come on, Alan, come on! Alan! Alan, come on.

Alan, come on! Alan!

SHE CHOKES

I've got him.

Have you got him, Colin?

Yes, come on, mate. Come on, Alan.

He's coming round, he's coming round.

Have you got him? Careful.

ALL COUGH AND SPLUTTER

Come on, mate, I've got you, nearly there, nearly there.

Come on, love!

No, get Alan out. I can manage.

Get him out.

No. Come on swing yourself round. I've got you.

Give me your foot. Give me your foot.

Come on, love.

HE COUGHS AND CHOKES

Come on, mate. Come on, mate!

Lean, lean.

It's all right, Alan, we've got you. We've got you.

Take some deep breaths.

How are you feeling, love?

Bit of a pain in me chest and a thumping headache,

but I'm still alive, thanks to you two.

I knew there was something wrong

when you didn't ring me back, not like you.

Oh, he never rings me back, I just don't give up.

I'm sorry I didn't ring either of you back.

I'm back on the booze, Colin.

I know you are, mate, but we'll get you sorted.

In fact, I feel a bit light-headed myself.

That's 'cos you're stoned. What?

In fact, half of the estate is.

HE LAUGHS

Thanks, Rose.

You don't have to thank me.

You were there for me when I needed you.

So who's this Thai woman then?

Oh, her.

Who told you?

Our Bethany.

You took her to Bradford Bulls do.

To tell you truth, it's all a bit of a mess.

I'll have to sort it.

I think I just panicked.

After I got sacked I thought, "What am I going to do with me life?"

I know it's weird, but before, when I had no money,

all I had to worry about were getting laid and paying the bills.

Now I've got money, all I worry about is being on me own and dying.

You're not going to be on your own.

People love you, Alan.

Colin and me were there for you cos we care about you.

Do you? Course we do.

I get things wrong sometimes.

We all do.

Listen, you can come and stay at mine tonight if you like.

Just till you get yourself sorted. I've got a blow-up mattress.

Can I ask you something?

Course you can.

Do you want me to stay at yours?

Yes, I do.